Original subtitles

[ UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS ]

EVERYONE STAND UP AND SCREAM!

[ ROCK MUSIC PLAYS ]

[ ELEVATOR BELL DINGS ]

GUYS! GOOD NEWS!

LLLEEHHHHH.

WHOA! SPANDEX-O-RAMA.

[ LAUGHS ] YEAH.

OH, SUSANNA!

THIS IS GONNA KNOCK YOUR SOCKS OFF,

ESPECIALLY YOURS, PIZZA STEVE.

[ SLOOP! ]

WHAT IS IT, UNCLE GRANDPA? WHAT IS IT? [ ROARS ]

HMMM, I'M SKEPTICAL.

CHECK IT OUT!

WE'RE GOING...

ON A BIKE RIDE

AT THE BEACH!

BRIGHT SUN, COOL OCEAN BREEZES,

SWEET WAVES, AND BIKINIS!

OH, YEAH, SONS AND DAUGHTERS.

[ ENGINE REVS ] PIZZA STEVE IS GONNA TEAR THAT BEACH BOARDWALK UP

IN HIS AWESOME SPEEDCYCLE.

I'M GOING FULL JOHN HANCOCK ON THIS ONE!

PIZZA STEVE IS GONNA OWN THAT BEACH, Y'ALL.

NO DICE, LITTLE SLICE.

NO MOTORIZED VEHICLES ALLOWED.

[ SCREECH! ]

ONLY TWO-WHEELED PEDAL BIKES, PIZZA STEVE.

[ GULPS, LAUGHS NERVOUSLY ]

WELL, YEAH. OF COURSE.

IKNEW THAT. YEP.

NO MOTORIZED VEHICLES ALLOWED.

AND I AM VERY COMFORTABLE WITH THAT.

HONESTLY, THIS THIRD WHEEL WAS BECOMING

A BIT OF A FIFTH WHEEL ANYWAY. [CHUCKLES]

OH, MAN, UNCLE GRANDPA, THIS SOUNDS AMAZING.

FINALLY, AN OPPORTUNITY TO SHOW OFF MY BEACH BOD.

I KNOW!

YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN WORKING HARD LATELY,

SO IN EXACTLY 10 MINUTES... [ DING! ]

WE'RE GONNA PEDAL AWAY FROM ALL OUR TROUBLES.

10 MINUTES, PIZZA STEVE!

UH, YEAH, UNCLE G.

Pizza Steve: [ Thinking ] WHAT AM I GONNA DO?

[ BREATHING HEAVILY ]

IF THEY FIND OUT THE TRUTH, IT'S OVER!

THE MASK FALLS AWAY.

THE RIDICULOUS CHARADE ENDS.

THE HORROR.

THE HORROR!

MY SECRET SHAME...

HIDDEN ALL THESE YEARS.

BEHOLD -- TRAINING WHEELS!

IF THEY FIND OUT I CAN'T RIDE A BIKE WITH TWO WHEELS,

I'M FINISHED!

I'M A TOTAL WEENIE!

[ BANG! BANG! BANG! ] Uncle Grandpa: PIZZA STEVE!

7 MINUTES AND 34 SECONDS TILL BIKE TIME!

[ BANG! BANG! BANG! ] [ GASPS ]

[ BANG! BANG! BANG! ] IT'S GONNA BE SO AWESOME!

I CAN'T WAIT!

OH, YEAH! PIZZA STEVE CAN'T WAIT EITHER!

[ LAUGHS NERVOUSLY ] OHH.

THE CLOCK IS TICKING!

[ ZIP! ]

NO MORE MR. SOFT SLICE.

LET'S SEE IF YOU HAVE WHAT IT TAKES.

RIDE OR CRY, BABY.

RIDE OR CRY.

[ BREATHING HEAVILY ]

NO TURNING BACK NOW.

[ WIBBLE! WIBBLE! WIBBLE! ]

[ BREATHING HEAVILY ]

WAIT, MAYBE I CANDO THIS.

[ ROCK MUSIC PLAYS ] HEY, Y'ALL!

GET A LOAD OF THESE SKILLS!

WHO NEEDS HANDS WHEN YOU HAVE STYLE?

HEY, GUYS, THIS PIZZA GUY IS RIDING WITH NO HANDS!

All: OOH!

HOLY SMOKES, THAT GUY REALLY KNOWS HOW TO RIDE A BIKE.

All: AHH!

CHECK OUT PIZZA STEVE

AND HIS AMAZING BIKE-RIDING PROWESS!

All: OOH!

OOH!

AAH!

OH, YEAH!

WHA-- [ WIBBLE! WIBBLE! ]

WHOA! [ SCREECH! SCREECH! ]

AAAAAAAAAAAH! OOF! AAH! OHH!

[ LAUGHTER ]

OH, NO. THIS IS HORRIBLE.

WHAT WILL HAPPEN IF THE ENTIRE BEACH COMMUNITY FINDS OUT

PIZZA STEVE CAN'T HOLD HIS OWN ON A TWO-WHEELER?

I CAN'T LET THIS HAPPEN.

[ BANG! BANG! BANG! ] Uncle Grandpa: PIZZA STEVE!

2 MINUTES AND 27 SECONDS LEFT!

I CAN'T WAIT TILL YOU IMPRESS ME

WITH YOUR AWESOMENESS ON THE BEACH BOARDWALK!

IT'S GONNA BE AMAZING!

[ SIGHS ]

OH, YEAH, UH, TOTALLY.

PIZZA STEVE WON'T LET YOU DOWN. [ CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY ]

OH, GOSH. OH, GOSH.

PIZZA STEVEN, IS THIS YOUR DAY OF RECKONING?

WILL THE WORLD FINALLY, ONCE AND FOR ALL, FIND OUT

THE TRUTH ABOUT YOU -- THAT YOU'RE A COMPLETE FRAUD?

OH, THE HORROR!

AND SOON MY LIFE WILL BE DESTROYED THANKS TO THAT BIKE.

[ Thinking ] AND WHAT WILL MY FRIENDS THINK?

[ LAUGHTER ]

AAH!

[ PANTING ]

[ Singsong voice ] HEY, PIZZA STEVE.

LET'S SEE YOU RIDE THIS BAD BOY!

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!

[ DING! DING! ] WHAT'S WRONG, LITTLE CHEESE?

DOES PIZZA STEVIE MISS HIS WIDDLE-BOY TWICYCLE?

NO! PLEASE, NO!

[ ROARS ]

WHAT'S WRONG?

I THOUGHT YOU KNEW HOW TO RIDE A TWO-WHEELER. [ LAUGHS ]

AAAAAAAAAAAH!

OH, GOSH! OH, GOSH!

IT'S ALL OVER FOR ME!

[ Thinking ] THERE'S NO ESCAPE! ALL BECAUSE OF THAT STUPID BIKE!

[ DING! ] WAIT! THAT'S IT!

THE BIKE!

CAN'T GO ON A BIKE RIDE WITHOUT A BIKE!

YES, PIZZA STEVE.

IT'S TIME TO ELIMINATE THE ENEMY.

[ LAUGHS MANIACALLY ]

PIZZA STEVE SAID HE'LL BE OUT IN A MINUTE.

THEN WE'LL HEAD OUT. COOL.

[ GROWLS ] DID SOMEBODY SAY "PIZZA STEVE"?

WHOO-HOO!

PIZZA STEVE! JUST IN TIME!

ARE YOU READY TO HAVE AN AWESOME BIKE RIDE?!

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

SLOW DOWN THERE, UNCLE G.

PIZZA STEVE WILL NOT BE ABLE TO JOIN YOU GUYS

ON THE BIKE RIDE.

TURNS OUT SOMEBODY BROKE INTO MY ROOM

AND BUSTED UP MY ONLY SET OF TWO WHEELS.

HUH? YEAH, SO, NO BIKE, NO BIKE RIDE.

SORRY, BROS.

BUT, LITTLE SLICE, WE AREN'T USING

OUR OWN BIKES FOR THIS BIKE RIDE.

HUH?

WE'RE RENTING FROM MIKEY'S BIKE RENTAL,

THE BEST PLACE TO RENT A BIKE ON THE BEACH.

SO PICK OUT A GOOD ONE, PIZZA STEVE.

[ GASPS ]

WAIT A SECOND, BROS.

I HAVE SOMETHING I WANT TO TELL YOU.

WHAT IS IT, PIZZA STEVE?

WELL, I -- WELL, IT'S JUST THAT --

WELL, YOU SEE, I... ACTUALLY DON'T --

THE BIKE DON'T -- THE BIKE -- MY BIKE --

I DON'T WANT TO...

OH, I UNDERSTAND COMPLETELY, PIZZA STEVE.

Y-YOU DO?

YES.

YOU'RE JUST SO EXCITED TO GO ON THIS BIKE RIDE

THAT IT BROUGHT YOU TO TEARS.

HUH?

THERE, THERE, NOW, LITTLE BUDDY.

DON'T YOU WORRY.

YOU'LL FEEL BETTER ONCE YOU'RE BEHIND THOSE HANDLEBARS

PEDALING IN JOY.

Uncle Grandpa: COME ON. LET'S NOT WASTE ANY MORE TIME.

Pizza Steve: [ MUFFLED WHIMPERING ]

[ ROCK MUSIC PLAYS ]

MAN, GUYS, IS THIS

THE MOST STUPENDOUSLY SPECTACULAR BIKE RIDE OR WHAT?

[ ROARS ]

NOTHING LIKE IT, UNCLE GRANDPA.

OH, YEAH.

PIZZA STEVE SURE KNOWS HOW TO RIDE IN STYLE.

[ LAUGHS ]

MAKE WAY FOR THE BEST BIKE RIDER

THIS SIDE OF THE PACIFIC --

NONE OTHER THAN PIZZA STEVE!

[ WIBBLE! WIBBLE! WIBBLE! ]

I NEVER LEARNED TO MATH!

[ SOBBING ]

IT WAS A DARK AND HUMID NIGHT WITH A WIND GUST OF 7%.

AND THERE I WAS ALL BY MYSELF...

ENJOYING A QUAINT NIGHTTIME READ ON THE COUCH.

I WAS ON THE F's WHEN, ALL OF A SUDDEN,

I HEARD A VERY UNSETTLING NOISE...

[ WHEEZING ]

A PAINFULLY SLOW WHEEZE.

I SAID TO MYSELF IT WAS PROBABLY NOTHING AND SHRUGGED IT OFF.

IT WAS PROBABLY NOTHING. I'LL JUST SHRUG IT OFF.

[ WHEEZING CONTINUES ]

THEN, I HEARD IT AGAIN. I CHECKED BEHIND THE COUCH.

GUYS? BUT NO ONE WAS THERE.

[ WHEEZING CONTINUES ] THEN, I HEARD IT AGAIN

RIGHT BEHIND ME -- THE TV!

BUT IT WAS OFF.

IN FACT, UNPLUGGED.

AT THIS MOMENT, I WAS GETTING A LITTLE SCARED.

[ WHEEZING CONTINUES ]

THEN, IT STARTED UP AGAIN!

I SPRINTED ACROSS THE LIVING ROOM

AND TOOK REFUGE IN THE TELEPHONE BOOTH.

[ PANTING ]

[ TELEPHONE RINGS ] JUST THEN, THE PHONE RANG.

G-G-G-GOOD MORNING?

[ Wheezing continues ] THE BREATHING WAS BACK,

AND WORSE YET THE PHONE WAS DISCONNECTED!

AAAAAAAAAAH!

[ ZIP! ]

I BURST INTO THE ELEVATOR, JAMMING THE BUTTONS.

COME ON, COME ON, COME ON, COME ON!

I WAITED FOR WHAT SEEMED LIKE AN ETERNITY

AS THE ELEVATOR MADE ITS SLOW DESCENT.

[ DING! ELECTRICITY CRACKLING ] SURELY, THE OWNER

IN THE ELEVATOR WITH ME.

[ WHEEZING CONTINUES ] BUT THE BREATHING WAS EVEN LOUDER THAN BEFORE!

AAAAAAAH!

I CLAWED OPEN THE ELEVATOR

AND MADE MY MAD DASH DOWN THE HALL,

LEAPING INTO THE BEDROOM! [ SCREECH! ]

I BARRICADED THE DOOR WITH WHATEVER I COULD FIND.

THEN, I DID WHAT ANYONE ELSE WOULD DO

IN THIS SITUATION -- I STUFFED PILLOWS IN MY EARS.

[ SIGHS ]

AT LAST, I NO LONGER COULD HEAR THE HEAVY BREATHING,

AS THE PILLOWS HAD IMPAIRED MY HEARING.

AND TO THIS DAY, I WONDER IF THE HEAVY BREATHER STILL EXISTS.

W-WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

Y-Y-YOU NEVER HEARD HIS BREATH AGAIN?

WELL, I CAN'T REALLY HEAR THAT WELL

SINCE I HAVE THESE PILLOWS IN MY EARS,

BUT MAYBE WITH THEM REMOVED...

[ WHEEZING CONTINUES ]

UH, GUYS, AM I THE ONLY ONE THAT HEARS THAT?

AAAAAH! AAAAAH! [ ROARS ] AAAAAH!

[ ZIP! ]

[ ALL WHIMPERING ]

[ WHEEZING CONTINUES ]

UNCLE G, I STILL HEAR IT!

M-MAYBE HE'S RIGHT OUTSIDE!

OR MAYBE...

[ GASPING ]

[ INHALER HISSES ]

AHH. MUCH BETTER.

[ UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS ]

THAT WAS QUITE DELICIOUS.