All language subtitles for The.Matchbreaker.2016.720p.BluRay.x264.VPPV

SAM: Why'd you
break up with her?

ETHAN: Seven reasons, actually.

Number one, she doesn't vote.

SAM: Eh?

ETHAN: Shh.

Number two, she cheered for
Bulgaria in the last Olympics.

SAM: Bulgarians don't
even cheer for Bulgaria.

ETHAN: OK, so it
was one Bulgarian,

and he was missing an arm.

SAM: The rest of the time,
she cheered for America?

ETHAN: Yes.

SAM: OK, that one's
a stretch too.

Look, why don't you just
forget your seven reasons

and admit that you
only need one to talk

yourself out of any girl?

ETHAN: What's that?

SAM: That she's not Emily.

ETHAN: False.

SAM: You've been in love with
Emily since the third grade.

No one's ever gonna measure up.

ETHAN: That's probably true.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Emily Atkins.

Imagine every day, a
12-year-old supermodel

literally turned your
hallway into a runway--

a runway of love.

SAM: Are you sure you're
not exaggerating a bit?

ETHAN: I don't even need to.

She was perfect in every way.

SAM: I doubt that.

ETHAN: Trust me.

While other kids were
building basic housing,

she was building Eiffel towers.

SAM: So she was French?

ETHAN: Nope, but she
spoke French fluently.

She was probably
the most thoughtful

person that ever existed.

One time, she had all
the kids in school

sign a card for Mrs. Lackra
when she broke her arm.

She even brought her flowers.

Or maybe that was her birthday.

I can't remember.

This year's humanitarian award
for her work with homeless

homing pigeons and reprogramming
the left handed, Emily Atkins.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

ETHAN: I was in
awe of her, never

dreaming that on June
4th, 2004, at 3:26 PM,

she would take my heart,
throw it in a backpack,

toss it in a van, and
drive away with it.

SAM: You poor thing.

ETHAN: I was devastated.

It was the worst day of my life.

SAM: Really?

ETHAN: Yep.

And I haven't seen her since.

It was the kind of love you
only get one chance at in life,

and I let it slip
through my fingers.

SAM: Quite a love
story, considering

you never even spoke to her.

ETHAN: Yes I did, once.

SAM: What'd you say?

ETHAN: Ahh, that's a
moment that I'd like

to keep between me and Emily.

Look, I licked a leprechaun.

SAM: OK, I think they got it.

ETHAN: Hold on, I'll
turn on the lantern.

Dang it, I said hold on!

OK.

I think we should go
get Tully before I

burn this whole place down.

He's not going
to be in any hurry

if you don't pay your
half of the rent.

I will, all right?

I just got a little behind.

Who knew car repairs
would be so expensive?

Everyone.

You kidding me?

You actually wrote
down the reasons why?

I'm a visual thinker.

"Seven reasons to dump someone"
just looks bad on paper.

Dang it.

I told you not to
leave your stuff

in the middle of the floor.
- No, no, no.

Just shut up, all right?

I'm lecturing you right now.

All right, you're
never going to find

a girl as perfect as Emily.

Once you've been in the
presence of perfection,

it's hard to settle
for anything less.

Yeah, but you've become
such a nit picky freak.

It's a gift.

Tell that to your sister.

Come on, Lexie.

The guy's a loser.

He's not.

And tell me this.

He slept through
"Sleepless in Seattle,"

the greatest romantic
comedy of all time,

but what does he have to say
about the Transformers movies?

That there should be a
best picture consideration.

For which one?

All of them.

Case closed.

[KNUCKLES CRACK]
Why would you do that?

That's terrible.

OK, there are studies that
show that cracking your knuckles

isn't bad for you.

Lexie, dump him.

He's cute.

Cute won't keep
the conversations

from drifting to the underrated
talents of Megan Fox.

Have I ever steered
you wrong before?

Pet coyote incident
of 2003 comes to mind.

Fond memories.

Yeah, rabies shots
are memorable.

[BEEPING]

What?

Hey, you want a smoothie?

[BUZZING]

[POWER SHUTS OFF]

Oh, man.

We're in trouble.

Quick, grab the
cord from the hall.

Oh, someone's there.

Shoot, it's probably Tully.

Oh, man.

Are you Matt?

There we go.

I'm taking the power
strip and the smoothie.

When can I expect the rest?

Of the smoothie?

Of the rent.

Soon.

There are a couple of
unforeseen expenses.

And I'm asking for a raise
tomorrow at Martin's Computers.

Do you think
you're gonna get it?

I deserve it.

Who's your boss?

The skinny guy with the toupee?

You want me to go
down there and--

[SMACK]

What, beat him up?

No.

But I could threaten to
rewire his ceiling fan,

make it run backwards.

You know there's a
switch for that, right?

Yeah, good point.

That'll save me some time.

Anyway, I need the rent.

My wife wants to
get her face waxed.

What does that even mean?

I don't know.

Some new spa place are
doing a three for one sale.

She's also getting
her ears exfoliated

and her elbows bleached.

It's going to cost me $500.

But it'll be worth it if I
don't recognize her afterwards.

Whatever, we have power.

Here you go.

Thank you.

How much do I owe you?

No charge.

Oh, could they not fix it.

I knew what the problem
was, so I didn't bother

getting a technician involved.

Don't tell anyone.

Oh, thank you.

You're welcome.
Have a nice day.

Thank you.

Same to you.

Don't think of it
as me firing you.

Think of it as store
policy firing you.

You didn't follow the rules.

You gave a few people their
computers back without charge.

It adds up.

Cathy will be sending
you your final paycheck.

She's right down the hall.

We went out one time.

She's really nice.

We had dinner.

[MARTIN TRAILS OFF]

I can work here.

Please.

You don't know the first
thing about arranging.

Some people would
love this design.

Really?

Who?

Who would love that?

Anarchists.

People who like
disorder and mayhem.

Those guys always put weird
things in their apartments.

You know, another option--

No, you cannot live with me.

But you can stop hanging
around here and go get a job.

Hey, Mrs. Taylor.

Hey, Lexie.

You here to pick up the
flowers for the hospital?

Yes, I am.
Thank you.

Cool, be right back.

Oh, I saw your
mother last week.

She's my favorite nurse.

Oh, well, you're her
favorite volunteer.

She said that you
had a break up.

Are you OK?

I'm fine.

OK.

You'll bounce back.

I'll get your order.

You're Ethan, aren't you?

Oh, yes ma'am.

MRS. TAYLOR: Your
mother brags about you.

In what way?

She said you're the Helen
Keller of relationships.

She thinks I'm blind and
deaf when it comes to women?

No, you're the miracle worker.

Oh, you mean her
teacher, Amy Sullivan?

How's that?

You help the love
struck Helen Kellers

by shining light on flaws
that they're too blind to see.

I don't understand.

You talked Lexie into
ending it with her boyfriend.

Well, ultimately it was her
decision to do that, but--

Did you convince her
to break up with him?

Kinda.

There you have it.

Your parents hated that boy.

In fact, that they told
me that you've saved

Lexie from a few disasters.

She listens to me.

MRS. TAYLOR: Why?

She trusts me, and I'm
just good at spotting

incompatibilities.

Why the 20 questions?

(WHISPERING) Could
you do that for me?

Excuse me?

Oh.
LEXIE: Here you go.

Thank you.

Um, how much is this?

$10.

Sold.

We have a blind patient
and it's her birthday,

so could you put a ribbon on it?

Thanks.

Can you get rid of my
daughter's boyfriend?

Uh.

Please, I've tried everything.

I've never even
met your daughter.

Yes you have, in
elementary school.

Veronica.

No, I'm sorry.

I don't remember, and
I seriously doubt--

I don't want grandchildren
with no ambition and big ears.

Have you talked to her?

I'm her mother!

She doesn't listen to me.

But she might listen
to a stranger.

Nuh uh.

I'll pay you.

(WHISPERING) We
should use code names.

I don't think that's necessary.

Oh, OK.

All right, this is Veronica.

It's like freaking Tinder.

They're all group photos.

I have no idea which one she is.

That's Veronica.

She's pretty.

Thank you.

And that's Zach.

ETHAN: Big ears.

Thank you.

This is information on her.

She has a Maltese named Beauty.

Oh, we could get you one, too!

[nos YIPS]

Whoa, whoa-- chill, boy.

I'm so sorry, he's
easily excited.

Oh, he is so cute.

What's his name?

Uh, I just call him Beast.

Ethan Cooper?

Veronica Taylor.

Yeah.

Huh, you remember me.

ETHAN: Yeah.

It's been forever.

Yeah, it has.

That's a cute dog.

VERONICA: Oh, thanks.

MRS. TAYLOR: I made a list of
things I don't like about him.

ETHAN: Huh, that's what I do.

MRS. TAYLOR: I thought
maybe you could use this.

ETHAN: Lack of motivation,
doesn't save money.

MRS. TAYLOR: Not that he has
that much money to begin with,

he works at a fast food place.

ETHAN: Fast food alone has
destroyed many relationships

with the weight gain.

MRS. TAYLOR: I'm
not that patient.

ETHAN: Um, I don't know if
this list is going to work.

These aren't things
people my age care about.

They think in the present.

OK.

So what then?

What I'm looking for are
quirks, habits, annoying things

about him.

So your boyfriend
is Zach Winstead?

Yeah.

Do you know him?

Yeah, I-- uh, I do.

Great guy.

I mean, except for
the toothpick thing.

What?

He always has a
toothpick in his mouth.

It's like a redneck way
of being pretentious.

It's weird.

Plus, the mouth noises he makes?

Ugh.

And you got to admit, he
talks like a junior high girl.

Did you see that Tweet or not?
Eww.

Oh my gosh, they're so annoying.

Basic as they get.

Is that Chelsea?

What the what?

Hey, we bout to turn up!

I hate Josh Hutcherson
so much, I can't even.

JK, I'm jelly.

But seriously.

And you know, should he
really be dancing in public?

Oh, I-- uh, I got to go.

Do you wanna hang
out this weekend?

Huh?

What?

I like hanging out with you.

Uh, I don't know.

I'm not sure about hanging out
with someone else's girlfriend.

I don't want to cause
any trouble there.

Oh.

So--

Yeah, OK.

Yeah.

See ya.

Wait.

Don't you want your dog?

Thanks.

Stupid dog, you
make me look bad.

Bye.

I don't think it's working out.

What's up?

I'm Zach.

What am I supposed
to do with this dog?

Take him back to the shelter?

Is that what I am now?

I use dogs and then
toss them back?

Hey.

I heard barking.

You're not allowed
to have a dog.

We named him after you.

Tully?

SAM: Beast.

OK.

But I get to walk
him on Tuesdays.

Tuesday is Velma's
Katherine Heigl movie night.

Deal.

Hey, do you think
this girl was into you?

Definitely.

Was she cute?

Sure, but kinda weird too.

There's this new girl.

You know, as someone who
hasn't been in a relationship

for a while, I think you have
to move past the weird thing.

Was she breathing?

Look who's talking.

You haven't had a girlfriend
since the fourth grade.

I've had a lot of girlfriends.
OK, two.

Oh, wait-- uh, yeah.

Two.

And this is why I'm taking
relationship advice from you?

Do dogs eat, like, every day?

Yes they do.

Don't you?

Don't you?

Kaching.

[CHUCKLES]

What?

What?

Look.

Oh, dagnabbit.

The flying monkey
has landed, minus

the munchkin-eared albatross.

What is happening?

Great doing business with you.

ETHAN: Glad I could help.

Can I recommend
you to some people?

What do you mean?

You'd be surprised how
many parents dislike

their daughters' boyfriends.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[THUD]

Hello?

Sure, I can do that for you.

I just need a few details.

What's your daughter's name?

OK.

What's the issue you
have with her boyfriend?

Butcher's daughter
dating vegetarian.

Never gonna work.

OK, I'll need more.

Is he possessive, lazy, stupid?

Any, you know, strange habits?

Tell you what.

Think about it, write
some down, and we'll meet

for coffee on Thursday, OK?

Sounds good.

Thanks.

Where is she?

Pump three.

OK, we stay here
until she clears out.

Wait, I thought you were on
your way to meet a client?

I guess I'm going to be late.

I don't know, man.

I think you should just give in.

She wants you.

That's half the battle.

Wait, hold up.

That is the battle.

Wrong battlefield.

Really though, you
should get rid of Lexie.

She's cramping your style.

Absolutely not.

She is the only way I'm
keeping these girls at bay.

Besides, they open
up to me if they

know I'm not trying to move in.

I don't think Veronica really
cares about your girlfriend.

She already knows Lexie is my
sister, so that doesn't work.

Can you just start
sending these girls my way?

You don't want them.

Because--?

Same reasons I
don't want them--

incompatible personalities,
blubbering about their break

up, weird habits
you'd have to live

with for the rest of your life.

Trust me.

Still.

ETHAN: Oh, she's coming.

VERONICA: Ethan?

Veronica, hey.

What are you guys doing here?

Oh, we're just picking up
some-- his mom asked us to--

You know, it's so funny.

I was just on my
way to your house

to invite you to my party.

Oh, wow, Friday?

Mm.

Any other day would have
been fine, but Friday--

Yeah, we have that--

Right, that uh--

That thing.

Minor surgery.

VERONICA: The
party's on Thursday.

The flyer says Friday.

The party's on Thursday.

Sentinel Creek Park at sunset.

Aww, that's where Beauty
and the Beast first met.

Yeah.

I can't leave that
crossed my mind.

OK, well, since you're
free on Thursday,

I guess I'll see you there.

Bye.

Bye, Sam.

Dude, you know you're the
only one invited to that party.

I know.

WOMAN: His name is Brian.

ETHAN: And you don't like him?

I like him fine.

It's just that after her dad
died, she's all I have left.

I don't want her wasting
her life with this boy.

What's wrong with him?

Nothing.

I just want her
to be with Thomas.

Thomas is?

My future son-in-law.

He's a lawyer, about
to become partner.

Brian is just an
accountant and will be

doing Thomas's taxes one day.

OK.

So what else do you
know about Brian?

I know he's not Thomas.

It's just that it
would help if you could

give me some more information.

You know, any ex-girlfriends,
multiple Facebook accounts,

bad credit history.

I know nothing, but
isn't that your job

to uncover the secrets?

I suppose.

I can certainly give it
a shot with what we have.

Good.

I'll pay you
regular rates if you

can break them up,
and double if you can

get her interested in Thomas.

That's not really what I do.

Quadruple.

But I've been looking
into branching out.

Good.

Would you like to meet her?

I would.

She works at the art gallery
and is scheduled for tomorrow,

but she also sings nights
at the Green Lady Lounge.

Show starts at 9:00.

WOMAN: (SINGING) Don't like
it when the bad guy wins,

I must confess that, I can say.

Every story needs a happy
ending at the end of the day.

Don't like to rock the boat,
it doesn't mean I'm lazy.

I like to paint
outside the lines,

it doesn't make me crazy.

I'm a girl who mouths
the words at every play.

Emily?

Who's that girl singing?

Emily Atkins.

Quite the voice, huh?

Yeah.

Quite the everything.

(SINGING) I'm just
funny that way.

[AUDIENCE CLAPPING]

Um, hello.

Hi.

I just wanted to say how much
I enjoyed your performance.

Oh, thank you.

Yeah.

Uh, it was good.

You were a really cool
jazz, um, cat up there.

Don't I know you?

Uh, no.

Um, from Jefferson Elementary.

What's your name?

Ethan Cooper.

Oh, yeah.

I do remember you.

Yeah, yeah.

I realized it was you the
second I walked in here.

You always did
have a great voice.

When did you hear me sing?

Well, you had a solo in
the third grade musical.

You know, Mr.
Dragon Lilly's Farm?

Yeah, I-- um, I was a turnip.

I sang like, one line.

Right.

I mean, it was just
memorable to me

because it inspired me
to go organic and put

turnips in stews and
various other recipes.

Turnips?

I know.

I had to go on for
another minute and a half

about my infatuation with
turnips just to cover.

To cover your
infatuation with her?

She's still perfect.

Hey, would you get your
feet off the table?

That's disgusting.

Velma went through a
weird vegetable phase, too.

You guys know what chard is?

No.

It's like the fat free
yogurt of vegetables,

which is bad because vegetables
are like the soy milk of food.

Ethan, you need a
new oven igniter.

I'll order it tomorrow.

Great.

Hey, you really need to
go back to the jazz club

and talk to her.

No.

I need a new strategy.

Reminds me of some
of Brancusi's work.

Ethan?

Oh, hey Emily.

Good to see you again.

I didn't know you liked art.

Uh, yeah.

Yeah, I work here.

Oh, sweet.

Nice to meet a
fellow art person.

Uh, so how do you mean that
this reminds you of Brancusi?

I kind of feel like Brancusi had
a much simpler form than this.

No, I'm talking about
his earlier stuff

when he was a little
wilder, you know?

College years.

I'm not really familiar.

I'm kind of a Brancusi expert.

So Brancusi is my boy.

Yeah, oh, I love his work.

What's your favorite piece?

A little known gem.

It's a sculpture called
"Guy with Blender."

And instead of
blending food, he's

blending-- you know, dreams and
hopes and 2/3 cup of reality.

So it's pretty
symbolic and stuff.

You'd kind have to be a big
art lover to appreciate it.

So how have you been?

Uh, great.

And you?

Fantastic.

Yeah, are you
married or anything?

No, no.

Are you?

Oh, no, no, no.

No way.

But I got me a girlfriend, yep.

I've got me one of those.

Well done.

Yeah.

I remember you moving
away during middle school.

Are you back in town now, or?

Yeah.

Yeah, I moved back
about a year ago.

Oh, OK.

Cool.

I missed you.

I mean, we.

As a community.

Yeah.

I really miss being here.

So what are you doing now?

Just here making
Brancusi observations.

I mean for a living.

Oh, right.

I'm a freelance consultant.

Oh, cool.

What do you consult on.

I take dysfunctional
systems and I

disassemble them for diagnosis.

Sounds complicated.

Oh, it is.

Trust me.

Well, do you fix them too?

No.

No, not usually.

That's kind of the
next guy's job.

Oh.

How am I going to do this?

Break her up from
her boyfriend?

Convince her of anything.

I'm vacant of all rational
thought when I'm around her.

How am I going to find
something persuasive to say,

or even halfway intelligible?

Maybe you'll get lucky.

Maybe her boyfriend is really
ugly, and-- that's him?

Yep.

Oh.

Good luck.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

What am I supposed to do?

You're the expert.

There's got to be a chip in that
high gloss, heavy duty, premium

quality paint.

Hey, are you waiting for this?

Oh, yeah, I mean-- go
ahead, it's all good.

No, no.

It's cool.

We can just work in.

Oh, OK.

Yeah.

Cool, yeah.

I'm Ethan.

Oh, Brian.

Awesome.

Great to meet such a nice guy.

So are you here to
impress the ladies,

or to look at the ladies?

No, I got a girlfriend.

Yeah, but when has that
stopped anybody before?

Am I right?

No, I'm fully committed, man.

So by fully committed
you mean, what, 60%, 70%?

100%: .

So then like, 80% maybe?

So yeah, I've probably
got another five years

or so to pay off my car.

What do you drive?

Got some massive loan
you can't afford?

No, actually.

The car is fully paid for.

I've been saving up since
I was 10, mowing lawns.

That's great.

Really is great.

You watch movies much?

You seem like the
kind of guy who

would waste a whole Saturday
watching mindless television.

No.

Actually, I don't even own a TV.

I spend most of my
Saturdays just helping

out at the soup kitchen.

That's great.

This is the rowing
machine, right?

He's like the offspring
of Taylor Swift

and-- I don't know,
Channing Tatum.

What?

He's perfect, OK?

They're the perfect couple.

How am I supposed to
break these two up?

[SLOW JAZZ PLAYING]

Stop squirming.

I can't breathe.

We are not leaving
here until you have

found yourself a nice girl.

Wayne, did you ask around?

To see if there are
any girls who would

like to dance with Mitchell?

That sounds like
Mitchell's job, honey.

Do you really want to
leave Mitchell's future

in the hands of Mitchell?

Of course not.

MITCHELL'S MOM: Don't you
want him out of the house?

More than anything.

I can hear you.

And I would like to
pick my own girls.

Fine.

Who do you pick?

None of them.

Why?

They're all snooty.

They are refined, like sugar.

But you won't
let me have sugar.

Well, tonight you
are off your diet.

Figuratively.

Now get out there,
pick any one you want.

They're all better than
what you find at college.

Do you want to dance?

Oh, no thank you.

Good.

Yeah, so if we get
married, I would prefer

to have a room for my iguana.

He likes to roam.

I hope our kids get my eyebrows.

D09gy pocket?

What?

I see you're saving
the carrots for later.

No, I have an iguana.

You have an iguana?

What kind?

It's a green iguana.

I have one too.

Oh!

Oh.

So, do you like these parties?

They're torture.

The food, the music.

[GAGGING]

Is this sugar-free lemonade?

Yeah.

The largest size they
have in the gift shop here

is a size four.

They discourage sugar.

Not completely.

You know there's a fine
for wearing the wrong color

white on a tennis court?

$1,000 per shade.

You see that guy over there?

Yeah.

He's been in therapy since
he broke his nine iron.

Is that guy a vampire?

I mean, really.

Look at him.

He looks like a vampire.

I mean, that or there's too
much chlorine in the pool.

[BOTH LAUGH]

And that's when I
caught my first Pikachu.

(CHUCKLING) You're cute.

I love this song.

Should we dance?

We have to go.

You are grounded.
- What?

Why?

Your eyes are sugar dilated.

Mr. Cooper?

Yeah.

Right this way.

MITCHELL'S MOM:
He's already saying

that he's in love with her.

And what's your main
problem with the girl?

She's a food server.

He's selling himself short.

Currently, we don't want him
out of the house that badly.

Well, you should
know I don't have

any experience with breaking
up boys from their girlfriends.

It's always been the
other way around.

The job should be easy.

The girl is awful.

She wears an apron.

(QUIETLY) Polyester.

I like polyester.

I have a meeting.

That's fine.

I think we can handle this
without your scoffing.

It was nice meeting you.

Oh, you too.

Thanks.

He's a record producer?

Yes, with tremendous
connections.

There is no reason Mitchell
should be settling.

OK, yeah.

I get it.

Mess this up, and
I'll make sure you

never get another job for the
women at the country club.

Or I can recommend you, and
you'll be booked for months.

[NERVOUS CHUCKLE]

MITCHELL'S MOM: So do
you write your own songs?

Yeah.

I mean, well, some of the them.

Impressive.

Have you done
anything with them?

Just singing them at the
Green Lady to about 30 people

a night.

Waiting for that
big break, huh?

Yeah.

Yeah, maybe one day.

I, uh, met your boyfriend.

Brian?

Yep.

HOW?

We work out together.

He told me he goes to
the club to see you sing.

Yeah, he does.

Great guy.

EMILY: He sure is.

The best.

I think so.

You know his teeth are capped?

It makes me wonder what
really lies under there.

What?

Nothing, I'm just,
uh-- oh, did somebody

leave their partially digested
set of fireplace pokers here?

(LAUGHING) Why,
you don't like it?

You do?

Yeah.

You know, the title is perfect.

It's called "Love."

"Love?"

Yeah, you don't think
this looks like love?

Well, I mean, if
you're in a relationship

with a garbage man.

Well, I think it looks
exactly like love.

You know, up close it's all so
weird and defective and messy.

But when you take a
step back, as a whole?

It's beautiful.

I'm singing Thursday night.

Would you like to come?

Ethan?

Yes, I'd love to.

Great, you can bring
your girlfriend.

My girlfriend?

Right.

Because I have one of those.

Mitchell, this is Ethan.

I've hired him as
your confidence coach.

Wait, what?

They're very common these days.

Nice to meet you, Mitchell.

I don't need this.

My confidence is fine.

Look, I dressed myself today.

I will arrange for a
wardrobe consultant ASAP.

MITCHELL: Why are you here?

Your mom thinks
that I can help you.

You can't.

I don't need you.

Not now.

Trisha, she makes me
feel good about myself.

She's all I need.

Yes, but is Trisha a
licensed confidenceologist?

I don't care if she's
a licensed witch doctor.

I love her.

That brings up a good point.

How--

Whoa, whoa.

My iguana doesn't like you
touching his sweater vest.

My bad.

How well do you
really know Trisha?

Well, I met her in person once.

And we Skype and text a lot.

In fact, we did a double
date just the other day

with our iguanas.

But again, skYPe-

So you haven't been
on a date alone.

No.

Then how do you know
what horrific things

have yet to be uncovered?

There are none with Trisha.

But I suppose I should
go out with her.

Mmhm.

Yeah, definitely.

To be honest, it actually
makes me kind of nervous.

So it sounds like you
need some confidence, huh?

Tell you what.

I'll go with you.

Wouldn't that be kind of
weird with the three of us?

I have a girlfriend.

We'll double.

YES.

Yes!

ETHAN: OK, so how
about 5:00 on Tuesday?

Yes!

So much yes.

Great.

I'll be here at
4:45 to make sure

that you're not wearing this.

Are we looking
at the same shirt?

Lexie, you got a J-Qb-

I need a fake girlfriend
tomorrow night.

Great.

It might be a
little tough, though.

It's Mitchell and Trisha.

They're socially abnormal.

They obviously can't
see traditional flaws.

So you want to try the
bleak future approach?

Yeah, I think
that's the way to go.

Cool.

How much is the job?

Oh, Lexie, this is
the golden ticket.

Really?

Do tell.

My client is loaded, and she
has a lot of loaded friends.

We could be swimming in mega
dough by the end of the year.

Ooh, I've never made
15% of mega dough before.

That's because I pay you 10%.

Yeah, but that was before you
were swimming in mega dough.

I do 90% of the
work, you get 10%.

Accidentally double booked
us on weddings this weekend.

You think you can break one
of the couples up real quick?

Are you gonna pay me?

Do I get an employee discount?

Yeah.

1D°/o.

WAITRESS: And for you?

Can I get the chicken
fingers and the French fries

and a glass of milk?

I'm sorry, sir.

That item isn't on
the regular menu.

I know.

I want it off the kids menu.

You're kidding me.

That's exactly what
I was gonna order.

Two, please.

Two.

OK.

You guys are so compatible.

You think?

Oh, yeah.

Perfect for each other.

But have you discover
the jigsaw puzzle yet?

The what?

You guys are two pieces
of a jigsaw puzzle,

and no two pieces of the
puzzle are exactly alike.

But two pieces that are next
to each other align perfectly.

It's like me and Ethan.

We compliment each
other so well,

my strengths are his weaknesses.

ETHAN: And vice versa.

Which is perfect for when we
get married, because we already

know our roles.

Like, I'm the one who's gonna
be decorating the walls.

Because I have no clue.

And he's the one who's gonna
be filling out all the estate

tax regovernance forms.

Because she has no clue.

So if you guys got
married, which one of you

would file the estate
tax regovernance forms?

I don't know what those are.

Neither do I.

That's OK, don't
worry about it.

You just need to
learn a little Latin.

ETHAN: Just a tad.

LEXIE: So which one of
you is good with cooking?

Well, I can make ice.

I have Pizza Hut on speed dial.

MG '.00.

Good.

And which one of you know which
fertilizer you use on the lawn

to make it exactly the right
concentration of nitrate

so that your kids don't
poison themselves when they

play in the front yard and die?

Uh, I don't know anything.

I have no idea.

Oh.

I guess--

I guess they could
just stay indoors.

Like taking candy from a baby.

This is gonna be the
easiest split up in history.

Should we give them
more time to worry

about the future of America
if they end up together?

No.

I think they've had
enough time to freak out.

That's so wild.

What's going on?

We just found out the
most incredible thing.

What?

We both love stargazing.

Wow.

Really?

It's like we're
made for each other.

Especially considering
the 0% of people

who hate looking at stars.

[PIANO TUNE PLAYING]

(SINGING) Ooh, nights are
long since you went away.

I think about you
all through the day.

My buddy, my buddy,
nobody quite so true.

Miss your voice, the
touch of your hand.

Just long to know
that you understand.

My buddy, my bllddY-

[MUSIC FADES]

Was she really that
good, or was she

Ethan's Emily version of good?

Everybody loved her, and
she writes her own music.

SAM: Does she have
a record deal?

Uh, no.

But that's her dream.

Hey, isn't Mitchell's
dad a record producer?

ETHAN: Yeah.

So why don't you
introduce them?

Doesn't seem appropriate.

What?

You afraid you
might not like her?

Psh, impossible.

You're afraid he
will, and then she'll

get successful and leave.

No.

[PHONE DINGS]

SAM: Are you gonna go after
her when you break her up?

That's probably
not gonna happen.

They're way too
good for each other.

Lexie, we got another job.

What is it?

A sailboat day with
Brian and Emily.

Are you in?

I want a raise.

ETHAN: How much?

30°/o.

What?

That's crazy.

I need more cash.

I want to start my own business.

By bankrupting mine?

That's what family's for.

Come on, Ethan.

Pay the woman what she's worth.

Why do you even care?

I've always been a champion
for the underemployed.

You once tipped a
pizza delivery guy

in sunflower seeds.

They're very tasty.

Lexie, you're just
going to have to patient.

The money is coming, OK?

What, because of the golden
ticket country club lady?

Last time I checked, her two
lovebirds were holding hands

and watching stars.

It's not looking
promising, Ethan.

I'll get them.

I always have.

Yeah, well, just
in case, I want 30%.

You don't think I can train
any girl off the streets

to do what you do?

30°/o.

I don't need you as
badly as you think.

[DOOR SLAMS]

I really need her.

Yeah.

How are you gonna find a
girlfriend in seven hours?

[SIGHS]

[KNOCKING]

Ethan.

So, how did you guys meet?

Do you want to tell it, or--?

Sure, yeah.

We were in the park,
and I was walking--

No, no.

No, she's talking about
the first time that we met.

OK, well-- you know what?

Why don't you just tell it?

OK, so we were both 7.

And I lived in another town, but
our schools went on field trips

with each other.

We were at the Children's
Museum in the planetarium,

and we all have these reclining
seats so we could lay back

and look at the stars.

But my seat didn't work,
and so Ethan-- who was two

rows back-- he came up to me.

And he had this cute
little red baseball tee on.

And I was wearing--
what was I wearing?

Um, that um, uh--

It was a cute black dress.

Yes, a cute black dress.

Wait, or was it yellow?

It was yellow.

Right.

Kind of a yellowish black.

You don't-- you don't
remember this, do you.

Sorry.

No, I-- I, uh.

Anyway, Ethan gave
me his seat, and he

said it was because the
stars made him nauseous.

But I know he was
just being nice.

I mean, what
seven-year-old does that?

Oh, how sweet you guys.

And I should have known there
was something special about him

then.

But you know, I kind
of forgot about him,

and then we didn't talk.

And then we met
back up at the park.

With our dogs.

You know, and sometimes
you're lucky enough

to get a second chance
with the right one.

A shooting star!

Usually shooting stars
are gone in half a second.

I bet it's just a
really fast plane.

Really fast plane
are so romantic.

Uh, whatcha doing there?

This is my angle.

Lay back this way.
-(GRUNTING) Oh.

OK.

Got it.

So good.

You guys.

So how did you guys meet?

OK, OK.

We were at the gym and
she didn't have a spotter,

so I just came over
and-- thank goodness

she was being irresponsible.

You know, don't you love
how that stuff just happens?

When I was looking for a
seatmate, I found a soulmate.

Oh.

Wow.

And now I love him
more than my own life.

Oh, don't say that.

No, I do.

Well, people say it, but
is it ever really true?

You doubt my love for you?

No, absolutely not.

That is the one
thing I'm certain of.

No, nuh uh.

Because I would throw
myself overboard for you.

Yeah, if I was drowning.

But I don't--
- No, no.

I'm not talking about
if you were drowning.

I'm talking about
right here, right now.

I would throw myself overboard
for absolutely no reason

to prove to you that I love you.

How would that prove
that you love me?

- You don't believe me?
- Oh, hey.

Be careful.

No, I know you Ethan.

You're a man of
action, not words.

I love words.

I don't even know
what that means.

No, you want me to show
you how much I love you?

ETHAN: Veronica, please.
Sit down.

(SHOUTING) No!

Ethan, you need your own
epiphany, just like the one

I had at the children's museum!

ETHAN: What?!
No!

No!

[SPLASH]

Jump in after me, Ethan!

Really?

Prove to me your love!

I would normally,
but it's cold.

I have a life saver.

Hey, catch.

I've got dry
clothes in the car.

I'm gonna go.

OK.

So.

Yeah, sorry about that.

She gets a little
emotional at times.

A little?

But I still like her.

I mean, she really loves you.

I guess.

You know, it must be nice.

ETHAN: What?

To have that kind of
passion for someone.

So I had a dream about
Trisha last night.

Yeah?

What about?

She came to my house
in a shower curtain.

(CHUCKLING) Why?

I don't know, but
I woke up smiling.

I'm in love with her.

I am in love with her.

Every molecule in my body
right now is in love with her.

She deserves the best, the best.

And you think that's you?

I mean, you think you're
the best she can do?

Wow.

Wow.

ETHAN: What?

No.

No, I'm sorry.

I didn't--

That's an odd thing for
a confidence coach to say.

Yeah.
Yeah, it is.

That was lousy.

I'm sorry.

But you're right.

No, Mitchell, no I'm not.

She deserves better.

No, she doesn't.

No.

I mean, she could probably
get somebody real good.

Hello?

I'm a loser.

Emily?

What's the matter?

EMILY: It's been kind of obvious
for the past couple months

now-- obvious to me, not him.

Just completely blindsided him.

I mean, no one had ever
broken up with him before.

And why would anyone
ever break up with him?

He's this great guy.

He's like-- he's kind and
generous, he's handsome.

He was perfect, just
not perfect for me.

It's a whole new ball game.

Why would she call me after
breaking up with her boyfriend?

It's a whole new ball game.

I just met her a few weeks ago.

Why call me?

She wanted to tell you
it's a whole new ball game.

Come on, man.

The laundry basket is
less than 10 feet away.

Beast?

You-- you taught him
how to do laundry?

SAM: Apparently not.

So should I ask her out,
maybe just as friends?

You have no choice.

You have to ask her as friends.

Right, because it's too soon.

I have to give her time.

It's not that easy.

You got a girlfriend.

ETHAN: Yeah, I
have a girlfriend.

So how long do I have to wait
before I can break up with her?

Well, you wait too long, and
then Emily finds someone else.

And not waiting long enough
will seem opportunistic.

Right.

So you got to make sure
you're still in Emily's life

without making it seem like
you're cheating on Veronica.

Right.

I'll go to the jazz club.

She needs support.

Brian always used to be the
one who watched her sing.

Now it could be me.

I'll just show up as a friend.

That's a good strategy.

Hey, was Lexie flirting
with me the other day?

Stay away from my sister.

Why?

ETHAN: A list that long would
use up all my printer ink.

Miss Atkins, hey.

Well done, Ethan.

You worked faster than
I thought you could.

Uh, you know what, Miss Atkins?

I don't deserve this.

She broke up with Brian
without my help at all.

Nonsense.

Whatever you did, it worked.

It's part of our agreement.

I, uh-- I can't accept this.

Sorry.

Suit yourself.

Did you mention Thomas?

Thomas?

The guy I want her to marry.

No.

No?

That's OK.

I'll take it from here.

Now that Brian's gone,
it should be easy.

I'll wait.

But not too long.

(SINGING) I know it's true,
there's no one, dear, but you.

You're whispering why you'll
never leave me, whispering

why you'll never grieve me.

Whispering, say that you believe
me, whispering that I love you.

[APPLAUSE]

Hey.

I got to be honest with you.

I was never a big fan of jazz,
but you're changing my mind.

So I converted you.

Yeah.

I'm seriously
considering renouncing

my devotion to polka.

[EMILY LAUGHS]

So why were you here?

When?

The night that we met.

If you don't like
jazz, then why were

you in a jazz club by yourself?

I was outside walking on
my way to the drugstore,

and I heard you singing.

I just, uh-- had to come
in and figure out where

that sound was coming from.

Lo and behold, it was
coming from there.

Yeah, you know, I
lip sync to my songs.

No you don't.

You almost bought it.

Not even close.

So me and Brian were supposed
to go to the fair tomorrow,

and that's obviously
not happening.

So do you wanna hang out?

Sure.

Where are we going?

You'll see.

OK.

Well, before we start,
let's go in here.

My condolences on the breakup.

Oh, wow, that's very sweet.

Thank you.

But what am I supposed
to do with this?

What?

I mean, we're going
to be out all day.

Don't you think it'll probably
be dead before I get home?

Well, I--

At least get me a silk flower.

You know, I like
those better anyway.

Really?

Why?

Because you'll
always have them.

Like if you put it in a vase
and then you take a vacation,

when you get back, still there.

Charming as ever.

But real flowers
are so perfect.

Yeah, but in a month,
you'll have nothing.

Look, just save your money,
and buy me a gas card.

Or I could just buy
you a fake flower.

Silk flower.

Silk, excuse me.

So you really have
never been here before?

Nope.

But I drive past
it all the time.

I've always wondered what kind
of person shops for records.

Psh, well, now
you know it's you.

I never would have guessed it.

Did you know the
Count Basie met

his future wife Catherine
three times before they

even spoke to each other?

If that didn't say
Count Basie, then

I wouldn't even know who it is.

So I'm going to say no.

Well, when they finally did get
a chance to talk for a while,

he ended the conversation
with, one of these days,

I'm going to make you my wife.

And then seven
years later, he did.

It's just kind of
amazing how he always

just knew what he
wanted and never

took his eyes off the prize.

Seven yea rs, phew.

SO why jazz?

I don't know.

With jazz, there's
just this honesty

that you don't get with other
music, maybe except classical.

But jazz doesn't shy
away from the hard stuff,

but it makes you feel
better about the sad stuff.

So do you have sad stuff?

Of course.

Doesn't everyone?

Lost loves, unfulfilled
dreams, emptiness.

So why'd you move back here?

My dad died.

Work accident.

Yeah, I heard about that.

It's a small community.

Yeah, we have relatives
here, so we came back.

I'm sorry about your dad,
but I'm glad you're back.

Yeah.

Yeah, me too.

Feels like home.

You know, I had a crush
on you when I was little.

Yeah?

Me?

Yep.

Yeah, just a teeny one--
microscopic, really.

I remember you being in
the school spelling bee.

Mm, right.

Fifth grade.

Mmhm, YEP-

And I was rooting for you, but
it seemed like the moderator

was against you the whole time.

You got all the hard words.

Did I?

Yeah.

Yeah, it was ridiculous.

And then you went up against
Jeremy Monchak in the finals,

and I so wanted to
beat Jeremy Monchak.

It was tense, because he
got the word "legislature,"

and you got the
word "picturesque."

And then he got "deceitful,"
but he missed it.

And then you got the
word "auspicious,"

and you spelled it right.

I nearly stood up and screamed.

You remember the words
in the spelling bee?

Uh, it's strange what
you can recall, huh?

Yeah.

And that crush you had on
me, how long did that last?

Uh, it started
when I was about 8.

And it lasted until
I was-- I don't know.

24?

That's about the timeframe.

I'm just going
to grab my jacket.

I'll be two seconds.

OK.

EMILY: Yeah, sorry
about the mess.

I've just been really busy.

Haven't exactly had a
chance to clean yet.

No problem.

It's kind of like
its own art gallery,

if art was all made up of trash.

So she's a slob.

Her apartment looks like
it's inhabited by six

five-year-olds and a goat.

SAM: Thorn on the rose.

It was all I could think about.

A snag on the sweater vest.

ETHAN: What am I gonna do?

What's the problem?

Do you not get it?

All my life, I've dreamed
of myself with this girl.

So she's a little messy.

You're a perfect match.

You don't pay the electric bill,
and you'll never see the mess.

You know, it's just one thing.

EMILY: You know,
I don't know you

didn't want to come to my
apartment for movie night.

Oh, no reason.

[ENGINE REVS]

This car is so fun.

[KNUCKLES CRACKING]

What movie did you pick?

Movies.

You're going to love
them though, my favorite.

All five "Twilight" movies.

Woo!

[CRACKING]

Oh, yeah.

(WITH A FULL MOUTH)
Excuse me, I'm sorry.

Can you just give me more ice?

Thank you.

I usually root for Cambodia in
the Olympics because you know,

they have the cutest flag.

It was so painful.

It doesn't sound that bad.

Weren't you listening?

YES.

Did you hear the
part about how she

licks her ice can come from the
top down, never from the side?

Do you know how risky that is?

Oh my word, you have got
to stop with these lists.

They're useless.

They're a visual
representation of my misery.

Forget this.

You've wanted this girl
since the third grade.

ETHAN: I didn't really know her.

Sure you did.

Not the details.

OK, but of all the
things you believed

about her in the third
grade, how many of them

turned out to be true?

She's smart, talented, sweet.

She can make
friends with anyone.

She's fun.

She has a big heart.

She has the greatest laugh ever.

She's beautiful.

Exactly.

So you need a new list.

This is all that matters, Ethan.

ETHAN: So you really
like fast food, huh?

I love it.

If I could, I'd live off of
Taco Bell and Burger King.

Wouldn't you?

Come on.

I might throw something in with
some vitamins here and there.

Thanks for hanging
out with me lately.

Yeah, it's been great.

Yeah, it's been really nice
having company, you know?

[EMILY GIGGLES]

Look, I licked a leprechaun.

What?

I don't know.

A kid in third grade came
up to me and said that,

and I always thought
it was funny.

This isn't right.

What?

Why?

You have a girlfriend.

Exactly.

It's wrong.

And-- and I can't
do this to Veronica.

Hello?

What?

OK.

OK, I'll be right there.

Hey, uh, a friend
of mine needs help.

Do you want to come?

Yeah, what does
she need help with?

I don't know, but she's crying.

You're good at this.

Come on, let's go.

OK, tell me what happened.

He said something stupid about
how he doesn't deserve me.

EMILY: That doesn't
make any sense.

Of course it doesn't
make any sense.

It's a lie.

Obviously, he found
some other girl.

Do you really think that?

A boy like Mitchell
doesn't stay

on the market for very long.

You know Mitchell.

He's the best, right?

You guys know each other?

Yeah, Mitchell and I go back.

Did you see this coming?

TRISHA: I should've known
it was too good to be true.

His feelings for me?

It was a fantasy.

A fake.

A love like that only
exists in the stars.

Have you dressed
yourself for today?

No.

Do you even have
any clean clothes?

I don't really need any.

I'm not going anywhere.

Brian isn't worth going
into a tailspin over.

It's not Brian.

Oh, it's not?

No.

Good.

Then you're ready to move on.

Sort of.

We still going to
Jenny's engagement party?

I mean, it's at the
art gallery, so.

Good.

I'll introduce you
to some people.

(GROANING) I don't know.

Thomas is going to be there.

I am not interested.

Honey, it's time.

You need to find someone new.

For me?

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

TULLY: Ethan?

This just came for you.

ETHAN: Thanks.

And this just came for you.

Yes it did, yes it did.

Good boy.

Hello.

Rrr.

Who's a good doggy?

What's the matter with you?

I'm in love.

Me too, me too.

With a person.

I think I might actually
have a chance with Emily.

Cool.

That's kind of a dream
come true, isn't it?

Yeah, I know.

For the first time ever,
I'm starting to doubt her.

Well, of course you are.

This is the first time it
hasn't been just a fantasy.

But if you're in love,
what are you waiting for?

You can't love to
come fall in your lap.

You have to go get it.

Look, I've got to go.

Velma's dragging me to her
cousin's birthday party.

She wants to show off
her new face waxing.

She barely knows the girl.

By the way, she looks
like a glazed donut.

OK.

Hey, Tully?

How did you guyS get
together, anyway?

You have nothing
in common and all

you do is complain about her.

I'm not complaining about her.

The weird stuff is
what makes Velma Velma.

And yeah, she's got
a lot of quirks,

but that's all canceled
out by the fact

that she is the
coolest woman I know.

True love bleaches
out the blemishes.

That could be a Hallmark card.

I'm going to send that in.

Sam, I need you to
do something for me.

SAM: (ON PHONE) OK.

There's a party at the
art gallery tonight.

Lexie did the flowers
for it, and she told me

that Emily is gonna be there.

SAM: All right.

I want you to go there and tell
me how she looks-- you know,

her mood and stuff like that.

SAM: That sounds like
a weird assignment.

I'm gonna talk to
her tonight, Sam.

And I just need to know
she's ready for it.

SAM: Oh, Ethan.

She'll be ready.

Don't do anything stupid.

I'll be there in a bit.

[KNOCKING]

We need to talk.

OK.

[POURING]

Let me see the ring.

Congratulations.

Thank you.

Hello, Thomas.

Hello,

Mrs. Atkins.

Emily.

Nice to see you.

I'm really sorry.

I never meant to fall
for her, it just--

What was the problem?

Was it because I didn't
move fast enough?

Because I didn't kiss you first?

No, no, no.

No, not at all.

Well, I'm never gonna
find anyone as good as you.

Not true.

There are plenty of
good guys out there,

and you've got qualities
to attract them.

Like what?

Well, um, you're,
uh, persistent.

And you're easy
to hang out with.

Really pretty, of course.

Some guy is gonna wanna eat
that kiss right off your face.

Um, just not this guy.

Out.

OK.

[PHONE DINGS]

[APPLAUSE]

[BAND PLAYING IN BACKGROUND]

Hi.

Oh, Emily, you have
something in your teeth.

Just use the mirror in my purse.

Emily.

I have to talk to you.

I have to talk to you.

Well, let me go first.

What is she doing?

[GLASS SHATTERS]

Excuse me.

I just need your attention
for a couple moments.

I just want to congratulate
the happy couple.

Congratulations.

You know, what a perfect night--
two people in love deciding

to be together forever.

Is there anyone here
who would disagree

that that's not the most
perfect thing in all of life?

You know what?

I do know someone here who
would disagree with that.

Ethan Cooper.

Can I just take a
few moments to say

a couple things about Ethan?

No, no, no.

Wait, this-- this pertains
to you, I promise.

I know everything there is
to know about Ethan Cooper.

I've been faithfully stalking
him for six months now.

And tonight, it all
becomes worth it,

because I can read you some
excerpts from my journal.

OK, May 12th.

"Ethan was hired to
break up Ginny Dotson

from her boyfriend, Mike.

May 31st, Ginny Dotson
broke up with Mike today."

He does this all the time.

This is what Ethan
Cooper does for a living.

He's a matchbreaker.

Mothers and fathers
hire Ethan to break up

their children with
boyfriends and girlfriends

that they don't like.

"June 18th, Ethan was hard
to break Mitchell Tilten up

with his girlfriend, Trisha."

See, he does this all the time.

Emily, that's what
he's doing with you.

And he used me to help.

And the worst part
is I knew what

he was doing the whole time.

I knew that he just using me to
help break up Emily and Brian,

but I convinced myself
that he cared about me.

Not because I had
any evidence of that,

I just thought you
were a better man.

I've got more.

Uh, "August 18th.

Ethan worse boxers
with ducks on them."

OK, I'm done.

[GLASS SHATTERS]

I don't love you.

[SMACK]

[SMACK]

[GRUNTS]

[STOMP]

[FLICK]

Those were my boxers.

[MUSIC - TONY FERRARI, "BY MY
5105"]

LYRICS: Oh, when I see you
standing in the shadows,

I wonder why you hide
your pretty face away.

When I hear you
calling out my name,

you know I do it all to
make things right for you.

And when I feel you
shining like you shine,

that's when I know where
I'm supposed to be when

you're standing by my side.

OK, you can do this.

You've done apologies before.

You've just got to go say, hey.

It's really easy.

This is fine.

[SIGHS]

Dagnabbfi.

I, uh-- I just wanted to come
by and say how sorry I am.

I was an idiot, and I know--

[DOOR SLAMS]

Chapter closed.

MRS. ATKINS: Emily.

I don't want to see you.

I'm sorry.

I can't believe
you would do that.

It was a mistake.

I can live my own life.

I know.

I'm sorry.

I don't want your apology.

I didn't come here
for your forgiveness.

I'm hoping for
that at some point,

but I realize it's not
going to happen right now.

Then why are you here?

I have to tell you something.

What?

He didn't take the money.

Ethan, before you found out
what he did for a living,

he refused the check.

He actually seems
like a fine young man.

For what it's worth, he
didn't take the money.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

I need to talk to Mitchell.

We're eating dinner right now.

Yeah, well, it
really can't wait.

Sorry to interrupt your dinner,
but I need to borrow Mitchell.

MITCH ELL'S MOM: What?

I can't accept this.

What do you mean?

I'm closing my business.

Come with me.

Oh, there's a girl that sings
at The Green Lady Lounge,

and she'll be there tonight.

Here name is Emily Atkins,
and you have to see her.

She's fantastic.

You're missing out
on a lot of money.

ETHAN: I know.

Have a nice dinner.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

(SINGING) After you get what
you want, you don't want it.

If I gave you the moon,
you'd grow tired of it soon.

You're like a baby.

You want what you
want when you want it.

OK, so how did it happen?

Ethan went into his
house and dragged him out.

To get you back together?

Yeah.

Mitchell's mom was so mad.

(SINGING) You're whispering
why you'll never leave me.

Whispering why you'll
never grieve me,

whispering, say that
you'll believe me.

Whispering that I love you.

[APPLAUSE]

Looking for a job?

Yep.

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

But it appears that my skill
set is a bit, um, niche.

Hmm.

I bet.

You know, a record producer
came to the lounge last night.

Really?

Did you talk to him?

He wants a demo.

That's great.

I guess I have to make a demo.

Yeah, that's fantastic.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's-- I'm really excited.

You deserve it.

Getting Trisha and Mitchell
back together, that cost you.

Didn't it?

The things you do for love.

Yeah.

Why are you sitting here?

I'm a jerk, a schemer, a
professional heartbreaker.

An idiot.

Yeah, that too.

So why would you
sit down with me?

Because love sees
past the imperfections.

Sam?

You OK?

Shh.

Sam?

I thought that was
you running in.

Why are you in such a hurry?

I was just looking
for some flowers.

Well, it's really great that
I ran into you, because I

want to invite you to my party.

Oh.

Oh, you know, I'm
actually busy that night.

Really?

Doing what?

I'm, uh, going out on a
date with my girlfriend.

Your girlfriend's Lexie?

Yeah.

We're really serious.

Incredibly serious.

We've actually kissed on the
lips like seven times already.

We'll probably kiss again
when we go on our date.

Not at your party.

Oh, OK.

I'm sorry, I didn't realize.

Don't worry about it.

Yeah, um, thanks
for the invite.

Sure.

See you later.

Bye.

Hmm.

So you want me to pretend
I'm your girlfriend too?

I don't know, you're kind
of expensive, like 30%.

Well, for the right guy,
I might do it for free.

Should we practice?

I'd like that.

TULLY: Kissy, kissy, kissy.

Tully, what are you doing here?

I was fixing your,
um-- your, uh.

You're here for the dog.

He missed me.

Hey.

Hey.

You look different.

Oh yeah, I got a new
doggy razor for Beast,

but I tried it on myself
first because his skin is

so sensitive.

Well, you look great.

TULLY: Thanks.

Whatcha you doing here?

I'm fixing your,
uh-- your, uh--

He's here for the dog.

He missed me.

Oh, OK.

You know, you guys
need each other.

Why don't you just take him?

Yeah?

ETHAN: Yeah.

Did you hear that, Beast?

You're coming home with me.

Velma is gonna love you.

You guys kinda
look the same, too.

Oh, hey, a box came for you.

EMILY: Cool.

LEXIE: Nice.

I could probably use this.

Why?

Because of your annoying
habit of being so adorable.

Yeah.

I'm reading this first.

Lexie.

I have an idea.

How about we go to
the park, reading

my book aloud while
simultaneously

listening to your CD?

Hmm.

Can it immediately be followed
by watching a "Twilight" movie

of your choice?

Hmm, that's far too much
excellence in one night.

I think you're right.

Let's go straight for the movie.

It's time to top off the
night with some Team Jacob.

Edward.

Team Edward.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

LYRICS: Oh, I
poked a bees' nest.

Now I've gone and done it.

I took a good thing
and messed it up.

All those things I
wish I didn't do,

but I'd take the fall as
long as is it's for you.

Uh, now I'm gonna have
to get my act together.

ETHAN: Tell me
about your daughter.

For starters, she's
socially awkward.

At one time, she was very
interested in, uh, manicuring.

She's really fashionable,
and he never matches

his belt with the shoes.

You give her a
science book, and she's

[INAUDIBLE] human chemistry.

ETHAN: So how did
she get a boyfriend?

We have no idea.

ETHAN: How did they meet?

She picked him up on
the side of the road.

Hitchhiking.

She was on her
skateboard, and that's

where she met this, um, fellow.

Kind of a turd in a
punchbowl kind of thing.

I hate to confess, but I
actually tried to pay the guy

off to get him to leave.

How much did you
offer him, honey?

Not enough.

He recently got her into
anime and that is not OK.

I don't even think that
they talked at all together.

When he came over--

They were texting
across the table.

He's a little bit of a bum.

I mean, she's a great girl.

She deserves a great guy.

He wants to breed ants.

I'm not really fond
of his skateboard.

Who breeds ants?

Long term is what
I'm worried about.

I mean, how are they gonna
provide for my grandchildren?

We need you.

We really need your help.

We love our daughter.

She's awkward, but we love her.

They've got to be broken up.

When could you start?

[MUSIC PLAYING]