Original subtitles

Good work, mate.

Cryo-chamber for you.

Go and get those muscles repaired. Yes, sir.

Jesus Christ! Martin!

Oh! Medic! Medic!

Oh, someone get a medic! Paramedic!

Er... Blankets! Get me some blankets. Quickly!

Hurry!

Kiss me, and I will fucking kill you!

Ah...

Absolutely timeless banter.

You were like, "Medic! Someone call a paramedic!"

I was all like that because it's the appropriate response

when you find someone dying!

"Help! Get some blankets!" Again, entirely appropriate response.

Just promise, if I ever collapse, you won't try and kiss me?

OK. Well, that's CPR, and you'll die if I don't.

Imagine getting mugged off by the kit man.

"Stay with me, Martin! Don't die on me. Think of the shorts and socks!"

I did not say one word of that. Mattie!

Oh, my days! Got you again!

Double pranks!

That wasn't a prank, was it? You didn't get me.

Why are you covered in water, then? I turned around

because someone shouted my name, and that's what humans do.

You're as bad as the Frenchies. I had some banter with them,

next thing you know, I'm sent to HR.

What was the banter?

I called them stinking fucking frogs.

Bro, how do you keep falling for these pranks?

Don't reckon I could get you, then? Me? No way!

Yeah? Yeah.

Yeah? Yeah.

Yeah? I just said yeah.

We'll see about that.

Well, you're fucked.

Aguero!

I thought Martin had frozen to death!

You're just annoyed you got done. Twice in a day.

It's no wonder we never win.

The... the pranks are killing team spirit.

They're nasty, there's always a victim...

Yeah, you.

I just think someone's got to try to bring this car crash

of a dressing room back together.

Good luck trying to get the team to bond behind a bloke

who thinks the cryo-chamber can freeze people.

It can freeze people, Benji. That's literally what it does.

Who's that? Your mum? Nah, it's a girl.

I'm on that Tinder thing.

It's harder than I thought, though. I've messaged a few girls,

but they expect you to ask questions and be interested in the answers.

I think it's going all right with this one, though.

Yeah? Let me see.

Have you said anything other than hi?

Nah. I'm not sure it's the best idea

for a professional footballer to be on a public dating app.

Well, I haven't used me real name.

It makes me nervous about getting recognised, and that.

But you've used your real photo of yourself?

Well, yeah, cos I want women to want me for the real me,

not cos I'm a rich footballer.

But you are a rich footballer.

Yeah, but they won't know that from looking at the photo, will they?

Unless they know who you are,

in which case they will absolutely know.

This girl's pretty cool, man.

She writes all that tinkling music for, like, yoga studios

and massage rooms, and that,

So she must be absolutely minted.

At least she won't be chasing you for your money.

I'll play you some of her stuff if you want.

Siri, play Tinkly Girl playlist.

Well, she's going to be broke.

This is shit.

Another defeat, and even worse news

it looked like Carlos Velez limped off injured.

Carlos Velez is injured?

Well, then we're fucked, aren't we? Nice one!

This!

This is what's wrong with the club. What, Carlos?

Yeah, he's a weirdo. Or, to look at it another way,

Carlos Velez was voted Player of the Season last year,

but now he's injured, he sits alone. Why?

Because he's a weirdo? No.

Because he's waiting for the physio?

No... Well, maybe.

It's because no-one cares about team cohesion.

Because he's a weirdo!

Absolute bell-end. Beast of a midfielder, though.

I mean, when he's fit, he's unstoppable.

No-one here even tries to get to know each other.

There's no team spirit!

Oh, I'm superstitious, me.

I don't like hanging round the treatment room

in case I catch something. What, like a torn hamstring?

Exactly. You can't catch injuries, Jack.

Not all of them, anyway. You can't catch any injuries.

Oh, come on, you must have some superstitions.

I honestly don't. I wash me hands before a game.

Hygiene, not superstition.

I've done it once before a game, and the water felt nice.

Took the pressure off.

And we won, so now I do it before every game.

Nando's cheesecake is another one.

What? I have a Nando's cheesecake before games.

It's also a good one, because I like cheesecake.

A whole cheesecake before a game?

Everyone has superstitions, bro.

Ohh! Superstitions, is it?

Oh, I've got plenty of those.

I, um... I used to not have sex with the wife

the day before the game.

Now it's more like the week before.

And we have a game every week,

so I just literally never have sex.

Nah. No, you're fine.

Did you...? What? Huh? I didn't. No.

Nah. Don't mention.

Nothing.

Well, see you in a bit.

Chris... Well, I'm glad Carlos is out for a bit, to be fair.

He's absolutely mental in training.

Yeah. He's competitive.

Of course. We all are.

I think he just needs a friend.

And that's going to be you, is it?

Well, you gotta start somewhere.

Well, I know where I'm starting. Lunch!

Carlos! Hey!

Como estas? Yo soy Mattie.

Mattie from America.

You probably knew that already.

How are you, man? How's it going?

I mean, you're injured. Sure.

Which is bad.

But it's getting better, right?

The old Achilles.

The great Achilles. The beautiful youth, Achilles.

Have I ever told you how good a player you are?

I wish I could be you.

You're a great tackler. Obviously.

But I think you're more skilful than you get credit for.

And you look good doing it.

I really like you.

As a player!

Cool. Good. Not weird chat.

Anyway, I was just wondering if you wanted to hang out some time.

Just... trying to be friendly.

Hey!

Later, come to my house. We play pool.

Yes. Yes, great!

Exactly. Yes!

All right.

You all right with this?

Yeah, bro. Is this the prank?

Cos you're going to have to do a whole lot better than this.

No, this is just a warm-up, mate.

I've got the Champions League final of pranks lined up for you.

I mean, that guy is just unbelievable.

I'd be worried about spilling that

on my balls.

I think he's got a salad.

That long foreskin, though. Could get some tuna stuck up there.

Pretty sure vinegar is more the enemy.

All right? Course!

We were just bantering.

He's jokes.

Cos no-one's more fun than a bully.

You're the one who said get to know your team-mates,

so while you've been hanging with the freak,

me and the big man at the club are getting tight.

Hey, Mattie!

Are yous going to wank it off over his back later, then?

No. We're going to play some pool.

He's so weird, he's making you weird.

Weirder. He's not weird. He's just shy. Like Jack.

What? Carlos is shy.

He's not good with people. Like you. Is he winding me up?

I'm not shy. Jack, come on, mate.

You don't use the phone because you don't like talking to people.

What if they say something? They will say something,

cos it's a phone. That's its purpose. I'm thoughtful, not shy.

I'm not shy!

All right, fine, I'll prove it.

I'll ask that girl out now. How shy is that?

That's what you do on dating apps.

Done!

And she said yeah straight away.

"When should we go out?"

How about right now?

She said she can't do right now, obviously,

as it's half-twelve on a Tuesday

and she's got a job.

Just say you can meet her later, then.

Nah, I'll leave that.

It's a bit embarrassing.

Are you here for the dog shit?

What? The dog shit. Are you here for it?

No, I'm not here for the dog shit.

I'm here to play with Carlos...

I'm here to hang out with Carlos.

Shoes off.

Carlos!

Oh, fuck!

Jesus! Agh! Carlos!

Hey! Hey, man. Don't panic. He don't bite.

He is literally biting me right now.

He's mouthing, not biting.

Teeth are in the mouth. Mouthing with teeth is biting.

Come on, don't be such a pussy.

It's just a scratch.

You never play anyway. Come on, let's go.

So you live here with just the dog and your dad?

Who? Your dad?

Oh, no, no, no. He's not my dad.

That's my owner. What?

He owns me. He really owns you?

Well, of course!

So, do you have any other friends in England

apart from him?

He's not my friend.

He's my owner.

Sure.

But no other ties? Well, yes.

Business interests. Cool!

Cool. Like... like what?

I have a puppy farm down the road.

Farming and selling dogs for money,

that's my happiness.

Cool. Cool stuff. Yeah, yeah.

Do you want to see my lizards?

I do!

But maybe we could play pool first?

Yeah, of course.

Oh, man.

Oh, my God.

Carlos, you need to get someone to clean up the dog shit.

Oh, hello! Can you help me, please?

No. Thank you.

I am lost and cannot find a train station.

Look, it's that way. Keep walking and then you ask someone else.

Oh. Thank you for your help!

I would love to give you payment, huh?

Ohh! Look at all this money I have.

You don't need to pay me. No, no, no. I insist!

When I meet a young footballer like you, Benji,

who wants to help people,

I make sure they get rewarded for that help. You know my name?

Oh, hang on!

I can help you make a lot of money, huh?

Help you buy proper car,

not Ford Focus with mirror wrap.

Ah, here.

Ah, yeah.

Well, I'm usually at the training complex

if you want to give me more money for no reason.

What a great club. Great players.

Sure. Sure. Like... Petey Brooks? Yeah?

Exactly. See you soon... friend.

Yeah.

You're going to have to do way better than that, Petey.

Come on!

That was weak!

Check this out.

Yes!

And I win... again. Please pay.

I never lose at pool.

Never. I mean, that is why I have taken all your money, you know?

I'm the best. The very best.

Way better than you, of course.

Yeah!

Anyway, I should get back now, as my foot's starting to hurt quite a bit.

Hey, no, no, no. It's only a scratch.

Yeah, but it's on my foot,

so, to be honest, I have a better idea of the pain.

Or maybe you are a woman?

OK. You leave.

Just admit we were right. He's a freak.

Yes, he's different.

But we're all different.

He likes to play pool for money,

and doesn't always clear up after his dog. So what?

Why not come and hang with me and Carlos tomorrow?

Oh, yeah, sounds great.

A terraced house filled with dog shit? Yes, please!

Well, firstly, his owner's getting someone in

to deal with the dog shit.

His owner? And secondly, you just don't want to come

because you're afraid that I'm actually right, and he's a good guy.

I would come, but I've got a date with Tinkly Girl tomorrow night.

Well, we're meeting up in the afternoon, so you can make it.

Bollocks. Come on, Benj.

Is your foot bleeding? Oh, Jesus Christ!

Don't bring a fucking injury into my house!

What are you doing? You haven't been anywhere near my foot.

That's very disrespectful of my superstitions.

It looks like it's got infected with something.

Dog shit. Sorry?

I got dog shit in it.

By accident. It wasn't a sex game.

Not for one second did I think it was a sex game.

I'll get you some antibiotics, but you're out for at least five days.

Er, what? Hey!

My dog didn't bite him.

Well, not intentionally. Not at all!

Um... OK!

So, of course, you are coming to my house after treatment?

Or... how about we go out?

Somewhere fun?

The puppy farm?

Yeah, maybe. Or somewhere else?

The lizards?

Where else could we go, I wonder?

Oh, I know! Laser Quest!

We fight with light!

Jack! Jack, mate, how are you?

Er... OK, yeah.

Great. Now, you've got to do me a favour, me old mate.

Oh, I'm busy. We're meant to be going on a Laser Quest

with Mattie and Carlos.

Laser Quest? What are you, 20?

I'm 21. No, listen, I need a favour. It won't take a minute.

It's just through this door, OK?

You don't want to let me down, do you?

Go on, then. We're waiting.

Er...

Oh, right. Yeah. What for?

Petey said you're going to be talking us through our next game

as part of your FA coaching badge.

What?

What the fuck is this?

Oh, Petey, that's a good one.

I don't know why you're laughing, mate. You're next.

That's disgusting.

Waste my time again and I'll destroy your balls with a hammer!

Sorry.

Sorry.

Everything all right? Yeah.

Petey Brooks forced me to show some fat bloke smashing himself

in the balls with a hammer to the ladies' team, but, yeah.

Right. Well, we need to go. Carlos doesn't like to wait.

All right. I'm nearly done.

Oh, shit.

I need to book somewhere for me date.

Do what I do.

Just walk in anywhere and tell them who you are.

And then they'll get a table.

Best to be safe. I'll book somewhere near the Laser Quest.

Ideal. There's a Frankie & Benny's right across from it. Be all right.

You're taking a girl

Frankie & Benny's on a trading estate?

You've got no game!

Jack, I don't think a chain restaurant is a great place

to try to impress a girl.

That's cos you went to university and you're a snob.

That's a fair point.

Shit, you can't book online. Then call 'em.

Can you do it? 6pm for two.

Six? Six seems a bit early.

Yeah, but that way, if it goes badly, I can get home

and play Fortnite, and if it goes well,

I can have sex and then go home and play Fortnite.

So when there's a real space war, as Asimov has predicted,

those of us who are used to handling laser weaponry

are going to have a huge advantage. Huge.

It's actually the closest thing we can have to galactic combat.

Shut up!

Could you just stop your boring talk?

Yeah! No more talking!

Let's get going. This is going to be fun!

OK. So these are your targets, guys, here, on the chest.

These indicators on your shoulders will flash red

when you guys get hit.

Obviously, in a real situation, if you got hit by a laser,

you'd be completely disintegrated.

Shut up!

OK. Not too scary for you?

Laser Quest? I think I'm good. OK. Well, you will lose, for sure.

Mattie, my friend, you are with me. OK?

Of course, Carlos, my friend.

OK, guys, let's get in there. Let's play some Laser Quest.

You guys ready to go?

I really... Honestly, I really hope you guys have a good time.

Shut up! OK.

If this is where Carlos hangs out, I'm not surprised he's got no mates.

It's like playing hide-and-seek in a fucking concussion.

I like shooting, to be fair.

Guns, laser, bow and arrow, whatever.

I know I shouldn't say this, but guns are fun.

There should be more guns.

Can't wait till I can get a real laser.

So, you play a lot of Laser Quest in Mexico?

Is it a big thing over there?

I can see them!

We can kill them!

Right. Cool. OK. Yeah.

Oh, no. Don't do that. It won't register when you get hit.

Yes! We win.

I get that, but I think they might, you know,

maybe see that as cheating a bit.

Oh, no! Don't do that.

We attack, we win.

What's going on? It's not working. I hit him! I hit him!

What the fuck...? Is yours working?

No!

We win, Mattie.

Me and also you.

Again.

I mean, they obviously ripped off Foundation.

You know, the empire? Parsecs?

The hero's called Han? Hello?

Shut up. Mattie, you coming back to my house?

Er, yeah. Yeah.

I guess so. You guys can come too, of course.

We play pool for money. For Mattie's money.

Nah, I've seen enough.

Have fun. Yeah, I've got a date.

Oh, I hope you get to fuck.

Mattie, come on, let's go.

Hey.

He's a prick, isn't he? Total fucking cheat.

Can't wait for him to be fit and back in the first team, though.

Oh, amazing first touch.

Benji!

No. No. Seriously?

Fancy seeing you here at this out-of-town shopping centre!

Huh? I wonder how you knew I was going to be at Laser Quest,

where I never go.

But Petey Brooks definitely knew I was going.

Oh, I came here to go to Halfords

somebody told me it's great for inner tubes - and I bumped into you.

Course, mate. Coincidence. Maybe we can get a coffee together?

Huh, friend? There's a coffee shop in Tesco's.

We've got a lot of serious talking to do.

Maybe you should buy me dinner?

Of course! Yes.

How about Frankie & Benny's? Let's go.

Hey, was it fun? No, we lost. Ah...

Ah, Mattie.

You and I are a great team.

I can't wait till we're owned by the same guy.

Like slave brothers?

Yes!

You owe me 20 bucks, by the way. Come on, pay up.

Now set up the balls. We play again.

All or nothing.

So I can win it all!

Jack Turner!

Oh, my God! It's Jack Turner!

Um... table booked. I saw the booking,

but it's quite a common name - no offence - and I thought, "No way!"

"No way. He won't eat at Frankie & Benny's."

But you're here! Amazing!

Got a season ticket.

West stand. About four rows back. Probably not see me, but I know you.

Erm...

Yeah. Table's this way.

And there she is - the very, very lucky lady.

All right? Oh, my God! It really is you!

You're a fan too, then?

My whole family. We even go to the under-23 games.

Oh, I thought it was you on the app,

and then I thought, "No, it can't be!"

It is you, isn't it?

Of course it is. Look at the tracksuit.

Oh, can I get a pic for Insta?

Can I wash me hands? Oh, just a quick one!

Oh... Can you smile?

How'd you know it was me on the app?

There was a picture of your face.

Shit, yeah. Course.

I might just wash me hands.

No, no, no. Sit down.

So, I represent some people.

Important people.

Rich people. And they like you.

Yeah? That's nice of them. Yes!

And they're playing a long game. They think you've a bright future,

that you'll be a big star in football.

I'm trying.

My friends, they are nice people.

They sound nice.

Suspiciously nice. Very nice.

And sometimes, you know,

in return, they ask for small things.

Oh, right. What kind of things?

Small things.

Easy things.

Give away a throw-in, get a yellow card.

And maybe you can talk to Jack Turner, your friend.

He does the same,

suddenly you two are earning even more money than your team-mates.

And you deserve it.

OK. Sounds like a plan. Count me in.

And Jack. And the new guy, Mattie.

And maybe we could get Petey Brooks involved too?

That would be wonderful.

You are a generous man.

But these are serious people.

You don't joke with them.

No. Of course not.

No pranks.

Tell your friends I'm 100% down with their plan.

Fantastic.

So

Do you go out much?

Out me house? Yeah.

No.

All right? How's this little romantic dinner going?

Jack talking your ear off, I bet? Excuse me, this is private.

I'm his mate. His team-mate. Benji Achebe?

Never heard of you.

Well, I am his team-mate.

Yes. You obviously don't play that often,

because I'm a massive fan, and I'd recognise you.

One day you will. You will one day.

Well, yeah, because now I've met you!

No. I mean, because I've got a bright future.

Sorry to bother you - could we get a selfie?

Yeah, sure.

Just for when you get really famous.

Oh, we can't all fit in. Can you take it for us?

Fuck right off. See you later, J.

Jack?

Jack?

Jack.

Er, yeah, I know, yeah. I'm really sorry about that.

Yeah. Um...

No, it wasn't a great pass, no, but... yeah.

I told you it was him!

Yeah. He says he's on the bench this weekend.

I'm going to call Uncle Neil now.

You don't mind one more, do you?

Right, Uncle Neil! Er, no,

but I have really got to go to the toilet.

Uncle Neil?

Did Dad tell you?

Yeah. No, he'll be back in a minute.

Jack?

Um, Emily, your date.

She wants to know if you're coming out.

Er, yeah, I'll be out in a minute.

I'm just washing me hands.

Is that all the money you have?

I mean, of course, I can lend you some.

You pay me back, because I'm about to win again.

Yes! Fuck you! You potted the black! I win!

I win. Fuck you!

No, I pot the stripe and then the black. I win.

Oh, come off it, mate. You know the rules.

I thought you were my friend, Mattie.

What the fuck? You come into my house and try to steal from me?

You lost! Just accept it.

No. What's going on? He stole my money.

What? Yeah.

You give that back. No, it's mine. I won it,

just like he's won hundreds off me.

You didn't win nothing. You're a thief.

I'm sad.

I had all the papers drawn up for me to own you, but now.

Im not sure.

Oh, no!

I'm so gutted I'm not going to be owned by some fucking nutcase pimp

whose other property, Carlos, cheats at Laser Quest

and farms dogs!

So, thanks for the money, glad you got all the shit cleared up.

Well, most of it, anyway. And goodbye!

No! No! I'm... I'm keeping the money.

I'm keeping the money! I'm keeping the money!

I have the money.

Just washing his hands? Fuck off!

I promise you. Liar!

You snuck him out the back cos he didn't fancy me.

Well, you're getting a fucking shit Tripadvisor review!

No, no. My boss loves that site. Fuck you!

Um... Jack?

We're sort of shut now.

Been shut about an hour.

Can you leave, mate?

Shit!

Um... Yeah, course. Sorry.

Oh, great.

Sorry.

So, do you think you might get to play Saturday? It's a big game.

Some news coming out of the club about Carlos Velez.

He doesn't seem very happy, does he, Carlos?

You can tell him I speak enough Spanish to know what he means.

Mattie? Can I have a word outside?

Of course. What's up?

If I could tell you in here, we wouldn't need to go outside,

would we?

He wants to leave?

You don't need to read it all.

Carlos is a very important player for us. I agree.

I've been saying this. I've tried to make him feel more included.

Well, you haven't succeeded, cos his agent has handed in

a transfer request.

I think you mean his owner.

He mentioned you were culturally insensitive.

He has a puppy farm!

It's exactly that kind of thing he's talking about.

And he's a cheat. And that!

I was just trying to make friends with him,

to bring the team closer together.

Well, I'd like you to stop doing that.

Great. Thank you.

Jack, how was your date? Not bad.

I can never go back to Frankie & Benny's,

and Emily's got me banned from Tinder for lying about my identity.

Yeah. I think you're better off without. I didn't like her.

She seemed ignorant of talent.

How's Carlos?

Leaving the club. Because of me.

So, we were right! He's a weirdo.

Yeah. Say it.

You were right. Carlos is a weirdo.

Ha-ha! Decent midfielder, though.

Unbelievable touch. Right.

Well, that's me done with making friends.

Huh. Lucky you got us, then, because I'm about to cheer you right up.

Really? Yeah.

I'm going to turn the tables on Petey Brooks big time.

Yeah. He's been playing this massive prank

with this Malaysian businessman, and I've been playing along.

Is that sensible? Yes, cos I'm going to tell Petey

that I've rumbled him and I've reported him to the FA.

This is going to be mad.

Ah, Petey Brooks!

Good to see you.

I've got some bad n...

Oh, fuck me! That was amazing!

Oh, my God! The state of you!

Took us all week to rig that, but that was well worth it.

Got you. Capital P for pranked.

This was the prank?

What do you think it is, a birthday card?

This is the prank? This is how you got me?

Are you blind as well as stupid? Everyone is pissing themselves.

Totally got ya.

Yeah. Yeah, you did.

Mate, he got you there.

It's been a good week, hasn't it? It could get worse.

I've agreed to match-fix with a Malaysian crime syndicate!

And I've said you two will help!

I'm just going to wash me hands.

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