Original subtitles

Order! You will not use that language in this court.

What's wrong with you, son?

I'll tell you what's wrong with me. The fucking government.

If they hadn't fucked up and ran out of weed,

I wouldn't have had to grow my own to help people out.

If the fucking government ran out of bread, what?

I wouldn't be allowed to bake my own fucking bread?

I'd just have to starve to death? This is fucked. You're fucked.

- Ricky! - Chill out.

Order! You will watch the way you address this court.

Your Honor, this is ridiculous.

This man is not capable of representing himself.

Is that right? Well, the only thing you are capable of

is shaving my bag hair off using your fucking big horse teeth.

Ricky! Jesus Murphy!

Your Honor, this man is making a mockery of this court.

Why don't you mock my cock, suity!

Anytime you wanna fuckin' go, let's fuckin' go! Cape Breton style!

Order! Order in the goddamn court.

I'm sorry, Your Majesty. I'm just pissed off.

The government promised weed, and ran out of the good stuff

in three weeks. That's fucking bullshit.

I understand, but that does not allow you to sell marijuana

- in front of the liquor store. - What? Never fucking happened.

Oh, you think that's me?

I don't even wear glasses. And even if it was,

it would've been me handing out drugs at the liquor store for free,

not fucking selling them.

Fifteen bucks a gram. It's the best weed you'll ever smoke.

Or buy from them, but all they have left is shit dope.

Okay, I was selling a tiny bit of dope, but it was pretty much at my cost.

And I just needed milk and some cereal for my gramson's breakfast.

Son, when was the last time you had a real job, a legitimate job?

I guess in jail. I worked in the kitchen in jail and the wood shop.

- I made hammers in the metal shop... - I'm talking about a real job.

I mean, there are no jobs on your record.

According to this, you've never even paid taxes.

I know. Awesome, huh?

Mom, is the judge calling Grampy a bum?

Quiet, Mo-Mo.

Well, that's because my brain works

at too smart a level for most jobs, little buddy.

And nobody hires people with "records," Your Judgeliness.

It's not fucking easy. Not that you'd fucking know.

Now, you listen to me and listen good, goddammit.

I'm gonna let you off with a warning, but I'm telling you right now:

No more selling drugs.

And get a job! Do you understand me?

Sorry, what was that? I couldn't hear you.

Maybe the ceiling fans or the dust bugs buzzling around?

- Are you fucking kidding me? - Fuck off.

What was that?

I said, "Right on." See? It's hard to hear in here.

- Apparently, you're not understanding me. - Apparently,

- you're fucked in the head... - Ricky, watch your mouth!

Jesus! Look, I'm sorry, Your Honor. He understands. I'll make sure of it.

Get out of my court, and if I see you in front of me again,

I'll make an example out of you.

Are we clear?

Ricky, just be nice.

Crystally, Your Worshipness.

Why do you have to talk to judges like that?

- Don't like them. - Well, just get me the fuck home.

I gotta feed my kitties.

You fucking son of a ditch bitch! Fucking whore!

This fucking car battery's been acting like an asshole lately.

Haven't you? Huh? Oh, fuck. You think you're better than me?

Go fuck yourself.

Rick, for fuck'ssakes, man, you're talking to a car battery right now.

- So? - Settle down.

- Dad, calm down. - What's a "ditch bitch whore"?

You'll find out soon enough about that, little buddy.

I don't have time for this.

My kitties could be staging a shit mutiny at home right now.

A shit mutiny?

If you don't feed kitties,

they will shit on your pillow out of spite.

Well, I guess we're walking, then. Unless one of you guys has some cash.

- Yeah, that's what I thought. - Well, I don't walk. You guys know that.

- Well, just hang on, I got an Uber coming. - You better go find a fucking bathroom.

You're not fuckingUbering in my car there, bud.

Do you know what an Uber is?

It's a shit, isn't it?

Let me get this straight.

You're justa regular guy with a regular car,

and you're making extra money giving people drives?

That's basically it.

Is it legit?

- Of course. - Well, how much money do you make?

I'm making a few hundred a week.

Holy fuck, that's crazy. Maybe I could do this.

I mean, that would be a real job, and I fucking like driving.

Whoa, what the fuck are you doing? You can't smoke in here.

Why the fuck not? I thought you said it was your car.

It's my car, but company rules, no smoking.

And there's a kid in here, for fuck sakes.

Smoking is cool.

Are you fucking serious right now, bud? What is this, a fucking nerd taxi?

Well, there goes that idea, boys. Fuck being an Uber nerd.

Thanks for the great fucking ride.

Here, let me just get some money out to pay you for that.

Got change for this? Bam, fuck you!

Everybody run! Move!

Sorry about that, sir. Thank you very much.

Five stars coming your way.

Why would you pay that idiot?

No money changes hands with Uber, Ricky.

It's all done by credit card, automatically through the phone app.

You just pull up, get out, transaction complete.

And people are using this thing?

Using it? Julian, it's a 70-billion-dollar company.

Seventy billion? With a b?

That's how you fucking spell billion, bud.

So, while you're mentally jacking off to that number,

I'm gonna go feed my kitties.

Fuck, 70 billion, huh?

Fuck, that's a lot of money. Think about that.

You can move the whole trailer park to a warm, topical island in Bahnama.

Oh, you're so cute.

Mr. Lahey! You have to stop showing up and scaring me like this.

I have never seen you more vulnerable, my friend.

What the frig are you talking about?

Listen to yourself. You're wasted again.

How much liquor have you had to drink today?

I drank a whole fucking bottle of this sweet shit.

Things have been going really well here in Sunnyvale lately.

It's been peaceful.

I've been getting along with the guys really well.

The problem is Mr. Lahey seems to show up whenever the frig he wants to.

I don't even need to get completely wasted anymore.

He just frigging pops out of the bottle whenever he wants.

The other day, I was having a really good bowel movement,

and he frigged it right up.

Frig, you made me drop my cucumbers in the tub.

Something's not right here, Randers.

Smell of shit is in the air.

I got a handle on things here.

Everything is great. Everyone is getting along.

Bigger things at play here, bud.

Believe me.

What's going on, boys? Duber? What the fuck is that?

Time to start making some money, buddy. Lots of it.

Duber?

Yeah, it's like Uber, but you can smoke dope in the car.

- It's fucking brilliant. - Uber is fucking lame.

Duber's a way better idea.

You said they're worth 70 billion.

I mean, if we could even steal one one-thousandth

of that fucking business, do you know how much money that is?

Yes, I do. It's 70 million. I can do math. But you're out of your fucking mind.

I mean, do you realize how much money it took them just to develop the software

be able to track the cars, take payments? You can't...

Yeah, that's where you come in, my little Bubbly Wubbly.

What? No, I'm not getting involved in fucking Duber!

You two are gonna wind up in fucking jail. That's how this is gonna end, you watch.

- No, we're not. - Come on, man. Don't be like that.

We got it figured out. We supply the dope. Pre-rolled joints.

We don't sell the dope. It's included in the price,

so it's totally legal.

And it keeps stoned drivers off the roads,

and you gotta admit that is a good thing, Bubs.

Come on, man, we need you.

I mean, I need my gramson to stop thinking I'm a fucking bum.

Mo called you a bum?

Yeah, a few times.

Come on, buddy. Let's show Mo what the fuck we're capable of here.

Jesus Christ.

If I agree to do this with you two fucking lunatics,

I'm in charge or no deal.

This is gonna be a legit business, by the book.

- Of course, man. Sure. - Yeah, man.

- Absolutely. - Not a problem, man.

Not convincing!

Ricky, butt out that joint right the fuck now.

You're joking, right? Why?

Because I'm in charge,

and I just wanted to see if you're gonna listen to me.

We rigged up the Shitmobile with GPS.

Put in an airtight seal so the driver doesn't get high.

Put in a bathroom exhaust fan to keep the air nice and fresh.

Fucking blammo! Our first Duber car.

Press and enter and… done.

All the social media is set up, and software testing is complete.

Electronic payment system's ready.

It's all working, Julian. We're a go, buddy.

No fucking way, Bubs. You know what? You are the fucking man, buddy.

Oh, I know I'm the fucking man.

I mean, I honestly don't think there's a snowball's chance

in fucking hell this business is gonna work,

but I did my best. Here we go.

How's it going, you Tasmanian tuna cocks?

We are officially up and running, man.

- Fuck yeah, boys! - Yeah!

I've been working too. Came up with the perfect jingle.

- Check this shit out. - Wait, let me record it.

♪ Duber, Duber, doo Where are you?♪

♪ I've got some dope to smoke now♪

♪ Duber, Duber, doo I love you♪

♪ Come and pick me the fuck up♪

Perfect, Ricky. Pretty good. I mean, we're gonna get sued for sure,

but I'll add that to the social media sites right now.

Get sued by who? A fucking dog?

No way, boys, look at this! Our first call.

- Nice! - Right on!

Okay, Ricky, areyou seeing the request on your screen?

I think so. I'm picking somebody up at the main doors? Gerald?

Yes, Gerald. Okay, it's working.

All right, I think I see the cocksucker right there.

Ricky, this is a customer service-based operation

with a rating system. You can't be calling customers cocksuckers.

All right, got it. X-ray on the cocksucker-ay.

You Gerald?

- Duber? - Yeah, that's me. Get the fuck in, bud.

Ricky!

What? I didn't call him a cocksucker.

Man, this is so fucking cool. Way better than Uber. Good idea.

Whoa, what the fuck are you doing there, marshmallow tits?

What? I thought the point of Duber was you could smoke dope.

Yeah, my dope.

It's not fucking BYOD there,

Dumb-dy Dumb-ty.

Oh, my God, this is really shitty.

Do you think I want my car smelling like shitty fucking arcade dope?

Here. This is free with your ride.

How's that taste?

Pretty smooth. Not sure if I got anything off that or not.

Yeah you did, trust me.

When that kicks in, you're gonna be fucked for four or five hours.

Seriously?

Bud, I'm telling you, take small tokes.

You're gonna be fucked.

Oh, my fuck.

What the fuck is happening?

My chest is beating out of my chest.

My heart is beating... my fucking... My heart is beating like a...

Fuck... Clock, man!

Fucking, what the... Is this crack?

No, man, it's just good weed. My fucking weed.

Isn't it cool? Fuck, I love being that high.

I'm so jealous.

Going to the muffler shop? That's what it says.

I can't even remember why I was going there, man. I don't know.

The muffler shop? What the fuck, man?

I think I might be fucking dying. Take me to the hospital!

Wait times are at an all-time high.

Last week, a lady claims she waited over seven hours

before she was seen by a doctor.

I'm Steve "I'll Get to the Bottom of It" Rogers.

Holy Christ, this is boring.

I mean, is this the best we could come up with?

I'm Steve Rogers, for fuck'ssakes.

Hurry up, you fucking pussy.

Please, help me!

So high. I think I'm gonna die, man.

Roll camera.

Steve Rogers here, live at the hospital.

Sir, can you tell me your name?

My name? No.

What's going on? Are you on drugs?

I just used this car service.

The driver gave me a joint, I smoked it, and I am fucked!

I need help!

Sir...

Oh, it's Ricky from the Sunnyvale Trailer Park.

Ricky, I'd like to ask you a few questions about Duber.

Well, it's pretty simple really. It's like Uber, but you can smoke weed in the car.

Weed's included for free, and that way, it's all legal.

Interesting.

Oh, that's nice stuff.

Potent, too.

Well, folks, I have to say, Steve Rogers is down with Duber.

I'm Steve Rogers.

Holy shit, Grampy's on TV. Cool!

Holy mother of Mary's silver-dollar nipples.

We got calls coming in all over the fucking place here, boys.

Ricky, call at the grocery store, then head back to the mall, ASAP.

I can't now, man. I got Steve Rogers in the back seat doing a story.

It's awesome, man. He is fucking stoned.

I'm telling you, folks, Duber's a hit in this award-winning journalist's eyes.

I don't even know...

I don't even know where I am right now.

I don't even care. Duber's one ride you should do…ber.

I'm Steve "Not Making Any Sense" Rogers.

Right on, Ricky. Free marketing, buddy.

Yeah, all my idea, too.

Goddammit, this is getting out of control. We're not ready for this.

We don't have the infrastructure yet, Ricky.

You just fucked us right in the piss hole.

Bubs, would you relax? This is fucking amazing.

Ricky, brilliant thinking, buddy.

Now, tell Steve Rogers just to let people know

that we need more drivers ASAP.

Tell them to come to Sunnyvale Trailer Park.

I'm supposed to be in charge here, Julian, and I say we can't hire anyone yet.

- We're not fucking ready! - No, Bubs.

Listen, you're totally in charge, but I'm the manager here,

so let me manage, okay?

While you run this fucking thing.

Fuck, man.

That doesn't even make sense. You're trying to double-talk me.

Somebody, show me how this goddamn thing works!

It's about to drop my fucking uterus right into my underwear.

T, can you shut that thing down for her, please?

Okay, thank you. All right, listen up, everyone.

Once you have a fucking sign on your car, grab a walkie,

get your pre-rolled joints, and then spread out around the city.

Julian, what in the fuck do you think you're doing?

These cars need to be sealed and equipped the same way as Ricky's.

These drivers are gonna be high as fucking kites.

But we need to make money first so we can fucking do all that shit.

Okay, ten joints each.

That's 50 dollars you owe us, plus the 25 percent of each fare.

All right, people, let's get out there. Move. Let's go.

This is fucking bullshit. We're getting in over our heads here as usual.

It's all good, buddy.We'll reinvest everything we make back into the cars

and make it right. See, this is success.

What the frig is up with all these cars logjammed up here?

M-m. Not on my frigging watch.

What's this, boys?

Selling pre-rolled joints, are ya?

I don't think that's legal.

Maybe Mr. Lahey was right.

See? Told you, Randy.

Mr. Lahey!

You scared me again.

- Randy, you gotta get the cops. - I don't know, sir.

I don't want to rock the shit boat. I've been getting along with the guys.

They're breaking the law.

What the frig is "Duber"?

Julian, we're completely fucked. I told you this was gonna happen.

We don't have enough cars to keep up with demand.

This whole system, it could crash at any minute.

No, it can't. Calm down, you can handle this.

This is a positive thing, not a negative thing.

Think of the money we're fucking making right now.

Julian, there's a guy with a horse and a buggy that wants to drive.

- Is that cool? - Definitely, the more the merrier.

Sarah, ask him if he's got any friends with any cows, or horses, or anything else

that can pull fucking customers around in a cart.

What in the fuck are you talking about?

How do you suppose I hook a GPS up to a fucking horse?

- What? Do I strap it to his wiener? - Just get it done, Bubs.

Ricky, thank fuck!

Ricky, what the fuck happened to your face?

Boys, things are fucked.

They're fighting to get a ride in my car.

I got fucking punched, I took a purse to the head

from some old crinkly, craggly bitch.

I think she broke my fucking face bone.

That sucks, bud, but I'm sure it's just an isolated incident.

We need some more fucking joints, Ricky.

We're out of joints already?

Yes, man, we're fucking kicking ass here, bud.

Yo, Bubbs, it's T.

Yo, we got a major situation down here at the Pizza Corner, man.

Fuck, man, I'm scared, man. We need fucking help down here.

It's fucked, man.

Bubbs!

Man, please, you got to send more cars down here. I need help.

- We wanna get high! - These motherfuckers are crazy!

Fuck, man! I think a motherfucker just broke my nose.

You got to send more help. Where are the guys at?

All right, I need anyone that's free to head to the Pizza Corner right now.

Fuck that! People are losing their freaking minds.

Some guy just pulled a fucking gun on me. I quit!

Calm down, Marguerite. It's because we're new.

This will all settle down.

Breaker. Jacob and I can head to Pizza Corner, dude, over.

Awesome, boys, that's the spirit.

Yeah, that's a great idea, Julian,

not like Cory and Jacob are fucked in the head or anything.

We got no choice, man. T needs backup.

Twisted up some more joints for you, Grampy.

Awesome, buddy. Nice rolling. Keep them coming

This business is kicking ass. Someday this will all be yours, Mo-Mo.

A good old-fashioned family business.

Cool! This is fun.

Breaker, Cory to Bubbles.It's me, dude. I'm out on the scene,

I figured out the Pizza Corner shit. I solved it all, dude. Over and out.

Yeah, the shit's all good now, man. We got it covered from here.

Oh, shit, it's the five-0. Fuck!

Just outrun them and drop the customers off!

Can't outrun nobody in this bus.

What the fuck? How are we gonna get out of here?

Breaker, dude. We are boxed in. There's cops all around us.

They're causing people to fall off my car. People are dying.

I think I can take the cops out somehow.

I could drive them off a cliff or something.

Breaker, just let me know, out.

Yeah, man, we're fucked!

Goddammit, what does this mean for us, Julian?

Nothing, man, we're fine.

Those guys are the ones that fucked up, not us. Let them deal with it.

Hey, guys, how are ya?

Freeze, shitheads! Don't move!

- Hands where we can see them! - Put them on the ground, now!

- I said, on the ground! - Get on the fucking ground.

Fuck off! We did nothing wrong.

This is bullshit.

You fucking asshole! This is a fucking illegal arrest!

- Fuck you! - Great God, this is just fucking great.

Why did I ever let you guys talk me into this?

I'm never gonna forget this! This is a core memory.

Oh my God.

Nice job, Grampy. Another great childhood memory.

Sarah, please, fuck off!

I'm gonna call the president of Nova Scotia.

This is fucking police brutality.

Good job, Randy. We got them this time.

Oh, Randy, you piece of shit! You're gonna fucking pay for this,

you shit-covered whale load.

Guess you should have just stayed clean, Rick.

Or kept your shenanigans out of Sunnyvale.

Dick!

Ted, I need to talk to you.

I don't want to hear your bullshit, Julian.

You're going down.

Fine, but Bubbles had nothing to do with this. It was just Ricky and I.

And I'll testify on Bubbles's behalf if I have to.

I'm telling you, man, don't waste your time.

Just let him go, please.

I'd like to move that all the charges be thrown out

because of how fucking dumb and ugly this guy is.

Objection! This man is certifiable.

Your Honor, if I may,

I'd like to request permission to approach the bench.

Your Worship, if I may, I'd like to request permission

for his lips to approach my cock.

- Order! - Fuck, Rick.

- Chill out, man. - Now, I told you

if ever you were back here again for selling marijuana,

we would have a problem.

Now, obviously, you didn't get my message.

Sorry, Your Ignorance, but we weren't selling it.

It was a car service. The weed was free. It was fucking included.

- How are they doing? - Not great.

You made a big mistake this time, son.

I'm gonna make such an example out of you, you have no idea.

But I did what you told me to do.

I tried to go legit for you. And for my daughter and my gramson.

It's not fucking fair.

I did it for the love of my family, and now you're going to fuck me?

So you know, you're not just fucking me,

you're fucking my daughter and my gramson right in the ass.

For love of everything that's holy!

Jesus H. Christ, choose your words more carefully.

Words mean things.

Give me a break, Your Highness, please. For my family.

It's really not my fault. I mean, I thought this was legal.

The new dope laws are fucking confusing. I mean, it's legal,

but yet it's not really legal. It's fucked!

And I'm not that smart to begun with, so you know.

Well, okay, look, after hearing your testimony,

I'm gonna reconsider my decision in this case.

Now, I sentence the drivers to community service.

Community service? That ain't shit.

Now, as for you, Ricky and Julian, I was gonna sentence you to 18 months.

But after hearing your moving testimony,

I'm going to reduce that to 12 months.

Remove them from my courtroom.

Ricky, call me to the stand. I think I can get you guys off.

Hold on a second there, Your Loveliness.

The defense would like to call its first witness, Bubbles.

This just keeps getting more ridiculous by the minute.

All right. Bubbles, approach the bench

and bring those two reprobates with you, please.

Yes, Your Honor. Look, I thought the court might be interested in seeing

some of our customer credit card receipts.

Have a look at the names there, Judgy.

A couple of police officers involved, Judge Dixon's on there,

Mayor Savage, and…

might I add, your bailiff right there.

We picked him up at Pizza Corner, and he was wasted with his penis out.

In light of this new evidence…

Oh, for Christ's sake.

All charges are dismissed.

Fuck, yeah!

- Clear this court. - That's the shit!

Stop the fucking car.

For what?

This is what happens to rats, Randy.

Hope these burgers are juicy enough for you now, bud.

Shit gods are smiling.

Smell of victory is in the air.

Thanks, sir. I'm glad I listened to you. I must say, it did feel good.

All I'm looking for is a little justice.

Me too.

Cooked to perfection.

Well, maybe a little bit salty.

Good, though.

Oh fuck.

Jesus Christ!

Fuck off.