Original subtitles

[ INDISTINCT WHISPERING ]

[ CHUCKLES ]

OH, NO.

[ WHISPERING CONTINUES ]

OH.

UNBELIEVABLE. YOU'RE AN AMAZING MAN.

[ BELL JINGLES ]

COME ON, MAN. WHAT'S THAT?

Terry: SHE'S JUST A FRIEND.

Joe: [ CHUCKLES ] Owen: YOU KNOW

WHY THAT'S BULLSHIT?

YOU'RE A 49-YEAR-OLD MAN.

HOW MANY 16-YEAR-OLD FRIENDS YOU GOT?

SHE'S NOT 16.

YEAH, BUT SHE'S CLOSER TO 16 THAN 49, I'LL TELL YOU THAT.

AGE IS JUST A NUMBER, MY FRIENDS. JUST A NUMBER.

OH, COME ON. SHE'S A FRICKING CHILD.

SHE'S NOT A CHILD. COME ON, MAN.

NOW YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SEE ALL THE "TWILIGHT" MOVIES.

[ CHUCKLES ]

HEY, WHAT WAS OUR TIME ON THE TRAIL TODAY?

YOU KNOW, WE WERE FAST.

WE BEAT OUR RECORD BY A MINUTE AND A HALF GOING UP.

NO, NO, NO, NO. WE'RE NOT -- WE'RE NOT CHANGING THE SUBJECT.

TELL US MORE ABOUT YOUR FRIEND -- THE YOUNG, HOT GIRL.

ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT, FINE.

HER NAME IS ANNIE.

SHE'S 25. SHE'S A WRITER.

OH, MY GOD. 25?!

YOU'RE DATING A 25-YEAR-OLD?

WE'RE NOT DATING.

THAT'S A NEW RECORD FOR YOU.

WE'RE NOT DATING. YEAH, BUT YOU GOT

YOUR WHOLE SCENT OUT THERE.

SHE'S IN YOUR LITTLE TRAP, YOUR LITTLE QUICKSAND THING.

WHOA, WHOA, I'M CONFUSED.

I GOT A TRAP, AND IT'S FILLED WITH QUICKSAND?

WHOA, WHOA! WHOA!

UHH!

SON OF A BITCH! ASSHOLE!

ARE YOU OKAY?

YEAH. IT GOT MOSTLY SHIRT, NOT SKIN.

Man: HEY. HOW'S IT GOING?

HEY! HEY!

HEY, HEY. YOU ALMOST HIT ME BACK THERE.

HEY, WHAT? WHAT, ARE YOU GONNA JUST KEEP DRIVING?

YOU WENT THROUGH THE STOP SIGN.

WHAT? YOU'RE JUST GONNA DRIVE --

I'LL GET A PICTURE OF HIM. HOLD ON.

I'LL TAKE HIS PICTURE, MAN. HOLD ON.

[ CELLPHONE BEEPS ]

OH, WAIT. THAT'S US. SHIT, I HAD IT BACKWARDS.

OH, MY GOD. IS THIS ME?

THIS JACKET IS TOO TIGHT. WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?

HERE, LET ME GET A PICTURE OF YOUR SHIRT. HOLD ON.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? [ CELLPHONE BEEPS ]

DID YOU GET IT?

NO, I HIT THE CALENDAR.

IT'S NOT ROSH HASHANAH. THIS IS WRONG.

♪ WHEN I GROW UP TO BE A MAN ♪

♪ WILL I DIG THE SAME THINGS THAT TURN ME ON AS A KID? ♪

♪ WILL I JOKE AROUND ♪

♪ WILL I STILL JOKE AROUND ♪

♪ AND STILL DIG THOSE SOUNDS ♪

♪ AND STILL DIG THOSE SOUNDS ♪

♪ WHEN I GROW UP TO BE A MAN? ♪

[ HORN HONKS ]

[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]

[ MUMBLES ]

[ LUCY SCOFFS ]

OHH. EVERY MORNING.

EVERY MORNING, THAT'S HIS BREAKFAST.

OH, MAN.

DAD, HE -- HE'S GONNA DIE.

OH, YEAH.

NEXT TIME YOU SLEEP OVER,

YOU'RE PROBABLY NOT GONNA SEE HIM.

YOU'RE GONNA DIE, MORT. MIND YOUR BUSINESS, JOE.

[ CHUCKLES ]

HEY, MORNING, JOE.

HEY, NICKY.

I AM DEEPLY SORRY YOU KIDS HAD TO EXPERIENCE THAT.

AT LEAST IT'S NOT SATURDAY WHEN HE'S LAYING OUT

BY THE POOL.

HE LOOKS LIKE AN ALBINO TEDDY BEAR.

[ LAUGHTER ]

ALL RIGHT, THANKS.

SO, DAD...YOU KNOW A LOT OF PEOPLE HERE, HUH?

WHAT -- OH, NO. I MEAN, YEAH.

YOU GET TO KNOW PEOPLE IF YOU STAY HERE LONG ENOUGH --

THE REGULARS, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

ARE ALL THE PEOPLE HERE GETTING DIVORCED?

NO. I DON'T KNOW.

BUT, UH, YOU ARE GONNA GET, LIKE,

A REAL APARTMENT?

SOON.

YEAH, I JUST -- BEFORE I GET A PLACE,

I WANT TO... JUST MAKE SURE, YOU KNOW.

JUST...YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN.

Sonia: OH. HEY, GUYS.

HEY.

I'M SORRY -- WE'VE GOT TO RUN

'CAUSE I HAD TO PARK IN THE HANDICAP AGAIN.

OH, ONLY ONE GUY USES THAT. YOU KNOW, HE'S GONE.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT? HE'S FAKING IT.

OH. [ CHUCKLES ]

STILL, I GET NERVOUS. SO, ARE YOU GUYS READY?

YEAH. ALL RIGHT.

BYE, DAD. BYE. SEE YOU LATER.

OH, DAD, CAN I TAKE A BAGEL?

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. HURRY UP.

HEY, I'M PICKING THEM UP TODAY?

YEAH, WHY? YOU STILL CAN, RIGHT?

'CAUSE I'M AT THE EYE DOCTOR THIS AFTERNOON.

YEAH -- NO, NO, I JUST...

FOR A SECOND, I THOUGHT IT WAS TOMORROW.

NO, IT'S TODAY. ALL RIGHT.

THANKS. OKAY. OKAY.

BYE, DAD. ALL RIGHT,

I GUESS BYE-BYE.

SEE YA. SEE YOU LATER, ALBERT.

Albert: BYE, DAD.

♪ WHOO ♪

♪ WHOO, WHOO-HOO-HOO ♪

HEY, WHAT'S UP, DADDY?

I NEED YOUR CAR, SON.

UH, REALLY? YEAH. COME ON, NOW.

LAWRENCE HAS GOT UPS.

THEY WANT A GRAY MALIBU -- LEATHER, NAV SYSTEM.

SO, UH, WHERE'S MY NEW ONE?

RIGHT HERE.

OH, DADDY, COME ON.

WE'VE GOT A MERITOCRACY HERE, SON. YOU KNOW THAT.

YOU WANT TO GET YOUR PICK OF DEMOS, YOU GET YOUR NUMBERS UP.

[ ENGINE REVVING ]

[ INDISTINCT TALKING OVER P.A. ]

HEY, OWEN.

THAT'S A HYBRID, RIGHT?

YOU GOT TO DO THE FLINTSTONE LEGS THING TO GET IT GOING?

YOU MIGHT WANT TO CHECK THE BACK

AND MAKE SURE ALL THE CLOWNS MADE IT OUT ALL RIGHT.

[ CHUCKLES ]

♪ YOU TELL ME THAT YOU'RE LEAVING ♪

♪ I CAN'T BELIEVE... ♪

YOU MOVING, MR. T?

NO. NO, I JUST...

I DON'T KNOW. IF I FIND SOMETHING.

HEY, DASHAUN. ARE YOU LISTENING TO YOUR iPod AGAIN?

YOU CAN'T DO THAT WITH CUSTOMERS. TAKE IT OUT.

YEAH, I... COME ON.

I KNOW. IT'S JUST...

COME ON, MAN. YOUR MUSIC IS JUST...

COME ON.

WHO IS THIS LADY SINGING RIGHT NOW?

THIS IS NEIL SEDAKA, OKAY, AND HE IS A CLASSIC SINGER.

THIS IS GOOD MUSIC.

I'M GONNA GO. NO, NO. I GOT IT.

I GOT IT. I GOT IT. I GOT IT.

HEY. HI. CAN I HELP YOU?

HI. YES, THANKS.

I NEED TO GET SOME BALLOONS FOR A BIRTHDAY PARTY.

YEAH, OKAY. UH...

[ GRUNTING ]

YEAH, THAT'S, UH... WE'VE GOT A LOT OF VARIETY.

THANKS. YEAH.

SO, LET ME KNOW IF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS.

THANKS.

I'VE SEEN YOU HIKING, RIGHT?

I'VE SEEN --

YEAH, I'VE SEEN YOU. YOU HIKE.

OKAY, RIGHT. I SEE YOU UP THERE ALL THE TIME.

YEAH, I GO UP THERE.

I GO UP THERE A LOT. WELL, THAT'S WEIRD. THAT'S WEIRD.

I KNEW I HAD SEEN YOU, BUT I DIDN'T THINK YOU HAD SEEN ME.

OH, WELL, WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEEN ME

AND I WOULDN'T HAVE SEEN YOU?

NO. UH, NO REASON, REALLY.

JUST...I'M JUST ALWAYS UP THERE IN MY HEAD.

I'VE GOT MY CD PLAYING ALL THE TIME, SO I JUST --

I-I DIDN'T THINK YOU HAD SEEN ME THERE.

LISTENING TO MUSIC DOESN'T MAKE YOU INVISIBLE.

[ CHUCKLES ] RIGHT.

RIGHT, RIGHT.

THOUGH SOMETIMES YOU WISH IT DID, RIGHT?

I GUESS...SOMETIMES. YEAH.

YEAH. SOMETIMES.

OKAY. ANYWAY...

EVERYTHING'S IN THERE. I'M GONNA TAKE A LOOK --

YEAH.

YEAH. YEAH. ALL THE BALLOONS

ARE IN THERE.

SO IF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS, LET ME KNOW.

[ INHALES SHARPLY ]

THAT WAS HARD TO WATCH, MAN.

TAKE THE iPod OUT. PULL YOUR PANTS UP.

♪ I WISH THAT WE WERE MAKING UP AGAIN ♪

♪ I BEG OF YOU ♪

♪ DON'T SAY... ♪

[ KEYS CLACKING, TELEPHONES RINGING ]

[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]

[ COMPUTER BEEPS ]

[ SIGHS ] DAMN IT.

OH, NO, ARE YOU TRYING TO GET PORN UP ON THERE?

HUH?

YEAH, THEY WON'T LET YOU WATCH THAT STUFF HERE, BRO.

NO -- I'VE GOT SOME CRAZY DOWNLOADS

ON MY HOME LAPTOP.

I'LL BRING IT IN TOMORROW FOR YOU.

ACTUALLY, I'M JUST TRYING TO FIND A LICENSE PLATE.

OH, REALLY?

YEAH, THIS JERK BLEW THROUGH A STOP SIGN TODAY

AND ALMOST HIT ME, AND I JUST THOUGHT --

"I'M GONNA FIND HIM AND THROW HIM A BEATING!"

YEAH, BOY. I'LL WINGMAN THAT SHIT.

NO, NO, NO, I DON'T -- I DON'T NEED TO WINGMAN ANY SHIT.

JUST LISTEN, SON.

MY BROTHER'S A COP. HE'LL TOTALLY RUN THE PLATES FOR YOU.

REALLY?

WELL, THAT WOULD BE GREAT.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

SOME JERK SWIPED TERRY WITH HIS CAR TODAY,

SO WE'RE GONNA RAIN A LITTLE

FRONTIER-JUSTICE BEATDOWN ON HIM.

HE'S GOT MAYBE HALF OF THAT RIGHT.

OH, MY GOD, I'M SO WITH YOU.

THERE'S SO MANY JERKS IN THIS WORLD.

JUST LAST SATURDAY, THIS CABLE GUY COMES OVER TO THE HOUSE

'CAUSE WE'RE RUNNING A LINE INTO THE BABY'S ROOM, YOU KNOW.

SO I ASK ABOUT MAYBE A LITTLE HBO ON THE SIDE.

AND RIGHT AWAY, IT'S, "SORRY, CAN'T DO IT, SIR."

WOW. WERE THERE ANY OTHER CRIMES HE WOULDN'T COMMIT FOR YOU?

NO, BUT -- BUT SERIOUSLY, HE WAS A JERK ABOUT IT.

LEFT A FEW DIRTY FINGERPRINTS ON THE OUTLETS, ALSO.

PROBABLY DELIBERATE. REAL JERK.

I STILL TIPPED HIM, BUT NOT AS MUCH,

SO HE REALLY DIDN'T GET AWAY WITH IT.

[ CHUCKLES ]

SPEAKING OF DICKS.

OH, NO, HE'S A GOOD GUY.

AND A GOOD DAD. HE'S GOT HIS BABY WATCHING HBO.

[ LAUGHS ] THAT'S AWESOME.

[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]

YEAH, THAT SATURDAY GAME, HUH?

THAT'S GONNA BE SOME SHOOTOUT.

OH, YEAH.

YEAH, BET THE OVER ON THAT ONE.

YOU THROWING DOWN A BET SOMEWHERE?

'CAUSE I'LL PUT DOWN A HUNDRED.

NO, NO.

NO, I DON'T -- NAH, I'M NOT A GAMBLER.

I USED TO, YOU KNOW, A LITTLE BIT HERE AND THERE.

YEAH, WHY DID YOU STOP? YOU WIN TOO MUCH?

YEAH. YEAH, YEAH.

OH, HEY, LISTEN, BEFORE I FORGET,

TOMORROW IS CHET'S LAST DAY.

HE'S FINALLY DONE WITH THAT TOLL-ROAD PROJECT.

OH, YEAH?

I THINK MICHELLE'S TAKING OFF, TOO.

SO, LISTEN, UH, WE'RE HAVING A LITTLE GOING-AWAY HAPPY HOUR

UP IN CHET'S ROOM TOMORROW NIGHT.

NO BIG DEAL. JUST SOME OF THE LIFERS.

SO, YOU WANT TO COME?

YEAH. YEAH, YEAH. I'M NOT A LIFER.

YOU KNOW, I'VE JUST BEEN HERE A COUPLE MONTHS.

BUT IF I'M AROUND...

YEAH, I'LL GO IF I'M AROUND, YEAH.

SOUNDS GOOD. COOL.

I'M NOT... I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN GO.

BUT IF I DO, UH, SHOULD I BRING SOMETHING?

YEAH, YOU KNOW, UH, BEER, DRINKS, WHATEVER.

ALL RIGHT. YEAH.

SO, LIKE WHAT?

LIKE A -- LIKE A BOTTLE OF GIN

OR VODKA OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT?

YEAH, THAT'LL -- THAT'LL DO THE TRICK, YEAH.

OKAY.

BEER.

I'LL BRING BEER. RIGHT?

WHAT KIND? WHAT KIND SHOULD I BRING?

I DON'T KNOW, MAN. HOW ABOUT, UH, NOT SHITTY?

OKAY. ALL RIGHT, I'LL DO MY BEST. YEAH.

[ CHUCKLES ]

ALL RIGHT, MAN. SEE YOU.

IS THAT YOUR NEW CAR, DADDY?

YEAH.

THAT'S TOO SMALL FOR HULK.

YES, IT IS.

[ DOOR OPENS ]

OH, NO. WHAT IS THAT MAN THINKING?

WE HAVE A FAMILY.

THERE'S NO USE GETTING UPSET.

THIS IS, UH, WHAT HAPPENS.

WELL, WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU PICK THE BOYS UP FROM FOOTBALL

AND YOU HAVE ALL THE EQUIPMENT AND THE BABY SEAT?

IT WILL FIT. [ SCOFFS ]

KIND OF.

I'LL TAKE THE MINIVAN ON THAT DAY.

NO, NO, NO. I HAVE TO BRING THEM TO FOOTBALL.

IT JUST -- HONEY, COME ON.

WAIT A MINUTE.

OH, YEAH, THE CABLE GUY CAME AND HOOKED THAT UP TODAY.

OH, MY.

YOU LIKE IT, HUH?

I LIKE IT VERY MUCH.

OH, IT'S JUST THAT -- YOU KNOW, IT'S BEEN SIX MONTHS

OF THESE DAMN RENOVATIONS, AND FINALLY SOMETHING WORKS.

[ CHUCKLES ]

WELL, I'M GLAD YOU'RE HAPPY, HONEY.

Announcer: BOTTOM OF THE THIRD, TWO MEN OUT. NOBODY ON.

[ SIGHS ]

HEY, YOU KNOW, UH -- YOU KNOW WHO CAME IN THE STORE?

FANTASY WOMAN.

REALLY? YEAH.

I KEEP HEARING ABOUT THIS FANTASY WOMAN. IS SHE REAL?

OR IS IT LIKE, UM...

YOU KNOW, WHEN KIDS HAVE AN IMAGINARY FRIEND?

YEAH, NO. SHE'S REAL. SHE'S REAL.

I SPOKE TO HER THIS TIME.

YOU TALKED TO HER? MM-HMM.

HOW DID THAT GO? GOOD.

GOOD. SHE CAME IN. SHE -- SHE ASKED ABOUT BALLOONS.

I APOLOGIZED FOR MY ERECTION, AND THEN SHE LEFT.

[ LAUGHS ] WHAT DO YOU

GOT TO APOLOGIZE FOR?

THAT'S A COMPLIMENT. IT'S, UH -- IT'S FLATTERING.

NOT WITH MY DICK.

[ LAUGHTER ]

MM, SPEAKING OF DICKS,

REMEMBER THAT GUY FROM YESTERDAY IN THE CAR?

I RAN THE PLATE.

WHAT?

RAN THE PLATE? WHAT ARE YOU, MANNIX?

NO, THIS -- THIS GUY IN THE OFFICE -- THANKS --

HIS, UH, BROTHER'S A COP,

AND HE LOOKED UP THE LICENSE-PLATE NUMBER

AND THEN GOT THE GUY'S ADDRESS.

YEAH, SO?

I MEAN, WHAT, ARE YOU GONNA GO OVER THERE

AND GO ALL "BILLY JACK" ON HIM?

OH, REMEMBER THAT MOVIE?

YEAH, THAT'S A GOOD MOVIE.

YEAH, SO -- YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. SO, WHO'S COMING WITH ME?

REALLY? WHAT -- FOR WHAT?

WHY SHOULD WE LET THE GUY GET AWAY WITH IT?

BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS IN LIFE.

PEOPLE ARE DICKS, AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT.

BUT THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING. THIS TIME HE DEALS WITH US.

WELL, WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO?

WE'LL FIGURE SOMETHING OUT. I...

THIS IS SO YOU.

WHY IS THIS SO ME?

JUST, YOU KNOW, YOUR WHOLE PETER PAN THING,

YOU KNOW, WITH NO COMMITMENTS

AND TIME TO INDULGE EVERY LITTLE NOTION

THAT COMES IN YOUR HEAD.

"HEY, SOME GUY MADE ME SPILL MY COFFEE.

WHY DON'T I SPEND THE WHOLE DAY TRACKING HIM DOWN?"

THIS ISN'T JUST ABOUT THE COFFEE.

OKAY? HE RAN A STOP SIGN.

RIGHT? HE ALMOST KILLED US.

I'M A GROWN MAN WITH ACTUAL SHIT TO DO --

A WIFE, KIDS, MORTGAGE -- THINGS THAT COUNT.

I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR FOOLISHNESS.

WHY DO YOU GOT TO TAKE A BIG BITE AND TALK?

I SEE EVERYTHING -- I GOT IT ALL.

FELLAS. FELLAS, SERIOUSLY.

NOBODY WANTS TO DO THIS?

WE'RE PUSHING 50 HERE.

WE'VE BEEN DEALING WITH DICKS ALL OF OUR LIVES.

RIGHT, AND GUESS WHAT. THE DICKS ARE WINNING.

SO NOW WE'VE GOT A CHANCE TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT,

YOU GUYS ARE JUST GONNA LET IT SLIDE?

AGAIN?

I MEAN...JUST LET THE DICK OFF THE HOOK ONE MORE TIME?

YEAH. I TOLD YOU, I GOT --

I GOT THINGS TO DO.

IT'S RIDICULOUS.

OKAY. OKAY, FORGET IT.

I GUESS...I'M THE DICK.

WELL, THERE YOU GO. YEAH.

RUN YOUR PLATE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ Laughing ] OKAY. OKAY.

THAT WAS FUNNY WHEN HE SAID, "I RAN THE PLATE."

I JUST ABOUT LOST IT.

GET THE, UH, MALIBU.

YOU CAN'T SEND THE MALIBU.

OH, HEY, UH, MELISSA, YOU JUST MISSED HIM. HE WENT TO LUNCH.

OH, SHOOT.

WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT?

I THINK I'M JUST GONNA PUT THIS ON HIS DESK

IN CASE HE GETS HUNGRY LATER.

OKAY?

DID SHE SAY "IN CASE"?

[ CHUCKLES ]

HE WILL BE HUNGRY.

[ FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING ]

[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]

Melissa: KNOCK, KNOCK. HEY.

MELISSA, SWEETHEART. HOW ARE YOU DOING?

OH, GOOD.

AH. UH, OWEN'S PROBABLY AT LUNCH.

OH, YEAH, I-I HEARD.

UM, ACTUALLY, I WANTED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT SOMETHING.

OKAY.

WELL, YOU KNOW, IT -- IT'S JUST...

[ SIGHS ]

I MEAN... [ CHUCKLES ]

YOU -- YOU GAVE OWEN THAT TINY LITTLE DEMO.

OH.

I GUESS THAT CAR'S PROBABLY NOT YOUR FAVORITE.

UNH-UNH. [ CHUCKLES ]

BASICALLY, WHAT WE'VE GOT HERE IS A MERITOCRACY.

DRIVING A NICE DEMO IS BASED ON HOW WELL YOU DO YOUR JOB,

AND, UH, IT KIND OF MOTIVATES THE SALESMEN.

YEAH, I-I WAS IN THE BUSINESS WORLD FOR A LONG TIME,

SO I GET THAT.

BUT I'M SAYING THAT THIS IS OWEN...

AND WE HAVE THREE KIDS.

MELISSA, I HOPE YOU'RE NOT SAYING

THAT I SHOULD SHOW FAVORITISM TO OWEN JUST BECAUSE HE'S MY SON.

YOU KNOW, I DON'T -- I DON'T DO THAT.

IN FACT, I'M SURPRISED YOU'D EVEN ASK THAT.

NO, NO, NO, LISTEN.

SEE, BECAUSE IT UNDERMINES MY CREDIBILITY,

AND IT UNDERMINES HIS CREDIBILITY.

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

ARE YOU SAYING THAT IF YOU GAVE OWEN A CAR

THAT HIS WHOLE FAMILY COULD FIT IN,

EVERYTHING WOULD JUST FALL APART?

I GUESS YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND BUSINESS.

OH, NO, I UNDERSTAND BUSINESS.

AND THIS IS NOT BUSINESS.

THIS IS SOME OF YOUR PETTY BULLSHIT!

MELISSA, I DON'T THINK YOU UNDERSTAND YOUR PLACE HERE.

OH, NO, I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE MY PLACE IS --

CRAMMED IN THE BACKSEAT OF THAT CRAPPY CAR!

WELL, WHAT ABOUT THAT FINE MINIVAN

THAT I THINK I SOLD YOU AT COST?!

WAIT, DO YOU WANT ME TO THANK YOU NOW?!

YOU'RE A GOOD SALESMAN, BUT YOU'RE NOT THAT GOOD!

IF YOU WANT TO BLAME ME FOR SOMETHING,

WHY DON'T YOU BLAME ME FOR THIS HOUSE

THAT YOU'RE REBUILDING FOR NO GODDAMN GOOD REASON?!

YOU KNOW -- YOU -- YOU JUST WAIT AND SEE WHAT I...

[ DOOR SLAMS ]

[ DOOR SLAMS ]

[ TELEPHONE RINGING ]

[ INDISTINCT TALKING OVER P.A. ]

UH, HONEY, WHAT ARE YOU --

YOUR FATHER IS SUCH A... DICKHOLE!

WHAT?

[ CHUCKLES ] WHAT -- WHAT HAPPENED?

UH, YOUR WIFE BROUGHT YOU LUNCH.

[ LOUD UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYING ]

[ MUSIC CONTINUES ]

DUDE! HEY, GUYS.

JOE! JOE!

JOE!

THERE HE IS. JOE.

Chet: HOW ARE YOU DOING? ALL RIGHT, HOW ARE YOU?

FANTASTIC. COME ON IN.

I GOT SOME BEER. Nick: WELL DONE. WELL DONE.

GOOD STUFF. WHAT CAN I GET YOU?

YEAH, I'LL TAKE ONE OF THOSE.

YEAH?

YEAH, YEAH. WOW, A LOT OF PEOPLE, HUH?

YEAH.

Chet: IT'S NOT A BAD TURNOUT. WE'VE HAD BETTER.

PEOPLE LIKE YOU, I GUESS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ DOGS BARKING IN DISTANCE ]

...POSITION TO SAY SOMETHING,

BUT SOMEBODY'S GOT TO DO SOMETHING, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

HE LOOKS LIKE A DICK, DUDE.

Shh. Shh, shh, shh.

LET'S TALK ABOUT THIS TOMORROW. START FRESH.

JUSTICE TIME.

ALL RIGHT, JUST, JUST...

[ CLEARS THROAT ] GIVE ME A SECOND.

ALL RIGHT.

Woman: JUST SLICE THE MELON LIKE THIS.

Melissa: HEY.

HEY.

[ SIGHS ]

BOY, THIS HD THING IS AWESOME.

[ CHUCKLES ]

I MEAN, JUST LOOK AT IT.

YOU CAN SEE ALL THE LITTLE BEADS OF JUICE IN THERE.

IT'S NICE.

I'M SORRY.

YOU CAN'T DO THAT.

I KNOW.

BUT THAT MAN --

MELISSA -- NO, LISTEN.

I KNOW THAT I SHOULD NOT HAVE GOTTEN THAT MAD.

AND I KNOW I DID NOT HANDLE THINGS WELL.

BUT IT'S JUST -- IT'S JUST SO FRUSTRATING!

THE WAY HE TREATS YOU, IT'S JUST NOT FAIR.

YOU CAN'T DO WHAT YOU DID, OKAY?

I CAN'T HAVE YOU DOWN THERE FIGHTING MY BATTLES.

I GOT TO GO DOWN THERE EVERY DAY

KNOWING PEOPLE THINK I GOT MY JOB BECAUSE OF MY DAD.

NOW EVERYBODY THINKS I GOT TO HAVE MY WIFE COME IN

AND GET ME SPECIAL FAVORS.

I DON'T NEED YOU TO DO THAT.

OKAY, I DON'T WANT YOU TO DO THAT.

HE'S MY FATHER, AND HE'S MY BOSS.

IN THIS CASE, HE'S MY BOSS.

I DEAL WITH IT. YOU GOT TO DEAL WITH IT.

OKAY.

OKAY.

[ SIGHS ]

[ SIGHS ]

AFTER TWO MONTHS, YOU KNOW, XEROX LOOKS AT ME AND SAYS,

"WELL, NOW WE DON'T NEED YOU ANYMORE."

I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THERE FOR THREE MONTHS.

AND I WAS JUST SO G.D. EFFICIENT,

I ENDED UP DOWNSIZING MYSELF.

[ LAUGHTER ]

YEAH, BUT HOW DOES IT WORK, CONSULTING?

CONSULTING? IT'S A RACKET, JOE.

THAT'S WHAT IT IS. WELL,

I DIDN'T WANT TO SAY THAT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

YOU'VE GOT THE -- I MEAN, THE COMPANY'S THERE.

RIGHT? YOU'VE GOT EMPLOYEES.

THEY HIRE HER TO GO IN AND SAY,

"HEY, EMPLOYEES, DO YOUR JOB BETTER.

"AND FASTER.

OKAY, THAT'LL BE $10,000."

DAMN RIGHT.

WHAT, ARE YOU -- ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT

GETTING OUT OF THE PARTY-STORE BUSINESS, JOE?

OH, NO, NO. NO, NO.

WE WERE JUST -- WE WERE JUST SAYING,

DO YOU GUYS REMEMBER THE, UH -- THE TROLL DOLLS WITH THE HAIR?

OH, YEAH. I HAD, LIKE,

10 OF THOSE GROWING UP.

DO THEY EVEN HAVE THEM ANYMORE?

YOU SELL THEM? YOU DON'T SELL THEM, DO YOU?

WHAT DO YOU WANT -- 3-INCH, 6-INCH?

WHAT DO YOU NEED?

THAT'S NOT A TROLL DOLL HE'S TALKING ABOUT.

OH!

LOOK AT JOE GO!

WELL, IN THAT CASE, I MEANT 12-INCH.

OH! [ LAUGHS ]

THAT'S THE BEER TALKING. THAT'S THE "CHERVEZA."

[ INSECTS CHIRPING ]

HOLY SHIT!

JUST GO, MAN. JUST DO IT.

[ SIGHS ]

MAYBE WE SHOULD JUST GO HOME.

WHAT?

[ SIGHS ]

THIS IS STUPID.

THIS IS NOT STUPID!

OH.

YOU KNOW WHAT'S STUPID?

IS COMING ALL THE WAY DOWN HERE

AND THEN NOT EVEN DOING ANYTHING ABOUT IT.

I MEAN, YOU ARE GONNA BE TELLING PEOPLE

ABOUT THIS ONE DAY.

YOU'RE GONNA BE LIKE, "SO I WENT TO THE GUY'S

HOUSE, RIGHT?"

"OH, MY GOD, WHAT HAPPENED?"

"UM... YEAH, I WENT HOME."

THAT IS A TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE STORY!

LOOK, I SAY GO, MAN.

HAVE YOUR MOMENT. YOU KNOW, IT'LL SUCK OR IT WON'T.

AND THEN WE'LL GO GET A BEER. WHO CARES, DUDE?

BUT NO MATTER WHAT,

YOU ARE GONNA HAVE YOURSELF A STORY, MY FRIEND.

BOO-YAH!

THATABOY.

JUST SO YOU KNOW,

I-I DON'T REALLY THINK I HAVE TIME TO GET A BEER.

YEAH, OF COURSE. THAT'S FINE.

I'M JUST SAYING WE COULD.

CALLING A FRIEND OR WHATEVER.

[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]

[ LOCK DISENGAGES ]

CAN I HELP YOU?

UH, HI.

I'M, UM... [ CLEARS THROAT ]

IS YOUR, UH... IS YOUR HUSBAND HERE?

YES, BUT ARE YOU SELLING SOMETHING,

BECAUSE WE DON'T -- NO, NO.

NO, NO, NO, I JUST WANT TO, UM...

IT'S KIND OF HARD TO EXPLAIN, AND I --

HI, WHAT'S GOING ON?

UM...

UH, OKAY, UM...

[ CLEARS THROAT ]

YOU WERE DRIVING YESTERDAY,

AND YOU BLEW THROUGH A STOP SIGN, AND YOU ALMOST HIT ME.

OKAY.

I-I MEAN, I DON'T...

WAS THIS IN THE VALLEY, OVER BY WOODBRIDGE?

YEAH.

OKAY, SO, YOU'RE -- YOU'RE THE -- YOU'RE --

IS THAT WHY YOU KNOCKED ON MY WINDOW?

YEAH. YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.

YEAH, I-I UNDERSTAND.

UM, WELL, I-I HAD NO --

I-I DIDN'T THINK I BLEW THROUGH A STOP SIGN.

BUT IF I DID, LOOK, I'M -- I'M REALLY SORRY.

YEAH, WELL, YOU ALMOST HIT ME.

RIGHT.

I-I-I GUESS I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

I MEAN...

ARE THE COPS HERE OR SOMETHING?

NO. NO, NO, NO. NO ONE'S HERE EXCEPT ME.

OKAY, BUDDY, UM...

I REALLY DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT'S GOING ON,

BUT I THINK IT'S -- I THINK YOU BETTER GO.

I-I'M GONNA CALL THE POLICE.

YEAH.

NO, NO. I-I'M NOT TRYING TO --

HEY, HEY! HEY, HEY, HEY!

[ DOOR SLAMS, LOCK ENGAGES ]

YEAH.

Michelle: [ LAUGHS ] Joe: I DON'T KNOW.

I HAVE A LOT OF FAKE VOMIT IN THE STORE, SO...

I LOVE THAT STUFF. I USED TO --

YOU KNOW, THE WHOOPEE CUSHION IS THE BIGGEST SELLER, REALLY.

I BET. IT -- THAT DOESN'T SURPRISE ME.

OH, MY GOD. WHAT IS IT, LIKE, A THOUSAND DEGREES IN HERE?

DID YOU GUYS TURN OFF THE AIR-CONDITIONING

SO WE COULD ALL GET NAKED?

OH, YES, YES, YES. MY EVIL PLAN IS WORKING.

WELL, IT IS NOT GONNA WORK WITH ME.

MNH-MNH. JOE, HOLD THIS.

HOLD THIS RIGHT NOW, PLEASE.

[ SIGHS ] WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?

OH, GOD, PEOPLE WHO WERE SUPPOSED TO WATCH MICHELLE,

YOU'RE FIRED.

THERE SHE GOES.

DIDN'T I SEE THIS SHOW DOWN AT THE SPEARMINT RHINO?

OH! SEXUAL HARASSMENT!

OH, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

THAT'S NOT FUNNY. JOE, SCRUNCHY.

COME HERE.

I'M RAMBO.

OH, IT'S NICE.

THAT'S HOT.

THIS IS ME.

HEY, MORT'S IN THE SWIMMING POOL WITH HIS CLOTHES ON!

OH, HERE WE GO, PEOPLE.

HEY, STUPID, YOU STILL GOT YOUR BlackBerry IN YOUR POCKET?

YEAH?

THAT LOOKS VERY HOT.

THIS IS LIKE FA-- FABIO.

FABIO? YEAH.

[ CHUCKLES ] YEAH.

YEAH, CIRCA 1992. WE LIKE THAT, HMM?

[ UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYING ]

Chet: HEY! HEY!

HEY, HEY, HEY, GUYS, GET A ROOM, HUH?

THIS -- THIS IS A ROOM.

THAT'S A GOOD POINT.

THIS IS A ROOM, ISN'T IT?

YEAH, THERE'S A NAKED MAN IN THE POOL.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

OKAY?

HI.

YOU KNOW -- YOU KNOW WHAT? I'VE GOT TO GO.

I'VE GOT TO GO. HMM? OH.

YEAH, I'VE GOT -- MY -- MY KIDS, UH...

THEY'RE -- THEY'RE WAITING FOR ME TO PICK THEM UP.

AND, UH... OH, OKAY.

YEAH, THEY'RE PROBABLY WAITING FOR ME.

OH. SORRY.

HEY, CHET, GOOD LUCK WHEREVER YOU'RE GOING.

WHERE IS IT AGAIN? UH, DENVER.

OUT-- OUTSIDE OF DENVER.

GOOD LUCK, MAN. THANKS.

UH, I'LL -- YOU KNOW, MAYBE I'LL SEE YOU AGAIN.

THANKS, MAN. THANKS FOR COMING.

NO, IT'S FUN. IT WAS FUN.

I HAVE MY KIDS, AND I'VE GOT TO PICK THEM UP.

WE'LL SEE YOU AGAIN, ALL RIGHT? THANKS FOR COMING, JOE.

Michelle: BYE. BYE, JOE.

Woman: SEE YOU LATER, JOE.

ALL RIGHT, BYE, GUYS.

[ VIDEO GAME BEEPING ]

[ HORN HONKS ]

DAD'S HERE!

BYE, MOM!

Sonia: BYE, GUYS!

ALBERT, BRING THAT PERMISSION SLIP HOME

FOR ME TO SIGN FOR THE SeaWorld TRIP.

HE'S NOT LISTENING, MOM.

COME ON! I'M LATE EVERY DAY BECAUSE OF YOU!

I'M SAVING THE GAME, STUPID.

AND WHEN WERE WE LATE, LIAR?

YOU ARE SUCH A LIAR.

HEY, YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE PLAYING WITH THAT

IN THE MORNING ANYWAY.

COME ON. COME ON. HEY.

Albert: ALL RIGHT. COME ON. OH, HI.

HI. COME ON. ALBERT, LET'S GO.

COME ON. I'M GOOD.

COME ON, YOU'RE LATE ALREADY.

BYE, MOM. BYE.

YOU CAN'T PLAY THAT NOW.

UH...OKAY, GO.

GET IN THE CAR. COME ON. BE RIGHT THERE.

HEY, UM, I NEED TO MAKE AN APPOINTMENT WITH YOUR EYE GUY.

'CAUSE, YOU KNOW, I CAN'T EVEN READ A DAMN MENU ANYMORE.

OKAY. I'LL TEXT YOU HER NUMBER.

YEAH. YEAH, OKAY.

EXCEPT I CAN'T SEE THE BUTTONS ON MY THING,

SO I THINK WE'RE BOTH SCREWED.

[ BOTH CHUCKLE ]

WE GOT OLD. YEAH.

I'M LIKE SIX MONTHS AWAY FROM FLOMAX.

[ CHUCKLES ]

ALL RIGHT, I'LL SEE YOU LATER.

OKAY. BYE.

BYE-BYE.

HEY, UH... I JUST WANT TO ASK YOU.

WHAT'S...

WHAT -- I'M JUST TRYING TO...

FIGURE OUT WHAT'S --

WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH US, AS JUST DATING GOES?

[ EXHALES SHARPLY ]

ARE YOU -- I MEAN, DID YOU MEET SOMEONE?

NO. NO, I DID NOT. NO.

WELL, I MEAN, IT'S OKAY IF YOU DID BECAUSE, YOU KNOW --

NO, I DIDN'T. I DIDN'T MEET ANYBODY.

OKAY, OKAY. YOU'VE MET NO ONE.

YEAH, NO, I'M JUST...

I DON'T KNOW. I'M A LITTLE CONFUSED.

[ STAMMERS ]

YOU KNOW, UH, I'M JUST TRYING TO FIND OUT THE GROUND RULES.

WELL, THERE ARE NO RULES, JOE.

YOU JUST NEED TO DO WHATEVER FEELS RIGHT FOR YOU.

YEAH, I KNOW. I MEAN, THAT'S...

I MEAN, THAT'S WHY IT'S CONFUSING. I...

YOU KNOW, WHAT'S THE RIGHT ANSWER? WHO KNOWS?

[ CHUCKLES ]

YEAH, WELL...

MAYBE IT WOULD BE... HEALTHY FOR US TO...

YEAH.

YEAH, YEAH, OF COURSE.

YEAH, WE'LL DO IT AS WE GO.

WE'LL FIND OUT IF IT FEELS RIGHT. WE'LL KNOW.

YEAH, RIGHT. SEE WHAT HAPPENS.

OKAY, ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT, LET ME GO.

WHOA. YEAH, GO.

DON'T BE LATE.

ALL RIGHT, AND GIVE ME THE NUMBER,

'CAUSE MY EYES SUCK NOW.

OKAY, I'LL TEXT YOU. ALL RIGHT.

JUST KIDDING ABOUT THE FLOMAX.

EVERYTHING'S GOOD DOWN THERE, YOU KNOW. ALL RIGHT.

[ SIGHS, CLEARS THROAT ]

Woman on P.A.: USED CARS, YOU HAVE A CALL HOLDING ON LINE 2.

NO, NO. YOU HANDLED IT FINE.

I MEAN, COME WALKING RIGHT INTO MY OFFICE, NOW,

GONNA TELL ME HOW TO HANDLE MY EMPLOYEES.

AND I'VE BEEN DOING THIS 40 YEARS.

THAT'S NOT RIGHT.

NOW, SHE COME CALLING ME UP YESTERDAY AND APOLOGIZED.

SHE KNEW SHE WAS WRONG. MM-HMM.

I MEAN, GOING ON AND ON AND ON AND ON

ABOUT HOW SHE WAS IN THE BUSINESS WORLD.

NOW, YOU KNOW WHAT SHE WAS DOING?

WHAT?

MAGAZINE WRITING OR FOOD WRITING OR SOME NONSENSE LIKE THAT.

AND NOW SHE'S GONNA TELL ME ABOUT THE CAR BUSINESS.

IT'S NOT EXACTLY THE SAME BUSINESS.

YEAH.

WHAT WAS IT YOU SAID SHE CALLED ME?

A DICKHOLE.

[ LAUGHS ]

[ CHUCKLES ]

[ BOTH LAUGHING ]

POOR LITTLE THING CAN'T EVEN INSULT A PERSON CORRECTLY.

SO, UH, MELISSA CALLED YOU?

UH, YES, SHE DID.

AND I, UM... I GIVE HER CREDIT FOR THAT.

SHE ONLY CALLED YOU BECAUSE I ASKED HER TO.

OKAY.

I MEAN, IT WAS VERY WRONG, WHAT SHE DID.

WELL, I AGREE.

OF -- OF COURSE,

SHE WASN'T WRONG AT ALL ABOUT WHAT SHE WAS SAYING.

I SEE.

SO IT'S OKAY IF I GIVE YOU A CAR TO DRIVE

THAT YOU DON'T DESERVE?

OH, ABSOLUTELY NOT. BUT I DO DESERVE A BETTER CAR.

I DRIVE, BY FAR, THE WORST DEMO ON THE LOT.

LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION. AM I THE WORST SALESMAN ON THE LOT?

WELL...

BRUCE?

YOU ARE HAVING A BAD MONTH, SON,

BUT I DON'T THINK LAWRENCE HAS SOLD A CAR IN THREE WEEKS.

REALLY? DO WE HAVE TO GO THERE?

OKAY, SO, WHY DOES THE NOT-WORST SALESMAN

HAVE THE WORST CAR?

THAT ISN'T A MERITOCRACY, IS IT?

I MEAN, THAT -- THAT'S JUST...

SHITTING ON ME BECAUSE I'M YOUR SON.

AND HOW ABOUT ALL THE TIMES YOU LET A GUY

SLIDE THROUGH A BAD MONTH WITHOUT TAKING AWAY HIS CAR?

I KNOW I ALWAYS GOT TO GIVE MINE UP THE MINUTE MY NUMBERS DROP.

YOU'RE WORRIED ABOUT FAVORITISM.

BUT IN MY CASE, IT'S THE OPPOSITE OF FAVORITISM.

IT'S, UH...

SHIT-ITISM.

[ CHUCKLING ]

SHIT-ITISM.

FINANCE, PICK UP LINE 5. FINANCE, LINE 5.

THE WHOLE DAMN FAMILY CAN'T TALK.

YOU KNOW, YOU CAN PUT ANYTHING YOU WANT IN THESE PIÑATAS,

NOT JUST CANDY.

ZACH HAD YO-YOS IN HIS PIÑATA.

YO-YOS? WOW, THAT'S, UH... THAT'S PRETTY COOL.

YOU COULD DEFINITELY DO THAT IF YOU WANTED.

UH, I'M GONNA BE RIGHT BACK, OKAY,

SO WHY DON'T YOU LOOK AROUND?

AND WE'VE GOT PLENTY OF YO-YOS IF YOU WANT THEM.

HEY. HEY, WHAT'S UP? OH, HEY.

YEAH, I HAD A DROP-OFF IN THE AREA.

I THOUGHT, "SCREW IT, LET'S SETTLE UP NOW."

CAN YOU WEAR THESE UNDERWATER?

LET'S GO IN MY OFFICE. COME ON.

THAT IS A QUALITY MASK.

YEAH. I'M GONNA

GET A COUPLE OF THOSE.

LISTEN, UH, YOU CAN'T --

YOU CAN'T COME HERE DURING THE DAY

WHEN THE STORE'S OPEN LIKE THIS.

TAKE IT EASY, JOE. I'M NOT A CRIMINAL, OKAY?

YEAH, NO, I KNOW. IT'S JUST...

YOU KNOW, WHAT YOU DO, IT'S NOT EXACTLY LEGAL.

I GET IT. I GET IT.

SO, UH, I THINK $300 THIS WEEK, RIGHT?

TELL YOU THE TRUTH, IF I WASN'T DOING THIS,

I WOULD CHECK OUT THE WHOLE PARTY-STORE RACKET.

EVERYBODY'S HAPPY.

PLANNING ALL THE FUN SHIT THEY'RE GONNA DO.

IT'S A GOOD ATMOSPHERE.

EVERYBODY'S FRICKING SMILING OUT THERE.

EXCEPT THE PUERTO RICAN OLD DUDE.

BETTER KEEP AN EYE ON HIM.

YEAH. THAT'S CARLOS.

HE'S -- HE DON'T SMILE MUCH, NO, BUT HE'S GOOD.

HE'S A GOOD GUY.

WHAT ABOUT TONIGHT? YOU WANT SOMETHING?

UH...HOW ABOUT SATURDAY? WHAT'S THE, UH --

WHAT'S THE OVER/UNDER ON THE SATURDAY GAME?

158. YOU THROWING THIS OUT?

YOU CAN HAVE THAT.

UH, LET'S SEE. GIVE, UM...

UH...

GIVE ME $2,000 ON THE OVER.

WHOA.

$2,000?

WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?

YEAH. HEY, IT'S A NEW DAY, RIGHT?

NEW DAY.

NEW JOE.

YEAH? WELL, NEW COKE SUCKED, SO BE CAREFUL.

YEAH, I'M OKAY, BUT THAT'S IT.

YEAH, LET'S GO WITH THAT. $2,000, OVER.

OKAY, WEIRD JOE, YOU GOT IT.

WHAT DO YOU GOT, SOME KIND OF NEW SYSTEM YOU'RE TRYING OUT?

'CAUSE THAT NEVER WORKS.

I DON'T -- DO YOU WANT TO TALK ME OUT OF IT?

YOU'RE -- YOU'RE THE WORST SALESMAN EVER.

HEY, THIS SHIT SELLS ITSELF.

I'M LIKE A HOOKER.

I COULD TELL YOU MY PUSSY STINKS AND IT'S TOO BIG.

BUT IF YOU'RE HORNY, YOU'RE STILL GONNA POKE IT.

SO, NO MORE COMING DURING THE DAY, RIGHT?

RIGHT. GOT IT. OKAY.

HEY, NO, NO, NO. GO OUT THAT WAY.

YEAH, THAT'S THE PARKING LOT RIGHT THERE.

YOUR CAR'S RIGHT THERE.

ALL RIGHT, CATCH YOU NEXT TIME.

ALL RIGHT.

[ SIGHS ]

HMM.

SO, WHERE ARE YOUR TWO BUDDIES?

YEAH. YEAH, THOSE GUYS.

UM, THEY FOUND OUT YOU'RE 25,

SO I THINK THEY'RE BOTH HOME TAKING A COLD SHOWER.

[ Laughing ] OH!

THEY'RE CUTE.

YEAH, WELL, YOU WON'T THINK IT'S CUTE

WHEN THEY'RE OUTSIDE WITH THEIR PENISES

PRESSED UP AGAINST THE GLASS.

[ LAUGHS ] YEAH.

YOU'D BE SURPRISED.

SEE YOU LATER. BYE.

WHOA! HEY!

RIGHT?

[ TIRES SCREECH ] WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

[ DOOR OPENS ]

GET OFF THE PHONE, YOU --

HEY!

[ INTRO TO COVEN'S "ONE TIN SOLDIER" PLAYS ]

COME HERE, ASSHOLE.

HEY, HEY!

[ TIRES SCREECHING ] ♪ LISTEN, CHILDREN, TO A STORY ♪

♪ THAT WAS WRITTEN LONG AGO ♪

[ ENGINE REVVING ]

[ LAUGHS ]

♪ AND A VALLEY FAR BELOW ♪

MIKE: Yo, Claude? Yo, man.

Claude? Claude, pick up.

HEY, WHO'S THIS?

This is Mike. Who's this? Where's Claude?

HEY, MIKE. THIS IS TERRY.

CLAUDE WANTED ME TO TELL YOU

THAT HE'S GONNA BE A LITTLE LATE.

AND THE REASON IS BECAUSE HE'S A DICK.

♪ GO AHEAD AND CHEAT A FRIEND ♪

♪ DO IT IN THE NAME OF HEAVEN ♪

♪ YOU CAN JUSTIFY IT IN THE END ♪

♪ THERE WON'T BE ANY TRUMPETS BLOWING ♪

♪ ON THE JUDGMENT DAY ♪

♪ ON THE BLOODY MORNING AFTER ♪

Claude: HEY!

WOW. HE'S FAST. ♪ ONE TIN SOLDIER RIDES AWAY ♪

THEY'LL BE UP THERE.

♪ OOH, HOO, HOO ♪

[ LAUGHS ]

♪ ONE TIN SOLDIER RIDES AWAY ♪

[ MID-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYING ]

[ ENGINE SHUTS OFF ]

[ INDISTINCT TALKING OVER P.A. ]

WHAT'S GOING ON, DADDY?

GIVE ME THE KEYS, SON.

GO ON, PICK WHICHEVER ONE YOU'D LIKE.

OH. OH, OKAY, UM...

[ CHUCKLES ]

I, UM...

THANK YOU.

[ ENGINE REVS ]

[ ENGINE SHUTS OFF ]

[ DOG BARKING IN DISTANCE ]

REALLY?

YOU LIKE IT?

[ CHUCKLES ] HERE, CHECK THIS OUT.

[ ALARM CHIRPS ] MM.

PLENTY OF ROOM FOR FOOTBALL EQUIPMENT.

[ LAUGHS ]

YEAH.

I'M GONNA TAKE IT BACK TOMORROW.

BUT TODAY... [ EXHALES SHARPLY ]

WE'RE JUST PISSING OFF MARCUS.

HMM? HEY, SWEETIE.

[ Chuckling ] HEY.

THANK YOU FOR MAKING THE CALL TODAY.

ANYTIME.

YOU GOT A CORVETTE OUT OF IT.

[ CHUCKLES ]

FOR ONE NIGHT.

[ BOTH LAUGH ]

[ TOILET FLUSHES ]

SO... YOU GOT IN THE CAR?

GOT IN. DROVE ABOUT A HALF MILE AWAY.

DUDE WAS FAST. YOU KNOW, FOR A BIG GUY.

LIKE, LIKE STEROIDS-FAST.

THAT IS, UH...I DON'T KNOW. IS THAT STUPID OR GREAT?

BOTH. THROW IT UNDERNEATH.

OH!

WHOA!

WOW. I MEAN, THAT GUY WAS ABOVE THE BACKBOARD ON THAT ONE.

HUH?

YOU WANT TO SEE THAT AGAIN? HANG ON.

NO, THEY'RE GONNA DO A REPLAY. DON'T DO THAT.

OH, THIS THING IS AWESOME.

YOU CAN SLO-MO THE SLO...MO.

NICE!

OKAY, WELCOME TO THE 20th CENTURY.

ACTUALLY, IT'S THE 21st CENTURY.

YEAH, THAT'S THE JOKE, DICKHEAD.

JUST WANTED TO MAKE SURE YOU KNEW.

I KNOW.

ALL RIGHT, PUT THE GAME BACK.

YEAH, OKAY, WELL, WATCH THIS, HUH?

I CAN GO FRAME BY FRAME.

STOP, PUT THE GAME ON.

WAIT.

UM...OH, SHIT.

INPUT. INPUT.

WAIT. WAIT. HOLD ON.

NO, YOU -- YOU HIT THE "VIDEO" INSTEAD OF THE "INPUT."

"VIDEO INPUT"?

RIGHT HERE, RIGHT HERE, RIGHT HERE.

COME ON. IT'S THE END OF THE GAME.

8 SECONDS NOW.

[ SCOFFS ]

[ REMOTE BEEPS ]

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

SO, YOU'RE GAMBLING AGAIN?

WHAT? NO.

THEY'RE UP 10 POINTS.

WHY DO YOU CARE IF THE LAST SHOT GOES IN?

[ EXHALES SHARPLY ]

JUST PLAY THE STUPID GAME. COME ON.

[ REMOTE BEEPS ]

NOT FUNNY. PLAY IT.

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? SERIOUSLY?

YOU SCREWED UP YOUR MARRIAGE WITH THIS SHIT,

AND NOW YOU'RE BACK AT IT AGAIN?

I AM NOT GAMBLING.

HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT? TURN IT TO THE TRAVEL CHANNEL.

I THINK THEY'VE GOT THE RUNNING OF THE BULLS ON.

WE CAN WATCH SOME HIGH-DEF BULL SNOT.

WELL, YOU KNOW, MELISSA WAS WATCHING THIS COOKING SHOW,

AND YOU CAN ACTUALLY SEE THE LITTLE BEADS OF JUICE.

GO AHEAD. GO AHEAD. TURN IT OFF, DICKS.

TURN IT OFF, ALL RIGHT. I DON'T CARE.

YES, YOU DO. YOU'RE LYING.

NO, I'M NOT LYING.

FINE.

[ REMOTE BEEPING ]

OH, GOD, YOU GUYS. YOU KNOW.

FIRST -- LISTEN TO ME. I'M AN ADULT.

I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT, ALL RIGHT.

YOU ASSHOLE. THERE IT IS.

THERE IT IS.

WELL, THAT'S RIGHT. I'M AN ADULT.

I-I-I CAN MAKE UP MY OWN MIND, ALL RIGHT.

I'M 47 YEARS OLD!

47?

YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT. WE'RE 48.

NO. YOU CAN'T BE 47,

BECAUSE I'M 49.

I -- OH, SHIT. HOW OLD AM I?

MELISSA, HOW OLD IS JOE?

HE'S 48.

YOU'RE 48, MAN. HOLY SHIT.

YOU KNOW, EITHER WAY, YOU'RE TOO OLD TO BE GAMBLING, OKAY?

YES, IT'S BAD ENOUGH YOU GO AROUND ALL MOPEY

TALKING ABOUT GETTING BACK TOGETHER WITH SONIA.

SO WHAT I FIND REALLY AMAZING IS THAT YOU THINK

THAT'S GONNA HAPPEN WHILE YOU'RE PULLING THIS SHIT.

I'M NOT PULLING ANY SHIT.

IF YOU WANT THERE TO BE ANY CHANCE OF SAVING

YOUR MARRIAGE --

THERE IS NO CHANCE! THERE'S NO CHANCE, OKAY?!

THERE -- I TALKED TO HER TODAY!

AND I ASKED HER IF WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE,

AND SHE SAID YES!

OKAY?!

YOU GUYS.

YOU KNOW, YOU GUYS, YOU'RE ALWAYS TELLING ME, "MOVE ON."

I-I'M MOVING ON. ALL RIGHT?

SO THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO.

WE'RE SEEING OTHER PEOPLE, ALL RIGHT?

SO I CAN DO WHATEVER THE HELL I WANT.

GET OFF MY BACK.

YOU'RE SEEING SOMEBODY?

NO. I'M...I'M NOT.

THERE'S OPPORTUNITIES, THOUGH.

"OPPORTUNITIES."

HEY. WELL, ALL RIGHT.

WHO ARE WE TALKING ABOUT?

NOBODY.

IT'S NOT THE CASHIER FROM THE STORE, IS IT?

THE HEAVY GAL?

SERIOUSLY, THAT'S WHO YOU GO TO RIGHT AWAY?

THAT'S -- THAT'S ME?

NO, I JUST FIGURED, YOU KNOW,

YOU START WITH... THE LOW-HANGING FRUIT.

WHO IS IT?

[ CHUCKLES ]

THERE'S NOBODY, MAN.

NOBODY. THERE -- THERE WAS A WOMAN AT THE HOTEL.

I WENT TO A THING, AND SHE MADE OUT WITH ME.

YES, SIR!

OH, THAT BOY!

YEAH, OKAY.

WAS SHE HEAVY?

OKAY, OKAY.

ALSO, I'M NOT SAYING THE --

THE FANTASY WOMAN WAS FLIRTING WITH ME,

BUT...THERE WAS SOMETHING. IT WAS SOMETHING.

UM, YOU HAVE NO CHANCE WITH THAT WOMAN.

NONE. WHICH IS -- WHICH IS --

WHICH IS FINE.

LET'S JUST, UH, STAY FOCUSED ON REALITY, YOU KNOW?

YOU KNOW, LOOK, I MEAN, THIS -- THIS TALK

YOU HAD WITH SONIA,

RIGHT, IT MUST HAVE BEEN HARD.

YEAH. IT'S GOOD.

IT'S GOOD, DUDE.

I MEAN, WE'RE, UM... WHAT?

WE'RE PROUD OF YOU.

YEAH, OKAY.

NO, NO, I'M NOT AFRAID TO SAY IT.

I'M PROUD OF YOU.

ALSO, YOU -- I LOVE YOU.

I LOVE YOU, JOE.

OKAY, SHUT UP. NO, NO!

NO, NO, WHY CAN'T WE JUST GET IT ALL OUT?

STOP IT, MAN. JUST STOP IT.

THIS IS BULLSHIT. COME ON, LET'S BRING IT IN.

BRING IT IN, GUYS. GET OVER HERE.

BRING IT IN RIGHT HERE. WE DID THIS

AT MY BACHELOR PARTY.

YEAH! COME ON!

ALL RIGHT. GOOD, GOOD.

ALL RIGHT. ALL DONE. CAN WE WATCH THE END, MAN?

THERE'S HALF A SECOND LEFT.

OH, MY GOD.

FINE, YOU DEGENERATE.

Announcer: PUTS UP A 3!

YEAH! YEAH! YEAH!

AT THE BUZZER! POINTER AT THE BUZZER! 3-POINTER AT THE BUZZER!

YEAH. THAT'S A BUZZER-BEATER. WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT, HULK?

MR. HULK!

I GUESS HE WON.

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT? YOU GOT A PROBLEM?

SERIOUSLY? YOU GOT A PROBLEM?

YOU GOT A PROBLEM? YOU GOT A PROBLEM?

HUH?

[ GRUNTING ]

[ AIR HISSING ]

I'VE GOT TO GO.

YEAH, UM... IT'S KIND OF LATE.

WE'LL, UH, DO SOME HIKING IN THE MORNING, OKAY, BUDDY?

YEAH. 6:30, RIGHT?

YEAH. SOUNDS GOOD. SURE.

HEY, UH, I'M SORRY ABOUT...

OH, WELL, IT -- IT WAS -- IT WAS LEAKING ANYWAY.

I'VE GOT ALL OF THIS INFLATABLE CRAP AT THE STORE.

SO, YOU KNOW, LET THE KIDS COME DOWN,

THEY CAN PICK OUT WHATEVER THEY WANT.

I MIGHT ACTUALLY BE OUT OF THE HULK, THOUGH.

IT'S FINE.

[ SIGHS, SNIFFLES ]

ALL RIGHT, SO I'LL SEE YOU GUYS LATER.

[ DOOR OPENS, CLOSES ]

DIDN'T YOU DRIVE HIM HERE?

YEAH.

[ DOORBELL RINGS ]