Original subtitles

Really, ladies and gentlemen, you ought to be here tonight.

Everybody who is anybody is here.

The excitement is at fever pitch.

The audience is in an absolute uproar.

It looks like Mr Russell is chewing on a bit of Mr Walton's right ear.

No. It's his left ear.

No, I was right. It's his right ear.

I say, Mr Russell.

It's a lot of cheek they have coming in late, eh?

I beg your pardon ladies and gentlemen. I am most awfully sorry.

The great American tenor, Mr Robert Densmore.

That superb artist is here.

With his beautiful bride to be. Miss Marcia Trent.

I say.

Is he really going to marry her?

Blimey, yes. It's in all the papers.

She looks a bit of alright to me, she does.

Some people do funny things to earn a living.

Terribly exciting, isn't it.

A chap with any experience at all ..

Can tell with half an eye, she's strictly on the "take" side.

Has he been giving? - Has he?

Why just last week he gave her a pearl necklace and an Irish hunter.

And how about that Polo pony costing hundreds of pounds?

Polo pony, my eye.

It was a full-blooded Arabian horse.

Oh well, perhaps you're right. - Come on, boys. Have a bit of a go.

Righto.

Hold on to your hats, folks. He's coming right at me.

Hello mother. I'll be home presently.

The main event ought to be better than this.

Between Reginald Cline of Liverpool and the American, Max Scanlon.

Mike Scanlon, an American? - Hmm.

He's the favourite.

They say he is some bone-crusher.

Will you tell me please where we can find Mr Hamilton?

Right over there, governor. In Mike Scanlon's room.

Oh, thank you, sir.

Come in.

How are you, Mr Hamilton?

That's me.

What can I do you for, boys?

Oh, Mr Hamilton. There is a matter of a statement.

Oh, gentlemen of the press, eh?

I suppose you want to hear our life story?

Well I'll make it short and snappy.

I was born in a log cabin in the middle west.

At the age of fourteen I took to splitting rails.

After, as I grew up, the folks round the country wanted me to run for President.

Hold on.

Ain't you speaking of Abraham Lincoln?

Who's he? Don't tell me he's using that same story.

But what about your finances?

I was just coming to that my friend.

See it's a well-known fact that I never turned an honest dollar.

That is "down". - Then you're a man of means?

Means?

Say, get me to tell you how I parlayed a mere pittance into a nasty fortune.

That's good news. I'm delighted to hear it.

Think nothing of it my friend. Always glad to give the press a statement.

And we're glad to give you ours.

What are these? - Bills.

Bills? - Bills.

And when are you going to pay them?

Get away from me, boys. You're bothering me. I've got no time for these trifles.

Trifle or no trifle.

Unless these bills are settled at once we'll have you placed in custody.

Does custody mean jail?

That's correct.

Well, being you're so stubborn about it I'll pay you off after we win the match.

Very well, sir. In that case.

We will wait.

Righto, Mr Hamilton. You're on next.

Come on, Mike.

Stick around, fellahs. Don't go away.

I'll be back in a half hour with a halfpenny.

You'd better, Mr Hamilton.

Or it will be jail for you in the morning.

What are going to do about those guys, Ham?

Shush. It's a cinch. I got it all fixed.

My boy, you're going to lose tonight. - But the papers say I'm going to win.

Don't believe everything you read.

But I'm the favorite.

Exactly. That's why I've bet on the other guy to win. At long odds.

Look, we'll get enough sugar here to pay our bills and go home on the upper deck.

Well, it will shake my confidence.

But I guess I could lose if I tried hard.

Ah, you're a bright boy.

Go up. Put on a good show. When you get a little tired, lie down and take a nap.

Then we get out of here with plenty of gloop.

Want to make a little bet on the main event?

Yes.

I'll take the American.

Right. Ten pounds on Mike Scanlon.

Put up your money. - Give me ten pounds.

And your ten pounds.

I'll hold the stakes.

Come on, come on.

Now then, put a jerk into it. Shake hands.

Remember, gentlemen. Above all, you're sportsmen.

No biting, kicking, strangling or other unfair tactics.

Now, any questions?

Are you English? - Most definitely, sir.

Then tell me, how much is ten pounds?

It all depends on the rate of exchange.

You have to exchange it?

Not until after Christmas. What are you worried about?

Exchange. Get over there.

Hey, you see that Jane down there. She just bet ten pounds of dough on me.

Listen. You just think about the dough I bet against you.

Oh, she's got everything. - Yeah, and we ain't got nothing.

Remember, you've got to lose so we can win. Now come on, get in there.

Don't forget what I told you, you mullet-head.

Get it going. The man is calling you.

You've never looked better.

Hey.

I said keep your eyes off that dame and mind your business, will you.

Hey, slug!

It's your bedtime. Go to sleep.

The collectors. Jail.

Hey, referee. Call it off. He's killing my man.

How am I doing?

Just lovely.

Come on, roll over you mug.

Come on, get up. Don't be afraid of that mug.

Get in there, will you. - I can't make it.

No he ain't. No he ain't down.

He ain't down.

It's robbery, it's robbery.

The winner!

I was robbed.

You mug.

Send me to jail.

I'm awfully sorry, old boy.

Hiya. I want to see Mr Densmore.

Mr Densmore is not seeing anyone. He has a very nasty cold.

Oh, that's too bad.

A man like him should keep in condition. - It's not condition.

Due to some blighter who stole his coat and exposed him to the elements ..

You're wrong on both counts, buddy.

In the first place the guy was no "blighter".

In the second place, the coat wasn't stolen. It was borrowed.

That's why I'm here.

Oh, you've found it? Oh, how jolly. You must come upstairs at once.

I'll arrange for an immediate reward. Walk this way, sir.

[ Door knocks ]

Come in, come in.

I beg your pardon, sir. This gentleman has found your coat.

Fine, fine. Where did you find it?

It was draped over your box at the wrestling matches.

Aren't you the manager of that American wrestler, Mike Scanlon?

Why yes, lady. That's me. Honest "Ham" Hamilton.

Then will you please explain just why you took Mr Densmore's coat?

Well I was in a kind of a .. Well, a sort of a hurry to leave.

That's hardly an excuse.

You got me there, lady. Sometimes I do the screwiest things.

Yes, I can believe that.

Bob, dear.

I hate to leave you but I've got a rehearsal you know and ..

Oh, don't worry about me, dear.

It was sweet of you to drop in. I'll be alright.

Look, if there's anything you want, call me at the theater, will you.

Yes, dear.

Don't forget. Take medicine regularly. - Yes, darling.

And quarts of orange juice. - Yes, yes.

Oh, and most important of all.

Don't forget to keep the windows closed.

I'll drop right back after the matinee.

Goodbye, sweet.

Goodbye, darling.

Well.

I hope you realize that stealing Mister Densmore's coat cost him a concert.

A nice girl. - Yeah. My fianc�e.

Your what? - The girl I'm going to marry.

Oh. - Really.

It all seems to be here.

Don't tell me that dough has been there all this time?

Yeah. Didn't you know?

Oh, sure. Sure.

You know me, honest Ham Hamilton.

I wouldn't take a dime that didn't belong to me.

Poor but honest. That's me.

What's the matter? Broke?

Oh no, not exactly, but ..

If it cost me a nickel to get out of the country, I doubt I'd get out of sight.

Achoo!

Gesundheit.

Gee, it's so stuffy in here it's no wonder you're sneezing.

I'm going to raise one of these windows.

Fresh air. That's what you need. That will build you up.

You got to walk around a little. I think nothing of a 10-mile walk every morning.

To tell you the truth, I don't think much of it myself.

Come on, get out of bed.

Come on, old boy. Get out of bed.

Come on. This will do you good.

Now watch this.

Put your hands way over your head, see.

Down below your knees and then straighten up real quick.

I can't do that. It always hurts my back.

You've tried it before?

Certainly. How do you think I get my pants on?

Now come on, do it will you. Way up high like this.

One .. tow.

Three.

Four.

Five.

Six.

Seven.

Eight.

One.

Two.

Three.

Now, Bob. Don't give up.

Come on, give it a little pep. You'll never get rid of that paunch like that.

Give it a little zip. You know, fingers to the floor.

One, two, three, four.

Don't hurt yourself.

I bet you're in much better condition than you were two months ago.

Yeah, thanks to you. It almost killed me but I guess it's worth it.

Well, come on, baby.

Take your shower and I'll give you a good old rub down.

About the last one you'll get from me. - Look here, Ham.

You're going to my wedding today, aren't you?

Not unless that bride of yours asks me. You know much chance there is of that.

I'm going to miss you, Ham.

I'm going to miss you too, Bob.

Well, I guess it the old, old story of a dame breaking up a beautiful friendship.

Too bad you and Marcia couldn't get along. She's really a swell girl.

You don't know her as I do.

That's just it, because I think she's a phony.

What did you say?

I say I think she'll phone you. - Oh, yeah.

I am afraid you're a hopeless cynic on the subject of marriage, Ham.

Oh no. You got me all wrong, Bob.

I think it's a great institution.

It teaches a fellow a lot of things.

Gets him up early in the morning. Gives him indigestion and headaches.

And a lot of things that he wouldn't get if he'd stayed single.

You know, every woman in the world can drive you crazy.

Except your mother.

Chances are, she drove your old man crazy.

Over.

[ Telephone ]

Get that, will you.

Hello?

Can I speak to Mr Densmore please.

Oh, Miss Trent, huh?

Give me that phone, will you.

Hello, sweetheart.

I've been thinking about our honeymoon, dear.

You know I don't think I shall like Italy at this time of year.

Of course you will, honey.

Ah!

What's that, dear?

I said you will love Italy.

Darling.

Can't I wait in London until ..

Nothing doing. I won't stand for it.

I want to show my lovely bride off.

What's the matter, darling?

Are you alright?

Oh yes. Quite alright, sweetheart. I'll call you later.

Goodbye, darling.

Now there is a gal with original ideas.

You go to Italy and she spends your honeymoon here in London.

Very nice. - Look here.

Why not go to her and talk it over?

I'm sure you could straighten things out with her if .. if you'd only try.

Then we could all be together.

Very clubby. Three on a honeymoon, huh?

Ham, please. For my sakes, will you?

Alright, just for you. I'll even be friendly with her.

Thanks, that's a pal.

I wouldn't do this for anybody else. - I appreciate it, Ham.

Good luck.

I'll need it.

We are gentlemen of the press. When can we see Mr Densmore?

Not a chance, boys. He's getting married today and he's in training.

Yes, but we must have a story.

Well, I always like to oblige the press. Just put this down.

When I was a boy six years old I was chopping down cherry trees.

Then as I grew older I was throwing silver dollars across the Potomac river.

I beg your pardon but we know the story about George Washington.

Oh you know everybody, don't you.

We want to see Mr Densmore. - You haven't got a chance.

Men, I told you before. He's doing his road work. He's rehearsing his "I do's."

But you might put down there that honest Ham Hamilton will be his best man.

And as you know the best man always wins.

Break it up, boys. I'm in a hurry.

Greetings, neighbour.

I want to see Miss Trent. Ham Hamilton calling.

I am sorry, Mr Hamilton. Miss Trent cannot be disturbed.

She is having a massage.

A massage?

Well listen, just tell her ..

I'm sorry, sir. We cannot tell her anything.

Oh, I say my good fellow.

Get my car for me, will you. - Yes, sir.

Why you muscle bound mullet-head, where you been?

Oh, hello Ham.

Come on, let's have it.

Let go of my head.

Well it's like this. I got myself into a soft spot.

Hey, Ham. Cut it out.

Go on. Talk, talk.

Listen.

I'm a physical instructor to a dame who is marrying a mug with plenty of dough.

After that, she shakes him and I'm in.

I mean, marry her.

Come up and see me. I life at 406 Plymouth Road.

South east. - Wait a minute. Who's the dame?

You know. She was there with him on the night of the match and bet on me.

That's why I had to cross you up.

Hey? You mean that dame was kidding you?

Yeah, but she wasn't kidding.

Get it? - Yeah, I get it.

Thanks, pal. Keep in touch with me.

Thank you.

Hi, neighbour.

I'd like to see Miss Trent.

What do you want?

Miss Trent, I've got to see you right away. It's very important.

Very well. Come in.

What happened to you?

Oh, I guess there was too many of them for me.

Too many of whom?

Creditors, collectors, bailiffs.

What on earth are you talking about?

I've just left Mr Densmore's home. I ran into about fifty of those bums.

They threatened all sorts of things.

Listen, we got to do something for him, Miss Trent. We got to save him.

He's broke.

Broke?

Don't you understand? The guy's been juggling checks for weeks.

His back is up against the wall.

They'll take everything he owns including all this junk he gave you.

I'll send it all back. Everything.

That's a good idea, as it's the only way you'll keep your name out of the papers.

Why didn't he tell me?

As if losing him money would make any difference.

Doesn't it? - Certainly not.

I'll love him as long as I live.

But for his own good, I shall never see him again.

I say .. doesn't that belong to the future Mrs Densmore?

Wrong on both counts, buddy.

This stuff don't belong to her and she ain't going to become Mrs Densmore.

Take it easy, take it easy. There is nothing wrong.

Just that the wedding has been called off.

The horse is scratched.

Miss Trent is returning Mr Densmore's little knickknacks.

What of the jewels?

We're going to get all that out of hock in the morning.

Happy day, sir. - Good luck.

Best wishes.

I hope you'll be very happy, sir.

Thank you. Thank all of you.

This is one day I'll never forget.

There he is.

How does it feel to be a bride-less bridegroom?

America's greatest opera singer gets the gate.

At least she didn't leave you waiting at the church.

Better luck next time. - What will you take for the horse?

Well, gentlemen. It looks like the drinks are on me.

If you boys will follow me, I'll give you all the details.

[ Telephone ]

Hey, don't answer that. Don't answer anything.

No.

This stuff is a little strong, ain't it?

Ah, listen. Take it easy, Bob.

What does a jilter to you? I knew a dame was going to jilt me.

But I beat her to the punch and I jilted her first.

You know what I did?

I sent her a record of me laughing.

She sent it back to me the next day all smashed to bits.

Did I show her.

Ham, you're a tonic.

Blood or hair?

Hey .. let's get packed.

Packed?

You mean we're going bye-bye on a choo-choo?

We are. As far away from this town as possible. Come on.

Hey, I know where we'll go, Bob. Paris.

I know a guy that went over there and had a terrific time.

And he didn't even know the language. Ha ha.

No. Everybody in Paris knows me.

How about Switzerland? - Everyone in Switzerland knows me.

Oh. How about China? - Everybody in China ..

I know, I know. Everybody knows you in China.

There must be a place where they ain't heard of you.

And Turkey?

You won't like Turkey. Full of auction joints.

You know, one day I bid for a slave girl there.

And I got a couple of camels instead.

There is where we'll go.

Where? - There.

We can't get in there.

No, you sap. Can't you hear? The blue Danube. Budapest.

It is sir, more mail again for Mr Densmore.

Oh it is, is it.

Put it there.

Scrim.

You mean "scram"?

Hey, Bob .. get a load of this.

Letters from dames all over the world.

All after that penguin that gave you the chill.

Don't refer to Miss Trent as a penguin.

Now listen, baby.

The only way you're going to forget her it to fight fire with fire.

Dames with dames.

You lose one, you take on another.

But don't ever take them serious.

Is that the way you take them?

I take them any way I can find them. But you ..

You got the pick of dames all the way from Hoboken to Jalopy here.

All sizes, colors and shapes.

Just a minute. I'll pick one out for you.

Let's see what we got here.

Oh boy, this is a peach. Listen.

"Dear Mr Densmore, I know how you feel because I was jilted myself four times."

"Let's get married."

"I have been a great admirer of your voice for years."

"My heart bleeds for you."

"By this time, she must need a transfusion."

"I enclose a recent photo."

I'll bet she's a beauty.

Well, I'll be blowed. Strangle-hold Helen.

I jilted this dame six years ago.

You wouldn't care for her. She's the clinging vine type.

Ham. All I ask is to be left alone.

I am not interested in what the public thinks of my private life.

Now will you please keep quiet. - Okay, comrade. I'm shut.

But tell me, why are you drinking all that shellac?

What do you suggest I do with it? - Put a little soda with it.

I don't like soda. Gives me a headache. - Now look here, Bob.

You ain't kidding anybody. You're just drinking yourself into an early grave.

Not a bad idea.

Wait. What do you mean "not a bad idea"? What's the reason for that remark?

You ain't thinking of .. - Don't worry. I'll hang around.

I haven't given up the idea of getting Marcia back.

You mean you're going back for a return bout after she gave you that last toss?

I can't believe she did it on her own.

Someone must have influenced her.

Hmm.

You didn't by any chance ..? - Who me? Listen ..

I'm for you. I'm in your corner at all times. All I do is for your own good.

[ Door knocks ]

Come in.

I'm Jim Trask of the Paris Tribune. Mr Densmore ..

You're in the wrong joint, buddy. I'm Mr Ham Hamilton. And this is John Smith.

I see.

Well, my paper would like a statement from Mr "John Smith".

About Marcia Trent's marriage.

What did you say?

I said Marcia Trent was married.

Are you positive?

She married her physical instructor this morning.

A gentleman by the name of Scanlon.

Gentleman? That lug.

He ain't no physical instructor.

He ain't even a good wrestler. Ah, this must be a gag.

It may be a gag about his being an instructor.

But they were sure married this morning.

Relax, Ham.

Thanks for the information, Mr Trask.

Anything you'd like to say, Mr Densmore?

Say? What is there to say except my heartiest congratulations.

What's the matter, mug? You blind?

Did you see me give you the offer to sign off?

Sure, I saw you. I thought you were playing traffic cop.

You'd be a great guy to break the news to widow Murphy.

Bob.

Bob .. Bob!

He's gone. - Where?

How do I know. Where's the nearest bridge? - Why?

Listen, we got him leaping. Anything can happen. We must find him.

Bob .. Bob!

Give me the Tribune office City desk.

Where you going? - Police headquarters.

Hi Wheeler, this is Trask. Hey, play this up big.

Robert Densmore, concert singer, shocked at ..

Wait a minute. Give me the phone.

Hello, operator? Give me Police headquarters.

Listen, you put anything in the paper I'll punch you ..

Police headquarters?

Listen, I want a bridge and tower watch for Robert Densmore.

A bridge.

Listen.

What is Brooklyn at the other end of?

No! A bridge, for the love of ..

Hey, listen. One of us is speaking the wrong ..

A bridge.

Listen .. oh, call the whole thing off. I'll be right over there.

[ Hungarian language ]

Boys, boys. Wait a minute.

How many times have I got to tell you? Mr Robert Densmore, an opera singer.

Listen, I ain't making a penny on it.

Can't I get it through your thick skulls the only Hungarian I know is "goulash".

Get me somebody around here who talks in my native tongue will you.

Hey, you speak English?

Yah, Better I speak English to your service cats.

I didn't miss a syllable. Now look.

I look. Shoot.

Giving me that double talk, huh?

A friend of mine is going to jump off of a bridge.

Bridge? - Yeah, bridge.

Bridge.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Nobody wants to play no bridge.

Look boys, look. Put down those cards.

This is a bridge here. Understand?

The man is on top of the bridge and going to jump off, see.

Like this.

Never mind that, boys. I'll handle the whole thing myself.

Sorry to bother you.

Well Mr Densmore, I see you haven't jumped off that bridge yet.

Bridge? What bridge? Oh no.

I want to stay as far away from water as possible.

I know just how you feel.

But that's no reason for wanting to leave this gay old world behind.

It's not a game. Very sad.

Sit down and have a drink. - I don't mind if I do.

Bartender!

Another glass.

Thanks for listening to my story, Mr Trask.

That's the truth. The whole truth. And I'm stuck with it.

We got to do something about it.

Yes, we got to get an idea for you to do away with yourself.

You're a pal.

But you got to promise to give me the exclusive story on it.

I'll give it to you as soon as I'm dead. - That's a deal.

I'll do everything I can to push you off the deep end.

Thanks. I appreciate that.

Now let's see.

You don't like bridges.

And I don't suppose you're a good shot?

I can see that poison has no effect on you.

That doesn't leave us very much.

Wait a minute.

Marietta.

That's it. Come on.

Felix.

Felix.

Good evening, Mr Trask.

A ringside table for one gentleman and one newspaperman.

What about the proposition?

You just leave everything to me. You're as good as dead already.

In a minute, you're going to see the gorgeous Marietta.

Marietta?

What's she got to do with the proposition?

Everything.

Marietta's fianc�e is the most famous swordsman in Europe.

Did you ever hear of Spadissimo?

Spadissimo?

Spadissimo is so insanely jealous of Marietta ..

That if a guy so much as looks at her.

He challenges him to a duel.

And he always kills his man.

That's where you come in.

You mean .. all I've got to do is ..?

Flirt with this Marietta, and this Spadissimo ..?

I guarantee it.

What an idea.

What an exit. What a pal.

What a story. - Waiter!

Yes, sir?

Will you bring Mr Densmore a pot of steaming black coffee.

Nothing to drink?

What do you think we're going to do with the coffee? Curl our hair?

Where was you?

Listen, I've been in every hospital and morgue in this city looking for you.

What for? I'm alright.

You remember Mr Trask here, don't you? - Yeah. The mug.

Say, Trask has convinced me you're right.

You remember telling me about fighting fire with fire?

Loose a girl, get a new one. - Boy, is she a pip.

Yeah? Who's the dame? What does she look like? Let's take a squint at her.

He tells me after I meet her, I'll never have to worry again.

Gee, Bob. That's great. She got a friend?

Ladies and gentlemen.

I take great pleasure in presenting to you.

The fascinating, captivating ..

Marietta.

There she is. That's her.

It would be just my luck to end up with the dummy.

Pull down my brace, my legs are showing.

Quiet, Clementina.

[ Singing: ]

"If we should kiss while waltzing like this."

"Let's blame it on the Danube."

"If muted strings say heavenly things."

"Let's blame it on the Danube."

"If I get gay on too much Tokay."

"And recklessly say: be mine."

"Who knows if this is love."

"Or just the magic of .."

"The music and sparkle of wine."

You're moving your lips.

"Don't blame it on my heart."

"But blame it on the Danube."

"For making this night .."

"So .. divine."

How do you go about meeting her?

How do you go about meeting her.

Just give her a little nudge in the ribs and say "Hiya babe".

No. Send her a note and ask her for a dance.

Ah, you're playing by the old rules.

That fool American doesn't know that our master Spadissimo will kill him.

He will be number forty-five.

Wonderful.

We must telegraph Spadissimo immediately.

What do you mean, immediately? At once!

Oh Nadia.

He swallowed up my feeder with such a look.

Quick. Tell me.

What does it say in the cards?

Marietta.

A note from Robert Densmore. The great American concert singer.

Robert Densmore.

Look, Nadia. Look.

Before you get excited.

What about Spadissimo?

Well, what about him?

It's only his idea I'm in love with him.

You know that he will kill anyone who falls in love with you.

Ah yes. You're right.

Tell Mr Densmore I have to refuse his kind invitation.

But Spadissimo is out of town.

Come and join the gentleman.

It will be good publicity for my caf�.

Yes. - Hurry, huh?

Don't keep him waiting. - Alright, alright.

Marietta, wait.

First I must see if there is a dead concert singer.

Good evening. I'm Robert Densmore.

Yes.

I sent you a note. - Yes.

Shall we dance?

Yes. - Thank you.

You know.

When I came to Budapest.

I wasn't looking for romance.

But something seems to have inspired me.

Is it true what's said about the Danube? - What do you mean?

[ Singing: ]

"If we should kiss."

"While waltzing like this."

"Let's blame it on the Danube."

"If muted strings say heavenly things."

"Let's blame it on the Danube."

"If I get gay on too much Tokay."

"And recklessly say: be mine."

"Who knows if this is love .."

"Or just the magic of .."

"The music and sparkle of wine."

"Don't blame it on my heart."

"But blame it on the Danube."

"For making this night .."

"So .. divine .."

He's given this little Budapestian a car, jewels.

Even the Romanov tiara.

I guess he didn't lose his dough after all.

Certainly he didn't.

Yeah, but honey you left him because you loved me.

Not because you thought he'd lost his dough.

I might as well have married a rowing machine.

Don't get sore at me babe, just because your Ex has found himself another girl.

You're just jealous of her, that's what.

I'm jealous of that tiara.

Will you stop those infuriating exercises!

And what's the big idea?

You used to say you loved me because I was as strong as an ox.

Yes but I thought you were smarter than one.

You mean that I'm done?

No, I am.

For marrying an exercising machine instead of a man.

Now get out .. get out!

I do mean it .. get out!

You're just like all the other dames.

Take the best years of a guy's life and then throw him overboard.

Get out!

There he sits again.

Night after night he waits for Marietta.

Yes. They are always together.

And have you seen the beautiful things he bought her?

Well, he ought to be buying himself a tombstone.

He's going to need it.

Boom.

Spadissimo will be back tomorrow or the next day and you know what will happen.

Well, it was your idea.

You said it was good for the caf�.

Yes, but you've carried this thing too far.

And now it is bad for my caf�.

Oh, one minute it is good for your caf� and the next it is bad for your caf�.

It's always your caf�.

Does it ever occur to you that I might have other interests?

Goodnight, Felix.

Marietta, listen to me.

No good will come of it. - Oh shut up.

You talk too much.

Marietta.

Marietta.

Marietta.

Marietta!

Have you read the papers?

About your Marietta and the American concert singer?

I have. He is number 45 on my list.

You will challenge him tonight?

And kill him tomorrow?

That is a certainty.

But for now I must go to my Marietta.

And newspapermen, you may follow and get your pictures.

I have never before killed an American concert singer.

It will be most enjoyable.

Come, Boris, come Joris.

Bob.

Look, I asked you not to come. You Spadissimo will be here tonight.

Fine. Wherever you are, Marietta.

I've got to be.

Please Bob, for my sake, leave Budapest tonight.

No. That would upset my plan.

Well go back to your hotel and stay there.

It means everything to me.

If it means that much to you ..

I'll go.

Oh thank you, Bob.

You are the grandest person I've ever known.

I'm not so sure of that.

Oh, yes you are.

You've been wonderful to me and I've been very happy.

But you never even tried to kiss me.

Hello.

Hello, Mr Ham.

I don't know what I'm doing here. I guess I'm just kinda lonesome.

Well you are just in time to take Bob back to his hotel.

Goodbye Marietta. - Goodbye.

Thank you.

You're the biggest dope I've ever seen.

Dope? - Yes, dope.

See this little girl, you're buying her jewellery and candy and stuff like that.

What she really wants is a little smack.

Yes. Smack.

A smackeroonie. Hang on a goober.

You get it?

Oh come on, let's get a drink.

Now there is a gal for you.

Just the opposite of that Marcia.

She don't want no wrestlers, she don't want no dough.

She don't care what key you sing in. She just wants you.

You're a pretty lucky guy to have a girl like that.

To hear me rave, you'd think she was my girl instead of yours.

What makes you think she's my girl? - Her peepers you silly buzzard.

There is two things you can't hide: love and a wart on your nose.

Why you've changed so much in the last few days, I don't recognise you.

No seriously, Ham. Do you really think I have changed?

Changed?

The love bug has bit you.

Bob, he's here. Spadissimo is here. - Yeah?

In the main room.

What's all the excitement? Who's here? - Spadissimo.

What's that, something to eat? - You'll find out. Come on.

The one with the little mustache is the American.

The one with the little mustache is Spadissimo.

He don't scare me.

Marietta, give me that.

I will show him that there is only one dummy in your life.

Me.

Oh, but Spadissimo.

This American is nothing.

I was just having some innocent fun.

It's a little joke.

Yes.

But the funniest part of the joke is when I kill him.

That fellah is dancing with our girl. I'll go and kick him in the teeth.

Wait a minute, Ham.

Let me handle this.

I would like to finish this dance if you don't mind.

You know to whom you knock the shoulder? - It is "Little Casino"?

Spadissimo!

Mr Densmore. Please.

You know, cutting in is an old American custom.

And cutting up is an old Hungarian custom.

Now Bob, run quick. Run. - Marietta, unloose that man.

I demand you apologise to both of us. - No, no.

Spadissimo apologise?

Boris! Joris!

It hurt!

We shall fight the duel.

Weapons: rapiers.

Tomorrow morning at dawn on my private estate.

Shall I take a taxi or will you send your car for me?

Densmore.

I shall show you that I come from a family of fighting fools.

Of which I am the biggest.

Come, Spadissimo.

Have a good time today, for tomorrow, you are a dead goose.

Hey, buck it.

I will accept your apology.

If you give it.

Fly away, blimp. - Don't call me blimp.

What is this glove stuff anyway?

Tell me something, balloon.

Have you read any good books lately? - No.

Your boy seems to be over-trained.

Ah, that used to be my racket.

The American don't understand.

Bob, I can't let you go through with it. The story isn't worth it.

Hey, he's got to get out of the country.

What for?

Spadissimo is the best swordsman in Europe.

What?

Why .. why didn't you tell us?

I'll call the thing off. I'll tell the fellow we were kidding.

You'll do nothing of the sort. The duel stands.

After all, all I can lose is my life. - That might be alright for you, but ..

I won't sit around and let the immigrant poke my meal ticket full of holes.

No way.

Hey, fellah.

Mr Spadissimo.

Listen, you're just the guy I want to see.

I've got a great proposition for you.

I do not want proposals. I want only to fight.

Now wait a minute, puss. Don't get yourself upset.

Look. I'm a real high class guy.

Did you ever hear of the Chicago fire? The San Francisco earthquake?

I can do as much for you.

I can book into Madison Square Garden and get you 20 G's a night.

You lie down and take a dive.

Take a dive? But I do not swim.

I am the greatest swordsman in all Hungary. Budapest ..

Whoo, now. Slow down. Now listen.

The first night will be a phony see, a fake. Do you get it?

Then I'll get you a return match in Chicago.

Me, a fake? The great Spadissimo? I cut your heart out for this insult.

On guard!

Oh, pulling a knife on me, huh?

Excuse me, I've got to use the telephone.

Pork pie.

Spadissimo informed us he is duelling with you tomorrow.

And has suggested that we pay you a visit.

What do you want?

I represent the oldest undertaking establishment in Budapest.

Mr Densmore, we would appreciate the opportunity of burying you.

My shop would like to know your preference in flowers.

Aren't you rushing things, gentlemen? After all, I'm not dead.

A mere formality.

We will put our faith in Spadissimo.

He will not let us down.

Take this matter up with Mr Hamilton here.

Boys, get away from me. You're bothering me.

They look a couple of bad embalming jobs. Come on.

And as for you, Miss cheater, what have you to say to your Spadissimo?

Nothing. Except that I am so glad you're back.

Yah. I would have been back sooner but for my poor mother.

It was so hard to leave her.

She is very beautiful, my mother.

She looks just like me.

You love your mother very much, don't you Spadissimo.

Love my mother? Of course I love my mother.

Your mother, anybody's mother.

I love all mothers.

The poor American's mother.

She is not so lucky.

Because she has not me for a son?

Oh yes. But also, if you kill him.

She will no longer have anybody.

She will be left all alone in the world?

Saint Carlo ..

Why you not pick on a man who has no mother?

She will be left alone with her memories.

Just like your mother if you were gone.

You see, Spadissimo.

Mothers are all alike.

They live their lives all over again.

In their little children.

Stop, stop.

You break my heart.

Now I cannot kill him.

No, of course not.

But with my swords.

I can scratch him.

That will not hurt her. - No, no.

Mr Densmore, have you anything to say about your duel tomorrow morning?

My duelling will speak for itself.

One more question. - Yes?

Are you nervous?

Do I look nervous? - You do.

Well gentlemen, you're right. I am.

Now, if you will pardon me.

Get rid of them, Bob. I must talk with you.

Now, if you don't mind I must get a little rest ..

Before leaving for the field of honor, gentlemen. Goodnight.

Marietta.

Bob, I was so worried about you, but now I've come with good news.

Spadissimo has made me a promise you are not to die.

He is not going to kill me?

Isn't he a man of his word? I mean .. what about the duel?

He promises to let you off with just .. a little scratch.

A scratch? But why?

Why, because .. - Oh, I see.

He's afraid of me.

Oh no.

You see, I remembered his one weakness.

It is your mother I tell him about. - My mother?

Oh, how shall I explain.

He has what you call ..

A complex, yes? A mother complex.

Even to hear the word "mother".

His heart goes to pieces and he wets himself all over with tears.

So .. I told him about your mother.

But I have no mother. I .. - Shush. If he knew that he'd kill you.

With a clear conscience and laugh like he did with all the others.

Did you try to save all the others too?

Oh no. I hardly know them.

It's you I .. - You think you know me?

Yes.

Suppose you're wrong? Suppose you should find out I'm selfish and conceited?

Unfair that I had taken advantage of your friendship, that I ..

No, you couldn't.

Because if you did Bob, I couldn't care for you.

And I do care.

How much I didn't know until now.

Marietta.

There is something I must tell you.

You've been very sweet and helpful.

You see.

I've never known a girl like you before.

That's the reason I have to tell you that I ..

That I ..

Oh, Bob.

Are you trying to tell me you love me?

Yes.

Oh it's no use, Ham. Everything I think of only makes it worse.

I give up.

You give up?

Did Washington? Did Lincoln? Valley Forge?

No, we go got save Bob from that Hungarian meat slicer.

Hey, Marietta. Come here.

Hello, Mr Ham.

Say listen, honey.

Come here, we want to talk to you.

Sit down.

We got to stop this duel.

Oh, don't be afraid. Bob will be safe.

Safe? The guy don't know which end of a sword to hold.

Spadissimo will cut him to ribbons. And I'll be a murderer.

What have you to do with it?

The idea came out of his pretty head.

Listen, here is the truth. Bob is in love.

Oh yes, I know. He told me.

Then you know about the dame who jilted him? Marcia.

Marcia? - Yeah.

Bob came down here broken-hearted over it.

Wanted to die.

It goes this way. You see this twisteroo Marcia, gave Bob the big freeze.

So he immediately went into a tailspin and wants to pass out.

Oh please, would you mind saying that again?

I said that Bob has got the freeze .. - Wait a minute, Ham.

What he's trying to say is.

The only reason Bob wants to fight Spadissimo is because he wants to die.

He has lost Marcia and he has nothing to live for.

And that's why he's playing giddy-up with you.

Giddy-up? - Yes, Giddy-up.

It comes from the Latin, meaning: "wanting to play". Do you get it?

Yes. I get it.

I'm sorry, boys. I cannot help you.

I want to speak with Mr Densmore, please.

I beg your pardon. It seems we both want the same man.

I know you.

I saw your picture in the paper. You are ..

"Marietta", or something?

The little dancer Bob was amusing himself with.

Yes, I'm the one.

I believe he had a good time.

Well, he always was easily amused.

Yes, I can see that now.

What is the number of Mr Densmore's apartment?

217, madam.

Operator?

Give me 1-4-9-8-5.

Yes.

Now let's see.

Make it dull.

Mr Densmore has a mother.

[ Telephone ]

Spadissimo speaking.

This is Marietta.

Listen, I have made the most terrible mistake.

Mr Robert Densmore has no mother.

No. He never had a mother.

Never had a mother?

He is what you can an "incubator baby" like a chicken?

Oh, I see.

Marietta. Today his name is Densmore.

But tomorrow it is Goulash.

Goodbye, dearest.

Boris. Joris.

Stop. - Stop?

He has no mother. - No mother?

No mother.

Densmore has no mother.

Poor Densmore.

No mother!

We are going to kill another!

Mr Densmore has a mother.

Mr Densmore .. no more!

I got it.

We'll get the guy deported.

No good. It takes too long. Remember they square off at dawn.

Many things can happen between now and dawn. Murder, arson, mayhem, robbery.

Robbery. That's it.

Say, do you remember reading about the bone jewel store robbery a few days ago?

Oh yeah. We need a robber and Bob pulled the job? - Right.

How do we get him locked up for it though?

As plain as the whiskey on your breath. We get him sign a confession.

What are we going to write it on? - It will only take a minute.

It just needs a signature you know. - Don't worry about that.

Honest Ham Hamilton will take care of all that. Just write.

I, Robert Densmore do hereby confess.

I've told you how I feel about you and that ends it.

You did what you did as you're that sort of a girl.

Selfish, conniving .. - Bob, I think you're most unfair.

Unfair?

Why, I could be arrested for what I'm really thinking.

I know how you feel.

You're hurt and angry. - Wrong. I'm relieved and grateful.

You did me a great favour, Marcia. Thank you.

Now what do you want?

We got a paper here for you to sign. - What is it?

It's the articles for the bout with Spadissimo.

A mere formality. You have to sign before you can duel.

Yeah, it's a sort of license. They got the screwiest laws in this country.

It seems if you want to kill a guy you got to have a license first to do it.

Bob.

What is this about duelling? - It has nothing to do with you.

Where do I sign? - Right here.

It's the famous Mrs Mike Scanlon.

You look to be in good condition for a wrestler's wife.

If you don't mind, I'll get a little sleep. Goodnight.

What do you mean?

I don't mean, keep in touch with me.

Oh say.

You know, when you wed that wrestler, I got even with 2 people at the same time.

Oh!

Scat.

Yes, yes. I'm coming, I'm coming. Take it easy.

What do you want? - You.

Get some clothes on. - You go to jail.

What for? - Robbery.

You are crazy.

You robbed a jewellery store. We have your confession.

I didn't rob a store or make a confession.

That's what you think.

What a beautiful morning it is for to die.

The pig is late for his funeral.

Listen, how she sings.

Oh .. he comes.

Am I too late? Is the duel over?

Oh no, she has not yet begun.

Oh thank heavens. Where is Mr Densmore?

We wait for him, Mademoiselle. Impatiently.

I am the great Spadissimo, and who is Mademoiselle?

I am a very dear friend of Mr Densmore's.

He has sent you here to beg me for his life, no?

Not exactly. You see Mr Spadissimo, Mr Densmore and I are ..

You love him.

Well, yes.

But he would certainly be no good to me dead.

Maestro, he is here.

Hiya, kids.

Where is your Mr Densmore?

He is in jail.

What? - "Sausage" in American.

The police cannot do this to me. Boris, Joris.

Go bring that Densmore here to me at once.

What do you mean "at once"? No. Immediately, maestro.

Won't you call this duel off, please?

For my sake.

For a beautiful woman like you I would do anything.

But you do not understand for what I fight.

But I do. Marietta.

Oh no. Not because of that.

If a woman is fool enough to look at another man ..

When she can have Spadissimo.

Then I am sorry for her.

No. I fight for my honor. For my great name.

For my grounds and for my castle.

No mortgages?

No mortgages.

That sounds most interesting, Mr Spadissimo.

Why don't you call me Anton Philiseppi for short?

That sounds a little difficult.

Might I call you "Seppi"?

Sappy?

Sappy? No, I like it.

I'll have the head of everyone connected with this musical comedy police force.

If you don't get me out of here I'll call out the Marines.

You haven't heard the last of this.

I don't get it. - No, but you soon will.

Spadissimo waits.

Good morning you broken-down bridge players.

Common sense works.

Say, I've got a toothbrush here for Mr Densmore. Is he up yet?

Mo. Mr Densmore is not in.

What do you mean, he ain't in? He's won't play before breakfast.

He has been released. - Who released him?

Two gentlemen. Boris and Joris. - Boris and Joris!

What kind of a joint is this? A guy ain't even safe in jail around here.

Put it back on there.

Don't give me double talk and I don't want to play bridge. Just get it going.

I know where there is going to be a murder committed. Come on, let's go.

Faster, Michael. Faster.

Calm yourself my child.

I will see what it says in the cards.

Yes and why you are looking at the cards, Spadissimo will kill my Bob.

Hurry, Michael. Hurry.

Come on, get it going. I could walk faster than this myself.

Come on, do something!

Do something else.

This duel can't go on. It isn't regular.

No? - No.

The Code Duello calls for each participant to have two seconds.

And Mr Densmore only has one. Me.

You see, he is terribly disappointed, but after all, rules are rules.

Come on, Bob. - Wait.

This can be arranged. - He is right.

I can kill him only according to the rules.

Yes. But the rules also say that in the case of emergency, one second is enough.

Good. Then I too will have only one second.

Boris.

Go behind that tree.

Oh, but Maestro.

Go.

On guard.

Mr Spadissimo, just a minute.

Marietta told me that .. - Duellists do not speak, sir.

I know. But I want to thank you for promising only to scratch me.

I have changed my mind.

You have no mother. On guard!

I think Spadissimo is catching a cold.

He is.

Achoo.

Bless you.

Thank you. - On guard!

Take it easy, friend.

Hey, Marietta.

Mister Ham.

Are you going the same place I'm going? - Oh yes, yes.

Mister Ham. Listen.

I will never forgive myself for telling Spadissimo that Bob has no mother.

Because no matter what he has done to me, I cannot see him die.

What's Bob's mother got to do with it? - Everything.

Spadissimo will not kill a man who has a mother.

But the cards say there is another woman.

Ah yes, I've seen her. She is not so much.

Another woman?

I'll say there is, toots. Come on, get up.

On guard!

Bob.

My baby. My boy.

Get out of my way. Mind your business.

My baby. Oh my little poor kid.

My own flesh and blood.

My son. My baby.

My little poor kid. My own flesh and blood.

Oh .. my own flesh and blood.

My Bob.

Trying to sneak away, huh?

We save you and you fight with the sword.

Up my baby, up.

Oh Bob, my little bambino. Come to my bosom.

My boy, my boy.

My baby, my boy, my boy.

Put your arms around me and make a fuss over me.

Oh, my baby.

Look here, what are you ..? - Shut up, you lug. I'm your mother.

Please don't kill him.

Why didn't you stay in jail? Oh, pull your pants up.

Oh please. Mr Spadissimo.

Spadissimo .. please ..

Spare my little baby.

My little bambino.

Would you take the last rays of sunshine from a poor old mother's heart?

Give the kid a break, will you.

Look. On my knees, I beg of you ..

Oh mother, you must not kneel to me.

You must not cry.

I will not kill him.

I give him back to you. - Oh, bless you, sir.

If you are ever around our way, drop in and have a snort.

Bless you.

Come on, you lug.

Come my boy, let me take you home.

He's alright. - It worked.

Ham saved him.

So sweet.

Come, my little one.

Come on, you mug.

The law.

Get in there. All of you.

Pardon.

We are looking for Mr Ham Hamilton.

For causing a false arrest. Have you seen him?

My son.

Have you seen � Mr Hamilton?

No, mama.

Sorry, buddy. Can't do noth�ng for you.

Hey.

What's this?

You. You!

Hey. Move over. Make way for your mother.

* steve d *