Original subtitles

Honey, talk for me, please.

Hi.

Honey, talk like you're going to talk.

IN NEW JERSEY ACCENT: I am talking like I'm going to talk!

Why did you get all Jersey on me?

OK. What we doing?

BEEP

♪ I was living my life just like you

♪ Then Miss Rona hit and said Stay home, Boo

♪ With my hubby, my daughter And two little dogs

♪ Washing my hands and sterilising knobs

♪ Facetiming friends Doing TikToks for fun

♪ Let's check in with each other... ♪

HE CHANTS

I don't know why I'm crying.

Really?

What is happening?!

All right.

I'm ready. Bravo, bravo!

You know, when this thing started, this lockdown thing,

I was definitely like, this is the time

I'm going to learn another language.

I'm going to clean my entire house.

I am going to lose so much weight.

Three months in, I don't want to do a bloody burpee.

I don't want to do a mountain climber.

I just have lots of energy, I'm putting it in the wrong places.

I am mopping the floor with slippers with mops on the bottom of it.

I am organising things, I have labelled everything in my kitchen.

She labelled the butter dish.

And a fucking onion.

Hi, why did you label the butter?

And then a couple of days ago, I actually think I hit my low point.

Holy shit! She's pruning!

Anything but dealing with the things that we should be doing

and I just look at myself and say, "What the fuck are you doing?"

This week, if we do it together,

maybe we can accomplish an inkling of what we want to, right?

We can do this.

SHE CHUCKLES

♪ How's your head, hun? ♪

But first...

For today's snack, it is a heartland treat.

Living in an apartment or flat,

you don't have fireplaces, you don't even have grills,

so this is how we make an indoor kitchen s'more.

Like this. Take a fork.

That's a knife. I was just testing you.

You could do it over a candle or, if you have gas, you do it like this.

It depends, of course, how well-done you like your marshmallows.

If I know Lola, she's going to burn them.

Yes, just like her mummy.

Burn, burn, burn.

Now...

When you get it to where you want it...

Are you done? Hm-mm. OK.

We have Graham crackers here, with chocolate.

Lola, put yours on.

And that is your kitchen s'mores.

How is it?

It's good.

Who do you want, buddy? What's up?

You are so wet and you smell like wet dog.

It's news time and you know what happens.

My husband picks us the stories that he thinks I should talk about -

and if you understood what I said just now, you get a point.

Cos I slurred as if I was intoxicated.

Are we ready?

We're ready. Here we go.

This black bear named Takoda is a great reminder

that when we get stressed,

the answer to feeling better is always a bath.

Oh! Look at Takoda!

Takoda is living its best life.

Can we get a bear?

What?

There is so much joy in animals, that's why they make me so happy.

I want you all to take a bath the way Takoda took a bath.

It will be very messy afterwards,

but while you're doing it, it'll be fun.

Ready for the next one? Yes.

Police in West Cornwall discovered a huge willy... Oh!

..ploughed into a... Ploughed?!

Hold on. A huge willy ploughed where?

Would you... Let me finish! OK.

Ploughed into a farmer's field...

THEY LAUGH

Well, at least someone is using their time in lockdown wisely.

I think that is so brilliant.

Creating a crop cock.

A crop cock!

Oh, my goodness. A weed willy!

Oh, my God, I love that.

Moving on.

Christian Varley from the Isle of Man

ran 19 marathons in 19 days to raise money for coronavirus relief.

That's 26.2 miles every day.

Could you imagine what their inner thighs look like?

But just get up and do it again. Yeah.

Put some butter on it and go.

But, obviously, they trained a lot and this is something that they do.

But how impressive and how wonderful.

Finally, according to a BBC article, the UK's top shopping searches

in March and April included free weights, hair dye - Uh-huh! -

and women's lingerie with 2.1 million searches.

I wonder why lingerie popped up there?

Do you need to even get dressed up?

Yes, you should get some.

No, it's such a waste of time.

Yeah, but it's part of the whole...

Just roll me over. ..package.

Stick it in.

You're welcome. Yeah.

Today's guest is a comedian.

He is naughty. He is Northern.

He makes all women go weak at the knees, but most importantly,

he's my friend.

Please, welcome Keith Lemon!

Hey! Hello.

HONK!

I've never seen that trick before.

HONK!

That's good, Keith! HONK!

HE HONKS

It's the sound of a Victorian bicycle bell - HONK!

Or the sound of comedy boobs - HONK!

HE HONKS

Oh, there's always one bigger than the other, isn't there?

Always.

That one's broke.

So, Keith, how's your head, hun?

It's falling to bits,

but I'm sticking it together with masking tape and such.

Over here in England, we've had pretty good weather during lockdown,

so that's been nice.

Now, I know that you love to imbibe.

What has been your quarantine drink of choice, Keith?

Budweiser.

Which I call alcoholic water.

Really?

I'm not very exotic, am I?

Are you a Guinness man?

No, I don't like Guinness.

Do you not?

It's like... No, it's like gravy.

It's like... It's like some sort of weird soup.

I won't do that stuff.

Tell me what Keith Lemon was like as a wee baby.

Up until I was four, I was a little bit naughty,

until I discovered Star Wars figures

and then I was focused on Star Wars figures so much.

I remember one of my friends getting into Transformers and

me falling out, going, "So you're not playing Star Wars any more?"

He went, "No." And I went, "Get out. Get out my garden.

"I don't want to talk to no Transformers boy."

Yeah.

So, Keith, crafting, besides your fabulous show,

which is Fantastical Factory Of Curious Craft with your mum...

Which, when we filmed the first episode,

I couldn't even remember the title.

And I go, "Hello, welcome to the...

"What's it called again?

"Can we make this title short?

"Can't it be called The Craft Factory?"

Oh, I like that.

Crafting's kind of having a moment during lockdown, don't you think?

I think it's lovely that you have a pile of nothing

and turn it into something.

I've just learnt how to use a sewing machine in lockdown.

Seriously?

And I made me a mask, actually. Let me see.

I thought it'd be nice to look like Brad Pitt,

so I printed Brad Pitt on one.

The... It's... I don't look like Brad Pitt, do I?

And I made this one.

It's Teen Wolf.

Oh, of course you did.

I look like Planet Of The Apes, don't I?

SHE LAUGHS

Cornelius! Yeah. Cornelius!

I knew it was you!

It's battered. Where are you going? All right, let me see.

THEY LAUGH

See, there is nothing you can't do, Keith Lemon.

You're unbelievable. Oh, I can't do any sports.

What, you can't... What, sports?

MIMICS MICHELLE: Sports? I don't do sports!

I know my accent sometimes goes over your head, doesn't it? But...

No. We connect telepathically anyway.

Yeah, listen, I get your Leeds accent. I got you.

You want to test me on my accent knowledge?

All right, OK.

Hey, what have I told you, lar?

Come back down here cos I'm going to be late for work!

That's Liverpool.

What give it away? The... HE HISSES

Yes.

I love trees! I love to hug them!

It really makes me feel good.

I think that's Scottish.

Yeah, it's kind of Billy Connolly, isn't it? Yeah.

BAGPIPES PLAY

I love trees!

I don't get them, but I love them!

That... That was fantastic! That was really, really great. OK.

So, you know about Chubby Bunny, right?

Have you got marshmallows?

That's all we've got left.

Oh, my God, they're only wee. OK, listen.

My one is the size of your two.

We're going to shove them in our mouths

and then each one we have to say, "Chubby Bunny."

OK. One...

MUFFLED: Oh, my God!

Chubby Bunny.

Chubby Bunny. I just look like I've got an abscess.

SHE LAUGHS

Two more.

Chubby Bunny.

Chubby Bunny.

Look at...

THEY LAUGH

That two more?

Chubby Bunny.

IN A BUMPKIN ACCENT: That was two there,

coming down here. I said, "Get outta here!

"You don't belong here!"

SHE LAUGHS

You can't come around here with that shit!

SHE LAUGHS

I can't!

MUFFLED: Chubby Bunny. THEY LAUGH

I'm just going to eat them.

We are children!

Thank you, Keith Lemon.

Mm! Oh, bless you.

Perfume genius.

You can create your own scent

by mixing your perfumes at home, or colognes.

I'm absolutely obsessed with it

and all the magical things that you can do

with the art of fragrancing.

I have my own scent.

I made it with my wizard wand and my brain.

This perfume smells like you're just laying in a bunch of Gardenias.

So you put a darker scent on,

and oudier scent...

Honey, what exactly does oud mean?

Good question, student.

It's from wood.

And then you go...

Let it dry for a minute.

Do you like the way this...I smell?

Yeah, surprisingly.

You do?! Yeah, but... You like this one?!

Sm... What?

Usually you smell like an old woman.

So have fun, get your perfume on, be a fragrance mixologist

and you're welcome.

David, you could see yourself in my shot the entire time.

No, I can't... Oh!

This is black lacquer. Ah, yep, yep. I can. Sorry.

One thing I told myself I was going to do during quarantine

was learn a language, and I chose Italian.

GIO!

I don't miss you at all. SHE LAUGHS

Who better to learn my Italian from than my partner Giovanni,

who's from Sicily?

The first thing, I think the first week I said,

"Can you teach me Italian while you teach me how to dance?"

And you said... No. Right.

No, I was too busy already teaching you how to dance.

That was enough, that was enough. Trust me, that was enough.

Shall we do it? Yeah. Are you going to be a good student?

I'm... Giovanni!

I'm always a good... Not like when I was teaching you how to dance.

I was a... No, I'm actually... You were perfect. Thank you.

Come si dice, "Take your shirt off"?

You don't need to say anything, you just have to do it.

Yeah!

For all the ladies and the fellas out there, thank you, Giovanni!

All right. I'm ready. Bravo, bravo! OK, tell me how to say...

Let me put something else on. OK, go. I feel naked.

Go put something else on. You really don't need to, but go ahead.

This is actually better. Yeah, I do.

Did you go jogging in that? Yeah, no, that's my pyjama, that's...

That's your pyjamas? Let's say, "Where is the cheese shop?"

Dov'e il negozio di formaggi?

Dov'e il nego, il negozio il formaggio?

No.

I, formagg-I.

Oh, formaggi! Bravo. I, formaggi, plural!

I got it! Cos I'm doing plurals right now!

Now I want you to teach me

how to say, "My husband is a very heavy breather."

Listen. HE INHALES LOUDLY

Tell him what to say. Just tell him what to say.

Scusa... Scusa... ..io... ..io...

..respiro... ..respiro...

..molto, molto pesante... ..mo, molto pesante.

GIO LAUGHS Bravo! But like, molto!

Molto! Molto. Molto pesante!

What did I say? Perfect! Bravo! Bravo!

You said, "I... Excuse me, I breathe very loudly."

Gio! It wasn't me! Gio! Promise!

I'm only yelling cos she yells at you.

BOTH SHOUT: Gio!

Ciao, Giovanni, arrivederci! Love you! Bye.

Look at my hair! Hold on.

Wait, Honey, fix my hair.

Look at my hair. Can you smooth it down?

SHE LAUGHS

Don't lick your hand! Ew!

All right, good enough.

Some girls have their bags, some girls have their shoes

and I am obsessed with eyewear, so I have over 700 pairs.

So I ordered storage cabinets

and I'm going to put them together today. I can't wait.

Honey, could you sort these screws for me?

Honey! What? Help me! No!

Why don't you help? Because I have a husband.

HE GROANS

Can you keep that down? Very loud. Help me!

HE GROANS, SHE LAUGHS

Ah, my leg! Ah, ah, ah, ah!

Look, it's pinching. It's pinching. That's not funny.

HE GROANS Boom!

Where's the hammer? Hammer?

Honey, can you keep it down? David!

David!

It's almost there. It's almost there.

Yep, done. You didn't even hammer anything.

Oh, sh... Shoot!

I used the wrong nails. HE GROANS

My knees hurt! Are you done helping me? We're taking a hiatus.

Sabbatical! Do you want to help me, buddy?

Woo!

Michelle, I'm done! Why do I have all these extra pieces?

Check it out. Honey, I think you put it on upside down.

What? Just kidding! It looks great! Thank you!

Hold on, we've got a dog in the picture.

David, leave her, this is a real show!

Hi, Daisy. Hi, little girl!

You do not chew that cord.

My guest today is an Arsenal football legend

and a fellow Strictly alum. Please welcome my friend Alex Scott.

Hey, baby! Woo, woo! Oh, my gosh, it's so good to see you!

IN COCKNEY ACCENT: Why do you look so beautiful?

When I knew I was, like, coming on this with you, I was like,

"Oh, I have to get dressed up."

But I went halfway because I didn't even have to iron this blouse.

So it's still technically being lazy.

And you have a tank top underneath it? I do!

THEY LAUGH

That's my girl! So first let's start with how's your head?

How are you doing in this quarantine?

Do you know what? I'm surprisingly, I would say I'm doing OK.

I never knew before what living for the weekend was.

Yeah. Cos you know people, they have their job, nine-to-five,

and they always talk about, "I can't wait for the weekend."

But being an athlete, I didn't have weekends because

that was when our games would be, that's when I'm on TV. Right.

Now, actually, in lockdown, I'm living for the weekend. Yes!

I'm getting takeaway pizza, I'm going to have my glass of wine.

Good girl.

I am a little jealous of something I saw on Twitter with you

where you got a gold star from your Spanish teacher. Yes!

No, don't you yeah, I'm jealous.

See, I'm learning Italian,

and I have Giovanni who has been helping me,

but he just yells at me, he berates me because I'm doing it wrong.

You know Gio. Yeah. Did you always want to learn Spanish?

Yeah, I've always wanted to learn Spanish for the reason

I've always wanted to travel round South America. Oh, that's great.

So I was like, well, this is the time that I have no excuse,

I'm in my house, I am going to come out of this with a skill.

So I have three lessons, maybe four lessons a week.

Three to four lessons a week. How long are your lessons? An hour!

I thought you were doing it once a week! Ay, Dios mio!

Honey, I want to get a teacher like Alex has.

Yeah, she makes it so I can relate to things,

like, what I'm already doing.

So, like, right now, ah, I can explain about my house.

So mi casa es pequeno, so it's small. Yes.

Um, but para parque es grande. I have a park that's big!

See? I am so... You're so East London.

But can you see I've still got my Cockney accent? Yes!

You've got East London accent mixed in with mi parque es grande.

It's hilarious. Um, so I want to play a little game with you.

It's a game of lasts.

So the last things that you've done in your life, OK?

Are you down for it? OK, I'm down, I'm down. OK, here we go. OK.

The last DM that you received.

Oh, actually from, it's a camera guy, it's really boring,

that I used to work with, congratulating me.

Congratulating you on what?

I've been awarded an honorary degree.

I'm a doctor of science. For what? What have you done, Alex Scott?

Tell me! BETWEEN LAUGHS: I don't know!

Oh, dear Lord. Well, congratulations honey. Thanks!

Last time you cried. SHE GASPS

Like yesterday. Go on.

Michelle, I know you're in America,

so I don't know if you're going to get this programme...

Are you going to talk about Normal People? Yes.

Michelle, I cried every episode.

I'm not a crier, and I think all my tears from all the years

came out in this programme.

There were bits I was watching and I started crying and I'm like,

"Why am I crying? I don't know why I'm crying!" Really?!

Just it hit too many emotions for me.

The last food delivery that you received.

Was my pizza. Yes, pizza!

OK, the last one is the last time you truly felt genuinely happy.

Seriously, I would say on Strictly with you lot.

Aw. When I was on it, I was just like, "Wow,

"this is actually what I've always dreamed of doing,

"and I'm right here now."

And meeting you, that show brought us together.

Yes. So I am forever grateful and thankful for that.

And I am so grateful that you took time out

and got prettied up for me to do this show.

And I'm so glad you checked in.

You shouldn't waste it. Thank you for giving me a reason!

You look gorgeous, you always look gorgeous,

but you look extra gorgeous. Michelle, do you know what as well?

After watching Normal People, what I've realised is,

I've been single a while now, so I need to make more of an effort

because I'm ready to have someone in my life.

OK, this is an exclusive for you. What are you doing?

What are you doing about that? I... Nothing now in lockdown!

Well, what can I do?

Just rub it in a bit more, will you?

Use that lighting, you look so beautiful.

Take some selfies of you in that light. Some selfies? Yes, girl!

You can do it! You look beautiful! Bloody love you.

Welcome to another Tea Time.

I've got my cuppa, I've got my Earl Grey right here

and I'm ready to go with some questions.

So, um, this is really hot.

I can't even pick up my cuppa.

Got it.

Here we go!

Sophia writes, "My ex-boyfriend is texting me

"non-stop during quarantine." Ugh.

"Should I engage with his texts or say, thanks but no thanks?"

This comes down to self-respect.

I think he's an ex for a reason,

so I suggest you just pie him off, sayonara.

Britney asks, "My teen daughter will not allow me

"in her room even just to clean or put away her laundry.

"Do I respect her wishes?" Her room is her space.

I know a lot of mums and dads out there will say,

"No, I pay the bills." I get that,

but it's her one place to have her sanctity.

So I say allow her to have it, as long as there's no critters

or bugs, then we're in a good place.

If it keeps her well, so good luck to you, Mum.

Olivia asks, "I really want to do something nice for my hubby

"who is having a hard time in lockdown.

"Any suggestions?" Blow job.

DAVID STIFLES A LAUGH

That's, of course, for Olivia, not for me.

DAVID LAUGHS

I think it was... Am I not allowed to say that? Should I do one clean?

Fellatio. GASPING

Patrick asks, "If you had to name one movie to describe yourself,

"what would it be?"

One movie to describe myself...

Scream. THEY LAUGH

Really loud.

That's hard!

Psycho? Oh, my God, David!

Johnny asks, "The local store is still out of toilet paper."

Oh, Johnny! "Got any ideas?"

This is what we're doing, gas station, cloth-like paper towels.

Like, see, you'd see these at a petrol station.

I know this is ridiculous, is I do this,

then I do this and fold it this way.

And this is for your bum if you to... Two. You can do two. No way!

Twos not going to do it! This is thick enough, this is thick enough.

What are you eating for dinner?

Are you having chilli for dinner? TOILET WATER RUSHES

That's it!

Thank you so much to all of you and keep the questions coming in

because I love them and I will get to them.

Mwah, thank you!

One thing I promised myself I would do is not lose the momentum

I had doing Strictly.

I was dancing eight to ten hours a day, staying really fit.

So today I'm going to get on that treadmill,

and I'm going to check in with my best friend.

You may know her from a little show called King Of Queens,

it's Leah Remini.

No. Hi. Hey! You look gorgeous.

I've got, as you see, full face of make-up. Always.

But you do that always. Are you on the treadmill?

Leah, I'm on the treadmill. I'm very proud of you. Are you?

I was, I was supposed to be on the treadmill today, but...

Look at, like, look...

Those buttons are going to take somebody's eyes out.

You know how we talked three months ago?

About how we were going to come out of this amazing? Yes.

SHOUTS: What is happening?!

The weird thing that we were talking about, though, Leah,

is that this is different to anything else.

Yes, we've never gone through a pandemic.

Yes, it's kind of hard to compare, but there is a weird

complacency of, like, it's the opposite of motivation.

Right, and yet there are people out there that are, like,

gaining six packs and 12 packs, and, like, using this time wisely.

Not so much us. No. But look, you're on the treadmill right now.

Yes. By the way, you look beautiful. Thank you. So do you. You really do.

Thank you. I like your cock-sucking lips. Thank you, darling.

It's this plumping lip gloss. I have a really light lining.

Is David getting to enjoy those?

Well, is Angelo getting to enjoy yours? No, I'm in quarantine.

Yeah, thank you, I'm married.

THEY LAUGH

Is anybody having sex?

I think some people must be having exorbitant amounts of sex,

and I think married people are like...

SHE SIGHS ..again? Right.

Not to mention, the bigger I get, the less I want to have sex.

That's the thing.

It's like, Angelo, the other day, he, you know,

was trying to cuddle me, which, you know,

I don't like cuddling anyway on a good day. Right, right.

But what does he do? What does he fucking do?

The first thing that they do, for some reason,

is they put their hand around the fattest part of your belly,

and you're not prepared for it.

Hang on, David! What? Come here!

When we lay at night and you try to cuddle me,

where does your hand have to not go ever?

It can't go around her stomach. Why not just grab the tit?

That's what you're going for anyway.

Grabbing my tit is like grabbing my shoulder blade at this point, so...

Hah! Stop it. He'd be searching for it. I'll take it.

But I understand their side. Which is?

Which is they want connection, they want...

Yeah, well, that's how men feel loved.

It's not by the 50 million things we do a day. Correct.

Not bearing your children, not raising them,

not cleaning, not cooking, just sex.

Just, when are you sucking a dick?

I love you. I love you. SHOUTS: Bye, David!

Bye!

He is really cute. He's cute. Bye. Bye.

Well, I did it.

All the crazy energy I had cleaning up the house,

I put it all to good use on that beast of a treadmill.

So for me today, one day done, tomorrow waits and I say, brava!

Making my post-workout shake, which I think this is vitamin C.

Uh, weren't you talking about blow jobs?

BLENDER ROARS

This scene has come to a head.

♪ How's your head, hun? ♪

It's late, you're probably knackered,

sit back because I'm going to read you some fine literature.

Of course, I'm talking about the Drag Race section

and the comments from Reddit.

"I would totally watch a stage show of Clueless

"with Carson as Cher, RuPaul as Dionne, Michelle as Amber."

"My plastic surgeon says I shouldn't be doing any activities

"where balls are flying at my face."

"Why would anyone wear nude lipstick?"

Now, I see what they're doing here on Reddit, they're making fun of me.

Not every minute needs to be like, here's my lips!

"It's 2038, Michelle Visage still looks the same."

Yes, honey!

When it's right, it's fucking right! That's right, you tell them.

"Michelle done popped the corn and fed us."

"Groove is in the heart and the tits!"

"Ms Visage can step on my throat with those shoes any day."

Thank you so much, that is really sweet,

cos usually when I read the Reddit comments

they're not all this sweet.

"Michelle is cleaning out her closets

"while she's self quarantining,

"RuPaul didn't raise no fool. Ru is like,

"'Michelle, I ain't paying your ass to sit home all day,

"'so you'd better grab your iPhone and sell your shit on Poshmark.

"'And I suggest you do it now

"'while we're in the midst of a live season, girl.

"'We don't know how long this corona bitch is going to hang around.'"

You know me so well.

"Michelle needs to do a TED talk on how to get your shit together."

I couldn't agree more. Well, I hope this helped your head.

So have a goodnight, stay healthy and remember,

I'll see you next Tuesday.

SHE SLURPS, SIGHS