Original subtitles

[ UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS ]

>> Uncle Grandpa: GOOD MORNING!

GOOD MORNING.

GOOD MORNING.

>> GRFT: [ ROARS ]

>> Uncle Grandpa: GOOD MORNING.

GOOD MORNING!

>> RAWR!

SMASH!

CRASH!

BASH!

RAAAAWR!

>> HI, FRIEND.

HOW ABOUT A BIG HUG?

>> CUT!

[ SIGHS ]

YOU REALLY DON'T MAKE FOR THE

BIG, TALL, AND SCARY TYPE.

THIS IS NO WAY TO MAKE A

GIANT-MONSTER MOVIE!

>> Uncle Grandpa: GOOD MORNING,

JAPAN!

[ CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS ]

[ CLICKS SHUTTER CLICKS ]

BREATHTAKING.

>> [ GROANS ]

>> Uncle Grandpa: [ GASPS ]

AKIRA!

WHAT'S GOING ON, BUDDY?!

>> OH, HEY, UNCLE GRANDPA!

WELCOME TO JAPAN.

IT'S SO COOL TO FINALLY MEET

YOU.

>> Uncle Grandpa: I'M REALLY

SORRY, SON...

BUT I DON'T SPEAK JAPANESE!

>> Mr. Gus: UNCLE GRANDPA, THE

KID'S SPEAKING ENGLISH.

>> Pizza Steve: IT'S DEFINITELY

JAPANESE, BUT DON'T WORRY.

PIZZA STEVE CAN TRANSLATE.

HE SAID, "WELCOME TO JAPAN"

AND THAT IT'S SO COOL TO FINALLY

MEET HIS ALL-TIME GREATEST HERO,

PIZZA STEVE!

>> Uncle Grandpa: WELL, NOW WE

KNOW HE'S GOT GOOD TASTE.

SORRY ABOUT BURYING YOU UNDER

A PILE OF RUBBLE, AKIRA.

>> OH, THAT'S NO BIG DEAL,

UNCLE GRANDPA.

[ GRUNTS ]

THIS IS EXACTLY THE KIND OF

DESTRUCTION I WANT TO SEE IN

THE ACTION-PACKED, GIANT-MONSTER

MOVIE I'M MAKING.

>> Uncle Grandpa: WHOA, WHOA,

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!

YOU'RE MAKING AN ACTION-PACKED

G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-

GIANT-MONSTER MOVIE?!

OH, MR. DIRECTOR, SIR, MAY I

HELP YOU MAKE YOUR MOVIE?

>> SURE.

I JUST NEED SOMEONE TO PLAY THE

GIANT GREEN MONSTER.

>> Uncle Grandpa: YOU NEED A

GIANT GREEN MONSTER FOR YOUR

MOVIE?

WHERE ARE YOU GONNA FIND SOMEONE

LIKE THAT?

>> Mr. Gus: [ CLEARS THROAT ]

I CAN DO IT.

>> Uncle Grandpa: YOU, MR. GUS?

I DON'T THINK SO.

>> Mr. Gus: I CAN, AND I'LL TELL

YOU WHY -- ACTING.

YOU'RE IN LUCK, KID.

I HAPPEN TO BE AN ACCOMPLISHED

ACTOR.

>> Uncle Grandpa: ACTOR?

[ LAUGHS ]

YOU'RE NOT AN ACTOR, MR. GUS.

>> Pizza Steve: YEAH, YOU'RE

ABOUT AS GOOD AT ACTING AS I AM

AT BRAIN SURGERY.

WAIT.

I'M TOTALLY REALLY GOOD AT BRAIN

SURGERY.

>> Mr. Gus: YEAH?

WELL, I CANACT.

>> I DON'T KNOW.

YOU DON'T LOOK GIANT ENOUGH.

>> Uncle Grandpa: HE'S RIGHT,

MR. GUS.

YOU'RE TINY ENOUGH TO FIT

BETWEEN MY FINGERS.

WE NEED TO MAKE YOU GIANTER!

NOW SWALLOW THIS GIANT-MAKING

PILL!

>> Mr. Gus: [ GULPS ]

[ CREAK! ]

>> Uncle Grandpa: THERE HE IS,

MR. DIRECTOR, SIR -- YOUR GIANT

GREEN MONSTER.

>> THANKS, UNCLE GRANDPA.

HEY, MONSTER, CAN YOU STOMP

AROUND AND FRIGHTEN THE

RESIDENTS OF TOKYO?

>> Mr. Gus: YOU WANT THE MONSTER

TO STOMP AROUND?

HMM, BUT WHY IS HE BEHAVING THIS

WAY?

I KNOW.

I'LL ACT OUT A MONOLOGUE TO

BETTER DEMONSTRATE THE MONSTER'S

MOTIVATION.

>> Uncle Grandpa: MR. GUS,

YOU'RE NOT AN ACTOR, BUT THAT'S

OKAY.

ALL YOU GOT TO DO IS STOMP

AROUND LIKE A BIG, DUMB MONSTER.

HERE, LET US HELP YOU.

>> Mr. Gus: G-GUYS, WHAT ARE YOU

DOING?

STOP IT! THAT TICKLES!

WHOA! WHOA!

[ ALL SCREAMING ]

AAH! AAH! AAH!

A-A-A-A-AAH!

>> PERFECT!

THANKS, UNCLE GRANDPA.

>> Uncle Grandpa: OH, BOY!

THIS MOVIE'S GONNA BE THE

COOLEST.

SEE, MR. GUS?

PLAYING A MONSTER IS A CINCH.

IT DOESN'T MATTER THAT YOU CAN'T

ACT.

>> Mr. Gus: I CANACT.

YOU'LL SEE.

>> OKAY, THIS IS THE SCENE WHERE

THE MONSTER BREATHES FIRE ON ALL

OF TOKYO.

>> Mr. Gus: HMM. FIRE.

YES!

I MUST SHOW THE MONSTER'S

PASSION, THE PART OF HIM WHERE

THE FIRE LIVES.

>> Uncle Grandpa: OR WE COULD

JUST FILL YOU UP WITH THIS FIRE

SAUCE.

[ POP! ]

[ WHISTLE! ]

[ GLUG! GLUG! GLUG! ]

[ INHALES DEEPLY ]

[ EXHALES DEEPLY ]

>> CUT! THAT WAS AMAZING!

OKAY, HERE'S YOUR BIG SCENE --

THE MONSTER DEATH SCENE.

>> Mr. Gus: THE DEATH SCENE,

HUH?

NOW YOU GUYS ARE GONNA ACTUALLY

TAKE MY ACTING SERIOUSLY THIS

TIME?

>> Uncle Grandpa: DON'T WORRY,

MR. GUS.

ALL YOUR SCENES ARE COMING OUT

REALLY GREAT.

>> Mr. Gus: OKAY.

THIS WILL BE A PERFORMANCE SO

DRAMATIC, IT WILL MOVE THE

AUDIENCE TO TEARS.

>> Pizza Steve: OH, THIS SCENE

IS GONNA BE DRAMATIC, 'CAUSE

PIZZA STEVE'S IN IT!

TASTE SOME ROCKET,

GIANT GREEN MONSTER.

>> Mr. Gus: THAT LOOKS LIKE

IT'LL HURT.

NO, NO, NO!

>> CUT!

>> Uncle Grandpa: DID YOU GET

ALL THAT, AKIRA?

>> I THINK THAT'S A WRAP,

UNCLE "G."

>> Uncle Grandpa: YOU HEAR THAT,

MR. GUS?

THAT'S A WRAP.

>> Pizza Steve: UH, MR. GUS

AIN'T LOOKING SO GOOD.

>> Uncle Grandpa: MR. GUS!

HELLO?!

OH, NO.

WHAT HAVE WE DONE?!

[ SOMBER ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS ]

[ CLEARS THROAT ]

THANK YOU ALL FOR COMING.

WE ARE GATHERED HERE TODAY NOT

TO CELEBRATE DEATH...

>> [ SIGHS DEEPLY ]

>> Uncle Grandpa: ...BUT RATHER

TO CELEBRATE LIFE.

[ SNIFFLES ]

TODAY, WHEN WE LOOK AT MR. GUS,

ALL WE SEE IS A DEAD DINOSAUR IN

A PINE BOX.

BUT MR. GUS USED TO BE SO MUCH

MORE THAN THAT.

MR. GUS USED TO BE ALIVE.

AND MR. GUS USED TO BE...

[ SNIFFLES ]

...A GREAT FRIEND.

WHENEVER I LOOKED INTO MR. GUS'

EYES, I SAW A KIND, WARM SOUL

STARING BACK AT ME.

THAT, AND EYE BOOGERS.

MR. GUS ALWAYS HAD BIG, CRUSTY

EYE BOOGERS IN HIS EYES.

IT WAS PRETTY GROSS.

AND MR. GUS WAS STRONG.

WE COULD ALWAYS COUNT ON HIM TO

MUSCLE THAT JAR OF TACOS OPEN

JUST IN TIME FOR DINNER.

AND WHENEVER HE WORKED OUT, HE

SMELLED REALLY BAD.

HE SMELLED LIKE GARBAGE.

AND NOW

GIANT REALISTIC FLYING TIGER

WOULD LIKE TO SAY SOMETHING.

>> GRFT: [ ROARS ]

[ ALL SNIFFLE ]

[ ROARS ]

>> Mr. Gus: [ WHIMPERING ]

>> GRFT: [ ROARS ]

>> Uncle Grandpa: YOU'RE UP,

PIZZA STEVE.

>> Pizza Steve: TODAY IS A

REALLY SAD DAY.

[ SIGHS ]

I WENT DOWN TO THE ICE-CREAM

STORE EARLIER.

FELT LIKE HAVING SOME

TRIPLE-CHOCOLATE ICE CREAM.

[ SNIFFLES ]

[ Voice breaking ] I'M SORRY.

BUT WHEN I PLACED MY ORDER, THE

ICE-CREAM-STORE DUDE WAS ALL,

"SORRY, WE'RE ALL OUT OF

TRIPLE-CHOCOLATE."

>> Uncle Grandpa: [ GASPS ]

WHAT?!

>> Pizza Steve: [ SOBS ]

HOW COULD THERE NOT BE A SPECIAL

RESERVE FOR CELEBRITIES?

I'M PIZZA STEVE, FOR CRYING OUT

LOUD!

[ SOBS ]

SO, ANYWAY, I HAD NO CHOICE BUT

TO SETTLE...

FOR DOUBLE-CHOCOLATE!

>> Uncle Grandpa: [ SOBS ]

>> Pizza Steve: UNCLE "G," GET

UP HERE AND WRAP THIS THING UP.

I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE.

[ SOBS ]

HYAH!

>> Uncle Grandpa: THAT WAS

BEAUTIFUL, PIZZA STEVE.

THANK YOU.

IN CLOSING, I HAVE JUST A FEW

MORE WORDS BEFORE WE PUSH THE

COFFIN INTO THE FURNACE.

>> Mr. Gus: [ GASPS ]

>> Uncle Grandpa: MR. GUS WAS A

LARGE GUY.

>> Mr. Gus: [ GROWLS ]

>> Uncle Grandpa: MR. GUS WAS SO

LARGE, WHEN HE SAT AROUND THE

RV, HE LITERALLY SAT AROUND THE

RV.

>> GRFT: [ ROARS ]

>> Pizza Steve: [ SOBS ]

>> Uncle Grandpa: MR. GUS WAS

SO LARGE, WHEN HE BACKED UP, HE

WENT, "BEEP, BEEP, BEEP!"

>> Mr. Gus: ALL RIGHT!

[ ALL GASP ]

THAT'S QUITE ENOUGH!

I'M NOT LARGE, I DON'T SMELL

LIKE GARBAGE, AND I'M NOT DEAD,

EITHER.

I JUST WANTED YOU GUYS TO TAKE

ME SERIOUSLY AS AN ACTOR AND

PROVE THAT MY PERFORMANCE COULD

MOVE AN AUDIENCE TO TEARS.

AND JUDGING FROM ALL YOUR

REACTIONS...

IT LOOKS LIKE I ACHIEVED THAT.

>> Pizza Steve: THE UNDEAD WALKS

THE EARTH!

AAH!

>> Uncle Grandpa: MR. GUS IS A

ZOMBIE!

ATTACK! ATTACK!

[ CHAIN SAW BUZZES ]

>> Mr. Gus: IT'S ME! IT'S ME!

>> AWESOME!

[ EPIC MUSIC PLAYS]

>> [ ROARING]

>> Uncle Grandpa: COOL MOVIE,

MR. DIRECTOR.

AND I'M SORRY, MR. GUS.

I'M SORRY I DIDN'T TAKE YOUR

ACTING SERIOUSLY.

YOU'RE A GREAT ACTOR.

>> Mr. Gus: [ GROANS ]

[ Weakly ] REALLY?

[ GROANS ]

YOU REALLY LIKE MY PERFORMANCE?

>> Uncle Grandpa: ARE YOU

KIDDING, MR. GUS?

ANYONE WHO CAN PRETEND TO BE SO

INJURED AFTER BEING ATTACKED BY

A CHAIN-SAW-WIELDING,

ZOMBIE-DESTROYING MOB IS A

MASTER ACTOR!

>> Mr. Gus: [ GROANS ]

>> Uncle Grandpa: UH-OH!

>> Pizza Steve: AND NOW

"SLICE OF LIFE WITH

PIZZA STEVE."

[ CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS]

[ ROCK MUSIC PLAYS]

'SUP, BRAH?

YOUR RADIO WAS BROKEN, BUT I

FIXED IT.

>> Mr. Gus: I WAS LISTENING TO

THAT.

[ CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS]

[ ROCK MUSIC PLAYS]

>> Pizza Steve: SORRY, BRO.

IT'S JUST THAT I'M ALLERGIC TO

CLASSICAL MUSIC.

>> Mr. Gus: [ MUTTERING ]

[ CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS]

IT'S MY TURN TO DRIVE, SO IPICK

THE MUSIC.

HANDS OFF.

>> Pizza Steve: NO HANDS?

NO PROBLEM.

[ ROCK MUSIC PLAYS]

BETTER KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF,

MR. GUS.

[ LAUGHS TRIUMPHANTLY ]

MINE NOW!

>> Mr. Gus: DISGUSTING.

WHY YOU GOT TO TEST ME,

PIZZA STEVE?

[ CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS]

>> Pizza Steve: MR. GUS, YOU

BROKE IT AGAIN.

[ ROCK MUSIC PLAYS]

>> Mr. Gus: I'D LIKE TO BREAK

YOU.

[ CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS]

[ ROCK MUSIC PLAYS]

>> Pizza Steve: YEAH!

[ GASPS ]

[ CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS]

>> Mr. Gus: NO!

DON'T YOU TOUCH THAT DIAL AGAIN.

HEY, RELAX, DUDE.

I WAS JUST ADJUSTING THIS AIR

VENT.

[ ROCK MUSIC PLAYS]

SEE? NO TOUCHY.

WHOA, NOW, M.G.

YOU NEED TO CHILL OUT.

>> Mr. Gus: [ ROARS ]

FINE.

YOU WANT TO LISTEN TO YOUR

ANNOYING MUSIC?

YOUCAN DRIVE!

>> Pizza Steve: FINALLY!

GEEZ. THANKS, DAD.

CLASSICAL MUSIC. [ SCOFFS ]

OKAY, MR. GUS.

YOUR TURN TO DRIVE NOW.

>> Uncle Grandpa: UH-OH!

[ GRUNTING ]

NOTHING'S WORKING.

HELP!

[ GRUNTING ]

THANK GOODNESS YOU'RE HERE.

ALL MY CATS GOT OUT.