Original subtitles

Captioning sponsored by PARAMOUNT PICTURES

Captioning sponsored by PARAMOUNT PICTURES

* Here, there's hills of desert cheap wine *

* Here, there's psychic mocha hotline *

* I'm feeling nothing

* It feels fine

* I'm feeling nothing

* Mo... jo

* Mojo in the sunshine

* Mud slide

* Free-range chocolate shoeshine *

* I'm feeling nothing

* It feels fine

* I'm feeling nothing

* For all to shine.

( siren blaring )

MAN: Well, that's what's brilliant about you, Mr. Feldman.

No one else would have thought of building

a residential mini-mall.

Now that I've got everyone else on the block

to agree to your offer, I think we're...

It's got to be everyone on the block-- everyone--

or the deal's off.

Oh, we're headed into the canyon.

I think I'm losing you.

Mr. Feldman.

Cut the crap, Dittmeyer.

Did you get everyone or not?

Well, there's this one family that's holding out.

Then sweeten the deal.

Up the offer.

It's not that simple.

It's like they're not interested in money.

It's like they're not normal.

Why the hell not?

What's their story?

* Here's the story of a lovely lady *

* Who was bringing up three very lovely girls *

* All of them had hair of gold like their mother *

* The youngest one in curls

* It's a story of a man named Brady *

* Who was busy with three boys of his own *

* They were four men living all together *

* Yet they were all alone

* Till the one day when the lady met this fellow *

* And they knew that it was much more than a hunch *

* That this group must somehow form a family *

* That's the way we all became the Brady Bunch *

* The Brady Bunch

* The Brady Bunch

* That's the way we became the Brady Bunch. *

( sighs )

( heavy metal music playing )

( grunts )

Don't worry about me.

I'm okay.

Morning, Mrs. Brady.

Oh, thanks, Alice.

Morning, Alice.

Careful, Mr. Brady. Don't bend over.

We've gotten

the Dittmeyers' mail again, sweetheart.

You'd think, after all these years

they'd know who lives where.

Well, I always know where to deliver my mail.

Mr. Brady...

( lisping ): Mommy, Marcia's been

in the bathroom for a super-long time.

Now, Cindy, we've told you before--

no one likes a tattletale.

But, Daddy...

Your father's right, sweetheart.

Why don't you

help Alice make some cookies?

Okay, Mommy.

But can my doll help, too?

As long as it's not Betsy Wetsy.

She makes my cookies soggy woggy.

Oh, Alice.

Mmm.

4,998...

Come on, Marcia, open up.

I've got to shave.

4,999...

Gosh, Marcia, there are other people in this family

besides you.

5,000.

JAN: Come on, Marcia.

Doug Simpson's sure to notice me today.

All finished.

Finally.

Greg.

Jan, you're just going to have to wait your turn.

It's never my turn.

Jan, did you move my trophies?

Yes. I couldn't look in the mirror

without seeing the awards of the great Marcia Brady.

( clears throat )

I believe these are my white kneesocks.

Not everything in this room is yours.

See, Jan? I told you they were mine.

Now, put them back, and don't forget to close

the drawer when you're done.

She has every right to be mad.

They are her socks.

But why does Marcia get all the socks?

Why does Marcia get all the trophies?

Why does Marcia get all the good drawers?

Yeah. Why does Marcia get everything?

Marcia, Marcia, Marcia.

It's closed!

Come on, Greg. Hurry up.

( voice cracking ): Boy, he's worse than Marcia.

Hmm.

Hey, what's wrong with your voice?

Well, my libido is increasing at a rapid rate

and the surge of hormones

causes dramatic physical and emotional changes.

Well, that's what Miss Lynley told us in health class.

Finally.

Yeah.

Well, you kids have no idea what it takes to impress a chick.

Maybe, someday, when you're older

you'll get hip to what it's like being a man.

Good news, Greg.

I'm putting on your favorite Scooby Doo bedsheets.

( laughing )

Scooby Dooby doo!

Honey, I think you've stirred that enough.

I'm not stirring.

I'm looking for Kitty Carryall's underpants.

I tell you what.

Why don't I take over the cookies,

and you run these letters to the Dittmeyers

and see if they've gotten any of our mail by mistake.

Okay, Mommy.

( siren blaring )

Missy,

get your butt-ugly face down here!

Hello, Eric. Are your parents home?

Blow off, cheeseball.

Missy!

Shut up before you have a toxic dump.

Hello, Missy.

How's your science project coming?

I finished mine.

What are you going to do?

Hand in your face and call it barf mold?

( imitating lisp ): Thee you on the theethaw, Thindy.

Bye.

( tires screeching )

Look, Mr. Feldman, I promised they'd sell, and they will.

Like the Bates deal.

Yeah, I know I took it in the rear

on that subdivision, but this time,

I'm the one who's doing the screwing.

Yeah, well, just make sure one holdout family

doesn't wreck this. You hear me?

Look, can I call you back?

Yeah. Thanks.

Hello, Mr. Dittmeyer.

Why are you here?

Oh.

Thanks.

Mom asked me to ask you

if there's mail for us here by mistake.

I... I don't understand you.

What do you want?

Mom asked me to ask you

if there's any mail for us here by mistake.

What?

Mom asked me to ask you

if there's any mail for us here by mistake.

Nope. Not a clue.

She wants the Bradys' mail, Larry!

Thank you, darling.

So kind of you to climb out from under your hangover.

Let's see. Where did I file your mail?

Oh, yes.

Hi, honey.

Hi.

How's your daddy?

He's fine.

Mrs. Brady's lucky

to have a big, strong, virile man like that.

Tell you what, sweetie.

Next Christmas, you tell you daddy

I'd be more than happy to wrap his package.

Okay.

Here. Hit the road, bad seed.

Excuse me, but the juice will make your shoes slip.

( laughing ): What?

Your shoes'll slip in the juice.

Oh.

Bye.

Bye-bye.

( laughing )

Daddy, Mrs. Dittmeyer said that she'd be glad

to wrap your package this Christmas.

Hmm... really?

How is Mrs. Dittmeyer?

Mr. Dittmeyer says she's overhung.

But he's not in a good mood

because she's taking it in the rear.

Must be that paperboy again.

Cindy, that's Mr. Dittmeyer's business.

Remember, nobody likes a snitch.

I'm not a snitch.

I just tell it like it is.

You know, Cindy, when you tattle on someone,

you're not just telling on them.

You're telling on yourself.

And, by tattling on someone,

you're really just telling them,

"I'm a tattletale."

Now, is that the tale you want to tell?

I never thought of it like that.

Sweetheart, it's time to get

your school things together, honey.

Okay, Mommy.

Hmm...

What is it, Mike?

It's a letter from the county.

They say we haven't paid our property taxes.

Haven't paid our taxes?

We always pay our taxes.

Well, they say it's the fifth notice

and we owe them $20,000 by the end of the week

or they'll auction our house.

$20,000?!

There has to be a mix-up.

Well, we better call someone.

We are?

You do?

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

I see.

We should?!

You are?!

Uh-huh.

All right. Good-bye.

( sighs )

We owe them.

Oh, Mike.

Well, don't you worry, honey.

We'll find the money.

Find the money?

But we used our savings

to go to the Grand Canyon and Hawaii.

What are we going to do, Mike?

Okay, troops...

time for school!

Greg!

Marcia!

Peter!

Jan!

Bobby!

Cindy!

Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh!

Do we always have to walk so close?

ALL: Oh, Jan.

Uh... Mom, can I borrow your car today?

I want to ask Donna Leonard

to go out for a soda after school.

All right, but no hot-rodding.

Thanks, Mom.

She's the most far-out chick in my class.

You wouldn't believe

how much I dig her.

Sure, I would.

I've been digging Sam so long,

by the time he proposes,

I'll be six feet under.

( all laughing )

Oh, Alice, what would we do without you?

Probably eat out.

( all laughing )

Hey, why the long face, Bobby?

Well, ever since I became a safety monitor

at school...

nobody will talk to me.

They think I'm some kind of fink.

Bobby, people like to be corrected

when they're doing something wrong.

That's how we improve ourselves.

Right, Dad.

And, if your sister would wear her glasses,

she just might improve her eyesight.

Marcia doesn't have to wear glasses.

Besides, all my friends at school

say glasses make me look positively goofy.

Now, honey, you look very lovely with your glasses on.

Doesn't she, kids?

Far out, Jan. Yeah. Yeah.

GREG: You look great.

Yeah, I mean it. Outtasight.

( all murmuring agreement )

MIKE: All right, troops, off to school.

CAROL: Good-bye.

Have a good day.

GREG: Bye, Mom. Bye, Dad.

Bye, Mom.

Come on, Marcia.

I'm coming.

Jan, a real friend

likes you for who you are,

not what's on your face.

If you judge your friends

for passing judgment on you,

you're not only judging yourself

you're judging your friends for judging you.

And that would be using bad judgment.

I never thought of it that way.

CAROL: Jan?

Oh.

Bye.

CAROL: Bye, honey.

( sighs )

Bye, Bobby.

Bye, Jan.

Oh!

Oh! Oh!

( loud crash )

Ow!

( dog barking )

( horn honking )

( tires screeching )

Stupid little punk kid, stay out

of the road!

( brakes screeching )

( horn honking )

Davy Jones is the most.

I sure wish he'd write back.

I wrote him over a month ago.

But, Marcia, he gets millions of letters.

But I president of his fan club

and I invited him

to entertain at the school dance.

A big rock star like that

can't just drop everything for our dance.

Geez, you can be so silly sometimes.

Everybody out. This is a carjack.

Well, of course this is a car.

But my name's not Jack-- it's Greg.

And this is my sister Marcia.

Hi.

And you are?

Eddie. Wait a minute. Didn't you hear me?

Get out now!

This is a carjacking.

Greg, I think he has a flat tire.

He must need a jack.

Sorry, Eddie.

We don't have a jack.

But don't worry. I'll call AAA

as soon as we get to school.

It was so nice to meet you.

Bye-bye.

( horn honking )

MAN: Hey, you moron!

Out of the way, jerk!

Now, don't worry about the house, honey.

I'm sure Mr. Phillips will advance me the money.

Oh, of course he will.

You're the best player on his team.

Mmm. Go get 'em, tiger.

Tiger... Tiger...

Whatever happened to that dog?

Ha! Brady.

Morning, Larry.

You know, I was just reading about some beautiful property

available up in Utah.

I'll bet you'd feel right at home there.

Blue skies, clean living, Osmonds.

Thanks, Larry, but I'm still not interested in moving.

I love this house.

Carol loves it, the kids love it, Alice loves it.

It was our first house all together.

Half a mil-- take it or leave it.

Like I said, there's nothing that could get us to sell.

I designed this house myself.

It's in perfect condition.

Carol thinks so, the kids think so, Alice thinks so.

Sorry.

Well, you can't blame a guy for trying, huh?

( laughing )

Putz.

Uh... excuse me, Mr. Dittmeyer...

but, as a member of the safety patrol,

I must warn you that your hedge is overgrown

and can block the view of the street

for oncoming traffic.

I know this because I was on my bike

and checked out the sight lines myself.

Hmm. Well, you see, Billy...

Bobby.

Like it matters.

I grew my hedge tall for a reason.

So I wouldn't have to see your family.

Thank you for your concern.

( horn honking )

( glass breaking )

MAN: Loco! Loco!

( alarm blaring )

You are standing too close to the vehicle.

* I've seen the future, and this is... *

( horn honking )

* ...warmer, girl

* Making the music softer...

See you later.

Hey, there, groovy chick.

Oh, great.

Do I look like a yellow, fuzzy baby bird to you?

Hey, that's funny, Donna.

You know, you are really happening in a far-out way.

How about you and me

going out for a soda after school?

Sorry. I got a step class.

If you're having problems with your steps

maybe you should let me carry your books to history class.

I can hold my own books, and it's not history--

it's "herstory."

Wow.

Hi, everybody.

* A goddess on a mountaintop

* Was burnin' like a silver flame... *

Hey, Marcia.

Hello, Doug Simpson.

* And Venus was her name...

God, she drives me crazy!

DOUG: I got to have that.

I live next door to her.

And she's harder to get into

than a Pearl Jam concert.

What are you guys talking about?

Just how twisted the Bradys are.

Especially Marcia.

What a retro-wannabe.

I think Peter's a babe.

Well, in a Gilligan sort of way.

What, are you nuts?

( bell rings )

Biology.

Take notes.

What?

* Wow!

* She's got it

* Yeah, baby, she's got it...

( sighs )

Hi, Marcia.

Hi.

Oh, guess what? My mom said I can sleep over.

Oh, really?

That's great, Noreen. Guess what else.

Doug just said hi to me.

He is so dreamy, isn't he?

Yeah, I guess.

( signs )

If you like

that sort of thing.

So, can I carry your books to class?

Sure, Noreen.

After all, you are my best friend.

Uh-oh.

Here comes Doug.

Go away.

Sure.

No, no. Stay.

Okay.

No, no. Leave.

Fine.

No, no. Stay.

And pretend I just said

something really funny.

What? Oh.

( laughing )

DOUG: Hi, Marcia.

( laughs and snorts )

What's up?

Oh. Um... hi, Doug.

Listen, I was just wondering,

if you're not doing anything

Friday night, maybe you'd like to go

to the dance with me.

Sure. That would be a blast.

Cool. You'll hear from me.

Great.

He's so outtasight.

( sighs )

Oh, my gosh!

I just remembered.

What?

I already told Charlie

I would go to the dance with him.

So?

So I can't go out with two boys at once.

I like Charlie, but Doug is so cute.

And, after all, he is the big man on campus.

Noreen, what am I going to do?

This is the worst mess I've ever gotten myself into.

The worst!

Oh...

My life is over!

( bell rings )

TEACHER: So, that is what males experience

during the onset of puberty.

Now, as far as the young women are concerned...

First, we begin with ovulation and its effect

on the female body.

( snoring )

Peter?

Yes, Miss Lynley?

Why don't you come up here

and take the pointer... and we will trace

the path of the ovum through the fallopian tube,

where the uterine lining is flushed through the vagina.

Ohh...

Oh! Peter!

Peter!

So, Jan, what can I help you with?

Teen pregnancy?

Bulimia?

Suicidal tendencies?

No. It's my stupid glasses.

Oh.

I know I should wear them.

I look at myself in the mirror every morning

and I say to myself, "Jan, put on your glasses."

But then I say, "You look like a super creep.

Take them off."

It's like my head tells me to do different things

and I get very confused.

Inner voices?

Good. That's good.

Let's explore that.

What does she mean, "inner voices"?

I don't think that's any of her business.

But it's her job to ask questions.

You are so dumb.

I don't have "inner voices."

Now, Jan,

paranoid schizophrenia is very common

amongst children of blended families.

You are the middle child, aren't you?

Middle child?

Don't you mean Marcia Brady's little sister?

Wait a minute. She's just trying to help.

Help? Wake up!

She's just looking for an excuse to bring up Marcia.

Marcia! Marcia! Marcia!

Yes! I'm in the middle!

Well, it sounds like you have a serious case

of...

"middle child syndrome."

But you needn't worry.

Here's a copy of my book...

and my tapes.

In the meantime,

do something to make yourself stand out--

give you your own look--

apart from your siblings.

A new look.

That's it.

Gee, thanks, Mrs. Cummings.

Jan, come back

when you're pregnant.

And, girl, you better work.

* Work it down

* Do your thing...

BOY: There ain't no justice!

Hi, Holly.

Hi.

Can I give you a hand?

Yeah. Thanks.

I'm over here.

Hey...

Petey.

Look, Leon.

It's Holly's little friend.

Hey, knock it off or I'll...

Or you'll what?

Dittmeyer!

Do it and die.

I'm going to get you, Brady.

A $20,000 advance?

I'd like to, Mike,

but we're still hurting from the recession.

I only have three developers coming all this week.

Let me have a shot at those projects, Mr. Phillips.

If I can sell one of them my design

you could front me the advance, right?

Sure, but...

How should I put this delicately, Mike?

Your designs are from another time.

That's kind of you to say, Mr. Phillips.

I've always thought

of my style as "classic," as well.

I'll get right to work.

Well, Mr. Amir, what do you think?

I love it.

But it's too...

interesting.

I want something simple.

A couple of self-serve pump

and a Slurpee machine.

Sorry.

It's only strike one, Mr. Phillips.

I've still got two more times at bat.

( whistling a sprightly tune )

Cinderella,

dressed in yellow,

went to the ball

to kiss the fellow.

Hey, Heidi, go yodel in your own yard, huh?

Okay, Mr. Dittmeyer.

Whoa!

Hey!

Hey, little girl!

I got to get something

out of my truck.

Don't let anybody

touch this wire.

Can you do that? Of course.

Daddy, there's a Brady in our yard!

I thought I told you

to stay

in your own yard.

Yes. But you see, Mr. Dittmeyer, I'm simply standing here...

You know, the lisp thing is really getting old.

So why don't you hop back on the Swiss Miss package

where you belong, huh?

Okay.

Oh.

Don't forget your jump rope.

( screaming )

Ohh...

Try it and you're Spam.

( whimpering )

Well, Mr. Brady,

did you hit a home run today?

My design didn't even make it to first base.

( sighs )

You know, maybe we should think

about taking Mr. Dittmeyer up on his offer.

You're serious about selling the house?

Carol, I designed this house myself--

every color, every brick,

every sheet of Formica.

If I knew another way out, I'd take it.

But where else are we going to find

$20,000 by the end of the week?

Oh, no.

We're going to have to sell our house.

* Clowns never laughed before

* Beanstalks never grew *

* No one ever loved...

What is it, Cindy?

I'm busy writing a song for Danielle.

I have to tell you something.

Okay.

But I can't tell you,

'cause that would be tattling.

Come on, Cindy.

If it's important, it's not tattling.

I'm never going to tell

that Mom and Dad have to sell the house

because they owe

$20,000.

Oops.

And that's why I called this meeting.

Greg, what are we going to do?

Yeah. If we don't raise $20,000 in one week,

we'll have to move.

And go to a new school.

And make new friends.

But, Jan, you don't have any friends.

Wait. We can save the house.

We can raise the money ourselves.

But how?

Well, we can each get jobs and earn extra money.

( voice cracking ): Hey, neato idea.

Gee, there are so many things I'm good at.

I wouldn't know where to start.

( mimicking ): Oh, I'm just so perfect at so many things.

You're just jealous, Jan.

I'm going to make some serious cash.

Oh, yeah? Well, I bet I can make more than you.

With what, shrimpo?

Your tooth fairy money?

Who are you calling "shrimpo"?

Hey, Mom always said

don't play ball in the house.

( all arguing )

Hey, you guys, stop fighting!

If we're going to save this house for Mom and Dad,

we've each got to make

as much as we can.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

MARCIA: But, Jan, you don't have any friends.

You're just jealous, Jan.

Jan! What are you doing?

Go back to sleep, Cindy.

Jan, don't!

Marcia's hair is so beautiful.

Exactly. That's why

I'm going to get a lot of money

when I sell it.

( laughing )

( screaming )

Jan,

what are you doing?

Oh, Marcia.

I love your hair.

Ooh! What a groovy hairdo.

Oh, you're so beautiful!

No! She's supposed

to look bad.

No! Nooooo!

( alarm ringing )

What a horrible dream.

( pretending to play )

Greg, have you gone bananas?

No. I just found a way to save our house.

I'm going to become a rock star.

That's great, Greg, but I need some advice

about something really important.

See, Charlie asked me to the dance

and I said yes.

Then Doug asked me, and I said yes to him, too.

What am I going to do?

Well, you just tell the guy you don't want to go with

that something suddenly came up.

And that works?

Sure. Girls say it to me all the time.

Hey, Marcia.

Oh, hi, Charlie.

I can't wait until the dance Friday night.

Oh. Um...

about the dance, Charlie...

well, something suddenly came up.

Oh.

Oh, well, you know, that's okay.

Maybe some other time?

Sure.

Bye.

Bye.

Greg was right.

Well, that takes care of that problem.

Let's see what's next.

Hmm.

* Clowns never laughed before

* Beanstalks never grew... *

BOBBY: "Attention!

"Missing school office supplies.

Reward offered."

Office supplies? I don't know what you're talking about.

Yeah. I heard it before.

You know, I've got reward money

riding on this.

Now, spread 'em.

Oh, come on, Mrs. Whitfield!

You're going to have to do

better than that!

Boy, you sure have

some strong thigh muscles, Mrs. Whitfield.

But I've been here for hours!

Please! You won't regret it!

I guarantee it! Please.

Weren't you ever a kid with a dream

of making something of yourself?

( sighing )

( chuckling ): "Clowns"?

"Beanstalks"?

What the hell is this?

This is a guaranteed gold record!

* Clowns never laughed before *

* And beanstalks...

No.

Look, what did you say

your name was again?

Bravo... Johnny Bravo.

Listen...

"Bravo..."

today's sound is raw, with an edge.

Seattle... grunge... garage bands...

Don't they have beanstalks in Seattle?

( door slams )

Well, hey, there, groovy chick.

Mmm... uh-uh.

Yeah. It went fabulous.

Put the head back on, Fletcher.

Listen, I am closing in on the, uh...

on the Bradys, though.

( phone rings )

Can I call you back, Mr. Feldman?

My car phone's ringing.

Hello.

WOMAN: Hello. I'm calling from a marketing firm.

We'd just like a few minutes of your time...

Ow!

( groaning )

Do you ever use pens and pencils?

I know you do...

Oh, hi, Mrs. Dittmeyer!

I'm here to see Eric.

Oh, hi, Greggie.

Oh, Greg...

I'm so glad you're here.

I've got some more of your mail.

( chuckling ): Oh.

Oh, gee, your hands are full.

Let me just...

My, you've...

gotten so big.

You're almost as big as your daddy.

And I'm still growing.

Right... before my very eyes.

Your pants are... so tight.

Hey, Mrs. Dittmeyer.

Peter!

Can I mow your lawn?

I'm trying to earn some extra money.

Sure.

( chuckling ): Two Bradys...

Tell you what-- when you boys are done,

why don't you come inside and help me make a sandwich?

Penny for your thoughts.

How about 20,000 of them?

You're worried about the house, aren't you?

I told you I'd take care of everything.

Oh, Mike, it's just that we're so happy here.

I sure would miss our kitchen

and our garden...

and Alice!

If we lose her,

who'll make the lunches I pass out?

And who'll answer the phone:

( imitating Alice ): "Brady residence."

And who'll help me...

Honey, Alice isn't going anywhere, and neither are we.

Besides, she doesn't do everything around her.

Time to put your bookmark in, Mr. Brady.

( snoring )

I sure am glad your mom let you sleep over

on a school night.

Marcia, I have to tell you something.

Hmm?

You are the prettiest girl in the entire school.

I know.

But how can I use my good looks and sparkling personality

to make money and save our house?

That's it!

I could be a teen model!

Oh, thanks, Noreen!

You're the greatest!

Oh...

Noreen?

Hmm?

Is that you?

Oh! Oh, I'm sorry.

I thought that was my leg.

Oh...

Night.

Sweet dreams, Marcia.

I still don't know why you had to tag along.

This is my thing.

You're not the only one who can be a model, you know.

Ooh... those are pretty pictures.

What have you modeled for?

Guess.

Um... are you a Breck girl?

No. "Guess" jeans.

Okay, um...

Levis... Wrangler...

Oshkosh B'Gosh?

WOMAN: Brady girls?

That's us.

So... you're professional models?

Yes, we are! Of course!

So, what do you have to show me?

Plenty.

( exotic music playing )

( stops music )

Oh...

Why don't we take five?

You.

Wow...

Thank you!

Why does everyone always choose Marcia?!

What does she have that I don't have?!

Now, Marcia, I may be able to use you,

but first, you're going to have to do

a little work on yourself.

You mean like walking with a book on my head?

No. I mean like cutting that mousy hair,

capping those teeth

and losing about 30 pounds, my little sausage.

How do you feel about

breast implants?

Cut my hair?!

( sighing )

And, after much consideration, Mr. Swanson,

I designed a structure especially for your needs.

So, what do you think?

SWANSON: Well, it's just too good a design

for a fast food joint.

You see what I'm saying, Phillips?

This is... I think you're pumping a dry well here.

You understand what I'm saying?

All right.

I'll be in touch with you.

Sorry, Mikey.

Well... strike two.

There's got to be a way to make $20,000.

Hey!

"Search for the Stars is looking

"for fresh young musical acts.

First prize: $20,000."

Hmm...

Too bad I'm not a musical act.

Hey, Marcia!

I'm not Marcia! I'm Jan!

The usual, Sam.

Sure thing, Mrs. Brady.

20 pounds of ground round coming right up.

Carol, are you still eating red meat?

Why, of course! I've got growing kids!

I have to think about their health!

Isn't Sam

the best?

We're sure going to miss this place when we move,

won't we?

Oh, we're not moving.

You're not? I thought everyone on the block was.

Mike says there's no reason to sell.

We'll be here forever.

There you go, Mrs. Brady.

Thanks, Sam.

Have a nice day.

Bye, Sam.

Bye.

Marcia, could you call the troops to dinner?

In a second.

I'm just checking for a letter from Davy Jones.

Nothing.

Oh, Alice, if I don't get an answer from him soon,

I'll be the most humiliated girl in the world.

You think waiting three weeks for an answer is rough?

Try waiting 20 years for the question.

Alice.

Hey, Greg, you're the Casanova of Clinton Avenue.

How can I get Holly to go for me?

Well, chicks love compliments, man.

Just tell her how groovy she is.

And that really works?

Trust me. It always gets a reaction.

Now, throw me a pass.

24, 32, set, hike.

Dinner's ready... Ooh, my nose!

Are you all right?

Oh, gee, I'm sorry, Marcia.

Yeah, me, too.

CAROL: Let's have a look, Marcia.

I look awful, just awful.

I can never show my face in school again.

I'm ruined.

Sweetheart, I know you feel terrible,

but it's going to get better.

I'm sure no one will ever notice.

Oh, my goodness.

What happened to your...?

mother's favorite picture?

It's crooked.

I mean the painting's crooked.

I think I'd better go.

I think I hear the nose boy.

I mean the newsboy.

Oh, boy, did I blow it.

Now I'll never be a teen model.

I'll never be anything.

What's the point of living?

I might as well die.

Don't forget my $10 reward money.

I made more than you-- almost $12.

Well, I got $15 from Mrs. Dittmeyer.

Boy, is she a good tipper.

But we're still nowhere near $20,000.

This is just awful.

You can say that again.

Tonight's the school dance

and my nose still hasn't gone down.

Hey, I saw something

on the bulletin board at school

about a "Search for the Stars" contest.

They're looking for fresh,

young musical groups.

First prize is exactly $20,000.

Oh, sure, Jan, like we'd really win.

Oh, Jan...

We'd never have a chance of winning.

We might as well rob a bank.

Guys, there's no point in fighting.

We're running out of time, and we still have to find

a way out of this mess.

I sure am going to miss this house.

Uh-oh.

Here comes Mom and Dad.

All right, now, remember, everyone, act happy.

We can't let on

that we know anything.

( all laughing )

Mike, you don't think the kids suspect anything, do you?

Oh, no, of course not.

Well, just to make sure, we should act extra happy.

Well, you know what makes us the happiest.

ALL: Potato sack race!

ALICE: Get ready...

get set...

go!

( all cheering )

So, what can I do you for?

You can explain to me

what Mrs. Brady told my wife.

Yeah, if Mike Brady won't sell,

we're all screwed.

Well, allow me to take this opportunity

to set the record straight.

The Bradys are selling, my clients are buying

and you are all making out like bandits.

Scotch, Steve? Are you calling my wife a liar?

Steve, no.

I'm just saying you can't believe the Bradys.

You've all seen the insane stuff that goes on over there.

How about this Astroturf lawn

they treat like real grass, huh?

And, excuse me...

the family that's happy all the time?

Not possible.

It is strange how they spend their weekends--

hopping around in potato sacks.

And you know something? Yeah.

I hear that their maid works for free.

Can you understand that?

No. I can't. No.

You know, I was over there once.

One bathroom for nine people?

Get out of here. Oh, stop, please.

And I never did see a toilet.

Please, they've got to put it somewhere.

Come on.

I rest my case.

( doorbell rings )

Hi. I'm Doug Simpson.

Marcia's date?

Oh, right-- the big man on campus.

Come on in, Doug.

Marcia, Doug's here!

CAROL: Hi, Doug.

Big man on campus, huh?

Yeah, right.

Hi, Doug.

Hi, Marcia.

Is anything wrong?

Sweetheart, I think you better show him.

I suppose you don't want to go out with me now, huh?

Oh, of course I do.

It's not your nose I'm after.

That's a fine boy

Marcia's got there.

Oh, Marcia, it looks like rain.

You better take your shawl.

Thanks.

Uh, Doug, how about you?

Do you have any protection?

Oh, yes, ma'am.

Assorted colors and textures.

Good for you.

MIKE: Have fun, kids.

Bye-bye.

* Are you coming with me?

But, Doug, this isn't the school dance.

I just figured we'd come up here and unwind a little bit

before we go down.

Mind if I change the station?

( blowing )

Oh, it is windy tonight.

Maybe we should put the top up.

I'll keep you warm, Marcia.

Uh...

Doug, your hand is on my shoulder.

So?

Well, that's third base, and I don't go that far.

Doug, I think I just felt your tongue in my mouth.

That's called a French kiss, Marcia.

I thought you were from Nebraska.

I am.

Listen, Doug, I don't know what you were thinking,

but I don't do things like that.

You may live your life one way,

but we Bradys follow our own drummer.

So, I hope this doesn't sour the rest of our date.

You Bradys suck!

Excuse me.

Oh, no, thank you.

I don't take rides from strangers.

I was just wondering

how to get to West Dale High School.

West Dale High?

* How do you do?

* Yeah

( rock music playing )

* So now I'm pissed off

* My head is a twist-off

* I never have been cute

* I need more money 'cause my life is crummy *

* And get that stuff off my shoe *

* It is a cruel world, I'm no schoolgirl *

* I never do what I should

* And they never know, it's about to blow... *

Hey, you're one groovy chick.

You're really happening in a far-out way.

( laughing ): Thanks.

( song continues in background)

( laughs )

( gasps )

( moans )

Peter!

Yeah!

( applause and cheering )

Excuse me.

Can I have your attention, please?

You may all know me as Greg Brady,

but tonight, I'd like to introduce you to...

Johnny Bravo!

( plays out of tune chords )

For my first song,

I'd like to sing a number I wrote

for the grooviest chick at West Dale High.

( people screaming )

One, two

three, four...

* Clowns never laughed before

* Beanstalks never grew

* Ponies never ran before

( punk music drowning out song)

Ah-ha-ha-ha!

* Does it scare you

* When you see me lose my mind... *

( gasps )

* I go crazy...

Hi, everybody.

It's the new Jan Brady.

Am I a hit?

Do you like it?

( yelling )

( music stops )

Hmm.

Wow. It worked.

I really did make a splash.

Can I have your attention, please?

I have some news

that's going to make everyone flip.

Hey... what about me?

I thought he might show up,

but I didn't want to get all your hopes up.

Marcia did it again.

Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!

But here he is--

Davy Jones!

( one person clapping )

BOY: Hey, Grandpa...

GIRL: Oh, man!

Thanks a lot for being here, Davy...

I mean, Mr. Jones.

Anything for my number-one fan.

( cooing and gasping )

( pop music piano introduction)

* Girl

* Look what you've done to me

Look, it really is Davy Jones!

* Me

* And my whole world

* Girl

* You've brought

* The sun to me

* With your smile

* You did it, girl

( loud rock music joining in)

* I'm telling you, girl

* Something not

* Known to me

* Makes

* You what you are...

Hi, Charlie.

Hey, Marcia.

It was rude of me to break our date.

How can I make it up to you?

Well, uh... gee, Marcia, how about a dance?

Why, I'd love to, Charlie Anderson.

* ...that way, girl

* Thank you, girl

* For making the morning brighter *

* Girl

* For making the nighttime nicer *

* Girl

* For making a better world

* For me

* I'm telling you, girl

* Something unknown to me

* Makes

* You what you are

* And what you are

* Is all that I want for me

* And it's good

* To feel that way, girl

* Thank you, girl

* For making the winter warmer

* Girl

* For making the music softer

* Girl

* For making a better world for me *

( shrieking guitar riff )

* And what you are

* Is all that I want for me

* And it's good

* To feel that way, girl

( moaning and shrieking )

* Thank you, girl

* Thank you, girl

* Thank you, girl...

( cheering )

( wild cheering and applause)

Hey, where are you going?

Something suddenly came up.

Hey, Marcia, you looked great up there.

Thanks, Noreen.

Hey, Marcia, you got a sec?

Forget it, Doug.

Even with a swollen nose,

I can still smell a rat.

Slut.

Um... Marcia, would you get our coats.

I have a little, uh... matter to discuss.

Sure, Charlie.

Hey...

I heard what you said, Doug...

and I'm not going to let you talk to Marcia like that.

Yeah?

Yeah. Well, what are you going

to do about it, geek?

I-I'm going to... lose...

consciousness. Hey, Doug.

How's about

a little punch?

Is he dead?

Wow.

Charlie, thanks.

Couldn't have done it better myself.

Here.

Are you okay?

I really had a great time, Marcia.

Yeah, me, too, Charlie.

Well, uh...

Bye. Bye.

Uh, Marcia?

So, um... can, uh...

can I have a kiss good night?

Yeah.

Okay, Charlie.

Marcia...

I think I just felt your tongue in my mouth.

It's called a French kiss, Charlie.

Um... Marcia, I got to go.

Uh, something suddenly came up.

( car pulling away )

BOY: 32, 24, hike.

Dinner's ready.

Oh, my nose!

( sighing )

What a nice dream.

( screams )

Jan, what is it?

Has my nose gotten worse?

No. It's better.

( gasps )

The hardest thing about the health club business

is getting people to leave their house.

Well... what do you think?

I love it.

( speaking Japanese )

Consider yourself hired.

( bat hits ball )

( stadium crowd cheers )

Uh-huh.

You would?

I see.

Ahh.

All right.

( growls )

Mom, Dad?

Hey, why the gloom?

Well, we just had a kid meeting

and, well, we decided

that we don't mind if we have to move.

We tried

to raise the money for the tax bill ourselves,

but there are only two days left

and all we could come up with was $110.

What?

How did you know about the house

and the tax bill?

Oops!

Cindy, do I have to remind you

that when you tattle on somebody,

you're not just telling on them, you're telling on yourself

and...

ALL: Telling them that you're a tattletale.

We've heard it, Dad. Thanks.

Kids, you have nothing to worry about.

Today your father sold a design

and now he can get that $20,000 advance.

( all exclaim )

I appreciate what you all tried to do

and from now on, no more secrets.

The important thing is

we still have our home

so, let's celebrate.

Put on your Sunday best, kids.

We're going to Sears.

( all exclaiming )

* I think I'll go for a walk outside now *

* The summer sun's calling my name *

* I hear ya now *

* I just can't stay inside all day *

* I gotta get out, get me some of those rays *

* Everybody's smilin' *

* Sunshine day *

* Everybody seems so happy today *

* It's a sunshine day *

* I think I'll go for a walk outside now *

* The summer sun knows me by name *

* He's a-calling me... *

Hey, everybody, look at Alice.

Outtasight.

Neato.

And I thought Sam had magic fingers.

( all laugh )

ALL: Oh, Alice.

( all laughing )

Hey, everybody, look.

Come on, gang, let's have a look.

* I think I'll take a walk every day now *

I'm on TV.

* The summer sun's shown me the way *

* To be happy now *

* I just can't stay inside all day *

* I gotta get out, get me some of those rays...*

GIRL: Oh, my God...

Tori Spelling is here

autographing her new perfume!

( girls screaming )

* I think I'll go for a walk outside now *

* The summer sun's calling my name *

* I hear ya now *

* I gotta get out, get me some of those rays *

* Everybody's smilin' *

* Sunshine day *

* Everybody's laughin'... *

LARRY: Bill.

Brady.

Occupant.

Bill.

Brady...

"Joint consolidated tax bill: Final notice."

"Dear Mr. Brady...

"due to your failure to pay...

house will be auctioned 2:00 p.m. tomorrow..."

$20,000.

Dina?

Dina...

this is the greatest day of our lives.

Did the kids run away?

No. We are rich.

We are going to be filthy, stinking, disgustingly rich.

Larry?

Yeah?

Get me my ice mask.

Forget your ice mask.

We're going to be so rich

you can hire an Eskimo to sit on your face.

( knocking )

It's open.

Of course it is.

( chuckles )

Morning.

Morning, Larry.

If you're here

about the offer, the answer's still no.

I haven't changed my mind.

No need for that.

I know you won't be selling this house

because, after the auction tomorrow at 2:00, I'll own it.

Well, I don't think there'll be any auction.

What?

Well, luckily, I just sold one of my designs,

so it looks like the Bradys are here to stay.

So, which firm was lucky enough

to snag one of your designs, Mike?

LARRY: And, of course

if you ever need a property

for one of your health clubs

I'm your man.

Oh, thank you.

Well, well. What have we here?

This is one of our new gyms

that we're constructing.

We are negotiating to buy the design right now.

Really? Who's your architect?

A very talented fellow--

name of Brady.

I guess you won't be breaking ground until after he dries out.

Dries out?

I really shouldn't say anything.

Guy's been through a lot lately,

what with the charges filed against him and everything.

Charges?

Criminal negligence.

A building he designed completely collapsed.

Old folks home, Christmas day.

All those cute, little visiting grandchildren...

some with puppies.

Let's take a moment to honor their memory, shall we?

( square-dance music playing)

( all cheering )

( phone rings )

I'll get it.

Brady residence.

You did? I see.

When?

Uh-huh.

They did?

Why not?

Uh-huh... oh.

Yeah?

Right.

Well...

bye.

Bad news, I'm afraid.

Oh, Mike. What?

The Flex factory pulled out of the project this morning.

They're not going with my design.

Oh, Mike. Why?

Well, they wouldn't say.

I guess this means it's over.

Unless a miracle happens by 2:00 tomorrow,

the county is going to auction our house.

Oh, Mike. How?

Kids, I'm afraid the money

that we were counting on is no longer a possibility.

But I want you to remember

that no matter where we go,

or whatever house we're in,

we'll be fine as long as we're together,

so I don't want to see any more frowns.

We're Bradys.

And as a wise man once said:

"Wherever you go, there you are."

I never thought of it that way, Dad.

MARCIA: Thanks, Dad.

Boy, this is crummy.

Well, there must be some way out of this mess.

Everybody think.

Hey, I've got it.

We can enter that "Search for the Stars" contest.

First prize

is exactly $20,000.

Hey, that's a nifty idea, Marcia.

Great idea, Marcia.

Good idea, Marcia.

Am I invisible?

Do I not have a voice?

I had that idea two days ago.

Stop being so selfish, Jan.

Come on, Jan.

Oh, Jan.

Jan. Jan.

Come on, you guys, we got

a big day ahead of us.

We better get some rest if we're going to be

a fresh, young musical group.

It was my idea. Mine.

Didn't anybody hear me?

GIRL: I heard you.

GIRL 2: Me, too,

but it sounded better coming from Marcia.

( chuckles )

Sam, that was the juiciest Meat Cutters' Ball

I've ever been to.

I'm cooked.

Alice, I want you to stick out your hand

and close your eyes.

I got a surprise for you.

Unless it fits on my finger, I've got to hit the sack.

It better fit,

or I'm going to have to take it back.

Sam, I thought this day

would never come.

When I saw it,

I thought it was right up your alley.

I'm bowled over.

( chuckles )

I always thought our grandchildren

would come visit us in this house.

Oh, Mike.

You know, this is going to be

our last night in this bedroom.

Why, Grandpa Brady.

( Carol chuckling softly )

Jan,

where are you going?

Someplace where I can be appreciated.

Go ahead and snitch if you want.

Just give me a head start.

I wouldn't snitch.

But how will we sing without you?

Why don't you ask Marcia?

Maybe she has another brilliant idea.

( door shuts )

Mom? Dad?

( clearing throats )

Uh... what is it, Cindy?

If you know something,

but you don't want to be a tattle,

but it's very important that you tell someone...

Cindy, let's talk about it tomorrow.

But Jan could be dead by then!

What?!

Oops!

Why would Jan run away like this?

Maybe we were thinking too much about our problems

and not enough about the kids.

Did anyone say anything

that would make Jan run away?

Nothing more than what we usually say to her.

KIDS: Yeah.

I'll get Alice.

Oh.

Hi, folks.

Sam,

what are you doing here?

Oh, I was just, um, delivering some meat.

Well, it's a good thing you're here.

Jan ran away, and we need you and Alice

to help find her.

We'll circle the block.

You check the school.

Come on, gang, let's go.

Let's go.

Come on, everybody, hurry up.

Come on.

Come on, Cindy.

I call the way back.

I got the backseat.

What happened? Did an animal die on your head?

( chuckling )

Hey, lose the hat.

You'll be okay.

MIKE: Keep your eyes peeled, everybody.

Breaker, one-nine, breaker, one-nine,

this is Christmas Carol.

Honey, no one's answered us in years.

Oh, Mike, I have to try.

Breaker, one-nine, do you read me?

Anyone out there?

I need a 20 on a little girl.

Blond, blue-eyed, answers to the name of Jan.

Tell her...

Mother Hen and Father Goose love her very much.

Come after me if you're out there, over.

Huh. Sounds like some family

misses somebody they love very much.

I don't have a family.

Oh, no family.

You know, sometimes

I'm driving the graveyard shift

in the middle of nowhere,

I can't help thinking what might have been

if I'd taken a different road--

married young, had a family--

three boys, three girls.

Oh, then a little voice says, "Are you kidding?

They'd probably just treat you like a maid."

Do you want some of this, Jan?

No, thanks.

You have a little voice, too?

Mmm. Oh, honey, when you're on the road as long as I am,

you got to talk to somebody.

That's a trick I learned growing up.

It's tough being a middle child.

You're a middle child.

So am I.

Then you know what it feels like

not being special.

What does she mean, "I'm not special?"

Hey, she's just trying to help.

My family's not much.

No kids, though we do have a lot of livestock.

( hoarse rasp ): Jan! Oh, Jan!

Don't listen to her!

In this day and age, if you're lucky enough...

Who is that?

( hoarse rasp ): It's me-- the new Jan Brady.

Let's knock over a 7-Eleven.

Stop! You're scaring me!

Me, too. Me, too!

Mom? Dad?

Hi. I'm back.

Marcia? Cindy?

Are you up there?

Greg? Peter? Bobby?

Alice?

Sam?

( radio static )

Christmas Carol, this is Schultzy, come back to me.

Schultzy! Th-this is Christmas Carol.

I got a 20 on a little girl.

Blue eyes, blonde hair, answers to the name of Jan.

( all exclaiming )

I just dropped her off at 4222 Clinton Way.

Thank you, Schultzy, thank you

and God bless!

Over.

That's a big ten-four.

( air horn blowing )

( chuckling )

Jan?

Jan, are you here?

Mom? Dad?

Oh, honey!

Oh, honey!

Oh, sweetheart.

I'm so glad you're safe!

Oh, honey,

what on earth made you run away?

I thought no one wanted me here anymore,

but when I was out in the real world,

I realized that I wanted me to be here.

You're all a part of me

and I'm a part of you,

and there's no escaping that...

but it makes me feel really special.

I couldn't have put it

better myself, Jan, but I'll try anyway.

See, I've always believed

that it doesn't matter where your home is,

because home is where your heart is,

and we may lose this house,

but we'll always have our family

because we're Bradys,

and this family is our home.

That's why we'll always have our home.

As long as we have our family,

even if we lose our house, we're still Bradys.

Your father's right.

( all talking at once ) Oh, yeah, absolutely, Dad.

MARCIA: Maybe we can still

save the house.

How about Jan's idea

of the "Search for the Stars" contest?

Jan's idea?

Yes, it was Jan's,

and it's a really great plan.

CAROL: What's "Search for the Stars?"

It's a contest

for the best musical group,

and there's a first prize of $20,000.

And singing one of Greg's songs,

we're sure to win.

Well, then, you're going to have to sing it without me.

Huh? What? Why?

I thought I could change my name and my personality

and become some big, flashy rock star,

but I was just kidding myself.

Nobody liked my act.

I guess I just don't have what it takes.

Well, let's face it,

Johnny Bravo's nothing but...

Johnny Rotten.

You're right, son.

Johnny Bravo doesn't have what it takes...

but Greg Brady does.

He has us,

and this family can accomplish anything.

Alone, we can only move buckets, but if we work together,

we can drain rivers.

Your father's right.

The eight of us separate

are just eight...

well, with Alice, we're nine, but nine...

Yes, well, technically...

And with Sam, ten,

but ten separate, just ten.

Together...

we're a Bunch.

KIDS: Yeah. The Brady Bunch.

What do you say, Greg?

Please?

Well, what are we waiting for?

Grab some costumes.

We've got to make that contest!

Okay! All right!

* We are blood

* We don't vote

* We are standing all alone

* At the beginning

* Of the end

* We are phlegm

* We are phlegm.

I'm so nervous.

Why am I so nervous?

Stop it. You're making me nervous.

( spitoon clanks )

All right, let's have a big hand for Phlegm.

Yay!

You sounded hot.

What, are you-- completely brain-dead?

Leon missed an entire riff.

Didn't you hear it?

I liked it.

You're such a loser.

Hey, Eric.

I'm sick and tired

of seeing you treat Holly that way.

In fact...

I'm sick and tired of you altogether.

You're nothing but a...

a big bully.

( chuckling )

You're dog meat, Brady.

( voice breaking ): Do it... and die, Eric.

( falsetto ): Ohh!

Ohh!

Oh.

JAN: Hurry, Peter.

We're on.

Thanks, Peter.

I think you're really... neato.

M.C.: Oh, yes. I hope everybody's having

a good time.

( deep voice: ) Why, uh... thank you, Holly.

I think you're... Ginger and Mary Ann combined.

Come on, Peter. That's us.

See ya.

Good luck.

( Eric moaning )

( guitar solo playing )

* Flying down the highway in our makeshift Model T.A. *

* Ooh

* Yeah

* Ooh

* It's a beautiful morning

* And it's gonna be a beautiful day *

* The wheels are humming and the guitar's strumming *

* And the radio is blasting and good times are coming *

* As we're flying down the highway *

* In our makeshift Model T.A.

* We're gonna keep on, keep on, keep on *

* Keep on dancing all through the night *

* We're gonna keep on, keep on, keep on doing it right *

* We're gonna keep on, keep on, keep on moving *

* Gonna keep on, keep on, keep on grooving *

* Keep on singing and dancing all through the night *

( singing as Elvis ): * You can hear the music

* More than 26 miles away

* Ooh, yeah

* Ooh

* Your smile is heaven

* And heaven is here to stay

* Yeah

* We're gonna keep on, keep on

* Keep on, keep on dancing all through the night *

* We're gonna keep on, keep on, keep on doing it right *

* We're gonna keep on, keep on, keep on moving *

* Gonna keep on, keep on, keep on grooving *

* Keep on singing

* And dancing all through the night *

* We're gonna keep on, keep on

* Keep on, keep on dancing all through the night *

* We're gonna keep on, keep on, keep on doing it right *

* We're gonna keep on, keep on, keep on moving *

* Gonna keep on, keep on...

( both squealing )

Thank you, Brady Bunch.

You were great.

Great.

Give the rest of our contestants a big hand

as our judges

tally up the scores.

Thank you.

And I have it right here.

The winner of the Search

for the Stars $20,000 grand prize is...

the Brady Bunch?

( cheering )

( scattered applause )

Hey, great job. Thanks.

They what?!

How could those losers win anything?

Look, Eric, you got to stall them for me.

What do you mean, what's in it for you?

All right, you have my permission

to pierce anything you want.

Just keep them from getting here.

Damn kid.

Come on.

Well, here it is.

A check made out to the Brady Bunch

for $20,000.

Come on, gang, let's go. Hurry!

All right, everybody.

Let's hear it for them Bradys.

They were something else.

Thanks for coming down.

I hope you had a good time and we'll see you...

Come on, come on.

Let's go, troops!

Come on! Hurry up!

( girls clamoring )

Hey, there, groovy chicks.

You're all happening in far out ways.

Greg, hurry. The house.

Now, how do you suppose that happened?

Oh, Mike. What are we going to do?

( car alarm blaring )

Hey, Marcia, look. It's our friend, Eddie.

You remember.

The guy who needed a car jack.

Come on, everybody. He can give us a lift.

GREG: Hey, Eddie!

Oh, no.

Can you give us a ride?

A ride?

Good afternoon.

Having trouble

with the car alarm?

No. It's not our car.

It's our friend Eddie's.

Oh, really?

Where are the keys, Eddie?

I lost them.

Oh, no.

But we were counting on you to give us a ride to our house.

I'll run the plate.

BOBBY: Uh, excuse me, Officer

but I'd hate to ask a law enforcement official

to bend the rules...

especially for penal code 117

section 33-B,

but our house is at stake.

( clamoring )

Please?

2:00. Auction time.

It's exciting, isn't it, Alice?

By the power authorized me

by the county of Los Angeles,

I hereby offer this property to the highest bidder,

unless the owner redeems...

Come on, come on, come on.

Okay, I'll start

the bidding at the sum total of back taxes: $20,000.

Do I have any takers?

Say... I've got $20,000.

( sirens blaring )

MIKE: Stop the auction!

We have the money for the tax bill.

I repeat,

stop the auction.

We have the money for the tax bill.

The house is still ours.

Come on, kids.

Hold everything.

Good news, everybody.

The Bradys are here to stay.

You lied to us, Dittmeyer.

The Bradys aren't selling.

I knew it!

You guaranteed us!

You ruined us, Dittmeyer.

You're going to pay for this.

MIKE: Now, hold on, people.

Wait a minute.

The man you should be angry with

is me, 'cause our house is more important than money.

This neighborhood is more important than money.

Tell me, how many times

have we borrowed each other's power tools

or patched up each other's kids?

We know so much about each other.

I know that every January, Mr. Yeager's going to have

that big Super Bowl party at his house.

Yeah.

We know every spring Mrs. Simmons

is going to have the prettiest daffodils on the block.

They are beautiful. They are lovely flowers.

We know that at 10:15 every Saturday morning,

Mrs. Topping likes to walk

through her living room naked.

( laughing )

You knew about that?

Call me old-fashioned,

but these things are important

and they're not for sale.

This is our neighborhood...

and we're staying.

Now, this is going to sound crazy...

but Brady's right.

We're never going to find

another neighborhood like this.

And we'll never find neighbors like the Bradys.

We're staying, too.

Us, too.

BOTH: So are we.

We will, too.

Great.

Gosh, I wish I lived here.

I mean, it's... it's incredible.

You people are all staying...

because one family is willing to stand up

for what they believe in?

Well... that and the huge settlement

we're going to get after we sue Dittmeyer's ass.

Oh, Mike.

I always knew you could hit a grand slam

and now we can stay in our house after all.

Hey, do you know who'd love to hear about this?

KIDS: Grandma!

Hey.

( clamoring )

Hi, everybody.

Wait a minute.

Look, how pretty you have gotten.

Oh, those clothes.

Oh, what taste.

And that smile...

Oh, Marcia, you are such a beauty.

Everyone loves Marcia.

No one loves you.

( raspy voice ): Watch my head spin.

Kill, kill, kill!

No, stop it!

I can't take it anymore!

( voice laughing )

Aw, shut up, you loser!

Jan!

Cut the crap.

( voice laughing )

( laughing stops )

They're gone.

Thank you, Grandma.

Oh, there.

Cindy.

Oh, Cindy.

Why does Jan get all the attention?

Yeah. It's always Jan, Jan, Jan.

( electric guitar playing theme song )

* The Brady Bunch

* The Brady Bunch

* That's the way we became the Brady Bunch. *

* I remember someone said

* Even when we lose, we win *

* Well, we must be winning now *

* Cause it's got that losing feeling * * Mom always said

* Don't throw the ball in the house *

* I only wish that I had known

* Maybe I would not have broken *

* Every single thing I own

* Just wait for fate to change the life that you hate *

* Down to your DNA

* Just wait for fate to change the life that you hate *

* And get out of our way

* Have a nice day

* You know your father is right *

* And he's always going to be

* Well, that makes me feel so great *

* Cause I just love being angry *

* Just wait for fate to change the life that you hate *

* Down to your DNA

* Just wait for fate to change the life that you hate *

* And get out of our way

* Have a nice day

( guitar solo )

Captioning sponsored by PARAMOUNT PICTURES

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org