All language subtitles for )5991( eivoM hcnuB ydarB ehT

Captioning sponsored by
PARAMOUNT PICTURES

Captioning sponsored by
PARAMOUNT PICTURES

* Here, there's hills
of desert cheap wine *

* Here, there's psychic
mocha hotline *

* I'm feeling nothing

* It feels fine

* I'm feeling nothing

* Mo... jo

* Mojo in the sunshine

* Mud slide

* Free-range
chocolate shoeshine *

* I'm feeling nothing

* It feels fine

* I'm feeling nothing

* For all to shine.

( siren blaring )

MAN:
Well, that's what's brilliant
about you, Mr. Feldman.

No one else would have thought
of building

a residential mini-mall.

Now that I've got everyone
else on the block

to agree to your offer,
I think we're...

It's got to be everyone
on the block-- everyone--

or the deal's off.

Oh, we're headed
into the canyon.

I think I'm losing you.

Mr. Feldman.

Cut the crap, Dittmeyer.

Did you get everyone or not?

Well, there's this one family
that's holding out.

Then sweeten the deal.

Up the offer.

It's not that simple.

It's like they're not interested
in money.

It's like they're not normal.

Why the hell not?

What's their story?

* Here's the story
of a lovely lady *

* Who was bringing up
three very lovely girls *

* All of them had hair of gold
like their mother *

* The youngest one in curls

* It's a story
of a man named Brady *

* Who was busy with three boys
of his own *

* They were four men
living all together *

* Yet they were all alone

* Till the one day
when the lady met this fellow *

* And they knew that it was
much more than a hunch *

* That this group must
somehow form a family *

* That's the way we all became
the Brady Bunch *

* The Brady Bunch

* The Brady Bunch

* That's the way we became
the Brady Bunch. *

( sighs )

( heavy metal music playing )

( grunts )

Don't worry about me.

I'm okay.

Morning, Mrs. Brady.

Oh, thanks, Alice.

Morning, Alice.

Careful, Mr. Brady.
Don't bend over.

We've gotten

the Dittmeyers' mail
again, sweetheart.

You'd think, after
all these years

they'd know
who lives where.

Well, I always know where
to deliver my mail.

Mr. Brady...

( lisping ):
Mommy, Marcia's been

in the bathroom for
a super-long time.

Now, Cindy, we've
told you before--

no one likes
a tattletale.

But, Daddy...

Your father's right,
sweetheart.

Why don't you

help Alice
make some cookies?

Okay, Mommy.

But can my doll help, too?

As long as it's
not Betsy Wetsy.

She makes my cookies
soggy woggy.

Oh, Alice.

Mmm.

4,998...

Come on, Marcia, open up.

I've got to shave.

4,999...

Gosh, Marcia, there are
other people in this family

besides you.

5,000.

JAN:
Come on, Marcia.

Doug Simpson's sure
to notice me today.

All finished.

Finally.

Greg.

Jan, you're just going
to have to wait your turn.

It's never my turn.

Jan, did you move
my trophies?

Yes. I couldn't look
in the mirror

without seeing the awards
of the great Marcia Brady.

( clears throat )

I believe these are
my white kneesocks.

Not everything in
this room is yours.

See, Jan? I told you
they were mine.

Now, put them back,
and don't forget to close

the drawer when you're done.

She has every right to be mad.

They are her socks.

But why does Marcia get
all the socks?

Why does Marcia get
all the trophies?

Why does Marcia get
all the good drawers?

Yeah. Why does Marcia
get everything?

Marcia, Marcia, Marcia.

It's closed!

Come on, Greg. Hurry up.

( voice cracking ):
Boy, he's worse than Marcia.

Hmm.

Hey, what's wrong
with your voice?

Well, my libido is increasing
at a rapid rate

and the surge of hormones

causes dramatic physical
and emotional changes.

Well, that's what Miss Lynley
told us in health class.

Finally.

Yeah.

Well, you kids have no idea what
it takes to impress a chick.

Maybe, someday,
when you're older

you'll get hip
to what it's like being a man.

Good news, Greg.

I'm putting on your favorite
Scooby Doo bedsheets.

( laughing )

Scooby Dooby doo!

Honey, I think you've
stirred that enough.

I'm not stirring.

I'm looking for
Kitty Carryall's underpants.

I tell you what.

Why don't I take
over the cookies,

and you run these letters
to the Dittmeyers

and see if they've gotten
any of our mail by mistake.

Okay, Mommy.

( siren blaring )

Missy,

get your butt-ugly face
down here!

Hello, Eric.
Are your parents home?

Blow off, cheeseball.

Missy!

Shut up before you
have a toxic dump.

Hello, Missy.

How's your science project
coming?

I finished mine.

What are you going to do?

Hand in your face
and call it barf mold?

( imitating lisp ):
Thee you on the theethaw,
Thindy.

Bye.

( tires screeching )

Look, Mr. Feldman, I promised
they'd sell, and they will.

Like the Bates deal.

Yeah, I know I took
it in the rear

on that subdivision,
but this time,

I'm the one
who's doing the screwing.

Yeah, well, just make sure
one holdout family

doesn't wreck this. You hear me?

Look, can I call you back?

Yeah.
Thanks.

Hello, Mr. Dittmeyer.

Why are you here?

Oh.

Thanks.

Mom asked me to ask you

if there's mail for us here
by mistake.

I... I don't understand you.

What do you want?

Mom asked me to ask you

if there's any mail for us here
by mistake.

What?

Mom asked me to ask you

if there's any mail
for us here by mistake.

Nope. Not a clue.

She wants the Bradys' mail,
Larry!

Thank you, darling.

So kind of you to climb out
from under your hangover.

Let's see.
Where did I file your mail?

Oh, yes.

Hi, honey.

Hi.

How's your daddy?

He's fine.

Mrs. Brady's lucky

to have a big, strong,
virile man like that.

Tell you what,
sweetie.

Next Christmas,
you tell you daddy

I'd be more than happy
to wrap his package.

Okay.

Here. Hit the road,
bad seed.

Excuse me, but the juice
will make your shoes slip.

( laughing ):
What?

Your shoes'll slip in the juice.

Oh.

Bye.

Bye-bye.

( laughing )

Daddy, Mrs. Dittmeyer said
that she'd be glad

to wrap your package
this Christmas.

Hmm... really?

How is Mrs. Dittmeyer?

Mr. Dittmeyer says
she's overhung.

But he's not in a good mood

because she's taking it
in the rear.

Must be that paperboy again.

Cindy, that's
Mr. Dittmeyer's business.

Remember, nobody likes a snitch.

I'm not a snitch.

I just tell it like it is.

You know, Cindy,
when you tattle
on someone,

you're not just
telling on them.

You're telling
on yourself.

And, by tattling
on someone,

you're really
just telling them,

"I'm a tattletale."

Now, is that the tale
you want to tell?

I never thought
of it like that.

Sweetheart, it's time to get

your school things
together, honey.

Okay, Mommy.

Hmm...

What is it, Mike?

It's a letter
from the county.

They say we
haven't paid
our property taxes.

Haven't paid our taxes?

We always pay our taxes.

Well, they say it's
the fifth notice

and we owe them $20,000
by the end of the week

or they'll auction
our house.

$20,000?!

There has to be a mix-up.

Well, we better call someone.

We are?

You do?

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

I see.

We should?!

You are?!

Uh-huh.

All right. Good-bye.

( sighs )

We owe them.

Oh, Mike.

Well, don't
you worry, honey.

We'll find the money.

Find the money?

But we used our savings

to go to the Grand
Canyon and Hawaii.

What are we going
to do, Mike?

Okay, troops...

time for school!

Greg!

Marcia!

Peter!

Jan!

Bobby!

Cindy!

Oh!
Oh!

Oh!
Oh!

Do we always have
to walk so close?

ALL:
Oh, Jan.

Uh... Mom, can I borrow
your car today?

I want to ask Donna Leonard

to go out for a soda
after school.

All right,
but no hot-rodding.

Thanks, Mom.

She's the most far-out chick
in my class.

You wouldn't believe

how much I dig her.

Sure, I would.

I've been digging Sam so long,

by the time he proposes,

I'll be six feet under.

( all laughing )

Oh, Alice, what would
we do without you?

Probably eat out.

( all laughing )

Hey, why the
long face, Bobby?

Well, ever since I became
a safety monitor

at school...

nobody will
talk to me.

They think I'm
some kind of fink.

Bobby, people
like to be corrected

when they're doing
something wrong.

That's how
we improve ourselves.

Right, Dad.

And, if your
sister would
wear her glasses,

she just might
improve her eyesight.

Marcia doesn't
have to wear glasses.

Besides, all my friends
at school

say glasses make me
look positively goofy.

Now, honey, you look very lovely
with your glasses on.

Doesn't she, kids?

Far out, Jan.
Yeah.
Yeah.

GREG:
You look great.

Yeah, I mean it.
Outtasight.

( all murmuring agreement )

MIKE:
All right, troops,
off to school.

CAROL:
Good-bye.

Have a good day.

GREG:
Bye, Mom.
Bye, Dad.

Bye, Mom.

Come on, Marcia.

I'm coming.

Jan, a real friend

likes you
for who you are,

not what's
on your face.

If you judge
your friends

for passing
judgment on you,

you're not only
judging yourself

you're judging your
friends for judging you.

And that would be
using bad judgment.

I never thought of it that way.

CAROL:
Jan?

Oh.

Bye.

CAROL:
Bye, honey.

( sighs )

Bye, Bobby.

Bye, Jan.

Oh!

Oh! Oh!

( loud crash )

Ow!

( dog barking )

( horn honking )

( tires screeching )

Stupid little
punk kid, stay out

of the road!

( brakes screeching )

( horn honking )

Davy Jones is the most.

I sure wish
he'd write back.

I wrote him
over a month ago.

But, Marcia, he gets
millions of letters.

But I president
of his fan club

and I invited him

to entertain
at the school dance.

A big rock star like that

can't just drop everything
for our dance.

Geez, you can be
so silly sometimes.

Everybody out.
This is a carjack.

Well, of course this is a car.

But my name's not Jack--
it's Greg.

And this is
my sister Marcia.

Hi.

And you are?

Eddie. Wait a minute.
Didn't you hear me?

Get out now!

This is a carjacking.

Greg, I think
he has a flat tire.

He must need a jack.

Sorry, Eddie.

We don't have a jack.

But don't worry.
I'll call AAA

as soon as we
get to school.

It was so nice to meet you.

Bye-bye.

( horn honking )

MAN:
Hey, you moron!

Out of the way, jerk!

Now, don't worry
about the house, honey.

I'm sure Mr. Phillips
will advance me the money.

Oh, of course he will.

You're the best
player on his team.

Mmm. Go get 'em, tiger.

Tiger... Tiger...

Whatever happened to that dog?

Ha! Brady.

Morning,
Larry.

You know, I was just reading
about some beautiful property

available up in Utah.

I'll bet you'd feel
right at home there.

Blue skies,
clean living, Osmonds.

Thanks, Larry, but I'm
still not interested in moving.

I love this house.

Carol loves it, the kids
love it, Alice loves it.

It was our first house
all together.

Half a mil--
take it or leave it.

Like I said, there's nothing
that could get us to sell.

I designed this house myself.

It's in perfect condition.

Carol thinks so, the kids
think so, Alice thinks so.

Sorry.

Well, you can't blame a guy
for trying, huh?

( laughing )

Putz.

Uh... excuse me,
Mr. Dittmeyer...

but, as a member
of the safety patrol,

I must warn you
that your hedge is overgrown

and can block the view
of the street

for oncoming traffic.

I know this
because I was on my bike

and checked out
the sight lines myself.

Hmm. Well, you see, Billy...

Bobby.

Like it matters.

I grew my hedge tall
for a reason.

So I wouldn't have
to see your family.

Thank you for your concern.

( horn honking )

( glass breaking )

MAN:
Loco! Loco!

( alarm blaring )

You are standing too close
to the vehicle.

* I've seen the future,
and this is... *

( horn honking )

* ...warmer, girl

* Making the music softer...

See you later.

Hey, there, groovy chick.

Oh, great.

Do I look like a yellow,
fuzzy baby bird to you?

Hey, that's funny, Donna.

You know, you are
really happening
in a far-out way.

How about you and me

going out for a soda
after school?

Sorry. I got a step class.

If you're
having problems
with your steps

maybe you should
let me carry your
books to history class.

I can hold my own books,
and it's not history--

it's "herstory."

Wow.

Hi, everybody.

* A goddess on a mountaintop

* Was burnin'
like a silver flame... *

Hey, Marcia.

Hello, Doug Simpson.

* And Venus was her name...

God, she drives me crazy!

DOUG:
I got to
have that.

I live next
door to her.

And she's harder
to get into

than a Pearl Jam
concert.

What are
you guys
talking about?

Just how twisted
the Bradys are.

Especially Marcia.

What a retro-wannabe.

I think
Peter's a babe.

Well, in a Gilligan
sort of way.

What, are you nuts?

( bell rings )

Biology.

Take notes.

What?

* Wow!

* She's got it

* Yeah, baby, she's got it...

( sighs )

Hi, Marcia.

Hi.

Oh, guess what? My mom
said I can sleep over.

Oh, really?

That's great, Noreen.
Guess what else.

Doug just
said hi to me.

He is so dreamy,
isn't he?

Yeah, I guess.

( signs )

If you like

that sort
of thing.

So, can I carry your books
to class?

Sure, Noreen.

After all, you are
my best friend.

Uh-oh.

Here comes Doug.

Go away.

Sure.

No, no. Stay.

Okay.

No, no. Leave.

Fine.

No, no. Stay.

And pretend
I just said

something really funny.

What? Oh.

( laughing )

DOUG:
Hi, Marcia.

( laughs and snorts )

What's up?

Oh. Um... hi, Doug.

Listen, I was
just wondering,

if you're not
doing anything

Friday night,
maybe you'd like to go

to the dance
with me.

Sure. That would be a blast.

Cool. You'll hear from me.

Great.

He's so outtasight.

( sighs )

Oh, my gosh!

I just remembered.

What?

I already told Charlie

I would go to the
dance with him.

So?

So I can't go out
with two boys at once.

I like Charlie,
but Doug is so cute.

And, after all,
he is the big man on campus.

Noreen, what am I going to do?

This is the worst mess
I've ever gotten myself into.

The worst!

Oh...

My life is over!

( bell rings )

TEACHER:
So, that is what
males experience

during the onset of puberty.

Now, as far as the young women
are concerned...

First, we begin with ovulation
and its effect

on the female body.

( snoring )

Peter?

Yes, Miss Lynley?

Why don't you come up here

and take the pointer...
and we will trace

the path of the ovum
through the fallopian tube,

where the uterine lining
is flushed through the vagina.

Ohh...

Oh! Peter!

Peter!

So, Jan, what can
I help you with?

Teen pregnancy?

Bulimia?

Suicidal
tendencies?

No. It's
my stupid glasses.

Oh.

I know I should wear them.

I look at myself
in the mirror every morning

and I say to myself,
"Jan, put on your glasses."

But then I say,
"You look like a super creep.

Take them off."

It's like my head tells me
to do different things

and I get very confused.

Inner voices?

Good. That's good.

Let's explore that.

What does she mean,
"inner voices"?

I don't think that's
any of her business.

But it's her job
to ask questions.

You are so dumb.

I don't have "inner voices."

Now, Jan,

paranoid schizophrenia
is very common

amongst children
of blended families.

You are the middle
child, aren't you?

Middle child?

Don't you mean
Marcia Brady's little sister?

Wait a minute.
She's just trying to help.

Help? Wake up!

She's just looking for
an excuse to bring up Marcia.

Marcia! Marcia! Marcia!

Yes! I'm in the middle!

Well, it sounds like
you have a serious case

of...

"middle child syndrome."

But you needn't worry.

Here's a copy of my book...

and my tapes.

In the meantime,

do something
to make yourself stand out--

give you
your own look--

apart from your siblings.

A new look.

That's it.

Gee, thanks, Mrs. Cummings.

Jan, come back

when you're pregnant.

And, girl, you better work.

* Work it down

* Do your thing...

BOY:
There ain't
no justice!

Hi, Holly.

Hi.

Can I give
you a hand?

Yeah. Thanks.

I'm over here.

Hey...

Petey.

Look, Leon.

It's Holly's
little friend.

Hey, knock it off or I'll...

Or you'll what?

Dittmeyer!

Do it and die.

I'm going to
get you, Brady.

A $20,000 advance?

I'd like to, Mike,

but we're still hurting
from the recession.

I only have three
developers coming
all this week.

Let me have a shot
at those projects, Mr. Phillips.

If I can sell
one of them my design

you could front me
the advance, right?

Sure, but...

How should I put this
delicately, Mike?

Your designs
are from another time.

That's kind of you to say,
Mr. Phillips.

I've always thought

of my style as "classic,"
as well.

I'll get right to work.

Well, Mr. Amir,
what do you think?

I love it.

But it's too...

interesting.

I want
something simple.

A couple
of self-serve pump

and a Slurpee machine.

Sorry.

It's only strike one,
Mr. Phillips.

I've still got
two more times at bat.

( whistling
a sprightly tune )

Cinderella,

dressed in yellow,

went to the ball

to kiss the fellow.

Hey, Heidi, go yodel
in your own yard, huh?

Okay, Mr. Dittmeyer.

Whoa!

Hey!

Hey,
little girl!

I got to get
something

out of my truck.

Don't let anybody

touch this wire.

Can you do that?
Of course.

Daddy, there's a Brady
in our yard!

I thought I told you

to stay

in your own yard.

Yes. But you see, Mr. Dittmeyer,
I'm simply standing here...

You know, the lisp thing
is really getting old.

So why don't you hop back
on the Swiss Miss package

where you belong, huh?

Okay.

Oh.

Don't forget your jump rope.

( screaming )

Ohh...

Try it
and you're Spam.

( whimpering )

Well, Mr. Brady,

did you hit
a home run today?

My design didn't even
make it to first base.

( sighs )

You know, maybe
we should think

about taking
Mr. Dittmeyer
up on his offer.

You're serious
about selling the house?

Carol, I designed
this house myself--

every color,
every brick,

every sheet
of Formica.

If I knew another
way out, I'd take it.

But where else are
we going to find

$20,000 by the end of the week?

Oh, no.

We're going to have
to sell our house.

* Clowns never laughed before

* Beanstalks
never grew *

* No one ever loved...

What is it, Cindy?

I'm busy writing
a song for Danielle.

I have to tell
you something.

Okay.

But I can't tell you,

'cause that
would be tattling.

Come on, Cindy.

If it's important,
it's not tattling.

I'm never
going to tell

that Mom and Dad
have to sell the house

because they owe

$20,000.

Oops.

And that's why
I called this meeting.

Greg, what are
we going to do?

Yeah. If we don't
raise $20,000
in one week,

we'll have to move.

And go to a
new school.

And make new friends.

But, Jan, you don't
have any friends.

Wait. We can
save the house.

We can raise
the money ourselves.

But how?

Well, we can
each get jobs
and earn extra money.

( voice cracking ):
Hey, neato idea.

Gee, there are
so many things I'm good at.

I wouldn't know
where to start.

( mimicking ):
Oh, I'm just so perfect
at so many things.

You're just jealous, Jan.

I'm going to make
some serious cash.

Oh, yeah? Well,
I bet I can make
more than you.

With what, shrimpo?

Your tooth fairy
money?

Who are you
calling "shrimpo"?

Hey, Mom always said

don't play ball
in the house.

( all arguing )

Hey, you guys,
stop fighting!

If we're going
to save this house
for Mom and Dad,

we've each
got to make

as much
as we can.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

MARCIA:
But, Jan, you don't
have any friends.

You're just jealous, Jan.

Jan! What are you doing?

Go back
to sleep, Cindy.

Jan, don't!

Marcia's hair is so beautiful.

Exactly. That's why

I'm going to get
a lot of money

when I sell it.

( laughing )

( screaming )

Jan,

what are you doing?

Oh, Marcia.

I love your hair.

Ooh! What
a groovy hairdo.

Oh, you're
so beautiful!

No! She's supposed

to look bad.

No! Nooooo!

( alarm ringing )

What a horrible dream.

( pretending to play )

Greg, have
you gone bananas?

No. I just found
a way to save our house.

I'm going
to become a rock star.

That's great, Greg,
but I need some advice

about something
really important.

See, Charlie asked
me to the dance

and I said yes.

Then Doug asked me,
and I said yes to him, too.

What am I going to do?

Well, you just tell the guy
you don't want to go with

that something
suddenly came up.

And that works?

Sure. Girls say it
to me all the time.

Hey, Marcia.

Oh, hi, Charlie.

I can't wait until
the dance Friday night.

Oh. Um...

about the dance, Charlie...

well, something
suddenly came up.

Oh.

Oh, well,
you know, that's okay.

Maybe some other time?

Sure.

Bye.

Bye.

Greg was right.

Well, that takes care
of that problem.

Let's see what's next.

Hmm.

* Clowns never laughed before

* Beanstalks
never grew... *

BOBBY:
"Attention!

"Missing school office supplies.

Reward offered."

Office supplies? I don't know
what you're talking about.

Yeah.
I heard it before.

You know,
I've got reward money

riding on this.

Now, spread 'em.

Oh, come on, Mrs. Whitfield!

You're going to have to do

better than that!

Boy, you sure have

some strong thigh muscles,
Mrs. Whitfield.

But I've been here
for hours!

Please! You
won't regret it!

I guarantee it!
Please.

Weren't you ever
a kid with a dream

of making something
of yourself?

( sighing )

( chuckling ):
"Clowns"?

"Beanstalks"?

What the hell is this?

This is a guaranteed
gold record!

* Clowns never
laughed before *

* And beanstalks...

No.

Look, what did you say

your name was again?

Bravo... Johnny Bravo.

Listen...

"Bravo..."

today's sound is raw,
with an edge.

Seattle... grunge...
garage bands...

Don't they have
beanstalks in Seattle?

( door slams )

Well, hey, there,
groovy chick.

Mmm... uh-uh.

Yeah. It went fabulous.

Put the head back on, Fletcher.

Listen, I am closing in
on the, uh...

on the Bradys, though.

( phone rings )

Can I call you back,
Mr. Feldman?

My car phone's ringing.

Hello.

WOMAN:
Hello. I'm calling
from a marketing firm.

We'd just like
a few minutes of your time...

Ow!

( groaning )

Do you ever use
pens and pencils?

I know you do...

Oh, hi, Mrs. Dittmeyer!

I'm here to see Eric.

Oh, hi, Greggie.

Oh, Greg...

I'm so glad
you're here.

I've got some more
of your mail.

( chuckling ):
Oh.

Oh, gee, your
hands are full.

Let me just...

My, you've...

gotten so big.

You're almost as big
as your daddy.

And I'm still growing.

Right... before
my very eyes.

Your pants are...
so tight.

Hey, Mrs.
Dittmeyer.

Peter!

Can I mow
your lawn?

I'm trying to earn
some extra money.

Sure.

( chuckling ):
Two Bradys...

Tell you what--
when you boys are done,

why don't you come inside
and help me make a sandwich?

Penny for your thoughts.

How about 20,000
of them?

You're worried about
the house, aren't you?

I told you I'd take care
of everything.

Oh, Mike, it's just that
we're so happy here.

I sure would miss
our kitchen

and our garden...

and Alice!

If we lose her,

who'll make the
lunches I pass out?

And who'll
answer the phone:

( imitating Alice ):
"Brady residence."

And who'll help me...

Honey, Alice isn't going
anywhere, and neither are we.

Besides, she doesn't do
everything around her.

Time to put your
bookmark in, Mr. Brady.

( snoring )

I sure am glad your mom
let you sleep over

on a school night.

Marcia, I have to
tell you something.

Hmm?

You are the prettiest girl
in the entire school.

I know.

But how can I use my good looks
and sparkling personality

to make money
and save our house?

That's it!

I could be a teen model!

Oh, thanks, Noreen!

You're the greatest!

Oh...

Noreen?

Hmm?

Is that you?

Oh! Oh, I'm sorry.

I thought that was
my leg.

Oh...

Night.

Sweet dreams, Marcia.

I still don't know why
you had to tag along.

This is my thing.

You're not the only one
who can be a model, you know.

Ooh... those are
pretty pictures.

What have you
modeled for?

Guess.

Um... are you
a Breck girl?

No. "Guess" jeans.

Okay, um...

Levis... Wrangler...

Oshkosh B'Gosh?

WOMAN:
Brady girls?

That's us.

So... you're
professional models?

Yes, we are!
Of course!

So, what do you
have to show me?

Plenty.

( exotic music playing )

( stops music )

Oh...

Why don't we
take five?

You.

Wow...

Thank you!

Why does everyone
always choose Marcia?!

What does she have
that I don't have?!

Now, Marcia, I may
be able to use you,

but first, you're
going to have to do

a little work on yourself.

You mean like walking
with a book on my head?

No. I mean like
cutting that mousy hair,

capping those teeth

and losing about 30 pounds,
my little sausage.

How do you feel about

breast implants?

Cut my hair?!

( sighing )

And, after much
consideration, Mr. Swanson,

I designed a structure
especially for your needs.

So, what do you think?

SWANSON:
Well, it's just
too good a design

for a fast food joint.

You see what I'm saying,
Phillips?

This is... I think you're
pumping a dry well here.

You understand
what I'm saying?

All right.

I'll be in touch with you.

Sorry, Mikey.

Well... strike two.

There's got to be a way
to make $20,000.

Hey!

"Search for the Stars
is looking

"for fresh young musical acts.

First prize: $20,000."

Hmm...

Too bad I'm not a musical act.

Hey, Marcia!

I'm not Marcia! I'm Jan!

The usual, Sam.

Sure thing, Mrs. Brady.

20 pounds of ground round
coming right up.

Carol, are you still
eating red meat?

Why, of course!
I've got growing kids!

I have to think
about their health!

Isn't Sam

the best?

We're sure going to miss
this place when we move,

won't we?

Oh, we're not moving.

You're not? I thought everyone
on the block was.

Mike says there's
no reason to sell.

We'll be here forever.

There you go, Mrs. Brady.

Thanks, Sam.

Have a nice day.

Bye, Sam.

Bye.

Marcia, could you call
the troops to dinner?

In a second.

I'm just checking
for a letter from Davy Jones.

Nothing.

Oh, Alice, if I don't get
an answer from him soon,

I'll be the most humiliated girl
in the world.

You think waiting three weeks
for an answer is rough?

Try waiting 20 years
for the question.

Alice.

Hey, Greg, you're
the Casanova
of Clinton Avenue.

How can I get Holly
to go for me?

Well, chicks
love compliments, man.

Just tell her
how groovy she is.

And that really works?

Trust me. It always
gets a reaction.

Now, throw me a pass.

24, 32, set, hike.

Dinner's ready... Ooh, my nose!

Are you all right?

Oh, gee,
I'm sorry, Marcia.

Yeah, me, too.

CAROL:
Let's have
a look, Marcia.

I look awful, just awful.

I can never show my face
in school again.

I'm ruined.

Sweetheart, I know
you feel terrible,

but it's going
to get better.

I'm sure no one
will ever notice.

Oh, my goodness.

What happened to your...?

mother's
favorite picture?

It's crooked.

I mean the painting's crooked.

I think
I'd better go.

I think I hear the nose boy.

I mean the newsboy.

Oh, boy, did I blow it.

Now I'll never be a teen model.

I'll never be anything.

What's the point of living?

I might as well die.

Don't forget my
$10 reward money.

I made more
than you--
almost $12.

Well, I got $15
from Mrs. Dittmeyer.

Boy, is she
a good tipper.

But we're still
nowhere near $20,000.

This is just awful.

You can say that again.

Tonight's the school dance

and my nose
still hasn't gone down.

Hey, I saw something

on the bulletin board at school

about a "Search
for the Stars" contest.

They're looking for fresh,

young musical groups.

First prize is exactly $20,000.

Oh, sure, Jan,
like we'd really win.

Oh, Jan...

We'd never have
a chance of winning.

We might as well
rob a bank.

Guys, there's no point
in fighting.

We're running out of time,
and we still have to find

a way out of this mess.

I sure am going
to miss this house.

Uh-oh.

Here comes Mom and Dad.

All right, now,
remember, everyone, act happy.

We can't let on

that we know anything.

( all laughing )

Mike, you don't think the kids
suspect anything, do you?

Oh, no, of course not.

Well, just to make sure,
we should act extra happy.

Well, you know
what makes us the happiest.

ALL:
Potato sack race!

ALICE:
Get ready...

get set...

go!

( all cheering )

So, what can
I do you for?

You can explain to me

what Mrs. Brady told my wife.

Yeah, if Mike Brady
won't sell,

we're all screwed.

Well, allow me
to take this opportunity

to set the record straight.

The Bradys are selling,
my clients are buying

and you are all making out
like bandits.

Scotch, Steve?
Are you calling
my wife a liar?

Steve, no.

I'm just saying
you can't believe the Bradys.

You've all seen the insane stuff
that goes on over there.

How about this
Astroturf lawn

they treat like
real grass, huh?

And, excuse me...

the family that's happy
all the time?

Not possible.

It is strange how they
spend their weekends--

hopping around
in potato sacks.

And you know
something?
Yeah.

I hear that their maid
works for free.

Can you understand that?

No.
I can't. No.

You know,
I was over there once.

One bathroom
for nine people?

Get out of here.
Oh, stop, please.

And I never did see
a toilet.

Please, they've got
to put it somewhere.

Come on.

I rest my case.

( doorbell rings )

Hi. I'm Doug Simpson.

Marcia's date?

Oh, right--
the big man on campus.

Come on in, Doug.

Marcia, Doug's here!

CAROL:
Hi, Doug.

Big man on campus, huh?

Yeah, right.

Hi, Doug.

Hi, Marcia.

Is anything wrong?

Sweetheart, I think
you better show him.

I suppose you don't want
to go out with me now, huh?

Oh, of course I do.

It's not your nose I'm after.

That's a fine boy

Marcia's got there.

Oh, Marcia,
it looks like rain.

You better take
your shawl.

Thanks.

Uh, Doug, how about you?

Do you have
any protection?

Oh, yes, ma'am.

Assorted colors
and textures.

Good for you.

MIKE:
Have fun, kids.

Bye-bye.

* Are you coming with me?

But, Doug, this isn't
the school dance.

I just figured
we'd come up here and
unwind a little bit

before we go down.

Mind if I change
the station?

( blowing )

Oh, it is windy tonight.

Maybe we should put
the top up.

I'll keep you warm, Marcia.

Uh...

Doug, your hand
is on my shoulder.

So?

Well, that's third base,
and I don't go that far.

Doug, I think I just felt
your tongue in my mouth.

That's called
a French kiss, Marcia.

I thought you were
from Nebraska.

I am.

Listen, Doug, I don't know
what you were thinking,

but I don't do things
like that.

You may live
your life one way,

but we Bradys
follow our own drummer.

So, I hope this doesn't sour
the rest of our date.

You Bradys suck!

Excuse me.

Oh, no, thank you.

I don't take rides
from strangers.

I was just wondering

how to get
to West Dale High School.

West Dale High?

* How do you do?

* Yeah

( rock music playing )

* So now I'm pissed off

* My head is a twist-off

* I never have been cute

* I need more money
'cause my life is crummy *

* And get that stuff
off my shoe *

* It is a cruel world,
I'm no schoolgirl *

* I never do what I should

* And they never know,
it's about to blow... *

Hey, you're
one groovy chick.

You're really happening
in a far-out way.

( laughing ):
Thanks.

( song continues in background)

( laughs )

( gasps )

( moans )

Peter!

Yeah!

( applause and cheering )

Excuse me.

Can I have your attention,
please?

You may all know me
as Greg Brady,

but tonight,
I'd like to introduce you to...

Johnny Bravo!

( plays out of tune chords )

For my first song,

I'd like to sing
a number I wrote

for the grooviest chick
at West Dale High.

( people screaming )

One, two

three, four...

* Clowns never laughed before

* Beanstalks never grew

* Ponies never ran before

( punk music drowning out song)

Ah-ha-ha-ha!

* Does it scare you

* When you see me
lose my mind... *

( gasps )

* I go crazy...

Hi, everybody.

It's the new Jan Brady.

Am I a hit?

Do you like it?

( yelling )

( music stops )

Hmm.

Wow. It worked.

I really did make a splash.

Can I have your attention,
please?

I have some news

that's going to make
everyone flip.

Hey... what about me?

I thought
he might show up,

but I didn't want
to get all your hopes up.

Marcia did it again.

Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!

But here he is--

Davy Jones!

( one person clapping )

BOY:
Hey, Grandpa...

GIRL:
Oh, man!

Thanks a lot for
being here, Davy...

I mean, Mr. Jones.

Anything for my
number-one fan.

( cooing and gasping )

( pop music piano introduction)

* Girl

* Look what you've done to me

Look, it really is Davy Jones!

* Me

* And my whole world

* Girl

* You've brought

* The sun to me

* With your smile

* You did it, girl

( loud rock music joining in)

* I'm telling you, girl

* Something not

* Known to me

* Makes

* You what you are...

Hi, Charlie.

Hey, Marcia.

It was rude of me
to break our date.

How can I make
it up to you?

Well, uh... gee, Marcia,
how about a dance?

Why, I'd love to,
Charlie Anderson.

* ...that way, girl

* Thank you, girl

* For making
the morning brighter *

* Girl

* For making
the nighttime nicer *

* Girl

* For making a better world

* For me

* I'm telling you, girl

* Something unknown to me

* Makes

* You what you are

* And what you are

* Is all that I want for me

* And it's good

* To feel that way, girl

* Thank you, girl

* For making the winter warmer

* Girl

* For making the music softer

* Girl

* For making a better world
for me *

( shrieking guitar riff )

* And what you are

* Is all that I want for me

* And it's good

* To feel that way, girl

( moaning and shrieking )

* Thank you, girl

* Thank you, girl

* Thank you, girl...

( cheering )

( wild cheering and applause)

Hey, where are you going?

Something suddenly came up.

Hey, Marcia,
you looked great up there.

Thanks, Noreen.

Hey, Marcia,
you got a sec?

Forget it, Doug.

Even with a swollen nose,

I can still smell a rat.

Slut.

Um... Marcia, would
you get our coats.

I have a little, uh...
matter to discuss.

Sure, Charlie.

Hey...

I heard what
you said, Doug...

and I'm not going
to let you talk
to Marcia like that.

Yeah?

Yeah.
Well, what
are you going

to do about it, geek?

I-I'm going to... lose...

consciousness.
Hey, Doug.

How's about

a little punch?

Is he dead?

Wow.

Charlie, thanks.

Couldn't have
done it better myself.

Here.

Are you okay?

I really had
a great time, Marcia.

Yeah, me, too, Charlie.

Well, uh...

Bye. Bye.

Uh, Marcia?

So, um... can, uh...

can I have a kiss
good night?

Yeah.

Okay, Charlie.

Marcia...

I think I just felt
your tongue in my mouth.

It's called a French kiss,
Charlie.

Um... Marcia, I got to go.

Uh, something
suddenly came up.

( car pulling away )

BOY:
32, 24, hike.

Dinner's ready.

Oh, my nose!

( sighing )

What a nice dream.

( screams )

Jan, what is it?

Has my nose gotten worse?

No. It's better.

( gasps )

The hardest thing
about the health club business

is getting people
to leave their house.

Well... what do you think?

I love it.

( speaking Japanese )

Consider yourself hired.

( bat hits ball )

( stadium crowd cheers )

Uh-huh.

You would?

I see.

Ahh.

All right.

( growls )

Mom, Dad?

Hey, why the gloom?

Well, we just had
a kid meeting

and, well, we decided

that we don't mind
if we have to move.

We tried

to raise the money for
the tax bill ourselves,

but there are only
two days left

and all we
could come up
with was $110.

What?

How did you know
about the house

and the tax bill?

Oops!

Cindy, do I have
to remind you

that when you tattle
on somebody,

you're not just telling on them,
you're telling on yourself

and...

ALL:
Telling them
that you're a tattletale.

We've heard
it, Dad. Thanks.

Kids, you have nothing
to worry about.

Today your father
sold a design

and now he can get
that $20,000 advance.

( all exclaim )

I appreciate
what you all tried to do

and from now on,
no more secrets.

The important thing is

we still have our home

so, let's celebrate.

Put on
your Sunday best, kids.

We're going to Sears.

( all exclaiming )

* I think I'll go for a walk
outside now *

* The summer sun's
calling my name *

* I hear ya now *

* I just can't stay inside
all day *

* I gotta get out,
get me some of those rays *

* Everybody's smilin' *

* Sunshine day *

* Everybody
seems so happy today *

* It's a sunshine day *

* I think I'll go for a walk
outside now *

* The summer sun
knows me by name *

* He's a-calling me... *

Hey, everybody,
look at Alice.

Outtasight.

Neato.

And I thought
Sam had magic fingers.

( all laugh )

ALL:
Oh, Alice.

( all laughing )

Hey, everybody, look.

Come on, gang,
let's have a look.

* I think I'll take
a walk every day now *

I'm on TV.

* The summer sun's
shown me the way *

* To be happy now *

* I just can't stay inside
all day *

* I gotta get out,
get me some of those rays...*

GIRL:
Oh, my God...

Tori Spelling
is here

autographing
her new perfume!

( girls screaming )

* I think I'll go for a walk
outside now *

* The summer sun's
calling my name *

* I hear ya now *

* I gotta get out,
get me some of those rays *

* Everybody's smilin' *

* Sunshine day *

* Everybody's laughin'... *

LARRY:
Bill.

Brady.

Occupant.

Bill.

Brady...

"Joint consolidated tax bill:
Final notice."

"Dear Mr. Brady...

"due to your failure to pay...

house will be auctioned
2:00 p.m. tomorrow..."

$20,000.

Dina?

Dina...

this is the greatest
day of our lives.

Did the kids run away?

No. We are rich.

We are going to be filthy,
stinking, disgustingly rich.

Larry?

Yeah?

Get me my ice mask.

Forget your ice mask.

We're going to be so rich

you can hire an Eskimo
to sit on your face.

( knocking )

It's open.

Of course it is.

( chuckles )

Morning.

Morning, Larry.

If you're here

about the offer,
the answer's still no.

I haven't changed my mind.

No need for that.

I know
you won't be selling this house

because, after the auction
tomorrow at 2:00, I'll own it.

Well, I don't think
there'll be any auction.

What?

Well, luckily,
I just sold one of my designs,

so it looks like
the Bradys are here to stay.

So,
which firm was lucky enough

to snag one of your designs,
Mike?

LARRY:
And, of course

if you ever need
a property

for one of your
health clubs

I'm your man.

Oh, thank you.

Well, well.
What have we here?

This is one
of our new gyms

that we're constructing.

We are negotiating to buy
the design right now.

Really?
Who's your architect?

A very talented fellow--

name of Brady.

I guess you won't be breaking
ground until after he dries out.

Dries out?

I really shouldn't
say anything.

Guy's been
through a lot lately,

what with the charges filed
against him and everything.

Charges?

Criminal negligence.

A building he designed
completely collapsed.

Old folks home,
Christmas day.

All those cute, little
visiting grandchildren...

some with puppies.

Let's take a moment
to honor their memory, shall we?

( square-dance music playing)

( all cheering )

( phone rings )

I'll get it.

Brady residence.

You did? I see.

When?

Uh-huh.

They did?

Why not?

Uh-huh... oh.

Yeah?

Right.

Well...

bye.

Bad news, I'm afraid.

Oh, Mike. What?

The Flex factory pulled out
of the project this morning.

They're not going
with my design.

Oh, Mike. Why?

Well, they wouldn't say.

I guess this
means it's over.

Unless a miracle happens
by 2:00 tomorrow,

the county is going
to auction our house.

Oh, Mike. How?

Kids, I'm afraid
the money

that we were counting on
is no longer a possibility.

But I want you
to remember

that no matter
where we go,

or whatever
house we're in,

we'll be fine as long
as we're together,

so I don't want to see
any more frowns.

We're Bradys.

And as a wise
man once said:

"Wherever you go,
there you are."

I never thought of it
that way, Dad.

MARCIA:
Thanks, Dad.

Boy, this is crummy.

Well, there must be
some way out of this mess.

Everybody think.

Hey, I've got it.

We can enter that
"Search for the Stars" contest.

First prize

is exactly $20,000.

Hey, that's a nifty idea,
Marcia.

Great idea, Marcia.

Good idea, Marcia.

Am I invisible?

Do I not
have a voice?

I had that idea two days ago.

Stop being so selfish, Jan.

Come on, Jan.

Oh, Jan.

Jan.
Jan.

Come on, you
guys, we got

a big day ahead of us.

We better get some rest
if we're going to be

a fresh, young
musical group.

It was my idea. Mine.

Didn't anybody hear me?

GIRL:
I heard you.

GIRL 2:
Me, too,

but it sounded better
coming from Marcia.

( chuckles )

Sam, that was the juiciest
Meat Cutters' Ball

I've ever been to.

I'm cooked.

Alice, I want you to
stick out your hand

and close your eyes.

I got a surprise for you.

Unless it fits on my finger,
I've got to hit the sack.

It better fit,

or I'm going to have
to take it back.

Sam, I thought this day

would never come.

When I saw it,

I thought
it was right up your alley.

I'm bowled over.

( chuckles )

I always thought
our grandchildren

would come visit us
in this house.

Oh, Mike.

You know,
this is going to be

our last night
in this bedroom.

Why, Grandpa Brady.

( Carol chuckling softly )

Jan,

where are you going?

Someplace where I can be
appreciated.

Go ahead and snitch if you want.

Just give me a head start.

I wouldn't snitch.

But how will we sing
without you?

Why don't you ask Marcia?

Maybe she has
another brilliant idea.

( door shuts )

Mom? Dad?

( clearing throats )

Uh... what is it,
Cindy?

If you know something,

but you don't want
to be a tattle,

but it's very important
that you tell someone...

Cindy, let's talk about
it tomorrow.

But Jan could be dead by then!

What?!

Oops!

Why would Jan run
away like this?

Maybe we were
thinking too much
about our problems

and not enough
about the kids.

Did anyone
say anything

that would make
Jan run away?

Nothing more than
what we usually
say to her.

KIDS:
Yeah.

I'll get Alice.

Oh.

Hi, folks.

Sam,

what are you
doing here?

Oh, I was just, um,
delivering some meat.

Well, it's a good thing
you're here.

Jan ran away,
and we need
you and Alice

to help
find her.

We'll circle
the block.

You check the school.

Come on, gang,
let's go.

Let's go.

Come on,
everybody,
hurry up.

Come on.

Come on, Cindy.

I call
the way back.

I got
the backseat.

What happened?
Did an animal die on your head?

( chuckling )

Hey, lose the hat.

You'll be okay.

MIKE:
Keep your eyes peeled,
everybody.

Breaker, one-nine,
breaker, one-nine,

this is Christmas Carol.

Honey, no one's answered us
in years.

Oh, Mike, I have to try.

Breaker, one-nine,
do you read me?

Anyone out there?

I need a 20 on a little girl.

Blond, blue-eyed,
answers to the name of Jan.

Tell her...

Mother Hen and Father Goose
love her very much.

Come after me
if you're out there, over.

Huh. Sounds like
some family

misses somebody
they love very much.

I don't have a family.

Oh, no family.

You know, sometimes

I'm driving the
graveyard shift

in the middle
of nowhere,

I can't help thinking
what might have been

if I'd taken a
different road--

married young,
had a family--

three boys,
three girls.

Oh, then a little voice says,
"Are you kidding?

They'd probably just treat you
like a maid."

Do you want some of this, Jan?

No, thanks.

You have a little voice, too?

Mmm. Oh, honey, when you're
on the road as long as I am,

you got to talk to somebody.

That's a trick I
learned growing up.

It's tough being a middle child.

You're a middle child.

So am I.

Then you know what it feels like

not being special.

What does she mean,
"I'm not special?"

Hey, she's just trying to help.

My family's not much.

No kids, though we do have
a lot of livestock.

( hoarse rasp ):
Jan! Oh, Jan!

Don't listen to her!

In this day and age,
if you're lucky enough...

Who is that?

( hoarse rasp ):
It's me-- the new Jan Brady.

Let's knock over a 7-Eleven.

Stop! You're scaring me!

Me, too.
Me, too!

Mom? Dad?

Hi. I'm back.

Marcia? Cindy?

Are you up there?

Greg? Peter? Bobby?

Alice?

Sam?

( radio static )

Christmas Carol, this is
Schultzy, come back to me.

Schultzy! Th-this
is Christmas Carol.

I got a 20 on a little girl.

Blue eyes, blonde hair,
answers to the name of Jan.

( all exclaiming )

I just dropped her off
at 4222 Clinton Way.

Thank you, Schultzy,
thank you

and God bless!

Over.

That's a big ten-four.

( air horn blowing )

( chuckling )

Jan?

Jan, are you here?

Mom? Dad?

Oh, honey!

Oh, honey!

Oh, sweetheart.

I'm so glad
you're safe!

Oh, honey,

what on earth
made you run away?

I thought no one wanted me here
anymore,

but when I was out
in the real world,

I realized
that I wanted me to be here.

You're all a part of me

and I'm
a part of you,

and there's no escaping that...

but it makes me feel
really special.

I couldn't
have put it

better myself, Jan,
but I'll try anyway.

See, I've always believed

that it doesn't matter
where your home is,

because home
is where your heart is,

and we may lose
this house,

but we'll always
have our family

because
we're Bradys,

and this family is our home.

That's why we'll
always have our home.

As long as we have our family,

even if we lose our house,
we're still Bradys.

Your father's right.

( all talking at once )
Oh, yeah,
absolutely, Dad.

MARCIA:
Maybe we can still

save the house.

How about Jan's idea

of the "Search for
the Stars" contest?

Jan's idea?

Yes, it was Jan's,

and it's
a really great plan.

CAROL:
What's "Search
for the Stars?"

It's a contest

for the best
musical group,

and there's a first prize
of $20,000.

And singing
one of Greg's songs,

we're sure to win.

Well, then, you're going to have
to sing it without me.

Huh?
What?
Why?

I thought I could change my name
and my personality

and become
some big, flashy rock star,

but I was just kidding myself.

Nobody liked my act.

I guess
I just don't have what it takes.

Well, let's face it,

Johnny Bravo's nothing but...

Johnny Rotten.

You're right,
son.

Johnny Bravo doesn't have
what it takes...

but Greg Brady does.

He has us,

and this family
can accomplish anything.

Alone, we can only move buckets,
but if we work together,

we can drain rivers.

Your father's
right.

The eight of us
separate

are just eight...

well, with Alice, we're nine,
but nine...

Yes, well, technically...

And with Sam, ten,

but ten separate,
just ten.

Together...

we're a Bunch.

KIDS:
Yeah. The Brady Bunch.

What do you say,
Greg?

Please?

Well, what are we waiting for?

Grab some costumes.

We've got to make that contest!

Okay!
All right!

* We are blood

* We don't vote

* We are standing all alone

* At the beginning

* Of the end

* We are phlegm

* We are phlegm.

I'm so nervous.

Why am I so nervous?

Stop it.
You're making me nervous.

( spitoon clanks )

All right, let's have
a big hand for Phlegm.

Yay!

You sounded hot.

What, are you--
completely brain-dead?

Leon missed
an entire riff.

Didn't you hear it?

I liked it.

You're such a loser.

Hey, Eric.

I'm sick and tired

of seeing you treat
Holly that way.

In fact...

I'm sick and tired
of you altogether.

You're nothing but a...

a big bully.

( chuckling )

You're dog meat, Brady.

( voice breaking ):
Do it... and die, Eric.

( falsetto ):
Ohh!

Ohh!

Oh.

JAN:
Hurry, Peter.

We're on.

Thanks, Peter.

I think you're
really... neato.

M.C.:
Oh, yes.
I hope everybody's having

a good time.

( deep voice: )
Why, uh... thank you, Holly.

I think you're... Ginger
and Mary Ann combined.

Come on, Peter.
That's us.

See ya.

Good luck.

( Eric moaning )

( guitar solo playing )

* Flying down the highway
in our makeshift Model T.A. *

* Ooh

* Yeah

* Ooh

* It's a beautiful morning

* And it's gonna be
a beautiful day *

* The wheels are humming
and the guitar's strumming *

* And the radio is blasting
and good times are coming *

* As we're flying down
the highway *

* In our makeshift Model T.A.

* We're gonna keep on,
keep on, keep on *

* Keep on dancing
all through the night *

* We're gonna keep on, keep on,
keep on doing it right *

* We're gonna keep on,
keep on, keep on moving *

* Gonna keep on, keep on,
keep on grooving *

* Keep on singing and dancing
all through the night *

( singing as Elvis ):
* You can hear the music

* More than 26 miles away

* Ooh, yeah

* Ooh

* Your smile is heaven

* And heaven is here to stay

* Yeah

* We're gonna keep on, keep on

* Keep on, keep on dancing
all through the night *

* We're gonna keep on, keep on,
keep on doing it right *

* We're gonna keep on, keep on,
keep on moving *

* Gonna keep on, keep on,
keep on grooving *

* Keep on singing

* And dancing
all through the night *

* We're gonna keep on, keep on

* Keep on, keep on dancing
all through the night *

* We're gonna keep on, keep on,
keep on doing it right *

* We're gonna keep on, keep on,
keep on moving *

* Gonna keep on, keep on...

( both squealing )

Thank you, Brady Bunch.

You were great.

Great.

Give the rest
of our contestants a big hand

as our judges

tally up the scores.

Thank you.

And I have it right here.

The winner
of the Search

for the Stars
$20,000 grand prize is...

the Brady Bunch?

( cheering )

( scattered applause )

Hey, great job.
Thanks.

They what?!

How could those losers
win anything?

Look, Eric,
you got to stall them for me.

What do you mean,
what's in it for you?

All right,
you have my permission

to pierce anything you want.

Just keep them
from getting here.

Damn kid.

Come on.

Well, here it is.

A check made out
to the Brady Bunch

for $20,000.

Come on, gang, let's go.
Hurry!

All right, everybody.

Let's hear it
for them Bradys.

They were something else.

Thanks for coming down.

I hope you had a good time
and we'll see you...

Come on, come on.

Let's go, troops!

Come on! Hurry up!

( girls clamoring )

Hey, there,
groovy chicks.

You're all happening
in far out ways.

Greg, hurry.
The house.

Now, how do you suppose
that happened?

Oh, Mike.
What are we going to do?

( car alarm blaring )

Hey, Marcia, look.
It's our friend, Eddie.

You remember.

The guy who needed
a car jack.

Come on, everybody.
He can give us a lift.

GREG:
Hey, Eddie!

Oh, no.

Can you give us a ride?

A ride?

Good afternoon.

Having trouble

with the car alarm?

No. It's not our car.

It's our friend Eddie's.

Oh, really?

Where are the keys, Eddie?

I lost them.

Oh, no.

But we were counting on you
to give us a ride to our house.

I'll run the plate.

BOBBY:
Uh, excuse me,
Officer

but I'd hate to ask
a law enforcement official

to bend the rules...

especially for
penal code 117

section 33-B,

but our house is at stake.

( clamoring )

Please?

2:00. Auction time.

It's exciting,
isn't it, Alice?

By the power
authorized me

by the county of Los Angeles,

I hereby offer this property
to the highest bidder,

unless the owner redeems...

Come on, come on, come on.

Okay, I'll start

the bidding at the sum total
of back taxes: $20,000.

Do I have any takers?

Say... I've got $20,000.

( sirens blaring )

MIKE:
Stop the auction!

We have the money
for the tax bill.

I repeat,

stop the auction.

We have the money
for the tax bill.

The house is still ours.

Come on, kids.

Hold everything.

Good news, everybody.

The Bradys are here to stay.

You lied to us,
Dittmeyer.

The Bradys
aren't selling.

I knew it!

You guaranteed us!

You ruined us,
Dittmeyer.

You're going to pay
for this.

MIKE:
Now, hold on, people.

Wait a minute.

The man you should
be angry with

is me, 'cause our house
is more important than money.

This neighborhood
is more important
than money.

Tell me, how many times

have we borrowed
each other's power tools

or patched up
each other's kids?

We know so much
about each other.

I know that every January,
Mr. Yeager's going to have

that big Super Bowl party
at his house.

Yeah.

We know every spring
Mrs. Simmons

is going to have the prettiest
daffodils on the block.

They are beautiful.
They are lovely flowers.

We know that at 10:15
every Saturday morning,

Mrs. Topping likes to walk

through her
living room naked.

( laughing )

You knew about that?

Call me
old-fashioned,

but these things
are important

and they're not for sale.

This is our neighborhood...

and we're staying.

Now, this is going
to sound crazy...

but Brady's right.

We're never
going to find

another neighborhood
like this.

And we'll never find neighbors
like the Bradys.

We're staying, too.

Us, too.

BOTH:
So are we.

We will, too.

Great.

Gosh, I wish I lived here.

I mean, it's...
it's incredible.

You people are
all staying...

because one family
is willing to stand up

for what they believe in?

Well... that and
the huge settlement

we're going to get after
we sue Dittmeyer's ass.

Oh, Mike.

I always knew
you could hit a grand slam

and now we can stay
in our house after all.

Hey, do you know who'd
love to hear about this?

KIDS:
Grandma!

Hey.

( clamoring )

Hi, everybody.

Wait a minute.

Look, how pretty
you have gotten.

Oh, those clothes.

Oh, what taste.

And that smile...

Oh, Marcia,
you are such a beauty.

Everyone loves Marcia.

No one loves you.

( raspy voice ):
Watch my head spin.

Kill, kill, kill!

No, stop it!

I can't take it anymore!

( voice laughing )

Aw, shut up, you loser!

Jan!

Cut the crap.

( voice laughing )

( laughing stops )

They're gone.

Thank you, Grandma.

Oh, there.

Cindy.

Oh, Cindy.

Why does Jan get
all the attention?

Yeah. It's always
Jan, Jan, Jan.

( electric guitar
playing theme song )

* The Brady Bunch

* The Brady Bunch

* That's the way we became
the Brady Bunch. *

* I remember someone said

* Even when we lose,
we win *

* Well, we must
be winning now *

* Cause it's got
that losing feeling *
* Mom always said

* Don't throw the ball
in the house *

* I only wish that I had known

* Maybe I would
not have broken *

* Every single thing I own

* Just wait for fate to change
the life that you hate *

* Down to your DNA

* Just wait for fate to change
the life that you hate *

* And get out of our way

* Have a nice day

* You know your father
is right *

* And he's always going to be

* Well, that makes me
feel so great *

* Cause I just
love being angry *

* Just wait for fate to change
the life that you hate *

* Down to your DNA

* Just wait for fate to change
the life that you hate *

* And get out of our way

* Have a nice day

( guitar solo )

Captioning sponsored by
PARAMOUNT PICTURES

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org