Original subtitles

>> MARY L. TRUMP, A TRAINED CLINICAL PSYCHOLOGIST AND

DONALD'S ONLY NIECE, SHINES A BRIGHT LIGHT ON THE DARK HISTORY

OF THEIR FAMILY IN ORDER TO EXPLAIN HOW HER UNCLE BECAME THE

MAN WHO NOW THREATENS THE WORLD-- THE WORLD'S HEALTH,

ECONOMIC SECURITY, AND SOCIAL FABRIC.

♪ ♪ ♪ >> PRESIDENT TRUMP'S NIECE IS

PUBLISHING A NEW TELL-ALL BOOK, AND AUDIBLE HAS THE EXCLUSIVE

SNEAK PEEK, AS READ BY TRUMP'S NIECE HERSELF.

>> I REMEMBER AS A CHILD, UNCLE DONALD WOULD SAY, "I GOT YOUR

NOSE!" AND WE WOULD HAVE TO TAKE HIM TO

COURT TO GET IT BACK.

>> YOU'RE THERE FOR THE DRAMATIC MOMENTS.

>> EVERY TIME HE BROUGHT HOME A NEW AUNT, HE WOULD SAY, "DON'T

GET ATTACHED."

>> YOU'LL FEEL AS IF YOU'RE A PART OF TRUMP FAMILY.

>> WE ALL KNEW IVANKA WAS HIS FAVORITE, BECAUSE IN OUR

BIRTHDAY CARDS, HE WOULD WRITE, "IVANKA IS MY FAVORITE."

>> SO VISIT AUDIBLE AND DOWNLOAD MARY TRUMP'S "TOO MUCH AND NEVER

ENOUGH."

>> WHEN HE TOLD ME TO PULL HIS FINGER, HE FARTED AND BLAMED

OBAMA.

>> IT'S "A LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT."

TONIGHT: TRUMP OF TRUMP'S COP-OUT.

PLUS, STEPHEN WELCOMES HASAN MINHAJ

AND MUSICAL GUEST JASON ISBELL & THE 400 UNIT.

FEATURING JON BATISTE AND STAY HOMIN'.

AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM A SAFE DISTANCE, IT'S STEPHEN

COLBERT!

>> WHAT?

>> NOTHING!

NOTHING!

I WAS JUST COLLECTING MYSELF.

YOU'RE NOT DOING-- YOU'RE PERFECT IN EVERY WAY.

>> YEAH, UH-HUH.

( LAUGHTER ) WELCOME, WELCOME, FRIENDS, TO "A

LATE SHOW."

I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

PROTESTS CONTINUE ALL OVER AMERICA AS PEOPLE FIGHT FOR

RACIAL JUSTICE AND POLICE REFORM.

NOW THERE HAVE BEEN A LOT OF UNLIKELY PEOPLE JOINING THE

FIGHT, AND TODAY WE GOT THE LEAST LIKED OF ALL-- DONALD

TRUMP.

THIS AFTERNOON, DONALD TRUMP SIGNED AN EXECUTIVE ORDER ON

POLICE REFORM.

NOW, BEFORE YOU GET EXCITED, DON'T.

IT DOESN'T DO MUCH.

IT DOES PROPOSE A NATIONAL DATABASE OF POLICE MISCONDUCT.

SO, HE'S COMPILING AN EXCEL SPREADSHEET OF ALL THE WORST

COPS IN AMERICA.

NOT SURE WHAT HE'S GOING TO DO WITH IT.

( AS TRUMP ) "LET'S SEE, I NEED SOMEONE TO

CURB-STOMP SOME PROTESTERS.

OH, HE'S GOT BIG BOOTS."

TRUMP'S ORDER WILL ALSO URGE SOCIAL WORKERS AND MENTAL HEALTH

PROFESSIONALS TO WORK MORE CLOSELY ALONGSIDE FRONTLINE

OFFICERS.

DOESN'T SAY HOW CLOSELY THEY'LL BE WORKING TOGETHER?

BECAUSE THAT MIGHT GET WEIRD.

"OKAY, YOU JUST TEAR-GASSED A GROUP OF UNARMED CIVILIANS.

IS THAT BECAUSE YOU NEVER FELT ACCEPTED BY YOUR MOTHER?

OKAY, I'M AWARE OF THE TIME.

LET'S TAKE THIS UP AT NEXT WEEK'S PEPPER SPRAYING."

TRUMP'S PLAN ALSO PROMISES FEDERAL GRANT MONEY TO ENCOURAGE

LOCAL DEPARTMENTS TO BOLSTER TRAINING AND CERTIFICATION.

I'M PRETTY SURE THE CHANT IS, "DEFUND THE POLICE."

IF YOU GIVE THEM MORE FUNDING, THEY'RE JUST GOING TO SPEND IT

ON A TANK CALLED THE "DE-ESCALATOR 4,000."

BEFORE THE SIGNING, TRUMP MET WITH THE FAMILIES OF POLICE

SHOOTING VICTIMS AND MADE THEM A SOLEMN OATH, WHICH HE SEEMED TO

FORGET IMMEDIATELY: >> I GAVE A COMMITMENT TO ALL OF

THOSE FAMILIES TODAY WITH SENATOR TIM SCOTT, ATTORNEY

GENERAL BILL BARR.

WE ARE GOING TO PURSUE...

WHAT WE SAID WE WILL BE IT, AND WE WILL BE PURSUING IT

STRONGLY.

>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "AS GOD AS MY WITNESS, I PROMISE

TO PURSUE THE THINGAMAJIG THAT WE SAID WITH THE... FOLKS FOR

THE WHATCHA-CALL-IT AND THOSE PEOPLE AND WHATS-HER-NAME AND,

THE POINT IS, BLACK LIVES MEOW-MEOW-MEOW."

NOW, THIS EVENT WAS SUPPOSEDLY ABOUT POLICE REFORM, BUT TRUMP

MADE IT CLEAR THAT HE DOESN'T THINK IT'S THAT NECESSARY.

>> NOBODY NEEDS A STRONG, TRUSTWORTHY POLICE FORCE MORE

THAN THOSE WHO LIVE IN DISTRESSED AREAS.

AND NOBODY IS MORE OPPOSED TO THE SMALL NUMBER OF BAD POLICE

OFFICERS-- AND YOU HAVE THEM.

THEY ARE VERY TINY.

I USE THE WORD "TINY."

>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "TINY, BAD COPS.

LITTLE-- LITTLE LEGO BADDIES.

STILL, THE DANGER IS, IF YOU STEP ON THEM IN THE MIDDLE OF

THE NIGHT, YOU'RE IN FOR A WORLD OF PAIN."

THOUGH, IT DOES GIVE ME AN IDEA FOR A NEW SHOW.

COMING THIS FALL ON CBS, "GOOD COP, TINY COP."

YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN ADORABLE."

THEN TRUMP ANNOUNCED HIS DECISIVELY CONDITIONAL ACTION:

>> CHOKEHOLDS WILL BE BANNED EXCEPT IF AN OFFICER'S LIFE IS

AT RISK.

>> Stephen: THAT'S A LOOPHOLE BIG ENOUGH TO DRIVE A SQUAD CAR

THROUGH.

"ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY.

AFTER MULTIPLE INCIDENTS, HUNGRY TIGERS WILL NOW BE BANNED FROM

THIS ELEMENTARY SCHOOL, UNLESS THE TIGER FINDS THE CHILDREN

PARTICULARLY DELICIOUS.

CLASS DISMISSED."

THEN, RIGHT BEFORE HE SIGNED THE EXECUTIVE ORDER, HE CLOSED BY

MAKING IT CREEPY.

>> WE MUST CHERISH THE PRINCIPLES OF AMERICA'S FOUNDING

AS WE STRIVE TO DELIVER SAFE, BEAUTIFUL, ELEGANT JUSTICE, AND

LIBERTY FOR ALL.

>> Stephen: ALSO THIS FALL ON CBS, "ELEGANT JUSTICE."

SUNDAYS AFTER "GOOD COP, TINY COP."

THERE IS SOME ACTUAL POLICE REFORM GOING ON OUT THERE.

IN NEW YORK, ROUGHLY 600 PLAINCLOTHES OFFICERS HAVE BEEN

REASSIGNED TO NEW ROLES EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY.

THE REASSIGNED OFFICERS WERE PART OF A SPECIAL UNIT IN THE

N.Y.P.D. KNOWN AS THE "ANTI-CRIME UNIT."

UM, AREN'T ALL POLICE OFFICERS THE ANTI-CRIME UNIT?

BECAUSE IF THERE'S A PRO-CRIME UNIT, THEY REALLY OUGHT TO

REASSIGN THOSE GUYS, TOO.

THIS IS IMPORTANT: THE ANTI-CRIME UNIT WAS RESPONSIBLE

FOR A DISPROPORTIONATE NUMBER OF CIVILIAN COMPLAINTS AND FATAL

SHOOTINGS.

THEY MAKE UP 2% OF THE DEPARTMENT'S UNIFORMED FORCE BUT

THEY HAVE BEEN INVOLVED IN 31% OF INCIDENTS.

THAT'S NOT A FEW BAD APPLES.

THAT'S AN ORCHARD OF DESTRUCTION, WHICH IS ALSO THE

NAME OF MY SPEED METAL BAND THAT ONLY PERFORMS AT FALL FESTIVALS.

OKAY, QUICK PROGRAMMING NOTE: IT HAS ONLY BEEN A SECOND SINCE

THAT FULL-FRAME GRAPHIC WENT UP, BUT IT'S BEEN A HALF AN HIR

SINCE I SAID THOSE LAST WORDS YOU HEARD, BECAUSE WE TOOK A

BREAK TO WRITE ABOUT NEWS THAT JUST BROKE CONCERNING A NEW BOOK

COMING OUT BY FORMER NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISER JOHN BOLTON,

SEEN HERE POINTING TO HIS ONLY FRIEND.

BOLTON HAS WRITTEN AN EXPLOSIVE BOOK ABOUT HIS TIME IN THE WHITE

HOUSE CALLED "THE ROOM WHERE IT HAPPENED."

THAT'S A REFERENCE TO THE MUSICAL "HAMILTON," WHICH I

ASSUME MEANS THE BOOK INCLUDES BOLTON'S FREESTYLE RAP ABOUT

HAWKISH FOREIGN POLICY.

♪ MY NAME'S JOHNNY B.

AND I'M HERE TO SAY ♪ LET'S NUKE CUBA

AND PARAGUAY ♪ WE'LL TURN TEHRAN

TO A PILE OF ASH ♪ AND IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT

WICKA WICKA WICKA WICKA WICKA WICKA

NOW, THIS ISN'T THE FIRST DAMNING WHITE-HOUSE TELL-ALL

WRITTEN BY A FORMER WHITE HOUSE STAFFER WAY TOO LATE FOR IT TO

MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE.

THERE WAS "UNHINGED," "FIRE AND FURY," "TEAM OF VIPERS,"

"FURIOUS SNAKE FIRE," "BUCKET OF TAPEWORMS," AND "HAT FULL O'

RATS."

BUT THIS NEW BOLTON BOOK MUST BE EXTRA SPICY, BECAUSE TRUMP IS

EXPECTED TO ATTEMPT TO BLOCK ITS PUBLICATION.

THAT'S A CRAZY STRATEGY-- TELLING PEOPLE THEY CAN'T HAVE

SOMETHING JUST MAKES THEM WANT IT MORE!

THAT'S WHY THE DISNEY VAULT EXISTS.

I MEAN, I DON'T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT IT.

BUT NOW I'M HELL-BENT ON OWNING "THE ARISTOCATS" ON BLU-RAY!

AND HERE'S WHY WE TOOK A BREAK: THIS PART RIGHT HERE.

DURING THE TAPING OF THIS MONOLOGUE, THE DEPARTMENT OF

JUSTICE FILED A BREACH-OF-CONTRACT SUIT AGAINST

EX-NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISER JOHN BOLTON.

NOW, LET ME EXPLAIN WHAT THAT MEANS.

NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THAT MEANS, BECAUSE WHAT'S BREACH OF

CONTRACT WITH THE GOVERNMENT?

YOU CAN ARREST SOMEBODY FOR SPREADING STATE SECRETS, BUT

BREACH OF CONTRACT?

BREACH OF CONTRACT IS YOU SUE YOUR PLUMBER BECAUSE HE NEVER

FINISHED INSTALLING YOUR NEW SEPTIC TANK, WHICH TRUMP'S

REALLY GOING TO NEED BECAUSE THIS YOU LAWSUIT IS A HUGE PILE

OF CRAP.

HERE'S APPARENTLY WHAT'S HAPPENING: UNLIKE EVERY OTHER

LEADER IN THE FREE WORLD, TRUMP MAKES HIS ADVISERS SIGN

NON-DISCLOSURE AGREEMENTS, AND THE LAWSUIT CHARGES THAT BOLTON

HAS BREACHED HIS LEGAL OBLIGATIONS EMBODIED IN HIS

N.D.A.s.

NOW, WE'VE ALL HEARD ABOUT N.D.A.s.

STORMY DANIELS HAD ONE, AND SHE GOT OUT OF IT.

SO TRUMP SHOULD JUST CUT BOLTON A CHECK FOR $130,000 NOW,

BECAUSE NOW BOLTON IS GOING TO SPANK HIM WITH HIS BOOK,

WHICH I THINK MAKES BOLTON A PORN STAR--

BIG JOHNNY WALRUS IN "THE ROOM WHERE IT'S SLAPPIN'."

( AS TRUMP ) "OH, JOHNNY WALRUS, I DON'T KNOW

HOW I'M GOING TO PAY FOR THIS DIRT ON JOE BIDEN, SO I NEED YOU

TO DO US A FAVOR THOUGH."

THE REAL POINT OF THIS LAWSUIT IS TO BURY THIS BOOK SO NO ONE

EVER SAYS ITS NAME, WHICH APPEARS IN THE LAWSUIT

22 TIMES.

NOW, THE LAWSUIT REQUESTS THAT A TRUST BE SET UP "FOR THE BENEFIT

OF THE UNITED STATES, AND TAKES IN ANYTHING BOLTON EARNS FROM

SELLING THE BOOK.

FOR THE BENEFIT OF THE UNITED STATES?

THAT MEANS IT'S YOUR PATRIOTIC DUTY TO BUY MORE COPIES OF THE

BOOK.

OH, YOU'RE A SLY ONE, MR. PRESIDENT.

SLY ASK STUPID, RIGHT?

OKAY.

AND IT'S NOT JUST THE BOOK.

TE LAWSUIT SPECIFIES "INCLUDING MOVIE RIGHTS."

OOH, A MOVIE.

WHO'S GONNA PLAY BOLTON?

RYAN REYNOLDS?

RYAN GOSLING?

CAP'N CRUNCH?

NO, I HAVE ITEE WILL FORD BRIMLEY.

"I DON'T WANT TO BE INVOLVED IN WHATEVER DRUG DEAL MULVANEY IS

COOKING UP.

IT'S THE WRONG THING TO DO AND THE WRONG WAY TO DO IT.

I'VE GOT ENOUGH TROUBLE WITH MY DIABETES."

AND SCENE.

NOW, THE BOOK IS SLATED TO BE RELEASED NEXT WEEK, WHICH THE

WHITE HOUSE CLEARLY DID NOT YESTERDAY:

>> COULD THE ATTORNEY GENERAL TELL US WHAT THE D.O.J. IS

DOING, IN TERMS OF THE BOLTON BOOK?

>> WELL, THERE ARE A NUMBER OF THINGS, BUT THE THING THAT IS

FRONT AND CENTER RIGHT NOW IS TRYING TO GET HIM TO COMPLETE

THE PROCESS, GO THROUGH THE PROCESS AND MAKE THE NECESSARY

DELETIONS OF CLASSIFIED INFORMATION.

>> Reporter: BUT-- BUT THE BOOK HAS BEEN PUBLISHED.

>> NO, IT HASN'T.

>> Reporter: YES, IT'S BEEN PUBLISHED.

IT'S JUST NOT RELEASED YET.

>> IT'S BEING PRINTED.

IT'S BEING PRINTED.

>> HASN'T BEEN RELEASED.

>> ACCORDING TO SOURCES IT IS BEING PRINTED.

IT HASN'T BEEN RELEASED.

>> Stephen: HEY, ATTORNEY GENERAL DOOFUS, ACCORDING TO

SOURCES, I GOT THIS LAST FRIDAY!

OOOH!

SECRET BOOK!

SECRET BOOK!

OOH, HOT, HOT, HOT, HOT!

BURNING MY HANDS WITH ALL THE HOT, HOT

SECRET JUICE!

NOW, IT'S UNDER EMBARGO, WHICH MEANS I'VE RECEIVED IT BUT CAN'T

SAY ANYTHING ABOUT WHAT'S INSIDE OF IT UNTIL NEXT TUESDAY, WHEN

JOHN BOLTON IS ON MY SHOW, UNLESS YOU CLAP HIM IN LEG

IRONS, THEN SEND BLACK OPS TO HALO-JUMP INTO MY LOCALE,

PENETRATE THE PERIMETER OF MY NIGHTSTAND AND REMOVE THE

CLASSIFIED DOCUMENT I'VE BEEN RESTING MY ICED TEA ON.

FULL DISCLOSURE: I HAVE NOT READ IT YET BECAUSE IT LOOKS REALLY

LONG, AND IT HAS NO SYMPATHETIC CHARACTERS.

BUT LET'S JUST TAKE A SNEAK PEEK TOGETHER:

HERE WE GO.

OOH!

OOH!

SO THAT'S HOW THE TURKEY EARNED HIS PARDON!

GASP!

PENCE TRIED SKIM MILK?

DOES MOTHER KNOW?

OH, YEAH, THE CENTERFOLD!

SO THE MUSTACHE DOES MATCH THE CARPET.

NOW, WE HAVEN'T THOUGHT ABOUT JOHN BOLTON LATELY BECAUSE OF

ALL THE PROTESTS AND THE, UH, PLAGUE.

REMEMBER THAT?

LAST WEEK-- THANK YOU, CITIZEN.

LAST WEEK, THE DAILY NUMBER OF NEW CORONAVIRUS CASES WENT UP IN

22 STATES, BUT THAT'S NOT GOING TO STOP TRUMP FROM HOLDING A

RALLY THIS SATURDAY IN TULSA, OKLAHOMA, NO MATTER HOW MANY

PEOPLE WANT HIM TO STOP.

IN AN EDITORIAL YESTERDAY, TULSA'S LARGEST NEWSPAPER, THE

"TULSA WORLD," OPINED, "THIS IS THE WRONG TIME AND TULSA IS THE

WRONG PLACE FOR THE TRUMP RALLY."

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY, TWO WRONGS MAKE A RALLY FULL OF

WHITES.

THE PAPER EXPLAINED, "THE CITY AND STATE HAVE AUTHORIZED

REOPENING, BUT THAT DOESN'T MAKE A MASS INDOOR GATHERING OF

PEOPLE PRESSED CLOSELY TOGETHER AND CHEERING A GOOD IDEA."

YES, IT'S NOT.

OTHERWISE, I WOULD STILL BE DOING IT IN THE ED SULLIVAN

THEATER!

I HAVE FORGOTTEN WHAT LAUGHTER WAS LIKE, AND IT'S KILLING ME.

BUT NOT AS FAST AS HAVING AN AUDIENCE WOULD KILL THEM.

THAT'S WHY I'M SITTING IN MY STUDY, SHOUTING JOKES INTO THE

DRAPERIES.

EVEN THE BLONDE-HAIRED GUY WHO IS STEVE DOOCY QUESTIONED THIS

IDEA TO MIKE PENCE THIS MORNING: >> WHY DON'T YOU DO SOME OF THE

STUFF OUTSIDE?

WE JUST HAD DR. OZ ON ABOUT A HALF AN HOUR AGO, AND HE SAID

WHEN YOU'RE IN AN ENCLOSED PLACE WITH A LOT OF PEOPLE

YELLING-- AND YOU DO HOPE THERE'S A LOT OF YELLING AND

CHEERING AT THE RALLY IN A COUPLE OF DAYS-- YOU HAVE THE

AEROSOL, AND THAT STAYS IN THE AIR FOR HOURS.

SO JUST IN THE INTEREST OF PUBLIC SAFETY, MAYBE YOU DO IT

OUTSIDE GOING FORWARD.

>> WELL, STEVE, YOU KNOW, YOU RAISE A GOOD POINT.

AND WHAT I CAN TELL YOU IS IT'S ALL A WORK IN PROGRESS.

>> Stephen: THAT IS NOT REASSURING.

IT'S LIKE YOU'RE ABOUT TO HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX AND YOU SAY TO

YOUR PARTNER, "WAIT, DON'T YOU HAVE CHLAMYDIA?"

AND THEY SAY, "WELL, DARLING, YOU RAISE A GOOD POINT, AND WHAT

I CAN TELL YOU IS IT'S ALL A WORK IN PROGRESS."

NOW, THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN SAYS THAT HAND SANITIZER AND FACE

MASKS WILL BE OFFERED TO ALL ATTENDEES, THOUGH NOT

NECESSARILY REQUIRED.

THEN THEY'RE NOT GOING TO WEAR THEM, JUST LIKE TRUMP DOESN'T

WEAR THEM, WHICH PUTS TRUMP IN DANGER, TOO.

THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES IS GOING TO BE EXPOSED TO

THE AEROSOLIZED SPITTLE OF 19,000 PEOPLE.

HONEST TO GOD, HOW DOES THE SECRET SERVICE ALLOW HIM TO DO

THAT?

LOOK, I NEVER THOUGHT I'D SAY THIS, BUT, SIR, PLEASE, BUILD

THE WALL.

THE CAMPAIGN APPARENTLY PLANS NO SOCIAL DISTANCING.

PEOPLE WILL LIKELY BE PACKED SHOULDER TO SHOULDER, WHICH IS A

CONCEPT THE PRESIDENT HAS ENDORSED, SAYING IT "LOSES A LOT

OF FLAVOR" TO HAVE HIS DEVOTED FANS SPREAD OUT.

( AS TRUMP ) AND THE YOU GOTTA KEEP IN THE

FLAVOR BECAUSE I SEE MY SUPPORTERS LIKE VEAL.

I LIKE 'EM PACKED TIGHT, UNABLE TO MOVE, OR ELSE THE MUSCLES GET

ALL STRINGY.

AND BEFORE ANYONE ACCUSES ME OF BEING A CANNIBAL, KEEP IN MIND I

DO NOT CONSIDER OTHER PEOPLE HUMAN."

WE HAVE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.

I'LL BE TALKING TO COMEDIAN HASAN MINHAJ.

BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE!"

REMEMBER "MEANWHILE?" STICK AROUND.

♪ ♪ ♪

♪♪

AT ALL.

>> Jon: YOU GOT A LOT ON YOUR MIND, TOO?

>> Stephen: YEAH, YEAH, WE ALL DO.

THE THING SIGOT UP-- NORMALLY I LISTEN TO A PODCAST OR SOMETHING

TO GO TO SLEEP.

>> Jon: RIGHT.

>> Stephen: BUT I WOKE UP BEFORE THE PODCAST GOT POSTED SO

I STARTED LISTENING TO THEM FROM LAST WEEK, SO I STARTED GETTING

ANXIOUS ABOUT NEWS I ALREADY LEARNED ABOUT FIVE DAYS AGO.

IT WAS A BAD-- A BAD LOOP TO BE IN.

>> Jon: OH, NO, THE NEWS NOW, I WOULDN'T WANT TO REPEAT ANY OF

IT.

IT'S REALLY SOMETHING THAT I THINK IS GOOD TO HAVE A SONG IN

YOUR HEART.

I'VE BEEN KEEPING THAT SONG I WAS PLAYING, JUST TRYING TO KEEP

SONGS IN MY HEART.

I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S ABOUT SINGING THEM EVEN, JUST HAVING

THEM IN THE ROTATION, YOU KNOW.

>> Stephen: WOULD YOU-- WOULD YOU MIND PLAYING A LITTLE BIT OF

THE SONG THAT'S IN YOUR HEART RIGHT NOW?

>> Jon: OH, YEAH, OF COURSE.

>> Stephen: THANK YOU.

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪

>> Stephen: JON BATISTE, EVERYBODY.

IT'S IN THERE.

IT'S IN THERE.

>> Jon: YES, INDEED.

>> Stephen: THANK YOU, JON.

YOU KNOW, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME HEWING THE BIGGEST SLABS OF NEWS

MARBLE OUT OF CURRENT EVENTS MOUNTAIN, ASSEMBLING THEM

ACCORDING TO DETAILED ARCHITECTURAL PLANS, CARVING

INTRICATE BAR-RELIEFS INTO ITS WALLS, AND ORNAMENTING IT ALL

WITH A LAPIDARY OF PRECIOUS GEMSTONES TO CREATE FOR YOU THE

TAJ MAHAL THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.

BUT SOMETIMES, I LIKE TO DRAG SOME CORRUGATED TIN SLATS INTO

THE WOODS, CLAMP 'EM TOGETHER WITH BUNGIE CORDS, TOSS A TORN

BOAT SAIL OVER IT, THEN HUNKER DOWN TO SCRIBBLE A JOKE

MANIFESTO IN THE DEMENTED LONER-CABIN OF NEWS THAT IS MY

SEGMENT: "QUARANTINE-WHILE!"

>> Stephen: QUARANTINE-WHILE, "DARTH VADER IS ENFORCING THE

LOCKDOWN IN A PHILIPPINE VILLAGE."

AND THE CAMPAIGN'S OBJECTIVE IS TO "TELL OFF RESIDENTS WHO STILL

GO OUTDOORS WITHOUT THE PROPER QUARANTINE PASSES NEEDED AND

ALSO THOSE WHO DO NOT WEAR FACE MASKS."

AND VADER IS PARTICULARLY HARSH ON THOSE WHO DON'T WASH THEIR

HANDS: >> NOOOOO!

>> Stephen: (AS VADER) "I FIND YOUR LACK OF HYGIENE

DISTURBING."

A LITTLE MORE BANE THAN VADER, I WILL ADMIT THAT.

QUARANTINE-WHILE, AFTER MORE THAN TWO MONTHS OF LOCKDOWN FOR

CORONAVIRUS, THERE ARE HOPEFUL SIGNS THAT WE MAY BE EMERGING

FROM OUR LONG NATIONAL NIGHTMARE, BECAUSE "COSTCO HAS

ANNOUNCED THEIR FREE SAMPLES WILL RETURN THIS MONTH."

FINALLY!

FINALLY!

IT IS SAFE FOR SHOPPERS TO RETURN TO EATING A TINY SQUARE

OF CHEESE OFF A BIG TRAY OF TINY SQUARES OF CHEESE AND

ROOM-TEMPERATURE TURKEY SAUSAGE THAT HAS BEEN SITTING OUT FOR

HOURS.

NATURE IS HEALING.

THAT ONE HIT HOME.

>> YEAH.

>> Stephen: QUARANTINE-WHILE, PAGES OF HIS PREVIOUSLY

UNPUBLISHED NOTES SHOW THAT "ISAAC NEWTON PROPOSED CURING

PLAGUE WITH TOAD VOMIT," USING "BLENDED POWDERED TOAD WITH TOAD

VOMIT TO FORM LOZENGES," TO WHICH 17th CENTURY ENGLAND SAID,

"I'LL STICK WITH THE PLAGUE."

QUARANTINE-WHILE, "A BREWERY IS OFFERING $20,000 FOR SOMEONE TO

HIKE THE ENTIRE APPALACHIAN TRAIL WHILE DRINKING BEER."

THE DEVILS BACK-BONE BREWING COMPANY IS HIRING A "CHIEF

HIKING OFFICER," WHO WILL TREK THE ENTIRE 2,200-MILE TRAIL FROM

GEORGIA TO MAINE, CONSUMING AND SHARING PLENTY OF BREWS ALONG

THE WAY."

ALTERNATELY, THEY'LL GIVE YOU A CANOE, AND YOU CAN ROW TO MAINE

ON A RIVER OF YOUR OWN URINE.

QUARANTINE-WHILE, A RECENTLY PUBLISHED SCIENTIFIC PAPER ASKS

AN IMPORTANT QUESTION: "DID MEN'S BEARDS EVOLVE TO ABSORB A

PUNCH TO THE JAW?" NO WONDER THAT MALL SANTA

WOULDN'T GO DOWN.

WHEN MY KID ASKS FOR HOT WHEELS, HE EXPECTS HOT WHEELS, OLD MAN.

THE ARTICLE WAS PUBLISHED IN THE SCIENTIFIC JOURNAL "INTEGRATIVE

ORGANISMAL BIOLOGY," EASILY IN MY TOP THREE FAVORITE JOURNALS

OF ORGANISMAL BIOLOGY.

IT WAS PREVIOUSLY ARGUED THAT BEARDS EVOLVED AS ORNAMENTATION

TO ATTRACT A MATE.

BUT THIS NEW RESEARCH ARGUES THAT "HAIRS IN A BEARD WOULD

COLLECTIVELY DIFFUSE THE FORCE OF A BLOW AND SO MAY HAVE

EVOLVED IN RESPONSE TO THE NEED TO WIN MALE-MALE BATTLES."

CHECKS OUT.

LEAVE IT TO MEN TO SPEND THOUSANDS OF YEARS EVOLVING

SHOCK ABSORBERS FOR YOUR FACE INSTEAD OF JUST BEING LESS OF A

DICK.

QUARANTINE-WHILE, "DOMINO'S PIZZA JUST REVEALED A NIFTY

MICROWAVE HACK TO PREVENT SOGGINESS," SAYING "ADD A

HALF-FULL CUP OF WATER TO THE MICROWAVE WITH YOUR PIZZA AND

HEAT FOR AROUND 30 SECONDS."

AND FOR OPTIMUM FLAVOR, LEAVE THE DOMINO'S IN THE MICROWAVE

AND ORDER PIZZA FROM ANYWHERE ELSE.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH COMEDIAN HASAN MINHAJ.

♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,

EVERYBODY.

MY FIRST GUEST TONIGHT IS A VERY FUNNY COMEDIAN YOU KNOW FROM

"PATRIOT ACT WITH HASAN MINHAJ."

PLEASE WELCOME, HASAN MINHAJ!

HASSAN!

HOW ARE YOU?

>> I'M DOING GREAT, MAN HOW ARE YOU.

>> Stephen: I'M DOING WELL.

I SEND GREETINGS FROM A MUTUAL FRIEND OF OURS.

I JUST GOT OFF THE PHONE WITH JON STEWART.

HE SAYS PLEASE GIVE HIM MY BEST.

>> THANK YOU, WOW.

A MUTUAL FRIEND.

>> Stephen: HE'S A VERY FRIENDLY GUY.

>> HE WAS COOL, TOO.

>> Stephen: VERY FRIENDLY GUY.

>> YEAH.

>> Stephen: GOOD TO SEE YOU.

I WATCHED THIS WEEK YOUR INCREDIBLE MONOLOGUE YOU DID ON

THIS PAST WEEK'S EPISODE OF "PATRIOT ACT" WHERE YOU RESPOND

TO THE GEORGE FLOYD KILLING BY SPEAKING DIRECTLY TO THE ASIAN

AMERICAN COMMUNITY.

>> YEAH.

>> Stephen: AND, LISTEN, AS A WHITE GUY WITH HIS OWN PRIVILEGE

AND HIS OWN GUILT ABOUT SYSTEMIC RACISM, THANK YOU FOR SHOWING

THAT THERE ARE OTHER FORMS OF RACISM IN THE WORLD THAT YOU ARE

ADDRESSING FROM YOUR OWN INMIMITABLE WAY.

>> I'M HAPPY TO CARRY SOME OF THAT GUILT, MAN.

>> Stephen: I'VE GOT PLENTY TO SHARE, IF YOU'D LIKE SOME.

>> I DON'T KNOW.

ARE YOU ON WHATTSAPP, STEPHEN, OUT OF CURIOSITY.

>> Stephen: I'D LIKE A LAWYER BEFORE YOU ANSWER THIS.

YEAH, SURE, WHY NOT?

>> OKAY.

IT'S A BIG PART OF THE ASIAN COMMUNITY AND THE WAY WE

COMMUNICATE WITH LOVED ONES AND FRIENDS AROUND THE WORLD.

AND, YOU KNOW, AFTER THE MURDER OF GEORGE FLOYD AND PEACEFUL

PROTESTS STARTED HAPPENING, WHICH THEN SORT OF LED TO SOME

OF THE RIOTING AND SOME OF THE LOOTING THAT SORT OF BROKE OFF

OF THAT, THERE WAS A LOT OF VERY UGLY CONVERSATIONS THAT WERE

HAPPENING IN OUR COMMUNITY ON WHATTSAPP, AUNTIES AND UNCLES

WITH THEIR KIDS HAVING THESE TENSE CONVERSATION ABOUT

PROTESTING.

"SOME NECESSARY?

HAVE THEY GONE TOO FAR?" AND I KIND OF FELT, ESPECIALLY

BECAUSE A LOT OF FIRST-GENERATION BUSINESSES,

SMALL BUSINESSES, WERE BEING AFFECTED BY THIS, THEY SHOULD

PUT TOGETHER A PIECE AND KIND OF ADDRESS-- ADDRESS THIS REALLY

KIND OF UGLY CONVERSATION THAT WAS HAPPENING.

BECAUSE A LOT OF TIMES WHEN WE TALK ABOUT RACE IN AMERICA, WE

CONSIDER INT IN OUR COMMUNITY TO BE A VERY BLACK-WHITE

CONVERSATION, AND WE DON'T THINK THAT WE'RE PARTICIPANTS IN IT.

AND I THINK THERE'S TWO KEY PIECES OF INFORMATION THAT WE

TAKE FOR GRANTED.

NUMBER ONE, THE LEGISLATION THAT WAS PASSED IN 1964 AND 1965, THE

IMMIGRATION ACT THAT WAS PASSED IN '65, WE ARE BENEFICIARIES OF

THAT.

THAT'S THE REASON MY DAD WAS ABLE TO COME HERE IN 1982.

WHETHER WE LIKE IT OR NOT, MARTIN LUTHER KING JR. CC'D US

ON THAT EMAIL OF PROGRESS SO WE OWE A LOT TO THE AFRICAN

AMERICAN COMMUNITY HERE IN AMERICA.

AND THEN NUMBER TWO, IF YOU ACTUALLY LOOK AT THE PHOTO OF

WHAT HAPPENED DURING THE KILLING, WE'RE AT THE SCENE OF

THE CRIME, YOU KNOW.

THE OWNER OF CUP FOODS IS ARAB-AMERICAN MUSLIM, AND ONE OF

THE FOUR POLICE OFFICERS IS MONG AMERICAN.

SO I'M NOT SAYING WE WERE DIRECTLY INVOLVED IN THE KILLING

OF GEORGE FLOYD, BUT WE'RE THERE, AND IT'S OUR JOB TO TAKE

THE KNEE OFF THAT MAN'S NECK.

AND TO ME, I JUST FELT LIKE IT WAS A MOMENT OF SOLIDARITY FOR

US TO KIND OF STEP UP AND SAY, "HEY, WE ARE PART OF AMERICA,

AND WE DON'T JUST GET TO OWN ITS SUCCESSES.

WE ALSO HAVE TO OWN ITS FAILURES.

THAT'S WHAT IT MEANS TO BE AN AMERICAN CITIZEN."

>> Stephen: IT HAS BEEN RECEIVED VERY WELL ONLINE.

IT'S GOT MORE THAN FOUR MILLION VIEWS JUST ON YOUTUBE.

>> YUP.

>> Stephen: HAVE YOU GOTTEN ANY REACTIONS FROM YOUR FRIENDS

AND RELATIVES?

>> YEAH, A LOT OF PEOPLE HAVE BEEN SAYING-- YOU KNOW, AROUND

THE WORLD JUST, "HEY, CAN YOU TRANSLATE THIS, PLEASE.

AND CAN YOU NOT USE THE "F" WORD SO MUCH?"

>> Stephen: LOOK WHAT AMERICA HAS DONE TO YOU, HASSAN.

>> I KNOW, MAN, I KNOW.

>> Stephen: YOU DID AN EPISODE IN THE FALL OF 2019, IN

SEPTEMBER.

>> YES.

>> Stephen: ON "PATRIOT ACT" THAT WAS ALL ABOUT OUR BROKEN

POLICING SYSTEM IN THE UNITED STATES.

>> YES, YES.

>> Stephen: WHAT DID YOU LEARN-- I MEAN, THAT IS

CERTAINLY A SUBJECT THAT HAS BEEN GOING ON A LONG TIME.

YOU DID AN ENTIRE EPISODE ON THAT.

WHAT DID YOU LEARN THAT YOU DIDN'T KNOW BEFORE?

>> GOING INTO IT THERE WAS STILL THIS KIND OF DIVISIVE,

THIRD-RAIL ISSUE.

AND IT'S NOT LIKE NOW WHERE A LOT OF PEOPLE, YOU KNOW, NOT

ONLY IN THE WRITERS' ROOM, BUT JUST KIND OF EDITORIALLY WERE

LEAK, "NO, NOW IS THE TIME TO TALK ABOUT IT."

BUT TO ME THE BIG THING I FOUND TO BE MOST SHOPPING THAT I

WANTED TO APPROACH THE WHOLE EPISODE ABOUT WAS TO TALK ABOUT

QUALIFIED IMMUNITY.

I HAD NO IDEA THAT IT'S ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE TO SUE A COP.

I THOUGHT THAT WAS WHAT WE LOVED TO DO MOST IN THIS COUNTRY.

>> Stephen: THAT'S WHAT CORY BOOKER IS TRYING TO ELIMINATE

WITH HIS LEGISLATION.

>> YES.

>> Stephen: IT DOESN'T HAVE THAT MUCH CHANCE IN THE SENATE

RIGHT NOW.

>> AND IT GOT SHOT DOWN, RIGHT, IN THE SUPREME COURT?

YEAH.

>> Stephen: I'M NOT-- DON'T QUOTE ME ON THAT ONE.

>> OKAY.

DON'T QUOTE ME ON THAT WHEREON.

>> Stephen: DON'T QUOTE ME ON THAT ONE.

IF I'M NOT MISTAKEN-- AGAIN, DON'T QUOTE ME ON THIS ONE-- I

THINK TIM SCOTT SAID THAT'S A POISON PILL AND YOU HAVE TO TAKE

THAT OFF.

>> TO ME, I REMEMBER ONE OF THE JOKES I PITCHED IN THE WRITERS'

ROOM WAS ONE OF THE FIRST SONGS THEY LEARNED WHEN I WAS A LITTLE

KID WAS THE THEME SONG TO "CELINEO AND BARNS."

>> Stephen: YEAH, YEAH.

LET'S HEAR IT ♪ CELINEO AND BARNS

INJURY ATTORNEYS 800-888-8888 ♪ IT WAS ON TV ALL THE TIME,

STEPHEN.

LIKE, I THOUGHT I WAS LIKE, YEAH, WE ALL-- WE LOVE SUING

EACH GLRG WE ALL GET TO SUE EVERYBODY.

>> YEAH, BUT WE CAN'T SUE COPS.

SO UNDERSTANDING QUALIFIED IMMUNITY, POLICE UNIONS AND

WARRIOR TRAINING, THAT WAS SOMETHING THAT WAS REALLY

SHOCKING TO SORT OF SEE, AND WE WANTED TO ANNUAL IT THAT WAY.

WHY IS IT, EVEN IN THE WAKE OF, SAY, ERIC GARNER, WHY IS IT SO

HARD ONCE YOU'VE CHARGED POLICE OFFICERS TO PROSECUTE BAD POLICE

OFFICERS AND HAVE THEM SERVE TIME IN PRISON.

>> Stephen: YES, THAT SEEMS LIKE A PRETTY SIMPLE ARGUMENT TO

MAKE BECAUSE WHAT OFTEN GETS THROWN BACK IS, WHAT, ABOUT THE

PEOPLE WHO HAVE DONE VIOLENCE AGAINST THE POLICE?"

OH, THOSE PEOPLE WILL STAND TRIAL.

>> OH, YEAH, FOR SURE, AND THEY WILL GET PROSECUTED AND THEY

WILL SERVE TIME IN PRISON.

>> Stephen: IT'S ABOUT EQUAL JUSTICE, INCLUDING ANYONE WHO

COMMITS A CRIME HAS TO FACE THE CONSEQUENCES.

THAT'S-- THAT'S WHERE THE ANGER COMES FROM, ASIDE FROM THE

VIOLENCE AND WANT OPPRESSION AND THE BRUTALITY.

IT ACTUALLY COMES FROM THAT THERE ARE NO CONSEQUENCES FOR

IT.

>> THIS IS THE WHOLE THING I DON'T LIKE ABOUT PEOPLE WHO KIND

OF HOG THE CONVERSATION, THE "WHAT ABOUT-ISM."

AND YOU'VE DEALT WITH THAT FOR A LONG TIME WHEN YOU KIND OF HAVE

HAD POLITICIANS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE AISLE "WHAT ABOUT

THIS?

BLACK LIVES MATTER.

ALL LIVES MATTER."

WHY ARE YOU MAKING THIS ALL ABOUT YOU?

LIKE AT ANY POINT, I REMEMBER MY WEDDING DAY.

"TODAY IS MY WEDDING DAY."

"WHAT ABOUT MY WEDDING DAY?" "IT'S NOT YOUR WEDDING DAY."

>> Stephen: THIS IS THE WORST WEDDING I HAVE EVER BEEN TO.

WE'RE NOT THROWING RICE.

>> OKAY.

>> Stephen: OKAY, YOU'RE A STAND-UP AND YOU TYPICALLY HAVE

A LIVE AUDIENCE.

>> YEAH.

>> Stephen: FOR ""PATRIOT ACT."

HOW MANY SHOWS HAVE YOU DONE NOW WITHOUT A LIVE AUDIENCE, DO YOU

KNOW?

>> WE'VE DONE SEVEN.

>> Stephen: HOW DOES THAT FEEL.

>> WE BUILT THE GREEN SCREEN STUDIO.

IT'S IN OUR LIVING ROOM, AND OUR SHOW RUNNER AND CREATOR OF THE

SHOW LIVES IN THE BASEMENT.

>> Stephen: HE LIVES AT YOUR HOUSE?

>> YEAH, HE'S DOWNSTAIRS RIGHT NOW.

( BANGS ON THE FLOOR."

>> Stephen: THAT'S AWFUL.

LITERALLY, IT'S ONE THING-- I HAVE CAMERAS IN MY HOUSE AND MY

WIFE IS MY ENTIRE CREW RIGHT NOW, BUT, LITERALLY, YOUR SHOWN

RUNNER IS IN YOUR BASEMENT?

>> YEAH.

I THOUGHT JON BATISTE LIVED UPSTAIRS.

>> Stephen: NEXT DOOR.

WE HAVE A PULLEY SYSTEM.

WE HAVE A PULLEY SYSTEM.

HASSAN, WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK BUT STILL AROUND,

EVERYBODY.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE HASAN MINHAJ.

♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY,

WE'RE BACK WITH THE HOST OF "PATRIOT ACT" HASAN MINHAJ.

WELL, CONGRATULATIONS ON THE NEW BABY.

>> THANK YOU.

>> Stephen: WHAT'S IT LIKE-- THIS IS YOUR SECOND CHILD.

WHAT'S IT LIKE TO HAVE BABIES IN COVID, UNDER QUARANTINE?

>> WE HAD THE BABY RIGHT AS COVID WAS HITTING THE STATES,

AND WE'RE VERY LUCKY, YOU KNOW.

SHOUT-OUTS TO MOUNT SIME EAST.

BABY BOY WAS BORN HEALTHY.

BUT IT WAS WEIRD, MAN.

LIKE SEEING, YOU KNOW, DOCTORS WITH, LIKE, YOU KNOW JUST, LIKE,

DISH WASHING GLOVES AND DONATED P.P.E.

IT WAS A REALLY -- >> Stephen: WOW.

>> STRANGE THING.

AND HE'S PART OF THIS NEW GENERATION OF KIDS.

THAT'S, THEY'RE THE -- >> Stephen: DO THEY HAVE A

NAME?

OUR QIDZ KIDS SPLIT BETWEEN MILLENNIAL AND GEN-Z., I THINK.

>> STEPHEN I HEAR THEY'RE CALLED GEN-C.

I THOUGHT QUARANTINES WAS THE WAY TO GO.

BUT IT'S GEN-C.-C.

>> Stephen: THEY EVENTUALLY WLL BE THE QUARANTINES.

>> STEPHEN YOU KNOW THERE'S A WAR RIGHT NOW.

>> Stephen: THERE IS.

>> YEAH, BETWEEN THE GENERATIONS.

>> Stephen: WHO'S WINNING.

>> RIGHT NOW A FULL-ON ONSLAUGHT-- IT'S A MASSACRE

RIGHT NOW GEN-"Z" HATES MY GENERATION, THE MILLENNIALS.

FOR A LONG TIME THERE WAS A BIG THING BETWEEN MILLENNIALS,

GEN-X., AND WE COLLECTIVELY HATED THE BOOMERS.

BUT RIGHT NOW, MY GENERATION, WE'RE GETTING OUR ASSES HANKED

TO US.

WE'RE GETTING MADE FUN OF OUR DIETARY HABITS.

WE'RE GETTING MADE FUN OF OUR LOVE OF POP CULTURE AND HARRY

POPTER AND 90s TELEVISION.

AND I'LL BE HONEST-- A LOT OF MY CORE DEMOGRAPHIC HAS BEEN

RIPPING ME A NEW ONE IN THE INTERNET COMMENTS.

>> Stephen: DO YOU ENGAGE?

>> I HAVE.

>> Stephen: DON'T ENGAGE!

>> I HAVE ENGAGED.

I HAVE ENGAGED.

>> Stephen: YOU'RE OUT-NUMBERED.

>> I'LL TELL YOU WHAT THE GIVEAWAY IS.

THEY'LL BE LIKE, "THAT JOKE IS SO CRINGEY."

AND I'LL BE LIKE, "REALLY, BRANDON.

YOU'RE UNEMPLOYED.

WHAT AM I DOING?

THIS GUY IS NINE YEARS OLD.

BUT I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE CRAP FROM A PERSON WHO IS DUNKING ON

ME WITH THEIR OLDER SISTER'S CRACKED iPHONE 6S.

>> Stephen: SO YOU RECENTLY DID AN EPISODE OF "PATRIOT ACT"

CALLING OUT TRUMP FOR NOT TAKING THE PANDEMIC SERIOUSLY.

FIRST OF ALL, WELL SPOTTED.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE CLUES WERE.

>> YEAH.

>> Stephen: THAT YOU TEASED OUT OF HIS BEHAVIOR.

>> WHEN YOU TALK ABOUT A UNIQUE TAKE, STEPHEN, I WOULD SAY THAT

ONE-- IT WAS JUST-- IT WAS RIGHT THERE.

WE PICKED IT UP.

>> Stephen: YOU'RE NOT GOING TO GET THAT ANYWHERE ELSE.

THAT'S WHAT YOU GO TO "PATRIOT ACT" FOR.

TELL ME ABOUT THIS-- TELL ME ABOUT THIS TRUMP GUY.

SO-- WHAT DO YOU MAKE OF HIM HOLDING THE RALLY IN TULSA ON

SATURDAY?

>> LOOK, I THINK IT'S SO INTERESTING.

YOU KNOW, FOR THE LONGEST TIME I FELT LIKE, AS A COUNTRY WE'VE

BEEN LOOKING FOR LEADERSHIP, AND RIGHT NOW WE DON'T NEED A

PRESIDENT.

I THINK WE NEED A COMMISSIONER.

I FEEL LIKE N.B.A. COMMISSIONER ADAM SILVER HAS DONE A GREAT

JOB.

HE'S MANAGED 50 TEAMS BETTER THAN TRUMP HAS MANAGED 50

STATES.

>> Stephen: SURE.

>> WHILE THEY'RE EASING THINGS BACK IN I FIND IT KIND OF

TERRIFYING THAT HE WANTS TO FULL-ON RAW DOG THAT 'RONA THIS

WEEK.

I CERTAINLY HOPE PEOPLE WEAR MASKS.

>> Stephen: EVIDENTLY, THEY'RE GOING TO GIVE THE MASKS AND HAND

SANITIZER, BUT THEY'RE SAYING YOU DON'T HAVE TO USE THEM.

>> IT'S OPTIONAL.

>> Stephen: IT'S OPTIONAL.

>> MY THING SITHINK THEY CAN MAKE IT WORK IF THEY JUST

REBRANDED THE MASKS.

WE HAVE TO THINK OF MASKS-- BECAUSE IT'S BECOME THIS CULTURE

WAR.

BUT WE HAVE TO THINK OF MASKS AS BUMPER STICKERS FOR YOUR FACE.

>> Stephen: I LIKE IT.

I LIKE IT.

>> JUST PUT WHATEVER YOU WANT ON IT.

>> Stephen: LIKE RECOMMENDATIONS.

>> HYDROXYCHLOROQUINE IS THE ( BLEEP ).

>> Stephen: THIS ISN'T NETFLIX.

YOU CAN'T SAY THAT ON CBS.

>> WE HAVE A-- OKAY, ALT, ALT.

5"G" CAUSES COVID.

>> Stephen: I HEARD THAT.

>> THE ONE I REALLY LIKE IF I WAS AT RALLY WOULD BE, "MARY

CHRISTMAS, SAY IT BACK."

WHEN I USED TO BAG GROCERIES AT SAFEWAY-- I USED TO BAG

GROCERIES AT SAFEWAY, AND DURING CHRISTMAS YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO SAY

"MERRY CHRISTMAS.

AND ONE OF OUR MANAGERS HE GOT REALLY MAD, DEXTER, AND ONE TIME

HE WAS RINGING UP AND I WAS BAGGING GROCERY, AND SAID "MERRY

CHRISTMAS" TO A YOUNG LADY.

AND SHE DIDN'T SAY IT BANNING.

AND HE GOES, "MERRY CHRISTMAS.

MERRY CHRISTMAS, SAY IT BACK."

AND I HAVE NEVER FORGOTTEN THAT.

>> Stephen: TO A CUSTOMER.

>> TO A CUSTOMER, "MERRY CHRISTMAS, SAY IT BACK."

>> Stephen: THAT'S DICEY.

HASSAN, THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE.

OBVIOUSLY, MERRY CHRISTMAS.

>> YOU, TOO, MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU, TOO.

>> Stephen: NEW EPISODES OF "PATRIOT ACT WITH HASAN MINHAJ"

ARE ON NETFLIX EVERY SUNDAY.

THAT'S EVERY SUNDAY.

>> EVERY SUNDAY!

>> Stephen: HASAN MINHAJ, EVERYBODY.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A PERFORMANCE BY JASON ISBELL AND

THE 400 UNIT.

>> PRESIDENT TRUMP IS ALSO BRACING FOR AN UPCOMING BOOK

FROM JOHN BOLTON.

THE PRESIDENT SAYS IT WILL REVEAL CLASSIFIED INFORMATION.

>> I THINK IT'S TOTALLY INAPPROPRIATE.

THAT'S HIGHLY CLASSIFIED INFORMATION, EVEN CONVERSATIONS

WITH ME.

THEY'RE HIGHLY CLASSIFIED.

SO THAT WOULD MEAN THAT IF HE WROTE A BOOK AND THE BOOK GETS

OUT, HE'S BROKEN THE LAW.

>> HELLO, I'M JOHN BOLTON'S MUSTACHE, AND I WANT TO THANK

PRESIDENT TRUMP FOR INFORMING THE PUBLIC THAT JOHN BOLTEN'S

CONTAINS SCANDALOUS AND FRANKLY DANGEROUS INFORMATION.

WHY?

BECAUSE THAT KIND OF ACCUSATION SELLS BOOKS, Y'ALL!

I'M GOING TO BE RICH AS HELL!

BUT, IN ALL SERIOUSNESS, PRESIDENT TRUMP'S ACCUSATIONS

ARE GROUNDLESS AND WHO GIVES A DOMPLEGY'S ASS!

IT'S RIDICULOUS!

♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: WELCOME BACK.

PERFORMING "RUNNING WITH OUR EYES CLOSED" FROM THEIR ALBUM

"REUNIONS," LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, JASON ISBELL AND THE

400 UNIT.

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ TOOK FOREVER TO

GET YOU TO TRUST ME ♪ LIKE I WAS FEEDING

A BIRD FROM MY HAND ♪ AND IF THIS ISN'T LOVE

THEN IT MUST BE ♪ ANOTHER ANSWER

I DON'T UNDERSTAND ♪ TO A PRAYER THAT WAS PLEASE

AND NOT THANK YOU ♪ TO A QUESTION I WROTE

IN THE SAND ♪ TO A WISH THAT I MADE

ON A SATELLITE ♪ FROM A WITNESS IN TEARS

ON THE STAND ♪ RUNNING WITH OUR EYES CLOSED

RUNNING WITH OUR EYES CLOSED ♪ WELL YOU ARE WHO YOU ARE

WHEN YOU'RE ANGRY ♪ WHEN YOU'RE SCARED

OR YOU'RE SAD ♪ OR YOU'RE BORED

WHEN A STRANGER HAS ♪ SLIPPED YOU A ROOM KEY

TO A HOTEL ROOM ♪ YOU COULDN'T AFFORD

AND WE CAN NEVER GO BACK ♪ AND BE STRANGERS

ALL OUR SECRETS ARE MIXED ♪ AND DISTILLED

BUT YOU'VE TAUGHT ME ♪ TO TEMPER MY ANGER

AND YOU'VE LEARNED ♪ IT'S ALRIGHT TO BE STILL

WE'RE RUNNING ♪ WITH OUR EYES CLOSED

WE'RE RUNNING ♪ WITH OUR EYES CLOSED

RUNNING WITH OUR EYES CLOSED ♪ WE'RE RUNNING

WITH OUR EYES CLOSED ♪ WE'RE RUNNING

WITH OUR EYES CLOSED ♪ ♪ ♪

♪ SLEEPING ON MY OWN WHEN YOU WON'T FORGIVE ME

♪ SWALLOWING MY PRIDE 'TIL I NEARLY CHOKE

♪ SCREAMING AT THE PHONE WHEN YOU DON'T YOU BELIEVE ME

♪ AND LAUGHING AT THE JOKE WE'RE RUNNING

♪ WITH OUR EYES CLOSED WE'RE RUNNING

♪ WITH OUR EYES CLOSED WE'RE RUNNING

♪ WITH OUR EYES CLOSED WE'RE RUNNING

♪ WITH OUR EYES CLOSED ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪

♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: THANKS, JASON ISBELL

AND THE 400 UNIT.

CHECK OUT ANOTHER SONG FROM THEM, AS WELL AS OTHER GREAT

PERFORMANCES, IN OUR "PLAY-AT- HOME" SERIES, ONLINE AT

colbertlateshow.com.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

>> Stephen: THAT'S IT FOR "A LATE SHOW," EVERYBODY.

TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN I'LL BE JOINED BY SENATOR KAMALA HARRIS

AND MUSICAL GUESTS MILKY CHANCE AND JACK JOHNSON.

STICK AROUND FOR JAMES CORDEN.

BUT FIRST, LET'S SAY GOOD NIGHT WITH SOME MUSIC FROM JON BATISTE

AND STAY HUMAN.

Captioning sponsored by CBS Captioned by

Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪

♪ ♪ ♪ Captioning sponsored by CBS