Original subtitles

♪ Kitty Shakes If they're tired of nip ♪

♪ Kitty Shakes If their step needs some zip♪

♪ Kitty Shakes Getting fit while they play♪

♪ Give your cat a shake today♪

- Whoa. Awesome, buddy! - Right on, Bubs!

Fucking decent, right, boys?

Oh, baby, having this little gold mine as the signature drink,

I think I can make enough to fund a whole chain of Fuzz Aldrin's.

A whole chain of Fuzz What-drin's?

Fuzz Aldrin's, Ricky, the space-themed catcafes

I've wanted to open for I don't know how many fucking years now.

You guys literally don't listen to a fucking word I say, do you?

Yes, we do, man.

The song's catchy. It's gonna be stuck in my head all day.

Give your cat a shake today!

- Ricky... - Come here, buddy!

- What? No, Ricky! - Ricky, come on.

- Jesus Murphy! - That's not what it means at all, man.

What do you mean?

No, see, though, this is great market research, Julian.

Modify catchphrase.

Bubs, it's fine. He's the only person

- that would take it that way. - Well, it's better safe than sorry.

I can't risk kitty safety.

I got too much into this. I can't underestimate

- how people's brains... - What?

How much do you have into this?

Oh, just… my life savings plus a little loan I took out.

- Fuck. - Christ, Bubs.

Boys, Fuzz Aldrin's is a home run, I'm telling you.

Bubs, man, launching a business isn't an easy thing to fucking do.

Why didn't you come to me for advice?

'Cause I know what your advice would be, and you can shove that advice

- right in the eye of your cock! - Come on, man.

Julian, this is my dream, and I believe in this thing.

I fucking slaved over the formula to get it just right,

- and my kitties love it. - Okay, all right.

I managed to get myself a meeting with the Petco chain,

- I applied to theDragons Tank TV show. - Okay, Bubs.

- I don't need your... - All right, okay, calm down.

- I can do this on my own! - Bubs, we don't...

We just don't want to see you lose all your money.

Yeah, we just don't want you to fuck up like you normally do.

- Oh, I normally fuck up my stuff, do I? - Ricky, what did you say that for?

You two normally fuck up my stuff.

That's what normally happens, if you wanna get technical!

- Bubs, that's not what he's trying to say. - Well, you know what?

You know what? Both of you, get the fuck out of my shed, right now.

Holy fuck. Sorry, I didn't mean to get you all

- fucking worked up. - Well, you fucking did!

Holy fuck, I'm sorry, Bubs.

- Though I didn't do anything. - Thanks for loaning us your truck.

- Appreciate it. - What?

Listen, you two stupidcocksuckers.

You're not taking my fucking truck again. I need my truck today.

Fuck, Bubs, it's just for a few hours, bud.

I told you, we need it to carry inventory.

Holy fuck, talk about not listening.

I listened to you, Ricky,

and I fucking answered you, as a matter of fact.

I told you, you can't have it!

Fuck, would you calm down? Look, you can take my car.

- I thought your damn car wouldn't start. - It won't.

But you just have to rebuild the starter or the alternator. No big deal...

I'm not rebuilding your goddamn fucking ignition system for you, Ricky!

- Jesus Christ. Stop the truck. - Suit yourself.

Look, Bubs, because it's your big day and everything,

I'll let you take theMonte Carlo, alright?

- I don't want theMonte Car... - Just take the fucking keys! C'mon!

And put 20 bucks in the tank, we'll call it even.

- Oh, put 20 bucks in the tank! - It burns a lot of gas, Bubs!

So, you're taking my truck

'cause you need it for your grease business,

but I have to put 20 dollars in your look-at-me-I'm-Knight-Rider

fucking musclemobile!

How are we supposed to pick up inventory without your truck? It's Monday.

Ricky, you put that fucking thing back in gear,

and I'm gonna fucking clobber you, I'm warning you!

- Have a good day, man. - Yeah, bud.

Unbelievable!

Every fucking time I try to do something legit,

I have to go up against Butch Ass-idy and the Muscle-Dance Kid!

Cocksucker!

God, see? Cocksucker knows just where to go, too.

You think you're smarter than me, huh? You're not! You're not smarter than me.

Ricky, what... Calm the fuck down!

It's an ice-cream cone. It's not trying to beat you.

It thinks it's fucking better than me!

- Don't you, you little piece of shit! - It's not thinking.

It's an ice-cream cone. It can't think.

It's fucking pissing me off.

- Stop talking to... - Always trying to outsmart me.

Ricky, it doesn't have a fucking brain, you idiot!

- What the fuck? Let go of the whee... - Fuck, stay in the lane.

Fuck!

Oh, yeah. Fucking great.

See? He made me blow a fucking tire.

- Who did? - The fucking asshole ice cream.

- You fucking piece of shit. - Ricky, would you get focused here?

- Asshole. - We've got the best business ever going,

and you're gonna get us killed trying to outsmart an ice-cream cone.

Look at him fucking looking at me.

- Looks like it can't fucking look at you. - You fucking guess what, bud?

Fuck you! You're out of here!

This new business is fucking awesome.

Getting into this, I didn't know shit about online retail.

But under this new business model I came up with,

- you can't run out of inventory. - Fuck!

- It's perfect. - You fucking tit-milk whore!

Would you try to settle down? I'm trying to talk here.

It's hard work, but if you can put in the time and pound the pavement,

you can make a shit-ton of fucking money selling this stuff.

This new business may be the best thing Julian's ever come up with.

It was actually my idea

and he just sort oftrinkled it down to what it is, but it's fucking amazing.

One of my life rules for success has always been that I don't work,

and this is definitely not work.

How could something be fucking work when it feels like Christmas every day?

All right, man, let's get working, buddy.

Yeah, let's fucking do this!

Can I help you?

Jesus, sorry, just need you to sign for that right here.

Thank you, young man.

No problem.

Fuck off, you robot-talking fuck.

What the... Fuck!

Jesus Christ, will you stop trying to bite and fuck me,

you big, knobless fuck!

Get the fuck off me!

Fucking little dick!

Ten dollars on pump four, please.

There you go. Ten back to you, sugar-stick.

Sugar-stick?

Thank you.

I'm a sugar-stick.

My nameis Bubbles And I'm a little sugar-stick.

- I...

Whoa, fuck! Hang on, you can't take that!

Sorry, kid. I'm just doing my job.

But I've got a big meeting!

All my presentation materials!

My materials…

are in there!

Son of a whore!

- Where are you going? - I wanna take a drive

by that place in Colby Village again.

We've hit that place four times in the last two weeks, and they got a dog.

- I don't wanna get fucked by another dog. - You won't. Every time we go there,

we get something awesome.

And I wanna get something nice for Bubs to chill him out.

But you know what they say

- when you try to rob wells too many times. - No, what?

Rob a well once, shame on you.

Rob a well twice, shame on the fucking well.

- Oh, my fuck, man. - Yeah. Shame on the fucking well.

Boom! Check it out.

- Oh, my God. - These guys just keep ordering shit.

Right on, it must be something nice.

It has a big, crazy f-word on the side!

It's not a big, crazy word.

- What does it say then? - It's "fragile."

- It's what? - "Fragile"!

- What does that mean? - Fuck, just get the fuck out of the car.

You can do this, Bubbles.

Dab that blood off there, and I should be fine.

All right, Bubbles, this is it.

One little minor setback, but you're here.

You made it, and you are gonna nail it because you are exceptional.

Do it for the kitties.

Hi there.

I know I'm a teensy little bit late, but I have an appointment to see...

He's gone, you missed it. Sorry.

What? No, he's gonna wanna hear about my Kitty Shakes.

You missed him, he's gone. Sorry.

But...

I'm a sugar-stick.

Fuck.

Dirty cocksuckers.

How'd the meeting go?

You're drinking, must have went well. Did it?

Didn't even happen, actually, boys.

You wanna take a slippery horse cock of a fucking guess why?

What happened? And…

where's my car?

Well, 'cause you sent me off in the fucking thing

with 100 unpaid parking tickets,

your car got impounded, Julian.

I had to walk two fucking miles, and I missed the guy

I was supposed to have the meeting with in the first place!

- Whoo-hoo, baby! - Bubbles, Bubs.

Where's the fucking Carlo?

It's at the fucking impound

with the rest of the criminal vehicles.

Oh, for fuck's sakes, are you kidding me? Why'd you let them take it?

Oh, let's play a game, actually, Julian.

Why don't you take a fiddler's fuck of a guess

what you can form a hydraulic seal around with your big, muscular lips.

- Take a fucking guess! - I'd guess cock, if I was you.

- He wants you to blow him, or... - Would you shut up?

Ding! That's right, Ricky. Tell him what he wins!

You win two beautiful nights with your lips around…

my cock, Julian!

- Real nice. - Calm down, it's all right.

Yeah, look, so the... We're sorry, Bubs.

We appreciate you loaning the truck, so look.

- We got you something as a thank-you. - Yeah, well, I don't fucking want it.

That's fine. Don't open it if you don't want to, but…

just so you know,

the last time we got a package from that place last week,

it was a fucking iPad.

Yeah, and the time before that,

we got a fucking RC helicopter, the one I gave to Mo.

Oh!

Well, you can take your fucking stolen iPad

and your RC helicopter,

and you can drill it right into your collective piss holes,

'cause I don't want a fucking thing to do with any of it.

Okay, then suit yourself, buddy.

But, you know, I'll leave it right here, just in case you change your mind.

I don't want anything to do with that stolen bullshit. Yup.

Not the least bit interested, I'm not.

Not one bit.

"Fragile."

Yeah, just another way to say "fucking built like shit."

Wouldn't probably hurt to take one little tiny peekinside, though.

That's not really opening anything. That's just looking.

Just looking.

Fuck! Fucking fucker!

Holy, sweet flying fuck! What happened?

The package was a fucking glitter bomb, that's what happened, Ricky.

A glitter bomb? Who the fuck would order a glitter bomb?

They didn't fucking order it, dumbass!

It was set as a trap, look at that!

See that?

This was a trap set by somebody who was pissed off at someone else

for repeatedly stealing their fucking packages.

Oh, figure that one out, boys.

Oh, my God.

Everything's ruined. Look at this.

I officially give up!

Oh, come on, buddy, it's not that bad.

Not that bad, Ricky?

It looks like Liberace

just jacked a big load all over fucking everything I own.

Hey, Bubbles, I have something for you.

Fuck off, Randy. Now is not a good time, bud.

Wow, Bubbles, I really like what you did with your shed.

It's real pretty!

How come you're dressed up like CP-103?

What the fuck do you want, Randy?

A letter came in forBubbles at the office. Special delivery.

Oh, my God, holy fuck.

You got accepted onDragons Tank, buddy!

What?

- Oh, well, that's just fucking great. - Fucking right it is. That's awesome!

I was being sarcastic, Ricky! Look at all my stuff!

Yeah?

"Hi there, my name'sBubbles,

and I'd like to sell you my paint-covered shit bomb,

which you can't even see the fucking logo on anymore,

'cause my two friends are arseholes and destroyed my entire business.

Now give me a million dollars, please!"

- That ain't gonna fucking happen. - Listen, we fucked this up on you,

- but we'll make this right. - Yeah.

We can do this. Trust me, man. I promise you, bud.

Welcome tothe Dragons Tank,

where four self-made entrepreneurs worth billions

invest in products they believe can make them money.

Okay.

How do I look, boys? Is the paint fading yet?

Yeah, I think it actually is.

- You really can't even notice it anymore. - You can't notice it? Are you fucked?

- Ricky... - It's shinier under these lights.

You're like one of those gold statutes that themovie dicks win.

Yeah, okay, you know what? I can't do this.

This is a fucking terrible idea. It's a shitty product.They'll hate it.

- I'm gonna have a meltdown. - Bubs, look, it's not a shitty product.

Yeah, man.

- Fuck, it's got a strong taste, huh? - Well, yeah, Julian, it's for cats!

Holy fuck, Bubs, it's incredible with rum, man!

Did you try it with liquor yet?

Why in the fuck would I try it with liquor?

My kitties don't drink liquor, they eat protein!

Bodybuilders've been trying to figure out

a good-tasting protein shake with a liquor base for a long time.

- Maybe we should... - No fucking way.

You're not hijacking my business and turning it into goddamn muscle rum!

"Muscle Rum"! Holy shit, man. That's perfect, Bubs!

- Think about it. - I don't have to think about it, I inv...

Okay, guys! Here we go. In three, two…

First into the tank

are three entrepreneurs who believe they may have

the newest crazefor the pet industry.

Hi, Dragon Tank folks.

My name isBubbles, and I'm here seeking an investment from...

Excuse me, can you put that cigarette out? There's no smoking.

First of all, it's not a cigarette there, bud.

It's a joint.And it's legal now, so who gives a fuck?

It's not legal to smoke anything in the building, so can you put it out?

Just put the fucking thing out!

Fucking rich, suit-wearing dick.

Sorry, what was that?

Fuck off. I mumbled something

you weren't supposed to hear, and you know it.

- Ricky! - What?

My name isBubbles,

and I'm the CEO of Kitty Shakes Incorporated.

I'm here seeking an investment from you guys.

Sorry, I have to ask. Why are you gold?

Uh, I had a little paint accident.

- Uh, I was... - You look like a bozo,

just so you're aware.

But please continue.

I'm here seeking 100 thousand...

More.

I'm here seeking…

One hundred fifty thousand dollars and...

Cocksucker! That's really fucking burning.

Oh, it's right in there.

I'm here…

trying to keep my cool, and I am seeking…

Oh, fuck'ssakes.

I'm seeking an investment…

Are you pissing your pants?

That's awkward, champ.

That's a first, I must say. He's pissing his pants! I'm out.

Honestly, Kevin, you are such a bully.

Listen, it's okay. Do you need to take a minute?

I'm sorry, ma'am, maybe… Maybe that would be good.

Yeah, I think we've seen enough here.

Oh, fuck off, dickhead. Like you've never pissed yourself before!

Okay, let's go, guys.

No pissing on the set,

and you can't tell the Dragons to fuck off.

Well, I'm gonna ask them to suck my cock,

lick my balls, and finger my fucking asshole!

And blow me!

Oh, my fuck, that was horrible!

I pissed myself on the TV, boys! I'm never gonna recover from that.

Yes, you will. I pissed myself on the TV lots of times.

Wow. Did you really just do that?

Why don't you go fuck yourself?

Next into the DragonTank,

an entrepreneur who claims he's made an improvement…

to the wheel.

This is how it's done, boys! Watch and learn.

Nah, you know what? Fuck this.

Bubs, go get yourself cleaned up. I got this.

Come on, Rick.

Wait, what are you doing?

I'm making a fucking deal, Bubs, that's what I'm doing.

Hello, Dragons!

My name is Carl Hammersmith, and I'm here...

Sorry, Carl. You're done. Get the fuck out of the way.

- I'm sorry? - You heard me, nipple tits. Fuck off.

- Whoa, guys. What are you doing? - What the fuck?

You guys can't just come back out here. Get out of here!

Just listen up, please, sir.

I apologize for what happened in here a minute ago,

but our friend gets a bit nervous.

But we didn't get a chance to finish our pitch.

So everyone's aware, Carl tried to grab my cock and balls backstage.

We apologize. Listen, what do you guys have for us this time?

Just let me do the talking.

Hi, my name isJulian, this is my associate Ricky,

and we're seeking $5 million for a 10 percent stake in our company,

- Muscle Rum. - What are you talking about?

Just shut up.

Now, I can tell you guys like to work out a lot,

and if you're like me, you like to have eight to ten drinks,

but don't want to interfere with your workout schedule.

Hand these out, please.

With 40 grams of protein per bottle,

you can get the protein you need without sacrificing your alcohol intake.

It's a win-win situation.

- It's actually pretty good. - Here's where I'm at.

First off, most people don't have six to ten drinks a day.

Oh, fuck, I do.

There's a shocker.

The thing is, you guys, most people who are trying to get in shape

don't drink at all.

I think this idea is completely bananas. I'm out.

There's not even any banana in it, you fucking dummy.

It's a "coke-na-nut."

- Would you stop your swearing? - What swearing?

Let me get this straight. You're asking for $5 million for 10 percent.

That means you're valuing the company at 50 million smackeroos.

Do you have any sales?

Uh, well, nothing yet, at the moment.

But it's gonna fly off the shelves. Just trust me on this one.

Where you gonna sell this crap?

Out of my trailer.

Out of my trailer?

I don't invest in anything with an expiration date.

I'm out.

Look, guys, you have an insane valuation. You got no sales, no proof.

Are you kidding me? Ten proof? That's not a drink, that's not alcohol.

And for those reasons, I'm out.

I guess you don't have a patent on it.

You can pat it if you want, but… it mixes better if you shake it.

Wow, you could be the stupidest person who's ever been on this show.

Know that? You're an idiot.

Oh, yeah? Why don't you lick my smoothly-shaven bag

from my taint to my tip, you bald, rich fuck!

This is quite possibly the worst pitch that's ever happened on the show.

You're gonna get crushed like the cockroaches you are.

What the fuck did you just call me?

A roach that crawls on someone's cock?

- What are you gonna do, hit me? - Yeah, actually, I am!

Boom! Fuck you!

Dicks!

- Fuck! - Jesus H. Christ,

what the fuck are you guys doing?

They fucking started it, Bubbles.

That's bullshit. Your friend here...

He's not my friend, actually.

He's one of two people

who are constantly fucking up everything I try to do!

All right, everybody just stop and calm down.

So, let me get this right. You're not involved in Muscle Rum?

- In what? Muscle Rum? - I was doing it for you. I swear to fuck.

You were doing it for me?

Look, man, I know Kitty Shakes is your dream, and I just thought

if I could make a deal with Muscle Rum,

we could use themoney to get it going for you.

Oh, yeah, right, do it for me.

Bubs, I'm serious. I was... The money was going towards you, man.

I'd never take fucking Kitty Shakes from you, I swear to fuck.

What exactly is Kitty Shakes?

I love the name.

Kitty Shakes is a delicious and nutritious protein beverage

that promotes a healthy coat and strong bones.

I love kitties more than anything elseon the planet,

and they really do love it.

That's true.

- So, you've tested it, right? - Yes, ma'am.

I've tested on the 126 free-range kitties that I look after,

and I haven't had one single complaint.

You've got 126 cats?

Uh, give or take a few in either direction because…

some of my kitties are nomadic.

That's really great that you take care of so many animals.

You really love cats that much?

I love cats more than anything else on the planet.

No matter what happens in your life,

kitties are always there for you.

They don't judge you or…

call you names, or…

make fun of your glasses. They're just…

there to dole out the love unconditionally,

and that's what I do for them.

And I think if everyone else thought like a kitty does…

the world would be a much better place.

That was touching.

You seem like such a very genuine person, Bubbles. I'd like to make you an offer.

- You would? - Here's the deal.

I'm gonna give you exactly what you have into the business,

but here's the catch:

I want 50 percent equity in the company.

Fifty percent? Well...

- Yeah, you know what? Fifty percent, I... - One more thing.

You have to promise me you're gonna cut ties with your partners

completely and immediately.

What? Cut ties?

Like…

don't talk to them anymore, cut ties?

I gotta be straight with you,

the business is never gonna succeed with guys like this around you,

or anywhere near you. Sorry, no offense, you guys.

I believe Kitty Shakes could make you a millionaire very quickly.

But that's only gonna happen

if you stay away from these two ding-dongs.

Or I'm just not interested.

Cut ties with my best friends to be a millionaire?

Those are your best friends?

Come on, this is a no-brainer. And so are they. Idiots.

You got an offer. What are you going to do?

Well...

this is a no-brainer.

So, I'd like to… politely decline your offer, ma'am.

Look, I know these two fuck up a lot, like…

a lot, but...

they're my family, and no amount of money in the world

would be worth losing them over.

Whoa, worst decision I've ever seen.

Actually, that's what friends do, right there.

You're lucky to have that guy, fellas. Well done!

- Love you, buddy. - Yeah, man, me too.

Love you guys, too.

We'll get Kitty Shakes going, don't you worry.

We don't need anybody's help.

I know, Julian.

Let's just go the fuck home, boys.

Fuck, I forgot. I was supposed to give each of you one of these.

Fuck you, fucking rich dickheads!

There you go, Cat Benatar.

Good as new.

♪ Hit me with your left paw♪

♪ Come on and hit me with your left paw♪

Bubs, come check it out!

Hey, boys. Look who got his car back.

Yeah, man, just got it all cleaned, too. Bubs, check this out.

What is it?

It's a glitter bomb.

Well, it's a super-duper, suck-my-cock fucking glitter bomb, actually.

What? Where did it come from?

I made it. It was really fucking easy.

It's got CO2, glitter,

nails, dog shit,

Jacob and Cory's piss, Jacob and Cory's pubes.

We'll get the cocksucker who glitter-bombed you.

It's gonna be awesome!

What the fuck are you talking about here?

Look, Bubs, we're sorry for the way shit went down today,

so we thought we'd get some chicken pizzas, booze, and dope,

and go to that dick's house for a good old-fashioned stakeout,

like they do in the fuckingmovies.

Boys, I don't want to get into a fucking back-and-forth war.

I mean, he was only pissed off in the first place

'cause it was you two robbing him pretty much on a daily basis.

Okay, man, that's cool.

You don't have to come if you don't want to.

But nobody fucks with our best friend, man.

It's fine, Julian!

- No, it's not. - No, it's definitely fucking not.

This fucker's gonna be sorry he fucked with you.

But when you think about it, he actually didn't fuck with me.

All he was trying to do... Oh, yeah. Okay.

We won't be long, buddy. We'll bring you back some chicken pizza!

- Jesus Christ!

There's a nail in my bag!

And Cory and Jacob's pubes are in my mouth! Fuck!

Oh fuck.

Jesus Christ!

Fuck off.