Original subtitles

A hot tub in the bedroom, yeah?

You might as well just get a flashing sign that says, "Playa!"

Ha-ha! Don't be telling me this ain't lit as fuck, girl.

I could get used to this. Get the bubbles going, then.

Nah, it's calm. I like it like this.

The bubbles are the whole point.

Uh-uh.

Come on.

I've never done it in a Jacuzzi before.

Yeah... OK.

What's that noise?

What? I can't hear anything.

Benjamin!

What did I tell you? Ben-ja-min!

I don't remember everything you say, woman. You're not that interesting.

Benji, what's going on?

Nothing, darling.

You know the rules.

No bubbles after seven!

I'm trying to watch EastEnders!

Who the hell is this?

This is...

What's your name again?

It's Elle. Who's she?

It's my cleaner.

His mother. Benji, you'd better be wearing protection.

I'm just sitting in the tub, Mum. Stupid boy.

You can still get STDs from sharing bathwater with sex workers.

She's not a sex worker!

Are you? You're not...?

No, I'm fucking not!

Benji, cover your ears.

Aguero!

Power dynamics.

You're men. That's power.

But also you're wealthy.

THAT'S power.

Are people doing things that they don't really want to do

just to please you?

"But, Louis, they always have a choice to say no."

Remember, guys, that's not a choice, that's called self-defence.

But knocking me back is more like self-harm.

Hey, cool!

I know humour can be used to defuse tension, but maybe not now, yeah?

OK. I'd love to break out into groups. We can role-play.

No. No time for that.

Look, the bottom line is,

I don't want to see any of you in the papers over this stuff, OK?

Any questions?

Pascal.

But of course it's still OK when we

film the sex to share it on... um...

Oh, putain, c'est quoi? What is the word?

Cry... Crypte... Cry...?

Encrypted?

Yeah, encrypted. It's still OK to share filmed sex

on encrypted WhatsApp group, yes?

Hard no.

And just to be clear, Pascal, that was never OK.

Any other questions?

Petey?

Look, the bottom line is, you can do what you always did,

as long as you keep it under wraps.

Totally incorrect. Also, not a question. OK.

Think about what you're about to do, then afterwards keep it under wraps.

No. And again, not a question.

Guys, this is really not that hard. It's about consent

and attaining mutual stated consent

before and during lovemaking.

Exactly that. But put in a less creepy way.

Easy for him to say. He's a born-again virgin.

Oh, that's interesting. For religious reasons?

Self-imposed dry patch. Focusing on my career.

Look, you're all intelligent. Just be respectful

and avoid situations where it's easy to confuse the signals.

Basically, stick to strip clubs.

No. Absolutely not.

No cameras. Consenting adults. Plus, it's empowering for women.

Hard to know if you're being serious.

Where can we go, then? I don't know.

The cinema? Or do some charity work.

Food banks, the elderly. Anything except strip clubs.

Nah, this all smacks of sexism to me.

I bet you didn't have this chat with the ladies' team.

Yes, we did, obviously.

For appearances' sake. No.

Because it's important.

I'm going to start my own campaign.

"Believe all men."

Well, that's a terrible idea,

but there's absolutely nothing stopping you doing so, Petey,

just as long as it's after you've left the club.

Any other questions?

Really?

Really? Fine.

Pascal, again.

But it's encrypted, so...?

Olivia, why wasn't Cesare at the talk?

He's a 65-year-old Italian.

He thinks the MeToo movement is a way to indicate

you'd like to join the orgy.

Oh, really?

No.

Sorry, that was unprofessional.

It's been a stressful morning.

You know, I covered sexual politics as part of my degree,

so if you ever need a supportive voice within the squad, just shout.

I'm probably OK.

Anyway, thanks for trying. I appreciate it.

Yeah, you know, if you're having a bad day,

maybe we could have a chat over coffee or dinner?

OK. Two things.

One, I don't date footballers. It wouldn't be a date.

I just think we'd get along and... Wait.

I had these made for this exact situation.

Yes. OK. Very cute. I get it.

But I'm... Really, I'm not like the others.

You had them laminated? They get a lot of use.

Right. Did you have a second thing?

Secondly, I've just finished hosting a talk

on inappropriate sexual behaviour.

So, one second...

Hi, Bob.

Sorry to do this on a Monday, but I need to send Mattie Sullivan

over to you regarding an octopus situation.

Great. Thanks.

What's an octopus situation?

Sexual harassment of a colleague.

You know where the HR office is?

Out of the whole squad of deviants, I'm the one that gets the verbal warning?

Sex rules are baffling. It's probably safer if we all become born-again virgins.

It's a self-imposed dry patch. I've been focusing on my career.

I'm nervous now. Hot-tubbed a girl last night.

What if she goes to the press?

Please tell me that hot-tubbed isn't a euphemism.

Nah. We done it in my actual hot tub.

The one in your bedroom? Yeah, boi!

And let's just say, when she got out,

there was a lot more liquid in there than before. Ha-ha!

Because she pissed herself? No. But it got mad kinky.

I'm not buying it. Sounds like bullshit.

You should probably give her a call, you know,

after that chat this morning and everything.

Yeah. If she's real, give her a call.

Oh, she's real. And I'm calling her now.

What?

Sweetheart. How's it going, sweetheart?

Don't call me sweetheart.

Babes, listen. Last night was sick,

but it has to stay between me and you.

And your mum? Ha-ha. Banter. Good one.

But seriously, club wouldn't want to see my name splashed all over the papers.

Benji, I can guarantee our story is safe with me.

Cool. Cool.

Because I tried selling it, and no-one's interested.

Turns out you're a fucking nobody.

Not the Cameroonian David Beckham.

What? Not even LADbible!

A girl I know wanked Wes from Love Island on a train, and even THAT made LADbible.

Nice one. Bye.

The Cameroonian Beckham? Nah, nah. It's all good.

At least I'm safe from getting MeToo'd.

Benji, you don't get MeToo'd.

You do something wrong and you suffer the consequences.

You're right, we got to be careful. This MeToo got us on lockdown.

We can't go nowhere, not one strip club. No, it hasn't.

If we behave how we normally do, everything will be fine.

You got a verbal warning seconds after a MeToo talk.

It was a misunderstanding.

Hey, if yous want to go somewhere, I know a place.

I go there all the time, and we definitely won't get MeToo'd.

You do have to stop saying that. Come on.

He was right about us not getting in trouble with women in here.

I doubt a woman has ever been in here.

It's like they built this as a MeToo bunker.

Yeah, each way on that one.

Lovely, Jack. Good horse, that.

Any thoughts for the Champions League games this week?

Oh, yeah, good point. Here's 20.

Juve to win on away goals.

Hey, you're not betting on football, are you? You really shouldn't be doing that.

Nah, it's fine. I don't bet on our games - usually.

It's not fine. You'll be suspended

for betting on any football anywhere in the world.

Nah, they'd have mentioned it if that was the case.

They do mention it! All the time.

It seems unlikely, to be honest.

Can we go now? Just watch the end of this race.

I've got a grand on it. A grand?!

Is it a big race? Don't know. Probably not.

Why does no-one want to buy a story on me?

You should be grateful. I'm not, though. I want to be big enough

that someone will buy a story.

"Not-Cameroonian Beckham still lives with Mom"?

Sorry about that, Jack. It happens, Terry, mate.

Don't worry about it.

Seem pretty OK for someone who's just lost a grand.

Never lost a grand. Oh, good.

In total, it was about three grand.

Jesus is Lord! No, it's fine.

I got paid two grand the other day off my sponsors.

Screwfix. Yeah.

Mad luck.

Well, this place is super depressing. Let's get out of here.

I told you, you can't go nowhere. Nowhere is safe.

Oh, I could cook us all a meal.

Just because we can't date women don't mean we have to start dating each other.

No, I've been living out of a hotel for weeks.

Be great to do something normal, like cook a meal.

Can I use your kitchen, Jack?

Yeah, knock yourself out. Great. Let's go buy some food.

Yeah, you might need to buy some cutlery too.

And plates.

And some pots.

And a table.

And probably some chairs as well. But other than that, you're all good.

You need to be careful in supermarkets.

That's where women go in the afternoons if they want sex.

Or if they want shopping.

I saw a TED Talk on it. This guy knew what he was talking about.

There's a TED Talk on picking up women in supermarkets on weekday afternoons?

Yes. This guy talks about how he picks up women in supermarkets all the time,

and then he shows the results.

I am almost certain you mean Pornhub.

Wherever I saw it, we need to be careful in supermarkets.

These are weird, aren't they?

Like little plastic things that you hang in your bog.

The TED Talk guy said he got most of his action in the household goods aisle.

Makes sense. Yeah, because nothing

puts a woman in the mood more than an aisle of Toilet Ducks.

Excuse me?

I'm so sorry to bother you, but you're not Jack Turner, the footballer, are you?

Yes, miss.

Oh, wow. I've seen you on my son's wall.

He-He'll never believe this. He's such a fan.

I'm Nicola.

Are you all players?

Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm Mattie. This is Benji.

Wow.

Actual professional footballers.

What are you doing in here?

I thought you'd have people to shop for you.

I'm humble, I stay humble.

Would you mind if I got a photo? Of course not.

We love meeting fans. Oh, my God. He'll explode

when he sees a selfie of me and his favourite players.

And Mattie.

Um, right, say cheese.

Cheese!

Thank you. This will make his day.

Anyway, good luck with the football, boys.

Thank you. Nice to meet you. Cheers.

Look, I know this is a bit cheeky, but what the hell?

You did say you love meeting your fans.

I knew you was a cheeky one the second I saw you, Nicola.

Um, what are you doing now?

I live just around the corner,

and it would make Stuart's day if you were there to surprise him when

he got back from school. He'll be home in about ten minutes?

I-I totally understand

if you've got other stuff to do.

But he's just had a bit of a rough time of it lately, is all.

Bullying? He has been involved

in some bullying incidents, yes.

Actually, we've got nothing going on this afternoon. We'd love to.

Oh, wow. My God. This is great!

You boys are so sweet.

Um, let me just get a cake.

The least I can do is give you some tea.

Ha-ha-ha. Playing with fire, mate.

No. I'm taking time out of our day to do something positive for someone else,

like Olivia said this morning.

I thought you'd have figured out by now, Brains... there is no son.

She's after a foursome.

Which is why she's buying sponge cake?

I don't want to get in any trouble here. What if the TED Talk guy is right?

The TED Talk guy, who doesn't exist, is not right, Jack.

Yeah? Well, let's see how she responds to his coded message.

What's that?

"Can you recommend something to get these lipstick stains off my penis?"

Not exactly the Enigma code, is it?

Please don't say that to her. Or any woman. Ever.

Calm down, the Pope. It's a free hit.

You can't get MeToo'd if they approach you.

Incorrect. On so many levels.

Haven't changed your mind, then?

Actually, while we're here, maybe you can recommend something for getting, um

stains out

of my... my boxer shorts.

Oh.

Oh, dear. Poor you.

Oh, well, when my son has tummy problems,

I normally use a Vanish tablet and a really hot wash.

Or just throw them away, to be honest.

No. I meant lipstick.

So...

You want to get poo stains out of lipstick?

Y-Yes.

Let's go meet Stuart. Yeah.

And-And thank you so much again.

I have a feeling things are about to get very sexual.

He's usually straight back from school.

Really sorry.

Shouldn't be much longer.

Can I have another can of Fanta, please?

Of course. Let me get that for you.

I love TED Talks. They're always bang on.

I don't know if I've got the energy for an orgy.

And what if her son comes back when we're all into it?

There is no son.

Yeah, all these photos of this 14-year-old are just elaborate props.

And for clarity, even if she did want an orgy, which she definitely doesn't,

I don't want an orgy with you.

Who with, then?

No-one, Jack. There you go.

Can I get you anything else?

How about a slice of your delicious pie?

Oh, I don't think I've got any.

Is cake OK?

Actually, I might have a pie in the freezer.

Have you ever shared your delicious pie? Three ways?

Three ways? Don't think so.

I think the portions would be too big.

I don't think the club would be too pleased if they found out

we'd been stuffing ourselves with pie, Benji.

I'm really sorry. I don't know where he's got to.

Ever since his dad left, he's been so emotional.

The only other times he's been late has been because of the bullying.

Ow! Are you all right? Ooh, trapped nerve.

I get so stressed when I think about Stuart and the bullying.

I just need some pressure applied on my lower back.

Will one of you help? I've been told I've got magic fingers.

No, no. I took a physiotherapy module at university.

OK. Just lie face down. Arms out ahead.

Like Superman flying. There you go. Like this?

Yeah, perfect. While I release the muscle, just slowly lift your arms.

Argh!

I feel like if her son comes back now, this isn't gonna look good.

There is no son.

Is that any better? Yeah, it's easing up a bit.

Argh... That's it.

Oh, oh, let me help.

That's amazing. Oh!

Knew it. Mum, what the fuck?!

Stuart! Surprise!

Fucking right it's a surprise! What's going on?

My back went. Mattie was just helping me.

They've come here to cheer you up.

It's not fucking working.

It's a pleasure to meet you, Stuart.

I was starting to think you might not exist.

Who's this paedo?

They're football players. From your favourite team.

Well, he barely plays.

All right, mate.

This one, I've literally no idea who he is.

I'm Mattie Sullivan. Yeah. No idea.

All right, fair play, that's Jack Turner. You're decent.

Thank you. What was that?

He doesn't really talk.

OK, hang on, I'm not going to forget that I just walked in

on the three of you pulling a train on my mum!

Whoa, whoa, Stuart... Look, it's not what it looks like.

Obviously there's been a giant misunderstanding, right, guys?

Yeah. Turns out your mum genuinely wanted to surprise you.

While we thought she wanted to smash us into next week.

No, that was not the misunderstanding.

Oh, my God, no!

Stuart, wait, please!

Right. Time to bounce.

We can't leave now! Why not?

No-one's getting their balls dipped after that little baby's drama.

We can't leave now, because we have to fix this.

The state that kid's in, he could do anything.

Shall we beat him up? Yeah, that's a brilliant idea, Jack.

Let's beat up the kid who thinks he's just witnessed us

spit-roasting his mom. This is awful. He's locked me out.

He's threatening to go on Instagram to tell everyone how he caught

his mum in an orgy with some footballers.

Why would he think that?

To be fair... Shut up, Benji.

Jack, you're his favourite. He'll listen to you.

Will you go and explain?

Bullying can be a terrible experience.

I'm sure that's why he's so jumpy. Yeah.

I mean, we took away his phone for a week

when we were told what he was doing to the other kids.

Sorry? HE was the bully? Yeah. The divorce hit him hard.

Not as hard as he hit them kids, I bet.

Well, at least things seem a lot calmer up there now.

He's freaking me out!

He hasn't said a word for about five minutes. I feel unsafe.

I'm really sorry.

I just wanted to make everything perfect for him. I'm a terrible mother.

Give me one good reason why I shouldn't send this right now.

Because it's not true, Stuart, and we might lose our jobs over it.

Look, man, I-I know things have been tough for you lately and

also for the other kids around you, but football is our lives.

It looks bad, but we'll do anything to fix it.

Anything? Yeah. Yeah. Of course.

I want to train with the first team.

Ah, that's a little tricky. To train with the first team,

you have to be an actual footballer at the club.

You said "anything". You lied.

OK. I'll see what I can do,

but I'm not promising. I think you are.

I want to get a photo for my Insta of me kicking a ball

with the first-teamers. Or else you'll post the other thing?

Yeah. But now I'm going to add, "Jack Turner is a paedophile."

We aren't all paedophiles, Stuart.

What are you doing in my bedroom, then?

Told you we should have beat him up.

I have to say, my back is feeling much better.

Great. Well, that's something!

Here he is. The lucky boy!

Thanks, Nicola. We should be done by one.

Still can't believe this is happening. Thank you.

Aw, look at his face!

He's having the time of his life.

I'd hate to see him on a bad day.

You saw me yesterday.

When you three tried to fuck my mum.

That was a pretty bad day.

Bye, sweetie.

OK. Now, to successfully pull this off,

we need you to play along with whatever we say, understood?

No. I call the shots. You're not in charge.

Come on, Stuart. What we're doing today is highly unusual.

Is it as unusual as three footballers bukkakeing your mum?

Bukkakeing, anyone?

It's where multiple men spunk on a woman's face.

Oh, OK.

No. No, it isn't.

Come on, let's go.

Really do think you need to cut down on the internet porn, though, buddy.

I mean, it's wide, like a Coke can, but she's still not into it.

She used to love all these...

Chris! Hi. How are you?

Great, great, Mattie. Yeah. Loving training.

It's better than being at home.

You know what I mean?

It's like a war zone sometimes.

Yeah.

Yeah. Listen, I know we're not meant to have guests at training,

but my little nephew's here... Oh, right. Well,

yeah, we don't really allow kids at the training complex, Mattie.

You should know that.

I... I do know, but he's a lovely lad,

and I was wondering if this time maybe you could...

He's got a serious health thing. He's not got long left to live.

Oh, shit.

Oh, I'm sorry. Poor guy. Um, where is he?

Er, he's over there. Where?

Just there, next to Jack.

Oh, right. Big boy.

Yeah. Yeah, but he's actually... He's ten.

Ten? Right. What's he got?

Viral thing. Hay fever. Leukaemia.

He's got hay fever leukaemia?

Yeah. Every time he sneezes, his cell count drops.

Should he be outside? Hay fever is a code word

we use for polio.

Polio? Hmm.

Oh, my God. I thought that had been eradicated.

Well, have you contacted the health authorities?

It's not polio. He's got something else.

Worse, but less worrying.

You know cat AIDS? I've heard of it.

It is like cat AIDS for kids.

Gosh. Oh, I'm so, so sorry. Poor little guy.

Let's go see him.

Oh...

Hi.

I don't want to meet this old cunt.

He's also got Tourette's.

I understand. Poor little scamp.

What did you fucking say?

Can we take him in? Yeah, course you can.

Go on, in you go.

Thanks.

Oh...

Poor kid.

Right, nice. We're in.

It's exciting, isn't it, Stuart?

Not especially, no.

So, when am I doing the training?

Well, it is still breakfast, and there will be some stretching

I said, "When?"

OK. Let's get some food first.

Then we'll do whatever you want.

You better.

So what's the plan, then? What do you mean, what's the plan?

Are you going to get him training? I wasn't, Jack.

I think Chris might notice

if a ten-year-old cat AIDS sufferer suddenly joined in.

Jesus. Whoa, Stuart, hey!

Let's get our breakfast on, yeah?

And this is the canteen. No ice cream, I'm afraid.

I'm not a fucking baby.

Hey, maybe you want a smoothie or something.

Now you're talking! That's what I want.

To meet Petey Brooks. Club legend!

Christ. Really?

Do you want me to tell the papers about my mum?

OK. OK, fine.

Petey. Fuck off.

Yeah.

Although, listen, there's this kid here, and he's sick,

really sick, badly ill.

And I brought him here,

and all he wants to do is meet you.

How much?

What? No, sorry, he's-he's ill,

like-like terminally ill,

and didn't want to visit Disneyland or pretend to be Batman.

He simply wants to say hello to you.

Oh, right. How much?

It's a sick kid, Petey. I understand, and what I'm saying is,

how much will you or some GoFundMe his godfather has set up give me

if I say hello?

I-I... I don't know. I'll do it for a grand.

To say hello? It's a fair rate.

I charge my brother's kids 250.

OK. This is good, this is good. We're negotiating.

No, we aren't.

Hey. It's Jack, right?

Er, yeah.

Ruth.

I just thought I'd come and say hi.

Um, they're letting us train one day a week here now.

It's pretty nice, right? The canteen food is unreal.

Do you like it?

So, who's the kid?

He's a friend. I'm not your friend.

No, I mean... my son.

Your... son? What? No.

Not my son. Sorry, I panicked.

I can tell you exactly how we know each other.

Actually, Ruth, we've got to go. I'm going nowhere, mate.

So, I came home from school yesterday...

Sorry. You've got to go.

What? Well, we can't go, so you've got to go.

Um, OK.

See you around?

Smooth

Stuart, you want to grab some food?

I will. But not cos you told me to.

Petey wants a grand. Sounds about right.

Yeah, I've been thinking... Bad start.

The question is, would being in the paper for gang-banging a MILF

actually be a bad thing for me?

I guess it depends on how much you value the job

that you've dedicated your entire life to.

And it is an ethical dilemma.

But it would be nice to know someone could sell a story on me.

Yeah, I could see that'd be nice if you're a fucking idiot!

Hey, it's a win-win for me, I reckon.

Basically, I ain't paying a grand.

Great, great. Jack?

Obviously, I would help, but I've got no cash till we get paid again.

How? How is that possible? You just signed a new contract.

I had a run of back luck. I'll win it back.

I can pay next week, though, if the kid can hang around.

He's not going to wait a week for you to still not win at horses, is he?

Oh, fine. Fine. We're fucked.

And I'll tell him. What's the worst that can happen?

We all get sacked. You just told us that.

Stuart! Listen, Stuart, we've got a great day lined up for you

but you can't meet Petey Brooks. And now, the video suite is that way, where we...

You fucking what, mate?

And discuss tactics.

I can't meet Petey?

Um... No.

You lied!

They lied!

Jesus Christ, shut him up. Please, please, calm down, Stuart.

You did things to my mum. My mummy!

You bukkaked my mummy.

Oh, dear. Little fella having another Tourette's attack.

Oh, fuck off, you total cunting prick!

Oops. A bad one.

Give us a minute, Chris?

Sure thing. I'm sending it.

Do you want me to beat him up? All right, all right.

I'll fix it up for you to meet Petey if you shut up.

Really? Yes. Really.

You sure you got this? Yes. I think.

Now, Stuart, Petey's in there. Amazing.

And he's really happy to meet you, but he does insist on no phones.

After the England incident. Right, yeah, of course.

And in you go. Enjoy.

He's not here.

Fuck you, Stuart.

Hey, no! Let me out! Let me out! I knew it!

Do not let him out. I know who can fix this.

Fucking let me out, you fucking paedos!

Let me out now! I'm underage.

This is illegal. You can't fucking do this!

I think this has made things worse. Fuck you! Fuck!

And now he's threatening to tell the world about us and his mom

unless he meets Petey. And Petey,

the maniac, won't meet the kid for less than a grand.

I mean, the MeToo briefing was, what, less than 24 hours ago?

It's not quite as bad as it sounds.

Even though you're telling me

you've got a potential front-page-of-the-paper situation

regarding precisely what you were warned about yesterday?

OK, when you put it like that, it sounds pretty bad.

Right, where is he now?

We stole his phone and locked him in the video briefing room.

Course you did.

Jesus Christ.

Happy? Got a lot of gear there.

When am I meeting Petey? Listen

you little prick, you're not meeting Petey Brooks.

What?

Right, I'm going to the papers.

While you've been "shopping", I've had our IT team hack your phone.

Some very, very interesting stuff in your search history.

No, that's... That's not mine. I was, um...

We know every site you visited, every single one.

So, if you don't want your mum to find out what you've been up to,

you'll keep your mouth shut, you little wanker.

Someone at school said it was funny, and I only checked it out once.

Please, you can't tell my mum. Take your shopping basket and fuck off!

That was amazing!

I've done it before. Usually works. Amazing.

So, what kind of sites was he looking at?

Fucked if I know. Have you met our IT department?

They can barely work a phone, let alone hack one.

You bluffed him? Incredible.

The little shit must have thought you knew about the bukkake videos.

I'm sorry?

Bukkake. Bukkake? Yeah, he kept mentioning it.

I don't know what you mean. Oh.

Well, bukkake is when multiple men, well,

unload their ejaculate simultaneously

onto a woman's face. Er...

Is that HR you're calling?

Bob, are you free?

Yeah, another octopus, I'm afraid.

Yes, yes, yes!

Ha-ha! Guess who's had a story sold on them?

And that's a good thing? Yes, sir. I'm money.

Read it out, then.

"Top Prem star Benji Achebe lives with his mum and has..."

Nah...

"Top Prem star lives with his mom and has a tiny penis."

Well, hey, listen, it's fake news, yeah? My mum lives with me.

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