Original subtitles

AND YOU'RE BOTH ON THE SAME PAGE WITH HOUSEHOLD RULES?

R-RATED MOVIES, CURFEWS?

I'M ONLY ASKING SO THESE ISSUES DON'T COME UP LATER.

YEAH. NO, WE'RE -- WE'RE GOOD ON THAT.

YEAH, DEFINITELY.

WE'VE GOT A DIVORCE AGREEMENT.

ALL THAT'S LEFT

IS THE OFFICIAL PETITION AND RESPONSE FOR THE COURT.

HAVE YOU TALKED ABOUT WHO'S GONNA FILE?

WHAT -- WHAT IS THAT?

LIKE, WHO'S DIVORCING WHO?

YES. WHO'S THE PLAINTIFF AND WHO'S THE DEFENDANT?

UM... DOES THAT MEAN SOMETHING?

LEGALLY? NOT REALLY.

IF YOU GO TO TRIAL, AND YOU WON'T,

THE PLAINTIFF, OR PETITIONER, TESTIFIES FIRST.

IT'S JUST A FORMALITY. SOMEONE HAS TO GO FIRST.

RIGHT. [ CHUCKLES ]

DOESN'T MATTER, RIGHT?

OKAY.

I MEAN, WELL, I'LL...BE THE PLAINTIFF.

GREAT. IS THAT GOOD FOR YOU?

YEAH. OKAY. YEAH, SURE.

RACHEL, CAN WE GET TWO COPIES OF THE FINALIZED AGREEMENT?

SHE'LL GET THOSE TO YOU, YOU TAKE THEM HOME

AND LOOK THEM OVER,

AND LET ME KNOW IF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS.

OKAY. ALL RIGHT.

OH, THANK YOU. THAT WAS EASY.

[ CHUCKLES ]

WELL, THANKS SO MUCH, SHEILA.

MY PLEASURE.

OKAY. THANKS.

THE DEFENDANT THING, THOUGH -- IT DOESN'T MATTER, RIGHT?

NO. IT'S JUST A FORMALITY.

OKAY.

NO, IT JUST -- YOU KNOW, IT SOUNDS WEIRD.

DO YOU WANT TO CHANGE IT? IT'S NO --

NO, NO, NO, NO.

NO, NO. NO BIG DEAL.

[ DOOR OPENS ]

NAH.

♪ WHEN I GROW UP TO BE A MAN ♪

♪ WILL I DIG THE SAME THINGS THAT TURN ME ON AS A KID? ♪

♪ WILL I LOOK BACK AND SAY ♪

♪ THAT I WISH I HADN'T DONE WHAT I DID? ♪

♪ WILL I JOKE AROUND ♪

♪ WILL I STILL JOKE AROUND ♪

♪ AND STILL DIG THOSE SOUNDS ♪

♪ AND STILL DIG THOSE SOUNDS ♪

♪ WHEN I GROW UP TO BE A MAN? ♪

"PROTECT AND RESTORE THE DELICATE EYE AREA

[ KNOCK ON DOOR ] WHILE REDUCING --"

Bruce: HEY, BOSS, WHAT ARE WE CALLING

THE SATURDAY SALES EVENT?

OVERSTOCK? CLEARANCE?

I'LL LEAVE THAT UP TO YOU

BECAUSE THIS WEEKEND I'LL BE RELAXING

IN MY, UH, "OUTDOOR SPA CABANA"

ENJOYING MY, UH, "SEAWEED BODY WRAP."

YOU KNOW, THOSE SEAWEED WRAPS SHRINK YOUR BALLS.

OH, YOU'RE A BITTER MAN.

YEP. [ BOTH LAUGH ]

NEW CAR SHOW --

NOW THAT'S A PARTY.

I REMEMBER ONE YEAR IT WAS IN ST. THOMAS,

WITH A PRIVATE MASSEUSE IN EVERY ROOM.

WHERE IS IT THIS TIME?

ANAHEIM.

TOUGH LUCK.

YOUR OLD MAN GOING? NOPE.

TOLD ME TO TAKE MELISSA AND HAVE THE TIME OF OUR LIVES.

WHICH MELISSA COULD USE. OH, YEAH?

YEAH, SHE'S, UH, TRYING TO FIND A JOB.

IT'S ROUGH OUT THERE. SHE'S ALL STRESSED.

WHY'S SHE NEED TO WORK?

WELL, SHE DOESN'T NEED TO WORK.

SHE WANTS TO WORK.

YOU PUT THAT ON THE LIST OF REASONS

I'LL NEVER UNDERSTAND WOMEN.

THEY "WANT" TO WORK.

[ LAUGHS ]

HEY, I GOT SOME STUFF OF YOURS THAT I FOUND IN THE GARAGE.

WHAT DO YOU GOT?

JUST SOME GOLF THINGS.

OH, YEAH? I'M NOT SURE WHAT ELSE

IS IN HERE.

LET'S SEE? OH, LOOK AT THIS.

CHECK THIS OUT. I REMEMBER THESE.

MY LUCKY SHOES.

YEAH, I CAME PRETTY CLOSE TO THROWING THOSE OUT.

OH, NO.

NO, NO, NO. YOU CAN'T DO THAT.

HEY, ARE YOU COMING TO THE BARBECUE?

UM, YEAH. YEAH, I'M GONNA COME BY.

GOOD.

SO, UH...HOW'S HAROLD?

HE'S GOOD. GOOD.

GOOD. YEAH. SEEMS LIKE A GOOD GUY.

HE'S NOT GONNA BE THERE.

OOH, GOOD. [ BOTH CHUCKLE ]

ALL RIGHT, SO, WHAT DO I DO? SHOULD I BRING SOMETHING?

OH, NO, NO.

I GOT IT COVERED. ALL RIGHT.

HEY, WE CAN, UH, TOAST OUR NEW OFFICIALNESS.

[ CHUCKLES ] YEAH, RIGHT.

OKAY. [ CAR DOOR CLOSES ]

[ ENGINE TURNS OVER ]

Lawrence: CREEPIN' UP.

Marcus: [ CHUCKLES ] YEAH, WELL, WALK AROUND WITH THAT HAIRCUT

AND CUSTOMERS FEEL SORRY FOR YOU.

[ ALL CHUCKLE ] YEAH.

BAD HAIR. Hey, got this one.

EXCUSE ME, GENTLEMEN, BUT I BELIEVE I'M UP.

OH, SHIT!

HEY, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

IT WORKS BETTER IF YOU ACTUALLY WALK TOWARDS CUSTOMERS, TER.

THAT'S MY AGENT.

OH, THAT'S GOOD.

HEY, SO WHAT'S THE PROBLEM, HOLLYWOOD? GO SELL HIM A CAR.

NO, I CAN'T GO OUT THERE.

I DON'T WANT HIM TO SEE ME LIKE THIS.

YOU MEAN, LIKE US?

YEAH, YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU AIN'T GEORGE CLOONEY, SON.

ALL RIGHT, GET YOUR SORRY ASS OUT THERE.

YOU'RE RIGHT. WHAT AM I DOING?

I'M EMBARRASSED TO BE A SALESMAN?

HE'S AN AGENT.

TERRY ELLIOT!

PHIL. HOW YOU BEEN, MAN?

I BARELY RECOGNIZED YOU IN THAT SUIT.

YEAH, WELL, YOU KNOW, GOES WITH THE TERRITORY.

SO, UH, WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?

ARE YOU LOOKING TO BUY A CAR OR...

NO.

UH, THE CRAZIEST THING CAME ACROSS MY DESK FOR YOU.

I, UH -- I DIDN'T HAVE YOUR INFO,

BUT I HEARD YOU WERE WORKING HERE.

YEAH.

WELL, ANYWAY, YOU REMEMBER YEARS AGO,

THOSE OLD TV-DINNER COMMERCIALS?

YOU WORE THAT SOMBRERO, KIND OF SILLY.

YEAH. YEAH, I REMEMBER.

WELL, APPARENTLY, THEY GOT LIKE TEN MILLION HITS ON YouTube,

AND THE COMPANY WANTS TO BRING YOU BACK.

WHAT? WHY?

TEN MILLION HITS.

LOOK, IT'S WORTH CHECKING OUT.

IT'S NOT LIKE YOU EVEN HAVE TO AUDITION.

LOOK, PHIL, I'M NOT REALLY INTERESTED

IN, UM, BEEFING UP MY SOMBRERO REEL, OKAY?

WELL, THIS IS A REALLY GOOD IDEA.

IT'S 20 YEARS LATER. YOU GUYS HAVE KIDS NOW.

WHOA. W-WHAT A MINUTE.

THEY WANT ERIN TO DO THIS THING, TOO?

THEY WANT YOU BOTH. I THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT.

NATIONAL SPOT -- MONEY. WHO KNOWS?

IT MIGHT BE THE CHANCE TO GET THINGS GOING AGAIN.

LET'S DO IT.

[ LAUGHS ] ALL RIGHT!

I'LL SET UP THE MEETING.

BY THE WAY, THEY'RE HAVING A HECK OF A TIME FINDING --

ERIN. YEAH, SHE'S ACTUALLY NOT ACTING ANYMORE.

YOU WANT TO GIVE ME HER NUMBER?

NO.

NO, I'LL -- I'LL CALL HER.

[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]

YOU GUYS SEE THAT?

WHAT?

WE ORDERED. YOU SAID THE PHILLY SUB, RIGHT?

THOSE WOMEN. I HELD THE DOOR OPEN FOR THEM --

NOT EVEN A GLANCE.

SO?

WELL, IT USED TO BE AN OCCASIONAL WOMAN

WOULD CHECK ME OUT.

NO.

YEAH, MAN. I USED TO BE HOT.

NO. NO.

YOU WERE LUKEWARM ONCE.

50 POUNDS AGO, YOU WERE LUKEWARM.

NO, I-I WAS HOT, BUT THAT -- THAT'S NOT EVEN IT.

WHAT IT IS, IS

THERE'S A WHOLE GROUP OF WOMEN,

LET'S SAY IN THEIR 20s, A WHOLE GENERATION OF WOMEN

WHO I'M -- I'M NOT EVEN ON THEIR RADAR.

I'M JUST INVISIBLE, YOU KNOW?

THEY JUST LOOK RIGHT THROUGH ME.

THEY PROBABLY LOOK HALFWAY THROUGH YOU

AND THEN THEY HAVE TO REST A LITTLE.

[ BOTH LAUGH ]

WHAT DO YOU CARE ANYWAY?

YOU'RE A MARRIED MAN.

YEAH, AT LEAST YOU'RE NOT THE DEFENDANT.

AND WE'RE BACK. YEAH.

WHAT'S HE TALKING ABOUT?

HE'S USING HIS SPECIAL SUPER-OBSESSING POWERS TO --

WILL YOU TELL HIM? I-I CAN'T DO IT JUSTICE.

LOOK, SONIA AND I WENT TO MEDIATION,

AND NOW I'M THE DEFENDANT.

WELL, WHAT'S THAT MEAN?

NOTHING. IT MEANS NOTHING.

IT'S THE WORD -- "DEFENDANT," RIGHT?

I MEAN, IT SOUNDS LIKE I'M THE BAD GUY.

I GUESS.

SO SHE'S, WHAT, THE PLAINTIFF?

YEAH. RIGHT? IT'S --

LOOK, I KNOW IT'S GONNA SOUND STUPID,

BUT IF WE'RE GONNA GET TECHNICAL HERE,

SHE'S THE ONE WHO HAD THE AFFAIR.

COME ON, JOE.

I THINK YOU SHOULD JUST, YOU KNOW, BE HAPPY

THAT THIS IS BEHIND YOU, YOU KNOW?

YES, YES.

OKAY, SO WE'RE COOL WITH 20 YEARS OF MARRIAGE ENDING

IN A CRIMINAL RECORD?

OKAY, GOT IT.

GOOD.

LISTEN, UM, DAY AFTER TOMORROW,

I MAY BE A LITTLE LATE COMING IN.

OKAY. WHAT FOR?

YOU KNOW THOSE OLD COMMERCIALS THE GUYS AT WORK

HAVE BEEN GIVING ME SHIT ABOUT?

MM-HMM.

THEY WANT TO REMAKE THEM.

WHY?

I KNOW, BUT, UM...

WELL, THEY GOT THIS TONGUE-IN-CHEEK IDEA --

SO YOU JUST STARTED SELLING CARS

AND NOW YOU'RE GOING BACK TO ACTING?

LOOK, I AM COMPLETELY AT THOREAU, OKAY?

BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN THAT I CAN'T, OCCASIONALLY,

EXPLORE ACTING JOBS, RIGHT?

OH, GOD. YOU'RE TOTALLY GONNA SCREW ME, AREN'T YOU?

NO, I AM NOT.

I JUST PUT MYSELF WAY THE HELL OUT ON SHIT BOULEVARD

TO GET YOU THIS JOB,

AND NOW THAT YOU'RE FINALLY LEARNING HOW TO DO IT,

AND GOODBYE?

I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF I'M GONNA DO IT, OKAY?

I THOUGHT IT MIGHT BE EASY MONEY,

AND I'M HELPING OUT A FRIEND.

YOU'RE HURTING A FRIEND. NOT YOU.

A GIRL.

[ Chuckling ] OH, OKAY.

A GIRL.

WHAT DO YOU GOT, ANOTHER 25-YEAR-OLD?

NO, NO, OUR AGE. OUR AGE?

HMM, THAT'S REPULSIVE.

LOOK, SHE HASN'T ACTED IN A LONG TIME.

SHE PROBABLY COULD USE THE MONEY.

THEY NEED BOTH OF US TO DO THIS.

I THOUGHT I WOULD BE A GOOD GUY.

AH, SEE? NOW YOU'RE THE DEFENDANT, RIGHT?

HOW'S THAT FEEL, MacGYVER?

IT LOOKS THAT WAY NOW, BUT YOU'RE GONNA FIND A JOB.

I'M JUST SAYING I STARTED OUT WITH SOME STANDARDS.

I MEAN, NOW I'M JUST APPLYING FOR EVERYTHING

WITH THE WORD "WRITING" IN IT --

PROOFREADER, WINE BLOGGER.

SIX HOURS I WAS ON CRAIGSLIST YESTERDAY,

AND ONE WOMAN E-MAILS ME BACK, FROM VEGETARIAN TIMES.

I HAVE A PHONE INTERVIEW TOMORROW.

WELL, SEE, THAT'S GOOD.

[ SIGHS ] YEAH, UNTIL I TELL HER I'VE BEEN A MOM FOR 10 YEARS.

WELL, PUT IT A DIFFERENT WAY.

WELL, I'VE TRIED.

"PERSONAL TIME," "SABBATICAL."

LET'S JUST FACE IT -- I'M BEYOND IRRELEVANT.

[ LOCK WHIRRING ] MAYBE I SHOULD JUST SAY

I JUST GOT OUT OF JAIL.

THAT SOUNDS MORE INTERESTING.

AND WHY AM I HERE, ANYWAY?

YOU KNOW, WE PAY JENNY ALL THAT MONEY

TO STAY WITH THE KIDS.

I JUST FOUND THIS NEW SITE. I COULD BE RESEARCHING...

YOU DESERVE A VACATION.

AND -- AND I'M NOT TRYING TO SAY

THAT YOU SHOULDN'T BE OUT THERE LOOKING FOR A JOB, BUT...

[ CHUCKLES ]

THIS WEEKEND...

I AM THE KING OF THOREAU CHEVROLET,

AND YOU ARE ITS QUEEN.

AND YOU WILL BE TREATED AS SUCH.

OH!

YES, MY KING.

[ LAUGHS ]

[ BOTH LAUGH ]

THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKIN' ABOUT!

MY SEXY BEAR.

[ LAUGHS ]

NOW, SEE, I'M THINKING MORE LIKE A JAGUAR, YOU KNOW,

OR A PANTHER OR [GROWLS]

[ GROWLS ] JUST...MM!

WE OUGHT TO SHOW THIS BED A THING OR TWO.

[ Laughing ] YOU BETTER WATCH YOURSELF.

YOU BETTER WATCH YOURSELF, WOMAN.

[ SIGHS ]

'CAUSE I'M COMING FOR YOU.

LIKE A PANTHER.

[ SNORING ]

ARRIBA! ARRIBA!

DELICIOSO!

ARRIBA! ARRIBA!

HONEY, I'M HUNGRY!

[ Ringing ]

ERIN: Hi, It's Erin. Leave me a message.

[ Beep ]

YEAH, HEY, ERIN. IT'S TERRY.

I WAS JUST...CHECKING IN,

SEE IF YOU GOT MY MESSAGE ABOUT THAT COMMERCIAL THING.

UM, BECAUSE, UH, YOU KNOW, IT SOUNDS LIKE A LOT OF FUN.

AND I JUST THOUGHT I WOULD, YOU KNOW, TRY YOU AGAIN,

AND MAYBE YOU'RE OUT OF TOWN

OR YOU GOT MY MESSAGE AND YOU ALREADY LEFT ME A MESSAGE

AND I JUST HAVEN'T SORT OF...

SO, ANYWAY, UM, CALL ME BACK.

[ CELLPHONE CHIMES ]

OKAY.

"NOT MY THING, BUT HAVE FUN."

HOW ABOUT...

OH, DAMN IT.

NO.

[ CELLPHONE CHIMES ]

[ CHUCKLES ]

TALK...

MM...

[ CELLPHONE CHIMES ]

[ LAUGHS ]

DELICIOSO!

ARRIBA! ARRIBA!

[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]

I'M SORRY I FELL ASLEEP LAST NIGHT.

OH, JUST MAKES YOU MORE RESTED FOR TONIGHT, SWEETHEART.

YOU GOT THAT RIGHT.

UM...OWEN THOREAU.

HMM. I DON'T SEE YOU.

I'M A DEALER, SO, UM...

WAIT, YOUR NAME IS HERE,

BUT IT SAYS YOU'RE ALREADY CHECKED IN.

UM...

YOU GONNA WASTE THE WHOLE MORNING DILLYDALLYING?

YOUR MOTHER AND I CHECKED IN HOURS AGO.

DADDY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? I THOUGHT YOU WEREN'T COMING.

I WASN'T.

BUT YOUR MOTHER WASN'T HAVING IT.

I TRIED TO TELL HER THIS THING'S IN ANAHEIM THIS YEAR,

BUT SHE WANTED TO COME,

SO I CALLED JEFF AND HE SET IT UP.

GOT OURSELVES A NICE SUITE, TOO.

THERE MUST HAVE BEEN SOME SORT OF A MIX-UP.

MY FATHER MUST HAVE GOTTEN MY CREDENTIALS.

WE HAVE THE SAME NAME.

I CAN TRY TO ISSUE YOU A NEW PASS, BUT I'LL NEED A MANAGER.

YOU GONNA LET SOME LITTLE GIRL

IN A PLASTIC BADGE PUSH YOU AROUND?

DADDY, LET ME HANDLE THIS.

I'LL GET MY MANAGER.

YOU CAN'T BE SOFT WITH STUPID PEOPLE.

NOW, YOU READY TO HAVE SOME FUN?

WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED?

[ SIGHS ]

HMM.

NOT GOOD TODAY.

NO.

NO, I GOT A LOT ON MY MIND TODAY.

[ SIGHS ]

YOU KNOW WHAT? IT'S SLOW, RIGHT?

I'M GONNA GO -- I'M GONNA GO HOME, CHANGE MY CLOTHES,

AND HIT A BUCKET OF BALLS AT THE RANGE.

JUST, UM, TELL MARIA I'LL BE BACK IN LIKE AN HOUR.

OKAY.

SUDHEER?

HI.

WHAT THE...

DAD, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

UM... OKAY, DON'T FREAK OUT.

YEAH, I'M -- I'M...

SUDHEER, YOU GOT TO GO HOME.

Sudheer: OKAY.

LOOK, LUCY...

ALL RIGHT, HOW LONG -- CAN WE TALK ABOUT

THIS LATER?

I HAVE AP BIO IN 10 MINUTES.

[ DOOR CLOSES ]

SORRY.

I'M -- I'M SO SORRY.

YEAH, THAT'S NOT IT.

OH, SORRY. I DON'T KNOW WHICH --

YEAH, THAT WAY. OH, OKAY.

BYE, LUCY.

Lucy: DAD, I'M GOING TO SCHOOL.

HEY, WE'RE TALKING ABOUT THIS!

DON'T THINK WE'RE NOT TALKING ABOUT THIS!

THERE SHE IS. OUR FUTURE -- THE VOLT.

CAN GO 40 MILES ON A CHARGE, ALL ELECTRIC,

AND STILL GO 300 MORE ON A GAS-POWERED GENERATOR.

IT'S A GAME CHANGER.

Bernie: I REMEMBER WHEN THERE WAS NO ELECTRICITY!

[ LAUGHS ]

BERNIE BUSEN, SON OF A GUN!

HELLO, DARLING. GOOD TO SEE YOU.

LOU SALMASSI -- STILL ONLY FOUR FOOT TALL.

YOU GOT IT. HOW YA DOIN', OWEN?

GOOD, GOOD, GOOD.

HOW'S BUSINESS?

WELL, DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU BOYS,

BUT MY SALES HAVE NEVER BEEN BETTER.

NOW I KNOW YOU'RE FULL OF SHIT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

BY THE WAY, HAVE YOU MET MY SON?

OH! CHIP OFF THE OLD BLOCK.

HEY. TALL LIKE YOUR POP.

YOU A BALLPLAYER, TOO? WELL...

NAH, NEVER WAS MUCH OF AN ATHLETE, THIS ONE.

DIDN'T HAVE THE REFLEXES.

HE'D EAT AN ATHLETE'S BREAKFAST, NEVER BURNED IT OFF.

[ LAUGHTER ]

EDNA, YVONNE, THIS IS MY DAUGHTER-IN-LAW, MELISSA.

OH, IT'S NICE TO MEET YOU.

LOVE YOUR OUTFIT. IT'S TARGET.

REALLY? YOU'D NEVER KNOW.

WELL, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU GIRLS,

BUT I AM HALF ASLEEP WITH THIS CAR TALK.

WHY DON'T WE GO AND MINGLE?

COME ON, DARLING.

UH, HEY, UH, DADDY, UM, I KNOW THERE'S STUFF TO DO,

UM, BUT MELISSA AND I WERE KIND OF HOPING

FOR A CHANCE TO, YOU KNOW, RELAX A LITTLE.

THIS IS NETWORKING, SON.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT MELISSA. SHE CAN TAKE CARE OF HERSELF.

YEAH.

[ ELVIS' "CAN'T HELP FALLING IN LOVE" PLAYS ]

♪ WISE MEN SAY ♪

♪ ONLY FOOLS... ♪

CAN WE GET THE SHOO SHEE FISH FILLET,

SOME KHAO MOK KAI,

AND SOME POOJA?

THAT'LL DO IT.

I DON'T SEE THAT ON THE MENU.

IT'S NOT THERE. THANK YOU.

[ CHUCKLES ] WHO ARE YOU?

OH, WELL, THIS IS THE PART WHERE I CHANGE INTO

MY NATIVE THAI COSTUME.

"HONEY, I'M HUNGRY!" OH, GOD, TERRY, PLEASE.

THOSE COMMERCIALS WERE TERRIBLE.

NO, THEY --

MY FAMILY NEVER LET ME LIVE THEM DOWN.

WELL, NOW WE'RE IN ON THE JOKE.

YEAH, NO.

SERIOUSLY, I CAN'T.

ACTING MADE ME AN INSECURE MESS.

I WAS SO WORRIED ABOUT AGING.

I STARTED SLEEPING WITH MY EYEBROWS TAPED --

SCOTCH-TAPED LIKE THIS SO I WOULDN'T SCOWL IN MY SLEEP.

I-I WENT THROUGH A PHASE

WHERE I WOULD ONLY BUY GIANT COLLARS

BECAUSE SOMEBODY TOLD ME, YOU KNOW, I HAD A BIG CHIN.

AND I WAS WORRIED ABOUT THAT.

[ CHUCKLES ]

I REMEMBER THE MOMENT THAT I DECIDED TO JUST GET OUT.

I WAS IN A CASTING DIRECTOR'S OFFICE,

AND THIS WOMAN LOOKED AT ME IN THE EYE, AND SHE SAID,

"HONEY, THERE ARE THINGS THAT HAPPEN TO A WOMAN'S FACE AT 35

AND THEY'VE ALREADY HAPPENED TO YOURS."

♪ TAKE MY HAND ♪

YOU GOT A GREAT FACE.

♪ TAKE MY WHOLE LIFE, TOO ♪

[ BOTH LAUGH ] HE WAS JUST SO ADORABLE.

[ CHUCKLES ]

REMIND ME AGAIN, WOULD YOU?

WHY NOTHING EVER HAPPENED BETWEEN US

BACK WHEN WE WERE WORKING TOGETHER?

WELL, I TOLD YOU, I DON'T DATE ACTORS.

OH.

OH, YEAH, NO.

SORRY, NO. OH.

WOW. NO, IT'S -- I'M --

I'M SORT OF SEEING SOMEONE.

OKAY. I'M CONFUSED. I KNOW.

I-I -- I'M SEEING SOMEBODY.

I MEAN, WE'RE ON A BREAK, BUT I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S OFFICIAL,

AND IT WOULDN'T BE RIGHT BECAUSE IT'S JUST A LONG TIME WITH HIM.

NOT TO SAY THAT I'M --

OH, I'M SORRY.

NO, NO. IT'S -- IT'S -- OKAY, GOOD NIGHT.

[ DOOR CLOSES ]

OH, TER, IT WAS -- IT WAS FUN, THOUGH, SO...THANKS.

[ DOOR CLOSES ]

OH, JUST SO WE'RE CLEAR,

I-I DON'T WANT TO DO THE COMMERCIAL.

SORRY.

[ DOOR CLOSES ]

DID YOU SEE SOME OF THOSE WOMEN YOUR MOTHER'S HANGING OUT WITH?

I'VE NEVER SEEN SO MUCH BLING AND BOTOX IN MY LIFE.

IT'S LIKE "THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF CHEVROLET."

OH, COME ON. IT'S NOT THAT BAD.

WELL, IT'S JUST CONFIRMING HOW MUCH I NEED TO GO BACK TO WORK.

I CAN'T BELIEVE HOW EXCITED I AM

FOR A PHONE INTERVIEW FROM A CRAIGSLIST AD.

AND I AM SPENDING THE REST OF THIS TRIP WITH YOU.

END OF STORY.

MM.

SAYS HERE WE GOT A BANQUET TOMORROW.

THAT'S GONNA SUCK.

[ SIGHS ]

THANKS.

SO, YOU WALKED IN ON HER BOYFRIEND PEEING?

[ CHUCKLES ]

LOOK, I KNOW IT SOUNDS FUNNY...

[ CHUCKLES ] AND, YEAH, THAT PART --

THAT'S A LITTLE FUNNY.

BUT THE WHOLE THING -- VERY NOT FUNNY.

OKAY. NO, IT'S REALLY --

IT'S NOT FUNNY.

HA HA. NO.

ALL RIGHT, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?

I DON'T KNOW.

I HAVEN'T TOLD HER MOTHER YET, 'CAUSE I JUST --

I WANT TO TALK TO HER FIRST ABOUT IT, YOU KNOW?

AND THEN WE'LL FIGURE IT OUT.

YEAH, THAT SOUNDS GOOD.

OOH. I GOTTA GO.

WHAT? I GOT TO SEE THE AD PEOPLE

ABOUT THAT COMMERCIAL.

OH, YEAH.

YOU STILL PRETENDING YOU'RE DOING THAT AS A FAVOR

FOR YOUR FRIEND, THE OLD LADY?

ERIN IS OUR AGE, OKAY?

AND, ACTUALLY, SHE'S NOT DOING THE COMMERCIAL.

AND YOU'RE STILL DOING IT?

YEAH.

[ CHUCKLES ] OH, GOD. WELL, I GUESS OWEN WAS RIGHT.

NO, NO. I'M NOT GONNA SCREW HIM.

YEAH, OKAY.

HEY, LOOK, YOU AND HE NEED TO UNDERSTAND SOMETHING, OKAY?

I'M AN ACTOR.

I MAY BE A CAR SALESMAN AT THE MOMENT, BUT I'M AN ACTOR.

AND I WILL ALWAYS BE AN ACTOR.

IT'S IN MY BLOOD. IT'S WHAT I LIKE TO DO.

I'M AN ACTOR, OKAY?

OKAY, ALL RIGHT. GEEZ, YEAH, YOU'RE AN ACTOR.

GOTTA GO.

BOY, YOU ACTOR TYPES ARE EMOTIONAL.

[ TELEPHONE RINGS ]

[ ELEVATOR BELL DINGS ]

HI.

UM, I'M HERE TO SEE MANNY KUSHNICK.

ARRIBA! ARRIBA!

[ Chuckling ] OKAY.

SORRY. YOU MUST BE SICK OF THAT.

NO, NO. NO. IT'S... ANYWAY, MR. ELLIOT,

THEY'LL BE READY FOR YOU GUYS IN JUST ONE MINUTE.

OH, ACTUALLY, IT'S JUST ME.

UH, NO. YOUR WIFE IS HERE ALREADY.

SORRY. HI.

I WAS GONNA CALL YOU.

I JUST, YOU KNOW, STARTED THINKING ABOUT IT,

AND IT'S A LOT OF MONEY,

AND, YOU KNOW, I'M A TEACHER ON A PUBLIC-SCHOOL SALARY.

WHO AM I KIDDING, RIGHT? OKAY.

OKAY, THEN.

GREAT. [ SIGHS ]

AND...I OWE YOU AN APOLOGY.

OH, NO, NO.

I COMPLETELY MISREAD THE SITUATION, SO...

THEY'RE READY FOR YOU IF YOU WANT TO FOLLOW ME.

OKAY.

YOU GOOD? YES.

YOU GUYS ARE SO CUTE TOGETHER.

[ Chuckling ] OH, THA--

THANKS.

Melissa: OH, NO, NO, NO, NO.

I'M -- I'M -- I'M SORRY. I CAN'T HELP IT.

I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY.

THOUGHT YOU GUYS WERE GONNA SLEEP ALL MORNING.

COME OVER HERE, SON. OVER HERE.

HERE, HONEY. SIT DOWN.

I WAS JUST TELLING THE GIRLS

THAT THE SALESMAN AT THE GIFT SHOP HERE

THOUGHT MY BALENCIAGA WAS A FAKE.

AND I SAID, "YOU BETTER NOT TELL THAT TO MY HUSBAND."

[ LAUGHTER, GLASS CLINKING ]

UM, AS LONG AS WE ARE GATHERED HERE,

I'D LIKE TO SAY A FEW WORDS.

I'VE KNOWN YOU GUYS FOR MORE YEARS THAN I CARE TO REMEMBER.

YOU ARE, IN MY ESTIMATION, THE BEST IN THE BUSINESS,

AND I'D LIKE TO COUNT MYSELF IN THAT CATEGORY,

BUT AS LONG AS WE'RE HERE CELEBRATING THE FUTURE OF CARS,

I THINK IT IMPORTANT TO ACKNOWLEDGE

THAT SOME OF US ARE... ANTIQUES.

[ LAUGHTER ]

WHAT WAS THE FUTURE IS NOW THE PRESENT --

MY SON.

HE'S PUT IN A LOT OF YEARS WITH ME.

I'M NOT ALWAYS THE EASIEST GUY TO WORK WITH.

I'M LUCKY TO HAVE HIM AS THE NEW FACE OF THOREAU CHEVROLET.

[ APPLAUSE ]

WELL, STAND UP, SON. SAY A FEW WORDS.

UM...

THANKS, DADDY.

UM, IT'S, UH...

IT'S, UH -- IT'S NICE TO FINALLY MEET YOU ALL.

UM...

UH...

I GUESS I'M THE NEW MODEL THOREAU.

UM, THERE'S NOT AS MANY -- MANY MILES ON THIS ONE,

BUT AS YOU CAN SEE,

THEY HAVEN'T REALLY STREAMLINED THE DESIGN, SO...

[ LAUGHTER ]

UM, BUT SERIOUSLY, FOLKS,

IT'S GREAT TO BE HERE WITH YOU.

AND, UM...

AND, DADDY, I KNOW HOW HARD YOU'VE WORKED,

AND I JUST HOPE THAT I CAN DO YOU PROUD.

HEAR, HEAR.

LET'S EAT UP QUICK, SON.

YOU AND I GOT A LOT OF WORK AHEAD OF US.

DON'T WORRY, SWEETHEART.

WE'RE GOING TO SPEND THE ENTIRE DAY AT THE SPA.

Woman: MM.

[ NOTES PLAY ]

HI.

HEY.

WHERE -- WHERE YOU GOING?

I JUST CAME HOME FOR A SECOND. I'M GOING OUT AGAIN.

YEAH, I KNOW, BUT I WANT TO -- I THINK WE SHOULD --

LUCY, CAN WE TALK A MINUTE?

LUCY...

I'M LATE TO MEET MEGAN.

LOOK, LISTEN, CAN YOU GIVE ME A MINUTE, PLEASE?

FINE, GO AHEAD.

[ OFF-KEY NOTES PLAY ]

ALL RIGHT, LOOK... ABOUT YESTERDAY...

YOU CAN'T BE DOING THAT THING IN MY HOUSE.

I KNOW. I SAID I'M SORRY.

AND ALSO...

JUST -- I'M NOT HAPPY...

HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN --

SUDHEER AND I ARE TOTALLY IN LOVE.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE PROBLEM IS, OKAY?

DID YOU EXPECT ME TO GO TO COLLEGE A VIRGIN?

WHY NOT?

I WAS 22 WHEN... FIRST TIME.

[ Sarcastically ] OKAY, DAD.

NO, REALLY, I WAS.

AW, DAD.

ALL RIGHT, LOOK, WE'RE GONNA ESTABLISH GROUND RULES HERE

'CAUSE, UH...

NO BOYS IN THE HOUSE WHEN I'M NOT HERE.

FINE.

AND YOU CAN'T USE MY CONDOMS.

EW.

OH, MY GOD. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

WELL, I KNOW ALBERT DIDN'T TAKE THEM.

UGH. THAT IS SO GROSS!

ARE WE DONE? CAN I GO?

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. LOOK, COME ON.

NO, I WANT TO TALK ABOUT THIS SOME MORE.

WE JUST DID, AND, ANYWAY, IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.

NONE OF MY --

NONE OF MY BUSINESS?

HO-- HOLD ON. WHERE YOU GOING?

TO MEET MEGAN. NO, YOU'RE NOT!

WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF SOMETHING.

I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT IT, DAD.

YES, YOU ARE! YOU HAVE TO TALK ABOUT THIS!

WELL, I'M NOT! I'M NOT.

I DON'T WANT TO, DAD. I'M GOING OUT.

YOU'RE NOT -- YOU CAN'T GO OUT! YOU'RE GROUNDED!

WHAT?! YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.

FOR A WEEK, OKAY?

AND NO CAR.

FINE! I'M GOING TO MOM'S, ANYWAY.

WELL, YOU'RE GROUNDED OVER THERE, TOO.

YOU CAN'T GROUND ME AT ANOTHER HOUSE!

I HAVE TO GO TO THE BARBECUE!

WELL, YOU'RE NOT GOING TO THAT.

IT'S IN THE BACKYARD.

GOOD, GOOD, GOOD,

THEN MAYBE YOU'LL WATCH IT FROM YOUR WINDOW.

OH, MY GOD! WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?!

Albert: HEY, DAD, IS THIS THE BLUES?!

[ OFF-KEY NOTES PLAY ]

OH, MELISSA, YOU SHOULD FEEL HOW SMOOTH IT IS.

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU HAD YOUR FEET WAXED?

WELL, THIS IS ACTUALLY MY FIRST TIME.

MY DEAR, YOU DESERVE SOME PAMPERING.

WE ALL DO.

THIS IS THE HIGHLIGHT OF MY YEAR.

[ GASPS ] MY GOD.

WHAT'S WRONG? MY INTERVIEW.

OH, NO, NO, NO, NO.

MELISSA, HONEY, YOUR NAILS. MELISSA.

SHIT, SHIT, SHIT!

STUPID RECEPTION! DAMN IT!

WHAT HAPPENED?

[ ENGINE REVVING ]

FOR AN OLD MAN, YOU SURE DRIVE LIKE AN OLD LADY.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. I'M GONNA MAKE IT UP ON THE BACK STRETCH.

YEAH. OH!

STAY OFF THE GRASS, MAN.

DAMN LOW BANKING, THIS THING IS --

HERE WE GO! HERE WE GO! HERE WE GO!

OH!

STILL GOT THEM REFLEXES, THOUGH, DON'T I?

[ CHUCKLES ]

LET'S SEE WHAT YOU GOT, HOT SHOT.

HERE'S WHAT I GOT, OLD MAN.

YEAH! OH, NO, NO, NO, NO!

WHOO!

NO, NO, NO, NO.

WHO'S GOT THE REFLEXES NOW? YES!

HI, TINA. THIS IS MELISSA THOREAU.

I THINK I MAY HAVE MISSED YOUR CALL.

I HAD BAD RECEPTION, BUT I'M -- BUT I'M ON A LANDLINE NOW.

SO, ANYWAY, OKAY, SO I'LL -- I'LL -- I'LL CALL YOU LATER.

[ RECEIVER CLICKS ]

Sharon: DO YOU THINK WE SHOULD GO TO THE JADE ROOM?

OH, NO, NO. LET'S HEAD OVER TO THE HOT POOLS.

HOW'S THAT?

HE SAYS HE'S GONNA RETIRE.

I KNOW. BERNIE SAYS THE SAME THING,

BUT HE WOULDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH HIMSELF.

THAT'S WHO HE IS.

LISTEN, I JUST WANT TO GO GET A LITTLE MORE OF

THAT CUCUMBER WATER.

[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATION ]

[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]

Hi, it's Tina. Leave a message.

HI, TINA. THIS IS MELISSA THOREAU.

I-I JUST WANTED TO TRY YOU AGAIN.

GUESS WE MISSED EACH OTHER.

SO, GO AHEAD AND GIVE ME A CALL WHEN YOU HAVE A CHANCE

AND -- AND WE'LL TRY TO RESCHEDULE.

THANKS.

MAKING BUSINESS CALLS?

'CAUSE, YOU KNOW, THIS IS A WORK-FREE ZONE.

OH. [ CHUCKLES ]

I MISSED THIS...INTERVIEW.

I WAS BUSY GETTING MY FEET WAXED.

WELL, AT LEAST YOU GOT YOUR PRIORITIES STRAIGHT, HUH?

HEY, LET ME GET ANOTHER VODKA TONIC.

DID YOU WANT SOMETHING?

HOW EARLY IS TOO EARLY FOR A MARGARITA?

IT'S 3:00. ARE YOU KIDDING? YOU'RE ALL SET.

A MARGARITA FOR THE LADY. LET'S GO.

SO, ARE YOU ALL HERE FOR THE CONVENTION, TOO?

DRAGGED HERE BY MY HUSBAND.

SO WE'RE HIDING OUT AND WE'RE GETTING DRUNK.

AH.

WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT SOONER?

[ LAUGHTER ]

SO, TELL ME... OH, THANK YOU.

WHAT IS IT THAT YOU DO?

I JUST GOT OUT OF JAIL.

[ LAUGHTER ]

Man: LOOK, THIS IS THE AMOUNT I'M PREPARED TO PAY.

Lawrence: SIR, I HEAR WHERE YOU'RE COMING FROM, PRICE-WISE,

BUT THE MODEL YOU'RE LOOKING AT IS REALLY POPULAR.

YOU WANT TO ROB ME?

TAKE IT! I GIVE UP!

[ SIGHS ]

[ CELLPHONE VIBRATES ]

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH YOU GUYS. I COME IN HERE.

I GET A DIFFERENT GUY WHO TELLS ME DIFFERENT NUMBERS.

HEY, PHIL. WHAT'S THE WORD?

LOOK, TERRY, I HATE MAKING THIS PHONE CALL.

LISTEN, THEY LIKED YOU, BUT...

IT'S NOT GONNA GO ANY FURTHER.

WOW, YOU ARE ONE BITTER PRICK.

NAH, I'M JUST MESSING WITH YOU.

POP SOME CHAMPAGNE, BROTHER. YOU JUST BOOKED YOURSELF A JOB!

YOU SON OF A BITCH.

[ CHUCKLES ] Oh, man.

GOOD. THAT'S GREAT. THAT'S GREAT. THAT'S GREAT NEWS.

HEY, DID YOU CALL ERIN YET? 'CAUSE I CAN --

WHOA, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

WHAT?

They said they want to go with somebody younger.

YOU KNOW, WHATEVER, HOTTER.

YOU KNOW HOW THESE AD PEOPLE ARE.

YOU'RE KIDDING ME, RIGHT? RIGHT?

'CAUSE SHE'S YOUNGER THAN ME.

YEAH, WELL, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?

I mean, it's different for men.

THEY THINK YOU'RE FUNNY, TERRY.

THEY FIGURE IT'S GONNA BE WACKY DAD AND HIS HOT DAUGHTER.

YOU KNOW THE DEAL.

Look, it's a good gig, Terry.

It's only gonna lead to more work.

You'll be out of that car dealership in no time.

DID YOU CALL ERIN YET?

MY NEXT CALL.

WHY? YOU WANT TO TELL HER?

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY, HUH?

I MEAN, THIS IS BULLSHIT.

[ SIGHS ]

YEAH, I'LL CALL HER.

DAMN IT!

YOU KNOW WHAT YOU SHOULD DO?

YOU SHOULD KISS ME.

YOU KNOW WHY YOU SHOULD KISS ME?

BECAUSE I'M SCREWING YOU?

BECAUSE YOU'RE SCREWING ME! RIGHT.

[ ROCK MUSIC PLAYS ]

Albert: "PEEVISH."

"GINGIVITIS."

NO, NO, NO, NO. TRY ANOTHER ONE.

TRY ANOTHER ONE.

HERE, LET ME DO IT. LET ME DO IT.

[ LAUGHS ]

HEY, HEY, DAD. WE'RE MESSING AROUND WITH NEW BAND NAMES.

JUST -- JUST POINT YOUR FINGER AT ANY WORD,

AND THEN THAT'S GONNA BE OUR BAND NAME.

YEAH, UH, I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

MOM'S INSIDE? YEAH.

HEY, MR. TRANELLI.

HEY.

HEY, SUDHEER.

EXCUSE ME.

[ DOOR CLOSES ]

OH. HEY.

HEY, UH, WHAT'S LUCY DOING OUT THERE?

JOE, YOU CAN'T JUST LEAVE A MESSAGE

AND EXPECT ME TO CANCEL SOMETHING LIKE THIS

ON THE SPUR OF THE MOMENT.

I'VE HAD THIS PLANNED FOR A MONTH.

SHE'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE OUT THERE, OKAY?

DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT SHE DID?

YES.

AND I AGREE THAT SHE SHOULD BE PUNISHED

FOR SNEAKING INTO YOUR HOUSE.

BUT YOU CAN'T JUST ARBITRARILY --

WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER THING, OKAY?

SHE DIDN'T JUST SNEAK INTO MY HOUSE.

YEAH. SHE --

BUT...I DON'T THINK WE CAN STOP THAT, OKAY?

I MEAN, SHE AND SUDHEER...

IT'S BEEN GOING ON FOR A WHILE.

SO WHAT? YOU KNEW?

YOU KNEW SHE WAS HAVING SEX?

WELL, YEAH.

WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?

WHAT THE HELL?

HOW COME NOBODY'S TALKING TO ME?

NOBODY'S NOT TALKING TO YOU, JOE,

BUT WITH THIS...

I'M HER MOTHER. IT'S DIFFERENT.

NO, IT'S NOT. THIS IS -- IT'S FAMILY STUFF.

JOE, SHE CONFIDED IN ME.

SHE WANTED ME TO KEEP IT A SECRET.

YEAH, OKAY. WELL, SECRETS, YEAH.

'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT WE DO AROUND HERE, RIGHT?

SECRETS?

ARE YOU SERIOUS?

JUST DON'T KEEP THIS SHIT FROM ME, SONIA!

YOU KNOW WHAT, JOE? YOU NEED TO CALM DOWN.

NO, I DON'T! THIS IS NOT MY FAULT, OKAY?!

IF YOU WOULD TELL ME WHAT'S GOING ON HERE

IN THE FIRST PLACE,

THEN WE WOULDN'T HAVE AN ISSUE!

THERE IS NO ISSUE, JOE!

IT'S YOU! YOU ARE MAKING AN ISSUE!

I'M NOT THE BAD GUY, OKAY? I AM NOT THE BAD GUY!

AND I'M NOT THE DEFENDANT.

I'LL TELL YOU RIGHT NOW, I'M NOT SIGNING THAT SHIT!

I DIDN'T KNOW YOU HAD IT IN YOU. THAT'S INCREDIBLE.

HEY, THAT'S THE PRETTIEST THING I'VE SEEN ALL DAY.

DO YOU COME WITH THE CAR?

[ CHUCKLES ]

SEE? I STILL GOT IT.

HOW DO YOU DO THAT?

I'M INVISIBLE TO WOMEN.

AH, YOU'RE GETTING OLDER.

WAIT TILL YOU'RE A CRAZY OLD MAN LIKE ME.

YOU CAN SAY WHATEVER YOU WANT. YOU GET A FREE PASS, HUH?

[ BOTH CHUCKLE ]

PEOPLE HUMOR YOU.

A PRETTY WOMAN SMILES AT YOU

BECAUSE YOU REMIND HER OF HER GRANDPA.

AND YOUR GROWN SON

LETS YOU COME BY THE BUSINESS EVERY NOW AND THEN.

WAIT. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT "LETS YOU"?

THIS IS STILL YOUR BUSINESS, DADDY.

NOT AFTER NEXT WEEK.

NOW, LISTEN, I TALKED TO MY LAWYERS.

IT'S ABOUT TIME

I STARTED OFFICIALLY ENJOYING MY RETIREMENT.

MAYBE I'LL FINALLY GET ON THAT FISHING BOAT

INSTEAD OF JUST TALKING ABOUT IT.

SO THAT'S WHY YOU CAME HERE?

NO, NO, NO. IT WAS YOUR MOTHER.

OKAY, I FIGURED IF I WAS GONNA PASS THE TORCH,

I MIGHT AS WELL PASS IT IN FRONT OF EVERYBODY, HMM?

OH, THAT'S, UH...

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

JUST GET THAT SMILE OFF YOUR FACE.

BUT LISTEN, IT'S YOUR STORE,

BUT IF YOU NEED ME, I'LL BE THERE.

THANKS.

DON'T NEED ME.

[ BOTH LAUGH ]

HEY. HUH?

YOUR MOTHER SAYS,

"I DON'T CARE WHERE YOU GET YOUR APPETITE,

AS LONG AS YOU COME HOME FOR DINNER."

SPEAKING OF WHICH, WHERE IS YOUR MOTHER?

I DON'T KNOW.

Charles: HERE WE GO!

[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]

[ LAUGHTER ]

OH, YEAH.

OH, BABY!

BABY, I GOT A JOB! WHAT?

THIS IS MY NEW BOSS, CHARLES. THIS IS MY HUSBAND.

HEY. HEY.

HE WORKS FOR AMAZON, AND THEY NEED SOMEBODY

TO WRITE PRODUCT REVIEWS.

AND I CAN START NEXT WEEK. SHE IS REALLY GREAT.

[ GIGGLES ] WHICH IS ALL

I'M GONNA SAY RIGHT NOW

BECAUSE I JUST NOTICED MY WIFE JUST GOT BACK

FROM WHATEVER BORING THING YOU GUYS WERE DOING.

NICE TO MEET YOU. AND WE'LL TALK.

OKAY, THANK YOU. [ CHUCKLES ]

WOW. MM-HMM.

I GOT A J-O-B.

OH, BABY, I'M SO PROUD OF YOU.

WOW. HAD A LITTLE TEQUILA, DID YOU?

IT WAS DELICIOUS. COME ON.

HEY, LET ME GET SOME FOOD INTO YOU.

JOE.

I'M SORRY.

I'M SORRY. I JUST -- THAT WAS, UH...

IT WAS WAY OUT OF LINE, WHAT I SAID.

YOU KNOW, IT'S -- IT'S NOT --

IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU.

REMEMBER THIS?

FOUND A WHOLE BUNCH OF THOSE IN THAT BOX YOU GAVE ME.

REMEMBER I WOULD PUTT IN THE LIVING ROOM...

...AND SHE WOULD TAKE THEM AND MARK THEM UP

THEN SHE'D HAND THEM TO ME AND THEN SHE'D GO,

YOU KNOW, AND I'D HAVE TO PUTT THEM RIGHT INTO HER HANDS?

I REMEMBER.

IT'S JUST...

I FEEL LIKE IT'S ALL GOING AWAY FROM ME.

YOU WANT A BEER?

YOU KNOW, WHEN LUCY WAS LITTLE,

I THOUGHT EVERYTHING I DID WAS GONNA MESS HER UP.

[ CHUCKLES ]

REMEMBER WHEN I WAS TRYING TO BREAST-FEED

AND SHE WOULDN'T LATCH ON

AND I KEPT TELLING YOU THAT IT WAS ALL GONNA BE MY FAULT

WHEN SHE CAME OUT SCREWED UP.

AND THEN WITH THE DIVORCE,

I THOUGHT, "NOW WE'VE ACTUALLY DONE IT.

WE'VE RUINED OUR KIDS."

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? WE DIDN'T.

OUR KIDS ARE GREAT.

I KNOW.

THEY'RE GOOD KIDS.

IT'S JUST -- YOU KNOW, I HAD THIS IMAGE

OF WHO SHE IS FROM WHEN SHE WAS LITTLE.

AND THE OTHER DAY, IT WAS JUST...A SHOCK, YOU KNOW?

BUT, HEY, LOOK, AT LEAST IT'S SUDHEER.

[ CHUCKLES ]

FINALLY A BRIGHT SPOT IN THE PARADE OF LOSERS.

[ BOTH CHUCKLE ]

YEAH. HE'S A GOOD KID.

YOU KNOW I CAUGHT HIM PEEING?

REALLY?

YEAH, FROM BEHIND.

YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN THE LOOK ON HIS ASS.

[ LAUGHS ]

[ CHUCKLES ]

YOU DON'T THINK ALBERT'S HAVING SEX, DO YOU?

NO. WHY?

NAH, IT'S -- NO, NO REASON.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ ROCK MUSIC PLAYS ]

HI.

SORRY TO STOP BY. IT'S NOT TOO LATE, IS IT?

NO. NO. I'M JUST GRADING PAPERS.

YOU KNOW, I FIGURE I SHOULD KEEP

THE WHOLE HIGH-SCHOOL TEACHER THING ALIVE

WHILE I'M GETTING RICH AND FAMOUS.

[ CHUCKLES ]

YEAH.

SO, HAVE YOU HEARD ANYTHING? 'CAUSE I HAVEN'T GOTTEN A CALL.

YEAH, NO, THAT'S PROBABLY -- THAT'S MY BAD.

UM, HERE'S THE THING,

I THINK I MIGHT HAVE REALLY SCREWED UP HERE.

PHIL TOLD ME THAT, UM... IT WAS A SHIT DEAL, RIGHT --

NO RESIDUALS --

SO I-I TOLD THEM TO JUST,

YOU KNOW, GO SCREW THEMSELVES.

AND, UM...

I HOPE THAT, UH...

[ Sighing ] OH, THANK GOD.

[ SIGHS ]

I'VE BEEN SUCH A MESS ABOUT IT.

I'VE BEEN HAVING NIGHTMARES ALL NIGHT

AND JUST FREAKING OUT.

INSTEAD, IT'S A LOAD OFF.

REALLY? YES!

ARE YOU KIDDING?

YOU'RE, LIKE, MY HERO. OH.

WELL...

DID YOU COME ALL THE WAY OVER HERE JUST TO TELL ME THAT?

WELL, YEAH.

[ CHUCKLES ]

I'M -- I'M -- I'M A LITTLE...

I-I-I -- WHY --

WHY DID YOU AGREE TO DO THE COMMERCIAL

IN THE FIRST PLACE?

OH, I DON'T KNOW.

UM, I MEAN, I WAS A BASKET CASE,

BUT I FIGURED YOU WERE THERE, SO I'D BE ALL RIGHT.

HUH.

I'M -- I'M NOT --

I MEAN...

YOU MEAN WHAT?

HMM?

I REALLY DON'T DATE ACTORS.

I'M NOT AN ACTOR ANYMORE.

♪ WISE MEN SAY ♪

♪ ONLY FOOLS RUSH IN ♪

♪ BUT I CAN'T HELP ♪

♪ FALLING IN LOVE WITH YOU ♪ [ LAUGHS ]

COME ON, BIG BEAR.

TAKE OFF THOSE CLOTHES AND GET SOME OF THIS HONEY.

COME ON.

WELL, IT LOOKS LIKE THAT HONEY COULD USE

A STRONG CUP OF COFFEE.

[ LAUGHS ]

I LOVE ME SOME TEQUILA.

IT GETS EVERYTHING GOING.

YEAH. [ LAUGHS ]

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M GONNA CHANGE MY NAME TO TEQUILA.

OR MAYBE TEQUEELA.

OKAY, WELL, YOU STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE, TEQUEELA.

'CAUSE DADDY'S COMING. ♪ IF I CAN'T HELP ♪

MM.

AHH.

♪ FALLING IN LOVE WITH YOU ♪

[ SIGHS ] YOU'RE KIDDING.

[ LAUGHS ] YUP. ♪ LIKE A RIVER FLOWS ♪

BUT YOU BETTER GET YOUR BUTT OVER HERE,

'CAUSE THIS WINDOW'S GONNA CLOSE SOON.

♪ SURELY TO THE SEA ♪

[ LAUGHS ] ♪ DARLING, SO IT GOES ♪

[ GROWLING ]

[ LAUGHS ]

♪ SOME THINGS ARE MEANT TO BE ♪

♪ TAKE MY HAND ♪

♪ TAKE MY WHOLE LIFE, TOO ♪

♪ FOR I CAN'T HELP ♪

♪ FALLING IN LOVE WITH YOU ♪

♪ LIKE A RIVER FLOWS ♪

♪ SURELY TO THE SEA ♪

ALL RIGHT, GUYS. ♪ DARLING, SO IT GOES ♪

BYE, DAD.

ALL RIGHT, SEE YOU LATER.

HEY, UH, SAY HI TO MY MAN SUDHEER, HUH?

♪ ...ARE MEANT TO BE ♪ THE SUD-MAN.

WE BROKE UP.

♪ TAKE MY HAND ♪

♪ TAKE MY WHOLE LIFE, TOO ♪

♪ FOR I CAN'T HELP ♪

♪ FALLING IN LOVE WITH YOU ♪