Original subtitles

Downloaded from YTS.MX

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

Man: YOU LOOK GOOD WITH A BIG NOSE, ACTUALLY.

( mimics Richard Burton ) YOU COULD BECOME A GREAT CLASSICAL ACTOR

AND BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY.

I GOT A LITTLE CREVICE, CAN YOU SEE THAT THERE?

SEE?

- YES. - THAT'S FIZZY DRINKS.

- YEAH. - AND I DON'T THINK THE COLOR IS GREAT.

WHAT DO YOU THINK? HAVE A LOOK AT THE COLOR.

I SAW THE COLOR LAST TIME I LOOKED.

IT REGISTERED.

IT'S WHAT I'D CALL "NOT WHITE."

- WELL-- - WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU CALL IT?

I WOULD-- I'D CONCUR WITH "NOT WHITE."

I'D GO FURTHER.

I MEAN, IT'S NOT YELLOW.

( exhales sharply ) I, YOU KNOW--

IT'S A SLIDING SCALE, ISN'T IT, YOU KNOW.

- YEAH. - I THINK YOU'RE...

- YOU'RE A-- - HINT OF YELLOW.

- CLOSEST TO-- - BARLEY MEADOW.

- IF YOU WANNA GIVE IT-- - TUSCAN SUNSET?

- IF YOU WANT-- - ( laughter )

YOU'RE GETTING LAUGHS

BUT IT'S NOT MAKING YOUR TEETH LOOK ANY BETTER.

NO, YOU KNOW, SO...

PUB CEILING?

THE ELEPHANT MAN.

MMM.

I THINK IF YOUR TEETH ARE TOO GOOD,

YOU GET BOGGED DOWN IN THE LEADING-MAN THING,

AND I DON'T WANT THAT TO HAPPEN.

I THINK YOU CAN SLEEP EASY AT NIGHT...

( laughs )

ABOUT THE PROSPECT OF BEING CAST AS A LEADING MAN.

NOW I HAVEN'T GOT ANY TEETH AT ALL THERE ON THE BOTTOM.

THANKS FOR THAT.

THAT WAS PLEASANT.

HAVE ANOTHER LOOK. DO THEY STILL LOOK THAT COLOR?

- IT'S OKAY-- - LET YOURSELF ADJUST--

IT'S SEARED ON MY RETINA.

I THINK ONCE PEOPLE GET USED TO THEM,

YOU ACTUALLY-- ACTUALLY, IT'S A NICE COLOR.

I THINK YOU COULD DECORATE A CHILD'S NURSERY IN THIS COLOR.

QUITE SOOTHING.

BUT YOU COULD HAVE SAVED THEM A FEW BOB IF YOU'D BEEN CAST AS DR. SLOP.

YEAH, BUT THAT'S VERY MUCH A SUPPORTING ROLE.

- THIS IS-- - YEAH, AND? THE POINT BEING?

THIS IS A CO-LEAD.

WELL, WE'LL SEE AFTER THE EDIT, SHALL WE?

DO YOU NOT THINK SO?

FEATURED CO-LEAD?

IT'S NOT A CAMEO.

IT'S NOT A CAMEO, NO.

IT'S A SUPPORTING ROLE.

IT'S NOT A SUPPORTING ROLE. I MEAN, ALL THE WAY THROUGH.

( sighs ) YEAH.

IT'S A CO. IT'S A CO, IT'S AN "AND ROB BRYDON."

- IT'S US. - IT'S NOT AN UNDER.

IT'S STEVE COOGAN, ROB BRYDON.

IN FACT, IF WE WENT ALPHABETICALLY,

WHICH I THINK IS THE ONLY FAIR WAY,

IT WOULD BE ROB BRYDON, STEVE COOGAN.

YEAH, BUT THAT WOULD JUST BE RIDICULOUS.

AHEM...

GROUCHO MARX ONCE SAID

THAT THE TROUBLE WITH WRITING A BOOK ABOUT YOURSELF

IS YOU CAN'T FOOL AROUND.

WHY NOT? PEOPLE FOOL AROUND WITH THEMSELVES ALL THE TIME.

I'M TRISTRAM SHANDY,

THE MAIN CHARACTER IN THIS STORY,

THE LEADING ROLE.

( cattle braying )

SUSANNAH! SUSANNAH!

SUSANNAH!

Tristram: THERE ARE THOSE WHO SAY

THIS IS A COCK AND BULL STORY.

THAT'S THE BULL,

MY FATHER'S BULL,

AND I'LL SHOW YOU THE COCK IN A MINUTE.

SUSANNAH!

SUSANNAH!

- IS IT STARTED? - YES.

- YES, I-- I THINK IT IS. - OH MA'AM!

- SHALL I FETCH THE MIDWIFE? - YES.

THESE TWO GENTLEMEN ARE MY UNCLE TOBY AND CORPORAL TRIM.

THEY'RE RECREATING THE BATTLE OF NAMUR

WHERE THEY BOTH FOUGHT.

( men yelling )

GET THEM FORWARD!

COLONEL INGOLDSBY'S ORDERS, SIR. THE FLAG IS TO ADVANCE

TO THE DITCH BEHIND THE 50-POUNDER.

WHAT?! THE DITCH?

THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS A DITCH OUT THERE.

THE DITCH BEHIND THE 50-POUNDER, SIR!

THAT IS A RAVELIN. A RAVELIN.

A FARMER DIGS A DITCH!

- AND SO-- - SIR, GET DOWN!

( men screaming )

WHEN I SAID THIS WAS A COCK AND BULL STORY,

IT WAS MY COCK I WAS TALKING ABOUT,

NOT UNCLE TOBY'S.

AFTER ALL, AM I NOT THE HERO OF MY OWN LIFE?

- WHERE'S MY CHAMBER-POT? - MASTER TRISTRAM, WHERE IS IT?

WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH IT? IS IT HIDDEN UNDER THE BED?

- WHERE IS IT? - YOU'LL HAVE TO LET OUT OF THE WINDOW--

I NEED TO PEE!

LIFT YOUR NIGHTSHIRT UP.

POKE YOUR LITTLE PECKER OUT THE WINDOW.

DO YOU THINK THE TIME MIGHT COME WHEN YOU DON'T MAKE MUCH OF A FUSS

ABOUT PASSING YOUR WATER? THAT'S IT.

- ( slams ) - ( screaming )

THAT IS A CHILD ACTOR PRETENDING TO BE ME.

I'LL BE ABLE TO PLAY MYSELF LATER.

I THINK I COULD PROBABLY GET AWAY WITH BEING...

18, 19?

UNTIL THEN, I'LL BE PLAYED BY A SERIES OF CHILD ACTORS.

THIS WAS THE BEST OF A BAD BUNCH.

- ( screaming, yelling ) - HE'S UNABLE TO CONVEY THE PAIN OR SHOCK

OF SUCH AN EVENT.

I THINK I CAN.

SUSANNAH SAID I WAS DOING IT EXACTLY HOW YOU DID IT.

IT MAY BE THE SAME NOISE,

BUT IT DOESN'T HAVE THE EMOTION.

GO ON, THEN. SHOW ME HOW TO DO IT.

( screaming )

I WAS DOING IT WITH A COMEDY,

NOT A PANTOMIME.

( screaming )

MASTER TRISTRAM!

COME HERE, LET ME FIX IT ALL BETTER.

JUST ABOUT MURDERED YOU.

OH MY DARLING.

- MY DEAR DARLING. - ( crying )

YES, THERE...

THERE, WHAT HAPPENED?

THIS IS MY BEAUTIFUL, LOVELY MOTHER

ELIZABETH.

HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?

- ( whimpering ) - Trim: IT WAS MY FAULT.

- I REMOVED THE WEIGHTS FROM THE SASH WINDOW-- - Elizabeth: WHAT?

AT MR. TOBY'S REQUEST TO MAKE MORTARS FOR THE SIEGE OF NAMUR.

I WISH NOW WITH ALL MY HEART I HAD CUT OFF SOMETHING ELSE.

( gasps )

- ( crying ) - MY POOR LITTLE TRISTRAM.

SO BOTH MY UNCLE AND MYSELF WERE VICTIMS

OF THE BATTLE OF NAMUR

EVEN THOUGH IT TOOK PLACE YEARS BEFORE MY BIRTH.

I WAS NOT UNMANNED, BY THE WAY.

I WAS CIRCUMCISED LIKE A LOT OF MEN--

MANLY MEN.

I CAN'T SPEAK FOR MY UNCLE IN THAT AREA,

ALTHOUGH EVEN AS A BOY I WAS CURIOUS.

SIR, WHERE WERE YOU INJURED DURING BATTLE?

- THIS STRETCH OF WALL... - THIS ONE LOOKS QUITE LIKE ME.

THE FRONT OF THE CURTAIN IS THE BREAST.

- NONE OF THE MEN-- - THERE'S A RAVELIN BELOW THIS FOSSE.

- I SHALL DIG IT NOW, SIR. - THERE WAS INDEED, CORPORAL, YES.

I TUMBLED INTO IT JUST-- IN THE COURSE OF THE AFTERNOON.

WHERE EXACTLY WERE YOU INJURED?

I WILL SHOW YOU THE EXACT SPOT.

SOLDIER, QUICK MARCH.

I RECEIVED MY INJURY AT NINE OF THE CLOCK

- JUST HERE. - IN THE--

IN THE DITCH.

Tristram's voice: I'M GETTING AHEAD OF MYSELF.

I AM NOT YET BORN.

( trumpets sounding )

MRS. SHANDY'S TOOK BAD, SIR,

WITH THE PANGS, SIR.

THEY'RE COMING THICK AND FAST. ON MY WAY TO FETCH MIDWIFE.

- SHE'S DOING BADLY? - Man: YES, SIR.

WITH THE PANGS.

WHEN I WAS BORN, MY FATHER WAS FOUR YEARS OLDER THAN I AM NOW.

SO, GIVEN THE FAMILY RESEMBLANCE,

I THOUGHT I SHOULD PORTRAY HIM

- AS WELL AS MYSELF. - ( bell ringing )

Toby: WALTER! BROTHER WALTER!

BROTHER, ELIZABETH ISN'T WELL, BROTHER.

- SHE'S SUFFERING FROM PANGS. - PANGS?

I BELIEVE SHE WAS REFERRING TO THE BIRTH PANGS, SIR.

SHE'S GONE TO FETCH THE MIDWIFE

- AND FAST-- - THE MIDWIFE?

NO NO NO NO.

OBADIAH! OBADIAH!

I WANT YOU TO RIDE LIKE THE DEVIL TO DR. SLOP'S

AND TELL HIM MY WIFE HAS FALLEN INTO LABOR

AND I DESIRE HIM TO COME IMMEDIATELY.

I WILL NOT HAVE THE MIDWIFE DELIVER MY SON.

- ( whinnies ) - COME ON! COME ON! GET UP!

YOU MAY FIND IT SURPRISING THAT THE METHOD OF MY BIRTH

HAD YET TO BE DECIDED.

THE CAUSE WAS NOT TOO LITTLE PLANNING, BUT TOO MUCH.

"I, WALTER SHANDY, UNDERTAKE TO ARRANGE FOR ANY CONFINEMENT

OF ELIZABETH SHANDY IN LONDON,

AND FURTHER UNDERTAKE TO PAY ALL EXPENSES

ARISING FROM THAT CONFINEMENT."

HMM.

WHAT IS THE SMALLER WRITING HERE?

THAT'S JUST SMALL PRINT. YOU ALWAYS GET THAT.

THIS IS THE BEGINNING OF ALL MY WOES.

I SHOULD HAVE TO STAY IN YORKSHIRE?

YES, ONLY IF YOU ONCE

ALREADY MADE THE JOURNEY TO LONDON BY MISTAKE.

( man laughs )

Tristram's voice: IN THE SEPTEMBER BEFORE MY BIRTH

MY MOTHER, BEING PREGNANT-- OR SO SHE THOUGHT--

INSISTED MY FATHER TAKE HER TO LONDON.

- YOU ALL RIGHT, MY LOVE? - I'M FAIRLY COMFORTABLE.

NOT LONG NOW.

JUST ANOTHER TWO DAYS.

TELL ME, DOCTOR, IN YOUR OPINION, IS IT A BOY OR A GIRL?

I'M AFRAID, MADAM, IT IS NEITHER.

IT IS A PHANTOM ONLY.

HOW CAN THAT BE?

THIS HAPPENS MORE THAN YOU CAN KNOW.

£10.

£10 TO TELL US

THAT IT'S WIND THAT IS INFLATING YOU.

ANY OTHER TIME OF THE YEAR WOULD HAVE BEEN FINE, BUT...

ALL MY PLUMS WILL BE SPOILED.

IT'S NOT THE EXPENSE THAT BOTHERS ME,

BUT THE DISAPPOINTMENT OF LOSING A CHILD.

WALTER, I TOO HAVE LOST A CHILD!

NO MATTER, DEAR.

DON'T FRET. PLEASE.

Tristram's voice: UNFORTUNATELY, DUE TO THE LENGTH AND DISCOMFORT

OF THE JOURNEY, BY THE TIME THEY'D ARRIVED BACK AT SHANDY HALL,

MY FATHER HAD DECIDED TO IMPLEMENT THE SMALL PRINT:

"THE NEXT BIRTH SHALL BE AT HOME."

( screaming )

IT IS INFURIATING

THAT ELIZABETH HAS THIS HUMOR TO...

ENTRUST THE LIFE OF OUR CHILD

TO AN IGNORANT OLD WOMAN WHEN THE ADMIRABLE DR. SLOP

WITH ALL HIS MODERN INSTRUMENTS

IS SO READILY AT HAND.

PERHAPS SHE DOES NOT CARE TO LET A MAN

THAT CLOSE TO HER, UM...

HER WHAT? SAY IT, MAN.

BY HEAVENS, WHAT'S THAT? DO YOU THINK SHE'S TO LAY AN EGG?

YOU KNOW NOTHING OF WOMEN AT ALL.

( retching )

NOTHING AT ALL.

NO MATTER. THE POINT IS SLOP DOES.

HE KNOWS THEM INSIDE OUT.

HE HAS A FINE BRASS INSTRUM--

OBADIAH, YOU WERE QUICK.

FORTUNE FAVORED US.

- DR. SLOP. - I ONLY CAME TO BORROW SOME PIPE TOBACCO.

( squawks )

( men yelling, horses whinnying )

DR. SLOP!

WHERE THE DEVIL ARE YOU GOING AT SUCH A RATE?!

TO FETCH YOU, SIR.

I WAS TELLING MY BROTHER ABOUT YOUR FINE BRASS INSTRUMENT,

THE ONE WITH THE HINGE.

IT WAS NEW INVENTED. IT'S CALLED...

- FORCEPS. - AYE, THE FORCEPS.

I LIKE THE LOOK OF THOSE.

THE FORCEPS, THEY'RE IN A BAG HANGING OFF MY BED-HEAD.

( screaming )

I COULD...

NO NO, IT MUST BE DONE PROPERLY.

OBADIAH! OBADIAH!

- I'LL GIVE THEE A CROWN IF THOU DOST HASTEN. - THANK YOU, SIR!

AND I, ANOTHER!

( screaming ) SUSANNAH!

- WILL YOU TAKE A PIPE, DOCTOR? - I WILL.

I'D SAY WE HAD...

A GOOD DEAL OF PIPING AT FLANDERS, DOCTOR.

COME ON! ( panting )

I MEANT PIPE TO SMOKE?

WELL, IF IT'S SMOKE YOU'RE AFTER,

THEN FLANDERS WAS THE PLACE...

AT THE BATTLE OF NAMUR

- WHEN THE CANNONS WERE SET OFF. - LOOSED.

"LOOSED" IS THE PROPER WORD, TRIM, YES.

( sobbing )

DR. SLOP, ALLOW ME TO SHOW YOU A MAP...

- ( screaming continues ) - ...OF SUCH DETAIL

AND ARTISTRY AS TO MAKE A MAN'S EYES WATER.

( whimpering )

I'M HERE, I'M HERE.

HERE, THE CITY OF-- COME, DOCTOR, COME--

THE CITY OF NAMUR AS IT APPEARED

TO THE BESIEGING FORCES THAT MORNING IN 1695.

THE ENGLISH AND THE SCOTS

UNDER THE COMMAND OF GENERAL RAMSAY

WERE POSITIONED IN THE TRENCHES TO THE RIGHT.

NOW THE DILEMMA FOR THE GOOD GENERAL WAS:

WHICH WAY FORWARD?

THERE WERE MANY DIRECTIONS TO CHOOSE FROM.

IT IS MY HUMBLE OPINION THAT HE CHOSE THE BEST DIRECTION.

( soldiers yelling )

NO, BROTHER, WHAT HAPPENED THAT DAY TO YOU?

IS EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT?

YOU KNOW... DOWN THERE.

( Toby wailing )

Trim: ALMOST THERE, SIR.

( Toby yelling )

WHERE DOES IT HURT? WHERE WERE YOU HIT?

- Man: SIR. - ( whistling melody )

THIS MAN'S LOST HIS MIND.

I THINK THE INJURY MAY BE IN A DELICATE PLACE, SIR,

WHICH MY MASTER IS TOO MODEST TO MENTION.

- ( screams ) - DAMN.

CAN A MAN BE TOO DELICATE TOO NAME HIS OWN PRIVATES

YET STRONG ENOUGH TO FIGHT A WAR?

I SHALL HAVE YOU SENT HOME, SIR.

( sobbing )

( whistles melody )

( whistling melody )

( grunting )

UNLESS THIS OBADIAH MAKES HASTE,

THE THING WILL BEFALL US WITHOUT FORCEPS.

( knocks on door )

Toby: HERE HE IS!

WELL DONE, SIR, WELL DONE.

GOOD MAN.

( screaming )

A KNIFE, HAVE YOU A KNIFE?

I HAVE A KNIFE.

USE YOUR TEETH, DR. SLOP.

YOUR TEETH... OH WELL.

OW, MY FINGER!

NOW THIS, DR. SLOP, IS A BOOK

- IN WHICH THERE IS A FINE ENGRAVING-- - I DON'T WANT TO SEE

YOUR ARMIES AT FLANDERS OR ANYWHERE,

AND IF I GET MY HANDS ON THE BLOCKHEAD

WHO TIED THESE BLASTED KNOTS,

I'LL KICK HIM ALL THE WAY TO BLOODY FLANDERS.

I HAVE A BOOK--

"COLORFUL WORDS FOR ALL OCCASIONS."

- LET ME-- - I'VE GOT YOU, MA'AM.

NOW, ON CUTTING THE THUMB OR FINGER WITH THE PENKNIFE.

- THERE WE GO, THE VERY WORD. - NO, I DON'T WANT...

( screaming )

BY THE AUTHORITY OF GOD ALMIGHTY,

THE FATHER, SON AND HOLY GHOST,

AND OF ALL HOLY CANONS,

AND OF THE UNDEFILED VIRGIN MARY,

- MOTHER OF OUR SAVIOR... - MAY HE BE DAMNED.

I'LL GO FETCH DR. SLOP.

( screaming ) NO! NO! NO!

"UNLESS HE REPENT HIM OF TYING SUCH KNOTS,

MAY HE BE CURSED IN HIS EYE,

IN HIS MOUTH, IN HIS HEART, IN HIS STOMACH,

- MAY HE BE CURSED--" - DOCTOR, MIDWIFE IS HERE.

THE MIDWIFE IS HERE.

AND SHE'S BRUISED THE UPPER PART OF HER THIGH, HERE.

I'LL COME AND LOOK AT IT.

YOU'D BETTER LOOK INTO MY MISTRESS.

( gasps ) YOU'RE NOT FIXIN' TO USE THEM ON THE LITTLE CHILD?

YES, THIS IS THE VERY LATEST.

WITH THESE...

I CAN EXTRUDE THE BABY'S HEAD

BEFORE THE MOTHER HAS A CHANCE TO MASH ITS HEAD TO DOUGH.

I CAN SHOW YOU. CAPTAIN SHANDY,

MAKE A BABY'S HEAD OF YOUR HANDS.

YOU'RE TO IMAGINE THESE SLEEVES

ARE MRS. SHANDY'S...

FUNNEL.

- FUNNEL? - MEAT CURTAINS.

MEAT CURTAIN? BROTHER?

MY BROTHER KNOWS NOTHING OF WOMEN.

I INSERT THE FORCEPS THUS,

GENTLY ENCLOSING THE BABY'S HEAD, YOU SEE?

AND THEN I GENTLY... TUG IT!

OOH! AGH!

BROTHER! BY MY HONOR,

DR. SLOP HAS TAKEN THE SKIN CLEAN

OFF THE BACK OF MY HAND, MAN,

WITH YOUR... FORCEPS!

YOU'VE CRUSHED MY KNUCKLES TO A JELLY IN THE BARGAIN.

LUCKY IT'S NOT THE BABY'S HEAD.

A BABY'S HEAD IS NATURALLY AS SOFT AS A PATH OF MELON.

IT'S BUT A SCRATCH.

- TRIM, FETCH A MELON. RUN! - YES, SIR.

- ( door slams ) - NOTHING LIKE A BABY'S HEAD.

- NOTHING LIKE ONE. - ENTIRELY DIFFERENT.

- MELON. - Dr. Slop: THANK YOU, TRIM.

BABY'S HEAD!

THIS IS A MUCH MORE ACCURATE REPRESENTATION.

- FUNNEL. - FUNNEL?

ALL READY, AND THEN WE MERELY...

( laughing )

HAD MY FATHER POSSESSED A MORE SCIENTIFIC MIND,

THE TRAGEDY OF MY NOSE

COULD HAVE BEEN AVOIDED,

BUT HE WAS OF A MORE PHILOSOPHICAL BENT,

USED TO ARGUING FROM FIRST PRINCIPLES.

SO EVENTUALLY WHEN I WAS BORN,

I WAS DELIVERED WITH THE VERY FORCEPS

THAT HAD CRUSHED THE PATH OF THE MELON.

( wailing )

( Tristram crying )

THE BABY'S BORN. YOU HAVE A SON.

( both cheering )

- CONGRATULATIONS-- - I NEED SOMETHING STIFF...

BUT FLEXIBLE FOR A SPLINT.

- A QUILL, PERHAPS. - OOH, THAT'LL DO.

WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO MY SON?

DOCTOR NEEDS TO MAKE A BRIDGE.

I'M NOT FINISHED. SUSANNAH!

SUSANNAH!

- DOCTOR. - SUSANNAH.

HMM.

WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO MY SON?

THERE WAS A SMALL MISHAP.

A MISHAP WITH THE MACHINERY.

- MACHINERY? - IT IS THE FORCEPS.

HE HAS MERELY...

BROKEN HIS NOSE.

Tristram's voice: IT HAD EVER BEEN MY FATHER'S WISH

TO HAVE A SON WITH A BIG NOSE.

ALL THE GREAT MEN OF ANTIQUITY HAD BIG NOSES,

A NOSE LIKE CAESAR, DANTE,

PYTHAGORAS, NEWTON,

ALEXANDER THE GREAT.

BUT I'M GETTING AHEAD OF MYSELF.

I AM NOT YET BORN.

I'LL ATTEND THE LADY.

NO!

GEE!

DEIRDRE, CONFOUND YOU!

DON'T YOU TOUCH THOSE!

GET OFF! GET-- BACK!

MY SON IS NOT YET BORN

AND ALREADY I AM EXHAUSTED.

SHOULD WE GO AND SEE THE FORTIFICATIONS?

( wailing, groaning )

MRS. SHANDY...

- GET ON THE BED. - ( gasps )

THE BED, WOMAN, THE BED.

THERE IS NOTHING MORE IMPORTANT...

THAN THE CHOICE OF NAME

IN DECIDING THE FUTURE OF A CHILD.

- ( crying ) - FOUR FINGERS,

- SHE'S FOUR FINGERS DILATED-- - Dr. Slop: GOOD.

THE HIGHEST IS TRISMEGISTUS AS IN HERMES TRISMEGISTUS,

THE GREATEST PHILOSOPHER, THE GREATEST LAW-GIVER,

THE GREATEST PRIEST.

AND HE WAS AN ENGINEER.

THEN YOU SHOULD CALL HIM THAT, THEN.

THE CHILD SHOULD BE CALLED TRISTRAM.

- TRISTRAM, NO. - TRISTRAM.

NO, TRISTRAM'S THE WORST. TRISTRAM IS THE DOG'S BREATH WORST...

I KNOW.

HOW DID I COME TO BE NAMED TRISTRAM GIVEN MY FATHER'S VIEWS?

WELL, EVEN THOUGH MY BIRTH IS FAST APPROACHING,

THERE'S STILL TIME TO CATCH

THE TRAGEDY OF MY NAMING.

( snoring )

SIR, IT'S THE BABY. IT'S THE BABY, SIR.

HE IS AS BLACK AS NIGHT. BLACK AS MY SHOES, SIR.

THERE, HE'S AS BLACK AS MY SHOE.

WE MIGHT LOSE THE BABY, SIR.

THE PARSON IS HERE AND HIS HORSE.

THE BABY MUST BE BAPTIZED.

- YES. HAND ME MY BRITCHES, PLEASE. - NO.

THERE'S NO TIME TO GET DRESSED.

MY MISTRESS WANTED TO KNOW IF IT SHOULD BE NAMED AFTER CAPTAIN TOBY

AS HE'S THE GODFATHER.

Tristram's voice: IF MY FATHER HAD BEEN SURE I WAS GOING TO DIE,

HE WOULD HAVE COMPLIMENTED TOBY BY NAMING ME SO,

THEREBY SAVING THE NAME OF TRISMEGISTUS

FOR ONE WHO MIGHT SURVIVE.

BUT HE COULDN'T BE SURE.

THE NAME, SIR, THE NAME, THE NAME.

- TRISMEGISTUS. - TRISMEGISTUS.

YOU'RE A LEAKY VESSEL.

CAN YOU CARRY IT THE LENGTH OF THE CORRIDOR WITHOUT SPILLING?

TRISMEGISTUS, TRISMEGISTUS,

TRIS-- TRISTRAM GISTUS,

TRISTRAM GISTUS...

- ( church bells ringing ) - ( crying )

( baby cooing )

TRISME--

- TRISTRAM? - NO, IT'S NOT THAT, NO.

THERE IS NO CHRISTIAN NAME BEGINNING "TRIS" BUT TRISTRAM.

NO, IT'S NOT TRISTRAM.

IT HAS SOME "GISTUS" IN IT.

TRISTRAM GISTUS?

TRISTRAM GISTUS!

THERE IS NO "GISTUS" IN IT, DEAR.

IT IS MY NAME AND A VERY FINE NAME IT IS, TOO.

I BAPTIZE YOU IN THE NAME OF THE FATHER, THE SON AND THE HOLY GHOST,

TRISTRAM SHANDY.

ALL IS WELL. LITTLE TRISTRAM IS MADE RIGHT WITH GOD.

( Elizabeth continues crying )

"...BRETHREN, THIS CHILD IS REGENERATE,

GRAFTED INTO THE BODY OF CHRIST'S CHURCH.

LET US GIVE THANKS TO ALMIGHTY GOD..."

( continues reading )

LOOK, MA'AM.

HE IS WELL.

HE'S NOT BLACK ANYMORE.

MA'AM, LOOK.

IT'S A MIRACLE.

YOU HAVE NOT FORGOTTEN THE NAME.

( laughs ) NO, AND THE BABY IS WELL.

MY BEAUTIFUL BEAUTIFUL TRISTRAM SHANDY.

TRISTRAM?

MY SON HAS BEEN CURSED FROM THE MOMENT OF HIS CONCEPTION.

Tristram's voice: NOW, I FORGOT TO MENTION THIS.

- WELL, IT'S NOT THAT I FORGOT. IT'S MORE THAT I THOUGHT... - ( moaning )

I SHOULD SAVE IT UNTIL WE KNEW EACH OTHER BETTER.

MY FATHER HAD TWO DOMESTIC OBLIGATIONS

AND BEING A SYSTEMATIC MAN, HE LIKED TO DISPENSE THEM BOTH AT ONCE.

THE FIRST WAS TO WIND THE CLOCK.

THE SECOND WAS MORE ENJOYABLE.

( squealing ) WALTER!

Tristram's voice: YOU MAY BE FAMILIAR WITH LOCKE'S THEORY

OF THE ASSOCIATION OF IDEAS.

IT'S BEEN UPDATED SINCE BY PAVLOV AND HIS DOG.

IF THE DOG HEARS THE METRONOME WHEN HE'S BEING FED,

THE DOG STARTS TO ASSOCIATE THE METRONOME AND FOOD.

SO IN THE END, IF HE HEARS THE METRONOME

EVEN WHEN THERE'S NO FOOD,

THE DOG STARTS TO SALIVATE.

A SIMILAR ASSOCIATION OF IDEAS TOOK ROOT IN MY MOTHER'S HEAD

BETWEEN ONE DOMESTIC OBLIGATION AND THE OTHER.

AS SOON AS SHE HEARD MY FATHER WINDING THE CLOCK,

SHE BEGAN TO SALIVATE, AS IT WERE.

OF COURSE, IT WORKS THE OTHER WAY AROUND TOO.

AFTER A WHILE,

IF YOU GIVE THE DOG THE FOOD WITHOUT THE METRONOME,

THE DOG PRODUCES NO SALIVA.

SO ON THE OCCASION MY FATHER CAME HOME

AND WAS FEELING SO KEEN TO DISPENSE ONE OBLIGATION

HE SKIPPED THE OTHER, HE SURPRISED MY MOTHER...

WALTER.

ELIZABETH.

...WHO WAS THEREFORE UNABLE TO PRODUCE ANY SALIVA.

MY DEAR...

MY DEAR, HAVE YOU NOT FORGOT TO WIND-UP THE CLOCK?

( grunting )

SO IT WAS THE CIRCUMSTANCES OF MY CONCEPTION

WERE AS CONFUSED AS THOSE OF MY BIRTH.

( sighs )

GOOD NIGHT.

( grunting, wailing )

YOWLING WON'T HELP.

- HOW IS SHE? - IT MAY BE SOME HOURS YET.

- I CAN SEE THE HEAD, MA'AM. - LET ME SEE.

- LET ME THROUGH. - I'LL FETCH THE--

- NO NO NO NO. - I CAN'T SEE WITH THE SHEET--

THAT'S IT, THAT'S IT.

LAY HER DOWN FLAT! FLAT!

I CAN'T WORK LIKE THIS! FLAT!

( screaming )

AND... THANK YOU.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH. OKAY, THAT'S IT.

- WE'LL PICK UP TOMORROW MORNING. SAME SCENE. - ARE WE GOOD?

( all chattering )

OKAY, MOVE THE SET PIECE, PLEASE.

RUSHES SCREENING AT 8:00 FOR ANYONE INVOLVED IN THE BATTLE SCENE.

I CAN'T ACTUALLY SEE THE BABY'S HEAD.

OKAY? ALL RIGHT, THEN.

MARK, WE'RE NOT DOING THE-- YOU DON'T WANT THE BIRTH TODAY?

NO, TOMORROW MORNING.

- THAT'S GREAT. - THIS SCENE'S SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT WALTER'S...

LOVE FOR HIS SON.

I DON'T FEEL VERY INVOLVED, I FEEL QUITE PERIPHERAL.

I DON'T THINK MARK'S READ THE BOOK SINCE HE WAS NINE.

I'M NOT TRYING TO BE GREEDY--

DON'T WORRY, YOU'RE IN IT, DEFINITELY.

- ( laughs ) - I'M NOT SAYING THAT.

I'VE GOT TO SEE DEBBIE ABOUT SHOES.

ALL RIGHT, I'LL GET RID OF THESE AND I'LL TAKE YOU TO COSTUME.

- ALL RIGHT, OKAY, YEAH. - YEAH?

- YOU ALL RIGHT? - YEAH, I'M FINE.

SHOULD WE TAKE THIS NOSE OFF NOW

OR SHOULD WE DO IT IN THE MAKEUP TRUCK?

YEAH, 'CAUSE I DON'T WANT-- MY SON WON'T RECOGNIZE ME.

- HEY! - HELLO.

( baby crying )

- HOW ARE YOU? - FINE, GREAT, THANK YOU.

OH...

APPLE CRUMBLE AND CUSTARD.

THEY MADE ME EAT IT.

STEVE?

I'LL TAKE YOU TO COSTUME WHEN YOU'RE READY.

ALL RIGHT, JENNIE, THIS IS JENNY.

- HELLO. - HELLO.

THIS IS JENNIE ALSO, NOT JENNIE TOO, JENNIE ALSO.

YEAH, ME AND JENNIE WERE...

FLIRTING BEFORE, BUT NOW THAT YOU'RE HERE,

WE'RE JUST GONNA STOP THAT FOR A WHILE.

- GREAT, GOOD. - OKAY? GOOD.

SHE'S SO BEAUTIFUL.

- WHAT'S SHE CALLED? - THANK YOU.

HE'S A BOY.

- RIGHT, SORRY. - HE'S CALLED STEVEN.

- WHAT, STEVEN LIKE HIS DAD? - YEAH.

- HI. - Steve: HEY.

- HELLO. - YOU ALL RIGHT?

- I'M GOOD, HOW ARE YOU? - I SAW YOU SITTING THERE.

YOU WANT TO BE IN THE MOVIE?

- DON'T, YOU'RE UPSETTING HIM. - ( laughs )

SORRY, STEVE, BUT LEO NEEDS YOU FOR A COUPLE OF MINUTES

- TO TRY OUT THE WOMB. IS THAT OKAY? - NOW?

YEAH, JENNIE'LL TAKE YOU OVER.

- SO, I'VE GOTTA GO AND DO THIS, BABY. - IT'S OKAY.

- I'LL SEE YOU LATER. - ( crying )

- OKAY. - NICE TO MEET YOU.

- NICE TO MEET YOU. - ( sighs )

YOUR WIFE'S VERY PRETTY.

YEAH YES, SHE'S NOT MY WIFE,

BUT A... GIRLFRIEND.

YEAH, SHE'S JUST UP FOR A COUPLE OF DAYS.

Leo: HI, STEVE, THANKS FOR DOING THIS.

- WOW. - THAT'S THE WOMB

FOR WHEN YOU'RE TALKING TO THE CAMERA AS TRISTRAM.

YEAH, I KNOW WHAT IT IS. IT'S JUST A WHILE SINCE I'VE SEEN ONE.

DID MARK TALK TO YOU ABOUT BEING UPSIDE DOWN?

- NO, HE DIDN'T. - AH.

THAT'S WHAT WE NEED TO TRY OUT.

REAL WOMBS DON'T HAVE A WINDOW LIKE THAT, THOUGH, DO THEY?

- WOMB WITH A VIEW. - WOMB WITH A VIEW.

Steve: SO THAT'S VERY GOOD THEN.

TELL MY MOTHER I'M SORRY FOR EVERYTHING.

YOU'LL BE FINE.

YOU CAN LET THE WALLS OUT NOW.

HEY HEY-- THAT'S WRONG.

OKAY, I'LL TRY THE OTHER WAY.

( grunting ) YEAH.

Man: OKAY, LOWER HIM DOWN.

THAT'S IT.

I JUST KEPT GETTING CAUGHT A BIT.

Man: THAT'S IT, OPEN THE WALLS OUT.

RIGHT. THAT LOOKS GREAT.

- IT LOOKS GOOD? - IT LOOKS GREAT.

( man laughing ) YOU'VE PUT ON WEIGHT.

- EH? - YOU'VE PUT ON WEIGHT.

I'VE NOT PUT ON WEIGHT.

IF I'M A FETUS GOING OFF TO KICK AND STRETCH,

THAT'S WHAT FETUS-- FETI DO.

YEAH, NOT WHEN THEY'RE FULL TERM.

YOU SEE THE BABY JUST ABOUT TO BE BORN,

SO HE'D FILL THE WHOLE SPACE.

HE'D BE UPSIDE DOWN AND HIS HEAD WOULD BE WEDGED

IN THE MOTHER'S PELVIS.

( muffled )

HOW ABOUT FILMING THE OTHER WAY AROUND--

THE RIGHT WAY UP, AND THEN JUST FLIP THE IMAGE?

WELL, MAYBE, BUT I'D HAVE TO HAVE

A WORD WITH MARK ABOUT THAT.

I MEAN, I THINK HE WANTED THE REALISM.

- HE WANTS REALISM? - YEAH.

YEAH, I'M A GROWN MAN TALKING TO THE CAMERA

IN A FUCKING WOMB.

OKAY, ALL RIGHT, GET ME OUT.

- GET HIM OUT-- - PLEASE, JUST GET ME OUT, HE'S-- HE'S A DICK!

- THAT'S FINE, STEVE. - ALL RIGHT, PULL-- GET ME OUT.

- GET HIM OUT. - PLEASE...

( muffled )

NO, YOU JAM ME-- YOU'RE JAMMING ME!

WHOA! EASY! EASY!

EASY, EASY!

- ( sighs ) - ( rooster crowing )

- YOU ALL RIGHT? - YEAH YEAH.

Leo: THAT WAS GREAT, STEVE.

REALLY REALLY GOOD.

- WELL, GOOD. - THAT'S GONNA WORK PERFECTLY.

I THINK THE CLOTHES MAKE IT TIGHTER.

IT'LL BE ALL RIGHT ON THE DAY.

- I'M NOT DOING IT NAKED. - WELL, THAT'S HOW BABIES ARE.

BUT BABIES DON'T HAVE TO BE FUNNY.

I THINK YOU'D LOOK FUNNY NAKED.

"EVERY MAN THINKS LESS OF HIMSELF

FOR NOT HAVING BEEN A SOLDIER..."

- DR. JOHNSON. - YEAH, WELL, YOU ARE ONE NOW.

HE WOULD DEFINITELY HAVE WORN A HAT.

HE WOULD HAVE WORN A HAT.

- WELL, I'VE GOT A HAT. - NO QUESTION ABOUT IT.

I HATE THE HAT.

YES WELL, YOU'RE NOT UNCLE TOBY, ARE YOU?

YOU'RE...

ROB BRYDON.

AH, THAT'S IT.

I WAS TRYING TO TELL MY WIFE ABOUT YOU,

BUT I COULDN'T REMEMBER YOUR NAME.

HI, STEVE.

HI.

THIS IS-- IN THE RESHOOTS FOR THE BIG SCENE.

I'M NOT IN THE BATTLE SCENE.

NO.

- WHAT DO YOU THINK? - NOT BAD.

- THE HAT'S A WORRY. - IT'S HISTORICALLY ACCURATE,

SO WE HAVE TO WEAR IT. I DON'T LIKE IT EITHER.

- JENNIE? - MM-HMM?

- CAN I GET A COFFEE, PLEASE, LOVE? - YEAH, SURE.

- ROB, DO YOU WANT ONE? - YES, PLEASE, CAN I HAVE A MACCHIATO?

- OKAY, I'LL TRY. - THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

ACTUALLY, JENNIE, CAN I HAVE...

ONE OF THOSE AS WELL?

YEAH, OKAY.

- SHOES. - SHOES.

YOU WORRY BECAUSE YOURS ARE DIFFERENT FROM TOBY'S.

IT'S NOT THAT, IT'S--

WALTER IN ALL THE SCENES WITH TOBY IS SUPPOSED TO DOMINATE.

THIS WOULD HAVE BEEN COVERED IN POWDER.

BECAUSE OF THE HEELS, IT COMES ACROSS THAT I'M--

BECAUSE I'M SHORTER, I'M OVER COMPENSATING,

LIKE I'VE GOT SOME NAPOLEON COMPLEX, YOU KNOW.

SO YOU DON'T LIKE THE SHOES?

SO WE JUST HAVE TO VOMIT ON THEM.

I SHOULD DOMINATE TOTALLY IN THOSE SCENES.

IT SHOULD BE LIKE I'M GANDALF AND HE'S FRODO.

YOU SHALL NOT HAVE THE RING.

- ( laughs ) - VERY GOOD, VERY GOOD, ROB.

- I DO STEVE AS WELL. - CAN YOU?

CAN WE JUST SORT THE SHOES OUT FIRST?

( mocking ) "CAN WE JUST SORT THE SHOES OUT FIRST?"

I'VE GOT A BIG HOUSE IN THE HOLLYWOOD HILLS.

( throaty voice ) LOOK AT MY POLE!

SEE, THAT'S ALAN PARTRIDGE. I DON'T SPEAK LIKE THAT.

- I DON'T TALK THAT WAY. YES, I DO. - STOP IT!

( laughing )

Wardrobe woman: SO, ROB'S TOO TALL.

- OR YOU'RE TOO SMALL. - NO NO NO.

NO, ROB'S SHOES ARE TOO HIGH.

ROB'S SHORT. THAT'S A GOOD THING.

- HMM. - THAT'S WHY HE WAS HIRED.

THE PROBLEM'S CONTINUITY BECAUSE

WE'VE ALREADY SHOT QUITE A BIT WITH THESE SHOES.

IT SHOULD STAND STRAIGHT. THESE ARE JUST TOO FLOPPY.

THIS IS NOT AN EGO THING. IT REALLY IS...

IT'S... THE SHOES ARE KEY TO THE CHARACTER.

THE CHARACTER'S SOUL...

IT'S COFFEE, BUT IT'S NOT MACCHIATO.

WELL, I DON'T UNDERSTAND

WHY I'M HERE THEN, IN THAT CASE.

- GREAT, OKAY. - THEY WANT YOU TO DO IT IN COSTUME. IS THAT ALL RIGHT?

Man: THIS IS WRONG.

THIS IS THE WRONG SHOULDER.

YOU WOULD FIRE FROM THAT SHOULDER.

LET'S JUST TRY AND GET THE HATS ON THEM.

AHA!

I'M NOT A HAPPY BOY.

RIGHT. ( laughs )

- HEY, JENNIE, THANKS. I'LL TAKE OVER. - HEY.

THANKS.

- THANKS, JOHNNY. - ALL RIGHT.

TONY THOUGHT IT WOULD LOOK GOOD IF WE HAD SOME CREW IN THE BACKGROUND.

- IS THAT OKAY? - YEAH.

- HOW YOU DOING, BOY? - GOOD TO SEE YOU.

CAN WE START WITH KNOWING ME, TONY WILSON, KNOWING YOU STEVE COOGAN?

- NOW, HOW IS THAT? - LET'S RISE ABOVE THAT, SHALL WE?

- OKAY, YOU'RE RIGHT. - NO, IT'S JUST--

IT'S SOMETHING A TV SERIES DID A LONG TIME AGO,

AND I'M TRYING TO LIKE...

SORT OF...

- CHANGE THE RECORD. - ALL RIGHT.

OKAY, SORRY, MY FAULT, MY FAULT.

I DID ROB YESTERDAY

AND HE DOES A FANTASTIC IMPERSONATION OF YOU.

THEY SAID, "WHEN YOU GOT TO MAKE IT LIKE STEVE, MAKE IT LIKE STEVE COOGAN."

WELL, STEVE, NO MATTER WHAT HE'S DOING,

IS BASICALLY...

( mocking ) OH, YOU'RE SO DIRTY.

I MEAN THAT'S BASICALLY WHETHER HE'S WALTER,

WHETHER HE'S TRISTRAM, WHETHER HE'S STEVE,

OR HE'S ALAN PARTRIDGE,

IT ALL BOILS DOWN TO THAT. STEVE'S HERO IS...

IS ROGER MOORE.

AND ROGER MOORE'S STYLE OF ACTING

( mocking ) IS NOT A MILLION MILES AWAY FROM STEVE'S.

YEAH, I SEE--

IMPRESSION I SEE AS A SINCERE FORM OF FLATTERY.

HE PRETENDS HE'S TAKING THE PISS, BUT HE...

HE LOVES ME, REALLY.

HE'S VERY OBSESSED WITH ME.

Tony: STEVE COOGAN, WHY "TRISTRAM SHANDY"?

THIS IS THE BOOK THAT MANY PEOPLE SAY IS UNFILMABLE.

I THINK THAT'S THE ATTRACTION.

"TRISTRAM SHANDY" WAS A...

POST-MODERN CLASSIC

WRITTEN BEFORE THERE WAS ANY MODERNISM

TO BE POST ABOUT.

SO IT WAS WAY AHEAD OF ITS TIME

AND, IN FACT, FOR THOSE WHO HAVEN'T HEARD OF IT,

IT WAS ACTUALLY LISTED AS NUMBER EIGHT

IN "THE OBSERVER"'S

TOP 100 BOOKS OF ALL TIME.

THAT WAS A CHRONOLOGICAL LIST.

RIGHT. OKAY...

Steve: IF YOU WANT TO SEE THE E.P.K. INTERVIEW,

IT'LL BE PART OF THE DVD PACKAGE

ALONG WITH EXTENDED VERSIONS OF MANY OF THE SCENES

WHICH SHOULD ACT AS FOOTNOTES TO THE MAIN FILM.

IT IS TRISTRAM'S STORY.

IT'S CALLED "THE LIFE AND OPINIONS OF TRISTRAM SHANDY."

SO I GUESS IT WOULD BE TRISTRAM'S STORY,

WHATEVER ELSE YOU MIGHT HEAR.

STEVEN COOGAN, TRISTRAM SHANDY,

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

OKAY, THANKS.

- GREAT. - I WAS SO PLEASED WHEN I HEARD YOU WERE DOING THIS.

IT'S MY FAVORITE NOVEL.

- REALLY? - YEAH, I JUST LOVE IT. IT'S FANTASTIC.

WHO'S PLAYING WIDOW WADMAN?

IT'S MY FAVORITE CHARACTER, WIDOW WADMAN, IN THE BOOK.

- RIGHT, SHE'S NOT IN THE FILM. - NO?

- NO? - IT'S A GREAT LOVE STORY.

I KNOW, IN THE BOOK IT'S A GREAT LOVE STORY.

BUT THERE'S SO MUCH IN THE BOOK,

SO RICH, THEY'VE GOTTA-- YOU KNOW--

- IT'S SAD, I UNDERSTAND. - LOADS OF STUFF IN IT.

YOU'VE GOT TIME FOR A DRINK?

THE MISSUS IS HERE,

- SO... - DON'T YOU WORRY.

LET'S CATCH UP IN MANCHESTER.

ALL RIGHT, MATE, GREAT SEEING YOU.

LOVELY TO SEE YOU AGAIN.

- ALL RIGHT, BOY. - KEEP IT UP.

- GOD BLESS. - ALL RIGHT, GOOD LUCK. THANK YOU. ED!

OH, MARK, I NEED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT SOMETHING.

- SHOES, YEAH? - YEAH YEAH.

THERE'S A BIT OF A PROBLEM.

- TALK TO DEBBIE ABOUT THEM. - OKAY.

WE'LL HAVE A LOOK AT RUSHES AS WELL,

GO OVER THE BATTLE STUFF.

- OKAY, IT'S A STATUS THING. - NO, I UNDERSTAND.

- WELL, 8:00, IS THAT RIGHT? - YEAH.

STEVE? STEVE, CAN I GRAB A LIFT WITH YOU?

THE MINIBUS HAS GONE AND LEFT ME STRANDED.

- YEAH, SURE. - THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

- JUST HOP IN THE BACK. - ALL RIGHT.

- IT'S QUITE CHILLY, ISN'T IT? - ISN'T IT?

- YEAH. - BRRR.

SORRY, STEVE.

BLOCKING YOUR WAY.

Steve: I WOULD DO A SCREEN TEST FOR ALEXANDER PAYNE, YEAH--

Rob: STEVE, SO WOULD I.

SO WOULD ROB BRYDON.

( laughing )

OKAY, I'LL SEE YOU BACK AT THE HOTEL. OKAY, BYE.

- SORRY, THAT WAS MY AGENT. - MY AGENT AS WELL.

SHE JUST WANTS TO TALK TO ME ABOUT SOME SCRIPTS...

- FROM AMERICA. YEAH. - OH, RIGHT.

FUCK YOU, ASSHOLE!

FUCK YOU,

YOU SON OF A BITCH-- ASSHOLE,

FUCK YOU.

I'M TAKING YOU DOWN.

Jennie: I HATE BATTLE SCENES.

I THINK THEY'RE BORING.

I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY THEY'RE BOTHERING TO RESHOOT THIS ONE.

- IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE TO ME. - I COULDN'T AGREE MORE--

I MEAN, THERE IS SO MUCH IN THAT NOVEL.

WHY WOULD YOU CHOOSE THAT?

- DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? - EXACTLY EXACTLY.

WHY NOT CHOOSE WIDOW-- WHAT'S-HER-NAME?

NO NO, 'CAUSE THAT'S A LOVE STORY, ISN'T IT?

LOVE STORIES ARE JUST AS BORING AS BATTLE SCENES.

WHAT IS-- WHAT IS SO ORIGINAL

AND EXCITING ABOUT THE NOVEL

IS THE "TRISTRAPAEDIA."

WHERE TRISTRAM--

NO NO, IT'S WHERE WALTER SPENDS THE ENTIRE PREGNANCY

LIKE COMPILING THIS BOOK OF KNOWLEDGE

LIKE AN ENCYCLOPEDIA,

JUST FOR HIS SON.

THE JEWISH CUSTOM OF CIRCUMCISION

CAME TO THE JEWS BY WAY OF EGYPT

OR POSSIBLY FROM THE SYRIANS

OR THE PHOENICIANS OR THE CAPPADOCIANS,

WHICH SUGGESTS...

THAT ZOLA AND PYTHAGORAS AND PTOLEMY

WERE ALL CIRCUMCISED.

IF THEY SUBMITTED TO IT, WHY NOT YOU?

I THINK THAT'S BRILLIANT.

YEAH, I LOVED THE DEDICATION

THAT WALTER SHOWS TO HIS SON

AND I IDENTIFY WITH THAT.

AND THEN YOU KNOW, LIKE,

TRISTRAM GROWS UP

AND HE'S NOTHING LIKE HIS FATHER WANTED HIM TO BE.

IT JUST ALL GOES WRONG, LIKE WE ALL GO WRONG.

BECAUSE ULTIMATELY, THE WAY WE TURN OUT

- IS JUST ALL A MATTER OF CHANCE, YOU KNOW? - YEAH.

I MEAN, LIKE, FOR INSTANCE,

MY MOM SPENT HER ENTIRE LIFE DEDICATING HERSELF TO ME.

SHE WASHED, SHE COOKED, SHE CLEANED, SHE IRONED,

SHE WORKED IN THE EVENINGS.

- SHE MADE HER LIFE A FUCKING MISERY. - YEAH YEAH, RIGHT.

YOU ASK YOURSELF, "WHAT-- WHAT WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?"

- THE ROAD. - YEAH, SORRY.

I MEAN, YEAH, BUT YOU KNOW,

YOU DO ASK YOURSELF, "WHAT IS THAT ALL ABOUT?" YOU KNOW?

THAT SHOULD BE IN THE FILM.

YOU KNOW, ORIGINALLY I WAS GONNA PLAY

TRISTRAM AND WALTER.

YEAH, THAT'S WHEN IT WAS GONNA BE A SITCOM.

GOD, LOOK AT THEM! THIS IS GONNA BE MASSIVE.

( people yelling )

THERE'S LOADS OF THEM.

THEY'VE ALL BROUGHT THEIR OWN TENTS.

Steve: I DIDN'T KNOW THEY HAD CARAVANS IN THE 18th CENTURY.

Man: STEVE? STEVE?

HOW ARE YOU DOING, MAN?

KNOWING ME, GARY WILSON, KNOWING YOU, STEVE COOGAN.

- IT WAS EIGHT YEARS AGO. - I KNOW, BUT EVERYONE LOVED IT.

- I KNOW THEY DID. - WE MET ON THE SET OF "AROUND THE WORLD"

IN CANNES FOR "24 HOUR PARTY PEOPLE."

- OH RIGHT. - WHAT A NIGHT THAT WAS, EH?

WELL, I CAN'T REMEMBER IT, IT MUST HAVE BEEN.

( coughs ) YEAH, INDEED. I SPOKE TO ADRIAN,

YOUR AGENT, YEAH? I'M DOING A PROFILE ON YOU FOR SUNDAY.

HE'S HERE, SO I'LL TALK TO HIM.

YEAH, GREAT. GOOD GUY.

- HELLO! - HELLO!

- HOW ARE YOU? - I'M GOOD. HOW ARE YOU?

- NICE TO SEE YOU-- AW... - ( crying )

NICE TO HEAR US.

YOU LOOK FANTASTIC!

- REALLY GOOD. - I LOOK DREADFUL.

NO, YOU DON'T. YOU LOOK LIKE A MOM

WHO'S HAVING TO DO EVERYTHING

BECAUSE HER HUSBAND IS AWAY FILMMAKING.

SHE'S GOT A NANNY.

BUT SHE HAS A NANNY, SO THAT'S GOOD.

YEAH. I'LL SEE YOU LATER.

- I NEED TO GO TO THE RUSHES. - OKAY.

I'M GOING TO TRY AND GET HIM DOWN.

CAN YOU GIVE US A HAND?

I'LL GO SEE ADRIAN FOR FIVE MINUTES

- THEN I'LL COME BACK. - OKAY.

SEE YOU LATER.

- HELLO. - HELLO.

- HOW ARE YOU? - VERY WELL, THANK YOU.

- YOU JUST MISSED JENNY. - NO, I JUST SAW HER.

DO YOU MIND IF I JUST HAVE FIVE MINUTES TO TALK WITH ADRIAN?

- DO YOU WANT ME TO GO? - YEAH.

- EVERYBODY'S THERE, YOU SHOULD GO. - ALL RIGHT.

- IT'S NICE TO SEE YOU. - CATCH YOU LATER.

- SEE YOU LATER. - DO YOU WANT A DRINK?

YEAH, CAN I HAVE A VODKA TONIC, PLEASE?

( mutters )

MM... CATERING MUST BE GOOD.

IT'S JUST IT HAS ALL THESE RUNNING SNACKS.

ALL SNACKS AND NO RUNNING BY THE LOOK OF IT.

- I'M SORRY ABOUT GARY BEING HERE. - YEAH, I JUST SAW HIM OUTSIDE.

HE'S A VERY UNPLEASANT MAN.

DO YOU REMEMBER ANYONE CALLED HEATHER?

- GOBBLER? - GOBBLER.

SHE'S A LAP DANCER

AND BY THE SOUND OF WHAT SHE SAYS

YOU'D GONE UP TO HER IN YOUR HOTEL BEDROOM ON THE 20th OF JANUARY.

YOU OUGHT TO BE ABLE TO REMEMBER HER.

( sighs ) OH FUCK.

- DID YOU HAVE SEX WITH HER? - NO.

- DRUGS? - NO.

- YOU DIDN'T HAVE SEX WITH HER? - NO.

NO, YOU DIDN'T?

NO... I DID.

ANYTHING WEIRD?

MM...

- NO. - GOOD.

SHE'S TRYING TO SELL HER STORY TO GARY'S RAG.

THAT'S WHY HE'S HERE.

I PROMISED HIM A FEATURE IF WE CAN LIMIT THE DAMAGE.

HE JUST WANTS TO DO A BIG SPREAD

ON HOW YOUR LIFE HAS COMPLETELY CHANGED

SINCE YOU'VE HAD A BABY, YOU KNOW, VERY SOFT AND FLUFFY.

WELL, I'M NOT ABLE TO DO THAT, SO...

- WELL, JUST THINK ABOUT IT. - IT'S USING MY SON.

- I'M NOT GONNA DO IT. IT'S NOT PROPER. - ALL RIGHT.

JUST DO IT. IT'S DONE AND IT'S OVER.

- IT'S JUST-- - I KNOW.

HERE ARE THOSE SCRIPTS FROM AMERICA.

THE BEST OF THE BUNCH IS H.B.O.--

AN ENGLISH AID WORKER WHO LOSES HIS MEMORY

AND FALLS IN LOVE WITH HIS OWN DAUGHTER.

I'VE READ IT. IT'S RUBBISH.

IT'S JUST... IT'S TV--

- AT H.B.O. THEY DO A LOT OF GOOD STUFF. - MM-HMM.

I'M TOO YOUNG TO PLAY SOMEONE WHO FALLS IN LOVE WITH HIS DAUGHTER.

YOU'D HAVE TO BE A PEDOPHILE.

I MEAN, YOU GOTTA TRY TO THINK TWO FILMS AHEAD.

DON'T I NEED TWO FILMS FOR THAT?

YEAH WELL, THAT'S WHAT WE'RE TRYING TO DO, ISN'T IT?

WELL, THERE YOU GO. I'M GONNA SEE JENNY

- 'CAUSE I'VE GOTTA-- - THE SCRIPTS.

AH, THE SCRIPTS. YES YES.

I'LL ADD THOSE TO THE REST.

OKAY, I'LL SEE YOU AT THE RUSHES.

- SEE YA LATER. BYE. - SEE YOU GUYS LATER. THANKS.

( all chat )

STEVE, STEVE... THIS IS DAVID INGOLDSBY.

- A GENUINE 18th-CENTURY SOLDIER. - 17th CENTURY.

YOU LOOK GOOD FOR YOUR AGE.

THE POINT IS THEY'VE GOT HUNDREDS OF ENTHUSIASTS

AND THEY'RE ALL WILLING, ABLE AND... CHEAP.

- MM. - WELL, WE'D DO IT FOR NOTHING,

- TO BE HONEST WITH YOU. - DON'T TELL HIM THAT.

HE'LL HAVE HAVE YOU DOING IT FOR NOTHING.

IT'LL BE GREAT TO HAVE A PHOTOGRAPH WITH YOU, THOUGH,

'CAUSE I'M A HUGE FAN.

- FIRE AWAY. - DO YOU WANT ME TO TAKE THAT?

- JUST POINT AND SHOOT. - ALL RIGHT THEN.

DAVE'S JUST BEEN IN "AROUND THE WORLD IN 80 DAYS."

- ANY BATTLES? - WELL, NOT REALLY.

IT WAS A JACKIE CHAN FILM. TELL HIM--

DO YOU KNOW THAT THE BEST BATTLE SCENE

IS IN "LANCELOT DU LAC"?

YOU KNOW-- YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT, THE BRESSON FILM.

IT'S JUST THERE'RE THESE TWO KNIGHTS

AND THEY'RE BOTH ENCASED IN ARMOR,

AND THEY JUST KEEP CLOBBERING EACH OTHER.

YOU KNOW, IT GOES ON FOREVER.

YOU'RE JUST HITTING AND HITTING.

IT'S ACTUALLY LIKE A METAPHOR FOR LIFE, YOU KNOW?

IT'S ABOUT THE IMPOSSIBILITY OF ACTUALLY CONNECTING

WITH ANOTHER HUMAN BEING,

BECAUSE WE'RE ALL WEARING THESE CARAPACES,

THIS CASING, THIS RUBBISH, REALLY.

AND THE MORE THEY HIT AND HIT,

ACTUALLY, THE LESS THEY IMPACT.

IT'S-IT'S JUST...

REALLY REALLY MOVING, ACTUALLY.

MM-HMM, WOW.

- I'LL SEE YOU LATER. - OKAY, SEE YOU LATER THEN.

SEE YOU LATER.

WHAT WAS ALL THAT ABOUT?

( chuckles ) YEAH, SHE'S A BIT OF A FILM NUT.

YOU SHOULD HEAR HER WHEN SHE'S ON ABOUT FASSBINDER.

- FASSBINDER? - I'VE GOT A LIST

OF THE MEN THAT FELL--

92 DIED THAT MORNING,

SO YOUR CHAP WAS LUCKY TO BE ALIVE.

I COULD FIX UP YOUR LOT WITH REAL, ACCURATE NAMES,

AND THEN THEY CAN SHOUT OUT THEIR NAMES TO EACH OTHER

IN THE HEAT OF THE BATTLE.

- WHAT DO WE THINK? - THANK YOU VERY MUCH. THAT WOULD BE REALLY--

HAVE YOU SEEN "COLD MOUNTAIN"?

- YEAH. - WHAT DO YOU THINK?

I THOUGHT IT WAS GOOD.

I THOUGHT NICOLE KIDMAN WAS A BIT OLD,

- BUT I THOUGHT IT WAS A GOOD FILM-- - NO NO, THE BATTLE SCENES.

OH, FANTASTIC! VERY VERY GOOD.

THAT EXPLOSION AND WHEN HE JUMPS DOWN...

- THAT WAS THE BEST ONE. - IT'S SHITE!

UTTER SHITE FROM BEGINNING TO END.

WOEFULLY INACCURATE.

RIGHT.

WE WOULDN'T BE INTERESTED IN PARTICIPATING

- IN A PANTOMIME LIKE THAT. - RIGHT.

Jenny: SPLISHY-SPLASHY WATER.

LOOK AT YOU GO!

OOH! OH GOD!

( crying )

OH DEAR.

- WILL YOU BATHE ME LATER? - NO, I WON'T,

THOUGH YOU COULD DO WITH ONE.

- THOSE ARE PHEROMONES. - UH-HUH.

CAN YOU DO THE COT UP?

A LOT OF WOMEN FIND THAT SEXY.

DADDY'S GONNA PUT YOUR COT UP.

OOH OOH OOH...

( classical music playing )

WHAT'S THIS?

BACH.

IT HAS A CALMING EFFECT ON BABIES.

MY PARENTS NEVER PLAYED ME BACH.

THEY PLAYED ME NEW SEEKERS.

I TURNED OUT FINE.

YOU LIKE BACH, DON'T YOU?

YES, IT MAKES YOU HAPPY.

- JENNY? - YEAH?

DO YOU THINK I SHOULD HAVE MY NOSE STRAIGHTENED?

( whispers ) OH GOD!

DO YOU THINK I'VE GOT A CHARACTER ACTOR'S NOSE OR A LEADING MAN'S NOSE?

I THINK IT'S YOUR NOSE.

I THINK WHEN THE TIME COMES

I'M JUST GONNA HAVE A CHIN TUCK

AND THEN LEAVE IT AT THAT.

SHH!

HE'S JUST NODDING OFF.

( knocks on door )

NO, DON'T ANSWER IT.

- HEY. - HI.

SORRY TO BOTHER YOU,

BUT THEY'RE SCREENING THE RUSHES NOW. WHEN YOU'RE READY...

OKAY, I'LL SLIP INTO SOMETHING MORE COMFORTABLE.

- WHAT IS IT? - I'VE GOTTA GO SEE THE RUSHES.

- SORRY, BABY. - DO YOU HAVE TO?

YEAH, I WON'T BE LONG.

AT LEAST I DON'T SMELL ANYMORE.

THESE BOTTLES ARE FILTHY.

PROBABLY QUITE EXPENSIVE. YOU'D THINK SOMEONE WOULD CLEAN THEM.

- HELLO. - HI, HOW ARE YOU?

- HOW ARE YOU DOING? - OKAY.

- HOW ARE YOU? - GOOD.

- HOW ARE THE KIDS? - GOOD.

- HOW MANY IS IT NOW? - SEVEN.

- YOU'VE GOT SEVEN CHILDREN. - YEAH, SERIOUSLY.

ONE FOR EVERY DAY OF THE WEEK.

SEE, NOW THERE'S A GOOD GROUCHO MARX STORY ABOUT...

SEE, HE MEETS A WOMAN WITH SEVEN CHILDREN

AND SAYS, "WHY'VE YOU GOT SEVEN KIDS?"

AND SHE SAYS, "BECAUSE I LOVE MY HUSBAND."

HE SAYS, "WELL, I LIKE MY CIGAR, BUT I TAKE IT OUT NOW AND AGAIN."

HERE'S MARK. OKAY, LET'S SIT. GREAT.

- HAVE YOU GOT THE TAPE. - UH NO...

MARK'S PUT TOGETHER

A ROUGH ASSEMBLY OF THE BATTLE SCENES

AND, AS YOU ALL KNOW, WE HAD VERY LITTLE MONEY WHEN WE SHOT IT.

WE'RE ALL AGREED THAT WE HAVE A POSSIBILITY OF A VERY EXCITING FILM,

BUT WITH A SLIGHTLY SMALL HOLE IN IT

WHERE THE BATTLE SHOULD BE, WHICH WE NEED TO RESHOOT.

BUT WE CAN TALK ABOUT THAT AFTER WE'VE SEEN WHAT WE'VE GOT.

OKAY, PETER, I'LL DO THE LIGHTS.

MEL GIBSON'S NOT GONNA LOSE ANY SLEEP.

THE MODEL IS MORE IMPRESSIVE THAN THIS.

STAND BY CANNONS TO RELOAD!

Rob: I AM LEADING LITERALLY TENS OF MEN.

- THIS IS A POLE VAULTING SCENE? - Man: I THINK WHAT WE NEED

IS A BIT OF A SCORE UNDER IT.

- QUITE RIGHT. - WHO'S THE MUSIC COMPOSER?

WE HAVEN'T MADE ANY DECISIONS ABOUT THAT.

- ( drum beating ) - ( flute whistling )

- ( scattered applause ) - THAT'S GREAT.

WELL DONE, EVERYONE. EVERYBODY, THAT'S WHERE WE ARE NOW.

IF ANYBODY WANTS TO SAY ANYTHING?

I THINK THAT THE-- THAT SCENE,

BECAUSE IT LOOKS SO CHEAP, IT ACTUALLY MAKES IT FUNNIER.

IT WORKS 'CAUSE IT'S FUNNY.

WELL, IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY.

TOBY'S SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY. THE BATTLE IS SUPPOSED TO LOOK LIKE A BATTLE.

YOU LOOK REALLY REALLY GOOD IN YOUR COSTUME.

- YEAH. - YEAH, YOU LOOKED GREAT.

THERE'S A PROBLEM WITH THAT TOO

'CAUSE SOME OF THE LEAD COSTUMES ARE OUT OF PERIOD.

THEY'RE ABOUT 50 YEARS OUT OF DATE.

I THINK I SAW A ROMAN CENTURION AT ONE POINT.

YOU EITHER GO FOR PROPER, FULL-ON "BRAVEHEART"--

CLEARLY, THAT'S NOT AN OPTION--

OR YOU GO FOR "SILLY MAN IN A COMEDY BATTLE,"

WHICH IS WELL WITHIN OUR GRASP.

THE THING IS WE NEED TO RESHOOT IT.

GOTTA HAVE THE BATTLE SCENE OR HAVEN'T GOT A WHOLE MOVIE.

OH NO, BUT WAIT A MINUTE. I WAS READING THROUGH

SOME OF JOE'S OLD DRAFTS. THERE NEVER WAS A BATTLE SCENE, WAS THERE?

- NO. - WHAT ABOUT THE CHESTNUT SCENE?

DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN YOU ASKED US TO FINANCE THE MOVIE,

YOU ACTED OUT A SCENE WHERE YOU DROPPED A HOT CHESTNUT DOWN YOUR TROUSERS?

- I MEAN, THAT'S WHY WE GAVE YOU THE MONEY. - AHH.

WENT WELL, I THOUGHT.

EXCEPT IT'S NOT WALTER WHO DOES IT, IS IT?

I MEAN, IT WON'T BE STEVE DOING IT IN THE FILM.

WAIT A MINUTE, JOE. YOU'RE SERIOUS?

- IT DIDN'T MATTER THOUGH-- - I'VE BEEN PRACTICING THAT FOR WEEKS!

Steve's voice: FIRST I TRIED TO KEEP IT SMALL,

THEN I PUSHED THE IDEA OF HIM STRUGGLING TO CONTROL THE PAIN.

( grunting )

THEN I JUST WENT FOR LOTS OF ENERGY.

THAT LOOKS GOOD. WE CAN TRY THAT.

DO YOU WANNA TRY IT WITH A REAL HOT CHESTNUT?

TRY IT WITH A REAL ONE.

JUST AN EXPERIMENT TO SEE THE GENERAL REACTION.

AGH AGH FUCK!

SHIT! YOU PUT-- FUCK! FUCK!

( stutters ) AGH, GET IT OUT, PLEASE!

GET IT OUT! PLEASE, PLEASE!

YOU'VE GOT YOUR HAND ON MY FUCKING KNACKERS!

GET OFF! AGH! GET OFF! GET OFF!

GET YOUR HAND OUT! JESUS, MAN! FUCK!

OW! FUCK!

( grunting )

IT'S OUT.

FUCK...

- DO YOU WANT SOME WATER? - FUCKING HELL!

I'M ALL RIGHT, I'M ALL RIGHT.

FUCKING HELL.

FUCK. YOU HAD YOUR FUCKING FINGERS UP MY ASSHOLE!

I'M SORRY, I DIDN'T MEAN TO DO THAT.

- I'M SORRY. - FUCKING HELL, MAN.

- I'M VERY SORRY. - IT'S-- YOU KNOW...

TAKE ME TO DINNER FIRST.

- FUCK. - SORRY.

WE'VE ALL SEEN BATTLE SCENES BEFORE,

BUT HOW MANY TIMES HAVE WE SEEN A CHESTNUT SCENE?

I THINK WE NEED MORE OF UNCLE TOBY.

UNCLE TOBY'S CHARACTER IS THE STRONGEST CHARACTER,

IT'S THE HEART AND SOUL OF THE PIECE,

THE FUNNIEST CHARACTER IN THE BOOK.

THE BATTLE SCENE IS TOBY'S SCENE, SO...

THAT'S IRRELEVANT. THE BOTTOM LINE IS

HOW MUCH WILL IT COST IF YOU WANT TO...

WELL, WE THINK WE CAN PULL IT DOWN FOR 100,000.

SEE, I THINK THE AUDIENCE THAT WILL COME AND SEE THIS FILM

IS NOT INTERESTED IN BIG ACTION SCENES.

ANITA, THIS IS WHAT WE DON'T HAVE.

WE DON'T HAVE THE LUXURY OF TIME.

THESE GUYS ARE OUT THERE NOW, IN UNIFORM,

- LOADING UP THE MUSKETS. - DON'T TRY AND HOLD US TO RANSOM ABOUT THIS.

WE NEED TO GO AND THINK AND TALK ABOUT IT...

WHY DON'T YOU TAKE ANITA AND GREG OFF

AND CHAT ABOUT THE THINGS YOU NEED TO CHAT ABOUT?

- SEE YOU, STEVE. - GO.

THERE'S A SHOE ISSUE.

Rob: IT IS AN ISSUE OF STATUS.

ARE YOU COMING WITH US?

TURN THE LIGHTS OUT, PLEASE.

SEE, YOU CAN HARDLY SEE THE SHOES.

I DON'T REALLY SEE WHAT THE PROBLEM IS.

IT'S IMPORTANT CHARACTERWISE TO SEE THE HEIGHT DIFFERENCE.

IT TELLS THE SENIORITY OF THE CHARACTERS.

IS THERE ANYTHING WE CAN DO ABOUT THAT?

- UM... - ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

YEAH, WE CAN UM...

TAKE AN INCH OFF ROB'S HEEL

AND PUT A THICKER SOLE ON STEVE'S SHOE.

- YOU ALL RIGHT WITH THAT? - THAT WOULD BE GREAT.

- OKAY. - I'LL DO THIS. THANKS.

LET'S GET SOME LIGHTS ON.

STEVE, ARE YOU COMING TO THE MEETING?

- WELL, THAT WAS THRILLING... - STEVE.

STEVE, GARY'S WAITING IN THERE.

HE'S BEEN WAITING FOR ABOUT 20 MINUTES.

I'LL SEE YOU AROUND.

LISTEN, I'VE GOT TO TALK TO THIS GUY.

FIVE MINUTES AND I'LL BE UP.

- WHENEVER. - I WANT TO TALK TO YOU.

( sighs ) SORRY, LOVE.

LISTEN, I'M VERY SORRY ABOUT THE OTHER NIGHT, OKAY?

IT WAS LAST NIGHT, ACTUALLY.

OH, WELL-- SINCE I WAS DRUNK.

JUST SO I KNOW,

ARE YOU SORRY BECAUSE YOU KISSED ME

OR ARE YOU SORRY BECAUSE YOU WERE DRUNK?

- WHICH IS IT? - UH... BOTH.

SLIGHTLY LESS SORRY I KISSED YOU

BECAUSE IT WAS VERY NICE,

BUT I DON'T THINK IT WAS, UH...

- ANYWAY, I'LL LEAVE YOU GUYS TO IT. - OKAY.

HEY!

ALL RIGHT, BUDDY.

- HOW ARE YOU DOING? - YOU WELL?

YEAH, GOOD TO SEE YOU.

RIGHT, ARE WE GOOD?

I'VE GOTTA GO TO A SCRIPT MEETING

AND I'VE GOT TO DO THIS SORT OF DAD-KIND-OF- BOYFRIEND THING.

GREAT. I'LL TAKE A PICTURE OF YOU AND THE BABY.

SO CAN WE POSTPONE THIS TILL TOMORROW MORNING?

NO, NO-- YOU CAN.

BUT I'VE GOT TO BE HONEST WITH YOU,

EVERYONE AT THE OFFICE WANTS TO RUN THE STORY ABOUT THE GIRL.

YOU DON'T WANT THAT BECAUSE IT'S JUST WEIRD STUFF.

IT'S NOT WEIRD, JUST EMBARRASSING.

SHE'S SAYING SOME STUFF ABOUT ME-- ANYWAY--

I WANT TO PLAY BALL TOO.

ALL RIGHT, SO IF YOU CAN GIVE ME--

YEAH, 7:00 A.M. TOMORROW MORNING.

I DON'T THINK THEY'RE GONNA GO FOR THAT.

WHAT DO YOU THINK'S BETTER,

THE CHICKEN OR THE BEEF?

THESE ROOMS ARE FANTASTIC, AREN'T THEY?

- YEAH. - YEAH.

I'M IN THE CHARLES I SUITE.

APPARENTLY HE STAYED IN THERE.

YEAH, JUST BEFORE HE WAS BEHEADED.

- IS THAT TRUE? - YEAH.

WOULD YOU LIKE A DRINK, STEVE?

UH YEAH, I'LL HAVE A VODKA TONIC, PLEASE.

CAN WE PLEASE JUST TALK ABOUT THE SCRIPT?

EVEN IF WE GET THE BATTLE SCENE SHOT,

THEN WE'RE STILL GOING TO BE UNDER.

IT'S A BIG BOOK. PLENTY TO CHOOSE FROM.

THINK I'M GONNA HAVE A LAMB SHANK.

GIVEN THAT THE STORY'S ABOUT WALTER'S LOVE FOR HIS SON...

- HERE, PUT THIS IN. - ...I REALLY THINK

THAT WALTER SHOULD BE THERE AT THE BIRTH.

IT'S THE 18th CENTURY. MEN JUST DIDN'T DO THAT.

YOU'RE A 21st-CENTURY MAN, BUT WALTER CAN'T BE.

HE TALKS TO THE FUCKING CAMERA. HE CAN BE EMOTIONAL.

IF YOU SAW WALTER FOR AN INSTANT HOLDING THE BABY IN HIS ARMS,

THEN YOU WOULD FORGIVE HIM ALL HIS FLAWS?

YEAH, BUT IT WOULD LOOK TERRIBLE.

IT WOULD BE LIKE THE SCENE IN "ROBIN HOOD"

WHERE KEVIN COSTNER DELIVERS A BABY. ( laughs )

BECAUSE HE'S GOT A STUPID MULLET HAIRCUT.

REMEMBER ALL THOSE SCENES THAT YOU PITCHED WHEN WE FIRST TALKED ABOUT IT?

LIKE THE BLACK PAGE

WHEN THE GOOD PARSON YORICK DIES--

THE BOOK HAS A COMPLETELY BLACK PAGE.

I DON'T KNOW HOW INTERESTING A BLACK SCREEN IS GOING TO BE FOR AN AUDIENCE.

THE ORIGINAL COVER FOR "ANARCHY IN THE U.K."

WAS INSPIRED BY THAT PAGE.

- BUT YORICK ISN'T EVEN IN THE FILM. - HE USED TO BE.

HARDLY ANYBODY'S IN THE FILM. THAT'S THE PROBLEM.

I LIKE THE BLACK PAGE. THAT'S ONE OF THE ARTY BITS I ACTUALLY LIKE.

WHY DO WE WANT TO SPEND A YEAR OF OUR LIVES MAKING THIS FILM?

- 'CAUSE IT'S FUNNY. - IS THAT ALL?

IS THAT NOT ENOUGH?

IF IT'S GENUINELY FUNNY, THAT IS ENOUGH.

- ( laughing ) - IT HAS TO BE GENUINELY FUNNY.

WELL, WHAT WAS ALL THAT STUFF PATRICK TOLD US

WHEN WE VISITED SHANDY HALL?

THE THEME OF "TRISTRAM SHANDY" IS A VERY SIMPLE ONE:

LIFE IS CHAOTIC, IT'S AMORPHOUS.

NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU TRY, YOU CAN'T ACTUALLY MAKE IT FIT ANY SHAPE.

TRISTRAM HIMSELF IS TRYING TO WRITE HIS LIFE'S STORY,

BUT IT ESCAPES HIM 'CAUSE LIFE IS TOO FULL, TOO RICH

TO BE ABLE TO BE CAPTURED BY ART.

AND HIS FATHER WALTER TRIES TO PLAN EVERY ASPECT

OF TRISTRAM'S BIRTH, CONCEPTION, CHILDHOOD AND SO ON,

AND HIS PLANS ALL GO WRONG.

WALTER PUTS IT THIS WAY...

DID ANY MAN EVER RECEIVE SO MANY LASHES?

( sobbing )

WALTER IS INDEED THE MOST UNFORTUNATE OF MEN,

AND IF HIS LIFE COULD BE CELEBRATED,

THEN SO TOO CAN ALL OF OURS.

WHAT ABOUT WIDOW WADMAN?

I'VE BEEN PUSHING FOR THAT SINCE THE START.

WIDOW WADMAN, THAT'S A ROMANTIC COMEDY.

- THAT'S BOLLOCKS. - WHO DO WE HAVE FOR THE WIDOW WADMAN?

SHE MIGHT BE FREE.

OKAY, BETH AND SAM?

- THAT'S GOOD. - GILLIAN ANDERSON.

WE KNOW THAT SHE LOVES THE BOOK

AND MARK MET HER IN L.A.

- DID YOU, MARK? - WE COULDN'T AFFORD GILLIAN ANDERSON.

SHE'D COST MORE THAN THE WHOLE BATTLE SCENE.

NO, BUT GILLIAN ANDERSON IS AN AMERICAN FILM STAR.

I THINK, ACTUALLY, SHE'S CANADIAN.

IT WOULD MAKE IT A REAL MOVIE IF IT HAD A REAL STAR.

TWO STARS.

I DON'T SEE MYSELF AS A STAR.

I'M A CRAFTSMAN, LIKE A MEDIEVAL CRAFTSMAN.

- WITH A PORSCHE. - PLYING YOUR TRADE.

YEAH, I'M A MEDIEVAL CRAFTSMAN WITH A PORSCHE.

TWO STARS-- I WAS JUST THINKING

THAT'S GONNA BE THE REVIEW.

( all laughing )

"'TRISTRAM SHANDY,' TWO STARS."

JONATHAN ROSS.

IF SHE NEEDS TO MEET--

WE CAN'T GET HER SOMETHING IN TIME.

WELL, I'VE ONLY WRITTEN THREE DRAFTS

WITH THE WIDOW IN IT.

I'VE GOT TO SEE JENNY.

- SEE YOU LATER, STEVE. - YEAH.

- BYE, STEVE. - SEE YOU LATER, STEVE.

( Steven crying )

JENNY?

HEY... HEY...

HEY...

HEY, AW, HEY...

HEY...

OH, DEAR DEAR DEAR.

OH, THERE YOU GO.

OOPSIE-DAISY.

( singing Scottish folk tune )

Jenny: FUR ONES, NOT THE ONES FULL OF POLYESTER

'CAUSE THEY'RE SHITE.

- AH, YES! - HEY!

- HELLO! - SORRY, I WAS JUST CHANGING THE BABY'S NAPPY.

WE HEARD IT ALL.

IT WAS VERY LOVELY.

( singing Scottish folk tune )

WE'LL DO A MUSICAL NEXT.

OH I SEE, YOU'VE BEEN EAVESDROPPING ON ME.

( laughing )

WE'RE CELEBRATING.

Man: BRILLIANT IDEA, MATES.

THE MONEY MEN ARE LAPPING IT UP

- GILLIAN ANDERSON SAID YES. - REALLY?

WE ONLY SPOKE ABOUT IT FIVE MINUTES AGO.

I KNOW, BUT I PHONED HER AGENT IN L.A.

- JOANNA, HI. - HI!

I'M CALLING ABOUT "TRISTRAM SHANDY."

- WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF FILMING AT THE MOMENT. - YES, I KNOW.

I READ THE SCRIPT. I LOVE IT!

GREAT! I WANTED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT GILLIAN ANDERSON.

- SHE'S RIGHT HERE. - ( phone rings )

- OH, HELLO! MARK'S RIGHT HERE. - HI!

HI, GILLIAN? HI.

- HI, MARK! - REMEMBER I WAS TELLING YOU ABOUT "TRISTRAM SHANDY"?

OH, I LOVE THAT NOVEL.

WE'VE DECIDED TO INCLUDE THE WIDOW WADMAN IN THE STORY.

YEAH, I LOVE THAT CHARACTER.

YOU KNOW WHAT A GREAT FAN I AM OF YOURS.

OH, THAT'S SO SWEET OF YOU.

OBVIOUSLY IT'S A LOW-BUDGET FILM.

- OH, DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT! - THAT'S FINE.

GILLIAN'S INTERESTED IN THE QUALITY OF WORK.

SHE'S NOT LOOKING FOR A PAYDAY.

- THAT'S RIGHT. - GREAT. WE'LL NEED YOU TO COME OVER RIGHT AWAY.

- I CAN FLY TOMORROW. - OKAY, BYE.

- OKAY, BYE! - BYE.

OH YES. ( laughs )

JESUS, THAT WAS EASY.

YEAH, THAT WORKED WELL.

SO SHE'S COMING OVER TOMORROW.

THAT'S FANTASTIC.

IS GILLIAN ANDERSON THE ONE IN "BAYWATCH"?

- ( all laughing ) - THAT WAS PAMELA ANDERSON.

WE'VE ALREADY GOT ONE BLONDE WITH BIG TITS.

- I LOVE YOU. - THANKS, BUT JUST A BIT TOO HARD.

- ( singing ) - I LOVE "THE X-FILES."

DO YOU KNOW RASPUTIN HAD A WART

ON HIS PENIS?

( laughter )

LISTEN, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE CHAMPAGNE.

THAT WAS LOVELY. BYE.

- GOOD NIGHT. - NIGHT TO ALL.

GOOD NIGHT, JUST GOING TO HAVE A BIT OF SEXUAL INTERCOURSE.

Woman: THANKS FOR THE DETAILS, THANKS VERY MUCH.

I DON'T THINK THAT'S THEIR BABY.

I DON'T KNOW, IT JUST SEEMS SO UNREAL, SO PERFECT.

SHE'S VERY GOOD FOR HIM, I TELL YOU.

SHE IS VERY GROUNDING FOR HIM, DON'T YOU THINK?

- STEVE? - JESUS CHRIST!

SORRY SORRY. CAN I HAVE A VERY QUICK WORD WITH YOU?

HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?

I'VE JUST BEEN WAITING FOR YOU. SORRY, JENNY.

JUST TWO MINUTES. I JUST NEED TO TALK ABOUT SOMETHING.

- SURE, YEAH. - FINE.

THANK YOU.

HAVE YOU HEARD THE NEWS?

THEY'RE TRYING TO GET GILLIAN ANDERSON TO PLAY WIDOW WADMAN.

I KNOW. THAT WAS MY IDEA.

- WAS IT? - YEAH, WELL NOT THE GILLIAN ANDERSON BIT,

- BUT THE WIDOW WADMAN THING. - YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT GILLIAN ANDERSON.

I'VE GOT POSTERS OF GILLIAN ANDERSON.

I THINK THE WOMAN'S AN ANGEL.

I'VE GOT ALL OF "THE X-FILES" ON DVD.

- I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT THE PROBLEM IS. - DO YOU WANT A DRINK?

YES, PLEASE. I'LL HAVE A VODKA TONIC, PLEASE.

- THE THING IS I CAN'T ACT... - I KNOW THAT.

...WITH GILLIAN ANDERSON.

I HAVE A PROPER SEXUAL THING FOR GILLIAN ANDERSON.

I COVET HER. IF I HAVE TO DO A LOVE SCENE WITH HER,

I WILL BLUSH.

BUT TOBY WOULD BLUSH.

THAT'S GOOD. CHANNEL THAT. THAT'S METHOD ACTING.

YEAH, RIGHT.

- CHEERS. - HERE YOU GO.

I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU'RE WORRIED.

YOU DON'T HAVE THAT MANY SCENES WITH HER.

THEY'RE PUTTING THE WHOLE OF THE LOVE STORY IN.

STEVE, YOU'VE READ THE BOOK. IT'S 100 PAGES.

YOU HAVE GIVEN ME A LOVE STORY

WITH MY FAVORITE, MY IDEAL WOMAN,

MY PERFECT 10-OUT-OF-10 ACTRESS,

AND I AM GOING TO BE STAMMERING

AND STUTTERING MY WHOLE WAY THROUGH IT.

- WAIT WAIT-- - THANK YOU.

UM... I'VE GOT TO GO TALK TO JENNY.

OH, LISTEN, JENNY MENTIONED ABOUT THIS STUFF--

IT'S NOT BEEN AS GOOD SINCE THE BABY AND EVERYTHING.

- WHAT, DID SHE? - ALL MEN LOSE THEIR LIBIDO.

I DON'T-- NO, THEY DON'T--

ROB, I DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM WITH MY LIBIDO.

I JUST DON'T HAVE THE FUCKING TIME.

FOR FUCK'S SAKE.

( door closes )

( mimics )

"I HAVE NO PROBLEM WITH MY LIBIDO."

HAVE YOU SEEN MY BOOK ANYWHERE?

WHAT BOOK?

"TRISTRAM SHANDY." WHICH BOOK DO YOU THINK?

HERE IT IS.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

COME HERE!

CAN YOU BELIEVE A BOOK AS THICK AS THAT

HASN'T GOT AN INDEX?

IT'S A NOVEL, NOT A COOKBOOK.

( sighs, mumbles )

IT'S BOOK SIX.

HOW'D YOU KNOW THAT?

AND BOOK EIGHT AND BOOK NINE.

- SO YOU KNEW BEFORE ROB DID? - WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

ROB NOW HAS A BIGGER PART THAN ME.

- BET HE HASN'T. - BUT HE'S GOT A BATTLE SCENE

- AND HE'S GOT AGENT MULDER FROM... - SCULLY.

( sighs )

AND HE'S GOT BIG HEELS.

AND YOU'VE GOT ME AND YOU'VE GOT A BABY

AND YOU'RE PLAYING TRISTRAM SHANDY.

YEAH, I AM PLAYING TRISTRAM SHANDY

IN "THE LIFE OF TRISTRAM SHANDY."

YOU KNOW WHAT? AT THE END OF THE BOOK, HE'S NOT EVEN BORN.

- WHO TOLD ME THAT? NO ONE. - STEVE,

I HAVE TRAVELED 200 MILES BY TRAIN WITH A BABY

JUST TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU.

LOOK, HONEY, THIS IS NOT ABOUT MY LIBIDO.

- IT'S-- I'VE GOT TO-- - ( derisive snort )

Tristram's voice: "PRESENTLY I HOPE I SHALL BE SUFFICIENTLY UNDERSTOOD

IN TELLING THE READER MY UNCLE TOBY FELL IN LOVE."

- Steve's voice: FUCK. - SHE'S A WEALTHY WIDOW.

SHE SEES TOBY.

SHE FALLS FOR HIM, BUT SHE'S WORRIED ABOUT HIS EQUIPMENT.

Tristram's voice: "...HAS FALLEN IN LOVE, DEEPLY IN LOVE,

UP TO THE EARS IN LOVE."

IF IT IS NOT INTRUSIVE, CAPTAIN SHANDY,

I'M AGOG AS TO WHAT ACTUALLY OCCURRED AT THE SIEGE OF NAMUR.

I HAVE A MODEL JUST YONDER

OF THE CITY AS IT APPEARED TO THE BESIEGING FORCES

ON THAT MORNING IN 1695.

YOU INTEREST ME STRANGELY.

THE ENGLISH AND THE SCOTS CAME OUT OF TRENCHES ON THE RIGHT.

I'M QUITE PERSPIRING WITH ANTICIPATION.

YOU MUST KNOW, CAPTAIN SHANDY,

THAT I HAVE TAKEN AN INTEREST IN YOU.

BUT BEFORE WE GO FURTHER ON THAT MATTER,

I MUST REASSURE MYSELF

OF YOUR FITNESS FOR MARRIAGE...

OF THE STATE OF YOUR EQUIPMENT.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE MY MODEL?

I MUST KNOW EXACTLY WHERE YOU WERE INJURED.

MADAM, I'LL SHOW YOU THE EXACT SPOT.

ARE YOU SURE?

YOU CAN PUT YOUR FINGER ON IT.

- JUST BEYOND THE ASPARAGUS. - YES, QUITE RIGHT.

OUT OF THE WAY.

I'M FLATTERED, CAPTAIN SHANDY,

THAT YOU WOULD TAKE ME SO FAR INTO YOUR CONFIDENCE.

I RECEIVED MY INJURY

AT NINE OF THE CLOCK RIGHT HERE.

- ( roosters crow ) - THAT WAS GREAT.

THANK YOU.

ROB, THIS IS STEVE FROM "THE NEW YORK TIMES."

HEY, I'D LOVE TO DO A PIECE ON YOU.

THAT WAS A REALLY GOOD JOB BY THE WAY.

YOU!

- WAS IT GOOD? - YEAH, IT WAS GREAT.

WHERE'S STEVE? I REALLY WANTED HIM TO SEE THAT ONE.

STEVE'S OVER THERE.

HELLO!

ROB? ROB?

DID YOU HEAR MY LAUGH?

I HEARD A LAUGH.

- STEVE COOGAN? HI. - HELLO.

VERY PLEASED TO MEET YOU.

SORRY ABOUT THIS.

I DIDN'T REALIZE YOU WERE SO SMALL.

A LOT SMALLER THAN ME. COME AND SEE HOW SMALL HE IS.

THIS MEMBRANE LOOKS LIKE IT'S ABOUT TO BURST.

- THEN THERE'LL BE A HUGE MUSCULAR SPASM. - AGH!

- OH MY GOD! - ( all laughing )

IT'S THE FUNNIEST THING HE'S DONE FOR YEARS!

IT'S JUST DISGUSTING.

I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M SO SMALL.

- NEITHER DO I. - I DIDN'T REALIZE HE WAS SO SMALL.

HE REALLY IS SMALL, ISN'T HE?

- HE'S TINY. - ROB?

- ROB? - THAT'S HIS ACTUAL SIZE.

ROB, I THOUGHT YOU WERE A MATE!

( explosions )

( sighs )

( cooing )

- ( explosions continue ) - ( crowd yelling )

YOU SHOULD GO TO L.A. AND SPEND SOME TIME THERE.

I'D WANT TO GO. I'D WANT TO MEET AS MANY AS I CAN...

YOU SHOULD. YOU'RE GOING TO BE HOT AFTER THIS MOVIE...

Assistant director: I JUST WANTED TO APOLOGIZE

FOR THE FACT THAT THIS IS A COMPLETE HISTORICAL COCK-UP.

AND IN ORDER TO MAKE IT A BIT MORE FUN,

I'M GONNA GIVE EVERYBODY A CHARACTER NAME, OKAY?

- YAY! - SO, ELI THRIFT.

FREE FORNICATION WILLIAMS.

FEICHMANN, HAVE YOU GOT A MIC?

WELL, THEN YOU SHOULDN'T BE WEARING A GORGET. TAKE IT OFF.

OKAY, EFRAIN GREENWILLOW,

YOU CAN HAVE THAT.

HAVE YOU HEARD?

THEY'RE SO CHUFFED ABOUT GILLIAN ANDERSON,

THEY'RE GOING TO GIVE US SOME MONEY FOR THE BATTLE SCENE AS WELL.

- THAT'S GREAT. - AND JOE HAS HAD AN IDEA FOR THE BIRTH SCENE,

SO YOU CAN GO THERE WHEN THE BABY'S BORN.

OH, BRILLIANT. THAT'S GREAT.

WHERE'S YOUR PRETTY WIFE, STEVE?

COME ON!

( crowd yelling )

- HELLO. - SO THEY'RE GOING TO HAVE THE LOVE STORY

AND THE BATTLE SCENE.

THAT'S GREAT.

IT'S LIKE SOME HOLLYWOOD VERSION OF "TRISTRAM SHANDY."

YEAH, FASSBINDER WOULD HAVE NEVER SOLD OUT LIKE THAT.

YOU KNOW FASSBINDER?

- MM-HMM. - WOW!

WHICH IS YOUR FAVORITE FILM?

THE WHOLE...

THE CORPUS, THE BLOODY WORK.

"FEAR EATS THE SOUL."

YEAH.

THERE'S MORE TRUTH IN THAT TITLE

THAN THERE IS IN MOST WHOLE MOVIES, YOU KNOW?

- YEAH. - BUT THE THING IS

HE'S SUCH LIKE A POWERFUL WRITER.

YOU KNOW "SCHATTEN DER ENGEL"?

THAT IS MY FAVORITE.

- DO YOU KNOW THAT ONE? - IS IT THE ONE WITH ALL THE SEX IN IT.

NO, IT'S THE ONE WHERE INGRID CAVEN IS THIS PROSTITUTE,

BUT THE THING IS THAT SHE'S SO BEAUTIFUL

SHE DOESN'T EVEN NEED TO TOUCH THE PUNTERS.

THEY'RE JUST HAPPY TO, LIKE, SIT IN HER ROOM

AND JUST LOOK AT HER.

THE THING IS THAT HUMANITY IS SO DISGUSTING

THEY KIND OF, LIKE, INVADE AND POLLUTE HER WITH THEIR PROBLEMS

AND THEIR INSECURITIES, SO THAT IN THE END

IT'S ACTUALLY BETTER FOR HER TO JUST FUCK THEM.

YOU KNOW, IT'S CLEANER FOR HER TO FUCK THEM

THAN IT IS TO LISTEN TO THEM.

YOU'RE WATCHING THE MOVIE AND YOU'RE, LIKE,

"JUST FUCK THEM, LILLY! JUST FUCK THEM!"

- DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? - FUCK THEM.

FILL ME WITH YOUR BABIES.

( mumbling )

WHAT WHAT WHAT? WHAT DID YOU SAY?

WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?

I DON'T KNOW. I THINK I SAID, "FUCK ME."

- I THINK. - THE THING IS--

NO, YOU SAID SOMETHING ELSE.

THAT'S NOT WHAT YOU SAID.

IT'S WHAT I MEANT.

LISTEN, UM...

YOU ARE FANTASTICALLY ATTRACTIVE

AND YOUR KNOWLEDGE OF GERMAN CINEMA IS SECOND TO NONE.

BUT... I'VE GOT TO GET BACK TO JENNY.

( sighs ) I'VE GOT WORK IN THE MORNING,

IT'S AN EARLY START.

6:30 A.M. CALL, I THINK.

YEAH SO... GOOD NIGHT.

YEAH, GOOD NIGHT.

I AM SPARTACUS!

- PUSH ON! - ( men yelling )

I AM SPARTACUS!

I AM SPARTACUS!

JENNIE, I AM SPARTACUS.

I AM SPARTACUS.

- I AM SPARTACUS. - I AM SPARTACUS!

( laughter )

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

YOU'RE FREEZING!

I HAD A NIGHTMARE.

I MISSED YOU.

I MISSED YOU.

I LOVE YOU.

( knocking on door )

STEVE, IT'S TIME TO GET UP.

- ( mumbles ) - ( Steven crying )

MORNING. YOUR CAR WILL BE READY IN HALF AN HOUR, OKAY?

RIGHT, THANK YOU, JENNIE.

- ( door closes ) - ( Steven continues crying )

- I'M SORRY. - HE'LL BE OKAY FOR A COUPLE OF MINUTES.

( giggling )

GOD, YOU'RE SO LUCKY.

( hour tone beeping )

Man over radio: This morning's headlines:

Americans have conceded that the insurgents in Iraq

are as strong now as they were a year ago.

More foreign terror suspects are expected to be freed on bail today

as time runs out for the existing powers under which they're detained.

And what Churchill thought of India

and what India thought of Churchill.

Today's newsreader, Charlotte Green.

Green: A senior American general

has said the insurgents in Iraq have lost none of their capacity

to launch attacks on coalition and Iraqi...

- MORNING. - MORNING.

- MORNING. - HI.

ROB, DID YOU WANT ME TO GET YOU SOME BREAKFAST?

- SOME COFFEE? - I'LL HAVE A COFFEE.

- OKAY. - EVERYONE'S HERE?

YEAH, THEY ARE, ACTUALLY. DO YOU WANT ME TO GET YOU SOME BREAKFAST?

NO NO, I'LL GO WITH YOU. BEEN HERE FOR AGES.

TOP O' THE MORNIN' TO YE.

- ...BUT ONCE I GET THE OTHER SOCK... - SEE YOU.

MORNING, UH...

- RR-R... - ROB.

- ROB. - THAT'S IT, WELL DONE.

IT'S THE SHOE BUSINESS, YOU KNOW?

IT GOES ON ALL DAY BETWEEN STEVE AND ROB.

I'VE GOT THE SHOES FOR YOU.

THEY'VE BEEN BUILT UP, SO YOU'LL FEEL A LOT TALLER.

BE HARD TO SEE JENNIE. SHE'S A BIT... INTENSE.

VERY. HARD WORK.

DO YOU KNOW THIS SHOE THING,

I THINK WE'RE FINE AS WE ARE.

I SPENT ALL NIGHT WORKING ON IT.

- I THINK WE'VE GOT SPARE ONES. - SORRY, LOVE.

WE GOT SPARE ONES HERE.

- OKAY. - SORRY, LOVE. THANK YOU.

- Woman: UM, STEVE. - WELL HANDLED.

THIS IS THE COAT, STEVE,

FOR THE SCENE WHERE YOU TAKE YOUR WIG OFF.

- WANT TO JUST TRY IT ON FOR ME? - SURE.

- ALL RIGHT, LOVE. - TAKE YOUR WIG OFF WITH THE RIGHT HAND

- AND PULL YOUR HANDKERCHIEF OUT OF YOUR RIGHT-HAND POCKET. - THIS IS ACTUALLY WEIRD

- WITH THE LEFT HAND. - ( laughs )

- I MEAN, THAT'S-- - YOU LOOK LIKE LEE EVANS.

IT LOOKS LIKE THE POCKETS ARE TOO LOW.

IT LOOKS LIKE THEY'VE BEEN PLACED THERE FOR COMIC EFFECT.

- SHALL WE SAY IT LOOKS LIKE A RAIN SUIT? - "IN THE LATTER END

OF QUEEN ANNE'S REIGN,

and THE BEGINNING OF KING GEORGE I,

COAT POCKETS WERE CUT VERY LOW DOWN

- IN THE SKIRT." - THE POCKETS CAN BE BUILT TECHNICALLY ACCURATE

AND STILL LOOK CONTRIVED.

IT'S HISTORICAL,

BUT IT'S NOT HYSTERICAL.

YEAH.

- HEY, JOE! - HELLO, STEVE.

LISTEN, I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW.

I'M GOING TO GET THE KIDS

- TO SEE THE BATTLE. - BRILLIANT.

HOW'D THE BIRTH SCENES GO?

- ALL DONE, YEAH. - FANTASTIC.

TRYING TO GET THE IMPACT OF HAVING A BABY ON WALTER,

YOUR PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL IMPACT.

- YES! - YOU ALL RIGHT?

- YES, VERY WELL. - LISTEN, WE'VE GOTTA GET A SHIFT ON.

I NEED TO DO SOMETHING. HIYA.

I'LL NEED TO GET A TRAIN, SO CAN WE JUST FIND SOMEWHERE--

I'M GONNA NEED FIVE MINUTES FOR GARY.

- 10 MINUTES. - SORRY.

DOES MARK KNOW ABOUT THIS, STEVE?

HE DOESN'T KNOW. TELL HIM NOT TO WORRY.

I JUST WANNA DO A REALLY GENERAL PIECE,

YOU KNOW, THE TYPE OF THING I'M SURE YOU'VE DONE BEFORE.

- YES. - STEVE COOGAN THE ACTOR,

STEVE COOGAN THE FAMILY MAN.

AND WITH THE NOVEL BEING CALLED

"THE LIFE AND OPINIONS OF TRISTRAM SHANDY,"

I THOUGHT WE'D CALL THE PIECE "THE LIFE AND OPINIONS OF STEVE COOGAN."

- GREAT. TIDY - YEAH.

JUST A SORT OF TIDY... EXACTLY.

BUT REALLY, OBVIOUSLY YOU'VE JUST BECOME A FATHER.

- YEAH. - SO LET'S DO A LITTLE BIT ABOUT THE FAMILY TO START OFF.

WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO YOU?

WELL, IT'S EVERYTHING TO ME.

- HI, BABE. - HIYA.

- HOW IS HE? - HE'S A BIT... GRUMPY

- THIS MORNING. - SORRY.

SORRY.

STEVE, WE'VE GOT YOUR OTHER BABY NEXT DOOR

IF YOU'D LIKE TO COME AND SAY HELLO, DO A BIT OF BONDING.

THAT'S WALTER'S LITTLE BABY.

- I'LL EXPLAIN LATER. - IT MIGHT TAKE A MINUTE.

OKAY. SEE YOU LATER, LOVE.

- SEE YOU. - ( crying )

( shushes )

I'VE GOT THE NEW SIDES FROM JOE...

- GOOD. - ...FOR THE SCENE AS WELL.

HE SPOKE TO ME THIS MORNING.

- HE'S VERY PLEASED WITH IT. - GREAT, I'M PLEASED.

- THIS IS RACHEL. - Both: HI.

AND LITTLE TRISTRAM.

- OH... - I'LL CATCH YOU LATER.

OKAY, RIGHT. HE'S GOT A BETTER HAIRLINE THAN ME.

( chuckles ) SHE'S A GIRL, ACTUALLY.

I HOPE THAT'S NOT GOING TO BE A PROBLEM FOR YOU.

NO, I'M VERY IN TOUCH WITH MY FEMALE SIDE.

EVERYONE MIKED UP?

YEAH, WITH THE TIME WE NEED.

OKAY, ALL RIGHT.

- ED? - YES, SIR.

LET'S GET IT ALL LOCKED UP.

YEAH, OKAY. BYRON, CAN WE JUST GET THIS MOVING NOW? THANKS.

SHE LIKES YOU. SHE'S VERY HAPPY.

- HEY! AW... - ( chuckling )

SHE'S SO SMALL.

- STEVE? - YEAH?

THEY'RE READY FOR YOU ON THE SET.

OH... THAT'S MOMMY.

OKAY, I'VE JUST GOT TO SAY GOODBYE TO JENNY,

JUST SAY GOODBYE.

THREE DAYS IN A ROW YOU'VE BEEN SCREAMING.

IT'S ONLY ONE MORE DAY.

IT FINISHES TODAY.

( crowd chatting )

- GOOD MORNING. - GOOD MORNING. HOW ARE YOU?

HELLO.

COULD WE GET STEVEN?

THANK YOU. I'LL TRY TO STAY AWAKE.

JOE HAS WRITTEN IN THIS PART OF THE SCENE

WHERE WALTER'S THERE AT THE BIRTH OF TRISTRAM.

- IT'S REALLY IMPORTANT. - IT'S FINE.

STEVE, THERE WAITING FOR YOU ON THE SET.

OKAY, ALL RIGHT.

LISTEN, HAVE A SAFE JOURNEY.

- I'LL SEE YOU ON THE WEEKEND. - OKAY.

WOULD YOU HAVE HAD A BABY WITH ME

- IF I'D REALLY HAD A NOSE LIKE THAT? - NO.

I'LL GIVE YOU A CALL WHEN WE GET THERE.

OKAY, I LOVE YOU.

- IT DOESN'T SEEM RIGHT. - NO, IT'S WRONG.

OKAY, SORRY ABOUT THAT.

( sighs )

I'M JUST A BIT CONFUSED. ARE WE SUPPOSED TO--

IT'S NOT CONTINUOUS. WE'VE JUMPED IN TIME.

WE'VE JUMPED IN TIME. WE'RE GOING TO TAKE THAT MOMENT

WHERE THE KID'S ABOUT TO BE BORN...

- RIGHT. - ...FROM HERE.

SO THIS IS THE VERY END OF IT.

VERY END OF IT.

- OKAY? - RIGHT.

HI. UM... ALL RIGHT.

Assistant: HOLD THE WORK, PLEASE.

HOLD THE WORK.

- SO, STEVE? - YEAH?

WE'LL HAVE ABOUT 40 SECONDS OF...

EFFORT BEFORE YOUR ENTRANCE, OKAY?

( coughs )

( screaming )

SAY, WHAT'S HAPPENING?

ALL RIGHT, HIS HEAD'S HERE NOW!

WE'RE JUST ABOUT DONE.

OKAY, STEVE.

A LITTLE MORE, MA'AM. A LITTLE MORE.

- ( continues screaming ) - THAT'S IT.

THAT'S IT, MA'AM.

- THAT'S IT. - ( Tristram crying )

HE'S HANDSOME, MA'AM. HE'S A HANDSOME... BOY.

HE'S A BIG BOY.

( scattered applause )

THANKS VERY MUCH, EVERYBODY.

THERE'S A DRINK THROUGH THERE,

SO... IF YOU'D LIKE TO GO ON THROUGH.

- WHAT HAPPENED? - UM...

SO WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THAT?

- CAN YOU TELL THAT'S NOT ME ON THE HORSE? - YES.

- DO YOU RIDE A HORSE? - YES, I RODE A HORSE.

YOU LOOK LIKE YOU'D NEVER BEEN ON A HORSE BEFORE.

YOU WERE FUNNY, YOU WERE CHARISMATIC...

- CHARISMATIC? - YOU LOOKED SO DASHING.

- I LOOKED SO DASHING? - YOU DID.

I WAS DASHING. I DASHED.

WHAT HAPPENED TO THE WHOLE WIDOW WADMAN STORY?

HOW MUCH DID YOU DO?

I SHOT LIKE TWO WEEKS.

I MEAN, THE HOUSE IS WAY TOO BIG FOR SHANDY HALL.

WELL, THAT'S WHAT THEY WANTED TO MAKE THE FILM LOOK SEXY.

I THOUGHT YOU LOOK FANTASTIC, BY THE WAY.

- AND YOU. - FOR WHAT IT'S WORTH.

- YEAH. - ALL RIGHT.

SEE YOU IN A BIT.

- GREAT, JUST GREAT. - AH, YES.

THANK YOU, RATHER GOOD ON THAT.

I THOUGHT WE WERE GONNA GET THE BIG EMOTIONAL SCENE

WITH WALTER AND HIS BABY.

YEAH, WELL, THE 18th CENTURY...

- IT DIDN'T WORK. - WE THOUGHT THE SCENE WITH STEVE AND THE BABY

PLAYING YOUNG TRISTRAM WOULD GIVE US THE EMOTION

AND STILL BE TRUE TO THE ORIGINAL STORY.

I ALWAYS FORGET HOW SHORT I AM.

I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT WAS THE WHOLE FUCKING MOVIE.

I THINK WE LOOK LIKE A NICE COUPLE, DON'T YOU?

WHERE IS THE BATTLE SCENE?

YEAH, WHERE'S THE BATTLE?

IT WASN'T FUNNY.

SO HOW MANY DRINKS DO YOU HAVE A DAY?

I HAVE-- I DON'T KNOW-- A NUMBER.

AND I PURPOSELY HAVE A PAY-TO-GO,

AND I ONLY KEEP £10 ON IT

SO THAT I CAN'T STAY ON THE PHONE LONG.

THAT WAY I'M JUST QUICKLY OFF.

- HOW DOES THE BOOK END? - THE BOOK'S GOT A GREAT ENDING.

- PARSON YORICK. - MM?

WHY ARE WE SO DELICATE ABOUT THE SUBJECT OF PASSION?

WHY DO WE PUT A CANDLE OUT WHEN WE TRY TO MAKE A CHILD?

- ( snorts ) - I'M NOT SURE.

EVERYONE DOES PUT OUT A CANDLE, SIR WALTER.

THOUGH YOU SEE, WALTER, NOT EVERYBODY DOES PUT THE CANDLE OUT.

I HAVE ON OCCASION ASKED FOR THE CANDLE TO BE LEFT, BUT...

BE THAT AS IT MAY,

WHY DO WE GLORIFY THE ACT OF KILLING THAT'S DESTROYING A MAN?

WE HONOR THE WEAPONS WITH WHICH WE DO IT.

- ( knocking on door ) - WE WRITE ABOUT THEM.

WE PAINT THEM.

- OBADIAH. - GOOD EVENING, PARSON YORICK.

HAS THAT COW OF YOURS CALVED YET?

WELL, THAT'S JUST IT.

MY COW HAS NOT CALVED YET.

Priest: WILL THOU HAVE THIS WOMAN TO THY WEDDED WIFE,

TO LIVE TOGETHER...

Tristram's voice: IT SO HAPPENED THAT OBADIAH WAS MARRIED

ON THE SAME DAY MY FATHER'S BULL WAS INTRODUCED TO HIS COW.

NOW THE CUSTOM WAS THAT MY FATHER'S BULL

SERVED ALL THE COWS IN THE PARISH.

BUT THE TRUTH WAS, THE PARISH WAS SO LARGE

MY FATHER'S BULL WAS NOT EQUAL TO THE TASK.

BUT AS HE WENT ABOUT HIS BUSINESS

WITH A GRAVE FACE,

MY FATHER REGARDED HIM VERY HIGHLY.

WHEN THE BABY WAS BORN,

OBADIAH HOPED THE COW WOULD CALF.

- SHE DIDN'T. - ( clergyman reciting ) ...BOTH WATER AND WINE.

MAY NOT A COW BE BARREN?

- NEVER HAPPEN. - MY BULL IS AS GOOD A ONE AS EVER PISSED.

IF YOU ATTACK HIS CHARACTER, YOU ATTACK HIS LIFE.

GOOD LORD, WHAT IS THIS STORY ALL ABOUT?

COCK AND A BULL STORY.

COCK AND A... BULL.

- MM. - COCK AND BULL TALE. ( laughing )

( all laughing )

COCK AND BULL'S TALE.

- COCK AND BULL. - COCK AND BULL.

- BROTHER. - SORRY.

AND THE BEST OF ITS KIND I EVER HEARD.

( all continue laughing )

( rooster crows )

( cow moos )

I LIKE IT.

I THOUGHT IT WAS GOOD.

THAT'S THE AREA, THAT'S THE AREA.

- RIGHT THERE. - OKAY OKAY.

WHAT DO YOU THINK? A LITTLE PIECE?

- A PIECE? - ROB, I'VE SEEN ENOUGH.

IT'S REGISTERED LOGGED.

- BUT HOW BIG IS IT? - THERE IS HAIR,

- BUT IT'S VERY THIN HAIR. - I KNOW, I KNOW!

JUST TRACE WITH YOUR FINGER

- THE ACTUAL AREA. - PLEASE DON'T ASK ME TO DO THAT.

- FUCKIN' HELL, MATE. - JUST TRACE THE AREA.

ALL RIGHT, I'LL JUST TRACE IT,

FROM LIKE THAT. I'M JUST TICKLING THE AREA.

OH, I CAN FEEL THAT. THAT'S GOOD.

- CAN YOU ARRANGE THE HAIR THAT'S THERE TO COVER IT? - NO NO NO!

'CAUSE I'M WORKING IN THE DARK.

WELL, I'M NOT GOING TO TOUCH YOUR FUCKING HEAD, ROB.

DID I DO MORE AL PACINO

IN THE CAR SCENE?

- I REMEMBER. - YOU DID A LOT MORE.

YOU REMEMBER ME DOING A LOT MORE?

- I HAVE TO SAY I'M... - SAD TO SEE IT GO.

IT SERVED AS A COUNTERPOINT TO THE STUFF NAOMIE WAS DOING.

- IT DID? - ( mimics Al Pacino ) I'M IN THE DARK.

I DO A GOOD AL. "SHYLOCK IS MY NAME."

- DID YOU SEE HIM IN THAT? - YEAH.

I DO A GOOD AL PACINO TOO,

BUT I DON'T DO IT IN FRONT OF PEOPLE ALL THE TIME.

BECAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE THE CONFIDENCE.

- I UNDERSTAND. - I DO.

- I FEEL I CAN GET UP THERE AND DO IT. - I CAN DO AL PACINO.

I CAN DO LIKE AL PACINO IN "THE GODFATHER."

THAT WASN'T GREAT. MY FRIEND...

WHEN THE GODFATHER SPEAKS LIKE THIS,

"YOU DISRESPECT THE FAMILY."

- THE GODFATHER TALKS LIKE THIS. - THE GODFATHER SPEAKS LIKE THAT.

- NO, THE GODFATHER-- - YOU HAVE NO DEPTH TO THE WAY YOU SPEAK.

BECAUSE THERE WAS NO DEPTH IN THOSE DAYS, IN THOSE DAYS--

YOU KNOW, YOU SOUND LIKE A CARTOON NOW.

- ( mockingly mumbles ) - THAT'S NOT WHAT I'M DOING.

- WITH RESPECT-- - THE GODFATHER--

- LET 'EM DO PACINO. - THAT'S THE WAY I DO PACINO.

- JUST LET ME DO PACINO. - THAT'S THE WAY. I WAS REAL FUCKING LOUD!

LIKE THAT! IT'S REAL FUCKING LOUD!

A BIG SOUND LIKE THAT ALL THE FUCKING TIME.

THAT'S COLUMBO. I-I-I-I-- I'M VERY OPEN.

I MODEL MYSELF ON PACINO. YOU CAN SEE IT ON THE SCREEN.

YOU SEE IT, IN FACT, WHEN I LEAN AGAINST A WALL.

THA-- THAT'S PACINO.

WHEN I DO A LOOK OF SHOCK,

- THAT'S PACINO. - ( mumbles )

ARE YOU BEING SERIOUS NOW OR ARE YOU JOKING?

WE'RE IN THE SAME BUSINESS. ( stammers )

I'M NOT SHOWY. THAT'S THE LAST THING I AM.

I LOOK FOR TRUTH, AND THAT'S WHY I GO TO PACINO,

THAT'S WHY I GO TO HOPKINS.

BUT NO, I GO TO ACTRESSES AS WELL.

I GO TO STREISAND.

- I GO TO STREISAND. I REGULARLY GO TO STREISAND. - ( guffaws )

I SAY, "WHAT CAN YOU GIVE ME?"

AND I LOOK AT HER BODY... OF WORK,

SO I HAVE A LITTLE BIT FROM "HELLO, DOLLY!"

I'M GOING TO TAKE A LITTLE BIT FROM "YENTL,"

AND PUT THEM TOGETHER, A WHOLE ( speaks Hebrew ),

SHE WOULD SAY IN JEWISH, AND OFF I GO.

SO I'VE GOT STREISAND UNDERNEATH ME,

I'VE GOT HOPKINS, I'VE GOT PACINO.

YOU TELL ME WHERE I CAN'T GO.

WHAT DO YOU THINK? I'VE HAD THEM DONE.

- I KNOW YOU HAVE. - WHAT DO YOU THINK?

FEEL THAT ONE. LOOK, NO CREVASSE.

- FEEL IT. - DON'T ASK ME TO FEEL YOUR TEETH.

- JUST CLOSE YOUR EYES AND FEEL IT. - NO.

IT'S YOUR FUCKING TEETH. CHRIST.

YOU'VE GOT SUCH A THING ABOUT-- WHENEVER THERE'S A HINT OF SOMETHING GAY--

- WHAT? THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH "GAY." - THAT'S WHAT IT IS.

YOU DON'T WANT TO TOUCH ANOTHER MAN'S TEETH

BECAUSE YOU'RE WORRIED YOU MIGHT BE ATTRACTED TO ME. JUST TOUCH MY TEETH.

- IT'S GOOD, IT'S GOOD, IT'S GOOD, IT'S GOOD. - THANK YOU. THANK YOU.