Original subtitles

* Every time that you go by

* Boy, you smile at me, and you take my breath away *

* Every time I catch your eye *

* I can see that you've got a whole lot more to say *

* So don't be shy 'cause I'm waiting here *

* Hoping you'll open your heart *

* The more I wait, and more I find *

* I can't get you off my mind *

* Whatever the season, whatever I'm going through *

* I'm always thinkin' of you *

* 'Cause you are the reason for all that I say and do *

* You've got to believe that it's true *

* Hey, baby

* In big ways and small ways

* I'm always thinkin' of you

* How you do it I don't know

* I keep having dreams

* And you're all I'm dreamin' of *

* Every day my feelings grow

* I keep thinking, baby

* That maybe this is love

* I was alone, but now that you're here *

* I'm finally feeling alive

* The more I feel, the more I find *

* I can't get you off my mind *

* Whatever the season

* Whatever I'm goin' through

* I'm always thinkin' of you

* 'Cause you are the reason for all that I say and do *

* You've got to believe that it's true *

* Hey, baby

* In big ways and small ways

* I'm always thinking of you

* From the time I wake up

* Till I fall into bed

* I've got pictures of you

* Runnin' straight through my head *

* I think it's clear as A B C *

* That's the way love's 'sposed to be *

* The more I feel, the more I find *

* I can't get you off my mind *

* Whatever the season

* Whatever I'm goin' through

* I'm always thinkin' of you

[fading] * 'Cause you are the reason

* For all that I say and do

* You've got to believe that it's true *

* Hey, baby, hey, baby

* In big ways and small ways

* I'm always thinking of you

Sylvia: Mary, honey, come and eat breakfast!

Jack: * Pom-pom

* M-m-mama-a-popala

* M-m-mama-a-popala, mama-a-popala *

* Huh-hum, mama, huh-hum, mama *

* Ha-ha, m-mama Oh, look at you.

Just the person I've been waiting for.

- Good morning, buttercup. - Good morning, Jack.

Will you please help me pick a tie for today's interview?

How's this one grab you?

No? Too traditional? Absolutely right.

How 'bout this one?

Too avant garde. I knew that.

How about-- No, I hate that one.

- How about this one? - I like that one.

Yeah? Then this is the one.

What would I do without you?

Did you see my red shoe?

Your red shoe? No, I don't think I have.

But wait a minute.

If I were a red shoe, where would I hide?

I know. Right over here. Ha ha! No.

Uh, here? No.

Uh, what about back here?

Nope. Whoo!

Mary, honey, your breakfast is ready!

[hissing]

[Mary humming]

Are you going to the "inner"?

The interview? Of course I am.

I'm gonna meet your teachers,

tell 'em what a great kid you are

and that they have to take you.

What should I wear?

Let's pick something out.

Oh, thanks. I needed that.

- There you go. - Mary.

Go eat your breakfast. Hurry up.

Did you get that review I put on your desk?

Yes, I got it, thank you.

I loved seeing that guy eat crow

after what he said about you in Doll's House.

Don't you take my reviews a little too personally?

No, I don't think so.

Every time we're in a restaurant

and you see a critic,

you want to throw your butter knife at him.

I would've got the last guy if he hadn't moved.

Oh, you missed a spot.

Hello, lovely ladies.

Hello. Here's your breakfast, Michael.

Thanks. Toast is done.

[gasp] Damn!

Jerry, I know what I'm talking about.

I realize you're trying to save money,

but we are building an office for 12,000 people.

You can't put a bathroom on every other floor.

What if they don't go before they come to work?

Fine, okay.

I'll hold. Morning, everyone.

- Morning, Pete. - Morning.

Can you believe how people try to save money?

Is that Jerry again?

Yeah, the Albert Schweitzer of real estate.

Oh, no!

Oh, no, look.

My foot must have grown last night.

That's my shoe, silly.

Thank God. I thought it was me.

Mary, don't you like your oatmeal?

It tastes like rubber.

It's supposed to taste like rubber.

- What a crock. - Hey, hey, hey.

Where did you hear that expression?

What a crock!

What? What'd I do?

Just...

Finish getting dressed, honey.

I'll fix you something else.

Jack: Now scoot.

Oh. Did I say overnight?

I meant over light.

You don't like my eggs?

You kidding me? I love your eggs.

That's the best part about you.

They're perfect, just like you are.

Look. Hey. You did your hair.

Oh, someone noticed.

Are we ready for the interview?

- Absolutely. - Definitely.

Yes, we are ready.

What about your commercial shoot?

They gave me an hour off.

Jack, this is the school we want Mary to go to.

I know. I've been here during the five years

it took us to decide on this place, remember?

They put less research into the SALT treaty.

Primary school is the first--

First watershed event of a child's life.

Have I said that before?

Not in the last five minutes, Pete.

Hey, I'll be there.

Just don't be late.

Have I ever let you down before?

Sylvia: Now, Mary, while we're talking with the ladies,

you'll be in a class with other boys and girls.

Okay.

Relax.

This isn't going to hurt.

You know, I think we'd better start.

I think it's getting late. Yes, it is.

So you're the architect?

That's right.

And you are the cartoonist?

Actually, I'm a satirist.

Michael draws Johnny Cool.

Oh, that cute kitten.

Well, he's really not a kitten.

He's a cat who symbolizes the angst

of the single man in our times.

I just adore that little hat he wears.

And Mr. Holden is...

The actor.

But very stable.

Salt of the earth.

Not one of these fellas that's--

Michael, I think they know

that actors are normal people.

Good afternoon!

Oh, my God!

Oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to frighten you.

Please forgive the makeup.

I'm in the middle of a commercial shoot

for Fairlawn Margarine. I play Count Cholesterol.

Probably seen me on TV, huh?

How do you do?

Hmm. How do you do?

Rrr. Ha ha ha.

I had a hell of a time catching a cab.

What? Oh!

Thank you.

Ooh.

Lookit.

Mary's drawn a picture of her family.

Isn't that wonderful? That's wonderful, Mary.

Is that you?

Yeah? Is that your mommy?

Yes.

And who's that?

That's my biological daddy.

Oh. Who's that?

That's my one honorary daddy,

and that's my other honorary daddy.

We all live together.

Okay.

[bell rings]

Everybody put the tops back on your markers

and take your drawings up to the front.

You have three daddies? That's weird.

How come?

Julie has two daddies,

but not at the same time.

Why not?

You can't have more than one father

at a time living with you.

That's the law.

What's the role of other women in the home?

None whatsoever.

Can't say I even remember

seeing any in the house. You, Michael?

Strictly professional, right down the line.

Oh, then you're gay.

- What? - Is she kidding me?

Are we gay? No!

Pete, how many women you been out with this month?

That's hard to say.

I need a calculator to count the number of women--

We have a strict rule:

there are to be no overnight guests

while Mary's in the house.

Well, you realize

this is a most unique family environment.

As a school psychologist, I must say here,

and I've told the committee this

in no uncertain terms

that I was most impressed by Mary.

I found her to be a thoroughly delightful and happy child.

- Yes, she is. - Thank you.

Having said that, however,

I must warn you that she's coming to an age

when differences, even slight ones,

can threaten her sense of fitting in.

The littlest things:

a parent's accent, how they dress,

what they look like.

And while we think of ourselves as progressive

here at the Morgan School,

I'd be less than candid

if I said that three men

without any legal responsibility

didn't concern me a great deal.

We have responsibilities.

I know what you're trying to say, Mrs. Heard,

and I feel I should be the one to respond to that.

I know some of the children in this school,

and I know their parents.

Family life is not easy.

But of all the fathers, the stepfathers,

the half-fathers that I've known,

no three men support and love a child

like these men love Mary.

There is nothing they wouldn't do for her.

I can only hope that when it comes to fathers,

the children in this school are as lucky as Mary is.

Ha! Ha!

Yeah, you're in. Congratulations.

Ha ha! Look at you.

What's the matter?

Stuff.

What kind of stuff?

I don't know. I feel different.

Says who?

People.

Oh.

Well, who cares what people think?

People think that I'm different.

You are.

Yeah, well, so, see?

That's good.

Listen, let me tell you something here.

It's okay to be different.

You don't have to be like everybody else.

Okay?

Okay.

Okay. Now, unfortunately,

your daddy has to go off and be famous.

But you, ha-ha.

Ho-ho!

But you-- you are mine forever.

Ha ha ha ha! Boola!

Anything you want, Mare. Money's no object.

The hamburgers look great!

What can I get for you?

Do you have a penis?

Can we hear your specials, please?

This table is a little wobbly here.

Uh, give us a minute, please.

Mary, that's a very adult word.

Where did you hear it?

Jenny said her father

and her brother have a penis.

What is it?

Peter, you're the architect.

Why don't you explain it to her?

The penis is

the urinary and the copulatory organ

of the male mammal. It's composed primarily--

Thank you.

What?

Did you memorize that?

I bet he says that to all the girls.

Mary and I are going to wash our hands.

I can't believe she said that.

I know. I didn't know about sex till I was in college.

I'm stunned.

I was exaggerating, Peter.

I'm talking about Mary, Michael.

She's not a baby anymore. Don't you see?

That one word was like a trumpet

announcing her adulthood in deafening volume.

First comes penis, then comes--

Pete, could you say it louder?

I don't think the chef heard you.

It's like the psychologist said.

She's susceptible

to the outside world now: boys, sex.

- You're overreacting. - I'm overreacting, huh?

Yeah, what's a genital here and there?

Shh. Look, be quiet. They're coming.

Pbblllt! Ppbbllt!

[laughing]

- Pbbllt! - Stop, Peter, stop!

I can't! My God! My lips are stuck!

- It tickles! - I can't get 'em unstuck.

I'll never get off! Pbbllt!

Hey, what are you doing?

His lips are stuck to my stomach!

Oh!

Whoa! Whoa!

Boy, that was a close one!

Good night! I gotta go.

Good night.

You two are crazy!

It's time for you to go to bed, little lady.

- Have sweet dreams. - Okay.

Okay.

Hi, Stan. How you doing?

Good evening, Miss Bennington.

Hello, gorgeous.

Hello, darling.

Look what Mary made for you.

What a talent.

Look, love, I need to talk to you.

What? I did something wrong last night, didn't I?

I know. I missed a cue at the end of the first act?

Sylvia, relax.

You were your brilliant self.

I have been asked to direct Midsummer Night's Dream

at The National in the autumn.

Really?

Oh, congratulations.

And I want you to play Helena.

Me?

Yes, you. You'll be sensational.

Will you do it?

I'd love to do it.

But?

Mary's starting school here.

Take her with you.

We do have schools in England, remember?

Her family is here.

Your roommates, you mean?

They're more than roommates.

Look, I realize that.

It's a wonderful offer,

but it's a crucial time for Mary.

It's, uh, it's not because of our relationship, is it?

No, not at all.

Because my asking you is purely professional.

You know that I never let my emotions

interfere with my professional decisions.

Except, of course, when I'm horny.

- [chuckling] - Hmm.

Look, I won't pretend that I don't adore you

or that I wouldn't give anything

if you'd finally agree to marry me.

I know. But I have to consider Mary's needs.

And what about your needs?

I'll think about it.

[door closes]

There you go.

What's this button?

Don't touch that.

That's the delete button.

How do I get it to move?

Move the cursor down. Try it.

[beep]

- I did it. - Good. See?

That was easy, wasn't it?

[humming]

What about Mary's new shoes?

Got 'em yesterday.

Mary has a dentist appointment Friday morning.

I've got my cooking class.

- Jack, can you cover it? - Yeah. Consider it done.

Who's coming to the airport to pick up my mother?

Your mom? Oh, damn!

I have that kidney operation this afternoon.

What about you, Pete?

Michael, I'll give you $1,000 if you'll do it.

I would if I could, but I can't.

I've got a meeting with my, um, publisher.

I thought you had a date with Laurie tonight.

No, that's tomorrow night.

You know something? I like Laurie.

So do I.

Been a while, huh, Michael?

She's been in L.A.

How's it going with you two?

That's what we're gonna talk about.

Time to fish or cut bait, huh?

That's really romantic, Peter.

"Time to fish or cut bait, darling."

You'd be surprised how practical

women are about these things.

No matter what they say,

a woman wants to be swept off her feet.

Kind of like I swept you off your feet, huh?

Knocked me off my feet is more like it.

I think women want security.

You know what I want?

I want a man to make a fool of himself over me.

I'd make a fool of myself over you any day, honey.

Mm-mm-mm.

Anyway, Michael, you're not breaking up with Laurie, are you?

No. We just have to shake our relationship up.

Nothing shakes up a relationship like marriage.

Marriage? Who said anything about marriage?

Hey, I don't know if I like this attitude around Mary.

How come none of you are married?

- Oh, um... - Oh, um...

I'd like to get back to that question about the penis.

We never did cover that.

Come along, darling,

before you're permanently warped.

...announces the arrival of Flight 103 from London.

Thank you for coming with me.

- I can always count on you. - Sure.

- Darling! - Ah, Mother!

It's wonderful to see you.

Welcome, Mrs. Bennington.

- Michael. - Peter.

Oh, yes.

Jack really wanted to come, but he was busy.

Spreading his seed, no doubt.

How is Mary?

Oh, you won't believe how much she's grown.

- Really? - Oh, she's so...

Michael.

Michael. Bag.

What? No furniture?

- Oh, thank you, Michael. - Peter.

Oh, look. It's the biological one.

Mom.

Why, when you say it,

does that sound such a frightening word?

Great to see you.

You're looking so-- so close.

Gosh, I hope you can stay for a while.

Mother's staying at The Plaza.

Yes, it's just a stopover.

I'm leaving the day after tomorrow.

Oh, gee, so soon?

Come along, Mother.

I've made your favorite biscuits.

Oh, good shot, Mom.

Don't you think you can stay longer, Vera?

I tried to change her mind.

[shivering] Did someone leave a window open in here? Brr!

Right. In you get, darling.

Lie down. That's it.

Oh, lovely.

Now, tomorrow, we can do anything you want to.

Can we toss a Frisbee?

Well, we'll discuss that in the morning.

Now, would you like me to sing you a lullaby?

I want a rap song.

Oh.

Kick it!

Tss, tss, tss, tss, tss-- huh!

[imitating boom box beat]

* Uh, introducing Mike, Peter, and Jack *

* We're your rhymin' three dads doing the Mary rap *

* You're just a little lady, and you need your sleep *

* Don't want to hear no jive talkin' about something to eat *

* Break down

* Lights out

* Here we go

* We were partying-down, lady, dancing 'til dawn *

* Till your food-spittin' toilet-trainin' changed our song *

* Now we're situated bachelors and fathers-in-waitin' *

* We'd rather hang with you than the one he's been dating *

* Say, Mary, did you wash your face? *

Brrr, yo!

* Say, Mary, did you brush your teeth? *

Yo!

- * Now, Mike be nimble - * Peter be quick

* Jack bust a rhyme and make it slick *

* And to little lady Mary we say please *

* Just close your eyes and cop some Z's *

[hooting]

* Just close them eyes and cop some Z's *

* Wink-a-wink-a-wink a-wink a-wink-a-wink-a-wink-a-wink *

* Just close them eyes and cop some Z's *

[hooting]

* Just close them eyes and cop some Z's *

[hooting]

I need a drink.

Yeah.

Have you seen Jack?

I think he went out with Cassie.

Damn. He promised he'd rehearse this scene with me.

I've got to do it in class tomorrow.

You know Jack. He probably forgot.

Yeah.

Sylvia, wait a minute.

I'll do it with you.

You?

Yeah. Sure, why not?

I rehearsed a couple of times with Jack.

I was a terrific Lady Macbeth.

What's the play?

Rainmaker.

Well, where do you want me?

All right. Stand here.

Okay.

You're sure?

Yeah, this is great.

Then here.

All right.

Ah, I'm Starbuck?

Unless you want to play Lizzie.

No. Starbuck will be fine.

Peter, you should know

Starbuck is a very dynamic, very passionate,

very charismatic man.

Right.

- You ready? - Ready.

Okay.

"Let me ask you, Lizzie, are you pretty?"

What's the matter?

Nothing, nothing. You--

Just be natural. You're being a little too large.

Okay. Natural. I can do that.

Natural.

Ahem.

"Let me ask you, Lizzie, are you pretty?"

No, I'm plain.

"You don't know you're a woman?"

I am a woman. A plain one.

"Every woman is pretty."

Not me.

"Now, close your eyes, Lizzie.

"Close 'em.

Now say 'I'm pretty'."

I can't.

"Say it.

Say it, Lizzie.

I'm pretty!

What'd you do that for?

It's...

in the script.

Well, no. Actually it says, "He kisses her."

Right.

Do you want to try it again?

Okay.

- You ready? - Ready.

Close your eyes.

Say "I'm pretty."

I can't.

Say it, Lizzie.

I'm pretty.

Uh...

Jack should be doing this.

He's the actor. I was terrible.

You were doing so well!

I was totally unbelievable.

I thought you were very believable.

Oh, my God.

I thought this was against the rules.

No one's home.

Except Mary.

And she's sound asleep.

Look, Laurie,

I've been thinking about us a lot lately.

- Have you? - Yeah.

I think that it's...

time for us to...

to fish or cut bait.

All my life, I've dreamt of a man saying that to me.

I'm sorry.

I don't know where that came from.

Aah! There's snakes in my bed!

Ah, Mare! What are you--

You remember my friend Laurie.

Hi. It's nice to see you again.

Yeah, we were just, uh, making, uh, uh...

What were you saying?

Snakes!

Snakes, aha.

There are no snakes in your bed.

Maybe they were rats.

No rats, either. I'll be back.

Bye.

Now, you're looking very tired.

I'm not tired.

You're looking very sleepy.

I'm not sleepy.

You need a rest.

Is everything all right?

Why do you ask?

You seem tense.

I don't know.

Sometimes I feel like my life is one long improvisation.

I don't have time to think, plan, or take it in.

Things are thrown at me, and I react.

I keep asking myself "Am I a good mother?

Am I doing the right things for Mary?"

Every mother asks herself that.

- Did you? - Constantly.

- Really? - You're a wonderful mother.

All you need now is a husband.

Romance is the last thing on my mind right now.

I'm not talking about romance, darling.

I'm talking about marriage.

What's happening between you and Edward?

He proposed to me.

And?

Edward is a wonderful man.

In some ways I love him very much.

But something keeps me from saying yes.

Would that something happen to be a tall architect?

What do you mean?

I hate to be the one to tell you,

but you're wasting your time with that one.

Why do you say that?

Because some men are never comfortable

with their feelings.

They can't open up.

But he does with Mary. He's wonderful with her.

That's different.

If you think that you can get him to open up to you,

then by all means marry him.

I'm afraid you're going to find

you've wasted a lot of precious time

waiting for nothing.

Woman on TV: That's Alberta.

[laughter]

Mary, I told you

to turn off the television and go to sleep.

- No! - Michael: Mary!

We leave her with you for a couple of hours,

- and she's crazy, Michael. - Don't blame me.

She's going through some weird phase.

It's no different than before.

It's a lot different, I'm telling you.

Things have got to change around here.

I heard you. Give me that remote control.

It's not healthy for a guy to get excited and have to stop!

It's bad for my heart.

She wouldn't stop bothering us all night.

Laurie finally left.

Don't ever let me loose in a jungle.

That's it. I'm pulling the plug.

I'll probably never see her again.

I've got a life, too, you know!

- Shit! - You said the "S" word.

No, I didn't. Ah, shit!

Pete, are you listening to me?

No, I'm electrocuting myself.

Sylvia: What is going on here?

What are you doing up at this late hour, young lady?

Excuse us.

What started all this?

I think we're getting into some uncharted territory here.

I want to talk to her about us

and what we can do when I'm with Laurie.

You're kidding. Laurie was here?

[chatter]

[Jack, Peter laugh]

Is it mine or yours?

It's me. It's me.

I'll take that one.

How's Mary?

Asleep for now.

What's the matter with her?

I think we're getting a taste of some tough things ahead,

like school.

Ha! Adolescence!

Puberty.

Puberty was my favorite stage.

I'm serious, Jack.

So am I. [laughing]

That's one thing I was really good at.

[laughing]

How long do you think

we're going to be able to do this?

Do what, honey?

Live like this.

Me, you, Mary.

Well, it's worked so far, hasn't it?

Because it was necessary at first.

Oh, I see.

And now you're such a big star,

you don't need the rest of us.

That's not true, Jack.

I just don't think that we are meeting

all of Mary's or my or your needs.

Jack: What needs are you talking about?

Passion, marriage, children, sex.

You took the words right out of my mouth.

I'll talk to Mary about sex if you want.

No.

Not sex for Mary, sex for me.

Uh-oh. Time to dust off the old penis speech.

I never have it with me when I need it.

- How's that go? - I'm serious!

I want to get married.

I want to have more children.

What about you? This must be very limiting for you.

It is. That's the problem.

Just think. If Mary and I hadn't moved in here

and taken up your lives like this,

you'd be in different places by now.

- We'd be married. - We'd be divorced.

You saved us a fortune.

You can joke all you want,

but the bottom line is

Mary needs a more normal environment.

She's very confused right now,

and to be honest, so am I.

All right.

Okay, I'll live up to my responsibility.

You want to marry me?

Jack, be serious.

I am being serious.

We had a child together, for goodness' sake.

What do you say?

Want to sleep on it?

She did that once before, Jack.

Hey, shut up.

Do you want to marry me?

No.

No?

But thank you for asking.

Whew! That was a close one.

Jack, you're a wonderful man and a great father,

but you'd be a terrible husband.

I can live with that.

Besides, I don't love you.

Not romantically.

You don't love me, either, not like that.

How do you know I don't?

- I know. - Maybe he does.

No, he can't fool me.

He's not that good an actor.

I know you too well.

- I could fool you. - Never!

What? Is it my hands?

I never know what to do with my hands.

My hands are always giving me away.

Look...

I didn't come down here

expecting the three of you to draw straws for me.

I'm just telling you that a lot of things are changing,

and I think it's time we face it.

[knock on door]

Come in.

Oh, Peter! Is Mary all right?

She's fine.

Last time you came to the theater,

she had a raisin in her ear.

That was Jack who put the raisin in her ear.

Mm, I should've known.

That's a very pretty dress.

Thank you.

So what brings you here?

You.

Me?

Yeah. I was thinking about what you said.

And you're right.

We haven't been paying enough attention to your needs.

There's something that I wanted to say to you,

um, without Michael and Jack around.

What is it?

Well, I think you should get married

and have more kids.

If they're anything like Mary,

I think you should have a dozen more.

I just wanted you to know that.

And I wanted you to know

that whatever you decide, I'll support you.

Is that all?

Well, make sure you pick the right guy.

Don't just rush into it.

I'm not rushing into anything.

That's what everybody thinks when they're doing it.

This is a huge step.

Maybe it's time we take some huge steps.

Picking the wrong person to marry

is the worst mistake you can make.

Believe me, I know.

Do you? How many times have you been married?

Once.

What?

When?

We've spent all this time together,

and you've never told me?

Well, it was a long time ago...

for about an hour.

Do Jack and Michael know?

Jack knows.

No one else?

My ex-wife has a dim recollection.

Obviously it was a wonderful experience for you.

One that can never be equaled--

not without bloodshed, anyway.

Look--

So you ready, darling?

Oh. I'm sorry, Peter.

I didn't know you were here.

Hello, darling.

I was... just leaving, Edward.

Think about it.

I will.

We can't force Sylvia to marry somebody we choose for her.

All we're saying is that she wants to get married.

That's a given.

So let's introduce her to some nice guys,

let nature take its course.

Look, Peter, if it's a friend of ours,

it'll make things easier on us.

That's true.

Good. Read the list.

Okay. Carl?

Carl is too short.

But he won't be a threat to Mary.

Because she's bigger than he is.

What about Bill?

I like Bill.

So do I, but don't you think

we need someone a little more elegant?

Moose? No. Probably not.

- Denny. - Denny's a great idea.

Denny's always broke.

- What about Jim? - Jim?

Someone a little more mature than Mary would be preferable.

These are slim pickings.

I'm glad I'm not a lady searching for a husband.

I'm looking better all the time.

- Greg? - Too young.

- Matt? - Too old.

- Trevor? - Too fat.

Bill? Billy-Bob? Billy-Joe?

Peter, we're not asking you to marry the guy.

What about Edward?

He's English.

So is Sylvia.

Nah, that's one of those actor-director things.

They never last. Trust me. [slurp]

["Dancing In the Dark" plays]

You know what I'm thinking?

What?

I'm thinking I'd like to have another child.

Maybe two more.

Maybe even a dozen.

I'd like to have children.

Really?

You didn't before.

I must be growing up.

No, no, no, I thought you liked

all those opening night parties.

The hotels, the stars.

I thought that was the best part.

I lied. You're the best part.

I love you, Sylvia Bennington.

Marry me.

I'm getting married.

I'm getting married.

I'm, I'm...

I'm getting married.

Ah, no!

Uh, Sylvia, there's no more milk.

I'm getting married.

Don't overreact. I can get some milk.

Jack, I think she's serious.

- You serious? - I'm very serious.

- You're getting married? - Yes.

To someone specific?

No, to the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.

Jack: We spent all night at it

and couldn't come up with squat.

What do you mean?

Uh, never mind.

Who is he?

- Edward. - Yes.

But, sweetheart, come on, he's a director.

Why him?

Because he asked me

and because I love him.

I've got so much to do.

We're being married in England.

- Michael: When? - As soon as possible.

Edward's directing a production

of Midsummer Night's Dream, at the National,

and I'll be doing it with him.

Anything in it for me?

Jack, come on.

Aren't you happy for me?

Yeah, yeah, of course we are.

Michael: Of course. Thrilled.

How many times does a lady get married, huh?

Two, three times at the most?

Just once for me, thank you.

Where are you going to live?

London.

London, England?

No, London, New Jersey.

And Mary?

I'm taking Mary with me.

Mommy, I can't find Sabrina!

I'll be right there, darling.

Look, I know this is sudden.

It's not easy for me, either.

I love you all very, very much.

I'm counting on you.

I really need your understanding, so--

I really think it's the best thing for everyone,

so try and support me in this, will you?

Mary: I don't want to go to England.

Yeah, I know, but sometimes we gotta do things

that seem kinda hard at first,

and most of the time they turn out to be great

after all, you know?

No, they don't.

Oh, sure, they do. Like you.

What do you mean?

Well, when you first showed up,

we weren't sure we were gonna like you at all.

Why not?

Because all you did was eat and sleep and...

cry at--

Well, look how great it turned out. Here.

But I'll never see you again.

Of course you will.

We'll come visit you, and you can visit us.

Not every day.

No, not every day.

Okay. I'll tell you what.

Close your eyes.

I don't want to.

Come on, close your eyes. Are you cheating?

Are they closed?

Okay.

Can you see us?

No.

Well, then you're not looking hard enough.

Look real hard, way in the back there.

Can you see us now?

Yeah, I can see you.

There you go. What are we doing?

Michael's drawing.

Yeah? What's Jack doing?

Jack's looking in the mirror.

And you are watching basketball on TV,

yelling at Jack for not cleaning up the kitchen.

Well, see?

That sounds about right to me,

so that's all you got to do. Whenever you need us,

you just close your eyes real tight,

you look for us,

and we'll be right there with you.

Sit on my lap.

Now, remember, don't open it

unless you're prepared to love and care for what's in it.

What is it?

You won't know till you open it.

You're wonderful with her.

Broadway's nothing compared to children,

the toughest audience in the world.

Glad you could come, Edward.

Good to see you, Peter.

- Michael. - Hey, there.

I adored your cartoon this morning.

What astonishes me

is the way a satirist like yourself

can draw in one frame

what it takes us two or three hours

in a play to accomplish.

I like to think

I touch upon the deeper issues of society.

And Jack! Jack, how are you?

Well, unemployed.

I've always meant to explain why I didn't cast you

when you auditioned for me.

You don't have-- It's all right.

Why didn't you?

No, that's all right.

Well, I realized that Jack is far too...

large an actor for that part.

You see, your comic expertise

would've thrown the whole play out of balance.

I loved your last commercial,

by the way. Fabulous.

Oh, yeah. The laxative one?

You were hysterical.

I don't want to sound conceited or anything,

but a lot of people say that when they watched,

they really believed that I was constipated.

As I did, truly.

Hey, thanks.

That means a lot to me.

I think we need drinks.

I think we need shovels.

[laughing]

Oh, this is crazy.

All I'm doing is talking about myself.

Can I fill your drink up for you, Ed?

You don't mind if I call you Ed, do you?

Not at all.

I opened my present!

You did? What is it?

A picture of a horse.

You've got to love and care for that horse.

But it's only a picture.

That's my kind of horse.

Here it's only a picture,

but back home in England, it's a real horse.

It is?

You got her a real horse?

Thank Edward.

Thank you, Edward. [Sylvia chuckles]

Jack, Edward gave me a horse.

You made her day, her year.

Edward, it can be dangerous

to bargain for a child's affection.

I'm sorry?

Would anyone like some of my liver mousse hors d'oeuvres?

You buy her a horse.

What's next? Two horses?

Three horses?

They're made from fresh goat liver, Peter.

And then what? A motorcycle, a car?

Pete, try one of these. Put one in your mouth.

No, thank you. Where does it end?

I see your point.

You've never been around a kid before, have you?

No. Much like yourself,

I've never had a child of my own.

Raising a child is not as easy as it looks.

It doesn't look easy at all.

It isn't.

They see through people much quicker than adults do.

I think we should eat.

I'm sorry about Peter.

I don't know what he thought he was doing.

I can handle him.

My favorite was when he said he really thought

Jack was constipated in that commercial.

- You believe he said that? - What a crock.

Are you saying you didn't think that I was constipated?

- Is that what you're saying. - No.

- Is that what you're saying? - Don't take it personally.

What do you know about acting?

I know how to do this. Let's see you act constipated.

Go on, act constipated.

Peter, what you did today was totally uncalled-for.

What did I do?

Don't give me that.

You acted like a spoiled child.

Well, I don't like the guy.

You never gave him a chance.

He's not the right father for Mary.

Well, no one supposes for a moment

that he's as perfect as you are.

I'm only thinking of Mary.

No, you're not!

You're only thinking of yourself,

how you're going to miss Mary,

how it'll upset your life,

how someone else will be with her when you're not.

You haven't once thought of what she or I need!

That's not true.

Do you know how hard today was for me?

Let me tell you it was very hard.

All I needed was a little support from you.

And instead all I got was a hearty helping of your bruised ego.

You are a selfish bastard!

I'm selfish?

I didn't leave my baby on a doorstep

when she was 6 months old.

[door slams]

They're really starting to hate each other.

Ah, don't kid yourself.

I still love the first woman who hit me.

Do you remember the day I got Sabrina

and you left her on the bus?

Remember that?

Do you remember the day she fell in the pond

in Central Park?

You dropped her in the pond

when you were smiling at that lady.

I did?

Oh, right. Yes, I did.

I forgot that.

Anyway, see, me and Sabrina have this--

well, we have a connection.

So when you're in England with Sabrina,

it'll be like--

like you're there with me.

Deal?

Will you miss me?

Will I miss you?

Mary, I love you.

You're the most perfect thing

I've ever done in my entire life.

What do you mean?

Someday I'll explain that to you,

but right now, I think you should go back to bed.

Okay?

I'll see you later.

Well.

There, sweetie.

Mmm. I'm gonna miss you.

I'm going to miss you, too.

Okay, sweetie.

Okay, now, you be a strong little girl,

and you help your mother, right?

I will.

Okay.

[engine starts]

Call when you get there.

We will.

You going to the wedding?

Nope.

You?

No. I got deadlines.

You?

No, I have that TV movie in Brazil.

Besides, I don't think I could watch Sylvia get married.

It'd be like watching our family end.

Let's have a party.

Yeah? What kind of party?

The kind we used to throw all the time.

I like that idea.

We could even have it on a school night.

Yeah! It'd be kind of like our return to bachelorhood.

[dance music playing]

Enough for you?

Yeah, that's great.

- Hey! - Hi, how are you?

- Fine, thanks. - Is this fun or what?

Yeah.

We gotta make up for lost time, fellas.

Tell you what. Why don't I take the blondes?

I'll take the brunettes.

I guess that leaves me the redheads.

[chatter]

Excuse me. Would you like to dance?

- Sure. - I got to warn you.

You're gonna have to keep up with me.

- I'm one hell of a dancer. - Oh!

[rip]

Aah!

Are you okay?

Oh, don't worry. Look.

Look. Every picture, she gets cuter and cuter.

Did I tell you what Mary said last year?

Only until May.

I'm gonna get a drink,

then we can start on what she said in June.

I did some of the work myself.

I got all the furniture--

This bookcase is from a farm.

Where?

What did you say your name was?

- Allisia. - I'm Peter.

The farm was in Vermont.

It's old, from the 18th century.

I like it.

When are you gonna paint it?

[new song starts]

Wanna dance?

Ernie: * Rubber Duckie, you're the one *

[squeak squeak]

* You make bath time lots of fun *

* Rubber Duckie, I'm awfully fond of you *

[squeak squeak]

* Vo-vo-vo-dee-oh

* Rubber Duckie, joy of joys *

[squeak squeak]

* When I squeeze you, you make noise *

* Rubber Duckie, I'm awfully fond of you *

[clock ticks]

Ahem.

Here it is.

My speciality:

liver mousse and poached eggs.

An attractive combination.

It's great.

Don't you like it?

I love it,

but we do have a cook for this sort of thing.

I like doing it.

Try it, Edward. You'll like it.

Whoever taught you to hold your teacup like that?

I don't know anybody here.

I thought Glenn was coming.

His kids have measles.

What about Martha?

She had to make an asparagus costume for Tommy.

So much for life in the fast lane.

What are we doing here?

Having a great time. Can't you tell?

Why aren't we in England?

Ah, Michael, come on.

I'm telling you, I spoke to Mary yesterday.

I could sense she was not happy.

She said she was having a good time.

I know what I'm talking about.

My parents used to send me off to camp every summer.

The counselors would make us write postcards home.

I'd be covered in poison ivy,

sharing a cabin with a guy who collected farts,

and I'd be praying that the whole place

would burn to the ground.

But I'd always write what a good time I was having.

Believe me, you guys,

our little girl is miserable.

And I'm going to England.

You guys can stay here if you like.

I'm going.

[thunder]

["Rue Britannia"]

Peter: What's this thing run on, batteries?

The last one they had.

[motor grinds]

I hate England. I always have.

Pete, as long as we're here, look on the bright side.

Okay, okay. You're right. I'm sorry.

Hmm.

The toilet paper's like Reynolds Wrap.

That's a start.

It's so damn cold all the time,

the only thing that's warm is the ice.

- You know what I hate most? - What?

The way they use words like "shedule."

- And "vit-amins." - Yeah.

[honk]

- Other side, Pete! - Damn!

- Want me to drive? - Relax.

I'm telling you, we're lost.

I haven't seen a road that's marked

in this map in 20 minutes.

[sheep bleating]

What's that noise?

Do you think it's the engine?

Uh-uh.

The next road that you come to--

I can't hear a word he's saying.

[bleating]

[Man continues inaudibly]

I got it, I got it.

On your right,

you'll see two large trees and a gray stone,

which my wife says reminds her of a tortoise.

Now, in between those trees is a long, narrow road

with a shallow brook running alongside

and a short hedge full of white blossoms.

Now, don't take that road!

Here we go, you sheep.

Let's get out of here as fast as we possibly can.

[engine sputters]

Maybe we should have called first.

Nah. Don't worry about it.

This'll be more fun.

Thank you.

[chatter]

Peter: This is it?

It's so huge.

Looks like a hotel.

Wow, look at this place.

Family money.

Yeah. Hmm.

Hey.

The Medieval version of permanent press.

How do you take a leak in one of these things?

Carefully, very carefully.

Come on.

There she is!

Look, it's Michael and Peter!

My life is complete.

- Yay! - Yeah!

- We missed you! - Missed you more.

Welcome.

It's good of you to come.

- Edward. - Hi, Edward.

Hi, Sylvia.

Where's Jack?

He's making a movie.

- He got a job? - Yeah, he did.

We thought we'd surprise you.

Oh, you certainly did. It's wonderful.

You must stay with us.

Oh. Is that all right with you, darling?

Of course. Of course.

Mary: How did you find us?

It was no trouble at all.

Vera: I'm not surprised. Everyone knows this house.

I'll show you my horse. His name is Slam-dunk.

Let's go see him!

You'd probably like to unpack first.

Oh, sure. Sorry.

Barrow, would you show these gentlemen

to the guest rooms in the west wing?

Very good, Miss.

Hmm. Not bad.

Nice.

The water closet is in here, sir.

You were very well behaved before.

Well, we're all civilized people, Michael.

[urinating]

- Michael! Peter! - Oh!

Hey!

What'd you guys bring me?

Gee, I don't know, Pete.

Did we bring anything for Mare?

I can't remember. Maybe--

Look in that suitcase.

Yeah! Look at that.

and Jack sent you a makeup case.

- Neat. It's just like his. - Yeah.

Dinner will be served promptly at 8, gentlemen.

Oh.

Sure we're not overdressed?

Trust me. I saw "Brideshead Revisited" three times.

Has someone died?

Not yet.

Peter, Michael, let me introduce you.

This is Deirdre Coleman.

Deirdre's with the foreign service.

And Wilfred Blair, director of the National Theater.

Edward's told me so much about your commune.

How do you do?

And Reverend Hewitt, who'll be marrying us.

How do you do? Is there any more salmon?

This is Peter Mitchell, Michael Kellum,

friends of Sylvia's.

Yes, but is there any more salmon?

Yes, of course. Oh, there is Sylvia now.

Peter, there's someone over here I'd love you to meet.

Elspeth, I'd love you to meet Peter Mitchell.

Miss Elspeth Lomax.

- Oh. How do you do? - How do you do?

Miss Lomax is from Guernsey.

Oh, where the cows come from.

That's right.

- And Mr. Mitchell is... - An architect.

Oh. Well, then,

do you align yourself with the post-modernists,

or are you a bit more of a classicist?

What? Um...

Prince Charles is having war in this country with--

Ooh, bang.

Sorry. Um...

No, uh...

There's some roe on your nose.

Oh, goodness.

- Um... - I'm sorry.

- It's all right. - Thank you.

What is it that you do?

- Me? - Uh-huh.

I'm the headmistress of a girls' school

in West Riding.

You may have heard of it.

The Pileforth Academy.

Pileforth? No. I can't say that I have.

Well, we've been turning out England's finest young ladies

since the 18th century.

Excuse me.

Mary'd like to see us.

Oh, sorry. Lovely to meet you.

It was very nice meeting you.

I think he fancies you.

Don't be such a rogue.

What makes you say that?

He asked to meet you.

I know Peter pretty well.

Do you?

A woman has to walk a very fine line with him.

How so?

She has to make it very clear

that she's attracted to him,

but she can't come on too strongly.

Say no more.

Peter: You ever get the feeling you're being watched?

I make up stories about them.

I think she was on the cover

of "Rolling Stone" last year.

We brought super-chunk peanut butter.

We brought some from New York.

- Yeah! - Okay.

Wait here. I'll get it.

Run. What about this one, honey?

Oh, Peter.

- I was just going to get... - I was just going to see...

- I'm sorry. - No, what were you gonna say?

Is everything all right?

Towels, blankets?

Everything's fine.

You look great.

So do you.

Well, Sylvia--

You know how you want to say something

and then you don't,

and then, by the time you say it,

it's been such a long time.

Well, I remember one time,

Sandra, she used to be my assistant,

she never told me this guy called.

Peter, what is it you want to say?

I'm sorry about what I said before you left.

So am I.

I overreacted.

Mm-mm. Well, you got a pretty good right hook,

but if anybody deserved it, I did.

I was out of line, way out of line.

Ahem.

I beg your pardon, Miss.

Lady Eastwick is leaving.

I have to go.

Sure. It's all right.

Jack, how's the movie going?

Oh, it's a fabulous role, Michael.

Kind of a South American King Lear.

Anyway, I don't want to talk about me.

- Where's Mary? - She's asleep.

Oh, shoot.

Well, how's she doing? Is she any bigger?

Has she got the accent down yet?

She's okay. She missed us.

She misses you, Jack.

Yeah. Tell her I miss her, too.

Jack, you gonna make it to the wedding?

I don't know, Michael.

I really need the work,

and I'm very pivotal to the plot.

We need you here.

Hey, Fruit of the Loom, you're on!

I gotta go, Michael. Yeah. Bye-bye.

Oi, Charlie, give us a hand!

[chatter]

Not so splendid as your mighty erections,

I imagine.

Did I frighten you?

I was expecting Mary. That's all.

Ah, little Mary, yes.

What a delightful if somewhat willful child.

She'll make an excellent Pileforth student.

She's going to your school?

Well, not immediately, no, no, no,

but eventually.

I'm sorry, but she wouldn't like it.

What makes you say that?

I just know, that's all.

Boarding school is definitely not for her.

Tell me, are you always such a slave to your instincts?

No, not usually.

Don't underestimate

what a school like Pileforth can do for a young lady.

After all, I'm a Pileforth girl myself.

Oh. That's reassuring.

In fact, I'm-- I'm going back there this morning.

I was just wondering

whether you'd like to, um... visit.

No, but thank you.

No.

I hope you don't mind my saying this,

but you seem to be a little distracted.

Do I?

Well, you're right. I--

I'm very confused right now.

I can't make any sense out of anything.

Really? How do you mean?

Well, you're a woman.

You are correct.

Well, tell me something.

How can a man look at a woman

and not realize right away how he feels about her?

Do you understand what I'm trying to say?

Well, I must admit

to not being the most worldly of women,

but I can assure you that I'm not oblivious

of the ways of Eros.

Well, if I'm so attracted to her,

why can't I tell her?

Perhaps those of us

who have navigated the river of life singly

are wary of rocking the punt.

I don't know what to do.

Well, tell her.

Hmm.

Seek the auspicious moment

and, um, tell her.

Mary: Colder, colder, colder,

colder.

Warmer, warmer.

Getting warmer.

Warmer, warmer.

[clang]

Isn't this fun?

A splendid game.

I can see why so many cherish it.

Warmer, hotter, hotter.

Very hot! Very hot!

Edward: Oh, for God's sake, what have you done now?

I'm terribly sorry, sir.

Do you have any idea how important these letters are?

It's my fault. I made him play.

I told you not to play your games

in the house, didn't I?

No, no. Leave them alone!

Barrow, get me some towels, will you?

I'm sick of rearranging my life because of a child!

You'll learn some manners at school. Now go to your room!

He doesn't like me.

He's always yelling at me.

He yelled at me this morning

when Miss Lomax was measuring me.

When she was what, sweetie?

Measuring me for my new clothes.

What new clothes?

A blue jacket, a patch right here,

like the other girls wear.

She means a uniform.

Miss Lomax was measuring Mary for a school uniform.

Why?

I think Edward's planning on sending Mary

to that boarding school.

At 6 years old? Those places are like reformatories.

I think we should check this out.

Do you like it here?

It's wonderful, sir.

Hi, there.

It's a Stepford school.

So...

the skeptical American has changed his mind

and come to judge for himself.

We had some time.

So we got in the car and came up.

Oh, well, you must be hungry.

Come. Let me satisfy your appetite.

What's the usual age of a girl who comes here?

Well, the usual age of an enrolling student is 8.

But we have made exceptions

for children as young as 6 or 7.

That sounds very young.

Ah, yes, but the system has worked

for more than 200 years.

We take great care of our girls.

For example, we have a registered nutritionist

who supervises all our meals.

Didn't you enjoy your lunch?

I've never tasted anything better.

But you haven't touched it.

This is where the girls sleep.

Nice.

Well, it's not exactly the Hilton,

but it's certainly conducive to study.

I spent many a happy night in this dormitory.

Hmm.

This is the very room

where the late Duke of Pileforth used to kennel his hounds.

Peter: I can tell.

Look, it's not as cold as it might first appear.

You know, sometimes, beneath the most rigid surface

lies a surprising... fervor.

What's the matter, darling?

I'm concerned about Mary.

She'll come around. You'll see.

I'm nervous about tomorrow.

Don't you want to get married?

Yes. Of course I do.

I-- I think so. Yes, yes, yes, I do.

Why do you ask?

Everything's going to be fine. I promise.

You son of a bitch. You're planning

on sending Mary to that boarding school.

What are you talking about?

We went to Pileforth this afternoon.

He's planning to send Mary there.

In five or six years, that's a possibility.

No, not in five or six years. Next term!

- That's not true. - He's lying to you.

- Rubbish. - Then why was Miss Lomax measuring Mary?

- Was she? - For a uniform.

A gift.

She asked me if she could give Mary a blazer.

- Why? - Because she said

with the presents we'll get, Mary might feel left out.

I think that's a very sweet thought.

- Yes, I thought so. - What a crock.

Did you come here just to stir up trouble, Mitchell?

Darling, it's just a misunderstanding, that's all.

No, it's not a misunderstanding.

I'm telling you, you can't trust this guy.

He's lying.

Peter, you have no proof of that.

I don't need any proof. I feel it.

Who bloody cares?

Edward! I made it! I'm here! Ha!

Hallelujah.

What-- Sylvia, you can't marry this guy.

- Why not? - Because.

Tell me, Peter. I want to know.

For Mary's sake.

You may not like Edward,

but I love him, and I'm going to marry him.

I'd tell you not to bother coming tomorrow,

but Mary would be crushed.

So for her sake, please do come.

But as far as I'm concerned, stay out of my life.

Hi.

Hi.

Glad to see you haven't lost your touch with women there, Pete.

Ever think about making an instructional video?

What'd you want to say, Jack?

Look, I know a lot of people don't take me seriously.

They think I'm conceited, self-centered,

that I can't see anything except if it's happening to me.

Please correct me if I'm wrong here.

I will.

Look, Pete,

I've lived with you for seven years now.

I know you as well as anybody-- better.

These last five years

with Mary and Sylvia and Michael and me,

you have been the glue that kept us together.

We depended on you. I mean,

we made you the father, and it worked.

But it's kept you from admitting

how you feel about Sylvia.

You love her, don't you?

Why do you say that?

Don't you?

Aw, come on, Pete.

Just say how you feel.

Okay, I love her!

Damn it, I knew it!

I wish they had a category like this on "Jeopardy."

I'd clean up. Okay, Pete, what's holding you back?

- I don't know. - Come on.

- You know! - I don't know!

- Well, you, for one. - Me?

Yeah. You're Mary's real father.

- So? - You're my best friend, too.

And you and Sylvia, you're kissing all the time.

You're always telling her how much you love her!

That's actor stuff. That doesn't mean what you think.

Well, I always figured you and she would eventually--

You were there. I asked her.

She said no, I didn't love her that way.

And she was right, too. I don't.

Not that I couldn't fool her. But that's not the point.

You do love her that way, and she loves you.

- She loves me? - Yes.

Then why is she marrying Edward?

Because you never asked her!

- Yeah, but you-- - But what, Pete?

I-I'm scared.

Of what, getting married again?

Yes.

I love Sylvia. Okay, there. I said it.

I love her. I love her so much, it's making me crazy.

But I'm scared of screwing up like I did the last time.

I'm scared of hurting Sylvia

and Mary and you and Michael.

and me.

Boy, it's tough being Papa Bear, isn't it?

I love you. You're a very special man.

If anyone deserves to be happy, it's you.

If you love her, you've gotta go for it.

You can make it work, believe me.

You're a good friend.

I'm a great friend. What's this good shit?

I'm going back to Pileforth!

Maybe you should think this through again.

- I think too much. - He does. He's right.

Don't try and talk me out of it. I love Sylvia.

Then go tell her that.

She won't listen to me till I prove the guy's a fraud.

- How? - There's got to be something.

You know, records, a file, something

to show that he's sending Mary there.

Suppose you're wrong.

Then I'm wrong. What have I got to lose?

Your words, Jack-- If you want something, go for it.

Jack!

There you are, baby doll!

I knew you were coming. I told Sabrina you would.

Where are you going?

I'll be back.

I love your mom.

He's been really weird.

[engine sputtering]

[nose blowing]

[humming]

[creak]

[creak]

Is there someone there?

Mr. Mitchell!

What are you doing in my closet?

Sometimes a man has to be alone.

And sometimes he needs companionship.

Oh, no. Wait, look. I'm sorry,

but I've gotta be totally honest with you.

Let's just lay it out right on the table.

Oh, I'm glad that your infatuation

has at last found a voice.

- It has? - We have no more excuses now.

We are creatures of the night.

We are children of la luna!

Wait, we're breaking all the rules of propriety.

Oh, rules, rules, rules are made to be broken.

- Oh, kiss me! - What about the girls?

They can't have you!

I've never met your family.

I've never asked your father's permission.

My father's a doddering old fool!

Then there's something I have to tell you.

I'm impotent!

Oh, I find that so charming in a man.

Miss Lomax-- Elspeth--

Oh, shut up and take me!

Am I everything you expected?

And more, much more!

No!

We can't, not tonight!

Not like this.

We mustn't let one night of passion

cloud our entire relationship.

Oh, I understand what you're saying.

As hard as it may be for both of us,

we must control ourselves.

Good night.

Oh, you are a true gentleman.

Damn it.

[engine sputtering]

[engine backfires, then stops]

Damn.

Darling, where have you been? We have so much to do.

I wanted a few moments by myself.

Feeling nervous, are you?

A little.

It's quite natural to feel nervous.

After all, in less than two hours,

you'll be leaving a whole part of your life behind you,

and entering a lifelong contract

that will change everything you've ever known.

Thank you, Mother. I feel so much better now.

That's what mothers are for. Come on, darling.

The good news is I've got the proof.

The bad news is I'm still a long way away.

Don't worry. Jack and I are cooking up a plan.

All you have to do is get here.

The cavalry just showed up. I'll be there.

Wait! Stop!

Boy, am I glad to see you.

Mr. Mitchell! What are you doing here?

I'll explain everything. Let's go.

We've got to stall the wedding till Peter gets back.

- I'm ready. - You with us?

Yes!

All right, we've got one hour.

Yo!

This way, vicar.

I haven't finished my breakfast.

Where are you taking me?

See, they've moved the ceremony.

I'm driving you to a new church.

No one told me about this. Who are you?

Ah, Vicar, that's an extremely interesting

theological question. Who are any of us?

Good point. You know, I've often suggested

my congregation ask itself that very question.

And if, in fact, we exist at all.

Well, I have a syllogism that answers that problem.

It goes like this: all pigs exist. I exist.

Therefore, I am a pig. No, that's not right.

Um, oh, yes. I've got it.

All people exist. All pigs exist.

Therefore, all people are pigs.

[engine starts]

No, that's not it, either.

I was under the impression that Sylvia knew

that Mary was to be enrolled for next term.

She has absolutely no idea.

How extraordinary.

All they said was the vicar was ill.

We'll have to find another.

Yes. I mean, you can't swing a dead cat

around the English countryside

without hitting a vicar.

More news from the vicarage.

They're sending a replacement.

Ah! Ha ha. Oh, there you are.

What's hard to believe is that it's taken five years

to realize my true feelings for her.

Look, I'm sorry if I misled you.

Say no more.

All is fair in love and war.

You're a very attractive woman.

Oh, I know.

We've got to get you to the church before the wedding.

We shall succeed.

I know a shortcut.

[honk] Aah!

Man: You'll never get that out, lad.

Do you have a car we could use?

A horse?

Anything that moves?

Ahem. Bride or groom, sir?

Just a guest, thank you.

Michael: I think that's the church up there.

I certainly hope we haven't missed the champagne.

[congregation singing]

Vicar, wait! I was wrong! This isn't the wedding!

What?

* All things bright and beautiful *

What a joyous event

we have come here to celebrate this glorious day.

I look like a dork.

You don't look like a dork.

You look very beautiful.

Edward give you the ring?

- Yes. - Where is it?

It's in my pocket.

Peter's not here yet.

He will be.

It's not right without him.

You're too young now,

but one day you'll understand all this.

I understand now.

Do you?

Peter loves you.

Keep everybody happy. The vicar's not here yet.

I'm starting a wave.

Oh, vicar.

We're grateful you could come on such short notice.

Oh. Not to worry. I love weddings.

People are always so hopeful.

No, this way.

Oh, yes.

Oh!

What time is it?

Oh, you look lovely, darling.

Look, we're going to have to go ahead without them.

Yes, but who'll give me away?

Oh...

[organ begins the Wedding March]

Sit down.

Oh, what a beautiful girl.

It's never too late, you know.

You can always change your mind.

I'm available.

Just kidding.

Dearly beloved,

we are gathered here today

to join in holy matrimony

Edward...

and...

Oh, dear.

Sylvia.

Sylvia. Of course.

I knew a Sylvia once.

She, uh...

uh...

No. She's dead.

That's not you.

Anyway, uh...

to join in holy matrimony

Ed and Sylvia.

You don't mind if I call you Ed, do you?

You're doing splendidly!

Thank you.

- I can't see! - Oh!

Ohh!

I don't know where it is.

She had it just now.

You're doing this on purpose, aren't you?

I'll handle this.

Darling, where did you have it last?

It was on the pillow.

We can't wait forever.

Oh, dear. This does not bode well.

Does anyone have a ring?

Here.

I have one.

Elspeth: There's the chapel!

Oh, dear. I hate this part.

It is, after all, in the rule book.

If there be anyone here

who knows of any reason, any reason whatsoever--

It may not seem like an important detail to you,

but you never can tell in the immortal scheme of things.

One man's pie and all that.

So, if there be any doubt, any doubt at all,

we might as well lay it out on the table right now

why these two lovely people

should not be joined in holy matrimony.

Speak now or forever hold your peace.

Hmm.

Anyone?

I think it's safe to continue.

Hmm. Oh.

Huh. Oh, wait!

Is that your hand up, back there?

Yes, you. The lady in the back row.

Man; What's he talking about?

2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th from the left!

Oh. I'm sorry.

It's your hat. Looked like your hand.

Can we please get on with this?

Where do they get these hats from?

Imagine, a piece of millinery

almost kept you from getting married.

Hang on!

[both screaming]

- Good show! - Yahoo!

Without further ado...

[snoring]

with the power vested in me

by Almighty God,

I now pronounce you

man and wife.

About bloody time.

You may kiss the bride.

[organ plays wedding recession]

Why aren't you inside? Is it too late?

Go on in! I'll explain later!

Come on, vicar!

Vicar!

Sylvia!

Don't marry him.

What are you doing?

- Michael: He got it. - What are you talking about?

He went to Pileforth.

I got the enrollment list. Mary's on it.

Her tuition's all paid up.

- Not this again. - You shut up.

Tell her, Elspeth.

It's true.

You lied to me.

This is not the time or the place.

You lied to Mary. Peter was right.

Wait a moment, darling. I was going to tell you about this.

Well, tell her now, Edward.

Look, I only did it out of concern for Mary.

On the road with a play is no way for a child to live.

Why didn't you tell me?

Because I didn't want to burden you with it

while you were dealing with all this wedding confusion.

What I did was wrong, terribly wrong,

and I apologize for that.

What a crock!

Oh, shut up, you little shit.

- [spectators gasping] - That's it.

Sylvia: Oh!

Sorry, Vicar.

I'm getting out of here. Come along, Mary.

Sylvia, wait. Wait, Sylvia, please!

Now let me finish.

Marry me.

Marry you?

Why, Peter?

For Mary's sake?

Is that why you want me to marry you?

You don't have to do that now.

I'm going back to New York and living there.

You can see as much of Mary as you'd like.

It's not for Mary I'm doing this.

I'm doing it for me.

I love you.

- No, you don't. - Yes, I do.

I love you.

I love the way you walk.

I love the way you laugh.

I love the way you get nervous and you bite your lower lip,

like you're doing right now.

I love the way you love Mary.

I even love her liver mousse!

I love you.

And if there were no Mary, if there were nothing else,

I'd still love you.

And I'd want to make Mary all over again with you.

Am I making a big enough fool of myself?

Yes.

I love you, too.

[clapping]

Lovely performance, Peter.

Forgive me for bringing up a sticky point, darling,

but we are married now.

Oh, God, he's right. We are.

I beg to differ with you, young man.

Who are you?

Never mind.

The ceremony is not quite official yet.

Shut up, you old fool!

Did he call me an old fool?

Oh, I can't believe my ears!

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh!

Boy, that hurt. Here. Hold this for me, will you?

Thank you.

And you said I couldn't fool you.

Yeah, well-- Ha ha ha ha!

Lousy actor, eh?

Constipated?

Well, in your face, pal!

Here you go. Don't be frightened.

Here we go.

Teeth. Thank you. Very good.

Oh.

Mom.

I've died and gone to hell.

Vicar, will you marry us?

Certainly.

Who are you?

By giving and receiving a ring and by joining hands,

I pronounce that they be man and wife.

You may now kiss the bride...

again.

* I hear your name whispered on the wind *

* It's a sound that makes me cry *

* I hear a song blow again and again through my mind *

* And I don't know why

* I wish I didn't feel so strong about you *

* My happiness and love revolve around you *

* Tryin' to catch your heart

* Is like tryin' to catch a star *

* So many people love you, baby *

* That must be what you are

* Waiting for a star to fall

* And carry your heart into my arms *

* That's where you belong

* In my arms, baby, yeah

* Waiting for a star to fall

* And carry your heart into my arms *

* That's where you belong

* In my arms, baby, yeah

* I've learned to feel what I cannot see *

* But with you I lose that feeling *

* I don't know how to dream your dreams *

* So I'm all caught up in superstition *

* I want to reach out and pull you to me *

* Who says I should let a wild one go free? *

* Tryin' to catch your heart

* Is like tryin' to catch a star *

* But I can't love you this much, baby *

* And love you from this far

* Waiting for a star to fall

* And carry your heart into my arms *

* That's where you belong

* In my arms, baby, yeah

* Waiting for a star to fall

* And carry your heart into my arms *

* That's where you belong

* In my arms, baby, yeah

* Waiting

* I don't like waiting

* I'm waiting for you

* It's so hard waiting

* Seems like waiting

* Makes me love you even more *

* Waiting for a star to fall

* To carry your heart into my arms *

* That's where you belong

* In my arms, baby, yeah

* Waiting for a star to fall

* To carry your heart into my arms *

* That's where you belong

* In my arms, baby, yeah

* Waiting for a star to fall

* To carry your heart into my arms *

* That's where you belong

* In my arms, baby, yeah

* Waiting for a star to fall

* To carry your heart into my arms *

* That's where you belong

* In my arms, baby, yeah