Original subtitles

>> Announcer: TONIGHT ON "LATE NIGHT WITH SETH MEYERS,"

MIKE BIRBIGLIA, STAR OF "BLACK MONDAY," ACTRESS, REGINA HALL,

AN ALL NEW "CLOSER LOOK," FEATURING THE 8G BAND WITH

FRED ARMISEN AND NOW SETH MEYERS.

♪ >> Seth: WELCOME TO "LATE

NIGHT. HOW'S EVERYBODY DOING?

I JUST FOUND OUT YOU ARE ALLOWED TO USE THE BATHROOM DURING

QUARANTINE I MEAN, I KIND OF WISH IT WAS

SOMETHING THEY MENTIONED ON DAY ONE, BUT YOU KNOW, BETTER LATE

THAN NEVER LET'S GET TO THE NEWS.

WHILE TOURING THE SOUTHERN BORDER YESTERDAY IN ARIZONA,

PRESIDENT TRUMP SIGNED A PLAQUE, COMMEMORATING THE 200th MILE OF

BORDER WALL. YOU KNOW THE BORDER'S LIKE 2,000

MILES LONG, RIGHT? SEEMS A LITTLE PREMATURE

WHAT DOES THE PLAQUE SAY, "TO BE CONTINUED"

TRUMP MUST BE ONE OF THOSE GUYS WHO TAKES THE BURRITO OUT OF THE

MICROWAVE WITH 40 SECONDS TO GO. "THE ICE CRYSTALS ARE

REFRESHING IT'S THE BEST PART."

THAT'S RIGHT PRESIDENT TRUMP VISITED THE U. S.

MEXICO BORDER YESTERDAY FOR THE FIRST TIME THIS YEAR, BUT THEY

GOT HIM BACK "WE GOT A RUNNER

YOU CAN GIVE HIM A HEAD START. WE'RE GOING TO CATCH HIM."

ACCORDING TO A NEW POLL, THE MOST POPULAR CHOICE AMONG

COLLEGE STUDENTS TO BE FORMER VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN'S RUNNING

MATE IS SENATOR ELIZABETH WARREN

"WHAT DOES SHE HAVE THAT I DON'T HAVE," YELLED ON, AMY KLOBUCHAR,

WHO DID NOT EXPECT SO MANY ANSWERS.

"WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, ONE AT A TIME, ONE AT A TIME.

LEADERS OF THE EUROPEAN UNION ARE REPORTEDLY CONSIDERING A BAN

ON AMERICAN TOURISTS WHEN BORDERS REOPEN IN JULY BECAUSE

OF HOW THE U. S. IS HANDLING THE CORONAVIRUS.

AND ALSO, YOU KNOW, ALL THE OTHER REASONS.

CORONAVIRUS MIGHT JUST BE A COVER IN THIS CASE

PRESIDENT TRUMP MET WITH THE PRESIDENT OF POLAND TODAY.

SO IT WAS A LOT OF, "YEAH, UH‐HUH, NO, I HAVE HEARD THAT

ONE, BUT YEAH, NO, KEEP GOING. AMAZON HAS REPORTEDLY SIGNED A

LEASE FOR A 1 MILLION SQUARE‐FOOT WAREHOUSE IN

NEW YORK CITY SO THAT TWO EMPLOYEES CAN GO BACK TO WORK

SAFELY AN EXTREMELY RARE "STAR WARS"

ACTION FIGURE HAS GONE UP FOR AUCTION AND IS EXPECTED TO SELL

FOR MORE THAN $225,000 APPARENTLY, IT'S AN INTRICATELY

SCULPTED FIGURE OF A FEMALE AUDIENCE MEMBER.

A DOG IN TENNESSEE NAMED AUGUST IS BELIEVED TO BE THE OLDEST

LIVING GOLDEN RETRIEVER AT 20 YEARS OLD.

DAMN, THAT DOG IS SO OLD, HE THINKS HIS OWNER'S NEVER COMING

HOME WHEN SHE'S STILL IN THE ROOM

THAT DOG IS SO OLD, THE LAST BONE HE ATE WAS ONE OF HIS OWN

THAT DOG'S SO OLD, WHENEVER HE STANDS UP, EVERYONE IN THE

FAMILY FEELS SAD ALL RIGHT, YOU KNOW WHAT, THESE

AREN'T WORKING ALSO, THOSE JOKES WERE SUBMITTED

AS BEING FROM BOTH IAN AND MIKE, BECAUSE OBVIOUSLY THEY WANTED ME

TO KNOW IT WAS A TWO‐MAN JOB THEY PUT THEIR HEADS TOGETHER IN

THAT ONE, IAN MORGAN AND MIKE SCOLLINS.

AND FINALLY, A NEW YORK‐BASED BIDET COMPANY ANNOUNCED THIS

WEEK THAT IT IS OFFERING TO PAY SOMEONE $10 THOUSAND TO STUDY

THEIR BATHROOM HABITS OVER THE SUMMER

SO THIS WOULD BE YOUR JOB BY NIGHT, AND THEN YOU COULD HAVE A

REGULAR JOB BIDET. YOU KNOW, IAN WROTE THAT ONE TOO

WITHOUT MIKE AND I THINK IF THERE'S ANY

TAKEAWAY HERE, IAN, IT'S THAT YOU DON'T NEED MIKE, BUDDY

HE'S BRINGING YOU DOWN HE'S TRICKING YOU INTO WRITING

SAD JOKES ABOUT AN OLD DOG AND YOU GOT TO BREAK FREE OF

MIKE YOU CAN DO IT IAN.

BREAK FREE OF HIM. THAT WAS THE MONOLOGUE

WE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.

HE'S A VERY FUNNY COMEDIAN AND GOOD FRIEND OF OUR SHOW.

MIKE BIRBIGLIA IS BACK AND YOU KNOW HER FROM "GIRLS

TRIP" AND "THE HATE U GIVE." SHE IS CURRENTLY STARRING IN

"BLACK MONDAY," WHICH RETURNS

THIS SUNDAY, REGINA HALL WILL BE HERE BUT FIRST, "A CLOSER LOOK.

>> Seth: HELLO EVERYONE, AND WELCOME BACK TO THE ATTIC.

IF YOU HAVE BEEN FOLLOWING MY THREE‐MONTHS‐PLUS JOURNEY UP

HERE, YOU KNOW WE'VE HAD TO WORK OUT SOME KINKS

THERE HAVE BEEN BOOK SHENANIGANS, AN INFESTATION OF

ADORABLE WASPS, MY HAIR PART MYSTERIOUSLY SWITCHING SIDES,

AND THEN ON TOP OF ALL THAT, SOME HELPFUL EAGLE‐EYED VIEWERS

CAUGHT A BIT OF AN IRREGULARITY FROM OUR MONDAY SHOW, SOMETHING

THAT CAN ONLY BE DESCRIBED AS AN ACCIDENTAL CAMEO

I ASSURE YOU WE ARE LOOKING INTO THIS PROBLEM AND WE WILL HAVE IT

FIXED. AS I HAVE REPEATEDLY TOLD MY

MANY FAMOUS FRIENDS, THE DOOR IN MY ATTIC, REGARDLESS OF ITS

APPARENT MAGICAL QUALITIES, IS NOT TO BE ABUSED FOR WALK‐ONS OR

PLUGS. AND I CERTAINLY DON'T WANT TO BE

RESPONSIBLE FOR ANYONE GETTING TRAPPED IN THERE, ESPECIALLY NOT

ACADEMY AWARD NOMINEE ETHAN HAWKE.

BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, THAT MAN COMMITS.

IF HE GETS TRAPPED IN THERE, IT'S GOING TO BE LIKE 12 YEARS

"BOYHOOD" STYLE. AND SPEAKING OF THINGS THAT FEEL

LIKE THEY'VE GONE ON FOR 12 YEARS, PRESIDENT TRUMP, YES,

THE SEGUES ARE BACK, AND HIS ALLIES ON FOX NEWS HAVE SETTLED

ON A STRATEGY FOR GETTING RE‐ELECTED

ECONOMIC ‐‐ OH, SORRY, I READ THAT WRONG RACISM

THEIR STRATEGY IS RACISM FOR MORE ON THIS, IT'S TIME FOR "A CLOSER LOOK."

>> Seth: EVERY DAY BRINGS FRESH NEW EVIDENCE OF THE DEPRAVITY

AND AMORAL CRIMINALITY OF THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION

THE DETAILS MAY DIFFER, BUT IN MANY WAYS, IT FEELS LIKE THE

SAME DAY OVER AND OVER AGAIN IT'S LIKE WE'RE ALL BILL MURRAY

IN "GROUNDHOG DAY," EXCEPT NO ONE IS LEARNING THE PIANO AND WE

STILL HATE NED RYERSON GET LOST, NED!

THIS IS "GROUNDHOG DAY" IF THE CEREMONY WAS WAITING FOR THE

GROUNDHOG TO MAKE HIS WAY DOWN THE RAMP

NO MATTER WHAT, IT TAKES HIM SIX MORE WEEKS OF WINTER TO GET FROM

THE TOP TO THE BOTTOM. CONGRESS COULD SPEND THE NEXT

DECADE INVESTIGATING TRUMP AND STILL NOT GET TO EVERYTHING.

HE'S A RACIST TAX CHEAT WHO PROFITS FROM HIS OFFICE, WANTS

TO SLOW DOWN TESTING FOR A PANDEMIC HE IGNORED.

HE'S FACING NEW ACCUSATIONS THAT HE EXTORTED MULTIPLE COUNTRIES

TO INTERFERE IN OUR ELECTIONS. AND JUST TODAY, WE HEARD DAMNING

CONGRESSIONAL TESTIMONY FROM A PROSECUTOR IN THE ROGER STONE

CASE ALLEGING THE TOP JUSTICE DEPARTMENT OFFICIALS INTERVENED

TO GET FAVORABLE TREATMENT FOR STONE BECAUSE HE WAS A POLITICAL ALLY OF THE PRESIDENT.

COMMITTEE HEARING LATER TODAY, A FEDERAL

PROSECUTOR PLANS TO TESTIFY THAT ATTORNEY GENERAL WILLIAM BARR

AND HIS TOP DEPUTIES GAVE INAPPROPRIATE ORDERS ON CASES IN

AN EFFORT TO CATER TO PRESIDENT TRUMP.

>> ROGER STONE WAS TREATED DIFFERENTLY BECAUSE OF POLITICS.

WHAT I HEARD REPEATEDLY WAS THAT THIS LENIENCY WAS HAPPENING

BECAUSE OF STONE'S RELATIONSHIP TO THE PRESIDENT, THAT THE

ACTING U. S. ATTORNEY FOR THE DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA WAS

RECEIVING HEAVY PRESSURE FROM THE HIGHEST LEVELS OF THE

DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE AND THAT HIS INSTRUCTIONS TO US WERE

BASED ON POLITICAL CONSIDERATIONS

AND I WAS TOLD THAT THE ACTING U. S.

ATTORNEY WAS GIVING STONE A BREAK BECAUSE HE WAS AFRAID OF

THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.

>> Seth: OF COURSE THEY'RE AFRAID OF THE PRESIDENT.

LOOK AT HIM. LOOKS LIKE SOMETHING FROM A

LEGEND THEY TELL KIDS IN A SMALL IRISH VILLAGE TO MAKE THEM DO

THEIR HOMEWORK "FINISH YOUR MATHS, LIAM, OR THE

FIRE GOLLUM WILL CLIMB INTO THE WINDOW AND EAT YOUR HANDS.

HE'LL EAT YOUR HANDS, LIAM." LOOKS LIKE SOMETHING THAT WOULD

POP OUT AT YOU ON AN AMAZON RIVER CRUISE

ANACONMAN. WHOO, HOO‐HOO!

THAT ONE DESERVES AN ATTIC HIGH‐FIVE.

♪ ATTIC HIGH‐FIVE ♪ [ CLAP ]

THE PRESIDENT SUBVERTED THE RULE OF LAW TO GET FAVORABLE

TREATMENT FOR A POLITICAL ALLY AND KEY GO‐BETWEEN IN RUSSIA'S

CRIMINAL CONSPIRACY TO HELP TRUMP WIN THE 2016 ELECTION.

A GUY WHO, SETTING ASIDE ALL THE EVIDENCE AGAINST HIM, LOOKS LIKE

AN OBVIOUS CRIMINAL. I MEAN, HE JUST LOOKS LIKE A

VILLAIN WHO WOULD TRY TO STEAL THE TARDIS FROM DOCTOR WHO

IF YOU DIDN'T KNOW HE WAS AN ADVISER TO TRUMP, YOU'D THINK HE

WAS A TIMES SQUARE WEIRDO PRETENDING TO BE JAMES SPADER

FROM "THE BLACKLIST. "HEY LADY, DO YOUR KIDS WANT A

PICTURE WITH RED YOU KNOW, RED FROM 'THE

BLACKLIST.'" AND HEY, SINCE WE MENTIONED

JAMES SPADER, I ALSO WANT TO MENTION THAT MY SUMMER GOAL

CONTINUES TO BE GROWING MY HAIR LONG ENOUGH TO LOOK LIKE

JAMES SPADER'S CHARACTER STEFF FROM "PRETTY IN PINK."

I'M GOING TO GO OUT AND BUY THE SUIT AND EVERYTHING.

OF COURSE, THE ONLY THING I CAN'T BUY IS THAT SPADER

CONFIDENCE AH, ONE DAY.

AND THE STONE NEWS COMES JUST DAYS AFTER TRUMP'S DOJ OUSTED

ONE OF THE MOST POWERFUL PROSECUTORS IN THE COUNTRY, THE

U.S. ATTORNEY FOR THE SOUTHERN DISTRICT NEW YORK.

THAT'S THE OFFICE CURRENTLY OVERSEEING SEVERAL

INVESTIGATIONS OF TRUMP AND HIS ALLIES INCLUDING TRUMP'S LAWYER

AND SUNDOWNING GREMLIN RUDY GIULIANI.

"FINISH YOUR SCIENCE PROJECT TOO, LIAM, OR THE POTATO VAMPIRE

WILL FLY THROUGH YOUR WINDOW AND STEAL YOUR PILLS

I DON'T KNOW WHAT HE WANTS YOUR PILLS FOR, LIAM.

I JUST KNOW HE'S COMING. IF THAT PAPER MACHE VOLCANO

ISN'T DONE COME MORNING, LIAM. TRUMP IS USING THE COVER OF A

SERIES OF ACUTE NATIONAL CRISES FROM INSTITUTIONAL RACISM AND

POLICE BRUTALITY TO THE PANDEMIC, TO THE ECONOMIC CRASH,

TO DISMANTLE THE RULE OF LAW, AND PROTECT HIMSELF AND HIS

CRONIES. IT'S LIKE IF NIXON HAD MANAGED

TO DISTRACT EVERYONE FROM "WATERGATE" BY CRASHING HIS CAR

INTO A DAIRY QUEEN THERE ARE DAYS WHEN IT CAN FEEL

DIFFICULT TO FULLY CAPTURE THE GRAVITY OF THE SITUATION WE'RE

IN BUT THEN THERE ARE OTHER DAYS

WHEN YOU REALIZE THERE REALLY ARE NO WORDS TO CONVEY JUST HOW

SEISMICALLY HISTORICALLY EARTH SHATTERINGLY STUPID EVERYTHING

IS RIGHT NOW LIKE YESTERDAY WHEN THE

PRESIDENT SPOKE TO AN AUDITORIUM OF SO‐CALLED STUDENTS FOR TRUMP

IN A STATE, ARIZONA, WHICH IS CURRENTLY SEEING A

RECORD‐SETTING SPIKE IN

CORONAVIRUS CASES. AND HE AMPED UP THE CROWD WITH THIS SUPER RACIST COMMENT.

>> THERE'S NEVER BEEN ANYTHING WHERE THEY HAVE SO MANY NAMES.

I COULD GIVE YOU 19 OR 20 NAMES FOR THAT, RIGHT?

IT'S GOT ALL DIFFERENT NAMES WUHAN.

WUHAN WAS CATCHING ON. CORONAVIRUS, RIGHT

KUNG FLU [ CHEERING ]

KUNG FLU >> Seth: YOU KNOW, RACISTS LIKE

TO COMPLAIN THAT THE RULES ARE CHANGING ALL THE TIME AND THEY

DON'T KNOW WHAT'S OKAY TO SAY, WHAT ISN'T

BUT THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN RACIST IN 1920.

IF CLARA BOW HAD SAID THAT, SHE'D HAVE BEEN CANCELED

"BOW'S GOT TO GO." THAT'S LIKE SOMETHING A RACIST

FOURTH GRADER WOULD SPRAY‐PAINT IN THE BATHROOM AND GET EXPELLED

FOR. UNLESS THAT SCHOOL REQUIRED

TWO‐THIRDS OF THE SENATE TO VOTE TO EXPEL, IN WHICH CASE,

SUSAN COLLINS WOULD BE TELLING US, "I THINK TIMMY HAS LEARNED

HIS LESSON IN REGARDS TO SPRAY‐PAINTING

[ HISSING HE'S SPRAY‐PAINTING BEHIND ME

RIGHT NOW, ISN'T HE? I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY

ANYMORE, MAN HE JUST SUCKS SO HARD, JUST A

THOROUGHLY CRETINOUSLY, IRREDEEMABLE MR. TOMATO HEAD

SLINKING BACK TO THE WHITE HOUSE LIKE HE JUST GOT KICKED OUT OF A

PARTY AT STUDIO 54 FOR DOING WHIPPETS IN THE BATHROOM

HE HAS TO BE THE BIGGEST DOUCHE ON EARTH

AND I SAY THAT KNOWING FULL WELL THAT KID ROCK IS OUT THERE

SOMEWHERE FILLING UP A PAIR OF FLAG PANTS WITH CHILI DOG FARTS.

IT'S ESPECIALLY DISHEARTENING TO HEAR THE AUDIENCE LOSING THEIR

MINDS LIKE GALLAGHER JUST WALKED OUT WITH A WATERMELON.

NOW, THE AUDIENCE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE STUDENTS FOR TRUMP, AND

I'M JUST GUESSING, BUT THE WORD "STUDENTS" IN "STUDENTS FOR

TRUMP" PROBABLY HAS A PRETTY LOOSE DEFINITION

THEY'RE PROBABLY STUDENTS THE WAY TRUMP IS, YOU KNOW, MARRIED.

BUT DON'T WORRY.

TRUMP MADE SURE TO FOLLOW UP HIS TRADEMARK RACISM WITH SOME BREATHTAKING STUPIDITY, TOO.

>> COVID, COVID‐19, COVID. I SAY WHAT'S THE 19, COVID‐19,

SOME PEOPLE CAN'T EXPLAIN WHAT THE 19

GIVE ME ‐‐ COVID‐19

I SAID, "THAT'S AN ODD NAME. >> WHAT DO YOU THINK IT MEANS?

"COVID‐19, OF COURSE, IS WHEN A FRESHMAN GOES OFF TO COVID AND

THEY GAIN WEIGHT, SOMETIMES AS MUCH AS 19 POUNDS.

THE COVID‐19, IF YOU WILL. I MEAN, WHY DO YOU THINK THEY

CALL IT THE 2020 ELECTION? DO YOU THINK YOU NEED PERFECT

EYESIGHT TO VOTE OF COURSE, AS ALWAYS WHEN HE

SAYS SOME PEOPLE, HE MEANS HIMSELF.

THAT'S HIS TRADEMARK WAY OF ADMITTING HE DOESN'T KNOW

SOMETHING. AS SOON AS SOMEONE EXPLAINS TO

HIM WHAT THE 19 STANDS FOR, YOU CAN BE SURE HE'LL SAY SOMETHING

LIKE, "PEOPLE DON'T KNOW THIS, BUT THE 19 STANDS FOR THE YEAR

IT WAS DISCOVERED. THAT'S SOMETHING MOST PEOPLE

JUST FOUND OUT VERY RECENTLY AND NOT SOMETHING THEY WERE TOLD

MULTIPLE TIMES, BUT THEY FORGOT BECAUSE THEY DON'T REALLY LISTEN

TO MEETINGS. NOW THAT HE'S OVERSEEN ONE OF

THE MOST CATASTROPHIC PERIODS IN AMERICAN HISTORY, FROM A

PANDEMIC HE IGNORED TO AN ECONOMIC CRASH HE HAS NO

INTEREST IN STOPPING, THIS IS ALL TRUMP HAS LEFT, DOUBLING

DOWN ON EXPLICIT RACISM. HE AND HIS ALLIES ON THE RIGHT

HAVE VERY FEW TRICKS LEFT IN THEIR RE‐ELECTION BAG.

THEY'VE APPARENTLY SETTLED ON A STRATEGY OF RACIST FEAR

MONGERING ABOUT "BLACK LIVES MATTER" PROTESTS, UNDERMINING

THE INTEGRITY OF THE ELECTION ITSELF, AND ASSURING YOU THAT

THE PRESIDENT'S RIGHT ARM IS STRONG ENOUGH TO HOLD A GLASS OF

WATER. NORMALLY, WHEN SOMEONE'S EAGER

TO SHOW YOU THEY CAN HOLD A CUP ON THEIR OWN, THAT CUP HAS A

MINION ON IT AT THIS MOMENT, STATES LIKE

ARIZONA AND TEXAS ARE EXPERIENCING RECORD‐SETTING

COVID SPIKES, AND AMERICANS ARE CAMPING OUT FOR HOURS IN THE

HEAT TO APPLY FOR UNEMPLOYMENT YOU'D THINK VIEWERS TUNING INTO

THE NEWS WOULD WANT TO HEAR SOME WORDS OF ASSURANCE ABOUT THOSE

CRISES FROM THE PRESIDENT, INSTEAD FOX NEWS CHOSE TO RUN

WITH THIS VERY REAL HEADLINE FROM TRUMP'S RALLY IN TULSA.

TRUMP USED TWO HANDS TO DRINK WATER TO AVOID GETTING TIE WET

WOW, YOU GUYS ARE DOING SOME GRADE‐A JOURNALISM OVER THERE.

IT REMINDS ME OF THAT FAMOUS HEADLINE THE DAY AFTER THE

GETTYSBURG ADDRESS, LINCOLN PEED PANTS TO AVOID GOING IN HAT.

THEY ARE REALLY SCRAPING THE BOTTOM OF THE BARREL

IT JUST GOES TO SHOW YOU HOW DESPERATE THEY ARE AND HOW

INTELLECTUALLY BANKRUPT THE CONSERVATIVE MOVEMENT HAS

BECOME THEY CAN'T CELEBRATE ANY POLICY

SUCCESSES BECAUSE THEY DON'T HAVE ANY

AND THEY CAN'T TELL YOU HOW GREAT THINGS ARE BECAUSE THINGS

ARE HORRIBLE THE BEST THEY CAN DO IS BRAG

ABOUT THE FACT THAT THE PRESIDENT'S MOTOR SKILLS ARE

STILL INTACT THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT HIM LIKE

HE JUST EMERGED FROM A DECADE‐LONG COMA

I CAN'T WAIT FOR THEIR PRIMETIME SPECIAL, "TRUMP, HE'S AWARE OF

HIS SURROUNDINGS." THIS IS ALL THEY HAVE LEFT

WHEN THEY'RE NOT ENTHUSIASTICALLY CHEERING THE

PRESIDENT FOR SUCCESSFULLY LIFTING A GLASS TO HIS LIPS THE

WAY YOU'D REWARD A DOG FOR LEARNING HOW TO SHAKE YOUR HAND,

THEY'RE TRYING TO SCARE THE CRAP OUT OF THEIR AUDIENCE WITH

RACIST FEAR‐MONGERING ABOUT THE "BLACK LIVES MATTER" PROTESTS.

HERE, FOR EXAMPLE, IS

RUDY GIULIANI ON FOX, CLAIMING BLACK LIVES MATTER WAS LITERALLY COMING TO TAKE YOUR HOUSE AWAY

COMMUNISTS AND THEIR ALLIES ARE EXECUTING A PLAN THEY WROTE

ABOUT FOUR OR FIVE YEARS AGO JUST GO BACK AND READ WHAT THEY

WROTE IN THE MANIFESTOS THAT THEY WROTE, INCLUDING "BLACK

LIVES MATTER." THEY WANT TO DESTROY OUR

GOVERNMENT THEY WANT TO DO AWAY WITH OUR

SYSTEM OF COURTS AND THEY WANT TO TAKE YOUR

PROPERTY AWAY AND GIVE IT TO OTHER PEOPLE

THIS IS AN ANARCHIST, AN ORGANIZED ANARCHIST SUPPORTED

WITH A LOT OF MONEY, PEOPLE WHO SAY THEY'RE FAVORABLE TO BLACK

LIVES MATTER BLACK LIVES MATTER WANTS TO COME

AND TAKE YOUR HOUSE AWAY FROM YOU.

>> Seth: THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED TO ME

THEY TOOK MY HOUSE AWAY AND I'VE BEEN SLEEPING IN THE REPTILE

WING AT THE NATURAL HISTORY MUSEUM

NO ONE NOTICES ME. BESIDES, WE ALL KNOW THAT IF

ANYONE IS GOING TO TAKE YOUR HOUSE AWAY, IT'S TOM SELLECK

OH, SURE HE SAYS REVERSE MORTGAGES AREN'T

A TRICK TO TAKE AWAY YOUR HOUSE, BUT IF THAT WERE TRUE, WHY WOULD

HE KEEP BRINGING IT UP THAT'S LIKE SAYING, "HAVE SOME

OF THE MILKSHAKE IT'S NOT POISON.

I'VE TOLD YOU THE MILKSHAKE ISN'T POISON, HAVEN'T I?

GOOD NOW, DRINK YOUR MILKSHAKE.

IT'S NOT POISON. I GOT EYES ON YOU, SELLECK

JUST A SIDE NOTE HERE, BUT RUDY, PLEASE STOP SAYING YOU'RE FROM

NEW YORK CITY. IT'S EMBARRASSING TO THE REST OF

US CAN YOU JUST TELL EVERYONE YOU

USED TO BE THE MAYOR OF DEL BOCA VISTA OR SOMETHING?

HELL, JUST MAKE SOMETHING UP TELL PEOPLE YOU'RE FROM A

COUNTRY WHERE PEOPLE ARE JUST NATURALLY BORN WITHOUT NECKS

NO‐NECK‐ISTAN. OOH, I THINK THAT MIGHT CALL FOR

ANOTHER ATTIC HIGH‐FIVE! >> NO!

>> Seth: OKAY, JESUS WHEN DID YOU GET SO PICKY, ATTIC

HIGH‐FIVE? THIS KIND OF RACIST FEAR

MONGERING IS SO ABSURD AND ON THE NOSE, IT'S ALMOST HARD TO

TAKE SERIOUSLY IF IT WASN'T OBVIOUSLY THE FOX

NEWS' STRATEGY FOR TRYING TO GET TRUMP RE‐ELECTED

LAST NIGHT, FOR EXAMPLE, AS STATES LIKE TEXAS, ARIZONA AND

CALIFORNIA SET NEW RECORDS FOR CORONAVIRUS INFECTIONS, AND THE

U.S. HEADED BACK UP THE CURVE TOWARD OUR PEAK FROM A FEW

MONTHS AGO, PROMPTING THE EUROPEAN UNION TO CONSIDER A BAN

ON TRAVELERS FROM THE

UNITED STATES, HERE'S WHAT THE PRESIDENT'S FAVORITE PROPAGANDA CHANNEL WAS TALKING ABOUT.

>> DEMOCRATIC POLITICIANS DON'T FEAR THE MOB

NOTICE THAT? WHY?

BECAUSE THEY DON'T NEED TO THEY CONTROL THE MOB

THE MOB OPERATES WITH THEIR PERMISSION

THESE ARE THEIR FOOT SOLDIERS. THIS IS THEIR MILITIA.

>> BREAKING TONIGHT, MASSIVE CHAOS IN AMERICA'S CITIES.

IT'S ONGOING >> THE MAIN POINT THAT EVERYONE

WATCHING THIS TONIGHT NEEDS TO UNDERSTAND REALLY CLEARLY, BIDEN

EQUALS CHAOS >> Seth: BIDEN EQUALS CHAOS?

I HATE TO TELL YOU THIS, BUT EVEN YOUR GUY CALLS HIM SLEEPY

JOE. YOU CAN'T HAVE IT BOTH WAYS.

I MEAN, RIGHT NOW, HE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BE RUNNING FOR LUNESTA

SPOKESMAN. LOOK, I KNOW HE'S BEEN DOING

CAMPAIGN EVENTS, BUT I NEVER EVEN KNOW ABOUT THEM

AND HONESTLY I PREFER THAT I LOVE THIS STRATEGY

IF I HAD MY WAY, BIDEN'S CAMPAIGN SLOGAN WOULD BE "ELECT

ME PRESIDENT, AND YOU'LL NEVER HEAR FROM ME AGAIN."

AND IF YOU GUYS ARE SO ANTI‐CHAOS, MAYBE YOU HAVEN'T

NOTICED THE CURRENT PRESIDENT IS DONALD TRUMP

AND I KNOW YOU GUYS DESPERATELY WISH THAT WASN'T TRUE BECAUSE

YOU MUCH PREFER TO SPEND YOUR TIME ATTACKING DEMOCRATS THAN

HAVING TO DO P. R. FOR THE SQUINTY EYE OF SAURON OVER HERE,

BUT THAT'S THE REALITY THIS IS A SOCIOPATHIC POLITICAL

MOVEMENT CONCERNED ONLY WITH AMASSING AND MAINTAINING POWER

AND THEY'VE DECIDED AMID TRUMP'S MANY FAILURES TO DOUBLE DOWN ON

CRUDE, BALD‐FACED RACISM AS THEIR ONLY HOPE OF WINNING

THEY DON'T ACTUALLY WANT TO GOVERN IN FACT ‐‐

>> THEY WANT TO DESTROY OUR GOVERNMENT

>> Seth: THIS HAS BEEN "A CLOSER LOOK."

♪ AS NEW YORK WORKS HARD TO REOPEN

UNDER PHASE TWO, REMEMBER THAT WE'RE STILL A CITY IN CRISIS AND

CITY HARVEST HAS BEEN STEPPING UP TO MEET THE INCREASED NEED.

THERE'S A WEBSITE BELOW TO DONATE

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MIKE BIRBIGLIA

♪

♪

>> Seth: OUR FIRST GUEST TONIGHT IS A VERY FUNNY COMEDIAN AND

DIRECTOR YOU KNOW FROM SUCH FILMS AS "SLEEPWALK WITH ME,"

"DON'T THINK TWICE," AND "TRAINWRECK.

HIS NEW BOOK, "THE NEW ONE: PAINFULLY TRUE STORIES FROM A

RELUCTANT DAD," IS AVAILABLE

NOW. HERE'S MY CONVERSATION WITH OUR FRIEND, MIKE BIRBIGLIA

>> Seth: HI, MIKE. HOW ARE YOU, BUDDY

>> I'M GOOD. I'M GOOD

HOW ARE YOU DOING? GOOD TO SEE YOU.

>> Seth: GOOD. I MEAN ‐‐ HOW ‐‐ I KNOW IT WAS A

VERY BIG WEEK IN THE BIRBIGLIA‐STEIN HOUSEHOLD.

HOW DID IT GO? >> SO MUCH PARTYING, SETH.

>> Seth: YEAH. >> WE HAD MY BIRTHDAY.

WE HAD FATHER'S DAY. WE HAD MY WIFE'S BIRTHDAY.

IT WAS A PARTY BACK TO BACK TO BACK

THE INVITE LIST WAS ‐‐ WELL ‐‐ [ LAUGHTER ]

IT WAS ‐‐ IT WAS JUST MYSELF AND JEN AND UNA.

>> Seth: YES, YOUR CHILD YOUR FIVE‐YEAR‐OLD UNA

NOW BE HONEST, SO HOW ‐‐ HOW BIG A BIRTHDAY PARTY WOULD YOU HAVE

HAD IN A NORMAL TIME >> OKAY.

LAST YEAR WHEN SHE WAS FOUR, WE HAD A PARTY, WE HAD ONE OF THOSE

"WE'RE NEVER DOING THIS AGAIN" PARTIES.

>> Seth: I GOTCHA. >> HAVE YOU HAD ONE OF THOSE

>> Seth: WE HAVE HAD ONE OF THOSE, YEAH.

[ LAUGHTER ] >> WE ‐‐ I FEEL LIKE WE HAD THAT

EVERY YEAR AND THEN THIS YEAR THE PROPHECY

CAME TRUE. >> Seth: OH, THAT'S TRUE

SO YOU WENT ‐‐ YOU MONKEY‐PAWED WISHED FOR NEVER HAVING THAT

BIRTHDAY AGAIN [ LAUGHTER ]

>> WE HAD A LOT OF PEOPLE. AND THEN I TALK ABOUT IT IN THE

BOOK, BUT WHEN JEN WAS PREGNANT, WE WENT TO THE MUSEUM OF NATURAL

HISTORY AT ONE POINT BECAUSE JEN SAID SHE FELT TERRIBLE, SHE WAS,

LIKE, I CAN'T BREATHE OR SPEAK OR MOVE.

AND ‐‐ AND SHE SAID I FEEL LIKE A MAMMAL

AND I SAID, WELL, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO

SHE SAID I WANT TO GO TO THE MUSEUM OF NATURAL HISTORY TO BE

WITH THE OTHER MAMMALS [ LAUGHTER ]

AND SO WE DID THAT THE DAY BEFORE UNA WAS BORN, WE

WENT TO THE MUSEUM OF NATURAL HISTORY.

AND SO EVER SINCE THEN, WE GO FOR UNA'S BIRTHDAY TO THE MUSEUM

OF NATURAL HISTORY EVERY YEAR. OBVIOUSLY, WE CAN'T NOW.

AND SO IN OUR SPACE HERE, WE CREATED, LIKE, WITH DINOSAURS

AND SEA CREATURE TOYS AND THINGS LIKE THAT A MUSEUM OF NATURAL

HISTORY. AND TO THE EXTENT WHERE JEN

KNITTED ‐‐ JEN DOESN'T KNIT. >> Seth: OKAY.

>> SHE KNITTED A BIG MAMMAL ‐‐ >> Seth: WHOA!

>> LIKE, AT THE MUSEUM OF NATURAL HISTORY.

>> Seth: I MEAN, THAT'S WILDLY IMPRESSIVE FOR HER FIRST

KNITTING ENDEAVOR. >> I'D SAY SO.

AND, YEAH, SO WE HAD THIS HANGING FROM THE CEILING

AND I THINK WE'RE DOING WHAT WE CAN, SETH.

>> Seth: YOU KNOW WHAT, I WILL TELL YOU THAT AS MUCH AS I LOVE

THAT BIG OLD WHALE AT THE HISTORY MUSEUM, I'M ALWAYS A

LITTLE WORRIED IT'S GOING TO FALL DOWN AND KILL ME.

AND I DID NOT FEEL THAT WAY ABOUT JEN'S.

I KNOW THAT YOU'RE WORKING, WHICH IS VERY EXCITING

YOU'RE WORKING ON A NEW SHOW, WHICH, HISTORICALLY, YOU HAVE

ALWAYS FINISHED A SHOW, YOU HAVE FILMED IT, IT HAS BEEN AVAILABLE

TO WATCH AND BY THE TIME I TELL YOU IT'S

GOOD, I KNOW THAT YOU'RE ALREADY WORKING ON YOUR NEXT THING

AND YOU ARE WORKING ON A SHOW ABOUT GETTING OLDER.

DO YOUR FANS CORRECTLY GUESS YOUR AGE

>> NEVER >> Seth: YEAH.

WHERE DO THEY ERR ON WHAT SIDE DO THEY ERR ON

[ LAUGHTER ] >> WHAT THEY DO WITH ME, I

TURNED 42 THIS WEEKEND AND, YEAH.

BUT I'M A HARD 42. I'M A 42 WHERE PEOPLE SAY, "I

THOUGHT YOU WERE 52. AND I'M, LIKE, OH, THANKS FOR

ADDING A DECADE OF DECAY AND NO WISDOM TO MY LIFE.

BUT, YEAH. DON'T ‐‐ DON'T GUESS PEOPLE'S

AGES >> Seth: YEAH.

>> JUST DON'T DO IT. >> Seth: NO.

I THINK IT'S SORT OF ENGRAINED IN US NOT TO GUESS A WOMAN'S

AGE. BUT THE REST OF US HAVE FEELINGS

TOO. AND IN GENERAL IT SHOULD NOT

BE ‐‐ YOUR WHIMSICAL GUESS IS NOT GOING TO DO ANYONE ANY

FAVORS >> YEAH.

AND MY PROBLEM IS, IS THAT THE CELEBRITY COMPARISON PEOPLE DO

OF ME IS PAUL RUDD AND THAT DUDE KEEPS GETTING

YOUNGER SOMEHOW. >> Seth: YEAH.

IT'S VERY UNFAIR >> AND I USED TO WANT TO PLAY

HIS BROTHER. NOW I'M GOING TO END UP PLAYING

HIS FATHER [ LAUGHTER ]

>> Seth: TAKE OVER FOR MICHAEL DOUGLAS.

HEY, SO THE BOOK IS ‐‐ THE BOOK'S FANTASTIC

SO THIS WAS ALSO THE NAME OF YOUR SHOW THAT YOU DID ON

BROADWAY THAT IS AVAILABLE TO SEE ON NETFLIX, WHICH IS

FANTASTIC. AND YOU'VE WRITTEN THIS BOOK

WITH YOUR WIFE, JEN. AND YOU TALK ABOUT IN THE BOOK,

WHICH I PERSONALLY REMEMBER AS WELL, AND NOW I THINK WE'RE BOTH

IN THE POSITION OF GIVING IT IF PEOPLE WERE TO ASK

BUT WHEN YOU'RE ABOUT TO BECOME A PARENT, YOU GET A LOT OF

ADVICE FROM OTHER PARENTS. >> YES

>> Seth: AND IT IS NOT PARTICULARLY EASY ADVICE TO SIFT

THROUGH. >> IT IS ‐‐ I DEDICATED A

CHAPTER TO IT. IT'S CALLED "FRIENDLY ADVICE

FROM OTHER PARENTS." AND I'LL JUST GIVE YOU A SNIPPET

OF IT. AND IT'S A LITANY OF THINGS

PEOPLE SAID TO ME, OR I IMAGINED IT, BASICALLY.

>> Seth: YES SO THIS IS ‐‐ IF YOU'RE ABOUT TO

BECOME A PARENT, I THINK THIS IS A GOOD THING TO RECORD THIS ON

YOUR DVR BECAUSE MIKE'S ABOUT TO GIVE YOU INCREDIBLY HELPFUL

ADVICE >> FRIENDLY ADVICE

FRIENDLY ADVICE. "YOUR DAUGHTER'S GETTING A

SUNBURN. YOU'RE GETTING A SUNBURN

WE'RE ALL GETTING A SUNBURN. LET THEM CRY

DON'T LET THEM CRY I'M GREAT WITH KIDS.

IT SEEMS LIKE YOU'RE NOT GREAT WITH KIDS.

KIDS WILL MURDER EACH OTHER IF YOU LET THEM

YOU HAVE TO LET KIDS MURDER EACH OTHER.

MURDER IS WRONG. MURDER ISN'T ALWAYS WRONG.

MEAT IS MURDER THE MURDER BURGER AT THIS

RESTAURANT IS PHENOMENAL GET YOUR KIDS SIGNED UP FOR

CAMP THERE WAS A MURDER AT THAT CAMP.

[ LAUGHTER ] OUR CHILDREN SHOULD BE FRIENDS

I HAVE NO FRIENDS. I NEED YOU TO BE MY FRIEND

SHE SHOULDN'T BE OUTSIDE IN THIS WEATHER.

SHE SHOULDN'T BE INSIDE IN THIS WEATHER.

THE GOVERNMENT CONTROLS THE WEATHER.

MY CHILDREN WON'T LET ME NEAR THEIR CHILDREN, SO IT'S NICE

TALKING TO YOU WHAT'S HER NAME?

THAT'S NOT A NAME. GIVE HER A DIFFERENT NAME.

CUT HER HAIR DON'T YOU DARE CUT THAT HAIR

SELL HER HAIR. DONATE HER HAIR.

OUR SON HITS THEY ALL HIT

I KNOW OUR SON IS HITTING YOUR DAUGHTER, BUT IT'S FINE.

YOU NEED TO HAVE A THICKER SKIN. WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

THAT'S ‐ >> Seth: I THINK THAT'S A LOT TO

PROCESS. SO WE'LL LET EVERYBODY WORK

THROUGH THAT, AND WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE MIKE BIRBIGLIA

RIGHT AFTER THIS ♪

♪

>> Seth: MIKE, YOU'VE BEEN DOING

SOMETHING REALLY COOL CALLED "WORKING IT OUT.

AND THIS IS YOU AND A FELLOW COMEDIAN, MORE OFTEN THAN NOT,

SOMEONE YOU KNOW FAIRLY WELL BASICALLY DOING WHAT YOU WOULD

BE DOING IN CLUBS WITH EACH OTHER ON SOCIAL MEDIA.

>> YEAH. SO IT'S, LIKE, I'VE BEEN DOING

IT AS A PODCAST CALLED "WORKING IT OUT."

AND I WANT TO PRESSURE YOU TO COME ON.

>> Seth: I DO WANT TO DO IT. I REALLY WANT TO DO IT

>> AND SO I WORK ON NEW MATERIAL

AND IT'S IMPORTANT FOR ME TO CONVINCE PEOPLE LIKE YOU TO COME

ON BECAUSE IT ACTUALLY IS COLLABORATIVE.

LIKE, I HAVE HAD PEOPLE LIKE JOHN MULANEY AND HANNAH GADSBY

AND THEY GIVE DIFFERENT TYPES OF FEEDBACK

BECAUSE I WANT FEEDBACK. I HAVE NO AUDIENCE RIGHT NOW

>> Seth: RIGHT >> AND SO, LIKE, HERE'S A BIT

THAT I'VE BEEN WORKING ON, WHICH IS SORT OF MY MOST EXISTENTIAL

PANDEMIC‐ISH THEMED BIT, WHICH IS THAT I'VE NEVER BEEN A

RELIGIOUS PERSON, BUT I'M STARTING TO THINK I SHOULD START

MY OWN RELIGION. AND IT'S CALLED "NOBODY KNOWS.

AND IF YOU VENMO ME $5, YOU'RE A MEMBER OF NOBODY KNOWS

>> Seth: GOTCHA. >> AND IF YOU VENMO ME $500,

I'LL TELL YOU THE SECRET BUT, ACTUALLY, I COULD TELL YOU

THE SECRET IT'S NOBODY KNOWS.

>> Seth: IT'S NOBODY KNOWS >> AND IF YOU VENMO ME

$5 MILLION ‐ >> Seth: OKAY.

>> YOU WILL BE FLOWN IN A PRIVATE JET TO A SECRET ISLAND,

AND YOU WILL BE BLINDFOLDED AND WALKED TO THE EDGE OF A VOLCANO,

AND I WILL WHISPER INTO YOUR EAR "NOBODY KNOWS.

AND ‐‐ BUT YOU MUST NEVER SPEAK OF IT.

>> Seth: SURE. >> BUT ONE DAY, YOU CAN TAKE

SOMEONE ELSE ON THAT JET TO THAT SAME ISLAND AND CHARGE THEM

$5 MILLION AND, SETH, WHAT YOU'RE PROBABLY

THINKING RIGHT NOW IS, "MIKE, WHAT YOU'RE DESCRIBING IS A

PYRAMID SCHEME," AND I'D SAY, "SURE, SETH, BUT IT'S ALSO A

METAPHOR." >> Seth: THAT'S WONDERFUL.

[ LAUGHTER ] >> DO YOU HAVE ANY TIPS?

>> Seth: IT'S GOOD MAYBE I FEEL LIKE YOU COULD

INSTEAD OF A VOLCANO, YOU COULD BRING THEM TO THE EDGE OF A

PYRAMID EARLIER ON >> OH, THAT'S NICE

>> Seth: RIGHT, LIKE TIP THAT THIS IS A PYRAMID SCHEME

LIKE, I WASN'T HIDING IT, I PROMISE.

I BROUGHT YOU TO A PHYSICAL PYRAMID.

>> THAT'S RIGHT. I MEAN, THAT'S THE KIND OF STUFF

I'VE BEEN WRITING LATELY LIKE IT'S SO ‐‐ I MEAN,

OBVIOUSLY, WE'RE LIVING IN, LIKE, UPSIDE DOWN UNIVERSE

IT'S ‐‐ YOU KNOW, EVERY ‐‐ YOU LITERALLY CAN'T KEEP TRACK OF

WHAT HAPPENS IN A DAY NEWSWISE >> Seth: YEAH.

>> AND SO I END UP WRITING THESE SORT OF LIKE, ‐‐ I DON'T KNOW,

THESE SORT OF EXISTENTIAL BITS >> Seth: WELL, IT WAS

INTERESTING BECAUSE YOU REACHED OUT TO ME IN DOING IT RIGHT WHEN

THIS STARTED >> YEP

>> Seth: LIKE, ONE OR TWO. AND I THOUGHT, "OH, YEAH,

GREAT. I STARTED TAKING NOTES

THEN WHEN WE STARTED I DIDN'T REALIZE HOW LONG THIS WOULD TAKE

OR WHETHER WE'D DO THE SHOW. SO WE STARTED DOING THE SHOW

BUT BECAUSE YOU WERE COMING ON, I WENT BACK AND LOOKED AT MY

NOTES. AND IT IS WEIRD HOW WHAT WAS

FUNNY, WHAT I WAS THINKING ABOUT COMEDICALLY SEEMS VERY SMALL AND

VERY ‐‐ LIKE, THIS AND THAT AND, OH, NOW WOULD NOT BE A GOOD TIME

TO WORK OUT THESE BITS DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

>> WELL, I MEAN, THAT'S THE THING ABOUT COMEDY IS IT'S

ALWAYS ABOUT FINDING THE LINE. AND YOU WANT TO GET CLOSE TO THE

LINE, YOU DON'T WANT TO CROSS THE LINE

BUT THE LINE CHANGES ALL THE TIME

AND WHEN YOU'RE IN A GLOBAL PANDEMIC, LIKE EVEN WHAT THE

SHOW IS ABOUT, WHICH IS LIKE APPROACHING MIDDLE AGE AND

THINKING ABOUT DEATH BECOMES ENTIRELY SUBJECTIVE.

AND IT MEANS SOMETHING DIFFERENT THAN IT DID BEFORE THE PANDEMIC.

>> Seth: YEAH. I ALSO THINK THERE IS A LOT OF

COMEDIANS WILL APPROACH A TOPIC FROM THE PERSPECTIVE OF HERE'S

MY COMPLAINT ABOUT, RIGHT? >> YES

>> Seth: AND RIGHT NOW I FEEL LIKE ANY TIME YOU COMPLAIN ABOUT

ANYTHING, YOU HAVE TO PREFACE IT WITH, NOW, OBVIOUSLY, THERE ARE

BIGGER THINGS GOING ON >> OF COURSE

>> Seth: LOOK. I'M SURE YOU'RE GOING TO FIGURE

OUT HOW TO DO IT WE'RE ALL GOING TO FIGURE OUT

HOW TO DO IT BUT WHEN YOU SIT DOWN AND YOU'RE

LIKE, "WHAT DO I WANT TO DO STAND‐UP ABOUT NOW?"

IT'S LIKE OH, BOY. >> NO.

I THINK ABOUT THAT ALL TIME. LIKE, THERE'S SOMETHING LIKE AS

TRIVIAL THAT I WAS WORKING OUT ON THE SHOW ABOUT, LIKE, I

TRAVEL FOR MY JOB AND I STAY IN HOTELS, AND I'VE NEVER DRANK THE

MINI LIQUOR BOTTLES FROM THE MINI BAR

BUT I'M TRIPLE DIGITS ON GLASS JARS OF PEANUT M&Ms, WHICH I

BELIEVE IS THE MOST SEXIEST, MOST ARTISANAL PACKAGING FOR THE

LEAST ARTISANAL SNACK FOOD ITEM. >> Seth: YES

>> AND MY OBSERVATION ABOUT THE PEANUT M&M IS THAT IF YOU SUCK

ON IT LONG ENOUGH, IT'S JUST A PEANUT

AND IF YOU SUCK ON THAT LONG ENOUGH, YOU CAN TASTE PURE

SHAME. AND AT A CERTAIN POINT, THE

SHAME STARTS TO MORPH INTO PRIDE.

AND YOU'RE THINKING, I SHOULD ‐‐ I SHOULD EAT A COUPLE HUNDRED

MORE OF THESE. AND THEN YOU'RE, LIKE, I SHOULD

RUN A MARATHON THEN YOU DON'T

AND THEN YOU END UP WITH TYPE II DIABETES

[ LAUGHTER ] >> Seth: SEE, YOU'RE FINDING A

WAY INTO ALL THIS STUFF. >> THAT'S A TRIVIAL ‐‐ THAT'S ON

THE MORE TRIVIAL END OF THE JOKE SPECTRUM

>> Seth: YES BUT THERE IS STILL A PLACE FOR

THAT AS WELL HEY, MIKE, I WILL DO THAT

PODCAST. I LOOK FORWARD TO IT

>> YES >> Seth: IT'S ALWAYS GREAT

SEEING YOU THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR MAKING

TIME FOR US. AND CONGRATS AGAIN ON THE BOOK,

"THE NEW ONE," EVERYBODY WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE

"LATE NIGHT. ♪

♪ >> Seth: AMERICA IS THREE MONTHS

INTO THE CORONAVIRUS PANDEMIC. AND AT THIS POINT, WE'VE ALL

BEEN TOLD TO WASH OUR HANDS ABOUT TWO MILLION TIMES.

BUT WHAT'S THE RIGHT WAY TO DO

IT HERE TO TELL US, IS ONE OF OUR WRITERS, JENNY HAGEL

>> HEY, SETH >> Seth: HEY, JENNY.

SO WHAT IS THE RIGHT WAY TO WASH YOUR HANDS

>> GREAT QUESTION. TO MAKE SURE YOUR HANDS ARE GERM

FREE, WASH THEM FOR 20 SECONDS MAKE SURE YOU WASH THE TOPS OF

YOUR HANDS, TO YOUR PALMS, YOUR THUMBS, AND THE TIPS OF YOUR

FINGERS. IF YOU DO THAT 12 TO 24 TIMES A

DAY, YOUR HANDS WILL BE IN GREAT SHAPE.

>> Seth: OH MY GOD JENNY.

>> WHAT? IS SOMETHING WRONG

>> Seth: JENNY, YOUR HANDS THEY DON'T LOOK SO GOOD.

>> OH. DO THEY LOOK A LITTLE DRY?

>> Seth: YES >> THAT'S FROM ALL THE HAND

WASHING. BUT, THERE'S AN EASY WAY TO

SOLVE THAT EVERY TIME YOU WASH YOUR HANDS,

BE SURE TO MOISTURIZE WITH LOTION

APPLY A GENEROUS AMOUNT, AND THEN JUST RUB IT IN THOROUGHLY

AND IF YOU DO THAT, YOUR HANDS WILL BE SILKY SMOOTH

>> Seth: JENNY, ARE YOUR HANDS OKAY

>> THEY SURE ARE BY WASHING MY HANDS REGULARLY, I

CAN BE SURE OF THREE THINGS. ONE, I'M KEEPING MYSELF SAFE

TWO, I'M KEEPING OTHERS SAFE AND THREE, I'M GETTING IN A

HABIT OF GOOD HYGIENE. IT'S LIKE THE CDC SAYS, OH, I

NEED MY READING GLASSES. EXCUSE ME.

THERE WE GO. "WHEN YOU WASH YOUR HANDS, YOU

PROTECT YOUR COMMUNITY." WELL, SETH, YOU KNOW WHO HAS TWO

THUMBS AND LOVES HER COMMUNITY THIS GAL

>> Seth: JENNY, I'M LOOKING CLOSER AT YOUR HANDS AND I CAN'T

HELP BUT NOTICE ‐‐ >> I KNOW.

IT'S HARD NOT TO NOTICE. >> Seth: I MEAN, I DON'T WANT TO

BE FORWARD, BUT ‐‐ >> YOU CAN SAY IT.

>> Seth: CAN I SAY IT? >> I'LL SAY IT

I GOT ENGAGED! LOOK AT MY RING!

>> Seth: I MEAN, CONGRATULATIONS, BUT THAT'S NOT

WHAT I WAS GONNA SAY >> MY FIANCE AND I ARE SO HAPPY.

>> Seth: OH, SHE WASHES HER HANDS TOO.

>> SETH, EVEN IN THESE DARK TIMES, THERE CAN STILL BE A

LITTLE JOY IF WE JUST THINK TO OURSELVES,

"WHAT'S SOMETHING I CAN DO TO HELP THE WORLD?"

IF THERE'S SOME SMALL THING THAT I CAN DO, ME, TO HELP EVERYONE

AND THE ANSWER IS, WASH YOUR HANDS.

IF YOU'RE DOING THAT, LET ME TELL YOU, YOU DESERVE A HIGH

FIVE OH NO, MY RING

>> Seth: JENNY HAGEL, EVERYBODY. >> BYE

♪ >> Seth: OUR NEXT GUEST IS A

VERY TALENTED ACTRESS YOU KNOW FROM FILMS LIKE "GIRLS TRIP,"

"SUPPORT THE GIRLS," AND "THE HATE U GIVE.

SHE STARS IN "BLACK MONDAY," WHICH RETURNS JUNE 28th ON

SHOWTIME

PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO THE SHOW THE ALWAYS DELIGHTFUL REGINA HALL.

>> Seth: HI, REGINA. HOW ARE YOU?

>> I'M GOOD. I WAS GOING TO SAY GREAT, BUT I

WAS, LIKE, THAT DIDN'T FEEL 100% TRUE

BUT I'M GOOD HOW ARE YOU?

>> Seth: I SHOULD SAY I'M AS GREAT AS I CAN BE TO BE TALKING

TO YOU LET'S PUT IT LIKE THAT

>> THANKS. THAT'S NICE.

>> Seth: SO, THIS IS ‐‐ YOU ARE AT THIS MOMENT SORT OF A

HISTORICAL FOOTNOTE ON THE SHOW. YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE ON THE

NIGHT THAT IT WAS A THURSDAY IN MARCH WE DECIDED AT AROUND 2:00

IN THE AFTERNOON TO CALL THINGS ‐‐ THE WHOLE THING OFF.

BUT YOU WERE COMING INTO THE STUDIO

>> I WAS DRESSED I HAD PICKED OUT THE MOST

BEAUTIFUL DRESS FOR YOU. VERY EXCITED TO WEAR IT.

BUT, YES, YEAH, IT DID, IT SHUT DOWN

IT WAS ‐‐ I CAME HOME. I WAS IN NEW YORK WORKING, AND I

CAME HOME RIGHT BEFORE I THINK YOU GUYS SHUT DOWN RIGHT

BEFORE IT GOT CRAZY. YES.

>> Seth: THE CRAZY THING AS WELL IS THAT YOU WERE COMING ON TO

PROMOTE "BLACK MONDAY," WHICH IS ABOUT THE STOCK MARKET CRASH

AND THEN THAT DAY WAS THE BIGGEST STOCK MARKET DROP SINCE

BLACK MONDAY, WHICH WAS, I MEAN, VERY UNFORTUNATE, BUT ALSO

ACCURATE TIE INTO YOUR SHOW. >> YEAH.

WE WERE, YOU KNOW, KIND OF EXCITED, YOU KNOW, IN A TWISTED

WAY. WE WERE, LIKE, "OH, LOOK, THIS

COULD BE ‐‐ THIS IS SO SAD BUT THIS COULD BE GREAT.

BECAUSE IT WAS REALLY ODD TO HAVE HISTORY REPEATING ITSELF IN

THAT WAY >> Seth: AND ALSO TO CREDIT THE

SHOW, IT'S NOT JUST ABOUT THE STOCK MARKET

IT IS A VERY DARK COMEDY THAT TALKS ABOUT THINGS LIKE RACE AS

WELL SO EVEN THOUGH IT TAKES PLACE IN

1987, YOU HAVE MADE A VERY TIMELY SHOW.

>> I KNOW. IT'S SCARY BECAUSE YOU ASK

YOURSELF, WOW, YOU SEE A LOT OF AREAS WHERE THINGS REALLY STILL

NEED TO PROGRESS, WHERE THERE IS LIKE PROGRESSION OPPORTUNITY

AND, YOU KNOW, IT'S FUN FOR US BECAUSE WE ARE POKING FUN AT A

LOT OF THINGS HISTORICALLY BUT ALSO THE FACT THAT IT'S

TIMELY ALSO ADDS TO IT SO, YEAH, IT'S BEEN ‐‐ IT'S A

FUN SHOW TO SHOOT. I DO HAVE TO SAY THAT.

>> Seth: I MEAN, TALKING ABOUT WORK FEELS VERY CURRENT AND OF

THE MOMENT YOU ALSO DID A FILM A COUPLE

YEARS AGO CALLED "THE HATE U GIVE."

THIS IS A MOVIE THAT IS INCREDIBLY WELL REVIEWED

AND BECAUSE IT IS ABOUT A POLICE OFFICER SHOOTING, IT DOES SEEM

LIKE A MOVIE THAT A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE DISCOVERING NOW

HAVE YOU FOUND THAT TO BE THE CASE AS WELL

>> I DO. I MEAN, I THINK EVERYTHING

THAT'S GOING ON IN THE WORLD, YOU KNOW, AND NOT JUST IN THE

UNITED STATES, BUT IN THE WORLD GLOBALLY, I THINK THE FACT THAT

PEOPLE HAVE HAD TO PUT THEIR NORMAL ACTIVITIES ON PAUSE HAS

REALLY GIVEN THEM THE ROOM TO TAKE NOTICE OF THINGS THAT HAD

BEEN GOING ON. AND SO I THINK WHEN WE CAME OUT,

YOU KNOW, THERE WERE A LOT OF MOVIES AND A LOT OF THINGS AND

PEOPLE WERE BUSY AND GOING TO WORK AND MAYBE, LIKE, "I WANT TO

WATCH SOMETHING HAPPY. YOU KNOW, AND I THINK NOW PEOPLE

ARE REALLY IN THE PROCESS OF WANTING CHANGE AND EVOLUTION

AND SO NOW THEY'RE DISCOVERING IT, AND IT'S RESONATING WITH

THEM IN A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT WAY THAN I THINK IT DID TWO

YEARS AGO WHEN THEY JUST DIDN'T SEE IT

>> Seth: IT'S REALLY SPECIAL TO MAKE A WORK WITH INTEGRITY

BECAUSE THAT, OF COURSE, AGES WELL

AND THEN WHEN PEOPLE NEED SOMETHING TO GO TO, TO HELP THEM

WORK THROUGH THESE MOMENTS, IT'S NICE THAT IT'S THERE FOR THEM.

>> YEAH. AND I THINK A LOT OF PEOPLE

THOUGHT THE FILM WAS GOING TO BE HOPELESS

BUT IT'S ACTUALLY ‐‐ IT'S ALSO A VERY ‐‐ IN IT'S OWN WEIRD WAY,

IT'S A COMING‐OF‐AGE STORY AND SO I THINK OUR YOUTH, WHICH,

YOU KNOW, AND THEY'RE DOING SO MUCH IN THE WORLD RIGHT NOW.

I MEAN, YOU'RE WATCHING THEM KIND OF GALVANIZE, AND I THINK

FOR THEM TO SEE THE MOVIE, IT'S A VERY EMPOWERING MOVIE.

IT'S WHAT WE ALL CAN DO, BUT IT'S WHAT THIS GIRL AND HER

GROUP OF FRIENDS, HOW THEY BAND TOGETHER AND WHAT THEY DO, ALONG

WITH EVERYONE ELSE SO I THINK IT TOUCHES A LOT OF

THINGS THAT ARE GOING ON TODAY >> Seth: I KNOW YOU'RE VERY

CLOSE WITH HER MOTHER. ARE YOU KEEPING IN GOOD TOUCH

WITH HER, EVEN THOUGH YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY DISTANCED?

>> I SEE MY MOTHER'S CHIN AND CEILING REGULARLY.

>> Seth: THAT'S SO NICE. >> I GOT HER AN iPHONE SO WE CAN

FACETIME >> Seth: OH, SO SHE'S LEARNING

THE FACETIME TECH DURING THE PANDEMIC

>> WELL, WHEN I FIRST SENT IT TO HER ‐‐ IT'S BEEN TOUGH

I FIRST SENT IT TO HER, AND I GUESS SHE HAD KEPT HITTING THE

WRONG CODE AND SHE DISABLED THE PHONE, WHICH I DIDN'T KNOW YOU

COULD EVEN DO. >> Seth: RIGHT

>> LET ALONE TIME NUMBER SEVEN SO SHE DISABLED THE PHONE AND

WAS NO LONGER ABLE TO USE IT SO WE HAD ‐‐ MY BROTHER WAS,

LIKE, WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO I WAS, LIKE, PUT YOUR MASK ON

AND TAKE IT TO A STORE [ LAUGHTER ]

THAT DAY WE REMOVED SOME OF THE, YOU KNOW, THINGS TO MAKE IT

SIMPLER. WE SIMPLIFIED IT

AND SHE DOES FACETIME. SHE HADN'T QUITE GRASPED, LIKE,

THE ‐‐ >> Seth: FRAMING

>> YEAH. THERE IT IS!

THERE IT IS. >> Seth: YEAH.

>> YEAH. >> Seth: MY MOTHER CANNOT HOLD

IT ‐‐ SHE FRAMES VERY WELL SHE COVERS THE MICROPHONE.

SO ‐ >> OH, YES

THE BACK OF MY MOTHER'S THUMB AND NAIL QUITE A BIT

>> Seth: YEAH. AND WHEN YOU TELL HER YOU CAN'T

HEAR HER, SHE'S IMMEDIATELY FRUSTRATED AND TAKES IT LIKE THE

ERROR IS EITHER THE PHONE OR YOURS BUT IT'S DEFINITELY NOT

HERS SPEAKING OF FAMILIES, YOU

ACTUALLY ‐‐ YOU MET MY BROTHER YOU WORKED WITH MY BROTHER WHEN

YOU DID A SERIES WITH OLD NAVY ONCE

>> HE IS THE BEST. I HAVE TO TELL YOU, LIKE ‐

AND YOU ALL LOOK ALIKE SO HE'S REALLY ‐‐ HE'S SO GREAT.

I HAD SO MUCH FUN SHOOTING WITH HIM.

AND HE'S GOT A LOT OF LIGHT. >> Seth: YES, HE DOES.

>> HAS A LOT OF LIGHT. >> Seth: HE'S GOT A LOT OF

LIGHT. >> AND THEN I SAW HIM AGAIN AT A

CHARITY EVENT AND HE CAME TO MY ‐‐ THE BOOTH WHERE I WAS,

LIKE, WORKING AT HE'S GREAT

HE'S REALLY GREAT. >> Seth: I ACTUALLY ‐‐ THIS

PANDEMIC IS LETTING MY HAIR SORT OF GROW INTO HIS HAIR.

>> I LIKE IT YES!

>> Seth: WE'RE GETTING A LOT CLOSER

>> YOU LOOK MORE ALIKE >> Seth: YES

THAT'S ONE OF THE NICE THINGS ABOUT THIS

>> I HOPE HE'S NOT LIKE A SINGLE WHITE BROTHER AND KIDNAP YOU

BECAUSE HE COULD TAKE OVER, AND THEN WE WOULDN'T KNOW.

>> Seth: SINGLE WHITE BROTHER. I THINK NOW IS THE TIME FOR A

SHOW CALLED "SINGLE WHITE BROTHER.

[ LAUGHTER ] I'M GOING TO JUST CALL AROUND

AND SAY LIKE, "DOES ANYBODY WANT TO HEAR A PITCH FOR A SHOW

CALLED 'SINGLE WHITE BROTHER'? NOT RIGHT NOW?

OKAY NOT RIGHT NOW.

[ LAUGHTER ] YOU HAVE ‐‐ AND I AM VERY

IMPRESSED, BECAUSE AND MAYBE YOU CAN SELL THIS, THERE IS A WAY TO

STILL SOCIALLY DISTANCE AND BE SOCIAL AND SEE YOUR FRIENDS.

YOU'RE TAKING IT VERY SERIOUSLY. BUT HOW ARE YOU ‐‐ HOW ARE YOU

GOING ABOUT IT >> WELL ‐‐

[ PHONE RINGING THIS IS MY MOTHER.

SO SORRY [ LAUGHTER ]

MOMMY, REMEMBER I TOLD YOU I HAVE AN INTERVIEW?

I'M RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF IT. LOVE YOU

THAT'S ANOTHER THING SHE ‐‐ I CAN TELL HER, MOMMY, MY

SCHEDULE, AND THEN SHE JUST ‐‐ IT DOESN'T MATTER.

SHE DOESN'T KNOW ‐ >> Seth: NOW I DO WANT TO SAY,

DID YOU GET YOURSELF AN iPHONE BECAUSE THAT WAS A PRETTY OLD ‐‐

WHAT YOU DID TELL ‐‐ I THINK THAT MIGHT BE THE

PROBLEM. [ LAUGHTER ]

>> YOU KNOW, SO THERE'S NOT GREAT RECEPTION.

SO I DO STILL HAVE ‐‐ BUT I DO HAVE MY iPHONE, YES.

>> Seth: OKAY, GOOD. >> I DO, I DO.

BUT, I KNOW, THAT WAS KIND OF ‐‐ THAT WAS, WAS ‐‐ THAT LOOKED

VERY MUCH LIKE "BLACK MONDAY." BUT, NO, WE DO ‐‐ WE DO OUR

SOCIALLY DISTANT THINGS. BUT IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD WE HAVE

A SOCIAL DISTANCE LITTLE BLOCK PARTY.

>> Seth: THAT'S GREAT. CHALK LINES?

>> CHALK LINES AND EVERYBODY BRINGS THEIR OWN FOOD AND TABLE

AND CHAIRS WE DO SHARE WINE

NOW WE BRING OUR OWN CUPS. BUT IF YOU'RE HOLDING, YOU KNOW

YOU CAN POUR >> Seth: YES, OF COURSE.

>> SO WE WANT TO ‐‐ WE DO LIKE TO SHARE THE ALCOHOL BUT NOT TO

THE HEAD >> Seth: WELL, THAT IS A ‐‐ I

THINK EVERYONE SHOULD TAKE THAT AS AN INSPIRATION GOING INTO THE

WEEKEND. IT IS POSSIBLE TO SEE YOUR

FRIENDS IF YOU TAKE IT SERIOUSLY.

AND, REGINA, I HOPE THE NEXT TIME'S IN PERSON, AND IT'S

ALWAYS A DELIGHT TO SEE YOU. >> SUCH A DELIGHT.

TELL YOUR BROTHER I SAID "HI." >> Seth: ALL RIGHT, DO THE SAME

TO YOUR MOM'S CHIN FOR ME. [ LAUGHTER ]

>> TELL YOUR MOM I SAID "HI. YOU MAY NOT BE ABLE TO HEAR HER

RESPONSE, BUT AT LEAST SHE CAN SEE IT

>> Seth: YES [ LAUGHTER ]

ALL RIGHT, BYE, REGINA >> BYE, SETH

♪

♪

>> Seth: I WANT TO THANK MY GUESTS MIKE BIRBIGLIA AND

REGINA HALL. I WANT TO THANK FRED ARMISEN AND

THE 8G BAND. STAY TUNED FOR LILLY SINGH

STAY SAFE. WASH YOUR HANDS.

WE LOVE YOU.