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(WHOOSHING)
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(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
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(SOMBRE MUSIC PLAYING)
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RIMMER: As we stand here this morning
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in an unknown galaxy
on the outer reaches of the solar system
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and I claim this planetoid,
rich in Helium 7,
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00:00:49,920 --> 00:00:52,241
on behalf of
the Jupiter Mining Corporation,
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00:00:52,320 --> 00:00:55,927
it is only fitting we remember
the generations that came before us.
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It is to their memory, their greatness,
their infinite glorious accomplishments,
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that I humbly name this moon "Rimmer".
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In the same spirit of benevolence,
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I've also graciously agreed to lend
my name to the star this moon orbits,
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which from this moment on,
will be known as "Sunny Rim".
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Gentlemen, to Rimmer,
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a moon rich in Helium 7,
the most valuable gas in the universe.
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LISTER: To Rimmer... so full of gas.
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KRYTEN: Sirs, there appears to be
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some kind of solar storm
coming in from the west?
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You should engage skedaddle mode.
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But the Helium 7. We need to mine it.
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- (RADIO CRACKLES)
- KRYTEN: There's no time, sir.
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But Helium 7's incredibly scarce.
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It's rarer than an ungroped bottom
at the BBC in the 1970s.
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It's worth a fortune.
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If we ever get back to Earth
in the 23rd century,
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I'll get a finder's fee.
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One hour, that's all I'm asking.
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Bud, can't you see,
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if you're hanging around here
when that storm's brewing
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you're gonna get wiped.
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I'm begging you, stay!
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I'll still be rich
beyond my wildest dreams just with this.
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Don't worry, I won't change.
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LISTER: And that's the tragedy of it.
35
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Check this. That's no solar storm.
What the hell is it?
36
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It looks like a big,
wibbly-wobbly tidal wave thing
37
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and it's heading straight for us.
38
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I want a full Space Corp
verified diagnostic on that thing.
39
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- Already printing, sir.
- Well? What is it?
40
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It says, "It's a big,
wibbly-wobbly tidal wave thing
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"and it's heading straight for us."
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Here it comes!
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(CRACKLING)
44
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What the hell just happened?
45
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People have had acid trips
that have made more sense than that.
46
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I've had directions
from drunken Scots men
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that have made more sense than that.
48
00:03:03,440 --> 00:03:04,441
Any theories?
49
00:03:04,800 --> 00:03:06,689
I believe the ship may have been hit
50
00:03:06,760 --> 00:03:09,570
by a temporal wash
from a time wave, sir.
51
00:03:10,080 --> 00:03:12,321
It's been what by a what from a what?
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00:03:12,480 --> 00:03:17,122
Much as a tsunami is caused by a large
displacement of water in the sea bed,
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00:03:17,360 --> 00:03:20,887
a time wave is created
by an imploding black hole,
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causing space
time to contort into a series of waves.
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00:03:25,360 --> 00:03:29,285
Much as a what causes a what
into a series of whats?
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00:03:29,800 --> 00:03:31,529
Now, when the wave moves forward,
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artefacts from the past
can be washed up into the present
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and when the wave withdraws,
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artefacts from the present
can be swept back into the past.
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00:03:39,800 --> 00:03:42,531
That sounds like a free ride
out of here. Show me where to stand.
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Sir, whoever is hit
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is likely to be swept in
to an uninhabitable part of deep space.
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Quick! Show him where to stand.
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We've got to avoid
this wave at all costs.
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00:03:52,880 --> 00:03:55,247
- How long before the next one?
- Impossible to predict.
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00:03:55,320 --> 00:03:58,005
- So what do we do if this wave shows up?
- We'll have to outrun it.
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Maybe if we lost some weight.
jettisoned some unnecessary cargo.
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Go stand in the airlock
and leave the rest to me.
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00:04:06,360 --> 00:04:08,249
Wait, check this in vector four.
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00:04:08,480 --> 00:04:10,289
There's a ship
just shown up on the scans.
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00:04:10,560 --> 00:04:14,326
The SS Enconium.
They're from 24th century Earth
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and their ship possesses
a faster than light drive.
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Something's wrong.
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They're locked on to a crash course
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straight into the heart
of Planet Rimmer.
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Are you serious? That's terrible.
Is Planet Rimmer going to be okay?
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The impact is likely
to cause an explosion
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which could well ignite the Helium 7.
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And kill Planet Rimmer?
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- And kill everything in this vicinity,
- Including Planet Rimmer?
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00:04:37,840 --> 00:04:38,887
Including everything!
82
00:04:38,960 --> 00:04:41,088
We need to board that ship
and stop it crashing.
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And save Planet Rimmer.
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- And save the crew.
- And Planet Rimmer.
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(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
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This mechanoid is reversing.
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(BEEPING)
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00:05:01,640 --> 00:05:03,324
This mechanoid is reversing.
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00:05:03,400 --> 00:05:06,290
(BEEPING)
90
00:05:07,080 --> 00:05:08,366
How long before we dock, Kryts?
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Just thirty minutes, sir.
92
00:05:10,000 --> 00:05:11,843
So I thought now might be a good time
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to share the intel
I've uncovered on the Enconium.
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00:05:14,640 --> 00:05:17,211
It appears they have
some rather strange laws.
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00:05:17,280 --> 00:05:18,281
Strange how?
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On their ship, criticism is illegal.
97
00:05:25,360 --> 00:05:28,409
A ship free of criticism,
what a place that must be.
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00:05:28,920 --> 00:05:30,968
A world where
no one is blamed or rebuked
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and no one gets mocked or ridiculed.
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00:05:32,880 --> 00:05:35,611
That's what they say, but they'll never
hold out after they meet you.
101
00:05:36,800 --> 00:05:39,201
You screw up and no one tells you.
What's the good in that?
102
00:05:39,280 --> 00:05:40,770
That's easy for you to say, Lister,
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00:05:40,960 --> 00:05:43,361
but how would you feel
if you were ridiculed every day,
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00:05:43,440 --> 00:05:44,680
wedgied every night,
105
00:05:44,760 --> 00:05:46,967
and sometimes even have your head
shoved down the toilet
106
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and the chain pulled?
107
00:05:48,120 --> 00:05:49,724
But we've stopped doing that now.
108
00:05:51,040 --> 00:05:53,850
Six years old, my parents had to
send me to a different prep school
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so I could get my confidence back.
110
00:05:56,080 --> 00:05:58,845
Games weren't competitive
at St. Trembles.
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00:06:00,000 --> 00:06:01,365
So what did you do on Sport's Day?
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00:06:01,760 --> 00:06:05,207
Sports Day, 100 metres, you could run
in any direction you wanted.
113
00:06:05,480 --> 00:06:08,086
Or paint a picture
or stay at home and watch TV.
114
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And everyone got
a "You're Really Special" trophy
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and a party bag.
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00:06:14,000 --> 00:06:15,411
Rimmer, you've got to roll with it.
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You get knocked down,
you get back up again. You slug it out.
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00:06:18,040 --> 00:06:20,407
If I'd have got upset
with every bit of criticism I ever got,
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where do you think I'd be now?
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00:06:21,760 --> 00:06:22,966
Not single, not podgy,
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and probably not doomed to roam
deep space with a terrible haircut.
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Sirs, please.
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When we board the Enconium,
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we must remember to respect their laws
and not criticise each other.
125
00:06:33,840 --> 00:06:35,001
How long we gotta hold out?
126
00:06:35,080 --> 00:06:37,162
- Just an hour, sir.
- A whole hour?
127
00:06:37,480 --> 00:06:40,450
In that case you'd better pack earplugs
and six rolls of duct tape.
128
00:06:41,320 --> 00:06:43,971
I wonder why the Enconium
made criticism illegal?
129
00:06:44,440 --> 00:06:46,329
Well, according to their data banks,
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they believe when people criticise,
they feel esteem-inflating superiority
131
00:06:51,160 --> 00:06:54,369
which causes the pleasure chemical,
dopamine, to be released in the brain.
132
00:06:54,440 --> 00:06:55,601
And dopamine's bad?
133
00:06:55,680 --> 00:06:58,490
Too much dopamine
is like taking cocaine, sir.
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00:06:58,760 --> 00:07:01,650
It overexcites the receptors
between brain cells,
135
00:07:01,840 --> 00:07:04,764
causing hyperactivity
and engorged self-worth.
136
00:07:04,920 --> 00:07:08,049
So people who criticise
get high on criticism?
137
00:07:08,400 --> 00:07:09,845
It seems they become addicted,
138
00:07:09,920 --> 00:07:13,686
needing to criticise more and more
to produce the same original high.
139
00:07:13,760 --> 00:07:15,489
This explains so much.
140
00:07:15,960 --> 00:07:17,086
Junkie.
141
00:07:18,920 --> 00:07:20,604
But criticism can be good, can't it?
142
00:07:20,680 --> 00:07:23,286
I mean, it forces people
to become better.
143
00:07:23,360 --> 00:07:25,681
Oh, not always, sir. Take you.
144
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What about me?
145
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Well, as a guitarist you've been
criticised, belittled, decried,
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vilified, panned and slammed
your whole life.
147
00:07:36,640 --> 00:07:40,281
- And your point is?
- You still utterly suck, sir.
148
00:07:42,440 --> 00:07:43,965
No, I don't!
149
00:07:44,320 --> 00:07:48,245
I mean, okay, fair play. Back in the day
I was a bit of a tone-deaf plucker,
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00:07:48,320 --> 00:07:50,561
but I took that criticism on board,
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00:07:50,640 --> 00:07:52,483
I dedicated myself to getting better,
152
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and now, so long, Plucker,
hello, Davy "Three Chords."
153
00:08:02,720 --> 00:08:05,371
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
154
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"Journey to the Stars"
155
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Aw, look at that one.
156
00:08:26,800 --> 00:08:28,484
Have they got little kids
on-board as well?
157
00:08:29,400 --> 00:08:33,564
By First Lieutenant Edward Moore,
aged 34 and a half.
158
00:08:35,320 --> 00:08:37,641
So everything these guys do,
no matter how garbage,
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00:08:37,720 --> 00:08:38,721
gets to go on the wall?
160
00:08:38,800 --> 00:08:40,370
Just like at St. Trembles.
161
00:08:41,040 --> 00:08:42,041
And the Tate Modern.
162
00:08:45,040 --> 00:08:47,247
The frames aren't even straight.
I hate that.
163
00:08:47,360 --> 00:08:48,850
Hey guys, check this.
164
00:08:48,920 --> 00:08:54,609
...power of the moon you will learn
that we are all part of the tree of life
165
00:08:54,680 --> 00:08:58,730
and on the tree you are a fruit.
166
00:08:59,840 --> 00:09:03,242
♪ I am a fruit, a lovely fruit
Let me play the flute ♪
167
00:09:03,800 --> 00:09:05,564
(PLAYING FLUTE)
168
00:09:09,200 --> 00:09:10,645
Let me remind you, gentlemen,
169
00:09:10,720 --> 00:09:13,291
what we're all thinking
right now is illegal here.
170
00:09:14,480 --> 00:09:16,084
My friends.
171
00:09:17,280 --> 00:09:19,442
A duct tape on stand by, sirs.
172
00:09:20,120 --> 00:09:21,565
Welcome to our ship.
173
00:09:21,640 --> 00:09:24,405
Now, my name is Ziggy Briceman.
174
00:09:24,480 --> 00:09:27,290
Apologies for not returning
your handshake,
175
00:09:27,360 --> 00:09:29,966
but our communication system
is being repaired
176
00:09:30,040 --> 00:09:32,088
and the hairdressers
who are carrying out the work
177
00:09:32,160 --> 00:09:34,447
haven't quite determined
what's wrong yet.
178
00:09:34,920 --> 00:09:38,402
Oh, also, our lifts are being serviced
by the catering department,
179
00:09:38,480 --> 00:09:40,881
so therefore to the stairs.
180
00:09:41,000 --> 00:09:44,721
Wouldn't it be better if your lifts were
serviced by the lift service people?
181
00:09:44,800 --> 00:09:48,043
Oh, unfortunately, they're all too busy
working in the hospital,
182
00:09:48,440 --> 00:09:50,602
trying to figure out
why no one's getting better.
183
00:09:52,080 --> 00:09:53,730
This way, my friends.
184
00:09:54,120 --> 00:09:55,610
I don't know if you're aware,
185
00:09:55,680 --> 00:09:58,365
but you've been washed up
three million years into deep space
186
00:09:58,440 --> 00:10:01,649
and you're on a crash course
straight into a Helium 7 moon.
187
00:10:02,280 --> 00:10:05,090
I love your accent.
188
00:10:06,080 --> 00:10:09,368
It's is cuter than a kitten
with a toilet roll.
189
00:10:10,920 --> 00:10:13,400
Now, let me take you along to our diner
190
00:10:13,480 --> 00:10:16,370
and then I'm gonna
hunt down our Captain. Okay?
191
00:10:16,440 --> 00:10:17,646
This way.
192
00:10:19,800 --> 00:10:21,450
What the hell's he doing?
193
00:10:21,960 --> 00:10:26,170
Best guess, the Enconium crew
are encouraged to express themselves
194
00:10:26,240 --> 00:10:28,447
without fear of scorn or ridicule.
195
00:10:28,760 --> 00:10:31,081
Bring back scorn and ridicule,
that's what I say.
196
00:10:31,160 --> 00:10:32,286
Sir, please.
197
00:10:32,680 --> 00:10:35,251
Didn't we talk about
respecting other cultures?
198
00:10:35,320 --> 00:10:37,243
When in Rome, do as the Romans do.
199
00:10:49,520 --> 00:10:51,284
(BAND PLAYING OFF-KEY)
200
00:10:56,320 --> 00:10:57,685
Hey, bud, you should stick around.
201
00:10:58,040 --> 00:10:59,849
The Om song could go platinum here.
202
00:11:03,480 --> 00:11:05,482
I love the atmosphere. It's so relaxing.
203
00:11:05,720 --> 00:11:08,166
No one cares if you're right or wrong,
good or bad.
204
00:11:08,240 --> 00:11:09,446
Maybe they're on to something.
205
00:11:09,520 --> 00:11:10,931
I mean, take me, back in the day,
206
00:11:11,000 --> 00:11:14,083
I misrepaired a drive plate
and killed over a thousand people.
207
00:11:14,520 --> 00:11:17,569
Now, in our culture that sort of thing
is really frowned upon.
208
00:11:18,840 --> 00:11:20,604
But here, you just move on.
209
00:11:21,760 --> 00:11:24,889
Here's your coffee, sir.
Be careful it's very, very hot.
210
00:11:24,960 --> 00:11:26,371
Argh!
211
00:11:26,760 --> 00:11:28,000
Whoops-a-daisy.
212
00:11:28,720 --> 00:11:31,849
She's just broiled my love spuds
and she doesn't even say sorry.
213
00:11:32,360 --> 00:11:33,361
She's moved on.
214
00:11:34,680 --> 00:11:35,681
Look at the state of me.
215
00:11:36,200 --> 00:11:37,645
Okay, here we are.
216
00:11:37,760 --> 00:11:41,765
I have one processed sausage
with sprouts in a radish jus,
217
00:11:41,840 --> 00:11:44,366
and one warm goat salad.
218
00:11:44,880 --> 00:11:46,291
We didn't order any food.
219
00:11:46,640 --> 00:11:48,244
And we haven't ordered any drinks.
220
00:11:48,320 --> 00:11:51,005
Though I wouldn't mind
ordering a fresh pair of testicles
221
00:11:51,080 --> 00:11:52,445
'cause these two are ruined.
222
00:11:54,640 --> 00:11:55,641
Are you criticising me?
223
00:11:56,280 --> 00:12:00,330
No, no, he's not criticising you, I am.
This food looks gross.
224
00:12:00,840 --> 00:12:02,683
Critics! Help!
225
00:12:02,840 --> 00:12:04,126
Let's get out of here.
226
00:12:04,200 --> 00:12:06,771
Easter Island head's right.
Let's scoot while we still can.
227
00:12:06,840 --> 00:12:08,683
Yeah, come on. Back to Starbug.
228
00:12:08,760 --> 00:12:10,603
Nothing works here.
Especially the people.
229
00:12:13,880 --> 00:12:15,609
(TANTRIC MUSIC PLAYING)
230
00:12:28,120 --> 00:12:30,202
- Good evening, sir.
- Evening, Officer.
231
00:12:30,920 --> 00:12:32,570
Do you know
why I've pulled you over, sir?
232
00:12:32,760 --> 00:12:34,444
No, I haven't got a clue. No.
233
00:12:35,000 --> 00:12:37,606
Been doing any criticising
this evening, sir?
234
00:12:38,360 --> 00:12:40,328
Criticising? No, not at all. No.
235
00:12:40,440 --> 00:12:43,444
It's just we've had a report
of some illegal castigation
236
00:12:43,520 --> 00:12:45,363
in the diner this evening, sir.
237
00:12:45,880 --> 00:12:47,041
What about you lads?
238
00:12:47,840 --> 00:12:49,490
Been doing any criticising this evening?
239
00:12:49,560 --> 00:12:50,561
(TOGETHER) No.
240
00:12:51,920 --> 00:12:54,730
- Little bit of chiding perhaps?
- Chiding? No.
241
00:12:55,000 --> 00:12:56,525
- How about blaming, sir?
- No.
242
00:12:56,600 --> 00:12:57,601
Harping?
243
00:12:57,680 --> 00:12:59,364
- Little bit of panning?
- No.
244
00:12:59,440 --> 00:13:01,124
- Not even scoffing?
- Nothing.
245
00:13:01,200 --> 00:13:04,170
You won't mind blowing into this
criticiser for me then, will you, sir?
246
00:13:05,200 --> 00:13:06,201
You what?
247
00:13:06,760 --> 00:13:08,489
Go on. Blow as hard as you can.
248
00:13:10,040 --> 00:13:11,451
(BEEPING)
249
00:13:14,760 --> 00:13:16,364
You've got a reading of 95, sir.
250
00:13:16,440 --> 00:13:18,363
Is that good? Bad? What does that mean?
251
00:13:18,640 --> 00:13:21,530
It means that your friend is way over
the permitted criticism limit, sir.
252
00:13:21,880 --> 00:13:23,564
I may have to take him down
to the station.
253
00:13:23,640 --> 00:13:25,483
Now wait a minute.
254
00:13:25,560 --> 00:13:27,324
- Are you telling me to wait, sir?
- Well, yes.
255
00:13:27,400 --> 00:13:30,290
Implying I'm going too fast,
and therefore criticising me?
256
00:13:31,040 --> 00:13:32,530
- Look...
- Are you telling me to look?
257
00:13:33,800 --> 00:13:37,122
Insinuating that my attention
isn't focused in the correct direction,
258
00:13:37,640 --> 00:13:41,247
- therefore implying that my focus...
- I'm not criticising you, okay?
259
00:13:41,320 --> 00:13:44,483
Look, we're here to warn you that
you're ship is on a collision course
260
00:13:44,560 --> 00:13:46,927
with a very important moon
called Planet Rimmer.
261
00:13:48,800 --> 00:13:50,404
I'm going to let you off with a caution.
262
00:13:50,480 --> 00:13:53,404
Caution? How dumb is this guy?
263
00:14:02,360 --> 00:14:05,045
Hey, Lieutenant Asshole,
264
00:14:08,480 --> 00:14:10,482
if you don't move
your dumb ass spaceship,
265
00:14:10,560 --> 00:14:13,484
we're gonna we're gonna be flatter
than your wife's droopy ass titties.
266
00:14:13,560 --> 00:14:14,561
Capisce?
267
00:14:18,040 --> 00:14:19,724
(FIRES)
(GROANS)
268
00:14:22,440 --> 00:14:23,441
(THUD)
269
00:15:07,240 --> 00:15:09,600
Wait a minute. Why have you
taken his straight jacket off?
270
00:15:10,080 --> 00:15:12,240
While he's in here,
he's not a danger to anyone, is he?
271
00:15:12,680 --> 00:15:13,680
Well, he is to us.
272
00:15:14,240 --> 00:15:15,440
No one cares about you.
273
00:15:16,080 --> 00:15:18,040
Don't talk to him.
Don't make eye contact.
274
00:15:18,120 --> 00:15:19,120
Pretend he's not here.
275
00:15:19,720 --> 00:15:21,400
All right, mate, how you doing?
276
00:15:22,160 --> 00:15:24,240
I been better. I'll tell you that.
277
00:15:28,680 --> 00:15:30,480
- How long you in for?
- Life.
278
00:15:31,520 --> 00:15:33,040
- What for?
- Tutting.
279
00:15:35,560 --> 00:15:36,600
Tutting?
280
00:15:37,520 --> 00:15:38,880
They drove me to it.
281
00:15:40,960 --> 00:15:44,440
I'm in the queue,
in the canteen, queueing.
282
00:15:45,240 --> 00:15:49,040
Finally, I get to the front,
my turn to get served
283
00:15:49,680 --> 00:15:53,480
and they say,
"Sorry, love, we've just closed."
284
00:15:54,240 --> 00:15:55,240
So I go...
285
00:15:56,800 --> 00:15:57,800
(TUTS)
286
00:15:59,240 --> 00:16:00,240
You just went... (TUTS)
287
00:16:00,320 --> 00:16:01,440
...and you got life?
288
00:16:01,840 --> 00:16:04,650
I just called that cop Lieutenant
Asshole, so what am I gonna get?
289
00:16:05,640 --> 00:16:08,840
It don't bear thinking about.
They'll probably drain you.
290
00:16:08,920 --> 00:16:09,920
What's that?
291
00:16:10,000 --> 00:16:12,120
I'm not implying
there's anything wrong with draining,
292
00:16:12,200 --> 00:16:13,320
it's probably really lovely.
293
00:16:14,160 --> 00:16:15,490
What the hell are we going to do?
294
00:16:15,560 --> 00:16:17,130
We've got to get out of here.
295
00:16:17,200 --> 00:16:20,680
Get to the engine room
and get the ship off this crash course.
296
00:16:20,760 --> 00:16:23,160
- And save Planet Rimmer.
- And save us.
297
00:16:24,200 --> 00:16:26,120
Uh, sir, may I borrow one of your boots?
298
00:16:26,440 --> 00:16:29,090
Kryte, my boots can't cause
diversions like they used to.
299
00:16:29,160 --> 00:16:30,840
He wears Odour-Eaters now.
300
00:16:31,560 --> 00:16:34,450
I'm looking for a soil sample, sir.
From that moon this morning.
301
00:16:34,520 --> 00:16:35,760
The Helium 7?
302
00:16:36,360 --> 00:16:38,480
Which I can then fuse with the deuterium
303
00:16:38,560 --> 00:16:41,560
I have in
my isotope sample store in my arm
304
00:16:41,640 --> 00:16:44,210
and create a small contained explosion.
305
00:16:45,320 --> 00:16:48,290
Why do you collect isotope samples
and keep them in your arm?
306
00:16:48,720 --> 00:16:52,360
Why do you collect miniature Napoleonic
soldiers and keep them in your locker?
307
00:16:54,240 --> 00:16:56,320
- You're weird.
- I'm weird?
308
00:16:56,840 --> 00:16:59,760
At least my isotope collection
could come in useful.
309
00:17:00,120 --> 00:17:01,240
Next time we're in a jam
310
00:17:01,320 --> 00:17:04,210
and one of
your 6th regiment trumpeters saves us,
311
00:17:04,280 --> 00:17:06,120
I'll eat my crevice brush.
312
00:17:07,400 --> 00:17:08,400
There.
313
00:17:09,120 --> 00:17:10,120
Excellent.
314
00:17:16,080 --> 00:17:17,080
- (BEEPS)
- (EXPLOSION)
315
00:17:21,520 --> 00:17:24,040
Here, boys, take me with you.
316
00:17:24,280 --> 00:17:26,640
I promise I'm no danger
to the outside world any more.
317
00:17:26,960 --> 00:17:27,960
I'll never tut again
318
00:17:30,040 --> 00:17:31,040
(TUTS)
319
00:17:36,640 --> 00:17:37,760
Where are you taking us?
320
00:17:38,040 --> 00:17:40,610
I'm taking you to where
all the worst criticizers go.
321
00:17:41,120 --> 00:17:43,800
The back seat drivers?
They're all there.
322
00:17:44,560 --> 00:17:48,040
Surely you can see,
a society without criticism is...
323
00:17:48,120 --> 00:17:49,720
You don't know what it was like before.
324
00:17:50,160 --> 00:17:52,920
The ship was a shambles,
everyone arguing,
325
00:17:53,000 --> 00:17:54,840
constantly choosing new captains.
326
00:17:55,480 --> 00:17:58,520
So they brought in the anti-criticism
law to make people more tolerant.
327
00:17:59,240 --> 00:18:03,320
But any smegger can see
that society can't function like that.
328
00:18:03,400 --> 00:18:05,280
Yeah, but once
they'd outlawed criticism,
329
00:18:05,360 --> 00:18:09,280
nobody could criticise the criticism law
because it was illegal to criticise.
330
00:18:09,720 --> 00:18:10,720
Idiots!
331
00:18:13,920 --> 00:18:15,360
(MOANS IN PLEASURE)
332
00:18:18,160 --> 00:18:19,810
I've just criticised something,
didn't I?
333
00:18:21,200 --> 00:18:24,560
Oh, God, I've not done that for ages.
That felt good.
334
00:18:28,440 --> 00:18:32,680
Criticising's great, isn't it?
Gives you a real lift.
335
00:18:34,280 --> 00:18:36,040
Don't like your shoes by the way.
336
00:18:36,120 --> 00:18:37,450
(MOANS)
337
00:18:38,680 --> 00:18:40,040
What's the story with his head?
338
00:18:41,000 --> 00:18:44,400
Looks like something from that TV show,
when circumcisions go wrong.
339
00:18:47,840 --> 00:18:48,840
You got to help us.
340
00:18:49,120 --> 00:18:52,520
If we don't get your ship
off this crash course, we're all dead.
341
00:18:52,600 --> 00:18:55,120
The bridge is that way.
I'll pretend you escaped.
342
00:18:55,560 --> 00:18:56,560
Won't you get in trouble?
343
00:18:57,000 --> 00:18:59,600
How? Nobody can criticise you here.
344
00:18:59,880 --> 00:19:01,640
Now get going before somebody comes.
345
00:19:02,320 --> 00:19:05,130
Oh, and by the way, you are way too old
to be wearing leather pants.
346
00:19:05,960 --> 00:19:08,040
Nobody move, please.
347
00:19:08,600 --> 00:19:11,440
Did you help them,
did you betray us, did you?
348
00:19:12,200 --> 00:19:13,720
Yeah, I did, Ziggy.
349
00:19:14,720 --> 00:19:18,160
I betrayed this badge
and made this uniform, quite frankly,
350
00:19:19,360 --> 00:19:20,640
an object of ridicule.
351
00:19:26,240 --> 00:19:29,640
Well, there is no shame
in making mistakes, Officer. You may go.
352
00:19:30,800 --> 00:19:35,440
To our visitors, we need to drain them.
353
00:19:43,040 --> 00:19:47,090
Now, we are going to drain you
of all your critical faculties
354
00:19:47,160 --> 00:19:48,570
by removing your inner critic.
355
00:19:48,640 --> 00:19:52,530
That little voice in your head that
stops you achieving your full potential.
356
00:19:52,640 --> 00:19:55,320
Now you will no longer
turn down opportunities
357
00:19:55,400 --> 00:19:57,440
for fear of failure or humiliation.
358
00:19:57,520 --> 00:20:00,090
You will only feel love for all things.
359
00:20:00,400 --> 00:20:01,970
They're going to turn us into hippies.
360
00:20:03,000 --> 00:20:05,440
We're going to wind up
like that crazy guy on the flute.
361
00:20:06,440 --> 00:20:09,520
Oh, that was Derek.
He used to be a theatre critic.
362
00:20:10,120 --> 00:20:11,920
Oh, he's come so far.
363
00:20:12,280 --> 00:20:16,250
Look. That's his inner critic.
364
00:20:16,320 --> 00:20:19,800
Oh, my God,
what's he talking to without me?
365
00:20:19,880 --> 00:20:24,880
Whatever it is, he's useless.
He'll fail. He's talentless.
366
00:20:26,520 --> 00:20:27,800
Leave this to me.
367
00:20:28,440 --> 00:20:30,560
As stand-in, acting
Senior Commanding Officer
368
00:20:30,640 --> 00:20:33,120
of the JMC mining ship Red Dwarf,
369
00:20:33,440 --> 00:20:38,400
and protected as I am
under Space Corp Directive 381286...
370
00:20:38,480 --> 00:20:39,640
Kryten, shut up.
371
00:20:43,720 --> 00:20:46,320
I demand that you
release us all immediately.
372
00:20:46,400 --> 00:20:48,760
Or at least one of us
as a gesture of goodwill,
373
00:20:48,840 --> 00:20:50,170
for which I'd like to volunteer.
374
00:20:50,800 --> 00:20:53,610
My friend, you have nothing to fear.
375
00:20:53,680 --> 00:20:56,250
Happiness awaits
and you shall be the first.
376
00:20:56,320 --> 00:20:58,240
Let's bottle your inner critic.
377
00:21:01,440 --> 00:21:05,570
Now, let your critical observations
flow forth.
378
00:21:05,640 --> 00:21:08,800
You mean, I could end up loving
my parents and admiring my brothers?
379
00:21:08,880 --> 00:21:10,840
You'll have nothing to remain dead for.
380
00:21:10,920 --> 00:21:12,330
Resist, sir, resist.
381
00:21:12,400 --> 00:21:15,320
If they remove your inner critic,
you'll be changed forever.
382
00:21:15,400 --> 00:21:18,130
Changed forever? Listen to him!
383
00:21:19,200 --> 00:21:23,040
My pa rents were lovely, wise,
thoughtful and supportive.
384
00:21:23,960 --> 00:21:25,040
Argh!
385
00:21:26,600 --> 00:21:30,400
I achieved all my dreams
and I'm admired and respected.
386
00:21:30,480 --> 00:21:33,800
Don't fight it. Think of your childhood.
Were your happy?
387
00:21:34,200 --> 00:21:35,850
I was so happy-
388
00:21:37,520 --> 00:21:39,170
I can't hold out much longer.
389
00:21:40,320 --> 00:21:41,560
- (ELECTRICITY BUZZING)
- Argh!
390
00:21:42,640 --> 00:21:45,080
My brother, Howard,
what an utter bastard.
391
00:21:46,840 --> 00:21:49,240
As for my parents,
the schools they sent me to,
392
00:21:49,600 --> 00:21:52,200
the exams I failed
and the support I never got.
393
00:21:52,320 --> 00:21:55,920
And why Yvonne Macgruder never wanted
to go on a second date with me.
394
00:21:56,600 --> 00:21:58,840
And my sex life was an absolute shambles
395
00:21:59,400 --> 00:22:02,720
ever since that day at school
my brother gave me sex advice.
396
00:22:03,240 --> 00:22:05,600
He said the most important thing
was the clitoris,
397
00:22:06,040 --> 00:22:08,200
and I thought what he said
was the most important thing
398
00:22:08,280 --> 00:22:09,560
was to spit on her wrist.
399
00:22:12,760 --> 00:22:14,600
Oh, the looks I used to get.
400
00:22:14,680 --> 00:22:15,680
Wait, slow down.
401
00:22:15,760 --> 00:22:18,650
You're criticising faster
than the extractor can cope.
402
00:22:18,720 --> 00:22:20,050
I've hardly started!
403
00:22:20,800 --> 00:22:25,240
Your inner critic's too powerful.
The extractor can't process it.
404
00:22:25,360 --> 00:22:27,010
Well, why can't it process it?
405
00:22:27,280 --> 00:22:30,600
Cheap, damn Minervan, negative energy,
inner critic bottling machines.
406
00:22:30,680 --> 00:22:32,440
Will you stop criticising?
407
00:22:32,520 --> 00:22:33,850
(EXPLOSIONS)
408
00:22:38,640 --> 00:22:39,640
What the hell's that?
409
00:22:43,280 --> 00:22:44,880
I'm Rimmer's inner critic.
410
00:22:45,480 --> 00:22:46,720
I'm the voice inside his head
411
00:22:46,800 --> 00:22:50,480
that reminds him he's an idle,
good-for-nothing, underachieving idiot
412
00:22:50,800 --> 00:22:53,840
who surrounds himself with cretins
to mask his own inadequacies.
413
00:22:54,320 --> 00:22:56,480
He hangs out with other guys besides us?
414
00:22:57,560 --> 00:22:59,880
Tell it to go away.
Tell it to leave me alone.
415
00:23:00,680 --> 00:23:03,360
You need me. I protect you.
416
00:23:04,600 --> 00:23:06,560
Remember the school talent contest?
417
00:23:07,160 --> 00:23:08,490
Twelve years old,
418
00:23:08,840 --> 00:23:11,440
and you wanted to Morris dance
in front of the entire school.
419
00:23:12,680 --> 00:23:14,200
And you made me chicken out.
420
00:23:14,880 --> 00:23:16,240
We'd have been humiliated.
421
00:23:16,960 --> 00:23:19,120
Same with all those women
I wanted to ask out on dates
422
00:23:19,200 --> 00:23:20,880
you claimed were out of my league.
423
00:23:20,960 --> 00:23:22,320
Of course I did.
424
00:23:22,720 --> 00:23:27,280
Anne Marie was a solid four out of ten.
We're lucky to get threes.
425
00:23:27,720 --> 00:23:30,640
I hate you.
You'd never let me take any risks ever.
426
00:23:30,720 --> 00:23:33,000
I stop you
from making a fool of yourself.
427
00:23:33,080 --> 00:23:34,880
But he's always
making a fool of himself.
428
00:23:35,000 --> 00:23:37,680
Yeah, he is always
making a fool of himself.
429
00:23:38,000 --> 00:23:40,280
So hang on. You're not doing
a very good job, are you?
430
00:23:41,960 --> 00:23:44,640
You can't criticise me.
I'm his inner critic.
431
00:23:44,720 --> 00:23:45,960
Where were you when Rimmer was
432
00:23:46,040 --> 00:23:48,480
fixing that drive plate
and wiped out the crew?
433
00:23:48,560 --> 00:23:50,000
No one criticises me.
434
00:23:50,080 --> 00:23:51,840
Why didn't you tell him
he wasn't up to it?
435
00:23:51,920 --> 00:23:53,680
I mean, aren't you
supposed to protect him?
436
00:23:53,760 --> 00:23:55,520
Well, yes, I suppose I...
437
00:23:55,640 --> 00:23:57,130
So you failed.
438
00:23:58,720 --> 00:24:00,920
Well, that's not fair.
439
00:24:01,840 --> 00:24:04,520
I possibly didn't achieve
all the goals I set out to.
440
00:24:04,600 --> 00:24:07,080
You're right, it failed.
441
00:24:07,600 --> 00:24:10,330
That's a bit strong.
I didn't fully succeed.
442
00:24:10,640 --> 00:24:12,080
- It failed.
- Failed?
443
00:24:12,880 --> 00:24:15,200
- I can't believe you just said that.
- It failed.
444
00:24:15,560 --> 00:24:17,480
- That's really horrible.
- RIMMER: It failed.
445
00:24:20,680 --> 00:24:22,720
- Is it dead?
- Just wounded.
446
00:24:22,880 --> 00:24:24,640
It'll be back one day. Trust me.
447
00:24:27,680 --> 00:24:32,360
You achieved a positive end
by using criticism to vanquish a foe.
448
00:24:32,440 --> 00:24:35,920
Because you can't tar all criticism
with the one brush.
449
00:24:36,000 --> 00:24:39,640
Yes, I see that now.
Perhaps our philosophy is flawed.
450
00:24:40,080 --> 00:24:42,000
Are you criticising your own philosophy?
451
00:24:42,520 --> 00:24:44,010
I suppose I am.
452
00:24:44,720 --> 00:24:45,720
Wait.
453
00:24:47,000 --> 00:24:49,810
Call together all the members
of the High Chamber
454
00:24:50,320 --> 00:24:54,160
and warn them that
I've repealed the law against criticism.
455
00:24:54,560 --> 00:25:00,120
From this moment on, everybody can
criticise without fear of penalty.
456
00:25:00,680 --> 00:25:01,680
Release them.
457
00:25:05,560 --> 00:25:06,890
What about Planet Rimmer?
458
00:25:07,400 --> 00:25:08,890
The ship is on a crash descent course
459
00:25:08,960 --> 00:25:11,770
and your engineering department
don't know what the hell they're doing.
460
00:25:11,840 --> 00:25:13,490
RIMMER: We need to
get to the engine room.
461
00:25:13,560 --> 00:25:16,720
No need, I'll request our engineers
simply return to their jobs
462
00:25:16,800 --> 00:25:20,600
and then we'll be out of here
in a brief contraction of forward space.
463
00:25:28,960 --> 00:25:30,840
I've been racking my brains
464
00:25:30,920 --> 00:25:33,840
as to how I could thank you
for showing me a new way to live.
465
00:25:33,920 --> 00:25:37,080
Now, my first thought
was we could upgrade your mech,
466
00:25:37,640 --> 00:25:40,320
then I thought,
"No, it's not special enough."
467
00:25:40,760 --> 00:25:45,360
Then I thought we could upgrade
Red Dwarf's engine, make it FTL,
468
00:25:45,520 --> 00:25:49,080
but again, I thought,
"No, it's not special enough."
469
00:25:49,320 --> 00:25:51,400
I wanted to give you
something that would
470
00:25:51,480 --> 00:25:54,480
truly show you
the depth of my gratitude.
471
00:25:55,680 --> 00:25:58,650
For you. It's my finest work.
472
00:26:03,800 --> 00:26:07,480
Don't take this the wrong way, but, um,
it's not that good to be honest.
473
00:26:08,160 --> 00:26:09,440
I repeal the law.
474
00:26:09,880 --> 00:26:11,320
Critics! I need help here.
475
00:26:11,880 --> 00:26:14,200
Drain them! Drain them all!
476
00:26:15,600 --> 00:26:17,520
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
477
00:26:18,280 --> 00:26:21,680
♪ It's cold outside
There's no kind of atmosphere
478
00:26:21,760 --> 00:26:25,080
♪ I'm all alone, more or less
479
00:26:25,160 --> 00:26:28,440
♪ Let me fly far away from here
480
00:26:28,520 --> 00:26:31,250
♪ Fun, fun, fun
481
00:26:31,360 --> 00:26:34,920
♪ In the sun, sun, sun
482
00:26:35,000 --> 00:26:38,440
♪ I want to lie shipwrecked
And comatose
483
00:26:38,520 --> 00:26:41,680
♪ Drinking fresh mango juice
484
00:26:41,760 --> 00:26:45,080
♪ Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes
485
00:26:45,160 --> 00:26:47,890
♪ Fun, fun, fun
486
00:26:47,960 --> 00:26:51,400
♪ In the sun, sun, sun
487
00:26:51,720 --> 00:26:54,400
♪ Fun, fun, fun
488
00:26:54,480 --> 00:26:58,610
♪ In the sun, sun, sun ♪
36768
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