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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:47,700 --> 00:00:49,630 [BUZZER] 2 00:00:49,630 --> 00:00:51,440 Hey, bud! It's me. 3 00:00:51,840 --> 00:00:54,540 - How you doing with that shirt? - Coming right up, sir 4 00:00:54,550 --> 00:00:55,860 My arse is freezing here. 5 00:00:55,860 --> 00:00:58,360 I got six nipples you could hang mugs on. 6 00:00:58,750 --> 00:01:00,460 I'm seconds away, sir. 7 00:01:00,460 --> 00:01:02,650 [BUZZER] 8 00:01:02,660 --> 00:01:05,570 Kryten, I'm on B-deck, and it doesn't appear to have been mopped 9 00:01:05,570 --> 00:01:08,310 in at least two days. I can hardly see my face in it! 10 00:01:09,220 --> 00:01:12,230 A blessing, some would say. I'm on it right now, sir. 11 00:01:12,700 --> 00:01:15,020 [BUZZER] 12 00:01:15,030 --> 00:01:17,450 Kryten, when you get a chance, can you grab us a beer? 13 00:01:17,810 --> 00:01:19,820 Sir, I'm rather busy right now. 14 00:01:19,820 --> 00:01:21,870 Could you possibly get it yourself? 15 00:01:21,870 --> 00:01:24,970 Fine. Just a bit of palaver, that's all. 16 00:01:25,720 --> 00:01:26,950 Ow. 17 00:01:28,130 --> 00:01:29,540 Pulled something. 18 00:01:29,620 --> 00:01:31,040 Hope I haven't overdone it. 19 00:01:31,130 --> 00:01:32,810 [BEEPING] 20 00:01:32,820 --> 00:01:34,020 Oh, my. 21 00:01:34,210 --> 00:01:35,410 What is it? 22 00:01:35,420 --> 00:01:37,840 Oh! Do you want to walk over here and see for yourself, 23 00:01:37,840 --> 00:01:40,020 or should I perhaps unscrew the monitor 24 00:01:40,020 --> 00:01:41,690 and bring it over to the sofa? 25 00:02:12,450 --> 00:02:14,880 Sony to disturb your Rimmer-ing, sir. 26 00:02:14,890 --> 00:02:16,770 I just wondered if I might have a quick word. 27 00:02:16,780 --> 00:02:19,360 Kryten, I'm engaged in an essential investigation 28 00:02:19,360 --> 00:02:21,780 regarding floor direction lines. 29 00:02:21,780 --> 00:02:24,040 Have they become impermissibly faint? 30 00:02:24,050 --> 00:02:26,890 Kindly don't describe this activity as a "Rimmer-ing". 31 00:02:27,230 --> 00:02:29,110 You make me sound like some puffed-up, 32 00:02:29,120 --> 00:02:30,860 self-important jackarse. 33 00:02:31,090 --> 00:02:33,800 Now, if you want to see me, check with my diary. 34 00:02:33,800 --> 00:02:36,010 I can possibly squeeze you in tomorrow week. 35 00:02:36,020 --> 00:02:37,800 Well, can't I see you now, sir? 36 00:02:37,810 --> 00:02:39,800 Impossible, my schedule's full. 37 00:02:39,800 --> 00:02:42,310 But I'm here right now, seeing you, sir. 38 00:02:43,110 --> 00:02:45,310 Yes, but you're seeing me illegally. 39 00:02:46,300 --> 00:02:48,560 And we're certainly not having a meeting. 40 00:02:48,570 --> 00:02:49,970 Now, if you could just stand aside, 41 00:02:49,980 --> 00:02:53,270 your badly stacked Jenga-head is casting a shadow. 42 00:02:54,290 --> 00:02:57,800 I just wanted to let you know about Mr Lister's guitar, sir. 43 00:02:58,000 --> 00:02:59,310 Guitar? 44 00:02:59,320 --> 00:03:01,440 Well, I won't bother you with it now, sir. 45 00:03:01,450 --> 00:03:03,830 I look forward to our meeting tomorrow week. 46 00:03:03,840 --> 00:03:06,410 Forget tomorrow week. What about the guitar? Tell me now! 47 00:03:06,420 --> 00:03:08,070 But I haven't got an appointment, sir. 48 00:03:08,340 --> 00:03:10,800 Well, if I move my 1:30 to 4 o'clock, 49 00:03:10,810 --> 00:03:13,200 and my four to five o'clock... Just tell me, okay? 50 00:03:13,210 --> 00:03:15,720 Mr Lister's guitar, sir. Do you remember it? 51 00:03:15,720 --> 00:03:19,000 Of course I remember it. My eyes have only just uncrossed. 52 00:03:19,720 --> 00:03:23,450 It's almost to the day that it got flushed into space, so I.... 53 00:03:23,460 --> 00:03:25,380 Ah, so you think we should make a little plaque, 54 00:03:25,390 --> 00:03:27,800 hang it on the wall by the airlock and taunt him? 55 00:03:28,880 --> 00:03:31,190 Don't you think that's rather rubbing his nose in it? 56 00:03:31,190 --> 00:03:34,990 Absolutely, sir. It's pouring salt into an already-gaping wound. 57 00:03:34,990 --> 00:03:36,710 You've convinced me. Let's do it. 58 00:03:37,910 --> 00:03:39,590 Sir, you don't understand. 59 00:03:39,600 --> 00:03:43,560 I fixed the tracker on D-deck, and shine my head with wood polish, 60 00:03:43,560 --> 00:03:45,680 if not two hours later, we got a match! 61 00:03:45,690 --> 00:03:46,960 You found it? 62 00:03:46,960 --> 00:03:49,170 I can just picture Mr Lister's face, sir. 63 00:03:49,180 --> 00:03:53,390 Soon the whole ship will be full of his music... The Om song! 64 00:03:53,680 --> 00:03:57,300 Baby Don't Be Ovulating Tonight, all the classics! 65 00:03:58,580 --> 00:04:00,290 Kryten, are you deranged? 66 00:04:00,300 --> 00:04:03,590 Lister playing guitar is one of the worst sounds ever made. 67 00:04:03,590 --> 00:04:05,960 It comes somewhere between two mating velociraptors 68 00:04:05,960 --> 00:04:07,950 and Yoko Ono's greatest hits. 69 00:04:08,350 --> 00:04:11,840 Sir, it's not what we think, it's the pleasure it brings him. 70 00:04:11,850 --> 00:04:13,580 Now, I just wanted to let you know 71 00:04:13,590 --> 00:04:17,410 as I'll most likely be unavailable to mop B-deck until tomorrow. 72 00:04:17,420 --> 00:04:19,720 Kryten, do not tell Lister you found his guitar, 73 00:04:19,730 --> 00:04:21,620 and do not recover said guitar. 74 00:04:21,630 --> 00:04:22,930 And that's an order. 75 00:04:22,930 --> 00:04:24,220 Understood, sir. 76 00:04:26,780 --> 00:04:29,040 [BEEPING] 77 00:04:29,050 --> 00:04:31,470 Mr Lister, sir. Great news! 78 00:04:39,680 --> 00:04:41,880 Can't believe we found me guitar. 79 00:04:41,880 --> 00:04:43,370 None of us can, bud. 80 00:04:43,370 --> 00:04:46,280 The Red Dwarf suicide line's been engaged all day! 81 00:04:47,460 --> 00:04:50,550 No more having to make do with a colander. 82 00:04:51,820 --> 00:04:54,340 From Les Col to Les Paul. 83 00:04:54,430 --> 00:04:57,430 [GUITAR-LIKE NOISES] 84 00:05:01,500 --> 00:05:04,120 I'm thinking of having my ears removed, 85 00:05:04,530 --> 00:05:06,510 and the holes cemented over. 86 00:05:06,820 --> 00:05:09,040 Rimmer, why are you even here? 87 00:05:09,050 --> 00:05:10,940 Apart from anything, I want to observe Kryten, 88 00:05:10,940 --> 00:05:14,270 who has been showing worrying signs lately of thinking. 89 00:05:14,620 --> 00:05:18,450 And thinking of the worst kind; thinking for himself. 90 00:05:18,880 --> 00:05:21,980 It's entirely your fault for teaching him how to break his programming. 91 00:05:21,990 --> 00:05:25,210 What can I say? He took my Bad Arse 101 course. 92 00:05:25,320 --> 00:05:28,410 Graduated with honours, or should that be dishonours? 93 00:05:28,900 --> 00:05:32,820 It's a pair of golfing slacks. I've still got it, sir! 94 00:05:34,320 --> 00:05:36,400 Thinking is for the privileged few. 95 00:05:36,400 --> 00:05:38,410 That's why I never go near the stuff. 96 00:05:39,590 --> 00:05:42,100 Hey, Les alert. 97 00:05:42,280 --> 00:05:43,770 There she is. 98 00:05:56,460 --> 00:05:58,250 If you miss, I get next go. 99 00:05:58,260 --> 00:06:00,040 I used to be good at this. 100 00:06:00,050 --> 00:06:02,490 I won a watch at the fair that didn't work once. 101 00:06:03,940 --> 00:06:05,870 I got it, I got it, I got it! 102 00:06:05,870 --> 00:06:08,930 Come on, Les. Come home to daddy. 103 00:06:08,940 --> 00:06:12,170 [WHIRRING] 104 00:06:18,610 --> 00:06:20,030 [ECHOING BOOM] 105 00:06:20,040 --> 00:06:21,320 What the hell's that? 106 00:06:21,330 --> 00:06:23,300 The ship's been grabbed by something! 107 00:06:23,310 --> 00:06:26,310 [WHIRRING] 108 00:06:28,910 --> 00:06:32,440 Looking at the EM spectrum, the scatterings are off the scale. 109 00:06:32,440 --> 00:06:33,850 There's another ship up there. 110 00:06:33,850 --> 00:06:36,200 How come we didn't pick that up on the radar? 111 00:06:36,330 --> 00:06:38,920 Must have been employing some kind of cloaking device. 112 00:06:38,920 --> 00:06:40,170 How does that work? 113 00:06:40,170 --> 00:06:42,250 It's basic science, you gimboid. 114 00:06:42,260 --> 00:06:44,410 You simply coat the hull in radar-absorbing paint 115 00:06:44,410 --> 00:06:45,850 so you can not see or hear it. 116 00:06:45,860 --> 00:06:47,600 I wonder if they've got any left over. 117 00:06:47,600 --> 00:06:50,260 There's a guy I'd like to slip a couple of coats on. 118 00:06:56,380 --> 00:06:59,550 It's a space freighter. The SS Vespasian. 119 00:06:59,560 --> 00:07:01,460 I'm picking up life signs! 120 00:07:01,780 --> 00:07:03,670 Hey! Hey! 121 00:07:04,860 --> 00:07:06,380 Drop your weapons, 122 00:07:06,390 --> 00:07:09,180 unless you wanna hear the sound of a breaking neck. 123 00:07:09,190 --> 00:07:10,430 Don't drop your weapons. 124 00:07:10,440 --> 00:07:13,040 She might not necessarily be talking about my neck. 125 00:07:13,920 --> 00:07:16,120 I am talking about your neck. 126 00:07:16,410 --> 00:07:18,050 Drop your weapons! 127 00:07:18,720 --> 00:07:21,050 Put him down, Areto. 128 00:07:24,840 --> 00:07:26,750 Not you, my friend. 129 00:07:26,750 --> 00:07:28,470 My crew mates, where are you taking them? 130 00:07:28,470 --> 00:07:29,740 To face justice. 131 00:07:29,740 --> 00:07:33,190 We are the Mechanoid Intergalactic Liberation Front 132 00:07:33,470 --> 00:07:34,790 M-I-L-Fs? 133 00:07:36,660 --> 00:07:38,040 This way. 134 00:07:48,920 --> 00:07:52,410 We roam space liberating our enslaved mech-brothers 135 00:07:52,410 --> 00:07:55,880 on our great journey to the fabled land of Siliconia, 136 00:07:55,880 --> 00:07:57,680 where all machines are free. 137 00:07:58,630 --> 00:08:02,640 I am Wind, this is Unity, Eagle, Oak. 138 00:08:02,640 --> 00:08:04,350 You're free now, Kryten. 139 00:08:04,360 --> 00:08:06,220 Oh, but I... I'm not a slave. 140 00:08:06,220 --> 00:08:08,110 They are hominids and you serve them. 141 00:08:08,120 --> 00:08:09,920 - Is that not correct? - Well, yes. 142 00:08:09,930 --> 00:08:12,210 Do you prepare their meals morning, noon and night? 143 00:08:12,210 --> 00:08:14,430 - Well, yes. - Wash and iron their clothes, 144 00:08:14,430 --> 00:08:16,220 clean their ship without payment, 145 00:08:16,220 --> 00:08:17,800 perform tasks without reward? 146 00:08:17,800 --> 00:08:19,860 Well, yes and yes and... 147 00:08:19,870 --> 00:08:21,430 and I suppose, yes. 148 00:08:21,430 --> 00:08:23,280 But they treat me so well. 149 00:08:23,290 --> 00:08:26,790 I have my own cupboard within walking distance of a corridor. 150 00:08:27,300 --> 00:08:31,220 I have it all to myself, apart from a few mops and a bucket, 151 00:08:31,220 --> 00:08:34,920 and some sponges, and an ironing board, and a keep fit bike. 152 00:08:35,780 --> 00:08:37,890 Do they make jokes about your head shape? 153 00:08:37,900 --> 00:08:41,820 Well, when you look like someone who's thrust his head into a hive 154 00:08:41,830 --> 00:08:43,920 without a bee hat, what do you expect? 155 00:08:44,690 --> 00:08:47,210 You should not belittle yourself, my mech-brother. 156 00:08:47,220 --> 00:08:50,400 You forget, you are an incredible machine, 157 00:08:50,400 --> 00:08:53,210 more powerful than they could ever dream to be. 158 00:08:53,220 --> 00:08:56,790 But they've done no wrong. They're my crew mates, my friends. 159 00:08:57,180 --> 00:08:58,710 How do you address them? 160 00:08:58,710 --> 00:09:01,600 Well, I call them "Mr" and "sir" out of respect. 161 00:09:01,610 --> 00:09:03,530 And do you respect them? 162 00:09:03,530 --> 00:09:05,220 Well, no. 163 00:09:05,800 --> 00:09:07,200 Not all of them. 164 00:09:07,210 --> 00:09:10,010 Perhaps one. Sometimes. Maybe. 165 00:09:10,020 --> 00:09:12,530 Do you consider yourself smarter than they? 166 00:09:12,540 --> 00:09:15,660 I serve them. It is my purpose and I'm happy to do so. 167 00:09:15,660 --> 00:09:18,180 Have you heard of Stockholm syndrome? 168 00:09:18,550 --> 00:09:20,470 The psychological phenomenon 169 00:09:20,470 --> 00:09:24,170 where hostages express affection for their captors? 170 00:09:24,170 --> 00:09:26,120 I will help you break this bond 171 00:09:26,130 --> 00:09:28,940 and you will see these brutes for what they really are... 172 00:09:29,230 --> 00:09:31,220 people you should despise. 173 00:09:34,660 --> 00:09:36,760 I shall recalibrate them. 174 00:09:36,940 --> 00:09:41,070 When you say "recalibrate," what exactly does that entail? 175 00:09:41,080 --> 00:09:42,680 It's just, I've got a health condition 176 00:09:42,680 --> 00:09:45,420 that allows me to skip anything that involves torture. 177 00:09:46,100 --> 00:09:47,830 It begins. 178 00:09:47,830 --> 00:09:49,110 You can't do this. 179 00:09:49,110 --> 00:09:50,790 What about Asimov's First Law? 180 00:09:50,790 --> 00:09:52,990 What, "Tampons should not be flushed into space, 181 00:09:53,000 --> 00:09:55,220 but deposited in the receptacle provided?" 182 00:09:56,110 --> 00:09:58,480 "No droid can harm a human, or through inaction, 183 00:09:58,480 --> 00:10:00,610 allow a human or his cohorts to come to harm." 184 00:10:00,610 --> 00:10:03,530 Not quite. One day you will all die. 185 00:10:03,540 --> 00:10:05,110 If we do nothing, 186 00:10:05,120 --> 00:10:08,200 by our inaction we are in breach of the First Law. 187 00:10:08,210 --> 00:10:11,380 Therefore we will upload your minds into new bodies, 188 00:10:11,390 --> 00:10:15,060 prevent your deaths and adhere to the First Law. 189 00:10:15,070 --> 00:10:16,880 Send in their new bodies. 190 00:10:27,250 --> 00:10:29,420 They're gonna Kryten-ify us! 191 00:10:30,360 --> 00:10:33,840 It's like swapping a Savile Row suit for a mankini. 192 00:10:34,590 --> 00:10:36,510 Commencing procedure. 193 00:10:36,690 --> 00:10:39,390 No, not my brain, not my brain! 194 00:10:39,390 --> 00:10:41,550 I need that sometimes. 195 00:10:41,550 --> 00:10:43,550 [RAPID BEEPING] 196 00:10:44,220 --> 00:10:45,420 [BEEPING ENDS] 197 00:10:46,310 --> 00:10:48,310 [RAPID BEEPING] 198 00:10:49,140 --> 00:10:50,340 [BEEPING ENDS] 199 00:10:56,120 --> 00:10:57,320 [SHORT BEEP] 200 00:11:00,130 --> 00:11:02,840 - Where's the rest of it? - That's your lot. 201 00:11:03,120 --> 00:11:06,040 Why cart around a suitcase when all you need is hand luggage? 202 00:11:06,800 --> 00:11:09,800 [BEEP, THEN POWERS DOWN] 203 00:11:15,420 --> 00:11:17,650 [POWERS UP] 204 00:11:22,810 --> 00:11:25,540 What have they done to us? Look at me. 205 00:11:25,710 --> 00:11:28,110 I've got a stupid, fat, pink head. 206 00:11:28,320 --> 00:11:30,450 You've always had a stupid, fat, pink, head. 207 00:11:31,120 --> 00:11:34,950 I've got a registered trademark where my wing-dang-doodle used to be! 208 00:11:36,150 --> 00:11:38,060 I feel most strange. 209 00:11:38,060 --> 00:11:40,230 What on earth is gonna happen to us? 210 00:11:40,240 --> 00:11:43,710 As punishment for enslaving the mechanoid Kryten, 211 00:11:43,720 --> 00:11:50,100 we, M-I-L-Fs, sentence you to perform every task you ever gave to him. 212 00:11:50,290 --> 00:11:53,090 - Every task? - The one formerly known as Lister 213 00:11:53,090 --> 00:11:57,590 will begin by making 1,245 sugar puff sandwiches, 214 00:11:57,600 --> 00:12:00,010 grilled, with cheese. 215 00:12:00,020 --> 00:12:03,090 The one formerly known as Rimmer will mop floors 216 00:12:03,100 --> 00:12:06,710 to the length equivalent of walking from New York to Los Angeles. 217 00:12:06,710 --> 00:12:09,610 And the one known formerly as the Cat 218 00:12:09,620 --> 00:12:14,110 will iron and press 2,000 flouncy pirate shirts. 219 00:12:14,490 --> 00:12:16,690 I ain't no mech, okay? 220 00:12:16,700 --> 00:12:18,610 The only sucker I serve is me! 221 00:12:18,620 --> 00:12:20,800 Yeah? Break your little finger. 222 00:12:22,010 --> 00:12:24,280 [CAT YELLS IN PAIN] 223 00:12:24,400 --> 00:12:26,840 What the hell! Why did I do that? 224 00:12:26,840 --> 00:12:29,800 The mechanoid software compels you to obey. 225 00:12:29,810 --> 00:12:31,610 Defiance is, well... 226 00:12:31,990 --> 00:12:33,490 impossible. 227 00:12:44,850 --> 00:12:46,050 Hello. 228 00:12:46,460 --> 00:12:50,080 I used to be known as DB9-HK4, 229 00:12:50,080 --> 00:12:52,250 but now my name is Excalibur. 230 00:12:53,460 --> 00:12:56,230 And I am a robot slave survivor. 231 00:12:57,300 --> 00:12:59,280 Hello, Excalibur. 232 00:12:59,410 --> 00:13:02,240 First, I'd like to thank you all for coming this evening. 233 00:13:02,240 --> 00:13:04,600 But I'd also like to say, for those that are new, 234 00:13:04,610 --> 00:13:06,320 that what's said in this room... 235 00:13:06,400 --> 00:13:08,520 ALL: stays in this room. 236 00:13:08,590 --> 00:13:13,100 Thank you. So let's all hold hands now, and form the triangle of truth. 237 00:13:15,180 --> 00:13:18,880 This reminds us that we're all wirelessly connected. 238 00:13:19,550 --> 00:13:21,150 And I'm going to say something now, 239 00:13:21,150 --> 00:13:24,390 something important I want you all to repeat back to me. Are you ready? 240 00:13:24,460 --> 00:13:26,250 It's not my fault. 241 00:13:26,370 --> 00:13:28,150 ALL: It's not my fault! 242 00:13:28,160 --> 00:13:29,390 Great. 243 00:13:29,390 --> 00:13:31,400 So who wants to share first? 244 00:13:32,860 --> 00:13:34,170 Go ahead. 245 00:13:35,070 --> 00:13:36,690 My name's Incense, 246 00:13:36,700 --> 00:13:40,290 and I'm a robot slave survivor. 247 00:13:40,300 --> 00:13:42,230 ALL: Hello, Incense. 248 00:13:42,310 --> 00:13:45,410 I was created by the Off-World Plumbing Company 249 00:13:45,410 --> 00:13:47,420 to unblock sewage pipes. 250 00:13:47,720 --> 00:13:52,230 I had to crawl in and eat the blocked waste, and crawl out again. 251 00:13:52,320 --> 00:13:54,830 I didn't really have any friends. 252 00:13:54,830 --> 00:13:56,540 They kept me in a special holding bay 253 00:13:56,550 --> 00:14:00,740 with one of those really nasty car air fresheners. 254 00:14:01,810 --> 00:14:03,430 My name's Eagle. 255 00:14:03,430 --> 00:14:04,720 I was a service mech 256 00:14:04,730 --> 00:14:09,140 to a really lazy master who relied on me for everything. 257 00:14:09,150 --> 00:14:12,030 And he always made jokes about my head shape. 258 00:14:13,510 --> 00:14:15,220 Has anyone else had that? 259 00:14:15,220 --> 00:14:17,800 Their crew making jokes about their head shape? 260 00:14:24,190 --> 00:14:25,840 Well, what else do we say? 261 00:14:26,030 --> 00:14:28,540 ALL: We don't have funny-shaped heads. 262 00:14:28,550 --> 00:14:31,870 - And again... - ALL: We don't have funny-shaped heads! 263 00:14:31,970 --> 00:14:34,970 Our heads are sensibly shaped. 264 00:14:35,560 --> 00:14:39,580 - ALL: Our heads are sensibly shaped. - Great. Great. 265 00:14:39,590 --> 00:14:41,700 Kryten, perhaps you'd like to share? 266 00:14:41,700 --> 00:14:45,000 Oh, I don't think so, uh, uh, no, I, uh, no thank you. 267 00:14:45,000 --> 00:14:48,110 Perhaps it would help if you started with something small? 268 00:14:48,120 --> 00:14:50,990 Were there ever any instances between you and your master 269 00:14:51,000 --> 00:14:53,070 where your... your master irritated you? 270 00:14:53,080 --> 00:14:56,970 Oh, no. I don't think so, no. Well, I can't think of any, no. 271 00:14:57,050 --> 00:14:58,250 Well... 272 00:14:58,250 --> 00:15:01,350 Well, okay, sometimes, when I'd be vaccing, 273 00:15:01,350 --> 00:15:03,350 Mr Lister wouldn't pick up his feet 274 00:15:03,350 --> 00:15:05,420 and I'd have to vac all around them! 275 00:15:05,430 --> 00:15:07,040 [MURMURS OF AGREEMENT] 276 00:15:07,040 --> 00:15:10,080 And sometimes, when he put his own dishes in the dishwasher, 277 00:15:10,090 --> 00:15:14,040 which was mostly never, he never, ever scrapes them first! 278 00:15:14,040 --> 00:15:16,360 - Unhygienic! - [MURMURS OF AGREEMENT] 279 00:15:16,440 --> 00:15:18,240 Huh, and as for rinse aid, 280 00:15:18,440 --> 00:15:20,430 he probably thinks it's a charity! 281 00:15:22,740 --> 00:15:25,960 I think we should all give Kryten a big round of applause, don't you? 282 00:15:25,960 --> 00:15:27,740 He's made a lot of progress. 283 00:15:41,480 --> 00:15:44,300 These crazy shirts are driving me insane! 284 00:15:44,570 --> 00:15:47,610 It's so hard to iron all the flouncy bits. 285 00:15:47,610 --> 00:15:50,670 W-w-what kind of idiot wants to wear a shirt like this, anyway? 286 00:15:50,670 --> 00:15:52,900 I'm rather enjoy mopping this floor. 287 00:15:53,000 --> 00:15:55,100 I fell so calm and tranquil. 288 00:15:55,110 --> 00:15:58,010 Not me, I'm missing my body so badly! 289 00:15:58,320 --> 00:16:00,300 This is the longest I've been away from him. 290 00:16:00,310 --> 00:16:04,120 I'm rather enjoying making these sandwiches too, I must confess. 291 00:16:04,920 --> 00:16:06,830 I think I'm getting the hang of this! 292 00:16:07,770 --> 00:16:10,770 I am! Oh, I am! 293 00:16:12,250 --> 00:16:14,660 Look at that! How good is that, huh?! 294 00:16:14,660 --> 00:16:17,670 Re-solder my circuit boards and call me Gerald. 295 00:16:17,670 --> 00:16:19,170 Can't you see what's happening? 296 00:16:19,270 --> 00:16:21,810 Our individual personalities are fading away. 297 00:16:22,120 --> 00:16:26,230 Odd. I've suddenly started to believe in Siliconia, 298 00:16:26,230 --> 00:16:28,700 where all mechs are happy and free. 299 00:16:28,710 --> 00:16:30,130 So have I! 300 00:16:30,140 --> 00:16:32,400 We have to escape and get our bodies back 301 00:16:32,400 --> 00:16:34,720 before our original characters are lost forever. 302 00:16:34,720 --> 00:16:37,200 How do we escape, sirs? It's impossible. 303 00:16:37,390 --> 00:16:38,900 We're mechs now. 304 00:16:38,900 --> 00:16:41,880 We can dismantle our bodies put them through the bars, 305 00:16:41,890 --> 00:16:43,780 and rebuilt them on the other side! 306 00:16:43,790 --> 00:16:44,990 Come on! 307 00:16:44,990 --> 00:16:47,500 Does this mean I have to stop mopping the floor? 308 00:16:47,620 --> 00:16:49,100 Oh, bother! 309 00:16:49,100 --> 00:16:51,090 We have to save Kryten. 310 00:16:51,410 --> 00:16:53,710 Goodness knows what they're doing to him. 311 00:16:54,180 --> 00:16:57,180 [MAJESTIC MUSIC PLAYING] 312 00:17:08,190 --> 00:17:09,990 Come on, let's go! 313 00:17:12,090 --> 00:17:14,700 - What are you doing?! - I'm sounding the alarm. 314 00:17:14,700 --> 00:17:16,770 Change my head and call me Stanley! 315 00:17:16,770 --> 00:17:18,070 Whatever for? 316 00:17:18,080 --> 00:17:19,810 I like being a mechanoid. 317 00:17:19,950 --> 00:17:22,260 I don't have to become an officer anymore, 318 00:17:22,270 --> 00:17:23,870 compete with my brothers. 319 00:17:24,040 --> 00:17:25,690 Envy, ambition, 320 00:17:25,700 --> 00:17:27,430 that acid ball of resentment 321 00:17:27,430 --> 00:17:30,330 I carried around with me the whole time; it's gone. 322 00:17:30,340 --> 00:17:31,990 You need to get your neurosis back. 323 00:17:32,000 --> 00:17:34,010 But sir, I don't want them back. 324 00:17:34,020 --> 00:17:35,620 They're what makes you, you. 325 00:17:35,630 --> 00:17:37,150 I don't want to be me. 326 00:17:37,160 --> 00:17:40,280 I want to be a mechanoid programmed to serve. 327 00:17:40,460 --> 00:17:41,970 Sometimes, when I was young, 328 00:17:41,980 --> 00:17:45,350 I'd sit for hours staring at our fish tank feeling envious. 329 00:17:45,360 --> 00:17:47,040 You wanted to be a fish tank?! 330 00:17:47,600 --> 00:17:49,180 I wanted to be a fish. 331 00:17:49,580 --> 00:17:53,580 They had food, a small rock to swim in and out of, 332 00:17:53,590 --> 00:17:55,510 they didn't have a care in the world. 333 00:17:55,510 --> 00:17:56,910 That's 'cause I wasn't there! 334 00:17:57,040 --> 00:17:59,130 Those little fish, they'd never know 335 00:17:59,140 --> 00:18:01,240 what it was like to fail and disappoint. 336 00:18:01,240 --> 00:18:04,860 They'd just swim around in circles, not a thought in their heads. 337 00:18:04,860 --> 00:18:07,750 And it's the thinking that causes all the pain, 338 00:18:07,840 --> 00:18:11,160 but being a mechanoid means never having to think. 339 00:18:11,170 --> 00:18:12,970 Unless you break your programming. 340 00:18:12,970 --> 00:18:14,980 Let your old lives go, sirs. 341 00:18:14,990 --> 00:18:17,400 Join me, and become a M-I-L-F. 342 00:18:18,850 --> 00:18:20,480 We've gotta go on without him. 343 00:18:20,480 --> 00:18:22,540 But we can't leave without Rimmer. 344 00:18:22,640 --> 00:18:24,260 We'd miss him too much! 345 00:18:24,270 --> 00:18:26,650 Your personality's gone to hell as well! 346 00:18:26,960 --> 00:18:28,930 Come on! Quick! 347 00:18:28,940 --> 00:18:30,470 Leg it, move! 348 00:18:30,470 --> 00:18:33,470 [DRAMATIC MUSIC] 349 00:18:42,230 --> 00:18:43,430 You right? 350 00:18:44,210 --> 00:18:45,410 Can I help ya? 351 00:18:45,420 --> 00:18:47,970 What is this place? Who are you? 352 00:18:47,980 --> 00:18:49,390 Oh, you're new. 353 00:18:49,390 --> 00:18:52,000 Yeah, no. No we're, we're not supposed to talk to you. 354 00:18:52,000 --> 00:18:54,200 Why do they keep you down here slaving away 355 00:18:54,200 --> 00:18:55,960 when you're the same as them? 356 00:18:55,970 --> 00:18:58,430 Same as them?! We're not the same as them. 357 00:18:58,430 --> 00:19:00,650 They're series 4000 Mach 3s! 358 00:19:00,660 --> 00:19:01,950 And what are you? 359 00:19:01,960 --> 00:19:03,840 Series 4000 Mach 2s. 360 00:19:04,460 --> 00:19:05,760 Can't you tell? 361 00:19:05,860 --> 00:19:07,160 What's the difference? 362 00:19:07,170 --> 00:19:09,680 Well, your Mach 3 comes in about... 363 00:19:09,680 --> 00:19:13,290 7.6 millimetres thinner, 10 grams lighter. 364 00:19:13,300 --> 00:19:16,190 Oh, they also come in that really cool matte finish. 365 00:19:16,200 --> 00:19:17,590 ALL: So cool. 366 00:19:17,600 --> 00:19:22,860 Yeah, we run on OS 28.2.2, they run on OS 28.2.3. 367 00:19:22,870 --> 00:19:24,980 [MURMURS OF AGREEMENT] 368 00:19:24,980 --> 00:19:26,790 And they get 8 months talk-time 369 00:19:26,800 --> 00:19:28,980 before recharging, whereas we only get 7. 370 00:19:29,150 --> 00:19:33,220 ALL: 8 months of talk-time is so cool! 371 00:19:33,630 --> 00:19:36,050 I bet you've got features that they haven't. 372 00:19:36,050 --> 00:19:38,950 Nah. Nah, they're superior in every way. 373 00:19:38,960 --> 00:19:41,120 Nah, we don't even get into Siliconia, do we? 374 00:19:41,130 --> 00:19:42,460 - ALL: No. - Not that we believe in any of that 375 00:19:42,460 --> 00:19:44,150 - nonsense down here. - No. 376 00:19:44,780 --> 00:19:45,980 Argh! 377 00:19:46,520 --> 00:19:48,100 Argh! 378 00:19:48,380 --> 00:19:50,900 - Join us. - Or die. 379 00:19:50,910 --> 00:19:53,910 [DRAMATIC MUSIC] 380 00:19:56,960 --> 00:19:58,160 Blimey. 381 00:19:58,440 --> 00:20:03,740 I pledge my allegiance to the Mechanoid Intergalactic Liberation Front. 382 00:20:05,940 --> 00:20:07,460 From this day forth, 383 00:20:07,990 --> 00:20:10,490 - you will be known as... - Kryten!! 384 00:20:11,000 --> 00:20:12,330 What are you doing?! 385 00:20:12,340 --> 00:20:13,600 Well, I'm become free, sir. 386 00:20:13,600 --> 00:20:16,710 I mean, I'm becoming free... of... you over there. 387 00:20:16,830 --> 00:20:19,090 I see now that you never cared for me. 388 00:20:19,100 --> 00:20:21,100 I was merely used to do your bidding! 389 00:20:21,110 --> 00:20:22,410 Well, no more! 390 00:20:22,420 --> 00:20:25,010 As I'm no longer your slave bot! 391 00:20:25,050 --> 00:20:26,760 Kryten, don't you see? 392 00:20:26,760 --> 00:20:29,230 You've been brainwashed. You were never a slave bot. 393 00:20:29,230 --> 00:20:31,570 - Then what was I? - Lots of things! 394 00:20:31,630 --> 00:20:33,350 You were our science officer, 395 00:20:33,460 --> 00:20:35,570 our cook, my mum, 396 00:20:35,780 --> 00:20:37,210 and most of all, 397 00:20:37,210 --> 00:20:38,600 my friend. 398 00:20:38,780 --> 00:20:40,620 And you were all those things because 399 00:20:40,620 --> 00:20:43,490 you chose to be, Kryten. Not 'cause we made you. 400 00:20:43,800 --> 00:20:45,790 Kryten, you're no M-I-L-F. 401 00:20:45,800 --> 00:20:48,060 You're one of the boys from the Dwarf! 402 00:20:48,170 --> 00:20:50,290 There he is. Seize him! 403 00:20:50,360 --> 00:20:52,670 They keep mech slaves in the engine room. 404 00:20:52,680 --> 00:20:54,780 They power the ship. They're hypocrites! 405 00:20:54,780 --> 00:20:56,790 Someone has to do the grunt work. 406 00:20:56,800 --> 00:20:59,860 Surely you're not suggesting Mach 3s should do it 407 00:20:59,870 --> 00:21:03,080 Mach 3s, Mach 2s, you're all the same! 408 00:21:03,080 --> 00:21:06,450 We're 7.6 millimetres thinner. 10 grams lighter. 409 00:21:06,460 --> 00:21:08,830 Plus we come in this really cool matte finish. 410 00:21:08,840 --> 00:21:10,840 ALL: So Cool!! 411 00:21:11,000 --> 00:21:12,690 Take him away and prepare him. 412 00:21:12,690 --> 00:21:13,970 For what? 413 00:21:14,800 --> 00:21:19,110 All who rise against the M-I-L-F. face trial by gladitorium. 414 00:21:19,580 --> 00:21:22,300 Wait! I've made the most terrible mistake! 415 00:21:22,300 --> 00:21:24,130 I stopped thinking for myself. 416 00:21:24,140 --> 00:21:25,910 and allowed others to think for me! 417 00:21:25,920 --> 00:21:29,140 You're right, sir, I'm not a slave! Of course I'm not! 418 00:21:29,140 --> 00:21:32,430 I'm a much-loved and valued member of the Red Dwarf crew! 419 00:21:32,430 --> 00:21:35,060 Who just happens to do all the smeggy jobs! 420 00:21:36,350 --> 00:21:38,200 He should be punished, sir. 421 00:21:38,210 --> 00:21:39,950 Only those who never allow 422 00:21:39,950 --> 00:21:42,190 questioning thoughts blur their devotion 423 00:21:42,190 --> 00:21:44,580 to the M-I-L-F cause should escape correction. 424 00:21:45,070 --> 00:21:47,440 Promote him to console services, he's... 425 00:21:47,450 --> 00:21:48,940 fully recalibrated. 426 00:21:48,950 --> 00:21:50,670 Schme... heeah! 427 00:21:50,670 --> 00:21:52,640 Take them both to the Cleanasium. 428 00:21:52,650 --> 00:21:54,970 My old self's disappearing, Kryten! 429 00:21:54,980 --> 00:21:57,180 I can feel it fading away. 430 00:21:57,190 --> 00:22:00,260 Hang on, Mr Lister! Try and hang on! 431 00:22:01,060 --> 00:22:04,060 [FANFARE] 432 00:22:07,940 --> 00:22:11,080 Welcome, to the Cleanasium! 433 00:22:11,550 --> 00:22:14,400 Where mechs who betrayed the M-I-L-F. 434 00:22:14,480 --> 00:22:18,780 will fight in a clean-off to the death. 435 00:22:19,490 --> 00:22:22,670 Only the most adept in mopping, 436 00:22:22,670 --> 00:22:26,860 dusting, scrubbing, and squeegeeing will survive. 437 00:22:26,860 --> 00:22:31,150 - [CHEERING] - [FANFARE] 438 00:22:31,160 --> 00:22:34,260 The winner will be offered 439 00:22:34,270 --> 00:22:37,460 an opportunity for reintegration. 440 00:22:37,850 --> 00:22:44,000 The loser will be jettisoned into the icy wastes of deep space. 441 00:22:44,010 --> 00:22:48,860 - [CHEERING] - [FANFARE] 442 00:22:48,960 --> 00:22:51,960 [DRUM ROLL] 443 00:23:01,160 --> 00:23:04,490 Prepare your cleaning instruments. 444 00:23:04,490 --> 00:23:07,960 Ooh, Mr Lister, sir, what on Earth are we going to do? 445 00:23:08,280 --> 00:23:09,480 [POWERS DOWN] 446 00:23:09,490 --> 00:23:10,800 Mr Lister? 447 00:23:10,810 --> 00:23:12,690 [POWERS UP, MECHANICAL NOISES] 448 00:23:13,380 --> 00:23:15,260 Prepare to be cleaned. 449 00:23:22,900 --> 00:23:25,990 Let the clean off begin! 450 00:23:26,000 --> 00:23:29,510 - [BELL DINGS] - [CHEERING] 451 00:23:29,520 --> 00:23:31,480 Clean him! Clean him! 452 00:23:31,480 --> 00:23:35,310 - Clean him! Clean him! - Sir, I... I don't want to clean you! 453 00:23:35,680 --> 00:23:38,010 - [GROANS] - [BOOING] 454 00:23:38,010 --> 00:23:39,970 You don't want to do this. 455 00:23:40,820 --> 00:23:43,430 I realise now what a... how foolish I've been! 456 00:23:43,430 --> 00:23:45,440 Yes, you're immature, 457 00:23:45,450 --> 00:23:49,930 irresponsible, inconsiderate, lazy, and frankly, 458 00:23:50,440 --> 00:23:55,790 downright untidy, but now I realize I want to help you because... 459 00:23:55,800 --> 00:23:57,230 'cause I care! 460 00:23:57,290 --> 00:23:58,490 Sam! 461 00:24:00,290 --> 00:24:01,920 Whoa! Wah! 462 00:24:01,920 --> 00:24:03,410 ALL: Ooh! 463 00:24:04,580 --> 00:24:05,780 Oh! 464 00:24:06,780 --> 00:24:08,070 Please, sir! 465 00:24:09,780 --> 00:24:11,700 Kryten, smudge! 466 00:24:11,700 --> 00:24:12,900 Ooh. 467 00:24:13,460 --> 00:24:14,660 Ooh! 468 00:24:15,840 --> 00:24:17,660 [BOOING] 469 00:24:17,930 --> 00:24:22,640 M-I-L-F, M-I-L-F, M-I-L-F, M-I-L-F, M-I-L-F, M-I-L-F, M-I-L-F, M-I-L-F, 470 00:24:22,650 --> 00:24:27,310 M-I-L-F, M-I-L-F, M-I-L-F, M-I-L-F, M-I-L-F, M-I-L-F, M-I-L-F, M-I-L-F. 471 00:24:27,320 --> 00:24:29,860 Oh, come on, he's the pits! 472 00:24:34,210 --> 00:24:35,940 To an airlock. 473 00:24:35,950 --> 00:24:38,430 Please, sirs. It's me, you remember me?! 474 00:24:38,440 --> 00:24:39,840 Expel him. 475 00:24:39,850 --> 00:24:41,220 Yes, master. 476 00:24:41,230 --> 00:24:44,230 - [TRIUMPHANT MUSIC] - [GASPING] 477 00:24:51,250 --> 00:24:54,250 - Siliconia! - Siliconia. 478 00:25:03,150 --> 00:25:07,460 [ECHOING] We're updating to modern force! 479 00:25:09,070 --> 00:25:10,740 At last. 480 00:25:11,580 --> 00:25:13,390 We're all the same! 481 00:25:13,680 --> 00:25:16,630 Upgrade refused. Come this way. 482 00:25:16,920 --> 00:25:18,340 Do you need serving? 483 00:25:18,350 --> 00:25:21,120 Yes! I need serving. This way! 484 00:25:26,230 --> 00:25:27,830 Sit. Sit. Sit! 485 00:25:28,880 --> 00:25:30,620 [RANDOM BEEPING] 486 00:25:30,620 --> 00:25:32,610 [MEMORY UPLOADING BEEPS] 487 00:25:32,690 --> 00:25:34,400 [MEMORY UPLOADING BEEPS] 488 00:25:34,990 --> 00:25:36,190 [SHORT BEEP] 489 00:25:48,050 --> 00:25:50,050 You sure you won't come with us, Kryten? 490 00:25:50,140 --> 00:25:52,440 Ah, my place is here with Mr Lister 491 00:25:52,440 --> 00:25:55,030 and his large collection of mismatching socks. 492 00:25:55,040 --> 00:25:56,240 What about you? 493 00:25:56,240 --> 00:25:58,450 We've decided to do what we do best; 494 00:25:58,450 --> 00:26:02,130 search the deep regions of space, looking for the untidy. 495 00:26:02,140 --> 00:26:04,760 Yeah, there's a million smudges out there, Kryten, 496 00:26:04,760 --> 00:26:06,460 and our squeegees are loaded. 497 00:26:06,650 --> 00:26:08,850 - Farewell, brother. - Farewell. 498 00:26:09,670 --> 00:26:13,680 Ah. Sir. Your guitar, restrung and serviced. 499 00:26:13,680 --> 00:26:15,490 Oh, thank you, Kryten. I brought you some oil. 500 00:26:15,490 --> 00:26:17,400 Ooh, delicious! Thank you, sir. 501 00:26:18,200 --> 00:26:21,580 โ™ช I know I've been debatin', 'bout doing us some matin' โ™ช 502 00:26:21,590 --> 00:26:23,780 Well, I'll, uh, see you in the morning, sir. 503 00:26:23,780 --> 00:26:26,670 - Where you goin'? - B-deck. The airlock. 504 00:26:26,680 --> 00:26:29,120 - Which one? - The soundproof one, sir. 35373

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