Original subtitles

[ SNORING ]

[ COMPUTER DINGS ]

[ COMPUTER DINGS ]

[ COMPUTER DINGS ] AW, GEEZ.

WEBSITE LOOKS LIKE SHIT.

WHAT THE HELL? Man: HERE WE GO.

ONE TIME.

UNH. YEAH.

♪ LOOKIN' FOR A DEAL THAT'S OFF THE HOOK? ♪

♪ THEN YOU GOTTA STAY AWAY FROM THOSE OTHER CROOKS ♪

♪ WHAT? COME TO THE GUYS WITH "CAR" IN THEIR NAMES ♪

♪ SCARPULLA, BOYEEEE, THESE CATS GOT GAME ♪

♪ DON'T WASTE TIME WITH MISSED FREE THOREAUS ♪

BOOM.

SON OF A BITCH! ♪ COME ON DOWN

TO THE MAN WHO KNOWS ♪

♪ WHEN I GROW UP TO BE A MAN ♪

♪ WILL I DIG THE SAME THINGS THAT TURN ME ON AS A KID? ♪

♪ WILL I LOOK BACK AND SAY ♪

♪ THAT I WISH I HADN'T DONE WHAT I DID? ♪

♪ WILL I JOKE AROUND ♪

♪ WILL I STILL JOKE AROUND ♪

♪ AND STILL DIG THOSE SOUNDS ♪

♪ AND STILL DIG THOSE SOUNDS ♪

♪ WHEN I GROW UP TO BE A MAN? ♪

♪ SCARPULLA, BOYEEEE! ♪

♪ GOTTA ROLL, GOTTA ROLL, ROLL ♪

♪ COME ON, COME ON ♪ OH, WHATEVER.

BOO! BOO!

BOO!

LOOK, I DON'T KNOW HOW THEY SNUCK THAT SHIT ON OUR WEBSITE,

BUT WE GOT TO GET SERIOUS.

THAT THING IS EVERYWHERE, O.

"SCARPULLA, BOYEEEE!"

OH! [ BEATBOXING ]

PLEASE, DON'T. SORRY.

SCARPULLA IS NOT CONTENT TO JUST COEXIST IN PEACE.

HE'S TRYING TO SWOOP IN IN OUR MOMENT OF WEAKNESS

AND TAKE EVERYTHING.

ARE WE WEAK? I THOUGHT WE WERE DOING ALL RIGHT.

[ SCOFFS ] WE'RE DOING GREAT.

BUT, HEY, THE BEST DEFENSE IS A GOOD OFFENSE.

SO, FIRST OFF, NEW PROMOTIONS.

WE'RE GIVING OUT FREE CAR WASHES ALL MONTH LONG.

RIGHT? GET A NICE BIG LINE GOING.

YOU GUYS ARE GONNA HAVE A BUNCH OF FACE TIME WITH POTENTIAL UPS.

AND WE'RE ALSO DOING A NEW COMMERCIAL.

YOU CAN'T BE IN IT. NOTHING PERSONAL, LAWRENCE.

WE JUST ALREADY HAVE A HOMEGROWN STAR.

[ APPLAUSE ] AW, NO, NO, NO.

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT A MINUTE, O.

YOU DIDN'T THINK I WAS GONNA LET ALL THAT TALENT

GO TO WASTE, DID YOU?

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE NEW FACE OF THOREAU CHEVROLET!

HOLLYWOOD!

ARRIBA! ARRIBA!

[ CELLPHONE RINGS ]

HEY, BILL, WHAT'S UP?

'CAUSE, YOU KNOW, I'M STILL NOT DOING THE BOOKIE THING.

[ LAUGHS ] DUDE, CALM DOWN.

I still owe you $500. I'm trying to be a good guy.

I'M JUST GONNA SWING BY.

NO. BY THE STORE? NO, NO. YOU DON'T GOT TO DO THAT.

UM... ACTUALLY, YOU KNOW WHAT?

AS FAR AS THE MONEY, MERRY CHRISTMAS.

Really?

Yeah, yeah, why not?

I could let it ride. Cubbies have been covering.

NO. NO, NO, NO, NO.

YOU JUST, UH... START AN I.R.A. OR SOMETHING.

Geez, thanks, Joe.

YOU KNOW, BETWEEN MANFRO GETTING CANCER

AND YOU GOING ALL BOY SCOUT ON ME,

I GOT A WHOLE BAGFUL OF MONEY I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH.

I'M SURE YOU'RE GONNA FIGURE SOMETHING OUT, RIGHT?

ALL RIGHT, I'LL SEE YA. NICE KNOWIN' YA.

WHOA, MR. T, DID YOU GET DEMOTED?

MM-HMM! NEW UNIS, GUYS.

GOT THE LOGO ON THE FRONT. YOU SEE THAT?

[ LAUGHS ]

YEAH, COOL. THANKS, MR. T.

IT'S ALL RIGHT. THERE'S NO MUSIC.

COME ON, WHAT'S UP WITH THAT?

OH. COME ON, GUYS.

WE'RE SLIPPING HERE.

I KNOW YOU HATE MY MUSIC, BUT, UH...

[ RECORD NEEDLE SCRATCHING ]

[ HAND BANGS ]

COME ON.

[ SCRATCHING STOPS ]

YEAH, THAT'S BROKE.

WELL, FOR HOW LONG?

COME ON, DIDN'T ANYBODY THINK TO MAYBE TELL ME?

DIDN'T WANT TO BUG YOU, MR. T.

YOU HAVEN'T BEEN HERE THAT MUCH, AND DaSHAUN AND ME

ARE TRYING TO BE MANAGERS LIKE YOU ASKED.

BUT THERE'S A LOT TO DO.

OKAY, YEAH, I GET IT. I GET IT.

I'M JUST -- I'M NOT MAD AT YOU GUYS.

I'M NOT. BUT HERE'S THE THING.

I'M ACTUALLY GONNA BE AROUND MORE.

WHAT ABOUT THE SENIOR TOUR?

STORE COMES FIRST. IT'S GOTTA, RIGHT?

BUT FIRST WE GOT TO SHAPE THIS PLACE UP.

WE GOT TO FIX THIS DAMN THING.

AND ALL THIS, TOO. IT'S KIND OF SAD, RIGHT?

YOU KNOW WHAT? WE SHOULD PAINT.

THAT'S WHAT WE'LL DO.

I'M GONNA CLOSE THE STORE UP TOMORROW,

WE'LL ALL PITCH IN, WE'LL GET IT DONE FAST.

ALL RIGHT? I'LL BUY PIZZA.

YOU GUYS START PUTTING ALL THAT TOGETHER, OKAY?

I THINK I GOT SOME TARPS IN THE BACK. LET ME LOOK.

HEY, BOSS. HEY, SORRY ABOUT SPRINGING

THE COMMERCIAL ON YOU THAT WAY.

I JUST GOT ALL EXCITED.

YEAH, YOU KNOW, IT'S EXCITING.

IT'S VERY, UH --

COME ON, MAN. YOU GOT TO DO IT.

I REALLY DON'T WANT TO. OKAY, I KNOW.

I CAN'T DO ANOTHER BAD COMMERCIAL, O, ALL RIGHT?

THE GUYS ARE STILL MAKING FUN OF ME

FOR THOSE SPOTS ON THE INTERNET.

OKAY, LOOK, LOOK, UPS COME IN --

THEY WANT TO TALK TO THE TV GUY.

IF YOU'RE THE TV GUY, YOU'RE GONNA DOUBLE YOUR SALES.

DOUBLE THEM -- THAT'S A FACT.

NOW, MY DAD USED TO BE THE GUY.

BUT WE NEED TO FRESHEN THINGS UP.

AND I FEEL LIKE YOU'RE THE SECRET WEAPON.

SCARPULLA LOOKS LIKE A SHYSTER IN HIS COMMERCIALS.

BUT IF WE BUST OUT WITH A PROFESSIONAL ACTOR,

ALL-AMERICAN, GOOD-LOOKING, HUH?!

O...O...

COME ON, MAN. DUDE, I'M TELLING YOU.

YOU'RE THE KEY TO KICKING HIS ASS.

ALL RIGHT. YES!

YES. THE NEW FACE OF THE COMPANY.

LOOK, I'M NOT GONNA HANG YOU OUT TO DRY.

I'M SPENDING MONEY I DON'T HAVE ON THIS THING.

AND I DON'T KNOW MUCH ABOUT SHOW BUSINESS,

BUT IT'S GONNA BE GOOD... CLASSY.

OKAY.

Classy.

HEY, CAN YOU DANCE?

I'M MESSING WITH YOU.

[ WHISTLES ]

[ SIGHS ]

WHAT'S UP? YOU ALL RIGHT?

YOU NEED AN EMERGENCY BAG OF LUCKY CHARMS?

I'M GOING ON FUMES. NO SLEEP AGAIN LAST NIGHT.

WORK STUFF OR JUST PEEING?

[ CHUCKLES ] WORK.

WOKE UP EVERY NIGHT THIS WEEK, 4:00 A.M.,

MILLION THOUGHTS RUNNING THROUGH MY HEAD.

OH, I GET THAT SHIT, TOO.

IT'S LIKE OBSESSION WAKE-UP CALL.

4:00 A.M., START THINKING OF STUFF.

I KNOW I AIN'T GOING BACK TO SLEEP.

YOU KNOW WHAT KNOCKS ME OUT IS MINT TEA.

YEAH, I'M SITTING IN BED WONDERING, "DO I EVEN EXIST?"

YOU THINK I'M SHUTTING THAT DOWN WITH TEA?

I'M JUST SAYING. SLEEP LIKE A BABY.

THE ONLY THING THAT'S GONNA MAKE ME SLEEP LIKE A BABY

IS SEEING BLACK NUMBERS ON MY SPREADSHEET INSTEAD OF RED.

[ LAUGHS ]

WHAT, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, GUYS.

FANTASY WOMAN. [ CHUCKLES ]

I GOT TO TELL YOU, SHE'S NOT THAT HOT.

NO, YOU'RE TIRED AND STUPID AND STILL KIND OF FAT.

OH! [ LAUGHS ]

SHE'S A GOOD-LOOKING WOMAN,

BUT, YOU KNOW, YOU'VE DONE BETTER.

BETTER THAN HER?

YEAH, WHAT ABOUT WHAT'S-HER-FACE,

THE BLIND-DATE HYGIENIST LADY WHERE YOU CAME IN YOUR PANTS?

DORI, YOU MEAN? YEAH, THAT'S NOT WHAT HAPPENED.

[ BOTH LAUGH ]

I'M TALKING TO HER. YOU KNOW WHAT?

I DON'T GIVE A DAMN. Terry: IT'S ABOUT TIME.

RIGHT. RIGHT.

HERE WE GO! HEY.

OH, HI!

HI. HI.

I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU UP HERE IN A WHILE.

OH, YEAH, I JUST -- YOU KNOW, I'VE BEEN CRAZY WITH THE STORE

AND, UH, WELL,

A LOT OF STUFF GOING ON.

SO, UH, YOU KNOW?

JOE'S BEEN PLAYING A LOT OF GOLF.

HE'S TRYING OUT FOR THE SENIOR TOUR.

REALLY? MM-HMM.

YOU MUST BE GOOD.

I'M, UH -- I'M OKAY. I'M ALL RIGHT, YOU KNOW?

I'M NOT ACTUALLY TRYING OUT FOR THE TOUR.

I WAS GONNA, BUT I'M NOT NOW.

BUT, YEAH, I COULD GIVE YOU SOME POINTERS

IF YOU WANT TO KNOW HOW TO HIT A BAD SHOT.

[ LAUGHS ] WELL, THANKS. I'LL THINK ABOUT THAT.

OKAY. YEAH.

SEE YOU LATER.

OKAY. BYE-BYE. BYE.

SHE'S GONNA THINK ABOUT THAT.

YOU KNOW, NORMALLY, I'D SAY THAT'S BULLSHIT,

BUT THAT HAD A NOT-BULLSHIT INFLECTION TO IT.

YOU'RE NOT TRYING OUT FOR THE TOUR?

UH, NO. NO, I'M NOT.

JOE, THAT'S ALL YOU'VE BEEN DOING FOR THE LAST SIX MONTHS.

WELL, THAT'S ALL I'VE BEEN TRYING TO DO.

NOW, LOOK, I PRACTICED, I GOT A COACH, I TRIED.

IT'S JUST -- IT AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN.

CAN'T YOU KEEP ON PRACTICING?

WELL, THE PRE-QUALIFIER'S HERE NEXT WEEK, SO...NO.

YEAH, BUT WHAT ABOUT ALBERT?

WASN'T HE SUPPOSED TO CADDY AND ALL THAT?

YEAH, I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW.

SO MAYBE HE'LL SEE THAT YOU CAN'T NEGLECT SHIT

AND IT MAGICALLY WORKS OUT.

OKAY, ALL RIGHT. I MEAN, THAT'S FINE, JOE.

JUST, YOU KNOW, WE'RE SURPRISED, THAT'S ALL.

YEAH. JUST SEEMED LIKE YOU WANTED TO DO THAT.

I KNOW.

WELL, YOU KNOW, THE GOOD NEWS IS

THAT IT LOOKS LIKE THE FANTASY WOMAN MIGHT BE INTO YOU.

[ Laughing ] OH. YOU GOT TO PUT THAT IN MY HEAD?

WELL, WHAT? YOU SAID IT FIRST.

YEAH, BUT I'M JUST BULLSHITTING MYSELF.

YOU'RE SAYING -- AW, NOW I'M GONNA BE THINKING, "HEY, MAYBE."

I'M NOT GONNA SLEEP TONIGHT NOW.

I'M GONNA CALL YOU AT 4:00 A.M.

[ Laughing ] OH, GOD.

ME AND THE FANTASY WOMAN. CAN YOU IMAGINE THAT, THOUGH?

I MEAN, IF IT'S --

OOH! I GOT TO RUN THIS OFF.

[ GRUNTS ] I'LL SEE YOU AT THE TOP.

HELLO?

OVER HERE!

YOU REALIZE YOU ONLY GET ONE CLOSET, RIGHT?

DON'T WORRY, I'M TAKING A COUPLE SICK DAYS OFF WORK TO PURGE.

YEAH, I'VE GONE THROUGH ALMOST ONE BOX.

OH, BOY.

WHAT? [ GASPS ] GIVE ME THAT!

OH, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. NO, NO, NO.

HEY! OH, MAN!

LOOK AT YOU. LOOK HOW CUTE YOU WERE!

YOU GOT YOUR WHOLE LITTLE DURAN DURAN THING GOING THERE.

LOOK AT THAT! AWW, THAT'S NICE!

I WAS GOING FOR MORE OF A -- I DON'T KNOW --

BELINDA CARLISLE.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

[ LAUGHS ]

WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU, DADDY?

I NOTICED THE INVENTORY COULD USE A LITTLE FRESHENING.

YOU OUGHT TO HAVE THE LOT GUYS MOVE THE NEW CAMAROS

DOWN TOWARDS THE STREET.

OKAY.

I JUST WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU UNDERSTAND

THAT NOW THAT BRUCE IS GONE, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO STEP IT UP.

HE MAY HAVE HAD HIS PROBLEMS,

BUT HE TOOK A LOT OFF OF YOUR PLATE.

DADDY, I'M HERE MORNING, NOON, AND NIGHT.

I RARELY SEE THE KIDS.

WELL, NOW, THAT'S A SHAME.

BUT SOMETIMES, THAT'S -- THAT'S THE WAY IT'S GOT TO BE.

THERE WERE TIMES BACK IN THE '70s

WHERE I SLEPT HERE FOUR NIGHTS A WEEK.

I REMEMBER.

OKAY.

[ GRUNTS ]

OH, AND WHAT TIME DO YOU NEED ME HERE FOR THE

COMMERCIAL TOMORROW?

OH. UM...

UM...

A-ACTUALLY, UM...

...5:00.

5:00. SEE YOU THEN.

WHEW!

PIZZA IN THE BACK, GUYS.

GO GET IT. JUST GOT HERE.

IT'S STILL HOT. IT'S FROM MIKEY P's.

IT'S THE GOOD STUFF.

UM...

OKAY, GUYS, WHAT?

JUST BECAUSE OF ALL THE MANAGEMENT,

THE STUFF WE'VE BEEN DOING LATELY,

DaSHAUN AND I THINK WE SHOULD GET A RAISE.

OH.

I MEAN, YOU KIND OF MADE A BIG DEAL

ABOUT US TAKING ON MORE RESPONSIBILITY, WHICH WE DID.

BUT I'M STILL GETTING PAID LIKE A CASHIER.

AND SO IT'S NOT REALLY FAIR

THAT YOU KEEP PAYING ME THE SAME -- US THE SAME.

RIGHT? YEAH.

I JUST -- YOU KNOW, GUYS,

I WISH YOU WOULD TALK ABOUT THIS WITH ME IN MY OFFICE, MAYBE,

AT THE RIGHT TIME.

SORRY, MR. T. IT'S JUST -- WE JUST NEVER SEE YOU.

WELL, YEAH, BUT LIKE I SAID,

THAT'S -- THAT'S ALL GONNA CHANGE.

OKAY. BUT WE'RE STILL GONNA BE DOING A LOT.

[ SIGHS ] ALSO, I JUST GOT PIZZA.

LOOK, I'M SORRY, BUT THE TRUTH IS,

I CAN'T BE DOING A RAISE THING RIGHT NOW, OKAY?

I JUST -- I'M SORRY.

SO, THAT'S IT?

YEAH. I'M SORRY.

Carlos: ¿QUé ESTáS HACIENDO?

NO IMPORTA. LO QUE éL ESTá HACIENDO NO ES JUSTO.

HEY, HEY, HEY. ARE YOU WALKING OUT ON ME?

WE JUST WANT WHAT'S FAIR, MR. T.

YEAH, ALTHOUGH WE COULD FINISH UP AND THEN GO.

NO, SHE'S RIGHT.

MARIA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

IT'S JUST NOT FAIR, MR. T. IT'S NOT FAIR.

Joe: DaSHAUN! ALL RIGHT, MAN.

NO WORRY, MR. JOE. I HAVE 10 FRIENDS WE CALL.

OKAY. YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THAT, CARLOS.

[ DIALING ]

OH, HEY, MARCOS?

YEAH, I GOT IT. TOILET PAPER AND HALF AND HALF.

SEE YOU IN 20.

[ METAL CLANKS ]

Chet: PIECE OF SHIT!

WHAT'S GOING ON?

THE STUPID PRESSURE PUMP IS BROKEN AGAIN.

I KEEP TRYING TO BOOST THE REGULATOR,

BUT THE RINSE CYCLE IS SO WEAK

BECAUSE IT'S A PIECE OF SHIT!

OKAY, WELL, IT'S GOT TO BE FIXED

BECAUSE I'VE TWEETED AND FACEBOOKED

AND WE'VE GOT FLYERS FROM HERE TO GLENDALE

SAYING "FREE CAR WASH."

PEOPLE ARE COMING TOMORROW MORNING.

THEN YOU'RE GONNA BE HAND-WASHING EVERY CAR,

BECAUSE THIS PIECE OF SHIT AIN'T GONNA DO IT.

Uh, something just came up. I'm not gonna make dinner.

OH, SHOOT. AGAIN?

YOU REMEMBER BOTH BOYS HAVE SCHOOL PROJECTS

DUE TOMORROW, RIGHT?

LOOK, IT'S KIND OF AN EMERGENCY.

I got to track down this pressure pump.

AND THIS GUY, CHET, HE'S ABOUT TO CRY.

LOOK, FORGET IT. I'LL TELL YOU LATER.

OKAY, SWEETIE.

WHEN WE SEE YOU LATER, RIGHT?

YEAH.

WHO'S COOKING?

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO MAÑANA. AHORA.

ESTúPIDO.

[ RECEIVER SLAMS ]

SORRY, MR. JOE.

YEAH, IT'S OKAY, CARLOS.

DON'T WORRY. HE AND ME DO GOOD JOB.

HEY, MAN. I GOT IT.

I HAD TO DRIVE ALL THE WAY TO TORRANCE AND WAKE UP SOME DUDE,

BUT, UH...

HEY, MAN!

HEY, I GOT IT.

WHAT TIME IS IT, MAN?

IT'S TIME TO ROCK THIS THING.

AND DON'T WORRY ABOUT HOW LONG IT TAKES,

'CAUSE YOU'RE ON DOUBLE TIME, OKAY?

OKAY.

HEY.

YOU NEED, UM...

HELP?

[ SIGHS ]

[ SIGHS ]

OUR FRIENDLY STAFF ENSURES

THAT YOU'LL GET A GREAT DEAL WITHOUT ALL THE HASSLE.

[ SPITS ]

BECAUSE THEY'RE NOT MAKING THEM LIKE THEY USED TO.

YOU KNOW, I GOT TO SAY,

I'M KIND OF EXCITED ABOUT THE SHOOT TODAY.

YEAH? I MEAN, OWEN WAS RIGHT.

THIS DOES NOT SUCK.

I MEAN, EVEN THE PART WITH HIS DAD IS OKAY.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M EXCITED ABOUT?

I FOUND A WHOLE BOX OF THESE IN MY NEW CLOSET.

[ LAUGHS ] WOW.

YOU KNOW, HE'S REALLY CUTE, BUT I THINK I LIKE YOU BETTER.

WELL, THAT'S GOOD.

AND WHY ARE YOU WEARING OVERALLS?

THIS WAS MY BEST PAIR OF PANTS.

[ LAUGHS ]

[ CHUCKLES ]

WHERE IS EVERYBODY?

THE CAR WASH HAS A HUGE LINE!

EVERYBODY'S SUPPOSED TO BE HERE CATCHING FISH!

EARLY SHIFT WAS JUST ME AND LAWRENCE.

DID YOU PUT MORE PEOPLE ON THE SCHEDULE?

[ SIGHS ] OKAY, OKAY.

UM...

GET ON THE PHONE AND CALL EVERYBODY.

OKAY. [ DIALING ]

[ SIGHS ]

WHEW.

[ BREATHING DEEPLY ]

[ TELEPHONE RINGING ]

[ KNUCKLES CRACKING ]

[ RINGING CONTINUES ]

Come on.

[ SIGHS ]

[ TELEPHONE BEEPING ]

[ LAUGHS ]

[ BEEPING CONTINUES ]

[ BREATHING DEEPLY ]

[ SIGHS ]

OWEN THOREAU.

HMM.

[ GROANING ]

[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]

BILL, WHAT'S, UH -- I THOUGHT IT WAS A DELIVERY.

WELL, YOU KNOW, I JUST HAPPENED TO BE DRIVING BY

AND I SAW YOUR TRUCK HERE,

AND I REALIZED, GEEZ, YOU KNOW?

I CAN'T TAKE YOUR MONEY.

OH. ALL RIGHT, WHATEVER.

AND I ALSO REALIZED

I GOT A GOOD FEELING ABOUT DENVER TONIGHT.

NO, NO. I'M NOT TAKING BETS.

I TOLD YOU, THAT'S STILL THE DEAL.

OH, COME ON, MAN, YOU OWE ME.

YOU KNOW, THE CUBS WON THE OTHER NIGHT.

I WOULD'VE CLEANED UP. COME ON, SERIOUSLY.

YOU GOT TO GO.

COME ON. LOOK, I'M NOT

TAKING YOUR BET,

AND THAT'S A GOOD THING FOR BOTH OF US, BELIEVE ME.

AW, COME ON, JOE. NO, SERIOUSLY.

LISTEN. COME ON. YOU HAVE A PROBLEM, MAN.

JUST GO TO G.A.

MAN. JOE. JOE. JOE. THANKS A LOT, JOE. LOSER!

[ SIGHS ]

[ BROOKS & DUNN'S "MY MARIA" PLAYS ]

♪ MY MARIA ♪

♪ DON'T YOU KNOW I HAVE COME A LONG, LONG WAY? ♪

IS MARIA HERE?

♪ I'VE BEEN LONGING TO SEE HER ♪

♪ WHEN SHE'S AROUND, SHE TAKES MY BLUES AWAY ♪

♪ SWEET MARIA ♪

HEY, DaSHAUN. WHAT'S GOING ON, MAN?

♪ THE SUNLIGHT SURELY HURTS MY EYES ♪

YEAH, LISTEN, I WAS JUST THINKING.

♪ I'M A LONELY DREAMER ON A HIGHWAY IN THE SKY ♪

♪ MARI-I-I-I-A ♪

[ LAUGHTER ]

NO! NO!

[ LAUGHTER ] CHAMPION!

CHAMPION! YEAH.

CHI-CHI RODRíGUEZ!

GIVE ME TWO.

YOU'LL TAKE TWO? YEP.

SEE YOU TOMORROW, MR. T. THANKS, MAN.

THIS IS GOOD.

TAKE TWO, YOU'RE BIG.

ALL RIGHT, I'M OUT OF HERE.

CARLOS.

HEY, LISTEN, THANKS, UH -- THANKS FOR --

WELL, JUST, YOU KNOW, THANKS. YEAH.

HEY, CARLOS, HOLD ON A SEC.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

YEAH. I DON'T NEED THIS ANYMORE. YOU TAKE IT. PRACTICE AT HOME.

YOU KNOW, YOU COULD MAYBE MAKE IT ON THE "SEÑOR" TOUR.

[ CHUCKLES ]

I'M SORRY, THAT WAS JUST LAYING THERE.

OKAY.

ALL RIGHT.

[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]

WHO DO YOU THINK'S GONNA BE THE FIRST ONE

TO FLUB THEIR LINES?

NOT GONNA BE ME, SON.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? ARE YOU KIDDING?

[ LAUGHS ]

WE'RE GONNA START WITH A GLAMOUR SHOT

OF THE CHEVROLET EMBLEM, LIGHT MAKING IT GLOW.

THEN WE PAN TO YOUR FIRST SPOKESMAN.

PEOPLE SAY THEY DON'T MAKE THEM LIKE THEY USED TO.

AT THOREAU CHEVROLET, WE AGREE.

THE NEW CAMARO CONVERTIBLE --

312 HORSEPOWER, 29 MILES PER GALLON.

THAT IS DEFINITELY NOT MAKING THEM LIKE THEY USED TO.

AND THE SAME GOES FOR OUR SALES TEAM.

OUR FRIENDLY STAFF ENSURES

THAT YOU'LL GET A GREAT DEAL WITHOUT ALL THE HASSLE.

SO, COME IN TO THOREAU

AND LET THE BEST GENERATION OF CAR SALESMEN

SHOW YOU THE NEXT GENERATION OF CARS.

BECAUSE THEY'RE NOT MAKING THEM LIKE THEY USED TO.

THEY JUST MIGHT BE MAKING THEM BETTER.

Woman: AND CUT!

[ LAUGHS ]

OKAY?

OKAY, HOW'D IT LOOK?

IT LOOKS GREAT.

FREAKIN' COOL, DUDE. IT'S SO FREAKIN' COOL.

OKAY, WE WENT A COUPLE OF SECONDS OVER, THOUGH,

SO LET'S DO IT AGAIN.

AND, THIS TIME, JUST PICK UP THE CUES.

AND ACTION.

PEOPLE SAY THEY DON'T MAKE THEM LIKE THEY USED TO.

Isn't he supposed to get out?

CUT!

IS THERE A PROBLEM, TERRY?

UH...YEAH, YEAH.

I THINK THAT THERE IS.

O, CAN I TALK TO YOU A SEC?

UM... WHAT IS IT?

IS IT MY DAD?

HE SEEMS OKAY. NO, NO, HE'S FINE.

HE'S FINE.

IT'S JUST, UM --

IT'S BORING.

IT'S BORING AS HELL.

IS IT -- IS IT SUPPOSED TO BE EXCITING?

IT'S SUPPOSED TO GRAB YOU.

BUT IT DOES, RIGHT?

I MEAN, IT'S -- IT'S SO FREAKIN' COOL!

NOBODY'S GONNA GIVE A SHIT ABOUT THAT.

PEOPLE HAVE SEEN A TRILLION COMMERCIALS.

THEY'RE NOT GONNA BE DRAWN IN BY SOME CRANE SHOT

AND A BUNCH OF OLD CARS.

O, I'D HATE TO SEE YOU SPEND ALL THIS MONEY

AND THEN NOT END UP DOING ANY BUSINESS.

OH, OH, OKAY. I'M SORRY, I...

SO...WHAT DO WE DO?

WELL, I-I DON'T KNOW.

[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]

WHEW. HEY, HEY.

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA. HANG ON, HANG ON.

SIT DOWN. SIT DOWN. SIT DOWN. SIT DOWN.

YOU OKAY?

HEY, YOU OKAY?

JUST GOT TO CATCH MY -- CATCH MY --

ALL RIGHT.

W-WHY IS HE DOING THAT?

SORRY, HE JUST -- WE'RE THINKING ABOUT MAKING

SOME TWEAKS HERE.

TWEAKS?! HE SAID IT SUCKS!

SORRY.

IT -- YOU KNOW THOSE COMMERCIALS FOR SCARPULLA CHEVROLET?

"SCARPULLA, BOYEEEE"?

THEY'RE TERRIBLE, BUT THEY'RE SEARED INTO YOUR BRAIN.

DON'T GET ME WRONG -- THIS LOOKS GREAT.

IT'S JUST THAT... THIS IS TOTALLY FORGETTABLE.

WELL, DON'T GET ME WRONG, EITHER,

BUT YOU BETTER MAKE A DECISION,

'CAUSE EVERY MINUTE THAT GOES BY COSTS YOU MONEY.

[ GROANS ] YEAH, YEAH, WE'RE --

[ CHUCKLES ]

JUST HOLD ON, OKAY?

UM...

I THINK...

WE'RE GONNA NEED SOME HELP FROM JOE. ALL RIGHT?

SO YOU GET YOUR PHONE OUT, CALL HIM, SEE IF HE'S

STILL THERE, OKAY?

YOU GUYS HAVE A GREEN SCREEN?

Man: QUIET ON THE SET, PLEASE!

THIS IS THOREAU CHEVROLET COMMERCIAL

ALTERNATE VERSION, TAKE 1.

MARK IT!

SERIOUSLY, GUYS?

GO AHEAD.

OKAY. [ CLEARS THROAT ]

AND...ACTION!

AT THOREAU CHEVROLET, WE'RE STUFFED WITH DEALS.

HANG ON.

[ UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS ]

[ Spanish accent ] AT THOREAU CHEVROLET --

HYAH! HYAH! HYAH! -- THERE IS NO BULL!

[ Normal voice ] STUPID'S GOOD, RIGHT?

Terry: YEAH, STUPID IS GOOD.

[ Goofy voice ] MY SHADOW!

THAT MEANS SIX MORE WEEKS OF SAVINGS!

[ Normal voice ] I THINK THIS IS MORE OF A BEAVER.

SURF'S UP! PRICES ARE DOWN.

[ French accent ] OOH-LA-LA TO SAVINGS. HMM.

[ Normal voice ] OUR PRICES ARE GOING, "TIMBE-E-E-R!"

SO, HE'S SCARPULLA, RIGHT?

YEAH, YEAH, HE'S SCARPULLA.

OKAY.

THAT'S THE SPOT?

YEAH, HIT HIM AGAIN.

I'VE SAVED ALL I CAN SAVE, AND I CAN'T SAVE NO MORE!

[ Irish accent ] I SAVED ME A POT O' GOLD AT THOREAU!

LEPRECHAUN KICK!

I'M OKAY.

WE SHOULD SHOOT ONE FOR EVERY HOLIDAY.

THEN YOU'D BE SET FOR A YEAR.

♪ NOBODY BETTER COME AND TURN ME DOWN ♪

[ Normal voice ] HAIL TO THE CHEAP!

ON, CAMARO! ON, SILVERADO!

[ High voice ] OUR PRICES ARE EGG-CELLENT!

CUT IT. SORRY. NO.

CUT.

YEAH. OKAY, CUT.

[ Deep voice ] I WANT YOU TO BUY A NEW CHEVY.

PICK IT UP A LITTLE BIT.

I WANT YOU TO BUY A NEW CHEVY!

GOOFIER!

[ BEEPING ] GOOD.

[ Normal voice ] WE'RE CLEARING OUT THE OLD

TO MAKE ROOM FOR THE NEW.

THIS IS A DAMN JOKE!

UH...

NEVER MIND. HE'LL GET OVER IT.

OKAY, BUT THIS IS THE ONLY HOLIDAY LEFT, RIGHT?

YOU GET THIS, YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO MAKE ANOTHER

COMMERCIAL AGAIN.

EVEN AN OLD MAN LIKE ME

KNOWS YOU GET THE BEST DEALS AT THOREAU'S.

[ LAUGHS ]

[ APPLAUSE ]

ANY MORE STUPID SHIT TO DO?

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]

WELL, THAT WAS INTERESTING.

[ LAUGHS ]

I HOPE I DIDN'T STEP ON YOUR TOES TOO MUCH.

AS LONG AS THE CLIENT IS HAPPY, I'M HAPPY.

FOR A MINUTE, I THOUGHT WE WERE GONNA GO DOWN IN FLAMES.

BUT, LIKE YOU SAID, I THINK THAT WE'RE GONNA HAVE SOMETHING

THAT IS GOING TO BE SEARED IN PEOPLE BRAINS.

[ LAUGHS ] I WAS JUST DANCING AS FAST AS I COULD THERE.

YOU HAVE A CERTAIN KNACK.

[ LAUGHS ] COBBLING TOGETHER A BUNCH OF STUPID SHIT?

YEAH, I AGREE WITH THAT.

STUPID IS GOOD. [ LAUGHS ]

NO, IT TAKES A SMART MAN TO KNOW WHEN THAT'S TRUE.

YEAH.

UM, WELL, THANKS.

BUT I, UH... USED TO ACT,

BUT YOU KNOW HOW THAT IS, SO...

LITTLE SECRET --

DIRECTING'S THE ONLY THING IN THIS BUSINESS

WHERE THEY LET US OLD FARTS STICK AROUND.

I THINK THEY THINK WE'RE WISE.

ANYWAY...

[ BOTTLES CLINK ]

WHERE'S OWEN? I WANT TO THANK HIM.

[ CHUCKLES ]

I'M SORRY, BABE.

I KNOW.

IT'S NOT RIGHT.

YOU HAVE ALL THE KIDS, YOUR OWN WORK STUFF GOING ON.

JUST...

[ SIGHS ]

WE JUST HAVE TO TURN THE CORNER.

I KNOW. IT'S OKAY.

THIS IS WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO NOW.

THIS IS FOR US, TOO.

IT'S JUST...

WE MISS YOU.

I MISS YOU, TOO. [ CHUCKLES ]

SO COME BACK SOON, OKAY?

[ DOOR OPENS ]

HI, PACK RAT.

[ CHUCKLES ]

SO, HOW DID IT GO? WAS A STAR BORN?

NO, I ACTUALLY GOT REPLACED.

WHAT?

OH, GOD, YOU DIDN'T RAP, DID YOU?

NO.

WE JUST -- WE FOUND A BETTER WAY TO DO IT,

MUCH SIMPLER, MUCH STUPIDER.

LAWRENCE IS IN IT. AH!

IT'S GONNA BE GREAT.

WELL, YOU REALLY DON'T WANT TO BE THE THOREAU CAR GUY.

NO.

HEY. HMM?

LOOK WHAT I DID TODAY.

TO REMIND US OF WHEN WE WERE YOUNG AND FOOLISH.

[ LAUGHS ]

IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE THAT USED TO BE US, HUH?

THANKS, I GUESS.

[ BOTH LAUGH ]

MMM.

I'M BEAT.

OH, ME, TOO. I'M EXHAUSTED.

I UNPACKED ALMOST TWO WHOLE BOXES TODAY.

OH, MY GOD! TWO WHOLE BOXES?

[ SIGHS ]

[ THE MONKEES' "DAYDREAM BELIEVER" PLAYS ]

♪ OH, I COULD HIDE 'NEATH THE WINGS ♪

[ DOORBELL RINGS ]

♪ OF THE BLUEBIRD AS SHE SINGS ♪

HEY. YOU GUYS OPEN?

I GOT SHIT I NEED.

[ CHUCKLES ] YEAH, YEAH.

WELL, WE'RE ABOUT TO OPEN,

BUT, YEAH, YEAH, COME ON IN, MAN.

WHERE'S ALL YOUR EMPLOYEES?

YOU KNOW, YOU OUGHT TO MAKE THEM COME IN

AT THE BUTT CRACK OF DAWN AND OPEN UP.

YEAH, ME BEING THE BOSS, IT'S GOT TO BE ME.

HOW ARE YOU? HAVEN'T SEEN YOU IN A WHILE, MAN.

HOW YOU FEELING?

LIKE ASS. I GOT CANCER, REMEMBER?

[ CHUCKLES ] OH, YEAH, I REMEMBER.

STILL DOING IT, THOUGH? THE CHEMO?

OF COURSE I AM.

ACTUALLY, I'M IN THE MARKET FOR A WIG.

WE GOT A WHOLE BUNCH. THOSE ARE ALL JOKEY, BUT...

WHAT DO YOU THINK? IS IT ME?

YEAH. I LIKE THAT. YOU WANT IT? YOU GOT IT.

ALL RIGHT.

YOU KNOW WHAT? I'LL THROW IN THE EMPLOYEE DISCOUNT FOR YOU.

THAT'S REAL NICE OF YOU.

HOW ABOUT WE JUST TAKE IT OUT OF WHAT YOU OWE ME?

WHAT I OWE YOU?

BILL CALLED ME UP, DIPSHIT.

OH.

DID YOU SERIOUSLY THINK YOU COULD TRUST THAT GUY?

HE'S DESPERATE -- LOOK, LOOK, LOOK,

IT WAS JUST --

YOU KNOW, ONE NIGHT, YOU WERE FALLING ASLEEP,

AND HE WANTED TO BET ONE GAME.

THAT'S IT. JUST ONE GAME.

AND YOU SAID YOU DIDN'T WANT IT, SO --

BUT THAT WASN'T THE END OF IT, WAS IT, JOE?

♪ ...AND A HOMECOMING QUEEN ♪

YOU KNOW, HE JUST -- HE OWES LIKE $500.

I'LL JUST PAY YOU BACK.

COME ON, MAN. JUST TAKE IT EASY.

COME ON, MAN. LOOK, YOU'RE SICK.

THAT'S RIGHT! I AM SICK.

COME ON! I DIDN'T MEAN ANYTHING BY IT!

OH, OF COURSE YOU DIDN'T, 'CAUSE YOU'RE AN ADDICT.

AND ADDICTS, OH,

THEY JUST CAN'T HELP THEMSELVES, RIGHT, JOE?

WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT I SAY? I SAY BULLSHIT. BULLSHIT!

Joe: COME ON, MANFRO!

I'LL PAY YOU BACK!

I THOUGHT YOU WERE MY FRIEND, JOE!

I WAS GONNA PAY YOU BACK. STOP IT!

COME ON, COME ON. LET'S JUST TALK ABOUT THIS.

GET OFF ME!

[ NEEDLE SCREECHES ]

[ MUSIC STOPS ]

LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO!

MY TOOTH.

JUST GO. GO, MAN. 'CAUSE MY EMPLOYEES ARE GONNA --

COME ON!

YOU KNOW, THEY CAN SAVE THE TOOTH SOMETIMES

IF YOU GO TO THE DENTIST RIGHT AWAY!

AND PUT IT IN MILK.

[ DOORS CLOSE ]

[ COUGHING ]

YOU OKAY, BUDDY?

[ Sarcastically ] YEAH, I'M HAVING A GREAT DAY!

[ CAR ALARM DEACTIVATES ]

JOE?

HEY. HEY, GIVE ME A HAND, WILL YA?

I'M TRYING TO FIND A TOOTH.

JOE!

WHY WOULD SOME HOMELESS GUY

JUST COME INTO THE STORE AND BEAT YOU UP?

HOW SHOULD I KNOW?

I SAW THE GUY. AT LEAST, I THINK IT WAS THE GUY.

HE WAS DRIVING A CAR.

I THINK HE CAME THERE TO ROB YOU

AND JUST DIDN'T EXPECT ANYBODY TO BE THERE.

HE DIDN'T EVEN TOUCH THE CASH REGISTER.

SO I DON'T KNOW. WHAT THE HELL?

LET'S JUST GET THERE, 'CAUSE I DON'T KNOW

HOW LONG THIS THING'S GONNA STAY ALIVE.

OKAY?

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. WAIT A MINUTE. THIS IS

YOUR DENTIST?

WHAT OTHER DENTIST WOULD I GO TO?

LISTEN, WHY DON'T WE JUST -- LET'S GO TO THE E.R.

WHY? THEY TAKE FOREVER. THEY'LL JUST SEND YOU --

Dori: CAN YOU PULL UP GEORGE GROEBNER?

JOE.

DORI. HI.

OH, MY GOD, IS THAT --

JOE WAS ATTACKED.

LOOK, I'M THE ONE WHO BROUGHT HIM HERE.

I TOTALLY FORGOT. I'M THE JACKASS, NOT HIM.

I'LL GET AN EXAM ROOM PREPPED.

HE SHOULD GO IN RIGHT AWAY.

THANKS.

SORRY.

LITTLE OLD FOR FISTFIGHTS, AREN'T WE THERE, MR. TRANELLI?

YEAH. [ CHUCKLES ]

I DON'T SEE ANY LACERATIONS ON THE GUMS.

WE'LL JUST STICK THE LITTLE GUY BACK IN THE SOCKET

AND JUST SPLINT IT TO THE SURROUNDING TEETH.

BETTER GET YOU NUMB. DORI, I NEED YOU IN HERE!

LAST GUY I DID THIS FOR WAS IN A CAR WRECK.

TOOTH BROKE RIGHT THROUGH THE BOTTOM LIP.

IT WAS JUST DANGLING THERE.

AND THEN THERE WAS THIS WOMAN CAME IN.

SHE HAD HER FRONT TEETH BROKEN.

TURNS OUT SHE WAS A PROFESSIONAL WRESTLER.

[ CHUCKLES ] TOOK A CHAIR SMACK IN THE KISSER.

PEOPLE SAY THAT THAT PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING

IS ALL FAKE.

I GUESS THEY DIDN'T TELL WHOEVER SHE WAS WRESTLING.

[ LAUGHS ]

OKAY. BITE DOWN NOW FOR ME.

HMM. LOOKS PRETTY GOOD.

OKAY, WELL, I WANT TO SEE YOU BACK HERE AGAIN IN A WEEK,

AND WE'LL SEE HOW IT'S HOLDING.

OKAY. UNLESS THERE'S

SOME PAIN OR SWELLING.

I'LL NEED YOU IN 3 WHEN YOU'RE FINISHED IN HERE.

DORI, WAIT.

JUST, UM...

YOU WERE RIGHT.

JOE --

YOU WERE.

ABOUT EVERYTHING.

I JUST...

I DIDN'T THINK SO.

I, UH --

I THOUGHT I WAS A GOOD GUY.

I NEED YOU IN 3.

OKAY.

I GOT TO GO.

Terry: I CALLED THE STORE -- I TOLD THEM TO,

YOU KNOW, CLOSE UP AND LEAVE EVERYTHING WHERE IT IS.

I FIGURED YOU'D WANT THE POLICE TO LOOK AT THE DAMAGE

OR TAKE PHOTOS OR SOMETHING, RIGHT?

YEAH. YEAH, YEAH.

SOMEBODY... [ SIGHS ]

...SHOULD GET OVER THERE AND DO SOMETHING.

JOE?

OH, HI.

[ ELEVATOR DINGS ]

I'LL WAIT FOR YOU DOWNSTAIRS.

OKAY?

LOOK, I JUST WANT TO SAY...

I'M SORRY.

WELL, NO, YOU KNOW,

I SHOULDN'T HAVE GOTTEN ALL HEAVY ON YOU IN THERE.

NO.

I JUST -- I SHOULD HAVE AT LEAST GIVEN YOU AN EXPLANATION.

IT'S JUST...

WHEN YOU TOLD ME ABOUT THAT BIG BET YOU MADE...

HEY...

YOU SAW WHAT YOU SAW.

IT WAS SCARY. I-I WAS --

NO. I HAD TO BREAK IT OFF,

BUT I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW

THAT IT WASN'T SOME LITTLE THING...

MEETING YOU.

[ CHUCKLES ]

I SCREWED UP SO MANY THINGS.

WELL, HEY, DON'T LET BAD JOE WIN, OKAY?

'CAUSE...

'CAUSE GOOD JOE'S KIND OF AWESOME.

[ CHUCKLES ]

[ ELEVATOR DINGS ]

[ CLEARS THROAT ]

I THOUGHT I PUSHED -- I THOUGHT I PUSHED "DOWN."

NOW, CALL ME IF YOU NEED ANYTHING, OKAY?

YEAH, YEAH. I'LL BE OKAY.

THANKS.

[ CHUCKLES ] CARLOS.