All language subtitles for Seth.Meyers.2020.06.24.Mike.Birbiglia.WEB.h264-ROBOTS_track3_eng

>> Announcer: TONIGHT ON "LATE
NIGHT WITH SETH MEYERS,"

MIKE BIRBIGLIA, STAR OF "BLACK
MONDAY," ACTRESS, REGINA HALL,

AN ALL NEW "CLOSER LOOK,"
FEATURING THE 8G BAND WITH

FRED ARMISEN
AND NOW SETH MEYERS.

♪
>> Seth: WELCOME TO "LATE

NIGHT.
HOW'S EVERYBODY DOING?

I JUST FOUND OUT YOU ARE ALLOWED
TO USE THE BATHROOM DURING

QUARANTINE
I MEAN, I KIND OF WISH IT WAS

SOMETHING THEY MENTIONED ON DAY
ONE, BUT YOU KNOW, BETTER LATE

THAN NEVER
LET'S GET TO THE NEWS.

WHILE TOURING THE SOUTHERN
BORDER YESTERDAY IN ARIZONA,

PRESIDENT TRUMP SIGNED A PLAQUE,
COMMEMORATING THE 200th MILE OF

BORDER WALL.
YOU KNOW THE BORDER'S LIKE 2,000

MILES LONG, RIGHT?
SEEMS A LITTLE PREMATURE

WHAT DOES THE PLAQUE SAY, "TO BE
CONTINUED"

TRUMP MUST BE ONE OF THOSE GUYS
WHO TAKES THE BURRITO OUT OF THE

MICROWAVE WITH 40 SECONDS TO GO.
"THE ICE CRYSTALS ARE

REFRESHING
IT'S THE BEST PART."

THAT'S RIGHT
PRESIDENT TRUMP VISITED THE U. S.

MEXICO BORDER YESTERDAY FOR THE
FIRST TIME THIS YEAR, BUT THEY

GOT HIM BACK
"WE GOT A RUNNER

YOU CAN GIVE HIM A HEAD START.
WE'RE GOING TO CATCH HIM."

ACCORDING TO A NEW POLL, THE
MOST POPULAR CHOICE AMONG

COLLEGE STUDENTS TO BE FORMER
VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN'S RUNNING

MATE IS SENATOR
ELIZABETH WARREN

"WHAT DOES SHE HAVE THAT I DON'T
HAVE," YELLED ON, AMY KLOBUCHAR,

WHO DID NOT EXPECT SO MANY
ANSWERS.

"WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, ONE AT A
TIME, ONE AT A TIME.

LEADERS OF THE EUROPEAN UNION
ARE REPORTEDLY CONSIDERING A BAN

ON AMERICAN TOURISTS WHEN
BORDERS REOPEN IN JULY BECAUSE

OF HOW THE U. S. IS HANDLING THE
CORONAVIRUS.

AND ALSO, YOU KNOW, ALL THE
OTHER REASONS.

CORONAVIRUS MIGHT JUST BE A
COVER IN THIS CASE

PRESIDENT TRUMP MET WITH THE
PRESIDENT OF POLAND TODAY.

SO IT WAS A LOT OF, "YEAH,
UH‐HUH, NO, I HAVE HEARD THAT

ONE, BUT YEAH, NO, KEEP GOING.
AMAZON HAS REPORTEDLY SIGNED A

LEASE FOR A 1 MILLION
SQUARE‐FOOT WAREHOUSE IN

NEW YORK CITY SO THAT TWO
EMPLOYEES CAN GO BACK TO WORK

SAFELY
AN EXTREMELY RARE "STAR WARS"

ACTION FIGURE HAS GONE UP FOR
AUCTION AND IS EXPECTED TO SELL

FOR MORE THAN $225,000
APPARENTLY, IT'S AN INTRICATELY

SCULPTED FIGURE OF A FEMALE
AUDIENCE MEMBER.

A DOG IN TENNESSEE NAMED AUGUST
IS BELIEVED TO BE THE OLDEST

LIVING GOLDEN RETRIEVER AT 20
YEARS OLD.

DAMN, THAT DOG IS SO OLD, HE
THINKS HIS OWNER'S NEVER COMING

HOME WHEN SHE'S STILL IN THE
ROOM

THAT DOG IS SO OLD, THE LAST
BONE HE ATE WAS ONE OF HIS OWN

THAT DOG'S SO OLD, WHENEVER HE
STANDS UP, EVERYONE IN THE

FAMILY FEELS SAD
ALL RIGHT, YOU KNOW WHAT, THESE

AREN'T WORKING
ALSO, THOSE JOKES WERE SUBMITTED

AS BEING FROM BOTH IAN AND MIKE,
BECAUSE OBVIOUSLY THEY WANTED ME

TO KNOW IT WAS A TWO‐MAN JOB
THEY PUT THEIR HEADS TOGETHER IN

THAT ONE, IAN MORGAN AND
MIKE SCOLLINS.

AND FINALLY, A NEW YORK‐BASED
BIDET COMPANY ANNOUNCED THIS

WEEK THAT IT IS OFFERING TO PAY
SOMEONE $10 THOUSAND TO STUDY

THEIR BATHROOM HABITS OVER THE
SUMMER

SO THIS WOULD BE YOUR JOB BY
NIGHT, AND THEN YOU COULD HAVE A

REGULAR JOB BIDET.
YOU KNOW, IAN WROTE THAT ONE TOO

WITHOUT MIKE
AND I THINK IF THERE'S ANY

TAKEAWAY HERE, IAN, IT'S THAT
YOU DON'T NEED MIKE, BUDDY

HE'S BRINGING YOU DOWN
HE'S TRICKING YOU INTO WRITING

SAD JOKES ABOUT AN OLD DOG
AND YOU GOT TO BREAK FREE OF

MIKE
YOU CAN DO IT IAN.

BREAK FREE OF HIM.
THAT WAS THE MONOLOGUE

WE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT.

HE'S A VERY FUNNY COMEDIAN AND
GOOD FRIEND OF OUR SHOW.

MIKE BIRBIGLIA IS BACK
AND YOU KNOW HER FROM "GIRLS

TRIP" AND "THE HATE U GIVE."
SHE IS CURRENTLY STARRING IN

"BLACK MONDAY," WHICH RETURNS

THIS SUNDAY, REGINA HALL WILL BE
HERE
BUT FIRST, "A CLOSER LOOK.

>> Seth: HELLO EVERYONE, AND
WELCOME BACK TO THE ATTIC.

IF YOU HAVE BEEN FOLLOWING MY
THREE‐MONTHS‐PLUS JOURNEY UP

HERE, YOU KNOW WE'VE HAD TO WORK
OUT SOME KINKS

THERE HAVE BEEN BOOK
SHENANIGANS, AN INFESTATION OF

ADORABLE WASPS, MY HAIR PART
MYSTERIOUSLY SWITCHING SIDES,

AND THEN ON TOP OF ALL THAT,
SOME HELPFUL EAGLE‐EYED VIEWERS

CAUGHT A BIT OF AN IRREGULARITY
FROM OUR MONDAY SHOW, SOMETHING

THAT CAN ONLY BE DESCRIBED AS AN
ACCIDENTAL CAMEO

I ASSURE YOU WE ARE LOOKING INTO
THIS PROBLEM AND WE WILL HAVE IT

FIXED.
AS I HAVE REPEATEDLY TOLD MY

MANY FAMOUS FRIENDS, THE DOOR IN
MY ATTIC, REGARDLESS OF ITS

APPARENT MAGICAL QUALITIES, IS
NOT TO BE ABUSED FOR WALK‐ONS OR

PLUGS.
AND I CERTAINLY DON'T WANT TO BE

RESPONSIBLE FOR ANYONE GETTING
TRAPPED IN THERE, ESPECIALLY NOT

ACADEMY AWARD NOMINEE
ETHAN HAWKE.

BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, THAT MAN
COMMITS.

IF HE GETS TRAPPED IN THERE,
IT'S GOING TO BE LIKE 12 YEARS

"BOYHOOD" STYLE.
AND SPEAKING OF THINGS THAT FEEL

LIKE THEY'VE GONE ON FOR
12 YEARS, PRESIDENT TRUMP, YES,

THE SEGUES ARE BACK, AND HIS
ALLIES ON FOX NEWS HAVE SETTLED

ON A STRATEGY FOR GETTING
RE‐ELECTED

ECONOMIC ‐‐ OH, SORRY, I READ
THAT WRONG RACISM

THEIR STRATEGY IS RACISM
FOR MORE ON THIS, IT'S TIME FOR
"A CLOSER LOOK."

>> Seth: EVERY DAY BRINGS FRESH
NEW EVIDENCE OF THE DEPRAVITY

AND AMORAL CRIMINALITY OF THE
TRUMP ADMINISTRATION

THE DETAILS MAY DIFFER, BUT IN
MANY WAYS, IT FEELS LIKE THE

SAME DAY OVER AND OVER AGAIN
IT'S LIKE WE'RE ALL BILL MURRAY

IN "GROUNDHOG DAY," EXCEPT NO
ONE IS LEARNING THE PIANO AND WE

STILL HATE NED RYERSON
GET LOST, NED!

THIS IS "GROUNDHOG DAY" IF THE
CEREMONY WAS WAITING FOR THE

GROUNDHOG TO MAKE HIS WAY DOWN
THE RAMP

NO MATTER WHAT, IT TAKES HIM SIX
MORE WEEKS OF WINTER TO GET FROM

THE TOP TO THE BOTTOM.
CONGRESS COULD SPEND THE NEXT

DECADE INVESTIGATING TRUMP AND
STILL NOT GET TO EVERYTHING.

HE'S A RACIST TAX CHEAT WHO
PROFITS FROM HIS OFFICE, WANTS

TO SLOW DOWN TESTING FOR A
PANDEMIC HE IGNORED.

HE'S FACING NEW ACCUSATIONS THAT
HE EXTORTED MULTIPLE COUNTRIES

TO INTERFERE IN OUR ELECTIONS.
AND JUST TODAY, WE HEARD DAMNING

CONGRESSIONAL TESTIMONY FROM A
PROSECUTOR IN THE ROGER STONE

CASE ALLEGING THE TOP JUSTICE
DEPARTMENT OFFICIALS INTERVENED

TO GET FAVORABLE TREATMENT FOR
STONE BECAUSE HE WAS A POLITICAL
ALLY OF THE PRESIDENT.

COMMITTEE
HEARING LATER TODAY, A FEDERAL

PROSECUTOR PLANS TO TESTIFY THAT
ATTORNEY GENERAL WILLIAM BARR

AND HIS TOP DEPUTIES GAVE
INAPPROPRIATE ORDERS ON CASES IN

AN EFFORT TO CATER TO PRESIDENT
TRUMP.

>> ROGER STONE WAS TREATED
DIFFERENTLY BECAUSE OF POLITICS.

WHAT I HEARD REPEATEDLY WAS THAT
THIS LENIENCY WAS HAPPENING

BECAUSE OF STONE'S RELATIONSHIP
TO THE PRESIDENT, THAT THE

ACTING U. S. ATTORNEY FOR THE
DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA WAS

RECEIVING HEAVY PRESSURE FROM
THE HIGHEST LEVELS OF THE

DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE AND THAT
HIS INSTRUCTIONS TO US WERE

BASED ON POLITICAL
CONSIDERATIONS

AND I WAS TOLD THAT THE ACTING
U. S.

ATTORNEY WAS GIVING STONE A
BREAK BECAUSE HE WAS AFRAID OF

THE PRESIDENT OF THE
UNITED STATES.

>> Seth: OF COURSE THEY'RE
AFRAID OF THE PRESIDENT.

LOOK AT HIM.
LOOKS LIKE SOMETHING FROM A

LEGEND THEY TELL KIDS IN A SMALL
IRISH VILLAGE TO MAKE THEM DO

THEIR HOMEWORK
"FINISH YOUR MATHS, LIAM, OR THE

FIRE GOLLUM WILL CLIMB INTO THE
WINDOW AND EAT YOUR HANDS.

HE'LL EAT YOUR HANDS, LIAM."
LOOKS LIKE SOMETHING THAT WOULD

POP OUT AT YOU ON AN AMAZON
RIVER CRUISE

ANACONMAN.
WHOO, HOO‐HOO!

THAT ONE DESERVES AN ATTIC
HIGH‐FIVE.

♪ ATTIC HIGH‐FIVE ♪
[ CLAP ]

THE PRESIDENT SUBVERTED THE RULE
OF LAW TO GET FAVORABLE

TREATMENT FOR A POLITICAL ALLY
AND KEY GO‐BETWEEN IN RUSSIA'S

CRIMINAL CONSPIRACY TO HELP
TRUMP WIN THE 2016 ELECTION.

A GUY WHO, SETTING ASIDE ALL THE
EVIDENCE AGAINST HIM, LOOKS LIKE

AN OBVIOUS CRIMINAL.
I MEAN, HE JUST LOOKS LIKE A

VILLAIN WHO WOULD TRY TO STEAL
THE TARDIS FROM DOCTOR WHO

IF YOU DIDN'T KNOW HE WAS AN
ADVISER TO TRUMP, YOU'D THINK HE

WAS A TIMES SQUARE WEIRDO
PRETENDING TO BE JAMES SPADER

FROM "THE BLACKLIST.
"HEY LADY, DO YOUR KIDS WANT A

PICTURE WITH RED
YOU KNOW, RED FROM 'THE

BLACKLIST.'"
AND HEY, SINCE WE MENTIONED

JAMES SPADER, I ALSO WANT TO
MENTION THAT MY SUMMER GOAL

CONTINUES TO BE GROWING MY HAIR
LONG ENOUGH TO LOOK LIKE

JAMES SPADER'S CHARACTER STEFF
FROM "PRETTY IN PINK."

I'M GOING TO GO OUT AND BUY THE
SUIT AND EVERYTHING.

OF COURSE, THE ONLY THING I
CAN'T BUY IS THAT SPADER

CONFIDENCE
AH, ONE DAY.

AND THE STONE NEWS COMES JUST
DAYS AFTER TRUMP'S DOJ OUSTED

ONE OF THE MOST POWERFUL
PROSECUTORS IN THE COUNTRY, THE

U.S. ATTORNEY FOR THE SOUTHERN
DISTRICT NEW YORK.

THAT'S THE OFFICE CURRENTLY
OVERSEEING SEVERAL

INVESTIGATIONS OF TRUMP AND HIS
ALLIES INCLUDING TRUMP'S LAWYER

AND SUNDOWNING GREMLIN
RUDY GIULIANI.

"FINISH YOUR SCIENCE PROJECT
TOO, LIAM, OR THE POTATO VAMPIRE

WILL FLY THROUGH YOUR WINDOW AND
STEAL YOUR PILLS

I DON'T KNOW WHAT HE WANTS YOUR
PILLS FOR, LIAM.

I JUST KNOW HE'S COMING.
IF THAT PAPER MACHE VOLCANO

ISN'T DONE COME MORNING, LIAM.
TRUMP IS USING THE COVER OF A

SERIES OF ACUTE NATIONAL CRISES
FROM INSTITUTIONAL RACISM AND

POLICE BRUTALITY TO THE
PANDEMIC, TO THE ECONOMIC CRASH,

TO DISMANTLE THE RULE OF LAW,
AND PROTECT HIMSELF AND HIS

CRONIES.
IT'S LIKE IF NIXON HAD MANAGED

TO DISTRACT EVERYONE FROM
"WATERGATE" BY CRASHING HIS CAR

INTO A DAIRY QUEEN
THERE ARE DAYS WHEN IT CAN FEEL

DIFFICULT TO FULLY CAPTURE THE
GRAVITY OF THE SITUATION WE'RE

IN
BUT THEN THERE ARE OTHER DAYS

WHEN YOU REALIZE THERE REALLY
ARE NO WORDS TO CONVEY JUST HOW

SEISMICALLY HISTORICALLY EARTH
SHATTERINGLY STUPID EVERYTHING

IS RIGHT NOW
LIKE YESTERDAY WHEN THE

PRESIDENT SPOKE TO AN AUDITORIUM
OF SO‐CALLED STUDENTS FOR TRUMP

IN A STATE, ARIZONA, WHICH IS
CURRENTLY SEEING A

RECORD‐SETTING SPIKE IN

CORONAVIRUS CASES.
AND HE AMPED UP THE CROWD WITH
THIS SUPER RACIST COMMENT.

>> THERE'S NEVER BEEN ANYTHING
WHERE THEY HAVE SO MANY NAMES.

I COULD GIVE YOU 19 OR 20 NAMES
FOR THAT, RIGHT?

IT'S GOT ALL DIFFERENT NAMES
WUHAN.

WUHAN WAS CATCHING ON.
CORONAVIRUS, RIGHT

KUNG FLU
[ CHEERING ]

KUNG FLU
>> Seth: YOU KNOW, RACISTS LIKE

TO COMPLAIN THAT THE RULES ARE
CHANGING ALL THE TIME AND THEY

DON'T KNOW WHAT'S OKAY TO SAY,
WHAT ISN'T

BUT THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN RACIST
IN 1920.

IF CLARA BOW HAD SAID THAT,
SHE'D HAVE BEEN CANCELED

"BOW'S GOT TO GO."
THAT'S LIKE SOMETHING A RACIST

FOURTH GRADER WOULD SPRAY‐PAINT
IN THE BATHROOM AND GET EXPELLED

FOR.
UNLESS THAT SCHOOL REQUIRED

TWO‐THIRDS OF THE SENATE TO VOTE
TO EXPEL, IN WHICH CASE,

SUSAN COLLINS WOULD BE TELLING
US, "I THINK TIMMY HAS LEARNED

HIS LESSON IN REGARDS TO
SPRAY‐PAINTING

[ HISSING
HE'S SPRAY‐PAINTING BEHIND ME

RIGHT NOW, ISN'T HE?
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY

ANYMORE, MAN
HE JUST SUCKS SO HARD, JUST A

THOROUGHLY CRETINOUSLY,
IRREDEEMABLE MR. TOMATO HEAD

SLINKING BACK TO THE WHITE HOUSE
LIKE HE JUST GOT KICKED OUT OF A

PARTY AT STUDIO 54 FOR DOING
WHIPPETS IN THE BATHROOM

HE HAS TO BE THE BIGGEST DOUCHE
ON EARTH

AND I SAY THAT KNOWING FULL WELL
THAT KID ROCK IS OUT THERE

SOMEWHERE FILLING UP A PAIR OF
FLAG PANTS WITH CHILI DOG FARTS.

IT'S ESPECIALLY DISHEARTENING TO
HEAR THE AUDIENCE LOSING THEIR

MINDS LIKE GALLAGHER JUST WALKED
OUT WITH A WATERMELON.

NOW, THE AUDIENCE WAS SUPPOSED
TO BE STUDENTS FOR TRUMP, AND

I'M JUST GUESSING, BUT THE WORD
"STUDENTS" IN "STUDENTS FOR

TRUMP" PROBABLY HAS A PRETTY
LOOSE DEFINITION

THEY'RE PROBABLY STUDENTS THE
WAY TRUMP IS, YOU KNOW, MARRIED.

BUT DON'T WORRY.

TRUMP MADE SURE TO FOLLOW UP HIS
TRADEMARK RACISM WITH SOME
BREATHTAKING STUPIDITY, TOO.

>> COVID, COVID‐19, COVID.
I SAY WHAT'S THE 19, COVID‐19,

SOME PEOPLE CAN'T EXPLAIN WHAT
THE 19

GIVE ME ‐‐
COVID‐19

I SAID, "THAT'S AN ODD NAME.
>> WHAT DO YOU THINK IT MEANS?

"COVID‐19, OF COURSE, IS WHEN A
FRESHMAN GOES OFF TO COVID AND

THEY GAIN WEIGHT, SOMETIMES AS
MUCH AS 19 POUNDS.

THE COVID‐19, IF YOU WILL.
I MEAN, WHY DO YOU THINK THEY

CALL IT THE 2020 ELECTION?
DO YOU THINK YOU NEED PERFECT

EYESIGHT TO VOTE
OF COURSE, AS ALWAYS WHEN HE

SAYS SOME PEOPLE, HE MEANS
HIMSELF.

THAT'S HIS TRADEMARK WAY OF
ADMITTING HE DOESN'T KNOW

SOMETHING.
AS SOON AS SOMEONE EXPLAINS TO

HIM WHAT THE 19 STANDS FOR, YOU
CAN BE SURE HE'LL SAY SOMETHING

LIKE, "PEOPLE DON'T KNOW THIS,
BUT THE 19 STANDS FOR THE YEAR

IT WAS DISCOVERED.
THAT'S SOMETHING MOST PEOPLE

JUST FOUND OUT VERY RECENTLY AND
NOT SOMETHING THEY WERE TOLD

MULTIPLE TIMES, BUT THEY FORGOT
BECAUSE THEY DON'T REALLY LISTEN

TO MEETINGS.
NOW THAT HE'S OVERSEEN ONE OF

THE MOST CATASTROPHIC PERIODS IN
AMERICAN HISTORY, FROM A

PANDEMIC HE IGNORED TO AN
ECONOMIC CRASH HE HAS NO

INTEREST IN STOPPING, THIS IS
ALL TRUMP HAS LEFT, DOUBLING

DOWN ON EXPLICIT RACISM.
HE AND HIS ALLIES ON THE RIGHT

HAVE VERY FEW TRICKS LEFT IN
THEIR RE‐ELECTION BAG.

THEY'VE APPARENTLY SETTLED ON A
STRATEGY OF RACIST FEAR

MONGERING ABOUT "BLACK LIVES
MATTER" PROTESTS, UNDERMINING

THE INTEGRITY OF THE ELECTION
ITSELF, AND ASSURING YOU THAT

THE PRESIDENT'S RIGHT ARM IS
STRONG ENOUGH TO HOLD A GLASS OF

WATER.
NORMALLY, WHEN SOMEONE'S EAGER

TO SHOW YOU THEY CAN HOLD A CUP
ON THEIR OWN, THAT CUP HAS A

MINION ON IT
AT THIS MOMENT, STATES LIKE

ARIZONA AND TEXAS ARE
EXPERIENCING RECORD‐SETTING

COVID SPIKES, AND AMERICANS ARE
CAMPING OUT FOR HOURS IN THE

HEAT TO APPLY FOR UNEMPLOYMENT
YOU'D THINK VIEWERS TUNING INTO

THE NEWS WOULD WANT TO HEAR SOME
WORDS OF ASSURANCE ABOUT THOSE

CRISES FROM THE PRESIDENT,
INSTEAD FOX NEWS CHOSE TO RUN

WITH THIS VERY REAL HEADLINE
FROM TRUMP'S RALLY IN TULSA.

TRUMP USED TWO HANDS TO DRINK
WATER TO AVOID GETTING TIE WET

WOW, YOU GUYS ARE DOING SOME
GRADE‐A JOURNALISM OVER THERE.

IT REMINDS ME OF THAT FAMOUS
HEADLINE THE DAY AFTER THE

GETTYSBURG ADDRESS, LINCOLN PEED
PANTS TO AVOID GOING IN HAT.

THEY ARE REALLY SCRAPING THE
BOTTOM OF THE BARREL

IT JUST GOES TO SHOW YOU HOW
DESPERATE THEY ARE AND HOW

INTELLECTUALLY BANKRUPT THE
CONSERVATIVE MOVEMENT HAS

BECOME
THEY CAN'T CELEBRATE ANY POLICY

SUCCESSES BECAUSE THEY DON'T
HAVE ANY

AND THEY CAN'T TELL YOU HOW
GREAT THINGS ARE BECAUSE THINGS

ARE HORRIBLE
THE BEST THEY CAN DO IS BRAG

ABOUT THE FACT THAT THE
PRESIDENT'S MOTOR SKILLS ARE

STILL INTACT
THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT HIM LIKE

HE JUST EMERGED FROM A
DECADE‐LONG COMA

I CAN'T WAIT FOR THEIR PRIMETIME
SPECIAL, "TRUMP, HE'S AWARE OF

HIS SURROUNDINGS."
THIS IS ALL THEY HAVE LEFT

WHEN THEY'RE NOT
ENTHUSIASTICALLY CHEERING THE

PRESIDENT FOR SUCCESSFULLY
LIFTING A GLASS TO HIS LIPS THE

WAY YOU'D REWARD A DOG FOR
LEARNING HOW TO SHAKE YOUR HAND,

THEY'RE TRYING TO SCARE THE CRAP
OUT OF THEIR AUDIENCE WITH

RACIST FEAR‐MONGERING ABOUT THE
"BLACK LIVES MATTER" PROTESTS.

HERE, FOR EXAMPLE, IS

RUDY GIULIANI ON FOX, CLAIMING
BLACK LIVES MATTER WAS LITERALLY
COMING TO TAKE YOUR HOUSE AWAY

COMMUNISTS AND THEIR ALLIES ARE
EXECUTING A PLAN THEY WROTE

ABOUT FOUR OR FIVE YEARS AGO
JUST GO BACK AND READ WHAT THEY

WROTE IN THE MANIFESTOS THAT
THEY WROTE, INCLUDING "BLACK

LIVES MATTER."
THEY WANT TO DESTROY OUR

GOVERNMENT
THEY WANT TO DO AWAY WITH OUR

SYSTEM OF COURTS
AND THEY WANT TO TAKE YOUR

PROPERTY AWAY AND GIVE IT TO
OTHER PEOPLE

THIS IS AN ANARCHIST, AN
ORGANIZED ANARCHIST SUPPORTED

WITH A LOT OF MONEY, PEOPLE WHO
SAY THEY'RE FAVORABLE TO BLACK

LIVES MATTER
BLACK LIVES MATTER WANTS TO COME

AND TAKE YOUR HOUSE AWAY FROM
YOU.

>> Seth: THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED TO
ME

THEY TOOK MY HOUSE AWAY AND I'VE
BEEN SLEEPING IN THE REPTILE

WING AT THE NATURAL HISTORY
MUSEUM

NO ONE NOTICES ME.
BESIDES, WE ALL KNOW THAT IF

ANYONE IS GOING TO TAKE YOUR
HOUSE AWAY, IT'S TOM SELLECK

OH, SURE
HE SAYS REVERSE MORTGAGES AREN'T

A TRICK TO TAKE AWAY YOUR HOUSE,
BUT IF THAT WERE TRUE, WHY WOULD

HE KEEP BRINGING IT UP
THAT'S LIKE SAYING, "HAVE SOME

OF THE MILKSHAKE
IT'S NOT POISON.

I'VE TOLD YOU THE MILKSHAKE
ISN'T POISON, HAVEN'T I?

GOOD
NOW, DRINK YOUR MILKSHAKE.

IT'S NOT POISON.
I GOT EYES ON YOU, SELLECK

JUST A SIDE NOTE HERE, BUT RUDY,
PLEASE STOP SAYING YOU'RE FROM

NEW YORK CITY.
IT'S EMBARRASSING TO THE REST OF

US
CAN YOU JUST TELL EVERYONE YOU

USED TO BE THE MAYOR OF
DEL BOCA VISTA OR SOMETHING?

HELL, JUST MAKE SOMETHING UP
TELL PEOPLE YOU'RE FROM A

COUNTRY WHERE PEOPLE ARE JUST
NATURALLY BORN WITHOUT NECKS

NO‐NECK‐ISTAN.
OOH, I THINK THAT MIGHT CALL FOR

ANOTHER ATTIC HIGH‐FIVE!
>> NO!

>> Seth: OKAY, JESUS
WHEN DID YOU GET SO PICKY, ATTIC

HIGH‐FIVE?
THIS KIND OF RACIST FEAR

MONGERING IS SO ABSURD AND ON
THE NOSE, IT'S ALMOST HARD TO

TAKE SERIOUSLY
IF IT WASN'T OBVIOUSLY THE FOX

NEWS' STRATEGY FOR TRYING TO GET
TRUMP RE‐ELECTED

LAST NIGHT, FOR EXAMPLE, AS
STATES LIKE TEXAS, ARIZONA AND

CALIFORNIA SET NEW RECORDS FOR
CORONAVIRUS INFECTIONS, AND THE

U.S. HEADED BACK UP THE CURVE
TOWARD OUR PEAK FROM A FEW

MONTHS AGO, PROMPTING THE
EUROPEAN UNION TO CONSIDER A BAN

ON TRAVELERS FROM THE

UNITED STATES, HERE'S WHAT THE
PRESIDENT'S FAVORITE PROPAGANDA
CHANNEL WAS TALKING ABOUT.

>> DEMOCRATIC POLITICIANS DON'T
FEAR THE MOB

NOTICE THAT?
WHY?

BECAUSE THEY DON'T NEED TO
THEY CONTROL THE MOB

THE MOB OPERATES WITH THEIR
PERMISSION

THESE ARE THEIR FOOT SOLDIERS.
THIS IS THEIR MILITIA.

>> BREAKING TONIGHT, MASSIVE
CHAOS IN AMERICA'S CITIES.

IT'S ONGOING
>> THE MAIN POINT THAT EVERYONE

WATCHING THIS TONIGHT NEEDS TO
UNDERSTAND REALLY CLEARLY, BIDEN

EQUALS CHAOS
>> Seth: BIDEN EQUALS CHAOS?

I HATE TO TELL YOU THIS, BUT
EVEN YOUR GUY CALLS HIM SLEEPY

JOE.
YOU CAN'T HAVE IT BOTH WAYS.

I MEAN, RIGHT NOW, HE MIGHT AS
WELL JUST BE RUNNING FOR LUNESTA

SPOKESMAN.
LOOK, I KNOW HE'S BEEN DOING

CAMPAIGN EVENTS, BUT I NEVER
EVEN KNOW ABOUT THEM

AND HONESTLY I PREFER THAT
I LOVE THIS STRATEGY

IF I HAD MY WAY, BIDEN'S
CAMPAIGN SLOGAN WOULD BE "ELECT

ME PRESIDENT, AND YOU'LL NEVER
HEAR FROM ME AGAIN."

AND IF YOU GUYS ARE SO
ANTI‐CHAOS, MAYBE YOU HAVEN'T

NOTICED THE CURRENT PRESIDENT IS
DONALD TRUMP

AND I KNOW YOU GUYS DESPERATELY
WISH THAT WASN'T TRUE BECAUSE

YOU MUCH PREFER TO SPEND YOUR
TIME ATTACKING DEMOCRATS THAN

HAVING TO DO P. R. FOR THE
SQUINTY EYE OF SAURON OVER HERE,

BUT THAT'S THE REALITY
THIS IS A SOCIOPATHIC POLITICAL

MOVEMENT CONCERNED ONLY WITH
AMASSING AND MAINTAINING POWER

AND THEY'VE DECIDED AMID TRUMP'S
MANY FAILURES TO DOUBLE DOWN ON

CRUDE, BALD‐FACED RACISM AS
THEIR ONLY HOPE OF WINNING

THEY DON'T ACTUALLY WANT TO
GOVERN
IN FACT ‐‐

>> THEY WANT TO DESTROY OUR
GOVERNMENT

>> Seth: THIS HAS BEEN "A CLOSER
LOOK."

♪
AS NEW YORK WORKS HARD TO REOPEN

UNDER PHASE TWO, REMEMBER THAT
WE'RE STILL A CITY IN CRISIS AND

CITY HARVEST HAS BEEN STEPPING
UP TO MEET THE INCREASED NEED.

THERE'S A WEBSITE BELOW TO
DONATE

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH
MIKE BIRBIGLIA

♪

♪

>> Seth: OUR FIRST GUEST TONIGHT
IS A VERY FUNNY COMEDIAN AND

DIRECTOR YOU KNOW FROM SUCH
FILMS AS "SLEEPWALK WITH ME,"

"DON'T THINK TWICE," AND
"TRAINWRECK.

HIS NEW BOOK, "THE NEW ONE:
PAINFULLY TRUE STORIES FROM A

RELUCTANT DAD," IS AVAILABLE

NOW.
HERE'S MY CONVERSATION WITH OUR
FRIEND, MIKE BIRBIGLIA

>> Seth: HI, MIKE.
HOW ARE YOU, BUDDY

>> I'M GOOD.
I'M GOOD

HOW ARE YOU DOING?
GOOD TO SEE YOU.

>> Seth: GOOD.
I MEAN ‐‐ HOW ‐‐ I KNOW IT WAS A

VERY BIG WEEK IN THE
BIRBIGLIA‐STEIN HOUSEHOLD.

HOW DID IT GO?
>> SO MUCH PARTYING, SETH.

>> Seth: YEAH.
>> WE HAD MY BIRTHDAY.

WE HAD FATHER'S DAY.
WE HAD MY WIFE'S BIRTHDAY.

IT WAS A PARTY BACK TO BACK TO
BACK

THE INVITE LIST WAS ‐‐ WELL ‐‐
[ LAUGHTER ]

IT WAS ‐‐ IT WAS JUST MYSELF AND
JEN AND UNA.

>> Seth: YES, YOUR CHILD
YOUR FIVE‐YEAR‐OLD UNA

NOW BE HONEST, SO HOW ‐‐ HOW BIG
A BIRTHDAY PARTY WOULD YOU HAVE

HAD IN A NORMAL TIME
>> OKAY.

LAST YEAR WHEN SHE WAS FOUR, WE
HAD A PARTY, WE HAD ONE OF THOSE

"WE'RE NEVER DOING THIS AGAIN"
PARTIES.

>> Seth: I GOTCHA.
>> HAVE YOU HAD ONE OF THOSE

>> Seth: WE HAVE HAD ONE OF
THOSE, YEAH.

[ LAUGHTER ]
>> WE ‐‐ I FEEL LIKE WE HAD THAT

EVERY YEAR
AND THEN THIS YEAR THE PROPHECY

CAME TRUE.
>> Seth: OH, THAT'S TRUE

SO YOU WENT ‐‐ YOU MONKEY‐PAWED
WISHED FOR NEVER HAVING THAT

BIRTHDAY AGAIN
[ LAUGHTER ]

>> WE HAD A LOT OF PEOPLE.
AND THEN I TALK ABOUT IT IN THE

BOOK, BUT WHEN JEN WAS PREGNANT,
WE WENT TO THE MUSEUM OF NATURAL

HISTORY AT ONE POINT BECAUSE JEN
SAID SHE FELT TERRIBLE, SHE WAS,

LIKE, I CAN'T BREATHE OR SPEAK
OR MOVE.

AND ‐‐ AND SHE SAID I FEEL LIKE
A MAMMAL

AND I SAID, WELL, WHAT DO YOU
WANT TO DO

SHE SAID I WANT TO GO TO THE
MUSEUM OF NATURAL HISTORY TO BE

WITH THE OTHER MAMMALS
[ LAUGHTER ]

AND SO WE DID THAT
THE DAY BEFORE UNA WAS BORN, WE

WENT TO THE MUSEUM OF NATURAL
HISTORY.

AND SO EVER SINCE THEN, WE GO
FOR UNA'S BIRTHDAY TO THE MUSEUM

OF NATURAL HISTORY EVERY YEAR.
OBVIOUSLY, WE CAN'T NOW.

AND SO IN OUR SPACE HERE, WE
CREATED, LIKE, WITH DINOSAURS

AND SEA CREATURE TOYS AND THINGS
LIKE THAT A MUSEUM OF NATURAL

HISTORY.
AND TO THE EXTENT WHERE JEN

KNITTED ‐‐ JEN DOESN'T KNIT.
>> Seth: OKAY.

>> SHE KNITTED A BIG MAMMAL ‐‐
>> Seth: WHOA!

>> LIKE, AT THE MUSEUM OF
NATURAL HISTORY.

>> Seth: I MEAN, THAT'S WILDLY
IMPRESSIVE FOR HER FIRST

KNITTING ENDEAVOR.
>> I'D SAY SO.

AND, YEAH, SO WE HAD THIS
HANGING FROM THE CEILING

AND I THINK WE'RE DOING WHAT WE
CAN, SETH.

>> Seth: YOU KNOW WHAT, I WILL
TELL YOU THAT AS MUCH AS I LOVE

THAT BIG OLD WHALE AT THE
HISTORY MUSEUM, I'M ALWAYS A

LITTLE WORRIED IT'S GOING TO
FALL DOWN AND KILL ME.

AND I DID NOT FEEL THAT WAY
ABOUT JEN'S.

I KNOW THAT YOU'RE WORKING,
WHICH IS VERY EXCITING

YOU'RE WORKING ON A NEW SHOW,
WHICH, HISTORICALLY, YOU HAVE

ALWAYS FINISHED A SHOW, YOU HAVE
FILMED IT, IT HAS BEEN AVAILABLE

TO WATCH
AND BY THE TIME I TELL YOU IT'S

GOOD, I KNOW THAT YOU'RE ALREADY
WORKING ON YOUR NEXT THING

AND YOU ARE WORKING ON A SHOW
ABOUT GETTING OLDER.

DO YOUR FANS CORRECTLY GUESS
YOUR AGE

>> NEVER
>> Seth: YEAH.

WHERE DO THEY ERR ON
WHAT SIDE DO THEY ERR ON

[ LAUGHTER ]
>> WHAT THEY DO WITH ME, I

TURNED 42 THIS WEEKEND
AND, YEAH.

BUT I'M A HARD 42.
I'M A 42 WHERE PEOPLE SAY, "I

THOUGHT YOU WERE 52.
AND I'M, LIKE, OH, THANKS FOR

ADDING A DECADE OF DECAY AND NO
WISDOM TO MY LIFE.

BUT, YEAH.
DON'T ‐‐ DON'T GUESS PEOPLE'S

AGES
>> Seth: YEAH.

>> JUST DON'T DO IT.
>> Seth: NO.

I THINK IT'S SORT OF ENGRAINED
IN US NOT TO GUESS A WOMAN'S

AGE.
BUT THE REST OF US HAVE FEELINGS

TOO.
AND IN GENERAL IT SHOULD NOT

BE ‐‐ YOUR WHIMSICAL GUESS IS
NOT GOING TO DO ANYONE ANY

FAVORS
>> YEAH.

AND MY PROBLEM IS, IS THAT THE
CELEBRITY COMPARISON PEOPLE DO

OF ME IS PAUL RUDD
AND THAT DUDE KEEPS GETTING

YOUNGER SOMEHOW.
>> Seth: YEAH.

IT'S VERY UNFAIR
>> AND I USED TO WANT TO PLAY

HIS BROTHER.
NOW I'M GOING TO END UP PLAYING

HIS FATHER
[ LAUGHTER ]

>> Seth: TAKE OVER FOR
MICHAEL DOUGLAS.

HEY, SO THE BOOK IS ‐‐ THE
BOOK'S FANTASTIC

SO THIS WAS ALSO THE NAME OF
YOUR SHOW THAT YOU DID ON

BROADWAY THAT IS AVAILABLE TO
SEE ON NETFLIX, WHICH IS

FANTASTIC.
AND YOU'VE WRITTEN THIS BOOK

WITH YOUR WIFE, JEN.
AND YOU TALK ABOUT IN THE BOOK,

WHICH I PERSONALLY REMEMBER AS
WELL, AND NOW I THINK WE'RE BOTH

IN THE POSITION OF GIVING IT IF
PEOPLE WERE TO ASK

BUT WHEN YOU'RE ABOUT TO BECOME
A PARENT, YOU GET A LOT OF

ADVICE FROM OTHER PARENTS.
>> YES

>> Seth: AND IT IS NOT
PARTICULARLY EASY ADVICE TO SIFT

THROUGH.
>> IT IS ‐‐ I DEDICATED A

CHAPTER TO IT.
IT'S CALLED "FRIENDLY ADVICE

FROM OTHER PARENTS."
AND I'LL JUST GIVE YOU A SNIPPET

OF IT.
AND IT'S A LITANY OF THINGS

PEOPLE SAID TO ME, OR I IMAGINED
IT, BASICALLY.

>> Seth: YES
SO THIS IS ‐‐ IF YOU'RE ABOUT TO

BECOME A PARENT, I THINK THIS IS
A GOOD THING TO RECORD THIS ON

YOUR DVR BECAUSE MIKE'S ABOUT TO
GIVE YOU INCREDIBLY HELPFUL

ADVICE
>> FRIENDLY ADVICE

FRIENDLY ADVICE.
"YOUR DAUGHTER'S GETTING A

SUNBURN.
YOU'RE GETTING A SUNBURN

WE'RE ALL GETTING A SUNBURN.
LET THEM CRY

DON'T LET THEM CRY
I'M GREAT WITH KIDS.

IT SEEMS LIKE YOU'RE NOT GREAT
WITH KIDS.

KIDS WILL MURDER EACH OTHER IF
YOU LET THEM

YOU HAVE TO LET KIDS MURDER EACH
OTHER.

MURDER IS WRONG.
MURDER ISN'T ALWAYS WRONG.

MEAT IS MURDER
THE MURDER BURGER AT THIS

RESTAURANT IS PHENOMENAL
GET YOUR KIDS SIGNED UP FOR

CAMP
THERE WAS A MURDER AT THAT CAMP.

[ LAUGHTER ]
OUR CHILDREN SHOULD BE FRIENDS

I HAVE NO FRIENDS.
I NEED YOU TO BE MY FRIEND

SHE SHOULDN'T BE OUTSIDE IN THIS
WEATHER.

SHE SHOULDN'T BE INSIDE IN THIS
WEATHER.

THE GOVERNMENT CONTROLS THE
WEATHER.

MY CHILDREN WON'T LET ME NEAR
THEIR CHILDREN, SO IT'S NICE

TALKING TO YOU
WHAT'S HER NAME?

THAT'S NOT A NAME.
GIVE HER A DIFFERENT NAME.

CUT HER HAIR
DON'T YOU DARE CUT THAT HAIR

SELL HER HAIR.
DONATE HER HAIR.

OUR SON HITS
THEY ALL HIT

I KNOW OUR SON IS HITTING YOUR
DAUGHTER, BUT IT'S FINE.

YOU NEED TO HAVE A THICKER SKIN.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

THAT'S ‐
>> Seth: I THINK THAT'S A LOT TO

PROCESS.
SO WE'LL LET EVERYBODY WORK

THROUGH THAT, AND WE'LL BE RIGHT
BACK WITH MORE MIKE BIRBIGLIA

RIGHT AFTER THIS
♪

♪

>> Seth: MIKE, YOU'VE BEEN DOING

SOMETHING REALLY COOL CALLED
"WORKING IT OUT.

AND THIS IS YOU AND A FELLOW
COMEDIAN, MORE OFTEN THAN NOT,

SOMEONE YOU KNOW FAIRLY WELL
BASICALLY DOING WHAT YOU WOULD

BE DOING IN CLUBS WITH EACH
OTHER ON SOCIAL MEDIA.

>> YEAH.
SO IT'S, LIKE, I'VE BEEN DOING

IT AS A PODCAST CALLED "WORKING
IT OUT."

AND I WANT TO PRESSURE YOU TO
COME ON.

>> Seth: I DO WANT TO DO IT.
I REALLY WANT TO DO IT

>> AND SO I WORK ON NEW
MATERIAL

AND IT'S IMPORTANT FOR ME TO
CONVINCE PEOPLE LIKE YOU TO COME

ON BECAUSE IT ACTUALLY IS
COLLABORATIVE.

LIKE, I HAVE HAD PEOPLE LIKE
JOHN MULANEY AND HANNAH GADSBY

AND THEY GIVE DIFFERENT TYPES OF
FEEDBACK

BECAUSE I WANT FEEDBACK.
I HAVE NO AUDIENCE RIGHT NOW

>> Seth: RIGHT
>> AND SO, LIKE, HERE'S A BIT

THAT I'VE BEEN WORKING ON, WHICH
IS SORT OF MY MOST EXISTENTIAL

PANDEMIC‐ISH THEMED BIT, WHICH
IS THAT I'VE NEVER BEEN A

RELIGIOUS PERSON, BUT I'M
STARTING TO THINK I SHOULD START

MY OWN RELIGION.
AND IT'S CALLED "NOBODY KNOWS.

AND IF YOU VENMO ME $5, YOU'RE A
MEMBER OF NOBODY KNOWS

>> Seth: GOTCHA.
>> AND IF YOU VENMO ME $500,

I'LL TELL YOU THE SECRET
BUT, ACTUALLY, I COULD TELL YOU

THE SECRET
IT'S NOBODY KNOWS.

>> Seth: IT'S NOBODY KNOWS
>> AND IF YOU VENMO ME

$5 MILLION ‐
>> Seth: OKAY.

>> YOU WILL BE FLOWN IN A
PRIVATE JET TO A SECRET ISLAND,

AND YOU WILL BE BLINDFOLDED AND
WALKED TO THE EDGE OF A VOLCANO,

AND I WILL WHISPER INTO YOUR EAR
"NOBODY KNOWS.

AND ‐‐ BUT YOU MUST NEVER SPEAK
OF IT.

>> Seth: SURE.
>> BUT ONE DAY, YOU CAN TAKE

SOMEONE ELSE ON THAT JET TO THAT
SAME ISLAND AND CHARGE THEM

$5 MILLION
AND, SETH, WHAT YOU'RE PROBABLY

THINKING RIGHT NOW IS, "MIKE,
WHAT YOU'RE DESCRIBING IS A

PYRAMID SCHEME," AND I'D SAY,
"SURE, SETH, BUT IT'S ALSO A

METAPHOR."
>> Seth: THAT'S WONDERFUL.

[ LAUGHTER ]
>> DO YOU HAVE ANY TIPS?

>> Seth: IT'S GOOD
MAYBE I FEEL LIKE YOU COULD

INSTEAD OF A VOLCANO, YOU COULD
BRING THEM TO THE EDGE OF A

PYRAMID EARLIER ON
>> OH, THAT'S NICE

>> Seth: RIGHT, LIKE TIP THAT
THIS IS A PYRAMID SCHEME

LIKE, I WASN'T HIDING IT, I
PROMISE.

I BROUGHT YOU TO A PHYSICAL
PYRAMID.

>> THAT'S RIGHT.
I MEAN, THAT'S THE KIND OF STUFF

I'VE BEEN WRITING LATELY
LIKE IT'S SO ‐‐ I MEAN,

OBVIOUSLY, WE'RE LIVING IN,
LIKE, UPSIDE DOWN UNIVERSE

IT'S ‐‐ YOU KNOW, EVERY ‐‐ YOU
LITERALLY CAN'T KEEP TRACK OF

WHAT HAPPENS IN A DAY NEWSWISE
>> Seth: YEAH.

>> AND SO I END UP WRITING THESE
SORT OF LIKE, ‐‐ I DON'T KNOW,

THESE SORT OF EXISTENTIAL BITS
>> Seth: WELL, IT WAS

INTERESTING BECAUSE YOU REACHED
OUT TO ME IN DOING IT RIGHT WHEN

THIS STARTED
>> YEP

>> Seth: LIKE, ONE OR TWO.
AND I THOUGHT, "OH, YEAH,

GREAT.
I STARTED TAKING NOTES

THEN WHEN WE STARTED I DIDN'T
REALIZE HOW LONG THIS WOULD TAKE

OR WHETHER WE'D DO THE SHOW.
SO WE STARTED DOING THE SHOW

BUT BECAUSE YOU WERE COMING ON,
I WENT BACK AND LOOKED AT MY

NOTES.
AND IT IS WEIRD HOW WHAT WAS

FUNNY, WHAT I WAS THINKING ABOUT
COMEDICALLY SEEMS VERY SMALL AND

VERY ‐‐ LIKE, THIS AND THAT AND,
OH, NOW WOULD NOT BE A GOOD TIME

TO WORK OUT THESE BITS
DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

>> WELL, I MEAN, THAT'S THE
THING ABOUT COMEDY IS IT'S

ALWAYS ABOUT FINDING THE LINE.
AND YOU WANT TO GET CLOSE TO THE

LINE, YOU DON'T WANT TO CROSS
THE LINE

BUT THE LINE CHANGES ALL THE
TIME

AND WHEN YOU'RE IN A GLOBAL
PANDEMIC, LIKE EVEN WHAT THE

SHOW IS ABOUT, WHICH IS LIKE
APPROACHING MIDDLE AGE AND

THINKING ABOUT DEATH BECOMES
ENTIRELY SUBJECTIVE.

AND IT MEANS SOMETHING DIFFERENT
THAN IT DID BEFORE THE PANDEMIC.

>> Seth: YEAH.
I ALSO THINK THERE IS A LOT OF

COMEDIANS WILL APPROACH A TOPIC
FROM THE PERSPECTIVE OF HERE'S

MY COMPLAINT ABOUT, RIGHT?
>> YES

>> Seth: AND RIGHT NOW I FEEL
LIKE ANY TIME YOU COMPLAIN ABOUT

ANYTHING, YOU HAVE TO PREFACE IT
WITH, NOW, OBVIOUSLY, THERE ARE

BIGGER THINGS GOING ON
>> OF COURSE

>> Seth: LOOK.
I'M SURE YOU'RE GOING TO FIGURE

OUT HOW TO DO IT
WE'RE ALL GOING TO FIGURE OUT

HOW TO DO IT
BUT WHEN YOU SIT DOWN AND YOU'RE

LIKE, "WHAT DO I WANT TO DO
STAND‐UP ABOUT NOW?"

IT'S LIKE OH, BOY.
>> NO.

I THINK ABOUT THAT ALL TIME.
LIKE, THERE'S SOMETHING LIKE AS

TRIVIAL THAT I WAS WORKING OUT
ON THE SHOW ABOUT, LIKE, I

TRAVEL FOR MY JOB AND I STAY IN
HOTELS, AND I'VE NEVER DRANK THE

MINI LIQUOR BOTTLES FROM THE
MINI BAR

BUT I'M TRIPLE DIGITS ON GLASS
JARS OF PEANUT M&Ms, WHICH I

BELIEVE IS THE MOST SEXIEST,
MOST ARTISANAL PACKAGING FOR THE

LEAST ARTISANAL SNACK FOOD ITEM.
>> Seth: YES

>> AND MY OBSERVATION ABOUT THE
PEANUT M&M IS THAT IF YOU SUCK

ON IT LONG ENOUGH, IT'S JUST A
PEANUT

AND IF YOU SUCK ON THAT LONG
ENOUGH, YOU CAN TASTE PURE

SHAME.
AND AT A CERTAIN POINT, THE

SHAME STARTS TO MORPH INTO
PRIDE.

AND YOU'RE THINKING, I SHOULD ‐‐
I SHOULD EAT A COUPLE HUNDRED

MORE OF THESE.
AND THEN YOU'RE, LIKE, I SHOULD

RUN A MARATHON
THEN YOU DON'T

AND THEN YOU END UP WITH TYPE II
DIABETES

[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Seth: SEE, YOU'RE FINDING A

WAY INTO ALL THIS STUFF.
>> THAT'S A TRIVIAL ‐‐ THAT'S ON

THE MORE TRIVIAL END OF THE JOKE
SPECTRUM

>> Seth: YES
BUT THERE IS STILL A PLACE FOR

THAT AS WELL
HEY, MIKE, I WILL DO THAT

PODCAST.
I LOOK FORWARD TO IT

>> YES
>> Seth: IT'S ALWAYS GREAT

SEEING YOU
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR MAKING

TIME FOR US.
AND CONGRATS AGAIN ON THE BOOK,

"THE NEW ONE," EVERYBODY
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE

"LATE NIGHT.
♪

♪
>> Seth: AMERICA IS THREE MONTHS

INTO THE CORONAVIRUS PANDEMIC.
AND AT THIS POINT, WE'VE ALL

BEEN TOLD TO WASH OUR HANDS
ABOUT TWO MILLION TIMES.

BUT WHAT'S THE RIGHT WAY TO DO

IT
HERE TO TELL US, IS ONE OF OUR
WRITERS, JENNY HAGEL

>> HEY, SETH
>> Seth: HEY, JENNY.

SO WHAT IS THE RIGHT WAY TO WASH
YOUR HANDS

>> GREAT QUESTION.
TO MAKE SURE YOUR HANDS ARE GERM

FREE, WASH THEM FOR 20 SECONDS
MAKE SURE YOU WASH THE TOPS OF

YOUR HANDS, TO YOUR PALMS, YOUR
THUMBS, AND THE TIPS OF YOUR

FINGERS.
IF YOU DO THAT 12 TO 24 TIMES A

DAY, YOUR HANDS WILL BE IN GREAT
SHAPE.

>> Seth: OH MY GOD
JENNY.

>> WHAT?
IS SOMETHING WRONG

>> Seth: JENNY, YOUR HANDS
THEY DON'T LOOK SO GOOD.

>> OH.
DO THEY LOOK A LITTLE DRY?

>> Seth: YES
>> THAT'S FROM ALL THE HAND

WASHING.
BUT, THERE'S AN EASY WAY TO

SOLVE THAT
EVERY TIME YOU WASH YOUR HANDS,

BE SURE TO MOISTURIZE WITH
LOTION

APPLY A GENEROUS AMOUNT, AND
THEN JUST RUB IT IN THOROUGHLY

AND IF YOU DO THAT, YOUR HANDS
WILL BE SILKY SMOOTH

>> Seth: JENNY, ARE YOUR HANDS
OKAY

>> THEY SURE ARE
BY WASHING MY HANDS REGULARLY, I

CAN BE SURE OF THREE THINGS.
ONE, I'M KEEPING MYSELF SAFE

TWO, I'M KEEPING OTHERS SAFE
AND THREE, I'M GETTING IN A

HABIT OF GOOD HYGIENE.
IT'S LIKE THE CDC SAYS, OH, I

NEED MY READING GLASSES.
EXCUSE ME.

THERE WE GO.
"WHEN YOU WASH YOUR HANDS, YOU

PROTECT YOUR COMMUNITY."
WELL, SETH, YOU KNOW WHO HAS TWO

THUMBS AND LOVES HER COMMUNITY
THIS GAL

>> Seth: JENNY, I'M LOOKING
CLOSER AT YOUR HANDS AND I CAN'T

HELP BUT NOTICE ‐‐
>> I KNOW.

IT'S HARD NOT TO NOTICE.
>> Seth: I MEAN, I DON'T WANT TO

BE FORWARD, BUT ‐‐
>> YOU CAN SAY IT.

>> Seth: CAN I SAY IT?
>> I'LL SAY IT

I GOT ENGAGED!
LOOK AT MY RING!

>> Seth: I MEAN,
CONGRATULATIONS, BUT THAT'S NOT

WHAT I WAS GONNA SAY
>> MY FIANCE AND I ARE SO HAPPY.

>> Seth: OH, SHE WASHES HER
HANDS TOO.

>> SETH, EVEN IN THESE DARK
TIMES, THERE CAN STILL BE A

LITTLE JOY
IF WE JUST THINK TO OURSELVES,

"WHAT'S SOMETHING I CAN DO TO
HELP THE WORLD?"

IF THERE'S SOME SMALL THING THAT
I CAN DO, ME, TO HELP EVERYONE

AND THE ANSWER IS, WASH YOUR
HANDS.

IF YOU'RE DOING THAT, LET ME
TELL YOU, YOU DESERVE A HIGH

FIVE
OH NO, MY RING

>> Seth: JENNY HAGEL, EVERYBODY.
>> BYE

♪
>> Seth: OUR NEXT GUEST IS A

VERY TALENTED ACTRESS YOU KNOW
FROM FILMS LIKE "GIRLS TRIP,"

"SUPPORT THE GIRLS," AND "THE
HATE U GIVE.

SHE STARS IN "BLACK MONDAY,"
WHICH RETURNS JUNE 28th ON

SHOWTIME

PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO THE SHOW
THE ALWAYS DELIGHTFUL
REGINA HALL.

>> Seth: HI, REGINA.
HOW ARE YOU?

>> I'M GOOD.
I WAS GOING TO SAY GREAT, BUT I

WAS, LIKE, THAT DIDN'T FEEL 100%
TRUE

BUT I'M GOOD
HOW ARE YOU?

>> Seth: I SHOULD SAY I'M AS
GREAT AS I CAN BE TO BE TALKING

TO YOU
LET'S PUT IT LIKE THAT

>> THANKS.
THAT'S NICE.

>> Seth: SO, THIS IS ‐‐ YOU ARE
AT THIS MOMENT SORT OF A

HISTORICAL FOOTNOTE ON THE SHOW.
YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE ON THE

NIGHT THAT IT WAS A THURSDAY IN
MARCH WE DECIDED AT AROUND 2:00

IN THE AFTERNOON TO CALL
THINGS ‐‐ THE WHOLE THING OFF.

BUT YOU WERE COMING INTO THE
STUDIO

>> I WAS DRESSED
I HAD PICKED OUT THE MOST

BEAUTIFUL DRESS FOR YOU.
VERY EXCITED TO WEAR IT.

BUT, YES, YEAH, IT DID, IT SHUT
DOWN

IT WAS ‐‐ I CAME HOME.
I WAS IN NEW YORK WORKING, AND I

CAME HOME RIGHT BEFORE
I THINK YOU GUYS SHUT DOWN RIGHT

BEFORE IT GOT CRAZY.
YES.

>> Seth: THE CRAZY THING AS WELL
IS THAT YOU WERE COMING ON TO

PROMOTE "BLACK MONDAY," WHICH IS
ABOUT THE STOCK MARKET CRASH

AND THEN THAT DAY WAS THE
BIGGEST STOCK MARKET DROP SINCE

BLACK MONDAY, WHICH WAS, I MEAN,
VERY UNFORTUNATE, BUT ALSO

ACCURATE TIE INTO YOUR SHOW.
>> YEAH.

WE WERE, YOU KNOW, KIND OF
EXCITED, YOU KNOW, IN A TWISTED

WAY.
WE WERE, LIKE, "OH, LOOK, THIS

COULD BE ‐‐ THIS IS SO SAD
BUT THIS COULD BE GREAT.

BECAUSE IT WAS REALLY ODD TO
HAVE HISTORY REPEATING ITSELF IN

THAT WAY
>> Seth: AND ALSO TO CREDIT THE

SHOW, IT'S NOT JUST ABOUT THE
STOCK MARKET

IT IS A VERY DARK COMEDY THAT
TALKS ABOUT THINGS LIKE RACE AS

WELL
SO EVEN THOUGH IT TAKES PLACE IN

1987, YOU HAVE MADE A VERY
TIMELY SHOW.

>> I KNOW.
IT'S SCARY BECAUSE YOU ASK

YOURSELF, WOW, YOU SEE A LOT OF
AREAS WHERE THINGS REALLY STILL

NEED TO PROGRESS, WHERE THERE IS
LIKE PROGRESSION OPPORTUNITY

AND, YOU KNOW, IT'S FUN FOR US
BECAUSE WE ARE POKING FUN AT A

LOT OF THINGS HISTORICALLY
BUT ALSO THE FACT THAT IT'S

TIMELY ALSO ADDS TO IT
SO, YEAH, IT'S BEEN ‐‐ IT'S A

FUN SHOW TO SHOOT.
I DO HAVE TO SAY THAT.

>> Seth: I MEAN, TALKING ABOUT
WORK FEELS VERY CURRENT AND OF

THE MOMENT
YOU ALSO DID A FILM A COUPLE

YEARS AGO CALLED "THE HATE U
GIVE."

THIS IS A MOVIE THAT IS
INCREDIBLY WELL REVIEWED

AND BECAUSE IT IS ABOUT A POLICE
OFFICER SHOOTING, IT DOES SEEM

LIKE A MOVIE THAT A LOT OF
PEOPLE ARE DISCOVERING NOW

HAVE YOU FOUND THAT TO BE THE
CASE AS WELL

>> I DO.
I MEAN, I THINK EVERYTHING

THAT'S GOING ON IN THE WORLD,
YOU KNOW, AND NOT JUST IN THE

UNITED STATES, BUT IN THE WORLD
GLOBALLY, I THINK THE FACT THAT

PEOPLE HAVE HAD TO PUT THEIR
NORMAL ACTIVITIES ON PAUSE HAS

REALLY GIVEN THEM THE ROOM TO
TAKE NOTICE OF THINGS THAT HAD

BEEN GOING ON.
AND SO I THINK WHEN WE CAME OUT,

YOU KNOW, THERE WERE A LOT OF
MOVIES AND A LOT OF THINGS AND

PEOPLE WERE BUSY AND GOING TO
WORK AND MAYBE, LIKE, "I WANT TO

WATCH SOMETHING HAPPY.
YOU KNOW, AND I THINK NOW PEOPLE

ARE REALLY IN THE PROCESS OF
WANTING CHANGE AND EVOLUTION

AND SO NOW THEY'RE DISCOVERING
IT, AND IT'S RESONATING WITH

THEM IN A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT
WAY THAN I THINK IT DID TWO

YEARS AGO WHEN THEY JUST DIDN'T
SEE IT

>> Seth: IT'S REALLY SPECIAL TO
MAKE A WORK WITH INTEGRITY

BECAUSE THAT, OF COURSE, AGES
WELL

AND THEN WHEN PEOPLE NEED
SOMETHING TO GO TO, TO HELP THEM

WORK THROUGH THESE MOMENTS, IT'S
NICE THAT IT'S THERE FOR THEM.

>> YEAH.
AND I THINK A LOT OF PEOPLE

THOUGHT THE FILM WAS GOING TO BE
HOPELESS

BUT IT'S ACTUALLY ‐‐ IT'S ALSO A
VERY ‐‐ IN IT'S OWN WEIRD WAY,

IT'S A COMING‐OF‐AGE STORY
AND SO I THINK OUR YOUTH, WHICH,

YOU KNOW, AND THEY'RE DOING SO
MUCH IN THE WORLD RIGHT NOW.

I MEAN, YOU'RE WATCHING THEM
KIND OF GALVANIZE, AND I THINK

FOR THEM TO SEE THE MOVIE, IT'S
A VERY EMPOWERING MOVIE.

IT'S WHAT WE ALL CAN DO, BUT
IT'S WHAT THIS GIRL AND HER

GROUP OF FRIENDS, HOW THEY BAND
TOGETHER AND WHAT THEY DO, ALONG

WITH EVERYONE ELSE
SO I THINK IT TOUCHES A LOT OF

THINGS THAT ARE GOING ON TODAY
>> Seth: I KNOW YOU'RE VERY

CLOSE WITH HER MOTHER.
ARE YOU KEEPING IN GOOD TOUCH

WITH HER, EVEN THOUGH YOU'RE
OBVIOUSLY DISTANCED?

>> I SEE MY MOTHER'S CHIN AND
CEILING REGULARLY.

>> Seth: THAT'S SO NICE.
>> I GOT HER AN iPHONE SO WE CAN

FACETIME
>> Seth: OH, SO SHE'S LEARNING

THE FACETIME TECH DURING THE
PANDEMIC

>> WELL, WHEN I FIRST SENT IT TO
HER ‐‐ IT'S BEEN TOUGH

I FIRST SENT IT TO HER, AND I
GUESS SHE HAD KEPT HITTING THE

WRONG CODE AND SHE DISABLED THE
PHONE, WHICH I DIDN'T KNOW YOU

COULD EVEN DO.
>> Seth: RIGHT

>> LET ALONE TIME NUMBER SEVEN
SO SHE DISABLED THE PHONE AND

WAS NO LONGER ABLE TO USE IT
SO WE HAD ‐‐ MY BROTHER WAS,

LIKE, WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO
I WAS, LIKE, PUT YOUR MASK ON

AND TAKE IT TO A STORE
[ LAUGHTER ]

THAT DAY WE REMOVED SOME OF THE,
YOU KNOW, THINGS TO MAKE IT

SIMPLER.
WE SIMPLIFIED IT

AND SHE DOES FACETIME.
SHE HADN'T QUITE GRASPED, LIKE,

THE ‐‐
>> Seth: FRAMING

>> YEAH.
THERE IT IS!

THERE IT IS.
>> Seth: YEAH.

>> YEAH.
>> Seth: MY MOTHER CANNOT HOLD

IT ‐‐ SHE FRAMES VERY WELL
SHE COVERS THE MICROPHONE.

SO ‐
>> OH, YES

THE BACK OF MY MOTHER'S THUMB
AND NAIL QUITE A BIT

>> Seth: YEAH.
AND WHEN YOU TELL HER YOU CAN'T

HEAR HER, SHE'S IMMEDIATELY
FRUSTRATED AND TAKES IT LIKE THE

ERROR IS EITHER THE PHONE OR
YOURS BUT IT'S DEFINITELY NOT

HERS
SPEAKING OF FAMILIES, YOU

ACTUALLY ‐‐ YOU MET MY BROTHER
YOU WORKED WITH MY BROTHER WHEN

YOU DID A SERIES WITH OLD NAVY
ONCE

>> HE IS THE BEST.
I HAVE TO TELL YOU, LIKE ‐

AND YOU ALL LOOK ALIKE
SO HE'S REALLY ‐‐ HE'S SO GREAT.

I HAD SO MUCH FUN SHOOTING WITH
HIM.

AND HE'S GOT A LOT OF LIGHT.
>> Seth: YES, HE DOES.

>> HAS A LOT OF LIGHT.
>> Seth: HE'S GOT A LOT OF

LIGHT.
>> AND THEN I SAW HIM AGAIN AT A

CHARITY EVENT AND HE CAME TO
MY ‐‐ THE BOOTH WHERE I WAS,

LIKE, WORKING AT
HE'S GREAT

HE'S REALLY GREAT.
>> Seth: I ACTUALLY ‐‐ THIS

PANDEMIC IS LETTING MY HAIR SORT
OF GROW INTO HIS HAIR.

>> I LIKE IT
YES!

>> Seth: WE'RE GETTING A LOT
CLOSER

>> YOU LOOK MORE ALIKE
>> Seth: YES

THAT'S ONE OF THE NICE THINGS
ABOUT THIS

>> I HOPE HE'S NOT LIKE A SINGLE
WHITE BROTHER AND KIDNAP YOU

BECAUSE HE COULD TAKE OVER, AND
THEN WE WOULDN'T KNOW.

>> Seth: SINGLE WHITE BROTHER.
I THINK NOW IS THE TIME FOR A

SHOW CALLED "SINGLE WHITE
BROTHER.

[ LAUGHTER ]
I'M GOING TO JUST CALL AROUND

AND SAY LIKE, "DOES ANYBODY WANT
TO HEAR A PITCH FOR A SHOW

CALLED 'SINGLE WHITE BROTHER'?
NOT RIGHT NOW?

OKAY
NOT RIGHT NOW.

[ LAUGHTER ]
YOU HAVE ‐‐ AND I AM VERY

IMPRESSED, BECAUSE AND MAYBE YOU
CAN SELL THIS, THERE IS A WAY TO

STILL SOCIALLY DISTANCE AND BE
SOCIAL AND SEE YOUR FRIENDS.

YOU'RE TAKING IT VERY SERIOUSLY.
BUT HOW ARE YOU ‐‐ HOW ARE YOU

GOING ABOUT IT
>> WELL ‐‐

[ PHONE RINGING
THIS IS MY MOTHER.

SO SORRY
[ LAUGHTER ]

MOMMY, REMEMBER I TOLD YOU I
HAVE AN INTERVIEW?

I'M RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF IT.
LOVE YOU

THAT'S ANOTHER THING
SHE ‐‐ I CAN TELL HER, MOMMY, MY

SCHEDULE, AND THEN SHE JUST ‐‐
IT DOESN'T MATTER.

SHE DOESN'T KNOW ‐
>> Seth: NOW I DO WANT TO SAY,

DID YOU GET YOURSELF AN iPHONE
BECAUSE THAT WAS A PRETTY OLD ‐‐

WHAT YOU DID TELL ‐‐
I THINK THAT MIGHT BE THE

PROBLEM.
[ LAUGHTER ]

>> YOU KNOW, SO THERE'S NOT
GREAT RECEPTION.

SO I DO STILL HAVE ‐‐ BUT I DO
HAVE MY iPHONE, YES.

>> Seth: OKAY, GOOD.
>> I DO, I DO.

BUT, I KNOW, THAT WAS KIND OF ‐‐
THAT WAS, WAS ‐‐ THAT LOOKED

VERY MUCH LIKE "BLACK MONDAY."
BUT, NO, WE DO ‐‐ WE DO OUR

SOCIALLY DISTANT THINGS.
BUT IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD WE HAVE

A SOCIAL DISTANCE LITTLE BLOCK
PARTY.

>> Seth: THAT'S GREAT.
CHALK LINES?

>> CHALK LINES AND EVERYBODY
BRINGS THEIR OWN FOOD AND TABLE

AND CHAIRS
WE DO SHARE WINE

NOW WE BRING OUR OWN CUPS.
BUT IF YOU'RE HOLDING, YOU KNOW

YOU CAN POUR
>> Seth: YES, OF COURSE.

>> SO WE WANT TO ‐‐ WE DO LIKE
TO SHARE THE ALCOHOL BUT NOT TO

THE HEAD
>> Seth: WELL, THAT IS A ‐‐ I

THINK EVERYONE SHOULD TAKE THAT
AS AN INSPIRATION GOING INTO THE

WEEKEND.
IT IS POSSIBLE TO SEE YOUR

FRIENDS IF YOU TAKE IT
SERIOUSLY.

AND, REGINA, I HOPE THE NEXT
TIME'S IN PERSON, AND IT'S

ALWAYS A DELIGHT TO SEE YOU.
>> SUCH A DELIGHT.

TELL YOUR BROTHER I SAID "HI."
>> Seth: ALL RIGHT, DO THE SAME

TO YOUR MOM'S CHIN FOR ME.
[ LAUGHTER ]

>> TELL YOUR MOM I SAID "HI.
YOU MAY NOT BE ABLE TO HEAR HER

RESPONSE, BUT AT LEAST SHE CAN
SEE IT

>> Seth: YES
[ LAUGHTER ]

ALL RIGHT, BYE, REGINA
>> BYE, SETH

♪

♪

>> Seth: I WANT TO THANK MY
GUESTS MIKE BIRBIGLIA AND

REGINA HALL.
I WANT TO THANK FRED ARMISEN AND

THE 8G BAND.
STAY TUNED FOR LILLY SINGH

STAY SAFE.
WASH YOUR HANDS.

WE LOVE YOU.