Original subtitles

>> THE USE OF ILLEGAL FIREWORKS APPEARS TO BE SKYROCKETING IN

AMERICA, AND IT'S NOT CLEAR WHY.

COMPLAINTS ARE SOARING, TOO, DURING A TIME WHEN MANY PEOPLE

ARE ALREADY ON EDGE DUE TO THE PANDEMIC.

>> HEY THERE, IT'S ME, A DOG, HERE TO TALK ABOUT OUR LEAST

FAVORITE PART OF SUMMER -- TERRIFYING SKY FIRE.

ONE DAY A YEAR, HUMANS DRESS UP IN THE COLORS OF THE AMERICAN

FLAG -- GREY, WHITE, AND OTHER GREY -- DRINK CRAZY JUICE AND

BLOW UP THEIR LOUD, ANGRY FLOWERS, MAKING US COWER AND

POOP ON YOUR PILLOW.

BUT THIS SUMMER, INSTEAD OF ONE DAY, TERRIFYING SKY FIRES EVERY

DAY.

BECOME TRAPPED AN UNBREAKABLE CYCLE -- OUTSIDE TO PEE, THE

SAME FOOD IN THE SAME BOWL, MY OWNER ALWAYS AT HOME IN THE SAME

CLOTHES.

AND THEN, LIKE CLOCKWORK, EVEN THOUGH I DON'T KNOW HOW CLOCKS

WORK, THE SAME TERRIFYING SKY FIRE.

IS THERE NO WAY TO DISTRACT MYSELF FROM THIS ENDLESS LOOP OF

SKY FIRE AND SWEAT PANTS?

I GOT IT!

♪ ♪

♪ >> OH, YEAH, THEY'RE DEFINITELY

NOT ALLOWED TO BE UP ON THAT BED.

>> Announcer: IT'S "A LATE SHOW" WITH STEPHEN COLBERT!

TONIGHT, CURVE YOUR ENTHUSIASM.

PLUS STEPHEN WELCOMES IBRAM X.

KENDI AND PATTON OSWALT, FEATURING JON BATISTE AND "STAY

HOMIN."

AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM A SAFE DISTANCE, IT'S STEPHEN

COLBERT!

>> Stephen: ARE YOU GOING TO BE GLAD WHEN WE DON'T DO THIS

ANYMORE OR ARE YOU GOING TO MISS IT?

>> Stephen: I'M GOING TO MISS IT, TOO.

IT'S BEEN LOVELY.

WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW.

I'M STEPHEN COLBERT.

HEY, REMEMBER WHEN THE CORONAVIRUS WAS MAGICALLY GOING

TO DISAPPEAR IN APRIL?

WELL, IT'S JUNE 25, AND YESTERDAY NEW CORONAVIRUS CASES

IN THE U.S. SOARED TO THEIR HIGHEST SINGLE-DAY TOTAL.

NO!

NO!

WE CAN'T GO BACKWARDS.

IT'S BEEN SUCH A LONG JOURNEY.

THIS IS LIKE IF FRODO WENT ALL THE WAY TO MOUNT DOOM, WAS ABOUT

TO THROW THE RING IN, AND THEN THIS HAPPENED:

>> DESTROY IT!

>> I'M GETTING A HAIR CUT!

>> NOOOOOO!

>> Stephen: THAT STILL GETS ME ( WHISPERING )

OK, WELL LET'S STAY POSITIVE, MAYBE THE U.S. CURVE ISN'T SO

BAA- AAAA OH GOD!

OH GOD!

HOW IS TRUMP NOT MORE ALARMED BY THIS?

IT'S A RAMP FROM HELL.

( CRASHING MUSIC, CAT MEOW ) THESE NUMBERS ARE BAD ANY WAY

YOU LOOK AT THEM.

THAT IS, UNLESS YOU'RE LOOKING THROUGH THE EYES OF VICE

PRESIDENT AND STATUE OF INTOLERANCE THE PROTESTERS

MISSED, MIKE PENCE.

YESTERDAY, PENCE MET WITH G.O.P.

SENATORS CONCERNED ABOUT THE RISING COVID CASES AND HE URGED

THEM TO FOCUS ON "ENCOURAGING SIGNS."

YEAH, 2.4 MILLION INFECTED AMERICANS!

DON'T LOOK AT THE GLASS AS HALF EMPTY.

LOOK AT YOUR LUNGS AS HALF FULL.

PENCE POINTED OUT THAT WHILE INFECTIONS ARE RISING, THE

MORTALITY RATE IS NOT, AND YOUNGER AND HEALTHIER PEOPLE NOW

ACCOUNT FOR LARGER SHARES OF THOSE GETTING TESTED.

BUT THE YOUNG PEOPLE ARE THE ONES WHO GIVE IT TO THE OLD

PEOPLE!

THAT'S LIKE SAYING, "PHEW I'M IN THE CLEAR. TURNS OUT ONLY

MY GIRLFRIEND HAS CHLAMYDIA.

NOW TO CELEBRATE, LET'S LOSE THIS CONDOM!"

THERE YOU GO.

WHILE CASES IN OTHER PARTS OF THE COUNTRY ARE RISING, NEW

YORK, NEW JERSEY AND CONNECTICUT ARE FORCING ANYONE COMING FROM

STATES WITH HIGH INFECTION RATES TO SELF QUARANTINE FOR TWO

WEEKS.

BUT DONALD TRUMP DOESN'T CARE.

HE PLANS ON PLAYING GOLF IN BEDMINSTER, NEW JERSEY THIS

WEEKEND, BUT HE'S NOT GOING TO SELF QUARANTINE BECAUSE, AS A

WHITE HOUSE OFFICIAL EXPLAINED "THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED

STATES IS NOT A CIVILIAN."

OK, THAT'S DEBATABLE.

THERE'S A GOOD REASON WE CALL THE CHIEF EXECUTIVE "MR.

PRESIDENT," NOT "BURGER KING."

AND EVEN IF HE'S NOT A CIVILIAN, I'M PRETTY SURE HE IS A MORTAL.

HE CAN STILL GET IT AND SPREAD IT.

AND, "DOZENS OF SECRET SERVICE OFFICERS AND AGENTS WHO WERE ON

SITE IN TULSA LAST WEEK WERE ORDERED TO SELF-QUARANTINE.

NOW TO PROTECT THE PRESIDENT, THEY

HAVE TO STAY AS FAR AWAY FROM HIM AS POSSIBLE.

GET READY FOR THE NEW CLINT EASTWOOD FILM

"IN THE LINE OF VIRUS".

THE OBVIOUS WAY TO SLOW DOWN INFECTIONS IS BY WEARING A MASK.

BUT UNFORTUNATELY, PUTTING A PIECE OF CLOTH ON YOUR FACE HAS

BECOME A CULTURE WAR, THANKS ALMOST ENTIRELY TO OUR PRESIDENT

"MASKS ARE A DOUBLE-EDGED SWORD.

PEOPLE TOUCH THEM.

AND THEY GRAB THEM AND I SEE IT ALL THE TIME.

THEY COME IN, THEY TAKE THE MASK.

NOW THEY'RE HOLDING IT NOW IN THEIR FINGERS.

AND THEY DROP IT ON THE DESK AND THEN THEY TOUCH THEIR EYE AND

THEY TOUCH THEIR NOSE.

NO, I THINK A MASK IS A - IT'S A DOUBLE-EDGED SWORD."

(AS TRUMP) "I FEEL THE SAME WAY ABOUT

PARACHUTES.

DOUBLE-EDGED SWORD.

SURE, THEY'LL STOP YOU FROM HURTLING TOWARDS THE EARTH AT

TERMINAL VELOCITY, BUT NOW YOUR LITTLE BACKPACK IS FULL OF

PARACHUTE.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING TO PUT YOUR SANDWICH?

YOU'RE GOING TO BE HUNGRY THE WHOLE WAY DOWN.

I BLAME GRAVITY.

WHICH PULLS YOU TOWARD WHERE?

CHINA."

SO NOW YOU'RE A LIBERAL SNOWFLAKE IF YOU DON'T WANT TO

DIE.

AND ALL ACROSS THE COUNTRY, PEOPLE ARE REACTING TO PROPOSED

MASK REQUIREMENTS LIKE THIS GUY AT A TOWN MEETING IN PALM BEACH,

FLORIDA.

>> LEMY NAME IS BUTCH AND I'M AN AMERICAN PATRIOT.

SEE THAT FLAG?

I WOULD DIE FOR THAT FLAG.

THE CONSTITUTION THAT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO UPHOLD, I WOULD DIE

FOR THAT!

I WOULD DIE FOR THAT COUNTRY!

I WOULD DIE FOR THE CONSTITUTION!

>> Stephen: WELL, CONGRATULATIONS.

IF YOU DON'T WEAR A MASK YOU HAVE A GOOD SHOT AT IT.

>> I DON'T WEAR A MASK FOR THE SAME REASON I DON'T WEAR

UNDERWEAR.

THINGS GOT TO BREATHE.

>> STEPHEN: OH, DROP THE MIC!

AND BEFORE YOU SIT, LAY DOWN A TOWEL.

WHICH REMINDS ME, LADIES, PLEASE, IF YOUR VAGINA IS GOING

TO COUGH, DO IT INTO YOUR ELBOW.

AND THE ANTI-MASK WARRIORS HAVE NOW TAKEN IT TO TRULY INSIDIOUS

EXTREMES.

SOME ARE NOW HANDING OUT THESE FAKE MASK EXEMPTION CARDS, THAT

LOOK SORT OF OFFICIAL.

IT EVEN CO-OPTS LANGUAGE FROM THE AMERICANS WITH DISABILITIES

ACT, SAYING, "I AM NOT REQUIRED TO DISCLOSE MY CONDITION."

ADDING, "BUT IN CASE YOU'RE WONDERING, MY CONDITION IS THAT

I'M A HUGE A-HOLE."

THIS CARD IS BEING SPREAD BY A GROUP CALLED THE FREEDOM TO

BREATHE AGENCY, WHOSE WEBSITE SAYS MASKS ARE JUST A

"PSYCHOLOGICAL ANCHOR FOR SUPPRESSION, ENSLAVEMENT AND

COGNITIVE OBEDIENCE."

ADDING, "HOW LONG BEFORE YOUR HUMAN FARMERS TRICK YOU INTO

BELIEVING THAT IT IS BETTER YOU STOP BREATHING ALTOGETHER, TO

STOP THE SPREAD OF A VIRUS?" FIRST OF ALL, YOUR HUMAN FARMERS

DON'T WANT YOU TO STOP BREATHING.

THAT'S JUST BAD FARMING.

SECOND OF ALL, IF THERE WERE HUMAN FARMERS, THEY WOULDN'T

MAKE US WEAR MASKS.

THEY'D FEED US FATTY FOODS AND HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP AND

ENCOURAGE US TO STAY SEDENTARY SO WE'RE WELL-MARBLED-- AAAAND,

OH MY GOD WE'RE BEING FARMED!

NETFLIX IS A COOKBOOK!

SALT FAT ACID HEAT!

THE REPUBLICAN CONVENTION ISN'T UNTIL AUGUST, BUT TRUMP ISN'T

WAITING TO SPREAD HIS MESSAGE OF "SPREADING THE VIRUS."

BECAUSE WE JUST FOUND OUT YESTERDAY THAT TRUMP IS

HEADLINING FOURTH OF JULY FIREWORKS AT MOUNT RUSHMORE.

SO, TO BE SAFE, THE GUYS WILL BE SOCIAL DISTANCING.

THE DANGER AT THIS EVENT IS MORE THAN JUST COVID.

MOUNT RUSHMORE HAS BANNED FIREWORKS FOR THE PAST DECADE

BECAUSE OF CONCERNS ABOUT PUBLIC HEALTH, ENVIRONMENTAL AND SAFETY

RISKS.

HEALTH, ENVIRONMENT, AND SAFETY.

SO EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE UNLESS YOU'RE A PERSON, PLACE,

OR THING.

IN NOT-CARVED-OUT-OF-A-MOUNTAIN STATUE NEWS, RECENTLY,

PROTESTORS HAVE BEEN TEARING DOWN STATUES OF PEOPLE WHO

FOUGHT THE UNITED STATES TO PRESERVE SLAVERY.

THAT STATUE YOU JUST SAW COME DOWN WAS OF CONFEDERATE GENERAL

AND SARUMAN THE WHITE SUPREMACIST, ALBERT PIKE.

PROTESTERS IN WASHINGTON D.C.

RIPPED THE PIKE STATUE DOWN LAST FRIDAY, AND THEN, FOR GOOD

MEASURE, LIT IT ON FIRE.

AW, I BET THEY MADE S'MORES!

BECAUSE YOU KNOW IT JUST MADE THEM WANT TO PULL DOWN S'MORE

STATUES.

♪ ♪

♪ >> MARSHMALLOW, CHOCOLATE AND

GRAHAM SLAM!

>> Stephen: HERE'S AN IMPORTANT THING TO

REMEMBER ABOUT THESE STATUES: THEY'RE NOT ACTUAL PEOPLE.

WHICH IS WHY TRUMP HAS EMPATHY FOR THEM.

AFTER TRUMP SAW THAT STATUE TOPPLE, HE PERSONALLY CALLED THE

INTERIOR SECRETARY AND ASKED FOR THE PARK SERVICE TO PUT ALBERT

PIKE BACK UP.

(AS TRUMP) "YES, I KNOW I'M A REPUBLICAN

PRESIDENT, AND I KNOW HE WAS A CONFEDERATE GENERAL.

BUT DO IT.

ALSO, PLEASE DIG UP LINCOLN'S SKELETON, 'CAUSE I WANNA TAKE

HIM TO THE THEATER TONIGHT.

AND SHOOT HIM IN THE BACK OF THE HEAD.

IT'S HERITAGE."

HE ALSO TOOK TO TWITTER: "VERY SAD TO SEE STATES ALLOWING

ROVING GANGS OF WISE GUYS, ANARCHISTS AND LOOTERS, MANY OF

THEM HAVING NO IDEA WHAT THEY ARE DOING, INDISCRIMINATELY

RIPPING DOWN OUR STATUES AND MONUMENTS TO THE PAST."

ROVING GANGS OF WISE GUYS?

"MMYEH, LISTEN HERE - ME AND MY BOYS RUN THIS PARK, AND WE'RE

GONNA FIT OL' GENERAL BOBBY LEE HERE FOR A 'CONCRETE FOOTREST,'

IF YOU CATCH MY DRIFT.

OH, HE'S ALREADY GOT ONE.

OK, 'CAUSE HE'S A STATUE?

WELL, OK.

SLEEP WITH THE PIGEONS, BOBBY!

MMYEH!" DO YOU LIKE MY DINERO?

>> YEAH.

>> Stephen: OKAY.

OF COURSE, TRUMP DOESN'T THINK PRESERVING STATUES IS JUST ABOUT

HERITAGE.

IT'S ALSO ABOUT EDUCATION.

"IT IS IMPORTANT FOR US TO UNDERSTAND AND REMEMBER, EVEN IN

TURBULENT AND DIFFICULT TIMES, AND LEARN FROM THEM."

THERE'S NOT REALLY MUCH YOU CAN LEARN FROM A STATUE, EXCEPT THE

EVOLUTION OF MEN'S PANTS.

HOW DID THEY GO TO THE BATHROOM?

LOOK AT ALL THOSE BUTTONS!

BUT THE PRESIDENT ISN'T JUST PUTTING THE STATUES BACK UP -

HE'S GOING AFTER THE PEOPLE WHO TOPPLED THEM.

>> WE HAVE ARRESTED NUMEROUS PEOPLE, AS YOU KNOW, FOR WHAT

TOOK PLACE OUTSIDE OF WASHINGTON BUT IN ADDITION, THE FBI IS

INVESTIGATING HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE THROUGHOUT THE COUNTRY FOR WHAT

THEY'VE DONE TO MONUMENTS, STATUES, AND EVEN BUILDINGS, SO

WE HAVE VERY STRONG LAWS ALREADY ON THE BOOKS.

WE HAVE A LAW THAT IS 10 YEARS.

IT'S TEN YEARS.

>> STEPHEN: YIKES.

TEN YEARS FOR TOPPLING ONE CONFEDERATE LEADER.

GENERAL GRANT'S GOING TO DO SOME HARD TIME.

BUT THIS ACT SHOWS THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION'S TRUE

PRIORITIES: THEY HAVEN'T MADE ANY EFFORTS TO PROTECT

BLACK PEOPLE IN THIS COUNTRY, BUT THEY'RE GOING OUT OF THEIR

WAY TO PROTECT MONUMENTS.

WHICH BRINGS ME TO TONIGHT'S LOGICAL CONCLUSION.

TONIGHT'S LOGICAL CONCLUSION IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY ONE OF MY

WRITERS - JOHN THIBODEAUX.

JOHN, THANKS FOR BEING HERE.

I KNOW YOU'RE REALLY BUSY WITH YOUR NEW BABY.

>> GO TO SLEEP!

SORRY, NEW DAD REFLEX.

THANKS FOR HAVING ME.

>> STEPHEN: SO, IF DONALD TRUMP CARES MORE ABOUT MONUMENTS THAN

BLACK PEOPLE, WHAT'S THE LOGICAL CONCLUSION?

>> IT'S EASY, STEPHEN.

BLACK PEOPLE HAVE TO APPLY TO BECOME NATIONAL MONUMENTS.

THEN ANY POLICE OFFICER WHO MIGHT ATTACK THEM WOULD

IMMEDIATELY GET ARRESTED.

>> STEPHEN: AND NO POLICE OFFICER WANTS TO GET ARRESTED.

HAVE YOU SEEN HOW ROUGH THE COPS CAN GET?

>> ...YEAH.

>> STEPHEN: SO HOW DOES THE PLAN WORK?

>> SO, ACCORDING TO THE ANTIQUITIES ACT OF 1906, TO BE

DECLARED A NATIONAL MONUMENT, YOU HAVE TO BE OF HISTORIC OR

SCIENTIFIC INTEREST.

AND I'D SAY A LOT OF BLACK AMERICANS ARE MAKING HISTORY

RIGHT NOW.

AND AS A BONUS: IF YOU'RE A MONUMENT, YOU GET TO HAVE YOUR

OWN GIFT SHOP!

STEPHEN, WOULDN'T YOU LOVE TO HAVE A MUG THAT SAYS, "I

VISITED JOHN THIBODEAUX AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS LOUSY MUG."

>> Stephen: I SURE WOULD!

>> IT'S $2,000.

>> Stephen: $2,000?

BABIES ARE EXPENSIVE.

>> Stephen: WOW.

NOW, THERE ARE AROUND BLACK PEOPLE IN THIS COUNTRY, SO

THIS PROCESS COULD TAKE A LONG TIME, BUT I'D LIKE TO GET THE

BALL ROLLING.

THAT'S WHY I'M SUBMITTING FOR NATIONAL MONUMENT STATUS:

DENZEL WASHINGTON.

HE'S A BRILLIANT ACTOR, DIRECTOR, AND PRODUCER.

AND BONUS: HE'S NEVER ONCE OWNED A SLAVE, UNLIKE SOME OTHER

WASHINGTONS I COULD MENTION.

>> STEPHEN: GOOD LUCK, JOHN.

DO YOU WANT ME TO VENMO YOU FOR THE MUG?

>> CASH APP'S IN THE BIO.

LIKE AND FOLLOW.

>> Stephen: JON THIBODEAUX, EVERYBODY.

WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.

I'LL BE TALKING TO THE AUTHOR OF "HOW TO BE AN ANTIRACIST," IBRAM

X. KENDI, AND AMERICA'S SWEETHEART, PATTON OSWALT!

BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, MEANWHILE!

JOIN US, WON'T YOU?

♪ >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!

WELCOME BACK TO "A LATE SHOW."

>> I'M ALREADY IN MID CONVERSATION WITH YOUR FRIEND

AND MINE MR. JON BATISTE.

JON, THIS IS A BIG CHECK AND I ACTUALLY HAVE A BLUE CARD.

I RARELY HAVE A BLUE CARD WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU.

>> Jon: I LOVE THE BLUE CARD.

>> Stephen: BUT WE'VE GOT TO HIT THIS.

>> Jon: UH-HUH.

>> Stephen: YOU KNOW THE PLAY AT HOME SERIES.

>> Jon: YES, OF COURSE.

>> Stephen: YOU LOVE THE PEOPLE AT HOME.

BRAND-NEW PERFORMANCES WITH DIFFERENT ARTISTISTS EACH NIGHT

WE'RE ON HIATUS BECAUSE WE'RE ABOUT TO GO ON HIATUS AND YOU'RE

KICKING IT OFF WITH A SPECIAL ARTIST TOMORROW NIGHT.

>> YES, DeMARCO, A LOT OF MUSIC HE MADE HIS BATHROOM.

THIS IS AN AMAZING WAY TO RECORD AND PERFORM VIRTUALLY.

HE SENDS THE FILES OVER TO ME AND I PUT IT TOGETHER RIGHT HERE

AND SEND IT BACK TO HIM AND WE LAYERED IT SOMEHOW WITH THE

MAGIC.

I DON'T KNOW WHO WAS DOING THAT PART, BUT IT'S GOING TO BE

AMAZING TO DO IT LIKE THIS.

>> Stephen: TO CHICK IT OUT, COLBERT LATE SHOW.com OR ON

"THE LATE SHOW" WITH STEPHEN COLBERT YOUTUBE CHANNEL.

>> Jon: YES.

>> Stephen: JOHN, HAVE A GREAT BREAK.

COULD YOU PLAY US OUT?

>> Jon: OH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH!

♪ ♪

♪ >> Stephen: JON BATISTE,

♪ >> Stephen: JON BATISTE,

EVERYBODY.

THANKS, JON.

FOLKS, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME GOING THROUGH THE WEST ELM

CATALOG OF THE WEEK'S BIGGEST STORIES, CHOOSING THE PERFECT

VELVET LOVESEAT TO PAIR WITH A FINE JUTE RUG AND ROSE-GOLD

FLOOR LAMP TO COMPOSE THE PICTURE-PERFECT RESTORATION

HARDWARE CATALOGUE LIVING ROOM THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.

BUT ONCE IN A WHILE, I LIKE TO SCOUR CRAIGSLIST'S "FREE AND FOR

SALE" PAGE, AND COBBLE TOGETHER ENOUGH BEEFARONI-STAINED CHAIRS,

CIGARETTE-BURNT END-TABLES, AND MOLDY THROW PILLOWS TO FURNISH

THE NEWY-DIVORCED DAD STUDIO APARTMENT OF NEWS THAT IS MY

SEGMENT: >> QUARANTINE-WHILE

>> STEPHEN: QUARANTINE-WHILE, LIFESTYLE GOOP-RU GWYNETH

PALTROW IS SELLING A NEW CANDLE CALLED "THIS SMELLS LIKE MY

ORGASM."

AND WHAT DOES GWYNETH'S ORGASM SMELL LIKE, YOU ASK?

OH, YOU DIDN'T?

WELL, I'M GOING TO TELL YOU ANYWAY.

APPARENTLY, "GUNPOWDER TEA, TURKISH ROSE," AND "TART

GRAPEFRUIT."

BASICALLY HER ORGASM IS A CONTINENTAL BREAKFAST.

NEVER THOUGHT I'D SAY THIS GWYNETH, BUT I MISS THE DAYS

WHEN YOU JUST LODGED HUNKS OF JADE UP THERE.

QUARANTINE-WHILE, "BECAUSE OF CORONAVIRUS, 7-ELEVEN IS

CANCELING FREE SLURPEE DAY," BUT DON'T WORRY, "MEMBERS OF THE 7

REWARDS LOYALTY PROGRAM WILL GET A COUPON FOR A FREE MEDIUM

SLURPEE."

SO IF YOU'RE A MEMBER OF THE 7 REWARDS LOYALTY PROGRAM...

ARE YOU OK?

I'M WORRIED ABOUT YOU.

QUARANTINEWHILE, AS AMERICA REEVALUATES HONORING

CONTROVERSIAL HISTORICAL FIGURES, "THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE

HAVE SIGNED A PETITION TO RENAME COLUMBUS, OHIO TO FLAVORTOWN IN

HONOR OF COLUMBUS NATIVE GUY FIERI."

AND IF THEY DON'T LIKE FLAVORTOWN, MIGHT I SUGGEST MEAT

SWEATS.

QUARANTINE-WHILE "EXPERTS ARE CALLING FOR REGULATION AFTER YET

ANOTHER BOTCHED ART RESTORATION IN SPAIN," THIS TIME OF A

BAROQUE PAINTING IN WHICH "THE FACE OF THE VIRGIN MARY WAS LEFT

UNRECOGNIZABLE."

OH, COME ON, HOW BAD COULD IT HAVE BEE--

OH, SWEET MOTHER OF GOD!

I THINK.

REALLY HARD TO TELL AT THIS POINT.

WHY DID IT GO SO BADLY?

MAYBE BECAUSE IT WAS DONE BY A FURNITURE RESTORER.

DO SOME RESEARCH.

THIS IS NOT THE TIME TO JUST GET WHOEVER YOUR BUDDY RECOMMENDS.

(ACT OUT) "HEY JIMMY, I GOT THIS 17TH

CENTURY BAROQUE PAINTING OF THE VIRGIN MARY.

I GOT A QUESTION: THAT GUY WHO STRIPPED THE VARNISH OFF YOUR

COFFEE TABLE?

HE'S GOT A PAINT BRUSH?" THAT WAS MY SPANISH ACCENT.

QUARANTINE-WHILE "KID ROCK'S NASHVILLE BAR HAS TEMPORARILY

LOST ITS BEER PERMIT DUE TO COVID-19 VIOLATIONS."

PREVIOUSLY, THE KID ROCK BAR'S #1 HEALTH VIOLATION WAS GOATEE

HAIR IN THE SALSA.

"KID ROCK'S BIG-ASS HONKY TONK AND ROCK & ROLL STEAKHOUSE" HAD

IT'S BEER LICENSE YANKED AFTER SOMEONE POSTED THIS PHOTO OF THE

PACKED BAR SHOWING PEOPLE BEING SERVED ILLEGALLY INDOORS AND NO

ONE WEARING MASKS.

HEY!

BOOZE-DINGUSES!

LET ME PUT THIS IN TERMS YOU'LL UNDERSTAND.

YOU JAM YOURSELVES INTO A BAR LIKE THAT AND, NEXT THING

YOU KNOW, BAWIT-DABAW DA-BANG A-DANG DIGGY-DIGGY-DIGGY SAID

THE BOOGY SAID UP JUMP INFECTION RATES.

QUARANTINE-WHILE, IF YOU'RE LIKE ME, YOU'RE EXCITED FOR AMAZON'S

UPCOMING LORD OF THE RINGS TV ADAPTATION.

IT'S MIDDLE EARTH, AMAZON-STYLE!

SO THE HOBBITS DO NOT GET BATHROOM BREAKS.

WELL, IF YOU LIVE DOWN UNDER AND TO THE RIGHT A BIT, LISTEN UP.

BECAUSE THEY'VE JUST ISSUED A NEW ZEALAND CASTING CALL FOR,

"FUNKY-LOOKING" PEOPLE.

"FUNKY-LOOKING PEOPLE?" I HOPE THAT MEANS THE ORC ARMY

WILL BE NOW BE LED BY PARLIAMENT.

AW, WE NEED THE RING.

GOT TO HAVE THAT RING!

WE'RE GOING TO TURN THIS MORDOR OOUUUT!

CAST ME, AMAZON!

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH THE AUTHOR OF "HOW TO BE AN

ANTIRACIST," IBRAM X. KENDI!

♪ WE NEED THE RING ♪ ♪ GOT TO HAVE THAT RING ♪

♪ >> STEPHEN: WELCOME BACK.

MY FIRST GUEST IS AN HISTORIAN AND THE BESTSELLING AUTHOR OF

"HOW TO BE AN ANTIRACIST" AND "STAMPED FROM THE BEGINNING."

PLEASE WELCOME IBRAM X. KENDI!

PROFESSOR KENDI, THANKS FOR BEING HERE.

>> OH, IT'S A PLEASURE TO BE ON THE SHOW.

>> Stephen: YOU'RE AMERICA'S LEADING SCHOLAR ON ANTIRACISM,

AND IN YOUR 2019 BOOK "HOW TO BE AN ANTIRACIST" IS CURRENTLY A

NUMBER ONE NONFICTION BEST SELLER.

WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BEING NOT RACIST AND BEING

ANTIRACIST?

>> WELL, HISTORICALLY, WHENEVER PEOPLE ARE CHALLENGED FOR SAYING

AND DOING SOMETHING THAT'S RACIST, TYPICALLY, THEIR

RESPONSE IS I'M NOT RACIST, NO MATTER WHAT THEY JUST SAID, NO

MATTER WHAT THEY JUST DID, BY CONTRAST, SOMEONE WHO IS

STRIVING TO BE ANTI-RACIST IS ACTUALLY WILLING TO ADMIT THE

TIMES IN WHICH THEY EXPRESS RACIST IDEAS.

THEY'RE WILLING TO ADMIT THE TIMES IN WHICH THEY SORT OF

SUPPORT RACIST POLICIES BECAUSE THEY'RE IN A PROCESS OF

CHANGING.

THEY'RE CHANGING THEMSELVES, THEY'RE SEEKING TO CHANGE

SOCIETY.

THEY'RE NOT NECESSARILY IN DENIAL, LIKE MANY AMERICANS WHO

DALE CLAIM THEY'RE NOT RACIST.

>> Stephen: WELL, I LIKE THAT FRAMING OF THE CONVERSATION

BECAUSE I, LIKE I'M SURE MANY AMERICANS, HAVE EXAMINED THEIR

CONSCIENCE ESPECIALLY OVER THE LAST FOUR WEEKS AND SAID I AM A

WHITE AMERICAN, I'VE BENEFITED FROM OUR SYSTEMIC RACISM IN OUR

SOCIETY AND I CAN'T SAY HONESTLY THAT I DON'T HAVE ANY RACISM,

BUT THE REFRAINT THAT YOU PUT IT ALLOWS A HOPE FOR CHANGE.

>> WELL, I MEAN, AND HUMANS HAVE THE CAPACITY TO CHANGE, AND I

THINK WE HAVE TO ALLOW FOR THAT.

AND THE QUESTION IS ALWAYS, AND I THINK WITH ANYTHING, WHEN

SOMEONE DIAGNOSES US, WHEN SOMEBODY EXPLAINS THAT WE HAVE

SOME SORT OF PROBLEM, THE QUESTION, I THINK, FOR ALL OF US

IS ARE WE GOING TO DENY THAT PROBLEM?

ARE WE GOING TO DENY THAT ADDICTION EVEN, OR ARE WE GOING

TO ADMIT IT AND THEN BEGIN THE PROCESS OF CHANGING OURSELVES,

HEALING OURSELVES SO THAT WE CAN CHANGE AND HEAL THIS COUNTRY?

>> Stephen: ANOTHER THING I LIKE THE WAY YOU'VE DONE THIS IS

WHILE NOT A RACIST AND ANTIRACIST BOTH MIGHT BE

DESCRIBED AS AN IDENTITY, ANTIRACIST IMPLIES ACTION.

>> OH, IT DOES.

AND, REALLY, I'M NOT RACIST IS AN IDENTITY BECAUSE, TYPICALLY,

A PERSON BELIEVES THAT'S WHO THEY ARE.

FOR SOMEBODY WHO'S BEING ANTIRACIST, IT'S MORE SO WHAT

THEY'RE BEING BASED ON WHAT THEY'RE SAYING AND DOING.

ANTIRACIST KNOW IF THEY'RE EXPRESSING RACIAL GROUPS ARE

EQUAL, THEY'RE BEING ANTIRACIST, IF THEY'RE CHALLENGING RACIST

POLICIES THEY'RE BEING ANTIRACIST.

SO YOU HAVE TO DO AND BE SOMETHING IN ORDER TO BE

ANTIRACIST.

>> Stephen: CAN YOU BE BOTH RACIST AND ANTIRACIST AT THE

SAME TIME?

I'LL GIVE YOU AN EXAMPLE -- WE HOLD THESE TRUTHS TO BE

SELF-EVIDENT, ALL MEN ARE CREATED EQUAL.

THAT IS BALDLY AN ANTIRACIST STATEMENT WRITTEN BY A RACIST

MAN.

>> AND EVEN IN THAT STATEMENT YOU HAD SOME PEOPLE AT THE TIME

BELIEVED WE WERE ALL CREATED EQUAL, WHICH WAS AN ANTIRACIST

IDEA, BUT THEN THEY ALSO BELIEVED, LET'S SAY, BLACK AND

EVEN NATIVE PEOPLE BECAME INFERIOR ON EARTH, IN OTHER

WORDS, THEIR CULTURES ARE INFERIOR, THEY'RE INFERIOR

BECAUSE OF THEIR ENVIRONMENT.

SO WE WERE ALL EQUAL TO BEGIN WITH, BUT AS A RESULT OF THE

CULTURES OF BLACK OR EVEN NATIVE PEOPLE, THEY'RE INFERIOR RIGHT

NOW.

>> Stephen: I HAVE A QUESTION ABOUT THE HISTORY OF RACISM.

IS WHAT WE THINK OF AS RACISM A MODERN -- AND I MEAN 500 YEARS

OLD -- A MODERN EUROPEAN COLONIAL IDEA THAT IS MERELY A

SUBSET OF INEQUALITY, OR HAS THERE ALWAYS BEEN SOME FORM OF

RACIAL DISCRIMINATION?

>> SO, FOR A VERY LONG TIME, YOU CAN LOOK INTO ANTIQUITY AND SEE

SEXISM AND ETHNOCENTRISM AND SEE OBVIOUS RELIGIOUS PERSECUTION,

BUT RACISM IS A MODERN PHENOMENON.

THE CONCEPT OF RACE -- BLACK AFRICA, NATIVE AMERICAN, EVEN

WHITE EUROPE -- IS A PHENOMENON THAT LARGELY COMES OUT OF

COLONIALISM AND SLAVERY.

>> Stephen: SO IF THERE HAVE BEEN ALWAYS BEEN, LIKE, MAN'S

INHUMANITY TO MAN, DID THE SORT OF ECONOMIC DESIRE TO EX PLOIN

PLOIT AFRICA CANS -- TO EXPLOIT AFRICANS LEAD TO THE

JUSTIFICATION OF RACISM?

>> EXACTLY.

THE CORE TO HAVE RACISM IS SELF-INTEREST.

IN OTHER WORDS, I WANT TO SLAVE TRADE OR ENSLAVE AFRICAN PEOPLE

OR EVEN NATIVE PEOPLE AND, THEREFORE, I'M GOING TO CREATE

POLICIES THAT MAKE ALL THESE DIFFERENT ETHNIC GROUPS ONE

PEOPLE, WORTHY OF ENSLAVEMENT, AND THEN I'M GOING TO ARGUE

THESE PEOPLE ARE INFERIOR, THEY'RE SAVAGE, AND SHOULD BE

DRIVEN FROM THEIR LAND THAT I'M SUPPOSEDLY CIVIL IDESSING.

SO THE SELF-INTEREST LED TO THE RACIST POLICIES, AND THE RACIST

POLICIES HAVE LED TO THE RACIST IDEAS, AND PEOPLE BELIEVE THESE

PEOPLE'S WERE BARBARIC AND SAVAGES WHICH MADE THEM IGNORANT

AND HATEFUL.

>> Stephen: WELL, WE MAY NOT HAVE ALWAYS HAD RACISM AS WE

PERCEIVE IT, BUT HUMANS HAVE ALWAYS HAD SELF-INTEREST.

HOW CAN YOU -- HOW CAN WE MAKE IT SO THAT BEING ANTIRACIST IS

IN YOUR SELF-INTEREST?

>> ONE THING FOR THE VAST MAJORITY OF AMERICANS, BEING

ANTIRACIST OR CREATING A MORE EQUITABLE SOCIETY IS ACTUALLY IN

THEIR SELF-INTERESTS, AND I THINK THAT, FOR INSTANCE, WHITE

AMERICANS ARE CONSTANTLY THINKING ABOUT WHAT THEY WOULD

LOSE WITH A RADICAL SORT OF RENOVATION OF THIS COUNTRY, OF

THIS COUNTRY'S POLICIES, AS OPPOSED TO WHAT THEY'D GAIN.

SO THEY'RE TOO QUICK TO COMPARE THEMSELVES TO PEOPLE OF COLOR AS

OPPOSED TO COMPARING THEMSELVES TO WHAT PEOPLE IN OTHER WESTERN

DEMOCRACIES HAVE.

AND THEN THE QUESTION IS WHY DON'T WE HAVE PAID FAMILY LEAVE

IN THE UNITED STATES?

WHY DON'T EVERYONE HAVE ACCESS TO FREE HEALTHCARE?

WHY IS THERE SO MUCH INCOME INEQUALITY?

AND ONE OF THE REASONS YOU CAN POINT TO IS RACISM AND PEOPLE

BEING CONSTANTLY MANIPULATED TO SUPPORTING POLICIES AND

POLICY-MAKERS AGAINST THEIR OWN SELF-INTERESTS BY RACIST IDEAS.

>> Stephen: AND THE CUDGEL OF THE WELFARE QUEEN BEING USED TO

DESTROY THE IDEA OF ANY SORT OF SAFETY NET THAT I SAW GROWING UP

IN THE 180s.

>> EXACTLY, AND IT WAS A SOCIAL SAFETY NET THAT WASN'T JUST

HELPING BLACK WOMEN OR BLACK PEOPLE, IT WAS HELPING ALL

AMERICANS, ALL AMERICANS WHO, OF COURSE, AT TIMES, ARE GOING TO

FALL AND NEED A SAFETY NET TO CATCH THEM, TO LIFT THEM BACK

UP.

THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT'S.

>> Stephen: NOW, YOU SAY THAT RACIST AND ANTIRACIST ARE NOT

FIXED IDENTITIES.

YOU'VE GOT AN AMAZING EXAMPLE OF SOMEONE WHO'S CLEARLY STEEPED IN

RACISM, WHO HAS BECOME AN ACTIVE ANTIRACIST.

TELL THE STORY OF THE DAVID DUKE'S GOD SON.

>> OH, YEAH, THREE YEARS AGO, I HAD THE PLEASURE OF MEETING

DEREK BLACK.

DEREK BLACK IS THE SON OF DON BLACK.

DON BLACK CREATED THE WEB SITE STORM FRONT, ONE OF THE MAJOR

PROGENITORS OF THE WHITE NATIONALIST MOVEMENT AND GROOMED

HIS SON DEREK TO BECOME ONE OF THE LEADERS OF THE WHITE

NATIONALIST MOVEMENT, TO REALLY BECOME LIKE A RICHARD SPENCER.

BUT WHEN DEREK BLACK WENT TO COLLEGE, HE STARTED -- SOME OF

HIS FRIENDS TOOK HIM TO THE SIDE AND STARTED CHALLENGING SOME OF

HIS IDEAS AND, ULTIMATELY, HE BEGAN CHANGING.

I UNDERSTAND HE READ ONE OF MY BOOKS ALONG THE WAY AND MANY

OTHER BOOKS ON RACISM AND NOW HE'S SOMEONE WHO'S STRIVING TO

BE YANTS RACIST.

SO SOMEONE WHO WAS RACED TO LEAD THE WHITE NATIONALIST MOVEMENT

IS NOW STRIVING TO BE ANTIRACIST.

>> Stephen: ONE OF THE CHANGES GOING ON NOW, ONE TO HAVE THE

CULTURAL CHANGES LIKE MONUMENTS BEING PULLED DOWN, PERHAPS

CHANGING NAMES OF ARMY BAILS NAMED AFTER CONFEDERATE

GENERALS, I HAVE FOUND OUT YOUR HIGH SCHOOL, YOU WENT TO

STONEWALL JACKSON HIGH SCHOOL?

VIRGINIA, AND THERE IS A PETITION, OVER 30,000

SIGNATURES, TO RENAME IT THE IBRAM X. KENDI HIGH SCHOOL.

I KNOW THIS DOESENTS COME FROM YOU, BUT THIS IS HAPPENING.

HOW DID THIS COME ABOUT AND HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THAT?

>> WELL, I THINK, OBVIOUSLY, I'M HAPPY THEY'RE FINALLY CHANGING

THE NAME OF MY HIGH SCHOOL, SINCE IT WAS NAMED AFTER A

CONFEDERATE GENERAL, BUT I UNDERSTAND PEOPLE ARE PUSHING

FOR THIS, AND ONE OF THE PEOPLE WHO ARE PUSHING FOR IT, I

UNDERSTAND, IS THE GREAT, GREAT-GRANDSON OF STONEWALL

JACKSON WHO I THINK IS A CLASS ACT, WARREN CHRISTIAN, AND HE'S

SHOWING THAT WE ARE LIKELY NOT BOUND BY OUR ANCESTORS, JUST

LIKE WE'RE NOT BOUND BY THE PAST HISTORY OF THIS COUNTRY'S

RACISM.

WE CAN CREATE A DIFFERENT KIND OF COUNTRY THAT WILL RESPECT AND

VALUE BLACK LIVES AND THE LIVES OF PEOPLE OF COLOR.

>> Stephen: YOU'VE RELEASED ANOTHER BOOK CALLED "ANTIRACIST

BABY."

WHY DID YOU DECIDE TO WRITE A BOOK ABOUT ANTIRACISM FOR

BABIES?

>> I FIRST AND FOREMOST HAVE A VERY YOUNG DAUGHTER, AND I

WANTED TO HAVE A TOOL FOR HER.

I MEAN, I KNOW THAT, AT SIX MONTHS, BABIES ARE ALREADY

SEEING RACE.

I KNOW AT TWO YEARS OLD, SOME CHILDREN ARE ALREADY CONSUMING

OR BELIEVING IN RACIST IDEAS AND DISCERNING WHO TO PLAY WITH

BASED ON A KID'S SKIN COLOR, AND I ALSO KNOW THAT MANY PARENTS

BELIEVE THEIR KIDS ARE COLOR BLIND, BUT THEIR KIDS ARE

ANYTHING BUT, ACCORDING TO THE STUDIES.

AND WE SHOULD BE TEACHING OUR KIDS ABOUT RACISM AND BEING

ANTIRACIST EVEN BEFORE THEY CAN FULLY UNDERSTAND WHAT THAT

MEANS.

JUST LIKE WE TEACH THEM WHAT IT MEANS TO BE KIND, WHAT IT MEANS

TO LOVE, THESE ARE SOPHISTICATED CONCEPTS.

KINDNESS AND LOVE ARE WHAT WE TEACH OUR KIDS EARLY BECAUSE WE

VALUE BEING KIND AND LOVING, AND WE SHOULD VALUE BEING

ANTIRACIST, AND THE EARLIER WE TEACH OUR KIDS TO BE ANTIRACIST,

THE BETTER.

>> Stephen: AS I SAID, YOUR LEADING VOICE AGAINST RACISM IN

THE UNITED STATES.

YOUR WIFE IS AN E.R. DOCTOR AT A CHIRPS HOSPITAL IN D.C.

SHE'S FIGHTING COVID ON THE FRONT LINES.

WHAT GIVES THE TWO OF YOU HOPE?

BECAUSE YOU'RE BOTH PART OF A PRESENT VITAL STRUGGLE.

>> WELL, I THINK, FOR US, I THINK WHAT GIVES US HOPE IS THAT

YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE CHANGE IS POSSIBLE IN ORDER TO BRING IT

ABOUT.

SO WHEN SHE DIAGNOSES A YOUNG CHILD WHO HAS A SERIOUS ILLNESS,

SHE BELIEVES THAT THAT KID, THAT THAT CHILD CAN BE HEALED.

SHE HAS TO BELIEVE IT.

DOCTORS HAVE TO BELIEVE THAT.

JUST LIKE WHEN I DIAGNOSE AMERICA AS RACIST, WHEN I SAY

THAT EVEN AMERICA IS STAGE FOUR METASTATIC RACISM, I STILL

BELIEVE THAT AMERICA CAN FIGHT AGAINST THE ODDS AND STILL HEAL

ITSELF.

>> Stephen: WELL, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE.

THANKS FOR THE MESSAGE AND THANKS FOR THE HOPE AND THANKS

FOR THE EXAMPLE.

>> OF COURSE, YES.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

>> Stephen: "ANTIRACIST BABY" AND "STAMPED: RACISM,

ANTIRACISM, AND YOU" ARE BOTH AVAILABLE NOW.

IBRAM X. KENDI, EVERYBODY.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH COMEDIAN PATTON OSWALT.

THANKS AGAIN, SIR.

♪ >> STEPHEN: WELCOME BACK.

MY NEXT GUEST IS A COMEDIAN YOU KNOW FROM TV, MOVIES, AND HIS

EMMY AND GRAMMY AWARD WINNING COMEDY SPECIALS.

PLEASE WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW," PATTON OSWALT.

NICE TO SEE YOU.

>> GREAT TO SEE YOU, STEPHEN.

HOW ARE YOU DOING?

>> Stephen: I'M DOING FINE.

I WANT TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT YOUR PROJECTS, BUT THE FIRST THING I

WANT TO ASK YOU ABOUT IS YOU RECENTLY GOT CALLED OUT BY

TUCKER CARLSON.

WHAT DID YOU DO TO UPSET HIM?

PERYOU BAD?

>> APPARENTLY, I AND ABOUT A DOZEN OTHER EVIL LEFT WING

CELEBRITY KABAL DECIDED TO GIVE MONEY TO SUPERVILLAINS IN THE

STREETS -- PROTESTORS -- SO HE DID WHAT IT LOOKED LIKE A RECORD

AD AND HE WAS SCROLLING OUR PHAGES ALONG.

AT ONE POINT HE SAID HOLLYWOOD POWER COUPLE, AND IT'S ME AND

HARRY STYLES TOGETHER ON THE SCREEN, AND IT SCROLLS UP TO THE

NEXT COUPLE AND, OH, GOOD.

>> Stephen: HE LINGERED ON CARELL FOR A WHILE IN THAT ONE,

TOO.

>> I WAS SO JEALOUS BECAUSE THE PICTURE HE CHOSE OF CARELL WAS

THE GREAT HALF BEARD SILVER FOX, AND HE FOUND SOME PICTURE THAT I

THINK NBC USED WHERE I'M, LIKE, TO THE SIDE AND SUPER DOUGHY.

IT LOOKED LIKE SOMEBODY DID A CANDLE OF MY FACE, I WAS SO

BUMMED OUT, BUZZ THERE ARE BETTER -- BECAUSE THERE ARE

BETTER PICTURES!

>> Stephen: I LOVE HOW HE THOUGHT HE WAS GOING TO BURN

YOUR GUYS.

>> I SAW ON TWITTER THIS IS THE BEST LIST TO BE ON.

MY MOM GAVE ME A NOTE SAYING YOU'RE A GOOD BOY, I ALWAYS KNEW

YOU WERE, SO PROUD OF YOU.

>> Stephen: IS THAT WHAT THIS IS?

GOOD BOY.

>> YOU'RE A GOOD BOY.

>> Stephen: THAT'S NICE.

WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM YOUR MOM?

>> EXACTLY, SHE'S SO PROUD.

THAT'S ONE TO HAVE THE THINGS I CAN PUT IN THE TIME CAPSULE.

>> Stephen: AS A STANDUP HOW ARE YOU HANDLING QUARANTINE?

YOU TOUR AND THERE'S NO AUDIENCE.

I HAVEN'T HAD AN AUDIENCE FOR THREE AND A HALF MONTHS,

SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

WHAT'S THAT LIKE FOR YOU.

>> IS THIS I MEAN, IT'S ROUGH.

ALL MY BEST WRITING HAPPENS IN FRONT OF AN AUDIENCE ON A STAGE

AND I DON'T HAVE THE EGO TO GO -- PEOPLE SHOULD DIE IN ORDER

TO SEE MY COMEDY.

I CAN'T GET PEOPLE TO COME OUT AND SEE IT LIVE IN ANY GOOD

CONSCIENCE, SO I'M JUST STAYING HOME, STAYING IN AND TRYING TO

STAY AS SAFE AS I CAN.

>> Stephen: BUT I HEARD -- WE'VE GOT A CLIP HERE, YOU

ACTUALLY DID A SHOW ON YOUR FRONT LAWN.

>> ALL RIGHT, FOLKS!

THANKS FOR STAYING IN TONIGHT!

HOPE YOU GUYS ARE ACE LATING AND SECURING IN PLACE!

THIS IS COVID 19, I TELL YA, YOU KNOW, I DIDN'T SEE COVID 1

THROUGH 18, SO I DON'T KNOW REALLY KNOW WHAT THIS IS ALL

ABOUT.

BUT, HEY, YOU KNOW, GREAT TIME TO CATCH UP ON YOUR STREAMING

STUFF.

OH, HEY!

HOW YOU DOING THERE?

HOW YOU DOING TODAY?

>> Stephen: HOW WAS THAT?

THAT WAS JUST ME.

THAT WAS THE SUNDAY AFTER THEY ANNOUNCED THE STAY-AT-HOME

ORDER.

THAT WAS SUNDAY MARCH 15, SO THAT WAS ME IMMEDIATELY

IMAGINING THE WORST.

KNOWING COMEDIANS OR HOW NEEDY I A, I SAW US STUMBLING ON OUR

FRONT LOPS AND TRYING TO ENTERTAIN THE NEIGHBORHOOD.

IT WAS WEIRD HOW SO MANY OF MY FRIENDS, THE PART WHERE LITTLE

ALICE WALKS ALONG AND GOES YOU STUCK, THAT WAS COMFORTING FOR

THEM TO SEE A HECKLER YELLING AT YOU, THAT'S HOW MUCH THEY WERE

MISSING IT, ALREADY.

>> Stephen: THAT'S HOME COOKIN'.

>> IT REALLY WAS.

IT'S HOME COOKING.

>> Stephen: I HAVE A BONE TO PICK WITH YOU.

YOU HAVE A HAIRCUT.

>> I DO HAVE A HAIRCUT, DON'T I?

>> Stephen: HOW DO YOU HAVE A HAIRCUT?

ARE YOU A RENEGADE?

>> NO, I REALLY LUCKED OUT.

AMONG ALL THE TALENTS MY WIFE MEREDITH HAS, SHE, TURNS OUT,

CAN REALLY, REALLY CUT WELL REALLY WELL, AND HAS BEEN DOING

THESE AMAZING HAIRCUTS OUTEN OUR BACK PORCH.

I LOOK GOOD.

AND THE FIRST MONTH, I DIDN'T CUT MY HAIR AND I WAS TURNING

INTO A WOLVERINE.

SO SHE GOES, WE GOT TO FIX THIS, YOU LOOK INSANE NOW.

>> Stephen: DOES YOUR HAIR EVER GET LONG OR JUST GO OUT?

>> IT JUST POPS.

THE FIRST TIME SHE GAVE ME A HAIRCUT, IT WAS SO BIG, THE

FIRST CUT SHE MADE, SHE WENT, WHOOPS!

I SAID, WHAT DO YOU MEAN, WHOOPS?

SHE HAD TO CUT SO MUCH OF IT, IT WAS THIS HUGE, CRAZY LOOKING

CHUNK, AND OUR DAUGHTER WAS LAUGHING HER HEAD OFF.

WHEN SHE CUT EVERYTHING DOWN TO MATCH THE MISTAKE, IT LOOKED

GREAT.

>> Stephen: FANTASTIC.

I DON'T THINK I'M GOING TO GET A HAIRCUT UNLESS IT'S FROM

HER.

I THINK I'M DONE PAYING FOR HAIRCUTS, SO THAT'S A GOOD THING

THAT CAME OUT OF THIS.

>> Stephen: SURE, KA-CHING.

PATTON, WE'LL HAVE TO TAKE A BREAK.

BACK WITH MORE OF AMERICA'S SWEETHEART PATTON OSWALT.

♪ >> EVEN AS HE DESECRATES AND

UNDERMINES THE INSTITUTIONS THAT MAKE IT POSSIBLE BUT TO ME

BARR'S CROWNING DISHONESTY -- >> THERE ARE NO RULES ABOUT WHEN

PEOPLE -- THERE'S NO RULES ABOUT WHEN YOU CAN MAKE NOISE.

>> ORDER IN THE ROOM, THERE'S A BANGING.

>> NO, THERE'S CERTAINLY NOT.

MR. CHAIRMAN WOULD YOU HAVE GENE REMOVED?

>> HE'S TOO DUCHE-Y, WE HAVE TO CROSS THE STREET!

>> WHO ARE YOU GUYS?

THE DOUCHE BUSTERS!

♪ >> Stephen: WE'RE BACK WITH

COMEDIAN PATTON OSWALT.

I KNOW THERE'S A NEW H.B.O. DOCK CUE SERIES "ILL BE GONE IN THE

DARK" BASED ON YOUR WIFE.

TELL US WHAT IT'S ABOUT.

>> MY SHELL MAC McNAMARA.

TELL US WHAT IT'S ABOUT.

>> IT'S ABOUT THE GOLDEN STATE KILLER, WHICH MICHELLE CAME UP

WITH THAT NAME, WHICH HELPED TO PUT HEAT AND INTEREST BACK ON

THE CASE.

IT TALKS TO THE SURVIVORS AND VICTIMS.

IT'S A MASSIVE THREE-PAR KIND OF TRUE CRIME EPIC.

IT'S DIRECTED BY LIZ GARBUS WHO DID THE SIMONE DOCUMENTARY AND

THE "NEW YORK TIMES" ONE.

SHE IS SUCH AN AMAZING DOCUMENTTARIAN AND IT'S A

WONDERFUL PIECE OF WORK.

>> Stephen: YOU WERE ALSO INTERVIEWED AND, OBVIOUSLY, THIS

IS VERY PERSONAL FOR YOU.

WHAT WAS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING ABOUT THIS DOCUMENTARY FOR

YOU?

>> I THINK THE MOST IMPORTANT THING FOR ME WAS MAKING SURE TO

SPOTLIGHT THE STUFF MICHELLE WANTED TO IN THE BOOK WHICH IS

NAMELY THE VICTIMS' LIVES, RESILIENCE FROM BOUNCING BACK

FROM THIS TRAGEDY THEY ENCOUNTERED AND ALSO GETTING A

FULLER PICTURE OF HER AND BY DOING THAT SHOWING A FULLER

PICTURE OF WHAT DRIVES THE PEOPLE TO INVESTIGATE CRIMES,

THE KIND OF MINDSET THAT IS DRAWN TO THAT.

AND LIZ DOES THAT WITH FLYING COLORS.

>> Stephen: IT'S AN EXTRAORDINARY DOCUMENTARY

SERIES.

PATTON, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE.

>> THANK YOU, STEPHEN, FOR HAVING ME.

AND IF WE CAN GET MEREDITH OUT TO NEW YORK SAFELY, SHE WILL

HAPPILY CUT YOUR HAIR SIX-FEET DISTANT, SO KEEP THAT IN MIND.

>> Stephen: I'LL TAKE IT.

BELIEVE ME, IF I DIDN'T HAVE HAIR SPRAY RIGHT NOW, IT WOULD

BE FLUFFED UP LIKE SYNDROME.

( LAUGHTER ) >> EXACTLY, YEAH, THAT'S WHERE

MINE WAS SETTING SO LUCKILY SHE STEPPED IN

>> STEPHEN: "I'LL BE GONE IN THE DARK" PREMIERES THIS SUNDAY ON

HBO.

PATTON OSWALT, EVERYBODY!

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

>> STEPHEN: THAT'S IT FOR "A LATE SHOW."

WE'RE TAKING A LITTLE BREAK COMING UP.

I WANT YOU TO HAVE A GREAT FOURTH OF JULY.

WE HOLD THESE TRUTHS TO BE SELF-EVIDENT, "BLACK LIVES

MATTER."

STICK AROUND FOR JAMES CORDEN.

BUT FIRST, STICK AROUND FOR SOME MUSIC FROM JON BATISTE AND "STAY

HUMAN."

♪ ♪

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