Original subtitles

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY WARNER BROS.

[SWING MUSIC PLAYING]

Brian Setzer: * I LIKE COFFEE, I LIKE TEA *

* I LIKE YOU, BABY, NEXT TO ME *

* YOU'RE AS COOL AS RED-HOT LAVA *

* JUMPIN' EAST OF JAVA *

* CREAM AND SUGAR SURE TASTES SWEET *

* BUT, BABY, YOU GOT ALL THAT BEAT *

* YOU'RE THE CHICK WITH THE SWINGIN' FEET *

* JUMPIN' EAST OF JAVA *

* GET WITH IT, MAN, ALL THE HIP CATS KNOW *

* BABY, IT TAKES THREE TO TANGO *

* STEAMIN' LIKE A VOLCANO *

* JUMPIN' EAST OF JAVA *

* OH, IT TAKES A LOT OF COFFEE BEANS *

* JUST TO MAKE A SINGLE CUP *

* YOU'VE GOT ME PERCOLATING *

* BUM BUM BA DOOBA DO BUM BUM BA DOOBA *

* GET WITH IT, MAN, ALL THE HIP CATS KNOW *

* BABY, IT TAKES THREE TO TANGO *

* STEAMIN' LIKE A VOLCANO *

[HORN HONKING]

OK.

YEP. WE WALK IN THERE...

YES. SHAKE HANDS.

WHERE DO WE SIT?

DOWN?

DOWN. RIGHT. GOOD. DOWN.

WHY NOT?

ARE YOU GOING TO SAY HELLO FIRST OR AM I?

WHY DON'T I SAY HELLO FIRST?

OK. GOOD. THIS IS GOING TO BE OK.

MORE THAN OK. IT'S GOING TO BE MARVELOUS.

ARE YOU SURE? BECAUSE LAST NIGHT I DREAMT

THAT WHEN WE WALKED INTO THIS MEETING I HAD NO CLOTHES ON.

WELL, I WAS WEARING A DOILY.

AND THEN JULIE McCOY FROM THE LOVE BOAT WAS THERE

AND SHE HAD 3 BREASTS.

AND THEN WE KIND OF FELL INTO A HOT TUB,

AND THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN, SHE WANTED A COMMITMENT.

I'M FREAKING OUT!

I'M FREAKING OUT.

OK, OSKIE, HERE'S WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO.

WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A SIGNAL.

IF YOU START TO BABBLE, JUST WATCH FOR THE SIGNAL.

NO BABBLING, NO CHATTING, NO SMALL TALK.

WE'VE GOT A SIGNAL NOW, SO WE CAN DO THIS.

OK. YES, YOU'RE RIGHT.

WE CAN DO IT. THANK YOU.

WE'RE GONNA WALK IN THERE AND KICK SOME ASS.

KICK SOME ASS. SAY IT WITH ME.

KICK SOME ASS! KICK SOME ASS!

HOLD ME.

[LET'S GET IT ON PLAYING]

IT'S A BIT MUCH, I KNOW.

YOU LOOK INTIMIDATING IN THIS PICTURE.

I ASKED, BUT THEY WOULDN'T RUN A NUDE PHOTO.

NOW THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN REALLY INTIMIDATING.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING TODAY?

I CAN'T DISCLOSE THAT INFORMATION.

YOU NEVER TELL ME ANYTHING.

I LOVE IT WHEN YOU GET ALL MUSHY LIKE THAT.

OH!

THIS SONG IS TOO SLOW.

[SANCTUARY PLAYS]

WHEN DO I SEE YOU AGAIN?

WHENEVER I FEEL LIKE IT.

[BLOWS RASPBERRY ON STOMACH]

HA HA HA!

AHEM, MR. NEWMAN.

[GIGGLING]

IT IS NOW 3:55.

FROM 4:00 UNTIL 6:30 YOU WILL BE HEARING

PROPOSALS FOR THE CULTURAL CENTER.

I'LL BE RIGHT OUT.

HI.

ALSO, YOUR WIFE CALLED.

SHE'S EXPECTING YOU FOR DINNER AT THE RITZ AT 8:00.

THANK YOU.

NO, WAIT, AMY! I'M OUTTA HERE.

CALL ME LATER!

OH!

I'LL BUZZ YOU WHEN THE FIRST TEAM OF ARCHITECTS ARRIVES.

[BUZZ]

[ELEVATOR DINGS]

PETER, BEFORE WE GO IN, I JUST WANTED TO SAY

THAT I KNOW I WOULD NEVER HAVE AN OPPORTUNITY LIKE THIS

WITHOUT YOU, SO...YOU KNOW.

WHATEVER HAPPENS IN THERE, I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT...

I'M VERY HONORED TO BE YOUR PARTNER.

YOU ARE THE BEST PARTNER THAT A MAN COULD EVER HAVE.

OK.

NOW, LET'S GO INSIDE

BEFORE YOU START SINGING OR SOMETHING, OK?

OK.

Strauss: OH, LOOK AT THIS.

IT'S GILLIGAN AND THE SKIPPER, TOO.

WHAT HAVE YOU STUDMUFFINS BEEN UP TO LATELY?

WELL, WE'VE BECOME TRIATHLETES, ACTUALLY.

WE BIKE, WE SWIM, WE...

ALSO DO THE THIRD THING.

BY THE WAY, CONGRATULATIONS ON THE WORK YOU DID

ON THAT MEN'S ROOM IN THE BUS STATION.

YES, YOUR USE OF MOSAIC IN THE URINAL TROUGH

WAS VAGUELY REMINISCENT OF THE 90-FOOT MURAL

WE DID IN THE LOBBY OF THE HANCOCK BUILDING.

EXCEPT PEOPLE DON'T LINE UP TO PISS ON OURS.

THAT'S NOT TRUE. WE READ THE REVIEWS.

OUCH. HUMOR.

[DOOR HISSES]

DECKER AND STRAUSS.

OOPS. LET'S GO NAIL THIS JOB.

SEE YA. [WHISTLES]

WATCH YOUR FEET.

PARDON ME.

WELL, I'M NOT WORRIED. YOU?

NO. ABSOLUTELY NOT.

WE'RE DEAD.

YEAH, WE'RE DEAD.

[RUSHING WATER]

[KEYBOARD CLICKING]

OOPS.

SIR, THE CHARLES NEWMAN CULTURAL CENTER

WOULD REDEFINE CULTURAL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT IN THE CITY.

THERE'D BE A MUSEUM, AN OPERA HOUSE,

AN INTERNATIONAL FOOD COURT.

Decker: PICASSO, MADAME BUTTERFLY...

BURRITOS.

INTERESTING.

UM, STEINBERG AND NOVAK.

OSKIE... [CLICK CLICK]

OK. OH, YEAH.

GOOD LUCK, LADIES.

THANK YOU.

GENTLEMEN?

SO, YOU'VE WORKED WITH THOSE TWO MEN?

WE DID.

ARE THEY REALLY, YOU KNOW, PARTNERS?

OH.

OF COURSE, PETER IS, YOU KNOW,

BUT OSCAR IS--

ACTUALLY, JOSH, OSCAR IS VERY, VERY, YOU KNOW.

IT'S NICE TO MEET YOU, SIR.

IT'S NICE TO MEET YOU, SIR.

THEY--THEY HANG OUT AT, YOU KNOW, BARS,

AND THEY MARCH IN THE, YOU KNOW, PARADE.

THEY HAVE, YOU KNOW,

SEX WITH, YOU KNOW, MEN.

IT'S VERY NICE TO MEET YOU, SIR.

HE CAN HEAR YOU.

NO, HE CAN'T. YES, HE CAN.

HELLO, MR. NEWMAN. I'M PETER STEINBERG,

THIS IS OSCAR NOVAK.

IT'S VERY NICE TO MEET YOU.

HOW ARE YOU GUYS DOING TODAY?

GREAT. COULDN'T BE BETTER.

IT'S AN HONOR TO MEET YOU,

AND YOUR OFFICE IS-- HEY, YOU HAVE A BUDDHA.

OH, I LOVE BUDDHAS.

THEY'RE LIKE BRIGHT CHEERY NAKED ASIAN SANTAS.

[CLICKING]

I HAD A BUDDY IN COLLEGE WHOSE NAME WAS BOB

AND WE USED TO CALL HIM "BUDDHA BOB"

BECAUSE HE WAS KIND OF FAT AND LIKED TO WALK AROUND NAKED.

WE USED TO RUB HIS BELLY FOR LUCK.

[CLICKING]

ANYWAY...I LOVE BUDDHA.

HE ROCKS.

THE BUDDHA IS AN IMPORTANT SPIRITUAL FIGURE

FROM WHICH I DRAW TREMENDOUS INSPIRATION.

JUST KIDDING.

[GASPS]

LET ME HEAR WHAT YOU HAVE.

THE TELFORD WAS NOT JUST CONSIDERED A GREAT MUSEUM,

BUT A WONDER OF THE AGE.

WOW.

I BARELY RECOGNIZE IT.

WE PROPOSE A RENOVATION

THAT MODERNIZES AND EXPANDS THE TELFORD

WITHOUT ECLIPSING ANY OF ITS CLASSIC GLORY.

YOU SEE, TO US, THE TELFORD IS A WORK OF ART.

ONE OF CHICAGO'S TRUE MONUMENTS.

PRESERVING IT WOULD BE MORE THAN A JOB FOR US.

IT WOULD BE AN OPPORTUNITY--

SORRY.

JUST A SEC.

[LAUGHING]

LENORE?

SHH. YES, MR. NEWMAN?

BRING IN DECKER AND STRAUSS AND MY ECHINACEA DROPS.

[SWISHING]

I LIKED YOUR PRESENTATION.

BIG, MODERN, BOLD.

AND YOU TWO, PRESERVING THE OLD

AND CONTRASTING IT WITH THE NEW, I LIKE THAT, TOO.

YOU ESPECIALLY, I LIKE.

PASSIONATE, SINCERE, GOOFBALL.

YOU FIND HIM?

FOUND HIM AND HOUSEBROKE HIM.

THIS IS WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO.

YOU WILL EACH BUILD A MODEL-- BIG MODELS--

AND WE'LL DO IT IN THE TELFORD ITSELF.

WHAT DO YOU GUYS THINK OF THAT?

I LOVE IT.

THE PRESS WILL LOVE IT,

AND THEN I...I PICK THE WINNER.

I JUST THINK THAT'S--THAT'S...

A FANTASTIC--AHEM-- FANTASTIC IDEA.

YOU'LL PAY FOR THESE MODELS OUT OF YOUR OWN BUDGET.

DO YOU KNOW HOW UNFAIR IT IS

HIM GETTING YOUR HOPES UP LIKE THAT?

AS IF YOU TWO EVEN HAVE A GHOST OF A CHANCE.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT-- WHEN WE GET THE JOB,

WE'LL THROW A COUPLE OF MEN'S ROOMS YOUR WAY.

HA HA! MEN'S ROOMS!

OK. HOW MUCH IS THIS GOING TO COST?

$150,000.

WELL, THAT'S TOO MUCH. THAT'S TOO MUCH.

[SIGHS]

I COULD TAKE OUT A SECOND MORTGAGE ON MY APARTMENT.

COME ON, PETER, YOU HAVE ALREADY

INVESTED, LIKE, EVERYTHING INTO THIS COMPANY.

I CAN'T LET YOU DO THAT.

WE HAVE TO.

WE DON'T HAVE TO.

OSCAR...WE'RE GOING TO GET THIS JOB.

WE'RE GONNA GET THIS JOB.

WE'RE GONNA KICK SOME ASS!

KICK SOME BIG ASS!

I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU!

I LOVE YOU!

WE WERE JUST--

VERY NICE TO MEET YOU BOTH TODAY.

HERE WE GO.

WELL, THAT SEEMS TO BE A CLOSE PARTNERSHIP.

YEAH, THEY SEEM VERY CLOSE.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

OH, YOU KNOW.

REALLY.

PHEW.

THEY'RE BOTH GAY? THE GOOFBALL, TOO?

OPENLY.

I'M SO EXCITED. I'M OVERLY EXCITED.

RIGHT HERE...

AND THEN WE WALK AROUND...

[CORK POPS]

WHOO!

I HAVE SOME BAD NEWS.

I CAN'T MAKE IT TO YOUR OPENING AT THE GALLERY TONIGHT.

I DID MY BEST,

BUT OLIVIA'S BEEN PLANNING THIS BENEFIT FOR MONTHS.

THAT'S OK.

I'M SICK ABOUT THE WHOLE THING.

IT'S ALL RIGHT, CHARLES, REALLY.

[SIGHS] SO...

WHO'S GONNA BE THERE?

CHARLES, DON'T START.

IF I'M NOT THERE, IT'S A PERFECT OPPORTUNITY

FOR ONE OF THESE CLOWNS YOU DATED TO GET BACK IN.

CHARLES, COME ON.

WHAT ABOUT THAT GUY FROM ART SCHOOL

WHO PAINTS THE FLAGS FROM AROUND THE WORLD

ON PEOPLE'S ASSES AND THEN HE PHOTOGRAPHS IT?

I HATE THAT GUY.

NOT TO MENTION KEVIN CARTWRIGHT.

WITH HIS BIG GROTESQUE MUSCLES

AND HIS "MR. NICE GUY" ACT--

AHEM.

KEVIN.

SO GOOD TO SEE YOU. I GOT A LITTLE COLD.

GREAT GAME LAST WEEK.

CONGRATULATIONS ON THE NEW CONTRACT.

THANKS. APPRECIATE IT.

I'LL JUST USE THESE BIG GROTESQUE MUSCLES

TO LOAD THIS STUFF OUT IN THE VAN.

SEE YOU AT THE GALLERY.

CHARLIE, YOU LOOK GOOD. YOU BEEN WORKING OUT?

THANKS, KEVIN. YOU'RE A LIFESAVER.

IMAGINE A DOME FLANKED

BY 4 SKY-LIT PYRAMIDS ON EITHER SIDE.

WHAT OSCAR AND I SEE

IS A CONVERGENCE OF 2 CLASSICAL STYLES...

WITH AN INTERPLAY OF--

MR. NEWMAN, I WOULD LIKE TO SAY AT THIS JUNCTURE

HOW GRATEFUL WE ARE FOR THIS OPPORTUNITY.

WE'RE EXCITED AND--AND--

OSCAR, YOUR MIGHT WANT TO SAVE SOME OF YOUR DIGNITY

FOR LATER IN THE AFTERNOON IN CASE YOU NEED IT.

I'M JUST TRYING TO TELL HIM HOW THRILLED WE BOTH--

I APPRECIATE YOUR LOYALTY, OSCAR.

IT'S A RARE COMMODITY THESE DAYS.

CAN I TALK TO YOU FOR A MOMENT PRIVATELY?

[CLICK CLICK]

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE QUITE A GUY, OSCAR NOVAK.

NOVAK, THAT'S HUNGARIAN, RIGHT?

YEAH.

GREAT.

YOU KNOW, LENORE TOLD ME ABOUT...

ANYWAYS, I TOLD HER I THINK IT'S GREAT

TO HAVE PEOPLE OF YOUR BACKGROUND WORKING FOR ME.

YOU, PETER...

OH, OH, PETER ISN'T.

HE ISN'T?

NO. I AM, THOUGH. 100%.

I SEE.

Oscar: YOU'D BE SURPRISED HOW MANY OF US THERE ARE.

Charles: WHATEVER. DOESN'T BOTHER ME.

OSCAR, COULD I BE HONEST WITH YOU?

I'M MARRIED.

WELL, HOW NICE FOR YOU.

I ALSO HAVE A GIRLFRIEND.

OH. GREAT.

AMY IS AN AMAZING WOMAN.

ARTIST, IMPULSIVE, UNPREDICTABLE.

A FREE SPIRIT.

TONIGHT SHE OPENS AN EXHIBIT OF HER WORK.

I CAN'T BE THERE.

THIS WAS VERY UPSETTING TO ME,

BUT I'M NOT UPSET ANYMORE.

YOU'RE NOT?

NO. BECAUSE I KNOW YOU'LL BE THERE.

GREAT. THANK YOU. I WILL?

I'D LIKE YOU TO STAY CLOSE TO HER,

TELL ME WHO SHE TALKS TO, THAT SORT OF THING.

ONE GUY IN PARTICULAR. KEVIN CARTWRIGHT.

EX-BOYFRIEND. REAL PERSISTENT GUY.

I'M VERY WORRIED ABOUT HIM.

WHAT DO YOU SAY?

Announcer: PETER ELASOVIC KICKING IT AWAY.

HANGS IT HIGH. BATMAN HOLMAN WILL GRAB IT ON THE 7.

GO, BUDDY!

GO, GO, GO, GO!

AAH!

OK, RUN ME THROUGH THIS ONE MORE TIME.

CHARLES ASKED YOU TO SPY ON HIS MISTRESS

AND YOU JUST SAID YES.

WHAT ELSE COULD I HAVE SAID?

LET'S SEE. NO.

WHOA. WHAT HAVE WE GOT THIS WEEK?

DIM SUM.

HURRY UP AND DIMME SUM.

RICK, YOU DON'T PUT KETCHUP ON DIM SUM.

WHY?

BECAUSE, RAIN MAN, DIM SUM ARE NOT FRENCH FRIES.

OSKIE, IT IS REALLY IMPORTANT TO ME

THAT YOU GRASP THE DELICACY OF THE SITUATION.

YOU CAN'T JUST GO OFF ON SOME SPYING EXPEDITION.

LET HIM GO. WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?

CATCH THE BALL, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THESE?

AS CLOTHING?

Rick: SO THIS HONEY, CHARLES' GIRLFRIEND,

IS SHE--IS SHE HOT?

HE CAN'T AFFORD TO GO OUT WITH AN UGLY GIRL.

GIVE IT UP FOR CHARLES. WHAT'D I SAY!

I DON'T KNOW WHAT SHE LOOKS LIKE.

WHAT I DO KNOW IS BEFORE SHE WENT OUT WITH CHARLES,

SHE WENT OUT WITH KEVIN CARTWRIGHT.

HOLY SHIT.

WHO? DAMN. REALLY?

THE RUNNING BACK.

WE WATCH HIM EVERY WEEK.

FOR 7 SEASONS.

OH. YEAH.

THERE YOU GO. THERE YOU GO.

THERE IT IS.

YOU KNOW WHAT THE DEAL IS WITH THAT GUY?

HE CAUGHT A REALLY BIG FISH?

NO, MAN. THAT HE'S HUNG LIKE AN ARMY MULE.

THEY CALL IT THE PONDEROSA.

LIKE FROM BONANZA. THE CARTWRIGHTS? THE PONDEROSA?

WHAT UP?

YOU'RE WHITE, MAN. LET IT GO.

I DON'T THINK YOU GENTS ARE REALLY GRASPING

THE GRAVITY OF THE SITUATION.

THIS JOB COULD REALLY LAND OSCAR AND I

IN THE MAJOR LEAGUES,

AND, WELL, SINCE CHARLES IS SUCH AN IMPORTANT GUY,

CHANCES ARE THAT HIS GIRLFRIEND IS A FOXY ONE.

THAT'S THE PROBLEM. WE ALL KNOW HOW OSCAR

HANDLES HIMSELF AROUND THE HONEYS.

THERE IT IS!

GIVE ME SOME CREDIT? I HAVE A DEGREE OF SELF-CONTROL.

I DON'T JUST FALL OVER EVERY PRETTY GIRL I SEE.

MAN'S GOT YEAH.COMPLETE CONTROL.

YEAH, PETER, YOU'RE PARANOID.

YEAH. OK? SO DON'T WORRY.

LATER. GOOD NIGHT, GUYS.

OSCAR!

I WANT YOU BACK HERE BY 10:00, OK?

DORM CHECK AT 11:00!

[LAUGHING]

YOU KNOW WHAT'S FUNNY?

YOU'RE SO SCREWED.

[LAUGHING]

START LOOKING FOR ANOTHER JOB.

WHICH ONE OF YOU WANTS TO GET BITCH-SLAPPED FIRST?

I'LL GO SECOND.

[COUGHING]

I HAD NO IDEA THINGS WERE SO HAIRY IN BOSNIA.

YELLOWS AND PURPLES. I JUST LOVE ALL THIS.

OOH! PARDON.

WHOA!

OH! [GROANS]

HMM.

EXCUSE ME.

SHIT! PISS!

DAMN IT! FOR CHRIST'S SAKES!

THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO SCREW THESE THINGS.

[GASPS]

THANK YOU. YOU SAVED ME.

OH, WELL, YOU HAVE TO PROTECT SOMETHING AS BEAUTIFUL AS YOU.

AS IT.

YOU'RE NOT BEAUTIFUL, THE SCULPTURE IS.

I AM SO SORRY. THIS NEVER SHOULD HAVE HAPPENED.

BY THE WAY, HAVE I TOLD YOU HOW ENCHANTING YOU LOOK?

WOW.

HEY.

SAW YOU CATCH THAT PIECE. NICE MOVES.

WOW, THANKS.

COMING FROM YOU, THAT'S A HUGE COMPLIMENT.

YOU STILL HOLD THE COLLEGE RECORD

FOR THE MOST PENIS IN A SINGLE SEASON.

SO YOU HAVE ALL OF MY STATS?

OH, YEAH. I'M A HUGE FAN.

I USED TO HAVE THAT POSTER OF YOU.

HA HA HA!

DID I SAY PENIS BACK THERE?

YOU DID.

THOUGHT I'D LET IT GO.

THANK YOU.

SO DO YOU COME TO THESE GALLERY THINGS ALL THE TIME?

ACTUALLY, I'M VERY CLOSE TO THE ARTIST. AMY POST.

OH, REALLY. HOW CLOSE?

RIGHT. CLOSE.

SO WHAT ARE YOU DOING AFTER THE SHOW?

I MEAN, DID YOU COME HERE WITH ANYBODY BESIDES AMY?

WELL, ACTUALLY, I...

WILL YOU EXCUSE ME JUST FOR A MOMENT?

YEAH. YOU GO AHEAD. YOU GOT IT GOIN' ON.

[LAUGHS] YEAH.

"YOU GOT IT GOIN' ON."

Amy: EXCUSE ME.

THERE YOU ARE. I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR YOU.

I'M AMY POST, AND I OWE YOU ONE.

HI. I'M--I'M--

OH, BOY. OSCAR NOVAK.

IT'S NICE TO MEET YOU, OSCAR. THANK YOU FOR SAVING THAT PIECE.

OH, IT WAS AN HONOR. YOUR WORK IS AMAZING.

I MEAN, IT'S REALLY INCREDIBLE.

REALLY? WOW.

DON'T GET ME WRONG. I COULD DO IT BETTER.

OH?

YEAH. I DON'T ACTUALLY BLOW GLASS,

BUT IF I DID, I COULD DO IT A LITTLE BETTER.

HA HA HA!

THERE'S A PARTY FOR SOME ARTISTS AT A BAR ACROSS TOWN.

I WANT TO BUY YOU A DRINK. PAY YOU BACK FOR SAVING MY ASS.

OH, I DON'T THINK--

SEE YOU GUYSBYE! OVER THERE.

WAIT A SECOND. YOU SAID YOUR NAME WAS OSCAR NOVAK?

OF STEINBERGYEAH. AND NOVAK?

OH, MY GOD, THAT IS SO WILD.

I KNOW CHARLES NEWMAN.

YOU DO?

HUH. YEAH.

I LOVE THE TELFORD. ONE OF MY FAVORITES.

THANKS. ME, TOO.

I KNOW EVERY CURVE OF IT.

IT'S KIND OF LIKE A PERSON TO ME.

THAT'S SCARING YOU.

NO.

NO, THAT'S HOW I FEEL ABOUT MY STUFF.

I GET VERY CAUGHT UP IN MY PIECES.

I FEEL LIKE THEY'RE MY KIDS OR SOMETHING.

YEAH.

REALLY? I EVEN TALK TO THEM.

OK. HA HA HA!

SEE? I'M EVEN SCARIER THAN YOU.

WE'RE A COUPLE OF KOOKS, YOU AND ME.

[ENGINE CLANKING]

[BACKFIRES]

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

I THINK HE'S DEALING WITH THAT RATHER WELL.

MAYBE WE SHOULD JUST WALK?

NO, IT'LL BE FINE. I'M GONNA CHECK THE ENGINE.

I'M GONNA CHECK THE--

[SHOUTING]

OK. OSCAR--

PROBABLY JUST A HOSE.

OR NOT.

MM-HMM.

[CABBIE SHOUTING]

[GIGGLES]

GO. COME ON.

ALL RIGHT.

GO. JUST GO.

IT'LL RAIN IN A SECOND.

[GIGGLING]

[MAKING ODD NOISES]

UH, I HAVE A QUESTION.

HMM?

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

3 SOUNDS AT ONCE.

ALL RIGHT, THAT'S HORRIFYING.

PLEASE DO IT AGAIN.

[MAKING NOISES]

EXCUSE ME, THAT'S NOT 3 SOUNDS AT ONCE.

NO, IT IS. IT GOES "BMP" AND "TSK" AND THE HUMMING.

OK.

OH!

OH, SHIT!

HERE, LET ME. I GOT IT.

UNH!

OH, GOD, YOU HURT YOURSELF.

NO. NO. YOU HURT ME.

YEAH, SEE, YOU HIT ME IN THE FACE.

I'M SORRY.

WAIT.

SO, WHAT'S GOOD HERE?

TUNA MELT.

OOH, WHAT ELSE IS GOOD?

TUNA MELT.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

2 TUNA MELTS.

SO, YOU SEEING ANYONE RIGHT NOW?

UH, ME? NO.

I HAVE TROUBLE FINDING PEOPLE THAT ARE COMPATIBLE.

THEY ALWAYS WANT TO SLEEP ON MY SIDE OF THE BED.

WHAT SIDE? LEFT SIDE.

GET OUT. I LIKE THE LEFT SIDE.

SEE?

ARE YOU LONELY?

NO. NO. YOU'RE OK COMPANY

AS LONG AS YOU'RE NOT BEATING THE HELL OUT OF ME.

I GET IT. YOU DON'T LIKE TO REVEAL TOO MUCH.

I RESENT THAT. AND I WOULD RESPOND TO IT

IF IT WEREN'T SO REVEALING.

THEN YOU CHANGE THE SUBJECT WITH A JOKE. GO IT.

I WILL LET YOU KNOW WHEN I AM JOKING.

[THUNDER]

THIS IS NOT FOOD.

I THINK IT LOOKS GOOD.

[CRUNCH]

TRY IT.

[CRUNCH]

OH, ARE YOU OK?

MOUTH...WATERING. [STOMACH BURBLES]

GOD! I KNEW THAT TUNA MELT TASTED FUNNY.

I'M LUCKY I CAN EAT JUST ABOUT ANYTHING.

KNOW WHY? MY MOTHER WAS A HORRIBLE COOK.

SHE MADE THIS CHICKEN THING THAT SMELLED LIKE SHE TOOK

AN OLD TENNIS SHOE, A WET DOG, AND SOME BLEU CHEESE--

MMM!

I'M SORRY.

COULD YOU EXCUSE ME FOR A SECOND?

SURE.

[VOMITS]

BOY, I FEEL GOOD.

OH, GOD. DON'T WORRY. YOU'LL FEEL BETTER IN A SECOND.

[SIGHS]

[VOMITS]

IT JUST DOESN'T GET BETTER THAN THIS.

YOU STILL WANT TO GO TO THAT PARTY?

OH, YEAH, ABSOLUTELY.

[WHISTLES]

ARE WE SURE THIS IS SAFE?

IT'S SAFE. ALLOW ME.

OOF!

HA!

MMM!

MAYBE WE SHOULD SKIP THE PARTY.

MMM.

[AMY LAUGHING]

HEY, I'M SORRY ABOUT BEFORE. HOW ARE YOUR BALLS?

THEY'RE FINE. THANK YOU FOR ASKING THAT.

I HAD A GREAT TIME TONIGHT.

ONE CATASTROPHE AFTER ANOTHER. I LOVED IT.

ME, TOO.

THIS IS ME.

OH.

[LAUGHING]

WOULD YOU LIKE TO COME DOWN TO MY SHOP

SOMETIME, SEE ME WORK?

OH, YEAH. THAT'D BE GREAT.

TOMORROW? I COULD ALWAYS USE A LITTLE HELP.

OH, UM...

OH. I'M SORRY.

YOU'RE PROBABLY REALLY BUSY. THAT'S OK.

NO, I'D REALLY LOVE TO.

SAY NO MORE. I UNDERSTAND.

[SPLASHING]

[CLINK]

[IMITATING CROWD CHEERING]

WHAT HAPPENED?

GEE--

WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO YOUR HEAD?

I'VE BEEN UP FOR 9 HOURS. I GOT BORED.

YOU'RE A VERY STRANGE MAN.

NOW, WILL YOU GET OUT OF MY APARTMENT?

WHAT HAPPENED? NOTHING.

OSKIE, OSKIE, IT'S 6:00 IN THE MORNING.

IT WAS AWFUL, OK?

AS SOON AS WE LEFT THE GALLERY, OUR CAB CAUGHT ON FIRE.

THEN SHE ELBOWED ME IN THE FACE.

THEN--[SNIFFS]-- WE BOTH THREW UP.

THEN SHE SLAMMED A CAR HANDLE INTO MY BALLS, OK?

THE ENTIRE NIGHT WAS A TOTAL DISASTER.

YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH HER.

PRETTY MUCH.

[SIGHS]

OSCAR, I'M GOING TO HAVE TO DEFAULT ON MY MORTGAGE

AND MOVE INTO THE STREET AND LIVE IN A BOX

AND WALK UP AND DOWN THE STREET WITH A LITTLE BOWL

BEGGING FOR GRUEL AND CRUSTS OF BREAD,

BECAUSE OF YOU, YOU BASTARD!

I TOLD YOU, NOTHING HAPPENED.

SOMETHING ALWAYS HAPPENS.

WHEN IT COMES TO YOU AND ROMANCE,

MUCH AS I LOVE YOU, SOMETHING ALWAYS HAPPENS.

YOU KNOW WHAT? I RESENT THAT, OK?

I'VE HAD PLENTY OF RELATIONSHIPS THAT WERE VERY SUCCESSFUL.

BEFORE THEY WENT ABSOLUTELY NOWHERE.

I'M SORRY. OSCAR, LISTEN.

I DIDN'T MEAN THAT. I REALLY DIDN'T MEAN THAT.

YOU GOTTA SEE THIS WOMAN, PETER.

SHE'S BEAUTIFUL...

AND FUNNY...

AND SMART.

AND SHE HAS AN ASS THAT IS SO SEXY

THAT I STRUGGLE TO EVEN UNDERSTAND IT.

ARE YOU GOING TO CROCHET THAT INTO A PILLOW

AND SEND IT TO HER MOTHER?

HA.

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE STARTING TO SOUND

LIKE YOU HAVE A VERY LOW OPINION OF ME, SIR.

OSCAR, YOU KNOW THAT'S NOT TRUE.

IT'S JUST THAT THIS PROJECT

REPRESENTS SUCH A MAJOR OPPORTUNITY FOR US.

ALL OF OUR DREAMS COULD COME TRUE.

I'M SURE AMY IS LOVELY AND COMPLICATED,

BUT THERE ARE A MILLION GIRLS OUT THERE

AND JUST ONE PROJECT LIKE THIS,

SO I'M BEGGING YOU, PLEASE, PLEASE,

STAY AWAY FROM AMY.

AND HER BEWILDERING ASS.

OK.

OK?

OK, I'LL STAY AWAY.

SORRY.

MOVE IT!

[SOBBING]

HOW MUCH ARE WE PAYING THEM?

THEY'RE INTERNS. THEY'RE FREE.

YEAH, WELL, WE'RE GETTING RIPPED OFF.

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

HELLO.

OSCAR, HOW ARE YOU?

OH, HI, CHARLES. HOLD ON FOR JUST ONE SECOND?

It's Charles!

Charles: HOW'D IT GO?

IT WENT GREAT.

YES, I DON'T THINK YOU HAVE ANYTHING TO WORRY ABOUT THERE.

CARTWRIGHT--IT WAS GREAT.

I SEE. EXCELLENT. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

I KNOW THIS WHOLE THING MAY SEEM EXTREME TO YOU.

I'M NOT PROUD OF MYSELF, ASKING YOU TO LOOK OUT FOR HER,

BUT JUST KNOWING SOMEONE'S THERE,

THAT WE'RE BOTH KEEPING AN EYE OUT.

I'M JUST SO...COMFORTED.

THAT'S WHY I'D LIKE YOU TO SPEND AS MUCH TIME

WITH HER AS POSSIBLE. WHAT DO YOU SAY?

AS MUCH TIME WITH AMY AS POSSIBLE?

Say no!

UH, I...

YOU KNOW, AS MUCH AS I'D LOVE TO, SIR,

OSCAR, I HOPE YOU KNOW I WOULD NEVER ASK YOU

TO DO SOMETHING WHICH YOU FIND INCONSISTENT

WITH YOUR VALUES.

OF COURSE, IF YOU DON'T WANT TO HELP ME OUT,

THAT'S OK. I UNDERSTAND COMPLETELY.

Say yes! Say yes!

YES. YES.

THANK YOU, OSCAR.

NO PROBLEM, SIR--

[CLICK]

WELL, I GUESS I HAVE TO KEEP SEEING HER.

OF COURSE YOU HAVE TO KEEP SEEING HER, YOU MORON.

OSKIE, I'M A PROFESSIONAL.

I WENT TO GRADUATE SCHOOL.

I DID 72 ALL-NIGHTERS MY SENIOR YEAR.

I DID A SEMESTER IN EGYPT.

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA

WHAT TOILET PAPER FEELS LIKE IN EGYPT?!

I DELIVERED CINNAMON ROLLS ON A TRUCK WITH BAD SUSPENSION

FOR 3 YEARS! DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT DOES TO YOUR KIDNEYS?

YOUR KIDNEYS! YOUR KIDNEYS!

MY POOR KIDNEYS! MY FREAKING KIDNEYS!

MY POOR FREAKING KIDNEYS!

[SOBBING]

MY FREAKING, SCARRED, BRUISED KIDNEYS!

[SOFT JAZZ PLAYING]

THAT IS VERY SWEET OF YOU.

BUT YOU KNOW I CAN'T ACCEPT IT.

COME ON. I CAN'T EVEN GIVE YOU A LITTLE GIFT?

CHARLES, WE'VE BEEN OVER THIS. I DON'T NEED ANY PRESENTS.

I HAVE TOO MUCH STUFF AS IT IS.

OK.

YOU WIN.

YOU ALWAYS WIN.

SO? I'M WAITING FOR MY CROSS- EXAMINATION ABOUT LAST NIGHT.

CROSS-EXAMINE? ME? I WOULD NEVER DO THAT.

YOU'RE COMPLETELY COOL WITH ME GOING OUT ON MY OWN?

HONESTLY?

NO, BUT I'M WORKING ON IT.

GREAT. I'M VERY PROUD OF YOU.

YOU KNOW, I MET SOMEONE INTERESTING LAST NIGHT.

ACTUALLY, YOU KNOW HIM. OSCAR NOVAK.

YOU'RE KIDDING. YOU MET OSCAR?

THAT IS A COINCIDENCE.

YEAH.

HE'S A REALLY GOOD GUY.

VERY.

HE AND HIS PARTNER BOTH HAVE A GREAT AESTHETIC SENSE.

GUESS MOST OF THEM DO.

MOST?

GAY MEN.

YOU DID KNOW HE WAS GAY?

[LAUGHS] YEAH.

SURE. YEAH.

NOT THAT I CARE.

DOESN'T BOTHER ME.

RIGHT. WHO CARES?

YOU KNOW, THE OTHER NIGHT

I ALMOST STARTED HAVING A CRUSH ON YOU?

ISN'T THAT FUNNY?

HMM.

SOMETHING ABOUT LATE NIGHTS AND THUNDERSTORMS.

I HOPE THAT'S OK WITH YOU.

YEAH. IT'S--YEAH.

[BLOWS]

OSCAR, IF YOU AND I ARE GOING TO KEEP HANGING OUT,

THERE'S SOMETHING I HAVE TO TELL YOU.

WHAT?

COME OVER HERE.

REMEMBER THE OTHER NIGHT WHEN YOU MENTIONED CHARLES NEWMAN

AND I SAID THAT I KNEW HIM?

YEAH?

EXCUSE ME? BLOW.

HELP ME BLOW. EXCUSE ME?

KEEP YOUR MOUTH ON THE OPENING.

WELL, THE TRUTH IS ACTUALLY THAT...

CHARLES AND I ARE INVOLVED.

WE'RE HAVING AN AFFAIR.

OH.

YEAH, ISN'T THAT WEIRD?

YOU SHOW UP AT MY SHOW, WE GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER,

AND I'M INVOLVED WITH YOUR BOSS?

THAT'S SO WEIRD.

I KNOW.

BY THE WAY, HOW DID YOU FIND OUT ABOUT MY SHOW?

I READ--READ IT IN THE NEWSPAPER

AND SAID, "GLASSBLOWING SOUNDS REALLY COOL,"

AND I DIDN'T HAVE ANYTHING BETTER TO DO.

HA! MAN, YOU ARE A BAD LIAR.

YOU CANNOT LIE.

[CRACKLING AND HISSING]

I'M A LITTLE SLOW, OSCAR, BUT I FIGURED IT OUT.

YOU WERE SPYING ON ME.

LISTEN, I'M SORRY. I'M SO SORRY.

I REALLY SHOULD HAVE TOLD YOU.

YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND.

OUR ENTIRE CAREERS ARE IN HIS HANDS.

AND THEN I MET YOU...

AND YOU MADE 3 SOUNDS AT ONCE...

AND I JUST REALLY WANTED TO GET TO KNOW YOU.

OK.

JUST DON'T EVER LIE TO ME AGAIN.

OK.

COME ON, IT'S THE GREAT THING ABOUT BEING FRIENDS

WITH A MISTRESS-- I'M FREE MOST EVENINGS.

WHAT DO YOU SAY?

OH, UH, TONIGHT? WOW.

IF YOU DON'T COME OVER, I'LL TELL CHARLES

YOU WENT ABSOLUTELY CRAZY AND MADE A PASS AT ME.

I COULD REALLY GET YOU IN TROUBLE, OSCAR.

OH, I'VE GOT TO TAKE A SHOWER.

YEAH, I WAS GONNA SAY.

HA!

YOU KNOW, I GET THIS FEELING AROUND YOU?

I DON'T KNOW WHY.

LIKE WE'VE KNOWN EACH OTHER A REALLY LONG TIME.

OR IN ANOTHER LIFE OR SOMETHING.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

YEAH.

NO.

WHAT WAS THE QUESTION?

ARE YOU ALWAYS THIS NERVOUS?

YEAH.

LET'S HAVE DINNER AND CELEBRATE.GREAT.

AFTER ALL, IT'S NOT EVERY DAY I GET TO HANG OUT WITH A SPY.

THERE'S A CD IN THERE. HIT PLAY.

OK.

I'LL SEE YOU IN A MINUTE.

GO AHEAD.

RIGHT.

[SHOWER RUNNING]

[TANGO MUSIC PLAYING]

I'M BATMAN.

[GLASS BREAKS]

Amy: * ...BLOODED *

* CHECK IT AND SEE *

* GOT A FEVER OF 103 *

* COME ON, BABY, DO YOU DO MORE THAN DANCE? *

* HOT BLOODED *

* I'M HOT BLOODED *

* OW! *

* KNOW WHAT I HAVE IN MIND *

* AND YOU OUGHT TO KNOW *

* I'M HOT *

OH, SHIT.

[TURNS OFF SHOWER]

OW.

[TURNS UP MUSIC]

OK, I'M READY.

WHERE'S MY CHAMPAGNE?

RIGHT HERE.

A TOAST TO...

UH...

WHAT SHOULD WE TOAST TO?

UH, TO...

WHAT, YOU DON'T CALL ANYMORE? YOU JUST SHOW UP?

YEAH.

HI.

WOW.

CHAMPAGNE, MUSIC,

AMY IN A KIMONO.

I SWEAR, IF YOU WEREN'T GAY, OSCAR...

I'D HAVE TO KILL YOU.

GAY?

I'M NOT GAY. I--I DIDN'T--GAY?

[LAUGHS]

OH, OSCAR, COME ON. WE DON'T CARE.

ABSOLUTELY. WHAT PEOPLE DO

IN THE PRIVACY OF THEIR OWN BEDROOMS

IS NO CONCERN TO US, RIGHT?

RIGHT.

HEY, HOW ARE YOU?

I JUST LOVE JAPANESE KIMONOS.

I KNOW.

AAH!

AAH!

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

HI.

THANK GOD YOU'RE HERE. I NEED TO--

BOY, YOU GUYS THROW A LOT OF DINNER PARTIES.

I'M GAY. IT'S WHAT WE DO.

REALLY?

THAT AND SHOP FOR SMALL DOGS.

CAN I HELP YOU WITH SOMETHING?

I NEED TO TALK WITH YOU PRIVATELY.

I NEED TO TALK WITH HIM PRIVATELY.

WE'RE GOING TO TALK PRIVATELY.

ANYONE WANT CAPPUCCINOS?

[LOUD BUBBLING]

THEY THINK I'M GAY.

WHAT?

THEY THINK I'M GAY.

COME AGAIN?

EVERYBODY THINKS...

[BUBBLING STOPS] I'M GAY!

I WIN THE POOL.

[APPLAUSE]

COME AGAIN?

AMY AND CHARLES

THINK I'M GAY.

OH, NO. OH, YES.

YOU'RE GAY.

I'M GAY.

WE'RE GAY.

HMM.Peter: GOOD GOD.

I KNOW.

I MEAN, HOW CAN THEY THINK THAT? ME, GAY?

I MEAN, IT'S JUST SO--SO EMBARRASSING

AND--AND--AND MORTIFYING AND...

HUMILIATING.

HUMILIATING. YES.

I MEAN, I DON'T GET IT. I DON'T SEE IT.

I'M JUST A REGULAR, NORMAL...

INSENSITIVE ASSHOLE.

BUT, COME ON, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, RIGHT?

OH, SURE.

I KNOW THAT WHEN YOU SAY THAT YOU'RE HUMILIATED,

WHAT YOU ACTUALLY MEAN IS YOU'RE PROUD AND UNASHAMED.

NO, NO, IT'S NOT THAT. IT'S JUST--

BEING GAY IS NOT NORMAL?

YOU KNOW I DON'T THINK THAT, OK?

I HAVE NO PROBLEM WITH PEOPLE BEING GAY.

IN FACT, I'M ALL FOR HOMOSEXUALITY,

ESPECIALLY WHEN IT HAPPENS BETWEEN 2 GORGEOUS WOMEN--

OR 3-- BUT I'M NOT GAY.

LOOK, I'M SORRY. I DIDN'T MEAN WHAT I SAID BEFORE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M TRYING TO DECIDE

IF I SHOULD RECOVER GRACEFULLY FROM YOUR INSULTS

OR KNEECAP YOU.

YES. I'M INSENSITIVE AND--AND CALLOUS.

WELL, YOU'RE STUPID AND YOUNG.

YES.

YES, STUPID AND YOUNG,

BUT THAT DOESN'T CHANGE THE FACT

THAT WE ARE IN DEEP SHIT HERE, OK?

SO WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?

WE? I DON'T REALLY SEE

THERE'S ANYTHING IN PARTICULAR FOR ME TO DO.

WE HAVE TO DO SOMETHING.WHY?

BECAUSE EVERYBODY THINKS I'M GAY.

I DON'T. YOU DON'T?

WHO CARES?

YOU'RE ENJOYING THIS.

NOW, YOUNG OSKIE,

I TOLD YOU WHEN YOU WANTED TO GO SPY ON THAT GIRL

SOMETHING BAD MIGHT HAPPEN. YOU DIDN'T LISTEN,

SO THE REALITY IS-- NO.

YES. THE REALITY IS, YOU MADE YOUR BIG GAY BED,

AND MUST NOW SLUMBER GAILY IN IT.

BUT I--I DON'T WANT TO.

SWEET DREAMS.

HEY, I'LL SEE YOU AT THE NEXT DINNER PARTY.

POOR GUY.

IT'S SO HARD WHEN YOU FIRST COME OUT.

OHH!

* IT'S THE MADDEST KIND OF LOVE *

* IT'S A MAD, MAD LOVE *

* OOH, YEAH *

[HIGH-PITCHED] AAH!

[LOW-PITCHED] AAH!

AAH!

YOU WANT A BEER? I'M GOING TO GRAB A BEER.

Zack: THERE HE IS. THERE'S THE GUY.

GO, BUDDY. YOU GOT TO RUN WITH THAT.

COME ON, BABY.

COME ON, PONDEROSA.

YOU GOT TO RUN.

All: UHH!

AW! AW!

SO, HOW'D THE SPY OPERATION GO THE OTHER NIGHT?

UH, IT'S JUST A LITTLE-- A LITTLE COMPLICATED.

HE DID HER. SCORE.

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA. YOU GOT LUCKY?

AW...

IS SHE STACKED?

SHE'S REALLY STACKED, ISN'T SHE?

OH, MY GOD. DID SHE TIE YOU UP?

SHE'S A DOMINATRIX, ISN'T SHE?

HA! YOU LITTLE PIGGY.

YOU GOT IT ON WITH A HOT, BIG-BREASTED DOMINATRIX, HUH?

YOU TELL ME.

[LAUGHS]

AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO'S LISTENING?

NOTHING HAPPENED WITH AMY.

AND, ANYWAY, I, UM...

I'VE BEEN MEANING TO TELL YOU GUYS

THAT, YOU KNOW, AHEM...

YOU'RE NOT GOING TO SEE ME WITH ANY WOMEN

FOR A WHILE.

YOU KNOW, I JUST KIND OF DECIDED TO...

JUST SWEAR OFF GIRLS FOR A WHILE--

I DON'T KNOW, JUST A LITTLE BIT OF TIME.

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

Oscar: AMY.

CAN I MOVE IN?

I PUT MOST OF MY STUFF IN STORAGE.

THIS IS JUST WHAT I NEED.

I NEED MY CLOTHES, MY SKETCH BOOKS,

MY TOOLS.

SO, YOU'RE AMY.

NICE TO MEET YOU.

HI.

OSCAR TOLD US ABOUT THE OTHER NIGHT.

HE DID?

THAT IS SO EMBARRASSING AFTER WHAT I DID TO HIM.

ARE YOUR BALLS OK, OR ARE THEY STILL SORE?

WE SHOULDOK. GET GOING.TIME TO GO.

CIAO. OK.

I'M OUT. OK.

TOOLS.

OK.

Zack: HUH.

I AM IMPRESSED.

Rick: YOU LIKE THAT?

Bill: PRETTY DELISH, HUH?

ARE THEY ALL GAY?

WHOA!

YES.

DAMN.

THE LITTLE ONE WAS KIND OF CUTE.

YEAH, WELL, HE'S NOT EXACTLY MY TYPE.

LET ME ASK YOU--

HEY, HOW'S KEVIN DOING TONIGHT?

HE SCORE YET?

OH, HE'S KICKING ASS.

REALLY? YOU LIKE HIM?

ARE YOU KIDDING? I WORSHIP THE GUY.

SO, UH...

ARE YOU OK?

YOU KNOW, THIS PLACE IS AWESOME--

DRAFTY, BUT AWESOME.

TUNA FISH.

VERY BRAVE.

ACTUALLY, I BROUGHT THAT JUST FOR YOU.

OH, THANKS.

[LAUGHS]

I BROUGHT THAT FOR YOU, TOO.

IT'LL FIT YOU PERFECTLY.

IS THIS YOU? DON'T.

HA HA HA HA! WERE YOU IN A BAND?

THOSE ARE MY FRIENDS IN HIGH SCHOOL.

OK, BUT YOU ARE AWARE OF WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE

IN THIS PICTURE, RIGHT?

IT'S NOT MY FAULT. IT WAS THE EIGHTIES.

THEY MADE YOU LOOK LIKE THAT.

YOU DIDN'T LOOK LIKE A DORK IN THE EIGHTIES?

HEY, I GOT THROUGH THE EIGHTIES DORK-FREE.

RIGHT, AND YOU'RE MAKING UP FOR IT NOW.

UH-OH. HA HA. HA HA.

[SIGHS]

YOU KNOW, I APPRECIATE THIS, OSCAR,

ESPECIALLY SINCE YOU AND I HAVEN'T KNOWN EACH OTHER LONG.

IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE BEEN DODGING MY LANDLORD

FOR A WHILE, AND HE FINALLY NABBED ME,

AND I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO, AND...

SEE, THE THING IS, I HAVE A LOT OF FRIENDS.

I JUST DON'T HAVE A LOT OF FRIENDS,

YOU KNOW?

TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH, I DIDN'T REALLY HAVE

ANYWHERE ELSE TO GO.

YOU CAME TO THE RIGHT PLACE.

[SIGHS]

FANTASTIC PLACE.

GRIMY, RAW--

I LIKE IT.

HI, CHARLES.

I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND ME STOPPING BY LIKE THIS.

AMY TOLD ME SHE'D BE HERE.

NO, NO, NO. CONSIDER THIS...

NO.

LET'S GO.

I GOT YOU A ROOM AT THE FOUR SEASONS--

NO. THAT'S OK.

OSCAR HAS KINDLY AGREED TO TAKE ME IN.

UH, CHARLES, AMY CAN STAY HERE WITH ME.

IT'S OK.

LIKE I SAID, A SAINT.

OK, YOU WIN.

YOU ALWAYS WIN.

HOW'S THE PROJECT?

GREAT.

[SIGHS]

SO...

YEAH. I'M GOING TO HEAD HOME NOW.

I MEAN, I'M GOING TO HEAD UP THERE TO....

I'M GOING TO BED.

YEAH. ARE YOU SURE?

BE ASLEEP AS SOON AS MY HEAD HITS THE PILLOW.

THIS PLACE IS SUCH A DUMP.

I FEEL LIKE I'M GOING TO CATCH SOMETHING.

SHUT UP, CHUCK.

[AMY AND CHARLES CHATTERING]

[GLASS CLATTERS]

[BOTH LAUGH]

SHIT.

SHIT, SHIT, SHIT.

SHIT.

[OBJECTS CLATTER]

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

* WHO'S TO BLAME? *

* IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT *

* THEY DON'T REMEMBER YOUR NAME *

[AMY AND CHARLES LAUGH]

[RADIO CHANGING STATIONS]

DJ: HEY, ALL RIGHT, IT'S 7:07, CHICAGO.

WAKE UP! YEAH, YOU, DIMWIT.

YOU IDIOT, YOU MORON, YOU A-HOLE.

GO TO YOUR CRAPPY JOB NOW.

GO PUT ON YOUR CRUSTY UNDERWEAR

AND YOUR BLUE COLLAR SHIRT.

[STATIC]

[GLASS BREAKS]

[HEAVY BREATHING]

HEY. HEY.

DOES HE KNOW THAT HE'S UPSIDE-DOWN?

[BREATHING STOPS]

YOGA.

YOGA. RIGHT, YOGA.

THE NEW TYCOON SPENT THE NIGHT ON YOUR COUCH.

I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND.

NO, NO. YEAH, NO.

[BREATHES RHYTHMICALLY]

DO YOU WANT SOME COFFEE?

SHH!

I'LL JUST GET YOU A NICE CUP OF DECAF.

HAVE YOU BOYS BOTH FINISHED YOUR HOMEWORK?

CUTE.

DON'T FIGHT WITH THE OTHER KIDS ON THE BUS.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING TONIGHT?

GOING OUT WITH SOME FRIENDS.

GREAT. SOUNDS LIKE FUN.

MM-HMM.

CIAO.

CIAO.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING TONIGHT?

GOING OUT WITH HER FRIENDS.

GREAT. SOUNDS LIKE FUN.

[HONKS HORN]

[RINGS BELL]

AND WHAT ABOUT WORKING FOR MR. CHARLES NEWMAN?

IS HE EVERYTHING HE'S REPUTED TO BE?

OH, EVERYTHING AND MORE.

MORE.

I UNDERSTAND YOU'RE AN OPENLY GAY FIRM.

DO YOU FEEL THIS WILL HAVE ANY IMPACT

ON THE COMPETITION,

PETER?

WE JUST TRY AND DO OUR JOBS.

OSCAR?

I DON'T THINK IT'S IMPORTANT

WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK OF US PERSONALLY.

YES, BUT DON'T YOU FEEL

THAT YOU HAVE A CERTAIN RESPONSIBILITY

AS A GAY PROFESSIONAL?

NO.

IF WE'RE TALENTED, WE SHOULDN'T HAVE TO BACK THAT UP

BY PRETENDING TO BE SOMETHING WE'RE NOT.

PEOPLE HAVE TO UNDERSTAND THAT WE ARE INDIVIDUALS.

WHO CARES IF WE'RE GAY OR STRAIGHT?

WHY CAN'T PEOPLE JUST ACCEPT US FOR WHO WE ARE?

YOU DO KNOW YOU'RE NOT GAY, RIGHT?

[MUSIC PLAYING]

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I THINK YOU'VE BEEN WORKING TOO HARD.

YOU NEED TO RELAX.

I HAVE A SURPRISE FOR YOU.

FOR ME?

MM-HMM...

AND THERE HE IS.

THAT'S KEVIN CARTWRIGHT.

YOU TWO HAVE MET BEFORE, RIGHT?

OH, YEAH.

REMEMBER THE MIAMI GAME, '93?

180 YARDS-- UNBELIEVABLE.

WELL, ACTUALLY, IT WAS, LIKE, 150,

BUT WHO CARES ABOUT A COUPLE YARDS, YOU KNOW?

YOU'RE THE MAN. [LAUGHS]

THAT'S KEVIN CARTWRIGHT

RIGHT HERE.

DIDN'T YOU--YOU BROKE YOUR HAND, RIGHT?

NO, NO, NO, I SPRAINED MY HAND.

WHAT'S UP, MAN?

AND THEN YOU GAINED ANOTHER 50 YARDS.

THAT'S 230 YARDS IN A GAME, MY MAN.

MMM, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT.

YOU KNOW WHAT'S AMAZING? BASEBALL PLAYER,

IF HE STUBS HIS TOE,

HE'S ON THE DISABLED LIST FOR, LIKE, 9 YEARS.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW ANY BASEBALL PLAYERS.

HEY!

I'D LOVE TO STAY AND TALK,

BUT I'M BORED OUT OF MY MIND.

NO. BEHAVE YOURSELVES.

OK. I LOVE THAT GIRL.

THAT'S A GOOD GIRL.

LISTEN, YOU'RE NOT GOING TO YELL MY NAME OUT

NO MORE, ARE YOU?

OH, NO, NO, I'M FINISHED.

AH, COOL. SO, YOU WANT TO GET ANOTHER ROUND?

ABSOLUTELY. ALL RIGHT.

THAT'S KEVIN CARTWRIGHT RIGHT THERE.

[LAUGHS]

7 SECONDS LEFT.

20 YARDS FOR A SCORE.

WAITING ON PLAY FOR THE SET.

SET! HUT, HUT!

AND HE'S GOT SOME RUNNING ROOM.

* BOP, BIM, BOW *

HIKE!

HA HA HA! HEY!

[BOTH LAUGHING]

OH...

OSCAR.

KEVIN.

OSCAR, I GOT TO TELL YOU SOMETHING.

I'M VERY ATTRACTED TO YOU.

AND THAT'S A FOOTBALL TERM FOR...

I'M VERY ATTRACTED TO YOU.

EVIDENTLY.

HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT? I CAN'T BREATHE.

OH. YEAH.

THERE WE GO.

OH, SEE, I TOLD AMY

HOW I FELT WHEN WE FIRST MET.

THAT'S WHY SHE SET THIS WHOLE THING UP.

OH, HOW VERY NICE OF HER.

LOOK, I'M A LITTLE NEW AT THIS.

I ONLY REALIZED I WAS GAY A COUPLE YEARS AGO,

AFTER AMY AND I BROKE UP.

I MEAN, IF YOU CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH HER,

YOU MUST BE GAY, RIGHT?

[LAUGHS]

YEAH, WELL...

LOOK, I ONLY LIVE A COUPLE BLOCKS FROM HERE.

DO YOU WANT TO COME BY FOR ANOTHER DRINK?

OH, THAT'S VERY FLATTERING.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? THE--

THE TRUTH IS, I'M--I'M IN LOVE WITH SOMEBODY ELSE.

OH.

YEAH. I MEAN, I THINK YOU'RE REALLY GREAT,

BUT I'M KIND OF HEAD OVER HEELS, YOU KNOW?

I'M--I'M SORRY.

IF--IF AMY HAD JUST TOLD ME, I WOULD'VE--

YEAH, WELL, ACTUALLY, THIS PERSON

IS COMPLETELY INVOLVED WITH SOMEBODY ELSE,

SO THERE'S NO HOPE.

BUT I--I JUST...

CAN'T HELP THE WAY THAT I FEEL, YOU KNOW?

POOR GUY.

THAT'S AWFUL.

OH, HEY, YEAH. THANKS.

[SIGHS]

KEVIN.

KEVIN?

KEV?

[DOOR CLOSES]

I DID NOT...

ASK YOU...

TO DO THAT.

Amy: YOU DON'T HAVE TO YELL THROUGH THE DOOR, OSCAR.

ARE YOU DECENT?

YES.

LISTEN, OSCAR, I MEANT WELL. I JUST KNEW YOU WERE LONELY.

YEAH, OK.

JUST...

DON'T EVER DO THAT TO ME AGAIN.

OK.

I'M SORRY.

OK.

CAN YOU DO ME A FAVOR AND NOT TELL ANYONE ABOUT KEVIN?

HE'S STILL TRYING TO FIGURE THINGS OUT FOR HIMSELF.

BELIEVE ME, MUM IS THE WORD.

THE WORD IS MUM.

COME IN.

SO, WHAT IS IT? HE'S NOT YOUR TYPE?

HE--HE HAS, UM...

UH, NO.

NO. I--I PREFER TO DATE PEOPLE

WHO ARE A LITTLE...

A LITTLE MORE...

I DON'T KNOW.NOT SO BIG AND TALL?

EXACTLY.

WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS ON PENIS SIZE?

DO YOU KNOW, UM...

I HAVEN'T EXACTLY

ORGANIZED MY THOUGHTS ON THAT YET.

JUST BETWEEN YOU AND ME,

WHEN I WAS DATING KEVIN, WE HAD A REAL PROBLEM.

HE HAS THIS GIANT THING.

NO KIDDING.

I WAS SURPRISED WHEN KEVIN TOLD ME HE WAS GAY.

GUESS YOU CAN'T ALWAYS TELL.

CAN YOU PASS ME THE RAZOR?

UH, YEAH.

I'M GOING TO GO.

ACTUALLY, I HAD A LESBIAN EXPERIENCE ONCE.

REALLY? MM-HMM.

YOU DID?

YEAH. IT WAS IN COLLEGE.

THERE WAS THIS BRAZILIAN GIRL

IN MY INTRO PHILOSOPHY CLASS.

AND, UH...

ONE NIGHT, WE WERE STUDYING,

AND WE WERE SITTING ON HER BED,

AND HER HAIR ACCIDENTALLY BRUSHED MY HAND.

AND ALL OF THE SUDDEN, I NOTICED

HOW AMAZING SHE LOOKED--

OLIVE SKIN AND THESE INCREDIBLE BEE-STUNG LIPS

AND THESE BEAUTIFUL...

WELL, YOU KNOW HOW IT IS IN COLLEGE.

WE EXPERIMENTED.

YEAH. YOU HAD A...

WELL, GOOD FOR YOU, I SAY.

I'M--I'M SAYING GOOD FOR YOU.

YOU KNOW, I COULD NEVER TELL A STRAIGHT GUY THAT.

HE WOULD START ASKING REALLY CREEPY QUESTIONS,

TRYING TO WEASEL OUT DETAILS.

AW, THAT'S WEIRD. THAT IS SICK...

AND--AND WEIRD.

MEN HAVE THESE STUPID

PENTHOUSE, SPICE CHANNEL FANTASIES

ABOUT 2 WOMEN TOGETHER,

WITH GARTER BELTS AND PUSH-UP BRAS

AND HIGH HEELS.

THAT'S JUST NOT HOW IT HAPPENS.

WELL, OF COURSE NOT.

WHAT HAPPENS IS...

IT WAS JUST DIFFERENT.

SHE WAS PASSIONATE AND SENSITIVE.

WOW, LISTEN TO ME.

THIS MUST BE SO BORING FOR YOU.

NO.

NO. I MEAN, IT'S NOT-- IT'S NOT THAT BORING.

WELL, WE DID DO ONE THING

THAT WAS KIND OF LIKE THOSE STUPID MALE FANTASIES.

YOU DID?

YEAH. IT WAS REALLY...

OH, I CAN'T EVEN SAY IT.

OH, SURE--SURE, YOU CAN.

WE'RE JUST A COUPLE OF GIRLFRIENDS HERE.

OK.

OK, COME HERE. I'LL WHISPER IT IN YOUR EAR.

OK.

[WHISPERING]

[LAUGHING]

HAND ME MY TOWEL, WOULD YA?

OK. SURE.

TURN AROUND.

OK.

MAN, IT'S HOT IN HERE.

DJ: ALL RIGHT, CHICAGO,

I GOTTA GET SOMETHING OFF MY CHEST HERE.

I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR SEXUAL ORIENTATION.

I DON'T CARE IF YOU'RE IN THE CLOSET,

OUT OF THE CLOSET, IN A DUNGEON,

DOWN A MINE SHAFT, ON A BROOMSTICK.

I DON'T CARE! JUST PLEASE, DO YOUR JOB.

WHO IS THIS WHINY BASTARD

ON THE FRONT PAGE OF THE BUSINESS SECTION?

DID YOU SEE HIM? OSCAR NOVAK.

HE IS A COMPLAINING, COMPLAINING, COMPLAINING MORON.

EVEN IF I WAS A MINCING, LIMP-WRISTED GAY,

I WOULDN'T TELL THE WHOLE CITY ABOUT IT.

WHAT ARE YOU--

AAH! [GROANS]

OH, MY GOD! THIS IS SO EXCITING.

TALK ABOUT GREAT PUBLICITY.

GOOD HAIR, TOO.

Michael Dees: * WELL, I THINK I'M GOIN' OUT OF MY HEAD *

Bill: PUSH UP, PUSH UP, PUSH UP, PUSH UP.

GOOD, GOOD.

* YES, I THINK I'M GOIN' OUT OF MY HEAD *

* OVER YOU *

* OVER YOU *

UHH! [GAGGING]

HE WAS DEFINITELY STRAIGHT BEFORE, RIGHT?

YEAH, WELL, HE AND PETER

DO SPEND A LOT OF TIME TOGETHER.

MR. NEWMAN.

* DON'T EVEN KNOW THAT I EXIST *

MM-MMM.

[GRUNTS]

DO WE HAVE ANY NEWCOMERS TODAY?

HI. I'M ZACK.

AND I'M...

GAY?

Man: HI, ZACK.

NO. I'M NOT...

* GOIN' OUT OF MY HEAD *

* OVER YOU *

* OUT OF MY HEAD *

* OVER YOU *

* OUT OF MY HEAD *

* DAY AND NIGHT *

* NIGHT AND DAY AND NIGHT *

WHAT?

AAH! OW! OW!

AH HA HA HA HA HA!

* INTO YOUR HEART *

* THERE'S NO REASON WHY *

* MY BEIN' SHY *

* SHOULD KEEP US APART *

* GOIN' OUT OF MY HEAD *

* OVER YOU *

* OUT OF MY HEAD *

* OVER YOU *

* OUT OF MY HEAD *

* DAY AND NIGHT *

* NIGHT AND DAY AND NIGHT *

* WRONG OR RIGHT *

* I WANT YOU *

* TO WANT ME *

* I NEED YOU SO BADLY *

* I CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING BUT YOU *

THOUGHT WE...

KINDA HAD A MOMENT THERE.

OH. OH, US.

NO, NO. NO, WE DIDN'T HAVE A MOMENT.

NO, I WAS THERE. NO MOMENT.

HA.

HEY, YOU WORK OUT, DON'T YOU?

EXCUSE ME?

WELL, YOU LOOK EVEN BETTER IN PERSON

THAN YOU DO IN THE PAPER.

YOU'RE IN GREAT SHAPE.

HEY, WELL, THANKS, THANKS.

* GOIN' OUT OF MY HEAD OVER YOU *

* OUT OF MY HEAD *

* OVER YOU *

* OUT OF MY HEAD *

* DAY AND NIGHT *

* NIGHT AND DAY AND NIGHT *

* WRONG OR RIGHT *

[RINGS BELL]

* WRONG OR RIGHT *

Announcer: CLARKSON BACK TO PASS...

AND HE HITS WILLHIDE UP THE MIDDLE.

HE BREAKS THE TACKLE, STUMBLES INTO THE 20...

YES!

YES! YES! YES!

FOR THE LAST TIME...

I'M NOT GAY.

NO.

WE KNOW.

YEAH, OK, BUT YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME.

NO, WE DO. WE DO.

YOU KNOW WHAT? THIS IS RIDICULOUS.

I'VE KNOWN YOU GUYS MY ENTIRE LIFE.

WHAT WOULD MAKE YOU THINK THAT I'M GAY NOW?

THE WALL TREATMENTS.

THE HORS D'OEUVRES.

YEAH, AND... ALL THE, UH...

GAY THINGS.

ALL RIGHT, WHAT IS THE PROBLEM WITH WALL TREATMENTS, OK?

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IT IS

TO DECIDE BETWEEN SPONGING, GLAZING, AND SPACKLING?

NEVER MIND.

NO, IT'S OK.

SOME PEOPLE MIGHT THINK YOU'RE A FREAK...

BUT NOT ME.

I PERSONALLY KNEW YOU WERE GAY ALL ALONG.

I'M JUST GLAD YOU FINALLY FIGURED IT OUT

FOR YOURSELF.

YOU REMEMBER WHEN WE WENT SKIING TOGETHER,

AND THEN WE WENT TO THE HOT TUB AFTERWARDS,

AND YOU SORT OF BRUSHED UP AGAINST ME, AND...

YOU DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING, YOU JUST SORT OF...

LOOKED AT ME KIND OF FUNNY?

WERE YOU TRYING TO HIT ON ME, MAN?

OK, YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU'RE RIGHT.

I'M GAY. I'VE ALWAYS BEEN GAY.

ALL THESE YEARS OF FRIENDSHIP AND FOOTBALL

AND ME CHASING AFTER GIRLS--A RUSE,

A CLEVER LITTLE TRICK JUST TO GET ALL OF YOU INTO BED.

THAT'S RIGHT. I WANT ALL OF YOU.

ZACK, WITH YOUR LILTING LITTLE LAUGH.

BILL, YOUR FARTS,

THEY'RE LIKE PERFUME TO ME.

AND, RICK...

YOU REALLY FIGURED ME OUT, MAN.

I WANT YOU MOST OF ALL.

OH, MY GOD.

OHH!

AAH! AAH!

MOM, YOU'RE NOT LISTENING.

I'M NOT GAY.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO LIE, SON.

I'M NOT LYING.

LOOK, I JUST HAVE TO PRETEND TO BE GAY FOR WORK.

I KNOW IT SOUNDS CRAZY.

NO, NO, YOU DID A BRAVE THING,

AND I THINK IT'S WONDERFUL.

DAD MUST BE GOING NUTS.

NO. NO, YOUR FATHER FEELS EXACTLY THE SAME WAY.

WELL, PUT HIM ON THE PHONE.

NO. NO, HE CAN'T COME TO THE PHONE

RIGHT NOW, SWEETHEART.

HE'S, UH, HE'S BUSY.

ALL THE MONEY I SPENT ON THAT KID!

I COULD KILL HIM!

I'M NEVER GONNA HAVE SEX AGAIN.

OH, COME ON, OSCAR. OF COURSE YOU WILL.

JUST MAYBE NOT WITH A WOMAN.

[TALKING AND LAUGHING]

HI! HI!

[GIGGLING]

HEY, HONEY! HI!

HI! MMM!

YOU WANT TO COME HANG OUT WITH US?

NO. YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE THE DAY I HAD.

LISTEN, UM, I MADE YOU SOMETHING.

OPEN IT UP.

OH, GOD.

I'M SO PROUD OF YOU.

OH, DON'T BE.

NO. IT WAS-- THAT WAS NOTHING.

NO, THAT'S NOT TRUE.

YOU'RE PROUD OF WHO YOU ARE. NOT EVERYONE'S LIKE THAT.

COME ON. HANG OUT WITH US.

OH, NO, NO. I'M NOT-- I DON'T WANT TO.

WE HAVE MARGARITAS.

EWW! GROSS!

THE BEST IS, "I'M NOT GONNA USE A LINE ON YOU, BABY."

UGH, THE ANTI-LINE LINE. I HATE THAT.

YEAH, THAT IS A STUPID ONE.

SO, IS IT THE SAME FOR YOU?

DO YOU GET THE SAME KIND OF COME-ONS AS US?

OH, UH, WELL, SOMETIMES.

LIKE THE OTHER DAY...

I WAS ON THE BUS AND THIS GUY COMES UP TO ME AND SAYS,

"DO YOU WORK OUT?"

EWW! UGH!

THE OLD WORKOUT LINE.

DOES ANYONE FALL FOR THAT?

YEAH.

SHUT UP!

AND THEN, YOU KNOW, HE'S STARING,

I MEAN, STARING AT MY BUTT.

SO I TURN AROUND, AND THEN, OF COURSE,

MY CROTCH IS RIGHT IN HIS FACE.

OH, PLEASE!

SO I TURN AROUND AGAIN AND THEN THERE'S BUTT.

SO IT'S KIND OF LIKE, BUTT, CROTCH, BUTT, CROTCH,

BUTT, BUTT, CROTCH, CROTCH!

AND I'M THINKING, "HEY, PAL, I'M A PERSON.

I'M NOT AN OBJECT."

ABSOLUTELY. YEAH.

I HAVE FEELINGS.

IT DOESN'T MATTER THAT THE GUY WAS RIGHT.

I HAPPEN TO HAVE A FINELY-TONED,

PICTURE-PERFECT, AWARD-WINNING ASS!

MWAH!

THERE'S MORE TO ME THAN THAT.

THAT'S RIGHT, OSCAR! NOT A PIECE OF MEAT!

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO SUBTLETY?

WHAT HAPPENED TO TAKING THE TIME

TO GET TO KNOW SOMEBODY FIRST?

YEAH! HA HA HA!

IF ALL MEN WERE GAY, IT WOULD BE ABSOLUTELY PERFECT.

HA HA HA!

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.

YOU'VE CHANGED MY WHOLE LIFE.

I WANT TO MAKE YOU HAPPY.

IT'S THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERS TO BE.

I'VE GOT SOMETHING TO TELL YOU, TOO.

I'M GOING TO GET MARRIED.

YOU KNOW, THERE'S THIS THING I'VE NOTICED.

IN THE MOVIES, WHENEVERE A GUY ASKS A GIRL OUT,

SHE ALWAYS SAYS, "I'D LIKE THAT."

I'VE NEVER HEARD ANYONE SAY THAT IN REAL LIFE EVER.

YOU KNOW WHAT THE MOST SPOKEN LINE IN MOVIES IS?

WHAT?

"LET'S GET OUT OF HERE."

HUH. IT MAKES SENSE.

IT WORKS FOR A LOT OF SITUATIONS.

"THEY'RE SHOOTING AT US. LET'S GET OUTTA HERE."

"ALIENS HAVE LANDED. LET'S GET OUTTA HERE."

"I WANT TO MAKE MAD, PASSIONATE LOVE TO YOU.

LET'S GET OUTTA HERE."

THOSE ARE ALL GOOD. ESPECIALLY THAT LAST ONE.

[SQUEAKS]

UM, WHAT WAS THAT?

I WAS YAWNING.

OK.

OK. YOU'RE TIRED. I'M GONNA LET YOU SLEEP.

NO, STAY?

SURE.

YEAH.

JUST TILL THE END OF THE MOVIE.

TV: WILL YOU MARRY ME?

WILL YOU?

DO YOU THINK WE'D BE HAPPY?

NO. BUT WHAT DOES IT MATTER?

[ORCHESTRA PLAYING TANGO MUSIC]

[LAUGHTER]

ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFULLY- LOCATED SEASON TICKETS,

AND I'VE LOVE YOU TO BE MY GUEST--

VERY EXCITED.

VERY, VERY EXCITED.

GREAT PARTY. THANKS.

VERY EXCITED TO SEE YOUR MODEL. VERY EXCITED.

WELL, WE JUST HOPE THAT YOU LIKE IT.

THERE REALLY ARE

SOME VERY NICE-LOOKING WOMEN HERE TONIGHT.

WHAT'S YOUR TYPE?

TYPE OF WHAT?

IT'S FUNNY. WHEN I FIRST MET YOU GUYS,

I THOUGHT YOU WERE SUPER-GAY AND OSCAR WAS STRAIGHT.

I WAS SUPER-GAY?

HE CLEARED IT UP FOR ME, THOUGH.

HE DID?

HE TOLD ME YOU'RE NOT, BUT HE IS, 100%.

HO HO HO! THAT OSKIE.

THAT ARTICLE MUST MAKE IT HARD FOR YOU TO MEET GIRLS.

I DO OK.

OH, THANKS, MOM, AND THANK YOU FOR COMING.

DAD, BAR'S RIGHT OVER THERE.

HI. HI.

SORRY. [GIGGLES]

OH, I AM SO EXCITED FOR YOU.

OH, THANKS. THANKS.

I'M SORRY I STOLE THE BLANKETS LAST NIGHT.

YOU STOLE THE BLANKETS.

YOU HOGGED THE COUCH. IT WASN'T PRETTY.

AT LEAST YOU GOT THE LEFT SIDE.

Female announcer: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

THE DECKER AND STRAUSS MODEL IS OPEN FOR VIEWING.

[GULPS]

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

THE STEINBERG AND NOVAK MODEL IS OPEN FOR VIEWING.

IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL.

MR. STEINBERG, THIS WAY, PLEASE.

RIGHT HERE, MR. NOVAK.

OK, GUYS... THAT'S ENOUGH.

George: SORRY TO INTERRUPT.

WE'RE WITH THE CHICAGO CHAPTER

OF THE NATIONAL ASSOCIATION

OF GAY AND LESBIAN PROFESSIONALS.

WE HAVE SELECTED YOU

AS CHICAGO'S "GAY MAN OF THE YEAR."

CONGRATULATIONS, OSCAR.

THE CEREMONY IS THIS FRIDAY.

WE'D LIKE YOU TO GIVE A SHORT SPEECH.

SOMETHING LIKE WHAT YOU SAID IN THE PAPER.

SO, WHAT DO YOU SAY? DO YOU ACCEPT?

OF COURSE HE ACCEPTS.

I HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING OR ANYONE TO DESERVE THIS.

CAN'T THINK OF ANYBODY WHO DESERVES IT MORE.

GREAT. WE'LL BE IN TOUCH.

CONGRATULATIONS AGAIN.

THIS IS GREAT. IT'S PERFECT.

FIRST OF ALL, I'VE ALREADY DECIDED

YOU TWO HAVE THE JOB.

OSCAR GIVES HIS SPEECH,

I CORNER THE PRESS AND TELL THEM RIGHT THERE

THAT MY SUPER-GAY MAN OF THE YEAR AND HIS PARTNER

HAVE BOTH WON. IT'S PERFECT.

THEN WE HAVE A PRESS CONFERENCE--

WOULD SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT AMY IS DOING

TALKING TO MY WIFE?

THAT'S YOUR WIFE?

LET'S GO.

HI!

DARLING.

HI.

WHAT A SURPRISE. WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

CONCERT GOT CANCELED.

YOU KNOW HOW TEMPERAMENTAL CELLISTS ARE,

AND I'VE ALWAYS HAD AN INTEREST IN THIS PROJECT,

SO HERE I AM.

DARLING, I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE

OSCAR NOVAK AND PETER STEINBERG.

CONGRATULATIONS.

YOUR DESIGN IS SUPERB.

WE WERE JUST DISCUSSING IT.

OH, I'M SORRY.

THIS IS MY GIRLFRIEND AMY,

AND, AMY, THIS IS MY BOSS CHARLES.

I'M SORRY. AREN'T YOU GAY?

EXCUSE ME?

DIDN'T I READ IN THE PAPER THAT YOU WERE GAY?

WELL, YES, I AM.

SOMETIMES. I--

OSCAR IS OMNISEXUAL.

HE SWINGS... EVERY WHICH WAY.

UH, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME.

SHOULDN'T, UH, YOU GO AFTER HER?

SAY SOMETHING.

THAT WASN'T SO BAD.

IT WASN'T?

NO. I KNEW IT MIGHT HAPPEN EVENTUALLY AND IT DID.

LOOK AT ME. I'M STILL STANDING.

GOOD. YEAH.

I THINK YOU'RE HANDLING THIS LIKE A REAL CHAMP.

UH-HUH.

WHERE ARE WE GOING?

TO GET REALLY... REALLY DRUNK.

OK.

* ONE LAST SLOW BLUES *

* TO CLOSE THE SHOW *

* I WATCHED YOU DANCE WITH HER... *

THING IS, SHE SEEMED SO NICE, YOU KNOW?

SO PLEASANT AND CHARMING.

DIDN'T YOU THINK SHE WAS CHARMING?

I--I DIDN'T--

MAYBE SHE DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE THAT ANYTHING WAS WEIRD.

MAYBE SHE DIDN'T NOTICE THAT--

CHARLES DID A GOOD JOB COVERING, RIGHT?

YEAH. YEAH.

RIGHT. SO IT'S PROBABLY FINE.

I'LL JUST PRETEND IT NEVER HAPPENED.

YEAH.

IT'S OK.

I FEEL MUCH BETTER NOW.

LET'S DANCE.

OH, UM, WE SHOULDN'T--

I'M NOT-- COME ON.

OOH, WE'RE GONNA DANCE.

* COULDN'T YOU WAIT TILL THOSE HEALING HANDS OF TIME *

* SQUEEZED THE PAIN, THE PAIN *

* FROM MY HEART *

OSCAR...

HAVE YOU EVER KISSED A WOMAN BEFORE?

* COULDN'T YOU WAIT TILL *

* MY BRUISED AND BATTERED HEART *

* TILL IT AIN'T *

* TILL IT AIN'T TORN APART *

PERFECT. THAT IS JUST PERFECT.

THAT WOULD BE JUST LIKE ME TO GO AND FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU.

I HAVE TRIED EVERY KIND OF UNAVAILABLE MAN.

A GAY GUY WOULD REALLY ROUND OUT MY COLLECTION.

MAN, WHAT WAS I DOING? I'M LOSING MY MIND.

YOU'RE NOT.

YOU HAVE BEEN SO GOOD TO ME AND WHAT DO I DO?

I TRY TO KISS YOU!

I AM SO SORRY.

DON'T BE SORRY.

IT'S JUST THAT SOMETIMES YOU AND I SEEM SO...

I DON'T KNOW.

MAN, I'M SUCH A FUCKING MESS

YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M JUST BEING DRAMATIC.

I'M TIRED. I'M GOING TO BE FINE.

LET'S GO.

YEAH, WELL, YOU CERTAINLY LOOK FINE.

LISTEN, AMY, I BOUGHT THIS TOUGH GIRL ROUTINE

FOR ABOUT 5 SECONDS.

WHAT?

LOOK AT YOU. THIS IS KILLING YOU.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH HIM?

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? IT WORKS!

IT WORKS.

YEAH, IT WORKS.

WHERE IS THIS GOING?

AT LEAST HE'S STRAIGHT, FOR CHRISSAKES!

OH, THAT'S--THAT'S REALLY GREAT.

I GET WHAT I NEED FROM HIM.

YEAH? WELL, SO DOES HIS WIFE.

OH.

GIVE ME ONE GOOD REASON YOU'RE WITH HIM.

JUST ONE GOOD REASON.

OK. IN A YEAR AND A HALF, WE HAVEN'T HAD A SINGLE FIGHT.

HE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT YOU ENOUGH TO FIGHT WITH YOU.

GOD, I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M GETTING GRILLED BY YOU OF ALL PEOPLE.

YOU HAVEN'T HAD A DATE SINCE I MET YOU.

YOU DON'T KNOW A SINGLE THING ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS.

YOU JUST SIT AROUND WITH ME AND PLAY IT SAFE!

YEAH? WELL, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU,

BUT I'M GETTING A LITTLE BIT TIRED OF PLAYING IT SAFE.

SO WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?

YOU KNOW, WHAT I HAVE WITH CHARLES MAY NOT BE PERFECT,

BUT WHAT I HAVE WITH YOU IS WHAT?

WHAT?

[CLUNK]

[VOMITING]

[BARKING]

MR. NOVAK--SIR?

SHE HASN'T COME HOME, SHE HASN'T CALLED, SO...

I WAS JUST THINKING MAYBE YOU KNOW WHERE SHE IS.

DO YOU KNOW WHERE SHE IS?

I'M VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU, OSCAR.

EXCUSE ME?

YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WATCH OUT FOR HER.

YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PROTECT HER.

HEY, LOOK, I TRIED. I WENT AFTER HER.

I TRIED TALKING TO HER, BUT SHE WAS REALLY UPSET.

SHE HAS BEEN GONE FOR 2 DAYS.

SHE COULD BE ANYWHERE.

HOW COULD YOU LET THIS HAPPEN?

HOW COULD YOU LET HER GET HURT?

THAT'S A VERY GOOD QUESTION.

YOU MIGHT WANT TO TRY THAT ON YOURSELF.

BECAUSE I KNOW YOU WOULD NEVER TAKE THAT TONE

WITH A PERSON WHO JUST GRANTED YOU

A $90-MILLION JOB.

I'M GOING TO PRETEND YOU DIDN'T SAY THAT TO ME.

I HOPE I DON'T HAVE TO EMBARRASS YOU, OSCAR,

BY REMINDING YOU THAT NO FRIENDSHIP CAN COMPARE

TO WHAT AMY AND I HAVE.

DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR?

YES.

PERFECTLY.

THANK YOU.

[APPLAUSE]

Sandy: WE'D LIKE TO GET THIS CEREMONY STARTED

BY SAYING A FEW WORDS ABOUT OUR ORGANIZATION.

THIS IS OUR NINTH YEAR,

AND WE'VE COME A LONG WAY IN RECOGNIZING...

OSKIE!

ARE YOU OK? READY TO GO?

YEAH. FINE. GOT MY SPEECH ALL WRITTEN ON CARDS.

YOU SURE DO.

I THINK I CAN HANDLE THIS.

IT'S JUST--JUST A BUNCH OF PEOPLE, RIGHT?

GIVING YOU AN AWARD.

HOW COULD THAT BE BAD?

EXACTLY.

PLUS, ONCE THIS IS DONE, WE CAN START ON THE PROJECT.

YOU'RE RIGHT. YOU'RE RIGHT.

AND I HAVE TO SAY, OSKIE,

I AM SO PROUD YOU'VE EVOLVED THIS MATURE ATTITUDE

THAT YOU'VE EVOLVED--

THANK YOU.

BECAUSE, UH, I FIGURE IF I CAN'T HAVE AMY, THEN...

IT WON'T BE SO BAD. I CAN PRETEND TO BE GAY FOR A WHILE.

I MEAN...YOU LIKE BEING GAY, RIGHT?

WORKS VERY WELL FOR ME.

IT WON'T BE SO BAD. I CAN SNEAK OFF TO STRAIGHT BARS,

HAVE ANONYMOUS SEX WITH STRAIGHT WOMEN.

THAT'S WHY GIVING THIS SPEECH IS FINE.

IT IS MORE THAN FINE. IT IS VERY...FINE.

OSCAR...

OSCAR, ABOUT AMY...

YOU KNOW THERE ARE OTHER FISH IN THE SEA.

I USED--USED TO THINK THAT.

BUT WHAT IF YOU FIND THE FISH?

YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU'RE RIGHT.

PLENTY OF FISH. YOU'RE PROBABLY RIGHT.

YES. I'M RIGHT. PROBABLY.

I THINK SO.

Sandy: IT GIVES US GREAT PLEASURE

TO INTRODUCE OUR GAY PROFESSIONAL...

I GOTTA GO.

KICK SOME ASS, YOU HEAR ME?

SAY IT WITH ME.

KICK SOME ASS. KICK SOME ASS.

OK. KICK SOME ASS.

KICK SOME ASS.

[APPLAUSE]

THANK--THANK YOU.

THANK YOU FOR INVITING ME HERE THIS EVENING.

THESE LAST FEW WEEKS HAVE BEEN VERY EXCITING.

[CLEARS THROAT]

PETER AND I HAD THE OPPORTUNITY TO WORK ON A PROJECT

THAT HAS BECOME A DREAM COME TRUE.

UM, THIS AWARD IS AN HONOR.

AN HONOR WHICH I ACCEPT WITH--

YOU KNOW, AWARDS ARE A FUNNY THING.

I WON AN AWARD ONCE.

I WAS IN SUMMER CAMP. I WAS 7.

IT WAS A BUMPERPOOL TOURNAMENT, AND I WON,

BUT IT WAS KIND OF AN EMPTY VICTORY,

BECAUSE I CHEATED.

WHEN NOBODY WAS LOOKING,

I JUST SHOVED ALL THE BALLS INTO THE POCKETS.

AND THE FUNNY THING IS

I FELT GUILTY ABOUT THAT MY WHOLE LIFE.

WHAT'S THIS?

I GUESS WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY

IS THAT A LOT OF YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE IN THE CLOSET,

SO YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO HAVE A SECRET.

CONSTANTLY WORRYING ABOUT SLIPPING UP.

HAVING TO HIDE YOUR FEELINGS FROM THE PEOPLE

THAT ARE SUPPOSED TO MEAN THE MOST TO YOU.

WHAT I ADMIRE ABOUT ALL THE PEOPLE HERE TONIGHT

IS THAT YOU'RE NOT AFRAID TO BE HONEST ABOUT WHO YOU ARE.

YOU'RE STRONG ENOUGH TO STAND UP FOR THE SIMPLE DIGNITY

OF TELLING THE PEOPLE THAT YOU LOVE...

HOW YOU FEEL.

NOW, I--I KNOW A LITTLE BIT ABOUT THIS...

BECAUSE FOR THE LAST 3 WEEKS...

I'VE HAD A SECRET.

AND I THINK IT'S TIME FOR ME TO COME OUT OF THE CLOSET.

I'M NOT GAY.

[CROWD MURMURING]

AMY, I LOVE YOU.

I HAVEN'T BEEN HONEST WITH YOU.

BUT I LOVE YOU.

I'VE NEVER FELT THAT WAY ABOUT ANYONE.

AND I KNOW THAT... JUST BY TELLING YOU THIS,

I MIGHT HAVE LOST ANY CHANCE I EVER HAD

TO BE WITH YOU,

BUT I BELIEVE YOU DESERVE...

THAT EVERYBODY HERE DESERVES...

THAT KIND OF HONESTY.

THANK YOU.

DON'T WORRY. I'M VERY PROUD OF YOU.

YOU BIG DRAMA QUEEN. GO GET HER.

OSCAR, GET YOUR ASS BACK HERE.

A MELEE ENSUED TODAY AT THE GAY AND LESBIAN ASSOCIATION'S

ANNUAL AWARDS CEREMONY AS THE GAY MAN OF THE YEAR

DECLARED HIS LOVE FOR...A WOMAN.

AMY!

GET BACK HERE! AMY!

I THINK OSCAR AND AMY NEED TO TALK, DON'T YOU?

Reporter: ONLOOKERS WERE AMAZED AS THE ERSTWHILE

GAY MAN OF THE YEAR, OSCAR NOVAK,

LEPT FROM THE STAGE AND PURSUED THE WOMAN INTO THE LOBBY

WHERE CROWDS GATHERED AWAITING HER RESPONSE.

CAN WE PLEASE JUST TALK ABOUT THIS?

OOH! HELLO!

AND IT WASN'T PRETTY.

Amy: YOU PROMISED ME YOU WOULD NEVER LIE TO ME.

WE HAD A DEAL.

GET OUT OF MY WAY, YOU BIG FREAK.

DON'T MAKE ME MAKE YOU MY PRISON BITCH.

THE INCIDENT REACHED A FEVER PITCH...

GREAT PUNCH, BABY. NOW LET'S GO.

AS CHARLES NEWMAN, THE RENOWNED INTERNATIONAL BUSINESSMAN

INCURRED THE WRATH OF THE SAME UNIDENTIFIED WOMAN.

BEFORE POLICE COULD ARRIVE ON THE SCENE,

THE ENRAGED, YET FASHIONABLY- ATTIRED YOUNG WOMAN ESCAPED.

WOW. HOW ABOUT THAT?

Reporter: ...GAY MAN OF THE YEAR IS NOT GAY.

OSCAR, ARE YOU OK?

YOU'RE FIRED.

YOU'LL NEVER WORK FOR ME NOR FOR ANYONE I KNOW.

WHICH IS EVERYONE.

I DON'T CARE.

AND YOU KNOW WHY?

BECAUSE I DON'T LIKE YOU.

FOUND HIM AND HOUSEBROKE HIM.

EXCUSE ME.

THAT WAS A BRAVE THING YOUR PARTNER DID.

UH, YES.

I HAVE TO SAY I'M VERY PROUD OF THE LITTLE GUY.

I DON'T BELIEVE WE'VE OFFICIALLY MET.

I'M KEVIN CARTWRIGHT.

YES, I KNOW.

I'VE HEARD ALL ABOUT YOU.

OH, REALLY? LIKE WHAT?

OH, NOTHING SPECIFIC REALLY.

WELL, IT'S ALL TRUE.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO GET A DRINK OR SOMETHING?

I'D LOVE TO.

[HUMMING BONANZA THEME]

Duncan Sheik: * THAT SAYS IT ALL *

* DOESN'T IT? *

* WE ALWAYS WANT *

* WHAT WE NEVER GET *

* WELL, LISTEN HERE, MY FRIEND *

* I CAN'T CONTINUE TO PRETEND *

* THAT IT'S ALL RIGHT *

* 'CAUSE THAT AIN'T RIGHT *

Amy: DON'T DO IT.

YES, BUT I... DESERVE TO DIE.

NOT YET.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I THOUGHT I'D FIND YOU HERE.

REALLY? OH, MY GOD, AMY, I'M SO--

WOULD YOU SHUT UP?

OK.

I JUST HAVE A FEW THINGS I WANT TO GET STRAIGHT.

IT'S JUST-- ME, TOO.

I'M GOING TO BE QUIET NOW.

SO...YOU LIED TO ME TO PROTECT YOUR JOB.

YOU VIOLATED MY TRUST AND FRIENDSHIP.

YOU TRICKED ME INTO TELLING YOU INTIMATE THINGS

WHICH I NEVER WOULD HAVE TOLD YOU.

I JUST WANT TO KNOW. ARE YOU PROUD OF YOURSELF?

GO AHEAD.

NO.

WAS IT REALLY WORTH IT?

I JUST HAVE ONE THING LEFT TO SAY TO YOU.

I GET THE LEFT SIDE OF THE BED.

WELL, YOU KNOW, WE'LL HAVE TO SEE ABOUT THAT.

HEY. YEAH.

LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.

YEAH, I'D LIKE THAT.

[LAUGHS]

SO I TAKE IT YOU HAVE KISSED A WOMAN BEFORE?

NOT THE RIGHT ONE.

Reporter: OVERALL...

AN EVENING OF SHOCK AND AMAZEMENT FOR EVERYONE

AS THE GAY MAN OF THE YEAR ANNOUNCED...

I'M NOT GAY.

CHARLES.

ISN'T IT GOING TO BE AWFULLY AWKWARD

WORKING WITH OSCAR AFTER THAT FIASCO?

ACTUALLY, I WENT WITH THE OTHER FIRM.

DON'T TELL ME YOU'RE GOING TO DEPRIVE THEM OF A JOB

JUST BECAUSE HE'S IN LOVE WITH YOUR MISTRESS.

OH, YOU'RE HURT.

I REALIZE THIS GIRL WAS SPECIAL.

OLIVIA, I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

I SIMPLY WENT WITH THE OTHER FIRM.

CHARLES, OSCAR AND PETER DID A BETTER JOB.

THEY WILL BUILD THE CULTURAL CENTER.

OLIVIA-- ENOUGH!

THE DECISION'S BEEN MADE.

NOW, WHY DON'T YOU GO PUT ON

THOSE RED BIKINI BRIEFS THAT I GAVE YOU?

I LOVE THE WAY YOUR BUTT LOOKS IN THEM.

OLIVIA, I REALLY DON'T WANT TO.

CHARLES, WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I'M UNHAPPY?

WHAT HAPPENS?

FINE.

BUT NOT THE RED ONES.

THEY BIND.

[SWING MUSIC PLAYING]

* I WANNA SWING *

* WITH THAT PUSSYCAT *

* I WANNA DANCE *

* WITH THAT PUSSYCAT *

* I WANNA SLIDE *

* WITH THAT PUSSYCAT *

* I WANNA JUMP *

* WITH THAT PUSSYCAT *

* I WANNA SWING *

* OH, KITTY, KITTY, PLEASE COME HERE *

* DON'T HISS AND MOAN WHEN I COME NEAR *

* DON'T BITE MY NECK, DON'T SCRATCH MY EYES *

* I'LL TAKE AWAY THOSE DOLL EYES *

* A MAN'S A MAN, A RAT'S A RAT *

* SO SWING, SWEET PUSSYCAT *

* SWING, SWING, SWEET PUSSYCAT *

* SWING, SWING, SWEET PUSSYCAT *

* SWING, SWING, SWEET PUSSYCAT *

* SWING, SWING, SWEET PUSSYCAT *

* SWING, SWING, SWEET PUSSYCAT *

* SWING, SWING, SWING, SWING *

* SWING *

* SWING, SWEET PUSSYCAT *

* SWING, SWING, SWEET PUSSYCAT *

* SWING, SWING, SWEET PUSSYCAT *

* SWING, SWING, SWEET PUSSYCAT *

* SWING, SWING, SWEET PUSSYCAT *

* SWING! *

* MEOW *

* ALL NIGHT LONG *

Duncan Sheik: * HIT THE TOWN STILL DRESSING DOWN *

* LOOKING FOR SOME ACTION *

* MR. JAGGER SAID IT BEST *

* HE KNOWS YOU'LL NEVER GET *

* NO SATISFACTION *

* THAT SAYS IT ALL *

* DOESN'T IT? *

* WE ALWAYS WANT *

* WHAT WE NEVER GET *

* WELL, LISTEN HERE, MY FRIEND *

* I CAN'T CONTINUE TO PRETEND *

* THAT IT'S ALL RIGHT *

* THAT AIN'T RIGHT *

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY WARNER BROS.

CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE --www.ncicap.org--