Original subtitles

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[♪♪♪]

>> THANK YOU.

WELCOME TO THE "JESELNIK

OFFENSIVE."

I'VE

I'VE ANTHONY JESELNIK.

HOW YOU KIDS DOING TONIGHT?

FANTASTIC.

WE HAVE AMY SCHUMER AND AZIZ

ANSARI ARE HERE.

ONE OF WHOM I SLEEP WITH AND THE

OTHER ONE, WELL, WE JUST MAKE

OUT.

BEFORE ALL THAT A LOT OF

HORRIBLE THINGS HAPPENED THIS

WEEK.

I DON'T KNOW WHY.

I GUESS WE'RE JUST LUCKY.

[LAUGHTER]

>> EVERYONE IS STILL TALKING

ABOUT AMERICA'S SWEETHEART,

CHRISTOPHER DORNER.

[LAUGHTER]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Tosh: YEAH,

>> YEAH, I LOVE THAT GUY.

POLICE WERE FINALLY ABLE TO STOP

DORNER'S RAMPAGE AFTER THEY

CORNERED HIM IN A CABIN IN BIG

BEAR.

IRONICALLY COPS WERE ALREADY IN

THE AREA SHOOTING UP A CABIN

FULL OF ASIAN WOMEN.

[LAUGHTER]

>> MORE BIG NEWS, POPE BENEDICT

ANNOUNCED HE'S STEPPING DOWN AT

THE END OF THE MONTH.

YEAH.

WHEN ASKED WHAT HE'LL MISS MOST

ABOUT BEING POPE BENEDICT

REPLIED, THAT'S A TOUGH ONE

I LOVE THE HATS.

[LAUGHTER]

>> I'M GOING TO HAVE TO GO WITH

KEEPING CONDOMS OUT OF AFRICA.

I MEAN, YOU GUYS HAVE HEARD OF

AIDS, RIGHT?

[LAUGHTER]

>> ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY.

PUT YOUR HEAD BETWEEN YOUR LEGS

AND KISS YOUR ASS GOOD-BYE.

NORTH KOREA PISSED OFF THE WORLD

BY TESTING ANOTHER NUCLEAR BOMB

AND IT BRINGS THEM ONE STEP

CLOSER TO A BOMB WE'LL DROP ON

KOREA.

THIS IS KIND OF TRAGIC.

MARK BELELO ONE OF THE STARS OF

A&E'S STORAGE WARS COMMITTED

SUICIDE BY LEAVING HIS CAR ON

WITH THE GARAGE DOOR CLOSE.

WHEN THEY OPENED IT THEY FOUND

-- VIEW YOU'LL HAVE TO WATCH.

THEY CITY OF MEMPHIS IS NAME A

PARK OF THE KU KLUX KLAN FOUNDER

NATHAN BEDFORD FORREST.

SORRY, I WAS WAITING FOR YOUR

APPLAUSE.

[LAUGHTER]

>> THE CITY SPENT YEARS DEBATING

A NAME CHANGE BUT IT'S NOT THE

FIRST TIME BEDFORD FORREST HAS

LEFT PEOPLE HANGING.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

LET'S GET INTO THIS ONE.

A GUN SHOP IN DETROIT AGREED TO

STOP SELLING TARGETS THAT LOOK

LIKE OSAMA BIN LADEN AFTER

MEETING WITH MEMBERS OF THE

COUNCIL OF AMERICAN COUNCIL

RELATIONS.

INSTEAD THEY'LL NOW START

SELLING TARGETS THAT LOOK LIKE

THE MEMBERS OF THE MEMBERS OF

THE COUNCIL FOR AMERICAN

RELATIONS.

LAST WEEK SINGER CHRIS BROWN

TOTAL HIS PORSCHE 911 IN BEVERLY

HILLS.

COMES AS NO SURPRISE TO ME.

CHRIS BROWN LOVES THAT CAR.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WELL, THAT WAS A GREAT

MONOLOGUE.

LET'S SEE WHAT THEY'RE SAYING

ABOUT IT ON TWITTER.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

.

>> AND SPEAKING OF AWESOME,

FASHION.

IT'S EVERYWHERE.

YOU CAN'T GET AWAY FROM IT.

NO TWO PEOPLE EVER SEEM TO WEAR

IT THE SAME.

LET'S TAKE A PEEK AT SIMILAR

BOOKS AND

LOOKS AND WHO WORE IT BETTER.

FIRST KATE WINSLET OR MARIAH

CAREY.

KATE LOOKS LIKE THE BELL OF THE

BALL AND MARIAH IS LOOKING FOR

FASHION IN ALL THE WRONG PLACE.

UP NEXT, IT DOESN'T GET ANY

EASIER.

[LAUGHTER]

PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA OR THE

VIRGINIA TECH KILLER.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> PRESIDENT OBAMA LOOKS LIKE

THE BELL OF THE BALL.

[LAUGHTER]

WHILE THE VIRGINIA TECH KILLER

LOOKS LIKE HE'LL SPEND ANOTHER

NIGHT ALONE IN HIS DORM.

[LAUGHTER]

NOW LET'S LOOK AT GUY FIERI OR

THIS TIBETAN MONK.

[APPLAUSE]

TIBETAN MONK LIKES THE BELL OF

THE BALL AND GUY FIERI LOOKS

LIKE HE SHOULD KILL HIMSELF IN

PUBLIC.

NEXT WE HAVE PROGERIA KID OR

HAIRLESS CAT.

PROGERIA KID LOOKS LIKE THE BELL

OF THE BALL.

WHILE HAIRLESS CAT IS SUPPOSED

TO LOOK LIKE THAT.

HERE'S A TOUGH ONE.

LUCILLE BALL OR JAMES HOLMES.

LUCY LOOKS LIKE THE BELL OF THE

BALL.

WHILE JAMES HOLMES LOOKS LIKE

HE'S GOT SOME SPLAIN'N TO DO.

AND THAT WAS WHO WORE IT BETTER.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MUCH

MUCH WORSE AND AMY SCHUMER AND

MUCH WORSE AND AMY SCHUMER AND AZIZ ANSARI.

AZIZ ANSARI.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> WELCOME BACK TO THE "JESELNIK

OFFENSIVE."

VICTORIA SECRET IS CONSIDERING

MAKING A SPECIAL BRA

SPECIFICALLY FOR BREAST CANCER

SURVIVORS.

IT'S THE PERFECT GIFT FOR THE

WOMAN WHO USED TO HAVE

EVERYTHING.

[LAUGHTER]

>> NOW OBVIOUSLY CANCER IS A

VERY SENSITIVE TOPIC AND WHEN A

TOPIC IS TOO SENSITIVE TO JOKE

ABOUT WE MAKE A BUNCH OF JOKES

ABOUT IT IN A SEGMENT WE LIKE TO

CALL SACRED COW.

THIS WEEK WE CHOSE CANCER.

IS CANCER FUNNY?

I DON'T KNOW.

I'M NOT A DOCTOR.

SO I WENT TO GO MAKE FUN OF A

DOCTOR.

WHAT'S THE BEST PART OF BEING AN

ONCOLOGIST, ALWAYS MEETING NEW

PEOPLE?

>> I THINK IT'S BEING A VERY

SUPPORTIVE PERSON FOR SOMEONE

WHO HAS A LIFE-THREATENING

ILLNESS.

>> I GUESS EVEN IF YOU HAVE A

PATIENT YOU DON'T LIKE YOU NEVER

GET SICK OF THEM.

WHAT'S THE MOST AMUSING CANCER.

>> WELL, IT'S A VERY SERIOUS

TOPIC.

>> I WOULD HAVE SAID ANAL

CANCER.

YES.

I DID.

I SAID IT.

>> HUH.

>> WHAT'S WORSE, PROSTATE CANCER

HERE TO TEST FOR PROSTATE

CANCER.

>> PROSTATE CANCER.

>> WRONG AGAIN.

OKAY.

LET'S ROLE PLAY.

>> OKAY.

>> TELL ME I HAVE CANCER.

>> ANTHONY, THE TEST SHOWED THAT

YOU HAVE CANCER.

>> YOU HAVE CANCER.

>> NO, YOU DO.

>> YOU DO.

>> I THINK YOU'RE WRONG.

>>I JUST LOOKED AT THE RESULTS.

YOUR RIDDLE WITH CANCER.

NOW DOCTOR, ARE YOU ACTIVELY

SEARCHING FOR THE CURE FOR

CANCER RIGHT NOW?

>> NOT ACTIVELY ACTIVELY BUT I SPEND ALL

DAY LONG TRYING TO GET THEM

CURED OF THEIR CANCER.

>> NOT ACTIVELY LOOKING FOR THE

CURE FOR CANCER.

PUT THAT ON YOUR YELLP REVIEW.

WASTING A CANCER DOCTOR'S TIME

SURE WAS FUN AND NOW TIME TO DO

IT STANDUP FOR A CANCER SUPPORT

GROUP.

HOW MANY CANCER PATIENTS DOES IT

TAKE TO SCREW IN A LIGHT BULB?

>> HOW MANY.

>> ONE TO DO IT AND ELEVEN TO

SAY SO INSPIRING.

THE GUY WITH CANCER GOES TO THE

HOTTEST NIGHTCLUB IN HOLLYWOOD

AND THE DOORMAN SAYS GET OUT OF

HERE YOU CAN'T COME IN MY CLUB.

THE GUY SAYS YOU DON'T

UNDERSTAND I HAVE CANCER.

THE DOORMAN SAID I KNOW BUT

YOU'RE ALSO PERSIAN.

WHAT'S BLACK AND WHITE AND WILL

BE RED IN SIX WEEKS?

>> WHAT?

>> YOUR WILL.

WHAT YOUR NAME?

>> CHRIS.

>> WHAT TYPE OF CANCER DO YOU

HAVE?

>> BRAIN CANCER.

IT'S CALLED ANOTHER NAME.

>> CAN YOU SPELL THAT?

>> I DOUBT IT.

>> COULD IT SPELL IT BEFORE YOU

HAD BRAIN CANCER?

DO YOU HAVE CANCER?

>> I START CHEMO TUESDAY?

>> THEY SAID CHEMO MONEY, CHEMO

PROBLEMS.

WHAT TYPE OF CANCER.

>> CANCER.

>> THAT'S THE HARDEST NAME.

HAVING TO REMEMBER ALL THAT

STUFF.

THAT'S TOUGH.

BEST OF LUCK TO YOU.

TO ALL OF YOU.

>> THANK YOU.

>> THAT WAS SARCASTIC.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> THAT WAS GREAT AND NO HARM

DONE.

PLUS, GUESS WHAT, IT'S TIME FOR

PANELS.

THE PANEL THAT'S JUST LIKE

CHELSEA LATELY ONLY BETTER

BECAUSE ARE YOU [BLEEP]ING

KIDDING ME.

PLEASE WELCOME THE FAMOUS AZIZ

ANSARI FROM PARKS AND REC.

AND FROM HER RECENT COMEDY

CENTRAL SPECIAL MOSTLY SEX

STUFF, MOI FAVORITE, AMY

SCHUMER.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING

HERE, GUYS.

AZIZ, I JUST HAD A GREAT

INTERVIEW AND I HAVE A GREAT

QUOTE

I CAN TO A TED TALK ON DICK

PHOTOS AFTER THEY'LL RESEARCH

I'VE DONE.

>> IT'S TRUE.

ON MY LAST TOUR I HAD A BIT

ABOUT DICK PHOTOS AND I WOULD DO

A SURVEY.

CLAP IF YOU'RE A WOMAN IN THE

AUDIENCE.

>> THAT'S A GREAT SURVEY.

>> OKAY.

NOW CLAP IF A GUY HAS SENT YOU A

DICK PHOTO BEFORE.

ISN'T THAT WAY HIGHER THAN YOU

THOUGHT IT WOULD BE?

IT'S THAT HIGH EVERYWHERE.

I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE LIKE 30%.

IT'S LIKE 70%.

EVERYWHERE.

>> NOW CLAP IF IT WAS AZIZ THAT

SENT YOU THE PHOTO

NOW LET'S GET INTO IT WITH THE

BEST-WORSE THING OF THE WEEK OF

OF ALL THE AWFUL NEWS STORY'S

THIS IS MY FAVORITE.

LAST WEEK THERE THERE WAS A

MANIAC COP LOOSE IN LOS ANGELES,

ACTUALLY THERE'S STILL THOUS AND

THE BUT CHRISTOPHER DORNER HAD A

MANIFESTO AND HIS BIGGEST

VENDETTA WAS AGAINST THE COMMA.

DID YOU READ THE MANIFESTO?

>> IT WAS THE LONGEST THING I

READ IN MY LIFE.

>> LIKE A PAGE, PAGE AND A HALF.

>> YES.

YEAH.

SORRY, MENSA MEMBERS IN THE

AUDIENCE TODAY.

>> I WONDER IF HE SHOWED IT TO

FRIENDS BEFORE LIKE WHAT DO YOU

THINK?

THINK THERE'S PARTS I CAN LOSE.

TOO LONG?

>> NO, IT'S GOOD, ALL GOOD.

>> OTHER THAN THE MURDERING AND

ALL THE STUFF WHEN HE GETS TO

THE TV SHOWS I'M LIKE DOESN'T

SEEM LIKE A BAD DUDE.

I DON'T KNOW.

>> I UNDERSTAND.

LIKE WE ALL HAD A COP FANTASY

WHEN HE PULLS YOU OVER AND

YOU'RE MAD BUT THEN HE STARTS

TAKING OFF HIS UNIFORM SLOW TO A

BOYS TO MEN SONG AND THEN HE

BRUSH YOURS HAIR OUT OF YOUR

FACE --

>> AMY, YOU'RE ON MY TV SHOW.

YOU NEED TO FOCUS UP.

>> SORRY.

>> UP NEXT IS THE WORSE, WORSE

THING OF THE WEEK.

THE TERRIBLE STORY LIKE LAST ONE

BUT ONLY WORSE.

THE FORMER NAVY SEAL WHO KILLED

OSAMA BIN LADEN IS NOW DIFFER DIVORCED,

BROKE AND UNEMPLOYED AND THE

GOVERNMENT DOESN'T CARE BUT ON

THE PLUS SIDE HE HASN'T KILLED

HIMSELF YET.

>> I DIDN'T KNOW THAT.

THAT'S DEPRESS.

IT'S IRONIC BECAUSE HE'S GOING

TO END UP WITH A HOMELESS BEARD

AND ARMY JACKET LIKE LIVING

UNDER A BRIDGE LIKE --

>> I READ THE ARTICLE THE

INTERVIEW WITH HIM AND ONE THING

THAT'S INTERESTING IS THEY WERE

TALKING ABOUT WHEN THEY'RE GOING

ON THE RAID AND STUFF AND WHEN

THEY TALKED ABOUT OSAMA BIN

LADEN THEY SAID OSAMA BIN LADEN.

>> SORRY, GUYS, I MET HIM.

>> YOU DON'T KNOW HIM LIKE I

KNOW HIM.

HE'S DIFFERENT WHEN HE'S NOT

AROUND HIS FRIENDS.

IF HE WANTS A JOB HE CAN SHOOT

ALL OVER MY BEARDED MAN IN A

CAVE ANYTIME.

[LAUGHTER]

>> I THOUGHT OF THE BEST JOB FOR

HIM.

AMY, LET'S DO A LITTLE ROLE

PLAY.

HEY, I'M GOING A FUN CLUB LATER

ON WANT TO COME?

>> DON'T KNOW.

>> WHAT IF I TOLD THE GUY THAT

KILLED OSAMA BIN LADEN IS IS

DEEJAYING --

>> WHAT?

CAN PUT US ON THE LIST?

>> OF COURSE.

>> OKAY.

>> MEET THE PANEL.

MEET PANEL LONG TIME.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE

PANEL.

>> WELCOME BACK, KIDS.

THAT PANEL IN YOUR PANTS OR ARE

YOU PANEL TO SEE ME?

TIME FOR MORE PANEL AND CONTINUE

WITH THE JONBENET RAMSEY

MEMORIAL SEGMENT.

WHERE CHILDREN THE FUTURE BUT

PARENTS THE STARS.

MOM, YOU'RE EMBARRASSING ME IN

FRONT OF THEARIAN NATION.

A 58 WOMAN IS UNDER ARREST FOR

PASSING HER SON OXYCODONE IN

PRISSON VIA OPEN-MOUTH KISS.

>> OH, NO.

>> THEY REALLY LOOK A LOT ALIKE.

>> THE PRISONER LOST CONJUGAL

VISITS WITH HIS MOTHER.

>> LOOKS LIKE THEY TOOK THE

PHOTO RIGHT AFTER THEY DID.

COME OVER HERE.

LIKE YOU JUST SHOWED ME AND SAID

WHAT DID THEY DO I WOULD BE LIKE

LOOKED LIKE THE WOMAN MADE OUT

WITH HER SON.

>> THAT'S MAKES ME MOM.

MY MOM NEVER PUT OUT NOT EVEN

ONCE.

>> NOW IT'S TIME FOR LATINO

VOICES.

AMY, HAVE YOU BEEN WATCHING

SEASON TWO OF GIRLS?

>> THE WORSE -- THE WORSE.

>> WHAT DO YOU THINK OF SEASON

SO FAR AND WHERE DO YOU SEE

HANNAH GOING IN THE NEXT TWO

EPISODES.

>> OKAY SO LIKE I REALLY ENJOY

SEASON ONE BUT I THOUGHT BRIAN

WILLIAMS DAUGHTER SEEMED LIKE A

BITCH BUT IT TURNS OUT SHE'S NOT

SO BAD.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

SHE SEEMS OKAY.

>> AZIZ, CAN YOU GIVE ME

DIRECTIONS TO THE AIRPORT FROM

HERE?

>> I WOULD JUST GO STRAIGHT DOWN

LA CIENEGA ALL THE WAY DOWN AS

LONG AS THERE'S NOT A LOT OF

TRAFFIC.

THERE'S A NICE IN N OUT RIGHT

NEAR LAX.

>> AND THAT WAS LATINO VOICES.

[ ALL WITH ACCENTS ]

>> NOW LET'S WRAP THIS BABY UP

AND THROW IT IN THE RIVER.

IT'S TIME FOR DEFENDING YOUR

TWEETS.

YOU TWEET IT AND I'M GOING READ

IT AND TELL YOU DEFEND IN FRONT

OF ALL THESE PEOPLE.

AMY, AUGUST 28 YOU TWEETED,

LADIES, SURPRISE A GUY AND GET A

TEMP TATTOO AND YOUR STOMACH AND

DON'T TELL HIM ANYTHING HE

FINISHES THERE.

HASHTAG, INTERESTING.

DEFEND YOUR TWEET.

>> IN MY DEFENSE I WAS IN A

REALLY GREAT PLACE IN MY LIFE

AND I WAS JUST RIDDLED WITH

GREAT IDEAS AND LOUSY WITH

CLARITY.

>> OKAY.

OKAY.

I STAND BY THIS GREAT IDEA.

>> I THAT'S A STRONG DEFENSE

I WOULDN'T HAVE EXPECTED

ANYTHING LESS.

AZIZ ON DECEMBER 9 YOU TWEETED

THE FOLLOWING, TORTAS, TORTAS,

TORTAS, TORTAS, TORTAS, TORTAS,

TORTAS, TORTAS, TORTAS, TORTAS.

AZIZ, DEFEND YOUR TWEET.

>> I DON'T KNOW EXACTLY WHAT THE

SITUATION WAS BUT I'M GOING

GUESS I JUST ATE A REALLY

DELICIOUS TORTA.

>> WOW.

GREAT DEFENSE.

GREAT DEFENSE.

>> IF THERE'S ANYONE HERE FROM

THE HALLMARK CHANNEL THAT WANTS

TO OPTION THAT --

>> THERE ARE PEOPLE LIKE THAT

HERE.

THANKS FOR BEING HERE ON MY

FIRST SHOW.

I REALLY APPRECIATE.

WATCH AZIZ ON PARK AND REC

THURSDAY NIGHTS AT 8:30 AND LOOK

OUT FOR AMY INSIDE HER SERIES

INSIDE AMY SCHUMER ON COMEDY

CENTRAL.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH THE

BEST MOMENTS FROM TONIGHT'S

SHOW.

>> WELL, THAT WAS OUR FIRST SHOW

AND WE NAILED IT.

THANKS TO AMY SCHUMER AND AZIZ

ANSARI.

SEE ME LIVE AT THE MIRAGE AND

TWEET ME AND ON THE BLOG

CC.COM/JESELNIK.

SEE YOU NEXT WEEK BUT BEFORE WE

GO LET'S LOOK BACK AT THE BEST

MOMENTS FROM TONIGHT'S SHOW.

>> WOMEN BE SHOPPING.

WOMEN BE SHOPPING.

WOMEN BE SHOPPING.

OH, BOY.

AH, MEMORIES.

GOOD NIGHT KIDS.

GO READ A BOOK.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> IF SOMEONE COMES TO YOU WITH

LUNG CANCER AFTER YEARS OF

SMOKING CIGARETTES ARE YOU EVER

JUST LIKE, DUH, DUH, DUH, DUH,

DUH.

EVER DO THAT?

>> NO, I DON'T DO THAT.

>> DUH.