Original subtitles

♪ BA, DA, BA,

♪ BA, DA, BA,

♪ BA, DA, BA,

♪ JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE

THIS IS RIDICULOUS. FROM HIS HOUSE.

>> Jimmy: HI THERE, YOU. IT'S ME, JIMMY, IN MY HOUSE

AGAIN. WHICH IS NOW KIND OF "OUR" HOUSE.

BUT DON'T COME TRY TO LIVE IN IT. THE NBA SEEMS READY TO GET BACK

TO WORK. YESTERDAY, THE LEAGUE PROPOSED

113 PAGES WORTH OF SAFETY RULES AND PROCEDURES FOR THE REST OF

THE SEASON. FIRST OF ALL, ALL THE GAMES WILL

BE PLAYED AT DISNEY WORLD, WHICH RIGHT OFF THE BAT SEEMS LIKE THE

LEAST SAFE PLACE TO BE DURING A PETER PAN‐DEMIC.

BUT THEY HAVE A LOT OF PRECAUTIONS IN PLACE.

THE PLAYERS WILL BE HOUSED TOGETHER.

THEY WILL QUARANTINE AHEAD OF TIME AND BE TESTED EVERY DAY.

PLAYERS WILL BE DISCOURAGED FROM LICKING THEIR FINGERS AND

CLEARING THEIR NOSES ON THE COURT.

WERE THEY ENCOURAGED TO DO THAT BEFORE THIS?

PLAYERS WILL BE REQUIRED TO SHOWER IN THEIR HOTEL ROOMS

INSTEAD OF THE LOCKER ROOM. THAT'S ‐‐ I MEAN, I DON'T THINK

IT'S EVEN WORTH PLAYING BASKETBALL IF YOU CAN'T CAP IT

OFF BY SCRUBBING UP WITH THE TEAM LOOFA!

AND ALSO, NO ONE WILL BE ALLOWED TO TOUCH THE BALL.

SO THAT SOUNDS DOABLE! MEANWHILE, OUR BASKETBALL‐HEAD

PRESIDENT IS ABOUT TO GO BACK ON THE ROAD, BUT FIRST HE IS

FENDING OFF ANOTHER ROUND OF TELL‐ALL BOOKS.

TRUMP IS SAID TO BE PLANNING TO FILE A LAWSUIT AGAINST HIS

NIECE, MARY TRUMP, OVER A FORTHCOMING MEMOIR THAT

REPORTEDLY DOES NOT PAINT UNCLE DONNY IN A POSITIVE LIGHT.

THIS IS THE BOOK. IT'S CALLED "TOO MUCH AND NEVER

ENOUGH: HOW MY FAMILY CREATED THE WORLD'S MOST DANGEROUS MAN."

WHICH IS A LOT LONGER THAN THE ORIGINAL TITLE, WHICH WAS "MY

UNCLE IS A DICK." TRUMP CLAIMS HIS NIECE'S BOOK

WOULD VIOLATE THE TERMS OF A NON‐DISCLOSURE AGREEMENT HE HAD

HER SIGN IN 2001. IMAGINE HAVING AN NDA WITH YOUR

NIECE. THAT'S REALLY ALL YOU NEED TO

KNOW ABOUT SOMEONE. THE OTHER BOOK HE WOULD VERY

MUCH LIKE TO KEEP FROM COMING OUT IS FROM A MEMBER OF HIS

INNER CIRCLE, FORMER NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISOR, JOHN BOLTON.

WE GOT A FEW McNUGGETS TODAY AND AMONG MANY UNBELIEVABLE

CLAIMS IN THE BOOK, BOLTON WRITES THAT TRUMP SAID

JOURNALISTS SHOULD BE EXECUTED. THAT HE DIDN'T KNOW BRITAIN WAS

A NUCLEAR POWER, THAT HE ASKED IF FINLAND WAS PART OF RUSSIA,

HE BEGGED THE CHINESE TO HELP HIM WITH THE ELECTION, AND HAS A

PENIS THAT LOOKS LIKE A MUSHROOM. THOUGH I MAY HAVE PICKED THAT U

THING UP FROM THE STORMY DANIELS BOOK.

CAN YOU IMAGINE THE PRESIDENT ASKING IF FINLAND IS PART OF

RUSSIA? HE'S THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED

STATES! THAT'S LIKE YOUR MECHANIC ASKING

IF THE MUFFLER IS PART OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT.

MEANWHILE, REMEMBER WHEN TRUMP WAS PUSHING HYDROXYCHLOROQUINE

AS A CORONAVIRUS MIRACLE DRUG? WELL, THE FDA THIS WEEK WITHDREW

THEIR SUPPORT FOR IT, AND NOW THE GOVERNMENT IS STUCK WITH

66 MILLION USELESS DOSES. SO I GUESS WE KNOW WHAT THE

TRUMPS WILL BE GIVING TRICK OR TREATERS ON HALLOWEEN.

FOR THE NEXT 30 YEARS. CASES OF THE VIRUS ARE ON THE

RISE IN MORE THAN 20 STATES, BUT MOST EVERYTHING IS OPENING

ANYWAY. RESTAURANTS ARE ALLOWED TO OPEN

HERE IN L. A., BUT BECAUSE OF THE SAFETY MEASURES, MANY OF THEM

WILL BE HALF EMPTY. SO SOME RESTAURANTS HAVE BEEN

USING MANNEQUINS TO FILL THE EMPTY SEATS.

WHICH IS VERY WEIRD AND RAISES ANOTHER QUESTION.

WHERE IN THE WORLD DO YOU BUY A MANNEQUIN?

>> ATTENTION RESTAURANT OWNERS! LOOKING MANNEQUINS TO PLACE AT

YOUR SOCIAL DISTANCE BUFFER TABLES BUT DON'T WANT TO PAY AN

ARM AND A LEG? COME AND GET'EM AT BIG AL'S

GENTLY EXPLODED MANNEQUINS. THERE'S HEADLESS HARRY.

LEFTY, THE BING‐BING TWINS. THE SPARKLE SISTERS.

ONE‐EYED WILLIE, AND JARED KUSHNER.

YOUR CUSTOMERS WILL NEVER KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.

SO DON'T BE A DUMMY, GET OVER TO BIG AL'S HOUSE OF GENTLY

EXPLODED MANNEQUINS, RIGHT BEHIND THE DAIRY QUEEN.

CURBSIDE PICKUP AVAILABLE.

>> Jimmy: BIG AL IS THE BEST. THIS IS WONDERFUL.

IN VENTURA, CALIFORNIA, WHICH IS ABOUT 90 MINUTES UP THE 101, THE

CITY COUNCIL VOTED TO REQUIRE THAT MASKS BE WORN INSIDE AND

OUTSIDE GOVERNMENT OFFICES, AND THE RESULT OF THAT VOTE WAS THIS.

>> I PROTEST FACE COVERINGS! I AM A HEALTHY AMERICAN!

I USED TO BE FREE. I AM NOT A TERRORIST.

I AM NOT ANTIFA. I AM NOT A SEX SLAVE THAT WEARS

MASKS. I AM NOT INTO SAY DOUGH

MASOCHISM AND BONDAGE.

>> Jimmy: OH, THAT'S TOO BAD. YOU ALMOST CHECKED ALL THE BOXES

OFF MY LIST. SO THEN WHAT ARE YOU?

>> I AM A PROUD TRUMP REPUBLICAN! TRUMP REPUBLICAN!

YEARNING TO BE FREE AGAIN!

>> Jimmy: SHE'S YEARNING. SHE'S YEARNING TO BE FREE TO GO

TO MARGARITAVILLE!

>> SHAME ON ALL OF YOU! LET LIBERTY RING!

♪ GOD BLESS AMERICA

♪ LAND THAT I LOVE

>> Jimmy: WAIT, DON'T STOP THERE. GO FOR IT!

FINISH THE SONG!

♪ FROM THE OCEANS TO THE

PRAIRIES ♪

♪ TO THE MOUNTAINS WHITE WITH

FOAM ♪

>> Jimmy: MOUNTAINS ‐‐ WHITE WITH FOAM?

THE FOAM SEEMS TO BE COMING OUT OF YOUR MOUTH.

MEANWHILE, THE PRESIDENT IS HOLDING A RALLY THIS WEEKEND IN

TULSA, AND FOLKS LIKE HER ARE ALREADY LINING UP.

>> I'M HERE WITH MIKE BOATMAN, AND HE IS FROM EVANSVILLE,

INDIANA, AND RIGHT NOW YOU'RE THE FOURTH PERSON IN LINE, RIGHT?

>> YES, I'M THE FOURTH.

>> WHEN DID YOU GET HERE?

>> I GOT HERE 28 HOURS AGO.

>> AWESOME. WHY DID YOU WANT TO COME OUT

HERE TO TULSA THIS WEEKEND?

>> I WANTED TO HEAR PRESIDENT TRUMP SPEAK.

WHAT HE DOES FOR OUR COUNTRY, FOR EVERY ONE OF US IS NOTHING

FOR ME TO BE OUT HERE SIX DAYS EARLY.

>> Jimmy: THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.

THE BAIT SHOP'S LOSS IS AMERICA'S GAIN.

THIS COUNTRY IS AN ABSOLUTE MESS, BUT CHANGE IS HAPPENING.

A NUMBER OF MAJOR COMPANIES HAVE BEGUN TO RE‐THINK THE MESSAGES

SENT BY SOME OF THEIR PRODUCTS. PEPSICO ANNOUNCED TODAY THEY'RE

CHANGING THE NAME AND LOGO FOR "AUNT JEMIMA," BECAUSE THEY

"RECOGNIZE THAT AUNT JEMIMA'S ORIGINS ARE BASED ON A RACIAL

STEREOTYPE." THE NEW NAME WILL BE "MRS. JEMIMA'S SYRUP THAT SHE

HAS WILLINGLY VOLUNTEERED TO SHARE."

UNCLE BEN'S IS ALSO PLANNING TO MAKE A CHANGE TO THEIR RICE.

GOING FORWARD, THE ORIGINAL UNCLE BEN WILL BE REPLACED BY

UNCLE BEN FROM "SPIDER‐MAN." WITH GREAT POWER COMES GREAT

RICE‐PONSIBILITY. I'M SORRY.

I'M SURE THE GANG AT FOX NEWS WILL HAVE NO PROBLEM WITH THESE

CHANGES WHATSOEVER. I HAVE A GOOD IDEA FOR A NEW

AUNT JEMIMA. IF THEY'RE LOOKING FOR AN AUNT,

MY AUNT CHIPPY WOULD BE GREAT. IT COULD BE THE FIRST PANCAKE

SYRUP THAT SMOKES CIGARETTES. MY AUNT CHIPPY DOES NOT

SUGAR‐COAT ANYTHING, EVEN PANCAKES.

SHE BARELY EVEN BRUSHES HER TEETH!

BUT SHE GIVES GOOD ADVICE, WHICH IS SOMETHING MANY OF OUR VIEWERS

NEED. SO TONIGHT, SHE IS ADVISING

AGAIN WITH A NEW EDITION OF DEAR AUNT CHIPPY.

♪

>> HI, THIS IS AUNT CHIPPY FROM QUARANTINE, ANSWERING YOUR

QUESTIONS. DEAR AUNT CHIPPY, I HAD TO

CANCEL MY WEDDING THIS SUMMER, AWE.

NOW MY FIANCE IS PRESSURING ME TO DO IT.

I READ THAT YOU WEREN'T A VIRGIN WHEN YOU GOT MARRIED.

THAT'S [ BLEEP ]. DO YOU HAVE ANY TIPS FOR ME TO

SATISFY MY FUTURE HUSBAND? DIVORCE HIM NOW.

DON'T EVEN WAIT FOR THE WEDDING. DIVORCE HIS [ BLEEP ].

YOU DON'T NEED HIM. CAN YOU LIVE FINE WITHOUT HIM.

>> Jimmy: SHE'S NOTHING IF NOT A ROMANTIC.

WE HAVE A GOOD SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.

TONIGHT, I'M GOING TO GET IN THE CAR TO VISIT JEFFREY ROSS,

AND WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK WITH SARAH PAULSON.

>> Jimmy: WELCOME BACK TO "JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE" FROM MY

HOUSE. IN JUST A BIT, I WILL GET IN MY

CAR AND DRIVE TO THE HOME OF COMEDIAN JEFF ROSS FOR A NEW

EDITION OF CARANTINE. AND TOMORROW NIGHT,

PHARRELL WILLIAMS WILL JOIN US. MY GUEST TONIGHT IS AN EMMY AND

GOLDEN GLOBE WINNER YOU KNOW FROM "AMERICAN HORROR STORY,"

"AMERICAN CRIME STORY," AND THE MINISERIES "MRS. AMERICA."

SHE'S VERY PATRIOTIC. YOU CAN SEE HER ON FX AND HULU

NOW.

PLEASE WELCOME SARAH PAULSON.

HOW HOW ARE YOU?

>> I'M OKAY, G JIMMY, HOW ARE Y?

>> Jimmy: I'M OKAY, WERE YOU SUP SUPPOSED TO BE FILMING A NEW

FILM.

>> YEAH.

>> Jimmy: WOULD YOU BE PLAYING LINDA TRIPP, WHO I THINK YOU'RE

GOING TO PUT A PHOTOGRAPH ON THE SCREEN WHO YOU DO NOT RESEMBLE

IN ANY WAY. MARSHA CLARK, YOU REALLY

TRANSFORMED INTO HER, BUT THIS I WILL REQUIRE MORE THAN JUST A .

PERM.

>> THIS IS GOING TO REQUIRE A LOT OF THINGS. B

I'LL BE WEARING A LOT OF PROSTHETICS AND BODY

TRANSFORMATIONAL AKRUT RAMENT.

>> Jimmy: DID YOU MEET WITH T LINDA TRIPP BEFORE SHE PASSED

AWAY A COUPLE MONTHS AGO?

>> SHE PASSED AWAY PRETTY EARLY INTO THE QUARANTINE SITUATION.UA

SHE DIED, AND I NEVER MET HER. JT JUST LIKE I NEVER MET MARSHA E

UNTIL WE WERE BASICALLY FINISHED SHOOTING IT. CAN

IT CAN GET COMPLICATED.

>> Jimmy: INTERESTING.

>> I DIDN'T MEET LINDA, I DON'TH KNOW IF SHE WOULD HAVE BEEN

DOING ANYTHING LIKE THAT. BU BUT I GOT AS MANY TEXT MESSAGES

AS IF I'D DIED, LIKE SHE WAS MY BEST FRIEND, I'M SO SORRY TO

HEAR ABOUT LINDA, I'M REALLY T SORRY TO HEAR ABOUT IT, TOO.

I DIDN'T KNOW HER. D I HAD BEEN SPENDING SO MUCH TIMN

READING ALL THESE BOOKS AND WORKING WITH A DIALECT COACH.

SO I WAS IMMERSED IN THIS, IT WAS A VERY WILD THING AND REALLY

DID MAKE ME SAD. my:

>> Jimmy: THAT'S WHEN YOU KNOW YOU'RE GOOD ACTOR, WHEN YOU GET

CONDOLENCES FOR SOMEONE YOU HAVEN'T EVEN PLAYED YET.

>> I WAS LIKE, WOW.

>> Jimmy: THIS CHARACTER IN "MRS. AMERICA" IS NOT A REAL ON

PERSON, RIGHT? IS IT AN AMALGAMATION?

>> I GUESS PEOPLE CALL HER THE T COMPOSITE PERSON.

YOU HAVE TRHE COMPOSITE HPERSON.

IT'S NOT VERY EXCITING. LIKE THE HOLLOW, MY CHARACTER,

WHAT WAS EXCITING ABOUT IT WAS T PLAYED THE ONE CHARACTER WHO

STARTS IN A PARTICULAR PLACE, NOT JUST GEOGRAPHICALLY, BUT

ENDS UP NOT NECESSARILY GOING FROM THE CONSERVATIVE SIDE TO E

THE MORE LIBERAL WAY OF THINKING BUT SHE HAS HER EYES OPENED.

SHE STARTED OUT CLOSED MINDED AND ENDS UP AT THE CONFERENCE IN

HOUSTON AND DOES SOME DRUGS, AN' THERE'S A KIND OF, A WHOLE LOT

OF SHAKIN' GOING ON, IF YOU KNOI WHAT I'M SAYIN'.

>> Jimmy: NOT WHAT YOU WOULD LL TYPICALLY ASSOCIATE WITH THE

EQUAL RIGHTS AMENDMENT.

>> NO, BUT SHE WENT DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE. my:

>> Jimmy: HAVE YOU DONE EVERYTHING YOU SET OUT TO DO? D U

DID YOU MAKE A LIST WHEN THE QUARANTINE BEGAN AND SAY YEAH, I

I'M GOING TO KNOCK THIS OFF ANDF THAT OFF?

>> I DID TRY TO THINK ABOUT AT THAT, BUT HONESTLY, IT'S A VERY

UNNERVING THING FOR ME TO NOT BE WORKING.

I REALIZE I'VE BEEN VERY LUCKY TO BE WORKING A LOT THESE LAST

FEW YEARS, SO I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MYSELF. I'

I'VE HAD A NEW LOVE AFFAIR WITH MY CELL PHONE AND ALL MY S.

DEVICES. I DIDN'T KNOW YOU GOT FI NOTIFICATIONS AS TO HOW MUCH

SCREEN TIME YOU'RE LOGGING.

>> Jimmy: OH, YES.

>> THE MAXIMUM I MET DURING THIS TIME WAS 11 HOURS AND 42 MINUTES

OF SCREEN TIME.immy

>> Jimmy: IN ONE DAY?

>> IN ONE DAY.:

>> Jimmy: WHAT WAS MOST OF IT ON, INSTAGRAM? OME

>> SOME OF IT WAS THAT.I'M VERY I'M VERY INTO THE APP MARCO

POLO, WHERE YOU CAN DEPOSIT A IT NICE LITTLE NOTE AND NOT HAVE T.

TALK. F THE FACE TIME ZOOMING THING IS G

BECOMING A LITTLE LIKE, AND WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO SAY, I'M SO

BUSY? YOU CAN'T GET OUT OF IT.

>> Jimmy: THERE ARE NO EXCUSES THAT WORK.

>> BASICALLY, IT WAS A LOT OF LISTENING TO THE CORONAVIRUS

DAILY BRIEFING AND WATCHING SOMT OF THE STUFF ON MY PHONE, SINCEB

THAT'S BEEN DISBANDED YESTERDAY MY TIME WAS THREE HOURS AND 16 .

MINUTES.

>> Jimmy: DR. FAUCI DID A WHOLE SEASON OF "DANCING WITH THE

STARS," AND NOBODY EVEN NOTICED. EVERY NIGHT I'M MAKING A TI

DONATION TO CHARITY.YOU YOU CHOSE THE LOVELAND TI

FOUNDATION, TELL US ABOUT THAT. I'VE NOT HEARD ABOUT THAT ONE. T

>> IT WAS FOUNDED, IT WAS STARTED BY RACHEL CARGOLD, A ER

WONDERFUL TEACHER AND AUTHOR ANN ALL IN ALL INCREDIBLE PERSON,

BUT SHE STARTED THIS FOUNDATION THAT PROVIDES FINANCIAL AS

ASSISTANCE TO BLACK WOMEN AND GIRLS SEEKING THERAPY,

NATIONALLY. AND SHE'S RAISED A LOT, YOU KNOW

KNOW, THEY MATCH A BLACK WOMAN WITH A BLACK CHILD OR A BLACK

YOUNG WOMAN TO ACCESS CARE, MENTAL HEALTH WISE, AND THEY PAY

FOR IT. my:

>> Jimmy: EXCELLENT. A

>> AND THEY RAISE A LOT OF MO ORNEY, AND IT IS A WONDERFUL

ORGANIZATION.

>> Jimmy: IT IS LOVELAND FOUNDATION.ORG.

THANK YOU, I HOPE YOU GET OUT OF THE HOUSE SOON.

SARAH PAULSON, EVERYBODY. L WE'LL BE BACK WITH A VISIT TO R

JEFF ROSS.

"JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE" FROM MY HOUSE.

YOU KNOW, VIDEO CHAT IS FINE, BUT I'VE BEEN MISSING REAL

INTERACTION WITH MY FRIENDS. SO I CAME UP WITH A SAFE WAY TO

SOCIALIZE, WHICH IS, I DRIVE TO SOMEONE'S HOUSE AND YELL AT THEM

FROM MY CAR. AND WITH THAT SAID, IT'S TIME TO

VISIT THE ROASTMASTER GENERAL,

JEFFREY ROSS.

♪

>> Jimmy: WOW. HARE KRISHNA.

>> HOW'S THIS MOVE?

>> Jimmy: VERY PATRIOTIC. I LIKE IT.

>> GREAT TO SEE YOU, BUD.

>> Jimmy: IT'S GREAT TO SEE YOU, HOW YOU DOIN'?

>> CAN I TAKE MY MASK DOWN? IS IT ALL RIGHT?

>> Jimmy: IT MAY FRIGHTEN, BUT YES, YES. IS THAT YOUR DOG?

>> YEAH. IT'S MY NEW DOG. COME HERE, RONA, MEET EVERYBODY.

>> Jimmy: WHEN YOU FOUND HER ON THE STREET, SHE CAME TO YOU?

>> MY GIRLFRIEND FOUND HER IN HAWTHORN.

SHE WAS TIED TO A POLE WITH SOME FOOD LEFT.

AND WE WENT, I WENT AND GOT HER, AND NOW WE NAMED, WE DON'T KNOW

HER NAME, SO WE NAMED HER RONA, LIKE CORONA.

>> Jimmy: OH, NICE.

>> YOU BUT NOW THAT I'VE GOT TO F

KNOW HER, SHE'S OLD AND LIMPS AND SMELLS LIKE KING KONG'S

[ BLEEP ].

>> Jimmy: IT SMELLS LIKE YOU'RE A LITTLE LATE IN HERE.

YOU'VE BEEN DOING YOGA ONLINE.

>> I'VE BEEN DOING YOGA WITH PEOPLE ON INSTAGRAM, BECAUSE YOU

JUST CAN'T, YOU HAVE TO STAY GROUNDED.

PEOPLE GETTING CRAZY DURING THIS WHOLE THING.

YOU'VE GOT TO FIND SOME INNER PEACE.

>> Jimmy: DOES IT GIVE YOU INNER PEACE?

>> IT DOES. EVERYTHING'S CHANGING.

EVEN RELIGION. WE USED TO SAY IF SOMEONE

SNEEZED, JIMMY, WE'D SAY "GOD BLESS YOU."

NOW YOU SAY [ BLEEP ] GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME.

>> Jimmy: I LIKE THE YOGA STAND UP. IT'S NICE.

YOU COULD MAKE DOUBLE AS MUCH MONEY.

>> NOT AS STAYING HOME.

>> Jimmy: WHAT ABOUT THE PRESIDENT?

DO YOU THINK HE'S DOING A GOOD JOB WITH THIS WHOLE DEAL?

>> I AM FIGHTING THE WAR AGAINST COVID‐19 THE SAME WAY OUR

PRESIDENT FOUGHT THE WAR IN VIETNAM. SHELTER SAFELY AT HOME.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> Jimmy: HE WANTS YOU RIGHT OUT THERE.

HE WANTS YOU TO GET BACK OUT THERE, JEFF, NO MORE YOGA.

HE WANTS YOU ON THE ROAD.

>> I GET TO STAY HOME, CHILL, SMOKE A LITTLE, DO SOME YOGA.

>> Jimmy: ARE YOU CAREFUL WHEN YOU GO OUT THOUGH?

>> I'M VERY CAREFUL. YOU HAVE TO BE.

FIRST OF ALL, I VERY RARELY GO OUT. I'M A GERMAPHOBE.

THE DOG'S A GERMAPHOBE. SHE WON'T GIVE ME HER PAW.

SHE'S SO WORRIED. I DON'T GO OUT AT ALL.

I WORK FROM HOME. I SIT IN FRONT OF THE COMPUTER

ALL DAY, TALKING TO PEOPLE, DRESSED LIKE PORKY PIG.

A SHIRT AND NO PANTS.

>> Jimmy: WELL, I LIKE YOUR GARAGE.

>> THANK YOU.

>> Jimmy: YEAH.

>> THERE'S A LOT OF PICTURES TOGETHER OF OUR OLD SHOW.

>> Jimmy: DON RICKLES? WHAT DID HE WRITE ON THAT

PHOTOGRAPH, THAT HEAD SHOT?

>> THIS IS NOT ACTUALLY SIGNED BY DON RICKLES.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> A FAN GAVE ME THIS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> WE BOTH LOOK BETTER WITH HAIR.

>> Jimmy: THAT'S ‐‐

>> PEOPLE GIVE ME WEIRD STUFF ABOUT THE SHOW, JIMMY.

>> Jimmy: AND YOU KEEP IT.

>> HE KEEPS IT ALL.

>> Jimmy: THANKS, JEFF, I MISS YOU.

>> I MISS YOU TOO. IT'S GREAT TO SEE YOU.

>> Jimmy: GREAT TO SEE YOU, TOO, JEFFREY ROSS.

LISTEN TO HIS PODCAST AND DO YOGA ALONG WITH JEFF.

>> THANK YOU.

>> Jimmy: WOW.

>> GREAT TO SEE YOU, JIMMY.

>> Jimmy: I'LL DRIVE YOU TO THE HOSPITAL. I'LL COME BACK AROUND.

>> NAMA STAY.

>> Jimmy: NAMA STAY. THANK YOU, JEFF, YOU'RE BIEFL.

YOU CAN JOIN JEFF AND DAVE ATTELL FOR THEIR SHOW

"BUMPING MICS" ONLINE, AND THEY'RE DOING A SPECIAL VIRTUAL

FATHER'S DAY BALL‐BUST ON SATURDAY.

YOU CAN GET TICKETS AT THE ADDRESS ON YOUR SCREEN.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

>> Jimmy: HELLO, I'M JAMES KIMMEL WITH A MESSAGE FOR

PARENTS. DUE TO THE QUARANTINE YOU'RE

PROBABLY DOING MORE FOR YOUR CHILDREN THAN EVER BEFORE.

BUT THERE'S ONE THING YOU MAY BE OVERLOOKING, MAKING SURE THEY'RE

PROPERLY HYDRATED. ASSESS THE COLOR OF THEIR URINE

OR PEE. SOMETIMES, IF YOUR CHILD LACKS

HYDRATION THEIR IURINE MAY BE ORANGE IN HUE.

THEY MAY BE UNFOCUSSED. THEY MAY BE TIRED LIKE SAM OR

ANGRY LIKE DEVON. IN ALL MY YEARS OF STUDY, I'VE

LEARNED THAT IF YOUR CHILD IS PROPERLY HYDRATED THEIR URINE OR

PEE MAY BE LIGHT YELLOW IN HUE AND YOU MAY FIND THEM TO BE

CHEERFUL, YOEOBEDIENT AND DOCIL LIKE THESE.

MY TIP, GIVE THEM A CREATIVE ROOTS COCONUT WATER DRINK.

PICKS UP SOME CREATIVE ROOTS TODAY.

>> Dicky: LEARN MORE ABOUT HELPING TO KEEP YOUR KIDS

HYDRATED AT DRINK CREATIVE ROOTS.COM.

>> Jimmy: THAT'S ALL THE TIME WE HAVE.

I'D LIKE TO THANK SARAH PAULSON, JEFFREY ROSS, AND APOLOGIZE TO

MATT DAMON. PHARRELL WILLIAMS WILL BE WITH

US TOMORROW. "NIGHTLINE" IS NEXT, SO GO CRAZY.

STAY UP ALL NIGHT.