Original subtitles

Shit.

I see.

Is that right?

Well, have you ever seen Starlight Express?

- Daddy, of course I have. - Well, face it. It's no West Side Story.

You don't know what kind it was?

It was a mix.

There's English. There's Rednose.

There's Staffordshire. There's all kinds. There's American...

That's what she says: "It was a longhaired pit bull."

- There's no such thing. - That's what I'm sayin'.

- It's an obvious discrepancy. - One of you guys gonna get that?

I'm not attacking him... just working this out.

Carlucci. One second.

Feege, you got a call on two.

We okay here? Because this is just... It's formality.

- I might have to do it all over. - Lieutenant Gruman speaking.

"Lieutenant"?

How can you say that? Rita Moreno was fabulous.

- At least she wasn't on roller skates. - Makin'fun of me 'cause I like Xanadu?

- What? - Lucinda just called.

Let me call you back.

- You know Mona Dearly? - What about her?

She was proceeding southbound on Route 9...

when apparently her vehicle was involved in a 2-11-07.

- What? - She drove into the river.

She's dead, Wyatt.

So what happened to your hand?

This thing? It's nothing. What are you gonna do?

- So what'd you say your name was again? - Maria Lasala.

- That's a nice name. - Thanks.

- So are you married or something? - Maybe.

- She's 13, man. - Yeah. Finally.

- I'm picking you up tomorrow at 9:00. - For what?

- What do you mean, "For what?" For work. - 9:00?

- That's early. - But it's Carlsson's.

- So? - It's Carlsson's Nursery.

I heard you the first time, Bobby. I ain't mute.

I'm just saying, Carlsson's Nursery is gonna make us a lot of money.

I mean, it's gonna save the business.

I get half.

I know.

And none of that "50%" bullshit.

That's it!

What do you think? Should I do the Yellow Apple Six report or Apple Seven?

- What's the difference? - The Yellow Apple Six involves water.

Feege, the car is submerged in water.

What do you think?

- Let's go with Yellow Apple Six. - Yeah.

I think that's a good idea, Feege.

She's dead.

Thank you, Dr. Schwartz.

There he is. Here they come.

So...

you wanna tellJeff about his mom, or do you think we should do it, or...

Yeah.

That's...

We'd be more than happy to do it, Phil.

It's just that coming from you, it may cushion the blow.

Being that he's your son and all.

Well, in that case, it might be best if one of you did it.

Right.

- We could do that. - Do you wanna? I could do it.

- Are you... I could do it. - Who's gonna do it?

- Jimmy's gonna do it. - Yeah. Yeah, I'll handle it.

I got it.

Hey, Jeff. I'm afraid I got some bad news. How you doin', Bobby?

- Where's my car? - It's more serious than your car, Jeff.

Would somebody mind tellin' me what the hell's goin' on here?

It's... I'm afraid...

Your mother was in a car accident. I'm afraid she's dead, Jeff. She's dead.

What was she doin' in my car?

Where you been? Oh, you gotta talk to Mark. We were goin' over the menu...

and I mentioned the boneless breast of chicken, and he's, like, " Boneless?

You never said you wanted boneless." Can you believe that?

I'm, like, "You don't serve chicken bones at a wedding."

God forbid someone chokes to death.

It'll cost an extra five bucks a plate, and at a hundred plates we're lookin'...

at half a grand, $500, just to get rid of the bones.

Like we got that.

What's wrong?

Mona Dearly's dead.

What? You're kiddin' me.

No. I mean, yeah. I mean, no.

No, she's dead.

My God. What happened?

It was just a car accident on the road, I guess.

Well, we gotta celebrate.

What? God, Ellie. Jesus.

She's a human being. "We gotta celebrate." Have some respect.

I don't gotta have respect for no one in that family.

Bobby, think about how they've treated you.

- How they'd treat me? - Badly. They're horrible people.

They're a houseful of freaks.

Hey, Philibuster, check out how fast I'm doin' this.

- Cut it out, would you? - No, I'm on a roll. Look at it.

Cut it out, you little shit, or I'll kill ya!

All right.

Geez.

Now, about the name of this business.

You given any thought to it yet?

Well, I thought we should call it "B.J. Landscapin'."

"B.J."?

- I don't get it. - You know.

"B" for Bobby and "J" forJeff. "B.J. Landscapin'."

Well, I think "J.B." Has a nicer ring to it.

Besides, you don't want anyone calling you "Blow Job Landscaping," do you?

Well, then, what if we call it "J.P.'s," right? That's good.

- "J.P.'s" ain't an option, Jeff. - How come, smarty two-shoes?

'Cause his name don't start with "P."

- Yeah. - Oh, Jesus.

- What's that, Mr. Dearly? - You say something, Phil?

- You gonna contribute or what? - Yeah, what do you think?

I think that it's...

Whatever you two decide is...

All right. Thanks, Mr. Dearly.

For what? He didn't say jack!

- Why you kissin' his ass? - I wasn't kissin' his ass.

I thought you were done kissin' ass. He was totally kissin' ass.

- Kiss-ass! - Look at the little kiss-ass!

- You disgust me, you little kiss-ass. - Little kiss-ass.

Get out of my sight.

She deserved it. I bet property values go up. So, you gonna fireJeff?

What? No. Why would I want to fireJeff?

'Cause you been wantin' to for years.

No, I haven't. I stopped wanting to fire him a long time ago.

Well, what about him killin' the Schneider dog?

He didn't kill the Schneider dog. That was an accident when he killed the dog.

Bobby, he ran over it with a lawn mower.

Yeah.

I don't want to talk about it right now. The guy's mother just drove off a cliff.

Yeah. Too bad Jeff wasn't ridin' shotgun.

That would've been funny.

Ever so gracefully...

the yellow Hugo... sort of floating...

It was almost slow motion-like.

And it did a swan dive right into the river.

- A swan dive, huh? - It was tragic and frightening...

yet beautiful in an obtuse way.

- What'd he say? - Clarence?

He said she drove into the river.

You know, Feege, I was looking around up top...

and there was something very odd about this.

- What's that? - There are no skid marks.

She never hit the brakes.

We should do some checking to see if she suffered from any medical conditions...

like narcolepsy or something.

Could've been "Barstein" syndrome.

Yeah.

Rash, she was a lousy driver. It probably caught up with her.

- You knew her pretty well, didn't you? - Our paths crossed time to time.

Juliet, Echo, Papa, Hotel.

You had that little thing with her a while back? A bit of an altercation?

Let me see your hands!

Let me see your hands!

- Why'd you pull us over, Feege? - Let me think about that for a second.

A: You're riding on rims. And B: Just went 2,800 on an officer of the law.

And C: What the hell's the matter with you, Jeff? Oh, boy!

Look what you did!

- I didn't do nothin'! - You scared him half to death!

- He's drunk! - No, he ain't!

Get out of here, ya jerk!

That's okay, baby. Everything's okay. Mommy's here now.

Yes. Okay, baby.

You're gonna pay for this, Feege.

You just lost a lawn service, pal!

It's a real shame, though. Him and Bobby did a fabulous job on my place.

So what do you think, Lucinda?

What do I think? I think she took a turn for the worse and broke her stupid neck.

A fitting end to a less than laudable life.

I'm talkin' about the car.

- I'll have her fixed in no time. - Lucinda.

Look, dude, if somebody rigged it, you'll know.

- I'm countin' on you, all right? - All right. It'll cost you.

- You gonna charge him double? - You know it.

- She's dead. - I know.

I can't believe this.

I mean, it's just... Man, I mean...

This is it, right, Rone? I mean, this is it. I'm...

- I don't like it, Phil, one bit. - What's the matter?

I have to ask you something, and I want you to be honest.

Sure.

- What? - Did you do it?

- Did I do what? - Did you kill her?

- How could you ask me that? - It looks suspicious, Phil.

It was an accident. It was a stroke of good luck.

Good luck doesn't happen to people like us. Good luck happens to Madonna.

Tony and Jimmy D said it could've been slippage on the road or something.

- I don't know. - Sure.

Couple of months, they're gonna find me floatin' at the bottom of the Hudson.

Don't talk like that, baby. Don't talk like that.

'Cause if you're down there, I'm down there.

I'll go down with the catfish.

I'll go swim in the murk.

- Phil? - Yeah.

- Are you okay? - I'll live.

No bacteria. Honest.

I am a priest. A priest. You can't cut me off.

Padre, stow it. You're breakin' my concentration, for cryin' out loud.

Threats notwithstanding, cut the sermon and give me a goddamn beer!

What? You want me to squirt you in front of God and everybody here? I'll do it.

Murph, what's all this about the chicken?

The chickens? We got bigger fish to fry. Get your ass over there. Come on.

- Tell me you didn't do it, Bobby. - Do what?

What do you mean?

Come on. They were killing your business, Bobby.

That whole family was ruining your life.

No, they weren't. They weren't ruining anything.

I didn't do it. Are you crazy? What are you talking about?

I'm just sayin' there's a lot of people that wouldn't blame you if you did.

- Come on, Murph. Jesus Christ. - All right.

I'm just doin' the big brother thing, you know?

I'm just... I'll back off.

Guess who got in an altercation last night.

- Who? - Valerie Antonelli.

- Big talk! Big talk from the big man! - You talkin' to me?

Where's Bobby Calzone when you need him?

What are you gonna do, hit me?

Come on, Murph. She's a girl. You don't let her get slapped around like that.

- What's the matter with you? - She wanted to be a landscaper.

Sue me.

All right. Listen, Murph, what's up with the whole chicken thing?

- You gonna help us out? - Look, if you want somebody to sit...

and yank the bones out of a hundred chickens, it's gonna run you money.

You know, you're the best man at the wedding, Murph.

I'm not making any money on this weddin' as it is.

You're my brother. Can't you do a brotherly deboning or something?

Okay.

How long is this gonna go on? I'm frontin' ya for your business.

I'm helping with your weddin'. Last year I declared you a dependent on my taxes.

I'm havin' a hard time at work, and I'm a little shorthanded with Jeff.

Well, maybe due to the untimely demise of Mona Dearly...

you can finally get rid of that one-armed bandit partner of yours.

Bobby, come on. I can't let you carry me like this.

Wait a second. I have to close the door.

I'm not ready.

You're no fun at all.

You have one new message.

Hi, honey. It's your old dad callin'.

Just wanted to see how plans for the big day are shapin'up.

I thought we could hop over to the diner for some breakfast.

Tomorrow's no good, but maybe Saturday. Okay?

Say "hey"to Bobby. Be good.

- What do you think he wants? - I don't know.

Sounded pretty cryptic. Something about breakfast, Saturday.

Hard to say.

What's wrong?

Nothin'.

Up a lazy river with a robin's song

Awaits the bright new morning

We can loaf along

I just thought I'd stop by and pay my respects.

- Your dad's not home, is he? - No.

I know this is trying times for the two of you.

- You want a beer or something? - No, thanks.

You don't happen to know where he went?

Did your mother suffer from any medical conditions you might know of?

I think she had a personality disorder.

No, not necessarily like that. It's...

It's just there are some aspects to this accident that...

You think someone killed her?

- Well, I didn't do it. - I never said you did.

But if you were to know if somebody had a grudge against her...

or something like that, you know.

Yeah. I don't wanna point any fingers and whatnot, but Bobby Calzone did it.

I find that hard to believe. He doesn't have a violent bone in his body.

Why don't you see how Peaches feels about that?

Peaches? The Schneider dog?

Yeah. With the lawn mower.

- Great job with Peaches, there, Bobby. - Drop dead, asshole.

"But, Bobby, that poor little dog."

"Poor little dog." It was in the way.

You were the one chasin' after it with the lawn mower, not me.

It wasn't my fault.

- It got in the way. - Now we lost that account.

Blame me. Blame me like you blame me for everything else.

- I don't care. - You killed Peaches.

- I would've fired us for that. - Like you never killed a dog?

If you keep losin' our accounts, pretty soon we'll be out of business.

- Then how you gonna take care of Ellen? - "Take care of Ellen."

- Ellen freakin' schmellen. - Honey, I hate to see you guys...

What are you saying? I can't hear you, Mrs. Dearly.

- What? - You're hurting me!

Shut up! One step closer, Jeff, and I swear I'll tear out your ovaries!

- Don't you talk to my boy like that. - Your boy has the IQ of a garden pest!

And so do you, you dumb wench!

- Bobby, I don't think... - What? You don't think?

That's your problem! You don't think!

You don't think! I've had it!

I can't take it anymore! Especially you, Mona Dearly!

What's that supposed to mean?

You know what it means! You know what it means!

He said "ovaries"?

- Yeah, all the time. - And he threatened your mom's life?

- Why didn't you report this? - 'Cause everyone threatened her life.

"Ovaries."

She took a turn for the worse

You know she swam with the fishes

You know she dug in the dirt

Why did she have to die, die

Why did she have to die, die

Catchy.

That was nice.

Thanks. How's that daughter of yours?

- She's great. Thanks for asking. - Yeah? Wedding plans going smooth?

- Like silk on glass. - I want you to take a look under here.

If somebody were to sabotage the brakes...

- "lf"? - "Lf." It's a conditional clause.

"Lf."

If somebody were to sabotage the brakes, he's got two options.

He can be smart and puncture a hole in the brake fluid tank...

or he can be a total freak and cut all four of the brake lines.

I'll show you. These here are the brake lines.

- They've all been cut. - Total freak.

- That rules out accident... - Slow down, pal.

We're just gettin' started here.

All right. Now...

know what this is?

- I don't know shit about cars. - That's the brake fluid tank.

- What's that hole? - It's a hole.

So I figure the perp...

used some kind of sharp instrument...

a screwdriver, an awl, what have you...

took it, drove it through the tank with a hammer.

Just, bam! See this?

This here? Fetzer valve.

- I'm not familiar with the fetzer. - Nor should you be. Serves no purpose.

- So what's the problem? - Somebody poked a hole in that too.

- Is that bad? - This car was done to death.

- "Done to death"? - Fixed to kill.

"Fixed to kill."

This was no accident.

"Sorry to bother you.

I just wanted to express my sorrow over the loss of your tragic..."

"Hi, Jeff and Phil. I'm really sorry to bother you."

"Hi. Sorry to bother you.

Listen, I just wanted to express my sorrow over the loss of..."

Mr. Dearly.

I just wanted to express my sorrow over the loss of your tragic loved one.

My loved one?

- Your wife passed. - Yeah? Who'd she pass?

What do you want?

Bobby came by to express his loss over our sorry loved one.

- Yeah, I ain't workin' today. - No, you shouldn't work.

You're definitely on a grievance leave...

and I'm just coming by to say that I'm really sorry.

That's great, if that's what you wanna tell yourself.

If you ask me, he sounds real broken up about it.

- I mean, look at him. - Yeah, no kiddin'.

- All right. So... - Listen, Bobby.

If you're tormented by this, you should come by Cubby's Funeral Home tonight...

and have a full release.

Yeah. We're havin' one of them "wake and bake" services.

Yeah. Sure. I'll come by Cubby's.

You do that, you little kiss-ass.

Yeah. Make sure you wear them kiss-ass shoes too.

And that landscapin' kiss-ass T-shirt.

"I'll mow your lawn, I'll trim your hedges and I'll kiss your ass!"

- There he goes. Look at that. - Yeah.

Little hesitation before the kiss. Careful. Don't kiss the dog's ass.

All he talks about is how much the wedding's gonna cost...

and how Jeff's ruining J.B.'s.

I'm worried about him, Dad. It's like he's obsessed.

Well, I'll talk to him, see if I can help.

No. That's all right. You've already done enough.

You know, this is gonna sound terrible, but with Mrs. Dearly dyin'...

this is the first break he's caught in a while.

Okay, folks.

Shame about Mona Dearly, huh? I mean, so young. Tragic.

- It's taken everybody by surprise. - Yeah. Poor family.

- So, what can I get ya? - I'll have the usual and a cup of joe.

And you, hon? You want the heart attack special, just like your daddy?

The vegetarian plate.

Back in a jiff.

A box of friggin' meat for my wedding. Like I'm registered at a deli.

What do you think about "Ice Castles" for a spotlight dance?

- You can't go wrong with "Ice Castles." - That's what I was thinking.

It looks like there's going to be an investigation into this thing.

I have to tell you that this wedding of yours is all anybody's talking about.

And the fact you two even considered having me there... Well, forget about it.

Yeah, well, me and Bobby really want you there, Rone.

Well, I just want you to know it moved me, down deep.

- Really. It moved me. - Good.

Enjoy your meal.

- So where was I? - You said you were gonna investigate.

Right.

- What I was thinkin' was... - Goddamn it.

Don't give me that shit, Phil.

I am not overreacting. He was there. He was talkin' to Ellen.

- Come on, sweet nipple. - Don't "sweet nipple"me, Phil.

But we got nothing to do with it, honey. I'm dumpin' her stuff right now.

What does that have to do with anything?

Do you know why our prisons are so overcrowded?

- I don't know. Too many criminals? - Wrongful imprisonment, Phil.

Erroneous convictions. Eleven percent of all inmates currently serving time...

are counterfactually incarcerated for crimes uncommitted.

Did you ever see Tom Selleck in An Innocent Man?

- Yeah. Was that with Kurt Russell? - Phil, look.

Rash is askin' a lot of questions about all of you...

and I don't like one bit what he's insinuating, not one bit.

Relax, Vanna.

He's just doin' his... Oh, shit.

- Rash is here. - What?

I gotta go.

- Hey, Chief. - Hope I didn't catch you at a bad time.

I was just gettin' ready for Mona's wake. How you doin'?

I'm fine.

That's a really nice picture of the two of you.

I can't tell you how sorry I am about Mona.

She was a passionate and committed woman.

This is probably the exact wrong time to ask you...

Whatever I can do to help. I mean, you know me. I'm a team player.

I need to ask you a couple of questions about your wife.

Yeah? What about her?

Phil, sweetie, you got a minute for me?

Honey, they're lookin' for the shooter.

Get in here, Phil.

You should've seen this guy, taking potshots in his skivvies.

He looked like Father Tom.

- Yes, dear? - Where were you this afternoon?

- But... - Where the hell were ya?

I called the warehouse. You were MIA.

You sure you had the right number?

- Oh, boy. - Who is she, Phil?

- Who's who? - What's her name?

Sweetness. Oh, Jesus, honey, you could hurt somebody with that.

I don't wanna hurt someone, Phil. I wanna hurt you!

- What's gotten into you? - You.

- You don't find me attractive no more? - Of course I don't... do.

You got something goin' on, don't you, Phil? Don't you?

You've been playing Wheel of Fortune with someone else.

Don't tell anyone, but...

I was a battered husband.

Phil, that was the Wednesday night prior to the accident?

That's right.

And at no point during the evening did you leave the house?

No, I was watching TV the entire evening.

What aboutJeff?

Well, him and Mona had a fight earlier that night.

- Do you recall what was said? - Yeah.

He said she was an embarrassment to the family and then took off.

The kid was lit up like a Christmas tree. I've never seen him so drunk.

Yeah. Yes.

I was talkin' to Ellen earlier.

She told me you were worried about finances.

And I just... You know, you and I are practically family now...

and, you know, you shouldn't have to bear that burden alone.

If ever you wanna talk or get something off your chest...

I appreciate that.

Just imagine that you're Annie and I'm Daddy Warbucks.

- Daddy Warbucks. - Yeah.

Or I'm Auntie Mame, and you're little Patrick.

Yeah?

Well, tell me something, Bob.

What did you think about Mona Dearly?

She was the worst person I ever knew in my entire life.

How you doing?

- I just came to giveJeff his pay. - How come you're all dolled up?

- I'm taking Ellie to dinner theater. - Come on.

- What you gonna see? - Oh, Calcutta.

Get over here. Give me my money.

Look at this guy.

What is this? You trying to tell me it's what I've been bustin' my anus for?

For 287.50?

- It's always 287.50. - He's tryin' to rip me off.

- You holdin' out on us, Calzone? - Where's the rest of it, you dick?

- Looks to me like he's wearin' it. - Yeah.

Nice shoes.

- This is a joke, right? - No, you're a joke.

- You guys are kidding, right? - Kidding?

You feel like laughing? Laugh at this.

- Kick his ass, Mom, yeah! Get in there. - You're payin' for that headlight!

- What are you doing? Get out of there. - Take it out ofJeffrey's pay!

Yeah.

Get out of there. What are you doin'?

- Let go! - God! I mean, enough's enough.

All I wanted was a nice, professional business so Ellie and I could have...

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what this is?

This is the world's smallest tambourine.

- And it's playin' some song. - Shut up! That's a violin.

Give me that thing. Give me that.

I think it's time we start talkin' about dissolvin' the business.

- Nothing personal. It's business. - No way.

- Don't even think about it, scumbag. - Yeah.

As I see it, you got two options:

- Buy us out or pray for an early death. - Yeah, get out of here, you mooch.

Go enjoy your dinner theater.

But, you know, she probably had her good points too.

Well, most people have two sides.

Yeah, well, she just showed me the one.

- ThatJeff Dearly, man. - What about him?

You gotta hand it to him.

Jeff, what's your handle?

- Jeff, hands up. - What's your handle?

Speaking of which, guess what I heard.

- That's not a logging accident. - What's the difference?

Why? What'd you hear?

What about that fishing accident?

- Are you serious? - See?

Wow.

"It's a terrible loss."

"It's a terrible loss."

What a void in my life

All right.

"Father Tom, it has been difficult."

"Father Tom, it has been difficult."

"It's been really hard."

Jeff, come on. We don't wanna miss this.

- Let's go. - Yeah. Right.

- What's wrong? - Nothing.

- What did your dad wanna see you about? - Nothing.

He just asked me some questions about Mrs. Dearly.

What about her? What kind of questions?

- About the accident. - What does he think?

He doesn't think anything.

Really? I mean, you'd tell me, right, if he said something?

For chrissakes, Bobby!

All right. I'm sorry. I don't...

I don't care. I don't know why I'm asking.

With Jeff not at work, I'm shorthanded. L...

I'm just really tired.

- What did you want to talk to me about? - Forget about it.

Do you imagine the Dearlys were like us when they were our age?

No. She was always fat.

What time is it?

- 8:30. - Jesus. I'm dyin' over here.

Keep in mind we're remembering a lifetime.

Yeah. All right. Ten more minutes, then.

To hell with it. Let's go.

Hey, Cubby.

Me and Jeff don't think there's much point hangin' out, you know.

In my experience...

wakes aren't very well attended.

I've found that oftentimes the tragedy is so recent...

that loved ones are, in effect, paralyzed...

by their grief.

Listen. Who are we kiddin', huh?

No one's gonna come, not with the game on.

Oh, shit. I got money on that game.

Yeah. You and everyone's mother.

- I thought you were comin' by. - Yeah.

You know, yeah.

You know, I can't say your mom was good people...

- Are those pies fresh? - No.

- Shame about Mona. - Yeah, well, you snooze, you lose.

Hey, guys. How you doin'? All right?

- Can we sit down already? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. Take that booth.

Thanks, babe.

What?

- Good evening, friends. - Jesus, Cubby!

You've got...

You've got nice pictures in here.

- I appreciate that. Thank you. - Yeah.

- Where is everyone? - Jeff and Phil are at the Palace...

getting some grub, but if you care to look at the deceased...

Sure.

- Wow. - Yeah.

- She looks so peaceful. - In death, one finds serenity.

I guess.

Beautiful.

Dynamite stuff. That's fantastic.

- Some turnout. - Yeah.

So who showed up?

Bobby and Ellen stopped by about an hour ago.

Otherwise, it's just been me and my dinner date.

Tell me something, Cubby. You notice anything odd lately?

Other than the fact that no one seems to care about this woman's death?

- Along those lines. - Hell, Wyatt...

I've seen people more upset over losing change in a candy machine.

Who says you can't catch nothin' in the river?

Feege is right. We should show a little respect.

Jeff, why don't you say a word?

- Jeff, why don't you say a word? - About what?

About your mother.

To Mom. Yeah, she was kind of mean, but she was still my mom.

Someone had to be.

All right, everybody. Let's hear a nice round of applause...

for our final contestant, Mona Dearly.

All right. Nice grouping.

Everybody, give her another round of applause.

Now we await the judges' decision.

The judges are deciding who will win the coveted Golden Angel.

The winner of Verplanck's knife-throwing contest is...

Bobby Calzone!

Oh, my God! I never win anything.

Just a goddamn minute!

- You didn't vote for me. - Well, sorta.

"Sorta"? They all say "Bobby."

- Really? - Phil, you're my husband.

- You're supposed to support me. - Yeah, but Bobby had really good form.

- Thanks, Mr. Dearly. - You're welcome, Bob.

- We're just having a little fun here. - Fun?

I lost, Wyatt. I'm a loser. Does that sound like fun to you?

- Mona, I'm sorry that you lost, but... - Yeah.

It's just a lousy little contest. I know.

- Everybody can't be a winner, Mona. - But I've never been a winner.

- I've never had my chance. - You're blowin' this out of proportion.

- It's just a knife-throwing contest. - To you, maybe.

But not to me. I really wanted this...

just for one day, one day, to be a winner.

To have everybody look at me and say, "Yo, way to go, Mona."

Would it have killed you to let me take home that prize, huh?

Just for one day, to let me feel good about myself?

I don't know what to say.

You can have the trophy. I'm gonna have a second chance.

Why don't you take that trophy and shove it up your ass, Calzone?

Mona, Bobby's just trying to help.

- I don't need his sympathy. - Know what my mother used to say?

"Life gives you potatoes; make potato salad."

Well, life handed me a pile of shit. What am I supposed to make out of that?

Shit salad?

Just shut up.

The whole pack of youse just shut up!

Come here.

Look. I've been thinkin'.

Oh, no. Don't.

Listen to me.

Jeff Dearly's key chain is on a rack in his kitchen.

- Great. Wonderful. - But where's it supposed to be?

- I have no idea. Why don't you tell me? - Hanging from the ignition...

of the victim's car.

- What about Mona's keys? - That's what I'm sayin'.

Mona's keys were on Jeff's key ring in the kitchen.

Jeff's keys were on Mona's key chain in the car.

So somebody switched their keys?

- Definitely. - No, I don't think so.

Oh, you don't think so?

As far as I'm concerned, " Ding-dong, the witch is dead." End of story.

One less ain't gonna kill her.

It's kinda weird, you know, seein' the tombstone and all.

"Demoted wife, mother and dressmaker."

I didn't know your mom was a dressmaker.

Me neither.

Guess what. They're callin' Mona's accident a "case"...

which means they don't think she died because of some slippery road.

- So? - So that means there's an investigation.

It means they have leads. Phil, I watch A&E.

I understand the way a cop's mind works.

You see, they see you standin' here touchin' me...

and the next thing you know, there's the background check and the profile...

and the psychological workup.

- I just came for lunch. - Phil, these are smart guys.

These are really, really smart guys. They have tools.

- Tools? - Yeah. Of the trade?

So what are you tryin' to say?

Just stop bein' so damn conspicuous, would you, please?

Okay.

Good. I'll see you later at the Charm.

- Yeah. - Stop it!

- What's up? - Light beer, please.

So Chief Rash has been snoopin' around a bit.

What do you think he's lookin' for?

Hard to say, Phil. What do you think?

- Been gettin' much sleep lately, Bob? - Yep.

Any nightmares or bad dreams?

Listen. There's a lot of talk goin' on...

you know, the kind where things get said...

fingers get pointed, landscapers get incarcerated.

- Hold on a minute. - I want to say something to you.

You did the greatest favor anybody's ever done for me.

I just came by to say thank you.

Thank you, Bob. Would you like a beer? I'll have one.

Can I have a beer, please?

Cheers.

"Fingers get pointed."

"Fingers get pointed."

"Landscapers get incarcerated." Landscapers.

Always a little kiss-ass. Look at the little kiss-ass.

- Get outta my sight. - Kiss-ass.

- Pray for an early death! - Don't.

Laugh at this!

Bobby, he ran over it with the lawn mower.

Jeff, don't do that! Don't! Peaches!

Man!

- What's the matter with you? - What are you doin' here?

Listen. I was tryin' to tell you somethin' last night, and...

What? Wait.

It's a mistake. I mean, she wasn't supposed to die.

- Excuse me? - I don't know what happened to me.

They were driving me crazy. Every single day, they were haranguing me.

- What are you saying? - I snapped.

I thought I was killing Jeff. I punctured...

I didn't know I was puncturing things, but I thought it was Jeff's.

I didn't know I needed to... What did you do that for?

You killed Mona Dearly!

- I know. - But why?

Because I thought I was killing Jeff.

- My dad is the chief of police! - I know.

- But I wasn't gonna go through with it. - It doesn't matter.

- You killed someone! - I know, but I was doing it for us.

Jeff was killin' the business, and Mona wasn't gonna let me out, so...

It seemed like a good idea at the time.

"A good idea at the time"? Cut the grass at 6:00...

lay the sod at 7:00, drown the Dearlys at 8:00?

I was doin' it for us. It was for us. It was for our perfect life...

'cause everything we wanted...

That's just great.

- I'm sorry. - Yeah, well, I'm pregnant.

What? You're pregnant?

- It's mine? - Mm-hmm.

- That's fantastic. - I thought so too until a minute ago.

I can't believe this. How could you? We're not killers. We're good people!

- I wasn't gonna go through with it. - You're not supposed to get to that.

You're supposed to have that thing that goes off in your head that says...

"bad fuckin' idea," Bobby!

I have that thing. I have it. It just didn't go off.

I'm sorry. Please. Please. I love you.

Man, I can't believe you killed someone!

- Where are you goin'? - Home!

We need milk.

Hey, Chief. Please come in.

Thanks, Phil.

Have a seat.

Thanks for comin' by, Chief.

What's on your mind?

It sure seems clear to me...

that my Mona was a victim of an act of treachery.

There's no doubt in my mind that she's been murdered.

- What makes you so sure? - I saw it happen.

You saw it happen?

Now, granted, this ain't easy for me to say...

and it's something I should have said before...

You been playing Wheel of Fortune with someone else!

I would have told you before, but when family's involved...

things can get a little dicey.

I appreciate your discretion.

What can you tell me about Rona Mace?

- Rona? - Mace, yeah.

Well, that's...

She's...

She's a good friend...

who's been real supportive since the tragedy.

Was she supportive prior to the tragedy?

Chief, I may not have been happily married...

but I did take an oath.

- The usual, madame? - If you'd be so kind.

Good luck on your free spin.

I'm a Wheel watcher

I'm a Wheel watcher

I want it, baby.

Oh, yeah. Come on.

Free spin, honey.

Free spin.

I'm a Wheel watcher

Will you cut the shit and get down to business?

Okay. Can I buy a vowel?

You know what, Phil? I've really been a good sport about this.

I really have. I've really tried to do what you want.

You wanted to buy an "o"? So I let you buy a vowel. I did.

Because you wanted to buy a vowel. So I let you buy an "o."

But that wasn't good enough. You had to have the free spin.

You wanted to have the trip to Acapulco. You know what?

You've landed on bankrupt, buddy.

But I wanna solve your puzzle.

Please, Phil, please. I beg you.

Please tell me I didn't spend all this time with you to end up like this?

Don't do this!

I'm a 33-year-old waitress...

at a friggin' diner that doesn't encourage tipping!

Thirty-three?

What the hell are you doin' here?

Me and Rona here were...

Jesus Christ. Be a man.

Jeff, whatever you think is happening in here is happening.

You're cheatin' on Mom?

Mom's dead, son.

But, baby, how could you do this to me?

Excuse me. Did you just say "baby"?

Keep it down over there! I'm payin' by the hour!

You shut up!

- People! - Please! Have some respect!

What is the matter with you?

You're a dead man, Dearly.

I gotta get the hell outta this joint.

What's this?

I thought we'd celebrate the baby...

but I'm not really in the mood right now.

Who's that?

What am I, Dionne Warwick?

Hang on!

- Dad! - Hi, honey.

What are you doin' here? Hi!

How are you doin', Mr. Rash?

What's that?

You might wanna sit down for this. We're pregnant.

Congratulations, Grandpa.

That's just... That's great.

I know it's sooner than we thought, but we're in love.

Starting a family is all we've ever wanted.

- It is. I love you, baby. - I love you too.

Come on, Dad. Have a drink with us.

So how's the police force coming... going?

I understand you don't cut the Schneiders' lawn anymore.

No, sir. Not since Jeff killed Peaches.

Jeff killed Peaches? I thought it was the other way around.

That Peaches killed Jeff?

No, that you killed Peaches.

Me? I loved Peaches.

Poor Peaches. I can't believe you did that!

- It was in the way! - You chased it with the lawn mower!

Like you never killed a dog.

We lost that account.

Blame me, just like you blame me for everything else.

If you keep losing the accounts, then we're not gonna have a business.

Then how am I gonna take care of Ellen?

Are you trying to screw up Jeffrey's business?

You're hurting my neck!

What are you doin'? Don't touch my mom!

What do you think you're doin' touchin' my mom?

You nuts?

You tore my overalls!

- I don't think that's a... - That's your problem! Ya don't think!

- I've had it with you, Calzone! - What's that supposed to mean?

You'll see. Trust me, buddy. You'll see.

You said overalls?

Yeah.

I need to know one more thing, Bobby.

I need to know where you were Wednesday night.

At the Hideaway.

Are you sure?

Yeah. I'm at the Hideaway every night.

Well, I mean, not every night, but...

Well, yeah, I'm there every night, so...

so, yeah, I was there.

Hi, Valerie.

Got a flat? You need a hand?

How ya doin', Mr. Rash?

That's some shiner.

- It's nothin'. - It's not nothing.

I got clocked in the eye Wednesday night at the Hideaway.

Wednesday night.

Ellie never mentioned anything.

I don't think she knows about it. Her and Bobby weren't there.

What happened?

I was just drivin' when all of a sudden the tire blew out.

- I pulled off the flat and found this. - Where do you suppose that came from?

J.B. Landscaping.

She was a lousy driver. It probably caught up with her.

I was a battered husband.

This car was done to death.

Ding-dong, the witch is dead.

End of story.

I would have told you before, but when family's involved...

things can get a little dicey.

I don't think she knows about it. Her and Bobby weren't there.

I'm at the Hideaway every night.

- Bobby Calzone did it. - Fixed to kill.

Look, Jeff, I am sorry if I hurt your feelings and everything.

Look, Jeff, I am sorry if I hurt your feelings and everything.

I thought maybe if your dad and I got married, maybe the three of us could...

What? Live together so you could bang the both of us?

Well, sort of.

I can't do this.

I've been going crazy all day just thinking about you and that freak Phil.

If you're worried about me and Phil getting married...

forget about it, 'cause it ain't gonna happen.

Then why don't you marry me?

Come on, Jeff. I mean, come on.

Be serious.

I'm totally serious.

I know I don't got no ring or nothing...

but I love you, and, like, I always loved ya.

If I lived a life without you...

it just wouldn't be a life worth livin'.

Come on.

Can we play Wheel of Fortune now?

No, stop.

Stop.

Stop. Phil?

Where are you goin'?

I can't sleep. Go back to bed.

Okay.

Hey.

Don't kill anyone, honey.

Okay.

Excuse me, Murph.

Give your daddy some sugar.

It's Bobby. Murph, wake up.

- Cuddles? - No, it's Bobby.

I know you think I killed Mona, right?

The truth is that I might have done something that...

Hey. Hey!

I touched her once, one time. That's it.

Listen, hey. I need you to do me a favor.

Can you cover for me?

Hey.

Yeah, I'll cover for ya.

- Use the lambskin to clean it. - Hey!

- Chief, how are you doin'? - How you doing?

Good. I'm fine.

I wanted to ask you a couple of questions about Bobby.

I ran into Valerie, and she had the black eye thing going there.

Yeah, it's terrible times we're living in...

when a gal can't even go get a beer...

without getting clocked in the eye.

She said to me that if Bobby was here the other night...

he would have kept her from getting beat up.

So he wasn't here, is that it?

Bobby was here. No, he was here.

He was here.

Picked a hell of a time to go to the bathroom.

What's wrong?

Nothing.

Drowning. Terrible way to go.

Rather take a bullet in the head.

Rather get thrown off a skyscraper.

Or thrown in front of a truck.

I had a dog drown on me once.

No kidding?

She couldn't paddle. You think they can all paddle...

Here comes the chief.

We're gonna have to go in now.

Get him out! What are you standing around for?

We were just trying to preserve the integrity of the crime scene.

- Forensic disturbance of the... - It's water. Get him out!

We're goin' in. Here we go.

Let's go. All right.

Here we go.

One more.

This used to be such a nice, quiet town.

- He was a battered husband. - Yeah.

- I'll be right back. - Okay, Chief.

Don't go anywhere.

Hey, Clarence.

I see you took a little dip in the water, huh?

Every once in a while a fellow has got to cool himself off.

Yeah.

You want to tell me what happened?

Hi, Murph.

- How ya doin', Ellie? - Not bad.

Guess who's a bad swimmer.

Guess who sleeps with the fishes.

What do you mean?

Phil Dearly wound up on the wrong end of the proverbial beverage.

Speak English. What happened to Phil?

They found him this morning...

dead in the water, so to speak.

- Where's my dad? - What's going on, honey?

Where's my daddy?

Calm down. Slow down. Take a deep breath.

What's going on?

I just found out! Murph told me!

- I can't. Not tonight. Not tomorrow. - Bobby's a murderer!

I can't do it.

You got problems, dude. I covered for you long enough.

- The bodies are starting to pile up. - Bodies are piling up?

- Get in the car. - Get...

Okay.

- How ya doin'? - Shitload better than your dad!

- What... - What's wrong?

- What happened to his dad? - What are you turning into?

A serial killer?

Seen Ellen?

Don't go anywhere because you and I need to have a little dialogue.

- Where you going? - I'm getting the hell outta here.

Listen, if Phil calls, you don't know where I am.

- Didn't I tell you? - Tell me what?

Phil's dead, honey.

Phil's dead? Why didn't you tell me?

I told somebody.

We're gettin' married Sunday!

It's gonna be okay, sweetie.

- Breathe. - I gotta go.

The closer we get to the wedding, the more people he murders.

I've heard of cold feet. But I can't marry a murderer!

That's not who I am. That's not what I'm about.

It's gonna be okay.

I really appreciate you doing this.

That's what friends are for.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

Yeah. It's okay.

Everyone says weddings are stressful.

I didn't see it coming. Maybe we should have eloped.

Maybe I pushed him too hard with the boneless breast of chicken and all.

Don't do this to yourself.

If he really did kill anyone, it's just 'cause he loves me.

I'm not saying it's okay.

It's just that's how committed he is to the relationship.

Sweetheart, there are other ways to show you care.

- I know. I love him so much, Dad. - I know you do.

I'm gonna sort this whole mess out, all right?

Okay.

Was Ma like this before you guys got married?

- That was a little different. - How's that?

No one died then, honey.

Right.

- Dad? - Yeah, baby?

You're not gonna tell him about Lucinda, are you?

Of course not.

Besides, I experimented a bit when I was your age too.

Hi, Jeff.

What are you doin'?

What does it look like? I'm gettin' the hell out of here. Want to help me?

That's very funny. You didn't think stumpy was funny last night.

What about last night?

What do you mean, what about last night?

- I told you to stay away from her! - You're gonna pay for this.

You got the short end of the dick. She don't love you!

It ain't the meat but the motion.

You don't know how screwed you are, all of you, you, Rona, Bobby.

I'm gonna expose ya all.

- Give me your hand. - Yeah, yeah! Whatever!

Why don't you friggin' swim home?

You think I killed him?

I'm not gonna stick around and wait for the autopsy.

So you're leaving me?

No offense. Your family is whacked.

Fine. Fine. I'm leaving, then.

Okay.

This is 002. Come in, 001.

Go, Feege.

- Remember Rona Mace? - Vaguely.

She's about a heartbeat away from scratching gravel.

- Did you say scratching gravel? - Copy that, Chief.

Get Tony and Jimmy over there. I'm on my way.

Hang on.

Miss Mace? Seen Ellie?

What's the matter?

- Is he apprehending him? - Calm.

If we take him down...

- I didn't do it! - Put your hands down.

- I didn't do it! - Put your damn hands down.

- I didn't do it. - I didn't do it either.

- Put your hands down. - I didn't mean to kill her.

Keep your mouth shut. Move over here and shut up.

- Where you goin'? - I'm owed vacation time.

I find that highly unlikely.

No son-in-law of mine is going to go to prison.

In case anyone cares, Jeff Dearly is at the cemetery with a gun to his head.

Holy shit.

Nobody move.

Tony, Jimmy, just keep everybody here.

Feege, you come with me. Come on!

- Stay here! - Stay calm.

- Don't let them move! - You got it, Boss.

Come on, baby!

Don't move any closer, Sheriff. I swear to God, I'll do this!

He's not a sheriff!

I know how upset you are about your dad.

To hell with him! Everyone knows he's not my real daddy.

- Then why are you doing this? - She said she was gonna marry me.

- Who? - She said she was gonna be my wife.

- I don't know who you're talking about. - Rona!

- I love her! - I love you, too, baby.

I told you to stay put!

Honey, please, don't make me a widow before we get married.

Do it!

Don't do it!

You've got your whole life ahead of you, unless you blow your brains out.

Don't do it.

I know you all think I killed my parents.

- We don't think you killed anybody. - You're full of shit.

Everyone knows I've been wantin' to get back at her ever since that night...

Ma, there's no more beer. Give me some of yours.

Don't touch that beer.

I said...

- Was I so wrong? - Bet your ass!

Yeah, but I didn't kill her.

Don't get me wrong. I'm glad she's dead and all, but I didn't do it.

I know you didn't kill her.

I didn't kill my dad neither.

- Then why don't you give me the gun? - 'Cause my life sucks, man!

- Don't do it. It's not gonna feel good. - Give it a whirl.

Would you shut up?

You know what? To hell with all of you. This is bullshit.

Damn! Damn!

- Damn! - I'm all right.

- Is anybody hit? - I'm all right.

- I got the gun. Come back! - You got it?

All right.

- You all right? - Yeah.

Everything jake here, Chief? Just securing the circumference.

Come with me. Come on, ya little baby.

Come with me.

- Am I in trouble? - No.

Listen to me very carefully.

I want you to remember every word I say.

I spoke to Clarence earlier...

and these are the exact words he used.

- I'm deeply hurt. - How do you mean?

All this talk about Ellie's weddin', and I wasn't even invited.

Of course you were invited, you and your wife.

I'm married?

Clarence, now, what the hell's goin' on?

You mean with the damp clothes and the hair?

That's a start.

That's 'cause just last night I killed...

What's his name?

Phil Dearly?

I killed Phil.

Hey, Clarence!

Give me your hand.

- Come on! - Hold on, buddy. Hang on.

Any reason why?

Any reason?

Well...

You know the night in question?

I was seein'it all go down.

I gotta tell ya, it didn't look good for Bobby.

Phil Dearly knew that Bobby tried to kill Mona.

Bobby wound up in the hoosegow.

- Pardon? - The jug, the can, the coop.

If Bobby got thrown in the pokey...

what kind of a life would that be for Ellie and the baby?

How'd you know she was pregnant?

The point is, I just couldn't sit there and let Phil Dearly...

take down the only decent people still left in this town.

Wow. Thank you, Clarence, for the thought...

but you still did a very, very bad thing.

To bad people.

You punctured the fetzer valve. Phil cut the brake lines.

Then he switched Mona's keys and drove the final nail into her coffin.

I don't know what to say, Mr. Rash.

Don't say anything. But know this.

I will die before I ever let you ruin my daughter's life.

I will hunt you down, chasing you to the ends of the earth...

pursuing you relentlessly until I am satisfied...

that you know what it is to suffer the wrath of God.

You will welcome the relief that death will bring.

- Got it? - Got it.

I just want us to be happy.

You, me, Ellen, the baby.

We're gonna be like the von Trapp family.

You know, The Sound Of Music, the family from Austria, Julie Andrews...

and all the little kids singing.

Come with me.

Marriage is an institution not to be entered into lightly.

So, is there anyone here who feels that this couple...

should not be joined in holy wedlock?

Last chance.

Okay, so be it.

I now pronounce you husband and wife.

What are youse waiting for? I'm dying here.

- I love you. - I love you too.

Congratulations.

Way to go.

Where's your date?

I don't have a date.

Then what are you gonna do afterwards?

Nothing.

Unless somebody dies.

Congratulations, you two.

Well, Clarence, buddy, it's time.

Ready?

- Things good? - Yeah.

- How about you? - Okay.