All language subtitles for Columbo 5 - Dead Weight (1971) TV

(Doorbell)

- Dutton?
- General Hollister.

Come in.

- You want a drink?
- No, thank you. I don't have much time.

- I would have called but...
- But what?

I didn't want to risk a wiretap.

A wiretap? You sound paranoid, Colonel.

No, General. Just being cautious.

And the reason for this caution?

The word just came down this morning.

A special directive to all section chiefs.

The Inspector General's starting
a full investigation of arms contracts.

I see.

- You're sure?
- Yes, sir.

That's unfortunate.

But I suppose it would have
happened sooner or later.

- If they find out...
- They won't find out.

General, if anyone digs deep enough,

they'll discover I've let your
construction company charge a fortune.

Offer the standard explanation,

unforeseen difficulties
in developing the arms system.

It won't stand up. When the IG
sees your bargain-basement bids

he'll know I let you
practically steal those contracts.

They'll indict both of us.

As you say, Colonel,
you're the one that accepted the bids.

You approved the overruns.

With that much money involved, they'll
know we were in it together. I'm getting out.

- Oh?
- I'm leaving for Geneva tonight.

- And you might do the same.
- I have a business to run.

Besides, I never believed in a forced retreat.

Maybe you can bluff them
but I don't have your reputation.

You'll have less of a reputation
if you go AWOL. It's an admission of guilt.

They won't know it for 30 days. I took leave.

It's a small world, Colonel. They'll find you.

No way, sir. I'll manage to disappear.

And if they do,
just for the sake of argument?

Naturally, I'd keep your involvement
to myself. I'd refuse to testify.

Not even to shorten a jail sentence
for giving evidence?

Believe me, there's nothing to worry about.
They won't know where I am.

How did you get here, Colonel? Taxi?

No, sir. I drove. Why?

I've been thinking.

You present me with a problem.

Problem?

You assure me that my name
will never come into this,

that you will be my protector.

I'm afraid I can't take that risk.

(Seagulls crying)

- Did you see that?
- What?

A man just shot someone!

- But where?
- Over there.

- See?
- I don't see anything.

- He moved away from the window.
- You've been out in the sun too long.

- Mother, I'm telling you...
- Oh, it's a mirage.

No, we're going back.

- We're going what?
- Which way is back?

Which way is... What are you doing?

- I got it. It's all right. I'm all right.
- You take this.

Yeah, I got that. Now, you take this.

But what'll I do with it?

Mr Barnes!

- Here, let me give you a hand.
- Thank you, Mr Barnes.

All I can say about
the way she handles a boat,

you certainly know
when she's docked - whiplash.

If you hand me your aft line,
Mrs Wallace, I'll secure your stern.

- I beg your pardon?
- I'll tie up your boat.

Oh. Yes, of course. Is this it?

Yeah, that's it. Thank you.

Oh, I never thought we'd make it.

Neither did I.

- Couldn't do it, eh?
- What?

Call the police.
I knew you'd come to your senses.

They must get a thousand
eyewitness crank calls an hour.

What are you gonna do?

Operator. Could I please have the police?
I'd like to report a shooting.

Hello. Is this the police?

Oh, er...

This is Mrs Stewart.
I'm down at the boat place and...

Officer Sanchez.

- Mrs Stewart?
- I'm Mrs Stewart.

- That's my mother, Mrs Walters.
- You reported a shooting?

Yes, uh-huh.

- Yes?
- Oh. Well, this man in a bathrobe...

erm, er... he shot another man in a uniform.

What kind of uniform was it?

Oh, well, I...

I can't tell the difference between
an usher and a mailman.

I can tell them apart
but not what they're wearing but...

Well, I'm sure it was a military uniform.

- Did you see anything, ma'am?
- Mm-mm.

My daughter's the one who sees things.

Just because you were looking the other
way doesn't mean that I didn't see it.

Where was this shooting, Mrs Stewart?

Right over there. See?
See that house over there?

- Are you sure?
- Oh, yes, oh, yes.

- Do you know who lives in that house?
- Well, no. Does it matter?

I'd rather not say till we've had
a chance to investigate.

Oh, right.

- May I have your address?
- She lives with me.

8090 Vale.

- May I have your phone?
- 985-4321.

OK. Thank you.

Is that... is that all?

For now. If we need anything more,
you'll be contacted.

- Thank you.
- 985-4321.

Yes, ma'am.

- Come on!
- You know, I...

Come on!

On that shooting, the witness says
it occurred in General Hollister's house.

- 'The General Hollister?'
- Yes, sir.

It just doesn't seem right
that a slick sleeve like me

would ask a man like General Hollister
if he just shot somebody.

'I see your point, Sanchez. I'd better
send over somebody from Homicide.

- 'I'll have him there as soon as I can.'
- Roger.

- Sorry, sir.
- Huh? For what?

- That spot's reserved.
- Oh, I see. All right.

Er... Er...

- Who is it reserved for?
- The police.

Oh, I think I'm the one you're waiting for.

I'm a lieutenant. My name is Columbo.

Sorry, Lieutenant.
I was expecting an official car.

Oh, that's all right.

- Your name is Sanchez?
- Yes, sir.

- I see.
- That's General Hollister's house.

Anyone come in or out
since you've been here?

Two young fellows in cadet uniforms
went in a little while ago.

- That's their wagon over there.
- Uh-huh.

- Is there another way out of the house?
- By water.

The general's got a yacht at the back.

I see. I'm gonna go in
and speak to the general.

- While I'm doing that, you search the yacht.
- But Lieutenant, I don't have a warrant.

I'll ask the general for permission.
If he doesn't give it, then I'll get a warrant.

In the meantime, check it out.

Listen, pay particular attention
to the engines.

And if you find out anything, let me know.

(Doorbell)

- General Hollister?
- Yes?

I'm from the police, sir.
My name is Columbo. Lieutenant Columbo.

- Yes, Lieutenant?
- I'm sorry to disturb you, sir,

but we have this report about this shooting.

- A shooting?
- Yes, sir. In this house.

That's quite an opening line, Lieutenant.

Sir, I'm sure
it's just a crackpot complaint but I...

- But it's your job to follow it up.
- Yes, sir.

I've had to do many unpleasant things
myself in the line of duty.

But may I ask, this alleged shooting,

just who is supposed to have shot whom?

Well, you see, sir, we don't know exactly.

Only that the victim
was wearing some kind of a uniform.

A uniform. Well, come in.

These young men are from
my alma mater, Lieutenant. MMI.

They're here to take away
my military souvenirs for...

permanent enshrinement
at the Memorial Hall.

As a matter of fact, MMI is giving me
a testimonial dinner tonight.

It's for the 20th anniversary of my retirement
and the opening of the Hollister Exhibit.

Yes. General, do you think
I could look inside?

Lieutenant, wouldn't that be a little obvious?

I wanna tell my superiors
that I've checked everything out.

- They've started nailing it shut.
- It's just two nails, sir.

Very well. Gentlemen?

My friend here would like
to inspect the crate.

- Would you open it again, please?
- Yes, sir.

Wow.

- A lot of guns.
- War trophies, Lieutenant.

Er... AK-47 assault rifle.

PPSh-41 drum.

PPSh-41 clip.

All Soviet-made, and as you've observed,
all with their firing pins removed.

I see. They're very, very interesting,
General.

War mementos, Lieutenant.

Lively memories, empty uniforms,

all carefully packed for the exhibit.

Oh, yes, of course. I'm sorry, sir.

Er... I'll just put these back in here.

There you are. I...

I think that is fine.
Thank you very much.

Carry on, gentlemen.

- Could I offer you something?
- Oh, no. Thank you very much.

- Say, you got a beautiful place here.
- Thank you.

It's roomy and it's homey and...

That's a fireplace. Wow!

Boy, you know, when I was a kid,
we used to have those fake wooden kinds.

Remember them? They had a fan
in the back and a red light and ribbons.

You'd turn on the fan,
and the ribbons would flutter.

Yeah, they were terrific.

- That's funny.
- What's funny?

Don't you have those irons?

You know, that you put
in the fireplace to put the...

- Oh. Andirons.
- Andirons. Yeah.

No, I never build a fire there.
It's too much trouble.

- Easier to turn up the thermostat.
- I see.

Oh, for show.

- Oh, the wood is for show.
- Mm-hm.

Lieutenant, I've been thinking. The person
who turned in that report was right.

There was someone here in uniform.

Me.

While I was packing...

I couldn't resist
trying on the old harness, you know.

I'm glad to be able to tell you
that I can still get into it.

The report said there was
another man here, dressed in a bathrobe.

Whoever filed that report
was seeing double.

Yes, I was wearing a bathrobe
while I was packing.

- Got a match?
- A match.

- There you are.
- Thank you.

- Hey, that's quite a lighter.
- One of a kind.

Yeah, that's something.

Weren't you sending
all of your stuff to the exhibit?

Not quite everything, Lieutenant.

This has a very personal meaning for me.

It's a gift from my staff
on the day I retired from service.

Oh. Yeah.

General, do you mind if I look around?

No. By all means, help yourself.

Not much to see here.

Just a basic BOQ.

I guess that's why I like it.

- Any servants?
- A housekeeper. Comes in twice a week.

- Good night, General.
- Oh, let me get the door.

Careful.

Good night.

Lieutenant, the bedrooms are this way.

Guest bedroom, Lieutenant.

Master bedroom.

- General, have you been here all day?
- No, I was out on my boat till about two.

- You didn't go out after that, sir?
- No.

I was here packing,
getting ready for the testimonial dinner.

- Do you mind if I look in your closet?
- No.

By all means, be thorough, Lieutenant.

Extra uniforms.

General, that's a lot of fruit salad.

Past history. All to be donated, Lieutenant.

Well, you've had the tour.
Anything else I can do for you?

No, I guess that's it.

Unless...

Unless what?

Well, as long as I'm here...

Do you happen to own a gun, General?

- A handgun?
- Oh, no, I...

Yes. Yes, I do.

A target pistol.

It's a funny thing.
I never think of it as a weapon.

.22 calibre High Standard.

Supermatic Trophy model. There you are.

- What's that medal for?
- Oh...

That's a first with
the United States Marine Pistol Team.

You know, Lieutenant...

I had this out earlier today.

I was thinking of giving it over
to the exhibition,

although it's never had anything
to do with my military career.

I was, er...

I...

Oh, yes!

Yes, I remember now.

I stumbled over the crate
as I was looking at the gun.

- Might've been what your witness saw.
- Of course.

Oh, well, there we are.

There we are.

Oh... (Chuckles)

I doubt if I could...
if I could win any medals today.

I've been so busy for months,
I haven't had any chance to practise.

- Here, see for yourself.
- Well, I'm not a ballistics expert, sir.

Well, take it along with you.
Have your people check it out.

No, I don't think that'll be necessary, sir.

I think I'm on a wild goose chase.

Matter of fact, I don't think there's
much else I can look for, General.

- I think I'll be running along.
- Before you go, Lieutenant...

just who reported this murder?

I never said it was a murder.

Well, this alleged shooting.
Who turned in the report?

- I'm afraid I can't tell you that, sir.
- Oh.

- That's against regulations.
- Oh, yes, of course.

Well, there's one thing for sure -

that whoever it was, it had to be some...

some guy out here in a boat in the marina.

General, I'd like to keep
the record straight on that.

Now, I never said that it was a man.

- You mean it was a woman?
- I never said that either, sir.

Well, it doesn't make any difference.

Mistakes have no gender.

Well, that's for sure.

Er... Well, I want to apologise
for takin' up your time.

Please, don't give it a thought.

- Good night, sir.
- Good night, Lieutenant.

- Oh, one thing I almost forgot.
- Yes?

- Your boat.
- What about it?

I had the boat checked out, sir,
while we were talking.

I didn't think you had anything to hide
and I just thought it would save time.

I always preached initiative to my men,
so I don't see how I can object now.

And you're right. You did save time.

- Thank you, sir.
- Thank you, Lieutenant.

- Good night.
- Good night.

Oh, General, enjoy your dinner.

Oh. Well, thank you, Lieutenant.

(Police radio)

- Didn't find a thing.
- The engines?

They were cold.

Did Mrs Stewart look like
she'd been drinking?

Could've been. I don't really know.

I guess we both got
a lot of paperwork to do, huh?

(Engine starts)

- Here, Joey. Gas up number two.
- Mr Barnes.

- Hi, General.
- Hi. How are you?

A couple of hours ago, out on the marina,
somebody waved at me.

I think it was an old friend.
Any idea who it could have been?

Was it one of my boats?

It might have been.
You might have it there in the record.

- Probably Mrs Stewart and her mother.
- Mrs Stewart. That's it.

Do you know where she lives?
I'd like to see her.

- Yeah, sure. I got it right here.
- Good.

- You're not gonna sail with her, are you?
- Why?

She's the worst - man, woman or child.

She can't sail!
I couldn't take my eyes off her.

- I thought she'd keel over any minute.
- Well, I'll watch it, Mr Barnes. Thanks.

- Here you go.
- Thank you. Thank you very much.

(Psychedelic music, laughter)

- (Knock at door)
- Just a minute.

- Mrs Stewart?
- Yes.

Lieutenant Columbo, from the police,
about a report of a shooting.

Oh! Yes. Come in.

- Who is it, Helen?
- It's the police, Mother.

Um, we're just having
a before-dinner cocktail.

- Would you...?
- No, that's all right.

Ask for his identification.

Oh, Mother. I'm sorry, Lieutenant.

That's all right. She's entitled to that.

- You must be Mrs...
- Mrs Walters.

- Walters.
- Right. Here you are, ma'am.

You sure don't look like a policeman.

- I have to make a salad. Here you are.
- Thank you.

Mother is the eternal optimist.

She's always hoping for the worst.

Well, Lieutenant, what...?

What is that? Do you mind?

- Would you like to see it?
- I'd like it very much.

Well, it's not finished yet.

When it's done, it's gonna be a bowl.

You know, like for plants and things.

Or maybe it's gonna be
an Indian water pitcher.

I haven't really made up my mind yet,
creatively speaking.

Well, this work is very, very interesting.

They say it's important
to work with your hands.

It's very good therapy.

And she needs it.

I'm just a mass
of therapeutic studies lately...

sailing, art classes.

- I even went back to work.
- What do you do?

I work with children and animals.

Well, that's constructive.

You see that? That's a reflection of my job.

Oh. You don't know what it is, do you?

No, I don't, but it's very nice.

It's a South American llama.
We have them at the Ark Park.

At the where?

It's where I work
with the children and the animals.

I see. So this fella here is a llama, huh?

Well, you see, I try and go
beyond the surface, you know?

To find a deeper meaning, a truer reality.

At least, that's what I think I do.

Mrs Stewart, I'm gonna get right to the point.

I couldn't find any evidence of
any shooting in that house you pointed out.

There was no gun. There was no victim.
There was nothing.

Just a house, a fella livin' in it.

Well, I know what I saw.

- Maybe you think you saw it.
- What does that mean?

The fella that owns that house
is a retired marine general.

He says that if you saw him in the window,

one, he was alone, and two,
he was wearing a bathrobe.

What about the man in uniform?

He says that later on,
he did try on an old uniform

and he was carrying
a target pistol at the time.

He says he tripped over
a crate that he was packing.

Now, to you, does that sound
like a reasonable explanation?

Oh, very reasonable.

But it's not what I saw.

Uh-huh. I see. Er...

Did you ever wear glasses?

No, I don't wear glasses.
I have perfect vision.

- I have better than perfect vision.
- Mm-hm. Look, er...

I don't want you to get offended
at what I'm gonna say now but...

were you doin' a little drinkin' this afternoon?

Oh!

Oh, Lieutenant, this is really too much!

That police officer this afternoon,
and then my mother and now...

- I am not hallucinating!
- I'm trying to reconcile your story.

I saw two men. One in a bathrobe,
and the other one in a uniform.

The one in the bathrobe shot the other man.

That is the simple truth. The sane
and the sober and the simple truth.

Now, do you believe me?

Mrs Stewart, a murder charge
is about as serious as you can get.

Lieutenant, I didn't ask you
if it was a serious charge.

I asked you if you believe me.

You always did have
a weird imagination, even as a child.

Those imaginary playmates,
all those games.

You never wanted to face reality.

Mother, to some people

that would have meant
that I had a creative and imaginative mind.

- (Knock at door)
- I'll get it.

Can't a person sit down
and have a bite to eat in peace?

- Yes?
- Mrs Stewart?

No, no. I'll call her for you.

Helen darling, there's
a gentleman here to see you.

- For me?
- Yes, yes.

- Yes?
- You're Mrs Stewart?

You seem surprised.

Well, pleasantly, I assure you.

What can I do for you?

You can watch the 11 o'clock news
on television tonight.

- What?
- Apparently I need a character reference.

I'm afraid I don't understand.

You don't recognise me?

No. Should I?

You said that you saw me
shoot somebody today.

No. You have nothing
to fear from me, Mrs Stewart.

But if you'll watch the late news tonight

I'm sure you'll agree that
you've miscast me as a murderer.

'Earlier this evening, General Hollister
was honoured by his alma mater,'

'the Marine Military Institute.'

'At the banquet tonight,
MMI dedicated the Hollister Exhibit'

'in their Memorial Hall,'

'the General thereby
joining other select alumni'

'who have distinguished themselves
in the defence of their country.'

'General Hollister
was given a standing ovation.'

'If any man in recent memory
may be said to have had charisma,'

'certainly, that man was
General Martin J Hollister.'

'Early on in the Korean War,
as a colonel commanding armoured cavalry,'

'Hollister captured the imagination
of the American people.'

'His courage, his brilliance
in improvising in the heat of battle,'

'his colourful garb of riding britches,
boots and pearl-handled Colt.45'

'soon earned him the nickname
The Iron Horseman.'

'Later, as a brigadier general
with his own division,'

'he distinguished himself
by a daring end run in which,'

'out of ammunition, using only his
famous pistol and a monumental bluff,'

'he succeeded in capturing the opposing
enemy commander and his headquarters.'

'Finally, a land mine accomplished
what nothing else could -'

'put General Hollister out of action
with severe wounds,'

'wounds that necessitated
his untimely retirement from active duty'

'as one of the youngest major generals
in this nation's military history.'

'On the foreign scene,
the Secretary of State again reiterated'

'the United States' determination
to keep troop levels in Europe stable.'

'In reply to sharp Senate...'

You still think he could
shoot someone for no reason?

He's practically on Mount Rushmore.

You didn't even recognise him.

I was in a state of shock. I didn't
expect him to show up on our doorstep.

- Why don't you just admit you're not sure?
- Because I am sure.

You were sure
when you were married to Tom.

You had him running around
with other women.

No wonder he wanted a divorce.

Those were not mirages, Mother!

Those were flesh-and-blood ladies he was
carrying on with. He even admitted it.

Your pot's overcooking.

That is not a pot!

It's a crock!

Oh!

General Hollister. Colourful character.

Reminds me of General Patton.
Old Blood And Guts.

How about a game of pool
before we call it a night?

No, thanks, Bert. I gotta get up early.

Got somethin' special goin' on?

Er, yeah. I think I'm gonna do a little fishin'.

Hey. All right.

If you catch something good, bring it in.

I'll give you a bowl of chilli free. Hey!

Come on, General,
just one more drink. One more?

Look, it's four o'clock in the morning.

Go on home to your wives, gentlemen.

Let's go up for one more drink.

Look, I always make it a rule
to be in bed before reveille.

Go home. Good night, gentlemen.

Ahoy, Lieutenant. You're an early bird.

- Oh, yes, sir.
- Be right with you.

Yeah. I'm just combining
a little business with pleasure.

- At this hour?
- Well, George...

My brother-in-law George?
You don't know him.

But he's a fantastic fisherman,

and he told me that the best time
to catch anything is around now.

He says get there before everybody
and you catch the fish off guard.

Mm-hm. Doesn't look like it worked.

Not yet. But I'm gonna keep trying.

Mm-hm. I don't think you'll catch
anything big around here, Lieutenant.

- You're too close in.
- Oh?

Yeah, you know, you're probably right.

General, there's somethin'
I don't understand.

All the other fishing boats, they were goin'
out, and your boat is just comin' in.

- Why is that?
- I've won a lot of battles, Lieutenant,

and I've caught a lot of fish
by doing the unconventional thing.

Do you know that I have always envied
somebody with that talent?

- Mm-hm?
- I don't think you can learn that.

I think you're born with that.

You know, inventors
and military strategists?

Now, I wish I had that.
That'd be a terrific thing in my work.

- Do you know what I mean?
- Yes, I'm sure it would.

Talking about work, there's a couple
of loose ends I'd like to tie up.

Nothing important, you understand,
but I would like to get 'em tied up.

- Fire away.
- I was watchin' the news last night.

Those film clips of you in action?
Great stuff! Really.

- Thank you.
- Yeah, it was just thrilling.

But I happened to notice that you were
carrying a pearl-handled pistol.

- Splendid weapon. A single-action Colt.45.
- Yeah, I remembered that.

That was kinda
like your trademark, wasn't it?

Well, the thing is this, that...

when I asked you if you owned any guns,

you showed me your souvenirs
and your target pistol,

which is all very well and good,

but I was wondering,
what happened to that revolver?

Because when I looked into the crate,
you know, I didn't see it in there.

Lost it, Lieutenant. Long time ago.

When I was in the hospital in Korea,
someone "liberated" it, you know.

Wanted a souvenir.
Actually, I was pretty pleased it was taken.

It was getting to be just too much
of a publicity gimmick.

I see. So the Hollister Exhibit

is gonna have to do without
the famous Hollister gun.

Er, not exactly.
MMI wanted one for their Memorial

- so they had a duplicate made.
- I see. Uh-huh.

Now, I've gotta change.
So, if there's anything else I can do for you?

- No, that'd be all, sir.
- Oh, fine.

Just a piece of advice.

Find a different spot.
Or use a different bait.

Otherwise, you're not gonna
catch anything, Lieutenant.

Mrs Stewart. Mrs Stewart!

Good afternoon.
Did you watch television last night?

Yes, I did. How did you find me?

I went by your apartment.
Had a nice talk with your mother.

- Quite a lady.
- Isn't she?

Mm-hm.

I understand you're through here
in about an hour.

Do you suppose
you and I could go somewhere...?

Oh, a public place, if you're worried...

someplace where we could have a drink?

- Why?
- Well, you're breaking the law.

I don't think I understand.

You're accusing, convicting
and sentencing me without a fair trial.

Now, wouldn't you say
that that's un-American?

Here's to your convictions...
and my acquittal.

Oh, I don't judge you, General.

I just report what I saw.

Er... I'd like to suggest

the possibility that you were deceived.

Deceived by whom?

By yourself.

We all know the tricks
that the sun and the sea,

even your own eyes, can play on you.

Particularly after a long day on the water.

Would you admit that that's possible?

Just possible.

Well, I suppose so.

The defence rests. For today.

Now, I think we ought
to prosecute these martinis

before their statutes of limitations expire.

Your mother told me that you were divorced.

Yes.

Well, I saw how very good
you were with those children.

- Do you have any of your own?
- No.

Unfortunately. I always wanted them but...

Tom, that's my ex, he didn't want children.

We used to fight about that a lot.

Well, maybe you only lost one battle,
Mrs Stewart...

not a whole war.

What about you? Are you married?

No. I never did find the time.

First there was my military career.

Then my construction company.
I was married to the business, as they say.

Well, I can understand that.

Do you ever regret it?

Not really.

Oh, there are exceptions, like...

last night, when the door opened
and I saw you.

Come on, General.

You don't think I'm so insensitive
as to not see through that remark?

Now, what do you mean by that?

Well, yesterday I called the police

and I... I reported
that I saw you shoot a man.

And today you're telling me that
when you saw me, music filled your ears

and thunder and lightning filled the sky?
Oh, boy!

Yeah, you're right.

If... I guess if we'd both see
such a scene in a movie, we'd break up.

I meant it, though.

And to prove that,
I want to take you to dinner.

Agreed?

I'll take that for a yes.

If Helen had just closed her eyes
to some of Tom's flirtations,

they might still be married!

Whatever happened
to your husband, Mrs Walters?

Who knows? Sent him out
for Chinese food 30 years ago

and I haven't heard from him since.

You know, I have raised that girl since
she was three years old, single-handed?

Mother...

- Mrs Stewart.
- Hello, Lieutenant.

Well, I hope you don't expect to eat now.

No. I already had dinner.

At a lovely restaurant overlooking
the city. It was just beautiful.

You might have called. Did you dine alone?

Why, no. Not this time.

As a matter of fact,
I had dinner with General Hollister.

General Hollister!

What do you know about that?
Are you gonna see him again?

Well, he asked me to come out on his yacht.

Well, that calls for a drink.

You play your cards right,
bourbon today, champagne tomorrow.

Makes you kinda wonder, doesn't it?
About the general.

- What do you mean?
- I didn't tell him your name.

And I didn't tell him where you lived.

So, he musta gone
to a lot of trouble to find you.

- Curiosity about his accuser.
- Yeah.

Could be that.
Course, it could be something else.

Oh, thanks a lot, Lieutenant.

Am I so uninteresting that he couldn't
be interested in me for myself?

Oh, no. I didn't mean that at all.

You're a very individual person.

I was talking about the shooting.
I had second thoughts about the shooting.

You see, our traffic people
picked up a couple of kids.

They were joyriding in a car they hot-wired.

And it turned out this car belonged
to a Roger Dutton

and he's a marine colonel, Mrs Stewart.

It could be that he was the man
that you saw in the general's house.

You did a lot of investigating

for a man who asked me
if I wore glasses, or if I had been drinking.

That's just part of the job.
Anyway, I found out this Colonel Dutton

booked a passage
on an 8pm flight to Switzerland.

But then, he never showed up
to take the plane.

I still don't get the connection.

You see, this Colonel Dutton,

he was in the Marine Mat�riel Command.

That's a procurement officer.

But he had a lot of dealings
with General Hollister.

And he suddenly took leave
and then he just disappeared.

Now, if you could identify
the officer in this photograph

as the man that General Hollister shot,

then I think a lot of these pieces
would fall into place.

I can't be sure.

- That photograph is three years old...
- It all happened so quick. I can't be sure.

I see. Uh-huh. OK.

We haven't found the body yet,
so why don't you just keep that?

- Er...
- Maybe we'll come back to you, yes?

All right. Good night, Mrs Walters.
Good night, Mrs Stewart.

Er...

You know what strikes me?
You're the one that downgrades yourself.

One dinner with General Hollister
and you begin to doubt your senses.

Helen? You awake?

Ahh! I never knew
how hard fishing could be.

Never tell that to a fisherman. Look.

- What do you see?
- Your house.

And in the window?

I can't see anything, because of
the reflection of the sun on the water.

You said that you saw a shooting there,
about this same time of day.

(# Soft easy listening)

Ooh. Mm.

- Dance?
- Me? No.

- What?
- No, I'm kind of a klutz.

You know, my ex-husband, Tom, he was...

he was like a ballroom dancer,
he was so smooth,

it was like he was ice-skating, you know?

And then, I mean, I...

Well, people used to smirk and make jokes.

Those were my plumper days.

My mother said... I looked like a radish.

- Come here.
- No.

Come here. That's an order.

(Screaming)

(Boat horn)

'This late development has
just come into our newsroom.

'Early this morning, the body of a man
surfaced one-half mile off Marago Cove.

'The body has been identified
as that of Colonel Roger Dutton

'of the United States
Marine Mat�riel Command.

'Police report Colonel Dutton's whereabouts
has been in question for two weeks.

'We return you now
to The Timothy Jones Show.'

(Boat horn)

Ahoy!

Ahoy, there, Lieutenant.
What's this, another fishing expedition?

Not exactly.
Just wanted to talk to you, General.

Oh, I'm afraid I can't right now. No time.

Er... Unless you want to go along.
A short scenic cruise?

I'm taking an overnight haul.

- I want to test the engines.
- OK.

Er, cast this line off down here
and then hop aboard.

(Engine starts)

(Columbo) Gorgeous craft!
Must have cost a mint.

As they say, Lieutenant,
if you have to ask, you can't afford it.

Right. You know, the biggest thing
I've ever been on before is a rowboat.

Lieutenant, you didn't come all the way
out here to talk about life on the high seas.

Eh? No.

No, I was wondering, General,

have you heard about that body
they found off Marago Cove?

Colonel Dutton? Yeah, I just heard about it.
Just came on the radio.

That's shocking.

- Any idea what happened?
- Yes, sir.

Somebody shot him, sir.

I guess they weighted him down
and then they just dumped him.

- Is that a fact?
- Yeah.

I guess the sharks must have cut through
whatever was holding him down.

This is very interesting, Lieutenant,
but why are you telling me this?

Well, sir, to protect you.

- Protect me?
- Yes, sir.

I know that this is ridiculous
but the fellas down there at the department,

they say they've got
a pretty good case against you.

- Oh?
- Yeah.

- They're way out of line, I know that.
- Of course.

But they have these ideas,
and it could be embarrassing.

I tell ya, I kinda hate to get into it,
a man of your stature...

- By all means, get into it, Lieutenant.
- Yes, sir.

Take motive.

Your construction company got a lot
of contracts through Colonel Dutton.

So did hundreds of other companies.

But it seems as though he was being
investigated by the Inspector General.

If he were killed,
there would be no way of proving

a conspiracy to defraud the government.

If there's no one around,
perhaps that means it doesn't exist.

Right. Right. That's a good point.

Er, there's one other thing.

The morning after he disappeared,

you went out on your yacht.

Sheer coincidence.

Yeah, it probably is but we do know
that the body was disposed of at sea.

Now, I've been studying the tides, General.

The Coast and Geodetic Survey's
got a book on 'em

and it shows that a body dumped
off the marina in the ocean

might carry down to Marago Cove.

Might, Lieutenant. Might.

Sheer speculation!

Lieutenant, you should tell your colleagues

that they have yet to show any link
between Colonel Dutton and myself,

something that would prove
that we actually met on that day.

Yes, sir, you're right there.

But now that you mention it, it occurs to me
the night the colonel disappeared,

I did see a car like his
across the street from your house.

I don't know what kind
of a car the colonel drove

but there must be thousands
of them in Southern California.

You didn't, by any chance,

check the registration at the time?

Er... no, sir. No, sir, I didn't.

- There was no reason to.
- Now, that was unfortunate, wasn't it?

General, if you don't mind,
I'd like to go back now.

As you wish. I guess
we're about through with this test run.

You know, Lieutenant,
I don't see how a man...

with the name of Columbo...

Shouldn't he be more at home on a boat?

Must have been another branch
of the family, sir.

- How soon before we land?
- Not long.

(Groans)

You know, there is a link
between you and Colonel Dutton.

- Really?
- Mrs Stewart.

An eyewitness to the murder
of a military man in your house.

Help the lady aboard.

- Oh, Lieutenant, would you...?
- Let me take the bag.

Maybe you better... Could you just...
Yeah. No, no. Yeah.

- Should I take the bag?
- All right?

- There we are.
- OK? Oh! Thank you.

All right.

- Are you all right?
- Me? Fine. Just fine.

There's something I wanted
to talk to you about, Mrs Stewart.

We've just recovered a body.

A Colonel Dutton,
the man that I spoke to you about?

Somebody dumped him in the ocean.

- He thinks I shot him.
- What I think is unimportant.

What counts is what you saw.

Well, I didn't see anything.

Now, that's not what you said.

No, it was the light, some crazy reflection.

- Yeah, but you told me that you distinctly...
- I was wrong.

- Can't a person make a mistake?
- Maybe we could talk about this later.

I'm gonna say the same thing later
that I'm saying now, so would you...

Would you just please leave me alone?

If you ever want to go out again,
I'll be happy to take you, Columbo.

Hey, Lieutenant. How goes it?

So-so, huh?

How 'bout a bowl of chilli?

- Bert, gimme some chilli.
- There you go.

Comin' right up, Lieutenant.

Got the best in town, you know.

- You got a match?
- Sure!

Lemme get this chilli to ya.

Here you go, your crackers...

Here you go. Help yourself.
How do you like that coffee? Black?

- What is this?
- That's my helmet from the war.

- What war?
- What war? World War II!

My wife says I never throw anything out.

She put her foot down.
Either the junk goes or she goes.

You decided to keep her.

It was a tough decision.

Anyway, I brought all my war trophies
over here. Hey! Wait a minute.

You're one guy that can appreciate this.
I'll get you another bowl of chilli.

My chilli is good, no matter what.
Here. Look at this.

It's a Japanese stirring spoon
I got in Okinawa, the commissary.

Yeah. Ah, well.

You know, I guess my wife is right.
I can't give anything away.

Especially when it means something to ya.

Yeah, that was a long time ago, Lieutenant.

- (Sighs)
- Bert, gimme a dime.

OK, Lieutenant. There you go.

Let me give you
that bowl of chilli I dropped on ya.

Is that cream and sugar in that coffee?

Mrs Stewart? Lieutenant Columbo.

Mrs Stewart? Listen.

I appreciate very much
your coming here and meeting me.

Remember our agreement. No questions
and no trying to change my mind.

Not one question.
Not even a half a question.

I only wanted you to see the exhibit.

- Why?
- Look.

In order to understand a man,
you have to understand his past.

Quite a collection, huh?

See that book?
That's the Marine Military Manual.

Know the story behind that book?

No. Martin wanted to wait till
the first rush of tourists had passed

so he could explain everything
to me himself.

Gee, I guess he wants you to know
what kind of man he is too.

About this book.
There's a bullet in that book.

A sniper tried to kill him.

And that book stopped a bullet.
You know he never batted an eye?

I mean, that tells you something
about what kind of man he is.

Yes, that he's a man filled with courage.

More than a lot. I think
he has an unusual amount of courage.

More than us, more than average people.
If it was me, I would faint.

Most people would take time to recover.
But he didn't.

I think he's...
He's a very a cool man under pressure.

Hey, that's nice, isn't it?
Isn't that beautifully cut? Custom tailored.

You know, I think it's almost too nice.

All that concern about clothes,
it's kinda vain, don't you think?

Some men, Lieutenant,

do not want to look like an unmade bed.

Just look at this stuff.

Look at that!

This man just had a natural flair
for attracting attention to himself.

Sometimes undesirable attention,
Lieutenant.

You don't seem surprised to see me.

I was kind of expecting you.

I mean, when I spoke to Mrs Stewart
I had a hunch that she'd tell you.

I'd like to know what this is all about.

All right, sir. I'll get right to the point.

- It has to do with that duplicate of your gun.
- What about it?

I find it hard to believe... Mrs Stewart,
see if you agree with me on this.

I find it hard to believe
that a man like General Hollister,

who saved and cherished
every war souvenir,

even the smallest photograph...

It's strange that he was so careless
as to allow his gun to be stolen.

That pistol was the most famous
single symbol of his whole legend.

You agree with me, don't you?

Well, I don't know what you want me to say.

Well, if it was me, if it was my gun,

I would take very good care of that gun.

I'd have it in my apartment
where people could see it

and I would keep it polished
and I would keep it oiled

and I would keep it loaded.

And when a certain Colonel Dutton
came to see me

and threatened to expose me,

that's the gun that I would use.

Well, if what you say is true...
I mean, you searched!

- Where is that gun?
- That's what I asked myself.

Where is the gun?

Why not on public display?
Why not in a glass case?

Why not in front of thousands of people?

And after we found Colonel Dutton's
body, anybody else...

You, me, anybody else...

We'd have gotten rid of that gun.

We found the bullet in the victim

and the ballistics check
will match up the bullet with the gun.

But somehow, General, something told me

that you could never get rid of that gun.

It meant too much to you.

You couldn't even part
with a cigarette lighter.

No, that pearl-handled pistol
was just too tied up in your pride.

Because of your belief in yourself, you
thought everyone would accept your story

about having a duplicate made.

But there never was a duplicate made,
was there?

This, in fact, is the murder weapon,
isn't it, General?

I assume ballistics has checked out the gun.

- That won't be necessary.
- All right, Lieutenant.

I'm sorry.

What is it with me, Lieutenant, huh?

I seem to have a special talent, you know?
I mean, with...

With all the men in the world,

I always seem to pick Mr Wrong.

I'm seriously considering locking myself
in a closet for the rest of my life.

No. That's wrong.

That's just the way my niece Marilyn felt
after her divorce.

Now she's got a new husband.
As a matter of fact, he's a cop.

And they got six kids.

Lieutenant, just between us,
would you tell me the truth?

Do you really have a niece?

- What kind of question is that?
- Well, do you?

Of course I've got a niece.
My wife's sister's girl, Cynthia.