Original subtitles

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[♪♪♪]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Jeselnik: THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU, VERY MUCH.

THANK YOU.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Jeselnik: THANK YOU AND

WELCOME TO THE JESELNIK

OFFENSIVE I'M ANTHONY JESELNIK.

HOW KIDS DOING TONIGHT?

FANTASTIC.

WE'VE GOT ANOTHER PERFECT SHOW

FOUR TONIGHT.

MY FRIENDS PAT AND OSWALT AND

NICK KROLL ARE HERE.

THEY'RE BOTH FAMOUS FOR THEIR

VOICE WORK AND ONCE YOU SEE THEM

LATER ON YOU'LL UNDERSTAND

EXACTLY WHY.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Jeselnik: NOW THIS IS CRAZY.

A WOMAN IN AUSTRALIA ATTACKED

HER BOYFRIEND AND ASSAULTED HIS

MOTHER AND SMASHED HIS

TELEVISION AFTER SHE CAUGHT HIM

MASTURBATING IN THE SHOWER.

WHICH COULD SOUND LIKE AN

OVERREACTION BUT IT WAS A BABY

SHOWER.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Jeselnik: WE'VE ALL DONE

THAT.

TASTE THE RAINBOW FOR THE FIRST

TIME EVER, GAY SOLDIERS AND

THEIR PARTNERS WILL BE BURIED

TOGETHER IN ARLINGTON NATIONAL

CEMETERY.

BEFORE YOU GET TOO EXCITED YOU

SHOULD KNOW IT'S WHILE THEIR

STILL ALIVE.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Jeselnik: LAST WEEK, COUNTRY

SINGER MINDY McCREEDY SHOT HER

DOG AND THEN HERSELF IN WHAT

POLICE ARE CALLING A HORRIBLE

TRAGEDY FOLLOWED BY A SUICIDE.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Jeselnik: HERE'S A FUN FACT.

ACCORDING TO A NEW STUDY THE

LEADING CAUSE OF DEATH FOR

CHILDREN IN AMERICA IS

ACCIDENTS.

COMING IN A CLOSE SECOND,

EXCELLENTS.

-- ACCIDENTS.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Jeselnik: CLEAN UP ON AISLE 4

POLICE ARE LOOK FOR A MALE MAN

WHO'S BEEN THROWING SEMEN TO

FEMALE SHOPPERS AT WAL-MART.

ON THE BRIGHT SIDE THEY CAN NOW

BE 1/16th.

THEY CAN GET INTO COLLEGE AND

NOW NEWTOWN SHOOTER, ADAM LANZA

MAY HAVE BEEN TRYING OUTDO THE

DEATH TOLL OF BREVIK.

IT WAS 77-67.

TALK ABOUT A MASSACRE.

LET'S GET INTO THIS ONE.

X-PORN STAR SCARLETT ROUGE HAS

BEEN ACCUSED OF MURDERING HER

BOYFRIEND.

DETECTIVES DON'T HAVE MUCH TO GO

ON BUT BELIEVE THE NAME OF THE

FIRST PET WAS SCARLETT AND SHE

GREW UP ON ROUGE ROAD.

EVERYBODY BOW DOWN TO THE ROW IN

GEORGIA A DEATH MATE WITH AN

I.Q. OF 70 WAS GRANTED A STAY

AFTER THE JUDGE THOUGHT IT WOULD

BE IRRESPONSIBLE TO EXECUTE THE

SMARTEST PERSON IN GEORGIA AND

FINALLY ALBINO RHINO BEER HAS

HAS A COMPLAINT FILED AGAINST

IT.

THAT WAS A GREAT MONOLOGUE.

LET'S SEE WHAT THE CRITICS ARE

SAYING.

KIDS, I WANT TO TALK ABOUT BLACK

HISTORY MONTH.

YOU'RE ASKING ME, ANTHONY, WHAT

CAN YOU POSSIBLY TELL US ABOUT

BLACK PEOPLE.

NOTHING.

I'M GOING TO LET YOU KIDS TELL

ME WITH OUR VERY FIRST JESELNIK

OFFENSIVE BLACK NAME SPELLING

BEE.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Jeselnik: LET'S SEE WHAT OUR

CONTESTANTS WILL BE PLAYING FOR

TONIGHT.

[ CROWD OOHS ]

>> Jeselnik: BEFORE WE PICKED

PEOPLE FROM THE AUDIENCE AND

LET'S HAVE OUR FIRST CONTESTANT

COME ON UP HERE.

HOW YOU DOING?

>> GOOD, HOW ARE YOU?

>> Jeselnik: WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

>> CASSIE.

>> Jeselnik: WHAT DO YOU DO.

>> I'M A SCREEN WRITING STUDENT.

>> Jeselnik: OH, MY GOD.

WHAT KIND OF WAITRESS DO YOU

WANT TO BE?

>> MAYBE DENNY'S.

>> Jeselnik: MAYBE DENNY'S?

>> I AIM LOW TO BE HIGH.

>> Jeselnik: YEAH, WELL YOU'RE

TRYING TO BE A SCREEN WRITER SO

YOU KNOW ALL ABOUT AIMING LOW.

>> YES, I DO.

>> Jeselnik: READY, CASSIE.

HERE'S THE NAME OF AN ACTUAL

BLACK PERSON AND YOU SPELL IT

FIRST.

IT SHOULD BE EASY UNLESS YOUR

RACIST.

OKAY.

CASSIE, YOUR NAME IS QUVENZHANE.

AS IN THE STAR OF "BEASTS OF THE

SOUTHERN WILD."

HAVE YOU SEEN IT?

>> NO.

>> Jeselnik: ME EITHER.

GO AHEAD.

>> Q-U-V-A-N-Z-A.

>> Jeselnik: OH, SORRY, CASSIE,

I WAS LOOKING FOR QUVENZHANE

WITH THE EGU AT THE END.

VOYEUR

SORRY, CASSIE.

YOU'RE A RACIST PILE OF GARBAGE.

THANK YOU FOR PLAYING.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Jeselnik: GOOD, MAN.

WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

>> MORGAN.

>> Jeselnik: GREAT SPORT FOR

BEING UP HERE.

WHAT DO YOU DO?

>> HOST AT A RESTAURANT?

>> Jeselnik: WHAT RESTAURANT?

>> SADDLE RANCH ON SUN SET.

>> Jeselnik: OH, MY GOD HAVE YOU

EVER HAD TO THROW YOURSELF OUT

OF SADDLE RANCH?

>> NO.

>> Jeselnik: OKAY.

MORGAN I THINK YOU'LL DO WELL

WITH THIS.

YOUR NAME IS DANTE.

THE NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS SELECT

DANTE HIGHTOWER.

ALL RIGHT, HOW DO YOU SPELL

DANTE?

>> D-O-N-T-A.

>> Jeselnik: OH, MY GOD.

D-O-N-T-A

D-O-N-T-A.

WOW, NO ONE SAW THAT COMING ARE

YOU A FOOTBALL FAN?

>> YEAH.

>> Jeselnik: OKAY THAT'S WHAT

HAPPENED.

IT'S NOT A BLACK THING.

IT'S A FOOTBALL THING.

ALL RIGHT, HERE YOU GO.

BRING IT BACK OUT AT THE END FOR

EXTRA CREDIT.

GIVE IT UP FOR DONTA.

HOW YOU DOING?

WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

>> MIKA.

>> Jeselnik: WHAT DO YOU DO FOR

A LIVING?

>> STUDYING TO BECOME A RABBI.

>> Jeselnik: YOU KNOW HOW TO

SPELL ALL KINDS OF WHACKY

THINGS.

>> YEAH, CRAZY THINGS.

>> Jeselnik: ALL RIGHT, MIKA,

YOU'RE GOING SPELL THE NAME

YUSENA.

AS IN AUTHORITIES IDENTIFIED THE

SUSPECT AS YUSENA.

>> Y-E-S-H-A.

>> Jeselnik: Y-E-S-S-E-H-N-A.

IT'S HENCE HENNESSEY BACKWARDS.

THANK YOU, THAT WAS GREAT.

LET'S BRING MORGAN BACK OUT

HERE.

MORGAN IS OUR WINNER.

HAPPY FEBRUARY.

I HOPE ALL OUR CONTESTANTS

LEARNED SOMETHING ABOUT SPELLING

AND THEMSELVES.

BACK WITH PAT OS OSWALT AND NICK

KROLL AND MAYBE MINDY.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Jeselnik: WELCOME BACK TO THE

JESS

JESELNIK OFFENSIVE.

HERE'S A VIDEO WE CALL 9-11

BABIES.

>> HERE COMES THE AIRPLANE.

HERE COMES THE AIRPLANE.

HERE COMES THE AIRPLANE.

WHOOSH.

I'LL FEED YOU IN ABOUT 20

MINUTES.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Jeselnik: WHO SAYS I CAN'T

TAKE DIRECTION.

NOW WHEN LIFE GIVES YOU PANEL,

MAKE PANELADE.

POLICE WELCOME CHARLIZE THERON

AND STARS ON JUSTIFIED THE GREAT

PAT AND OSWALT.

YOU KNOW HIM FROM THE LEAGUE ON

FX AND NOW HIS VERY OWN SHOW ON

COMEDY CENTRAL, KROLL SHOW, NICK

KROLL.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

NOW DO I THIS RIGHT, YOU WERE

NAMED AFTER THE GUY WHO DID THE

VOICE OF RATOUILLE?

>> I GET THAT ALL THE TIME.

PAT AND OSWALT IS MY STAGE NAME

SO IT'S NOT MY ACTUAL REAL NAME.

>> Jeselnik: WHAT'S YOUR REAL

NAME?

>> NICHOLAS KROLL.

>> Jeselnik: NICK, NOT A LOT OF

PEOPLE KNOW THIS BUT YOU'RE LIKE

A STRAIGHT-EDGE GUY, NO BOOZE,

NO DRUGS.

>> BASICALLY.

I SMOKE A LITTLE BIT OF POT

CONSTANTLY.

>> Jeselnik: I STILL CALL THAT

STRAIGHT EDGE.

OKAY.

LET'S GET RIGHT INTO IT WITH THE

BEST-WORSE THING OF THE WEEK.

OF ALL THE AWFUL NEWS STORIES

THIS ONE'S MY FAVORITE.

ON YOUR MARK, GET SET, KILL YOUR

GIRLFRIEND.

SOUTH AFRICAN SPRINTER AND

DOUBLE AMPUTEE OSCAR PISTORIUS

HAS BEEN CHARGED WITH

PREMEDICATED MURDER AFTER

ALLEGEDLY SHOOTING AND CRICKET

BATTING HIS GIRLFRIEND TO DEATH.

>> IS THAT THE SOUTH AFRICAN

NATIONAL ANTHEM?

>> IT COULD BE.

>> I THINK THAT'S THE INTERSTICI

INTERSTICIAL STUFF ON LAW AND

ORDER.

>> Jeselnik: LOOK HOW HOT THIS

GIRL USED TO BE.

>> I THINK HE WAS TRYING TO SAY

HE COULD MURDER HIS GIRLFRIEND

LIKE JUST ANY ABLE-BODIED

ATHLETE.

>> AND ALSO THE FACT THE CRICKET

BAT -- WHICH, I DON'T KNOW, DID

YOU READ THE POLICE REPORT ABOUT

IT?

>> Jeselnik: COURSE.

>> THE INVESTORS ARE DESCRIBING

THE USE OF THE CRICKET BAT TO

KILL THE GIRLFRIEND AS THE MOST

INTERESTING THING EVER DONE WITH

A CRICKET BAD.

>> THAT'S TRUE.

>> Jeselnik: IN HIS DEFENSE, HE

HEARD A GUNSHOT AND HE'S A

SPRINTER.

HE THOUGHT A RACE WAS BEGINNING.

JUST HAPPENS THIS RACE WAS YOU

KNOW ABOUT WHO COULD KILL THEIR

GIRLFRIEND FASTER.

>> I THINK IT'S INTERESTING HE

SHOT HER THROUGH A BATHROOM DOOR

WHICH SOUNDS CRAZY BUT IN HIS

DEFENSE WOMEN DO TAKE FOREVER IN

THE BATHROOM.

WHO HASN'T THOUGHT ABOUT THAT.

>> Jeselnik: I'M SURPRISED HE

ENDED THE RELATIONSHIP BECAUSE

SHE CLEARLY SEEMED LIKE SHE WORE

THE PANTS.

WHAT DO YOU GUYS THINK THEY WERE

ARGUING ABOUT AT THE TIME?

>> WELL, LOOK, I'M NOT GOING TO

JUDGE A GUY UNTIL I'VE WALKED A

MILE IN HIS SHOES BUT --

[LAUGHTER]

>> MAYBE LIKE OH, YOU'RE LEGS

TEAR UP OUR SHEETS WHEN WE DO IT

DOGGY STYLE.

JUST THE NORMAL STUFF.

>> I THINK RELATIONSHIPS HAVE

UPS AND DOWNS AND IN HIS DEFENSE

HE NEVER LIKED SHE WAS PROTENT

TO BE A ROBBER AND HIDE IN THE

BATHROOM SCREAMING DON'T SHOOT

ME.

>> I BET THEY WERE ARGUING

ABOUT, I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE HIS

EXPLOSIVE TEMPER.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Jeselnik: MAYBE THAT HAD

SOMETHING TO DO WITH IT.

>> THAT'S A GOOD THING TO PICK A

FIGHT OVER.

>> I DON'T KNOW IF WE SHOULD

KEEP TALKING ABOUT THIS.

I'M NOT SURE IF THIS STORY HAS

LEGS.

>> Jeselnik: BUT DON'T FORGET

ALSO THAT ANYONE WHO GOES TO

PRISON IN SOUTH AFRICA

EVENTUALLY GETTO BE PRESIDENT.

[LAUGHTER]

>> THAT'S TRUE.

>> Jeselnik: UP NEXT IS THE

WORSE, WORSE THING OF THE WEEK.

A TERRIBLE STORY JUST LIKE THE

LAST ONE ONLY WORSE.

MIND IF I CUT IN?

DURING A THREESOME BETWEEN TWO

MEN AND A WOMAN, ONE GUY STABBED

THE OTHER GUY OVER REFUSING TO

SWITCH POSITIONS.

BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS

WHENEVER YOU BRING A KNIFE TO A

SWORD FIGHT.

>> WOW.

IT'S WEIRD.

IT'S JUST ODD YOU BRING THE

STORY UP BECAUSE MY SAFE WORD IS

I WILL STAB YOU IF YOU DON'T

SWITCH VAGINAS.

THAT'S ODD SO -- KIND OF HITS

CLOSE TO HOME.

>> Jeselnik: I KNOW THAT IS A

FACT.

>> WHAT I'VE TAKEN AWAY FROM THE

STORY IS THIS LITTLE PRINCESS IS

IS SINGLE.

[LAUGHTER]

>> AND VERY ADVENTUROUS.

>> Jeselnik: SOMETIMES YOU HAVE

TO JUMP ON IT NO MATTER WHAT.

YOU GUYS SAID SOMETHING

INTERESTING.

I WANT TO YOU DO AN IMPROV GAME

LIKE IMPROV ONLY FUN TO WATCH.

LET'S SAY YOU GUYS ARE IN A

THREE-WAY WITH A GIRL AND PAT

YOU NEED NICK TO SWITCH PLACES

WITH YOU AND CONVINCE HIM LIKE A

GENTLEMAN WITHOUT VIOLENCE.

>> WOW, YOU'RE REALLY DIGGING

SOME TUNNELS HERE.

>> GOING GOOD.

>> MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH ME.

>> I'M ALSO LIKE, SHE'S LOOKING

VERY HAPPY I THINK IT'S TIME TO

MAYBE -- SHE'S GIVING ME THE

HIGH-FIVE.

>>I DON'T KNOW I THINK I'M GOING

STICK AT IT WHERE I AM.

THIS IS THE HOLE I WANT.

>> YOU PULL OUT AND I THRUST --

>> OOH, YOU'RE GETTING ANGRY.

GOING FULL CHAP NOW.

OH, YEAH.

WE'RE TALKING ABOUT IT RIGHT

NOW.

>> I TALKED ABOUT IT EARLIER.

I JUST -- DUDE, I'M GOING TO

START CRYING.

>> YOU [BLEEP] CRY.

>> Jeselnik: REMEMBER IT'S NOT

THE JOURNEY, IT'S THE PANEL.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE

PANEL.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Jeselnik: WELCOME BACK.

MY BALONEY HAS A FIRST NAME AND

IT'S P-A-N-E-L AND WE TALK ABOUT

A PRODUCT YOU CAN STEAL AND THE

MAKERS OF THE ALCOHOLIC ENERGY

DRINK HAVE AGREED TO GIVE IT A

NEW DESCRIPTIVE LABEL.

SOMETHING TO READ IN THE BACK OF

A SQUAD CAR.

>> SORRY, WAIT A MINUTE.

IF I REMEMBER THIS CORRECTLY --

>> Jeselnik: TAKE YOUR TIME.

>> A 23-OUNCE CHANCE IS THE

EQUIVALENT OF FIVE BEERS BUT LET

YOUR SOMALIER TELL YOU THAT.

>> IT'S A SLIPPERY SLOPE LIKE

PUTTING REGULATIONS ON AND NEXT

THING YOU KNOW THEY WON'T GIVE

AWAY HAND GUNS.

>> I'M GLAD THEY'RE PUTTING

CLEAR MARKINGS ON THEIR CANS

BECAUSE FOUR LOCO DRINKERS ARE

CONCERNED ABOUT WHAT THEY PUT IN

THEIR BODIES.

SO IT'S GOOD AND ALSO THERE'S

NOTHING GOING TO WARN THEM

BETTER THAN A LOT OF STUFF TO

READ.

THAT'S REALLY GOING HELP.

>> Jeselnik: BIG READERS.

WHAT DO YOU THINK SHOULD BE ON

THE LABEL?

>> I THINK THE NEW CARTOON

MASCOT WOULD BE A LITTLE

DEFORMED FETUS GOING SEE YOU IN

FOUR MONTHS.

>> Jeselnik: THAT'S GOOD.

I LIKE THAT.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> I THINK SOMETHING LIKE DON'T

DRINK AND DRIVE YOUR DODGE NEON.

>> Jeselnik: THAT'S GOOD.

I THINK WHAT ABOUT LIKE

INCARCERATION FOR DATE RAPE

COULD BE CLOSER THAN IT APPEARS.

>> NICE.

HOW ABOUT MAY CAUSE FULL BUSEY.

>> Jeselnik: YOU HAVE GOOD

IDEAS.

>> I THINK WHAT'S GOOD FOR THE

FOR LOCO FANS IS THE CAMOUFLAGE

LOOK SO WHEN YOU'RE HUNTING IT'S

SAFE.

>> THEY KNOW FOR LOCO DRINKERS

TEND TO WANDER OFF TO THE WOODS.

>> GENERALLY HUNTING FOR A GED.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Jeselnik: THAT IS GREAT.

>> DID YOU NOTICE IN THEIR

PRODUCT PHOTO ONE OF THE FOUR

LOCOS IS PASSED OUT?

[LAUGHTER]

>> Jeselnik: OKAY.

TIME TO CLOSE THE GARAGE AND

TURN ON THE CAR.

IT'S DEFENDING YOUR TWEET.

YOU TWEETED IT AND I'M GOING

READ IT AND ASK YOU TO DEFEND IT

IN FRONT OF ALL THESE PEOPLE.

NICK, ON FEBRUARY 18 YOU TWEETED

I WANT TO OPEN A STORE CALLED

HEADPHONE, PRINTER CARTRIDGES

AND ADOBE FILE UPDATER TO BURN

IT TO THE GROUND.

NICK, DEFEND YOUR TWEET.

>> FIRST, I'M A HUGE FAN OF

ARSON.

>> Jeselnik: THAT MAKES SENSE.

>> NO, BUT I MEAN, COME ON.

PRINTER CARTRIDGES.

WHAT'S THE DEAL?

[LAUGHTER]

>> Jeselnik: WELL PLAYED, MR.

KROLL.

>> WAS THAT A DEFENSE OR

DEFLECTION.

>> Jeselnik: IT WAS THE DEFENSE

NICK KROLL COULD POSSIBLY HAVE.

>> THE JOKE WAS IN THE BATHROOM.

>> Jeselnik: I THINK A LOT OF

THINGS YOU DO ARE IN THE

BATHROOM.

>> WAS THAT A TOILET TWEET?

>> A PISTORIUS TWEET.

>> Jeselnik: I'M GOING HAVE TO

CUT YOU OFF AT THE LEG THERE'S.

MOVING ON TO YOU, JANUARY 13 YOU

TWEETED COULDN'T GET HER TO

ADMIT IT ON HER DEATH BED BUT

I'M 100% CERTAIN MY GRANDMOTHER

YELLED HONKER SCHLEMMER WHENEVER

SHE ORGASMED.

DEFEND YOUR TWEET.

>> YES, IT SEEMS FRIVOLOUS AND

FUNNY AND OOH, I'M BEING DIRTY

BUT I'D TAKEN SOME AMBIEN.

>> WELL, THANK YOU FOR

COMMITTING TO THE BIT.

IT'S GREAT.

JUST BE HAPPY YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S

DEAD.

>> IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE WHENEVER

YOUR GRANDMOTHER ORGASMED WITH

ME SHE ALWAYS YELLED BROOKSTONE.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Jeselnik: GUYS, THANK YOU SO

MUCH FOR BEING HERE TONIGHT.

CATCH PATTON LIVE AND NICK ON

THE KROLL SHOW WEDNESDAYS AT

10:30 HERE ON COMEDY CENTRAL.

10:30 HERE ON COMEDY CENTRAL. WE'LL BE BACK WITH MORE SHOW.

WE'LL BE BACK WITH MORE SHOW.

>> Jeselnik: THANKS TO NICK

KROLL AND PAT AND OSWALT AND

FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER AND AT

TC.COM/JESELNIK AND FIRST LET'S

LOOK BACK AT THE BEST MOMENTS

FROM TONIGHT'S SHOW.

>> HEY?

>> YEAH, ANTHONY.

>> WHAT DO THEY SAY ABOUT A

BULLY GAY TEEN ON SUICIDE WATCH?

>>I DON'T KNOW, ANTHONY.

>> Jeselnik: NO NOOSE IS GOOD

NOOSE.

[LAUGHTER]

HEY, RICK.

>> YEAH, ANTHONY.

>> Jeselnik: WHY DIDN'T

CHRISTINA GET AN APORTION?

TO MAKE A BIG SPLASH AT PROM?

>> LIKE IN THE TOILET?

>> Jeselnik: YOU GOT IT.

THAT'S A LOOK AT THIS SPRING'S

HOTTEST DILDOS.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

YEAH!

YEAH!

NEVER FORGET, GOOD NIGHT, KIDS.

GO READ A BOOK.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Jeselnik: IT'S LIKE A FULL

DILDO ROTATION.

[LAUGHTER]

>> IT'S A TRIPLE-X VERSION OF

INCEPTION.

>> Jeselnik: YEAH.

NO, I THINK IT'S DOING THE

DOUGIE.