Original subtitles

sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~

Freeze!

I mean, stay.

Boy, that GPS tracking tag we put his collar really works.

- That's a good boy. - Thanks.

I was talking to the dog.

Come on, Hunter. Let's get you home.

- Wanna go for a ride, buddy? - Sure. Where are we going?

Nope, still the dog.

♪ You think there's not a lot goin' on ♪

♪ Look closer, baby you're so wrong ♪

2x09 - Tag You're I.T.

So scaring the kitty with vegetables

is your idea of a good time?

Why is the cat afraid of a cucumber?

Kale is far more terrifying.

- Where do you find this stuff, Mom? - Mew Tube.

The only place to find all the cute cat videos.

Yeah, 'cause cat videos are a real rarity on the Internet.

It's just harmless good fun.

If you want good fun, it needs to be harmful.

The funniest videos online are dudes getting

sacked in the 'nads. Timeless classic.

There's an entire website dedicated to it

called "Hard in the Nards."

Mom, maybe don't Google "Hard" or "Nards."

People getting hurt isn't funny. It's just plain stupid.

Well, stupid's where it's at online.

Here, let me show you one that's the best of both worlds.

It's a video of a cat clamped onto a guy's crotch.

Uh-oh.

Aah! Where did you all...

- This is an outrage! - I'm in a Facebook flame war.

- Interrupting my sexy chats! - Whoa, whoa.

Can someone rational please explain what's going on?

- I don't know where you think you... - I said "someone rational."

- You'll have to do. - This massive,

but not out-of-character, overreaction

- is because the WiFi is down. - You need to reboot your router.

Ah. Okay, that sounds reasonable.

WiFi should be back up in a jiffy.

Aah! My god.

What else happens in this town when my back is turned?

Don't ask questions you don't want the answers to.

Why is everyone so upset about my WiFi being down?

They didn't even stick around to use it.

Oh, uh, we don't have to be here to use your WiFi.

You don't? Where does it reach?

Main Street, bar... my bathroom.

- Kinda weak in my basement. - My WiFi can't travel that far.

No, no.

That's why we installed the signal booster.

The what?

You mean I'm paying for the entire town's WiFi?

We paid for the signal booster!

- And everyone knows about this? - Everyone but you, apparently.

We thought you were okay with this.

Yeah. Why are you shocked

that people are using your open WiFi? Brace yourself:

they use your ketchup and napkins too.

Yeah, when they're here. These are free things for paying customers.

We are customers. Just sometimes, we're customers at home.

Yeah, we're not all married to our careers.

If I turn around again, will you all disappear?

I promise this won't happen again.

You're right. That GPS tag made it a real time-saver.

Just think, if we tagged everyone in town,

we'd always know where everyone was.

That would make our job way easier.

Except that would be a highly illegal and massive invasion of privacy.

Oh. Right, but consider this:

I assumed you'd be on board, and I've done it already.

Ah! Aah! Oh! Aah!

- It's not even a cute cat. - Or a cute crotch,

but look at how many views it's gotten.

- I just don't see what the point is. - The point is,

sometimes you can make a lot of money

and get famous from a single dumb video.

You can?

- Ready to go? - Let's get our stupid on.

Hmm....

Time to make a wish.

Hmm...

Watching you with technology is more entertaining

than these videos I'm enjoying...

- for free... on your open WiFi. - Enjoy it while you can,

'cause I'm putting a password on this thing.

As soon as I find its keyboard.

Great, looks like I'll just have enough time to watch

the entire Lord of the Rings trilogy.

The director's cut.

How on earth did you manage to tag so many people?

I gave them friendship bracelets. The GPS tags are in the charm.

If they're friendship bracelets, why didn't you give me one?

You're a work friend. Don't make this weird.

You can't track people without them knowing.

This is really, really, really illegal.

If it helps the police, how illegal can it be?

- I said three "reallies." - When we're in the car,

we have the right to surveil people.

What's the difference doing it from the comfort of our desks

using technology in way that it wasn't intended?

Because it's... Hang on.

That's Rheena, Michelle, and Mavis.

At Rheena's. What are they up to?

- Maybe they're a girl gang. - That's everyone from book club.

They said it was cancelled this week.

Probably discussing "Let's Get Together and Back-Stab Our Friend."

Yech, that's a terrible title.

Just think, we could become huge Internet celebrities.

I could be bigger than that epic mealtime guy!

I'm comin' after your viewers, Harley!

Who the hell is Hank Yarbo, and how is he stealing all my viewers?

Whoa...

He took that puck in the nuts like a champ.

I'm inspired.

Hey, guys! We're making a giant burrito.

It'll be a hockey bag full of pucks and nuts,

covered in gravy.

I'm calling it... the Yarbo.

Hey! I was still musing!

It's my turn. I'm going to be bigger

than vlogging sensation Casey Neistat.

Ah, I can't concentrate, I'm too excited.

Okay, let's do this. Spread your legs,

and pretend I'm not aiming for your crotch.

Hang on. Why are we wingin' the puck at my junk?

How am I going to wing a puck at my own junk?

- Yeah, I guess you got a point. - It's just physics, buddy.

Does anyone in here know how to put a stupid password

into a stupid router?

- With no strings attached? - And that would benefit us how?

Fine. What are your strings?

One string, very reasonable.

- Hey! The WiFi is locked. - Is it?

Huh. I'm online.

Oh, that's right. I'm the only one who has the password.

I and I alone have access to the World Wide Web.

- I have it too. - Well, of course you...

Geez, I was having a friggin' moment over here.

Unbelievable.

Michelle said she was going to the city to buy a romper,

but according to this, she stayed home.

Huh, probably just sewed a shirt to her shorts.

Here you go, guys. Hey!

Are you on my WiFi? How did you crack the password?

Ease up on the paranoia there, Mr. Robot.

We don't need WiFi. This tracking system works on GPS.

What are you tracking?

- People. - Davis!

Whoops! Don't tell anyone. Legal reasons.

Wait, are you tracking me?

No, I wouldn't do that to a friend.

- Here, have a friendship bracelet. - Aww, that's sweet.

Hey, since we're friends, what's the WiFi password?

Nice try.

"N-I-C-E... Hmm...

That's odd. According to Zeke's tracker,

he's been in that dumpster for hours.

Hmm. He's usually only in there 20 minutes, tops.

You better investigate that. I'll stay here

and keep track of Michelle's web of lies.

I'm on it.

And let Lacey know her password doesn't work.

Hey, Lacey, I'm putting together a film crew

to shoot a viral video of Oscar.

Do you know anyone with a movie camera, and some lights?

Probably going to need one of those best boys

I keep hearing about.

Oh, sure, I can get you all that.

Plus a crane jib, and James Cameron to direct.

- No, no, I'll be directing. - You don't need all that.

You can just shoot a video with your phone.

I can? Movie camera and egg timer?

This is one hell of a rig.

Your fluffy cousin tried to kill me! This is payback!

H'yah! Tell your friends!

Oscar, can you come here?

The old "step-on-a-rake, smack-in-the-puss" routine.

Come on, stupid. Find your mark.

Oh... Well, this could hurt someone.

Dammit.

You left the rake on the... Whoa!

Dammit!

Dammit!

Huh? Oh... Oh!

Hmm... Something's off.

- Are you wearing a cup? - No.

Who's there?

Okay, I'm wearing a cup. I might have kids someday.

I don't want them coming out dented.

You want to go viral or not?

Okay, let me explain the concept of a nut shot.

I provide the shot, and you provide the rest.

Wouldn't a shot to the noggin be just as entertaining?

- Ah! - Nope.

Oh man! I can't believe how long

that cat stays clamped on this guy's crotch.

Hang in there, kitty!

You got WiFi? Wanna set up a hotspot for me?

Not as much as I wanna tell you to get stuffed.

The information highway's a lot faster

without all you Winnebagos clogging it up.

Beat it.

Ah, should have gotten her to pay for those chips.

Ah, well. Whoa-ho!

That cat's still latched on there.

Whew! How much longer does this...

Eight more minutes?

Anything to eat today?

What's the point of going out for lunch

if you can't post pictures of your food online?

- You could talk to your wife. - We have been talking.

About how there's no free WiFi.

Hmm, well, maybe if you both ordered burgers and fries,

and dessert, and tipped 20%,

- I could do a little something for you. - Intriguing.

Could you also give me the password?

That's what I meant.

What did you think the "little something" was?

Yeah, Won. What did you think?

Don't share this with anyone,

or I'll have to change the password.

Like you know how to change the password.

- Okay, we promise. - Hmm.

Turns out Zeke's not dead in a dumpster,

- but my heart is. - You should notify his next of kin.

I said he's not... Are you listening to me?

Zeke threw my friendship bracelet in the garbage.

Maybe he's not into jewelry

that looks like it was made by a seven-year old girl.

I don't know about this tracking thing.

Are you kidding me? You're a genius for coming up with this.

See? Looks great on me.

Brings out the colour of my wrist.

I don't know. It doesn't feel like it's paying off.

Uh-oh. Rheena's about to park illegally.

You could write the ticket on the way to give it to her.

That would give me time to make a new bracelet for Zeke,

with more masculine colours.

Go get 'em, tiger!

That's it. Say good night, Gilligan.

This'll be gold.

Oh, whoa... Yeah.

Seriously? When has any human ever

gotten in a hammock without...

Grr...

Ow!

Psst! Here's the password.

No sharesies.

Ugh, dammit, woman!

Why bring me lemonade if I can't reach it?!

Wait until he finds out it's not lemonade.

Stalking anyone in particular, Mom?

You scared the bejesus out of me. Quit being so sneaky.

Says the woman crouched in a shrub.

Do you know how long I've been in here trying

to get a video of Oscar falling out of that hammock?

Oh, sorry I interrupted.

That would have been... hilarious.

Mom's got a ringer.

Dad. It's only a matter of time

before she gets a video of him doing something stupid.

If her video goes viral before ours,

I'll never hear the end of it.

We've got to ratchet this up.

- Did you run all the way here? - No, I drove,

but you've got a long driveway. Whew.

I see you leaving that bakery, Michelle.

Gluten-free, my ass.

Well, that was a waste of time.

Didn't you give Rheena a ticket?

I tried, but she hadn't parked yet, and said I couldn't

give her a ticket for thinking about doing a crime.

Then we spent half an hour

arguing the plausibility of Minority Report.

It didn't save me any time,

and Rheena's extra mad at me. This GPS thing sucks.

- I'm shutting it down. - No!

I finally know what everyone is up to.

Not everyone, because not everyone

- in town has a bracelet. - What?

Who doesn't have a bracelet, and what are they doing?

You need to buy more tracking tags.

Forget it. The power's gone to your head.

- Also, it's too much work. - Oh, you're right.

Ugh, can't believe how sucked into this technology I got.

- Give me the car keys. - Why?

I need to get away from the screen.

Clear my head, maybe take a nap.

What the... What's with the endless buffering?

Are you online? How'd you get the password?

- What are you, CSIS? - What's CSIS?

That's just what someone in CSIS would say.

All you have to do is order a lot of food,

and Lacey will give you the password.

- But don't tell anyone. - Tell no one.

What's a gal gotta do to monopolize the Internet around here?

Merge with Time Warner?

Huh? Hunter?

I am not chasing that dog again.

Don't...

Don't you... Don't even...

Oh, great. Now I have to give Helen a ticket

for not picking up after her stupid dog.

This program's killing me.

Why is Zeke the highway?

Wait. Karen has Zeke's bracelet.

Where is she going?

So... Frodo is about to throw the ring into the river of fire,

when he changes his mind and keeps it,

and that sense of betrayal Samwise felt

is not unlike what's burning in my chest right now!

Aw, are you talking about the Godfather?

No, that's Fredo!

But there's also betrayal in the Godfather,

so let's go with that. Bottom line,

you gave up the password. You Fredoed me.

Aw, I'm sorry.

It only seemed fair to make people order food

since I'm the only one paying for WiFi!

Well, I'm going to change the password,

and I'm not telling anyone what it is,

including you, Frodo. Uh, Fredo.

Where did we leave off with this?

You can't just shut me out of my own WiFi.

Oops, just did, and you're never going to guess the password.

- Is it "Lacey betrayed me?" - Not anymore.

So, you want me to jump off the ladder onto a ball,

bounce onto the skateboard,

roll through a hoop of fire,

and smash crotch-first into a teeter-totter?

Yeah, but make it look natural.

I don't think hula hoops burst into flames naturally.

You're overthinking.

You're too aware of what's... Hold on, that's the problem!

It's also the solution.

- Hey, Dad! - What?

How's it going with that prank video Mom's

shooting of you that you're now totally aware of?

You son of a bitch.

Hey, don't talk about my mom like that.

You're trying to make me look stupid?!

You always look stupid.

I just want to share you with the world.

How many views does an old man yelling usually get?

Depends if that hand-in-the-water trick works,

- and he wets himself. - Who wet himself?

And why am I getting a manicure?

We had an agreement. We order too much food,

- and you give us free WiFi. - Well, you had free WiFi,

and you got a delicious meal,

- so everyone should be happy! - We're not.

- You owe us WiFi. - Lacey stole our WiFi!

- Give us our WiFi back. - Yeah!

You've been stealing my Internet for years.

This is all because of that stupid signal booster.

Oh, I should go smash it.

Yeah, but you don't know where it is.

Oh, don't I? I'm going there right now

to smash it into a million pieces. If you want to stop me,

you're going to have to get there first.

- She's bluffing. - Or is she?

Are you calling my bluff on the bluffing?

Film all you want.

I'm not gonna be the star of your dumb thing.

The competition is out.

Hank, go run 'nad-first into that tree!

What? W-We talked about this. I'm too aware.

Then close your eyes and run into the tree.

Forget it! I'm out too.

So... you went and bought more tags

- to track the rest of the town, huh? - What? No!

Aw, man! Have you been tracking me this entire time?

That is not a friendly way to dispose of a friendship bracelet.

- Did you see everywhere I went? - If you're asking

if I know that you went to a laser hair removal place, then no.

Okay, wow. This really is an invasion of privacy.

- Experiment over. - Oh, thank god.

- Friends again? - Work friends.

Good enough.

Then, as your friend, I have to say,

laser hair removal? Why?

You can barely see your mustache.

This is the longest you've gone without being an idiot, Oscar.

- Knock it off! - Come on, Hank.

Just follow your natural doofus instinct.

I don't have to take this.

The verbal abuse, the physical abuse.

If you want to film something,

film me walking away. Whoa!

Aah! Cucumber!

Aah! Kale!

- Did you get it? - I got it! Did you get it?

- I did! - We both got it!

The production value on this

will get us to the top of "Hard in the Nards."

Again, I can't stress enough. Do not Google any of that.

I need to see that tracking thingie.

Oh, we're not doing that anymore.

I need to know where everyone in town is going.

Trust me, you don't want to know.

- Show me! - Jeez, okay.

- Explain how this works. - This is you at the police station.

The other blue dots are whoever's wearing a tag.

Looks like a mob of them are coming down Main Street.

They're coming towards the police station.

But... they're supposed to go towards the booster.

Unless...

Eight metres.

Six metres.

Two metres!

That can't be. That's inside the room.

It's reading right, man!

They're on the roof. Wait, where'd Lacey go?

Ha ha! Suckers!

I knew you'd want to protect the booster.

The tracking devices Karen and Davis put on you

- led me right to it. - Tracking devices?

We're being monitored?

Uh... don't you have a booster box to protect?

Too late! Ha ha!

There. WiFi problem solved.

Oh, is it? I'm still the only one with the password.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

- And I'm the only one with a cleaver. - We should talk.

How's our video doing?

- We rich and famous yet? - Far from it.

- Check the comments. - "Two-camera shoot."

"This is fake." "Totally staged."

How dumb are these people that they can't enjoy real stupid?

Oh, don't lose faith in the stupidity of the Internet.

There's half a million hits on "Hottie Meat Cleaver Mama

Loses It On Police Station Roof."

Will you stop showing that to people?

Hey, they called you "Hottie."

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ The same things you don't know ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ I just... don't know ♪

- ♪ Ooh ♪ - ♪ It's a great big place ♪

- ♪ Ooh ♪ - ♪ Full of nothin' but space ♪

- ♪ Ooh ♪ - ♪ And it's my happy place ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~