All language subtitles for monkey business eng dvd

Not yet, Cary.

Not yet, Cary.

Hm!

- Barnaby, you have the key.
- Uh-huh.

- Well, look for it, darling.
- Oh.

Look in this pocket.
That's usually where you hide it.

Oh, yeah. Oh, but I didn't hide it.
I put it there so that I could find it.

- Here it is.
- Would you turn on the porch light?

Turn off that hall light, close the door,
be sure it's locked. I'll start the car.

I understand.

Oh, it's you. Come on in.

- Barnaby!
- What?

- We're going to a dance.
- Oh, yes.

- And we're going to be late if we don't hurry.
- Oh, yeah.

Now, let's start all over again.
You've got your key.

- It's in that pocket.
- That's right. I put it there on purpose.

And you're going to turn the porch light on,
and the hall light off,

- and then you're going to lock the door.
- Right.

Now come along, darling.

- Barnaby, are you thinking?
- Hm?

Oh. Yeah. Yeah.

It's pretty dark in here, isn't it?

- Oh, that's better.
- What are you thinking about?

Oh, it's the tests we made in the lab today.

They prove that only 23%
of the formula is being assimilated.

- Oh, the formula.
- Well, you know what that means.

That means that 73% is absolute waste.

- 73? What happened to the rest of it?
- No. No, no.

Not 73. 77. What did I say?

- 77.
- Oh.

I guess that's why it has so little effect on
the chimpanzees we're experimenting with.

We've been giving it to them
for over two months now.

It certainly hasn't done
what it should have done.

- I thought it was doing rather well.
- No, no.

No, that's the trouble.
It isn't doing well at all.

What about that one monkey
you told me about?

- Oh, you mean Rudolph.
- He's pretty old, isn't he?

Well, Rudolph's about, uh,
the equivalent of 84 years old in a human.

Didn't the formula cure his rheumatism?
Didn't it make his coat much glossier?

- Didn't you say he felt better?
- In a way.

- Well, then, what do you expect?
- It isn't what it should be, Edwina.

What must it be before
you're satisfied with it?

Theoretically, it should have
a much greater effect.

I've just got to find a way
to make it more easily assimilable.

- Huh?
- "Assimilable"?

- More easily "assimilated".
- Oh, yeah.

I thought I had a good idea
at the front door just now.

I guess I just thought I had.
Anyway, it's gone.

- Well, it'll come back to you.
- I doubt it.

- It'll come back to you.
- That's the trouble about being a chemist.

You know, you can't actually think.

You feel compelled to stare at a sheet
of white paper hoping it'll speak to you,

but it never does.

Oh!

- Is that a new dress?
- Mm-hm.

Oh, I like that. Let me see it.

I like the way it sticks out.

- Or is that you?
- Well, you oughta know.

It isn't you.

You ought to be going somewhere
in a dress like that.

Yeah. Well, I'm glad you like it.

Holy smokes!

We forgot all about the party.
Why didn't you remind me?

- We're not going.
- Why not?

Well, we're not going
for a number of reasons.

One... when I dance with you,
I want to dance with all of you.

I don't want your brain to be somewhere else.

I know.

You're not often the absent-minded
professor, but you can be a real zombie.

- Yeah, I admit it.
- And I don't want people to see you like that.

Now, go on. Sit down and relax, and...

be brilliant.

Hey.

- You know, you're all right.
- How do you like your eggs?

- How did eggs get into the conversation?
- You're hungry, aren't you?

I'll fix you something to eat
and call Hank and tell him we're not coming.

- Did you telephone Hank?
- Mm-hm. He wasn't in. I left a message.

Don't tell me you've solved
the formula already.

No. No, I've had my mind on other things.

You've been looking forward to
this party for a month, haven't you?

- We're not even going to discuss it.
- I know that. I was just thinking.

- It's queer about people.
- What about people?

- Through no fault of their own they get older.
- That's a profound remark.

Well, they do. Something happens to them.

Are you referring to me, Barnaby?

No, I was thinking of the human race.
A pretty sad group.

Could you get me some soup plates, darling?

If you don't think the human race
undergoes changes as it matures,

I ask you to recall the night
of the Everett Winston party.

- I don't recall any Everett Winston party.
- Remember our honeymoon?

- Of course I do, darling. Put those over there.
- I was hoping you would.

Well, a week after
we got back from our honeymoon,

the Everett Winstons invited us to a party.

- Sorry, darling, but I don't remember going.
- We didn't go.

We didn't?

Oh, yes. Now I remember.

We stayed home.

- Just like tonight.
- Edwina, that's what I'm talking about.

We stayed home for an altogether different
reason. Tonight it's for an intellectual reason.

I remember we didn't want to share each
other with anyone. You were so sweet.

Remember how the telephone kept ringing
for hours and hours and hours?

I'll get it.

You see what I mean?
Tonight we're answering calls.

- Hi, Hank.
- Hi.

Say, what's this message
about not going out tonight?

That's right. Sometimes there are things
more important than going to a dance.

Oh, the genius at work again, uh?

I'm glad I'm a lawyer, not a chemist.
Where is he?

- In the kitchen. I'm fixing dinner.
- I've got a few things to say to him.

This has happened just once too often.

Now, what's the idea of doing something
tonight you can do just as well tomorrow?

I'll get you a drink.

Why can't you be a genius before sundown
and a human being after?

I never know in advance
when I'm going to be a genius.

- Here's your drink.
- You can't call off a date

when your wife's got a new dress and I've
booked a table. It just doesn't make sense.

No, I don't suppose it does.

- What are you doing?
- Nothing, dear.

- I think you'd better sit down.
- What for?

Do as I tell you, and you'll see what I mean.

- Cold?
- I see what you mean.

Now neither one of you are making sense.

I think Mr Entwhistle is disturbed

because he can't take you to the party
and dance all over your feet.

I didn't reserve a table and order flowers
just to look at your face.

No, I don't suppose you did.

Go on, have your soup while Hank
drinks his drink. Be careful, it's very hot.

- Is it all right now?
- I can only tell you, Mrs Fulton,

if you'd been smart enough
to marry me instead of... this,

- you wouldn't be in a kitchen cooking.
- No? Where would she be cooking?

- Did you burn yourself?
- I hope he did.

- I told you it was hot.
- He has no feelings.

Here, eat some bread. Quickly.
Well, darling, say something.

- Heat.
- Well, I know. Blow on it!

Heat! Just ordinary heat. I never thought of it.

Heat could make the formula 100% effective.

- I think you've solved the problem.
- Do you really think so?

- I'm almost sure.
- Do you know what just happened?

- He burned his mouth.
- No, silly. He just solved our whole future.

If your future depends
on figuring out soup is hot...

- Hank, wait. Tell him.
- I've been promised a good job

- if I can make the formula work.
- No more commercial assignments,

no more working on nonskid girdles
or noiseless popcorn bags.

- No fooling!
- Yes, select my own field of research,

exchange ideas with other professors
all over the world.

Well, that's fine. Seems to me
a celebration is in order.

No reason to stay home
from the Yacht Club party now.

Except we're staying home
from the Everett Winston party.

Everett Winston left town three years ago.

- We're still staying home from his party.
- You can't stay home from a party if you...

- Your phone's ringing.
- Yes, I know.

- Shall I answer it?
- No, just let it ring.

- That's important, isn't it?
- Very.

- You two are way beyond me.
- Convey our regrets to the Everett Winstons.

And say we're very sorry.

The language is confusing,
but the actions are unmistakable.

Good night, you two.

- Just a moment, please.
- Good morning.

Oh, Dr Fulton. Mr Oxly
would like to see you in his office.

Thank you.

- Good morning, Dr Fulton.
- Good morning. Aren't you here early?

Oh, yes. Mr Oxly's been complaining
about my punctuation,

so I'm careful to get here before nine.

Mr Oxly's on the telephone.
Won't you sit down?

I'm glad we have a moment.
I have something I want to show you.

For instance?

Isn't it wonderful?

- I beg your pardon?
- The nonrip stockings you invented.

Oh! The N-41 acetate project.

This is an experimental pair,
the first out of the factory.

- Aren't you proud?
- Turned out rather well.

I'll say. You can't tear 'em or snag 'em
or anything, no matter how hard you try.

- You'd be amazed, Doctor.
- Oh, no, I wouldn't.

I've done a lot of experimenting with this kind
of thing. But I'm through with all of that now.

Oh, Mr Oxly. Dr Fulton's here.

- Good morning, sir.
- Good morning. You can come in now,

- if you're not too busy.
- Miss Laurel was showing me her acetates.

Yes... No calls, please.

Yes, sir.

- Barnaby, I want to talk to you.
- Yes, sir.

I'm very much interested
in this new experiment of yours.

As a matter of fact, I'm all steamed up
about it. How's it coming?

Our problem is to increase
the efficiency of the formula.

- Could be quite a thing.
- I stumbled onto something

- that may be of help.
- That's good news.

Oh, I wanted you to see
this advertising layout.

I want your opinion. We jumped the gun
a little, but I thought we'd better be ready.

Well, why B-4?

"Be-fore", as in "before and after".

Emphasises the youth angle.

Get it?

- What's the vulture doing?
- That's a phoenix, a mythical bird,

rising out of the ashes of age.

Makes the youth point again.

- Dignified, yet forceful.
- Do you mind a comment, Mr Oxly?

- Not at all. I'd welcome it.
- I think it's appalling.

- From what point of view?
- It's lurid and inaccurate.

It implies that it's some sort
of "fountain of youth" drug.

But wouldn't it make people young?

Mr Oxly, we're working with
a large number of ingredients,

each of which accomplishes
certain beneficial results.

- Well?
- Well, it depends upon

which combination of ingredients we use,
and the proportions in which we use them.

We may never find the right combination,
or the exact proportions,

to produce the effect you're talking about.
It would be a miracle.

But you can do it, my boy.

- I told you I didn't want any calls.
- Mr Oxly, Dr Lenton's on the phone.

- He says it's very important.
- Who is he?

- He's...
- He's my new assistant.

Oh, yes. Oh, just a moment, Miss Laurel.

- Find someone to type this.
- Oh, Mr Oxly, can't I try again?

No, it's very important.
Better find someone to type it for you.

Yes, sir.

Anybody can type.

- Who did she say was calling?
- Dr Lenton.

Oh, yes. Yes, Dr Lentil?

Yes.

I know he's not there.

Dr Fulton is here with me.

Yes... What?

Really? What sort of reactions?

Why, that's amazing! We'll be right there!

Come along, Barnaby.
You've done better work than you know.

- Come along, Miss Laurel. It's amazing!
- What's amazing?

Dr Whachamacallit says one of your monkeys
broke loose. We've got to hurry.

He's acting very strangely.
Obviously a reaction to your formula.

I knew you could do it, Barnaby. I knew it.

Careful, Mr Oxly. He's pretty wild.

- Behave yourself!
- What happened, Jerome?

I haven't the slightest idea. He opened the
door of his cage, and he's acting strangely.

- Let go of him.
- There's no telling what he might do.

Let go of him!

Look at that old chimp, Miss Laurel.
84 years old, 14 years older than I am,

- and just look at him.
- I am looking, Mr Oxly.

This is incredible.

Now, Rudolph, you come down!

I don't understand this.
Have you been giving him stimulants?

Only the formula. Only X-57.

- Be a good boy!
- The tests we made gave no indication that...

Come on, Rudolph. Act your age!

Come down here! This isn't like you.

Come on. Come on, now.

Come on, Rudolph. Behave yourself.
Come down. That's better.

- What's he doing there?
- That cage contains our female monkey.

By George! By George!

Come here! Mr Oxly,
haven't you seen enough yet?

Come here.

Something's wrong. Let me see
if there's something I can do.

- You're welcome to him.
- Rudolph, you calm down.

You behave yourself. That's better.
Be a good boy, and do as I tell you.

Come on down from there. Come on.
That's good. Come along.

It's all right.

Now, calm down and sit there,
and let me look at you.

Well, gentlemen, I think we've seen enough.
I'd like to consult with Dr Fulton, alone.

Barnaby, if your formula
will have the same effect in humans,

- it's the greatest thing in modern science.
- Sit down.

We intend to discontinue
every other product.

We'll turn out B-4 and nothing but B-4.

I'd like to offer myself
as the first human to try it.

- Mr Oxly, that may be dangerous.
- I'm perfectly willing to take that chance.

Oh!

- This isn't Rudolph.
- What?

This chimpanzee is only six months old.
Rudolph is a male. This is a female.

- Barnaby, are you sure?
- Reasonably.

- She's wearing Rudolph's jacket.
- This is Esther. Here, hold on to her.

I'll prove it to you. There's Rudolph,
with Esther's number on.

I suppose the janitor gave them a bath
and switched jackets by mistake.

- I suppose that's the way it happened.
- I feel let down.

Personally, I'm glad it happened.

You know, you're expecting too much
from that formula of B-4, Mr Oxly.

Perhaps it's the name that's confusing you.
If you let me work for a couple of hours,

- I'll be better able to prove what it will do.
- Let me know when you're ready.

And let's have no more false alarms.
They certainly take it out of a man.

Come along, Miss Laurel.

What a ridiculous way to start a day!

I hope it doesn't get any worse.

Sodium ascorbate.

3,000 milligrams.

Check.

You keep quiet, Esther.

- Don't you like the way I'm doing this?

- Molybdenum.
- Ah. Sodium molybdate?

- Yes.
- Let's see. Four-tenths each dose.

- So three doses will be 1200 milligrams?
- Check.

Apyonine.

- 2,000 milligrams? The whole three doses?
- Check.

Well, that about does it. Now, Jerome,
we'll refrigerate these factors, and heat these.

These remain as is. We'll use
Dr Miller's cooler and incubator.

Shall we label this X-57 as usual?

No, X-58, and not B-4.

- Good morning.
- Good morning. Oh, Gus.

- Did the monkeys take a bath this morning?
- Why, is there one missing?

No, no. Gus, did you bathe
the monkeys this morning?

- Yes, of course. Sure.
- You mixed up their uniforms.

Oh, I did? Oh, I'm awfully sorry.
I'll fix 'em up right away.

No, do it when you feed them this afternoon.

- But don't let it happen again.
- I won't.

Oh, quiet down. You've caused me
enough trouble already.

Huh! Grown-up men playing with monkeys.

Mice, rabbits, guinea pigs...

Now monkeys.

- Oh, oh, oh, oh! Whew!
- What's the matter?

Oh! My bursitis. That's one of the things
I hope the formula will alleviate.

- You intend to take it yourself?
- Certainly I do.

- Why don't you try it on Jerome?
- I wouldn't dare.

- Remember the hair restorer?
- One of our more successful experiments.

- We learned how to remove hair, anyway.
- Let's talk about something else.

Hey, hey, hey!

How did you get out of there, huh?

Listen, Esther, or Rudolph,
whichever one you are...

Come on. Come on,
you get right back in your cage.

No, I'm not gonna carry you.
You walk. Come on.

What you doin' gettin' out? Get back in.

Go on. How'd you get out, anyway?

Gus, I thought you were
going to attend to that later.

Oh, I wasn't changing 'em, Doctor.
Esther got out. I was puttin' her back in.

I guess that was my fault.
I forgot to close the lock.

- Kinda messed your stuff up there.
- I'll take care of it, Gus.

Oh, don't bother with anything now, Jerome.
I'm anxious to try this.

Seriously, Doctor, do you think you should?

Self-experimentation is
against the rules of good research.

Jerome, the history of discovery

is the history of people
who didn't follow rules.

Well, here goes. To X-58, and a better world.

Goodness, that's bitter.
I'd better get some water.

Oh, that Gus.

It even makes the water taste bitter.

- Well, better put these away.
- What might be the first reaction?

- I haven't the vaguest idea.
- What about the length of time?

It depends on the period of absorption.
It's quite possible that...

- Hm. Touch of dizziness.
- And you have a slight flush.

Oh, well, that's probably due
to my natural excitement.

Hm. Around 150.

That's odd. Nothing in the mixture
accelerates the heart.

And you feel dizzy, you said?

As a matter of fact, I believe it's increasing.

I'd better record my reactions.

Pulse 150, is that right?

150.

Mounting vertigo.

No nausea.

A sensation not unlike...

a series of small electric shocks. I...

- Jerome? Jerome, where are you?
- I'm here.

- What is it?
- I can't see. I'm blind.

- Go on with the notes.
- This is serious. I'll get help.

I know what I took. If there's an antidote,
we'll have to find it ourselves.

Just take the notes.

It's like a cloud - a very peculiar feeling.

A general milkiness, but no discomfort.

In fact, it's a sensation of
extreme wellbeing. It's as if I...

Doctor? What is it?

A paralysis? Can you speak?

Try tapping one for "yes", two for "no".

Can you hear me? Doctor, can you hear me?

Perfectly. Hand me
the telephone book, please.

- Whose number do you want?
- Let me have the book.

Inglewood Drop Forge and Tool Company,

1065 Westhauser Avenue, Inglewood,

West 6-0945.

It isn't possible!

It is possible, Jerome. For the first time in ten
years, I am able to see without my glasses.

- Perfect vision.
- I can't believe it.

There. Now I'm blind again. Fog. You see?

- Now I can see again.
- Doctor, X-58 seems to be a success.

Oh, indeed it does.

I'll try my bursitis.

Oh, I beg your pardon.

- Not a twinge!
- This is amazing.

Dr Barnaby Fulton, let me shake hands
with the next Nobel Prize winner.

Delighted!

Pardon me. My phone's running over.
Hello? Department of Water and Power.

- Which one would you care to have cut off?
- Hello? Hello?

- Hello!
- Oh, Barnaby.

You sound as if the formula was a success.

Tell me, anybody giving a party
we can stay home from again tonight?

- No one I know of.
- Then pour yourself into that new dress

- and we'll go out and celebrate.
- Don't forget what you have to do.

- What do I have to do?
- First, get a haircut.

- Haircut. Yeah.
- And get a new suit.

- New suit. Yeah.
- Oh, and darling.

Stop by the automobile agency. Mr Peabody
just called and says he has a very good buy.

A good buy, eh? Well, goodbye to you.

Oh, what a joke!

- A real knee-slapper!
- You do feel all right?

I'll get it.

Hello. Griffith Park Zoo,
Snake Department.

Hello? Hello? What is this? This is Mr Oxly.

- I'll see if he's here.
- No, no! This is Oxly.

- Who is?
- I am, speaking.

- Oh, you're Mr Speaking.
- This is Mr Oxly speaking.

- Oxly-Speaking? Any relation to Oxly?
- Barnaby, is that you?

- Who's calling?
- I am, Barnaby!

No, you're not Barnaby.
I'm Barnaby. I ought to know.

- This is Oxly speaking, Barnaby!
- That's ridiculous. You can't be all three.

- Figure out which one you are and call back.
- I'm coming right down there!

- Coming right down, all three of him.
- What will you tell him?

- I won't be here. I've got things to do.
- What?

- Get my hair cut, a new suit, and a new car.
- Mr Oxly will be furious. What do I tell him?

- Tell him you don't know who he is.
- Doctor, I can't say that.

- Just keep your Bunsen burning.
- But, Doctor...

- Where's Dr Fulton? I want to see him.
- He just left, Mr Oxly.

- I didn't pass him in the hall.
- He went through the window.

- What's happened to the man?
- He took some of the formula,

and went out acting almost as though -
no, exactly as though he were 20 years old.

20... By George! By George!
Do you know where he went?

- Yes, sir.
- Hello? Get me...

- Get me Miss Laurel, quick! Where'd he go?
- To buy a new automobile, sir.

- What car does he drive?
- A Ford.

Hello, Miss Laurel. Now, listen carefully.

I want you to go to every Ford agency
in town, and find Dr Fulton.

But, Mr Oxly, which shall I do first?

He'll be at the agencies.
To find him, you'll have to go there.

Oh, I see, Mr Oxly.

- And bring him back here!
- Yes, sir. Right away.

Well, Doctor, I cut it
the way you wanted me to.

- I hope Mrs Fulton likes it.
- She will.

- What do you think?
- It fits rather well.

But are you sure it's what you want?

Well... Tell me, do they ever
wear trousers to match?

Oh, very seldom.

Usually grey flannels.

Oh! These socks ought to go well with it.

To be honest, Dr Fulton,
I don't think either you or Mrs Fulton

are going to be happy with this type of car.

- It isn't exactly what you had in mind.
- No, you're perfectly right.

- Let's take off the fenders.
- We can't. It's against the state law.

Oh, it's too bad. Well...

Say, you don't happen to have
a beaver tail around, do you? I...

Hello, Miss Laurel!

Oh, hello, Dr Fulton.

Hi!

Hi.

- I'm so glad I found you.
- No, I found you. Pick a finger.

- Dr Fulton!
- Oh, you know that one.

- Yes.
- Oh, what a pity.

Mr Oxly sent me.
He wants to see you right away.

Oh. Well, hop in the bus.
I'll get you there in a hurry.

- Is this your car?
- Sure.

- Gee! It's a honey.
- Well, it takes one to know one.

Mr Peabody, would you get
that suit box out of my old car, please?

- Well, all set?
- Is your motor running?

- Is yours?
- Here you are, Doctor.

- Oh, thank you. Just mail me the bill.
- Certainly.

- Takes a while to warm up.
- Does me, too.

Watch your head. I'll watch everything else.

Oh, Dr Fulton, this is fun. What about
Mr Oxly? The plant's back that way.

I know. We're going to circle the field,
so fasten your safety belt, and no smoking.

- Oh, Doctor!
- Look and see if the flaps are down.

- Well, Doc, she'll be good as new by five.
- Five o'clock?

Oh, we can do lots of things by then.

- Can't we?
- Sure, Doc.

- Come along.
- Do you skate much now?

Oh, not lately. But don't worry,
I'll show you how.

Look out, Doc.

Careful!

Oh, I'll get the hang of it soon.
I'm gonna be good, you wait.

Oh, look out! Help!

Doc! That's awful high.

Oh, no, not for me.
Well, everybody looking at me?

- How about some music?
- I'd love it.

- You sure know how to have a good time.
- Yeah.

You know something?
I used to think you didn't like me.

- Just a minute.
- Do you like me a little?

- Well, say so.
- I like you.

- I'm crazy about you, Doc.
- Oh, no, no.

Listen to this.

- Oh, that's dull.
- Don't you dare turn that off!

- That's our favourite song.
- "Ours"?

- Yeah. Edwina's and mine.
- Edwina?

- My wife.
- Oh.

~ Gentlemen songsters off on a spree ~

- ~ Doomed from... ~
- I must say it sounds like a silly song to me.

- Why must you say that?
- In my opinion, it's a silly song.

Well, in my opinion, your opinion
that it's a silly song is a silly opinion.

Oh!

- Is it getting dark?
- No, not particularly.

- What's the matter?
- Must be something wrong with my eyes.

- Is there anything I can do, Doctor?
- No, no.

- I just can't see very well.
- Please don't be angry with me.

- Oh, I'm not angry. I...
- Because I wouldn't...

Why did you yell?

Because...

Nothing.

- Don't be mad at me, Doc.
- Oh, I'm not mad.

- Tell me, is the plant along here somewhere?
- Yes.

- Would you please tell me where to turn?
- Turn right.

Now.

- Turn, Doctor, turn!
- Now?

- Yes! Turn! Turn!
- Which way?

- Doctor!
- Are you all right, Miss Laurel?

- I told you to turn.
- Yes, I know. I'm terribly sorry, but...

I'm afraid I can't see.

- Would you park the car for me, please?
- Sure I will.

Thank you.

- Hello, Mrs Fulton.
- Joe. Is the doctor in his office?

Yes, ma'am. He'd gone to sleep,
so I didn't wake him up.

Oh... Does Mr Oxly know
that the doctor's come back?

- Yes, ma'am. He said he'd be down.
- Thank you, Joe.

- Who is it?
- It's me, darling.

Oh, hello, Edwina. I can't see you.

- Where are your glasses?
- Let me think. Oh, I left them in the lab.

- Jerome probably put them someplace.
- I'll find them.

Oh, here they are.

Barnaby, are you sure you're all right? Here.

- Where?
- Here.

- I'm just a little fuzzy. What time is it?
- It's almost eight o'clock.

Oh, no. It's that late?

I've done it again.
We were going out for dinner.

I've already had my dinner,
but I've brought some for you.

- Edwina, I'm terribly sorry. I wouldn't have...
- I know you wouldn't have, darling.

- Where'd you get the poodle?
- Poodle? Don't tell me I bought a poodle.

- The haircut.
- Oh, yeah. That. That. Oh, yeah.

- That's, uh, quite a jacket you bought, too.
- Yeah, I know, I know.

- Wait till you see the car I got.
- What kind?

You'll see it soon enough.

You were a real idiot to try the formula.
Something could have happened.

- It did.
- I mean something serious. Here.

Thank you. Oh!

I strained every muscle
in my body. Roller-skating.

- Don't tell me you went roller-skating!
- I'm afraid I did.

And your face is
breaking out with red blotches.

They're not blotches, dear. That's lipstick.

- Oh!
- Yeah.

Edwina, what I have
to tell you is unbelievable.

Yes, it is unbelievable on roller skates.
Mm. What balance.

- I wasn't on roller skates all afternoon.
- Obviously.

No. You'd never believe
what I did. I broke records.

- Huh?
- I wish you could have been there.

- I wish I had been, too.
- I did things that I never dreamed I'd do.

You know, I tried the swan dive. I missed.

Well, no wonder you're worn out.

Barnaby, all of this is very confusing.
What about the formula?

- That's what I was telling you about.
- Oh...

- Oh!
- I'll start at the beginning.

At 11.52 this morning,
I took a dose of the formula,

and in a few minutes
I began to behave like a college boy,

with 20l20 vision and no bursitis.

- And plenty of lipstick.
- The formula had nothing to do with that.

I'll get to that later.

Edwina, we've discovered something

the human race has been
searching for since the beginning of time.

- Are you really serious, Barnaby? It works?
- Well, it did on me.

Of course, I can't explain the reactions.
It seems to work on the mind.

Edwina, imagine. People never ageing.

It sounds frightening.
You mean it really does that?

Well... Of course,
I don't know half of what it'll do.

The dose I took has already worn off.
Now, let me see, that was eight hours...

Hm. Probably the dose was wrong.

- We'll see.
- Where are you going?

I'm going to try the experiment again,
but with a larger dose.

Huh? Oh!

Switch on the light, will you, please, dear?

Barnaby?

- Must you make another test?
- Oh, probably several.

I'm glad you're here to see
nothing goes wrong.

I want you to observe
and make notes of everything I do.

You'll be able to interpret
the exact meaning of my behaviour pattern.

Don't you think you ought to change that
coat, and wipe that stuff off your face?

- Perhaps you're right.
- By the way, whose lipstick is it?

Oh, uh, whatshername's - Oxly's secretary.

Oh. You mean that little pin-up girl?

- Very cute.
- Sort of. But half infant.

- Not the half that's visible.
- Well, she's not my type.

Barnaby, how much of this stuff
are you going to take?

Just what I've poured out there.
I've increased the dose. In that way I'll be...

Edwina, what are you doing?

What did you do that for?

This is the way it should be! You're the
scientist, and you should do the observing.

- But...
- Don't argue! Get your notebook.

- Oh, it tastes bitter. Get me some water.
- Now, really, Edwina. For heaven's sake!

Besides, according to your story, you weren't
exactly 100% scientist after you took it.

- Other things became much more interesting.
- Perhaps you're right.

Oh! Even the water tastes bitter.

It did to me, too.

Barnaby? I'm a little bit frightened.

- I'm here, dear.
- It's kinda silly, isn't it?

I'll take care of you.

I don't feel anything.
Is it supposed to work right away?

Just a few moments.

Would you clean off your face?

Because if I get ten years younger
and see that lipstick,

- I'm liable to knock somebody's block off.
- Oh, yes, dear.

Barnaby! Is it true about B-4? I've just
heard the most fantastic things about you.

- Does it work?
- You'll have a chance to judge for yourself.

My wife just took 50cc of the formula.

Really? By George! By George! Dr Brunner
and Miss Laurel are on their way.

They're to come in here immediately.

Mrs Fulton, it's very kind of you
to lend yourself to this experiment.

Thank you, Mr Oxly.

Well, we have to watch
your reactions, darling.

Yes, I suppose so.

Now I know how
a poor little guinea pig must feel.

- May I sit down?
- Yes, dear.

Well, don’t just stand there. Do something!

Yes, dear.

Mm.

Pulse around 150.
That's the same as mine was.

- No sign of any fever.
- Outside of being embarrassed,

I feel exceedingly well.

What reaction do you expect, Barnaby?

I don't quite know. I suppose
it depends on the individual.

With you it took the form of
thinking as though you were 20.

- Keep still, Edwina.
- What was Mrs Fulton like at that age?

Huh?

Well, Edwina was
a very serious-minded student.

She majored in economics and took
summer courses in ichthyology and cooking.

- Ichthyology?
- Mm. The study of fish.

Jerome said your first symptom was
your eyes. Your vision became perfect.

That's true, but you can't count upon that.
Edwina's vision is already perfect.

It will probably take an entirely different form.

My dear, do you feel anything strange?

Not a thing. How about you, Mr Oxly?

- Oh, but I haven't taken anything.
- Oh, yes, you have, Mr Oxly.

You hear that, Barnaby?
A rather odd reaction.

Undoubtedly we can expect something soon.

- We certainly can.
- She's sitting very still.

- Is it possible there's not enough movement?
- Well, there soon will be.

I can hardly wait for the results.
This is quite a moment.

That's it, Oxly!
Watch him, Barnaby! It's working!

Did you hear what
she said, Barnaby? It's taking effect.

- Something wrong, Barnaby.
- What's the matter, sir?

Perhaps the excitement's been
too much for you. You ought to sit down.

Now, calm yourself, Mr Oxly.

Now, take your time, Mr Oxly.

That's better. Take your time and sit down.

- Oh, my!
~ Oh, my, gimme a piece of pie ~

~ Ee, aye, gimme a piece of pie ~

Uh, I think we ought to go now.

I think we ought to go, yes.

- Barnaby, where are you going?
- I'll be right back, Mr Oxly.

Yes, dear, ye...

- Hi, Dr Fulton.
- Hi.

What did you say to her?

- Mrs Fulton, he said "Hi".
- I heard what he said,

- you peroxide kissing bug!
- Edwina! She hasn't done anything.

I'll pull that blond hair out by its black roots!

- Edwina! Miss Laurel, keep out of the way.
- Put 'em up!

- Now, stop it! Mr Oxly, I'll be right back.
- Put 'em up! Put 'em up!

Wasn't that fun? Did you see him jump?
I put a fish in his trousers!

- Let's go back.
- No, Edwina.

Why not? Where are we going?
Let's go dancing!

- Edwina...
- Let's go back.

All right, we'll go dancing. Anything you say.

- Is this our new car?
- I'm afraid it is.

- That's super-duper!
- You like it?

Why, yes!

Why don't you let me drive? Get over there.

I know! We'll go dancing
at the Pickwick Arms.

- Pickwick Arms?
- Yeah, in La Jolla. Don't you remember?

Of course I remember. Room 304,
where we spent our honeymoon.

All that way?

Yeah. We'll stop by the house
and get some things. Won't it be fun?

Just to go dancing?

Edwina? I've put the bags in the car,
and we can keep your coat on the...

Barnaby, do you think
this is too conservative?

- Well, I...
- What do you think?

- Say something!
- Well, I...

I'm glad you like it. I'll drive. You're too slow.

How do you work this?
Oh, yeah. Shift it right back.

Oh, Barney! It's gonna be
our honeymoon night all over again.

- With no hands!
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Honeymoon with no hands. Yeah, sure.
- Aren't you excited?

Yes, of course, dear,
but there's no hurry about it.

Wouldn't you like to slow down
so that we can talk?

Who wants to talk?

Edwina, I have to test your reactions.

- Oh, Barney!
- Oh, honestly!

It's wonderful to have the wind in your hair,
and watch the moon, and the stars...

- And the road.
- Oh. The road.

- Good evening, sir.
- Good evening.

- Would you like to register?
- Yes, please.

Do you have a small suite
overlooking the ocean?

- Uh... Yes, sir.
- Thank you.

- Psst! Psst!
- I beg your pardon?

- Psst!
- Oh.

- Is room 304 vacant?
- Yes.

That's the bridal suite, you know.

- Yes, I know.
- Psst!

Oh, yes. Could you please leave word
that we're not to be disturbed?

Yes, sir.

- 304.
- Come along, dear.

- Thank you very much.
- Yes, indeed.

- Edwina. Edwina, dear.
- Honey, listen to that! Let's not waste time.

- Let him take the bags on up.
- It's 11 o'clock. I've had a very rough day.

- Oh, Barney! You promised.
- Yes... Oh, oh, oh.

Put the keys in the room,
bring me the bags, and...

~ We're poor little lambs ~

~ Who have lost our way ~

~ Baa... ~

Barney! Barney, don't go to sleep.

- This is our song.
- Oh. Yes, dear.

~ We're little black sheep ~

~ Who have gone astray ~

Barney? Every time I hear it,
it makes me feel...

Darling, I could never be mad
or unhappy when I hear it.

- I just want to be near you.
- Yes, dear.

Barney! Waltz, waltz, waltz!

Yes, dear.

Oh, no!

Oh, come on, Edwina.

Ha-ha! Whee!

Get up, Edwina.

Edwina. Get up, Edwina. Get up.

Help me up.

- Whee! That was fun. Try it.
- I wouldn't think of it.

Go on! Try it!

- Just... Please, dear.
- I know where the key is.

It's here. You usually keep it here.
Right there. See?

OK. Here we go.

Open the door. Hooray!

Edwina, aren't you beginning
to feel tired at all?

Not a bit. Why?
Do you wanna go someplace?

Oh, no. No, no. I was thinking,
you know, I should make a few tests.

- Check your blood pressure and heart...
- Oh, Barnaby!

- Not tonight.
- Edwina, in making such an experiment,

- it's good to make as few...
- Barney?

- What?
- Are you sure you really love me?

Of course I do. Whatever
made you ask such a question?

Well, it just occurred to me.

Now, does that answer your question?

You know, I love you so much
it makes me dizzy.

Really? When did that start?

- The first time I ever met you.
- No, no. I mean the dizziness.

I don't know. This is our honeymoon night,
and that's all I care to think about.

Barney? Barney, what are you going to do?

- I'm just going to put on my pyjamas.
- Well, uh...

Uh... Don't you think
you'd better change in there?

- What for?
- Well, uh...

That's all right. I'll...
I'll take my things in the bathroom.

For heaven's sake.

I'll only be a few minutes.

"Became suddenly shy."
Better put that down.

15 minutes to change.

Complete reversal of usual behaviour pattern.

Edwina? Edwina, are you all right?

- Yes, darling. I'll be out in a second.
- Oh. Good.

Oh, Barney, I'm so happy.

What's the matter? Why are you crying?

I can't help it.

- Well, is it something I said, or did?
- No.

Well, what is it, then?

- I was just thinking.
- What about?

Mother!

Oh, Mother. Now I understand.

No, you don't!

- Well, what is it, then?
- I can't help thinking

how she must be feeling tonight.

- She never liked you.
- Well, she doesn't try very hard, either.

- I do everything I can to please her.
- How can you be so insensitive?

She had such wonderful dreams
for me and my future.

- Well, she can still have them, can't she?
- No, she can't. She can't!

Edwina, we drove down here
to enjoy ourselves,

and to pursue an important
scientific experiment.

Let's not spoil it all by having
a silly quarrel about nothing.

- Don't you call my mother "nothing".
- I didn't call your mother "nothing".

Don't you raise your voice to me!

- I'm not raising my voice!
- Hank Entwhistle wouldn't fly into a rage

just because a girl
happened to mention her mother.

What's Hank Entwhistle
got to do with anything?

I only mention Hank Entwhistle
because my mother was very fond of him.

- He knew how to please her.
- There's something clinical

about the way you bring up Hank
every time you get annoyed with me.

- Do you regret not having married him?
- Look who's talking!

What about Elvira Bliss?

Elvira Bliss? That was in grammar school.

I know. She was the teacher.

I suppose Myra McKillip
was in grammar school, too,

and Miriam Ingals, whom you tried
to teach to play golf for three years!

- That reminds me. She's still got my putter.
- And you dare speak of Hank Entwhistle,

who only kissed me once.

He kissed you? That's something
you never saw fit to tell me before.

- You kissed Hank Entwhistle?
- I never said that!

- I said he kissed me. I never kissed him!
- You did say exactly that.

- I said nothing of the kind!
- No, no! Agh!

- My glasses.
- You struck me. You struck me!

- No, I didn't!
- You horrible man! You brute!

You get out of my room!

Get out of my room!
Get out of my room!

Oh, no, no, no. Edwina,
now, stop it. Now, really.

Edwina, this is ridiculous.
You know I can't see.

Edwina, please! Let me in. Do you realise
that I'm out here in the hall, and I...

Oh, no! Oh, no.

Edwina, something's caught
in the door. Please, let me in.

- Well, it's your own fault.
- Please, let me in.

No!

Oh, if there was only some way
I could make her understand.

Oh, I know. Edwina?

Edwina, dear, listen to me.

~ We're poor little lambs ~

~ Who have lost our way ~

~ Baa, baa, baa ~

Edwina? Edwina?

Edwina. Edwina, please!

Operator?

Edwina, I can't stay out here any longer.

Oh, well.

Oh.

Oh, you unlocked the door. It's about time.

Now, dear, if you'll just cooperate, we'll...

Help! Police! There's a man!

Oh, dear. I wish I knew
where there was a telephone.

Oh! Perhaps there's one in here.

Hm! You'd think there'd be
a telephone somewhere.

Oh.

Ohh!

Oh, let me in, Edwina. Let me in.

- The key's in the car, ma'am.
- All right. Thank you very much.

- How's that, mister? All right?
- Yes. Now...

Barnaby! Oh, my poor darling.

- Edwina, is that you?
- Darling, I've looked everywhere for you.

- What are you doing here?
- Getting out of the laundry.

- Laun?
- These ladies were kind enough to help me.

- Thank you very much. I'll be all right now.
- We're glad to help.

- Any time at all, mister.
- Oh, I hope I don't do it again.

- Do you want to go in and change?
- Oh, no, no, no. Please, just take me home.

The car's right over here.

- How did you get in the laundry?
- I don't know. I think I flew in.

- Look out for the step.
- But I didn't have my glasses.

Yes, I know. I stepped on them.
Here. You'd better put this on.

- What for?
- Because you might get cold.

That's it. There. Now, get in.

- Are you all right?
- Yes, thank you, dear. Are you?

Yes. The effects of the formula have worn off.

Don't talk. Just relax and try
to get some sleep, huh?

Yes, dear.

- Darling?
- Hm?

- We're home. Wake up.
- Oh, good, good, good.

- I'll help you.
- I just had a peculiar dream about Hank.

Was that true about you kissing him?
Not that it matters.

Darling, I'm so sor...

Oh, I just remembered. I did something
terrible, and I forgot to tell you.

- Hey!
- Who's that?

- Hold it.
- Did you get it?

Dr Fulton, we're from the News.

- We'd like a statement.
- What about?

We had a call from
your lawyer, Mr Entwhistle.

I wish Hank wouldn't give statements
to the press about my work.

- Give us the whole story, Doc.
- Barney, I...

Darling, I can't be impolite. I have nothing to
say until I've finished all my experiments.

- Is there another woman, Doc?
- Oh, no.

My wife has been my only victim so far.

I'll have a much better story for you
when I've experimented with 10 or 20 others.

I'm not going to try it again with
human beings. I'll stick to chimpanzees.

- Is that right?
- You're talking about two different things.

What happened?
Did your wife raid your love nest?

- Don't answer that!
- Don't try to protect him.

- This is good for our side.
- What are you doing here?

- Get inside!
- Don't do that. This is all the story I've got.

- That's all you're going to get, too.
- What is the idea of making statements?

- Don't pretend you don't know the reason.
- I tried to tell you...

- You know the reason very well!
- It all happened at the hotel last night.

Keep your distance, Fulton!
If you lay a hand on her...

Hank, will you please shut up
and go home! Barnaby, I've tried to...

- Mother!
- Well!

- Oh, no.
- Edwina, Hank told me.

- I expected you to be bruised and disfigured.
- Mother, you don't understand.

- What is everyone talking about?
- Stay away from her, you wife beater!

- It isn't what you think. It's all my fault.
- No, Edwina. I won't...

- Hank, please shut up!
- Edwina...

- And you, too, Mother!
- As your lawyer...

Hank, you are going.
You are just one too many!

- But you told me that...
- I know I did.

- What is it you want me to do?
- I'll telephone you. Now, go on.

- Now, listen here, you two...
- No! You listen to me.

I won't let you throw away
the rest of your life.

- Edwina, what's been going on?
- Barnaby, if you'll...

I knew something like this would happen!

- Edwina, will you please tell me...
- Quiet!

Mother, I've been playing guinea pig
for Barnaby, trying a new formula.

And, under its influence,
I caused all this mess.

Oh! Oh, you mean you telephoned Hank?

Yes, darling.
I did that last night after you left.

- I'm terribly sorry, but I couldn't help it.
- I don't suppose it was your fault.

Oh, don't let him dominate you again!
Do something. Do anything, but...

- My... my... my dear mother-in-law.
- Yes?

Now, I have not lost my temper
with you for seven years.

- Do not trifle with your luck.
- Well! Let's be civilised about this.

That's better. Just mind
your business, and shut up!

- Will you drive me to the plant, please?
- Right away?

Yeah. I'll put on some clothes and try to
salvage some of the wreckage of our lives.

- Well! I...
- Mother, I think you'd better be quiet.

- Hello, Jerome.
- Good morning, Mrs Fulton.

- Doctor, I looked everywhere for you...
- Later, Jerome.

- I'd like to have the laboratory to myself.
- Oh, yes. Very well, Doctor.

Edwina, my spare glasses are in the top
drawer of the desk. Would you get them?

Certainly, dear. Here? Oh, yes. Here they are.

Darling, you're acting rather stern.

Are you angry at me
because of what I did last night?

Edwina, I've thought this over very carefully,
and I've almost come to a conclusion.

I'm thinking of destroying the formula.

Destroying it? Then you are angry.

Oh, I've been in better moods.

Do you think you'd feel any better
if I fixed you some toast and coffee?

Thank you. I'm starved.
The coffee and coffee pot are in there.

- You can use this plug that Jerome uses.
- All right.

I've decided that the formula is the most
dubious discovery since itching powder.

- And just about as useful.
- Oh, I wouldn't say that.

It cured your bursitis, it improved
your vision. It made you feel young.

Hm! I'm beginning to wonder if
being young is all it's cracked up to be.

We dream of youth. We remember it
as a time of nightingales and valentines,

and what are the facts?

Maladjustment, near-idiocy, and a series
of low-comedy disasters, that's what youth is.

I don't see how anyone survives it.

Edwina, tell me something,
because it's been bothering me.

- Yes, dear?
- Why did you want a divorce?

Oh, Barnaby! It wasn't me, it was the formula.
You ought to understand that.

Oh, I understand it was
the formula that brought it out.

- Brought what out?
- Some subconscious aversion to me.

Aversion to you?

I love you, you potato-head!

How do I know there's no buried resentment
that you don't consciously realise?

I certainly don't consciously realise it,

and I think that's pretty rotten
of you to say that.

What about the way
you kept bringing up Hank?

Hogwash!

- Do you love him?
- Now, that is ridiculous!

- You kissed him, didn't you?
- You can't get it out of your mind, can you?

- No, I can't.
- Well, all right.

Are you in love with this, um, whosits?

- Of course not!
- Well, you went smooching with her.

On roller skates. And what was your hidden
aversion or subconscious discontent,

or whatever it is you want to call it, that
made you go playing patty-cake with her?

Doing a swan dive! Acting like a...

Well, go on.

Oh, Barnaby.

Don't say anything, darling,
and I won't, either.

We shouldn't be fighting,
having doubts about our marriage.

- That isn't right.
- That's just my point.

That's why I'm going to destroy the formula.

Oh, now, really! Are you crying?

Are you sure you want to throw away
two years of hard work?

Yes, I am. But it's still
in my head, unfortunately.

I'm going to forget it. It's too dangerous,
it's utterly unpredictable.

Please, don't use this water.
Can't you see the sign?

Just use the bottled water out of the cooler.

And make plenty of coffee.
I need a lot this morning.

That's that.

Hello? This is Mr Oxly.

Mr Oxly, Dr Fulton's here in the plant.
He just came in with Mrs Fulton.

- Are you sure?
- Yes, sir.

Well, how is Mrs Fulton?
Is she behaving normally?

Well, she didn't try to hit me,
but she wasn't very polite.

- She said that...
- Never mind. Listen carefully, Miss Laurel.

I don't want them to leave. Have the guards
hold 'em if they try to go, you understand?

And notify the directors that I want to see
them in the conference room immediately.

- I'll be right down.
- Yes, sir.

- This is funny-tasting coffee. It's bitter.
- Yeah, I noticed it.

It's not the coffee,
it's the aftereffects of the formula.

The formula! What a fool I was
to let you take that stuff last night.

Well, you couldn't help it.
Hey, that's your third cup.

I know it. That's your second cup, isn't it?

- Yes.
- Good.

Supposing you'd taken an overdose.

- Perhaps I did.
- No, no, I mean a serious overdose.

You know, it's perfectly logical to assume
you'd have behaved even younger.

- Remember Mr Oxly jumping around?
- Yeah.

My, I'm going to be embarrassed
when I see him again.

How young do you think it could really
make you if you drank a whole glassful?

Oh, I don't know.

Twelve... ten... five.

It might even turn you into an infant.

I'm just imagining you not being
able to talk, or feed yourself, or even...

- Could be very embarrassing.
- Yeah, couldn't it be?

Well, it's just about what could happen.

Ta-da! I'll get it.

Hello?

Hi! Hey, did you ever find the fish?

What did you do with him?
Ha! Yeah, I'm keen. He's here.

It's old Oxly.

What's on your mind?

Ha-ha-ha.

Could you and your wife
meet me right away?

- We're drinking coffee.
- I'll be in the conference room.

We'll be right there. Put that back, please.
Put that back, please.

Any other orders, sir? Going up?

Good morning, gentlemen. Dr Fulton
will be here shortly, so please be seated.

We must act quickly. You all know why
you're here - to negotiate for his formula.

As far as money goes, I say hang the expense.

But, as chairman, I want to point out that
Fulton made his discovery on our time.

I've got bad news for you, GJ.
We do not have the formula.

- What?
- Last night, Dr Lintel...

- Dr Lenton, sir.
- Dr Lenton, Dr Fulton's assistant,

brought me a dose
of the formula, and I took it.

I can't tell you with what eagerness
I awaited the results.

But there were none. No reactions at all.

The formula that Dr Thingumabob
brought me is incomplete.

There must be another ingredient
he knows nothing about.

Dr Fulton has made no record of it, and
nothing in his notes tells us what it is.

- Without it, we are helpless.
- Failure to keep complete records

is against every rule of this organisation.

Fulton knows that. He's been here ten years!

It may not be intentional.
Fulton was not himself yesterday.

- No, definitely not.
- Let's hope he's himself now.

There is no doubt about it. We are now
dealing with a sane and adult scientist,

and I anticipate no difficulties.

Well?

- All right, Oliver. Go ahead. It's up to you.
- I wonder what's keeping them.

- Doctor, would you mind taking a look?
- Yes, sir.

Oh, Barnaby, Mrs Fulton, come on in.

- Uh...
- What's the matter?

Now, come on in, Mrs Fulton.

Forget all about last night.
I assure you, I have. Come in.

Always experimenting, aren't you?

I believe you know everybody here.

Yes.

Take a seat. Make yourself comfortable.

Mrs Fulton, won't you sit over here?

- Do I have to?
- No.

I wanna sit here.

All right.

Barnaby, I think I speak
for everyone here when I say

I consider you one of
the great men of modern science.

I asked you to come here today
to discuss the sale of your formula.

Our organisation...

Our organisation is ready
to offer you a block of stock,

the income from which is sufficient
to keep you and Mrs Fulton...

...to keep you and Mrs Fulton
in comfort for the rest of your lives.

Now, the question is,
how much cash do you want?

Barnaby, I said how much cash do you want?

How much?

- Oh!
- Name any amount.

- A zillion dollars.
- How much did he say?

- A zillion dollars. A million trillion.
- He's taken it again!

- Obviously.
- Look here, Fulton.

Your discovery was our property.
We don't have to give you a cent.

- I wish I had a nickel.
- I'll blackball you out of the industry!

- You're talking to a child, GJ.
- Don't be ridiculous. He's no child!

Put 'em up! Here, give me something.

- Knock that off my shoulder!
- When we get mad, we don't fight, do we?

- Yes, we do.
- They didn't teach you that in school.

Hi!

- Hello, Dr Fulton.
- Have you come to play with me?

- No. I came to tell Mr Oxly...
- Miss Laurel, I think you'd better go.

No! I want her to stay and play with me.

If I let her stay, will you tell me
the missing ingredient?

- Yes! Yes!
- All right, go ahead.

Well! Well... All right. Say "terrify".

- Terrify.
- Say "tissue".

- Tissue.
- Say them both fast.

- Terrify tissue.
- No!

- How dare you!
- Oh, goody, goody!

- Why, Miss Laurel...
- Mr Oxly...

- But I...
- Don't you do that!

You too!

I did it! I fixed her! I shot her!

- Now you've spoiled everything!
- See her run? She's a scaredy-cat.

Little girl, stop it. Do you hear me? Stop it!

Now, you come over here. You sit
in that chair and behave yourself.

- You understand? Behave yourself.
- Yes, sir.

Now, Barnaby...

- Barnaby, where are you?
- He's under the table.

- Barnaby, what are you doing under there?
- Tickling Esther.

- Come on out. I wanna talk to you.
- I don't think we want to talk any more.

GJ, we're dealing with a ten-year-old.
We've got to humour him.

- If you say so, Oliver.
- Come and help me.

Don’t just stand there!

- Barnaby, I wanna talk to you.
- You want to tickle Esther? She likes it.

No, no. How would you like to have
a nice gold watch and chain of your own?

- Would you like that?
- I've got one.

- But not like this one.
- I don't want it.

- Would you like a new bicycle, or a pony?
- Yes, how would you like that?

- Oh. What do I have to do for it?
- All you have to do

is to tell us what was the ingredient
you put in the formula.

Oh... Well, you promised me
a zillion dollars. And a nickel.

- We'll give you a zillion dollars.
- And a nickel.

- And a motorboat, and a new pony!
- How would you like that?

- When?
- As soon as you tell us

- what the ingredient was that you added.
- That's simple. I just added...

Oh! Now look what you've...

- Barnaby! Aren't you gonna tell us?
- What'd you wanna write that for?

- Because it's true!
- It isn't, and you're gonna erase it!

Barnaby! You promised
to give me the ingredient.

- You can't make me!
- Barnaby!

- Head her off!
- Barnaby!

- I'll tell my mother!
- Stop her, someone!

Barnaby can't catch me!
- Help me catch her!

- If we catch her, will you tell us?
- Sure!

- Somebody stop her! Catch her!
- Protection!

- What was it?
- Heat!

- I heated the mixture to 150° Fahrenheit.
- By George, we've got it!

- No fair! No fair!
- Now I've got you!

- Go on, you erase it!
- No, I won't!

- You're hurting me! Let go!
- You big crybaby! You erase it.

Esther, what are you doing up there?
Come down!

- Mr Oxly! They're getting away.
- Let them go, Dr Lentil.

You heard him. We've got what
we wanted. That's all that matters.

- But, Oxly, we've got to be sure...
- Don't bother me now!

We're standing on the brink
of a new world, and... What is it?

Mr Oxly, I heated the formula
I gave to you last night.

- Get that monkey down! What did you say?
- I heated the formula. It didn't do any good.

He's fooled us again! Well, don't stand there!

Go and catch him! Run after him!
Get a policeman! Get two policemen!

When are you gonna stop tagging after me?

- When I want to.
- Why don't you go play with girls?

- Why can't I play with you?
- Cos I don't want you to, that's why.

- Barnaby Fulton, I don't like you.
- Then go away.

I will not, so there.

Then don't go away.

Hm!

I'll tell my mother!

Here's one for your mother.

I'll tell Hank Entwhistle!

Here's two for Hank Entwhistle.

Oh, now, look what you've done!
I'm gonna tell Hank Entwhistle!

Hey! Leave that paintbrush here!

Crybaby!

He's gonna be sorry for what he did.

Very, very sorry.

I'm gonna call Hank Entwhistle.
That's what I'll do.

I'll call Hank.

Hello?

- I wanna speak to Hank Entwhistle, please.
- You mean Mr Entwhistle?

That's what I said.

I'll show him. I'll sh...

- Hello?
- Hello, Hank?

- This is Edwina.
- Oh, hello, Edwina.

- Will you come over to my house right away?
- What's the matter?

It's Barnaby.

He threw a whole bucket of paint all over me.

See?

- What did you do?
- I didn't do a thing.

He must have gone mad.

I don't ever wanna see him again!

Are you gonna go through with it
this time and really leave him?

Yes, I'm going to go away, far, far away.

I'm gonna go away, and...

Hello? Hello, Edwina?
Edwina, what's the matter?

Huh? Oh.

I don't know. I just suddenly felt very sleepy.

That's shock, Edwina.
I saw a lot of it in the army.

Lie down and keep warm. It'll go away
in a few minutes, and I'll be right over.

Goodbye.

So he's coming over here, huh?

What'll I do to him?

That's what I'll do!
I'll get my gang and I'll scalp him!

Hank Entwhistle!

You wait till you see what I do to him!
I'll scalp him, that's what I'm gonna do.

Big chief! Big chief!

I'll fix him! I'll show him!

- Oh, Dr Fulton!
- Sh!

I'm just getting this to scalp a man! Sh!

The things some people think of...

Morning, Mrs Brannigan.
Are you gonna be here for a while?

- Another hour or so.
- Would you watch Johnny?

- I have to go to the market.
- Sure, I'll watch him for ya.

- I won't be long.
- All right.

Come on, Johnny. Here we go.

Here. There's a nice big yard here to play in.

You all right? OK.

What do you want us to do
with the bad man, Red Eagle?

- Yeah, Red Eagle. Tell us.
- First we stop his car, and then capture him.

- Then what do we do with him?
- Let's tie him to a stake!

- And then burn him!
- Yeah, and burn him good!

- That won't work.
- Who said that?

I did.

Oh, you. Why won't it work?

Somebody will stop us the minute
we light a fire. They always do.

Yeah, that's right.
What do you say, Red Eagle?

Well, let's tie him to a stake
and scalp him! That's it!

- You mean for real?
- Sure!

Can't scalp anybody
unless you do a war dance first.

Oh. Well, just a minute. I'll...

Now, remember that. You two braves...

Can't scalp anybody
unless you do a war dance first.

- He's right, Red Eagle.
- Well... We can scalp him, can't we?

You have to do a war dance first.

- Do you know a war dance, Red Eagle?
- Uh...

Sure!

That's no good.
You gotta sing when you do it.

Oh. Oh, you gotta sing.

Well, all right, we'll sing!
You with the drum. Give me a beat.

Like, uh, bom-bom-bom-bom.

You sing.
~ Me wantum wampum ~

~ Me wantum wampum ~

You sing too. You go "Ug!"

~ Me wantum wampum ~
- Ug!

~ Me wantum wampum ~

Ugga-ugga-goo-goo ugga-ugga-goo-goo!

- Ugga-ugga-goo-goo!
~ Me wantum wampum ~

You go "A-hi-ho-ho-ho!"

A-hi-ho-ho-ho!

A-hi-ho-ho-ho!

~ Me wantum wampum
Scalpum paleface ~

~ Scalpum paleface
Scalpum paleface ~

Ug! Then you go "A-hoo-hoo-hoo!"

A-hoo-hoo-hoo!

A-hoo-hoo-hoo!

Dee-dee-dee-dee-dee.

Barnaby?!

Darling, speak to me! Say something!

Oh, my darling!

Operator! Operator, get a taxi, will you?

This is 1605 Gilchrist. Send a taxi right away.
Emergency. Thank you.

Darling!

Barnaby?

Are you trying to say something?

Well, speak to me.

Barnaby, I'm your wife. Say something!

Oh, my poor husband.
What have you done to yourself?

- Driver, hurry. Please hurry.
- Yes, ma'am.

Right this way, mister.

- Hello, kids.
- Hi.

Well... Why did Mrs Fulton
say to meet her here?

- She didn't say.
- Was Mr Fulton there?

- I mean at the house.
- He coulda been.

Oh, that's the reason. I see it now.

Mister, will you play with us?

We need a nice tall man to play maypole.

- I'm sorry, but I haven't time now.
- Don't you like children?

- Of course I like children.
- Why are you mean to 'em, then?

- I'm not mean to them.
- Don't you wanna make us happy?

- Of course I do.
- Then play maypole.

I'll play maypole with you
if you go tell Mrs Fulton I'm here.

- OK.
- You're very nice to play maypole with us.

Now, you step right back
here against this tree,

- and hold this up real high.
- All right.

That's fine. Come on!

- I thought you were gonna tell Mrs Fulton.
- Can't I watch for a minute?

No, you promised you'd do it
if I play maypole.

- What was it I promised to tell her?
- You'd tell her that I'm here.

Now, why don't you... Wait a minute.
You're getting this too tight. I can't move.

You can come out now, Red Eagle.

Wah! Ha-ha-ha!

Whoo-hoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Fulton, have you gone
stark raving out of your mind?!

Mrs Fulton, I have a message for you.

- Mr Oxly wants to see you.
- Yes, and I want to see him, too.

Oh, Miss Laurel... Oh, for goodness' sake!

Mr Oxly? Mr Oxly?

You've got to do something
about Barnaby right away.

There, there, little girl. Don't get excited.
Would you like some lemonade?

Mr Oxly, the formula's worn off. I'm not a little
girl any longer. It's Barnaby I'm talking about.

- Well, what is he up to now?
- You've got to bring him back.

I'm trying to bring him back.
I've got everyone trying to find him.

- Do you know where he is?
- He's right here in my arms.

Now, don't cry. Remember,
you're the wife of a great scientist.

Oh, poor Barnaby!
He was so brilliant. Now look at him!

- It's a pretty baby. Is it yours?
- Of course he is.

- I didn't know you had a child.
- Mr Oxly,

- this is Barnaby!
- What?!

I've been trying to tell you!
This is my husband.

You mean the formula's gone
too far and this is the result?

- I can't believe it!
- Well, you've got to do something about it.

By George! By George!

- Oxly speaking.
- Yes, Oliver?

Prepare yourself for a shock, GJ.

Dr Fulton's formula has backfired
and turned him into a baby.

- A complete idiot, huh?
- No, not an idiot, a baby.

- An infant, two feet tall.
- Don't talk rubbish, Oliver!

- I'm not talking rubbish. I can see, can't I?
- I wonder.

We've got to find an antidote, and we can't
until we know what was in the formula.

- Get the truth out of Fulton any way you can.
- Well, come on in here and help me.

- All right, now we've got to find out...
- Sh! Mr Oxly, he's trying to say something.

What are you trying to say, darling?
Well, go ahead, tell me.

- Please try.
- Let me talk to him.

Barnaby, I'm going to speak to you
very slowly so as not to confuse you.

We're going to do everything we can
to help you, but you've got to help, too.

- You understand?
- Barnaby, please listen.

- Try hard.
- This might help. Listen.

He remembers!

He wouldn't take it before, and now he will.

Barnaby, we can't find the antidote
until we know the real formula.

- Don't frighten him.
- I didn't frighten him.

He's being evasive again.

Barnaby, you lied to us about
the missing ingredient. Now, what is it?

Wah.

Oh, Mr Oxly! He can't talk!

Well, what are we going to do?
We can't wait until he grows up. I'll be dead!

Yes, and when he's 20, think how old I'll be.

- Is that the brat you were talking about?
- Yes, GJ. This is Dr Fulton.

Don't you call my husband names!

What are you trying to
put over on Oxly Chemicals?

Stop talking like a fool! I came here for help.
Jerome, you were my husband's colleague.

- Can't you find an antidote?
- I warned him.

- It proves there are no boundaries to science.
- Nonsense!

- That's no more Barnaby Fulton than I am!
- I ought to know my own husband!

Now look what you've done! You've made
him cry! That's all right, darling. Don't cry.

- He's probably tired and sleepy.
- Yes... Sleepy?

- That's a sign that the formula's wearing off.
- Sleep might bring him back to normalcy?

- It did before.
- Oh, bosh!

- Where are you taking him?
- To his laboratory,

so that he can take a nap
on his couch, where he'll feel at home.

Hey, look!

Oh, jiggers! It's the cops!

- Mr Oxly, this is all...
- Sh!

- This is all I could find.
- Give it to Mrs Fulton.

Mrs Fulton, will this do?

Yes, thank you.

Oh, he's cute!

Miss Laurel! Keep your hands
off of him, please!

- I wasn't...
- He's defenceless.

I can't have you touch him.
He's got to get some sleep.

Yes, ma'am.

- He doesn't seem sleepy now.
- Perhaps we should take a blood chem...

Please! Will you please be quiet
and give him a chance!

Yesterday when he took the formula
he had to sleep before he became normal.

And he's got to sleep, Mr Oxly.

- Sometimes I try counting sheep.
- Well, I hardly think he...

Oh! I know what might do it.

Now, listen, Barnaby.

~ We're poor little lambs ~

~ Who have lost our way ~

~ Baa, baa, baa ~

- Silly song.
~ We're little black sheep ~

~ Who have gone astray ~

~ Baa, baa, baa ~

By George, this waiting certainly
takes it out of a man. I need something.

- Got a drink around here, Doctor?
- Mr Oxly, I don't drink.

I didn't ask that. I asked
if you had a drink here.

- Well, for medicinal purposes...
- Just get it.

- Good idea, Oliver.
- I'll get glasses.

- I'll get some water.
- Yes, I like a little water with mine.

- Will you have a drink, Mrs Fulton?
- No, thank you.

A drink comes in pretty handy
sometimes. Water, GJ?

Please. Thanks.

- Well, here's how.
- Here we go.

- Tastes kind of bitter, doesn't it?
- Yes, strange.

- Get rid of that before anyone else drinks it.
- I'll give you a hand.

There's no excuse for having water like that.

See that that cooler's cleaned out
before it's used again.

Well, who are you? Oh, I don't care.
Just move over, there's a good fella.

Oh, I'm so sleepy.

- Wah.
- Please, no familiarity.

Just... just go to sleep.

Oh, Barnaby, darling!

Hm? Oh. Edwina?

I thought I'd lost you.

And now there are two of you.

What do you mean, two of me?
I can't see. My glasses, you know.

Oh, your glasses... Here they are, dear.

Oh, darling, are you all right?

- Yes, thank you, I'm all right.
- Here.

- Who is this?
- I don't know. I thought it was you.

- What do you mean, you thought it was me?
- I carried you in here when you were a baby.

- Oh, that's impossible.
- Don't you remember anything?

Sure. The last thing I...
I was scalping Hank Entwhistle.

Oh, Barnaby!

- What's that?
- I don't know.

- You'd better take this.
- Yes.

Come on, my sweetheart.

You know, we ought to find out who that is.

Yes, indeed. We must.

Dr Fulton! I'm so glad.

- What's going on?
- They've taken it. It was in the water.

- What do you mean?
- The monkey mixed it.

I'll get ya!

Look! I can make a monkey out of Rudolph!

I'll get you back!

No fair using hot water!

Hello, Barnaby! How are you, old boy?
I knew you'd pull out of it.

Here's a contract for you, signed, sealed
and delivered. You're a genius, old boy!

I'm gonna get even with you!

You've got a fire hose there! What's the idea?

Oh, Miss Laurel! Come on in! Join the party!

Come on in!

There he is! There's the man that did it to me!

Mr Oxly, don't splash me!

- Barnaby, can you hear me?
- Yes, dear.

- I've been thinking.
- Ha! I'm just beginning to.

I was wondering, if I had my choice
of living these last three days over again,

- what I'd say.
- Let's hear it. That'd interest me.

Well, we've got a new contract,
we've had a lot of excitement,

now we're going out on the town tonight,
just the two of us.

- That's funny. I can't hear you.
- Oh, I didn't say anything.

- I was just thinking. Thinking about you.
- Care to elaborate on that?

About your not being disappointed when
you found out Esther invented the formula.

Your suspenders would look better up.

Imagine, the secret of youth
locked up in the head of a monkey.

- Think you'll ever find out how to make it?
- I don't know. Esther's working awfully hard.

Darling, why weren't you disappointed?

- Well, I've got a new formula.
- If you start that again, so help me, I'll...

Oh, I like that dress. Yes!

- Oh, you do?
- Uh-huh.

All right, what's the new formula?

Well, it doesn't come in packages or bottles.

You're old only when
you forget you're young.

- Go on, say some more.
- It's a word you keep in your heart,

a light you have in your eyes,
someone you hold in your arms.

My, I'm glad I'm going out with you tonight.

Come here.

- Do you like my formula?
- Mm.

Makes you think, doesn't it?

I could do with a lot of that.

What time did you order the table?

Visiontext Subtitles: Paul Murray