Original subtitles

♪

♪ JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE

♪

>> Jimmy: HELLO. I AM JIMMY.

WELCOME TO MY HOME, MY WORKPLACE, MY GYM, MY

RESTAURANT, MY LITTLE PONY. WHATEVER YOU NEED, WE HAVE IT

ALL.

WE ARE NOW IN THE FOURTH MONTH OF QUARANTINE, WHICH IS CRAZY.

BUT LIFE IS SLOWLY COMING BACK. ON FRIDAY IN L. A., THEY OPENED

MUSEUMS AND GYMS. WHICH MAKES NO SENSE TO ME.

FIRST OF ALL, WHO NEEDS TO GO TO A MUSEUM?

IF I DON'T SEE A WOOLLY MAMMOTH

STATUE STUCK IN SLUDGE, AM I GONNA GO NUTS?

AND SECONDLY WHO WOULD GO TO THE GYM NOW?

I'M NOT GOING TO THE GYM DURING A PANDEMIC. OR AFTER A PANDEMIC.

I'M JUST NOT GOING TO THE GYM EVER AGAIN.

DONALD TRUMP HAD QUITE A WEEKEND.

HE PUT ON A BIGLY PRESENTATION AT WEST POINT ON SATURDAY, WHERE

HE SHOWED UP TO GIVE A COMMENCEMENT SPEECH WHETHER THE

GRADUATES WANTED IT OR NOT. THE CADETS AT WEST POINT WERE

SENT HOME IN MARCH BECAUSE OF THE VIRUS.

BUT THEN TRUMP DECIDED HE WANTED TO GIVE A SPEECH IN PERSON AND

SO ALL THE CADETS WERE ORDERED TO RETURN TO CAMPUS AND STAY IN

QUARANTINE FOR TWO WEEKS. THEY WERE LITERALLY A CAPTIVE

AUDIENCE. SO OUR COMMANDER IN BEEF COULD

PRETEND HE'S IN CHARGE OF THE MILITARY.

AND OF COURSE SOME OF THE CADETS WOUND UP TESTING POSITIVE FOR

THE VIRUS, BUT WHAT IS MOST IMPORTANT IS THAT DONALD TRUMP

HAD AN AUDIENCE FOR WHAT TURNED OUT TO BE A HISTORIC SPEECH.

NO PRESIDENT IN THE HISTORY OF THIS COUNTRY HAS EVER TAKEN A

WEIRDER DRINK OF WATER THAN THIS.

[ APPLAUSE ]

IS THAT ONE OF THE SIDE EFFECTS OF HYDROXY?

WHAT IS UP WITH HIS HAND? DID HE HURT IT HOLDING THE BIBLE

UPSIDE‐DOWN? LET'S LOOK AT THAT AGAIN.

BECAUSE THERE IS CLEARLY SOMETHING GOING ON WITH HIS

RIGHT ARM. IT'S WEAK. AND THIS IS NOT THE FIRST TIME

WE'VE SEEN THIS.

THIS IS FROM NOVEMBER OF 2017, HE OPENED THE BOTTLE BUT NEEDED

TWO HANDS TO DRINK IT.

AND THIS ONE, HE'S LIKE A WITCH

SIPPING OUT OF A GOBLET OF TOADSTOOLS.

AND HE HAD ANOTHER WEIRD MOVE ON MEMORIAL DAY.

HE FOLDS HIS ARMS AND THEN GIVES HIS RIGHT ARM A WEAK SHAKE.

IS POSSIBLE THAT, LIKE MANY FORMER MEMBERS OF HIS STAFF, HIS

ARM JUST DOESN'T WANT TO WORK WITH HIM ANYMORE?

HIS ARM IS LIKE, "LISTEN, YOU USED ME TO GRAB WOMEN, TO TWEET

LIES, TO SHOVEL McNUGGETS INTO THAT BLOAT HOLE, TO SHARPIE A

HURRICANE, I'VE HAD ENOUGH. I QUIT.

I'M JOINING MY FRIEND PENIS AND GOING LIMP."

REMEMBER WHEN TRUMP MADE FUN OF MARCO RUBIO DRINKING WATER?

>> IT'S RUBIO!

>> Jimmy: OH, HE'S SO TALENTED. THAT IS FROM THE SPRAY TAN

COLLAR COMEDY TOUR. AND THEN AS IF THE WATER THING

WASN'T WEIRD ENOUGH, HE TOOK A VERY STRANGE WALK DOWN A RAMP,

DID YOU SEE THIS? SHOW THAT CLIP.

♪

NO, THAT'S ‐‐ I THINK THAT'S THE WRONG CLIP.

NO, I NEED THE CLIP OF THE PRESIDENT FROM WEST POINT ON

SATURDAY. THIS WAS A BIG TOPIC ONLINE THIS

WEEKEND.

SO AFTER HIS SPEECH, HE SHAKES

HANDS WITH THE LIEUTENANT GENERAL, GIVES HIM A

WAVE AND THEN DOWN HE GOES. SLOWLY TIPPY‐TAPPING DOWN THE

RAMP. VERY TENTATIVELY. LIKE HE'S WALKING ON SHARP ROCKS.

MAYBE THE BONE SPURS ARE ACTING UP?

EVERYONE WAS WONDERING WHAT WAS GOING ON.

WE FOUND OUT, IT TURNS OUT HE STILL HAD HIS CLOWN SHOES ON.

THAT WAS WEIRD, RIGHT? WE CAN ONLY HOPE HE STEPS DOWN

THAT GRACEFULLY AFTER NOVEMBER.

SO THEY POST THE VIDEO AND EVERYONE GOES NUTS AND OUR

UNSTABLE GENIUS CAN'T TAKE IT. INSTEAD OF JUST LETTING IT GO,

RAMPLESTILTSKIN TWEETS, "THE RAMP THAT I DESCENDED AFTER MY

WEST POINT COMMENCEMENT SPEECH WAS VERY LONG AND STEEP, HAD NO

HANDRAIL AND, MOST IMPORTANTLY, WAS VERY SLIPPERY.

THE LAST THING I WAS GOING TO DO IS FALL FOR THE FAKE NEWS TO

HAVE FUN WITH. FINAL TEN FEET I RAN DOWN TO

LEVEL GROUND. MOMENTUM." FINAL TEN FEET, HE RAN DOWN?

NO, HE DID NOT. AND THE IDEA THAT THE RAMP WAS

SLIPPERY SEEMS SUSPECT CONSIDERING THERE WAS NOT A

CLOUD IN THE SKY. MAYBE SOME CURLY FRIES FELL OUT

OF HIS POCKET ON THE WAY UP? TRUMP IS VERY DEFENSIVE ABOUT

ANYTHING THAT MAKES HIM LOOK WEAK.

HE DOESN'T WEAR A MASK, HE'S TOO STRONG TO GET CORONAVIRUS.

"I WASN'T IN THE BUNKER FOR PROTECTION, I WAS INSPECTING IT."

"I WASN'T SHUFFLING DOWN THAT RAMP LIKE AN OLD MAN, IT WAS

SLIPPERY AND I RAN DOWN IT. ALSO THE RAMP WAS COVERED IN

BANANA PEELS AND THERE WERE MANY SNAKES.

I AM BRAVER THAN EVERY SOLDIER." WE WROTE THAT, BUT IT ISN'T OUT

OF THE REALM OF POSSIBILITY. AND BY THE WAY, FOR ALL THE FUN

DONALD MAKES OF HIM, THIS WAS JOE BIDEN GOING UP THAT SAME

RAMP AT WEST POINT IN 2016. AT THE TIME BIDEN WAS 73, WHICH

IS THE SAME AGE TRUMP WAS ON SATURDAY.

SO SLOW AND SLEEPY WINS THE RACE.

TRUMP IS NOW 74 YEARS OLD BECAUSE HE HAD A BIRTHDAY

SUNDAY, WHICH IS SOMETHING HE OF COURSE COULDN'T HELP BUT MENTION

IN HIS SPEECH.

>> TOMORROW, AMERICA WILL CELEBRATE A VERY IMPORTANT

ANNIVERSARY. THE 245th BIRTHDAY OF THE UNITED

STATES ARMY. UNRELATED, GOING TO BE MY

BIRTHDAY ALSO. I DON'T KNOW IF THAT HAPPENED BY

ACCIDENT. DID THAT HAPPEN BY ACCIDENT,

PLEASE?

>> Jimmy: YES, IT DID. BY THE WAY, JUNE 14th WAS ALSO

THE DATE THE FIRST MONKEY WAS LAUNCHED INTO SPACE.

JUNE 14th, 1949. THAT WAS NOT A COINCIDENCE.

BUT ON SUNDAY DONALD TRUMP TURNED 74.

74 YEARS AGO YESTERDAY, ROSEMARY HAD A BABY.

AND THAT LITTLE BABY GREW INTO A BIGGER BABY.

AND NOW THAT BIG OLD BABY IS OUR PRESIDENT.

HERE IN L. A., WE CELEBRATED HIS BIRTHDAY EXACTLY THE WAY

TRUMP WOULD HAVE WANTED US TO. WE HAD AN ALL BLACK LIVES MATTER

PRIDE MARCH. BUT IN FLORIDA AND SAN DIEGO,

THEY TOOK TO THE SEA, CELEBRATING WITH A PARADE OF

BOATS. STATUES OF DONALD TRUMP, DONALD

TRUMP BLOW‐UP DOLLS. NOT INTENDED TO BE USED AS A

FLOTATION DEVICE. WHERE'S THAT SHARKNADO WHEN YOU

NEED IT?

TRUMP'S FAMILY WENT ALL OUT FOR DADDY'S BIG DAY, TOO.

HE GOT A CARD FROM HIS DAUGHTER, THANK YOU FOR EVERY JOB I'VE

EVER HAD. JARED SAID, I'M A MANNEQUIN

STANDING IN FRONT OF AN ORANGUTAN.

HERE'S ONE FROM MELANIA, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO BEST HUSBAND, GET

AWAY. FROM IS SENATE, DEAR MR. PRESIDENT, HAPPY BIRTHDAY FROM

THE BOTTOM OF MY POUCH, MITCH. AND FROM HIS PREDECESSOR,

THERE'S A TERM FOR GUYS LIKE YOU. BUT NOT TWO TERMS.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BARACK OBAMA.

AND FROM ANOTHER RIVAL, MITT

ROMNEY. AND FROM JOE BIDEN, HERE'S THE

DEAL, JACK, I'M GOING TO CLEAN YOUR CLOCK IN NOVEMBER.

JOE BIDEN. P.S., WHERE TO PUT MY TEETH?

AND THIS ONE, DADS LIKE YOU ARE AN ENDANGERED SPECIES, BUT WE

PROMISE NOT TO SHOOT. ERIC AND DON JR.

AND FROM TIFFANY, HERE'S MY ROUTING NUMBER.

AND FINALLY, TRUMP'S MOST LOYAL ADMIRER SAID, HOPE YOU HAVE A

BALL ON YOUR BIRTHDAY. YOU ALREADY HAVE BOTH OF MINE.

WOOF, WOOF. MIKE PENCE. THAT'S NICE.

WE NEED TO TAKE A BREAK. WHEN WE COME BACK, THE VERY

FUNNY BILL BURR WILL JOIN US. SO STICK AROUND.

>> Jimmy: WELCOME BACK TO "JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE FROM MY

HOUSE." TOMORROW NIGHT, THE INCREDIBLE

HULK, MARK RUFFALO, WILL BE WITH US. WE WILL HONOR A HEALTH CARE

HERO. AND LATER THIS WEEK, SARAH PAULSON, JEFFREY ROSS, AND

PHARRELL WILLIAMS. OUR GUEST TONIGHT IS ONE OF THE

FUNNIEST GUYS THERE IS. HE'S GOT AN ANIMATED SHOW,

"F IS FOR FAMILY" ON NETFLIX, LISTEN TO HIS PODCAST, AND SEE

HIM WOO MARISA TOMEI IN THE NEW JUDD APATOW MOVIE, "THE KING OF

STATEN ISLAND" AVAILABLE NOW ON VOD.

HELLO, BILL BURR, HOW ARE YOU DOING?

>> WHAT'S GOING ON, JIMMY?

>> Jimmy: OH, YOU KNOW.

>> JUST SITTING IN THE HOUSE?

>> Jimmy: I ADMIRE THE FACT THAT YOU'VE CHOSEN TO WEAR THE GIANT,

OLD‐TIMEY HEADPHONES AND NOT THE LITTLE ONES.

>> I HATE THOSE, MY EARS ARE MESSED UP FROM PLAYING DRUMS.

I GOT THESE AT A RADIO SHACK OR BEST BUY.

AM I SUPPOSED TO HAVE THE LITTLE STRAWS THAT PEOPLE HAVE COMING

OUT? I WOULD LOSE THOSE IN A SECOND.

>> Jimmy: BY THE WAY, I WANT TO MENTION, BECAUSE YOU ‐‐ I DROVE

BY YOUR HOUSE A FEW MONTHS AGO AT THE BEGINNING OF THIS

QUARANTINE. AT THE TIME, YOU SAID YOU

WEREN'T MISSING DOING STAND‐UP. HOW ARE YOU FEELING THREE MONTHS

LATER?

>> NOW I MISS IT. I THINK I MISSED IT THEN, I

WASN'T IN TOUCH WITH IT. IT WAS LIKE I GOT DUMPED.

I DON'T CARE, I DON'T NEED STAND‐UP ANYWAY.

NOW, I DON'T KNOW.

>> Jimmy: YOU PROBABLY WOULD HAVE BEEN HOME BECAUSE YOUR WIFE

HAD A BABY.

>> YES, I HAVE A DUAUGHTER AND SON NOW. IT'S AWESOME.

AND FORTUNATELY, HE SEEMED TO BE EMOTIONALLY WIRED LIKE MY WIFE.

HE'S TOTALLY CHILL. HE JUST CRIES WHEN HE IS HUNGRY.

>> Jimmy: MY BILLY SEEMED CHILL, NOW HE SEEMS LIKE A FULL‐FLEDGED

MANIAC.

>> THAT'S WHAT PARENTS DO. MY DAUGHTER IS CHILL, THEY GO,

YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS. THEY TAKE OUT THE WARM GOAT'S

MILK, START LOOKING AT THE STARS, AND ALWAYS PREDICT

SOMETHING HORRIBLE WILL HAPPEN. AND WHATEVER AGE THEIR KID IS,

IF YOUR KID IS YOUNGER, IT'S LIKE, OH, YOU ARE AT 17 WEEKS?

WAIT UNTIL 18 WEEKS. YOU EVER THINK MAYBE YOU SUCK AT

BEING A PARENT? OR MAYBE THE DNA ‐‐

>> Jimmy: NO.

>> MAYBE YOU MADE A LITTLE SERIAL KILLER.

MAYBE THAT'S WHAT YOU DID. I BET JEFFREY DAHMER'S PARENTS

ARE LIKE, WAIT UNTIL HE DISCOVERS ANIMALS.

IT'S LIKE, THEY DIDN'T REALIZE JEFFREY WOULD EAT PEOPLE SOMEDAY.

>> Jimmy: YOU MIGHT HAVE A POINT. HE'S NOT EATING PEOPLE.

>> I DEFINITELY HAVE A POINT. I DEFINITELY HAVE A POINT.

PEOPLE ALWAYS TRYING TO GET,

ALSO, IF YOU HAVE AN INTERRACIAL KID, PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS TRYING TO

GUESS. IT'S EITHER GOING TO BE REALLY

GOOD‐LOOKING OR REALLY WEIRD‐LOOKING.

DUDE, LOOK AROUND, MOST PEOPLE ARE WEIRD‐LOOKING.

LOOK AT ME, I'M 100% WHITE DUDE. I'M A WEIRD‐LOOKING DUDE.

THE BEST DOGS ARE MIXED DOGS. THEY'RE THE CHILLEST.

>> Jimmy: YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT ON THAT.

>> THAT'S WHY IN ENGLAND, THE ROYAL FAMILY, THAT'S WHY THEY'RE

ALL WEIRD‐LOOKING. THEY'RE LIKE A BUNCH OF

DALMATIANS THAT CAN TALK.

>> Jimmy: THAT'S RIGHT.

>> THAT ARE PUREBRED LUNATICS.

>> Jimmy: I WANT TO ASK YOU ABOUT DALMATIANS.

BECAUSE YOU PLAY A FIREFIGHTER IN "THE KING OF STATEN ISLAND."

I'M ASSUMING YOU DID SOME TRAINING OR A RIDEALONG.

>> I DID THE ACTOR VERSION. ABOUT FOUR HOURS, BOTTLES OF

WATER, LITTLE FANS. THE ISLAND JUST NORTH OF

ROOSEVELT ISLAND WHERE THEY TRAIN THEM, I FORGET THE NAME.

WE WENT INTO A BUILDING, HAD TO GO IN TWICE, ONCE TO FIGHT THE

FIRE, ANOTHER TIME TO CRAWL THROUGH A SMOKY ROOM.

WE WORE THE GEAR, AND JUST GOING UP A FLIGHT OF STAIRS, I FELT

LIKE I WAS IN "MY 600‐POUND

LIFE." MY HEART WAS COMING OUT OF MY

CHEST. BUT WHEN WE DID THE MOVIE, THEY

DID THE ACTOR VERSION OF THE SUIT, THEY TOOK THE OXYGEN OUT

OF THE TANK, THAT'S SEVEN, EIGHT POUNDS OFF YOUR BACK.

I THINK I HAD A JOHN BARBADOS FIREMAN JACKET ON OR SOMETHING.

THERE WAS CRAFT SERVICE, WE COULD TAKE A BREAK WHENEVER WE

WANTED TO. AND JUDD WAS ALSO, HE UNDERSTOOD

IT WAS THE LAST WEEK OF JULY, IT WAS HOT AS HELL IN THE BRONX.

HE MADE SURE TO KEEP IT MOVING, GETTING PEOPLE IN AND OUT.

>> Jimmy: YOU DID A GREAT JOB IN THE MOVIE, AND YOU HAVE A

FANTASTIC MUSTACHE. IT'S ALMOST YOSEMITE SAM‐ESQUE.

IS THAT REAL, IS THAT YOUR OWN HAIR?

>> YES, IT IS.

>> Jimmy: GOOD STUFF.

>> YOU JUST TOLD ME TO STOP SHAVING.

WE STARTED SHOOTING IN JUNE, THAT'S LIKE TWO MONTHS.

BUT WHEN IT WAS A BEARD, I LOOKED LIKE A HIPSTER.

I HAD A CLEAN‐SHAVED HEAD, AND

THIS SCRAGGLY‐LOOKING THING.

>> Jimmy: IF YOU WERE MAKING ME AN ESPRESSO ‐‐

>> I KIND OF LOOKED LIKE I WAS IN THE GAY S AND M STUFF.

AND JUNE IS PRIDE MONTH IN NEW YORK CITY.

>> Jimmy: RIGHT.

>> THERE WAS AN EXTRA AMOUNT OF GAY GUYS IN THERE.

BUT I DIDN'T GET ONE LOOK. I GOT NOTHING.

I'M OFFICIALLY ‐‐ I'M OLD TO EVERYBODY NOW.

>> Jimmy: WE'RE GOING TO TURN THAT AROUND.

WE'RE GOING TO TAKE A BREAK. BILL BURR IS WITH US FROM "THE

♪

>> Jimmy: WELCOME BACK TO "JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE FROM MY

HOUSE." BILL BURR IS WITH US FROM HIS

HOUSE. HE HAS A NEW BABY AT HOME. WERE YOU IN THE DELIVERY ROOM,

OR BECAUSE OF COVID ARE THEY NOT ALLOWING THAT?

>> IT WAS LIKE A BRONX TALE. ONCE YOU GO IN, YOU CAN'T LEAVE.

>> Jimmy: WERE YOU OF ANY HELP?

>> NO, AND I SHOULDN'T BE, BECAUSE I'M NOT A DOCTOR.

WHEN YOU GO TO JIFFY LUBE, ARE YOU OF ANY HELP?

THAT'S NOT MY JOB, I GOT HER THERE BEFORE SHE HAD THE KID,

AND I PAY THE BILLS. SO YES, I WAS OF HELP.

>> Jimmy: YOUR SHOW, "F IS FOR FAMILY," YOU HAVE MIKE

FROM "BREAKING BAD."

>> JONATHAN BANKS. HE AND MY FAMILY WERE HUGE FANS

OF HIM ALL THE WAY BACK TO "BEVERLY HILLS COP," HE WAS

THE HEAVY THAT SHAKES DOWN AXEL FOLEY.

HE SHAKES DOWN AXEL'S FRIEND. HEY, MIKEY. DID YOU GET LOST?

>> Jimmy: I DIDN'T REALIZE THAT.

>> IN MY HOUSE, THAT WAS A CATCH PHRASE.

IF YOU WERE LATE FOR DINNER, WHAT HAPPENED, MIKEY, DID YOU

GET LOST? THAT MEANT YOU WERE IN TROUBLE.

HE WAS SO COOL TO MEET, GOT TO KNOW HIM. JUST A GREAT GUY.

AND NOW HE'S DOING THE CARTOON.

>> Jimmy: EACH NIGHT WE HAVE A CHARITY.

YOU CHOSE ST. JUDE'S RESEARCH HOSPITAL.

A GREAT ORGANIZATION, THEY DO SO MANY GREAT THINGS FOR CHILDREN

AND FAMILIES WHO NEED IT.

I'M GOING TO MAKE A DONATION IN

YOUR HONOR. BILL BURR, "KING OF STATEN

ISLAND," "F IS FOR FAMILY," AND A VERY FUNNY PODCAST.

THANK YOU, AND CONGRATULATIONS ON THE BABY.

>> THANK YOU.

♪

>> Jimmy: WELCOME BACK TO "JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE FROM MY

HOUSE." YOU KNOW, BEING A DAD ISN'T AN

EASY JOB, ESPECIALLY THESE DAYS. SO THE FOLKS AT PLANTERS PEANUTS

WANT TO REMIND FATHERS EVERYWHERE THAT THEIR KIDS ARE

NUTS ABOUT THEM.

>> FATHERHOOD IS WONDERFUL. BUT IT'S EXHAUSTING.

WE DO SO MUCH FOR OUR KIDS, TEACH THEM TO RIDE A BIKE,

TELLING THEM ABOUT BEES AND BIRDS. EVEN HOSTING A HOMESCHOOL

GRADUATION CEREMONY.

♪

WELCOME TO SECOND GRADE, CLASS OF 2020. YOU DID IT.

GIVE YOURSELF A BIG HAND. AND I'M GOING TO GIVE MYSELF A

BIG HAND. A HANDFUL OF PLANTERS NUTS TO

HELP ME KEEP GOING. SPEAKING OF PLANTERS, PLEASE

WELCOME YOUR GRADUATION SPEAKER, BABY NUT.

>> BENJY, YOU ARE THE FUTURE. BELIEVE IN YOURSELF.

LIVE YOUR DREAMS. AND FINALLY, GO NUTS.

>> THANK YOU, BABY NUT. NOW, LET'S GET THIS DANCE PARTY

STARTED.

♪

>> PLANTERS WANTS TO WISH YOU A HAPPY FATHER'S DAY.

SHARE YOUR FAVORITE STORIES USING #NUTSABOUTDAD.

>> Jimmy: THAT IS ALL THE TIME WE HAVE.

I'D LIKE TO THANK BILL BURR AND APOLOGIZE TO MATT DAMON.

MARK RUFFALO WILL BE WITH US TOMORROW. "NIGHTLINE" IS NEXT.

AND IF YOU NEED ME, I'LL BE RIGHT HERE, WATCHING YOU SLEEP.

♪

♪