Original subtitles

EUSTAQUIO: Where are you?

FABIANA: At home.

Wanna come over?

HOW TO SURVIVE BEING SINGLE

Fabiana, is Eustaquio a guy or an animal? It's a serious question.

Both.

Really? Why, how come?

Because he's truly a wild beast.

-You're dating a man-beast? -No. No way, no. I'm not dating him, no.

He dug into my house like a tick and settled in.

I can't get rid of him, I'm sick of it.

Fabiana, Fabiana, what you need...

-is this. -Shit, yeah!

-What is that? -The contract clause 1.1.

-Let me read it. -Sure.

Let's see, it says:

"In case she stays overnight

at the address mentioned in clause 1.2,

the guest party must leave the accommodations at 7 a.m. at the latest.

If she doesn't comply, the expenses generated by the transportation service

shall not be covered by Astral Stick."

What? No way!

-What? -You're kidding.

Astral Stick.

-That's what you call yourself? -No way.

Yes, in legal terms, it's my company name

and best describes what the guest is about to experience.

-Let me see. -I want to see that.

-"Coital Contract." -No way.

It's for real.

What woman would take this seriously? Who's signed it?

Well, up to now...

-all of them. -All three of them.

Three per week. You never go out, so you don't know.

I don't know what I'm paying for. I can't believe we're friends.

It's just a consent form.

It ensures that everything we do is of mutual accord with no misunderstandings.

If they want a serious relationship, this is the brake.

But it's strange that you don't like to wake up spooning.

Why is it strange?

It's good to have some protection in this "Me Too" climate.

Protection from what? Women aren't vampires, killer monsters.

Protection from having your heart broken?

I suppose they signed voluntarily. You weren't pointing a gun at them.

It was voluntary, and it also protects women. Right?

Here's a copy, so you can get rid of all the Eustaquios of the world.

-No. I don't treat people like crap. -I know parasites, you're going to need it.

No. I have communication skills, I'll use them.

Sebas. What's up, man?

You're looking at that girl, aren't you? I caught you.

You've been staring at her like a psychopath.

Why don't you buy her a drink?

Sure. Just like that, in the middle of lunch?

Yes, there's a 50 percent chance she's going to say yes.

She's here for the Victoria's Secret convention, she's out of your league.

Not true. Sebastián can pick up anyone. Whenever he wants.

She's not out of my league. If I wanted to, I could pick her up right now.

But I don't want to because my food will get cold.

If not for you, do it for us, dude.

Let us live that experience through you.

Move it, man.

-Go! -That's it.

45 SECONDS LATER...

The important thing is that you tried. That's the important thing.

I don't get it.

-I just asked her if she wanted a cocktail. -Sebastián, I understand.

I'm in a terrible drought myself. I'm getting sores on my...

Relax, you guys! Sebastián.

You're going to find someone, you won't end up alone. The end.

And, Fish, you...

I'm going to lend you a great skin lotion to put on your--

Scrotum?

-What? No way. -That has to be our Scrotum.

-It's not him. Scrotum weighs 260 pounds. -He was covered in acne.

Remember when he peed while eating a sandwich?

-I know! -Or when he got a boner in Anatomy class.

-It was so tiny! -What's up, dudes?

You still hang out?

Hey, Scrotum. What's up, buddy?

Tony, Fish. Tony. Scrotum is dead.

Okay. Your obesity died too. You lost about 200 pounds.

-Did you move to Africa or something? -What'd you do?

Three letters:

-H-I-V. -Oh, fuck, no.

-I'm so sorry. -How can we help?

-Are you all right? -HIV changed my life.

I can imagine.

It led me to find the alpha male living inside of me

and to understand that I have a mission in life.

-To inspire and infect these men. -That's rough, buddy.

It's not cool what he's saying.

High Intensity Virility for men.

I created that course. "H-I-V, the art of the pickup."

I began writing books, but the truth is, people don't read.

My agent told me the best thing would be a master class.

Are you serious?

You give pickup lessons?

Yes.

-Cool. -Well, I have to go. Somebody's waiting for me.

-Nice seeing you, man. -Remember. HIV, huh?

-Bye. -Bye.

Poor guy. His virginity's killing off his neurons.

-Is it to pick up men or women? -I wouldn't be so sure.

-What? -No!

No, don't look, Sebas!

-There was no need for you to come over. -Relax, man.

Just take your jacket and go. Okay?

Eustaquio? Nice to meet you.

Fabiana can't stop talking about you.

You're driving her crazy, brother.

-Really? -Yeah.

You're so indiscreet, Gonzo. You shouldn't say that.

-What's your name? -Gonzalo Torres.

I'm one of Fabiana's best friends.

-It's a pleasure. -Likewise.

Your jacket is in the dresser.

Okay.

I meant to talk to you.

Don't you feel like you need space?

Your own space?

-No, skinny bones. -No?

Your home is my temple.

Fabi, I found my jacket.

-I'll put the parasite contract here. -No, don't.

No. Take it, I don't need it.

Listen, Fabiana.

You're going to need it, I know the type.

I don't think so. I'm not like you.

-Just in case. -Take it, I won't need it.

I like this, you know.

Eusti. Didn't you say that my home is your temple?

Yes, of course.

Then why are his things inside his bag in the living room?

-Give him a side of your dresser. -We're unpacking.

-Today was unpacking day, right? -Sure.

I didn't know it was today.

I'm glad you're here to witness this.

That's right.

Sorry, I wore that to go running.

I wouldn't want to interrupt such an intimate moment...

-It is. -...for this couple.

-No. -We don't use labels,

we just let the energy flow.

You look very good together. What a beautiful couple!

Thanks. We're not a couple, we're energy, and you're interrupting, so beat it.

-Bye. -Bye.

I'm going to give you a massage.

-Yummy, I love your massages. -I know.

LOCATE

ATTACK

Welcome to HIV.

This course is designed to unleash the alpha male inside of you.

Through these techniques, you will get everything you need

to pick up any woman you want.

Any woman.

What are you waiting for?

Why don't you get your credit card and sign up?

That sucks, man, it's so lame.

It'd be like stooping too low.

Absolutely, man. That's exactly what I thought.

Shit, I forgot, I have to study some new scenes from Adán's script.

-He made some changes. -Don't worry.

I understand. No problem.

-I know, dude. -That guy, man!

Go ahead, no sweat. I'll stay here, watch a series or something.

-Okay. Okay, good. -See you.

This method is guaranteed.

Why don't you take out your credit card and subscribe?

Believe me, I have been offered thousands of pesos for the silliest contracts.

-And you agree that it's bullshit? -Of course.

Don't worry, we'll find a void.

-Hi! -How are you? What are you doing here?

This is for Daniel, he forgot it at home, his Detox.

-Hi. -Hi.

-How are you? -Eustaquio broke a pipe

-doing yoga or whatever. -Is he still at your place?

I even offered him money to leave. I don't know what to do.

-Black magic. -No! Not after what happened in high school.

What happened?

-I summoned a spirit at my grandma's house. -It's still there.

Congratulations for taking this first step.

It's not easy to acknowledge weakness,

ineptitude, inferiority, and failure.

We have detected four types of women.

This depends on how much they've experienced in life.

The beautiful one.

The ugly one.

The bitter one.

And the one going through a breakup.

It's good.

Alpha represents the best genetics in the species.

Everybody wants to be like him.

Beta males are the natural subordinates of alpha males.

-You! Which do you want to be? -Damn right.

I'm Annie Van Rickley, and I approve this message.

We fucked.

All power carries a great responsibility.

Welcome to the club.

-Thanks, man. -Fuck hot girls.

-What's up, dude? -What's up?

-Did you watch your series? -Sure, I watched it.

-It was good. -What was it about?

About some guys who are swingers, swinger couples,

and they fuck each other. It's great.

Just a minute.

Hello.

Congratulations, Fish! You are now HIV positive.

Yes. It's me.

Now that you've finished the online course,

I called to invite you tomorrow to the "Ass Hunting."

It's the final test to get certified.

Sure, at what time?

Eight p.m.

Okay, I'll be there at 8 p.m. Thank you.

The bank.

My grandmother is working at a bank now.

Yes, hello?

Congratulations, Sebastián! You are now HIV positive.

The gas company.

Yeah.

I called to invite you tomorrow to the "Ass Hunting."

Yeah, sure.

-It's the final test to get certified. -Yes, at 8 p.m.?

Dress to kill, dude.

Thank you.

Ass hunting?

Ass hunting.

Hi there.

How are you?

Oh, you fixed your lunch with my food.

No. No, it looks good.

I can see you used a lot of ingredients.

I don't know how to cook, so...

It's admirable.

Listen, I was thinking that since you're moving out today,

I thought I'd order the Uber for you since you don't know how to use the app.

Or take you, I could take you myself.

-Hi, Fabi? -What are you doing here?

You want something to eat?

Let me see if there's any left because this motherfucker eats a lot!

Not really, not really.

What are you doing here?

We were waiting for you to celebrate, but you got here kind of late.

-Celebrate what? -You wanna tell her?

Go ahead, you tell her.

We're celebrating the arrival of Eustaqui into our lives.

I gave him your emergency key so he can come and go freely.

What...?

-...a good idea. -Yeah, right?

It's great. I love it! We're going to have a blast.

Namaste. Namaste.

You're kidding. Wow.

Guys.

I underestimated this thing.

Look at the chicks, they're all smoking hot.

But you don't need a course, just stick with me and everything will be fine.

Did you come merely to criticize the course? Go away.

I came to laugh at you and to teach you

that the best master class is going out with me.

-We already paid. -Now we have to finish.

-We shouldn't leave things halfway done. -It's not our style.

Welcome, my dear alpha males.

Gonzo. Are you here to hunt as well?

Thanks, Scrotum. I don't need a manual to pick up chicks.

That's for adolescents in 2009.

If you're staying with this dude, good luck hunting, studs.

I'll be at my table if you need me.

His name is Tony.

Who said you could invite him?

-Sorry, he tagged along. -Sorry, teacher.

Well, by the end of the night,

depending on your performance, if you hunt good asses,

I'll have a surprise for you.

You're going to get a beautiful HIV Positive badge.

-No way! -Hey. Only if you do it.

Okay?

Is smoking allowed in here?

Choose your prey.

Preferably, don't choose women who are by themselves.

Those are too confident.

Look for one who's in a herd.

Be cold and distant.

I'll pay, of course.

Remember, he who shows his hunger doesn't eat.

Do the courting dance.

Show her a true alpha male.

Tell interesting stories.

I told Adán that once we're in Cannes, I might even cry.

-Display your popularity. -But then her dog committed suicide.

This will distinguish you from the others.

She likes you, she wants to call the alpha's attention.

She makes visual contact. Let her take the first step.

-I'm Rebe. -Sebastián.

Don't show interest in the female.

Indifference. This is a crucial point.

It's where you let the true artist out.

If this doesn't work, prepare your last resource: a magic trick.

-Here we go, one, two, three. -That kills them.

Oh fuck! I'm sorry, I'm sorry!

It's time for the first physical contact.

A slight brush is enough for the rest of the night.

-Good evening. May I offer you a drink? -Hi, good evening.

-I'd like the beef carpaccio, please. -Beef carpaccio.

-Of course. Right ahead. -Thank you.

Here's some trivia.

Did you know that clams have more iron than beef?

This is a very exotic type of clam.

Try it.

No, thank you. I'm fine.

It can only be found on the coast,

between the southwestern Atlantic in Brazil

and the Black River in Argentina.

It's delicious. Try it.

All right.

I'm joking, they catch them in Acapulco.

You're hilarious.

Did you bring what I told you to?

That's gross. Wasn't it easier to bring a hair?

No. There are toe nails all over my place.

You're kidding. I can't believe this guy.

-Is the photo necessary? -Yes, it accelerates the process.

Give me your hand.

I want you to imagine that Eustaquio is falling into a black hole. It's very deep.

All the way down,

but you can't see the bottom.

-Did you feel that? -What?

Let me see, come on.

-Relax, Fabi. Just one builder died here. -What?

-He was peaceful. -Please, no.

-Look who's here! -Oh, my goodness.

It's my friend, Palazuelos.

-My dear Tony. -What's up? How are you, bro?

I've been transformed!

I have to tell you that your course is giving me back my mojo.

I'm convinced that you're a genius!

-No way. You're the genius! -No. It's you!

-No. It's you. You! -You are the genius, Tony!

Some models from New York are coming to Tulum.

-We're going to be on my yacht. -Of course!

-You're the expert! Teach me! -Please, you should be teaching me.

Girls, let me introduce you to Tony.

-The greatest of geniuses. -Take care of him, please.

The diamond, the diamond.

God bless you, bro. You've changed my life.

-You're the best. -Likewise.

-You're an expert! -Oh, please. If you insist.

-Great. Excuse me. -Bye.

-I'm going to the bathroom. -Okay.

Cheers! Cheers!

Fish! Fish, Fish.

Fish, did you see her?

How are you doing? Nothing yet?

What can I say?

It may sound odd, but women don't like it when you burn their arms.

-What? That was you? -Yes, it most certainly was me.

You're shitting me.

Dude, I'm starting to think that either I'm a total idiot

or this course doesn't work.

Look, the course does work

because HIV is positive, man.

-Okay, dude. -Here's my champ!

-I saw you, man. Excellent hunting. -Thanks, man.

-I see you made it. -All thanks to you.

-She's in the bathroom. What's next? -In order to close with a grand finale, dude...

-a golden pill. -You're kidding, what for?

So your nerves don't affect your performance.

-What a good idea! -It's a present for you.

-Thank you so much, really. -There's nothing to thank.

-What's up with you, Fish? -I'm hanging in there, shifu.

Let's see, repeat after me.

HIV Positive...

HIV Positive.

No, try again. HIV Positive.

-HIV Positive. -Stand strong.

-HIV Positive. -HIV Positive.

-HIV Positive. -Help him.

HIV Positive.

H-I-V Positive.

No way. HIV Positive!

-HIV Positive! -That's it.

HIV Positive.

-Stand your ground! -HIV Positive!

-That's it! -Come again.

-HIV Positive! -HIV Positive!

-HIV Positive! -I'm HIV Positive!

That's it, that's it! Way to go, dude.

-What are you doing? -Sorry, I took your robe and flat iron.

Are you straightening your pubs?

Yes, I like the way it looks.

I'll braid it all like a Viking.

So I climbed down Kilimanjaro, all tattered and torn,

and three elephants were chasing me. And, boy, can they run.

People don't know how fast they can run.

But I didn't mind because someday it would be an anecdote

that I would tell a beautiful woman to make her laugh.

Hey, Ania.

I like you.

Hey, Gonzalo. You're not so bad yourself.

We're having a good time, aren't we?

Yes.

Would you like to continue having a blast?

-Together. -Well...

Yeah.

This is a standard Consent and Non-repetition Contract.

Sign it, and I'll invite you to play at my place.

How elaborate.

Except that...

I see a loophole in your little contract.

I doubt it. You know who wrote it? The most stuck-up law firm in the country.

Believe me, these dudes don't make mistakes.

I don't doubt it, except...

I'm a transsexual woman, and from what I can see,

there's no mention of it in your contract.

Okay.

See you.

I don't know what to do, she stirred me.

She's very sexy and pleasant, but she caught me by surprise.

What's the issue, then?

The fact of thinking that she used to be a guy. Come on!

Listen, after everything you've said about Ania,

she's a woman in every sense of the word.

-That shouldn't bother you. -Right on.

I know, Sebastián, but it's not that easy to process.

And I'm a very liberal person.

My best advice to you is enjoy it, experience it, do it.

Forget your prejudice. Just enjoy it, man.

Yeah, man. If you like her, go for it.

You're right. It's so lame to get stuck on rancid sexual hang-ups.

-We're modern men, dudes. -Exactly.

-There you go. -Thanks.

-It's short. -You didn't meet your quota again, Tony.

My Hungry Powerful Vaginas deserve more.

-Much more. -Look, Sonia, it's quality, not quantity.

A loser actor and his stooge?

Those guys are stinking up my club.

If you don't bring studs that my girls can flirt with,

this whole scam will collapse. And then what?

I'll lose my HPV and you'll lose HIV. How about that?

Look, Tony. This is business, not a Red Cross drive.

No, no, no. One guy can pick up three chicks.

-I need more! -So...

Scrotum!

I want my money back, man.

Okay...

I think you need a one-on-one course, for special people like you.

No offense but stop pretending. I know about HPV.

This is a scam, give me back my money!

Now, Fish, not only is this not a scam,

we brought broads who want to flirt.

You couldn't be more stupid or a bigger loser.

-You're a fucking omega. -Yes, I'm an omega.

I'm an idiot and I'm a loser,

but three things are very clear to me, man.

One: women aren't prey.

Two: people have feelings.

And three: above all else,

you don't need a course

to learn how to relate to women normally, dude.

How are you supposed to develop self-confidence

if you're always acting like Palazuelos, the soap opera star?

What year are you from, 2005?

For God's sake, wake up.

I'd rather never have sex

than be a Neanderthal like you.

Sorry.

You fucking omega loser.

Goodbye, I'm going to pick up a girl.

-Bye. -Hey.

What did you say your name was?

I'm Fish.

Sonia.

It's a pleasure. Do you dance?

Ania... Sorry, I did it all wrong.

What are you doing?

Asking for a ride.

No, no, no. Let me see.

Cancel it.

Eustaquio!

What's up?

Can you come here, please?

Did you see what I brought?

-You bought all that? -Sure did, girl.

It was uncool to empty out your fridge.

Sorry. What were you going to say?

Nothing. I forgot.

Well, with that sour sauce you brought,

I'm going to make you a delicious wok of...

What's wrong, what happened?

I hit my little toe.

Oh, no! That little toe is so painful.

It's so nice that you remembered to buy peppers.

I thought you didn't hear me when I said I needed some--

No, that's not yours. That's not for you.

That's not for you, Eustaquio!

-Really? -No, that's not... It's not for you.

Oh, man. If you wanted me to go, you should have said so.

I thought we flowed together and that you were an honest woman,

beautiful inside and out, a being of light.

-I'm sorry. -Look. Don't worry.

I can drop by some other day to align your chakras, and we'll be good.

I'm going to pick up my stuff.

My underwear's still wet,

but there's a breeze, or I can blow on them so they'll dry.

Whatever.

Eustaquio.

What?

Don't say anything to Gonzalo, please.

I suppose it hasn't been easy for you to have relationships.

You can't imagine.

I'm a transwoman, but I'm heterosexual.

I like heterosexual men.

But most of them don't consider me

a viable option as a long-term couple.

So my demographic group is fairly reduced.

I think...

I'm part of that group.

Just a moment.

-I have two conditions, okay? -Okay.

-One: no more talking about the trans topic. -Fine.

-If you have any questions, google them. -Okay.

And... I don't want to be a fetish.

I don't want to feel like you're experimenting with me

just to see what it's like.

And I don't want to be the funny anecdote you tell your friends about.

Look, Ania, this is very new to me.

But I'm here for one reason.

I like you, okay?

Okay.

But I have one condition too.

You have to sign my contract.

There's no distinction,

sign it, please.

Okay.

Rules are rules.

We'll see about changing them later.

Let her breathe.

Hey.

-Shall we go to my place? -No.

-Here. -Here?

Sorry...

Just a sec.

What is it?

This...

-I met a girl a couple of days ago... -Really?

Wait, wait. I've been looking for her, and I didn't expect to...

It's nothing personal, but this...

You're so lame. Bye.