All language subtitles for The First Team s01e01 Selling Shirts.eng

This programme contains
strong language and adult humour.

After their disappointing results,

legendary manager Cesare
is certainly under pressure.

One of the greatest
managers of our time,

but it's been a while
since he's won anything.

Well, if his team carry on
performing like that,

the next thing Cesare will write

in that famous notebook is his
memoirs.

Why haven't the club made one
signing?

Not one signing!

The transfer window closes in five
hours.

We're getting the news that one late
move may be happening.

Have they? Yes. Who? Who?

Nah, must be a mistake, bruv.

This could be them now.

No, I don't recognise them. False
alarm.

Er, it's a dream come true.

But a surprise for sure.

Total shock.

I can't think of another player
who has made a leap like this

and I can't wait to meet Cesare
and ask him what he was thinking.

Cough.

Cough.

Right, cough.

Is everything all right, Doctor?

I have to pass this medical.

I need you to cough again -
this time while I hold your penis.

Cough.

Mattie Sullivan, our new signing.
How are you doing?

Sorry, could you give us a minute,
please?

Oh, that's fine, I don't mind.

Hey, Mattie, you like jumbotrons,
right?

Er... er, jumbotrons?
Jumbotrons.

Big screens at the stadium.

We're building the biggest jumbotron
in the world.

It's expensive,
hence no marquee signings this year,

but we will have a jumbotron
bigger than the pitch.

Bigger than the pitch?

Biggest in the world.

Bigger than life-size.

Why would you need that?

A jumbotron bigger than the pitch

above one of the stands.

OK, there's the actual pitch and

then a slightly bigger version of
the pitch

showing the same game... just above
it?

I knew you'd get it.

Well, come see me in my office after
this and we'll get you signed.

If you pass.

If you fail, then I guess this is
goodbye.

Cough.

Aguero!

Well, no, I'd not heard of him
either.

American. Yeah.

Well, you know, raise the profile,
sell some shirts back home.

Exactly.

Yeah.

Well, he might suck, yeah.

I know.

All right. Bye. Bye. Love you, Mom.

OK. Let's get you signed.

Oh, is the manager not going to be
here, Mr Crane?

Oh, please call me Mr Chairman.

Sadly, no.

Signor Cesare, our esteemed manager,
won't be present.

Oh. OK.

Sign here, here and here, please.

Wow, I've got to say, when I heard

there was an American international
available,

I jumped at the chance.

Oh, I don't play for the US national
team.

US men's team. You play for the US
men's team.

No, I haven't been selected... yet!

So I just signed an American

who's not even an international?

Yeah, Danielle, can you get me
Jonathan?

Yes, Head of Legal Jonathan.

Thank you.

OK, Mattie, well, I've got some
urgent legal stuff to deal with,

so I will see you tomorrow

maybe.

Yes! Benjamin, are you messaging

those pornographic women again?
She's an influencer.

It's pornography. Look at this girl.

Filthy and dirty.
Think of what you could catch.

Are you listening to me?

You only work one hour a day.
Still you're going to be late.

You could have been a doctor.
Why are you not a doctor?

Oh, come on. Get out of here.

If I slap you.

Bye, Mum. Love you.

Suck my dick.
Just press the button, will you?

Suck my arsehole. Right, I'm
going. Nah, come on, mate.

It's only 3-0. I can get this
back.

Nah, I've got to get to school.

Shit, what time's it? 8.50.

Ah, you're joking! I'm late for
work.

You've got a job?
Yeah, and I'm here in my pants.

You're a grown-up
and you're in your pants? Mum!

Oh, no way, man.

Whose car's this?

It's mine. Is it fuck.

Why'd you stop me?
Because we can

and because your car is blinding
peop...

Wait a minute.

Are you Benji Achebe?

Y-Yeah.

I knew it.

Take a look at this.

I've had a season ticket for 20
years.

So cool to meet you, mate.

He's not a fan.

He thinks we're shit.

"Yeah, Cesare used to be good,
but what's he won recently?"

That's what you say, innit?

"Coming sixth for eight years
isn't a trophy,"

that's what he says. Prick.

Bro, I'm gonna be late for training.

Yeah, we just need to see your
insurance, please.

Yeah, we will need to see your
insurance.

Look, the thing is, I haven't got
insurance for this exact car.

I mean, at my age,
it's so expensive, it's a crime.

Hey, that's what you should
be investigating.

Ha-ha, no doubt. Yeah.

So, we can work this out, huh?

Why don't I get you a couple
of tickets to the game Saturday?

As my guest.

Get a bit of VIP treatment.

I would love that. Yeah, it would be
decent, actually.

Be good to watch you lose.

What's he like?

All right. Sweet. No problem.

I'll leave the tickets
and the passes at the box office.

Yeah, well, you can't drive the car.

What? Benji!

You haven't got any insurance.

So I'm Olivia Talbot, Head of Press,

which encompasses a number of
things.

Obviously, you need to clear it with
me

before you speak to any journalists,

but I'll also be your best friend,
Mattie.

I'll do anything for you.
Thank you. Thanks.

I was really hoping that...

But one day I will stab you in the
back.

You can trust me entirely.

My door is always open.

I'm here for you.

You mentioned backstabbing.

But know this

I work for the club and if, for
example,

they want me to turn the fans
against you,

I'll do it immediately.

And you're here to welcome me?

I am. Any questions?

Will Cesare be at the press
conference?

Press conference for what?

My signing. Me signing for the club.

Oh, there isn't one.

Really? Why not?

Don't think anyone would come, do
you?

You came back, which is brave.

Oh, Chris, can you show
our new signing, as of now, around?

This is Chris Booth.
He's our Head of Press.

Well, Assistant Coach, but he knows
that.

Er, Chris, this is...
Mattie. Mattie Sullivan.

Yeah, great to meet you.
Great to meet you too.

Oh, great to meet you.

Oh, just said that, didn't I?

Wally.

Well, what a treat, eh?

Our young signing from America.

He's not an American international.

Jonathan, thank God.
Jonathan, my mom's going to kill me.

Right, well, let's show you around
the training facility, shall we?

Oh, this is where the kit man is.

He's a great guy.

Fuck off.

And this is the car park.

Lots of cars here.

All making sense so far?

Yep, it's the car park.

Chris, I've not met Cesare yet
and I'm just getting a bit worried.

Do you know why he signed me?

I imagine cos you're bloody
brilliant, aren't you?

I don't know.

Am I good enough for this level?

Mattie, do you know
what they say about here?

No?

Trust in Cesare.

Trust... in Cesare.

Yeah, yeah, of course.
I mean, he's meticulous, right?

Those books that he writes in, the
hundreds of notes he takes all game

I imagine you've learned so much
from them.

Nah, never seen them. The boss, he
keeps his notes very close to his

chest. Such an enigma.
But I owe that man everything.

When my knee injury ended my career,

he got me straight on the coaching
staff.

It's bloody hard work, though,
coaching.

My wife's not happy.

Hardly ever sees me.

Or maybe she's happier.

Ahh...

Every marriage has
its ups and downs, doesn't it?

Oh, I'd better go and deal with
this.

The dressing rooms are over there.
Great bunch of pros.

Like, eugh! Banter.

Hey, guys.

Mattie Sullivan.

Just signed.

From Sporting Kansas.

It's in the MLS. The American
league.

You guys know what the MLS is.

Great.

Ah!

Bonjour. Vous etes francais?

Je m'appelle Mattie.

I just picked up a few words in

every language - just a way to make
friends.

Well, I guess I'd better find a
spot, then.

Don't sit there. That's Carlos'
place.

Oh, right, yeah. Sorry.

Alors! Non, non, pas la.
OK. Right, right, right.

Er...

No! OK. Oh, OK. OK.

Sit here, mate. No-one sits here.

Oh. Thanks.

That's my fucking seat!

Oh, shit, yeah, Petey sits there.

Read my lips.

That is my seat.

Don't have to read your lips, cos I

can hear the noise your mouth is
making.

Are you disrespecting me?

Is that what you're doing?

No, but it's a little bit hard to

take you seriously, as you are
completely naked.

Yeah, what's funny about that? My
dick?

No, course not.

You steal my seat, then laugh at my
dick.

I've got a very long foreskin.

Is that funny?

No, I didn't know that.
Do you want me to look?

Do I want you to look at my dick?

This is banter, right?

Is this banter?!

Ah, stop mucking about, you two.
Come on. Let's get out there.

Mattie, come on.
Don't want to be late on day one.

Er... er, Petey.

Don't tell me what to do.

You didn't when we played together.
Don't now.

Priceless. Don't change, Petey.

No, listen, right? Results are

terrible and they finish training at
12.

What do they do all day? Train more.

And what if they get injured?
Don't get injured.

I wouldn't mind doing a job where I
do half a day's work on their wages.

Excuse me! Jack!

Now, come on, mate, please. I need
them.

Then buy your own.

You've got the money.

Everything OK? Yeah, yeah, fine.

He caught me.

You were stealing toilet paper.
Borrowing.

I'm not sure you can borrow toilet
paper.

Have you not got any at home?

No, I don't buy it. It's
embarrassing, innit?

What if someone saw me?

They might think that, like every
other human on Earth, you excrete.

Exactly. Embarrassing.

Jack, are you telling me you've

never bought toilet paper, not even
online?

Oh, mate, that's way worse.

A stranger coming to your house
with a big box of shit paper.

This might seem like a weird
question as we've just met,

but where are you pooing, then,
Jack?

Er, usually at work.

Sometimes I use the disabled bogs

for a treat, but I weren't feeling
it today.

OK. Tell me if I'm crossing a line

here, but do you want me to help
you,

a grown man, buy some toilet paper?

Yeah.

Yeah, you can do, if you like.

Me car's parked in the car park.

And this is the car park.

Yo, Jack! Yes, mate.

Got a spare ticket for Saturday?
I need one.

Both of mine are going free.

I don't have anyone to...
Nice one. Cheers.

Going to show this Instagram hottie
the time of her life.

What have you done with your
tickets?

Gave them to the Old Bill.
Charity? Sort of.

What are you doing now, then? Mum's

not picking me up for the next three
hours.

Oh, your mom still picks you up?

She's normally more reliable than
this.

Why not get an Uber?
I can't, because...

And it's so unfair... They won't
pick me up, cos my rating's so low.

I've never heard of that.

I book the car, right?

So for that amount of time, that's
my car.

If I get caught short
and I need to piss in a car,

in a bottle, then that's my car.

I can piss. It's not like I'm trying
to spill any. I barely spilled any.

OK. I'm Mattie, by the way.
I know.

The only player who signed in the
transfer window.

So, Jack, can I get a lift, then?

Yeah, yeah, just going to go to the
cash-and-carry.

Mattie's going to help me
buy my first-ever bog roll.

I hate this. It's so embarrassing.

Bro, stealing toilet paper from work
to wipe your cheeks

has got to be more embarrassing.

I can't imagine doing this all the
time.

Which is why we're going to buy you

enough toilet paper to last until
you're 30,

by which time, I assume,
you'll be married.

Hope so. So you're now, what,
21?

Yeah, just. So that's nine years.

52 weeks in a year. Let's say two
rolls a week. 104.

104 times 9. What's that?

Joking, aren't you?

It's 936. So all you need to do
is buy 936 rolls.

Fine, just be quick.
Bro, this is tragic.

I'm glad my new girlfriend
don't shop here.

You got a girlfriend, Mattie?

Me? No. Single, yeah? Playa!

So when was the last time
you got some action, then?

Well, if by action you mean sex,
then, I guess, probably 2017.

What?! The year 2017.

Yeah. So you're a virgin?

No, because I've had sex.

But it's been so long, you're
basically a virgin. Not really.

It's binary. Virgin or not virgin.

Or born-again virgin.

It's a self-imposed dry patch.

I've been focusing on my career.

Jack Turner? Er, yeah.

I saw you play the other day
against Sunderland in the cup.

Yeah.
You were absolutely diabolical.

You strolled around, half-arsing
tackles.

You don't care about the club,
about the badge.

You lot, you just get it handed to
you - massive wages, easy life.

Turn up... not bothered.

You, sir, have no idea
what you're talking about.

I've supported this team for 25
years.

I have watched and suffered as
people like him destroy this club.

You've suffered? Mmm.
You've suffered?

For years, Jack Turner has woken up
at six in the morning to train,

muscles aching from the day before.

Most men his age are out drinking,
eating junk food, having fun.

But every night he goes to bed
sober.

He sacrifices a normal life
to entertain you.

Yes, he gets paid well, but his

career could be ended by one bad
tackle

and he has to take abuse from fans
even when he's out buying

936 rolls of toilet paper.

936 rolls of toilet paper.

I can guarantee Jack wants to win

more than you, more than any
supporter,

because for him it's not just
entertainment, it's his whole life.

You were still shit.

What a prick.

Yeah, fair comment, though.
What?

Was shit in that game, like.

I'd been up all night playing
Fortnite.

Oh, my gosh. Look, look, look.

Over there. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, it's Jack Turner.

No way, Jack.

Are you in the team Saturday?
Yeah.

Wait, what's with all the toilet
roll, Jack?

Have you got a bum problem, Jack?

Yeah, have you got a bum problem
Jack?

What do you need all this for?
You got poo problems?

Oh, no, he's going to poo himself.
Look at...

Oh, he's embarrassed.

Fucking told you.

Gonna poo himself!

That's exactly what I was worried
about. Come on.

Who cares? They're just kids.

Kids who think you've got a bum
problem, which is embarrassing.

They filmed it too. Oh, no!
Look, Jack, it's not embarrassing.

You poo, everyone poos. It's not
weird.

It's not like you're Petey and

you've got a windsock for a
foreskin.

Look, I'll go and I'll talk to them
and just ask them not to share it.

OK, well, probably haven't got
that many followers anyway.

Whoa! Nice house, Jack.

You just move in?

Yeah, about two years ago.

Oh, shit. I'd best text the
landlord.

To change a light bulb?

Yeah, course.

Can I get a glass of water?

Water in the tap.

No glasses? No.

This is what you guys do all day?

Play PlayStation?
Normally, yeah.

Well, in Kansas,
they'd fill our time for us,

like we'd have
double training sessions or study.

Of course, we do a lot of charity
work.

We do charity stuff all the time.

Always visiting the kids at the
hospital.

I swear I know every single sick kid
within 50 miles.

The maddest thing is, they only care
about the star names.

They don't care about up-and-coming
talent.

Last time I went, that kid
literally rolled his eyes at me.

I think that was a seizure.

Yeah. My days! You're butters on
this, Jack.

Yeah, I e-mailed them about it.

Fuck me, you're slow!

I mean, you are slow but not that
slow.

Yeah, so slow I made the squad
for the game tomorrow and you never.

Yeah, well, I don't mind sitting
in the stands

if I'm sitting next
to a smoking-hot Instachick.

Wow, she is so disproportionately
attractive compared to you.

Yeah, at the game she'll get the
full VIP treatment

and then after the game she'll get
the full V-I-penis treatment.

Round your mum's house?

No. No, no, no. No.

Getting some fresh wheels delivered
tomorrow.

Going to drive her home. Perfect
gent.

And then she's going to be like,

"Want to come in for some coffee,
Benji?"

I'm going to be like,
"Only if it's decaf, babes."

"Sleep's important for recovery."

And then she's going to be like,
"I meant come in for sex."

Then I'm going to say,
"Don't mind if I do, babes."

"Don't mind if I do."

And there you have it.

A night of Mum-free sex.

As opposed to the usual Mum-included
sex?

You know, I've been meaning
to ask you guys something,

and don't take this as a weakness
on my part,

but do you think that Cesare
might have signed me by mistake?

Don't know. I mean, how shit are
you?

Tricky for me to answer.

I mean, I am a professional
footballer, so there's that.

Maybe the scouts see something.
Check his stats on FIFA.

Kansas.

Oh, they're bad.

Erm, Matthew Sullivan, where are
you?

No, you're not there. No card.

What? Must be an old version.

It's FIFA 20. Or you haven't
updated it yet.

Updated it this morning.

You don't exist on FIFA?
Is that even possible?

I think I really need to talk to
Cesare. Yes!

Bow! Top bins! Oh, come on, just
press the button.

No, I need to see the replay
and the full celebration.

Just press it, will you?

Yeah. Tomorrow.

Huge game for Cesare's men

if they want to avoid losing
four home games on the bounce.

We've got to win this.

Every game is huge for us now.

It's a must-win.

Come on, boys. Come on!

Ref?!

You knobhead.

Can you see what Cesare's doing?

Yes, managing a team. It's a
match.

Those notes in those books. God, I

would love to know what he's writing
in them.

"Don't sign Mattie Sullivan -
he's not even on FIFA."

Did you guys have to wear uniform?
Looks like I'm on day release.

We're skiving off. Don't tell
anyone.

Jack, get stripped. You're on.

Yes, go on, boy. Yes, Jack.

Whoo!

Come on, Jack!

Coming on, number 16, Jack Sullivan.

Jack Turner, just on, and

his first touch is to take this
corner.

And the fans must be

wondering what's happening at this
club.

What's one more loss, eh?

I genuinely hate this team.

We go again! Come on!

Er, guys, is the boss here?

Ow! Fu...

Did you tell some kids
I've got a long foreskin?

Yes, to illustrate a point.

I can't really...

At least you're not naked this time.

Ugh! Stop looking at my foreskin.

Nah, come on, Petey, leave him.

I want you out! You're bad luck!

Where's Mattie?

He's hiding in the cupboard.

Don't worry, Petey. I got it pulled.
Not your foreskin, obviously

that would take too long.

Mattie, Cesare's ready to see you.

I'm sorry, the kids said they'd
share the video about Jack,

but I didn't know they'd mention.

Petey's foreskin. Please don't be
angry.

I am angry about that, but it can
wait.

Now you've got to see the boss.

I'm scared of Petey.

I'll look after you.

You said you would stab me in the
back.

Oh, I will, but not right now.

There's my big brave boy. Come on.

Signor Cesare?

Hey, Mattie.

Mattie, come.

Have a glass.

Enjoy with me.

It's OK.

You're a good boy.

Values.

Sorry?

Values, Mattie.

When I come to England, I respect
values.

I build.

I succeed... I think. Do you think?

Oh, my goodness. Yes. Yeah.

Hmm. Yeah. Your teams have been
amazing.

As a kid, I dreamt of playing for
you.

I nearly fainted when my agent told
me about your interest.

Yes, yes, always before... manager
come,

"Have a glass of Barolo," but now,

"Hey, shut up, old wop prick!"
for 90 minuto.

Then cry with press if I don't shake
hand.

Then fuck off home!

I'm not wop prick.

They prick.

Like I said, I always dreamt
of playing for you.

Never really thought I had what it
took to play Cesare-ball.

But you must have seen something.

Yes. You come from Academy.

Oh, no. No, no, no. No. No, I was
just signed from Kansas this week.

Yes?

Yes. Oh.

Something I remember,
something I don't remember.

Too many things
to write down all the time.

Well, you're famous for it.

I mean, all those notes
over all those years.

And I hope to coach one day and...
Hey, Mattie,

if you speak this much,
I sit down, I get comfortable, huh?

You are a smart boy.

Yeah, yeah, of course.
Please, please sit down, erm

I do have one question for you,
though.

Kind of a big question for me.

Why did you sign me?

Wasn't to sell shirts, was it?

No, I'm sure it wasn't. And you
wouldn't even think like that.

I'm just such a left-field choice,
and... Sorry.

I didn't mean to ask. I'm just
nervous and-and out of my depth.

Or not. Or maybe I'm not.
Maybe I was a stats decision.

But then, I'm not even on FIFA, so

how did you find me and what did you
see in me? Why did you want me?

I fucked up.

I'm sorry.

How can I ask a legend like you
these questions?

I am a piece of shit.

I'm going.

Oh...

Er, no. Oh, God.

Er, no, no, no, no.

Er, sir, please don't be dead.
Er... er...

Oh.

No, you're alive. Of course you're
not dead.

I just... bored you to sleep.

Nice. Good work, Mattie.

Well, OK, thank you for your time.

Sudoku.

Great.

What a fucking mess.

Everything all right?
Actually, not sure.

One minute we were talking,
next minute he fell asleep.

Yeah, he has a low tolerance
for boring people.

Goodnight, Mattie.

Yeah. Great. Goodnight.

Mo, can you and Raul come up?

Yep, out like a light.
You'll have to carry him again.

No, he looks dry down there.

And this is where we park the cars.

Oh, cheers, mate. It's been a great
night. Shame about the result.

Bet you didn't expect to be sitting
next to two coppers, did you?

No, that's not what I expected.
Benji Achebe?

Yeah. Got your new car. Ah! Oh!

Not another uninsured Bentley, I
hope. No, no, no.

Learnt my lesson. You're going to
love this, babe, promise.

Yeah? Yeah, come on.

Not you two... Oh, fine.

Here it is! Ha-ha! Yeah!

Whoo! Bit of a step-down, Benji.

Best of both worlds. I mean, it

looks the shit, but with affordable
insurance, huh?

Now, if you'll excuse us, officers,
we've got to roll.

Is this for real?
I thought you had a Bentley.

Come on, I'll explain later. Just...

Presumably you've registered
the colour change with the DVLA.

With who? Changing the colour of a

car without informing the DVLA is
illegal.

But it's the original colour
underneath.

Yeah, that don't matter. It's

visible colour. You can't drive
this.

Is this some joke ting?
No joke ting.

What about the VIP tickets? The
dinner?

Attempting to bribe a police officer
is punishable

with up to ten years in prison.
What?

No, I didn't. No, I was just..

Mate, we're winding you up.

See? Old Bill can banter too.

See you later, mate.

So can I drive this home, yeah?

No!

All right, help me pick this off.

It can't take us more than, what,
20 minutes?

I am not wasting a �40 manicure
on a shitty Ford Focus.

Call an Uber.

I can't. That's another story.

You can't even get an Uber?

For the duration of that journey,

that's my car, and I barely spilled
any.

Can't you call it?

Yeah. I can.

An Uber for one. Bye.

Yeah. Bye.
I can pay you back. Come on.

They don't even make Ubers for
one. Oh, piss off!

Ah, second-hand toilet paper.
Nice. Yeah, they're Jack's brand.

Oh, they'll forget all about that.
What, the fans? Never.

Not until the day you retire.
Then not even after that.

Yeah, in 50 years they'll still be
giving you rolls of toilet paper.

Oh, sound. How are we getting home
again?

Here, help me pick this off
and I'll give you a lift.

Can't take us more than, what, four
hours?

How was your chat with Cesare,
then? Yeah, good.

Still got that fire, hasn't he?

Don't know. Not understood a word
he's said in five years.

Oh, this is wrong, man!
I'm going to drive it anyway.

Come on, Benji, it's not worth it.

Nah, nah, nah. I've got a plan.

Ha-ha! I'm a genius.

If they can't see the colour, they
can't tell me it's the wrong colour.

Could work.
It's not going to work.

Hey, that's about six months' worth
of toilet paper you've used.

I'll roll it up again after I get
home.

Oh, allow it, man. Told you.

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