Original subtitles

Happy birthday, world!

[ Cow moos ]

I say, well played, good chap.

Why, thank you, old bean.

I must admit, the greens do seem to be in my favor today.

Well, let me finish this ice-cold glass

of piping-hot milk and perhaps prove otherwise.

[ Chomp! Shudders ]

[ Boing! ]

It seems as though the gravity is indeed in my favor.

[ Both laugh ]

Aw, pickle juice. Where is that dang thing?

Hey, have you guys seen my black bow tie anywhere?

I got a real important photo shoot later,

and I need to look my best.

Photo shoot?

[ Chuckling ] Well, I don't think a bow tie

is gonna do anything for those stress wrinkles and eye bags.

How about joining us for a nice relaxing game of croquet?

I don't have time to play games.

I got to prep for this photo shoot.

This photographer is held in very high regard

in the intellectual community, so I need to look refined.

Well, then forget the bow tie

and refine a good plastic surgeon.

I don't have time for this.

Oh! Wait, Mr. Gus. I got just the thing.

You can put on some of Tiger's facial cream.

It'll make you look beautiful, and it's very relaxing.

Mmmm, why do you have that on you?

I grabbed it thinking it was cake frosting.

So, what do you say, Mr. Gus?

How about we fix up your face for you?

Well, I suppose if it'll help me look my best.

Okay, Mr. Gus.

I'm gonna start with the problem areas first.

There we go!

[ Smack! ]

Now we just got to smooth it out a little,

and last but not least, some cucumber slices!

Uh, why do you have thoseon you?

I grabbed them thinking they were mini Frisbees.

Makes sense.

Here we go.

Now you just got to lay back and relax

and let the cream do its work.

Hey, this actually feels pretty nice.

It's the healing power of exfoliation and cucumbers.

Well, old boy, looks like your next shot

is clearing that water hazard,

which I declare will make this match a shoe-in for me.

Yeah, not a concern for this crusty crusher.

I just need to find the right kind of iron for the job.

Fork!

[ Zing! ]

Oopsie.

[ Snoring ]

[ Grunts ]

It appears your ball has absconded, old sport.

Perhaps a penalty is in order.

[ Stammers ] What happened to your face?

What do you mean?

You look different.

Like...good different?

Oh, boy.

Did you leave that cream on the whole time?

Maybe we should've read the instructions.

Oh, pickle juice! It's been two hours!

Whoa!

Your face is so relaxed, it can't even retain its shape.

Yeah, look.

Oh, no!

Maybe a reference like this conveniently placed

bronze statue can help you.

It couldn't hurt.

Wait.

What a bust.

[ Rimshot ]

Maybe I can just fix this bottom part.

Oh, pickle juice!

On the plus side, your new dimples and shiny skin

make you look happy.

Does this look like the face of a happy man to you?

Let me just adjust this.

[ Splat! Streak! ]

Here we go.

Now does my outward expression

echo the displeasure I'm feeling inside?

Yeah.

Your sarcasm was lost on the other expression.

But you're rocking this one.

You guys are just getting in the way.

I'm gonna go fix my face, and nothing can stop me.

Whoa!

[ Both laugh ]

Sorry, Mr. Gus. I can't keep a straight face.

Hesure can.

[ Both laugh ]

[ Electricity crackles ]

[ Streak! ]

Giant Realistic Flying Tiger,

I used some of your relaxing facial cream.

[ Roars ]

I know, I know. I came to apologize.

[ Squeak! Squeak! ]

Oh, right.

My face must be undermining my sincerity.

I just wanted to look good for my photo shoot tonight.

Oh, pickle juice!

[ Watch beeping ]

The time! I got to get to my photo shoot.

I hope this wears off by the time I get there.

Newscaster: Breaking news.

Dangerous criminal bad guy on the loose.

If you see him, call the police immediately.

[ Meows ]

[ Engine starts, tires squeal ]

[ Siren wailing ]

Oh, no. I got to put on my apology face.

License and registration.

Oh, let me see here.

Do you know who I am?

Oh, pick--

I know exactly who you are!

Let me get out peacefully. I can explain.

[ Clicking ]

The door appears to be stuck.

[ Grunts ]

Oh, pickle juice!

Hey!

That guy non-fatally knocked that cop out!

Wait, is that the bad criminal guy?!

Get him!

Wait, no!

[ Grunts ]

Is that the zoo's escaped gator we've been looking for?

I reckon we ought to catch him and find out.

[ Whack! ]

[ Groans ]

[ Grunts ]

[ Groans ]

Hey, buddy, read the sign!

Uh-oh.

Buddy, where you going?

Us angry mob were wondering if you had any pitchforks.

Buddy, you buy a pitchfork,

and you get a torch free right now!

[ Grunts ]

My precious screws!

[ Grunts, groans ]

Oh, pickle juice.

Hey, you got to pay for those!

[ Indistinct yelling ]

You really done it this time, Mr. Gus.

[ Angry mob shouting ]

[ Groans happily ]

[ Groans ]

Got to hide. Got to hide.

All the good trash is at the bottom.

What to join our gang?

It's the perfect crime.

Hey!

The dangerous criminal bad guy!

The gator!

The hardware vandal!

[ Groans ]

[ Angry mob shouting ]

Phew!

Wait a second.

Excuse me. I'm Mr. Gus.

Where do I go for my photo shoot?

My bad, Mr. Gus.

I did not realize you were so droopy in person.

Let's get you in with the stylist, shall we?

Working from the bottom up, I see.

Okay, we're all set, people.

Let's do this thing!

Don't take the photo without some touchup!

[ Camera flashes ]

Well, it wasn't what I'd hoped, but after the shoot,

the stylist did help me fix my face,

with some improvements.

I found it, Pizza Steve!

Wait, Uncle Grandpa. [ Grunts ]

Oh, no!

[ Meows ]

Oh!

The horror!

You ruined his face, Uncle G!

He looks so ugly!

[ Crying ]

Quick, somebody bring me a mirror.

[ Screams ]

[ Grunts ]

It was a day just like any other day.

Only this day was different than most days.

I'd been on a case that had no end in sight.

I just couldn't connect the dots on this one.

I was as stumped as a tree

that had been cut down to just the base of the trunk.

In this business, you're either cut out for the job

or the job cuts you out,

or there's cutouts of you on the job.

But arts and crafts didn't crack cases.

The air smelled of honeysuckle and grape lollipops.

I've never been a fan of grape.

But when times get tough,

you take what you can get in this world.

[ Door opens, closes ]

That's whenshecame in.

Hello, Detective.

She had the longest eyelashes I'd ever seen,

but her perfume kind of reeked

of window cleaner and old salami.

Ugh.

Oh, I'm saying that out loud, aren't I?

Yes, but --

It doesn't matter. Can I offer you a lollipop?

Sure. Okay.

Would you like a lollipop?

I can't tell what flavor's what.

Oh, sorry. Hang on.

There you go.

Oh, thank you.

No problem.

I'm actually here because I need your help.

She seemed like the kind of dame who would ask you for help,

then leave you helpless while you were looking for help.

What's that supposed to mean?

Oops. Was I thinking out loud again?

No. Thatguy was.

Sorry, I'll leave.

I was told to come see you about a problem.

Well, it doesn't take much to see the problems

of two lonely people don't amount to a hill of baked beans

in this lonely world.

I don't even know what that means.

That's him, Mommy!

That's the man who stole my puzzle book!

Stole?!

I thought you hired me to solve it.

No, I just asked if you had a pen on you.

The kid was sharp.

Not the kind of kid you want tarnishing your name.

Okay, okay, stop tarnishing my name!

Here's your puzzle book back.

And so another day come to pass.

Another case for the books.

Another book for the case.

Another bookcase for the office.

And what I can only imagine as

the beginning of a beautiful credit sequence.