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What's the matter?

He's dead.

Wait a minute. Let's hear this.

Why, his heart is fine. Just give him a little air.

Step back, everybody. He's not dead.

Why, he's fine.

Come on now, get up. You're all right.

What's that?

What's that?

Hey, you got the wrong man.

Hey, I'm the guy that Rolls-Royce hit.

Yeah, that's what you think.

Good morning.

Good morning.

Whom do you wish to see?

I'd like to see Dr. Cookingham.

Have you an appointment?

Well, no, I haven't, but when I--

Well, I'll try to get him to see you without one.

In the meantime, just go right in that room.

Yeah, but you see, that isn't necessary.

Doctor, take this man in there and get his clothes off.

Yeah, but, one moment, please--

Now, listen, if you want to see the doctor, you must do--

But you don't understand.

Go ahead, now. Do as I say.

- Have you got some iodine? - Yes.

Oh, everything happens to me.

First, it's my tooth and then it's my finger.

Well, now what's happened to your finger?

Oh, I cut my finger with some soup.

You cut yourself with soup?

Yeah, I was opening the can.

- Well, here's the iodine. - Oh, thank you.

By the way, how's that tooth behaving?

Oh, it's been bothering me, been aching all day long.

I'd have it taken out if I thought the dentist

could do it while I wait.

- Oh, you would? - Yes.

Well, Miss Allen, I didn't know you wore glasses.

Oh, didn't you?

Yes, I've been wearing them now for about three months.

But I can't see a bit better with them.

Well, there's no glass in them.

Oh, do you think that would help?

Oh, well maybe you're right.

I don't-- Oh, by the way, maybe you'd like to read these.

Well, thanks. They're just alike.

Yeah, well, you see, there was a poor man out of work

selling them down the street.

He only had three left, so I bought two.

Well, why didn't you buy three?

Well, then he would have been out of work again.

Emergency case?

I think the man is dead.

- I'm not dead. - The doctor knows best.

Oh, any other patients to see me?

Yes, doctor, there's one man to see you.

Come in.

Well, what's ailing you?

Oh, doctor, I come to find out if you

wanted to renew your subscription

to the Belmont Magazine.

The Belmont. That will be enough of--

All I can say is, if the man lives,

the operation is a failure.

All right, boys, take it, I'm all through with it.

What is this?

Fellows haven't eaten for weeks.

What kind of a-- Say, listen, doctor.

I want to ask you something.

Why did you operate on me?

Well, to find out if you needed an operation.

To find out if a man needs an operation, you operate?

Well, how do we know if a man needs an operation

if we don't operate?

But supposing a man doesn't need an operation?

Well then, we operate.

And we find out if he doesn't need an operation,

then we don't operate.

Listen.

Supposing a man doesn't need an operation,

and you operate, and the fellow dies.

- What happens? - Well then, we're wrong.

The minute a man dies, we know we've made a mistake.

Well, now, I feel better. I was worried there for a minute.

Yesterday, I operated on a man's mouth, and he didn't pay me.

He didn't pay you? Well, that's a fine thing.

That's all right.

Wait till he tries to eat.

Ooh.

Spanish dancer, the doctor.

Well, well, well. Wait till he tries to eat.

- Good morning, boys. - Good morning, nurse.

- Oh, a new patient. - Yes, a new patient.

What's that? You like that?

- No, it's vanilla. - Vanilla.

I'll have it fixed that you get strawberry.

Are you the patient who was killed?

- Am I the patient who was killed? - Yes, I'm the patient that was killed.

- You certainly don't look bad. - Well, how can I look bad?

Just before I was killed, I was playing golf.

Aw, do you know, I wish I could go out and play golf.

I don't like it here.

Everybody's so serious.

- Serious? - Yeah.

- How long have you been working here? - Oh, this is my first week.

I've had five patients, and they've all died.

And you're my last chance.

The doctor said that if you die, I'm fired.

Gee, I'd like to play golf.

- Golf. - Yeah.

Oh, well, you and I are going to get along fine this week.

- I don't think you'll last the week. - Thanks very much.

Here, take that pill.

Say, Dizzy, did the doctor tell you to give me those pills?

How did you know they call me Dizzy?

- I guessed it. - Well, then, guess about the pills.

Guess about the pills.

- You can't fool me about pills. - Why?

I've got an uncle in George Clarke's hospital.

He's been there for 15 years.

- Is he still there? - Oh, yes. He's in a bottle.

Oh.

- You know, you see these pills? - Yeah.

I took one once, and I had to be operated on.

What's the matter? Appendicitis?

I don't know.

They gave me so much ether I became unconscious,

and I couldn't see what they were doing.

To get you unconscious they had to give you ether?

Yeah, they gave me a double dose.

Well, maybe that's the trouble with it.

Yeah.

And now they have to give me chloroform up to keep me awake.

Chloroform to keep you awake?

I bet outside of that, you fell, too.

I did, I fell twice once.

Once I fell on my head, and once I fell here.

- You fell twice once? - Yeah.

Once on your head and once here?

- What else happened to you? - And once a dog bit me.

The dog died.

- The dog died? - And the dog bit you.

Well, that's too bad.

My brother did all he could for us, but the dog died.

He did all he could for you, but the dog died?

Yeah.

What's your brother do?

My brother's a doctor right in this hospital.

- Is that so? - Um hm.

He's not here though, now.

- He's out hunting. - Hunting.

Yeah, he went out yesterday. He took four dogs with him.

And he went out yesterday, and he came back.

He bought four more dogs today--

- Just a minute. - And he went out--

Wait a minute What did he do with the four dogs he took yesterday?

Oh, he shot those already.

Oh, he buys dogs and shoots them, huh?

Yeah. You ought to go out hunting.

I think it would be good for your nerves.

That's funny. I'm comfortable now.

All right.

There's nothing the matter with my nerves.

Say, if I was as nervous as you, I'd shoot myself.

If you were as nervous as me, you couldn't even hit yourself.

Say, by the way, are you the nurse I kissed

before I went under the ether?

Oh, no. That was my girlfriend.

She's sick today.

- She's sick today? - Yeah.

I'm not so well myself today.

You know, she had a funny case last week.

Could I have a little water, please?

Thanks.

She had a funny case, your friend?

Yeah.

A woman had triplets on Monday, and on Tuesday she had twins.

- The same woman? - Yeah.

One of the triplets died.

- One of the triplets died. - Yeah.

Why don't you go to a mind reader.

I'll bet they'd charge you half price.

One of the triplets died.

I don't feel so good.

- You're beginning to look very bad. - I don't feel good.

- Well, have you been eating good food? - Oh, yes, I've been eating good food.

Then maybe that's the trouble with you.

Maybe that's the trouble with me?

Yeah.

I see.

I'll find out soon enough.

I had some x-rays taken yesterday.

Oh, who do you suspect?

- Who do I suspect? - Yeah.

X-rays. X-ray pictures taken.

If they come out all right, I'll give you one.

Oh, goody, goody.

Why didn't you wait, though? We could have made it a group.

Made it a group?

What's the name of the doctor that's here?

Oh, Cookingham.

Well, why don't you and Cookingham go away?

I mean, go home and leave me alone.

Oh, did Dr. Cookingham operate on you?

Yes, and don't tell me he's good.

Oh, he's a very good doctor.

One of our patients had trouble with his breathing,

and he not only found the trouble, but he stopped his breathing.

- He stopped the breathing. - Yeah.

And that's what he's trying to do to me.

Let me tell you something.

If I live, it's going to be a surprise to him.

And, you know, yesterday, a woman had a little baby.

And Dr. Cookingham operated, and the baby died,

and the mother died.

That's too bad.

Yeah, but he saved the father.

- He saved the father? - Then he's not a bad doctor.

I was wrong about him.

Is that your suit hanging up there?

My suit? Where?

- Right there. - That suit?

Um hm.

Yeah, that's my suit.

My brother has one just like it.

It's exactly the same as that.

Of course, it isn't blue like that.

It's a sort of a grayish brown, more on the white--

- Same thing. - Exactly the--

- Yeah, same suit. -- same thing.

Of course, it isn't single breasted like that.

It's double breasted.

- Same thing. - It's the same thing.

It doesn't happen to be a tuxedo?

No, no.

It's a topcoat with a bow on the side.

I wonder if I could be having fever.

A topcoat with a bow on the side?

Yeah, my sister wore it to a dance last night.

Your sister wore your brother's suit?

Yeah. Well, I haven't got a brother.

What do-- you just told me that you had a brother.

Oh, no. That's my sister's brother.

Oh, your sister's got a brother, but you haven't got a brother.

Yeah.

You see, it's a long story.

If you draw up your chair, I'll tell you about it.

Draw up my chair?

You see, my sister and I are twins.

Yes.

And when we were born, we were very, very young.

Say, that's surprising.

Well, my sister was left an orphan,

and she didn't know what to do with it.

So she gave it to my mother and that's me.

- Who? You're the orphan? - No, the mother.

You're the mother. Then your sister's the orphan.

No.

Well, you just said you were twins.

Well, you see, the only difference between my sister

and me is, I was born in Septober,

and she was born in Octember.

Now, wait just a minute.

That's a little-- she was born in Septober,

and you were born in Octember.

Yes.

Ask me when I was born.

- When were you born? - I was born the fifth of Remember.

Oh, that's just a month after my brother was born.

Look. Go-- go away.

I mean, I've got all kinds of troubles.

- Leave me alone. - Well--

A month after your brother was born.

- You're really twins, huh? - Oh, sure.

Nobody can tell us apart.

Whenever they see my sister, they think it's me,

and whenever they see me, they think it's my sister.

It's positively uncanny.

The only difference between my sister and me

is that we both have brains except my sister.

You both have brains except your sister?

Yes.

But nobody can tell us apart.

- It's absolutely uncanny. - Oh, there you are.

Are you ready for lunch, Gracie?

- Oh, sure. - Just a minute.

Are you going to tell me that this is your twin sister?

You're not the only one.

- Nobody can tell us apart. - Come on.

I'm going to have five cream puffs. I'm starved.

Ooh, that's good for your diet.

What Is that?

So Doc Cookingham operated on you, too, did he?

Ha!

What a butcher he is.

He operated on me, and left a rubber glove in my neck.

- A rubber glove in your neck? - Yeah. That's nothing.

He left a pair of scissors in my ear.

Did anybody see my umbrella?

Umbrella!

Ugh!