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[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
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[♪♪♪]
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>> THANK YOU.
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WELCOME TO THE "JESELNIK
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OFFENSIVE."
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I'VE
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I'VE ANTHONY JESELNIK.
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HOW YOU KIDS DOING TONIGHT?
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FANTASTIC.
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WE HAVE AMY SCHUMER AND AZIZ
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ANSARI ARE HERE.
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ONE OF WHOM I SLEEP WITH AND THE
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OTHER ONE, WELL, WE JUST MAKE
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OUT.
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BEFORE ALL THAT A LOT OF
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HORRIBLE THINGS HAPPENED THIS
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WEEK.
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I DON'T KNOW WHY.
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I GUESS WE'RE JUST LUCKY.
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[LAUGHTER]
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>> EVERYONE IS STILL TALKING
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ABOUT AMERICA'S SWEETHEART,
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CHRISTOPHER DORNER.
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[LAUGHTER]
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[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
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>> Tosh: YEAH,
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>> YEAH, I LOVE THAT GUY.
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POLICE WERE FINALLY ABLE TO STOP
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DORNER'S RAMPAGE AFTER THEY
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CORNERED HIM IN A CABIN IN BIG
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BEAR.
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IRONICALLY COPS WERE ALREADY IN
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THE AREA SHOOTING UP A CABIN
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FULL OF ASIAN WOMEN.
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[LAUGHTER]
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>> MORE BIG NEWS, POPE BENEDICT
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ANNOUNCED HE'S STEPPING DOWN AT
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THE END OF THE MONTH.
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YEAH.
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WHEN ASKED WHAT HE'LL MISS MOST
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ABOUT BEING POPE BENEDICT
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REPLIED, THAT'S A TOUGH ONE
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I LOVE THE HATS.
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[LAUGHTER]
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>> I'M GOING TO HAVE TO GO WITH
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KEEPING CONDOMS OUT OF AFRICA.
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I MEAN, YOU GUYS HAVE HEARD OF
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AIDS, RIGHT?
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[LAUGHTER]
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>> ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY.
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PUT YOUR HEAD BETWEEN YOUR LEGS
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AND KISS YOUR ASS GOOD-BYE.
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NORTH KOREA PISSED OFF THE WORLD
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BY TESTING ANOTHER NUCLEAR BOMB
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AND IT BRINGS THEM ONE STEP
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CLOSER TO A BOMB WE'LL DROP ON
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KOREA.
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THIS IS KIND OF TRAGIC.
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MARK BELELO ONE OF THE STARS OF
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A&E'S STORAGE WARS COMMITTED
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SUICIDE BY LEAVING HIS CAR ON
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WITH THE GARAGE DOOR CLOSE.
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WHEN THEY OPENED IT THEY FOUND
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-- VIEW YOU'LL HAVE TO WATCH.
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THEY CITY OF MEMPHIS IS NAME A
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PARK OF THE KU KLUX KLAN FOUNDER
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NATHAN BEDFORD FORREST.
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SORRY, I WAS WAITING FOR YOUR
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APPLAUSE.
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[LAUGHTER]
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>> THE CITY SPENT YEARS DEBATING
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A NAME CHANGE BUT IT'S NOT THE
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FIRST TIME BEDFORD FORREST HAS
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LEFT PEOPLE HANGING.
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[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
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LET'S GET INTO THIS ONE.
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A GUN SHOP IN DETROIT AGREED TO
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STOP SELLING TARGETS THAT LOOK
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LIKE OSAMA BIN LADEN AFTER
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MEETING WITH MEMBERS OF THE
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COUNCIL OF AMERICAN COUNCIL
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RELATIONS.
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INSTEAD THEY'LL NOW START
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SELLING TARGETS THAT LOOK LIKE
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THE MEMBERS OF THE MEMBERS OF
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THE COUNCIL FOR AMERICAN
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RELATIONS.
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LAST WEEK SINGER CHRIS BROWN
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TOTAL HIS PORSCHE 911 IN BEVERLY
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HILLS.
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COMES AS NO SURPRISE TO ME.
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CHRIS BROWN LOVES THAT CAR.
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[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
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WELL, THAT WAS A GREAT
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MONOLOGUE.
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LET'S SEE WHAT THEY'RE SAYING
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ABOUT IT ON TWITTER.
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[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
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.
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>> AND SPEAKING OF AWESOME,
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FASHION.
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IT'S EVERYWHERE.
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YOU CAN'T GET AWAY FROM IT.
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NO TWO PEOPLE EVER SEEM TO WEAR
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IT THE SAME.
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LET'S TAKE A PEEK AT SIMILAR
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BOOKS AND
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LOOKS AND WHO WORE IT BETTER.
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FIRST KATE WINSLET OR MARIAH
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CAREY.
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KATE LOOKS LIKE THE BELL OF THE
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BALL AND MARIAH IS LOOKING FOR
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FASHION IN ALL THE WRONG PLACE.
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UP NEXT, IT DOESN'T GET ANY
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EASIER.
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[LAUGHTER]
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PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA OR THE
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VIRGINIA TECH KILLER.
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[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
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>> PRESIDENT OBAMA LOOKS LIKE
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THE BELL OF THE BALL.
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[LAUGHTER]
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WHILE THE VIRGINIA TECH KILLER
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LOOKS LIKE HE'LL SPEND ANOTHER
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NIGHT ALONE IN HIS DORM.
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[LAUGHTER]
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NOW LET'S LOOK AT GUY FIERI OR
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THIS TIBETAN MONK.
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[APPLAUSE]
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TIBETAN MONK LIKES THE BELL OF
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THE BALL AND GUY FIERI LOOKS
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LIKE HE SHOULD KILL HIMSELF IN
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PUBLIC.
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NEXT WE HAVE PROGERIA KID OR
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HAIRLESS CAT.
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PROGERIA KID LOOKS LIKE THE BELL
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OF THE BALL.
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WHILE HAIRLESS CAT IS SUPPOSED
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TO LOOK LIKE THAT.
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HERE'S A TOUGH ONE.
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LUCILLE BALL OR JAMES HOLMES.
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LUCY LOOKS LIKE THE BELL OF THE
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BALL.
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WHILE JAMES HOLMES LOOKS LIKE
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HE'S GOT SOME SPLAIN'N TO DO.
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AND THAT WAS WHO WORE IT BETTER.
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[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
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.
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WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MUCH
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MUCH WORSE AND AMY SCHUMER AND
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MUCH WORSE AND AMY SCHUMER AND
AZIZ ANSARI.
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AZIZ ANSARI.
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[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
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>> WELCOME BACK TO THE "JESELNIK
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OFFENSIVE."
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VICTORIA SECRET IS CONSIDERING
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MAKING A SPECIAL BRA
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SPECIFICALLY FOR BREAST CANCER
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SURVIVORS.
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IT'S THE PERFECT GIFT FOR THE
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WOMAN WHO USED TO HAVE
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EVERYTHING.
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[LAUGHTER]
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>> NOW OBVIOUSLY CANCER IS A
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VERY SENSITIVE TOPIC AND WHEN A
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TOPIC IS TOO SENSITIVE TO JOKE
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ABOUT WE MAKE A BUNCH OF JOKES
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ABOUT IT IN A SEGMENT WE LIKE TO
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CALL SACRED COW.
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THIS WEEK WE CHOSE CANCER.
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IS CANCER FUNNY?
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I DON'T KNOW.
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I'M NOT A DOCTOR.
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SO I WENT TO GO MAKE FUN OF A
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DOCTOR.
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WHAT'S THE BEST PART OF BEING AN
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ONCOLOGIST, ALWAYS MEETING NEW
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PEOPLE?
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>> I THINK IT'S BEING A VERY
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SUPPORTIVE PERSON FOR SOMEONE
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WHO HAS A LIFE-THREATENING
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ILLNESS.
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>> I GUESS EVEN IF YOU HAVE A
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PATIENT YOU DON'T LIKE YOU NEVER
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GET SICK OF THEM.
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WHAT'S THE MOST AMUSING CANCER.
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>> WELL, IT'S A VERY SERIOUS
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TOPIC.
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>> I WOULD HAVE SAID ANAL
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CANCER.
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YES.
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I DID.
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I SAID IT.
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>> HUH.
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>> WHAT'S WORSE, PROSTATE CANCER
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HERE TO TEST FOR PROSTATE
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CANCER.
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>> PROSTATE CANCER.
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>> WRONG AGAIN.
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OKAY.
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LET'S ROLE PLAY.
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>> OKAY.
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>> TELL ME I HAVE CANCER.
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>> ANTHONY, THE TEST SHOWED THAT
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YOU HAVE CANCER.
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>> YOU HAVE CANCER.
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>> NO, YOU DO.
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>> YOU DO.
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>> I THINK YOU'RE WRONG.
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>>I JUST LOOKED AT THE RESULTS.
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YOUR RIDDLE WITH CANCER.
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NOW DOCTOR, ARE YOU ACTIVELY
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SEARCHING FOR THE CURE FOR
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CANCER RIGHT NOW?
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>> NOT ACTIVELY ACTIVELY BUT I SPEND ALL
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DAY LONG TRYING TO GET THEM
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CURED OF THEIR CANCER.
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>> NOT ACTIVELY LOOKING FOR THE
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CURE FOR CANCER.
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PUT THAT ON YOUR YELLP REVIEW.
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WASTING A CANCER DOCTOR'S TIME
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SURE WAS FUN AND NOW TIME TO DO
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IT STANDUP FOR A CANCER SUPPORT
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GROUP.
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HOW MANY CANCER PATIENTS DOES IT
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TAKE TO SCREW IN A LIGHT BULB?
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>> HOW MANY.
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>> ONE TO DO IT AND ELEVEN TO
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SAY SO INSPIRING.
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THE GUY WITH CANCER GOES TO THE
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HOTTEST NIGHTCLUB IN HOLLYWOOD
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AND THE DOORMAN SAYS GET OUT OF
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HERE YOU CAN'T COME IN MY CLUB.
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THE GUY SAYS YOU DON'T
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UNDERSTAND I HAVE CANCER.
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THE DOORMAN SAID I KNOW BUT
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YOU'RE ALSO PERSIAN.
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WHAT'S BLACK AND WHITE AND WILL
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BE RED IN SIX WEEKS?
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>> WHAT?
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>> YOUR WILL.
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WHAT YOUR NAME?
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>> CHRIS.
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>> WHAT TYPE OF CANCER DO YOU
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HAVE?
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>> BRAIN CANCER.
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IT'S CALLED ANOTHER NAME.
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>> CAN YOU SPELL THAT?
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>> I DOUBT IT.
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>> COULD IT SPELL IT BEFORE YOU
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HAD BRAIN CANCER?
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DO YOU HAVE CANCER?
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>> I START CHEMO TUESDAY?
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>> THEY SAID CHEMO MONEY, CHEMO
255
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PROBLEMS.
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WHAT TYPE OF CANCER.
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>> CANCER.
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>> THAT'S THE HARDEST NAME.
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HAVING TO REMEMBER ALL THAT
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STUFF.
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THAT'S TOUGH.
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BEST OF LUCK TO YOU.
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TO ALL OF YOU.
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>> THANK YOU.
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>> THAT WAS SARCASTIC.
266
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[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
267
00:10:29,007 --> 00:10:30,107
>> THAT WAS GREAT AND NO HARM
268
00:10:30,112 --> 00:10:32,012
DONE.
269
00:10:32,010 --> 00:10:34,630
PLUS, GUESS WHAT, IT'S TIME FOR
270
00:10:34,634 --> 00:10:35,224
PANELS.
271
00:10:35,220 --> 00:10:38,120
THE PANEL THAT'S JUST LIKE
272
00:10:38,120 --> 00:10:41,120
CHELSEA LATELY ONLY BETTER
273
00:10:41,123 --> 00:10:42,263
BECAUSE ARE YOU [BLEEP]ING
274
00:10:42,262 --> 00:10:43,132
KIDDING ME.
275
00:10:43,125 --> 00:10:48,365
PLEASE WELCOME THE FAMOUS AZIZ
276
00:10:48,371 --> 00:10:50,371
ANSARI FROM PARKS AND REC.
277
00:10:50,373 --> 00:10:53,383
AND FROM HER RECENT COMEDY
278
00:10:53,376 --> 00:10:55,096
CENTRAL SPECIAL MOSTLY SEX
279
00:10:55,102 --> 00:10:56,352
STUFF, MOI FAVORITE, AMY
280
00:10:56,345 --> 00:11:03,385
SCHUMER.
281
00:11:03,386 --> 00:11:04,906
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING
282
00:11:04,905 --> 00:11:07,765
HERE, GUYS.
283
00:11:07,770 --> 00:11:09,670
AZIZ, I JUST HAD A GREAT
284
00:11:09,669 --> 00:11:12,259
INTERVIEW AND I HAVE A GREAT
285
00:11:12,257 --> 00:11:12,707
QUOTE
286
00:11:12,706 --> 00:11:15,326
I CAN TO A TED TALK ON DICK
287
00:11:15,329 --> 00:11:16,569
PHOTOS AFTER THEY'LL RESEARCH
288
00:11:16,572 --> 00:11:17,022
I'VE DONE.
289
00:11:17,021 --> 00:11:18,851
>> IT'S TRUE.
290
00:11:18,850 --> 00:11:21,440
ON MY LAST TOUR I HAD A BIT
291
00:11:21,439 --> 00:11:23,099
ABOUT DICK PHOTOS AND I WOULD DO
292
00:11:23,096 --> 00:11:23,786
A SURVEY.
293
00:11:23,786 --> 00:11:26,996
CLAP IF YOU'RE A WOMAN IN THE
294
00:11:26,996 --> 00:11:27,576
AUDIENCE.
295
00:11:27,583 --> 00:11:29,003
>> THAT'S A GREAT SURVEY.
296
00:11:28,998 --> 00:11:29,928
>> OKAY.
297
00:11:29,930 --> 00:11:33,730
NOW CLAP IF A GUY HAS SENT YOU A
298
00:11:33,727 --> 00:11:34,937
DICK PHOTO BEFORE.
299
00:11:34,935 --> 00:11:37,075
ISN'T THAT WAY HIGHER THAN YOU
300
00:11:37,075 --> 00:11:38,765
THOUGHT IT WOULD BE?
301
00:11:38,767 --> 00:11:40,007
IT'S THAT HIGH EVERYWHERE.
302
00:11:40,009 --> 00:11:42,359
I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE LIKE 30%.
303
00:11:42,356 --> 00:11:48,286
IT'S LIKE 70%.
304
00:11:48,293 --> 00:11:49,263
EVERYWHERE.
305
00:11:49,260 --> 00:11:53,130
>> NOW CLAP IF IT WAS AZIZ THAT
306
00:11:53,126 --> 00:11:54,196
SENT YOU THE PHOTO
307
00:11:54,196 --> 00:11:56,606
NOW LET'S GET INTO IT WITH THE
308
00:11:56,612 --> 00:11:58,652
BEST-WORSE THING OF THE WEEK OF
309
00:11:58,648 --> 00:12:04,068
OF ALL THE AWFUL NEWS STORY'S
310
00:12:04,068 --> 00:12:06,138
THIS IS MY FAVORITE.
311
00:12:06,139 --> 00:12:09,729
LAST WEEK THERE THERE WAS A
312
00:12:09,729 --> 00:12:12,659
MANIAC COP LOOSE IN LOS ANGELES,
313
00:12:12,662 --> 00:12:14,492
ACTUALLY THERE'S STILL THOUS AND
314
00:12:14,492 --> 00:12:17,602
THE BUT CHRISTOPHER DORNER HAD A
315
00:12:17,598 --> 00:12:19,218
MANIFESTO AND HIS BIGGEST
316
00:12:19,221 --> 00:12:21,601
VENDETTA WAS AGAINST THE COMMA.
317
00:12:21,602 --> 00:12:23,162
DID YOU READ THE MANIFESTO?
318
00:12:23,156 --> 00:12:24,606
>> IT WAS THE LONGEST THING I
319
00:12:24,605 --> 00:12:25,675
READ IN MY LIFE.
320
00:12:25,675 --> 00:12:27,845
>> LIKE A PAGE, PAGE AND A HALF.
321
00:12:27,850 --> 00:12:28,330
>> YES.
322
00:12:28,333 --> 00:12:30,783
YEAH.
323
00:12:30,784 --> 00:12:32,484
SORRY, MENSA MEMBERS IN THE
324
00:12:32,475 --> 00:12:33,365
AUDIENCE TODAY.
325
00:12:33,373 --> 00:12:38,273
>> I WONDER IF HE SHOWED IT TO
326
00:12:38,274 --> 00:12:40,934
FRIENDS BEFORE LIKE WHAT DO YOU
327
00:12:40,932 --> 00:12:41,482
THINK?
328
00:12:41,484 --> 00:12:42,874
THINK THERE'S PARTS I CAN LOSE.
329
00:12:42,865 --> 00:12:43,555
TOO LONG?
330
00:12:43,555 --> 00:12:45,205
>> NO, IT'S GOOD, ALL GOOD.
331
00:12:45,212 --> 00:12:47,532
>> OTHER THAN THE MURDERING AND
332
00:12:47,525 --> 00:12:48,795
ALL THE STUFF WHEN HE GETS TO
333
00:12:48,802 --> 00:12:50,492
THE TV SHOWS I'M LIKE DOESN'T
334
00:12:50,493 --> 00:12:51,773
SEEM LIKE A BAD DUDE.
335
00:12:51,771 --> 00:12:52,771
I DON'T KNOW.
336
00:12:52,772 --> 00:12:54,772
>> I UNDERSTAND.
337
00:12:54,774 --> 00:12:58,994
LIKE WE ALL HAD A COP FANTASY
338
00:12:58,985 --> 00:13:00,495
WHEN HE PULLS YOU OVER AND
339
00:13:00,503 --> 00:13:02,783
YOU'RE MAD BUT THEN HE STARTS
340
00:13:02,782 --> 00:13:05,922
TAKING OFF HIS UNIFORM SLOW TO A
341
00:13:05,923 --> 00:13:09,863
BOYS TO MEN SONG AND THEN HE
342
00:13:09,858 --> 00:13:11,928
BRUSH YOURS HAIR OUT OF YOUR
343
00:13:11,929 --> 00:13:12,339
FACE --
344
00:13:12,343 --> 00:13:14,523
>> AMY, YOU'RE ON MY TV SHOW.
345
00:13:14,517 --> 00:13:16,657
YOU NEED TO FOCUS UP.
346
00:13:16,657 --> 00:13:17,557
>> SORRY.
347
00:13:17,555 --> 00:13:19,205
>> UP NEXT IS THE WORSE, WORSE
348
00:13:19,212 --> 00:13:21,042
THING OF THE WEEK.
349
00:13:21,041 --> 00:13:24,181
THE TERRIBLE STORY LIKE LAST ONE
350
00:13:24,182 --> 00:13:25,942
BUT ONLY WORSE.
351
00:13:25,943 --> 00:13:29,023
THE FORMER NAVY SEAL WHO KILLED
352
00:13:29,015 --> 00:13:34,155
OSAMA BIN LADEN IS NOW DIFFER DIVORCED,
353
00:13:34,158 --> 00:13:35,638
BROKE AND UNEMPLOYED AND THE
354
00:13:35,642 --> 00:13:36,952
GOVERNMENT DOESN'T CARE BUT ON
355
00:13:36,954 --> 00:13:38,784
THE PLUS SIDE HE HASN'T KILLED
356
00:13:38,783 --> 00:13:39,963
HIMSELF YET.
357
00:13:39,957 --> 00:13:41,297
>> I DIDN'T KNOW THAT.
358
00:13:41,303 --> 00:13:43,653
THAT'S DEPRESS.
359
00:13:43,650 --> 00:13:45,790
IT'S IRONIC BECAUSE HE'S GOING
360
00:13:45,790 --> 00:13:48,830
TO END UP WITH A HOMELESS BEARD
361
00:13:48,828 --> 00:13:52,308
AND ARMY JACKET LIKE LIVING
362
00:13:52,314 --> 00:13:53,804
UNDER A BRIDGE LIKE --
363
00:13:53,798 --> 00:13:56,178
>> I READ THE ARTICLE THE
364
00:13:56,180 --> 00:13:57,460
INTERVIEW WITH HIM AND ONE THING
365
00:13:57,457 --> 00:13:58,767
THAT'S INTERESTING IS THEY WERE
366
00:13:58,768 --> 00:14:00,048
TALKING ABOUT WHEN THEY'RE GOING
367
00:14:00,046 --> 00:14:01,556
ON THE RAID AND STUFF AND WHEN
368
00:14:01,564 --> 00:14:07,744
THEY TALKED ABOUT OSAMA BIN
369
00:14:07,743 --> 00:14:19,693
LADEN THEY SAID OSAMA BIN LADEN.
370
00:14:19,686 --> 00:14:21,376
>> SORRY, GUYS, I MET HIM.
371
00:14:21,377 --> 00:14:22,997
>> YOU DON'T KNOW HIM LIKE I
372
00:14:23,000 --> 00:14:23,790
KNOW HIM.
373
00:14:23,793 --> 00:14:24,933
HE'S DIFFERENT WHEN HE'S NOT
374
00:14:24,933 --> 00:14:26,763
AROUND HIS FRIENDS.
375
00:14:26,762 --> 00:14:28,732
IF HE WANTS A JOB HE CAN SHOOT
376
00:14:28,729 --> 00:14:31,459
ALL OVER MY BEARDED MAN IN A
377
00:14:31,456 --> 00:14:33,216
CAVE ANYTIME.
378
00:14:33,217 --> 00:14:38,497
[LAUGHTER]
379
00:14:38,498 --> 00:14:40,468
>> I THOUGHT OF THE BEST JOB FOR
380
00:14:40,465 --> 00:14:41,355
HIM.
381
00:14:41,363 --> 00:14:43,883
AMY, LET'S DO A LITTLE ROLE
382
00:14:43,883 --> 00:14:44,403
PLAY.
383
00:14:44,400 --> 00:14:45,820
HEY, I'M GOING A FUN CLUB LATER
384
00:14:45,815 --> 00:14:47,225
ON WANT TO COME?
385
00:14:47,231 --> 00:14:48,341
>> DON'T KNOW.
386
00:14:48,335 --> 00:14:50,605
>> WHAT IF I TOLD THE GUY THAT
387
00:14:50,613 --> 00:14:53,243
KILLED OSAMA BIN LADEN IS IS
388
00:14:53,237 --> 00:14:54,027
DEEJAYING --
389
00:14:54,031 --> 00:14:55,001
>> WHAT?
390
00:14:54,997 --> 00:14:56,237
CAN PUT US ON THE LIST?
391
00:14:56,240 --> 00:14:57,480
>> OF COURSE.
392
00:14:57,482 --> 00:14:58,102
>> OKAY.
393
00:14:58,104 --> 00:14:59,664
>> MEET THE PANEL.
394
00:14:59,657 --> 00:15:01,067
MEET PANEL LONG TIME.
395
00:15:01,072 --> 00:15:02,132
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE
396
00:15:02,125 --> 00:15:13,565
PANEL.
397
00:15:13,567 --> 00:15:15,537
>> WELCOME BACK, KIDS.
398
00:15:15,535 --> 00:15:17,875
THAT PANEL IN YOUR PANTS OR ARE
399
00:15:17,882 --> 00:15:20,542
YOU PANEL TO SEE ME?
400
00:15:20,540 --> 00:15:24,030
TIME FOR MORE PANEL AND CONTINUE
401
00:15:24,026 --> 00:15:27,406
WITH THE JONBENET RAMSEY
402
00:15:27,409 --> 00:15:31,409
MEMORIAL SEGMENT.
403
00:15:31,413 --> 00:15:33,243
WHERE CHILDREN THE FUTURE BUT
404
00:15:33,242 --> 00:15:35,592
PARENTS THE STARS.
405
00:15:35,589 --> 00:15:39,899
MOM, YOU'RE EMBARRASSING ME IN
406
00:15:39,904 --> 00:15:42,364
FRONT OF THEARIAN NATION.
407
00:15:42,355 --> 00:15:45,875
A 58 WOMAN IS UNDER ARREST FOR
408
00:15:45,875 --> 00:15:48,635
PASSING HER SON OXYCODONE IN
409
00:15:48,637 --> 00:15:51,397
PRISSON VIA OPEN-MOUTH KISS.
410
00:15:51,398 --> 00:15:53,088
>> OH, NO.
411
00:15:53,090 --> 00:15:57,750
>> THEY REALLY LOOK A LOT ALIKE.
412
00:15:57,749 --> 00:16:01,339
>> THE PRISONER LOST CONJUGAL
413
00:16:01,339 --> 00:16:02,819
VISITS WITH HIS MOTHER.
414
00:16:02,823 --> 00:16:06,073
>> LOOKS LIKE THEY TOOK THE
415
00:16:06,068 --> 00:16:08,308
PHOTO RIGHT AFTER THEY DID.
416
00:16:08,312 --> 00:16:09,522
COME OVER HERE.
417
00:16:09,520 --> 00:16:12,730
LIKE YOU JUST SHOWED ME AND SAID
418
00:16:12,730 --> 00:16:17,010
WHAT DID THEY DO I WOULD BE LIKE
419
00:16:17,010 --> 00:16:18,910
LOOKED LIKE THE WOMAN MADE OUT
420
00:16:18,908 --> 00:16:20,288
WITH HER SON.
421
00:16:20,289 --> 00:16:22,529
>> THAT'S MAKES ME MOM.
422
00:16:22,533 --> 00:16:25,293
MY MOM NEVER PUT OUT NOT EVEN
423
00:16:25,294 --> 00:16:25,814
ONCE.
424
00:16:25,812 --> 00:16:26,992
>> NOW IT'S TIME FOR LATINO
425
00:16:26,986 --> 00:16:35,236
VOICES.
426
00:16:35,235 --> 00:16:37,065
AMY, HAVE YOU BEEN WATCHING
427
00:16:37,065 --> 00:16:44,895
SEASON TWO OF GIRLS?
428
00:16:44,900 --> 00:16:47,110
>> THE WORSE -- THE WORSE.
429
00:16:47,109 --> 00:16:48,589
>> WHAT DO YOU THINK OF SEASON
430
00:16:48,593 --> 00:16:50,533
SO FAR AND WHERE DO YOU SEE
431
00:16:50,526 --> 00:16:51,796
HANNAH GOING IN THE NEXT TWO
432
00:16:51,803 --> 00:16:56,603
EPISODES.
433
00:16:56,601 --> 00:17:01,681
>> OKAY SO LIKE I REALLY ENJOY
434
00:17:01,675 --> 00:17:04,325
SEASON ONE BUT I THOUGHT BRIAN
435
00:17:04,333 --> 00:17:07,303
WILLIAMS DAUGHTER SEEMED LIKE A
436
00:17:07,302 --> 00:17:09,132
BITCH BUT IT TURNS OUT SHE'S NOT
437
00:17:09,131 --> 00:17:10,131
SO BAD.
438
00:17:10,132 --> 00:17:11,172
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
439
00:17:11,168 --> 00:17:13,308
SHE SEEMS OKAY.
440
00:17:13,308 --> 00:17:15,518
>> AZIZ, CAN YOU GIVE ME
441
00:17:15,517 --> 00:17:16,727
DIRECTIONS TO THE AIRPORT FROM
442
00:17:16,725 --> 00:17:18,485
HERE?
443
00:17:18,485 --> 00:17:23,655
>> I WOULD JUST GO STRAIGHT DOWN
444
00:17:23,663 --> 00:17:28,223
LA CIENEGA ALL THE WAY DOWN AS
445
00:17:28,219 --> 00:17:30,569
LONG AS THERE'S NOT A LOT OF
446
00:17:30,566 --> 00:17:31,076
TRAFFIC.
447
00:17:31,084 --> 00:17:34,544
THERE'S A NICE IN N OUT RIGHT
448
00:17:34,536 --> 00:17:35,566
NEAR LAX.
449
00:17:35,571 --> 00:17:42,961
>> AND THAT WAS LATINO VOICES.
450
00:17:42,958 --> 00:17:44,928
[ ALL WITH ACCENTS ]
451
00:17:44,925 --> 00:17:46,505
>> NOW LET'S WRAP THIS BABY UP
452
00:17:46,513 --> 00:17:47,863
AND THROW IT IN THE RIVER.
453
00:17:47,859 --> 00:17:48,759
IT'S TIME FOR DEFENDING YOUR
454
00:17:48,757 --> 00:17:51,237
TWEETS.
455
00:17:51,242 --> 00:17:54,422
YOU TWEET IT AND I'M GOING READ
456
00:17:54,418 --> 00:17:56,078
IT AND TELL YOU DEFEND IN FRONT
457
00:17:56,075 --> 00:17:57,965
OF ALL THESE PEOPLE.
458
00:17:57,973 --> 00:18:01,463
AMY, AUGUST 28 YOU TWEETED,
459
00:18:01,459 --> 00:18:06,429
LADIES, SURPRISE A GUY AND GET A
460
00:18:06,430 --> 00:18:09,300
TEMP TATTOO AND YOUR STOMACH AND
461
00:18:09,295 --> 00:18:12,815
DON'T TELL HIM ANYTHING HE
462
00:18:12,815 --> 00:18:15,395
FINISHES THERE.
463
00:18:15,404 --> 00:18:16,824
HASHTAG, INTERESTING.
464
00:18:16,819 --> 00:18:17,819
DEFEND YOUR TWEET.
465
00:18:17,820 --> 00:18:19,440
>> IN MY DEFENSE I WAS IN A
466
00:18:19,443 --> 00:18:21,273
REALLY GREAT PLACE IN MY LIFE
467
00:18:21,272 --> 00:18:24,932
AND I WAS JUST RIDDLED WITH
468
00:18:24,931 --> 00:18:25,861
GREAT IDEAS AND LOUSY WITH
469
00:18:25,863 --> 00:18:27,763
CLARITY.
470
00:18:27,761 --> 00:18:28,311
>> OKAY.
471
00:18:28,314 --> 00:18:32,354
OKAY.
472
00:18:32,352 --> 00:18:34,422
I STAND BY THIS GREAT IDEA.
473
00:18:34,423 --> 00:18:36,813
>> I THAT'S A STRONG DEFENSE
474
00:18:36,805 --> 00:18:38,255
I WOULDN'T HAVE EXPECTED
475
00:18:38,255 --> 00:18:39,115
ANYTHING LESS.
476
00:18:39,118 --> 00:18:42,188
AZIZ ON DECEMBER 9 YOU TWEETED
477
00:18:42,190 --> 00:18:44,920
THE FOLLOWING, TORTAS, TORTAS,
478
00:18:44,916 --> 00:18:48,366
TORTAS, TORTAS, TORTAS, TORTAS,
479
00:18:48,368 --> 00:18:53,578
TORTAS, TORTAS, TORTAS, TORTAS.
480
00:18:53,580 --> 00:18:56,140
AZIZ, DEFEND YOUR TWEET.
481
00:18:56,135 --> 00:19:00,065
>> I DON'T KNOW EXACTLY WHAT THE
482
00:19:00,069 --> 00:19:05,179
SITUATION WAS BUT I'M GOING
483
00:19:05,178 --> 00:19:07,348
GUESS I JUST ATE A REALLY
484
00:19:07,353 --> 00:19:10,633
DELICIOUS TORTA.
485
00:19:10,632 --> 00:19:11,322
>> WOW.
486
00:19:11,322 --> 00:19:12,122
GREAT DEFENSE.
487
00:19:12,116 --> 00:19:16,086
GREAT DEFENSE.
488
00:19:16,085 --> 00:19:18,225
>> IF THERE'S ANYONE HERE FROM
489
00:19:18,226 --> 00:19:23,506
THE HALLMARK CHANNEL THAT WANTS
490
00:19:23,507 --> 00:19:25,677
TO OPTION THAT --
491
00:19:25,681 --> 00:19:26,921
>> THERE ARE PEOPLE LIKE THAT
492
00:19:26,924 --> 00:19:27,444
HERE.
493
00:19:27,442 --> 00:19:28,442
THANKS FOR BEING HERE ON MY
494
00:19:28,443 --> 00:19:29,343
FIRST SHOW.
495
00:19:29,340 --> 00:19:31,100
I REALLY APPRECIATE.
496
00:19:31,100 --> 00:19:33,340
WATCH AZIZ ON PARK AND REC
497
00:19:33,344 --> 00:19:36,734
THURSDAY NIGHTS AT 8:30 AND LOOK
498
00:19:36,727 --> 00:19:41,177
OUT FOR AMY INSIDE HER SERIES
499
00:19:41,180 --> 00:19:43,600
INSIDE AMY SCHUMER ON COMEDY
500
00:19:43,596 --> 00:19:44,246
CENTRAL.
501
00:19:44,252 --> 00:19:45,492
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH THE
502
00:19:45,494 --> 00:19:46,414
BEST MOMENTS FROM TONIGHT'S
503
00:19:46,409 --> 00:19:59,889
SHOW.
504
00:19:59,888 --> 00:20:01,918
>> WELL, THAT WAS OUR FIRST SHOW
505
00:20:01,924 --> 00:20:03,444
AND WE NAILED IT.
506
00:20:03,443 --> 00:20:09,353
THANKS TO AMY SCHUMER AND AZIZ
507
00:20:09,346 --> 00:20:09,896
ANSARI.
508
00:20:09,898 --> 00:20:13,348
SEE ME LIVE AT THE MIRAGE AND
509
00:20:13,350 --> 00:20:16,660
TWEET ME AND ON THE BLOG
510
00:20:16,663 --> 00:20:17,323
CC.COM/JESELNIK.
511
00:20:17,319 --> 00:20:20,699
SEE YOU NEXT WEEK BUT BEFORE WE
512
00:20:20,702 --> 00:20:22,222
GO LET'S LOOK BACK AT THE BEST
513
00:20:22,221 --> 00:20:24,331
MOMENTS FROM TONIGHT'S SHOW.
514
00:20:24,326 --> 00:20:26,976
>> WOMEN BE SHOPPING.
515
00:20:26,984 --> 00:20:31,064
WOMEN BE SHOPPING.
516
00:20:31,057 --> 00:20:37,617
WOMEN BE SHOPPING.
517
00:20:37,615 --> 00:20:48,485
OH, BOY.
518
00:20:48,488 --> 00:20:49,458
AH, MEMORIES.
519
00:20:49,455 --> 00:20:50,315
GOOD NIGHT KIDS.
520
00:20:50,318 --> 00:20:52,978
GO READ A BOOK.
521
00:20:52,975 --> 00:21:05,775
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
522
00:21:05,781 --> 00:21:07,161
>> IF SOMEONE COMES TO YOU WITH
523
00:21:07,162 --> 00:21:09,822
LUNG CANCER AFTER YEARS OF
524
00:21:09,820 --> 00:21:12,790
SMOKING CIGARETTES ARE YOU EVER
525
00:21:12,788 --> 00:21:15,198
JUST LIKE, DUH, DUH, DUH, DUH,
526
00:21:15,204 --> 00:21:15,624
DUH.
527
00:21:15,619 --> 00:21:16,449
EVER DO THAT?
528
00:21:16,447 --> 00:21:17,757
>> NO, I DON'T DO THAT.
529
00:21:17,759 --> 00:21:18,069
>> DUH.
30661
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