Original subtitles

[ UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS ] GOOD MORNING!

GOOD MORNING.

GOOD MORNING.

[ ROARS ]

GOOD MORNING.

GOOD MORNING!

OOH! WATERMELONS!

Uncle Grandpa: I WOULDN'T EAT THAT IF I WERE YOU.

WHOA! WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU, MISTER?

SOMETHING SO HORRIBLE, SO TRAUMATIC,

IT HURTS TO EVEN TALK ABOUT.

BUT LET THIS BE AN EXAMPLE OF WHY IT CAN NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.

IT ALL STARTED ONE FATEFUL MORNING...

UH, WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO?

ALIENS. WHO ARE THEY?

WHAT DO THEY WANT? DO THEY ACTUALLY EXIST?

SCIENTISTS HAVE JUST ANNOUNCED

THE FIRST SIGN OF INTELLIGENT LIFE

SPOTTED IN A NEWS STUDIO RECORDING AT THIS VERY...

LOCATION?

AAAH!

WAIT! I'M A GRAMPY AWARD WINNER!

NOOO!

BO-RING!

HEY UNCLE G, WHY DON'T YOU SHOW US

HOW REALENTERTAINMENT'S DONE AND RUN?

[ LAUGHS ] WATERMELON.

[ LAUGHS ] UNCLE G!

[ Amplified ] UNCLE G!!

WHAT, DO YOU HAVE COTTON IN YOUR EARS?

NOT AT ALL. JUST A HIGH-QUALITY SILK AND DACRON POLYESTER BLEND.

IMPRESSIVE!

DIDN'T YOU HEAR A WORD I SAID EARLIER?

NOT REALLY.

PLUS I WAS EATING THIS DELICIOUS AND NUTRITIOUS WATERMELON.

IT'S FORTIFIED WITH GOOD THINGS,

LIKE JUICE AND SEEDS AND PINK.

[ CHOMPS ]

[ CHEWING ]

NYEH. [ LAUGHTER ]

HE'S GOT A WATERMELON IN HIS MOUTH!

NOW, THAT'SWHAT I CALL ENTERTAINMENT!

A WATERMELON IN MY MOUTH, HUH?

SO THAT AMUSES YOU?

ARE YOU KIDDING?

YOU'RE A NATURAL LAUGH RIOT, UNCLE G.

IF YOU LIKE THAT, YOU HAVEN'T SEEN ANYTHING.

PREPARE FOR THE MOTHER LODE.

[ STRAINING ]

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ Laughing ] OH, MY STOMACH!

[ Laughing ] I'M CRYING!

[ LAUGHTER CONTINUES ]

[ STRAINING ]

Uncle Grandpa: IT WAS THEN THAT I KNEW MY JAW WAS LOCKED SOLID.

[ LAUGHTER ]

IT GETS BETTER!

[ MUFFLED SPEAKING ]

[ STRAINING ]

[ POP! ]

[ LAUGHTER CONTINUES ]

[ TIRES SCREECH ]

[ MUFFLED SCREAMS ]

[ MUFFLED SPEAKING ]

[ LAUGHS ]

HA! WHAT A FREAK!

I KNOW! THAT WATERMELON IN HIS MOUTH IS A LAUGH RIOT!

[ LAUGHS ]

YOU SAID IT.

THAT'S THE FUNNIEST THING I'VE SEEN EVER IN MY LIFE!

AGREED. HE LOOKS RIDICULOUS.

NOT SOPHISTICATED, LIKE YOU OR I.

[ BOTH LAUGH ]

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ British accent ] ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. WHAT'S GOIN' ON HERE?

BLOOMIN' ONIONS!

WHO IN THE QUEEN'S GOLD KNICKERS IS THAT?

[ LAUGHS ] YOU'RE MAKING MY LIPS SORE!

TOP OF THE MORNIN', GOOD SIR.

MY NAME IS R.J. SASSYBRASS,

BUT MY FRIENDS CALL ME

R.J. SASSYBRASS III, HOLLYWOOD AGENT.

SOME OF MY CLIENTELE INCLUDE TINY KEITH,

THE SMALLEST RAPPER THIS SIDE OF THE COLORADO RIVER,

TEEN HEARTTHROB ENGLISH MUFFINS,

AND THE RICHEST MAN IN THE WORLD.

I'VE BEEN ADMIRING YOU FROM AFAR, AND I MUST SAY,

YOU'VE GOT THE STUFF TO MAKE IT IN THE BIG TIME.

ALL THAT'S REQUIRED IS YOU DO EXACTLY AS I SAY

AND NEVER QUESTION ANYTHING.

SO, DO WE HAVE A DEAL?

[ MUFFLED SPEAKING ]

WELLY-WELLY-WELL. I'M GLAD WE'RE ON THE SAME PAGE.

JUST ONE LAST THING.

IF YOU EVER CROSS ME, YOU'RE GONNA PAY FOR IT DEARLY.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

UH-HUH.

NOW, ENOUGH DILLYDALLY.

LET'S GET YOU PREPPED FOR SHOWBIZ.

OUR FIRST STOP WAS THE TESTING GROUND

OF A WORKING-CLASS COMEDY CLUB.

AND I SAID, "PING PONG BALLS?"

I THOUGHT YOU MEANT "PING PONG BELLS"!

[ CRICKETS CHIRPING ] [ COUGHS ]

A-ALL RIGHT, NEXT UP,

WE'VE GOT A FRESH NEW FACE TO THE HA-HA CLUB.

PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER FOR UNCLE GRANDPA!

[ FEEDBACK ]

OI!

DON'T JUST STAND THERE! SAY SOMETHING!

[ MOANS ]

[ LAUGHTER ]

LOOK! HE'S GOT A WATERMELON IN HIS MOUTH!

THAT'S IT, KID. GIVE 'EM THE STUFF.

[ MUFFLED SPEAKING ]

[ LAUGHTER ]

IT WAS HERE THAT MY RISE TO FAME BEGAN.

I WAS SUBJECTED TO THE SEEDIEST ENVIRONMENTS.

[ INDISTINCT SHOUTING ]

[ ALL CHEER ]

BUT WE'RE HIS FRIENDS!

I ALLOWED MYSELF TO BE HUMILIATED

FOR OTHERS' AMUSEMENT.

[ CROWD CHANTING "MELON!" ]

BEFORE I KNEW IT,

MY FACE WAS BEING PLASTERED ALL OVER TOWN.

I WAS THE GUEST STAR ON LATE-NIGHT TALK SHOWS.

[ MUFFLED SPEAKING ]

[ LAUGHTER ]

AS IT TURNED OUT, FAME WAS A LONELY PLACE TO BE.

THE LARGER MY FAME GREW, SO DID MY UNHAPPINESS.

[ CROWD CHEERING ]

Announcer: NOW THE MOMENT YOU'VE BEEN WAITING FOR.

WELCOME TO THE STAGE THE ONE AND ONLY,

THE UNMISTAKABLE, THE UNFORGETTABLE --

UNCLE GRANDPA!

OH, BOTHER ALL! GET OUT THERE!

[ Muffled ] AAAAAAAAH!

Psst!

[ SIGHS ]

[ DANCE MUSIC PLAYS ]

[ MUSIC STOPS ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

WHOO-HOO-HOO!

[ SIGHS ]

HEY! IF IT ISN'T THE BIG MAN HIMSELF.

IT'S BEEN A NIGHTMARE TRYING TO CATCH YOU, UNCLE G.

GET A LOAD OF YOUR DIGS!

A GOLD TOILET?!

YOU MUST BE REALLY FAMOUS.

I MEAN, I'M SO FAMOUS, I'VE GOT LIKE FOUR OF THESE PUPS,

BUT GOOD FOR YOU, UNCLE G.

SO, ARE YOU GONNA COME HOME SOON?

THINGS AROUND THE R.V. HAVEN'T BEEN QUITE THE SAME

SINCE YOU'VE BEEN GONE.

[ MUFFLED SPEAKING ]

ALL RIGHT!

YOUR LITTLE ROUTINE MIGHT BE CUTE ONSTAGE,

BUT YOU DON'T NEED TO ACT LIKE THAT

AROUND YOUR BEST BUDS.

[ MUFFLED SPEAKING ]

WOW. YOU'VE REALLY CHANGED, UNCLE G.

I GUESS THE FAME HASGOTTEN TO YOUR HEAD!

YEAH. IT'S LIKE ALL YOU CARE ABOUT IS DOING YOUR BIT.

[ MUFFLED SPEAKING ]

[ THUD ]

ENOUGH LAYING ABOUT.

TIME FOR THE ENCORE.

[ DANCE MUSIC PLAYS ]

Man: BOO! WE'VE SEEN THIS ALREADY!

GIVE US SOMETHING NEW!

LET'S SEE SOMETHING ELSE, WATERMELON!

[ MUFFLED SCREAM, CRYING ]

THE PRESSURE HAD GOTTEN TO ME. I HAD TO ESCAPE.

BRING OUT PLAN "B."

[ MUFFLED SPEAKING ]

[ CROWD CHEERS ]

[ CROWD CHANTING "PINEAPPLE!" ]

HA! WHAT A FREAK!

GIVE US SOMETHING NEW!

[ LAUGHTER]

IN MY FRUSTRATION, I DECIDED TO RUN AWAY --

FAR AWAY, WHERE NO ONE COULD FIND ME.

YEARS PASSED, AND I WASN'T IN CONTACT WITH A SINGLE SOUL.

I LIVED OFF THE FAT OF THE LAND IN ISOLATION.

[ SNIFFING ]

[ STRAINING ]

WOW. YOU'VE REALLY CHANGED, UNCLE G.

I GUESS THE FAME HAS GOTTEN TO YOUR HEAD.

YEAH, IT'S LIKE ALL YOU CARE ABOUT IS YOUR BIT.

IT WAS THEN I REALIZED HOW ALONE I TRULY WAS.

[ SOBBING ]

AND THAT'S WHEN IT HAPPENED.

I SAW THE WATERMELON IN MY MOUTH FOR THE FIRST TIME.

[ LAUGHING ]

AND IT WAS REALLY FUNNY.

I LAUGHED SO HARD THAT MY JAW BECAME UNLOCKED

AND RELEASED THE DELICIOUS FRUIT BACK INTO THE WORLD.

[ LAUGHS ]

[ CLANG! ]

AND THAT IS WHY YOU SHOULD NEVER PUT A WATERMELON IN YOUR MOUTH.

PUT A PINEAPPLEIN YOUR MOUTH INSTEAD.

IT'S WAY MORE SOPHISTICATED.

[ CHOMPS ]

[ MUFFLED SPEAKING ]

[ CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY ] JUST WALK, HONEY.

OH. THERE YOU ARE.

SAME OLD TIRED ROUTINE.

NO WAY, MR. GUS. TOTALLY DIFFERENT.

HE'S USING A PINEAPPLE NOW, AND IT IS HILARIOUS!

UH-HUH. TOTALLY DIFFERENT.

[ ALL YOWLING ]

[ ROARS ]

WHA -- HEY! YOU'RE BEING TOO FRISKY, MUSTACHE.

TIME TO PUT YOU TO BED.

THERE YOU ARE, DARLING.

WHAT THE --

LOOKS LIKE SOMEBODY'S A LITTLE HARD OF HEARING!

YOU GET BACK HERE!

ECCCCH! THAT'S DISGUSTING.

[ STRAINING ]

WHY, YOU LITTLE --

UHH! [ STRIKE! ]

HEY, YOU!

COME OUT, COME OUT, WHEREVER YOU ARE.

[ MUSTACHE WHISTLES ]

I'M GONNA PUT YOU TO BED,

EVEN IF IT MEANS YOU TAKING A DIRT NAP.

[ Singsong voice ] OH, LITTLE MUSTACHE!

I'VE GOT A SURPRISE FOR YOU.

GOTCHA!

[ TWANG! ]

BLBLBLBLBLBLBLBL! ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT!

YOU MADE ME DO THIS.

HEY, WHERE ARE YOU? [ MUSTACHE WHISTLES ]

YOU'RE GOING TO BED, WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT!

[ CRASH! CRASH! ]

YOU'RE BEING TOO FRISKY, R.V.

TIME TO PUT YOU TO BED.

LOOKS LIKE SOMEBODY'S A LITTLE HARD OF HEARING.

YOU GET BACK HERE!

WHA -- HEY! YOU'RE BEING TOO FRISKY, MUSTACHE.

TIME TO PUT YOU TO BED.