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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,449 --> 00:00:02,549 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 2 00:00:02,554 --> 00:00:22,714 [♪♪♪] 3 00:00:22,712 --> 00:00:26,922 >> THANK YOU. 4 00:00:26,923 --> 00:00:28,793 WELCOME TO THE "JESELNIK 5 00:00:28,787 --> 00:00:29,167 OFFENSIVE." 6 00:00:29,167 --> 00:00:32,337 I'VE 7 00:00:32,342 --> 00:00:35,312 I'VE ANTHONY JESELNIK. 8 00:00:35,311 --> 00:00:38,621 HOW YOU KIDS DOING TONIGHT? 9 00:00:38,624 --> 00:00:39,254 FANTASTIC. 10 00:00:39,246 --> 00:00:42,526 WE HAVE AMY SCHUMER AND AZIZ 11 00:00:42,525 --> 00:00:45,215 ANSARI ARE HERE. 12 00:00:45,217 --> 00:00:46,907 ONE OF WHOM I SLEEP WITH AND THE 13 00:00:46,908 --> 00:00:50,218 OTHER ONE, WELL, WE JUST MAKE 14 00:00:50,222 --> 00:00:50,882 OUT. 15 00:00:50,878 --> 00:00:52,048 BEFORE ALL THAT A LOT OF 16 00:00:52,052 --> 00:00:53,262 HORRIBLE THINGS HAPPENED THIS 17 00:00:53,260 --> 00:00:53,570 WEEK. 18 00:00:53,570 --> 00:00:54,570 I DON'T KNOW WHY. 19 00:00:54,571 --> 00:00:59,611 I GUESS WE'RE JUST LUCKY. 20 00:00:59,611 --> 00:01:01,481 [LAUGHTER] 21 00:01:01,475 --> 00:01:04,575 >> EVERYONE IS STILL TALKING 22 00:01:04,581 --> 00:01:06,271 ABOUT AMERICA'S SWEETHEART, 23 00:01:06,273 --> 00:01:07,903 CHRISTOPHER DORNER. 24 00:01:07,895 --> 00:01:09,345 [LAUGHTER] 25 00:01:09,345 --> 00:01:12,685 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 26 00:01:12,693 --> 00:01:16,113 >> Tosh: YEAH, 27 00:01:16,110 --> 00:01:17,800 >> YEAH, I LOVE THAT GUY. 28 00:01:17,801 --> 00:01:20,701 POLICE WERE FINALLY ABLE TO STOP 29 00:01:20,701 --> 00:01:21,981 DORNER'S RAMPAGE AFTER THEY 30 00:01:21,978 --> 00:01:24,638 CORNERED HIM IN A CABIN IN BIG 31 00:01:24,636 --> 00:01:25,286 BEAR. 32 00:01:25,292 --> 00:01:28,612 IRONICALLY COPS WERE ALREADY IN 33 00:01:28,605 --> 00:01:29,945 THE AREA SHOOTING UP A CABIN 34 00:01:29,951 --> 00:01:35,031 FULL OF ASIAN WOMEN. 35 00:01:35,025 --> 00:01:35,675 [LAUGHTER] 36 00:01:35,681 --> 00:01:37,441 >> MORE BIG NEWS, POPE BENEDICT 37 00:01:37,442 --> 00:01:38,892 ANNOUNCED HE'S STEPPING DOWN AT 38 00:01:38,891 --> 00:01:41,201 THE END OF THE MONTH. 39 00:01:41,204 --> 00:01:41,694 YEAH. 40 00:01:41,687 --> 00:01:43,687 WHEN ASKED WHAT HE'LL MISS MOST 41 00:01:43,689 --> 00:01:45,829 ABOUT BEING POPE BENEDICT 42 00:01:45,829 --> 00:01:46,899 REPLIED, THAT'S A TOUGH ONE 43 00:01:46,899 --> 00:01:48,899 I LOVE THE HATS. 44 00:01:48,901 --> 00:01:49,321 [LAUGHTER] 45 00:01:49,316 --> 00:01:50,766 >> I'M GOING TO HAVE TO GO WITH 46 00:01:50,765 --> 00:01:54,795 KEEPING CONDOMS OUT OF AFRICA. 47 00:01:54,804 --> 00:01:56,674 I MEAN, YOU GUYS HAVE HEARD OF 48 00:01:56,668 --> 00:01:58,048 AIDS, RIGHT? 49 00:01:58,048 --> 00:02:00,118 [LAUGHTER] 50 00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:03,190 >> ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY. 51 00:02:03,192 --> 00:02:07,162 PUT YOUR HEAD BETWEEN YOUR LEGS 52 00:02:07,161 --> 00:02:09,651 AND KISS YOUR ASS GOOD-BYE. 53 00:02:09,646 --> 00:02:13,576 NORTH KOREA PISSED OFF THE WORLD 54 00:02:13,581 --> 00:02:15,861 BY TESTING ANOTHER NUCLEAR BOMB 55 00:02:15,859 --> 00:02:17,649 AND IT BRINGS THEM ONE STEP 56 00:02:17,654 --> 00:02:18,934 CLOSER TO A BOMB WE'LL DROP ON 57 00:02:18,931 --> 00:02:21,041 KOREA. 58 00:02:21,037 --> 00:02:23,067 THIS IS KIND OF TRAGIC. 59 00:02:23,073 --> 00:02:31,153 MARK BELELO ONE OF THE STARS OF 60 00:02:31,151 --> 00:02:33,191 A&E'S STORAGE WARS COMMITTED 61 00:02:33,187 --> 00:02:36,707 SUICIDE BY LEAVING HIS CAR ON 62 00:02:36,708 --> 00:02:38,048 WITH THE GARAGE DOOR CLOSE. 63 00:02:38,054 --> 00:02:43,614 WHEN THEY OPENED IT THEY FOUND 64 00:02:43,611 --> 00:02:48,101 -- VIEW YOU'LL HAVE TO WATCH. 65 00:02:48,098 --> 00:02:51,168 THEY CITY OF MEMPHIS IS NAME A 66 00:02:51,171 --> 00:02:54,551 PARK OF THE KU KLUX KLAN FOUNDER 67 00:02:54,553 --> 00:02:57,943 NATHAN BEDFORD FORREST. 68 00:02:57,936 --> 00:02:59,696 SORRY, I WAS WAITING FOR YOUR 69 00:02:59,696 --> 00:03:00,206 APPLAUSE. 70 00:03:00,214 --> 00:03:01,804 [LAUGHTER] 71 00:03:01,802 --> 00:03:04,842 >> THE CITY SPENT YEARS DEBATING 72 00:03:04,839 --> 00:03:07,389 A NAME CHANGE BUT IT'S NOT THE 73 00:03:07,394 --> 00:03:08,914 FIRST TIME BEDFORD FORREST HAS 74 00:03:08,912 --> 00:03:11,402 LEFT PEOPLE HANGING. 75 00:03:11,398 --> 00:03:15,918 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 76 00:03:15,919 --> 00:03:17,439 LET'S GET INTO THIS ONE. 77 00:03:17,438 --> 00:03:19,158 A GUN SHOP IN DETROIT AGREED TO 78 00:03:19,164 --> 00:03:21,374 STOP SELLING TARGETS THAT LOOK 79 00:03:21,373 --> 00:03:23,063 LIKE OSAMA BIN LADEN AFTER 80 00:03:23,064 --> 00:03:25,074 MEETING WITH MEMBERS OF THE 81 00:03:25,066 --> 00:03:30,376 COUNCIL OF AMERICAN COUNCIL 82 00:03:30,382 --> 00:03:31,382 RELATIONS. 83 00:03:31,383 --> 00:03:33,073 INSTEAD THEY'LL NOW START 84 00:03:33,074 --> 00:03:34,664 SELLING TARGETS THAT LOOK LIKE 85 00:03:34,662 --> 00:03:39,812 THE MEMBERS OF THE MEMBERS OF 86 00:03:39,805 --> 00:03:43,975 THE COUNCIL FOR AMERICAN 87 00:03:43,982 --> 00:03:44,672 RELATIONS. 88 00:03:44,672 --> 00:03:47,712 LAST WEEK SINGER CHRIS BROWN 89 00:03:47,710 --> 00:03:52,540 TOTAL HIS PORSCHE 911 IN BEVERLY 90 00:03:52,542 --> 00:03:53,162 HILLS. 91 00:03:53,163 --> 00:03:54,133 COMES AS NO SURPRISE TO ME. 92 00:03:54,130 --> 00:03:56,930 CHRIS BROWN LOVES THAT CAR. 93 00:03:56,926 --> 00:04:00,826 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 94 00:04:00,826 --> 00:04:02,446 WELL, THAT WAS A GREAT 95 00:04:02,449 --> 00:04:03,099 MONOLOGUE. 96 00:04:03,104 --> 00:04:04,004 LET'S SEE WHAT THEY'RE SAYING 97 00:04:04,002 --> 00:04:08,942 ABOUT IT ON TWITTER. 98 00:04:08,938 --> 00:04:09,728 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 99 00:04:09,732 --> 00:04:14,912 . 100 00:04:14,909 --> 00:04:17,019 >> AND SPEAKING OF AWESOME, 101 00:04:17,015 --> 00:04:20,535 FASHION. 102 00:04:20,536 --> 00:04:21,496 IT'S EVERYWHERE. 103 00:04:21,502 --> 00:04:23,852 YOU CAN'T GET AWAY FROM IT. 104 00:04:23,849 --> 00:04:25,269 NO TWO PEOPLE EVER SEEM TO WEAR 105 00:04:25,265 --> 00:04:26,705 IT THE SAME. 106 00:04:26,714 --> 00:04:28,514 LET'S TAKE A PEEK AT SIMILAR 107 00:04:28,509 --> 00:04:30,929 BOOKS AND 108 00:04:30,925 --> 00:04:33,685 LOOKS AND WHO WORE IT BETTER. 109 00:04:33,687 --> 00:04:39,307 FIRST KATE WINSLET OR MARIAH 110 00:04:39,313 --> 00:04:39,933 CAREY. 111 00:04:39,934 --> 00:04:41,354 KATE LOOKS LIKE THE BELL OF THE 112 00:04:41,350 --> 00:04:45,630 BALL AND MARIAH IS LOOKING FOR 113 00:04:45,630 --> 00:04:47,010 FASHION IN ALL THE WRONG PLACE. 114 00:04:47,010 --> 00:04:48,320 UP NEXT, IT DOESN'T GET ANY 115 00:04:48,322 --> 00:04:49,882 EASIER. 116 00:04:49,875 --> 00:04:54,215 [LAUGHTER] 117 00:04:54,224 --> 00:04:56,264 PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA OR THE 118 00:04:56,261 --> 00:04:59,821 VIRGINIA TECH KILLER. 119 00:04:59,816 --> 00:05:03,856 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 120 00:05:03,855 --> 00:05:05,265 >> PRESIDENT OBAMA LOOKS LIKE 121 00:05:05,270 --> 00:05:08,550 THE BELL OF THE BALL. 122 00:05:08,549 --> 00:05:09,239 [LAUGHTER] 123 00:05:09,239 --> 00:05:10,929 WHILE THE VIRGINIA TECH KILLER 124 00:05:10,931 --> 00:05:12,241 LOOKS LIKE HE'LL SPEND ANOTHER 125 00:05:12,242 --> 00:05:16,142 NIGHT ALONE IN HIS DORM. 126 00:05:16,143 --> 00:05:19,803 [LAUGHTER] 127 00:05:19,802 --> 00:05:24,702 NOW LET'S LOOK AT GUY FIERI OR 128 00:05:24,703 --> 00:05:33,893 THIS TIBETAN MONK. 129 00:05:33,885 --> 00:05:34,505 [APPLAUSE] 130 00:05:34,506 --> 00:05:37,126 TIBETAN MONK LIKES THE BELL OF 131 00:05:37,129 --> 00:05:39,169 THE BALL AND GUY FIERI LOOKS 132 00:05:39,166 --> 00:05:40,616 LIKE HE SHOULD KILL HIMSELF IN 133 00:05:40,616 --> 00:05:50,206 PUBLIC. 134 00:05:50,211 --> 00:05:55,631 NEXT WE HAVE PROGERIA KID OR 135 00:05:55,631 --> 00:05:59,431 HAIRLESS CAT. 136 00:05:59,428 --> 00:06:00,808 PROGERIA KID LOOKS LIKE THE BELL 137 00:06:00,808 --> 00:06:02,738 OF THE BALL. 138 00:06:02,741 --> 00:06:04,121 WHILE HAIRLESS CAT IS SUPPOSED 139 00:06:04,122 --> 00:06:08,992 TO LOOK LIKE THAT. 140 00:06:08,989 --> 00:06:11,089 HERE'S A TOUGH ONE. 141 00:06:11,094 --> 00:06:16,344 LUCILLE BALL OR JAMES HOLMES. 142 00:06:16,341 --> 00:06:17,481 LUCY LOOKS LIKE THE BELL OF THE 143 00:06:17,480 --> 00:06:25,450 BALL. 144 00:06:25,454 --> 00:06:28,534 WHILE JAMES HOLMES LOOKS LIKE 145 00:06:28,526 --> 00:06:33,876 HE'S GOT SOME SPLAIN'N TO DO. 146 00:06:33,876 --> 00:06:38,356 AND THAT WAS WHO WORE IT BETTER. 147 00:06:38,363 --> 00:06:39,233 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 148 00:06:39,226 --> 00:06:39,426 . 149 00:06:39,433 --> 00:06:42,163 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MUCH 150 00:06:42,160 --> 00:06:47,410 MUCH WORSE AND AMY SCHUMER AND 151 00:06:47,407 --> 00:06:48,197 MUCH WORSE AND AMY SCHUMER AND AZIZ ANSARI. 152 00:06:48,200 --> 00:06:53,380 AZIZ ANSARI. 153 00:06:53,378 --> 00:06:57,418 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 154 00:06:57,417 --> 00:07:00,417 >> WELCOME BACK TO THE "JESELNIK 155 00:07:00,420 --> 00:07:00,970 OFFENSIVE." 156 00:07:00,972 --> 00:07:02,662 VICTORIA SECRET IS CONSIDERING 157 00:07:02,663 --> 00:07:04,183 MAKING A SPECIAL BRA 158 00:07:04,182 --> 00:07:06,182 SPECIFICALLY FOR BREAST CANCER 159 00:07:06,184 --> 00:07:06,774 SURVIVORS. 160 00:07:06,771 --> 00:07:09,221 IT'S THE PERFECT GIFT FOR THE 161 00:07:09,221 --> 00:07:10,461 WOMAN WHO USED TO HAVE 162 00:07:10,464 --> 00:07:11,854 EVERYTHING. 163 00:07:11,845 --> 00:07:15,915 [LAUGHTER] 164 00:07:15,918 --> 00:07:18,708 >> NOW OBVIOUSLY CANCER IS A 165 00:07:18,714 --> 00:07:20,684 VERY SENSITIVE TOPIC AND WHEN A 166 00:07:20,681 --> 00:07:22,551 TOPIC IS TOO SENSITIVE TO JOKE 167 00:07:22,545 --> 00:07:24,365 ABOUT WE MAKE A BUNCH OF JOKES 168 00:07:24,374 --> 00:07:26,894 ABOUT IT IN A SEGMENT WE LIKE TO 169 00:07:26,894 --> 00:07:31,874 CALL SACRED COW. 170 00:07:31,865 --> 00:07:34,485 THIS WEEK WE CHOSE CANCER. 171 00:07:34,488 --> 00:07:36,038 IS CANCER FUNNY? 172 00:07:36,041 --> 00:07:36,901 I DON'T KNOW. 173 00:07:36,904 --> 00:07:39,774 I'M NOT A DOCTOR. 174 00:07:39,769 --> 00:07:41,909 SO I WENT TO GO MAKE FUN OF A 175 00:07:41,909 --> 00:07:44,949 DOCTOR. 176 00:07:44,947 --> 00:07:49,047 WHAT'S THE BEST PART OF BEING AN 177 00:07:49,054 --> 00:07:50,374 ONCOLOGIST, ALWAYS MEETING NEW 178 00:07:50,366 --> 00:07:50,816 PEOPLE? 179 00:07:50,815 --> 00:07:52,465 >> I THINK IT'S BEING A VERY 180 00:07:52,472 --> 00:07:53,922 SUPPORTIVE PERSON FOR SOMEONE 181 00:07:53,921 --> 00:07:57,861 WHO HAS A LIFE-THREATENING 182 00:07:57,856 --> 00:07:58,476 ILLNESS. 183 00:07:58,478 --> 00:08:00,198 >> I GUESS EVEN IF YOU HAVE A 184 00:08:00,203 --> 00:08:01,483 PATIENT YOU DON'T LIKE YOU NEVER 185 00:08:01,481 --> 00:08:02,241 GET SICK OF THEM. 186 00:08:02,240 --> 00:08:03,860 WHAT'S THE MOST AMUSING CANCER. 187 00:08:03,862 --> 00:08:05,902 >> WELL, IT'S A VERY SERIOUS 188 00:08:05,899 --> 00:08:06,449 TOPIC. 189 00:08:06,451 --> 00:08:08,901 >> I WOULD HAVE SAID ANAL 190 00:08:08,902 --> 00:08:09,562 CANCER. 191 00:08:09,558 --> 00:08:09,828 YES. 192 00:08:09,834 --> 00:08:11,044 I DID. 193 00:08:11,042 --> 00:08:12,112 I SAID IT. 194 00:08:12,112 --> 00:08:12,842 >> HUH. 195 00:08:12,837 --> 00:08:15,497 >> WHAT'S WORSE, PROSTATE CANCER 196 00:08:15,495 --> 00:08:17,185 HERE TO TEST FOR PROSTATE 197 00:08:17,186 --> 00:08:17,666 CANCER. 198 00:08:17,669 --> 00:08:18,499 >> PROSTATE CANCER. 199 00:08:18,498 --> 00:08:22,188 >> WRONG AGAIN. 200 00:08:22,191 --> 00:08:22,641 OKAY. 201 00:08:22,640 --> 00:08:23,850 LET'S ROLE PLAY. 202 00:08:23,848 --> 00:08:24,608 >> OKAY. 203 00:08:24,607 --> 00:08:28,127 >> TELL ME I HAVE CANCER. 204 00:08:28,128 --> 00:08:29,918 >> ANTHONY, THE TEST SHOWED THAT 205 00:08:29,923 --> 00:08:30,863 YOU HAVE CANCER. 206 00:08:30,855 --> 00:08:33,125 >> YOU HAVE CANCER. 207 00:08:33,133 --> 00:08:34,173 >> NO, YOU DO. 208 00:08:34,168 --> 00:08:34,858 >> YOU DO. 209 00:08:34,859 --> 00:08:36,449 >> I THINK YOU'RE WRONG. 210 00:08:36,446 --> 00:08:37,926 >>I JUST LOOKED AT THE RESULTS. 211 00:08:37,931 --> 00:08:41,001 YOUR RIDDLE WITH CANCER. 212 00:08:41,003 --> 00:08:43,213 NOW DOCTOR, ARE YOU ACTIVELY 213 00:08:43,212 --> 00:08:44,662 SEARCHING FOR THE CURE FOR 214 00:08:44,662 --> 00:08:45,802 CANCER RIGHT NOW? 215 00:08:45,801 --> 00:08:50,221 >> NOT ACTIVELY ACTIVELY BUT I SPEND ALL 216 00:08:50,219 --> 00:08:51,809 DAY LONG TRYING TO GET THEM 217 00:08:51,807 --> 00:08:52,807 CURED OF THEIR CANCER. 218 00:08:52,808 --> 00:08:55,538 >> NOT ACTIVELY LOOKING FOR THE 219 00:08:55,535 --> 00:08:59,465 CURE FOR CANCER. 220 00:08:59,469 --> 00:09:03,339 PUT THAT ON YOUR YELLP REVIEW. 221 00:09:03,335 --> 00:09:06,545 WASTING A CANCER DOCTOR'S TIME 222 00:09:06,546 --> 00:09:08,436 SURE WAS FUN AND NOW TIME TO DO 223 00:09:08,444 --> 00:09:10,834 IT STANDUP FOR A CANCER SUPPORT 224 00:09:10,826 --> 00:09:11,376 GROUP. 225 00:09:11,378 --> 00:09:12,518 HOW MANY CANCER PATIENTS DOES IT 226 00:09:12,517 --> 00:09:14,067 TAKE TO SCREW IN A LIGHT BULB? 227 00:09:14,070 --> 00:09:14,860 >> HOW MANY. 228 00:09:14,864 --> 00:09:17,254 >> ONE TO DO IT AND ELEVEN TO 229 00:09:17,246 --> 00:09:20,556 SAY SO INSPIRING. 230 00:09:20,560 --> 00:09:23,220 THE GUY WITH CANCER GOES TO THE 231 00:09:23,217 --> 00:09:25,837 HOTTEST NIGHTCLUB IN HOLLYWOOD 232 00:09:25,841 --> 00:09:27,391 AND THE DOORMAN SAYS GET OUT OF 233 00:09:27,394 --> 00:09:29,914 HERE YOU CAN'T COME IN MY CLUB. 234 00:09:29,914 --> 00:09:31,024 THE GUY SAYS YOU DON'T 235 00:09:31,018 --> 00:09:32,328 UNDERSTAND I HAVE CANCER. 236 00:09:32,330 --> 00:09:35,090 THE DOORMAN SAID I KNOW BUT 237 00:09:35,091 --> 00:09:36,401 YOU'RE ALSO PERSIAN. 238 00:09:36,403 --> 00:09:37,823 WHAT'S BLACK AND WHITE AND WILL 239 00:09:37,818 --> 00:09:39,128 BE RED IN SIX WEEKS? 240 00:09:39,130 --> 00:09:40,170 >> WHAT? 241 00:09:40,165 --> 00:09:43,645 >> YOUR WILL. 242 00:09:43,652 --> 00:09:44,622 WHAT YOUR NAME? 243 00:09:44,618 --> 00:09:45,268 >> CHRIS. 244 00:09:45,274 --> 00:09:46,974 >> WHAT TYPE OF CANCER DO YOU 245 00:09:46,965 --> 00:09:47,515 HAVE? 246 00:09:47,517 --> 00:09:52,967 >> BRAIN CANCER. 247 00:09:52,971 --> 00:09:54,661 IT'S CALLED ANOTHER NAME. 248 00:09:54,663 --> 00:09:55,663 >> CAN YOU SPELL THAT? 249 00:09:55,664 --> 00:09:56,634 >> I DOUBT IT. 250 00:09:56,630 --> 00:09:59,460 >> COULD IT SPELL IT BEFORE YOU 251 00:09:59,460 --> 00:10:00,390 HAD BRAIN CANCER? 252 00:10:00,392 --> 00:10:02,712 DO YOU HAVE CANCER? 253 00:10:02,705 --> 00:10:04,705 >> I START CHEMO TUESDAY? 254 00:10:04,707 --> 00:10:08,987 >> THEY SAID CHEMO MONEY, CHEMO 255 00:10:08,987 --> 00:10:09,507 PROBLEMS. 256 00:10:09,505 --> 00:10:13,605 WHAT TYPE OF CANCER. 257 00:10:13,613 --> 00:10:15,373 >> CANCER. 258 00:10:15,373 --> 00:10:16,963 >> THAT'S THE HARDEST NAME. 259 00:10:16,961 --> 00:10:18,691 HAVING TO REMEMBER ALL THAT 260 00:10:18,687 --> 00:10:19,167 STUFF. 261 00:10:19,170 --> 00:10:19,930 THAT'S TOUGH. 262 00:10:19,929 --> 00:10:21,549 BEST OF LUCK TO YOU. 263 00:10:21,551 --> 00:10:22,481 TO ALL OF YOU. 264 00:10:22,483 --> 00:10:23,283 >> THANK YOU. 265 00:10:23,277 --> 00:10:28,207 >> THAT WAS SARCASTIC. 266 00:10:28,213 --> 00:10:29,013 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 267 00:10:29,007 --> 00:10:30,107 >> THAT WAS GREAT AND NO HARM 268 00:10:30,112 --> 00:10:32,012 DONE. 269 00:10:32,010 --> 00:10:34,630 PLUS, GUESS WHAT, IT'S TIME FOR 270 00:10:34,634 --> 00:10:35,224 PANELS. 271 00:10:35,220 --> 00:10:38,120 THE PANEL THAT'S JUST LIKE 272 00:10:38,120 --> 00:10:41,120 CHELSEA LATELY ONLY BETTER 273 00:10:41,123 --> 00:10:42,263 BECAUSE ARE YOU [BLEEP]ING 274 00:10:42,262 --> 00:10:43,132 KIDDING ME. 275 00:10:43,125 --> 00:10:48,365 PLEASE WELCOME THE FAMOUS AZIZ 276 00:10:48,371 --> 00:10:50,371 ANSARI FROM PARKS AND REC. 277 00:10:50,373 --> 00:10:53,383 AND FROM HER RECENT COMEDY 278 00:10:53,376 --> 00:10:55,096 CENTRAL SPECIAL MOSTLY SEX 279 00:10:55,102 --> 00:10:56,352 STUFF, MOI FAVORITE, AMY 280 00:10:56,345 --> 00:11:03,385 SCHUMER. 281 00:11:03,386 --> 00:11:04,906 THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING 282 00:11:04,905 --> 00:11:07,765 HERE, GUYS. 283 00:11:07,770 --> 00:11:09,670 AZIZ, I JUST HAD A GREAT 284 00:11:09,669 --> 00:11:12,259 INTERVIEW AND I HAVE A GREAT 285 00:11:12,257 --> 00:11:12,707 QUOTE 286 00:11:12,706 --> 00:11:15,326 I CAN TO A TED TALK ON DICK 287 00:11:15,329 --> 00:11:16,569 PHOTOS AFTER THEY'LL RESEARCH 288 00:11:16,572 --> 00:11:17,022 I'VE DONE. 289 00:11:17,021 --> 00:11:18,851 >> IT'S TRUE. 290 00:11:18,850 --> 00:11:21,440 ON MY LAST TOUR I HAD A BIT 291 00:11:21,439 --> 00:11:23,099 ABOUT DICK PHOTOS AND I WOULD DO 292 00:11:23,096 --> 00:11:23,786 A SURVEY. 293 00:11:23,786 --> 00:11:26,996 CLAP IF YOU'RE A WOMAN IN THE 294 00:11:26,996 --> 00:11:27,576 AUDIENCE. 295 00:11:27,583 --> 00:11:29,003 >> THAT'S A GREAT SURVEY. 296 00:11:28,998 --> 00:11:29,928 >> OKAY. 297 00:11:29,930 --> 00:11:33,730 NOW CLAP IF A GUY HAS SENT YOU A 298 00:11:33,727 --> 00:11:34,937 DICK PHOTO BEFORE. 299 00:11:34,935 --> 00:11:37,075 ISN'T THAT WAY HIGHER THAN YOU 300 00:11:37,075 --> 00:11:38,765 THOUGHT IT WOULD BE? 301 00:11:38,767 --> 00:11:40,007 IT'S THAT HIGH EVERYWHERE. 302 00:11:40,009 --> 00:11:42,359 I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE LIKE 30%. 303 00:11:42,356 --> 00:11:48,286 IT'S LIKE 70%. 304 00:11:48,293 --> 00:11:49,263 EVERYWHERE. 305 00:11:49,260 --> 00:11:53,130 >> NOW CLAP IF IT WAS AZIZ THAT 306 00:11:53,126 --> 00:11:54,196 SENT YOU THE PHOTO 307 00:11:54,196 --> 00:11:56,606 NOW LET'S GET INTO IT WITH THE 308 00:11:56,612 --> 00:11:58,652 BEST-WORSE THING OF THE WEEK OF 309 00:11:58,648 --> 00:12:04,068 OF ALL THE AWFUL NEWS STORY'S 310 00:12:04,068 --> 00:12:06,138 THIS IS MY FAVORITE. 311 00:12:06,139 --> 00:12:09,729 LAST WEEK THERE THERE WAS A 312 00:12:09,729 --> 00:12:12,659 MANIAC COP LOOSE IN LOS ANGELES, 313 00:12:12,662 --> 00:12:14,492 ACTUALLY THERE'S STILL THOUS AND 314 00:12:14,492 --> 00:12:17,602 THE BUT CHRISTOPHER DORNER HAD A 315 00:12:17,598 --> 00:12:19,218 MANIFESTO AND HIS BIGGEST 316 00:12:19,221 --> 00:12:21,601 VENDETTA WAS AGAINST THE COMMA. 317 00:12:21,602 --> 00:12:23,162 DID YOU READ THE MANIFESTO? 318 00:12:23,156 --> 00:12:24,606 >> IT WAS THE LONGEST THING I 319 00:12:24,605 --> 00:12:25,675 READ IN MY LIFE. 320 00:12:25,675 --> 00:12:27,845 >> LIKE A PAGE, PAGE AND A HALF. 321 00:12:27,850 --> 00:12:28,330 >> YES. 322 00:12:28,333 --> 00:12:30,783 YEAH. 323 00:12:30,784 --> 00:12:32,484 SORRY, MENSA MEMBERS IN THE 324 00:12:32,475 --> 00:12:33,365 AUDIENCE TODAY. 325 00:12:33,373 --> 00:12:38,273 >> I WONDER IF HE SHOWED IT TO 326 00:12:38,274 --> 00:12:40,934 FRIENDS BEFORE LIKE WHAT DO YOU 327 00:12:40,932 --> 00:12:41,482 THINK? 328 00:12:41,484 --> 00:12:42,874 THINK THERE'S PARTS I CAN LOSE. 329 00:12:42,865 --> 00:12:43,555 TOO LONG? 330 00:12:43,555 --> 00:12:45,205 >> NO, IT'S GOOD, ALL GOOD. 331 00:12:45,212 --> 00:12:47,532 >> OTHER THAN THE MURDERING AND 332 00:12:47,525 --> 00:12:48,795 ALL THE STUFF WHEN HE GETS TO 333 00:12:48,802 --> 00:12:50,492 THE TV SHOWS I'M LIKE DOESN'T 334 00:12:50,493 --> 00:12:51,773 SEEM LIKE A BAD DUDE. 335 00:12:51,771 --> 00:12:52,771 I DON'T KNOW. 336 00:12:52,772 --> 00:12:54,772 >> I UNDERSTAND. 337 00:12:54,774 --> 00:12:58,994 LIKE WE ALL HAD A COP FANTASY 338 00:12:58,985 --> 00:13:00,495 WHEN HE PULLS YOU OVER AND 339 00:13:00,503 --> 00:13:02,783 YOU'RE MAD BUT THEN HE STARTS 340 00:13:02,782 --> 00:13:05,922 TAKING OFF HIS UNIFORM SLOW TO A 341 00:13:05,923 --> 00:13:09,863 BOYS TO MEN SONG AND THEN HE 342 00:13:09,858 --> 00:13:11,928 BRUSH YOURS HAIR OUT OF YOUR 343 00:13:11,929 --> 00:13:12,339 FACE -- 344 00:13:12,343 --> 00:13:14,523 >> AMY, YOU'RE ON MY TV SHOW. 345 00:13:14,517 --> 00:13:16,657 YOU NEED TO FOCUS UP. 346 00:13:16,657 --> 00:13:17,557 >> SORRY. 347 00:13:17,555 --> 00:13:19,205 >> UP NEXT IS THE WORSE, WORSE 348 00:13:19,212 --> 00:13:21,042 THING OF THE WEEK. 349 00:13:21,041 --> 00:13:24,181 THE TERRIBLE STORY LIKE LAST ONE 350 00:13:24,182 --> 00:13:25,942 BUT ONLY WORSE. 351 00:13:25,943 --> 00:13:29,023 THE FORMER NAVY SEAL WHO KILLED 352 00:13:29,015 --> 00:13:34,155 OSAMA BIN LADEN IS NOW DIFFER DIVORCED, 353 00:13:34,158 --> 00:13:35,638 BROKE AND UNEMPLOYED AND THE 354 00:13:35,642 --> 00:13:36,952 GOVERNMENT DOESN'T CARE BUT ON 355 00:13:36,954 --> 00:13:38,784 THE PLUS SIDE HE HASN'T KILLED 356 00:13:38,783 --> 00:13:39,963 HIMSELF YET. 357 00:13:39,957 --> 00:13:41,297 >> I DIDN'T KNOW THAT. 358 00:13:41,303 --> 00:13:43,653 THAT'S DEPRESS. 359 00:13:43,650 --> 00:13:45,790 IT'S IRONIC BECAUSE HE'S GOING 360 00:13:45,790 --> 00:13:48,830 TO END UP WITH A HOMELESS BEARD 361 00:13:48,828 --> 00:13:52,308 AND ARMY JACKET LIKE LIVING 362 00:13:52,314 --> 00:13:53,804 UNDER A BRIDGE LIKE -- 363 00:13:53,798 --> 00:13:56,178 >> I READ THE ARTICLE THE 364 00:13:56,180 --> 00:13:57,460 INTERVIEW WITH HIM AND ONE THING 365 00:13:57,457 --> 00:13:58,767 THAT'S INTERESTING IS THEY WERE 366 00:13:58,768 --> 00:14:00,048 TALKING ABOUT WHEN THEY'RE GOING 367 00:14:00,046 --> 00:14:01,556 ON THE RAID AND STUFF AND WHEN 368 00:14:01,564 --> 00:14:07,744 THEY TALKED ABOUT OSAMA BIN 369 00:14:07,743 --> 00:14:19,693 LADEN THEY SAID OSAMA BIN LADEN. 370 00:14:19,686 --> 00:14:21,376 >> SORRY, GUYS, I MET HIM. 371 00:14:21,377 --> 00:14:22,997 >> YOU DON'T KNOW HIM LIKE I 372 00:14:23,000 --> 00:14:23,790 KNOW HIM. 373 00:14:23,793 --> 00:14:24,933 HE'S DIFFERENT WHEN HE'S NOT 374 00:14:24,933 --> 00:14:26,763 AROUND HIS FRIENDS. 375 00:14:26,762 --> 00:14:28,732 IF HE WANTS A JOB HE CAN SHOOT 376 00:14:28,729 --> 00:14:31,459 ALL OVER MY BEARDED MAN IN A 377 00:14:31,456 --> 00:14:33,216 CAVE ANYTIME. 378 00:14:33,217 --> 00:14:38,497 [LAUGHTER] 379 00:14:38,498 --> 00:14:40,468 >> I THOUGHT OF THE BEST JOB FOR 380 00:14:40,465 --> 00:14:41,355 HIM. 381 00:14:41,363 --> 00:14:43,883 AMY, LET'S DO A LITTLE ROLE 382 00:14:43,883 --> 00:14:44,403 PLAY. 383 00:14:44,400 --> 00:14:45,820 HEY, I'M GOING A FUN CLUB LATER 384 00:14:45,815 --> 00:14:47,225 ON WANT TO COME? 385 00:14:47,231 --> 00:14:48,341 >> DON'T KNOW. 386 00:14:48,335 --> 00:14:50,605 >> WHAT IF I TOLD THE GUY THAT 387 00:14:50,613 --> 00:14:53,243 KILLED OSAMA BIN LADEN IS IS 388 00:14:53,237 --> 00:14:54,027 DEEJAYING -- 389 00:14:54,031 --> 00:14:55,001 >> WHAT? 390 00:14:54,997 --> 00:14:56,237 CAN PUT US ON THE LIST? 391 00:14:56,240 --> 00:14:57,480 >> OF COURSE. 392 00:14:57,482 --> 00:14:58,102 >> OKAY. 393 00:14:58,104 --> 00:14:59,664 >> MEET THE PANEL. 394 00:14:59,657 --> 00:15:01,067 MEET PANEL LONG TIME. 395 00:15:01,072 --> 00:15:02,132 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE 396 00:15:02,125 --> 00:15:13,565 PANEL. 397 00:15:13,567 --> 00:15:15,537 >> WELCOME BACK, KIDS. 398 00:15:15,535 --> 00:15:17,875 THAT PANEL IN YOUR PANTS OR ARE 399 00:15:17,882 --> 00:15:20,542 YOU PANEL TO SEE ME? 400 00:15:20,540 --> 00:15:24,030 TIME FOR MORE PANEL AND CONTINUE 401 00:15:24,026 --> 00:15:27,406 WITH THE JONBENET RAMSEY 402 00:15:27,409 --> 00:15:31,409 MEMORIAL SEGMENT. 403 00:15:31,413 --> 00:15:33,243 WHERE CHILDREN THE FUTURE BUT 404 00:15:33,242 --> 00:15:35,592 PARENTS THE STARS. 405 00:15:35,589 --> 00:15:39,899 MOM, YOU'RE EMBARRASSING ME IN 406 00:15:39,904 --> 00:15:42,364 FRONT OF THEARIAN NATION. 407 00:15:42,355 --> 00:15:45,875 A 58 WOMAN IS UNDER ARREST FOR 408 00:15:45,875 --> 00:15:48,635 PASSING HER SON OXYCODONE IN 409 00:15:48,637 --> 00:15:51,397 PRISSON VIA OPEN-MOUTH KISS. 410 00:15:51,398 --> 00:15:53,088 >> OH, NO. 411 00:15:53,090 --> 00:15:57,750 >> THEY REALLY LOOK A LOT ALIKE. 412 00:15:57,749 --> 00:16:01,339 >> THE PRISONER LOST CONJUGAL 413 00:16:01,339 --> 00:16:02,819 VISITS WITH HIS MOTHER. 414 00:16:02,823 --> 00:16:06,073 >> LOOKS LIKE THEY TOOK THE 415 00:16:06,068 --> 00:16:08,308 PHOTO RIGHT AFTER THEY DID. 416 00:16:08,312 --> 00:16:09,522 COME OVER HERE. 417 00:16:09,520 --> 00:16:12,730 LIKE YOU JUST SHOWED ME AND SAID 418 00:16:12,730 --> 00:16:17,010 WHAT DID THEY DO I WOULD BE LIKE 419 00:16:17,010 --> 00:16:18,910 LOOKED LIKE THE WOMAN MADE OUT 420 00:16:18,908 --> 00:16:20,288 WITH HER SON. 421 00:16:20,289 --> 00:16:22,529 >> THAT'S MAKES ME MOM. 422 00:16:22,533 --> 00:16:25,293 MY MOM NEVER PUT OUT NOT EVEN 423 00:16:25,294 --> 00:16:25,814 ONCE. 424 00:16:25,812 --> 00:16:26,992 >> NOW IT'S TIME FOR LATINO 425 00:16:26,986 --> 00:16:35,236 VOICES. 426 00:16:35,235 --> 00:16:37,065 AMY, HAVE YOU BEEN WATCHING 427 00:16:37,065 --> 00:16:44,895 SEASON TWO OF GIRLS? 428 00:16:44,900 --> 00:16:47,110 >> THE WORSE -- THE WORSE. 429 00:16:47,109 --> 00:16:48,589 >> WHAT DO YOU THINK OF SEASON 430 00:16:48,593 --> 00:16:50,533 SO FAR AND WHERE DO YOU SEE 431 00:16:50,526 --> 00:16:51,796 HANNAH GOING IN THE NEXT TWO 432 00:16:51,803 --> 00:16:56,603 EPISODES. 433 00:16:56,601 --> 00:17:01,681 >> OKAY SO LIKE I REALLY ENJOY 434 00:17:01,675 --> 00:17:04,325 SEASON ONE BUT I THOUGHT BRIAN 435 00:17:04,333 --> 00:17:07,303 WILLIAMS DAUGHTER SEEMED LIKE A 436 00:17:07,302 --> 00:17:09,132 BITCH BUT IT TURNS OUT SHE'S NOT 437 00:17:09,131 --> 00:17:10,131 SO BAD. 438 00:17:10,132 --> 00:17:11,172 WHAT DO YOU THINK? 439 00:17:11,168 --> 00:17:13,308 SHE SEEMS OKAY. 440 00:17:13,308 --> 00:17:15,518 >> AZIZ, CAN YOU GIVE ME 441 00:17:15,517 --> 00:17:16,727 DIRECTIONS TO THE AIRPORT FROM 442 00:17:16,725 --> 00:17:18,485 HERE? 443 00:17:18,485 --> 00:17:23,655 >> I WOULD JUST GO STRAIGHT DOWN 444 00:17:23,663 --> 00:17:28,223 LA CIENEGA ALL THE WAY DOWN AS 445 00:17:28,219 --> 00:17:30,569 LONG AS THERE'S NOT A LOT OF 446 00:17:30,566 --> 00:17:31,076 TRAFFIC. 447 00:17:31,084 --> 00:17:34,544 THERE'S A NICE IN N OUT RIGHT 448 00:17:34,536 --> 00:17:35,566 NEAR LAX. 449 00:17:35,571 --> 00:17:42,961 >> AND THAT WAS LATINO VOICES. 450 00:17:42,958 --> 00:17:44,928 [ ALL WITH ACCENTS ] 451 00:17:44,925 --> 00:17:46,505 >> NOW LET'S WRAP THIS BABY UP 452 00:17:46,513 --> 00:17:47,863 AND THROW IT IN THE RIVER. 453 00:17:47,859 --> 00:17:48,759 IT'S TIME FOR DEFENDING YOUR 454 00:17:48,757 --> 00:17:51,237 TWEETS. 455 00:17:51,242 --> 00:17:54,422 YOU TWEET IT AND I'M GOING READ 456 00:17:54,418 --> 00:17:56,078 IT AND TELL YOU DEFEND IN FRONT 457 00:17:56,075 --> 00:17:57,965 OF ALL THESE PEOPLE. 458 00:17:57,973 --> 00:18:01,463 AMY, AUGUST 28 YOU TWEETED, 459 00:18:01,459 --> 00:18:06,429 LADIES, SURPRISE A GUY AND GET A 460 00:18:06,430 --> 00:18:09,300 TEMP TATTOO AND YOUR STOMACH AND 461 00:18:09,295 --> 00:18:12,815 DON'T TELL HIM ANYTHING HE 462 00:18:12,815 --> 00:18:15,395 FINISHES THERE. 463 00:18:15,404 --> 00:18:16,824 HASHTAG, INTERESTING. 464 00:18:16,819 --> 00:18:17,819 DEFEND YOUR TWEET. 465 00:18:17,820 --> 00:18:19,440 >> IN MY DEFENSE I WAS IN A 466 00:18:19,443 --> 00:18:21,273 REALLY GREAT PLACE IN MY LIFE 467 00:18:21,272 --> 00:18:24,932 AND I WAS JUST RIDDLED WITH 468 00:18:24,931 --> 00:18:25,861 GREAT IDEAS AND LOUSY WITH 469 00:18:25,863 --> 00:18:27,763 CLARITY. 470 00:18:27,761 --> 00:18:28,311 >> OKAY. 471 00:18:28,314 --> 00:18:32,354 OKAY. 472 00:18:32,352 --> 00:18:34,422 I STAND BY THIS GREAT IDEA. 473 00:18:34,423 --> 00:18:36,813 >> I THAT'S A STRONG DEFENSE 474 00:18:36,805 --> 00:18:38,255 I WOULDN'T HAVE EXPECTED 475 00:18:38,255 --> 00:18:39,115 ANYTHING LESS. 476 00:18:39,118 --> 00:18:42,188 AZIZ ON DECEMBER 9 YOU TWEETED 477 00:18:42,190 --> 00:18:44,920 THE FOLLOWING, TORTAS, TORTAS, 478 00:18:44,916 --> 00:18:48,366 TORTAS, TORTAS, TORTAS, TORTAS, 479 00:18:48,368 --> 00:18:53,578 TORTAS, TORTAS, TORTAS, TORTAS. 480 00:18:53,580 --> 00:18:56,140 AZIZ, DEFEND YOUR TWEET. 481 00:18:56,135 --> 00:19:00,065 >> I DON'T KNOW EXACTLY WHAT THE 482 00:19:00,069 --> 00:19:05,179 SITUATION WAS BUT I'M GOING 483 00:19:05,178 --> 00:19:07,348 GUESS I JUST ATE A REALLY 484 00:19:07,353 --> 00:19:10,633 DELICIOUS TORTA. 485 00:19:10,632 --> 00:19:11,322 >> WOW. 486 00:19:11,322 --> 00:19:12,122 GREAT DEFENSE. 487 00:19:12,116 --> 00:19:16,086 GREAT DEFENSE. 488 00:19:16,085 --> 00:19:18,225 >> IF THERE'S ANYONE HERE FROM 489 00:19:18,226 --> 00:19:23,506 THE HALLMARK CHANNEL THAT WANTS 490 00:19:23,507 --> 00:19:25,677 TO OPTION THAT -- 491 00:19:25,681 --> 00:19:26,921 >> THERE ARE PEOPLE LIKE THAT 492 00:19:26,924 --> 00:19:27,444 HERE. 493 00:19:27,442 --> 00:19:28,442 THANKS FOR BEING HERE ON MY 494 00:19:28,443 --> 00:19:29,343 FIRST SHOW. 495 00:19:29,340 --> 00:19:31,100 I REALLY APPRECIATE. 496 00:19:31,100 --> 00:19:33,340 WATCH AZIZ ON PARK AND REC 497 00:19:33,344 --> 00:19:36,734 THURSDAY NIGHTS AT 8:30 AND LOOK 498 00:19:36,727 --> 00:19:41,177 OUT FOR AMY INSIDE HER SERIES 499 00:19:41,180 --> 00:19:43,600 INSIDE AMY SCHUMER ON COMEDY 500 00:19:43,596 --> 00:19:44,246 CENTRAL. 501 00:19:44,252 --> 00:19:45,492 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH THE 502 00:19:45,494 --> 00:19:46,414 BEST MOMENTS FROM TONIGHT'S 503 00:19:46,409 --> 00:19:59,889 SHOW. 504 00:19:59,888 --> 00:20:01,918 >> WELL, THAT WAS OUR FIRST SHOW 505 00:20:01,924 --> 00:20:03,444 AND WE NAILED IT. 506 00:20:03,443 --> 00:20:09,353 THANKS TO AMY SCHUMER AND AZIZ 507 00:20:09,346 --> 00:20:09,896 ANSARI. 508 00:20:09,898 --> 00:20:13,348 SEE ME LIVE AT THE MIRAGE AND 509 00:20:13,350 --> 00:20:16,660 TWEET ME AND ON THE BLOG 510 00:20:16,663 --> 00:20:17,323 CC.COM/JESELNIK. 511 00:20:17,319 --> 00:20:20,699 SEE YOU NEXT WEEK BUT BEFORE WE 512 00:20:20,702 --> 00:20:22,222 GO LET'S LOOK BACK AT THE BEST 513 00:20:22,221 --> 00:20:24,331 MOMENTS FROM TONIGHT'S SHOW. 514 00:20:24,326 --> 00:20:26,976 >> WOMEN BE SHOPPING. 515 00:20:26,984 --> 00:20:31,064 WOMEN BE SHOPPING. 516 00:20:31,057 --> 00:20:37,617 WOMEN BE SHOPPING. 517 00:20:37,615 --> 00:20:48,485 OH, BOY. 518 00:20:48,488 --> 00:20:49,458 AH, MEMORIES. 519 00:20:49,455 --> 00:20:50,315 GOOD NIGHT KIDS. 520 00:20:50,318 --> 00:20:52,978 GO READ A BOOK. 521 00:20:52,975 --> 00:21:05,775 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 522 00:21:05,781 --> 00:21:07,161 >> IF SOMEONE COMES TO YOU WITH 523 00:21:07,162 --> 00:21:09,822 LUNG CANCER AFTER YEARS OF 524 00:21:09,820 --> 00:21:12,790 SMOKING CIGARETTES ARE YOU EVER 525 00:21:12,788 --> 00:21:15,198 JUST LIKE, DUH, DUH, DUH, DUH, 526 00:21:15,204 --> 00:21:15,624 DUH. 527 00:21:15,619 --> 00:21:16,449 EVER DO THAT? 528 00:21:16,447 --> 00:21:17,757 >> NO, I DON'T DO THAT. 529 00:21:17,759 --> 00:21:18,069 >> DUH. 30661

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