Original subtitles

- Synced and corrected by Firefly - - www.addic7ed.com -

I am going to kill you.

What? I haven't even said the stuff yet

that might piss you off.

[GASPS, YELLS]

- Ivy! - [JOKER SIGHS]

Violence was the hallmark of our relationship, too.

Beth, you craving Thai or Italian?

Hey! I don't know what I did! I'm sure it's somethin'.

Let's just hash this out like adults.

[GASPS, SQUEALS]

[KITE MAN] I gotcha!

So, missed you at the dress fitting.

Kite Man, what the fuck is happenin'?

- Also, hand. - Uh... Oh, oh! Sorry.

- [PARADEMON SCREECHING] - Uh, turns out

Dr. Psycho is now, like, all-powerful,

and has my forever babe mind controlled.

[GROANS] Well, we won't need to worry about Psycho

after I kill him.

Oh, thank God!

She's the love of my life, and the wedding is tomorrow.

The wedding's happening, okay?

You didn't buy that tux for nothin'.

I didn't buy it at all. It's a rental.

Jesus, you are a grown man.

Just buy it, you're gonna use it.

[PEOPLE SCREAMING]

- [PARADEMONS SNARLING] - [BATMAN GRUNTING]

[GRUNTING]

One nest of Parademons, coming right up!

Okay, that wasn't to anybody.

[SUPERMAN GRUNTS]

[WONDER WOMAN GRUNTS]

I'll ask you this once.

Where is Dr. Psycho?

[SCREECHES]

Oh, what?

Because I'm an alien,

I understand all alien languages?

Okay. I know a little Parademon,

but it's still a racist assumption. Be better.

[DR. PSYCHO AND RIDDLER LAUGHING]

Do the fish guy, do him.

[LAUGHS] God! You're like Jaws

if all ya ate was fat people.

Okay, what's your most embarrassing moment?

[GASPS] I thought we were friends,

or at least coworkers with a begrudging professional respect.

Nanaue,

play nice with your brother.

[YOUNG SHARK STRUGGLING, GRUNTING]

[WHIMPERS]

[SNIFFS] Blood!

- [YOUNG SHARK SCREAMS] - [BONES CRUNCHING]

No! What are you doing?

That's your brother!

My lord!

You devoured your kin like an amuse-bouche!

Holy hell!

I thought we were gonna see you crap your pants,

but that is dark, man.

Have you procured the head of Harley Quinn?

Funny you should ask.

I am procuring as we speak.

Any minute now, her head

is gonna come rolling through the door

like a bowling ball with a bad dye job.

Ahem! Sorry to interrupt.

Um, apparently,

Batman and his super friends destroyed the Parademons,

and are, um... [CLEARS THROAT]

- ... are coming here. - Fuck!

You express fear and displeasure.

No! Everything's fine.

That was a happy "fuck".

It's a great word. You can use it many different ways.

Like "Fuck, yeah!" or, "Let's fuck".

Harley Quinn swore an oath to me and failed.

Now you have sworn the same oath.

I shall appear at nightfall to collect someone's head.

It is your choice whose.

No problem, no biggie!

Now, is that my nightfall or where you are?

'Cause time zones across planets and dimensions

are like wah, wah, wah, wah, wah... okay.

[LAUGHS TRIUMPHANTLY]

You've stepped in it now, Psycho.

A big, fresh wet one!

♪ The Justice League to the rescue! ♪

Huzzah!

No way that helmet's powerful enough

to control Superman's funky alien brain.

♪ The Justice League comes to get us ♪

♪ Free us all ♪ [CONTINUES VOCALIZING]

He might be right.

If the Justice League reach the mall,

uh, game over.

Shut up, Debbie Downer,

it's not game over.

It's game on! Ha!

We got a new plan.

We're gonna kill Harley Quinn,

but first we gotta kill the heroes.

Kill the heroes,

kill Harley,

rule Earth!

Welcome to the old Kite-tress of solitude.

Sorry about the mess.

My, uh, roommate leaves stuff everywhere.

Psycho, that little shit.

Puts on a magic yarmulke

and now, he's doin' Jedi mind tricks?

We need to destroy that helmet.

Uh, just a little caveat there.

Uh, we can't get close or he'll put our domes

through the brain-washing spin cycle.

I know. He did the same thing

to Clayface and King Shark.

The second they... Sy.

[SIGHS DEEPLY] Sigh is right.

For my lady love hath been led astray.

Not "sigh", dummy. Sy. Sy Borgman.

Sy wasn't affected by Psycho's mind control.

He was immune.

What the hell made you so special, Sy?

[YELPS] Zombie eye, zombie eye!

Wait, wait! My kite senses are fluttering.

It's Morse Code!

- You know Morse Code? - Of course!

Sailors and kiters use signal lamps

to transmit Morse Code without being detected.

I still sometimes can't get over the fact

Ivy has sex with you.

[SUGGESTIVELY] Oh, she does.

Look, the eye is saying...

Plug... me... in.

What does it mean?

Ta-da!

Oh, well, okay, right.

Sy, you're a zombie robot ghost!

N-n-n-none, none of the above, baby!

I just got a classic case of

the human consciousness- transferred-into-the-machine-itis.

There was a whole chapter on it

in my robot b-b-b-body handbook I didn't read.

Sy, we don't have a lot of time.

Listen, why weren't you affected

by Psycho's mind control?

Because the C-C-C-Commies!

CIA wanted to make sure the Ruskies didn't flip me

into a Manchurian candidate

and/or president of the United States.

They used cutting-edge t-t-technology

to create an anti-mind control device

and jammed it in my n-n-n-noggin.

Can you tell us how to make that device?

Sure! Easy-p-p-peasy on my metal neezy.

- Oh, thank God! - We're coming, Ivy.

[SY] All you need is magnetic coating

- from a floppy disk... - Huh.

- The photodiodes of a VHS tape... - [GROANS]

And an 8-track recording of The Monkees' D-D-D-Daydream Believer.

Say we couldn't get those things...

[SY] Well, then, it's gonna take a little elbow grease.

[INDISTINCT ROARING]

Oh, my God! Superman's gonna kill Ivy!

Wasn't he trapped in a book?

- Who let Superman out of the book? - [DISAPPOINTED SIGH]

[RIDDLER] Are you sure you've got this?

I mean, there's still time to flee.

You've seen these calves.

Stop showing me your weird turkey leg calves.

I'm not gonna fuck you.

If you wanna go, go.

But don't show up tomorrow when this is over

and still expect me to let you rule Scandinavia.

I know you got a type.

Fine, fine, I'll stay.

Ah! It's just so pretty there.

Everything looks like a fairy tale.

- [DR. PSYCHO] Mmm. - Ow! God!

Ivy, stand down.

[WONDER WOMAN AND SUPERMAN GRUNT]

Still got it, baby.

Hey...

I know I'm more of a wordplay guy,

but, mathematically, I don't like your odds.

Don't get your onesie in a wad.

I got a couple of things up my sleeve.

Two very short arms?

God damn it, I was trying to think

of a really cool Wesley Snipes-style one liner

- and you had to go... - Wesley Snipes?

When's the last time you saw a fucking movie?

Poison Ivy, we know that you're under Dr. Psycho's mind control.

So I give you this warning. I, Kal-El, do say...

We don't want to have to take you out

but if you don't give us another option, we will.

That's what he was getting to.

Don't worry, the shark hates violence

and the lump of clay is harmless.

[YELLS] Blood!

Okay, I did not, uh... yeah.

Uh. Come on, come on!

I'm Kite Man! Not Soldering Man!

I know Soldering Man, but he's in Milwaukee.

No, I said connect the thingamajig

to the w-w-what's-ya-call-it, not the whose-it-what's-it!

I don't know how to do this!

Kites are electricity-free. I went to Oberlin!

Well, unless you figure it out,

the person I love

- is gonna die! - What?

As a friend. The friend I love,

as a friend, is gonna die!

Okay, 'cause that sounded intense.

I'm Harley Quinn, I'm impetuous, I kiss people. Muah!

Oh-ho! Hoochie mama!

What is happening?

Okay. You know what? I can't wait around

until you graduate from DeVry! I'm goin' to save Ivy.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,

that is a sophisticated piece of cloth and wood.

It took years of training with my sen...

And she is soaring majestically.

- [ROARING] - [BATMAN GRUNTS]

[WONDER WOMAN GRUNTS]

[WONDER WOMAN GRUNTS]

[KING SHARK GRUNTS]

[SUPERMAN STRAINING]

Get off me, you angry dolphin. Get off me!

- [GLASS SHATTERING] - [METAL CRUNCHING]

- [WONDER WOMAN GRUNTS] - [POISON IVY EXCLAIMS]

Wait, wait! Did I tell you?

Ivy and I basically spent her whole bachelorette party

saving Themyscira from Lex Luthor?

Clear the area, clown.

Otherwise, I can't be responsible for your safety.

[BOTH GRUNT]

[PANTS]

Damn it, Harley!

[KING SHARK SNIFFING]

Blood!

[KING SHARK GROWLS]

[WONDER WOMAN GRUNTS]

[BATMAN GROANING] Harley!

Are you shittin' me, Clayface?

You could change into this at any time

and chose ditzy co-eds and divorcees?

[CLAYFACE ROARS]

[SUPERMAN GRUNTS]

You realize the Man of Steel

isn't just a clever nickname, right?

Ive, you gotta snap out of it

or they're gonna kill... [YELPS]

- [SUPERMAN GRUNTS] - [POISON IVY SCREAMS]

[HARLEY] Ugh. Homeboy's gotta upgrade to jet pack or somethin'.

[CLAYFACE ROARING]

[KING SHARK ROARING]

[KING SHARK ROARING]

[KING SHARK YELPS, GRUNTS]

- [ROARS] - [METAL CLANGS]

[GASPS]

[GRUNTS]

[CLAYFACE ROARING]

[BEEPING]

[CLAYFACE ROARS]

[SNAPS]

[GRUNTS] Ive, there you are.

Oh, wow, you rocked Superman.

Anyway, listen,

I know the real you is in there somewhere.

Well, that's new.

[HARLEY SCREAMS]

[SIGHS]

I guess Poison Ivy should've... hedged her bet.

Hmm.

[GRAPPLE GUN FIRING]

Okie d-d-d-dokie, that should do it.

Give her a whirl, Mr. Kite Man.

[DEVICE WHIRRS, BEEPS]

- [ELECTRICITY CRACKLING] - [KITE MAN GRUNTS]

- Sy? - [STATIC]

Oh, frick, I killed him.

[SY] No way, Jose!

Synet is online!

Where are you?

[SY] Hey. Let's build this anti-mind-control device

and then if there's time, we'll make some fresh pasta.

Hell, yeah!

[HARLEY] Oh, great! Gang's all here.

We don't need to settle this with violence. You know...

Hmm. That's a personal first.

Quinn's right. Wayne Tower has seen enough damage.

And I believe a metahuman battle

falls outside Mr. Wayne's insurance coverage.

He's a friend, I'm just saying.

[HARLEY GRUNTS]

[POISON IVY GRUNTS]

Bats, you got her all tied up.

Leave her alone and go stop Psycho.

I'm sorry, Harley.

She's too dangerous.

She needs to be taken down.

She could escape and kill thousands

before Dr. Psycho is neutralized.

I can't let you kill her.

I love her more than anything in this whole world.

I'm not gonna kill her.

I'm just gonna put her in the phantom zone

where she'll rest for all of eternity.

Then, send me there, too!

Uh, all right.

Wow, this is so dramatic.

It's like a CW show,

if the cast was less hot.

Yeah, you guys are right. Ivy's too dangerous to...

To be left alive.

You should have killed her when you had the chance. Because now?

You're right where I want you.

[WONDER WOMAN GASPS, COUGHS]

[GASPS]

Wonder Woman, you look bangin'.

- What? - Batman,

are those pecs real or is it just the suit? [CHUCKLES PLAYFULLY]

Gross.

These pecs are definitely real.

Give them a grab. Don't be shy.

Oh, gross. Did you just spray them with Ivy's love pheromones?

Maybe we should see what's under these costumes.

[WONDER WOMAN CHUCKLES]

Or not. A lot of not. Please, not!

[SUPERMAN LAUGHS] You know I can see through that, right?

[GASPS, YELPS]

[DISTANT WHISTLING]

[RIDDLER AND DR. PSYCHO LAUGHING]

Yes! The heroes are defeated!

Ivy's bringing me Harley,

my ramen takeout's almost here,

and the Earth is about to be mine!

I'm the most powerful person on the fucking planet!

[DR. PSYCHO] Ahhh!

I've returned to collect what is owed to me.

Where is Harley Quinn?

[DR. PSYCHO] Yeah. So, it's mostly gadgets

like drones and scented alarm clocks.

The kind of stuff you find in the sky mall.

And who is Orange Julius?

[RIDDLER LAUGHS]

- She's here. - See?

Harley Quinn, as promised.

Psycho, release me, you tiny, giant asshole!

Shut up.

Kill her now and I shall call forth

the armies of Apokolips

to enslave this planet

as we agreed upon.

Choose not to and it's your head.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Blah, blah, blah.

Cool your jets, Big D.

I have been thinking about something,

I'm more than just a "rule Earth" kind of guy, all right?

I could rule solar systems for you,

goddamn galaxies.

[CHUCKLES] Unlikely.

Listen, I get it, I get it.

You probably think I'm just a run-of-the-mill supervillain

but I got that charisma,

that je ne sais quoi that you're looking for in a right-hand man.

Let me show ya. I'm about to do something epic!

- Explain. - [DEVICE BEEPS]

You see the living weed over there?

That right there is Poison Ivy.

Let me give you some backstory.

Harley, I made the anti-mind control device.

Well, actually Sy turned into a cake mixer

and he made it... It's kind of a funny story...

that we don't have time for.

We only had materials for two of these bad boys.

Put the other in Ivy's ear if my plan doesn't work.

This is the plan.

What the hell is your plan?

True love.

Pamela Isley. It's me. Chuck.

What is a "Chuck"?

Ivy, I'm your fiancé. Your soulmate.

I believe our love is so powerful, that when I kiss you,

it will break Psycho's spell.

Because true love conquers all.

[GRUNTS]

As I was saying, Ivy and Harley are best friends.

So it's gonna be very poetic

when Harley is killed not only by her friend...

but her secret lover!

You know?

Of course I fucking know!

You think I'm going to mind control Ivy

and not read her mind?

You don't buy a Ferrari and leave it in the garage!

We are not secret lovers!

It was a couple times and it was amazing

and Ivy broke it off and I'm totally cool with it!

Enough! Stop trying to lower the stakes.

Hey. Pitting two lovers against each other,

like I said, epic.

I am mildly intrigued by evil usurping love.

Oh, look at the big words on Darkseid.

Someone did well on their SATs.

Ive, we love each other too much to do this! [GRUNTS]

[LAUGHS EVILLY]

[HARLEY GRUNTS]

[SIGHS] Don't make me hurt you.

[GRUNTING]

Okay, don't make me hurt you again.

- [GRUNTS] - [BAT CLATTERS]

[STRAINING, GRUNTING]

[LAUGHS] Isn't this great?

Friends fighting to the death.

I mean, this is the stuff that gets you off, right?

[BOTH GRUNTING]

[GRUNTING]

[HARLEY STRAINING]

- [GRUNTS] - [DEVICE CLATTERS]

Yes! Kill her! Kill Harley!

[STRAINING] Here... goes... true... love...

Okay! Mr. Johnson's up! Girl on girl. So hot.

Holy shit. True love worked.

What are you, 13?

Psycho, focus. [SNAPS FINGERS] Focus!

Fine. I command you

to kill Harley Quinn.

[GRUNTING] Uh, come on!

And I command you to ess my vee.

"Ess my vee"?

[DR. PSYCHO GRUNTS] What the fuck?

[GROANS] What the hell is going on?

Guess you ain't as strong as you thought, Psycho.

You're not an A-lister.

Just a goon with delusions of grandeur.

Have you failed me, human?

No! You think I need Ivy to kill her? Come on.

I'll kill both of 'em. I am an all-powerful man!

- Come and get me! - [BOTH] Sure.

- [DR. PSYCHO GRUNTS] - [OBJECTS CLATTER]

You're not all-powerful, douchebag.

You're just a loser who puts on a hat to look cool.

Basically, everyone on Tinder.

Yeah a lot of hats on Tinder.

- A lot of hats. - Oh!

Oh! It's good to have my very bitter friend back.

It's over for ya, buddy!

[GRUNTS]

- [ELECTRICITY CRACKLES] - [DR. PSYCHO GROANS]

Harley Quinn!

[NERVOUSLY] Hi, Mr. Darkseid, sir.

I'm really sorry about bringing

those Parademons to Earth and not using them.

See, I was doing it for the wrong reasons and...

You have proved yourself even more formidable than I thought.

- The deal stands. - "The deal"?

On your command...

- [DEVICE BEEPS] - ... my armies shall spring forth

and enslave the planet.

The Earth is yours, Harley Quinn.

Thanks, but no thanks.

Psycho, the creep that he is, he was right.

I don't wanna rule Earth on a throne of skulls.

I'm not a real supervillain.

Hell, I'm not sure I'm even a bad guy anymore.

All I've been doing is reacting.

Getting in the Legion of Doom to show up Joker.

Stopping the Injustice League to get revenge.

It's 'cause, deep inside,

I didn't know what I really wanted, until now.

Your indecision baffles and angers me.

For this, I shall return one day

and terraform your planet into a scrapyard.

Well, that seems ominous.

All right, pop back in your Boom Tube.

Darkseid is...

leaving.

Ivy, you call me out on all my bullshit,

but you don't judge me for it.

We have fun whether we're sitting on the couch

or murdering a group of investment bankers.

You showed me what the best version of myself could be

and you held me to it.

I'm in love with you.

I want to be with you.

And, yes, it might be messy. It might not work.

It might even destroy our friendship forever.

But love is a risk.

I'd rather risk our friendship

than pretend these feelings aren't real.

You just, you don't give up on love.

Take a risk,

take a leap of faith, and be with me.

[KITE MAN GROANS]

Hey, did my kiss work?

Where am I?

[DR. PSYCHO LAUGHS MANIACALLY]

We're laughing? Are we friends again?

What is so funny?

Aw, man, I hate missing inside jokes!

Oh, don't worry,

I'll tell you.

[DR. PSYCHO SCREAMS]

[LAUGHS MANIACALLY]

[POISON IVY AND HARLEY MOANING]

Whoa!

Oh, this is gonna affect the crew dynamic

in a messy and complicated manner.

I already had a feeling. The tension was palpable.

[LAUGHS] She's still limber.

[DR. PSYCHO GRUNTING]

Ooh! I need a cigarette.

[GROANS]

Um...

- Synced and corrected by Firefly - - www.addic7ed.com -