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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:04,004 --> 00:00:06,173 ♪ BA, DA, BA, 2 00:00:06,173 --> 00:00:06,807 ♪ BA, DA, BA, 3 00:00:06,807 --> 00:00:07,621 ♪ BA, DA, BA, 4 00:00:07,621 --> 00:00:11,659 ♪ JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE 5 00:00:11,659 --> 00:00:13,555 THIS IS RIDICULOUS. FROM HIS HOUSE. 6 00:00:13,555 --> 00:00:14,889 >> Jimmy: HI THERE, YOU. IT'S ME, JIMMY, IN MY HOUSE 7 00:00:14,889 --> 00:00:20,335 AGAIN. WHICH IS NOW KIND OF "OUR" HOUSE. 8 00:00:20,335 --> 00:00:25,106 BUT DON'T COME TRY TO LIVE IN IT. THE NBA SEEMS READY TO GET BACK 9 00:00:25,106 --> 00:00:28,176 TO WORK. YESTERDAY, THE LEAGUE PROPOSED 10 00:00:28,176 --> 00:00:33,147 113 PAGES WORTH OF SAFETY RULES AND PROCEDURES FOR THE REST OF 11 00:00:33,147 --> 00:00:37,018 THE SEASON. FIRST OF ALL, ALL THE GAMES WILL 12 00:00:37,018 --> 00:00:40,154 BE PLAYED AT DISNEY WORLD, WHICH RIGHT OFF THE BAT SEEMS LIKE THE 13 00:00:40,154 --> 00:00:42,924 LEAST SAFE PLACE TO BE DURING A PETER PAN‐DEMIC. 14 00:00:42,924 --> 00:00:45,393 BUT THEY HAVE A LOT OF PRECAUTIONS IN PLACE. 15 00:00:45,393 --> 00:00:47,495 THE PLAYERS WILL BE HOUSED TOGETHER. 16 00:00:47,495 --> 00:00:49,764 THEY WILL QUARANTINE AHEAD OF TIME AND BE TESTED EVERY DAY. 17 00:00:49,764 --> 00:00:52,133 PLAYERS WILL BE DISCOURAGED FROM LICKING THEIR FINGERS AND 18 00:00:52,133 --> 00:00:57,171 CLEARING THEIR NOSES ON THE COURT. 19 00:00:57,171 --> 00:00:58,473 WERE THEY ENCOURAGED TO DO THAT BEFORE THIS? 20 00:00:58,473 --> 00:01:01,175 PLAYERS WILL BE REQUIRED TO SHOWER IN THEIR HOTEL ROOMS 21 00:01:01,175 --> 00:01:04,145 INSTEAD OF THE LOCKER ROOM. THAT'S ‐‐ I MEAN, I DON'T THINK 22 00:01:04,145 --> 00:01:06,781 IT'S EVEN WORTH PLAYING BASKETBALL IF YOU CAN'T CAP IT 23 00:01:06,781 --> 00:01:10,151 OFF BY SCRUBBING UP WITH THE TEAM LOOFA! 24 00:01:10,151 --> 00:01:13,321 AND ALSO, NO ONE WILL BE ALLOWED TO TOUCH THE BALL. 25 00:01:13,321 --> 00:01:18,426 SO THAT SOUNDS DOABLE! MEANWHILE, OUR BASKETBALL‐HEAD 26 00:01:18,426 --> 00:01:20,161 PRESIDENT IS ABOUT TO GO BACK ON THE ROAD, BUT FIRST HE IS 27 00:01:20,161 --> 00:01:22,263 FENDING OFF ANOTHER ROUND OF TELL‐ALL BOOKS. 28 00:01:22,263 --> 00:01:27,869 TRUMP IS SAID TO BE PLANNING TO FILE A LAWSUIT AGAINST HIS 29 00:01:27,869 --> 00:01:30,872 NIECE, MARY TRUMP, OVER A FORTHCOMING MEMOIR THAT 30 00:01:30,872 --> 00:01:33,174 REPORTEDLY DOES NOT PAINT UNCLE DONNY IN A POSITIVE LIGHT. 31 00:01:33,174 --> 00:01:37,145 THIS IS THE BOOK. IT'S CALLED "TOO MUCH AND NEVER 32 00:01:37,145 --> 00:01:40,181 ENOUGH: HOW MY FAMILY CREATED THE WORLD'S MOST DANGEROUS MAN." 33 00:01:40,181 --> 00:01:44,018 WHICH IS A LOT LONGER THAN THE ORIGINAL TITLE, WHICH WAS "MY 34 00:01:44,018 --> 00:01:47,622 UNCLE IS A DICK." TRUMP CLAIMS HIS NIECE'S BOOK 35 00:01:47,622 --> 00:01:49,557 WOULD VIOLATE THE TERMS OF A NON‐DISCLOSURE AGREEMENT HE HAD 36 00:01:49,557 --> 00:01:52,493 HER SIGN IN 2001. IMAGINE HAVING AN NDA WITH YOUR 37 00:01:52,493 --> 00:01:59,901 NIECE. THAT'S REALLY ALL YOU NEED TO 38 00:01:59,901 --> 00:02:01,002 KNOW ABOUT SOMEONE. THE OTHER BOOK HE WOULD VERY 39 00:02:01,002 --> 00:02:03,805 MUCH LIKE TO KEEP FROM COMING OUT IS FROM A MEMBER OF HIS 40 00:02:03,805 --> 00:02:09,143 INNER CIRCLE, FORMER NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISOR, JOHN BOLTON. 41 00:02:09,143 --> 00:02:13,147 WE GOT A FEW McNUGGETS TODAY AND AMONG MANY UNBELIEVABLE 42 00:02:13,147 --> 00:02:18,653 CLAIMS IN THE BOOK, BOLTON WRITES THAT TRUMP SAID 43 00:02:18,653 --> 00:02:21,923 JOURNALISTS SHOULD BE EXECUTED. THAT HE DIDN'T KNOW BRITAIN WAS 44 00:02:21,923 --> 00:02:23,391 A NUCLEAR POWER, THAT HE ASKED IF FINLAND WAS PART OF RUSSIA, 45 00:02:23,391 --> 00:02:24,759 HE BEGGED THE CHINESE TO HELP HIM WITH THE ELECTION, AND HAS A 46 00:02:24,759 --> 00:02:29,263 PENIS THAT LOOKS LIKE A MUSHROOM. THOUGH I MAY HAVE PICKED THAT U 47 00:02:29,263 --> 00:02:33,134 THING UP FROM THE STORMY DANIELS BOOK. 48 00:02:33,134 --> 00:02:34,335 CAN YOU IMAGINE THE PRESIDENT ASKING IF FINLAND IS PART OF 49 00:02:34,335 --> 00:02:36,638 RUSSIA? HE'S THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED 50 00:02:36,638 --> 00:02:39,307 STATES! THAT'S LIKE YOUR MECHANIC ASKING 51 00:02:39,307 --> 00:02:43,244 IF THE MUFFLER IS PART OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT. 52 00:02:43,244 --> 00:02:45,179 MEANWHILE, REMEMBER WHEN TRUMP WAS PUSHING HYDROXYCHLOROQUINE 53 00:02:45,179 --> 00:02:52,053 AS A CORONAVIRUS MIRACLE DRUG? WELL, THE FDA THIS WEEK WITHDREW 54 00:02:52,053 --> 00:02:56,924 THEIR SUPPORT FOR IT, AND NOW THE GOVERNMENT IS STUCK WITH 55 00:02:56,924 --> 00:02:58,159 66 MILLION USELESS DOSES. SO I GUESS WE KNOW WHAT THE 56 00:02:58,159 --> 00:03:05,199 TRUMPS WILL BE GIVING TRICK OR TREATERS ON HALLOWEEN. 57 00:03:05,199 --> 00:03:06,968 FOR THE NEXT 30 YEARS. CASES OF THE VIRUS ARE ON THE 58 00:03:06,968 --> 00:03:08,569 RISE IN MORE THAN 20 STATES, BUT MOST EVERYTHING IS OPENING 59 00:03:08,569 --> 00:03:10,204 ANYWAY. RESTAURANTS ARE ALLOWED TO OPEN 60 00:03:10,204 --> 00:03:13,174 HERE IN L. A., BUT BECAUSE OF THE SAFETY MEASURES, MANY OF THEM 61 00:03:13,174 --> 00:03:16,377 WILL BE HALF EMPTY. SO SOME RESTAURANTS HAVE BEEN 62 00:03:16,377 --> 00:03:23,985 USING MANNEQUINS TO FILL THE EMPTY SEATS. 63 00:03:23,985 --> 00:03:25,620 WHICH IS VERY WEIRD AND RAISES ANOTHER QUESTION. 64 00:03:25,620 --> 00:03:30,091 WHERE IN THE WORLD DO YOU BUY A MANNEQUIN? 65 00:03:30,091 --> 00:03:34,195 >> ATTENTION RESTAURANT OWNERS! LOOKING MANNEQUINS TO PLACE AT 66 00:03:34,195 --> 00:03:38,299 YOUR SOCIAL DISTANCE BUFFER TABLES BUT DON'T WANT TO PAY AN 67 00:03:38,299 --> 00:03:43,705 ARM AND A LEG? COME AND GET'EM AT BIG AL'S 68 00:03:43,705 --> 00:03:48,576 GENTLY EXPLODED MANNEQUINS. THERE'S HEADLESS HARRY. 69 00:03:48,576 --> 00:03:53,181 LEFTY, THE BING‐BING TWINS. THE SPARKLE SISTERS. 70 00:03:53,181 --> 00:03:56,517 ONE‐EYED WILLIE, AND JARED KUSHNER. 71 00:03:56,517 --> 00:03:58,286 YOUR CUSTOMERS WILL NEVER KNOW THE DIFFERENCE. 72 00:03:58,286 --> 00:04:04,125 SO DON'T BE A DUMMY, GET OVER TO BIG AL'S HOUSE OF GENTLY 73 00:04:04,125 --> 00:04:09,197 EXPLODED MANNEQUINS, RIGHT BEHIND THE DAIRY QUEEN. 74 00:04:09,197 --> 00:04:10,932 CURBSIDE PICKUP AVAILABLE. 75 00:04:10,932 --> 00:04:12,467 >> Jimmy: BIG AL IS THE BEST. THIS IS WONDERFUL. 76 00:04:12,467 --> 00:04:15,236 IN VENTURA, CALIFORNIA, WHICH IS ABOUT 90 MINUTES UP THE 101, THE 77 00:04:15,236 --> 00:04:17,171 CITY COUNCIL VOTED TO REQUIRE THAT MASKS BE WORN INSIDE AND 78 00:04:17,171 --> 00:04:24,812 OUTSIDE GOVERNMENT OFFICES, AND THE RESULT OF THAT VOTE WAS THIS. 79 00:04:24,812 --> 00:04:29,784 >> I PROTEST FACE COVERINGS! I AM A HEALTHY AMERICAN! 80 00:04:29,784 --> 00:04:37,492 I USED TO BE FREE. I AM NOT A TERRORIST. 81 00:04:37,492 --> 00:04:44,031 I AM NOT ANTIFA. I AM NOT A SEX SLAVE THAT WEARS 82 00:04:44,031 --> 00:04:49,170 MASKS. I AM NOT INTO SAY DOUGH 83 00:04:49,170 --> 00:04:52,140 MASOCHISM AND BONDAGE. 84 00:04:52,140 --> 00:04:53,374 >> Jimmy: OH, THAT'S TOO BAD. YOU ALMOST CHECKED ALL THE BOXES 85 00:04:53,374 --> 00:04:57,311 OFF MY LIST. SO THEN WHAT ARE YOU? 86 00:04:57,311 --> 00:05:03,084 >> I AM A PROUD TRUMP REPUBLICAN! TRUMP REPUBLICAN! 87 00:05:03,084 --> 00:05:05,887 YEARNING TO BE FREE AGAIN! 88 00:05:05,887 --> 00:05:07,221 >> Jimmy: SHE'S YEARNING. SHE'S YEARNING TO BE FREE TO GO 89 00:05:07,221 --> 00:05:09,991 TO MARGARITAVILLE! 90 00:05:09,991 --> 00:05:14,962 >> SHAME ON ALL OF YOU! LET LIBERTY RING! 91 00:05:14,962 --> 00:05:17,732 ♪ GOD BLESS AMERICA 92 00:05:17,732 --> 00:05:20,835 ♪ LAND THAT I LOVE 93 00:05:20,835 --> 00:05:22,370 >> Jimmy: WAIT, DON'T STOP THERE. GO FOR IT! 94 00:05:22,370 --> 00:05:25,606 FINISH THE SONG! 95 00:05:25,606 --> 00:05:28,109 ♪ FROM THE OCEANS TO THE 96 00:05:28,109 --> 00:05:28,409 PRAIRIES ♪ 97 00:05:28,409 --> 00:05:31,879 ♪ TO THE MOUNTAINS WHITE WITH 98 00:05:31,879 --> 00:05:32,113 FOAM ♪ 99 00:05:32,113 --> 00:05:34,582 >> Jimmy: MOUNTAINS ‐‐ WHITE WITH FOAM? 100 00:05:34,582 --> 00:05:37,018 THE FOAM SEEMS TO BE COMING OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. 101 00:05:37,018 --> 00:05:39,253 MEANWHILE, THE PRESIDENT IS HOLDING A RALLY THIS WEEKEND IN 102 00:05:39,253 --> 00:05:43,157 TULSA, AND FOLKS LIKE HER ARE ALREADY LINING UP. 103 00:05:43,157 --> 00:05:49,864 >> I'M HERE WITH MIKE BOATMAN, AND HE IS FROM EVANSVILLE, 104 00:05:49,864 --> 00:05:52,266 INDIANA, AND RIGHT NOW YOU'RE THE FOURTH PERSON IN LINE, RIGHT? 105 00:05:52,266 --> 00:05:53,534 >> YES, I'M THE FOURTH. 106 00:05:53,534 --> 00:05:54,902 >> WHEN DID YOU GET HERE? 107 00:05:54,902 --> 00:05:57,071 >> I GOT HERE 28 HOURS AGO. 108 00:05:57,071 --> 00:05:59,473 >> AWESOME. WHY DID YOU WANT TO COME OUT 109 00:05:59,473 --> 00:06:00,808 HERE TO TULSA THIS WEEKEND? 110 00:06:00,808 --> 00:06:02,710 >> I WANTED TO HEAR PRESIDENT TRUMP SPEAK. 111 00:06:02,710 --> 00:06:05,713 WHAT HE DOES FOR OUR COUNTRY, FOR EVERY ONE OF US IS NOTHING 112 00:06:05,713 --> 00:06:08,983 FOR ME TO BE OUT HERE SIX DAYS EARLY. 113 00:06:08,983 --> 00:06:12,820 >> Jimmy: THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE. 114 00:06:12,820 --> 00:06:16,123 THE BAIT SHOP'S LOSS IS AMERICA'S GAIN. 115 00:06:16,123 --> 00:06:17,291 THIS COUNTRY IS AN ABSOLUTE MESS, BUT CHANGE IS HAPPENING. 116 00:06:17,291 --> 00:06:20,394 A NUMBER OF MAJOR COMPANIES HAVE BEGUN TO RE‐THINK THE MESSAGES 117 00:06:20,394 --> 00:06:24,232 SENT BY SOME OF THEIR PRODUCTS. PEPSICO ANNOUNCED TODAY THEY'RE 118 00:06:24,232 --> 00:06:25,800 CHANGING THE NAME AND LOGO FOR "AUNT JEMIMA," BECAUSE THEY 119 00:06:25,800 --> 00:06:29,203 "RECOGNIZE THAT AUNT JEMIMA'S ORIGINS ARE BASED ON A RACIAL 120 00:06:29,203 --> 00:06:34,175 STEREOTYPE." THE NEW NAME WILL BE "MRS. JEMIMA'S SYRUP THAT SHE 121 00:06:34,175 --> 00:06:36,544 HAS WILLINGLY VOLUNTEERED TO SHARE." 122 00:06:36,544 --> 00:06:41,148 UNCLE BEN'S IS ALSO PLANNING TO MAKE A CHANGE TO THEIR RICE. 123 00:06:41,148 --> 00:06:45,152 GOING FORWARD, THE ORIGINAL UNCLE BEN WILL BE REPLACED BY 124 00:06:45,152 --> 00:06:49,156 UNCLE BEN FROM "SPIDER‐MAN." WITH GREAT POWER COMES GREAT 125 00:06:49,156 --> 00:06:55,997 RICE‐PONSIBILITY. I'M SORRY. 126 00:06:55,997 --> 00:06:59,166 I'M SURE THE GANG AT FOX NEWS WILL HAVE NO PROBLEM WITH THESE 127 00:06:59,166 --> 00:07:02,603 CHANGES WHATSOEVER. I HAVE A GOOD IDEA FOR A NEW 128 00:07:02,603 --> 00:07:04,205 AUNT JEMIMA. IF THEY'RE LOOKING FOR AN AUNT, 129 00:07:04,205 --> 00:07:07,008 MY AUNT CHIPPY WOULD BE GREAT. IT COULD BE THE FIRST PANCAKE 130 00:07:07,008 --> 00:07:09,043 SYRUP THAT SMOKES CIGARETTES. MY AUNT CHIPPY DOES NOT 131 00:07:09,043 --> 00:07:11,212 SUGAR‐COAT ANYTHING, EVEN PANCAKES. 132 00:07:11,212 --> 00:07:13,147 SHE BARELY EVEN BRUSHES HER TEETH! 133 00:07:13,147 --> 00:07:15,816 BUT SHE GIVES GOOD ADVICE, WHICH IS SOMETHING MANY OF OUR VIEWERS 134 00:07:15,816 --> 00:07:17,151 NEED. SO TONIGHT, SHE IS ADVISING 135 00:07:17,151 --> 00:07:22,156 AGAIN WITH A NEW EDITION OF DEAR AUNT CHIPPY. 136 00:07:22,156 --> 00:07:25,126 ♪ 137 00:07:25,126 --> 00:07:31,232 >> HI, THIS IS AUNT CHIPPY FROM QUARANTINE, ANSWERING YOUR 138 00:07:31,232 --> 00:07:33,935 QUESTIONS. DEAR AUNT CHIPPY, I HAD TO 139 00:07:33,935 --> 00:07:37,138 CANCEL MY WEDDING THIS SUMMER, AWE. 140 00:07:37,138 --> 00:07:40,274 NOW MY FIANCE IS PRESSURING ME TO DO IT. 141 00:07:40,274 --> 00:07:44,145 I READ THAT YOU WEREN'T A VIRGIN WHEN YOU GOT MARRIED. 142 00:07:44,145 --> 00:07:48,316 THAT'S [ BLEEP ]. DO YOU HAVE ANY TIPS FOR ME TO 143 00:07:48,316 --> 00:07:51,485 SATISFY MY FUTURE HUSBAND? DIVORCE HIM NOW. 144 00:07:51,485 --> 00:07:54,855 DON'T EVEN WAIT FOR THE WEDDING. DIVORCE HIS [ BLEEP ]. 145 00:07:54,855 --> 00:07:59,527 YOU DON'T NEED HIM. CAN YOU LIVE FINE WITHOUT HIM. 146 00:07:59,527 --> 00:08:00,995 >> Jimmy: SHE'S NOTHING IF NOT A ROMANTIC. 147 00:08:00,995 --> 00:08:02,863 WE HAVE A GOOD SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. 148 00:08:02,863 --> 00:08:05,499 TONIGHT, I'M GOING TO GET IN THE CAR TO VISIT JEFFREY ROSS, 149 00:08:05,499 --> 00:08:06,867 AND WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK WITH SARAH PAULSON. 150 00:08:16,572 --> 00:08:18,729 >> Jimmy: WELCOME BACK TO "JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE" FROM MY 151 00:08:18,729 --> 00:08:19,563 HOUSE. IN JUST A BIT, I WILL GET IN MY 152 00:08:19,563 --> 00:08:21,164 CAR AND DRIVE TO THE HOME OF COMEDIAN JEFF ROSS FOR A NEW 153 00:08:21,164 --> 00:08:22,966 EDITION OF CARANTINE. AND TOMORROW NIGHT, 154 00:08:22,966 --> 00:08:25,202 PHARRELL WILLIAMS WILL JOIN US. MY GUEST TONIGHT IS AN EMMY AND 155 00:08:25,202 --> 00:08:26,403 GOLDEN GLOBE WINNER YOU KNOW FROM "AMERICAN HORROR STORY," 156 00:08:26,403 --> 00:08:28,672 "AMERICAN CRIME STORY," AND THE MINISERIES "MRS. AMERICA." 157 00:08:28,672 --> 00:08:31,808 SHE'S VERY PATRIOTIC. YOU CAN SEE HER ON FX AND HULU 158 00:08:31,808 --> 00:08:33,143 NOW. 159 00:08:33,143 --> 00:08:42,986 PLEASE WELCOME SARAH PAULSON. 160 00:08:42,986 --> 00:08:44,187 HOW HOW ARE YOU? 161 00:08:44,187 --> 00:08:52,863 >> I'M OKAY, G JIMMY, HOW ARE Y? 162 00:08:52,863 --> 00:08:58,769 >> Jimmy: I'M OKAY, WERE YOU SUP SUPPOSED TO BE FILMING A NEW 163 00:08:58,769 --> 00:08:59,269 FILM. 164 00:08:59,269 --> 00:09:00,137 >> YEAH. 165 00:09:00,137 --> 00:09:04,174 >> Jimmy: WOULD YOU BE PLAYING LINDA TRIPP, WHO I THINK YOU'RE 166 00:09:04,174 --> 00:09:07,778 GOING TO PUT A PHOTOGRAPH ON THE SCREEN WHO YOU DO NOT RESEMBLE 167 00:09:07,778 --> 00:09:11,481 IN ANY WAY. MARSHA CLARK, YOU REALLY 168 00:09:11,481 --> 00:09:14,284 TRANSFORMED INTO HER, BUT THIS I WILL REQUIRE MORE THAN JUST A . 169 00:09:14,284 --> 00:09:14,551 PERM. 170 00:09:14,551 --> 00:09:17,454 >> THIS IS GOING TO REQUIRE A LOT OF THINGS. B 171 00:09:17,454 --> 00:09:23,794 I'LL BE WEARING A LOT OF PROSTHETICS AND BODY 172 00:09:23,794 --> 00:09:27,898 TRANSFORMATIONAL AKRUT RAMENT. 173 00:09:27,898 --> 00:09:31,068 >> Jimmy: DID YOU MEET WITH T LINDA TRIPP BEFORE SHE PASSED 174 00:09:31,068 --> 00:09:32,703 AWAY A COUPLE MONTHS AGO? 175 00:09:32,703 --> 00:09:39,676 >> SHE PASSED AWAY PRETTY EARLY INTO THE QUARANTINE SITUATION.UA 176 00:09:39,676 --> 00:09:44,281 SHE DIED, AND I NEVER MET HER. JT JUST LIKE I NEVER MET MARSHA E 177 00:09:44,281 --> 00:09:47,117 UNTIL WE WERE BASICALLY FINISHED SHOOTING IT. CAN 178 00:09:47,117 --> 00:09:49,986 IT CAN GET COMPLICATED. 179 00:09:49,986 --> 00:09:50,454 >> Jimmy: INTERESTING. 180 00:09:50,454 --> 00:09:57,494 >> I DIDN'T MEET LINDA, I DON'TH KNOW IF SHE WOULD HAVE BEEN 181 00:09:57,494 --> 00:10:02,065 DOING ANYTHING LIKE THAT. BU BUT I GOT AS MANY TEXT MESSAGES 182 00:10:02,065 --> 00:10:06,336 AS IF I'D DIED, LIKE SHE WAS MY BEST FRIEND, I'M SO SORRY TO 183 00:10:06,336 --> 00:10:10,140 HEAR ABOUT LINDA, I'M REALLY T SORRY TO HEAR ABOUT IT, TOO. 184 00:10:10,140 --> 00:10:13,376 I DIDN'T KNOW HER. D I HAD BEEN SPENDING SO MUCH TIMN 185 00:10:13,376 --> 00:10:17,280 READING ALL THESE BOOKS AND WORKING WITH A DIALECT COACH. 186 00:10:17,280 --> 00:10:21,585 SO I WAS IMMERSED IN THIS, IT WAS A VERY WILD THING AND REALLY 187 00:10:21,585 --> 00:10:23,653 DID MAKE ME SAD. my: 188 00:10:23,653 --> 00:10:28,525 >> Jimmy: THAT'S WHEN YOU KNOW YOU'RE GOOD ACTOR, WHEN YOU GET 189 00:10:28,525 --> 00:10:31,294 CONDOLENCES FOR SOMEONE YOU HAVEN'T EVEN PLAYED YET. 190 00:10:31,294 --> 00:10:32,395 >> I WAS LIKE, WOW. 191 00:10:32,395 --> 00:10:37,768 >> Jimmy: THIS CHARACTER IN "MRS. AMERICA" IS NOT A REAL ON 192 00:10:37,768 --> 00:10:40,504 PERSON, RIGHT? IS IT AN AMALGAMATION? 193 00:10:40,504 --> 00:10:45,041 >> I GUESS PEOPLE CALL HER THE T COMPOSITE PERSON. 194 00:10:45,041 --> 00:10:57,087 YOU HAVE TRHE COMPOSITE HPERSON. 195 00:10:57,087 --> 00:10:59,156 IT'S NOT VERY EXCITING. LIKE THE HOLLOW, MY CHARACTER, 196 00:10:59,156 --> 00:11:02,692 WHAT WAS EXCITING ABOUT IT WAS T PLAYED THE ONE CHARACTER WHO 197 00:11:02,692 --> 00:11:07,731 STARTS IN A PARTICULAR PLACE, NOT JUST GEOGRAPHICALLY, BUT 198 00:11:07,731 --> 00:11:11,034 ENDS UP NOT NECESSARILY GOING FROM THE CONSERVATIVE SIDE TO E 199 00:11:11,034 --> 00:11:14,871 THE MORE LIBERAL WAY OF THINKING BUT SHE HAS HER EYES OPENED. 200 00:11:14,871 --> 00:11:20,343 SHE STARTED OUT CLOSED MINDED AND ENDS UP AT THE CONFERENCE IN 201 00:11:20,343 --> 00:11:24,181 HOUSTON AND DOES SOME DRUGS, AN' THERE'S A KIND OF, A WHOLE LOT 202 00:11:24,181 --> 00:11:27,918 OF SHAKIN' GOING ON, IF YOU KNOI WHAT I'M SAYIN'. 203 00:11:27,918 --> 00:11:31,221 >> Jimmy: NOT WHAT YOU WOULD LL TYPICALLY ASSOCIATE WITH THE 204 00:11:31,221 --> 00:11:32,189 EQUAL RIGHTS AMENDMENT. 205 00:11:32,189 --> 00:11:35,192 >> NO, BUT SHE WENT DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE. my: 206 00:11:35,192 --> 00:11:38,195 >> Jimmy: HAVE YOU DONE EVERYTHING YOU SET OUT TO DO? D U 207 00:11:38,195 --> 00:11:41,665 DID YOU MAKE A LIST WHEN THE QUARANTINE BEGAN AND SAY YEAH, I 208 00:11:41,665 --> 00:11:44,034 I'M GOING TO KNOCK THIS OFF ANDF THAT OFF? 209 00:11:44,034 --> 00:11:48,271 >> I DID TRY TO THINK ABOUT AT THAT, BUT HONESTLY, IT'S A VERY 210 00:11:48,271 --> 00:11:50,874 UNNERVING THING FOR ME TO NOT BE WORKING. 211 00:11:50,874 --> 00:11:54,477 I REALIZE I'VE BEEN VERY LUCKY TO BE WORKING A LOT THESE LAST 212 00:11:54,477 --> 00:11:57,914 FEW YEARS, SO I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MYSELF. I' 213 00:11:57,914 --> 00:12:02,352 I'VE HAD A NEW LOVE AFFAIR WITH MY CELL PHONE AND ALL MY S. 214 00:12:02,352 --> 00:12:05,222 DEVICES. I DIDN'T KNOW YOU GOT FI NOTIFICATIONS AS TO HOW MUCH 215 00:12:05,222 --> 00:12:06,823 SCREEN TIME YOU'RE LOGGING. 216 00:12:06,823 --> 00:12:07,891 >> Jimmy: OH, YES. 217 00:12:07,891 --> 00:12:13,763 >> THE MAXIMUM I MET DURING THIS TIME WAS 11 HOURS AND 42 MINUTES 218 00:12:13,763 --> 00:12:14,698 OF SCREEN TIME.immy 219 00:12:14,698 --> 00:12:16,399 >> Jimmy: IN ONE DAY? 220 00:12:16,399 --> 00:12:17,234 >> IN ONE DAY.: 221 00:12:17,234 --> 00:12:19,436 >> Jimmy: WHAT WAS MOST OF IT ON, INSTAGRAM? OME 222 00:12:19,436 --> 00:12:23,874 >> SOME OF IT WAS THAT.I'M VERY I'M VERY INTO THE APP MARCO 223 00:12:23,874 --> 00:12:27,978 POLO, WHERE YOU CAN DEPOSIT A IT NICE LITTLE NOTE AND NOT HAVE T. 224 00:12:27,978 --> 00:12:30,380 TALK. F THE FACE TIME ZOOMING THING IS G 225 00:12:30,380 --> 00:12:36,086 BECOMING A LITTLE LIKE, AND WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO SAY, I'M SO 226 00:12:36,086 --> 00:12:36,786 BUSY? YOU CAN'T GET OUT OF IT. 227 00:12:36,786 --> 00:12:38,421 >> Jimmy: THERE ARE NO EXCUSES THAT WORK. 228 00:12:38,421 --> 00:12:42,692 >> BASICALLY, IT WAS A LOT OF LISTENING TO THE CORONAVIRUS 229 00:12:42,692 --> 00:12:46,463 DAILY BRIEFING AND WATCHING SOMT OF THE STUFF ON MY PHONE, SINCEB 230 00:12:46,463 --> 00:12:51,401 THAT'S BEEN DISBANDED YESTERDAY MY TIME WAS THREE HOURS AND 16 . 231 00:12:51,401 --> 00:12:51,635 MINUTES. 232 00:12:51,635 --> 00:12:54,871 >> Jimmy: DR. FAUCI DID A WHOLE SEASON OF "DANCING WITH THE 233 00:12:54,871 --> 00:12:58,108 STARS," AND NOBODY EVEN NOTICED. EVERY NIGHT I'M MAKING A TI 234 00:12:58,108 --> 00:13:00,977 DONATION TO CHARITY.YOU YOU CHOSE THE LOVELAND TI 235 00:13:00,977 --> 00:13:03,780 FOUNDATION, TELL US ABOUT THAT. I'VE NOT HEARD ABOUT THAT ONE. T 236 00:13:03,780 --> 00:13:08,852 >> IT WAS FOUNDED, IT WAS STARTED BY RACHEL CARGOLD, A ER 237 00:13:08,852 --> 00:13:12,088 WONDERFUL TEACHER AND AUTHOR ANN ALL IN ALL INCREDIBLE PERSON, 238 00:13:12,088 --> 00:13:15,292 BUT SHE STARTED THIS FOUNDATION THAT PROVIDES FINANCIAL AS 239 00:13:15,292 --> 00:13:18,762 ASSISTANCE TO BLACK WOMEN AND GIRLS SEEKING THERAPY, 240 00:13:18,762 --> 00:13:20,697 NATIONALLY. AND SHE'S RAISED A LOT, YOU KNOW 241 00:13:20,697 --> 00:13:24,501 KNOW, THEY MATCH A BLACK WOMAN WITH A BLACK CHILD OR A BLACK 242 00:13:24,501 --> 00:13:30,740 YOUNG WOMAN TO ACCESS CARE, MENTAL HEALTH WISE, AND THEY PAY 243 00:13:30,740 --> 00:13:31,508 FOR IT. my: 244 00:13:31,508 --> 00:13:32,342 >> Jimmy: EXCELLENT. A 245 00:13:32,342 --> 00:13:36,546 >> AND THEY RAISE A LOT OF MO ORNEY, AND IT IS A WONDERFUL 246 00:13:36,546 --> 00:13:36,913 ORGANIZATION. 247 00:13:36,913 --> 00:13:42,185 >> Jimmy: IT IS LOVELAND FOUNDATION.ORG. 248 00:13:42,185 --> 00:13:45,221 THANK YOU, I HOPE YOU GET OUT OF THE HOUSE SOON. 249 00:13:45,221 --> 00:13:48,491 SARAH PAULSON, EVERYBODY. L WE'LL BE BACK WITH A VISIT TO R 250 00:13:48,491 --> 00:13:48,758 JEFF ROSS. 251 00:13:56,767 --> 00:13:57,229 "JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE" FROM MY HOUSE. 252 00:13:57,229 --> 00:13:59,165 YOU KNOW, VIDEO CHAT IS FINE, BUT I'VE BEEN MISSING REAL 253 00:13:59,165 --> 00:14:02,568 INTERACTION WITH MY FRIENDS. SO I CAME UP WITH A SAFE WAY TO 254 00:14:02,568 --> 00:14:05,037 SOCIALIZE, WHICH IS, I DRIVE TO SOMEONE'S HOUSE AND YELL AT THEM 255 00:14:05,037 --> 00:14:07,406 FROM MY CAR. AND WITH THAT SAID, IT'S TIME TO 256 00:14:07,406 --> 00:14:08,341 VISIT THE ROASTMASTER GENERAL, 257 00:14:08,341 --> 00:14:21,754 JEFFREY ROSS. 258 00:14:21,754 --> 00:14:24,523 ♪ 259 00:14:24,523 --> 00:14:28,561 >> Jimmy: WOW. HARE KRISHNA. 260 00:14:28,561 --> 00:14:30,796 >> HOW'S THIS MOVE? 261 00:14:30,796 --> 00:14:34,533 >> Jimmy: VERY PATRIOTIC. I LIKE IT. 262 00:14:34,533 --> 00:14:36,035 >> GREAT TO SEE YOU, BUD. 263 00:14:36,035 --> 00:14:39,805 >> Jimmy: IT'S GREAT TO SEE YOU, HOW YOU DOIN'? 264 00:14:39,805 --> 00:14:43,109 >> CAN I TAKE MY MASK DOWN? IS IT ALL RIGHT? 265 00:14:43,109 --> 00:14:49,615 >> Jimmy: IT MAY FRIGHTEN, BUT YES, YES. IS THAT YOUR DOG? 266 00:14:49,615 --> 00:14:57,323 >> YEAH. IT'S MY NEW DOG. COME HERE, RONA, MEET EVERYBODY. 267 00:14:57,323 --> 00:15:01,093 >> Jimmy: WHEN YOU FOUND HER ON THE STREET, SHE CAME TO YOU? 268 00:15:01,093 --> 00:15:03,629 >> MY GIRLFRIEND FOUND HER IN HAWTHORN. 269 00:15:03,629 --> 00:15:05,931 SHE WAS TIED TO A POLE WITH SOME FOOD LEFT. 270 00:15:05,931 --> 00:15:10,936 AND WE WENT, I WENT AND GOT HER, AND NOW WE NAMED, WE DON'T KNOW 271 00:15:10,936 --> 00:15:17,810 HER NAME, SO WE NAMED HER RONA, LIKE CORONA. 272 00:15:17,810 --> 00:15:18,511 >> Jimmy: OH, NICE. 273 00:15:18,511 --> 00:15:26,118 >> YOU BUT NOW THAT I'VE GOT TO F 274 00:15:26,118 --> 00:15:30,956 KNOW HER, SHE'S OLD AND LIMPS AND SMELLS LIKE KING KONG'S 275 00:15:30,956 --> 00:15:31,323 [ BLEEP ]. 276 00:15:31,323 --> 00:15:35,928 >> Jimmy: IT SMELLS LIKE YOU'RE A LITTLE LATE IN HERE. 277 00:15:35,928 --> 00:15:38,698 YOU'VE BEEN DOING YOGA ONLINE. 278 00:15:38,698 --> 00:15:42,501 >> I'VE BEEN DOING YOGA WITH PEOPLE ON INSTAGRAM, BECAUSE YOU 279 00:15:42,501 --> 00:15:45,905 JUST CAN'T, YOU HAVE TO STAY GROUNDED. 280 00:15:45,905 --> 00:15:50,109 PEOPLE GETTING CRAZY DURING THIS WHOLE THING. 281 00:15:50,109 --> 00:15:51,844 YOU'VE GOT TO FIND SOME INNER PEACE. 282 00:15:51,844 --> 00:15:53,746 >> Jimmy: DOES IT GIVE YOU INNER PEACE? 283 00:15:53,746 --> 00:15:56,148 >> IT DOES. EVERYTHING'S CHANGING. 284 00:15:56,148 --> 00:15:58,984 EVEN RELIGION. WE USED TO SAY IF SOMEONE 285 00:15:58,984 --> 00:16:02,955 SNEEZED, JIMMY, WE'D SAY "GOD BLESS YOU." 286 00:16:02,955 --> 00:16:05,691 NOW YOU SAY [ BLEEP ] GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME. 287 00:16:05,691 --> 00:16:08,694 >> Jimmy: I LIKE THE YOGA STAND UP. IT'S NICE. 288 00:16:08,694 --> 00:16:10,463 YOU COULD MAKE DOUBLE AS MUCH MONEY. 289 00:16:10,463 --> 00:16:12,098 >> NOT AS STAYING HOME. 290 00:16:12,098 --> 00:16:13,899 >> Jimmy: WHAT ABOUT THE PRESIDENT? 291 00:16:13,899 --> 00:16:17,336 DO YOU THINK HE'S DOING A GOOD JOB WITH THIS WHOLE DEAL? 292 00:16:17,336 --> 00:16:21,874 >> I AM FIGHTING THE WAR AGAINST COVID‐19 THE SAME WAY OUR 293 00:16:21,874 --> 00:16:29,081 PRESIDENT FOUGHT THE WAR IN VIETNAM. SHELTER SAFELY AT HOME. 294 00:16:29,081 --> 00:16:30,483 [ LAUGHTER ] 295 00:16:30,483 --> 00:16:32,251 >> Jimmy: HE WANTS YOU RIGHT OUT THERE. 296 00:16:32,251 --> 00:16:35,788 HE WANTS YOU TO GET BACK OUT THERE, JEFF, NO MORE YOGA. 297 00:16:35,788 --> 00:16:37,356 HE WANTS YOU ON THE ROAD. 298 00:16:37,356 --> 00:16:42,928 >> I GET TO STAY HOME, CHILL, SMOKE A LITTLE, DO SOME YOGA. 299 00:16:42,928 --> 00:16:46,232 >> Jimmy: ARE YOU CAREFUL WHEN YOU GO OUT THOUGH? 300 00:16:46,232 --> 00:16:48,334 >> I'M VERY CAREFUL. YOU HAVE TO BE. 301 00:16:48,334 --> 00:16:52,905 FIRST OF ALL, I VERY RARELY GO OUT. I'M A GERMAPHOBE. 302 00:16:52,905 --> 00:16:56,375 THE DOG'S A GERMAPHOBE. SHE WON'T GIVE ME HER PAW. 303 00:16:56,375 --> 00:16:58,911 SHE'S SO WORRIED. I DON'T GO OUT AT ALL. 304 00:16:58,911 --> 00:17:01,680 I WORK FROM HOME. I SIT IN FRONT OF THE COMPUTER 305 00:17:01,680 --> 00:17:05,284 ALL DAY, TALKING TO PEOPLE, DRESSED LIKE PORKY PIG. 306 00:17:05,284 --> 00:17:06,952 A SHIRT AND NO PANTS. 307 00:17:06,952 --> 00:17:08,921 >> Jimmy: WELL, I LIKE YOUR GARAGE. 308 00:17:08,921 --> 00:17:09,688 >> THANK YOU. 309 00:17:09,688 --> 00:17:10,256 >> Jimmy: YEAH. 310 00:17:10,256 --> 00:17:17,429 >> THERE'S A LOT OF PICTURES TOGETHER OF OUR OLD SHOW. 311 00:17:17,429 --> 00:17:22,434 >> Jimmy: DON RICKLES? WHAT DID HE WRITE ON THAT 312 00:17:22,434 --> 00:17:28,574 PHOTOGRAPH, THAT HEAD SHOT? 313 00:17:28,574 --> 00:17:32,011 >> THIS IS NOT ACTUALLY SIGNED BY DON RICKLES. 314 00:17:32,011 --> 00:17:33,946 [ LAUGHTER ] 315 00:17:33,946 --> 00:17:36,882 >> A FAN GAVE ME THIS. 316 00:17:36,882 --> 00:17:38,684 [ LAUGHTER ] 317 00:17:38,684 --> 00:17:41,921 >> WE BOTH LOOK BETTER WITH HAIR. 318 00:17:41,921 --> 00:17:42,755 >> Jimmy: THAT'S ‐‐ 319 00:17:42,755 --> 00:17:45,624 >> PEOPLE GIVE ME WEIRD STUFF ABOUT THE SHOW, JIMMY. 320 00:17:45,624 --> 00:17:46,625 >> Jimmy: AND YOU KEEP IT. 321 00:17:46,625 --> 00:17:48,360 >> HE KEEPS IT ALL. 322 00:17:48,360 --> 00:17:50,229 >> Jimmy: THANKS, JEFF, I MISS YOU. 323 00:17:50,229 --> 00:17:52,898 >> I MISS YOU TOO. IT'S GREAT TO SEE YOU. 324 00:17:52,898 --> 00:17:56,068 >> Jimmy: GREAT TO SEE YOU, TOO, JEFFREY ROSS. 325 00:17:56,068 --> 00:17:59,905 LISTEN TO HIS PODCAST AND DO YOGA ALONG WITH JEFF. 326 00:17:59,905 --> 00:18:03,075 >> THANK YOU. 327 00:18:03,075 --> 00:18:03,876 >> Jimmy: WOW. 328 00:18:03,876 --> 00:18:06,478 >> GREAT TO SEE YOU, JIMMY. 329 00:18:06,478 --> 00:18:12,318 >> Jimmy: I'LL DRIVE YOU TO THE HOSPITAL. I'LL COME BACK AROUND. 330 00:18:12,318 --> 00:18:15,888 >> NAMA STAY. 331 00:18:15,888 --> 00:18:19,358 >> Jimmy: NAMA STAY. THANK YOU, JEFF, YOU'RE BIEFL. 332 00:18:19,358 --> 00:18:20,392 YOU CAN JOIN JEFF AND DAVE ATTELL FOR THEIR SHOW 333 00:18:20,392 --> 00:18:21,961 "BUMPING MICS" ONLINE, AND THEY'RE DOING A SPECIAL VIRTUAL 334 00:18:21,961 --> 00:18:23,929 FATHER'S DAY BALL‐BUST ON SATURDAY. 335 00:18:23,929 --> 00:18:25,698 YOU CAN GET TICKETS AT THE ADDRESS ON YOUR SCREEN. 336 00:18:25,698 --> 00:18:27,266 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK. 337 00:18:35,870 --> 00:18:36,948 >> Jimmy: HELLO, I'M JAMES KIMMEL WITH A MESSAGE FOR 338 00:18:36,948 --> 00:18:38,749 PARENTS. DUE TO THE QUARANTINE YOU'RE 339 00:18:38,749 --> 00:18:41,886 PROBABLY DOING MORE FOR YOUR CHILDREN THAN EVER BEFORE. 340 00:18:41,886 --> 00:18:47,024 BUT THERE'S ONE THING YOU MAY BE OVERLOOKING, MAKING SURE THEY'RE 341 00:18:47,024 --> 00:18:50,495 PROPERLY HYDRATED. ASSESS THE COLOR OF THEIR URINE 342 00:18:50,495 --> 00:18:57,301 OR PEE. SOMETIMES, IF YOUR CHILD LACKS 343 00:18:57,301 --> 00:19:02,740 HYDRATION THEIR IURINE MAY BE ORANGE IN HUE. 344 00:19:02,740 --> 00:19:07,545 THEY MAY BE UNFOCUSSED. THEY MAY BE TIRED LIKE SAM OR 345 00:19:07,545 --> 00:19:11,182 ANGRY LIKE DEVON. IN ALL MY YEARS OF STUDY, I'VE 346 00:19:11,182 --> 00:19:16,254 LEARNED THAT IF YOUR CHILD IS PROPERLY HYDRATED THEIR URINE OR 347 00:19:16,254 --> 00:19:20,358 PEE MAY BE LIGHT YELLOW IN HUE AND YOU MAY FIND THEM TO BE 348 00:19:20,358 --> 00:19:27,198 CHEERFUL, YOEOBEDIENT AND DOCIL LIKE THESE. 349 00:19:27,198 --> 00:19:34,338 MY TIP, GIVE THEM A CREATIVE ROOTS COCONUT WATER DRINK. 350 00:19:34,338 --> 00:19:37,174 PICKS UP SOME CREATIVE ROOTS TODAY. 351 00:19:37,174 --> 00:19:41,546 >> Dicky: LEARN MORE ABOUT HELPING TO KEEP YOUR KIDS 352 00:19:41,546 --> 00:19:43,114 HYDRATED AT DRINK CREATIVE ROOTS.COM. 353 00:19:43,114 --> 00:19:44,415 >> Jimmy: THAT'S ALL THE TIME WE HAVE. 354 00:19:44,415 --> 00:19:45,783 I'D LIKE TO THANK SARAH PAULSON, JEFFREY ROSS, AND APOLOGIZE TO 355 00:19:45,783 --> 00:19:47,118 MATT DAMON. PHARRELL WILLIAMS WILL BE WITH 356 00:19:47,118 --> 00:19:48,986 US TOMORROW. "NIGHTLINE" IS NEXT, SO GO CRAZY. 357 00:19:48,986 --> 00:19:52,486 STAY UP ALL NIGHT. 30332

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