Original subtitles

THE HOUSE OF SMILES

I'll send you to Africa, damn it!

You shat all over this institute!

I'm the only person here, I can't do everything,

That corpse in room 94 puked everything!

And that other one in room 105 has foot blisters,

You're crazy!

And as soon as I turn around, you shit your pants,

Do you know what my salary is?

Without considering tax deduction, lNPS, lRPEF, SAO,

I'm lucky if I can make one million and two hundred lire,

It's not that I get a "shit bonus" or a "puke allowance,"

You're too kind,

You should've sent her to Africa a long time ago,

We can't go on picking up her crap every time,

She's old, fat, and sick,

She belongs to Africa,

I'm not a spy,

Keep this up, and we'll send you to the terminal ward,

So, will you bring me the chocolate with cherry?

Cut it out, You shouldn't eat, Be a good girl,

The chocolate with cherry!

Hey, I start working at 8:00 every morning,

Do you have any idea how dreadful it is to clean up her ass all day long?

Thank goodness, I go out at night, I get drunk, I smoke a joint,

Otherwise, how could I stand all this? I'd rather kill myself,

She's right, So what are you going to do?

Are you going to the notary?

Yes, I'm selling my house, I'm going to the notary with Giovanna,

I like it here,

You're a fool!

If you sell it, you'll end up empty-handed,

You're a hopeless case,

I'm tired, I'm going to the café,

Okay,

All right,

-Bye! -Watch it!

-Good morning, -Good morning,

Thank you,

What a beautiful woman, eh?

Come here to your grandma,

Hi, Grandma Adelina,

Hi, You're so pretty, Both of you,

Why are you dressed in black?

She's still mourning for Dad,

-Good morning, -Good morning,

Where's the car?

Over there,

It's so big, you can't even see it,

How wonderful,

Alberto always dreamt of having a car like this,

That's why I bought it, I felt like I owed him,

May I drive?

No, I'm still testing it,

I'll just go over there,

Besides, you didn't renew your driving license,

I did, I have it here, Look,

Dad used to say that Adelina was a better driver than him,

Let's go,

And the price? How much does it cost?

52 millions lire,

I sold my old crockery, and they gave me two millions,

I paid the rest in cash,

Where did you get all that cash?

Dad's insurance, They gave us 160 millions,

160 millions? What about me?

Why? Was anything due to you?

Just a little sum, not everything, Just a little bit,

I don't know, Alberto registered the insurance under my name,

And under our names,

Alberto never considered that he was the child of an unmarried woman,

An unmarried young mother,

who worked her whole life to raise him,

Ma'am,,,,

Mother, you're not the only woman in the world

who raised a child on her own,

I know I'm not the only one, but,,,,

But she's right,

Back in Adelina's days,

it must have been tougher than nowadays,

What should I say, then? I have two daughters to look after,

Yes, but 180-- 160 millions?

Please don't damage the car, okay?

Grandma, you've been in this hospice for a long time,

Are you still able to drive?

Yes, yes, I'm good,

Let's hope so,

Why is the lawyer coming to my place?

The young woman at the agency suggested it,

And he was kind enough to agree,

Kind?

I'm not disabled, I can walk,

I thought it was a good idea, To take less of your time,

Time? I have so much time now,

Well, I don't, Mom,

I have to take them to the dentist at 3:00,

I understand,

My mother-in-law finally made up her mind,

That is due to the seller,,,,

Mom, we can take the paintings we've hidden,

What do you mean, "hidden"? We just put them aside,

Sure, we put them aside,

Who took everything down?

My mother and l, Have a seat,

Please sign here,

Yes,

And here,

Here,

And here,

Great,

Grandma Adelina, you don't have a house now,

Shut up, Maria, What are you talking about?

Yes, yes,

This is the advance for the sale, It's 30 millions lire,

Please look it over, Ma'am,

So I'll see you next month for the deed?

No, it won't be necessary, Mom,

The lawyer filled out the sales contract under my name,

Giovanna Goasti, widow of Bottini,

This way, we spare you another trip and more inconvenience,

What inconvenience?

I'm happy to get out of the hospice for a while,

take a walk, see things, sign some papers,

It's exciting,

If there's anything in particular that you're not satisfied with, Mom,

we can change things,

If you don't trust me,

Why shouldn't I trust you? You're my poor son's wife,

Come here, Grandma,

Give me the check, Adelina, before it gets lost,

The computer doesn't work anymore,

No?

The cat walked over the keyboard,

It deleted the first chapters of my book, Diary of a Principal,

Everything's disappeared, Over, Gone,

You know what? I sold my house,

Why?

If they saw you right now, your students,

Too bad you sold your house, We could have lived there together,

My son, since you died, I felt so afraid,

Someone like me, who traveled all over the world on her own,,,

One day, I told myself, "lf you're alone,,,,"

I felt ill,

I'm in here now, And I got used to it,

I did the right thing, selling my house,

What about you?

You gave 160 millions of the insurance to Giovanna,

And to your mother? Nothing,

All Italian sports fans--

What am I saying?

The entire Italian population

mourns their young children, boys, girls,

who were coming back as winners

from the triumphant South East Asia tour.

The unlucky members of the top 20 Italian basketball teams

were aboard of a Boeing 747 that crashed on the landing strip.

What a tragedy, What a tragedy, Think about it, 20 teams, 20 teams,

1 0 male teams and 1 0 female teams,

How many players are there on each team? 1 0?

Five players,

-Five players? -No,

The guys who play basketball are young,

Yes, they're young,

-They're usually 20, 30, 35 years old, -Without considering the ball-boy,,,

-The ball-boy, -,,,they can even be 16 years old,

16? All young people,

Well, those who die young are dear to Heaven,

-Luckily, we're not young, -We were spared,

A bottle of VOV and two glasses, please,

Okay, but you have to pay, I want the money now,

Don't worry, I'll pay,

I can pay for one, two, three bottles of VOV,

As long as you give me one bottle of VOV and two glasses, please,

Mrs, Adelina, would you like a glass of wine?

No, thank you, I'll take a VOV,

-She's so nice, Mrs, Adelina, -Yes, she is,

She's pretty,

Nobody is having a drink here?

I'd like to bother you to remind you

that you promised me something last Sunday,

What did I promise you last Sunday?

I asked you to have a drink with me, and you said:

"Not today, Another time,"

-Married? -No,

-Bachelor, -Oh!

-Dad, stop looking at that woman, -Why don't you go sign the checks?

-We have to take the kids-- -Yes, the little hyenas,

-Your grandchildren, to Judo class, -Oh, really?

-Come on, Dad, -Let's go, let's go, Move,

Since a promise is a debt, and I know that you like VOV,,,,

-Are you spying on me? -Of course, I'm spying on you,

I'd like to introduce myself, I'm Andrea Fosco,

3-stringed Arabian guitar professor,

Nice to meet you,

Professor of what?

This one's for the expense fund,

This one's for the suppliers,

This one's for you, who cost me more than the whole factory,

Wouldn't it be better to go to the bank and give us a proxy?

You think I got stupid with age? It's out of the question!

-Hi, -My dear professor, Ma'am,

-My kids, My hyenas, -Good evening, attorney,

-Come on, Dad, -Enough!

I'm not hungry yet,

Let's go ask the piano player to play a sweet song,

Good idea,

-It's getting dark, -Yes,

In a short while,

the night will start to lay her veil of silence on the mortals,

Only for the night, and maybe never at dawn,

It reminds me of certain nights on a boat in the Swedish fjords,

I worked for a long time in the Northern Countries,

Now I can see why you have a slight foreign accent,

It's attractive, exotic,

I was born bilingual, I was born in Bolzano,

I remember those nights,

the boat lit by thousands of light bulbs,

The parties aboard, The fancy people,

Those nights, long, endless,,,, Magical,

I've been on party cruises, too,

I've never been to Sweden, But I've been in Africa many times,

The Mediterranean Africa,

Maghreb, Barberia, the mythical Atlantis, Sava,

I love everything about Arabian culture,

Its ability of reconciling the opposites,

Science and magic, astrology, and astronomy,

By the way, are you a Sagittarius?

I beg you pardon?

Your astrological sign,

November 30th,

You see? You're at the sign's peak, A very pure Sagittarius,

And how do you know that?

Just a simple deduction,

You see, I'm a Leo,

And the moment I saw you,

I felt an incredible attraction to you,

The stars say it,

Between Sagittarius and Leo, there's a cosmic, magical attraction,

Almost a fatal one,

Even our numbers match,

What numbers?

According to Cagliostro's hand, Adelina makes 80,

which means that you're destined to live a late romance,

Andrea makes 131,

-Good morning, -Good morning,

You make such a nice couple,

-Thank you, -All the best, All the best,

Did he tell you how many planets you have in common?

Five, We have five planets in conjunction,

His ascendant matches your sun,

There's a strong attraction between your signs,

The chemistry between you and him is very intense,

More than from affinity,

it's born out of the characters' similarities,

That's why it's very strong, and sometimes passionate,

Excuse me one moment, Just a moment, One second,

-Get ready for exercising! -Good morning,

I'd rather keep studying this morning,

Come on, they're waiting for you,

-Good morning, -Good morning, Rosy,

I'll leave the bike here, or they'll deflate my tires,

Not always, just during the day, Then, when I leave at night, I'll,,,,

Good morning,

Isn't it nice? It looks like a decoration,

-Like something by Andy Warhol, -Adele?

See if you like it,

Tranquility,

The rocks penetrate, crickets' voices,

Good, Good, good, good, good,

Hurry up! I'm not waiting for you,

Nice,

What is it?

It's a haiku poetry contest,

What's that?

It's Japanese poetry,

Let's go, Let's go,

Poets and students who won the Nobel Prize,

Tacchini in 1 941,

Who cares? Walk, It's good for you, Walk, Go, run,

Come on, come on, We need to clean up this place,

If we could only fall like cherry's flowers,

So pure, so bright,

I'll be right there, Just one moment, I'm coming, Yes,

One, two, Stefania, lift your leg,

Adelina, where are you going? Shall I wait for you for lunch?

Don't wait for me,

It hurts, It hurts, It hurts,

It will stop hurting in a short while, Or would you rather be in Africa?

Our coach, Have a seat,

Oh, my God, I've never seen anything like that,

We have 20 of these,

Let's pedal, Let's pedal,

Let's go explore my private jungle, You'll see,

I worked in all the major hotels in the world,

I was the executive secretary,

I almost lived a lifestyle of luxury, But I also worked a lot,

This Andrea, the attorney, They are both so horny, yes, yes,

They're still trying to--

They're looking for their mom,

He's awful, He's always looking down here,

It was very kind of you to insist in inviting me here,

We were meant to live together,

Now that I'm here, I feel very happy,

Me, too,

Unfortunately, all the suites are taken,

Yes, Ma'am, we have a double room,

-Good morning, -Good morning,

Hansel and Gretel,

So, Adelina?

You're all quiet and reserved,

and then you go partying in the fields,,,,

Smile, smile, smile, It looks nice on your face,

Did you know, Andrea, that the lady here, Miss Bottini,

was Miss Smile in '37?

-ln 1947, -ln 1947?

Really? I thought it was 10 years before that,

Well, I'm sorry,

I always think about the Caponara couple,

You know them, right?

Anastasia and Marino, He's 89, She's 89,

They're so nice, so sweet,

Obviously, no sex, But what does that matter?

What's done is done, How do they say?

"Give up and watch your arteries,"

Good-bye, Doctor, Let us live,

It's true that they still have these issues,

It's not that they just disappear,,,,

I have to be strict here,

In this situation, I have to be strict,

-Excuse me, -Sure,

How reckless, To take a blonde woman to Africa,

And one, and two,,,,

The doctor is such a bizarre woman,

Maybe a little too straightforward,

What would you expect from a psychologist?

What a mirage, Where are we? In Africa?

It's not a mirage, I'm a magician,

We'll follow this adventure very closely,

Now we're going to a wonderful place,

Courtesy of our friends,

How nice,

I want to hear something in Arabic later,

So, apparently this strong chemistry between Leo and Sagittarius is real,

A friend of mine confirmed it,

Is it real, then?

So you didn't believe me the other night?

No, I didn't believe you,

What is this place? This jungle?

It's a secluded spot that my African friends made for themselves,

So they can come here undisturbed with their wives,

away from their kids,

It's the first time that they lend it to me,

Come and see, Come and see how nice it is,

Go in,

Professor, how passionate you are! There's time for everything,

I've been waiting for months for this moment,

-You know that, Come on, -No, Professor, no,

Not here, Not in this watermelon,

No, no, It must be full of mice and spiders,

There are no mice or spiders!

All they do here is fuck all night long,

Blacks, whites, all the kids,

Time, you can't boast that you made me change,

You're beautiful!

Come on, go, He's waiting for you,

Good job, Stefania!

You'll see, Exercising will do you good,

You and the professor make the perfect couple,

Look, what do you think of a transparent lndian veil

to put on your naked body?

It's a see-through veil, It stirs delightful pleasures in the male,

And at the same time--

Hurry up, Don't make him wait, Be nice to him, He's so vulnerable,

He's a poet,

Hey, pretty blonde!

Adelina, are you going dancing, all dressed up?

Look at her,

I'm eating here tonight,

I have a bit of a stomachache,

A soup and then off to bed,

And then you should eat a bit of honey,

Yes,

What's this blood-red lock of hair?

-lt was a fit of madness, -Yes, I can see that,

I was dating a Tunisian two years ago,

I put an ad in the paper, saying that I was looking for a date,

And this Tunisian girl showed up, A beautiful girl, a panther,

She said, "l read in the newspaper that you were looking for a date,

I'm single, so I'm looking for a man to keep me company,"

I said, "Great," And she said, "However, I'm Tunisian,

And we don't eat meat,

We don't drink and we must be virgins at our wedding,"

I said, "Well, at least some fondling,"

And she said, "Okay, don't worry, We'll have fun,

We'll be like husband and wife,"

In fact, she'd scrub my shoulders, and I'd scrub her all over,

Adorable Miss Adelina, Hi,

But I couldn't touch her down there,

This woman, this blonde, drives me mad!

She drives me mad,

What should I say, then?

This is our best room,

Professor Feliciano Stacchini's room,

Also known as "the Deacon,"

Nice to meet you,

She's the guest, Mrs, Bottini, Her friends call her Adelina,

I'll call you Adelina, then,

Oh, what a beautiful woman,

She's my sister, I was 10 years old,

She was a baroness, a saint,

She gave me a book as a present,

"Santa Teresa of Jesus, History of a Soul,"

I read it,

It recounts the saint's life,

which is incredibly similar to my sister's,

And since then, it hit me! It got into my life,

This is my room,

I share it with a gentleman who's not here at the moment,

He's a runner,

And this is my bed, These are my Arabian instruments,

A guest, Bottini? You have such pretty legs,

He doesn't belong,

He's a male nurse who's here to smoke a cigarette,

And when I need a little privacy or intimacy, I just pull the curtain,

Lord, you know who I am,

I'm here, if You want me, It's up to You,

Sorry for the lousy bathroom, but I chose this stark room,

You know why?

Because there was extra room for these,

I'm the only one who loves to change clothes even two times a day,

See? 48 articles of clothing, of all styles and colors,

From all over the world,

How wonderful,

Look, Look at the colors of these fabrics,

There's such a great spiritual relationship,

of thought, of love, with my sister,

that if one day she told me, "Feliciano, go, go to the North Pole,"

Well, you know, it's a little far away,

But I would go!

Let's try to stay together,

I don't feel like having lunch with the attorney,

Neither do I with my roommates,

Come on, Let's go,

Yes, come on,

Adelina, aren't you having lunch with us?

Thanks, but I'm with Professor Fosco,

We need two seats,

May we sit here?

You're more than welcome,

At last, some company,

You're Anastasia and Marino,

The famous "spiritual love" couple,

Well, we couldn't stand it, We couldn't do it,

I told you that you drink too much,

You always talk about my drinking,

Why don't you reproach me for something else?

How are you, Miss?

We can leave,

There's no need,

I'll hold her on my lap,

You want to hold me on your lap? You remember that, eh?

Obviously, physical love has its advantages,

Why don't you come eat with us? There's a vacant seat,

There's some really good food, Ham, mozzarella,

No, I'm having lunch with her today,

-Anyways, you know,,,, -Shall I keep your seat?

No, no, thank you, Thank you,

-Bye, Thanks, -Bye, Enjoy your meal,

Hurray to the new couple of this institute!

-Hurray to the new couple! -Hurray! Hurray!

You are rude!

Old people are not nice people, The lack of energy makes them mean,

You have to leave her alone, this poor woman,

I hit her a few times, but with my hands, never with the cane,

They're such liars,

Then who caused her these wounds?

What? Do you have wooden hands? Show me your hands,

Dr, Peri is right, You can't beat up the patients,

Oh, you're so good-hearted,

You're all good-hearted, You're all saints,

Poor her,

Yes, the Good Samaritan,

Shut up,

But when you get mad, you are worse than a sailor,

Dr, Peri, I need to talk to you for a second,

I need to talk to you, as well,

-Do you want to talk now? -The sooner, the better,

-About what? -Private matters,

Okay, I'll be with you after I'm done here,

Thank you,

I don't call her names,

When it's time, I just kick her out,

Adele, I have to tell you, I don't like this,

What?

I'm saying this for your sake, because I'm your friend,

This morning, I heard crazy things about you,

-Good morning, -Good morning,

-How are you? -I'm fine,

-Everything's okay? -Yes,

-How's Mom doing? -I'm fine, Thanks,

I'll see you later,

They told me that you were lying in a field,

That you were drunk,

They found an empty bottle of VOV this morning,

First, I wasn't lying in a field,

Second, I wasn't drunk,

Then, don't you think that's none of your business?

No,

If you do it shamelessly in front of everyone,

it's everyone's business,

So you can't do it in a street, nor in your bedroom,

nor in the woods, nor in the watermelon,

nor under the pear tree,

Then tell me, where?

-What are you doing here? -I was making a call to my sister,

Yes, go ahead and call you sister, please,

That's why the professor and l wanted to have a double bedroom,

To have a little bit of privacy,

So the Arabist, with his gentleman's look, is also a scoundrel,

He's married, Did you know that?

Why didn't you tell me that you were married? What a liar!

I'm sorry,

Maybe I acted too lightly,

-What's her name? -My wife?

Esmeralda, She's Hungarian, A noble landowner,

We first met in Capri, in 1952,

-What's she like? -She's authoritative, A strong woman,

But capable of sudden tenderness,

-I meant, what does she look like? -Tall, pretty, strong-willed,

An exotic Slavonic beauty,

-What about your relationship? -This sounds like an interrogation,

-I'm sorry, I didn't mean to, -It's okay,

-Adelina is such a smart woman, -I know, We live next to her,

They don't know me, Just say that I'm a friend,

What's the big deal?

-Are you sure? -Yes,

Look, it's not going to be nice,

I want to go anyway,

Okay, this way,

And most important, don't be scared, Don't get emotional,

Remember, if you get scared, don't show it,

They call it Africa here,

Because the male nurses are all black,

"All hope abandon ye who enter here,"

Don't look at the old hags,

How are you, dear?

Come, sweetheart, let's go,

-I want to get out of here, -I told you what it'd be like,

We're here now, Come on, let's go,

-Hi, Madu, -Hi,

A little song to help you sleep,

Water! Water my plants!

A little song to help you sleep,

Congratulations, Ma'am, What a nice garden,

-Thank you, but they need water, -Of course, they need water,

-ls she your wife? -Are you kidding me?

"The Führer is using him to train his best pilots.

And in one year, one year and a half,

these men will be able to set the skies of the whole world on fire.

Be ready for this.

Let's be ready to face this very tough period.

May God soon join our fate, Pandora. You are always in my mind.

I love you, Peter. "

-And you? Do you love him, then? -To me, Peter is....

-Yes, I know. He's just a good friend. -He's something more than a friend.

And something less than love. Anyway, Peter is Peter.

And I don't want to give him up.

I see.

It's a shame that men like Bogart

always end up falling for the first two-cent broad they meet,

And most of the times, she's blonde,

-How are you? -I'm fine, thanks, And you?

This is Mrs, Adelina Bottini,

My wife,

Why are you bowing?

Is she your mistress?

-Do you make love? -I beg your pardon?

She's a good friend of mine, She has troubles of her own,

I bet you've sung and danced for her, too,

La Ballata della Caena, La Regina dei Berberi,

It's his favorite piece,

Certain sounds of the ballad have a strong aphrodisiac power,

And this? When will you keep him quiet?

You crazy Hungarian, Get some rest,

-Bye, -Bye,

-Why are you bowing? -It's courtesy,

Ma'am, If these canaries keep chirping, I'll strangle them,

Hi, How are you? This is my friend, Adelina,

-Nice to meet you, Ma'am, -Charmed,

You're so beautiful,

I'm the last white bulwark of this colony,

The great white wizard,

You have a beautiful dress,

I'm having a party with my people, yeah!

If you want to come with your woman,

It'd be great,

Sure, Absolutely, Don't forget your guitar,

Absolutely,

-Do you have any children, Adelina? -I had a son, He died, And you?

-I have a little girl, -How old is she?

-She's two years old, -Can I meet her?

Sure,

I'll show you something,

Isn't that wonderful?

We make a stew out of it, It's delicious,

I believe you, I do,

Personally, it disgusts me a little bit,

But I guess it must be good,

See? The shift is changing,

Those are the new ones, They're very mean,

Dear friends, we're going to have some fun now,

Let's go,

Come on!

My wife is a progeny of a famous gypsy outlaw,

Well-known for his ferocious misdeeds,

You wait here, okay? Be still and quiet,

Me, too!

Me, too!

A threesome!

Go away, you creep!

What were you thinking, you dirty old man?

You're guilty of indecent exposure!

Article 526, three months to three years,

-And then there's,,,, -lt was--

It was you who wanted to join us!

You wanted to join us!

-Me? Yes, I did, -You wanted to join us!

Damn it, I'm a well-traveled man! I can understand things--

-Go away! Go away! -A well-traveled man!

You're a little asshole!

-Who are you calling a little asshole? -You!

I didn't quite get it, What did you call me? Little asshole?

-Yes! -Yes,

Oh, go to hell, you and your old hag! You're both disgusting!

What are you saying? Asshole!

Scoundrel! Thug! Peeping Tom!

Come here! Come over here! The Devil is here!

You're like a little lily,

You hide behind Mom's skirt, I mean, Grandma's skirt,

Let me go! I don't want to see him anymore!

What's going on? Why are they fighting?

Oh, obviously, it's Adelina,

I can't stand to see you cry,

Do you want me to talk with your dad?

Yes, that way he can beat you to death, as well,

What's the matter here? Who wants to kill the doctor?

No, it's okay, Stefania has a little problem and,,,,

What are you talking about? You call it a little problem?

This a reactive syndrome,

The doctor told me,

Yesterday, that bawdy dwarf of the attorney almost killed the professor,

I cried all night,

I'm not going back home, I don't give a damn,

I'm going to the police, I don't care,

My dad already says I'm a thug,

That's not true, You're not a thug, Not yet,

The scoundrels in school are the ones who make it in life,

In my class, there were two good-for-nothings,

and they became big professors,

Cavalli, on the other hand, was a model pupil, covered with pimples,

But he knew all Foscolo by heart, Then one day, he committed suicide,

Rat poison,

His belly was so swollen, Like a melon,

And he died,

-And he exploded like a ball, -Poor guy,

After I won the Miss Smile contest,

they offered me a role in A Doll's House,

I had to tour all over ltaly for about six months,

My daughters are bad, These two are good, Clap your hands,

Bravo! Bravo!

They call me Mimì

But my name is Lucia

Why don't we have a baby?

You really are crazy,

Look,

My daughter-in-law and her daughters,

She wears her jacket like my son Alberto,

And Dr, Peri,

They're talking about us,

I'd like to meet them, I mean, they are your only relatives,

Why don't you introduce them to me?

Why not?

Let's go ask them if they want to be godparents to our unborn child,

I don't want to pass as the moralist here,

He's a very handsome man, He's very funny,

But he creates big problems here,

Our kids!

Dr, Peri said you're dating that man that was with us,

He's handsome, Kind of old, but handsome,

You like all men, You're like Grandma,

So what?

Oh, it's not a problem at all,

A woman is allowed to feel attraction or to have a friend--

Or, why not? Even get physically involved,

As long as it remains within the boundaries of decency,

Especially at a certain age, There are the kids,

What kind of image would the kids have

of a grandmother who runs after certain things?

They already don't give a damn about their grandmother,

And least of all their grandmother's public image,

Come on, kids, let's go to the terrace to pick some flowers,

We had a beautiful bouquet, but we gave it to Dr, Peri,

-There's only leaves out here, -lt doesn't matter,

Oh, I'm tired,

Dear Adelina, I don't want to tap into your private life,

I'm a lonely woman, too, Like Giovanna is now, unfortunately,

Yet, it's never crossed her mind or mine when we became widows,

to look for a man, just to have a male figure at home,

You're widows, I'm not, And do you know why you're widows?

Because you never gave a damn about men,

While I like men, I find them funny,

I like to have them around me, And they feel this,

So that's why they like me,

Hopefully, Grandma Eleonora will give Grandma Adelina a lesson,

Maria!

What are you talking about?

You must learn to love both your grandmothers, okay?

So, Adelina, from what I hear, you're causing a scandal,

And then you are surprised if your grandchildren, two kids,

wear totally innocent tight leotards?

-Have you ever noticed the lake? -No, we came to the wrong place,

No, no, The statue has always been there,

How horrible,

We have to try and wade across the lake to get to the trailer,

-We'll be warm in there, -My love, I want you so much,

Come on,

We can't proceed, The water is too deep,

Ours is a doomed love, Men oppose it,

And nature, as well,

-Help! -Help!

There's a lake out there,

The blacks wanted to evacuate everyone,

The water is so high that it looks like being in Venice,

Oh, Venice, This love is so romantic and perilous,

The two love birds of the lagoon,

This is the picture that she sent me from Tunisia,

She's a former post office clerk,

Why don't you eat your pasta? It's delicious,

Sure,

Didn't you hear the rain tonight? It was a deluge,

Take one now and one after dinner,

And don't spit them out after I'm gone,

Did you know that they wanted to go to Naples?

-By foot? -By car,

The highway patrol stopped them while they were hitch-hiking,

They were short of money and gas, But Auntie had hidden a lot of cash,

Up to four millions, and she couldn't find it anymore,

That was the last time we made love,

What are you saying, you shameless woman?

Don't you see? They're leaving,

I've never heard you say something like that in public,

Adelina, Do you need me?

Keep an eye, If you see anyone, whistle twice, Bye,

Let's go,

-Do you need anything? -No, thanks,

-A little Japanese music? Sake? -No, thank you,

Perfume?

-No! Thank you, -I'm your Geisha,

-Do you want her to stay? -I want to stay with you,

Thank you, thank you, thank you,

Stefania,

Stefania,

The professor is staying here with us tonight,

Can you come with me? I need to take a shit,

I'm all excited, and you talk about this!

I need to take a shit,

Come on! Wake up, guys! We need to clean up this place! Come on!

Cover yourself, What did you do?

-Did you fall off the bed? -I didn't fall,

It was too hot,

And it's much cooler on the floor,

Yes, sure, You must have tumbled down,

You know, I told a lie,

But don't say anything, or they'll take me to the disabled ward,

I need to do my duty,

Can you help me get on my feet? I want to drink my cappuccino,

Why? The floor is so cool,

Eat, eat, You're a paralytic now,

Poor Stefania, What's wrong with you?

And you used to be a principal,

-This is our home! -You can't walk in,

-You foreigners! -This is housebreaking! Yes, sure!

-I can explain, -What is there to explain?

Miss Smile, this is a public facility, It's not a bachelor apartment,

This is a private bedroom, I meet whoever I want here,

Yes, but without fucking,

-Aren't you ashamed? At your age? -No, Miss,

-Lucky fellows, -How fun!

What? It's your right only? Or is there an expiration date?

Come on! Move! Dress yourself and leave,

Come on, Everybody, leave now,

If the supervisor walks in, he'll kick my ass, not yours,

-Don't push, -Come on,

Don't push,

-You left me here all night, -I was in complete ecstasy,

Damn you!

Hey, I have to tell you a very important thing,

It's a matter of life and death,

They're all mad,

This isn't a hospice, It's a madhouse,

It's your fault, You mortified a man of that value,

You humiliated him! In front of everyone,

But now you'll pay for it,

I mortified him? I gave him love,

You whore! Whore!

Adelina!

Open the door!

It's not Adelina's fault! She's a victim!

Open the door!

That Japanese woman wanted to strangle her

for the love of the professor,

She stood there, like this,

And the professor wanted to kill the attorney,

Such a great love story,

But they're making a mess all over this place,

Miss Bottini is not cheap, She dates only one man at a time,

She's a romantic,

What are we going to do? Kill her because of this?

You, for example, Go talk with the professor,

And tell him to calm down a little bit,

That's not the point,

The thing is that all male guests,

when they see this woman, they all get excited,

Bottini is the dangerous one, I'm telling you,

And it won't be easy to neutralize that person,

-Why don't we steal her dentures? -Miss Smile wears dentures?

I didn't know that, Where does she keep them?

You always come out of the blue?

Where would she keep it? In her mouth,

I'm game, I'm game, Let's do it,

Whose dentures are you going to steal?

Miss Smile's,

Miss Smile's?

Yes, This way, she'll calm down a little bit,

-Will you stop looking in here? -Where should I look?

So if I didn't overhear you, you wouldn't have told me anything,

Good, I'm really happy about it, Great job,

What is it? We need to ask permission to play a prank now?

To take an old woman's prosthesis away from her is not a prank,

You don't care, do you? It's more complicated than you think,

These old people, we assist them, we clean them up when they're dirty,

It's obvious that they see us as mothers, fathers,

Dr, Peri, maybe for you it's a primary projection,

but for us, they're projections

that piss and shit their pants all day long,

Obviously, these are subconscious dynamics,

It's not that they realize that,,,,

Oh, I didn't know, shit now is called "subconscious dynamic,"

Guys, enough!

Bottini's dentures stay where they are,

I'm the one in charge here,

Yes, but we're the ones who must deal with all this,

Then let's do this, Let's notify their relatives,

Sure, let's put up posters, as well,

Come,

She's so hot, I'm taking dance lessons from her,

If this thing goes well, Doctor, we made it,

This is crazy, There are outrageous things happening in here,

Anyway, every punishment needs to be notified to the family,

Oh, Dr, Peri, explain yourself,

Are you on the side of unconscious or of the rules?

You want to do like your friend here? Is she the unconscious?

-You're old-fashioned, -Oh, I'm old-fashioned now, Great,

-Miss Smile wears dentures, -Mean!

I was just trying to play it down,

If only we could fall like flowers-- Adelina, what's the matter?

-You took my dentures! -No, no, It wasn't me,

-I didn't do anything! -Give them back to me!

Miss Smile, stop it, Or you'll be wrong,

-I'm sure it was her, -Don't worry,

We'll find your dentures, We'll find them, You'll see,

Let's get married.

I'm going to ask you for the last time.

I'm already married.

I'm married to all the injured who are fighting against death right now.

They're almost 300. They're my 300 husbands.

I really loved this story,

Let's get out of here,

Adele, you're always beautiful to me, Nothing has changed,

Everything's changed, I don't want to die,

Adelina, come on, Cheer up,

What matters is to love each other, Appearances don't matter,

-They're so ephemeral, -My dentures are not ephemeral,

Today it's here and tomorrow it's gone,

It's gone today!

Those old women kept only one, They didn't have three,

Where can I get two more? I'm going to trash this now!

Dad!

-Give it back to me, -Yes, take it, take it,

I want to see if you're going to stop,

Dad, why don't you come back home?

Yes, so I'll have you in my way again,

Come on, we'll buy a big villa, and we'll stay all together,

-Yes, yes, sure, -Each floor will be an apartment,

That scoundrel, I'm sure it was him,

I'll go there and punch him,

No, don't do it,

I can't stand you, I want to be alone,

-You! It was you, -Yes, it was me,

No, wait a minute, Excuse us, excuse us,

I found it, Come with me, Let's go, let's go,

Excuse me if I take it with my hand, but my hands are clean,

I'll retaliate, It's a lousy prank,

Shame on you,

-What's wrong, Adelina? -They stole my dentures,

Why would someone steal your dentures?

It's a personal thing,

I didn't lose them, They took them from me!

The jaw structure is unique for each and every person,

It's like a fingerprint,

They did it in order to humiliate me, To punish me,

A prank, They played a bad joke on you,

Anyway, getting new dentures isn't easy,

You'll have to bear part of the cost, which is not cheap,

Our Health Service has a waiting list, which is very long,

Young people, victims of accidents,

and who are in more need than you of new complete dental prosthesis,

Just because I'm 70, you think that I can wait?

But I can't wait at all, I need it so much,

I'm just saying that you can eat thin soup, soup with pasta, broth,

babies' food, cooked pears, all easily digestible food,

And if you eat without dentures, your gums become stronger,

They become strong as a caterpillar,

And at your age, what do you care?

You lived your life,

Having or not having teeth, or dentures,,,,

Who gives a damn?

I give a damn! Sure, I do, You want to know, why?

Adelina, I didn't know that you were attracted to me,

You fool,

No, no! I can't make love like this!

Why do you worry so much about a little defect?

You know, sex is important, But how about my feelings for you?

-What were you saying about sex? -Let's watch the soap opera on TV,

Listen, I'm a young woman. I love you. I really do.

But I can't waste all my youth waiting for a married man.

Can you understand that?

I love you, too, Mariana. And that's what matters.

You're my best partner at work.

And one day, you'll be my partner in life, too.

Who's that man?

I've seen him everywhere for the last couple days.

At every street corner. Every place I go, he's there.

I think I might even have had a dream of him tonight.

I'm sure it wasn't a sweet dream.

What is he doing?

-Hi, Amadu, -Hi,

-I bought a van, -Really?

I'm leaving with my wife and my son, We're two, three families,

If you'd like to come, there's room for you,

Where shall we go?

-Let's go, -Come on,

Don't worry about your dentures,

Even if it costs 5-6 millions lire, I'll do anything,

I'll sell my clothes, A Caraceni tuxedo,

Even my guitar,

-No, never, -You're my love,

Never in my life I'd accept something like that,

-No, -Yes, you would, my love,

If it's necessary, I'll sell a kidney, an eye for you,

How can you be so wonderful?

Silvana, why are you cleaning the car?

There's the race tomorrow,

I want to go there with a shining car,

I had number 9,

At your age, you're still superstitious,

-No, you're giving me the money, -Who's giving it to me, then?

I gave it to you, I gave you my house, Dentures cost 7-8 millions lire,

What are we going to do?

You know well that I invested that money

in long-term Canadian bonds,

They expire 10 years from now,

-Can't you withdraw a little sum? -We can't, We'll lose a lot of money,

I don't care,

You have to come out with some money one way or another, I need it,

Grandma, when are you buying me a helmet?

Grandma, you're so ugly without your teeth,

How am I going to do it?

Who knows when I'll get Roberto's pension?

Plus, I had to buy braces for them, two millions each,

I have to go to the mountains with Silvia

because she's got weak lungs,

And I had to buy this car,

Poor you, I feel like crying, 160 millions lire, Do you realize it?

Why are you wasting money? You could have bought a Panda,

A Panda?

Then why don't you go to the Health Service?

They give you free dentures there,

Oh, I'm sorry, Sorry, I didn't mean it,

Let's wait two months

and find an institute that makes dentures for old people,

Dear Adelina, I'm sorry to say this,

But you don't pay any attention to other people's troubles,

Giovanna has a whole family to support,

And you don't have to support anyone,

Hi, guys, Good evening, Ma'am, Are you going to watch TV?

Yes,

You know, I had a great idea,

If it works, everything will turn out well,

Let me talk to my wife, Esmeralda,

You'll see, Everything will go smoothly,

You let her kiss you like that?

There's nothing between us, I swear,

Do you mind, Ma'am?

We need to talk for a minute,

Move, I can't see,

A little more,

-How's it going? -Not good,

What's that? A turban against the desert's sand?

-You gave it to her, huh? -No,

A regrettable thing happened to my friend, Miss Bottini,

Some mean people, people who enjoy other people's suffering,

stole her dentures,

She went to the Health Service, but it will take six months,

-So she was thinking,,,, -What was she thinking?

Well, since you're fed through a tube now, just provisionally--

I mean, it's a completely temporary thing,

Could you please lend me your dentures?

I always enjoy this man's bright ideas,

Even when they made me mad,

Come on, lend your dentures to my friend,

Come on,

Yes,

But first, I want to know the truth, The whole truth,

Are you lovers?

Listen, Esmeralda, if I denied it, I'd insult your intelligence,

No, not from you,

I want to know it from her, from your friend,

-She has to tell me, -Yes, We're lovers,

We make love,

I never thought that at the end of my life,

such a wonderful thing was waiting for me,

Even if there are still many problems, It's not easy, you know?

Here,

This way, when he'll kiss you, it will be a little like he was kissing me,

What was that? What's going on?

What's happening to the poor woman?

Watch it, Mariana!

I see that as soon as one talks about operations....

You took me literally.

To see you like this makes me want to make love to you right here.

I'm not Roberto. I'm Francisco.

Thank you, Esmeralda,

Only you are capable of such sublime gestures,

Go, Go now, I don't want to miss the rape,

What a rascal!

I can't wait to make love to Miss Adelina!

Don't shout, They look good on me, huh?

Very much!

-Oh, excuse us, -No, no, Come, Come, please,

There's some coconut if you want to eat,

How nice of you,

-Hey, -Hi,

I'll play a nice serenade,

Be careful, dear,

You have to be careful,

They're not your teeth,

Oh, look at that,

You have your teeth again, I'm so glad,

They're my wife's, Donna Esmeralda, I talked her into giving them to her,

What a beautiful mouth,

You have to celebrate, You and the professor,

And you?

There's time for that,

Isn't it nice?

-Let's leave the fruit here for later, -Thank you,

-My new smile, -Absolutely,

Do your best,

If we hadn't worked out the problem, I would have gone crazy,

I'm pleasantly surprised,

I wasn't expecting such an enchanting woman,

Here we are, As I promised you, this is my housekeeper,

This is my friend, a judge, He's a sportsman, almost a champ,

How could you mix with bad company like that attorney?

A person so fearful of God like yourself,

Unfortunately, I often let the devil tempt me,

At night, I can't even sleep,

Hello? I have a stock of clothes to sell,

A Caraceni tuxedo, I mean, a lot of clothes, Are you interested?

There you go, I think I'm going to leave,

I'm retiring to my villa in Capri with my new housekeeper,

Wait a minute, We made a deal,

I wanted a housekeeper without a family,

-Help! -Who's this guy?

-Help! -God's punishment,

Help! Help!

Miss Bottini, please give me your prosthesis,

Be quiet!

Let me finish my steak,

I haven't eaten one in three months,

Adele, let's not make things more difficult,

-These are Nazi-like methods, -Nazi-like, huh?

What about stealing something that a poor woman needs to get by?

A poor woman? She's a lady,

And she's being fed through a tube,

And these dentures are a loan

until she gets the Health Service's dentures,

Listen, my dear guest, do you know what you did?

You committed a felony!

Don't exaggerate,

When you're done eating, you can take away your dentures,

Listen, attorney, you have to stop playing the dandy, do you hear that?

There's no room here for colored concubines,

We're not in a casino in Tangier,

This is a facility for the elderly,

And leave other people's women alone,

Some people can, others can't, Depending on one's own strength,

I can't stand this anymore!

If someone did it in the past, he can't do it anymore, Stop!

End of the story!

She's very nasty,

-She's not completely wrong, -Oh, please,

Hey, Mister, how are you?

Check my pulse, Please, I don't feel very well,

That guy wouldn't leave me alone, Look how he beat me up,

Adele, enough with this show, Give me the prosthesis,

Give me the dentures,

Shame on you! Shame on you!

Stop it!

I'm dazed and confused,

I want to go away,

Where? You think it's easy? And my wife, in that condition?

She was the one who set up the denture prank,

And you bring her up only when it's convenient for you,

I need a man who can help me, protect me, take responsibility,

I'm fed up with men who always depend on someone,

who always need something,

with lots of problems, lots of wives,

You tell me what am I doing with a man like you?

That when it's time to show some balls, he takes out his guitar,

Tell me, You tell me!

What do you want me to say? You said everything,

I know, Giovanna,

One needs to go to the seaside, The other to go to the mountains,

But I need money, too, I need to go to a place, too,

Of course, you don't understand me, I don't have my dentures,

Give it to me, Hello? Good morning,

I'm Mrs, Nunzia Fidafetta,

I'm a close friend of the lady, and I'm also her financial advisor,

Just tell me three things:

The bond's amount, Maturity, lnterest rate,

20-year Canadian bonds?

For God's sake! Do you think your mother-in-law is immortal?

At the moment, she has financial problems,

She needs money,

There's nothing you can do?

It's not your business?

There! Let's do this,

Send the warrants to me, and let's stop talking about it,

Okay? Hello? Hello?

She hung up, What a scoundrel!

Hey, you dead people,

The undersigned and the lady here are moving out, my dear,

What? Are you going to another institute?

Institute? We found a job on TV,

Oh, how nice, Where, in RAl?

I wish, But we'll get there to RAl,

Don't worry, We'll get to RAl,

-And how much do you get paid? -Two millions per episode,

It was all her idea, You know what she said?

Instead of cleaning your asses,

do you know what we we're going to do? We'll use ours!

What a language!

You can't even trust your children these days,

much less your daughter-in-law,

What were you expecting? What were you expecting, my child?

-So how did it go? -Bad, really bad,

20-year Canadian bonds,

Come on, drink this, it goes down even without dentures,

Drink, come on,

Her daughter-in-law broke her heart,

If she's not drinking, I am, Thank you,

Are you giving me one? Yes or no?

Here he is, He came,

Go away!

Go away!

Professor, you can't come into the female ward,

Forgive me,

Please, Adele,

Listen to him, He's got such a beautiful voice,

Talk to him,

I must tell you two or three things,

If you won't listen to me, I'll kill myself,

Talk to him, Don't make him suffer, Don't be hard on him,

And real love, real great love, is the one that hurts the most,

Dostoevsky said that, too,

I've been thinking a lot about last night,

And you were right,

A man must take responsibility, Especially when he loves someone,

And I intend to take responsibility towards you,

No, I don't trust you anymore,

Why not?

Listen, why don't we celebrate by giving her her dentures back?

Yes, poor guys, Come on,

Me? I don't have them, I gave them to her,

Me? I don't know, I put them somewhere,

Where did I put them? Oh, yes, On that shelf,

Well, you have to find them,

Find them? It won't be easy with all this mess,

-Now they've disappeared, -You had them,

It's not a done deal, It's only words,

But there's a movie wardrobe department

very interested in my clothes,

-What happened? -Let's go, Dad,

Excuse me,

Are you going to live with your daughters?

Good-bye, Good-bye,

Where will I sleep?

These clothes are made with a special fabric,

It's a good deal,

If we make the deal, we'll go to Switzerland,

To the best dentist ever, Don't worry,

This time I'll forgive you,

I'll give you another chance,

Thank you, You're so good to me,

Do you remember that man who wanted to buy my clothes?

Well, I bought these from him for nothing,

They're from the only ltalian "Dracula,"

There's a little inconvenience,

The canine teeth are a little longer, But they're made of very fine china,

And you can use them until we get to Switzerland,

Forgive me if I didn't trust you,

My friends, Thank you, Good-bye,

Guests! Please!

Last trip, Aren't you happy? I'm taking you out for a walk,

-I'm self-sufficient, -Yes,

-I'm a Principal, -Yes,

-Knights of ltaly, -Yes,

-Mind, I'm a champion of everything, -Yes,

-Stop eating now! Sit down! -Please!

Come on, take your coffeepot, You broke the computer, too,

-No, it was the cat, -Oh, all right,

Bye, Bye,

Come visit me, Adelina,

It's become deadly dull since Stefania left,

And that scoundrel of Rosa,

Oh, we used to get up to all kinds of mischief,

I miss them,

Can you give me the bag?

-It's 15,000 lire, -Thank you,

Leave it, I'll take care of it,

I'm going, Are you coming?

It's better if I don't,

because Esmeralda asked me for three nights of love,

It's more a mental than a physical thing,

but it's better if I don't come with you,

Don't talk to me about Esmeralda, Just don't,

I'll have a drink, non alcohol,

That crazy Hungarian,

-Alì? I need to walk, -Try harder, I'm coming,

-So, Stefania? How are you today? -I'm fine,

-Did you take a leak? -Yes,

-And did you poop? -Twice,

-Great, -I brought you all kinds of cookies,

I don't need anything, Because old people don't eat here,

They give everything to me,

So I can eat 1 0 vegetable soups, 1 0 steaks, 10 cheeses,

On Sunday, 10 cakes,

How nice,

Are you leaving with this?

Look how nice it is,

And we're leaving in the seats of the hotel,,,,

I'll bring you a chocolate cake tomorrow,

They say this is an ugly place, but it's not really true,

It's a great place, You can eat whenever you want,

Hey, you ugly blonde, I need to talk to you,

What do you want?

Come here, you ugly blonde,

I'm not talking to you,

You fink!

First you give me your teeth, Then you take them back,

I'm not talking to you!

Listen, you ugly blonde, Let's make a deal,

You give me that, And I'll give you mine,

Kind of like it happened with Andrea,

Thanks, but I got used to it,

I got used it, like with Andrea, The kids love them,

I became a sort of funny sorceress for them,

Alì really loves them,

Oh, yes, I like you more with these teeth,

They really look good on you,

Later,

Yet I'm convinced they'd look better on me than you,

-Bye, -Bye,

Listen, are you coming back to visit me?

But without the food,

-Yes, Sure, -Only for love,

It's not fair!

Why is it that the best ones always die?

-So long, Goda, -He was so handsome,

You haven't played in a while,

Dear Adelina, we have to help them to stay in their splendid world,

Otherwise, ours gets worse,

You see? We're all in the same boat,

And we slowly pull towards a dark and incomprehensible delirium,

Since this morning, I've been hearing a strange drumming,

It's the traveler's drumming, Our friends are leaving,

What? They're leaving without saying good-bye?

-They forgot about us already, -Let's go!

Mimì, are you crazy?

Are you leaving without saying good-bye?

Adelina, your smile with those beautiful teeth

will always be in my heart,

But nothing dies, nothing is over, So, why are we saying good-bye?

You made up your mind, then, You're leaving for good,

Give me a smile,

Good luck and have a safe trip,

It's horrible, How can I play my guitar without you now?

-Good morning, -Good morning,

-Good morning, -Good morning, ladies,

Have a safe trip,

We're taking them with us, The kids got used to them,

They're like their grandmas,

Thank you for remembering me, for taking me away with you,

I love you, Adelina,

Let's go away with them,

Good-bye, Adelina! Good-bye, Andrea!

Alì, what's the matter with you? Can't you drive?

You want to get everyone killed?

No, it's not that, I'm used to driving in my country,

It's much harder here, I don't have a license,

There are too many trees,

I have an idea! Why don't you come with us? It'd be great,

Don't touch my car, guys!

Help us find a nice country for us, For our daughter,

-Can you drive, Adelina? -I got my license 20 years ago,

Please,

So? Are you coming?

What about my guitars? My clothes?

We take them there, We take them back,

But where?

In a nice country, Anywhere,

To have some fun before dying,

Let's just go,

-So suddenly? -Yes,

-You'd rather stay here? -Maybe, I guess it's better if I do,

You'll wait for me, then?

I'm going to the South, with a golden jacket,

Good luck,

-Bye, -Bye,

Let's go!

Adelina! Adelina!

Adelina!