Original subtitles

-Great news!

Chago's daughter Margarita is getting baptized,

and we're all invited!

-Oh, yeah! -That's so sweet!

-Oh, I love it! I got the perfect suit.

-Oh, that baby's so cute!

Her name is Alice, but they nicknamed her Margarita

because that's how she got made.

-Question -- has Chago picked a godfather,

and can I throw my nombre in the hat?

-Ugh... -Oh, my God.

-Are you Cuban? Are you family?

Are you Catholic? -I'm two out of three.

-You're none out of three!

-Estrellita and her family are coming in from Miami.

Which means Mirtha is coming, which means I have to spritz

the place with holy water because she is La Diabla.

-Oh, um -- -What's happening?

-Yep.

-This is just Febreze until I can get the real stuff.

-I thought you settled

the mantilla feud and you're all good now.

-No, Tia made a comment about

Abuelita's croquetas being dry and now it's back on.

-You know what will be dry?

Every eye at her funeral!

-Yeah, but your ridiculous vieja feud

isn't gonna be the problem this time.

-What is?

-Make America great again!

Make America great again! Make America great again!

-Oh, that's right.

-♪ This is it ♪

-♪ Oh, oh, oh, whoa ♪

-♪ One day at a time ♪

-Because they're like us, I always forget they're like that.

-Okay, as long as we stay away from politics, it'll be fine.

It's a baptism -- we don't have to talk during the service,

and afterwards, we'll gossip about how Chago and Valeria

got married seven months ago and Margarita is a miracle baby.

-What will we do after?

Because they are of course staying with us.

-What?!

No, Mami. I know they're family and --

-We don't send family to hotels like los Americanos frios.

-Good, so you get it.

-We have to make an exception this time.

The only way to keep the family together

is to keep the family apart.

-Well, if they cannot stay with you, they will stay with me.

Night night, Mirtha.

I hope the floor isn't as hard as your bistec empanizado.

-If I wanted to hear screeching from an old bag,

I'd play with this zipper!

-You know what I wish had a zipper?

Your mouth!

They have to stay. They are family.

-I'm with Abuelita.

I hope the Reyeses stay as long as they want.

I love Tio ATM.

-Tio ATM? -That's what I call Tio Juanito.

How great is it being Cuban?

-iEso, Papito!

[ Cha-ching! ]

-He gives me $20 every time I say something he likes.

-This is all a disaster.

-Just keep it light.

Talk about non-controversial stuff.

Like the weather.

-Gotta love this LA weather, huh?

-Thank you, "global warming."

-Maybe try sports?

-How dare that football guy

disrespect our troops by kneeling down peacefully?

-How about movies?

-If you have a penis, use the men's room!

-Why would that come up? -It always comes up!

-I still think the Reyeses should stay with us.

-What? You of all people should be against it,

you disagree with them about everything!

-True. I mean, when I came out to Tio, he said...

-You just haven't met the right boy yet, Elena.

-That's because they don't make them like you, Tio.

-iEso, Papito!

[ Cha-ching! ]

-But they're voters in Florida, a swing state,

so we can't let them leave till December.

[ Thunder crashes ]

-No. Politics and family do not mix,

and that's why I'm putting my foot down.

The Reyeses can't stay with us, iy ya!

[ Cell phone chimes ] -Too late.

They just landed, they're on their way here.

iY ya, y ya!

-Just landed? The baptism is next week!

-They are coming early to have a mini-vacation

and do all the things they can't do in Florida.

Go to the beach, visit Disneyland, see an orange grove.

-You are literally describing Florida!

This is terrible.

It's just going to be a week of fighting and yelling.

-Yeah, how is that different than any other week?

-Oh, my God. Can I please fix everything?

-Oh, boy. -What I love most about you guys

is how you talk about everything.

Every sigh, every slight exhale,

you're like, "What's going on there?

Family meeting, love, love, hugs, hugs."

-Why are you telling us things we already know?

-Because it's a huge mistake in this situation!

Let my wildly dysfunctional family be your guide.

Just don't talk to each other.

-That is impossible.

-Yeah, Mami sometimes FaceTimes me while I'm peeing.

-And that is only because I am cooking,

because otherwise I would just walk in.

-You gotta retrain yourselves. Father and I have spent weeks

without saying a word to each other.

He once left a Post-It note on my door that said,

"I'm not sure you're mine."

I saved it and look at it

whenever I think I might love him.

-And everybody should do that?

-Yes, because then you won't fight.

See, you keep the feelings inside,

where the only person they can harm is yourself.

-Hmm...

[ High-pitched whistling ]

[ Groaning ]

♪♪

-Those explosions remind me we need a strong military.

-Eso, Papito.

[ Cha-ching! ]

-Yeah, keeping it inside doesn't work for Cubans.

We have to say everything, then keep saying it louder

until asked to leave the restaurant.

-No, you just gotta push it down deeper

so you die of an ulcer instead of an explosion!

-Ha, yeah, no. Maybe you should go back to your apartment now,

since this is a family issue that doesn't include you.

[ High-pitched whistling ]

-[ Gulps ]

See? Totally works.

[ Groans ]

God, I hate my father.

[ Explosion ]

-Lupita, you're all worried about nothing.

Families have disagreements.

But that does not mean we cannot be polite.

-Polite? Ha!

What's that look like?

♪♪

-I say, I'm quite nervous that you and your liberal ilk

are going to confiscate my musket.

-Balderdash and poppycock!

Of course you'll retain your blunderbuss.

-Crumpet!

-I'm hearing rumblings from the colonies

about this Hamilton chap.

-Pip pip, my good Papito!

[ Cha-ching! ] -Mm!

[ Laughter ]

-What?

-I think you're confusing politeness with Britishness.

-And you think Tia Mirtha is going to be polite back?

-Hmm...

-Lydia, can I borrow your lipstick?

I want to see what the color looks like on full lips.

-She used the whole tube!

Is it my fault she has the bemba of a puffer fish?!

-So we're screwed. -No.

We will just have to settle this the old-fashioned way.

A talent contest!

♪♪

-♪ Everybody loves me ♪

♪ They tell me I'm so lovely ♪

♪ Compare my voice to that of the angels ♪

♪ There's no one like me, that's what they say ♪

Ugh!

-♪ I am the one who has all the talent ♪

♪ My beauty's epic, so hide your talons ♪

♪ Because this contest, I'm gonna slay ♪

-Huh! ♪ I understand why you get so jealous ♪

Oy! -♪ Why would that be? ♪

♪ I get all the fellas ♪ Aah!

-♪ I am gonna kick your ass! ♪ -♪ I am gonna kick your ass! ♪

♪♪

-Ladies and gentlemen, it is I, Gloria Estefan.

And the winner is...

Lydia!

-But -- Oy!

-She is the best dancer,

the best singer,

and I don't know what her moisturizing regime is,

but she looks like a baby, and her lips are the fullest!

-But, Gloria Estefan, people always say I remind them of you!

-Dream on, loser!

Our queen has spoken.

♪♪

[ Vocalizing ] ♪ Gloria Estefan! ♪

-What is even happening?!

-Why would Gloria Estefan be here?

-[ Speaks Spanish ] Because everyone knows

if a Cuban closes her eyes and swishes her hips three times,

she appears.

-Okay, Mami, you've lost your mind.

-Well, I had a little rum. This is very stressful.

[ Gulping ]

-Mom, face it. There's no avoiding politics,

so we may as well try to talk some sense into them.

-No! Our two families were fighting for so long,

and we just got back on track.

I don't want to mess that up.

So no politics. End of discussion.

-Okay, but they're going to talk about it.

And if we say nothing,

you better be okay with what's gonna happen.

-We won again! Four more years!

-And they've perfected the artificial heart,

so he will live forever and be president forever!

-If it ain't broke, don't fix it!

-iEso, Papito!

[ Slot machine bells dinging ]

-Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!

-Okay. If there has to be a fight,

then we're gonna win it.

-[ Gulping ]

iY ya!

-So, we're gonna argue politics, let's do this!

How do I do this?

Hey, cuz, you still like that comemierda you voted for?

Yeah? Well, either get your head out your ass

or get the hell out of my house!

-See you at Christmas.

-Love the attitude.

But you need some ammo to back it up.

-Right, I got to hit her with facts.

Give me some facts.

-Hillary got 3 million more votes!

-Hillary runs a pedophile ring out of a pizza parlor!

And the pizza isn't even good!

-The ice caps are melting and sea levels are rising.

-[ Scoffs ] First there's a drought,

now there's too much water?! Make up your mind!

-Even your guy had to admit that Obama was born in America.

-Mm, of course he was.

[ Ding! ]

-Oh, sorry, I forgot to tell you --

facts don't matter anymore.

-What? -Yeah, they had a good run.

But it turns out people want to believe what they believe

more than they want to believe what is actually true.

-Is that true? -Does it matter?

-Que barbaridad. [ Gulps ]

-Unfortunately, what you have to do now to win is go negative.

-What happened to, "When they go low, we go high?"

-Yeah, that went out the window with facts.

So, what dirt do you have on Estrellita?

-Hmm...

Hey, Estrellita, remind me --

was it '96 or '97 when you had that pregnancy scare?

-[ Gasps ] -[ Gasps ]

-[ Chuckles ]

-You didn't hate Planned Parenthood back then, did you?

-At least I wasn't on a first-name basis

with the nurse who gave out the free condoms!

-[ Gasps ] -[ Gasps ]

-[ Squeals, chuckles ]

-How about that summer you taught me

all about mouth stuff using a cucumber?

-Nope! Bad plan. We gotta stay above the fray.

We are a classy family and we're gonna stay classy, damn it.

-[ Gulping ] Ahh!

-Ugh. -You know, we just had

an assembly at school about conflict resolution.

These two kids were filming a fake fight

for TikTok and then it turned real.

-Oh, yeah. They sent an e-mail home about it

that I skimmed and deleted. Go on.

-Okay, it's got three steps.

First, you ask a non-threatening question.

Then, you listen to the person's response.

Then, you find common ground.

Ask, Listen, Find --

"ALF"!

-I hate ALF. Just another illegal alien in our country.

[ Siren wailing ]

-Okay, tell me how it works, but don't call it "ALF."

-Okay, we need an issue to use as an example.

-Let's start with the thing I know best.

-'90s boy bands?

-All the places to get something free on your birthday?

-How to not wear lipstick but still succeed?

-Dang, I'm good at a lot of things.

But I was talking about health care.

-Okay, so "Ask" a neutral question.

-So, obviously, everyone should have health care, right?

-Okay, MSNBC.

-Wow, Mom! -What was wrong with that?

-You jumped down her throat.

You totally assumed she would care about other people.

-Right, right. Good, this is good, keep going.

-It's got to be a completely uncontroversial question.

-Being healthy is good, right?

-Oh, yes. If you don't have your health, what do you have?

Of course, if we had socialized medicine, then we'd all be dead.

Did you know that, in Canada, a lady had to wait eight years

for a liver transplant, and then instead,

they gave her a breast implant?

I saw it on Facebook.

-I bet her husband loved it.

Where is the lie?

-And I respond to the crazy how?

-You "Find" common ground.

-Okay.

We...are both on Facebook.

-Good! Keep going!

Find more common ground.

-And, uh, you're upset about unnecessary medical procedures.

-Exactly. -Great!

So we both want to live in a world where we prioritize

good health care that doesn't cost too much.

Agreed? -Agreed.

Speaking of health care, I'm gonna forward you a meme

about how Obamacare paid for a caravan of illegals

to get free nose jobs.

It's a big problem.

-Ugh...

Well, what do I do now?

-Agree to disagree.

-Agree to disagree?! So she gets to say

all of her nonsense and I just have to be nice about it?

-Yeah. Because it takes years.

My teacher says this is what they use in the Middle East.

-I don't have years!

There's Cubans in an Uber right now!

We still have no plan! [ Sighs ]

This is so much harder than I thought.

-Changing peoples' minds about politics is hard.

How did you think it was going to go?

-And that's why I believe what I believe.

[ Clapping ]

-Thank you for opening our eyes with that beautiful speech.

-Eso, Lupita. America.

-I can't believe we ever voted for that person!

-What fools we've been!

And Boys II Men is better than NSYNC.

And I was always jealous of your curly hair.

-It could happen. Right?

-Aw, Mom. [ Chuckles ]

No. It's not going to go anything like that.

-Well, then, it's going to go like this.

-I'm gonna drain your swamp.

-Bring it, snowflake!

[ Grunting ]

-Stop fighting!

Here, have some of my arroz con pollo.

-More like arroz con caca!

[ Grunting ]

-[ Grunts ]

-But her e-mails...

-Uh... -Uh...

-Huh? -Uh...

-Oh, we're screwed.

[ Knocking on door ]

-Oh, it's been so long, let me get a good look at you!

-Well, you can't do that!

-She is right.

Fire will only make Mirtha stronger.

-I've got it! Let's move!

I'll have the whole building air-lifted

and we'll start a new life in Vancouver!

You guys will be so cool as the only Latinos there.

Hi-ya! -You mean y ya?

-What'd I say? -Okay, okay!

They can stay in a hotel!

-Mami, that's very big of you, but it's too late.

-Good, because I already changed my mind again in shame.

-I, for one, am glad. This is important.

Mom, if we want things to change,

then isn't it on us to talk to the people that we love?

Even if it's hard?

-I know, baby, but we're just so far apart on this stuff.

I just can't imagine what they're gonna say.

-I think I might be able to piece it together.

If we're being generous, the things they care about

are actually...the same things we care about.

I read this thing, and it's like...

-Let's say I'm trying to get to San Diego.

There's a train going to New York

and a train going to Phoenix.

Neither one's ideal, so I pick the one

that gets me closer to where I want to go.

That's how I feel about this president.

Whatever else happens, he's going to appoint

Supreme Court justices who are going to finally protect

the lives of unborn babies.

Is this guy perfect? No.

Do I want him to come over to our house for dinner?

God, no. But be honest --

politicians are all terrible in some way,

so you have to find the ones who will do what you want.

And come on, you're telling me your guy is your first choice?

Everything you ever dreamed of?

I don't think so.

Look, our parents sacrificed so much for us to be Americans.

So when I hear about free college and free health care,

my shield goes up because that's what Castro promised.

We all know how that turned out.

And I don't care about the president's personal life.

I care about what he's gonna do so I can keep my personal life.

The world is a scary place,

and there's hard decisions to be made,

and we don't like to think about that,

but it can't always be about your feelings

and wanting to be nice to everybody.

That's why, as much as it hurts my Christian heart,

we can't just say, "Everybody come in."

That's why we need a tough guy.

He may be a bully, but he's our bully.

And he won, so get over it.

It's not my fault that he was opening cans of whoopass

while all your candidates majored in gender studies.

The world may be crazy right now, but you and I are safe.

Because he's keeping us safe.

-And what's what's important to me.

-Dang, you're good.

Like, I was actually nodding during some of that.

-I know, I kind of scared myself.

-So, Mom, if she says that, what are you going to say back?

-Well...

Wow.

I am so stunned that we are looking at the world

and seeing such different things.

You think he keeps you safe?

He mishandles every crisis that comes his way.

Look at Puerto Rico.

A hurricane, earthquakes, the whole island without power.

And that guy comes and he throws a bunch of paper towels,

and then he's like, "Bye!"

Now imagine something happening on a global scale.

Something so huge, it completely shuts everything down,

and we're stuck waiting for someone to lead us

while we watch episodes of our favorite TV shows,

but now they have to be animated.

I know, it sounds crazy, but look into my eyes

and tell me that that's the guy who will get us through it.

Remember when we used to joke about this stuff?

"I'm a crazy liberal, you're a stuffy conservative, ha ha ha."

I miss that.

Us being on opposite sides isn't new.

But now it's different. This guy made it different.

People used to actually try to hide their racism.

But the president made it cool again!

We have to stand up for one another now more than ever.

That's why we need to say black lives matter,

trans lives matter, brown lives matter.

When he calls Mexicans drug dealers and rapists,

you think that doesn't affect you?

Do you think if your son was in that Walmart

where the guy said he was there to shoot all the Mexicans,

he would have stopped to ask if Flavio was Cuban

before pulling the trigger?

He wouldn't have cared.

Because the president told him immigrants are dangerous

and don't deserve to be here.

You want to keep us safe?

How about not deporting people who fought for this country.

who served with me, who risked their lives for you?

Crazy idea -- what if, when people came to this country,

we were like, "Oh, are you fleeing a horrible situation?

Please, come on in, it's all good!

Love your food, love your music.

Anyway, we're gonna give you a little help.

Oh, God, you're doing amazing!

You've actually made this place better!"

Oh, wait, that's not a crazy idea.

That was literally us when our family fled Cuba!

How quickly we forget!

America is great because we don't just fight for ourselves.

We fight for people we will never meet.

Just like when our parents came here.

Strangers organized their trips, arranged for them to be safe.

Strangers.

We can't benefit from the kindness of strangers

and then turn our backs on the ones

who need us to stand up for them.

Because that's what kept us safe.

And that's what's beautiful about this country.

That's what's in my heart.

-Oh, Mom.

You are ready.

-iEso, Mami! -Thanks.

I still wish there was a way we didn't have to talk about this.

But now I know I can.

[ Knocking on door ]

-Who is that? Are we expecting someone?

Oh, that's right.

I have had a little rum.

-Okay, we can do this.

I know they're nuts, but they're family, and we love them.

-Okay, we can do this.

I know they're crazy liberals,

but they are family, and we love them.

-Hi! -Nice to see you, guys!

-iHola!

[ All greeting each other ]

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