All language subtitles for Stephen Colbert 2020 06 16 Hasan Minhaj WEB H264 ALiGN_track3_eng

>> MARY L. TRUMP, A TRAINED
CLINICAL PSYCHOLOGIST AND

DONALD'S ONLY NIECE, SHINES A
BRIGHT LIGHT ON THE DARK HISTORY

OF THEIR FAMILY IN ORDER TO
EXPLAIN HOW HER UNCLE BECAME THE

MAN WHO NOW THREATENS THE
WORLD-- THE WORLD'S HEALTH,

ECONOMIC SECURITY, AND SOCIAL
FABRIC.

♪ ♪ ♪
>> PRESIDENT TRUMP'S NIECE IS

PUBLISHING A NEW TELL-ALL BOOK,
AND AUDIBLE HAS THE EXCLUSIVE

SNEAK PEEK, AS READ BY TRUMP'S
NIECE HERSELF.

>> I REMEMBER AS A CHILD, UNCLE
DONALD WOULD SAY, "I GOT YOUR

NOSE!"
AND WE WOULD HAVE TO TAKE HIM TO

COURT TO GET IT BACK.

>> YOU'RE THERE FOR THE DRAMATIC
MOMENTS.

>> EVERY TIME HE BROUGHT HOME A
NEW AUNT, HE WOULD SAY, "DON'T

GET ATTACHED."

>> YOU'LL FEEL AS IF YOU'RE A
PART OF TRUMP FAMILY.

>> WE ALL KNEW IVANKA WAS HIS
FAVORITE, BECAUSE IN OUR

BIRTHDAY CARDS, HE WOULD WRITE,
"IVANKA IS MY FAVORITE."

>> SO VISIT AUDIBLE AND DOWNLOAD
MARY TRUMP'S "TOO MUCH AND NEVER

ENOUGH."

>> WHEN HE TOLD ME TO PULL HIS
FINGER, HE FARTED AND BLAMED

OBAMA.

>> IT'S "A LATE SHOW WITH
STEPHEN COLBERT."

TONIGHT:
TRUMP OF TRUMP'S COP-OUT.

PLUS, STEPHEN WELCOMES
HASAN MINHAJ

AND MUSICAL GUEST JASON ISBELL &
THE 400 UNIT.

FEATURING JON BATISTE AND STAY
HOMIN'.

AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM A
SAFE DISTANCE, IT'S STEPHEN

COLBERT!

>> WHAT?

>> NOTHING!

NOTHING!

I WAS JUST COLLECTING MYSELF.

YOU'RE NOT DOING-- YOU'RE
PERFECT IN EVERY WAY.

>> YEAH, UH-HUH.

( LAUGHTER )
WELCOME, WELCOME, FRIENDS, TO "A

LATE SHOW."

I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

PROTESTS CONTINUE ALL OVER
AMERICA AS PEOPLE FIGHT FOR

RACIAL JUSTICE AND POLICE
REFORM.

NOW THERE HAVE BEEN A LOT OF
UNLIKELY PEOPLE JOINING THE

FIGHT, AND TODAY WE GOT THE
LEAST LIKED OF ALL-- DONALD

TRUMP.

THIS AFTERNOON, DONALD TRUMP
SIGNED AN EXECUTIVE ORDER ON

POLICE REFORM.

NOW, BEFORE YOU GET EXCITED,
DON'T.

IT DOESN'T DO MUCH.

IT DOES PROPOSE A NATIONAL
DATABASE OF POLICE MISCONDUCT.

SO, HE'S COMPILING AN EXCEL
SPREADSHEET OF ALL THE WORST

COPS IN AMERICA.

NOT SURE WHAT HE'S GOING TO DO
WITH IT.

( AS TRUMP )
"LET'S SEE, I NEED SOMEONE TO

CURB-STOMP SOME PROTESTERS.

OH, HE'S GOT BIG BOOTS."

TRUMP'S ORDER WILL ALSO URGE
SOCIAL WORKERS AND MENTAL HEALTH

PROFESSIONALS TO WORK MORE
CLOSELY ALONGSIDE FRONTLINE

OFFICERS.

DOESN'T SAY HOW CLOSELY THEY'LL
BE WORKING TOGETHER?

BECAUSE THAT MIGHT GET WEIRD.

"OKAY, YOU JUST TEAR-GASSED A
GROUP OF UNARMED CIVILIANS.

IS THAT BECAUSE YOU NEVER FELT
ACCEPTED BY YOUR MOTHER?

OKAY, I'M AWARE OF THE TIME.

LET'S TAKE THIS UP AT NEXT
WEEK'S PEPPER SPRAYING."

TRUMP'S PLAN ALSO PROMISES
FEDERAL GRANT MONEY TO ENCOURAGE

LOCAL DEPARTMENTS TO BOLSTER
TRAINING AND CERTIFICATION.

I'M PRETTY SURE THE CHANT IS,
"DEFUND THE POLICE."

IF YOU GIVE THEM MORE FUNDING,
THEY'RE JUST GOING TO SPEND IT

ON A TANK CALLED THE
"DE-ESCALATOR 4,000."

BEFORE THE SIGNING, TRUMP MET
WITH THE FAMILIES OF POLICE

SHOOTING VICTIMS AND MADE THEM A
SOLEMN OATH, WHICH HE SEEMED TO

FORGET IMMEDIATELY:
>> I GAVE A COMMITMENT TO ALL OF

THOSE FAMILIES TODAY WITH
SENATOR TIM SCOTT, ATTORNEY

GENERAL BILL BARR.

WE ARE GOING TO PURSUE...

WHAT WE SAID WE WILL BE
IT, AND WE WILL BE PURSUING IT

STRONGLY.

>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP)
"AS GOD AS MY WITNESS, I PROMISE

TO PURSUE THE THINGAMAJIG THAT
WE SAID WITH THE... FOLKS FOR

THE WHATCHA-CALL-IT AND THOSE
PEOPLE AND WHATS-HER-NAME AND,

THE POINT IS, BLACK LIVES
MEOW-MEOW-MEOW."

NOW, THIS EVENT WAS SUPPOSEDLY
ABOUT POLICE REFORM, BUT TRUMP

MADE IT CLEAR THAT HE DOESN'T
THINK IT'S THAT NECESSARY.

>> NOBODY NEEDS A STRONG,
TRUSTWORTHY POLICE FORCE MORE

THAN THOSE WHO LIVE IN
DISTRESSED AREAS.

AND NOBODY IS MORE OPPOSED TO
THE SMALL NUMBER OF BAD POLICE

OFFICERS-- AND YOU HAVE THEM.

THEY ARE VERY TINY.

I USE THE WORD "TINY."

>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP)
"TINY, BAD COPS.

LITTLE-- LITTLE LEGO BADDIES.

STILL, THE DANGER IS, IF YOU
STEP ON THEM IN THE MIDDLE OF

THE NIGHT, YOU'RE IN FOR A WORLD
OF PAIN."

THOUGH, IT DOES GIVE ME AN IDEA
FOR A NEW SHOW.

COMING THIS FALL ON CBS, "GOOD
COP, TINY COP."

YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN
ADORABLE."

THEN TRUMP ANNOUNCED HIS
DECISIVELY CONDITIONAL ACTION:

>> CHOKEHOLDS WILL BE BANNED
EXCEPT IF AN OFFICER'S LIFE IS

AT RISK.

>> Stephen: THAT'S A LOOPHOLE
BIG ENOUGH TO DRIVE A SQUAD CAR

THROUGH.

"ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,
EVERYBODY.

AFTER MULTIPLE INCIDENTS, HUNGRY
TIGERS WILL NOW BE BANNED FROM

THIS ELEMENTARY SCHOOL, UNLESS
THE TIGER FINDS THE CHILDREN

PARTICULARLY DELICIOUS.

CLASS DISMISSED."

THEN, RIGHT BEFORE HE SIGNED THE
EXECUTIVE ORDER, HE CLOSED BY

MAKING IT CREEPY.

>> WE MUST CHERISH THE
PRINCIPLES OF AMERICA'S FOUNDING

AS WE STRIVE TO DELIVER SAFE,
BEAUTIFUL, ELEGANT JUSTICE, AND

LIBERTY FOR ALL.

>> Stephen: ALSO THIS FALL ON
CBS, "ELEGANT JUSTICE."

SUNDAYS AFTER "GOOD COP, TINY
COP."

THERE IS SOME ACTUAL POLICE
REFORM GOING ON OUT THERE.

IN NEW YORK, ROUGHLY 600
PLAINCLOTHES OFFICERS HAVE BEEN

REASSIGNED TO NEW ROLES
EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY.

THE REASSIGNED OFFICERS WERE
PART OF A SPECIAL UNIT IN THE

N.Y.P.D. KNOWN AS THE
"ANTI-CRIME UNIT."

UM, AREN'T ALL POLICE OFFICERS
THE ANTI-CRIME UNIT?

BECAUSE IF THERE'S A PRO-CRIME
UNIT, THEY REALLY OUGHT TO

REASSIGN THOSE GUYS, TOO.

THIS IS IMPORTANT: THE
ANTI-CRIME UNIT WAS RESPONSIBLE

FOR A DISPROPORTIONATE NUMBER OF
CIVILIAN COMPLAINTS AND FATAL

SHOOTINGS.

THEY MAKE UP 2% OF THE
DEPARTMENT'S UNIFORMED FORCE BUT

THEY HAVE BEEN INVOLVED IN 31%
OF INCIDENTS.

THAT'S NOT A FEW BAD APPLES.

THAT'S AN ORCHARD OF
DESTRUCTION, WHICH IS ALSO THE

NAME OF MY SPEED METAL BAND THAT
ONLY PERFORMS AT FALL FESTIVALS.

OKAY, QUICK PROGRAMMING NOTE: IT
HAS ONLY BEEN A SECOND SINCE

THAT FULL-FRAME GRAPHIC WENT UP,
BUT IT'S BEEN A HALF AN HIR

SINCE I SAID THOSE LAST WORDS
YOU HEARD, BECAUSE WE TOOK A

BREAK TO WRITE ABOUT NEWS THAT
JUST BROKE CONCERNING A NEW BOOK

COMING OUT BY FORMER NATIONAL
SECURITY ADVISER JOHN BOLTON,

SEEN HERE POINTING TO HIS ONLY
FRIEND.

BOLTON HAS WRITTEN AN EXPLOSIVE
BOOK ABOUT HIS TIME IN THE WHITE

HOUSE CALLED "THE ROOM WHERE IT
HAPPENED."

THAT'S A REFERENCE TO THE
MUSICAL "HAMILTON," WHICH I

ASSUME MEANS THE BOOK INCLUDES
BOLTON'S FREESTYLE RAP ABOUT

HAWKISH FOREIGN POLICY.

♪ MY NAME'S JOHNNY B.

AND I'M HERE TO SAY
♪ LET'S NUKE CUBA

AND PARAGUAY
♪ WE'LL TURN TEHRAN

TO A PILE OF ASH
♪ AND IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT

WICKA WICKA WICKA
WICKA WICKA WICKA

NOW, THIS ISN'T THE FIRST
DAMNING WHITE-HOUSE TELL-ALL

WRITTEN BY A FORMER WHITE HOUSE
STAFFER WAY TOO LATE FOR IT TO

MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE.

THERE WAS "UNHINGED," "FIRE AND
FURY," "TEAM OF VIPERS,"

"FURIOUS SNAKE FIRE," "BUCKET OF
TAPEWORMS," AND "HAT FULL O'

RATS."

BUT THIS NEW BOLTON BOOK MUST BE
EXTRA SPICY, BECAUSE TRUMP IS

EXPECTED TO ATTEMPT TO BLOCK ITS
PUBLICATION.

THAT'S A CRAZY STRATEGY--
TELLING PEOPLE THEY CAN'T HAVE

SOMETHING JUST MAKES THEM WANT
IT MORE!

THAT'S WHY THE DISNEY VAULT
EXISTS.

I MEAN, I DON'T GIVE A DAMN
ABOUT IT.

BUT NOW I'M HELL-BENT ON OWNING
"THE ARISTOCATS" ON BLU-RAY!

AND HERE'S WHY WE TOOK A BREAK:
THIS PART RIGHT HERE.

DURING THE TAPING OF THIS
MONOLOGUE, THE DEPARTMENT OF

JUSTICE FILED A
BREACH-OF-CONTRACT SUIT AGAINST

EX-NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISER
JOHN BOLTON.

NOW, LET ME EXPLAIN WHAT THAT
MEANS.

NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THAT MEANS,
BECAUSE WHAT'S BREACH OF

CONTRACT WITH THE GOVERNMENT?

YOU CAN ARREST SOMEBODY FOR
SPREADING STATE SECRETS, BUT

BREACH OF CONTRACT?

BREACH OF CONTRACT IS YOU SUE
YOUR PLUMBER BECAUSE HE NEVER

FINISHED INSTALLING YOUR NEW
SEPTIC TANK, WHICH TRUMP'S

REALLY GOING TO NEED BECAUSE
THIS YOU LAWSUIT IS A HUGE PILE

OF CRAP.

HERE'S APPARENTLY WHAT'S
HAPPENING: UNLIKE EVERY OTHER

LEADER IN THE FREE WORLD, TRUMP
MAKES HIS ADVISERS SIGN

NON-DISCLOSURE AGREEMENTS, AND
THE LAWSUIT CHARGES THAT BOLTON

HAS BREACHED HIS LEGAL
OBLIGATIONS EMBODIED IN HIS

N.D.A.s.

NOW, WE'VE ALL HEARD ABOUT
N.D.A.s.

STORMY DANIELS HAD ONE, AND SHE
GOT OUT OF IT.

SO TRUMP SHOULD JUST CUT BOLTON
A CHECK FOR $130,000 NOW,

BECAUSE NOW BOLTON IS GOING TO
SPANK HIM WITH HIS BOOK,

WHICH I THINK MAKES BOLTON A
PORN STAR--

BIG JOHNNY WALRUS IN "THE ROOM
WHERE IT'S SLAPPIN'."

( AS TRUMP )
"OH, JOHNNY WALRUS, I DON'T KNOW

HOW I'M GOING TO PAY FOR THIS
DIRT ON JOE BIDEN, SO I NEED YOU

TO DO US A FAVOR THOUGH."

THE REAL POINT OF THIS LAWSUIT
IS TO BURY THIS BOOK SO NO ONE

EVER SAYS ITS NAME, WHICH
APPEARS IN THE LAWSUIT

22 TIMES.

NOW, THE LAWSUIT REQUESTS THAT A
TRUST BE SET UP "FOR THE BENEFIT

OF THE UNITED STATES, AND TAKES
IN ANYTHING BOLTON EARNS FROM

SELLING THE BOOK.

FOR THE BENEFIT OF THE UNITED
STATES?

THAT MEANS IT'S YOUR PATRIOTIC
DUTY TO BUY MORE COPIES OF THE

BOOK.

OH, YOU'RE A SLY ONE,
MR. PRESIDENT.

SLY ASK STUPID, RIGHT?

OKAY.

AND IT'S NOT JUST THE BOOK.

TE LAWSUIT SPECIFIES "INCLUDING
MOVIE RIGHTS."

OOH, A MOVIE.

WHO'S GONNA PLAY BOLTON?

RYAN REYNOLDS?

RYAN GOSLING?

CAP'N CRUNCH?

NO, I HAVE ITEE WILL FORD
BRIMLEY.

"I DON'T WANT TO BE INVOLVED IN
WHATEVER DRUG DEAL MULVANEY IS

COOKING UP.

IT'S THE WRONG THING TO DO AND
THE WRONG WAY TO DO IT.

I'VE GOT ENOUGH TROUBLE WITH MY
DIABETES."

AND SCENE.

NOW, THE BOOK IS SLATED TO BE
RELEASED NEXT WEEK, WHICH THE

WHITE HOUSE CLEARLY DID NOT
YESTERDAY:

>> COULD THE ATTORNEY GENERAL
TELL US WHAT THE D.O.J. IS

DOING, IN TERMS OF THE BOLTON
BOOK?

>> WELL, THERE ARE A NUMBER OF
THINGS, BUT THE THING THAT IS

FRONT AND CENTER RIGHT NOW IS
TRYING TO GET HIM TO COMPLETE

THE PROCESS, GO THROUGH THE
PROCESS AND MAKE THE NECESSARY

DELETIONS OF CLASSIFIED
INFORMATION.

>> Reporter: BUT-- BUT THE BOOK
HAS BEEN PUBLISHED.

>> NO, IT HASN'T.

>> Reporter: YES, IT'S BEEN
PUBLISHED.

IT'S JUST NOT RELEASED YET.

>> IT'S BEING PRINTED.

IT'S BEING PRINTED.

>> HASN'T BEEN RELEASED.

>> ACCORDING TO SOURCES IT IS
BEING PRINTED.

IT HASN'T BEEN RELEASED.

>> Stephen: HEY, ATTORNEY
GENERAL DOOFUS, ACCORDING TO

SOURCES, I GOT THIS LAST FRIDAY!

OOOH!

SECRET BOOK!

SECRET BOOK!

OOH, HOT, HOT, HOT, HOT!

BURNING MY HANDS WITH ALL THE
HOT, HOT

SECRET JUICE!

NOW, IT'S UNDER EMBARGO, WHICH
MEANS I'VE RECEIVED IT BUT CAN'T

SAY ANYTHING ABOUT WHAT'S INSIDE
OF IT UNTIL NEXT TUESDAY, WHEN

JOHN BOLTON IS ON MY SHOW,
UNLESS YOU CLAP HIM IN LEG

IRONS, THEN SEND BLACK OPS TO
HALO-JUMP INTO MY LOCALE,

PENETRATE THE PERIMETER OF MY
NIGHTSTAND AND REMOVE THE

CLASSIFIED DOCUMENT I'VE BEEN
RESTING MY ICED TEA ON.

FULL DISCLOSURE: I HAVE NOT READ
IT YET BECAUSE IT LOOKS REALLY

LONG, AND IT HAS NO SYMPATHETIC
CHARACTERS.

BUT LET'S JUST TAKE A SNEAK PEEK
TOGETHER:

HERE WE GO.

OOH!

OOH!

SO THAT'S HOW THE TURKEY EARNED
HIS PARDON!

GASP!

PENCE TRIED SKIM MILK?

DOES MOTHER KNOW?

OH, YEAH, THE CENTERFOLD!

SO THE MUSTACHE DOES MATCH THE
CARPET.

NOW, WE HAVEN'T THOUGHT ABOUT
JOHN BOLTON LATELY BECAUSE OF

ALL THE PROTESTS AND THE, UH,
PLAGUE.

REMEMBER THAT?

LAST WEEK-- THANK YOU, CITIZEN.

LAST WEEK, THE DAILY NUMBER OF
NEW CORONAVIRUS CASES WENT UP IN

22 STATES, BUT THAT'S NOT GOING
TO STOP TRUMP FROM HOLDING A

RALLY THIS SATURDAY IN TULSA,
OKLAHOMA, NO MATTER HOW MANY

PEOPLE WANT HIM TO STOP.

IN AN EDITORIAL YESTERDAY,
TULSA'S LARGEST NEWSPAPER, THE

"TULSA WORLD," OPINED, "THIS IS
THE WRONG TIME AND TULSA IS THE

WRONG PLACE FOR THE TRUMP
RALLY."

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY, TWO
WRONGS MAKE A RALLY FULL OF

WHITES.

THE PAPER EXPLAINED, "THE CITY
AND STATE HAVE AUTHORIZED

REOPENING, BUT THAT DOESN'T MAKE
A MASS INDOOR GATHERING OF

PEOPLE PRESSED CLOSELY TOGETHER
AND CHEERING A GOOD IDEA."

YES, IT'S NOT.

OTHERWISE, I WOULD STILL BE
DOING IT IN THE ED SULLIVAN

THEATER!

I HAVE FORGOTTEN WHAT LAUGHTER
WAS LIKE, AND IT'S KILLING ME.

BUT NOT AS FAST AS HAVING AN
AUDIENCE WOULD KILL THEM.

THAT'S WHY I'M SITTING IN MY
STUDY, SHOUTING JOKES INTO THE

DRAPERIES.

EVEN THE BLONDE-HAIRED GUY WHO
IS STEVE DOOCY QUESTIONED THIS

IDEA TO MIKE PENCE THIS MORNING:
>> WHY DON'T YOU DO SOME OF THE

STUFF OUTSIDE?

WE JUST HAD DR. OZ ON ABOUT A
HALF AN HOUR AGO, AND HE SAID

WHEN YOU'RE IN AN ENCLOSED
PLACE WITH A LOT OF PEOPLE

YELLING-- AND YOU DO HOPE
THERE'S A LOT OF YELLING AND

CHEERING AT THE RALLY IN A
COUPLE OF DAYS-- YOU HAVE THE

AEROSOL, AND THAT STAYS IN THE
AIR FOR HOURS.

SO JUST IN THE INTEREST OF
PUBLIC SAFETY, MAYBE YOU DO IT

OUTSIDE GOING FORWARD.

>> WELL, STEVE, YOU KNOW, YOU
RAISE A GOOD POINT.

AND WHAT I CAN TELL YOU IS IT'S
ALL A WORK IN PROGRESS.

>> Stephen: THAT IS NOT
REASSURING.

IT'S LIKE YOU'RE ABOUT TO HAVE
UNPROTECTED SEX AND YOU SAY TO

YOUR PARTNER, "WAIT, DON'T YOU
HAVE CHLAMYDIA?"

AND THEY SAY, "WELL, DARLING,
YOU RAISE A GOOD POINT, AND WHAT

I CAN TELL YOU IS IT'S ALL A
WORK IN PROGRESS."

NOW, THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN SAYS
THAT HAND SANITIZER AND FACE

MASKS WILL BE OFFERED TO ALL
ATTENDEES, THOUGH NOT

NECESSARILY REQUIRED.

THEN THEY'RE NOT GOING TO WEAR
THEM, JUST LIKE TRUMP DOESN'T

WEAR THEM, WHICH PUTS TRUMP IN
DANGER, TOO.

THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED
STATES IS GOING TO BE EXPOSED TO

THE AEROSOLIZED SPITTLE OF
19,000 PEOPLE.

HONEST TO GOD, HOW DOES THE
SECRET SERVICE ALLOW HIM TO DO

THAT?

LOOK, I NEVER THOUGHT I'D SAY
THIS, BUT, SIR, PLEASE, BUILD

THE WALL.

THE CAMPAIGN APPARENTLY PLANS NO
SOCIAL DISTANCING.

PEOPLE WILL LIKELY BE PACKED
SHOULDER TO SHOULDER, WHICH IS A

CONCEPT THE PRESIDENT HAS
ENDORSED, SAYING IT "LOSES A LOT

OF FLAVOR" TO HAVE HIS DEVOTED
FANS SPREAD OUT.

( AS TRUMP )
AND THE YOU GOTTA KEEP IN THE

FLAVOR BECAUSE I SEE MY
SUPPORTERS LIKE VEAL.

I LIKE 'EM PACKED TIGHT, UNABLE
TO MOVE, OR ELSE THE MUSCLES GET

ALL STRINGY.

AND BEFORE ANYONE ACCUSES ME OF
BEING A CANNIBAL, KEEP IN MIND I

DO NOT CONSIDER OTHER PEOPLE
HUMAN."

WE HAVE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT.

I'LL BE TALKING TO COMEDIAN
HASAN MINHAJ.

BUT WHEN WE COME BACK,
"MEANWHILE!"

REMEMBER "MEANWHILE?"
STICK AROUND.

♪ ♪ ♪

♪♪

AT ALL.

>> Jon: YOU GOT A LOT ON YOUR
MIND, TOO?

>> Stephen: YEAH, YEAH, WE ALL
DO.

THE THING SIGOT UP-- NORMALLY I
LISTEN TO A PODCAST OR SOMETHING

TO GO TO SLEEP.

>> Jon: RIGHT.

>> Stephen: BUT I WOKE UP
BEFORE THE PODCAST GOT POSTED SO

I STARTED LISTENING TO THEM FROM
LAST WEEK, SO I STARTED GETTING

ANXIOUS ABOUT NEWS I ALREADY
LEARNED ABOUT FIVE DAYS AGO.

IT WAS A BAD-- A BAD LOOP TO BE
IN.

>> Jon: OH, NO, THE NEWS NOW,
I WOULDN'T WANT TO REPEAT ANY OF

IT.

IT'S REALLY SOMETHING THAT I
THINK IS GOOD TO HAVE A SONG IN

YOUR HEART.

I'VE BEEN KEEPING THAT SONG I
WAS PLAYING, JUST TRYING TO KEEP

SONGS IN MY HEART.

I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S ABOUT
SINGING THEM EVEN, JUST HAVING

THEM IN THE ROTATION, YOU KNOW.

>> Stephen: WOULD YOU-- WOULD
YOU MIND PLAYING A LITTLE BIT OF

THE SONG THAT'S IN YOUR HEART
RIGHT NOW?

>> Jon: OH, YEAH, OF COURSE.

>> Stephen: THANK YOU.

♪ ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ ♪

♪ ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ ♪

>> Stephen: JON BATISTE,
EVERYBODY.

IT'S IN THERE.

IT'S IN THERE.

>> Jon: YES, INDEED.

>> Stephen: THANK YOU, JON.

YOU KNOW, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME
HEWING THE BIGGEST SLABS OF NEWS

MARBLE OUT OF CURRENT EVENTS
MOUNTAIN, ASSEMBLING THEM

ACCORDING TO DETAILED
ARCHITECTURAL PLANS, CARVING

INTRICATE BAR-RELIEFS INTO ITS
WALLS, AND ORNAMENTING IT ALL

WITH A LAPIDARY OF PRECIOUS
GEMSTONES TO CREATE FOR YOU THE

TAJ MAHAL THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.

BUT SOMETIMES, I LIKE TO DRAG
SOME CORRUGATED TIN SLATS INTO

THE WOODS, CLAMP 'EM TOGETHER
WITH BUNGIE CORDS, TOSS A TORN

BOAT SAIL OVER IT, THEN HUNKER
DOWN TO SCRIBBLE A JOKE

MANIFESTO IN THE DEMENTED
LONER-CABIN OF NEWS THAT IS MY

SEGMENT:
"QUARANTINE-WHILE!"

>> Stephen: QUARANTINE-WHILE,
"DARTH VADER IS ENFORCING THE

LOCKDOWN IN A
PHILIPPINE VILLAGE."

AND THE CAMPAIGN'S OBJECTIVE IS
TO "TELL OFF RESIDENTS WHO STILL

GO OUTDOORS WITHOUT THE PROPER
QUARANTINE PASSES NEEDED AND

ALSO THOSE WHO DO NOT WEAR FACE
MASKS."

AND VADER IS PARTICULARLY HARSH
ON THOSE WHO DON'T WASH THEIR

HANDS:
>> NOOOOO!

>> Stephen: (AS VADER)
"I FIND YOUR LACK OF HYGIENE

DISTURBING."

A LITTLE MORE BANE THAN VADER, I
WILL ADMIT THAT.

QUARANTINE-WHILE, AFTER MORE
THAN TWO MONTHS OF LOCKDOWN FOR

CORONAVIRUS, THERE ARE HOPEFUL
SIGNS THAT WE MAY BE EMERGING

FROM OUR LONG NATIONAL
NIGHTMARE, BECAUSE "COSTCO HAS

ANNOUNCED THEIR FREE SAMPLES
WILL RETURN THIS MONTH."

FINALLY!

FINALLY!

IT IS SAFE FOR SHOPPERS TO
RETURN TO EATING A TINY SQUARE

OF CHEESE OFF A BIG TRAY OF TINY
SQUARES OF CHEESE AND

ROOM-TEMPERATURE TURKEY SAUSAGE
THAT HAS BEEN SITTING OUT FOR

HOURS.

NATURE IS HEALING.

THAT ONE HIT HOME.

>> YEAH.

>> Stephen: QUARANTINE-WHILE,
PAGES OF HIS PREVIOUSLY

UNPUBLISHED NOTES SHOW THAT
"ISAAC NEWTON PROPOSED CURING

PLAGUE WITH TOAD VOMIT," USING
"BLENDED POWDERED TOAD WITH TOAD

VOMIT TO FORM LOZENGES," TO
WHICH 17th CENTURY ENGLAND SAID,

"I'LL STICK WITH THE PLAGUE."

QUARANTINE-WHILE, "A BREWERY IS
OFFERING $20,000 FOR SOMEONE TO

HIKE THE ENTIRE APPALACHIAN
TRAIL WHILE DRINKING BEER."

THE DEVILS BACK-BONE BREWING
COMPANY IS HIRING A "CHIEF

HIKING OFFICER," WHO WILL TREK
THE ENTIRE 2,200-MILE TRAIL FROM

GEORGIA TO MAINE, CONSUMING AND
SHARING PLENTY OF BREWS ALONG

THE WAY."

ALTERNATELY, THEY'LL GIVE YOU A
CANOE, AND YOU CAN ROW TO MAINE

ON A RIVER OF YOUR OWN URINE.

QUARANTINE-WHILE, A RECENTLY
PUBLISHED SCIENTIFIC PAPER ASKS

AN IMPORTANT QUESTION: "DID
MEN'S BEARDS EVOLVE TO ABSORB A

PUNCH TO THE JAW?"
NO WONDER THAT MALL SANTA

WOULDN'T GO DOWN.

WHEN MY KID ASKS FOR HOT WHEELS,
HE EXPECTS HOT WHEELS, OLD MAN.

THE ARTICLE WAS PUBLISHED IN THE
SCIENTIFIC JOURNAL "INTEGRATIVE

ORGANISMAL BIOLOGY," EASILY IN
MY TOP THREE FAVORITE JOURNALS

OF ORGANISMAL BIOLOGY.

IT WAS PREVIOUSLY ARGUED THAT
BEARDS EVOLVED AS ORNAMENTATION

TO ATTRACT A MATE.

BUT THIS NEW RESEARCH ARGUES
THAT "HAIRS IN A BEARD WOULD

COLLECTIVELY DIFFUSE THE FORCE
OF A BLOW AND SO MAY HAVE

EVOLVED IN RESPONSE TO THE NEED
TO WIN MALE-MALE BATTLES."

CHECKS OUT.

LEAVE IT TO MEN TO SPEND
THOUSANDS OF YEARS EVOLVING

SHOCK ABSORBERS FOR YOUR FACE
INSTEAD OF JUST BEING LESS OF A

DICK.

QUARANTINE-WHILE, "DOMINO'S
PIZZA JUST REVEALED A NIFTY

MICROWAVE HACK TO PREVENT
SOGGINESS," SAYING "ADD A

HALF-FULL CUP OF WATER TO THE
MICROWAVE WITH YOUR PIZZA AND

HEAT FOR AROUND 30 SECONDS."

AND FOR OPTIMUM FLAVOR, LEAVE
THE DOMINO'S IN THE MICROWAVE

AND ORDER PIZZA FROM ANYWHERE
ELSE.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH
COMEDIAN HASAN MINHAJ.

♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,

EVERYBODY.

MY FIRST GUEST TONIGHT IS A VERY
FUNNY COMEDIAN YOU KNOW FROM

"PATRIOT ACT WITH HASAN MINHAJ."

PLEASE WELCOME, HASAN MINHAJ!

HASSAN!

HOW ARE YOU?

>> I'M DOING GREAT, MAN HOW ARE
YOU.

>> Stephen: I'M DOING WELL.

I SEND GREETINGS FROM A MUTUAL
FRIEND OF OURS.

I JUST GOT OFF THE PHONE WITH
JON STEWART.

HE SAYS PLEASE GIVE HIM MY BEST.

>> THANK YOU, WOW.

A MUTUAL FRIEND.

>> Stephen: HE'S A VERY
FRIENDLY GUY.

>> HE WAS COOL, TOO.

>> Stephen: VERY FRIENDLY GUY.

>> YEAH.

>> Stephen: GOOD TO SEE YOU.

I WATCHED THIS WEEK YOUR
INCREDIBLE MONOLOGUE YOU DID ON

THIS PAST WEEK'S EPISODE OF
"PATRIOT ACT" WHERE YOU RESPOND

TO THE GEORGE FLOYD KILLING BY
SPEAKING DIRECTLY TO THE ASIAN

AMERICAN COMMUNITY.

>> YEAH.

>> Stephen: AND, LISTEN, AS A
WHITE GUY WITH HIS OWN PRIVILEGE

AND HIS OWN GUILT ABOUT SYSTEMIC
RACISM, THANK YOU FOR SHOWING

THAT THERE ARE OTHER FORMS OF
RACISM IN THE WORLD THAT YOU ARE

ADDRESSING FROM YOUR OWN
INMIMITABLE WAY.

>> I'M HAPPY TO CARRY SOME OF
THAT GUILT, MAN.

>> Stephen: I'VE GOT PLENTY TO
SHARE, IF YOU'D LIKE SOME.

>> I DON'T KNOW.

ARE YOU ON WHATTSAPP, STEPHEN,
OUT OF CURIOSITY.

>> Stephen: I'D LIKE A LAWYER
BEFORE YOU ANSWER THIS.

YEAH, SURE, WHY NOT?

>> OKAY.

IT'S A BIG PART OF THE ASIAN
COMMUNITY AND THE WAY WE

COMMUNICATE WITH LOVED ONES AND
FRIENDS AROUND THE WORLD.

AND, YOU KNOW, AFTER THE MURDER
OF GEORGE FLOYD AND PEACEFUL

PROTESTS STARTED HAPPENING,
WHICH THEN SORT OF LED TO SOME

OF THE RIOTING AND SOME OF THE
LOOTING THAT SORT OF BROKE OFF

OF THAT, THERE WAS A LOT OF VERY
UGLY CONVERSATIONS THAT WERE

HAPPENING IN OUR COMMUNITY ON
WHATTSAPP, AUNTIES AND UNCLES

WITH THEIR KIDS HAVING THESE
TENSE CONVERSATION ABOUT

PROTESTING.

"SOME NECESSARY?

HAVE THEY GONE TOO FAR?"
AND I KIND OF FELT, ESPECIALLY

BECAUSE A LOT OF
FIRST-GENERATION BUSINESSES,

SMALL BUSINESSES, WERE BEING
AFFECTED BY THIS, THEY SHOULD

PUT TOGETHER A PIECE AND KIND OF
ADDRESS-- ADDRESS THIS REALLY

KIND OF UGLY CONVERSATION THAT
WAS HAPPENING.

BECAUSE A LOT OF TIMES WHEN WE
TALK ABOUT RACE IN AMERICA, WE

CONSIDER INT IN OUR COMMUNITY TO
BE A VERY BLACK-WHITE

CONVERSATION, AND WE DON'T THINK
THAT WE'RE PARTICIPANTS IN IT.

AND I THINK THERE'S TWO KEY
PIECES OF INFORMATION THAT WE

TAKE FOR GRANTED.

NUMBER ONE, THE LEGISLATION THAT
WAS PASSED IN 1964 AND 1965, THE

IMMIGRATION ACT THAT WAS PASSED
IN '65, WE ARE BENEFICIARIES OF

THAT.

THAT'S THE REASON MY DAD WAS
ABLE TO COME HERE IN 1982.

WHETHER WE LIKE IT OR NOT,
MARTIN LUTHER KING JR. CC'D US

ON THAT EMAIL OF PROGRESS SO WE
OWE A LOT TO THE AFRICAN

AMERICAN COMMUNITY HERE IN
AMERICA.

AND THEN NUMBER TWO, IF YOU
ACTUALLY LOOK AT THE PHOTO OF

WHAT HAPPENED DURING THE
KILLING, WE'RE AT THE SCENE OF

THE CRIME, YOU KNOW.

THE OWNER OF CUP FOODS IS
ARAB-AMERICAN MUSLIM, AND ONE OF

THE FOUR POLICE OFFICERS IS MONG
AMERICAN.

SO I'M NOT SAYING WE WERE
DIRECTLY INVOLVED IN THE KILLING

OF GEORGE FLOYD, BUT WE'RE
THERE, AND IT'S OUR JOB TO TAKE

THE KNEE OFF THAT MAN'S NECK.

AND TO ME, I JUST FELT LIKE IT
WAS A MOMENT OF SOLIDARITY FOR

US TO KIND OF STEP UP AND SAY,
"HEY, WE ARE PART OF AMERICA,

AND WE DON'T JUST GET TO OWN ITS
SUCCESSES.

WE ALSO HAVE TO OWN ITS
FAILURES.

THAT'S WHAT IT MEANS TO BE AN
AMERICAN CITIZEN."

>> Stephen: IT HAS BEEN
RECEIVED VERY WELL ONLINE.

IT'S GOT MORE THAN FOUR MILLION
VIEWS JUST ON YOUTUBE.

>> YUP.

>> Stephen: HAVE YOU GOTTEN
ANY REACTIONS FROM YOUR FRIENDS

AND RELATIVES?

>> YEAH, A LOT OF PEOPLE HAVE
BEEN SAYING-- YOU KNOW, AROUND

THE WORLD JUST, "HEY, CAN YOU
TRANSLATE THIS, PLEASE.

AND CAN YOU NOT USE THE "F" WORD
SO MUCH?"

>> Stephen: LOOK WHAT AMERICA
HAS DONE TO YOU, HASSAN.

>> I KNOW, MAN, I KNOW.

>> Stephen: YOU DID AN EPISODE
IN THE FALL OF 2019, IN

SEPTEMBER.

>> YES.

>> Stephen: ON "PATRIOT ACT"
THAT WAS ALL ABOUT OUR BROKEN

POLICING SYSTEM IN THE UNITED
STATES.

>> YES, YES.

>> Stephen: WHAT DID YOU
LEARN-- I MEAN, THAT IS

CERTAINLY A SUBJECT THAT HAS
BEEN GOING ON A LONG TIME.

YOU DID AN ENTIRE EPISODE ON
THAT.

WHAT DID YOU LEARN THAT YOU
DIDN'T KNOW BEFORE?

>> GOING INTO IT THERE WAS STILL
THIS KIND OF DIVISIVE,

THIRD-RAIL ISSUE.

AND IT'S NOT LIKE NOW WHERE A
LOT OF PEOPLE, YOU KNOW, NOT

ONLY IN THE WRITERS' ROOM, BUT
JUST KIND OF EDITORIALLY WERE

LEAK, "NO, NOW IS THE TIME TO
TALK ABOUT IT."

BUT TO ME THE BIG THING I FOUND
TO BE MOST SHOPPING THAT I

WANTED TO APPROACH THE WHOLE
EPISODE ABOUT WAS TO TALK ABOUT

QUALIFIED IMMUNITY.

I HAD NO IDEA THAT IT'S ALMOST
IMPOSSIBLE TO SUE A COP.

I THOUGHT THAT WAS WHAT WE LOVED
TO DO MOST IN THIS COUNTRY.

>> Stephen: THAT'S WHAT CORY
BOOKER IS TRYING TO ELIMINATE

WITH HIS LEGISLATION.

>> YES.

>> Stephen: IT DOESN'T HAVE
THAT MUCH CHANCE IN THE SENATE

RIGHT NOW.

>> AND IT GOT SHOT DOWN, RIGHT,
IN THE SUPREME COURT?

YEAH.

>> Stephen: I'M NOT-- DON'T
QUOTE ME ON THAT ONE.

>> OKAY.

DON'T QUOTE ME ON THAT WHEREON.

>> Stephen: DON'T QUOTE ME ON
THAT ONE.

IF I'M NOT MISTAKEN-- AGAIN,
DON'T QUOTE ME ON THIS ONE-- I

THINK TIM SCOTT SAID THAT'S A
POISON PILL AND YOU HAVE TO TAKE

THAT OFF.

>> TO ME, I REMEMBER ONE OF THE
JOKES I PITCHED IN THE WRITERS'

ROOM WAS ONE OF THE FIRST SONGS
THEY LEARNED WHEN I WAS A LITTLE

KID WAS THE THEME SONG TO
"CELINEO AND BARNS."

>> Stephen: YEAH, YEAH.

LET'S HEAR IT
♪ CELINEO AND BARNS

INJURY ATTORNEYS 800-888-8888 ♪
IT WAS ON TV ALL THE TIME,

STEPHEN.

LIKE, I THOUGHT I WAS LIKE,
YEAH, WE ALL-- WE LOVE SUING

EACH GLRG WE ALL GET TO SUE
EVERYBODY.

>> YEAH, BUT WE CAN'T SUE COPS.

SO UNDERSTANDING QUALIFIED
IMMUNITY, POLICE UNIONS AND

WARRIOR TRAINING, THAT WAS
SOMETHING THAT WAS REALLY

SHOCKING TO SORT OF SEE, AND WE
WANTED TO ANNUAL IT THAT WAY.

WHY IS IT, EVEN IN THE WAKE OF,
SAY, ERIC GARNER, WHY IS IT SO

HARD ONCE YOU'VE CHARGED POLICE
OFFICERS TO PROSECUTE BAD POLICE

OFFICERS AND HAVE THEM SERVE
TIME IN PRISON.

>> Stephen: YES, THAT SEEMS
LIKE A PRETTY SIMPLE ARGUMENT TO

MAKE BECAUSE WHAT OFTEN GETS
THROWN BACK IS, WHAT, ABOUT THE

PEOPLE WHO HAVE DONE VIOLENCE
AGAINST THE POLICE?"

OH, THOSE PEOPLE WILL STAND
TRIAL.

>> OH, YEAH, FOR SURE, AND THEY
WILL GET PROSECUTED AND THEY

WILL SERVE TIME IN PRISON.

>> Stephen: IT'S ABOUT EQUAL
JUSTICE, INCLUDING ANYONE WHO

COMMITS A CRIME HAS TO FACE THE
CONSEQUENCES.

THAT'S-- THAT'S WHERE THE ANGER
COMES FROM, ASIDE FROM THE

VIOLENCE AND WANT OPPRESSION AND
THE BRUTALITY.

IT ACTUALLY COMES FROM THAT
THERE ARE NO CONSEQUENCES FOR

IT.

>> THIS IS THE WHOLE THING I
DON'T LIKE ABOUT PEOPLE WHO KIND

OF HOG THE CONVERSATION, THE
"WHAT ABOUT-ISM."

AND YOU'VE DEALT WITH THAT FOR A
LONG TIME WHEN YOU KIND OF HAVE

HAD POLITICIANS ON THE OTHER
SIDE OF THE AISLE "WHAT ABOUT

THIS?

BLACK LIVES MATTER.

ALL LIVES MATTER."

WHY ARE YOU MAKING THIS ALL
ABOUT YOU?

LIKE AT ANY POINT, I REMEMBER MY
WEDDING DAY.

"TODAY IS MY WEDDING DAY."

"WHAT ABOUT MY WEDDING DAY?"
"IT'S NOT YOUR WEDDING DAY."

>> Stephen: THIS IS THE WORST
WEDDING I HAVE EVER BEEN TO.

WE'RE NOT THROWING RICE.

>> OKAY.

>> Stephen: OKAY, YOU'RE A
STAND-UP AND YOU TYPICALLY HAVE

A LIVE AUDIENCE.

>> YEAH.

>> Stephen: FOR ""PATRIOT
ACT."

HOW MANY SHOWS HAVE YOU DONE NOW
WITHOUT A LIVE AUDIENCE, DO YOU

KNOW?

>> WE'VE DONE SEVEN.

>> Stephen: HOW DOES THAT
FEEL.

>> WE BUILT THE GREEN SCREEN
STUDIO.

IT'S IN OUR LIVING ROOM, AND OUR
SHOW RUNNER AND CREATOR OF THE

SHOW LIVES IN THE BASEMENT.

>> Stephen: HE LIVES AT YOUR
HOUSE?

>> YEAH, HE'S DOWNSTAIRS RIGHT
NOW.

( BANGS ON THE FLOOR."

>> Stephen: THAT'S AWFUL.

LITERALLY, IT'S ONE THING-- I
HAVE CAMERAS IN MY HOUSE AND MY

WIFE IS MY ENTIRE CREW RIGHT
NOW, BUT, LITERALLY, YOUR SHOWN

RUNNER IS IN YOUR BASEMENT?

>> YEAH.

I THOUGHT JON BATISTE LIVED
UPSTAIRS.

>> Stephen: NEXT DOOR.

WE HAVE A PULLEY SYSTEM.

WE HAVE A PULLEY SYSTEM.

HASSAN, WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK
BREAK BUT STILL AROUND,

EVERYBODY.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE
HASAN MINHAJ.

♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY,

WE'RE BACK WITH THE HOST OF
"PATRIOT ACT" HASAN MINHAJ.

WELL, CONGRATULATIONS ON THE NEW
BABY.

>> THANK YOU.

>> Stephen: WHAT'S IT LIKE--
THIS IS YOUR SECOND CHILD.

WHAT'S IT LIKE TO HAVE BABIES IN
COVID, UNDER QUARANTINE?

>> WE HAD THE BABY RIGHT AS
COVID WAS HITTING THE STATES,

AND WE'RE VERY LUCKY, YOU KNOW.

SHOUT-OUTS TO MOUNT SIME EAST.

BABY BOY WAS BORN HEALTHY.

BUT IT WAS WEIRD, MAN.

LIKE SEEING, YOU KNOW, DOCTORS
WITH, LIKE, YOU KNOW JUST, LIKE,

DISH WASHING GLOVES AND DONATED
P.P.E.

IT WAS A REALLY --
>> Stephen: WOW.

>> STRANGE THING.

AND HE'S PART OF THIS NEW
GENERATION OF KIDS.

THAT'S, THEY'RE THE --
>> Stephen: DO THEY HAVE A

NAME?

OUR QIDZ KIDS SPLIT BETWEEN
MILLENNIAL AND GEN-Z., I THINK.

>> STEPHEN I HEAR THEY'RE CALLED
GEN-C.

I THOUGHT QUARANTINES WAS THE
WAY TO GO.

BUT IT'S GEN-C.-C.

>> Stephen: THEY EVENTUALLY
WLL BE THE QUARANTINES.

>> STEPHEN YOU KNOW THERE'S A
WAR RIGHT NOW.

>> Stephen: THERE IS.

>> YEAH, BETWEEN THE
GENERATIONS.

>> Stephen: WHO'S WINNING.

>> RIGHT NOW A FULL-ON
ONSLAUGHT-- IT'S A MASSACRE

RIGHT NOW GEN-"Z" HATES MY
GENERATION, THE MILLENNIALS.

FOR A LONG TIME THERE WAS A BIG
THING BETWEEN MILLENNIALS,

GEN-X., AND WE COLLECTIVELY
HATED THE BOOMERS.

BUT RIGHT NOW, MY GENERATION,
WE'RE GETTING OUR ASSES HANKED

TO US.

WE'RE GETTING MADE FUN OF OUR
DIETARY HABITS.

WE'RE GETTING MADE FUN OF OUR
LOVE OF POP CULTURE AND HARRY

POPTER AND 90s TELEVISION.

AND I'LL BE HONEST-- A LOT OF MY
CORE DEMOGRAPHIC HAS BEEN

RIPPING ME A NEW ONE IN THE
INTERNET COMMENTS.

>> Stephen: DO YOU ENGAGE?

>> I HAVE.

>> Stephen: DON'T ENGAGE!

>> I HAVE ENGAGED.

I HAVE ENGAGED.

>> Stephen: YOU'RE
OUT-NUMBERED.

>> I'LL TELL YOU WHAT THE
GIVEAWAY IS.

THEY'LL BE LIKE, "THAT JOKE IS
SO CRINGEY."

AND I'LL BE LIKE, "REALLY,
BRANDON.

YOU'RE UNEMPLOYED.

WHAT AM I DOING?

THIS GUY IS NINE YEARS OLD.

BUT I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE CRAP
FROM A PERSON WHO IS DUNKING ON

ME WITH THEIR OLDER SISTER'S
CRACKED iPHONE 6S.

>> Stephen: SO YOU RECENTLY
DID AN EPISODE OF "PATRIOT ACT"

CALLING OUT TRUMP FOR NOT TAKING
THE PANDEMIC SERIOUSLY.

FIRST OF ALL, WELL SPOTTED.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE CLUES
WERE.

>> YEAH.

>> Stephen: THAT YOU TEASED
OUT OF HIS BEHAVIOR.

>> WHEN YOU TALK ABOUT A UNIQUE
TAKE, STEPHEN, I WOULD SAY THAT

ONE-- IT WAS JUST-- IT WAS RIGHT
THERE.

WE PICKED IT UP.

>> Stephen: YOU'RE NOT GOING
TO GET THAT ANYWHERE ELSE.

THAT'S WHAT YOU GO TO "PATRIOT
ACT" FOR.

TELL ME ABOUT THIS-- TELL ME
ABOUT THIS TRUMP GUY.

SO-- WHAT DO YOU MAKE OF HIM
HOLDING THE RALLY IN TULSA ON

SATURDAY?

>> LOOK, I THINK IT'S SO
INTERESTING.

YOU KNOW, FOR THE LONGEST TIME I
FELT LIKE, AS A COUNTRY WE'VE

BEEN LOOKING FOR LEADERSHIP, AND
RIGHT NOW WE DON'T NEED A

PRESIDENT.

I THINK WE NEED A COMMISSIONER.

I FEEL LIKE N.B.A. COMMISSIONER
ADAM SILVER HAS DONE A GREAT

JOB.

HE'S MANAGED 50 TEAMS BETTER
THAN TRUMP HAS MANAGED 50

STATES.

>> Stephen: SURE.

>> WHILE THEY'RE EASING THINGS
BACK IN I FIND IT KIND OF

TERRIFYING THAT HE WANTS TO
FULL-ON RAW DOG THAT 'RONA THIS

WEEK.

I CERTAINLY HOPE PEOPLE WEAR
MASKS.

>> Stephen: EVIDENTLY, THEY'RE
GOING TO GIVE THE MASKS AND HAND

SANITIZER, BUT THEY'RE SAYING
YOU DON'T HAVE TO USE THEM.

>> IT'S OPTIONAL.

>> Stephen: IT'S OPTIONAL.

>> MY THING SITHINK THEY CAN
MAKE IT WORK IF THEY JUST

REBRANDED THE MASKS.

WE HAVE TO THINK OF MASKS--
BECAUSE IT'S BECOME THIS CULTURE

WAR.

BUT WE HAVE TO THINK OF MASKS AS
BUMPER STICKERS FOR YOUR FACE.

>> Stephen: I LIKE IT.

I LIKE IT.

>> JUST PUT WHATEVER YOU WANT ON
IT.

>> Stephen: LIKE
RECOMMENDATIONS.

>> HYDROXYCHLOROQUINE IS THE
( BLEEP ).

>> Stephen: THIS ISN'T
NETFLIX.

YOU CAN'T SAY THAT ON CBS.

>> WE HAVE A-- OKAY, ALT, ALT.

5"G" CAUSES COVID.

>> Stephen: I HEARD THAT.

>> THE ONE I REALLY LIKE IF I
WAS AT RALLY WOULD BE, "MARY

CHRISTMAS, SAY IT BACK."

WHEN I USED TO BAG GROCERIES AT
SAFEWAY-- I USED TO BAG

GROCERIES AT SAFEWAY, AND DURING
CHRISTMAS YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO SAY

"MERRY CHRISTMAS.

AND ONE OF OUR MANAGERS HE GOT
REALLY MAD, DEXTER, AND ONE TIME

HE WAS RINGING UP AND I WAS
BAGGING GROCERY, AND SAID "MERRY

CHRISTMAS" TO A YOUNG LADY.

AND SHE DIDN'T SAY IT BANNING.

AND HE GOES, "MERRY CHRISTMAS.

MERRY CHRISTMAS, SAY IT BACK."

AND I HAVE NEVER FORGOTTEN THAT.

>> Stephen: TO A CUSTOMER.

>> TO A CUSTOMER, "MERRY
CHRISTMAS, SAY IT BACK."

>> Stephen: THAT'S DICEY.

HASSAN, THANK YOU FOR BEING
HERE.

OBVIOUSLY, MERRY CHRISTMAS.

>> YOU, TOO, MERRY CHRISTMAS TO
YOU, TOO.

>> Stephen: NEW EPISODES OF
"PATRIOT ACT WITH HASAN MINHAJ"

ARE ON NETFLIX EVERY SUNDAY.

THAT'S EVERY SUNDAY.

>> EVERY SUNDAY!

>> Stephen: HASAN MINHAJ,
EVERYBODY.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A
PERFORMANCE BY JASON ISBELL AND

THE 400 UNIT.

>> PRESIDENT TRUMP IS ALSO
BRACING FOR AN UPCOMING BOOK

FROM JOHN BOLTON.

THE PRESIDENT SAYS IT WILL
REVEAL CLASSIFIED INFORMATION.

>> I THINK IT'S TOTALLY
INAPPROPRIATE.

THAT'S HIGHLY CLASSIFIED
INFORMATION, EVEN CONVERSATIONS

WITH ME.

THEY'RE HIGHLY CLASSIFIED.

SO THAT WOULD MEAN THAT IF HE
WROTE A BOOK AND THE BOOK GETS

OUT, HE'S BROKEN THE LAW.

>> HELLO, I'M JOHN BOLTON'S
MUSTACHE, AND I WANT TO THANK

PRESIDENT TRUMP FOR INFORMING
THE PUBLIC THAT JOHN BOLTEN'S

CONTAINS SCANDALOUS AND FRANKLY
DANGEROUS INFORMATION.

WHY?

BECAUSE THAT KIND OF ACCUSATION
SELLS BOOKS, Y'ALL!

I'M GOING TO BE RICH AS HELL!

BUT, IN ALL SERIOUSNESS,
PRESIDENT TRUMP'S ACCUSATIONS

ARE GROUNDLESS AND WHO GIVES A
DOMPLEGY'S ASS!

IT'S RIDICULOUS!

♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK.

PERFORMING "RUNNING WITH OUR
EYES CLOSED" FROM THEIR ALBUM

"REUNIONS," LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN, JASON ISBELL AND THE

400 UNIT.

♪ ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ ♪

♪ ♪ ♪
♪ TOOK FOREVER TO

GET YOU TO TRUST ME
♪ LIKE I WAS FEEDING

A BIRD FROM MY HAND
♪ AND IF THIS ISN'T LOVE

THEN IT MUST BE
♪ ANOTHER ANSWER

I DON'T UNDERSTAND
♪ TO A PRAYER THAT WAS PLEASE

AND NOT THANK YOU
♪ TO A QUESTION I WROTE

IN THE SAND
♪ TO A WISH THAT I MADE

ON A SATELLITE
♪ FROM A WITNESS IN TEARS

ON THE STAND
♪ RUNNING WITH OUR EYES CLOSED

RUNNING WITH OUR EYES CLOSED
♪ WELL YOU ARE WHO YOU ARE

WHEN YOU'RE ANGRY
♪ WHEN YOU'RE SCARED

OR YOU'RE SAD
♪ OR YOU'RE BORED

WHEN A STRANGER HAS
♪ SLIPPED YOU A ROOM KEY

TO A HOTEL ROOM
♪ YOU COULDN'T AFFORD

AND WE CAN NEVER GO BACK
♪ AND BE STRANGERS

ALL OUR SECRETS ARE MIXED
♪ AND DISTILLED

BUT YOU'VE TAUGHT ME
♪ TO TEMPER MY ANGER

AND YOU'VE LEARNED
♪ IT'S ALRIGHT TO BE STILL

WE'RE RUNNING
♪ WITH OUR EYES CLOSED

WE'RE RUNNING
♪ WITH OUR EYES CLOSED

RUNNING WITH OUR EYES CLOSED
♪ WE'RE RUNNING

WITH OUR EYES CLOSED
♪ WE'RE RUNNING

WITH OUR EYES CLOSED
♪ ♪ ♪

♪ SLEEPING ON MY OWN
WHEN YOU WON'T FORGIVE ME

♪ SWALLOWING MY PRIDE
'TIL I NEARLY CHOKE

♪ SCREAMING AT THE PHONE
WHEN YOU DON'T YOU BELIEVE ME

♪ AND LAUGHING AT THE JOKE
WE'RE RUNNING

♪ WITH OUR EYES CLOSED
WE'RE RUNNING

♪ WITH OUR EYES CLOSED
WE'RE RUNNING

♪ WITH OUR EYES CLOSED
WE'RE RUNNING

♪ WITH OUR EYES CLOSED ♪
♪ ♪ ♪

♪ ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ ♪

♪ ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ ♪

♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: THANKS, JASON ISBELL

AND THE 400 UNIT.

CHECK OUT ANOTHER SONG FROM
THEM, AS WELL AS OTHER GREAT

PERFORMANCES, IN OUR "PLAY-AT-
HOME" SERIES, ONLINE AT

colbertlateshow.com.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

>> Stephen: THAT'S IT FOR "A
LATE SHOW," EVERYBODY.

TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN I'LL BE
JOINED BY SENATOR KAMALA HARRIS

AND MUSICAL GUESTS MILKY CHANCE
AND JACK JOHNSON.

STICK AROUND FOR JAMES CORDEN.

BUT FIRST, LET'S SAY GOOD NIGHT
WITH SOME MUSIC FROM JON BATISTE

AND STAY HUMAN.

Captioning sponsored by CBS
Captioned by

Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org

♪ ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ ♪

♪ ♪ ♪
Captioning sponsored by CBS