Original subtitles

ALL RIGHT.

LET'S GO WITH YOU.

WHOO!

SEE THAT THERE?

HUH?

SEE THAT? OH.

NO. SORRY, DAD.

SERIOUSLY?

THAT WAS PURE, BABY.

I STARTED OUT ON THE OUTSIDE,

I HAD A LITTLE DRAW.

COME ON, ALBERT. YOU GOT TO WATCH THOSE.

THAT WAS LIKE A LeBRON JAMES DUNK...

OR AN ACE -- THAT WAS AN ACE -- FROM THAT GUY.

WHO'S THAT GUY? THE -- THE SWISS GUY?

HE WON WIMBLEDON.

HE CRIES ALL THE TIME AT THE END?

WHAT'S THAT GUY'S NAME?

I DON'T KNOW.

AH.

CRAP! ALL RIGHT.

THAT'S OKAY. THAT'S ALL RIGHT, BUDDY.

YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID? YOU TRIED TO HIT IT.

YOU SWUNG AT THE BALL.

YOU CAN'T DO THAT.

YOU GOT TO FORGET ABOUT THE BALL.

YOU KNOW, WHAT I DO IS...

I USE MY MIND'S EYE.

I-I VISUALIZE IN THE AIR WHERE I WANT THE BALL TO GO,

AND THEN I DON'T EVEN LOOK AT THE BALL.

I MEAN, I LOOK AT THE BALL,

BUT IN MY MIND'S EYE,

I'M JUST SEEING THE FLIGHT OF THE BALL

AND WHERE I WANT IT TO LAND.

DAD, WHAT'S THE MILE-HIGH CLUB?

THE WHAT? WHY THE...

THE MILE-HIGH CLUB -- WHERE'D YOU HEAR THAT?

MATTHEW TOLD ME WHEN THEY WERE ON THE BUS TRIP TO SeaWorld,

GREGORY CALHOUN WAS SAYING TO ALL THE GIRLS,

"YOU'VE HEARD OF THE MILE-HIGH CLUB?

WELL, WHO WANTS TO JOIN THE 6-FOOT-HIGH CLUB?"

AND EVERYBODY LAUGHED WHEN MATTHEW TOLD US AT SCHOOL.

I DID, TOO, BUT, UM, I DON'T KNOW WHY.

IT'S SEX, RIGHT?

UH...

YEAH. I MEAN, I DON'T KNOW.

IT'S -- I THINK IT'S GOT SOMETHING TO DO WITH SEX, YEAH.

I KNEW IT.

[ BOTH CHUCKLE ]

I GUESS THAT'S WHY IT'S FUNNY.

[ CHUCKLES ]

I THOUGHT YOU WENT ON THAT TRIP.

DIDN'T I DRIVE YOU TO THE SCHOOL TO GET ON THOSE BUSES?

[ SIGHS ]

YEAH, BUT I DIDN'T GET ON THE BUS.

WHY NOT?

I DON'T KNOW.

WHY DIDN'T YOU GET ON IT?

I DON'T KNOW, DAD.

WELL, I MEAN, WHAT WAS IT?

YOUR FRIENDS -- FRIENDS WERE ON THERE, TOO, RIGHT?

I COULDN'T GET ON THE BUS, DAD.

YOU COULDN'T? WHAT, PHYSICALLY?

YOU COULDN'T WALK UP THE STEPS ON THE BUS?

NO! GEEZ!

I JUST GOT THIS FEELING...

THAT -- NEVER MIND.

I-I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.

[ EXHALES SHARPLY ]

ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT, BUDDY. WE DON'T HAVE TO TALK ABOUT IT.

♪ WHEN I GROW UP TO BE A MAN ♪

♪ WILL I DIG THE SAME THINGS THAT TURN ME ON AS A KID? ♪

♪ WILL I JOKE AROUND ♪

♪ WILL I STILL JOKE AROUND ♪

♪ AND STILL DIG THOSE SOUNDS ♪

♪ AND STILL DIG THOSE SOUNDS ♪

♪ WHEN I GROW UP TO BE A MAN? ♪

♪ WHOO ♪

♪ WHOO, WHOO ♪

♪ COME ON, BABY, GET ON DOWN ♪

WHAT AN ASSHOLE. Marcus: 5...

Lawrence: I DON'T KNOW.

YOU GOT GUNS LIKE THAT, YOU GOT TO FIRE 'EM.

...99, 100.

OH, YEAH.

BLOOD PUMPING. HEART RATE IS UP.

NOW, SEE, Y'ALL NEED TO FORGET ABOUT THAT COFFEE.

THAT IS HOW YOU START YOUR DAY, MEN.

YO.

DO NOT JAB ME WITH YOUR ELBOW.

THERE SHE IS.

THIS IS THE BEST PART OF MY DAY.

Woman on P.A.: LEO, YOU HAVE A CUSTOMER WAITING ON LINE 4.

Marcus: YES, YES, LEXI.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE MY GOOD-LUCK CHARM, RIGHT, GIRL?

WHEN I GET PAID, I'M GONNA HAVE TO TREAT YOU RIGHT, NOW.

MM-HMM.

MM-HMM.

YOU LIKE STEAK?

YOU'RE STARING AT HER LIKE A PERV.

LOBSTER?

SHE'S FREE TO DO THE SAME.

HOW ABOUT SUSHI?

JUST SAY THE WORD, AND IT'S ON.

YOU KNOW MY NUMBER.

YES, I DO.

YES, I DO.

Y'ALL NEED TO LEAVE THEM DOUGHNUTS ALONE...

[ SIGHS ]

DIDN'T EVEN FEEL IT.

PARTS DEPARTMENT, YOU HAVE A CALL ON LINE 5.

TERRY!

DID YOU KNOW THAT ONE SWEET POTATO

GIVES YOU ALMOST 80% OF YOUR DAILY VITAMIN "A" INTAKE?

OH, WOW, VITAMIN "A," HUH? THAT'S THE, UH, EYE ONE, RIGHT?

YEAH, AND SKIN, TOO.

YOU KNOW WHAT OTHER VITAMIN'S ALSO GOOD FOR YOUR SKIN?

YEAH, ACTUALLY, I WANTED TO TALK TO YOU

ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE.

"D." SHOOT.

REMEMBER A COUPLE YEARS AGO,

I, UH, BOUGHT THAT SECOND HOUSE, THINKING I COULD FLIP IT?

YEAH, UH, DAVE,

YOU KNOW, WITH THE ECONOMY,

IT'S PROBABLY NOT THE BEST TIME FOR ME

TO BE BUYING PROPERTY.

OH, GOD, NO, NO, NO.

NO, YOU WOULDN'T LIKE THIS PLACE AT ALL.

IT'S JUST A BORING, OLD FAMILY HOUSE, NOT A BACHELOR PAD.

IT DOESN'T EVEN HAVE A WET BAR.

[ CHUCKLES ]

NO, WE'VE BEEN HAVING THESE, UH, OPEN HOUSES,

AND THEY'VE BEEN GOING CRAPPY, AND I THOUGHT,

"WHAT IF AN ACTOR CAME BY

AND ACTED LIKE AN INTERESTED BUYER?"

HUH? HUH.

THAT'D BE SO GREAT!

YEAH, NOT -- NOT REALLY.

OH, COME ON.

YOU'RE THE BEST ACTOR I KNOW, TERRY.

I'M THE ONLY ACTOR YOU KNOW.

NO, REMEMBER, MY BROTHER-IN-LAW'S

ONE OF THOSE VOICE-OVER GUYS.

BUT I CAN'T HAVE HIM SHOW UP -- HE'S LIKE 400 POUNDS.

HE'S PRETTY GROSS TO LOOK AT, ACTUALLY.

[ Chuckling ] I'M GONNA PASS, BUT THANKS.

OH, COME ON. DON'T LEAVE ME HANGING, BRO.

I'M NOT LEAVING YOU HANGING. I'M SAYING "NO."

COME ON, TERRY. HELP ME OUT HERE.

I'LL GIVE YOU 200 BUCKS.

$300?

$250, AND I'LL FEED YOU.

ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT! WE'RE GONNA SELL THIS HOUSE!

ALL RIGHT! FANTASTIC!

AND YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD BE GREAT, TOO?

IF YOU COULD GET YOUR HAIR CUT --

NOT GETTING MY HAIR CUT.

NO PROBLEM.

[ COMPUTER BEEPS ]

[ CONVERSING IN SPANISH ]

OKAY. ALL RIGHT. OKAY?

HEY, HOW ARE YOU FOLKS DOING TODAY?

I'M OWEN THOREAU. AH.

FROM THE SIGN.

UH, YEAH.

OH, THAT'S, UH, THAT'S MY FATHER,

BUT CLOSE ENOUGH.

JAVIER. BEAUTIFUL, HUH?

WITH THE MILEAGE, THE BODY, THE CONDITION,

THIS ONE IS ALMOST AS GOOD AS NEW.

IT'S LIKE MY DREAM CAR. ADRIANA.

WE'RE LOOKING AT A LOT OF CARS, OKAY?

JUST LOOKING.

PAPI, WE'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR LIKE A MILLION YEARS.

THIS IS THE ONE.

BUT WE'RE JUST LOOKING. [ CHUCKLES ]

SO, UH, THIS CAR,

IT'S NEVER HAD ANY, UH, MAJOR BODY WORK?

NO LEAKY FLUIDS OR...

WELL, IT'S A COUPLE OF YEARS OLD,

BUT, AS YOU CAN SEE, IT'S IN GREAT CONDITION.

YES. IT IS.

$18,500 --

THAT'S A LOT FOR A USED CAR.

THAT'S A GREAT PRICE.

PLUS, WE HAVE COMPETITIVE FINANCING OPTIONS --

UM, HERE'S THE THING. UM...

HER MOTHER AND I TOLD HER IF SHE SAVED $10,000

AND SHE KEPT HER GRADES UP,

WHEN SHE TURNED 18, WE WOULD PUT UP ANOTHER $5,000.

$10,000? HOW'D YOU DO THAT?

WORKING PART TIME AT VONS AND BABYSITTING.

PLUS SCHOOL? HONOR ROLL.

WOW.

SO, BASICALLY,

WE HAVE $15,000, AND THAT'S IT.

I KNOW THAT SOUNDS LIKE BULL, BUT --

NO. NO, NO, NO. UM...

LET ME SEE WHAT I CAN DO,

'CAUSE, UH, I DO HAVE SOME PULL AROUND HERE.

REALLY? REALLY.

[ SQUEALS ]

AY! NIÑA. POR FAVOR.

WHAT ARE WE LISTING IT FOR?

$18,500.

AND WE TOOK IT IN AT $13,400.

MM.

THINK WE CAN DO IT FOR $15,000?

$15,000?

WE CAN GET $17,500 EASY.

YEAH. [ CHUCKLES ] YEAH.

UM..

WHY DON'T YOU WALK BY IN A FEW?

I'LL WALK BY IN A FEW.

SO, UH, LISTEN, I-I TALKED TO MY MANAGER,

AND THE THING ABOUT THESE

IS THEY REALLY HOLD THEIR RESALE VALUE,

SO, UNFORTUNATELY, THERE'S NOT MUCH WIGGLE ROOM.

UH, THE BEST I CAN DO IS...

$17,500.

ADRIANA, WE SHOULD KEEP LOOKING.

OWEN!

YOU STILL GOT THE KEYS TO THAT SOLSTICE?

MM-HMM.

GOT A TEST DRIVE COMING IN AT NOON.

SO LEAVE THE KEYS ON MY DESK.

WE'LL FIND ANOTHER CAR. OKAY?

ADRIANA?

UM...

I'M -- I'M SURE WE GOT A COUPLE OF CARS ON THE LOT

THAT MIGHT, UH, BE MORE IN YOUR PRICE RANGE.

UH...

GOT A, UM, SPORTY LITTLE COBALT RIGHT OUTSIDE...

UM...

[ SNIFFLES ]

[ EXHALES SHARPLY ]

[ SIGHS ]

Javier: ADRIANA.

MARCUS: Owen!

What'd you do to make a little girl cry, man?

WAS IT YOUR BREATH AGAIN? WE TALKED ABOUT THAT, DUDE.

[ MUTTERING IN SPANISH ]

[ SNIFFLES ] AY.

[ ADRIANA CRYING ]

I'M SORRY, PAPI. OKAY. OKAY.

[ ADRIANA SNIFFLES ]

[ SNIFFLES ]

I GOT IT.

WE'LL TAKE IT.

$17,500, RIGHT?

YEAH.

THANK YOU.

CRY AS IN TEARS?

WATERWORKS. WELL...

YOU'RE A SALESMAN.

THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DO.

I'M SUPPOSED TO MAKE A GIRL CRY?

NO, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GET THE BEST PRICE.

BESIDES, AREN'T YOU ALWAYS SAYING

PEOPLE LIE TO YOU AND MAKE STUFF UP?

YEAH, BUT THIS WAS FOR REAL, AND NOW THEY HATE ME.

SEE, THAT'S WHAT I DO ALL DAY.

I MAKE MY LIVING MAKING HARDWORKING PEOPLE

SPEND MORE THAN THEY HAVE TO,

AND THEY HATE ME FOR IT.

THEY HATE ME.

THEY DON'T HATE YOU.

ARE YOU GONNA LOOK ME IN THE EYE

AND TELL ME THAT PEOPLE DON'T HATE CAR SALESMEN?

THEY DON'T HATE YOU.

THEY HATE THE IDEA OF YOU.

[ STAMMERS ]

LISTEN, LET'S JUST GET YOU SOMETHING TO EAT, OKAY?

AND THEN YOU'RE GONNA GO HIKE WITH THE GUYS, RIGHT?

AND THEN EVERYTHING WON'T SEEM SO AWFUL.

YOU HAD A BAD DAY.

EVERY DAY'S A BAD DAY AT THOREAU CHEVROLET.

MAYBE YOU SHOULD SUGGEST THAT SLOGAN TO YOUR DAD.

RIGHT NOW, THAT GIRL'S FATHER

IS CURSING ME OUT TO HIS WIFE.

NO, HE'S NOT.

HONEY...

I KNOW YOU DON'T LIKE THAT JOB.

[ SIGHS ] BUT I BET THAT YOU CAN FIND

A WAY TO BE HAPPY THERE.

I MEAN, SOME WAY.

I MEAN, PEOPLE COME TO YOU TO BUY THE CAR OF THEIR DREAMS.

YOU'RE MAKING THEM HAPPY.

SO -- SO MAYBE TOMORROW,

YOU WILL SELL SOMEONE A CAR

THAT THEY'VE BEEN WAITING THEIR ENTIRE LIFE FOR.

AND THEY'LL GIVE YOU A HUG.

DO YOU DRINK WHILE I'M AT WORK?

SHIT, I'M JUST TRYING TO BE HELPFUL HERE.

[ GROANS ]

DUDE. DUDE, COME ON.

I'M TRYING TO GET A WORKOUT.

YEAH, WE ALL ARE,

BUT IT'S NOT THE DECATHLON, OKAY?

[ Chuckling ] I'M JUST WALKING.

WELL, YOU'RE WALKING LIKE A DICK!

[ LAUGHS ] JOE AND I CAN'T KEEP UP.

I WAS ACTUALLY KEEPING UP.

WELL, WE'RE SLOWING DOWN. SLOWING DOWN.

THAT'S IT. JUST A LITTLE SLOWER.

A LITTLE S-- A LITTLE [LAUGHS]

[ Laughing ] OKAY, THAT'S IT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

SO, YOU KNOW, ALBERT, HE WAS SUPPOSED TO GO

ON A FIELD TRIP TO SeaWorld OR SOMETHING,

AND HE DIDN'T GO

'CAUSE HE SAID HE COULDN'T GET ON THE BUS,

FOR -- FOR NO REASON.

IT'S PROBABLY A BULLY THING. SOMEBODY BOTHERING HIM?

YEAH, NO, I DON'T THINK SO.

I TALKED TO HIS GUIDANCE COUNSELOR.

THEY SAY HE'S DOING FINE.

MAYBE SOMETHING EMBARRASSING HAPPENED TO HIM, YOU KNOW?

THAT HE CAN'T FACE THE OTHER KIDS?

REMEMBER BACK IN COLLEGE WHEN OWEN GOT HIS ASS KICKED

BY THAT HIGH-SCHOOL JUNIOR WHO SNUCK INTO HUNGRY CHARLIE'S?

[ LAUGHS ] THAT KID WAS BIG

FOR HIS AGE.

[ LAUGHS ]

WELL, I BET YOU'RE BIGGER THAN HIM NOW.

WE SHOULD GO BACK AND FIND HIM. HUH?

OH. DICKS!

SONIA SAYS, YOU KNOW, IT PROBABLY HAS SOMETHING TO DO

WITH THE... SEPARATION.

YOU KNOW, MAYBE IT DOES.

BUT, I MEAN, WHO KNOWS? HE'S 13, RIGHT?

IT'S A CRAZY AGE. IT COULD BE ANYTHING.

MAYBE HE'S GAY.

YEAH, I THOUGHT OF THAT, BUT...

WOULD HE EVEN KNOW IF HE WAS ALREADY?

I GUESS, YEAH, YEAH, HE PROBABLY WOULD.

BUT SO WHAT?

EVEN IF HE WAS GAY -- WHAT? --

GAY PEOPLE CAN'T RIDE BUSES?

[ BOTH CHUCKLE ] NO, I MEAN --

I DON'T KNOW.

YOU KNOW, I JUST HOPE IT'S NOT SOMETHING

THAT HE -- HE GOT FROM ME.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN -- LIKE YOUR -- YOUR WORRYING STUFF,

YOUR OBSESSING STUFF?

ALL THAT CRAZY-ASS SHIT YOU DO?

WELL...

LOOK, YOU'RE A LITTLE GOOFY, JOE, OKAY?

Terry: YOU GOT GOOFY PROBLEMS,

BUT IT'S NOT LIKE IT'S A BIG DEAL OR ANYTHING.

WELL, WHATEVER I AM, WHAT IF HE'S WORSE?

YEAH. KIDS.

YOU HAVE THEM,

YOU GOT TO WORRY ABOUT THEM FOREVER.

THAT'S KIND OF THE IDEA.

NOT MY IDEA.

YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE YOU'RE GONNA END UP -- EVEN YOU.

MEET A NICE GIRL,

SHIT HAPPENS --

NEXT THING YOU KNOW, YOU'RE TRIPPING OVER TRICYCLES,

AND YOUR HOUSE SMELLS LIKE POOP.

OH, YOU PAINT A BEAUTIFUL PICTURE.

HERE WE GO.

Joe: NO CHANCE.

NO WAY.

AH! HERE WE GO.

THERE YOU GO. MNH-MNH.

BEHIND -- BEHIND THE LINE, MAN.

[ POP! ]

OH, HO, HO.

AW, COME ON!

YOU'RE ON A COLD STREAK, MAN.

AH, THESE NEW BALLOONS SUCK!

YOU CAN'T BEAT ME AT THIS. NO WAY.

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT -- YOU HIT IT BEFORE I DO,

YOU DON'T HAVE TO SWEEP THE STORE FOR A WEEK.

THAT SOUNDS LIKE A BET TO ME, MR. T.

ME TOO. NO SWEEP.

OKAY.

[ AIR HISSING ]

I DON'T KNOW WHY I MAKE THAT BET.

NOTHING IN IT FOR ME.

JUST A LITTLE SHOW-OFF.

Albert: DAD?

ALBERT. WHAT'S GOING ON? WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

LUCY DROVE ME FROM SCHOOL.

SHE'S IN THE CAR.

WHY? WHAT'S WRONG?

I JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW...

...I MADE THE GOLF TEAM.

THE GOLF TEAM? WHAT?

YEAH. THEY HAD TRYOUTS TODAY, AND I WASN'T GONNA DO IT,

AND I THOUGHT MAYBE I COULD DO YOUR MIND'S-EYE THING

AND DO GOOD, AND I DID IT.

I CAME IN SIXTH FOR THE WHOLE TEAM,

AND I WAS THE SECOND-BEST FRESHMAN.

WHAT?

OH, MAN, CONGRATULATIONS! THAT'S --

OH, I'M PROUD OF YOU, MAN! SEE?

FIRST TOURNAMENT'S NEXT WEEK!

WAY TO GO, A-DOG!

[ BOTH LAUGH ]

ANYWAYS, I GOT TO GO

'CAUSE LUCY'S GOING TO SOME PARTY,

AND SHE HAS TO SHOWER OR SOMETHING.

RIGHT, RIGHT, OKAY. HOLD ON. I'LL WALK YOU OUT.

JUST WATCH THIS. ALL RIGHT? WATCH THE MIND'S-EYE MASTER.

HERE WE GO. LINE IT UP.

[ CHUCKLES ]

ALL RIGHT.

WHOO!

YOU GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!

GRAB A BROOM, GUYS!

SEE THAT?

Albert: GEEZ. HOW'D YOU DO THAT? GEEZ.

THAT WAS BULLSHIT.

THIS IS WHAT WE'RE ASKING FOR IT.

AND I CAN'T MOVE OFF THAT PRICE,

OR I'M GONNA GET READ THE RIOT ACT.

IT'S JUST THAT I-I RESEARCHED THE INVOICE PRICE,

AND IT'S MUCH LOWER THAN --

THE INVOICE PRICE IS NOT THE SALES PRICE.

Woman on P.A.: MANUEL, CAR 6029.

MANUEL, CAR 6029.

DO YOU...

HATE ME?

NO.

WHEN YOU CAME IN HERE TODAY

AND I WALKED OVER TO INTRODUCE MYSELF,

DID YOU THINK, "OH, HERE COMES ANOTHER CAR SALESMAN

THAT'S GONNA TRY TO MILK ME FOR ALL I'M WORTH"?

WELL, I...

I-I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

IS THIS SOME KIND OF SALES THING?

WRITE DOWN A NUMBER YOU FEEL COMFORTABLE WITH.

YEAH, WELL, THEN YOU'RE GONNA WRITE DOWN A NUMBER,

AND WE'RE GONNA GO BACK AND FORTH --

NO, NO, NO. I-I REALLY WANT TO KNOW.

I MEAN, WHAT'S IT GONNA TAKE

FOR YOU TO WALK OUT OF THIS DEALERSHIP TODAY

WITH A BRAND-NEW CAR

AND NOT END UP HATING MY GUTS IN THE PROCESS?

NOW, WRITE DOWN THAT NUMBER.

GO AHEAD.

[ SIGHS ]

THIS IS THE SAME NUMBER I JUST WROTE DOWN.

I JUST SAVED BOTH OF US HOURS OF HAGGLING.

THIS IS FOR THE COBALT,

WITH THE OPTIONS WE TALKED ABOUT, NOT STRIPPED DOWN --

NOT STRIPPED DOWN, THE CAR WE WERE TALKING ABOUT.

AND THIS IS THE PRICE? YES!

WELL, YEAH.

LET'S DO IT.

[ Chuckling ] THANK YOU.

[ CHUCKLES ] SAY THAT AGAIN.

"LET'S DO IT."

NO, NOT THAT.

"THANK YOU"?

[ PEN THUDS LIGHTLY ]

[ LAUGHS ]

[ BIRDS CHIRPING ]

[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]

[ SLURPING ]

EXCUSE ME JUST A MINUTE, IF YOU DON'T MIND.

Dude, you are killing me!

This thing started an hour ago!

I HIT SOME PRETTY GNARLY TRAFFIC.

Don't you live like three miles away?

LOOKS LIKE YOU GOT A PRETTY DECENT TURNOUT HERE, HUH?

It's deceiving. Buyer's market.

So any open house is a lot of looky-loos and no action.

But that's where you come in, broheim.

"BROHEIM."

Just look around and admire the crap out of everything.

And FYI... MM-HMM?

That cute little biscuit over there in the blue dress?

That's Erika.

She's one of you --

actress.

Teaches my wife's spin class.

We hired her to work undercover, too.

But don't sweat it. I'm paying you more.

[ BOTH CHUCKLE ]

SO, DAVE, LET ME, UH...

LET ME SEE YOUR WEDDING RING.

UGH.

NEVER HAVE TO ASK ME TWICE TO GET RID OF THIS THING.

[ CHUCKLES ] I'M JUST KID-- KIDDING.

BUT, SERIOUSLY, PLEASE DON'T LOSE IT.

Good luck.

HEY, SWEETIE. [ GASPS ]

H-HEY!

[ LAUGHS ]

I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR YOU.

WELL, I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR YOU, TOO.

[ BOTH CHUCKLE ]

THIS IS -- I'M HER HUSBAND,

TERRY.

NICE TO MEET YOU BOTH.

WOW! WOW, LOOK AT THAT BACKYARD!

YEAH, I'VE BEEN NOTICING IT MYSELF, SWEETIE.

YEAH.

HEY, I'M SORRY I'M LATE.

I GOT TO GET USED TO THAT TRAFFIC HERE AGAIN, YOU KNOW.

WE'VE BEEN LIVING IN BOISE, IDAHO,

FOR THE LAST, WHAT?

FIVE YEARS. FIVE YEARS.

WELL, WE WENT THERE BECAUSE WE JUST WANTED

TO SKI ALL THE TIME.

AND THEN, I DON'T KNOW, WE BURNED OUT AND...

I MISSED THE OCEAN.

WE BOTH DID.

YEAH.

[ BOTH CHUCKLE ]

[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]

MAN, IT'S SLOW.

[ DOORBELL RINGS ]

HEY, SIR. HOW YOU DOING TODAY?

GOOD. HOW ARE YOU?

WELCOME TO THOREAU CHEVROLET.

YEAH, IS THERE A GUY WHO WORKS HERE NAMED OTIS OR OTTO

OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT?

NO, NO, SIR, THERE'S NOBODY BY THAT NAME THAT WORKS HERE,

BUT, YOU KNOW, I'D BE HAPPY TO SHOW YOU AROUND.

NO, WELL, I THINK HE'S KIND OF A ROLY-POLY DUDE,

AND HE'S...

HE'S --

HE'S BLACK.

I'M OWEN.

OH! "OWEN." RIGHT.

NICE TO MEET YOU.

NICE TO MEET YOU.

YEAH, IT'S THIS GUY.

OH. OKAY.

HOW CAN I HELP YOU?

MAN, I'VE BEEN TRYING TO BUY A CAMARO FOR FIVE MONTHS NOW.

EVERY DEALERSHIP IN TOWN THINKS I'M MADE OF MONEY.

SO I WANT TO THROW THIS OUT HERE RIGHT NOW.

MY FRIEND TOLD ME HE SHOWED YOU A NUMBER

HE WAS COMFORTABLE WITH, AND YOU HELPED HIM OUT.

LET'S GO START THE PAPERWORK.

[ GASPS, LAUGHS ]

UH, EXCUSE US, FELLAS.

NOW, I DON'T USUALLY DO DEALS WITH RED SOX FANS,

BUT IN THIS CASE, I'LL MAKE AN EXCEPTION.

MAN, OWEN IS ON A ROLL!

WHY DON'T YOU GET A SECOND TIE, HUH?

HOW ABOUT THAT?

SHORT ASS.

DICK HOLE.

Joe: THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

IT TAKES ME LIKE A HALF-HOUR LONGER

TO GET READY TO GO NOW IN THE MORNING.

YEAH, LOT OF MAINTENANCE CRAP NOW, RIGHT?

OH, MAN.

I GOT FOUR DIFFERENT CREAMS I GOT TO PUT ON NOW.

FOUR, HUH? YEAH.

YEAH, I GOT THE -- I GOT THE EYELID ONE.

I GOT THAT FLAKY THING.

THEN A DIFFERENT ONE FOR BEHIND THE EAR.

GOT SOME SCRATCHY SHIT ON MY NECK NOW.

AND THEN THE USUAL --

THE ANTIFUNGAL ONE FOR THE TOES -- FOUR.

IT'S CRAZY.

ANY ASS ONES? BECAUSE THAT'S WHERE I'M AT NOW.

THIS JUST KEEPS GETTING BETTER.

I GOT TWO. TWO!

TWO ASS CREAMS -- NOT AN OINTMENT,

'CAUSE OINTMENT'S DIFFERENT -- TWO CREAMS.

NO, THEY'RE CREAMS. SPECIFICALLY

FOR THE ASS?

YEAH, AND I ROTATE THEM TO KEEP UP THEIR EFFECTIVENESS.

WOW. YEAH, I AIN'T GOT NO ASS CREAMS.

LOOK, YOU KNOW, YOU GUYS DON'T LOOK AT ROOT CAUSES.

OKAY, THERE ARE NATURAL WAYS TO FIX ALL THIS STUFF.

YOU REALLY GOT TO COME TO MY YOGA CLASS!

OH. YOGA.

YEAH, YOGA.

YOGA'S GONNA MAKE MY ASS STOP ITCHING?

YOU KNOW WHAT? DON'T COME.

SERIOUSLY. I DON'T WANT YOU THERE.

Joe: YEAH, YOU DON'T WANT THAT.

YOU DON'T WANT THAT ASS IN THERE,

SCARING ALL THE WOMEN AWAY.

YEAH, 'CAUSE IT'S WHAT'S AROUND FRONT

THAT'S GONNA SCARE EVERYBODY.

OH! YEAH!

YEAH!

[ JOE CHUCKLING ]

SO YOU OBSESSING ABOUT PASSING THIS ON TO ALBERT, TOO --

THIS, UM, WHATEVER IT IS YOU USE YOUR CREAMS ON?

YEAH, YEAH. NO.

NO, I'M GOOD WITH ALBERT NOW.

HE -- I DIDN'T TELL YOU GUYS THIS.

HE MADE THE GOLF TEAM.

REALLY? WOW, THAT'S GREAT NEWS.

YEAH.

I DIDN'T KNOW HE WAS THAT INTO GOLF.

NO, I DIDN'T, EITHER.

I DIDN'T THINK HE WAS. I TOOK HIM GOLFING.

I SHOWED HIM THIS MIND'S-EYE THING THAT I DO --

YOU KNOW, I DIDN'T EVEN THINK HE WAS LISTENING --

AND -- AND HE MADE THE TEAM.

IT MUST HAVE REALLY WORKED OUT FOR HIM, I GUESS.

OH, SURE, MIND'S EYE -- IT'S GOOD STUFF.

OH, OF COURSE. HE KNOWS ALL ABOUT IT.

YEAH. IT'S VISUALIZATION. YOU DO IT IN ACTING.

OKAY, BUT I'M TALKING ABOUT REALITY,

NOT -- NOT -- NOT SITTING AROUND WEARING A POWDERED WIG

PRETENDING I'M THE KING OF CROATIA.

[ Chuckling ] I HAVE NEVER DONE THAT EVER. NOT ONCE.

YEAH, YOU WILL. [ CHUCKLES ]

ANYWAY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING IT FOR?

WHAT ARE YOU -- WHAT IS IT? --

THAT "PRETENDING YOU LIKE A HOUSE" THING?

YEAH, LISTEN, I GOT TO TELL YOU.

IT'S ACTUALLY BEEN A LOT OF FUN.

REALLY? YEAH.

THERE'S THIS OTHER ACTOR THERE,

AND WE'RE DOING, LIKE, THIS...LITTLE THING.

YOU KNOW, I'M -- I'M HER HUSBAND.

WHOA. HUSBAND!

YEAH, PUT ON A WEDDING RING AND EVERYTHING.

OH!

DID IT BURN? LIKE A VAMPIRE?

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

YEAH, IT'S BEEN FUN, THOUGH -- PRETENDING.

YEAH, 'CAUSE, UH, TAKE IT FROM ME,

THE REAL SHIT, IT'S NO FUN AT ALL.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

YOU'VE GOT, LIKE, THE GREATEST WIFE OF ALL TIME.

I KNOW, BUT DON'T TELL HER. SHE'LL GET ALL COCKY.

YOU MAKE HER PUT THE CREAMS ON? 'CAUSE THEN...

SHE HELPS ME PUT THE CREAMS ON.

SHE'S A SAINT.

Joe: HAS SHE GOT A SPRAY GUN?

CHECK, PLEASE!

[ MID-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS ON CAR STEREO ]

[ ENGINE SHUTS OFF, MUSIC STOPS ]

[ DAVE HUMMING ]

BIG DAVE!

AH, TEAMMATE. MAN!

[ CHUCKLES ]

WOW, RIGHT ON TIME. WHO'S THIS GUY?

YEAH, YEAH, JUST GETTING INTO CHARACTER.

HEY, I BROUGHT SOME PROPS.

GONNA THROW SOME HOT DOGS ON THE GRILL --

YOU KNOW, PAINT A PICTURE?

MM-HMM.

I FIGURE, PEOPLE REALLY WANT THIS PLACE

TO BE THEIR DREAM -- HUH?

[ WHISTLES ]

OH.

SO WHERE'S MY WIFE?

SHE'S OUTSIDE...

MAKING THE WHOLE BACKYARD HOT.

HAVE FUN!

[ CHIPS CLICKING, CARDS FLICKING ]

[ CLICK ]

[ CLICK ]

COME ON!

OH, I KNEW IT!

No, I didn't. Shit.

HEY, HEY, LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING, DaSHAUN. COME HERE.

DaSHAUN.

YOU KNOW ALBERT, RIGHT? YEAH.

WHAT -- WHAT DO YOU THINK? YOU THINK HE'S LIKE ME?

YOU MEAN GOOFY?

[ CHUCKLES ]

YEAH, I DON'T KNOW. JUST QUIRKY.

YEAH, I GUESS.

YEAH. HE'S JUST -- YOU KNOW, HE'S HAVING

A LITTLE BIT OF A ROUGH TIME RIGHT NOW.

OH, YEAH. I MEAN, I'M SURE HE IS.

I MEAN, WHEN I WAS 13, BACK IN THE DAY, I WAS CRAZY.

[ CHUCKLES ] YEAH. YEAH, HUH?

YEAH, A COUPLE YEARS THERE,

I WAS CAUSING MY MOM ALL TYPES OF TROUBLES.

WHAT ACTUALLY SAVED ME WAS THIS JOB.

REALLY? YEAH, IT DID.

I MEAN, WHEN I STARTED WORKING HERE, IT FOCUSED ME.

LIKE T.I. SAYS, "WHEN YOU BECOME A MAN,

YOU PUT AWAY THE CHILDISH THINGS."

YEAH, THAT'S ACTUALLY -- IT'S IN THE BIBLE.

NO, IT'S T.I. T.I. -- T.I.'s A RAPPER.

YOU WOULDN'T KNOW THAT KIND OF STUFF.

[ BEEPING ]

YEAH, BUT, NO, I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU'RE SAYING, THOUGH,

'CAUSE WHEN YOU GOT SOMETHING TO DO,

IT JUST TAKES YOUR MIND OFF YOUR --

OFF YOUR WORRIES AND STUFF, HUH?

YOU KNOW, ALBERT MADE THE GOLF TEAM.

YEAH?

SO I THINK, UH, I THINK THIS IS GONNA BE GOOD FOR HIM.

YEAH. HOPE THAT DOES THE TRICK.

HEY, UH, YOU REALLY LIKE WORKING HERE, HUH?

THAT'S GOOD. I'M GLAD.

YEAH. I MEAN, TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH,

WHEN I FIRST CAME DOWN HERE,

I WAS GONNA APPLY FOR THE MUSIC STORE ON THE CORNER.

THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN SWEET --

GET THE DISCOUNTS AND WHATNOT.

BUT THEY WAS CLOSED THAT DAY,

AND MY MA SAID SHE'D WHUP MY ASS

IF I DIDN'T COME HOME WITH A JOB.

SO HERE I AM, MR. T.

WHEN LIFE GIVES YOU LEMONS, MAKE LEMONADE.

[ CHUCKLES ]

YEAH.

[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]

[ SIZZLING ]

WHY DON'T YOU TAKE A BREAK, BUDDY?

GO PASS THOSE AROUND. I'LL MAN THE GRILL.

OKAY. WHAT'S YOUR NAME AGAIN?

TERRY.

DAVE.

[ BOTH CHUCKLE ]

[ LAUGHS ]

[ SIGHS ]

HOT DOG RIGHT OFF THE GRILL.

MMM.

NOT A LOT CAN BEAT THAT, RIGHT?

MM. THAT'S OKAY, I'M GOOD.

OKAY. [ LAUGHS ]

SURE.

[ Southern accent ] HEY. Y'ALL THE OWNERS?

[ BOTH CHUCKLE ]

NOT YET. JUST, UH, HELPING OUT.

BUT WOW, HUH?

YEAH.

HOW YOU GUYS DOING? I'M TERRY.

OH, HEY, TERRY. THIS IS MY WIFE, ERIKA.

HELLO. OH!

I'M HANK. THIS HERE'S MY WIFE, MICHELLE.

YOU'RE NOT FROM LOS ANGELES, I'M GUESSING.

[ LAUGHS ] SHOOT, WHAT GAVE IT AWAY?

NO, WE ARE FROM ODESSA, TEXAS.

Y'ALL NATIVES HERE?

NO, JUST, UH, DOWN FROM SEATTLE FOR THE WEEKEND.

MY PARENTS LIVE IN ORANGE COUNTY.

YEAH, WE'VE BEEN WANTING TO, UH,

MOVE CLOSER TO THEM FOR A FEW YEARS NOW.

AND THEN, WELL, WHEN WE FOUND OUT SHE WAS PREGNANT

[CHUCKLES] WE JUST REALIZED

IT IS TIME TO GET THIS SHOW ON THE ROAD.

[ CHUCKLES ]

THIS LITTLE LADY IS CARRYING A CHILD?

I DO NOT BELIEVE IT!

I DON'T BELIEVE IT, EITHER.

THREE MONTHS.

NINE...WEEKS, HONEY.

[ LAUGHS ] HE GETS SO EXCITED.

CONGRATULATIONS.

LET ME ASK YOU.

YOU THINK THIS YARD'S BIG ENOUGH FOR A GAME OF CATCH?

OH, YEAH. OH, YEAH.

EXCUSE ME, MA'AM?

I'M LOOKING FOR A SALESMAN,

AND I THINK HE'S A LITTLE...

CHUBBY?

[ LEE MICHAELS' "DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?" PLAYS ]

YOU GOT A SALESMAN WORKS HERE WHO'S...HUSKY?

KIND OF A -- KIND OF A HUSKY FELLA?

CHARLES BARKLEY KIND OF A GUY?

ONLY DARKER.

AND WITH HAIR.

♪ BEEN 40 DAYS ♪

♪ SINCE I DON'T KNOW WHEN ♪

♪ I JUST SAW HER WITH MY BEST FRIEND ♪

♪ DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? ♪

[ LAUGHS ] CONGRATULATIONS.

♪ DO YOU KNOW, KNOW WHAT I MEAN? ♪

♪ I JUST SAW HER YESTERDAY ♪

♪ I JUST SAW HER, ASKED HER TO STAY ♪

♪ DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? ♪

♪ LORD, DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? ♪

♪ HER AND BOBBY WERE STEPPING OUT ♪

♪ HER AND BOBBY DIDN'T KNOW I FOUND OUT ♪

♪ DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? ♪

♪ DO YOU KNOW, KNOW WHAT I MEAN? ♪

♪ SO I ASKED HER IF SHE STILL CARED ♪

♪ SHE DIDN'T HEAR ME, SHE JUST SAID ♪

♪ DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? ♪

♪ LORD, DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? ♪

YOU THE FAT GUY?

YEAH.

I AM THE FAT GUY.

[ CHUCKLING ]

HEY, SORRY, CARLOS,

YOU KNOW, BUT YOU LOST THE BET.

BESIDES...

THAT IS PART OF YOUR JOB, RIGHT?

[ MUTTERS ]

[ CELLPHONE RINGS ]

THAT SOUNDED DIRTY.

YO-YO MA!

Uh, this is Coach Ford, Albert's golf coach.

Is this his father?

YEAH. YEAH, EVERYTHING OKAY?

UM, I'M ABOUT TO GO TO THE TOURNAMENT.

Uh, well, we're having a little bit of a situation here.

Albert's asking for you.

OKAY. BUT AREN'T YOU GUYS AT THE TOURNAMENT ALREADY?

Nope.

WE'RE STILL IN THE PARKING LOT.

OKAY.

ALL RIGHT. UH, I'M ON MY WAY.

[ BEEP ]

DaSHAUN, LOCK IT UP, RIGHT?

YEAH.

HEY, IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU TWO AGAIN.

TERRY, RIGHT? YES, I'M TERRY, YEAH.

HOW ARE YOU? THIS IS YOUR HOUSE?

YES. OH.

WHAT A HOUSE. DO YOU LIKE IT?

WELL, YEAH.

AND ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU'VE GOT A FAMILY COMING ALONG.

OH! RON HERE IS A FAMILY GUY,

AN, UH, HE'S ALSO INTERESTED IN THE HOME.

UH-OH. WE BETTER GET IT.

YOU KNOW, MY BROTHER'S A CONTRACTOR.

AND HE SAYS THAT'S A DAY WORK.

BUT IF WE MADE THIS A DOOR --

YOU CAN HAVE YOUR COOKIE BACK --

OH, THANKS.

BUT IF YOU MADE IT A DOOR, YOU COULD GO RIGHT OUT,

AND THEN YOU COULD JUST RIGHT THERE TO THE KITCHEN.

WHAT A GREAT FLOOR PLAN.

EAT, SWIM. EAT, SWIM.

WE JUST LOVE THE BIG YARD.

YEAH. I WANT OUR KIDS OUTSIDE.

I HEARD THE PROPERTY VALUES IN THIS NEIGHBORHOOD

BARELY MOVED.

WELL, THAT'S BECAUSE THE SCHOOL DOWN THE STREET

IS UNBELIEVABLE. MM.

IT'LL SAVE US 20 GRAND A YEAR ON PRIVATE SCHOOLS.

AND WITH FOUR KIDS, I MEAN, THAT'S 80 GRAND.

AND NO TV UNTIL HE OR SHE IS AT LEAST 2.

ALTHOUGH THAT WALL IS A GREAT PLACE

FOR A FLAT-SCREEN.

YOU THINK? YEAH.

'CAUSE I THINK THAT WALL MIGHT BE BETTER.

EITHER WALL.

WELL, THIS HAS GOT TO BE THE MASTER, HUH?

OH, FANTASTIC.

YOU KNOW, GUYS, EVER SINCE WE FOUND OUT WE WERE PREGNANT,

I'VE BEEN PULLING FOR TWINS.

I'M NOT HAVING TWINS.

But they do run in her family.

[ LAUGHS ]

Terry: COME ON, LET'S GO.

THAT TREE HOUSE COULD USE A LITTLE WORK.

GOOD PLACE FOR A TIRE SWING, THOUGH.

NEVER HAD A TIRE SWING WHEN I WAS A KID.

I WANT OUR KIDS TO HAVE A TIRE SWING.

YEAH.

TAKE IT EASY.

ALL RIGHT. BYE. GOOD LUCK.

[ CHUCKLES ]

OKAY, I THINK THAT'S THE LAST OF THEM.

I COULD REALLY USE A COLD BEER.

YEAH, BEER SOUNDS GOOD.

[ WIND CHIMES TINKLING ]

AND JIMMY.

FERNANDO.

[ CHUCKLING ]

Bruce: ALL RIGHT. LISTEN UP, EVERYBODY.

WE GOT A CHANGE AT THE LEADERBOARD.

FOR THE FIRST TIME THIS YEAR,

MARCUS IS NOT THE SALESMAN OF THE MONTH.

THAT DISTINCTION GOES TO OWEN JUNIOR!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

HEY, WHAT DOES SECOND PLACE TASTE LIKE?

IS IT BITTERSWEET OR JUST BITTER?

THIS IS BULLSHIT! OKAY?

I COULD HAVE 300 SALES EACH MONTH

IF I LET EVERY CUSTOMER WALK ALL OVER ME.

JUST BITTER. [ MAN CHUCKLES ]

Bruce: COME ON OVER HERE, OWEN.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

[ LAUGHS ]

I'M NOT GONNA LIE. THIS FEELS REAL GOOD.

UM [CHUCKLES]

I REALIZE SOME OF YOU MIGHT BE LITTLE PUZZLED,

OR EVEN PERTURBED,

BY THE METHOD BY WHICH I WAS ABLE TO ACHIEVE

SUCH A...GREAT TURNOVER.

YEAH, 'CAUSE IT WASN'T TURNOVER. IT WAS "BEND OVER."

[ SALESMEN "OOH" ]

THAT'S FINE. THAT'S FINE. THAT'S FINE.

I MEAN, YOU GOT YOUR WAY, I GOT MINE.

OF COURSE, MY WAY HAPPENED TO CATAPULT ME INTO FIRST PLACE,

BUT, UH, ANYWAY... [ LAUGHS ]

SERIOUSLY, THOUGH,

WE ALWAYS TALK ABOUT LISTENING TO THE CUSTOMERS,

BUT THIS MONTH, I FELT LIKE I ACTUALLY WAS.

SO, YEAH, I FEEL GOOD.

'CAUSE, UH, I'M A CAR SALESMAN, DAMN IT.

AND, UM, I MAKE PEOPLE HAPPY.

[ APPLAUSE ]

PROBABLY TOOK A LITTLE HIT, BUT...

[ Chuckling ] SO...

YEAH, UM...

TOOK A LITTLE HIT.

UM, BUT THAT'S -- THAT'S -- THAT'S TO BE EXPECTED.

UM, MONEY CAN'T BUY HAPPINESS.

[ SCOFFS ] WITH THAT SORRY-ASS CHECK,

YOU CAN'T EVEN BUY DINNER.

[ CHUCKLES ]

ALL RIGHT, LET'S TAKE A LITTLE PICTURE FOR THE WALL.

SALESMAN OF THE MONTH.

[ APPLAUSE ]

[ CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS ]

HEY. COACH FORD?

YES, SIR. ARE YOU, UH, ALBERT'S DAD?

I AM. I AM. WHERE IS HE?

I CAN'T GET ON THE BUS.

[ HUMMING ]

[ CHUCKLES ]

BA! HERE YOU GO. THERE YOU GO.

THANK YOU.

YO!

THAT'S THE TICKET RIGHT THERE.

MM-HMM. [ SIGHS ]

SO WHAT IS THE GOOD WORD?

WELL, MY REALTOR CALLED.

I THINK WE'RE GONNA GET A COUPLE OFFERS.

YAY.

LOOKS LIKE WE'RE FINALLY GONNA SELL THIS DAMN

HOUSE AFTER ALL.

CONGRATS. THAT'S GREAT.

MM.

MAYBE THE MISSUS WILL FINALLY GET OFF MY BACK

AND ONTO HER BACK,

IF YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING.

YOU'RE SUCH A PIG, DAVE.

[ Chuckling ] DON'T TELL HER I SAID THAT.

BY THE WAY, WE HAD A COUPLE OF HOT-DOG PACKS LEFT OVER.

SO...

THE OSCAR MAYER GOES TO...

MY MAN TERRY.

OKAY. THANKS!

ERIKA? NO, THANK YOU.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

[ CELLPHONE RINGS ] [ MUTTERING ]

GOD. [ BEEPS ]

HEARNSIE! YOU SICK SON OF A BITCH!

YOU SENT THAT FILTH TO THE E-MAIL I SHARE WITH MY WIFE!

USE THE HOTMAIL ACCOUNT, MAN.

WELL, THAT WAS FUN.

AND WE DID SOME PRETTY GOOD ACTING,

IF I DO SAY SO MYSELF. MM.

SADLY, SOME OF THE BEST ACTING --

OR, ACTUALLY, THE ONLY ACTING --

THAT I'VE DONE IN A LONG TIME.

WELL, TOO BAD THERE WEREN'T CAMERAS AROUND.

[ Chuckling ] YEAH, TOO BAD.

SO, YOU KIND OF GOT BABY ON THE BRAIN, HUH?

WHO, ME? YEAH.

THAT'S JUST ACTING. [ CHUCKLES ]

THE KIND OF ACTING THAT WINS YOU A PACK OF FRANKS.

[ CHUCKLES ] UH-HUH.

WELL, HERE'S TO OUR HAPPY FAMILY.

LET'S SEE -- THOMAS, ISABELLE,

THE TWINS -- JOSEPH AND JAMES...

UH, TAESHA --

NOW, YOU THREW ME ON THAT ONE.

JUST TRYING TO KEEP YOU ON YOUR TOES.

AND THE OTHER 40 OR 50.

[ BOTTLES CLINK ]

MM.

SO, YOU KNOW, I WAS GONNA GO GRAB SOME THAI FOOD.

THERE'S A GREAT RESTAURANT ON, UH, WESTWOOD.

THEY MAKE THIS WICKED GREEN CURRY.

FIGURED SINCE WE'RE ALREADY HUSBAND AND WIFE,

WE SHOULD PROBABLY GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER A

LITTLE BIT MORE, HUH?

OH, HEY, YOU MADE IT JUST IN TIME.

I THINK THE OWNER'S GETTING READY TO CLOSE UP SHOP.

THIS IS KIND OF AWKWARD.

MY "HUSBAND"... MEETING MY BOYFRIEND.

UH...

[ LAUGHS ] [ CHUCKLES ]

TERRY, THIS IS KEN. KEN, THIS IS TERRY.

YEAH, RIGHT, YOUR "HUSBAND." RIGHT.

HEY, MAN. HOW YOU DOING?

READY? YEAH, YEAH.

SO, I HOPE TO SEE YOU SOON.

MAYBE AT A REAL ACTING GIG.

BYE, TERRY.

SEE YOU, KEN!

[ CHUCKLES ]

I DON'T KNOW, DAD.

I JUST DON'T WANT TO GET ON IT.

I CAN'T EXPLAIN IT.

YOU'RE SURE IT'S NOTHING TO DO WITH A BULLY?

ON THE GOLF TEAM?

I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW.

IS IT ABOUT -- IS IT A GIRL?

IS THERE SOME GUY ON THE BUS

THAT'S GOING OUT WITH A GIRL YOU LIKE OR SOMETHING?

NO, DAD.

DOES IT HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH A BOY --

BOY ON THE GOLF TEAM?

YEAH, MAYBE IN THE LOCKER ROOM,

AND YOU JUST -- YOU FELT SOMETHING DIFFERENT.

OKAY, FORGET IT. FORGET IT. FORGET IT.

MAYBE I JUST SHOULDN'T BE ON THE STUPID GOLF TEAM!

NO, NO. NO, NO, NO.

CONE ON, ALBERT. THIS IS NO BIG DEAL.

OKAY? I GET WEIRD FEELINGS ALL THE TIME.

THE OTHER DAY, I-I-I COULDN'T STOP NOTICING MY NOSE.

EVERYWHERE I LOOKED IN MY EYESIGHT,

I SAW MY NOSE.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

NOT REALLY.

HOW ABOUT THIS? YOU EVER GET THIS?

SOMETIMES I HAVE TO REMIND MYSELF TO BREATHE.

SWEAR TO GOD.

IT'S NUTS. I...

I'M -- I'M IN A SITUATION,

AND MAYBE IT'S A LITTLE BIT UNCOMFORTABLE,

AND -- AND IT'S LIKE -- I DON'T EVEN REALIZE --

I START HOLDING MY BREATH.

I DO THAT, TOO.

REALLY?

YEAH.

WHENEVER I GET SHAKY.

SHAKY?

SOMETIMES...

SOMETIMES I KIND OF GET THIS SHAKY FEELING,

BUT IT'S, LIKE, ON THE INSIDE.

YEAH, ALBERT, THAT'S, UH, THAT'S ANXIETY.

THAT'S ALL THAT IS.

I MEAN, THAT'S -- I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

THAT'S -- THAT'S ALL RIGHT. THAT'S -- THAT HAPPENS.

YEAH. I GUESS THAT'S WHY I DON'T WANT TO GET ON THE BUS.

WHAT IF THAT HAPPENS WHEN I'M ON THERE?

HEY, HEY.

REMEMBER THE MIND'S-EYE THING?

YEAH. IT TOTALLY WORKED.

DAMN RIGHT IT TOTALLY WORKED.

Coach Ford: HEY. OKAY.

WE REALLY GOT TO GET GOING.

YEAH.

WHAT IF I FOLLOW THE BUS IN MY CAR?

OKAY? SO...

YOU -- YOU GET ON THE BUS,

AND -- AND YOU DO THE MIND'S-EYE THING.

IT'S THE SAME IDEA LIKE IN GOLF.

GET ON THE BUS,

AND -- AND IF YOU FEEL LIKE YOU'RE GETTING SHAKY,

YOU KNOW, YOU JUST CLOSE YOUR EYES,

AND -- AND YOU VISUALIZE

THAT YOU'RE IN THE CAR WITH ME.

YOU REALIZE YOU'RE REALLY IN THE CAR WITH ME.

THIS ISN'T YOUR MIND'S EYE, RIGHT?

YEAH, YEAH. JUST CHECKING.

LET'S HAVE SOME TUNES, BABY.

[ LITTLE FEAT'S "WILLIN'" PLAYS ]

DAD, REALLY?

YEAH, REALLY. COME ON, MAN. IT'S CLASSIC!

GET USED TO IT. MY CAR, MY MUSIC.

I'M USING MY MIND'S EAR

AND PRETEND IT'S MY MUSIC.

♪ I BEEN WARPED BY THE RAIN, DRIVEN BY THE SNOW ♪

♪ I'M DRUNK AND DIRTY, DON'T YOU KNOW ♪

♪ AND I'M STILL ♪

♪ WILLIN' ♪

♪ AND I WAS OUT ON THE ROAD LATE AT NIGHT ♪

♪ I SEE MY PRETTY ALICE... ♪

HEY. HEY.

♪ DALLAS ALICE ♪

♪ AND I'VE BEEN FROM TUCSON TO TUCUMCARI ♪

[ GRUNTS ]

[ LAUGHING ]

[ SMOOCHING ]

MMM, WHAT'S THAT FOR?

BECAUSE YOU WERE RIGHT.

I WAS?

YEAH, REMEMBER WHEN YOU SAID

THAT YOU BET I COULD MAKE MYSELF HAPPY AT WORK?

MM-HMM.

WELL, THIS PAST WEEK,

I DECIDED NOT TO BE THE BAD GUY.

I HAD A LOT OF FUN.

I SOLD A BUNCH OF CARS, AND PEOPLE DIDN'T HATE ME.

ONE WOMAN EVEN GAVE ME A HUG.

OH, THAT IS SO GOOD, SWEETIE!

NOW, YOU SEE?

SEE, YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO ME SOMETIMES,

'CAUSE, SEE, I KNOW THINGS.

YEAH. YOU KNEW.

YOU ALWAYS KNOW.

OH!

I GOT PAID TODAY.

[ GASPS, CHUCKLES ]

[ BOTTLES CLINK, BOTTLE CAP POPS, REFRIGERATOR DOOR CLOSES ]

MONDAY MORNING, I GO BACK TO MAKING LITTLE GIRLS CRY.