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- James you're fired. - Yes sir.

- Screw off. - Yes sir.

Well, well, well, hello!

Well, well, well George, how are you today?

Glad to see you Harry.

I'm glad to see you sir.

Glad to see you on the job, bright and early.

- Have to work you know. - Oh yes.

It's a nice day isn't it Harry?

Yes, George, I think it's a very nice day.

I just think it's lovely today.

You know, I would, eh...

Looks like it's going to rain a bit Harry.

Oh, what's the matter Mary, you don't look good.

- Oh, I feel terrible. - Aww.

My boss told me today that if I didn't kiss him, he'd fire me.

A girl hasn't got a chance at all.

Oh don't be silly, you have two chances.

Either you kiss him or you don't kiss him.

I know, but what if I don't kiss him?

Well, you still have two chances.

Either you get fired or you don't get fired.

Well, what if I get fired?

Well, uh, well you still have two chances.

Either you starve or you don't starve.

Alright, but what if I starve?

Well, uh, you still have two chances.

Either you die or you don't die.

- Well, what if I die? - You still have two chances.

Either you go to heaven, or you, oh well you better kiss your boss.

Well I never heard of anything so foolish in my whole life.

Aww, well you're silly.

- What's the matter Harry? - Well you don't look good.

Well, I lost quite a bit of money at bridge.

- Bridge? - Huh, never lose.

That's because you haven't got a system.

With me, everything has a system.

Never lose money in bridge, a system.

Never lose money in poker, a system.

Any kind of a card game, a system.

Even a horse has a system, you know Harry.

Eat the right kind of food, never get sick, a system.

Eh, flirt with women, never get my face slapped, a system.

My whole live consists of, everything is a system.

Yeah? Say that's alright. Tell me one of them will ya?

Which one?

Well, the one about flirting with the girls.

- Flirting with the girls. - Yeah.

Well, the first thing you do, you pick out a name

that no girl in the world has, let's say, Mamie Dittenfest.

A girl passes, you tip your hat, you say, I beg your

pardon, is your name Mamie Dittenfest?

And she says no.

You say you look like Mamie, she says I'm not Mamie,

and the first thing you know, the girl takes you out to eat.

It's a cinch.

Say, that's an idea, George,

oh by the way here comes a pretty girl now, let's try it.

- Want to try it? - Yeah.

Alright.

I beg your pardon, is your name Mamie Dittenfest?

- Yes! - It is?

Well, uh I'll see ya later.

Well, I'll see ya later.

Oh now wait just a minute, aren't you the fella,

who took me into a restaurant to eat, and aren't you

the fella paid the $2.00 bill?

Well when I left that restaurant I found $10.00

missing out of my handbag.

I'm not saying you took the money, but I wish you'd pay me back.

Well look, just a minute, you have the details all wrong.

The first place, it wasn't a restaurant it was a cafeteria.

Second place the check wasn't $2.00 it was $1.00,

and the third place, you didn't have $10.00 in your

handbag, you only had five.

- I had ten! - Then you owe me five.

Ohhh well, so long.

So, look, I tell you what if you wait a little while,

I'll take you home in my car.

You know when any goof ever asks me where

I live I always tell him I live in the country.

- Oh where do you live? - In the country.

- Well so long. - So long.

Where are you going now?

Well I'm going over to my sister's home.

That's funny, you know where I was going?

- No. - My brother's home.

Now look, when you get to your sister's home, you

phone my brother's home.

Yeah, my sister hasn't got a phone.

That's funny, my brother hasn't got a home.

Oh, you're silly.

- Well so long. - So long.

- So long. - So long.

Oh, you're silly.

- Alright I'll be silly then be dizzy. - Yeah, well I know I'm dizzy.

That's why you, I like you because you're a nice little dizzy girl.

Yeah I know I'm dizzy, I'm glad I'm dizzy.

You're the only dizzy girl that I know that's

glad she's dizzy.

Yeah, I'm glad I'm a dizzy girl because boys like

dizzy girls and I like boys.

Well I'm glad it's over, I'm glad it's finished.

- I'm glad I'm dizzy. - I'm glad you're dizzy.

I'm very glad I'm dizzy.

I'm very glad that you're glad you're dizzy.

Oh I'm very glad you're glad I'm glad I'm dizzy.

Oh let's look let's forget the whole thing, let's

talk of some-say there's the peanut vendor.

Oh that's not the peanut vendor, it goes like this...

That, that's Marquita.

Oh, certainly a surprise to me.

I'll buy ya some peanuts.

Thanks.

Well, there you are, there's some peanuts for ya.

Alright, thank you.

Well what are you giving the baby, the baby

is crying why are you giving it peanuts?

Well I don't know why it should cry, I like peanuts.

You like peanuts, that's no way to stop the baby,

I'll show you how to stop the baby from crying.

Yeah how?

Well just watch me I'll show you.

- What are you gonna do with that? - Well, will you leave this to me?

Yeah but.

I haven't done it in years, now let me see, that's

once over and then this way.

That's not the way.

It isn't is it?

I'll just, now there, and then up and then you turn it

over and then, there it is, now you take your hat off

and you put it on and you're a clown.

Well there you are, see how it's done?

Yeah.

I bet you were a cute baby.

Well I'll tell you something that might surprise you,

when I was a baby I was very young.

- Is that so? - Yes.

- Well look. - What's that?

- Surprise. - Oh.

You know I haven't been in Buffalo since I was a baby.

- Is that so? - No.

You know a very funny thing happened to my mother in Buffalo?

Oh yeah, I thought you were born in Detroit.

In Detroit, say, what street were you born on?

I wasn't born in the street, I was born in a hospital.

- In the hospital? - Yeah.

What's the matter were you sick?

Oh me sick, oh no, I wanted to be near my mother.

Near your mother, that's very good.

- So how old is this baby? - Oh six months.

Six months?

Looks like six years.

Yeah well you see the baby worries a lot.

- The baby worries? - Yeah!

What does a little baby like that got to worry about?

Well he worries over his mother and father,

you see they're always fighting.

The mother insists that the baby looks like the father

and the father insists that the baby looks like mother

and the baby's worried because it doesn't want to

look like either one of them.

Come, let's get some peanuts.

Oh I don't want any more.

- Double order please. - Oh I couldn't have any more.

Well go on, just have it and

I'll save this for you later.

Oh there goes that baby again.

Oh I know what it is, it's feeding time.

- Right temperature? - Yeah, that's the right temperature.

So the baby likes milk.

- Yeah it's funny, I don't like milk. - You don't like milk?

- I like peanuts. - You like peanuts.

Yeah, certainly is a small world isn't it?

I think so.

Say oh, I can't go any further than this.

- Well let's turn around. - We've gotta go around.

You turn around first and I'll turn around.

Do you come out every day?

- Oh yes, every day. - Do you really?

I think that's nice.

Hello Mary!

Oh hello Harry!

Oh uh, system is great, much obliged.

Oh, don't mention it Harry.

My wife!

Come on home Mary.

Thanks for the system.

Oh don't mention it, it always works you know.

- Well I guess the system was bad. - Yes.

So what does your boss do for a living?

Well my brother's a detective.

Your brother's a detective?

Yeah he went out on a job last week, a murder case

and he got his man within an hour.

- Who the murderer? - No, the man who was killed.

Well look, let's sit down and talk about your brother,

I'll bet he's interesting.

Oh, interesting, well wait til I tell you this.

Last week he caught a bootlegger sellin' liquor and

what do you think he did?

- Gave him $9 a quart. - Yeah and the liquor was bad too.

Was cut yeah?

Yeah, and I'll tell you something else.

You know Mr. and Mrs. Jones, my brother's neighbors

are having matrimonial troubles.

Yes tell me.

Yeah so Mr. Jones hired my brother to watch Mrs. Jones,

so he's been watching her now for about two months.

- Well what happened? - Well, she finally got a divorce.

- Mrs. Jones. - No, my brother's wife.

- Your brother's wife! - Yeah.

Well, what's your brother's wife doing now?

Well, she married Mr. Jones.

Boy you're dizzy I mean I...

Oh well I know I'm dizzy, I'm glad I'm dizzy.

Now wait a minute, you're not going to start that again.

What do I look like, do I look like a fool?

Oh George, you're self-conscious.

- Say, that's pretty cute. - You like it?

- I'm going to give you a little kiss. - Oh well you better not!

You see this?

That's a policeman's whistle, that's if fellas get fresh or try to kiss me

I blow that and the policeman comes.

- And the policeman comes? - Yeah.

Well go on and call the policeman.

Well you're pretty lucky it's broken from last night.

I'll bet I'm the first fella that every kissed you.

- Oh you are. - I believe it too.

Yeah and you're the first fella that ever believed it too.

- Say, that's good too. - You like that too.

- I'm gonna give you another kiss. - Yeah if you do I'll slap your face.

And that goes for me too.