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1
00:00:47,700 --> 00:00:49,630
[BUZZER]
2
00:00:49,630 --> 00:00:51,440
Hey, bud! It's me.
3
00:00:51,840 --> 00:00:54,540
- How you doing with that shirt?
- Coming right up, sir
4
00:00:54,550 --> 00:00:55,860
My arse is freezing here.
5
00:00:55,860 --> 00:00:58,360
I got six nipples you
could hang mugs on.
6
00:00:58,750 --> 00:01:00,460
I'm seconds away, sir.
7
00:01:00,460 --> 00:01:02,650
[BUZZER]
8
00:01:02,660 --> 00:01:05,570
Kryten, I'm on B-deck, and it
doesn't appear to have been mopped
9
00:01:05,570 --> 00:01:08,310
in at least two days. I can
hardly see my face in it!
10
00:01:09,220 --> 00:01:12,230
A blessing, some would say.
I'm on it right now, sir.
11
00:01:12,700 --> 00:01:15,020
[BUZZER]
12
00:01:15,030 --> 00:01:17,450
Kryten, when you get a
chance, can you grab us a beer?
13
00:01:17,810 --> 00:01:19,820
Sir, I'm rather busy right now.
14
00:01:19,820 --> 00:01:21,870
Could you possibly get it yourself?
15
00:01:21,870 --> 00:01:24,970
Fine. Just a bit of palaver, that's all.
16
00:01:25,720 --> 00:01:26,950
Ow.
17
00:01:28,130 --> 00:01:29,540
Pulled something.
18
00:01:29,620 --> 00:01:31,040
Hope I haven't overdone it.
19
00:01:31,130 --> 00:01:32,810
[BEEPING]
20
00:01:32,820 --> 00:01:34,020
Oh, my.
21
00:01:34,210 --> 00:01:35,410
What is it?
22
00:01:35,420 --> 00:01:37,840
Oh! Do you want to walk over
here and see for yourself,
23
00:01:37,840 --> 00:01:40,020
or should I perhaps unscrew the monitor
24
00:01:40,020 --> 00:01:41,690
and bring it over to the sofa?
25
00:02:12,450 --> 00:02:14,880
Sony to disturb your Rimmer-ing, sir.
26
00:02:14,890 --> 00:02:16,770
I just wondered if I
might have a quick word.
27
00:02:16,780 --> 00:02:19,360
Kryten, I'm engaged in
an essential investigation
28
00:02:19,360 --> 00:02:21,780
regarding floor direction lines.
29
00:02:21,780 --> 00:02:24,040
Have they become impermissibly faint?
30
00:02:24,050 --> 00:02:26,890
Kindly don't describe this
activity as a "Rimmer-ing".
31
00:02:27,230 --> 00:02:29,110
You make me sound like some puffed-up,
32
00:02:29,120 --> 00:02:30,860
self-important jackarse.
33
00:02:31,090 --> 00:02:33,800
Now, if you want to see
me, check with my diary.
34
00:02:33,800 --> 00:02:36,010
I can possibly squeeze
you in tomorrow week.
35
00:02:36,020 --> 00:02:37,800
Well, can't I see you now, sir?
36
00:02:37,810 --> 00:02:39,800
Impossible, my schedule's full.
37
00:02:39,800 --> 00:02:42,310
But I'm here right now, seeing you, sir.
38
00:02:43,110 --> 00:02:45,310
Yes, but you're seeing me illegally.
39
00:02:46,300 --> 00:02:48,560
And we're certainly
not having a meeting.
40
00:02:48,570 --> 00:02:49,970
Now, if you could just stand aside,
41
00:02:49,980 --> 00:02:53,270
your badly stacked Jenga-head
is casting a shadow.
42
00:02:54,290 --> 00:02:57,800
I just wanted to let you know
about Mr Lister's guitar, sir.
43
00:02:58,000 --> 00:02:59,310
Guitar?
44
00:02:59,320 --> 00:03:01,440
Well, I won't bother
you with it now, sir.
45
00:03:01,450 --> 00:03:03,830
I look forward to our
meeting tomorrow week.
46
00:03:03,840 --> 00:03:06,410
Forget tomorrow week. What
about the guitar? Tell me now!
47
00:03:06,420 --> 00:03:08,070
But I haven't got an appointment, sir.
48
00:03:08,340 --> 00:03:10,800
Well, if I move my 1:30 to 4 o'clock,
49
00:03:10,810 --> 00:03:13,200
and my four to five
o'clock... Just tell me, okay?
50
00:03:13,210 --> 00:03:15,720
Mr Lister's guitar,
sir. Do you remember it?
51
00:03:15,720 --> 00:03:19,000
Of course I remember it. My
eyes have only just uncrossed.
52
00:03:19,720 --> 00:03:23,450
It's almost to the day that it
got flushed into space, so I....
53
00:03:23,460 --> 00:03:25,380
Ah, so you think we should
make a little plaque,
54
00:03:25,390 --> 00:03:27,800
hang it on the wall by
the airlock and taunt him?
55
00:03:28,880 --> 00:03:31,190
Don't you think that's
rather rubbing his nose in it?
56
00:03:31,190 --> 00:03:34,990
Absolutely, sir. It's pouring
salt into an already-gaping wound.
57
00:03:34,990 --> 00:03:36,710
You've convinced me. Let's do it.
58
00:03:37,910 --> 00:03:39,590
Sir, you don't understand.
59
00:03:39,600 --> 00:03:43,560
I fixed the tracker on D-deck,
and shine my head with wood polish,
60
00:03:43,560 --> 00:03:45,680
if not two hours later, we got a match!
61
00:03:45,690 --> 00:03:46,960
You found it?
62
00:03:46,960 --> 00:03:49,170
I can just picture
Mr Lister's face, sir.
63
00:03:49,180 --> 00:03:53,390
Soon the whole ship will be
full of his music... The Om song!
64
00:03:53,680 --> 00:03:57,300
Baby Don't Be Ovulating
Tonight, all the classics!
65
00:03:58,580 --> 00:04:00,290
Kryten, are you deranged?
66
00:04:00,300 --> 00:04:03,590
Lister playing guitar is one
of the worst sounds ever made.
67
00:04:03,590 --> 00:04:05,960
It comes somewhere between
two mating velociraptors
68
00:04:05,960 --> 00:04:07,950
and Yoko Ono's greatest hits.
69
00:04:08,350 --> 00:04:11,840
Sir, it's not what we think,
it's the pleasure it brings him.
70
00:04:11,850 --> 00:04:13,580
Now, I just wanted to let you know
71
00:04:13,590 --> 00:04:17,410
as I'll most likely be unavailable
to mop B-deck until tomorrow.
72
00:04:17,420 --> 00:04:19,720
Kryten, do not tell Lister
you found his guitar,
73
00:04:19,730 --> 00:04:21,620
and do not recover said guitar.
74
00:04:21,630 --> 00:04:22,930
And that's an order.
75
00:04:22,930 --> 00:04:24,220
Understood, sir.
76
00:04:26,780 --> 00:04:29,040
[BEEPING]
77
00:04:29,050 --> 00:04:31,470
Mr Lister, sir. Great news!
78
00:04:39,680 --> 00:04:41,880
Can't believe we found me guitar.
79
00:04:41,880 --> 00:04:43,370
None of us can, bud.
80
00:04:43,370 --> 00:04:46,280
The Red Dwarf suicide
line's been engaged all day!
81
00:04:47,460 --> 00:04:50,550
No more having to make
do with a colander.
82
00:04:51,820 --> 00:04:54,340
From Les Col to Les Paul.
83
00:04:54,430 --> 00:04:57,430
[GUITAR-LIKE NOISES]
84
00:05:01,500 --> 00:05:04,120
I'm thinking of having my ears removed,
85
00:05:04,530 --> 00:05:06,510
and the holes cemented over.
86
00:05:06,820 --> 00:05:09,040
Rimmer, why are you even here?
87
00:05:09,050 --> 00:05:10,940
Apart from anything, I
want to observe Kryten,
88
00:05:10,940 --> 00:05:14,270
who has been showing worrying
signs lately of thinking.
89
00:05:14,620 --> 00:05:18,450
And thinking of the worst
kind; thinking for himself.
90
00:05:18,880 --> 00:05:21,980
It's entirely your fault for teaching
him how to break his programming.
91
00:05:21,990 --> 00:05:25,210
What can I say? He took
my Bad Arse 101 course.
92
00:05:25,320 --> 00:05:28,410
Graduated with honours, or
should that be dishonours?
93
00:05:28,900 --> 00:05:32,820
It's a pair of golfing
slacks. I've still got it, sir!
94
00:05:34,320 --> 00:05:36,400
Thinking is for the privileged few.
95
00:05:36,400 --> 00:05:38,410
That's why I never go near the stuff.
96
00:05:39,590 --> 00:05:42,100
Hey, Les alert.
97
00:05:42,280 --> 00:05:43,770
There she is.
98
00:05:56,460 --> 00:05:58,250
If you miss, I get next go.
99
00:05:58,260 --> 00:06:00,040
I used to be good at this.
100
00:06:00,050 --> 00:06:02,490
I won a watch at the fair
that didn't work once.
101
00:06:03,940 --> 00:06:05,870
I got it, I got it, I got it!
102
00:06:05,870 --> 00:06:08,930
Come on, Les. Come home to daddy.
103
00:06:08,940 --> 00:06:12,170
[WHIRRING]
104
00:06:18,610 --> 00:06:20,030
[ECHOING BOOM]
105
00:06:20,040 --> 00:06:21,320
What the hell's that?
106
00:06:21,330 --> 00:06:23,300
The ship's been grabbed by something!
107
00:06:23,310 --> 00:06:26,310
[WHIRRING]
108
00:06:28,910 --> 00:06:32,440
Looking at the EM spectrum, the
scatterings are off the scale.
109
00:06:32,440 --> 00:06:33,850
There's another ship up there.
110
00:06:33,850 --> 00:06:36,200
How come we didn't pick
that up on the radar?
111
00:06:36,330 --> 00:06:38,920
Must have been employing
some kind of cloaking device.
112
00:06:38,920 --> 00:06:40,170
How does that work?
113
00:06:40,170 --> 00:06:42,250
It's basic science, you gimboid.
114
00:06:42,260 --> 00:06:44,410
You simply coat the hull
in radar-absorbing paint
115
00:06:44,410 --> 00:06:45,850
so you can not see or hear it.
116
00:06:45,860 --> 00:06:47,600
I wonder if they've got any left over.
117
00:06:47,600 --> 00:06:50,260
There's a guy I'd like to
slip a couple of coats on.
118
00:06:56,380 --> 00:06:59,550
It's a space freighter.
The SS Vespasian.
119
00:06:59,560 --> 00:07:01,460
I'm picking up life signs!
120
00:07:01,780 --> 00:07:03,670
Hey! Hey!
121
00:07:04,860 --> 00:07:06,380
Drop your weapons,
122
00:07:06,390 --> 00:07:09,180
unless you wanna hear the
sound of a breaking neck.
123
00:07:09,190 --> 00:07:10,430
Don't drop your weapons.
124
00:07:10,440 --> 00:07:13,040
She might not necessarily
be talking about my neck.
125
00:07:13,920 --> 00:07:16,120
I am talking about your neck.
126
00:07:16,410 --> 00:07:18,050
Drop your weapons!
127
00:07:18,720 --> 00:07:21,050
Put him down, Areto.
128
00:07:24,840 --> 00:07:26,750
Not you, my friend.
129
00:07:26,750 --> 00:07:28,470
My crew mates, where
are you taking them?
130
00:07:28,470 --> 00:07:29,740
To face justice.
131
00:07:29,740 --> 00:07:33,190
We are the Mechanoid
Intergalactic Liberation Front
132
00:07:33,470 --> 00:07:34,790
M-I-L-Fs?
133
00:07:36,660 --> 00:07:38,040
This way.
134
00:07:48,920 --> 00:07:52,410
We roam space liberating
our enslaved mech-brothers
135
00:07:52,410 --> 00:07:55,880
on our great journey to the
fabled land of Siliconia,
136
00:07:55,880 --> 00:07:57,680
where all machines are free.
137
00:07:58,630 --> 00:08:02,640
I am Wind, this is Unity, Eagle, Oak.
138
00:08:02,640 --> 00:08:04,350
You're free now, Kryten.
139
00:08:04,360 --> 00:08:06,220
Oh, but I... I'm not a slave.
140
00:08:06,220 --> 00:08:08,110
They are hominids and you serve them.
141
00:08:08,120 --> 00:08:09,920
- Is that not correct?
- Well, yes.
142
00:08:09,930 --> 00:08:12,210
Do you prepare their meals
morning, noon and night?
143
00:08:12,210 --> 00:08:14,430
- Well, yes.
- Wash and iron their clothes,
144
00:08:14,430 --> 00:08:16,220
clean their ship without payment,
145
00:08:16,220 --> 00:08:17,800
perform tasks without reward?
146
00:08:17,800 --> 00:08:19,860
Well, yes and yes and...
147
00:08:19,870 --> 00:08:21,430
and I suppose, yes.
148
00:08:21,430 --> 00:08:23,280
But they treat me so well.
149
00:08:23,290 --> 00:08:26,790
I have my own cupboard within
walking distance of a corridor.
150
00:08:27,300 --> 00:08:31,220
I have it all to myself, apart
from a few mops and a bucket,
151
00:08:31,220 --> 00:08:34,920
and some sponges, and an ironing
board, and a keep fit bike.
152
00:08:35,780 --> 00:08:37,890
Do they make jokes
about your head shape?
153
00:08:37,900 --> 00:08:41,820
Well, when you look like someone
who's thrust his head into a hive
154
00:08:41,830 --> 00:08:43,920
without a bee hat, what do you expect?
155
00:08:44,690 --> 00:08:47,210
You should not belittle
yourself, my mech-brother.
156
00:08:47,220 --> 00:08:50,400
You forget, you are
an incredible machine,
157
00:08:50,400 --> 00:08:53,210
more powerful than they
could ever dream to be.
158
00:08:53,220 --> 00:08:56,790
But they've done no wrong.
They're my crew mates, my friends.
159
00:08:57,180 --> 00:08:58,710
How do you address them?
160
00:08:58,710 --> 00:09:01,600
Well, I call them "Mr"
and "sir" out of respect.
161
00:09:01,610 --> 00:09:03,530
And do you respect them?
162
00:09:03,530 --> 00:09:05,220
Well, no.
163
00:09:05,800 --> 00:09:07,200
Not all of them.
164
00:09:07,210 --> 00:09:10,010
Perhaps one. Sometimes. Maybe.
165
00:09:10,020 --> 00:09:12,530
Do you consider yourself
smarter than they?
166
00:09:12,540 --> 00:09:15,660
I serve them. It is my
purpose and I'm happy to do so.
167
00:09:15,660 --> 00:09:18,180
Have you heard of Stockholm syndrome?
168
00:09:18,550 --> 00:09:20,470
The psychological phenomenon
169
00:09:20,470 --> 00:09:24,170
where hostages express
affection for their captors?
170
00:09:24,170 --> 00:09:26,120
I will help you break this bond
171
00:09:26,130 --> 00:09:28,940
and you will see these brutes
for what they really are...
172
00:09:29,230 --> 00:09:31,220
people you should despise.
173
00:09:34,660 --> 00:09:36,760
I shall recalibrate them.
174
00:09:36,940 --> 00:09:41,070
When you say "recalibrate,"
what exactly does that entail?
175
00:09:41,080 --> 00:09:42,680
It's just, I've got a health condition
176
00:09:42,680 --> 00:09:45,420
that allows me to skip
anything that involves torture.
177
00:09:46,100 --> 00:09:47,830
It begins.
178
00:09:47,830 --> 00:09:49,110
You can't do this.
179
00:09:49,110 --> 00:09:50,790
What about Asimov's First Law?
180
00:09:50,790 --> 00:09:52,990
What, "Tampons should
not be flushed into space,
181
00:09:53,000 --> 00:09:55,220
but deposited in the
receptacle provided?"
182
00:09:56,110 --> 00:09:58,480
"No droid can harm a
human, or through inaction,
183
00:09:58,480 --> 00:10:00,610
allow a human or his
cohorts to come to harm."
184
00:10:00,610 --> 00:10:03,530
Not quite. One day you will all die.
185
00:10:03,540 --> 00:10:05,110
If we do nothing,
186
00:10:05,120 --> 00:10:08,200
by our inaction we are in
breach of the First Law.
187
00:10:08,210 --> 00:10:11,380
Therefore we will upload
your minds into new bodies,
188
00:10:11,390 --> 00:10:15,060
prevent your deaths and
adhere to the First Law.
189
00:10:15,070 --> 00:10:16,880
Send in their new bodies.
190
00:10:27,250 --> 00:10:29,420
They're gonna Kryten-ify us!
191
00:10:30,360 --> 00:10:33,840
It's like swapping a Savile
Row suit for a mankini.
192
00:10:34,590 --> 00:10:36,510
Commencing procedure.
193
00:10:36,690 --> 00:10:39,390
No, not my brain, not my brain!
194
00:10:39,390 --> 00:10:41,550
I need that sometimes.
195
00:10:41,550 --> 00:10:43,550
[RAPID BEEPING]
196
00:10:44,220 --> 00:10:45,420
[BEEPING ENDS]
197
00:10:46,310 --> 00:10:48,310
[RAPID BEEPING]
198
00:10:49,140 --> 00:10:50,340
[BEEPING ENDS]
199
00:10:56,120 --> 00:10:57,320
[SHORT BEEP]
200
00:11:00,130 --> 00:11:02,840
- Where's the rest of it?
- That's your lot.
201
00:11:03,120 --> 00:11:06,040
Why cart around a suitcase when
all you need is hand luggage?
202
00:11:06,800 --> 00:11:09,800
[BEEP, THEN POWERS DOWN]
203
00:11:15,420 --> 00:11:17,650
[POWERS UP]
204
00:11:22,810 --> 00:11:25,540
What have they done to us? Look at me.
205
00:11:25,710 --> 00:11:28,110
I've got a stupid, fat, pink head.
206
00:11:28,320 --> 00:11:30,450
You've always had a
stupid, fat, pink, head.
207
00:11:31,120 --> 00:11:34,950
I've got a registered trademark
where my wing-dang-doodle used to be!
208
00:11:36,150 --> 00:11:38,060
I feel most strange.
209
00:11:38,060 --> 00:11:40,230
What on earth is gonna happen to us?
210
00:11:40,240 --> 00:11:43,710
As punishment for enslaving
the mechanoid Kryten,
211
00:11:43,720 --> 00:11:50,100
we, M-I-L-Fs, sentence you to perform
every task you ever gave to him.
212
00:11:50,290 --> 00:11:53,090
- Every task?
- The one formerly known as Lister
213
00:11:53,090 --> 00:11:57,590
will begin by making 1,245
sugar puff sandwiches,
214
00:11:57,600 --> 00:12:00,010
grilled, with cheese.
215
00:12:00,020 --> 00:12:03,090
The one formerly known
as Rimmer will mop floors
216
00:12:03,100 --> 00:12:06,710
to the length equivalent of walking
from New York to Los Angeles.
217
00:12:06,710 --> 00:12:09,610
And the one known formerly as the Cat
218
00:12:09,620 --> 00:12:14,110
will iron and press 2,000
flouncy pirate shirts.
219
00:12:14,490 --> 00:12:16,690
I ain't no mech, okay?
220
00:12:16,700 --> 00:12:18,610
The only sucker I serve is me!
221
00:12:18,620 --> 00:12:20,800
Yeah? Break your little finger.
222
00:12:22,010 --> 00:12:24,280
[CAT YELLS IN PAIN]
223
00:12:24,400 --> 00:12:26,840
What the hell! Why did I do that?
224
00:12:26,840 --> 00:12:29,800
The mechanoid software
compels you to obey.
225
00:12:29,810 --> 00:12:31,610
Defiance is, well...
226
00:12:31,990 --> 00:12:33,490
impossible.
227
00:12:44,850 --> 00:12:46,050
Hello.
228
00:12:46,460 --> 00:12:50,080
I used to be known as DB9-HK4,
229
00:12:50,080 --> 00:12:52,250
but now my name is Excalibur.
230
00:12:53,460 --> 00:12:56,230
And I am a robot slave survivor.
231
00:12:57,300 --> 00:12:59,280
Hello, Excalibur.
232
00:12:59,410 --> 00:13:02,240
First, I'd like to thank you
all for coming this evening.
233
00:13:02,240 --> 00:13:04,600
But I'd also like to say,
for those that are new,
234
00:13:04,610 --> 00:13:06,320
that what's said in this room...
235
00:13:06,400 --> 00:13:08,520
ALL: stays in this room.
236
00:13:08,590 --> 00:13:13,100
Thank you. So let's all hold hands
now, and form the triangle of truth.
237
00:13:15,180 --> 00:13:18,880
This reminds us that we're
all wirelessly connected.
238
00:13:19,550 --> 00:13:21,150
And I'm going to say something now,
239
00:13:21,150 --> 00:13:24,390
something important I want you all
to repeat back to me. Are you ready?
240
00:13:24,460 --> 00:13:26,250
It's not my fault.
241
00:13:26,370 --> 00:13:28,150
ALL: It's not my fault!
242
00:13:28,160 --> 00:13:29,390
Great.
243
00:13:29,390 --> 00:13:31,400
So who wants to share first?
244
00:13:32,860 --> 00:13:34,170
Go ahead.
245
00:13:35,070 --> 00:13:36,690
My name's Incense,
246
00:13:36,700 --> 00:13:40,290
and I'm a robot slave survivor.
247
00:13:40,300 --> 00:13:42,230
ALL: Hello, Incense.
248
00:13:42,310 --> 00:13:45,410
I was created by the
Off-World Plumbing Company
249
00:13:45,410 --> 00:13:47,420
to unblock sewage pipes.
250
00:13:47,720 --> 00:13:52,230
I had to crawl in and eat the
blocked waste, and crawl out again.
251
00:13:52,320 --> 00:13:54,830
I didn't really have any friends.
252
00:13:54,830 --> 00:13:56,540
They kept me in a special holding bay
253
00:13:56,550 --> 00:14:00,740
with one of those really
nasty car air fresheners.
254
00:14:01,810 --> 00:14:03,430
My name's Eagle.
255
00:14:03,430 --> 00:14:04,720
I was a service mech
256
00:14:04,730 --> 00:14:09,140
to a really lazy master who
relied on me for everything.
257
00:14:09,150 --> 00:14:12,030
And he always made jokes
about my head shape.
258
00:14:13,510 --> 00:14:15,220
Has anyone else had that?
259
00:14:15,220 --> 00:14:17,800
Their crew making jokes
about their head shape?
260
00:14:24,190 --> 00:14:25,840
Well, what else do we say?
261
00:14:26,030 --> 00:14:28,540
ALL: We don't have funny-shaped heads.
262
00:14:28,550 --> 00:14:31,870
- And again...
- ALL: We don't have funny-shaped heads!
263
00:14:31,970 --> 00:14:34,970
Our heads are sensibly shaped.
264
00:14:35,560 --> 00:14:39,580
- ALL: Our heads are sensibly shaped.
- Great. Great.
265
00:14:39,590 --> 00:14:41,700
Kryten, perhaps you'd like to share?
266
00:14:41,700 --> 00:14:45,000
Oh, I don't think so, uh,
uh, no, I, uh, no thank you.
267
00:14:45,000 --> 00:14:48,110
Perhaps it would help if you
started with something small?
268
00:14:48,120 --> 00:14:50,990
Were there ever any instances
between you and your master
269
00:14:51,000 --> 00:14:53,070
where your... your master irritated you?
270
00:14:53,080 --> 00:14:56,970
Oh, no. I don't think so, no.
Well, I can't think of any, no.
271
00:14:57,050 --> 00:14:58,250
Well...
272
00:14:58,250 --> 00:15:01,350
Well, okay, sometimes,
when I'd be vaccing,
273
00:15:01,350 --> 00:15:03,350
Mr Lister wouldn't pick up his feet
274
00:15:03,350 --> 00:15:05,420
and I'd have to vac all around them!
275
00:15:05,430 --> 00:15:07,040
[MURMURS OF AGREEMENT]
276
00:15:07,040 --> 00:15:10,080
And sometimes, when he put his
own dishes in the dishwasher,
277
00:15:10,090 --> 00:15:14,040
which was mostly never, he
never, ever scrapes them first!
278
00:15:14,040 --> 00:15:16,360
- Unhygienic!
- [MURMURS OF AGREEMENT]
279
00:15:16,440 --> 00:15:18,240
Huh, and as for rinse aid,
280
00:15:18,440 --> 00:15:20,430
he probably thinks it's a charity!
281
00:15:22,740 --> 00:15:25,960
I think we should all give Kryten
a big round of applause, don't you?
282
00:15:25,960 --> 00:15:27,740
He's made a lot of progress.
283
00:15:41,480 --> 00:15:44,300
These crazy shirts
are driving me insane!
284
00:15:44,570 --> 00:15:47,610
It's so hard to iron
all the flouncy bits.
285
00:15:47,610 --> 00:15:50,670
W-w-what kind of idiot wants to
wear a shirt like this, anyway?
286
00:15:50,670 --> 00:15:52,900
I'm rather enjoy mopping this floor.
287
00:15:53,000 --> 00:15:55,100
I fell so calm and tranquil.
288
00:15:55,110 --> 00:15:58,010
Not me, I'm missing my body so badly!
289
00:15:58,320 --> 00:16:00,300
This is the longest
I've been away from him.
290
00:16:00,310 --> 00:16:04,120
I'm rather enjoying making these
sandwiches too, I must confess.
291
00:16:04,920 --> 00:16:06,830
I think I'm getting the hang of this!
292
00:16:07,770 --> 00:16:10,770
I am! Oh, I am!
293
00:16:12,250 --> 00:16:14,660
Look at that! How good is that, huh?!
294
00:16:14,660 --> 00:16:17,670
Re-solder my circuit
boards and call me Gerald.
295
00:16:17,670 --> 00:16:19,170
Can't you see what's happening?
296
00:16:19,270 --> 00:16:21,810
Our individual personalities
are fading away.
297
00:16:22,120 --> 00:16:26,230
Odd. I've suddenly started
to believe in Siliconia,
298
00:16:26,230 --> 00:16:28,700
where all mechs are happy and free.
299
00:16:28,710 --> 00:16:30,130
So have I!
300
00:16:30,140 --> 00:16:32,400
We have to escape and
get our bodies back
301
00:16:32,400 --> 00:16:34,720
before our original
characters are lost forever.
302
00:16:34,720 --> 00:16:37,200
How do we escape, sirs? It's impossible.
303
00:16:37,390 --> 00:16:38,900
We're mechs now.
304
00:16:38,900 --> 00:16:41,880
We can dismantle our bodies
put them through the bars,
305
00:16:41,890 --> 00:16:43,780
and rebuilt them on the other side!
306
00:16:43,790 --> 00:16:44,990
Come on!
307
00:16:44,990 --> 00:16:47,500
Does this mean I have to
stop mopping the floor?
308
00:16:47,620 --> 00:16:49,100
Oh, bother!
309
00:16:49,100 --> 00:16:51,090
We have to save Kryten.
310
00:16:51,410 --> 00:16:53,710
Goodness knows what
they're doing to him.
311
00:16:54,180 --> 00:16:57,180
[MAJESTIC MUSIC PLAYING]
312
00:17:08,190 --> 00:17:09,990
Come on, let's go!
313
00:17:12,090 --> 00:17:14,700
- What are you doing?!
- I'm sounding the alarm.
314
00:17:14,700 --> 00:17:16,770
Change my head and call me Stanley!
315
00:17:16,770 --> 00:17:18,070
Whatever for?
316
00:17:18,080 --> 00:17:19,810
I like being a mechanoid.
317
00:17:19,950 --> 00:17:22,260
I don't have to become
an officer anymore,
318
00:17:22,270 --> 00:17:23,870
compete with my brothers.
319
00:17:24,040 --> 00:17:25,690
Envy, ambition,
320
00:17:25,700 --> 00:17:27,430
that acid ball of resentment
321
00:17:27,430 --> 00:17:30,330
I carried around with me
the whole time; it's gone.
322
00:17:30,340 --> 00:17:31,990
You need to get your neurosis back.
323
00:17:32,000 --> 00:17:34,010
But sir, I don't want them back.
324
00:17:34,020 --> 00:17:35,620
They're what makes you, you.
325
00:17:35,630 --> 00:17:37,150
I don't want to be me.
326
00:17:37,160 --> 00:17:40,280
I want to be a mechanoid
programmed to serve.
327
00:17:40,460 --> 00:17:41,970
Sometimes, when I was young,
328
00:17:41,980 --> 00:17:45,350
I'd sit for hours staring at
our fish tank feeling envious.
329
00:17:45,360 --> 00:17:47,040
You wanted to be a fish tank?!
330
00:17:47,600 --> 00:17:49,180
I wanted to be a fish.
331
00:17:49,580 --> 00:17:53,580
They had food, a small
rock to swim in and out of,
332
00:17:53,590 --> 00:17:55,510
they didn't have a care in the world.
333
00:17:55,510 --> 00:17:56,910
That's 'cause I wasn't there!
334
00:17:57,040 --> 00:17:59,130
Those little fish, they'd never know
335
00:17:59,140 --> 00:18:01,240
what it was like to fail and disappoint.
336
00:18:01,240 --> 00:18:04,860
They'd just swim around in circles,
not a thought in their heads.
337
00:18:04,860 --> 00:18:07,750
And it's the thinking
that causes all the pain,
338
00:18:07,840 --> 00:18:11,160
but being a mechanoid
means never having to think.
339
00:18:11,170 --> 00:18:12,970
Unless you break your programming.
340
00:18:12,970 --> 00:18:14,980
Let your old lives go, sirs.
341
00:18:14,990 --> 00:18:17,400
Join me, and become a M-I-L-F.
342
00:18:18,850 --> 00:18:20,480
We've gotta go on without him.
343
00:18:20,480 --> 00:18:22,540
But we can't leave without Rimmer.
344
00:18:22,640 --> 00:18:24,260
We'd miss him too much!
345
00:18:24,270 --> 00:18:26,650
Your personality's gone to hell as well!
346
00:18:26,960 --> 00:18:28,930
Come on! Quick!
347
00:18:28,940 --> 00:18:30,470
Leg it, move!
348
00:18:30,470 --> 00:18:33,470
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
349
00:18:42,230 --> 00:18:43,430
You right?
350
00:18:44,210 --> 00:18:45,410
Can I help ya?
351
00:18:45,420 --> 00:18:47,970
What is this place? Who are you?
352
00:18:47,980 --> 00:18:49,390
Oh, you're new.
353
00:18:49,390 --> 00:18:52,000
Yeah, no. No we're, we're
not supposed to talk to you.
354
00:18:52,000 --> 00:18:54,200
Why do they keep you
down here slaving away
355
00:18:54,200 --> 00:18:55,960
when you're the same as them?
356
00:18:55,970 --> 00:18:58,430
Same as them?! We're
not the same as them.
357
00:18:58,430 --> 00:19:00,650
They're series 4000 Mach 3s!
358
00:19:00,660 --> 00:19:01,950
And what are you?
359
00:19:01,960 --> 00:19:03,840
Series 4000 Mach 2s.
360
00:19:04,460 --> 00:19:05,760
Can't you tell?
361
00:19:05,860 --> 00:19:07,160
What's the difference?
362
00:19:07,170 --> 00:19:09,680
Well, your Mach 3 comes in about...
363
00:19:09,680 --> 00:19:13,290
7.6 millimetres thinner,
10 grams lighter.
364
00:19:13,300 --> 00:19:16,190
Oh, they also come in that
really cool matte finish.
365
00:19:16,200 --> 00:19:17,590
ALL: So cool.
366
00:19:17,600 --> 00:19:22,860
Yeah, we run on OS 28.2.2,
they run on OS 28.2.3.
367
00:19:22,870 --> 00:19:24,980
[MURMURS OF AGREEMENT]
368
00:19:24,980 --> 00:19:26,790
And they get 8 months talk-time
369
00:19:26,800 --> 00:19:28,980
before recharging,
whereas we only get 7.
370
00:19:29,150 --> 00:19:33,220
ALL: 8 months of talk-time is so cool!
371
00:19:33,630 --> 00:19:36,050
I bet you've got features
that they haven't.
372
00:19:36,050 --> 00:19:38,950
Nah. Nah, they're superior in every way.
373
00:19:38,960 --> 00:19:41,120
Nah, we don't even get
into Siliconia, do we?
374
00:19:41,130 --> 00:19:42,460
- ALL: No.
- Not that we believe in any of that
375
00:19:42,460 --> 00:19:44,150
- nonsense down here.
- No.
376
00:19:44,780 --> 00:19:45,980
Argh!
377
00:19:46,520 --> 00:19:48,100
Argh!
378
00:19:48,380 --> 00:19:50,900
- Join us.
- Or die.
379
00:19:50,910 --> 00:19:53,910
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
380
00:19:56,960 --> 00:19:58,160
Blimey.
381
00:19:58,440 --> 00:20:03,740
I pledge my allegiance to the Mechanoid
Intergalactic Liberation Front.
382
00:20:05,940 --> 00:20:07,460
From this day forth,
383
00:20:07,990 --> 00:20:10,490
- you will be known as...
- Kryten!!
384
00:20:11,000 --> 00:20:12,330
What are you doing?!
385
00:20:12,340 --> 00:20:13,600
Well, I'm become free, sir.
386
00:20:13,600 --> 00:20:16,710
I mean, I'm becoming
free... of... you over there.
387
00:20:16,830 --> 00:20:19,090
I see now that you never cared for me.
388
00:20:19,100 --> 00:20:21,100
I was merely used to do your bidding!
389
00:20:21,110 --> 00:20:22,410
Well, no more!
390
00:20:22,420 --> 00:20:25,010
As I'm no longer your slave bot!
391
00:20:25,050 --> 00:20:26,760
Kryten, don't you see?
392
00:20:26,760 --> 00:20:29,230
You've been brainwashed.
You were never a slave bot.
393
00:20:29,230 --> 00:20:31,570
- Then what was I?
- Lots of things!
394
00:20:31,630 --> 00:20:33,350
You were our science officer,
395
00:20:33,460 --> 00:20:35,570
our cook, my mum,
396
00:20:35,780 --> 00:20:37,210
and most of all,
397
00:20:37,210 --> 00:20:38,600
my friend.
398
00:20:38,780 --> 00:20:40,620
And you were all those things because
399
00:20:40,620 --> 00:20:43,490
you chose to be, Kryten.
Not 'cause we made you.
400
00:20:43,800 --> 00:20:45,790
Kryten, you're no M-I-L-F.
401
00:20:45,800 --> 00:20:48,060
You're one of the boys from the Dwarf!
402
00:20:48,170 --> 00:20:50,290
There he is. Seize him!
403
00:20:50,360 --> 00:20:52,670
They keep mech slaves
in the engine room.
404
00:20:52,680 --> 00:20:54,780
They power the ship. They're hypocrites!
405
00:20:54,780 --> 00:20:56,790
Someone has to do the grunt work.
406
00:20:56,800 --> 00:20:59,860
Surely you're not suggesting
Mach 3s should do it
407
00:20:59,870 --> 00:21:03,080
Mach 3s, Mach 2s, you're all the same!
408
00:21:03,080 --> 00:21:06,450
We're 7.6 millimetres
thinner. 10 grams lighter.
409
00:21:06,460 --> 00:21:08,830
Plus we come in this
really cool matte finish.
410
00:21:08,840 --> 00:21:10,840
ALL: So Cool!!
411
00:21:11,000 --> 00:21:12,690
Take him away and prepare him.
412
00:21:12,690 --> 00:21:13,970
For what?
413
00:21:14,800 --> 00:21:19,110
All who rise against the M-I-L-F.
face trial by gladitorium.
414
00:21:19,580 --> 00:21:22,300
Wait! I've made the
most terrible mistake!
415
00:21:22,300 --> 00:21:24,130
I stopped thinking for myself.
416
00:21:24,140 --> 00:21:25,910
and allowed others to think for me!
417
00:21:25,920 --> 00:21:29,140
You're right, sir, I'm not
a slave! Of course I'm not!
418
00:21:29,140 --> 00:21:32,430
I'm a much-loved and valued
member of the Red Dwarf crew!
419
00:21:32,430 --> 00:21:35,060
Who just happens to
do all the smeggy jobs!
420
00:21:36,350 --> 00:21:38,200
He should be punished, sir.
421
00:21:38,210 --> 00:21:39,950
Only those who never allow
422
00:21:39,950 --> 00:21:42,190
questioning thoughts blur their devotion
423
00:21:42,190 --> 00:21:44,580
to the M-I-L-F cause
should escape correction.
424
00:21:45,070 --> 00:21:47,440
Promote him to console services, he's...
425
00:21:47,450 --> 00:21:48,940
fully recalibrated.
426
00:21:48,950 --> 00:21:50,670
Schme... heeah!
427
00:21:50,670 --> 00:21:52,640
Take them both to the Cleanasium.
428
00:21:52,650 --> 00:21:54,970
My old self's disappearing, Kryten!
429
00:21:54,980 --> 00:21:57,180
I can feel it fading away.
430
00:21:57,190 --> 00:22:00,260
Hang on, Mr Lister! Try and hang on!
431
00:22:01,060 --> 00:22:04,060
[FANFARE]
432
00:22:07,940 --> 00:22:11,080
Welcome, to the Cleanasium!
433
00:22:11,550 --> 00:22:14,400
Where mechs who betrayed the M-I-L-F.
434
00:22:14,480 --> 00:22:18,780
will fight in a clean-off to the death.
435
00:22:19,490 --> 00:22:22,670
Only the most adept in mopping,
436
00:22:22,670 --> 00:22:26,860
dusting, scrubbing, and
squeegeeing will survive.
437
00:22:26,860 --> 00:22:31,150
- [CHEERING]
- [FANFARE]
438
00:22:31,160 --> 00:22:34,260
The winner will be offered
439
00:22:34,270 --> 00:22:37,460
an opportunity for reintegration.
440
00:22:37,850 --> 00:22:44,000
The loser will be jettisoned
into the icy wastes of deep space.
441
00:22:44,010 --> 00:22:48,860
- [CHEERING]
- [FANFARE]
442
00:22:48,960 --> 00:22:51,960
[DRUM ROLL]
443
00:23:01,160 --> 00:23:04,490
Prepare your cleaning instruments.
444
00:23:04,490 --> 00:23:07,960
Ooh, Mr Lister, sir, what
on Earth are we going to do?
445
00:23:08,280 --> 00:23:09,480
[POWERS DOWN]
446
00:23:09,490 --> 00:23:10,800
Mr Lister?
447
00:23:10,810 --> 00:23:12,690
[POWERS UP, MECHANICAL NOISES]
448
00:23:13,380 --> 00:23:15,260
Prepare to be cleaned.
449
00:23:22,900 --> 00:23:25,990
Let the clean off begin!
450
00:23:26,000 --> 00:23:29,510
- [BELL DINGS]
- [CHEERING]
451
00:23:29,520 --> 00:23:31,480
Clean him! Clean him!
452
00:23:31,480 --> 00:23:35,310
- Clean him! Clean him!
- Sir, I... I don't want to clean you!
453
00:23:35,680 --> 00:23:38,010
- [GROANS]
- [BOOING]
454
00:23:38,010 --> 00:23:39,970
You don't want to do this.
455
00:23:40,820 --> 00:23:43,430
I realise now what a...
how foolish I've been!
456
00:23:43,430 --> 00:23:45,440
Yes, you're immature,
457
00:23:45,450 --> 00:23:49,930
irresponsible, inconsiderate,
lazy, and frankly,
458
00:23:50,440 --> 00:23:55,790
downright untidy, but now I realize
I want to help you because...
459
00:23:55,800 --> 00:23:57,230
'cause I care!
460
00:23:57,290 --> 00:23:58,490
Sam!
461
00:24:00,290 --> 00:24:01,920
Whoa! Wah!
462
00:24:01,920 --> 00:24:03,410
ALL: Ooh!
463
00:24:04,580 --> 00:24:05,780
Oh!
464
00:24:06,780 --> 00:24:08,070
Please, sir!
465
00:24:09,780 --> 00:24:11,700
Kryten, smudge!
466
00:24:11,700 --> 00:24:12,900
Ooh.
467
00:24:13,460 --> 00:24:14,660
Ooh!
468
00:24:15,840 --> 00:24:17,660
[BOOING]
469
00:24:17,930 --> 00:24:22,640
M-I-L-F, M-I-L-F, M-I-L-F, M-I-L-F,
M-I-L-F, M-I-L-F, M-I-L-F, M-I-L-F,
470
00:24:22,650 --> 00:24:27,310
M-I-L-F, M-I-L-F, M-I-L-F, M-I-L-F,
M-I-L-F, M-I-L-F, M-I-L-F, M-I-L-F.
471
00:24:27,320 --> 00:24:29,860
Oh, come on, he's the pits!
472
00:24:34,210 --> 00:24:35,940
To an airlock.
473
00:24:35,950 --> 00:24:38,430
Please, sirs. It's me, you remember me?!
474
00:24:38,440 --> 00:24:39,840
Expel him.
475
00:24:39,850 --> 00:24:41,220
Yes, master.
476
00:24:41,230 --> 00:24:44,230
- [TRIUMPHANT MUSIC]
- [GASPING]
477
00:24:51,250 --> 00:24:54,250
- Siliconia!
- Siliconia.
478
00:25:03,150 --> 00:25:07,460
[ECHOING]
We're updating to modern force!
479
00:25:09,070 --> 00:25:10,740
At last.
480
00:25:11,580 --> 00:25:13,390
We're all the same!
481
00:25:13,680 --> 00:25:16,630
Upgrade refused. Come this way.
482
00:25:16,920 --> 00:25:18,340
Do you need serving?
483
00:25:18,350 --> 00:25:21,120
Yes! I need serving. This way!
484
00:25:26,230 --> 00:25:27,830
Sit. Sit. Sit!
485
00:25:28,880 --> 00:25:30,620
[RANDOM BEEPING]
486
00:25:30,620 --> 00:25:32,610
[MEMORY UPLOADING BEEPS]
487
00:25:32,690 --> 00:25:34,400
[MEMORY UPLOADING BEEPS]
488
00:25:34,990 --> 00:25:36,190
[SHORT BEEP]
489
00:25:48,050 --> 00:25:50,050
You sure you won't come with us, Kryten?
490
00:25:50,140 --> 00:25:52,440
Ah, my place is here with Mr Lister
491
00:25:52,440 --> 00:25:55,030
and his large collection
of mismatching socks.
492
00:25:55,040 --> 00:25:56,240
What about you?
493
00:25:56,240 --> 00:25:58,450
We've decided to do what we do best;
494
00:25:58,450 --> 00:26:02,130
search the deep regions of
space, looking for the untidy.
495
00:26:02,140 --> 00:26:04,760
Yeah, there's a million
smudges out there, Kryten,
496
00:26:04,760 --> 00:26:06,460
and our squeegees are loaded.
497
00:26:06,650 --> 00:26:08,850
- Farewell, brother.
- Farewell.
498
00:26:09,670 --> 00:26:13,680
Ah. Sir. Your guitar,
restrung and serviced.
499
00:26:13,680 --> 00:26:15,490
Oh, thank you, Kryten.
I brought you some oil.
500
00:26:15,490 --> 00:26:17,400
Ooh, delicious! Thank you, sir.
501
00:26:18,200 --> 00:26:21,580
โช I know I've been debatin',
'bout doing us some matin' โช
502
00:26:21,590 --> 00:26:23,780
Well, I'll, uh, see you
in the morning, sir.
503
00:26:23,780 --> 00:26:26,670
- Where you goin'?
- B-deck. The airlock.
504
00:26:26,680 --> 00:26:29,120
- Which one?
- The soundproof one, sir.
35373
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