Original subtitles

[ Up-tempo music plays ]

Good morning!

Good morning.

Good morning!

GRFT: [ Roars ]

Good morning.

Good morning!

♪♪

[ Christmas jingle plays ]

All: ♪ We love making toys at the North Pole ♪

♪ For children all around the world, that's our only goal ♪

♪ We have to work fast, Santa's leaving soon ♪

♪ He must deliver all the presents ♪

Hey, look at this spoon!

Both: ♪ La, la-la-la, la-la-la-la, la ♪

♪ I'm making my list and checking it twice ♪

♪ Twee diddly dee, do dippity dice ♪

All: La, la-la-la, la-la-la-la, la ♪

♪ Christmastime is here -- ♪

Ow! My leg!

Oh, my goodness gracious!

This is bad. This is very bad.

Christmas is in three hours! What are we gonna do?!

[ Christmas jingle plays ]

Hey, Pizza Steve,

mind giving me a hand with these Christmas lights?

Sorry, bro.

Really busy decorating the Christmas tree over here.

[ Growls ] Uncle Grandpa,

can you give me a hand with these lights?

Absolutely not, Mr. Gus!

I don't celebrate Christmas.

Really? Then why are you wearing that Christmas sweater?

Oh, I thought it said "cheese mash."

Doesn't matter. I still hate Christmas!

What about Santa Claus?

[ Grunts ] Everybody loves Santa Claus.

[ Spiteful laughter]

[ Crying ]

You know what? Santa is a crazy person!

[ Grunts ] He's a creepy old man

who flies around the world breaking into children's homes

and claiming to make them "happy."

That's all pretty stupid if you ask me.

Uh...

♪♪

[ Both gasp ]

[ Roars ]

[ Whoosh! ] [ Grunts ]

♪♪

[ Screeches ]

[ All scream and grunt ]

[ Creak! Rip! ]

[ Snap! Pop! ]

That was lucky. Wait. Where am I?

Um...merry Christmas?

[ Spiteful laughter]

No! Stop laughing!

[ Wheels squeaking ] What is hedoing here?

[ Grunts ] [ Pop! ]

Well, I actually wouldn't have come here by choice.

[ Grunts ]

-Hmph! -Brother.

[ All gasp ]

Wait. What?!

Text me later, "K," babe?

[Hushed] Gave her a fake number.

[ Chuckles ] So...what I miss?

Uncle Grandpa and Santa are brothers!

[ Whurp! ] Say what?!

Yeah! You guys never saw the resemblance?

[ All gasp ]

But if Santa Claus is your brother,

then why do you hate Christmas?

Because it's the one time of year that reminds me

of my lousy brother, who likes to make me feel dumb.

That's because you aredumb.

All you ever do is mess things up, just like that one day.

Huh?! Take that back! That was yourfault.

It wasn't my fault!

Oh, you are such a dunderhead! You do this every time!

Let's just cut to a flashback so we can all see for ourselves.

Uncle Grandpa: The year was 1983.

I spent all summer writing and choreographing a rap routine

to perform at the USA Talent Time celebrity search.

♪ [ Rapping ] Yo, yo, yo, I'm a rappin' grandpa ♪

♪ Rappy, rap, rap, and a slappity doodah ♪

♪ I'm Santa Claus, I'm a rappin' kind of guy ♪

♪ Check out Uncle Grandpa, he's lookin' really fly ♪

♪ Now slide to the right, wink at your knee ♪

♪ Do the lock-pick if you wanna -- ♪

Aah! Hey! Watch it!

♪ Now you do a little turn, make a little spin ♪

♪ Swing your arms 'round and 'round -- ♪

Ohh! Come on, Uncle Grandpa! Pay attention!

♪ Now you drop to the floor and wiggle all around ♪

♪ Do the slimy worm if you wanna get dow-- ♪

Ohh!

♪ There's no brain inside that head ♪

♪ 'Cause you can't think straight ♪

♪ So you make a hard fist and punch yourself in the face ♪

♪ Now you look real foolish from bein' so clumsy ♪

♪ So you pull out a mallet and smash your face like a dummy ♪

[ Grunts ] [ Shatter! ]

♪ I guess you're feelin' hungry, so you eat a car tire ♪

[ Glug! ] Those aren't the lyrics I wrote.

♪ Then you run around onstage 'cause you think your shoe is on fire! ♪

Huh? What?!

[ Whiffle! ] [ Both grunt ]

[ Both grunt ] [ Spiteful laughter ]

Huh?

[ Laughter continues ]

[ Ominous music plays ]

[ Boop! ] Need I go on?!

I was scarred for years because of Santa, and whenever anyone

mentions Christmas, all I hear is [Gulps] laughter.

[ Sobbing ]

Oh, give me a break with that "tortured sibling" routine.

[ Bell tolls ]

Oh, no! It's Christmas! What are we gonna do?

Who's gonna deliver all of our presents?!

[ Whimpering ]

[ Grunts ] Hey, Uncle G,

one of the elves was just saying how kids

are always leaving milk and cookies out for Santa.

If we volunteer,

that's like a lotof free milk and cookies for us.

And help my ungrateful brother

and these disgusting little freaks?!

Forget it, Pizza Steve. I'm putting my foot down.

-Aah! -Yo, Mr. Gus.

Why don't you weigh in on this?

Yeah, get up here, buddy. Don't be shy.

There's plenty of room.

-Aah! -Do you mind?!

We're trying to have a private meeting here.

What do you think, Mr. Gus?

Should we fill in for my meanie brother and deliver all these

presents or what? Sure. Why not?

You dolike helping kids.

You're right! I dolike helping kids!

Together: Yay!

But I'm not wearing that ridiculous outfit.

I have something much better in mind.

I can't believe we have to wear these dumb costumes.

Uncle Grandpa: Well, what do you guys think?

Everything is 100% practical

for efficient present-delivering purposes.

Are those cotton balls glued to your face?

Yeah, and these extra-long fingernails

help with gripping presents.

They also come equipped with night vision.

Kids are gonna love the new look.

Uh...maybe we should keep things traditional,

Uncle Grandpa.

Nah, I think I'm sticking with this. Thanks.

[ Grunting ] Whew!

Okay. Belly Bag is ready to go.

Belly Beg: [ Muffled ] I don't feel so good!

Just toss that fat sack in the back. You ready, girl?

-GRFT: [ Roars ] -Make sure you listen to Santa

for instructions through your wrist communicator,

Uncle Grandpa.

Listen for the thing in the thing. Got it.

And try not to mess this up like you do everything else.

I think you'll be surprised as to how good I am.

Okay, Giant Realistic Flying Tiger, Christmas ho!

Aah! [ Clatter! ]

♪♪

Okay, what's the first stop?

Your first stop is the Johnsons' house.

They have two girls and one bo-ouch!

What in hot dog's name is a "bo-ouch"?

I don't know. But there's the house.

Remember to go through the chimney gently and quietly.

This isn't my first time entering a house, you know.

Also, I still hate you.

You heard him, Tiger -- gently and quietly. Go!

GRFT: [ Roars ]

[ Whoosh! ]

[ Both screaming ]

[ Boop! ]

What the heck is going on in here?!

Merry morning.

Get out of my house!

[ All panting ]

♪♪

Okay. That wasn't so bad. What's next?

[ Groans ] Little Timmy down the street.

His toys are clearly labeled in the bag.

And if you mess this one up,

I swear I will rip off your mustache and eat it!

Found it. [ Rattle! ]

[ Shudders ]

There's the house!

[ Tink! Zing! ]

[ Boop! ] Careful now.

It's very dark in here.

Mr. Gus: Yeah, I can see that.

Oh, yeah, son. [ Grunts ]

Now, that's what I'm talking about.

[ Munch! ] [ Coughs, gags ]

Gluten-free vegan raisin cookies?

No thanks.

[ Glug! Glug! ] [ Spits ]

Fat-free almond milk?! Give me a break, kid.

[ Zap! ]

Mr. Gus, there's no room down here.

This Christmas tree already gave birth to a bunch of presents.

Hmm. I have an idea.

There we go! And as for you...

Boofa, baby!

♪♪

[ Zap! ] [ Foosh! ]

[ Bubble! ] Careful, now.

It's very dark in here.

Uh, Santa? Is that you?

Oh, hi, Timmy!

[ Whimpering ] Ugh!

-[ Crying ] -Give me a hug!

Give me a [distorted].

Um, uh...

Aaaaaaaaahh!

Good job blowing that one, Santa.

You have some nerve blaming me for all that,

especially since you don't listen to me.

Don't listen to you? That's a great idea!

I guess I'll go with my instincts on this next one. Hmm.

That house looks appropriate -- 1450 North Cherry Lane.

What?! No!

Uncle Grandpa, that house is completely off-limits!

I said I'm not listening to you anymore!

[ Foosh! ]

I think I'm gonna handle this one alone, you guys.

So don't come in after me.

No matter how long I take,

just assume everything is a-okay.

Whee!

[ Whoosh! Plop! ] [ Laughs ]

So, how does it feel always being wrong?

[ Clang! ] Huh? What's going on?

[ Grunting ] Hey! What did you do thistime?

I tried to warn you. This house is off-limits.

Little Sally Smith has been naughty for years!

[ Suspenseful music plays ]

Finally. My collection is complete.

Collection? The Easter bunny?

St. Patrick's Day leprechaun?

Thanksgiving Day turkey? The Veteran's Day velociraptor?!

[ Roars ]

B-But I'm not --

You're not Santa!

I was expecting Santa!

Oh, well.

[ Sweetly ] I'll still cut you a piece of pie.

[ Giggles ] Be right back!

Uh, guys? I actually doneed your help.

Help! Help!

[ Muffled ] Help!

Another one. Another nutcracker.

These are the worst toys ever.

[ Sighs ] Wake me up when you find argyle socks.

Thanks a lot, brother!

You got me into the worst mess possible,

all because of your dumb-dumb Christmas holiday!

Calm down! I know the layout of her house.

I can get you out of there,

but you have to follow my instructions.

What's the point? You'll probably make me mess it up

like you did our rap competition.

That's it!

Elfie, drop a beat and make it extra rappy cool.

Aye, aye.

Uncle Grandpa, listen to me.

♪ [ Rapping ] If you'd like to escape your Christmas cage ♪

♪ Put aside your sibling rage♪

♪ Oh, cool, just like old times ♪

♪ I can do the dance moves to all your rhymes ♪

♪ Slide to the right, wink to your knee♪

♪ Then do the lock-pick if you wanna be free♪

♪ Jump really high to clear that chair♪

♪ Look out for that bear that you didn't know was there♪

♪ So many obstacles all across the floor ♪

♪ If it makes it easier, then slide across the wall♪

♪ If you move fast enough, we could still save Christmas♪

♪ I think we're back in business ♪

[ Roars ] [ Whiffle! Zing! ]

♪ Careful, Uncle Grandpa, and back away real slow♪

♪ Would you look at that? We're right below the mistletoe ♪

Dance break!

♪♪

Whoa! You're even better than Mr. Gus.

♪ All right, Uncle Grandpa, no more dancing with the raptor ♪

♪ If you wanna make it out, you need to move a little faster ♪

♪ You're almost there, things are looking really nice♪

-♪ I'm almost at the door -- ♪ -Hey! I got you a slice!

I give up! Please!

All I ask is that you still give me that pie!

Wait a second! You're Uncle Grandpa!

I didn't recognize you with that costume on.

Sorry if I scared you earlier. How did you escape?

Ooh!

[ Pop! ] Gimme!

By using the influential power of hip-hop.

[ Chomp! ] Mm-mmm.

Also by learning that in order to move forward as a person,

you have to let go of the past.

Oh, I get it.

So you're saying I should let go of all my favorite

holiday mascots

to become a healthy, well-rounded individual?

Uh. Well, I wasn't really trying to relate to your situation.

I was mostly focusing on myself.

All: Yes! Yes! That's what he's saying!

Yeah, I guess you're right, Uncle Grandpa.

[ Click ]

Aside from that lousy pie,

you're not so bad, little Sally.

-See you later! -Bye!

Goodbye, Veteran's Day velociraptor.

And thank you for your service.

[ Roaring ] America!

Well, looks like I saved Christmas after all.

Hardly! It took you forever to deliver

the rest of those presents. It's already spring.

Oh, right. [ Chuckles ]

Guess I should listen to my brother more often.

Eh, sorry for losing my temper all the time.

We domake a pretty good team.

We sure do.

Which means we finally can bury the hatchet.

Why?! Why?!

[ Pop! Pop! ] Thank you, Uncle Grandpa.

-[ Chuckles ] -See you around, huh?

Where are you going, snow buddy?

Snow buddy?!

So, by the time I slayed the dragon and finished

saving the rest of the orphans,

I had built up quite the appetite.

So I did what any amazing person would do,

and I cooked a delicious

seven-course Christmas Eve dinner

for me and all 500 orphans.

It was unbelievable.

Yeah, that sounds unbelievable.

'Cause I don't believe you.

Hey, if Uncle G hadn't insisted on cooking

Christmas Eve dinner for us tonight,

Pizza Steve could have showed you

his holiday meal-makin' skills.

Oh, well. Next year, I guess.

-GRFT: [ Roars ] -Yeah, speaking of dinner,

you almost ready with that food, Uncle Grandpa?

We're starving over here!

Just applying the last finishing touches.

[ Squeak! Squeak! ] Done!

All right!

-GRFT: [ Roars ] -Whoo! About time!

-Hope you're all hungry. -Wow!

You outdid yourself, Uncle Grandpa!

Yeah! I can't wait to eat this.

Wait! I should take a picture of this gorgeous feast

so I'll always remember it.

Can I have my camera, Belly Bag?

Okay, but try to make it quick.

We're all pretty hungry here.

No problem. Say "Cheese!"

Whoops. Forgot to take the lens cap off.

Aw, come on, Uncle Grandpa.

Let's just use our minds to remember this meal.

The food's gettin' cold. Don't worry.

I just got to get the right angle.

Almost got it.

No! Don't step on the cream cheese!

That's butter, not cream chee-e-e-eee!

Whoa!

[ Stammering ]

[ All gasp ]

[ Snarling ]

[ Camera shutter clicks ] I think they liked it.

I hope that picture was worth it, 'cause you just

ruined Christmas Eve dinner andmy mood.

At least those stray dogs got a nice holiday meal out of this.

[ Grumbling ] Unbelievable.

GRFT: [ Roars ] [ Pbht! ]

Are you mad at me, too, Belly Bag?

Ugh. More disappointed than upset.

♪♪

Aw, man. I ruined everything, and I disappointed my friends.

I'm the worst.

Maybe it will be better if I just disappear.

Wuh-oh. You guys hear that?

Yeah, sounds like Uncle Grandpa

is pretty discouraged down there.

Lawrence, you want to handle this one?

Sure. I like his show. Why not?

You'd better hurry.

He's making his way toward the town bridge.

[ Sighs ]

Guess the only thing I can do

to not let any of my friends down again

is to blast myself into faraway outer space

using this conveniently placed jet pack

someone left on the bridge.

[ Whirring ]

Oh, my.

What do you plan on doing with that jet pack?

Gonna launch myself into space and float aimlessly forever

so I won't disappoint my friends anymore.

Oh, dear.

Well, that doesn't sound like a pleasant idea.

Maybe you should come with me instead.

Who are you?

I'm Lawrence, your guardian lobster!

How come I got paired with a lobster?

Just a random compatibility thing.

[ Chuckles ] No worries. Oh.

Come with me. I need to show you something.

That's a little weird, but okay.

[ Crowd shouting ] [ Groans ]

Hey, what's my pal Frankenstein doing with that angry mob?

And why's he so sad-looking?

I'm showing you Frankenstein's life if you didn'texist.

You were the only person who understood him.

But I doexist.

Well, yeah, technically you do, but I'm showing you

a hypothetical world of life withoutUncle Grandpa.

Hypo-therma cool?

Uh...yeah. Come on. Let's keep going.

Hang in there, buddy!

[ Groans ]

Uncle Grandpa: Hey! I recognize that rainbow!

That's Giant Realistic Flying Tiger!

Hey, get that tiger out of here!

We need a defense, not a mascot!

GRFT: [ Meows ] [ Thud! ]

[ Laughs ] Now that'sa hit!

Why doesn't Tiger just quit this job

and go hang out back at the R.V.?

Because if you don't exist, there isno R.V.

But I doexist.

Hypothetical, remember?

Oh, yeah.

Now finish up your hot dog. There's more.

[ Chomp! ] Okay.

[ Chuckles ] Time to, like, pick out an accessory

for this holiday party. Hmm...

Ooh! How about me today? I want to go out!

I match with anything red. I'm very handy. I'm --

Ohh! These wrist bands are cute!

Like, all right!

No, wait! Please!

[ Gasps ] Belly Bag?

Wh-Wh-Who said that? Who knows me?!

It's me -- your best pal

and rightful owner, Uncle Grandpa!

I can't stand to see you neglected like this.

Uh...I don't know any Uncle Grandpas,

but I'd be happy to come and accessorize your outfit...

or carry any of your belongings!

Just get me out of this drawer!

Can I please bring him with me?

Sorry. It doesn't work like that.

Like, what are you strangers doing in my room?!

Gotta go. Sorry, Belly Bag. Stay positive.

Belly Bag: No! Don't go! Don't go! Wait!

Dinner was a good idea, Lawrence.

I think I'm gonna have the lobster. No offense.

I didn't take us here to eat.

Pizza Steve?!

[Flatly] Ahoy, mateys. What be yar order today?

Hey, Pizza whatever-your-name-is.

How many times do I have to remind you to wear the eye patch

while serving customers?!

Sorry, sir.

Hey, you be nice to Pizza Steve!

He's the coolest guy in the universe!

Ha! If he's so cool, where are his sunglasses?

[ Muttering ] Coolest guy in the universe...

[ Gasps ] Pizza Steve's not cool?!

You're Pizza Steve's biggest fan!

If you didn't exist,

Pizza Steve would have nobody to be cool for.

So he works here instead of having a cool lifestyle.

So, can I start ye off with an appetiz-arr?

No! I can't bear to see you like this, Pizza Steve!

[ Sobbing ]

How did that guy even know my name?

I don't know about all this

hippo-theory-school stuff, Lawrence.

It's starting to bring me down.

Sometimes, the truth can be difficult.

If you didn't exist, think of how difficult it would be

for your friend Mr. Gus.

[ Gasps ] Oh, no! Mr. Gus is dead!

[ Sobbing ] Oh, no, no!

No, no!

Mr. Gus: I'm not dead.

Mr. Gus? You're notdead?

No. But all my relatives are.

Me, I'm just dead on the inside.

But you're the best, strongest dinosaur buddy I've got!

You must be in some hypothetical reality,

'cause I don't have any friends.

Now I'm gonna go back to mopping this same spot over and over.

Man, you meet the strangest people here after hours, boy.

Poor Mr. Gus. This is terrible!

Why are you showing me this, Lawrence? Why?!

Because as your guardian lobster, I need to help you

see how much your friends need Uncle Grandpa.

But it's up to you whether or not you want to launch yourself

into space to float aimlessly forever or...

stay with your friends.

I definitely know what I must choose.

[ Engines roaring ]

[ Crash! ] I choose my friends!

I'm sorry I left without making things better!

I'm sorry I almost launched myself into space

to float away forever.

And I'm sorry I ruined dinner

and saw how unfortunate your lives would be without me.

Oh! So that's where you were.

Why didn't you just come back inside?

We're your friends, Uncle Grandpa.

We would have forgiven you for messing up dinner.

I just needed a mysterious guardian lobster

to remind me that no man with friends is a failure.

Oh, don't be so hard on yourself next time, Uncle G.

Yeah, it's all good.

We just ordered takeout from the chicken-wing joint

down the street instead.

Aww! You guys are the best!

[ Doorbell rings ] Chicken wings are here!

Whoo!

Everybody knows every time that bell rings,

Pizza Steve gets his wings.

[ Laughter ]

I don't get it.

Uncle Grandpa: Merry Christmas, everybody!

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

That was quite delicious.