Original subtitles

Let's see you leak on me now, you caulk-sucker.

Get it? I'm caulking the window, and I just called it a caulk-sucker.

You know, not the C-O-C-K sucker,

the C-A-U-L-K sucker.

My fuck, I love caulk…

ing.

Oh, my fuck. Why are you low-riding, Limp Bizkit?

Come here, boy. Please tell me you got something in your back paws.

Please tell me you got a burdock

or a splinter.

Well, here we fucking go. You've got fucking dirty, old arse worms

coming out of you like a Play-Doh Fun Factory.

Somebody's having a good time with himself.

What happened to his cock? Why is his knob missing?

That must have been fucking painful. What?

Dogs don't have knobs like humans. They got fucking lipstick tubes.

Mind your own goddamn business.

Okay, just look away. You're staring at a fucking dog's cock!

I can't help it. Listen to this shit.

Listen to the licking and sucking, it's fucking ridiculous.

Don't you be blowing your dog load all over my leg, either.

Ricky, that's enough. Let go of that fucking thing.

Thank you. It's about fucking time.

I can't believe you're shooting your lips off in the first place.

I know if you could lick your balls in public,

- you'd be fucking doing it right now. - Bullshit.

Well, maybe.

Bubbles?

That's me.

The doctor's ready to see Limp Bizkit now.

Sure you don't want to sneak in this knobless dog

- that's about to blow his load? - Ricky, come on, get in here.

What is wrong with you?

Wow.

What do you mean, wow?

That can't be a good "wow."

- Isn't it just worms? Worms get a wow? - The worms I had definitely get a wow.

It's not just a worm, he's got hookworms. Much more dangerous.

What kind of more dangerous?

Hookworms basically eat away at the stomach lining and intestine.

It could be fatal for kittens, if not treated and they could spread.

Fatal. Okay, that's it. Let's get this treated before it spreads.

I agree, my ass is getting itchy

- just looking at these bastards. - Get your fingers out of your hole.

How much for the treatment?

It'll be a few days of boarding, medication.

You're looking at seventeen hundred dollars.

- Seventeen? - Seventeen hundred bucks!

What the fuck! That's quite a chunk of change.

I got rid of mine with a blowtorch and a screwdriver.

You can't use a blowtorch on a kitty!

If you shaved him.

Where in the fuck am I gonna get this kind of money?

I don't know. What do you want to do here?

I want you to fucking figure it out!

You're the one with all the plans. Get planning.

I can't fucking believe we're back here again.

Sam, you here, you cockless cave quiff?

Sam, it's us. You back there?

Hey, boys. How are my buddies doing today?

Good, man. How about you?

Never been better, Julian.

I've got a new partner, who's unbelievable in the sack,

business is great, making money.

Life is perfect.

So, what can I do for my friends today?

My kitty has hookworms, Sam.

Aw, hookworms? Poor little guy.

Those are nasty little fuckers, especially for kittens.

Don't worry, little buddy.

Uncle Sammy will fix you right up.

You will?

Are you on some kind of happy pill, Sam?

'Cause, no offense, but you're usually a nasty prick.

No, I'm in love, and you're in luck.

I had an overshipment of drugs years ago, and it's taking up space.

I'm starting to feel like a freaking hoarder!

What the fuck?

-Down! Everybody down!

- Fuck off. - We're down!

- I'm down... - We did nothing.

We're not armed!

Hands on your head. You're under arrest!

I didn't do nothing! What the fuck did I do, Officer?

Illegal trafficking of human testicles.

You sick fuck!

One fucking time I see Sam actually being nice to us,

and he gets arrested selling balls on Amazon.

There's only one other option.

Ricky, get us the fuck out of here. Fast!

Nice. Faster than the curious.

What're you doing? Are we doin' this or what?

Look at your gas needle. It's on E, dummy.

It doesn't even work. I can tell there's gas byhow the car feels.

None of it works. Says I've been out of oil for 6 months. It still runs great.

You can't tell shit.

Listen, we're gonna fill up your fucking car with gas,

rob the place, and that way, we're not gonna fucking run out

trying to get away from here.

Look who's in love with gas all of a sudden. Let's marry some gas.

- Fuck you, Ricky. - Just hold the fuck on here.

You can't just waltz into a gas station and rob it.

- Why not? - Because it's fucked, Ricky.

But this place is easy. People rob it all the time.

What's that, Limp Bizkit?

No, you heard it right, yeah.

We're about to rob a fucking gas station

for your ass worms, like it's no big deal.

Just another fucking thing we do on a regular basis.

Fuck's sakes!

That fucking greaseball beat us to it.

Give me the fucking money.

Please don't hurt me! Take it. It's all they had.

Oh, man, there's not even 100 bucks here.

Let me go, please!

I don't want to go to jail! I'm on house arrest.

Jesus Christ, pal. You wouldn't do well in jail. Go on, beat it.

Thank you, sir.

My name's Brogan McSweeney. I've got to tell you, that was impressive.

Yeah, it would have been impressive if he had more money.

- An actor, are you? - What? An actor?

I see the camera fellas there.

- Was this whole thing staged? - No, man.

They're just following me around, documenting my life.

- Ah, it's a shame. - Oh, yeah? Why is that?

I'm producing the new Clint Eatswood movie in town.

You've got the look we need.

Are you fucking kidding me? Clint's shooting a movie in town?

- He's directing it, yeah. - Oh man, I'm a huge fan.

I always wanted to be in a Clint-Arnie-Stallone kind of movie.

What's this one about?

Stop trying to pick up Australian dudes. Let's get out of here.

- I'm fucking Irish, man. - Shut the fuck up, Ricky.

It's a wrestling movie starring Sledge. You ever heard of him?

What? Sledge, the wrestler?

Seven-time world heavyweight champ?

No, never fucking heard of him before!

Oh, my God! I'd do anything to be in that movie.

Well, we can always use background performers,

so if you'd like to be in it, bring your friends.

Oh, my God, are you serious?

Boys, we're gonna be in a wrestling movie with the Sledge!

Here's the address. See you in an hour.

According to the internet,

background actors can make up to 200 bucks for the day.

And Julian, if he gets a speaking role,

he could make fucking 12 hundred big ones.

He said every penny's coming to me, towards my kitty.

We heard the news, and we're in, dude.

This sounds exciting. I'm good at playing pretendies.

- Yeah, dude, anything for kitties. - Two high fives coming at you.

Nothing better than your whole family coming together to save the day.

Thanks, fellas.

Okay, boys, remember when I told you anything over a three-second hug is weird?

Yeah, I do.

You're five seconds over. You gotta count, boys.

Stand still, Cory. Don't flinch, Jacob.

Oh, devastating!

Wow, you fellas are really taking this acting thing serious.

Brogan McSweeney said this could start my movie career, man.

Brogan McSweeney?

The BroganMcSweeney? Clint's producer?

Oh, my frig!

I love all of Clint's movies.

They're so real and lifelike.

Since when are you into Clint?

Since when are you, Julian?

Since my entire life, dickhead.

Are you sure I can't come? I can background act, too, guys.

I really need you to look after LB, Randy. Please.

Can't Trin and Sarah look after this little guy?

Just a heads-up, guys.

If you bring that cute, hookworm-infested creature

anywhere near this trailer,

I'm gonna knock you the fuck out!

No offense, Bubbles.

No offense, Randy, but you're not being in the fucking movie.

You look like walrus's shit,

you smell like a moose's bag, and you're dumb as a dead trout

that wasn't even that smart when it was lived.

- That's not very frigging nice. - Fuck you.

No, boys, stop that shit. Okay, it's time.

- Let's go become movie stars. - Yeah!

Boys, I don't get freaked out too often, but holy fuck.

- I'm gonna be in a Clint Eastwood movie. - With your two best friends.

- Well, four best friends, right, dude? - And my two best friends.

I fucking love you guys.

- Love you too, Julian. - Yeah, man.

Yo, dude, I'm not the best at counting, but that's got to be three seconds.

No talking, Cory.

- Yeah! - Fancy.

Brogan will be right with you. Help yourself to the food and beverages.

Oh, my God, dudes, it's a dream come true!

Jacob, step back, Free Pop-Tarts!

Pop-Tarts for me!

Oh, I'd love a Pop-Tart.

I haven't eaten in six days.

Hang on now, guys. Which one is Julian?

- Me. - This food is for speaking cast only.

Hi, I'm Randy Lahey, Julian's manager.

This here is Cory Trevorson. He's doing security.

The other two, I'm not sure who the fuck they are.

I'm Jacob. This is Cory.

We're in something called background?

Okay guys, I'll have to take you down to background holding.

Come with me, please.

Put the food down.

Spit that out!

Nice going, Ricky. Fucking management?

We might not get paid now.

We're gonna have to take our money's worth in food, then.

This isn't about you getting your money's worth of food,

it's about getting cash to save my kitty's life!

Nice, look at that.

Good to see you getting into character.

Uh, yes, sir, that was all acting right there.

Taking this one hundred percent serious.

When do we meet Sledge?

We'll be ready for you on set in five minutes.

Fucking right on.

Great job on the cheese sandwiches, too.

Okay, guys, you may as well get naked and work up a pump.

We'll be shooting your scene soon,

so, if you could come to set hard, it'd be great.

Uh, why is everyone naked, dude?

I don't know.

And why do we have to get hard?

I don't know.

Uh, excuse me, guys.

I think we left something… important out in the car.

Yeah, we did for sure, dudes.

Oh, my fuck, look at the way he works the ring.

What a professional.

He's something else, isn't he?

Method acting. Taking it seriously, Brando-style.

And he is gonna be counting on you big-time, Julian. Big-time.

No problem.What do you want me to do? Do I get a script?

So, I told Clint about that little incident today,

and he wants it to be raw. He wants it to be natural.

So, just use your instincts, man.

Get in there, show us wrestling moves.

Wrestling moves?

I don't know any wrestling moves. I can fight fight, though.

Green Bastard knows all the wrestling moves, sir.

Piledriver, backbreaker, facebuster,

DDT, high-fly off the ropes. I know everything.

That's okay, Bubs, I think I can figure this out, man.

Fucking perfect.

I'll hold your drink. You get in there and show us what you got.

Is there a problem here?

Do not touch the drink. The drink stays.

Uh, it might be an insurance or a creative problem.

You sure about that?

Yeah, one hundred percent sure. It's a deal-breaker, actually.

Look, I think we should talkto Clint about this. Follow me.

Bubs, what the fuck was that all about? "I can do all these wrestling moves."

What? Are you trying to crush my fucking dreams here, man?

I can do all the fucking moves, and you can't.

Sorry, it was the Green Bastard talking, but he…

said, because he knows he has far superior skills to you in the ring.

It's not just about big muscles, you know. There's skill involved.

We need to talk to you about this movie.

Yeah, we saw naked men.

They were shiny and oiled up. They looked good and everything, but…

It's a wrestling movie, you fucking dummy!

Get the fuck out of my way. We're about to meet Clint.

Julian, I'd like you to meet Clint.

Clint, this is the guy I was telling you about.

Julian, Clint. Clint, Julian.

Whoa, holy shit!

Sorry, sir, I just kinda thought you were a little bit taller.

Back in my acting days,

I would've made your day…

punk.

- Huh? - So, he wants to keep

the drink in the shot. Is that a problem, sir?

Well, it might be a continuity nightmare with the spillage.

Oh, look, if he can't do it, I sure as fuck can!

Green Bastard from parts unknown.

- Nice to meet you, sir. - Bubs, that's enough.

I won't spill a drop, sir, I promise.

Okay, let's give it a shot then.

Okay, folks, we're gonna roll. Quiet, please!

Okay.

I really want to feel this from the heart, guys.

Rolling!

I can't fight you like this anymore.

I can't fight…

my love for you.

What? Your love for me?

Oh, my God, Ricky, look at the name.

What? Clint Eastwood.

No, separate the words, Ricky.

"Eats wood."

Oh, my fuck, I get it.

Isn't that like a gay porn name?

- Yes, it's a gay porn name! - What is?

Ricky, they're making a gay porno movie right now!

- Where? - In front of us!

This is a gay porno set!

We tried to tell you, dudes!

Don't fight it.

I need to feel your warm body on top of mine.

Whoa, don't fucking touch me. What the fuck are you doing, man?

Okay, I've had enough. I need a break here.

A break from our relationship?

But I feel like it's just starting to burn.

Okay, I'm done here. I'm done. I don't know what the fuck's going on.

Cut! Check the gate!

That was beautiful.So real.

We got that one.

Oh, my fuck, boys.

I almost feel bad about how much more food I'm about to eat.

Listen, Bubs, I know acting with Sledge is a dream of yours,

and you do know a shit-ton of wrestling moves.

- I want to make that happen for you, bud. - Oh, is that right?

- You wanna make my dreams come true? - Yeah.

And it's got nothing to do with the fact that you just realized

you're starring in a gay porno film?

Julian, nice scene! I really felt it out there with you, man.

Sledge, I don't know how to ask you this, but...

How did I transition from wrestling to acting?

It's a long story, but it happened right after my injury.

I went to a very dark place, and after years of debauchery,

I found myself in a high-stakes celebrity game of Dungeons & Dragons

to alleviate the depression, and…

well, find the thrill that was gone from my life.

Unfortunately, I bet my entire life savings

against David Hasselhoff, Chevy Chase, Betty White, and Bananarama…

and lost.

Come on! Bananarama?

Huh, yeah. And that led to Betty White interfering

with an unsuccessful four-way with Bananarama

and me being forced into a short career in Turkish ditch fighting.

I hit rock bottom, guys.

That's when I saw Clint's ad in the paper. Pretty fucked up, huh?

Well, yeah, but I was kinda talking about the type of movie this is.

A soft gay porn? Well, look, it's no different

than Michael C. Hall kissing men in Six Feet Under,

Brokeback Mountain, Shameless.

None of those guys are gay.

I'm not gay either.

We could all get our big non-gay break from this.

Man, I don't know, man. I don't know if I could do this.

It'll be easy. I just have to come up from behind you

and pretend I'm going in.

Oh, my fuck.

No, it's not so bad.

I just think about things that get me hard,

throw on a cock sock, and slide along your taint a little bit.

You just have to get in character, man. It's art.

Okay, I'm out. I can't do this, Bubs.

I was only doing this for your kitty.

- This is too much, though. - Julian, please!

Hey, you're gonna have to take my place. You are the Green Bastard, aren't ya?

The Green Bastard?

Whoa, now!

This actually might be better.

Well, just hang on. Wait, now.

- I'll go talk to Clint. - Boys, I really don't think I can do this.

I don't think I can pretend to be gay for my kitty.

I'm so conflicted.

Am I a horrible, terrible father?

Come here, pussy.

Poor little guy. He must be so uncomfortable.

Randy, he's gonna rub his little arse right down to the bone. Get him down!

Psst, here, Limpy. Come to Uncle Randers.

This is no frigging use.

He frigging hates me. Psst.

Oh, here he comes.

That's it, Limpy.

Come here.

Frig! That stings!

Frig! It stings!

That's it. We're calling Bubbles.

Randy, just spread a little cottage cheese on a cracker,

and he'll be all over it like stink on a monkey.

Oh, and if you see an old diaper of Mo's kicking around,

put that on him, in case he gets the shits.

I'll be there as soon as I can.

I never thought I'd ever utter these words in my life, but…

looks like I'm gonna do soft-core gay pornography with Sledge

in order to eradicate hookworms out of my kitty's arse.

Okay, Green Bastard, pretend you're packing up your gym bag,

and Sledge will walk in.

And what do I say?

Just respond to whatever he says. I want it to feel real.

Action!

Hey, I just broke up with my man and could use a little consoling.

Why leave so soon?

Uh, have to, stove's on.

Could burn the place down. Left it on. Goodbye.

Well, I don't want you to go.

Oh, yeah? Why is that, now?

- Because I'm single now. - Uh-huh.

And I'd really like to get a look at that hot, wet, back pussy of yours.

Yeah, okay, cut! Nope.

Sorry, thought I could do this,

but I don't thinkl'm cut out for this type of film.

Cut!

What the bloody fuck is going on here?

Brogan, deal with this.

I got to squeeze out a deuce.

We're taking an early lunch.

You have one hour to get your shite together,

or I recast all of you, you fucking cunts!

Well, we're in a real fucking pickle here, boys.

We better find someone to pretend-fuck him,

or my kitty is gonna die.

Here.

- Frig! - What are you doing up there, Randy?

Nobody in the park has frigging cottage cheese,

and he hates me.

Just hang on. This is how it's done.

Here, kitty. Come here, kitty.

Here, kitty!

It's okay, boy.

Daddy's here with the tickle sticks. Everything's gonna be alright.

Who's got your belly?

Wow, that's amazing.

Y'all done filming, guys? How'd it go?

Uh, funny you mention that, Randy.

You in an acting kind of mood, bud?

What do you mean?

You know, we got thinking,

and it's not right for us to deprive you to be in this movie.

Do you wanna be in a Clint movie?

Well, I thought I was too ugly and stinky.

And dumb. Don't forget about the dumb part.

Ricky, smarten the fuck up.

- You wanna be in Clint's movie or what? - What?

Are you frigging serious?

Yeah, serious, Randy. There's one catch, though.

You have to wear the Green Bastard suit. He has to think it's me.

But I'm allergic to fabric, you know that.

Who knows what will happen if I had a full bodysuit on.

Come on, please, Randy. I really need you to do this, bud.

And there's a second catch. You gotta give us the money

- you're gonna make from it. - What?

Look, Randy, Limp Bizkit's gonna die, okay?

I'm desperate here, bud. Please!

I don't know, guys. What's in it for me?

Well, I'll tell ya what's in it for you.

Us being your buddies again.

Forever. Right, boys?

Boys! Right?

Fuck's sakes, all right. I'll do it, but I'm not happy about it.

Okay, I'll do it.

- I'm in! - Yeah, you're gonna be in, all right.

Decent! Thanks, Randy!

I'll go grab an old pair of my glasses for you.

Quiet, please!

My name is Bubbles, and I love kitties.

How did that sound, guys?

I don't sound like Scooby-Doo, Randy.

Just try not to talk, Randy.

Guys, we're ready on set.

Action!

- Hey, where do you think you're going? - Oh, nowhere.

Just tidying up my things.

I like to be tidy.

Well, that's good, then.

I may need to drown my sorrows by drowning you in my hot ball broth.

You came to the right place because I just finished working out

and I'm pretty frigging moist.

Oh, hey!

You wanna get a little something happening here,

do you, big fella?

How does my monster truck feel in your little tiny garage?

What are you doing?

You're not even in.

There we go. That's better.

- I'm tapping out! - Hold it.

Cut! Check the gates.

That was the one.

Holy shit, that was really good. Really good acting.

I think only one of them was acting.

Holy shit, boys. We've got 1,900 bucks here.

Yes, baby!

Limp Bizkit's hole is gonna be all pink and clean like a baby's heart!

Okay, how are we gonna split up the extra two hundy?

I say we spend the whole thing on a big chunk of hash.

Nope, fuck that. My cut is not going towards hash.

Some extra cat food would come in handy, though.

Wouldn't it, little buddy?

Holy shit, check you out.

What? Do ya got the chicken bops, or were you blowing the fucking sun?

- Ricky! - What?

How's the rash feeling, Randy?

I'm just airing it out. It'll be fine, though.

I just hope my date doesn't get grossed out by it.

Date?

Oh, Randy's got a hot date, does he?

I'm really frigging nervous. I hope it goes well.

- You know what will make it go well? - What, Julian? Tell me!

Here, bud.

Seriously? For me?

That was really nice of you, Julian.

I mean, we did promise him friendship, and money counts.

What the fuck are you doing? Why the fuck should he get the 200 bucks?

Come on, Ricky, he did all the hard work when you think about it.

The hard work.

Some people might say he worked his ass off.

Sorry, Randy.

What in the Christ?

Sledge?

We're going out for burgers and to see where the night takes us.

Well, good luck, Randy. You did good today, buddy.

Thanks, Julian.

Today's been a really weird fucking day, boys.

Yeah, weird as fuck.

Hey, let's get some burgers.

- My treat. - Yes.

Oh, fuck.

Jesus Christ!

Fuck off.