Original subtitles

♪ I'm just what you made, God ♪

♪ Not many I trust ♪

♪ I'm-a go my own way, God ♪

♪ Take my fate to wherever you want ♪

♪ I'm out here, on my son ♪

♪ Won't stop till I get me some ♪

♪ Club hopping, trying to get me some ♪

♪ Bad bitches wanna get me sprung ♪

♪ Early in the morning, I'm waking, baking ♪

♪ Drinking, contemplating ♪

♪ Ain't no such thing as Satan ♪

♪ Evil is what you make it ♪

♪ Thank the Lord for that burning bush ♪

♪ That big-body Benz I was born to push ♪

♪ On my way, I'm burning kush ♪

♪ Nigga, don't be worried 'bout us ♪

♪ Neighbors knocking on the door ♪

♪ Asking can we turn it down... ♪

Jesus!

♪ Ain't no music... ♪

- ♪ I ♪ - ♪ I need ♪

♪ Need smoke ♪

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa ♪

♪ I need ♪

♪ I... ♪

Sorry. I'm sorry.

♪ To smoke ♪

♪ Who gon' hold me down now? ♪

♪ I wanna get high, y'all ♪

♪ Whoa ♪

♪ I wanna get high, y'all ♪

♪ Need it, need it to get by... ♪

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

♪ Need it to get by, y'all. ♪

Get back!

I love this movie.

They-they shot this on Staten Island.

- Whew! - Oh!

- Oh! - Ooh, God!

- Awesome. - Hell yeah.

Ew!

That's my shit.

This movie makes no sense.

Why-why would the government make a purge legal?

- Clearly to let them blow off some steam. Hello. - Yeah.

- That's why you go to the spa. - Yeah. Or the therapist.

- Or get your nails done. - Or...

Or murder some folks. Hmm?

I mean, come on, guys. I-I brought Tara over

so that we could get out of this basement.

Let's go out. Let's go dancing.

- I love dancing. - Let's do something.

We don't go out.

We don't dance.

- The Purge is not enough for you? - No.

Does anybody else like dancing?

- I like it. - Yes, me!

- You do? - I love dancing.

Yes.

He loves... He's a really good dancer.

What's your favorite move?

It's kind of like a shake.

- A shake? That's... - I don't know.

I just do whatever the m-music tells me to do.

There's nothing but douchebags at these clubs.

- I love it here, man. It's safe. - Oh, but, come on.

God, you just sit here all day,

- and then smoke weed and jerk each other off. - Yeah.

That sounds amazing.

I've never been jerked off by any of my friends.

Me, either.

I like your tattoos.

- I knew you would, right? - Those are...

- Oh, my God. That... - No, don't talk to him.

- He has, he has chlamydia. - I had.

- Oh, my God. - Had chlamydia.

- It's curable. - And you introduced me to

the girl that gave me chlamydia,

so you basically gave me chlamydia.

You assisted the chlamydia.

He doesn't have insurance.

- He can't get the meds. - It's fine.

I act... I actually did some of those.

You did?

You know I got to rep the island.

- Hey. - Staten Island. - Wow, Staten.

- S.I., you know. - Yeah.

- Looks so good. - Thank you.

- You have a bunch of tattoos also. - Yeah.

- What is that date? - Oh. - Ooh.

Uh, that's, uh, the date my Dad died.

Oh, my God, your dad died? I'm so sorry.

Don't be. It's fine. It's totally cool.

- So, what happened? - Ooh!

- Okay, you don't need to ask. - No.

- No, no, no, no. - Don't ask that.

It's kind of inappropriate.

Uh, he was a, he was a fireman.

So, he died in a fire.

Oh, my God.

- Yeah, we knew. - Yeah, we knew.

- We don't like to talk about it. - We knew.

That's why we don't bring it up.

- Apologize to Scott. - It's the right thing to do.

- You should say sorry. - Apologize or get out.

It's not okay.

Scott, um, I just wanted to say that I'm really sorry

- that I asked about your tattoo. - Yeah.

What?

He doesn't care. It's fine.

- He doesn't care. - Look at him.

- He's laughing so much. - I don't care.

We talk about his dead dad all the time.

- Knock, knock. - Who's there?

Not your dad.

That's my favorite one.

Oh, my God, that's so funny.

We've made so many jokes about it.

Oh, my God, I don't even...

- I don't even miss him at all. - So funny.

Yeah.

Oh!

Oh, yeah, yeah, that's pretty good.

Keep-keep doing that! Keep doing that!

Are-are you, are you happy?

Yes, yes, it's fucking great! Keep going!

No, wait, d-d... don't stop!

Did you, um, did you, did you come?

Well, yes.

Were you there?

Yeah, I did.

- Like, six times. - Cool.

- Awesome. - It was great.

- Did you? - No, no, no.

But it's okay. I-I had fun.

I had fun back there.

Yeah.

You know, I feel bad that you never do.

No, I-I do all the time.

I just... you know, I don't put on a Broadway show like you do.

You know, I'm-I'm more quiet.

I'm more like Charlie Chaplin when I come.

- Like a silent movie. - Silent movie.

Um, do you think it's the antidepressants?

Oh, yeah, for sure.

Yeah. If I didn't have the antidepressants,

I'd come in, like, eight seconds.

And then you wouldn't come.

And then you'd be depressed.

And then you would have to take antidepressants.

- I don't know, can I say something? I, um... - Yeah.

I just still don't understand why this is such a big secret.

You know why it's a big secret. 'Cause it's special.

It's-it's, like, our thing, you know?

It-it wouldn't be special if everybody knew about it.

Yeah, but I don't just want to do this.

Yeah, I totally get that. So, should we stop?

No, I...

I don't know, like, this... like, what is this?

- And I don't know why... - This?

- This is... - I want to do what normal people do.

Yeah, I know. I just, you know, I...

It-it might be weird, you know.

We've known each other for, like, ever.

Since fourth grade.

It would be like incest.

No, it wouldn't.

No, it's like, yeah, w-we're best pals,

and I wouldn't want to, like, jeopardize our friendship

or something like that over something...

not silly, but, you know, it's just... it's a big risk.

But we've already done the deed.

- I mean, what else is there? - "Done the deed"?

- I don't know. - But, you know, it's just,

- you deserve somebody way better than me. - What?

You're a good guy.

- You're a good guy. I like you. - Uh...

Well, I... Based on what?

I mean, I like you, too. It's just like...

All right, can I just tell you... can I tell you something?

But can you, like, not tell anybody?

Well, people probably know, but, like...

There's, like, something wrong with me.

- Like, mentally, like... - What?

Like, I'm not okay up there.

You know? Like...

I-I get all mad, acting, like, crazy,

and I, and I make really insane, impulsive decisions.

And I get...

I'm d... I'm scared o-of myself, and I don't...

I don't want to, like, scare you or me

or, like, hurt anyone, you know?

So, I think it would just be best

and really responsible of me if I just backed off, you know?

I don't want you to f-feel like that about yourself.

Oh, no, it's...

I just, I just don't want to offend you, you know?

You're... you're the best. I think you're the greatest.

I know you think I'm great. I'm awesome.

I feel bad that you don't think you're great.

Hey, honey.

I made you an omelet.

What are you gonna wear to your sister's graduation party?

I was thinking, what about one of your dad's suits?

I don't know.

I-I don't think I'm really a suit guy, you know?

Plus-plus, all those suits are out of style, so...

You know, I thought they were back in style.

And... can you not smoke pot before the party?

Why?

Because it smells. You smell bad.

And no vaping because they're gonna think it's pot.

The uncle is a cop.

We don't need that kind of trouble.

Fuck that guy.

I hate this family.

They're so rich and snooty.

They've been really nice to Claire.

Hey, Mom. You got me the plastic containers.

I just need the cardboard boxes I can throw away.

But they're so good for storing things.

Yeah, but I don't have any storage.

My closet's, like, two feet wide.

Hey, Claire, do you even want me at your graduation party?

Do I want you to go? I don't care.

Just... It's weird if you don't go.

That wasn't exactly a warm invitation.

Yeah, well, it's not the part I'm looking forward to most.

But I want you to be there.

- She wants you to go. - No, she doesn't.

- She just said it. - No, I don't want him to go.

He has to go.

Just don't sit on the couch in the corner the whole time.

- It's weird. - No, I don't see the problem

with sitting in the corner, okay?

There's some people that go to the party and dance,

and there's some people that sit in the corner.

I'm the corner guy.

Accept your brother.

Also, don't try to fuck Layla, okay?

She told you she's not interested.

What are you talking about?

I never tried to hook up with her.

She's always trying to fuck me, and I-I have to avoid it

at all costs, out of respect for you.

I just thought she looked really good in those pants.

- Jesus. - Thought that was a nice thing to say.

- Just don't. - I didn't know I would get MeToo'd for it.

Dad's suits are vacuum-sealed in the garage.

- Yeah? - Just pick yourself a nice one.

You have to look nice.

We're celebrating your sister's achievements.

You're gonna miss her when she's gone.

Yeah. Celebrate me.

Wow, this, uh... this all happened so fast.

I-I can't believe you're graduating already.

I'm gonna really miss you.

Round two.

Fight!

Yo, where'd you get this?

This shit does not taste very good.

What are you talking about? This shit's fire, dawg.

Do you guys even really get high anymore?

I-I don't really think I get high anymore.

I think I just kind of am myself.

I haven't been high in a while, man.

But I still do it.

I like the lifestyle.

I'm mad high.

Yo, tell Scotty about

how you're being catfished.

- Who? - You!

How you're being catfished, bro.

Tell him the truth.

You got a girlfriend? What's up?

- No. - Yeah.

- That's awesome. - Yes.

Her name is Carla.

- We talk on the phone. - Nah, dude.

Like, this girl, like, slid into his DMs, and, like,

I don't know, she, like, asked him out or whatever.

- But hundred percent a trick, dude. - She...

- She's bad, but that's not yours. - Why?

And she's, like, so hot, dude.

Yo, she, like, hangs out on yachts.

- Like, yo. - Oh, come on.

- No, no, like, no. - Dude...

Like, it's not real, like...

Bro, they're just being jealous, bro.

They're just jealous 'cause you're getting that...

Oh, yeah, that's a catfish.

Oh, you getting catfished like a motherfucker!

- Oh, my God! - Right, dude?

- Bro... - What does she...

Straight up, I'm-a send myself this one, honestly.

Honestly, dude, she's fucking fake.

She thinks I'm hot.

How? You guys never even seen each other.

How come you guys don't FaceTime?

Tell Scotty why you don't FaceTime.

Her phone camera's broken, but she sent me all these photos.

- Yeah. - Bro, these are Google Images.

- Exactly, dude. - Shit, you don't know that.

Maybe-maybe this girl is, uh, is into Igor.

Well, you know, he's-he's, you know, cute.

Yo, like, you don't even know how to talk to girls.

What do you even talk to her about?

- Igor. - Mm-hmm.

Go get that shit, bro. What are you doing?

Yo, he is the worst assistant.

He's clearly going through a lot.

How much for, like, six Xanax?

Six.

What do we have? What do we have?

- Who needs six Xanax? - I got one, two...

I got three right here, I think.

One, two...

Is this a... Yeah.

- How you doing? - I'm all right.

Yo, you're Jimmy Bags' brother, right?

Yes, bro.

Tell your brother he's a bitch.

- You understand that? - Yeah. I do.

- Say it back to me. - He's a bitch. He's a bitch.

And now, you know what?

I got four, but you're paying for six.

Nah, come on. That's my fucking brother, bro.

- Like, what are you... - Nah. Nah, dude.

I hate your brother.

And now you look like a little version of him,

and I want to punch you in the face.

So, instead of doing that, just give me 60.

I only got 40.

Then go home, do chores, and come back.

- I don't give a fuck. - I-I can't.

I stole it from my mom's purse, but she only had 40.

Well, then, give me your shoes.

No, bro, I can't.

Just give me your shoes and we'll call it a day.

- Hey, what size are you? - Like, a nine.

Those'll fit you.

- Igor, you can have those. - I'll take 'em.

Look at that, Igor got a gift.

- He's not a fucking nine. - Fuck you!

You don't make fun of my friend!

He-he can't get on fucking roller coasters,

- he's that small. - Shut the fuck up! - Whoa!

- We make fun of him! - How is he gonna wear them?

- You don't make fun of him! - He's our friend.

He rides roller coasters all the time.

We make fun of him, not you.

He's, like, a size five, bro, like...

Yo! Stop!

Get the fuck away from my window.

You guys are a bunch of fucking pussies.

Mom, he's saying he's gonna wear these cargo shorts to the party.

Oh, no.

What? I told you to wear Dad's suit.

I don't want to wear Dad's old suit, okay?

- I have my own personal style, and I... - Get the fuck off me!

- Don't do that! - I-I don't want to wear a suit, okay?

I think, I think I'm gonna throw up.

I think I have the flu.

Oh, oh, okay. Just-just breathe through your nose.

One second.

Oh, shut up. Mom, he looks like

he fucking sells crack under a bridge.

I know the guy who sells crack under the bridge, okay?

And he looks awesome.

Just put on the suit, Scott, please.

No! It's not fair!

She thinks she's, like, princess of the world...

Okay, well, then just please

be respectful for two fucking seconds!

...because she graduated high school.

Everybody graduates high school!

- Shut up! - Scott!

- ♪ Oh, she's a jolly good fellow ♪ - Oh.

Mom, please...

Just put on the suit.

Be respectful.

I'll be home in an hour.

Fine!

Thank you.

How are you feeling?

I'm sorry.

I tried to warn you, but you were on the phone.

Thanks for letting me use your phone.

My family has problems, too.

I love this house.

If you have money,

why would you ever live in Staten Island?

- Oh, God. Yeah. - So good.

We are so proud

of our daughter Joanne...

and Claire, who's been at our house so much over the years

you feel like our second daughter.

Thank you, Margie, for lending her to us all these years.

You guys have worked so hard, and we are so, so proud of you.

Jesus Christ, dial it back, you fucking fruits.

Joanne,

you are a very special girl.

You made our dreams come true, too.

You're my sweet angel.

No, she's not.

It's such an honor to be your parents.

You've taught us as much as we've taught you. Claire...

You've been through so much,

and you've done so well,

so much better than any of us could have handled it.

Your dad Stan would be so proud of you.

He's looking down at you right now.

Yes, he is.

No, he's not.

A toast to Joanne and Claire.

So proud.

Congratulations!

♪ Please don't ♪

♪ Make me have to take your bitch ♪

♪ How I roll, if I'm shining ♪

♪ Everybody gonna shine... ♪

- What's up, Todd? - What's up, Scott?

You going to college, too, someday?

I'd like to, yeah. I'd go study law.

Oh, yeah? That's awesome, man.

That sounds really cool. Do you have any weed?

- I do. - Could I have some?

- Definitely. I'll go grab it. - Cool. Thanks, Todd.

Fucking home run, Todd.

It makes me sad to think of my little sister

sitting in that sad little house,

waiting for her son to be perfect.

I'm not.

Then you're wasting all of this.

All of it's getting wasted.

- You're a mess. - You're wasted.

Mom would be so disappoin... Mom would be disappointed in you.

You're the one who's always wasted.

You're wasting. It's like leaving food on the table.

Come on.

- Let me take you out. - It's so hard to meet people.

- I'm totally open. - No, it's... I mean, God...

You're not open at all.

- It's really hard to meet people. - You're a liar.

You're not open. "Hard to meet people"?

- I'm in the E.R. All I see is, like... - You meet...

- You meet a hundred people a night. - People who were shot...

Yeah, they're shot.

They're-they're, uh, they're criminals.

- Stop limiting yourself. - Who am I gonna meet?

Stop limiting yourself.

- But I'm at the hospital. - Yeah.

- They're not all criminals. - You meet people at work.

- That's what it's... - Some of them are victims.

Doll...

You know, we could put you on two shifts a week,

- just-just, just to try it. - I don't need a job.

I, uh, I got a contact at a tattoo shop.

I'm-I'm hoping for an apprenticeship, so...

Then you're gonna need some money.

Yeah, some of these guys walk away with 80 bucks in tips.

Scott, your cousin's offering you a job. Consider it, okay?

If you're good at it, you can become a waiter.

Why are you offering me a job anyway?

Because I told your father I'd always look out for you.

How? He died suddenly in a fire.

Uh, did you ask his ghost?

That's not witty, Scott.

Your dark sense of humor doesn't work for me.

I find it funny.

It's your sister's big day. Be a gentleman.

Okay, we lost a few guys in an ICE raid.

Ah, shit. Sorry.

Maybe you should work and go to college.

- College is bullshit! - Oh.

You know who went to Harvard? The Unabomber.

You know who went to Temple? Bill Cosby.

You know who else who went to Temple? Ted Bundy.

You know who went to Hofstra? Bernie Madoff.

You know who went to Wharton? Donald Trump.

It's all a scam.

Okay, well, maybe I shouldn't go, then.

Oh, no, you'll have the time of your life.

Hey, Scott.

Sit down.

Okay.

I got you this.

So, what-what is, uh, what is, what is this?

It's paintbrushes and some paint.

Well, I know you're into art, so I thought you could

expand your horizons while I'm gone.

You got a gift receipt for this?

- You okay? - Fine... Yeah.

Wh-What do you mean? Yeah, I'm...

You gonna be okay without me here?

What, you don't think I can survive here without you?

Okay, just don't be a dick, okay?

Like, be nice to Mom, okay? Don't give her a hard time.

- She deserves a break. - I always give her a-a break.

What are you... When's... When am I gonna get my break?

Like...

What are you talking about?

All anyone ever does is worry about you.

I was ignored my entire childhood 'cause of you.

Oh, yeah, I forgot that my childhood was so dandy.

Okay, you don't get to act crazy your whole life

just 'cause Dad died, okay?

At least you got to know him.

Well, you're lucky you didn't get to know him, okay?

'Cause that's why you're almost normal.

If you got to know him, you would've known that he was,

like, the fucking coolest guy ever,

and that would've ruined the rest of your life.

Okay, like, but what are you gonna do?

Are you gonna get a job or are you gonna leave the house?

I don't know.

I-I'm gonna open that tattoo restaurant.

No, like, for real.

I am being real.

It's a great... It's never been done before.

I looked it up. I googled it.

It's never been done, not even as a joke.

Because no one wants to go to a restaurant

and watch people get tattooed while they eat.

- It's gross. - It's the best idea ever.

Ruby Tattoosdays, where everyone's welcome.

- Chicken and tattoos. - That's not a business!

You know, you got to get your shit together.

Time is passing by very quickly.

That's why I smoke weed all the time, okay?

It slows it all down.

Fucking God.

See, I'm worried about you.

Well, why now? You never gave a shit.

You, like, literally never cared until this second.

Like, wh-what, what gives?

You never looked out for me once.

You're my older brother.

You're supposed to look out for me.

You're-you're just guilty 'cause you're leaving?

Now, all of a sudden, you're afraid I'm gonna die?

I was gonna die anyway, whether you stay or not.

- Are you gonna hurt yourself? - Probably.

Yeah, I'm probably gonna hurt myself.

I don't know how, but yeah.

If anybody could do it, it's me.

This is why I don't talk to you, 'cause the one thing I know is

you're not gonna listen to my advice, so...

Yeah, well, why would I?

Like, you don't even give a shit.

You're-you're leaving.

You're not even part of the family.

I'm the only fucking normal person in this family.

Jesus. You know...

Every second I'm away from you, I'm worrying about you.

That's what you do to people.

You should be worried.

Okay, don't fucking ruin college for me, okay?

Go!

Fine.

Hey, you should bring that chipper personality to college.

Guys will love it.

Hello.

Okay, let's see my to-do list.

Yo, we're finished packing the car.

You want to come out and say goodbye or...?

Oh, well, yeah, this is almost over.

No, like, we're leaving.

- Oh. She's leaving? - Like, to go to college, you know?

- Oh, oh, my bad. - Yeah, four years, so...

- Oh, all right. - Let's go.

Nope, like... Go. Come on.

Uh, don't worry about me, okay?

This is really hard right now.

You don't seem fine.

I'm so proud of you.

I love you.

Uh, okay.

You're the light of my life.

Oh.

Okay.

Thanks for helping us pack the car.

I'm sorry.

I didn't realize you guys were done already.

Be nice to Mom.

And please respond to my texts.

I will. Don't worry about it.

And, um... I-I'll come visit you at some point.

Okay. All right.

Yeah.

- I love you. - I love you, too.

Fly.

♪ Keep on hoping we'll eat ♪

♪ Cake by the ocean ♪

♪ Talk to me, baby... ♪

Hey.

Hey.

Uh...

I was thinking of finally seeing that Game of Thrones.

Should I binge it?

Oh, it's a, it's a pretty violent show.

You sure you could watch that?

I work in an emergency room.

Right, yeah.

So, you could probably handle a good pillage.

Yeah.

Okay, well, maybe I'll start watching it.

- Yeah. - You watch it with me?

Um, well, I actually just kind of finished it, so I-I don't...

It's really fresh in my mind, so I-I would probably...

- Okay. - I can watch some of them.

Uh, I don't think I can watch all of them again, but...

- Well... - I'll see you later, then.

All right.

Uh, are you okay?

Or...

Oh. Yeah?

Come on.

Uh, it's, it-it's...

It's okay. It's...

I-I'm here. Uh, I'm here.

Don't-don't worry about it.

She's, you know...

Well, she's only, like, 45 minutes away,

and she'll-she'll probably call in, like, five minutes.

But, hey.

You still got me, right?

Yeah.

Oh, shit.

Hey, hey!

See, you got to hold it like this.

Let's see. Oh.

- Oh, yeah! - Oh!

Hey, hey, wait. Hey, hey, guys.

Look, look.

You can't be here, man.

- Y-You got to go. - Why?

It's private property, that's why.

It's an abandoned orphanage. Why can't we be here?

Who gives a shit, man?

What are you doing here?

You fucking protecting the ghosts of dead orphans?

Look, fat Kanye, shut your damn mouth.

I'll be back in five minutes for you assholes.

If you're still here, I'm calling the cops, period.

You better get the cops, man, 'cause you're a fake cop.

- You need the real ones. - Motherfuckers.

- Fuck all of y'all. - I feel bad.

We-we were a little too mean.

- Yeah. - He's nice.

Yeah, he's a really good guy.

See, that guy... that is what is wrong with Staten Island.

We don't get any cool people from any of the other boroughs.

No one comes here.

We're stuck with the fucking pricks that live here.

You're talking about us.

Right in front of us.

Yeah, kinda.

I mean, no one comes here.

There's no flow of people. That guy's, like, 200.

We've known him since we were six.

Why can't we be cool like Brooklyn?

There's no reason we shouldn't be cool like Brooklyn.

We got amazing views. It's close to the city.

It's cheap. Nice people. It makes no sense.

We're, like, the only place that New Jersey looks down on.

You could see the garbage dump from space.

This place is never gonna change.

No, it happened to the Meatpacking District,

the Village.

Brooklyn used to be a fucking shithole.

We are next.

I'm gonna take my civil service test.

I'm gonna work in the city, in city planning.

You watch, this place is gonna be like fucking Williamsburg

- in ten years. - No, all right? No. Nobody wants that.

Why do you want to work in the city and do city planning?

That sounds so boring.

I feel like Brooklyn is better.

I dated a guy that lived in Brooklyn.

He was a mixologist.

He made ice cubes out of milk.

- He was so classy. - Shut up!

I love Staten Island.

It's amazing.

And people are gonna see it soon, trust me.

Well, if you love it so much,

why don't you let me tattoo it on you?

No, I'm not gonna let you tattoo me again.

Fine.

Well, I need somebody to tattoo.

I'm, I-I'm running out of...

Come on, Rich. What about you, man?

- Don't even look at me, dude. - Why?

Your work is mad inconsistent.

Obama ain't right.

I got the eyes wrong, okay?

He's not right.

All right, man, this has hurt me, all right?

I don't have any black friends anymore.

I can't go to a barber shop no more.

You got Obama wrong. Ain't nothing worse than that.

What about you, Igor? You want a dragon or something?

Oh, I love your tattoos.

My brother?

It's a spitting image.

- Yeah. It's one of the best. - It's my favorite.

No, no, no, no. This is my favorite.

Oh, you killed that.

- Yeah, I really worked hard on the eyes. - Just...

He's so cute. I love his butthole.

It reminds me that I have a belly button.

- So, I'm good. - Yeah, I got to go.

Watching you beg to give tattoos is too sad.

And that's freaking me out.

We're almost done.

Almost.

All right.

- You're all done. - That looks really good.

Yeah, I mean, I wish

you'd let me do something cooler, but yeah.

Oh, fuck no. That hurts so bad.

- Another dumb tattoo. - Yeah, but I-I like the pain.

The-the pain is the whole point of getting tattoos.

Don't you just love when you're getting tattooed,

and it hits the bone and pinches a nerve,

and you're like...

I'm not a fan of the pain.

You shouldn't let him do it to you, all right?

He's inconsistent.

I think that tattoo's dumb.

Y'all should've told me when you saw the design.

It says, "Unfollow me."

You don't even have that many followers.

Carla follows me.

- Bro, she's imaginary. - Carla not real.

Carla's not real, dude.

How many times do we have to say this?

She's not real.

I hate bugs, dawg.

I'm a gangster!

No, that's a bee, bro!

There's a kid down there.

- Yo, kid! - Oh, yo.

- Yo, kid, what's up? - Oh, shit, there is a kid.

What are you doing?

You hanging out on the beach? Come here, come here.

Don't-don't be shy. No stranger danger here.

I'm not gonna touch you.

- What's up, pal? - What are you doing?

I'm looking for my friend.

"Looking for my friend."

You want to be friends with us?

We're the good guys, right?

- You can hang out with us, pal. - Come on.

Let me get some of that. Put it right there.

- Ho! - You gang.

Part of the gang.

Gang.

What's that?

Uh, it's a tattoo gun.

I was giving the homeys tattoos.

I want a tattoo.

- You're a tough guy? - Really?

- Sure, young guy. You want a tattoo? - Yeah.

Dude, kid wants a tattoo. That's my guy right there.

Bro, you-you can't give him a tattoo.

- He's a little kid. - Yeah, there we go.

- You want a tattoo? - Bro, I got to practice on something.

- Yeah. - He seems old enough.

- You a tough guy? - Yeah.

You a badass.

Come on, show those muscles, kid.

- Come on. Both arms, both arms. - Yeah, there you go.

- Put 'em up. - You got tickets to the gun show?

- There it is. There it is. - All right. - There we go.

- What's your name? - Harold.

I'm-a call you Harry.

Don't. It's Harold.

- Oh. - Okay.

- Hell yeah. - I like this kid.

I need him in my life.

He has structure.

Guys, I don't think that's a good idea.

I mean... we don't listen to anything you say.

- Yeah. - Yeah, I mean, why do you even try to give us advice?

So, what do you want a tattoo of?

The Punisher.

- The Punisher? - Okay.

- That's tough, man. - All right.

He could've said anything. He said The Punisher.

Oh, yeah, I could do that. Is that it?

Yeah, that's him.

- Are you sure? - Yes.

Do I have your legal permission to do this?

- Yes. - That's good enough for me.

- How about you guys? - Holds up in court.

You guys heard it. All right.

Yo, he can't get consent. He's ten.

Now, hold still, okay? 'Cause it is permanent.

Yo, guys. Stop. Stop, stop, stop.

- Put your game face on. - Don't worry, dude.

This will just be on you for the rest of your life.

There you go.

- Look at you, tough guy. - There you go.

- I don't want to do it! - Uh...

- I don't wanna! - Well, I got to finish it.

- Now there's just a line. - Calm down, man.

- You're gonna look stupid. Sit back down. Relax. - Calm down.

- Sit down. Do it. - Relax.

- Whoa! Hey! - Hey! - Hey!

- Hey, run! Run, kid! - Hey!

Run, little man! Run!

Run!

Goddamn it.

I fucking believed in that kid, man.

He seemed so tough at first, uh, but then immediately wasn't.

That's why I don't fuck with millennials, dude.

Again, we are the millennials.

He keeps saying that, but I don't know what that means.

I regret my friendship with you guys.

Yeah, hello. My name's Raymond Bishop.

This is my son, Harold. Say hello, Harold.

I'm sorry.

What's going on?

Well, it seems your son was down in the woods

giving out free tattoos, and my son was one of his victims.

What? Well, I-I don't understand.

How do you know it was my son? How'd you get this address?

I have my ways. Believe me, I have my ways.

Are you a cop?

No, I'm a fireman, okay? I work for a living.

Look at this. Do you believe this?

You see that there? See that line?

I don't know if you burn these off or what,

but we're taking care of this

and you're paying for it, you understand me?

- I don't know what this is. - Scott! Oh.

I am... I'm so sorry.

I-I-I...

There's an aesthetic laser at the hospital where I work,

and it can completely remove it.

Uh, I get a discount.

I'm-I'm gonna pay for the whole thing.

I don't know what I'm saying. I'm... I feel terrible.

You should feel terrible!

Look at that!

- What's up? Oh, fuck. - Ah, there he is.

- You get your ass out here! - Hey, he said he was 18.

He looks like he's four, you fucking moron! Sorry.

- He consented! - He's lying.

- Harold, come on! - Course he's lying!

You can't have consent! He's nine years old!

Dad, let's go. You're embarrassing me.

We're not going anywhere, okay?

He's just a little kid!

What the fuck is wrong with you?!

Uh, he was roaming around in the woods.

He wanted a tattoo. W-Where were you?

I was at fucking work!

- Fuck you! - Hey! - Come out here!

If I was you, I'd shut your fucking mouth,

because I can call the cops right now

and have your ass thrown in jail.

- For what? - For sticking needles in a kid's arm,

you fucking dope!

Did you even raise him? Did you even raise him?

You know, there's no reason to call the cops.

I can handle this and I can also handle disciplining him.

Well, clearly you can't or you wouldn't have a middle-aged son

still living at home, tattooing minors against their will!

I asked him to do it.

- It's not his fault. - That's right. That's my man.

Go wait in the car. Harold, go on.

And don't raise your voice at me, either.

Later, Harold.

Don't say goodbye to my kid. Look both ways.

- Look both ways! - Go to your room.

- I am! - Watch your mouth.

For your information, I am not a middle-aged man.

I'm a 24-year-old man, and I'm going to my room

'cause I fucking want to.

What kind of fucking animal are you raising in this house, huh?

I'm bringing you the bill.

I don't care what it costs, all right?

- I mean, what the fuck is going on around here? - All right.

Just give me a day to arrange the laser.

All right. You know, you know something?

I-Is his father home? Where's his dad?

I-I don't, I don't want to fucking yell at you.

He's deceased.

Oh.

Well, uh...

I'm, uh, sorry for your loss.

I'm sure if he was still around,

he would agree with the fact that,

you know, you should still pay for it.

Comically huge mustache.

Is this what he looked like?

That's exactly what he looked like.

- You're scared of me. - Yeah.

Yo, he-he... And that's not funny.

He burst into the door, started screaming,

and his mustache was flapping all over the place.

- Flapping. - He looked the Monopoly Man.

It was terrifying.

"Look both ways!

Look both ways!"

- Fucking maniac. - But I will say,

probably not a good idea to tattoo children in the woods.

- Yeah, probably. - You know, you could get in trouble.

- Yeah, you could. - Why did you do that?

I don't know.

I thought I would get away with it.

Plus, I thought he was, like, at least 15, you know?

- Oh, really? - I got... Yeah, I got my first tattoo...

- How old was he? - Nine.

You thought he was 15?

- Yeah, I'm fucking... - Maybe you've been smoking too much.

I think I'm just stupid.

Uh...

No, you should see my mom, though.

- It's so weird since my sister left. - Yeah.

She's just crying all the time and, like,

- she's trying to talk to me and hang out with me. - Mm.

The other day, she asked me to go to Nordstrom Rack.

I almost slit my throat.

Did you go?

No. I pretended to be asleep.

Oh, come on, she... Maybe she needs company.

She's lonely without your sister.

Yeah, she's-she's, she's gonna be lonely.

I mean, you should've seen her at my sister's send-off party.

It was, it was really weird.

There was a party?

Yeah.

Why wasn't I invited?

To a high school graduation party?

Well, who was there?

It was, you know, it was just

family and... shit.

What, you don't want me to be around your family?

I've known them since I was ten.

Well, yeah, I just...

I didn't think it was something you would want to go to.

I'm-I'm sorry.

Come on, that's fucked up.

Why? Why is that fucked up?

Because we're, you know, doing something here.

We're... Are-are we doing something here?

I don't know, we're starting a thing.

I mean, we're having sex and we're hanging out a lot.

- I mean, it's... - I thought it was just, like,

more, you know, casual than that.

You know?

Well, you don't want me to go to any, like, life events?

Life... What's a life event?

What does that, what does that even mean?

You know what? It's fine.

- What? - No, it's fine.

Come back.

I'm sor... Wait.

Wai...

- You know what? You're right. - What?

What are you talking about? I'm never right.

No, you're right. We shouldn't do this anymore.

I don't want to fucking do this anymore.

What are you talking about? I don't understand.

It was all a mistake. It was a mistake.

But it's fine. We're on the same page.

We'll go back to what it was before.

I'll treat you like I do Oscar and Richie.

I-It's not even that.

It's just, like, I-I don't know what I want yet.

Like, I'm trying to figure my shit out.

And you should. Please do. Figure your shit out.

But we're not gonna have sex anymore, okay?

I got to go.

I should've invited you to the party!

I didn't know it was a life event!

Oh. Oh.

I-I already arranged to, uh, pay directly at the hospital.

But if you want a check, just give me two minutes, okay?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I'm-I'm... I-I want to pay.

I'm gonna pay for it. I'm gonna pay for it.

No, no, no. I'm gonna pay for it.

And I'm, and I'm also gonna talk to Scott

because that was totally out of line, totally nuts.

Yeah, I-I understand that.

But, uh, look, I just wanted to apologize, okay?

I-I got a little out of control before, uh...

You know, I just, I let my anger get the best of me.

Broke my stupid resolution.

God knows it's what messed up my marriage,

and I-I just really wanted to apologize, okay?

I mean, I was upset,

but I-I shouldn't have conveyed it that way.

There's no need to apologize.

My kid's being a fucking lunatic. It's not cool.

Oh, I... I overreacted. He's fine.

No, it's the tip of the iceberg.

Ah, you know, lot of kids do stuff like this.

Mm, kids don't do stuff like this.

He did the second-worst thing

you could do to a kid in the woods.

Well, either way, I shouldn't have behaved the way I behaved.

So, I'm truly sorry.

Apology accepted. It's nice.

Don't get many of those around here.

- Thanks. - Oh, hey, this might seem

a little crazy, but, uh...

can I take you out for a cup of coffee?

So, Scott did this.

Oh. Is that a cocker spaniel?

No. No, that's my daughter.

- That's Claire. - Oh.

Oh, yeah, yeah. I can...

- Yeah, I just thought... - No, it's okay.

- I thought those were ears. - Um, it's okay.

- That's her hair. Okay, yep. - I know. I hear that.

Scott got his first tattoo when he was 16.

- Oh, okay. - It was of Kermit the Frog.

Oh.

- That's kind of cute. - Yeah, yeah.

Kermit smoking a joint, so...

Kermit smoking a joint?

Geez, I don't remember that episode

on Sesame Street, huh?

That's kind of funny. He's a funny kid, then, huh?

- Oh, he's so funny. - Yeah?

- He's so funny. - You think he's gonna stick it out?

Uh, well, that I don't know.

I mean, I sent him to art school, but he quit.

- He-he couldn't really focus 'cause... - Oh.

He also has ADD, so he...

Anyway, he's a tattoo artist with ADD.

Well, you know what?

All the guys down at the firehouse,

they all have tattoos and stuff, you know.

Personally, I never got one, though, you know.

You know, not that I have anything against them.

I just, I just always felt I was too pasty.

- So, the firehouse, huh? - Yeah.

The old firehouse.

- Mm-hmm, the old firehouse. - Yeah.

So, you're a ladder or engine?

Ladder.

Knew it.

You got firefighters in your family?

Yeah, my husband.

- Oh, geez. Sorry. - Yeah.

Forgot.

Hey, uh, I hope this isn't too forward, but do you mind

if-if I ask what happened to your husband?

Oh, it was a hotel fire.

The roof collapsed.

He went in to save somebody.

They told him it wasn't safe, but, you know, he was like that.

- Wait, Stan Carlin was your husband? - Mm-hmm.

- Paramount Hotel fire? - Yeah, yeah.

Did you know him?

- You, you... Or you heard... - No, no, no, I...

Hung out with him or...?

No, I j... I just heard about him.

- Oh. - He was a real brave guy.

- Yeah. - He was kind of a,

kind of a legend, to be honest with you.

Yeah. Yeah.

And Scott was only seven when it happened, so...

- Oh, that's tough. - A lot of consequences.

- Yeah, that's a tough situation, but... - Yeah.

But I-I got to tell you, you did a great job, you know?

See, I mean, I...

I know we had a little bit of a difference there,

- but, I mean, he's a good kid. - Uh-huh.

And I got to tell you, if-if the worst he's doing is-is,

you know, a couple unlawful tattoos,

- you-you did a hell of a job. - Yeah.

Yeah, I don't think that's the worst he's doing, though.

Oh.

- Yeah. - Well, I don't know.

You know, uh, that's how kids are, you know?

Everybody gets it at a different time.

Anyways, what are you, uh...

I-I'm just sitting here, doing all the talking here.

What do you, what do you do?

I'm a nurse.

I'm a school nurse.

I'm also an ER nurse.

- You work in the ER? - Mm-hmm.

Jesus Christ, Margie, we probably met each other.

Could be.

So, how you doing?

I'm...

very tired.

Really? Well, you don't look tired.

No, seriously, you look great.

- Really? - Yeah.

I just don't, like... I mean, are you flirting with me or...?

- Yeah. - Yeah?

Yeah, a lot. This is, this is what it looks like.

It is really subtle. I couldn't...

I can't tell what's going on.

This is how it looks. I'm very subtle.

All right.

- I'm rusty. You're subtle. - Okay.

- Yeah, yeah. - Nice to meet you.

I see you out there, man. You're doing great.

Keep... Just keep doing what you're doing.

Have a good time, you know?

The more fun you have, the more fun the customers have.

All right, thanks.

Hey, busboy, why is table 12 still dirty?

Oh, 'cause they were talking.

I didn't think I should interrupt them, but...

Interrupt them. Get them out of here.

- All right. - Do your job.

- Sorry. Whoa. - Take it easy there, brother.

- My bad. - Jesus. - Thank you.

Uh, hi. Uh, are you done enjoying your meal?

There is food in my mouth, and I am chewing.

Do you think that I'm finished?

I'm just holding this for my health?

- Get me some water. - Sorry.

- Hey, come here. Come here. Can we order? - Uh, yeah.

- I'll go get your waiter. - Whoa, whoa, whoa. No, no, no.

We don't have time for that. We're in a hurry.

I'm starving.

Okay. Can I go?

Usually, the woman goes first, but go ahead.

- No, no, no, no. - Oh, yeah?

- How about I'm paying? - All right.

Can I have a chicken parm with meat sauce?

No marinara.

Thin. Thin chicken parm.

Why aren't you writing it down?

Yeah, I-I can't actually because, uh, I'm not a waiter.

I'm just a busboy, so they don't even give me a pen.

Memorize it. Yeah.

Seafood pasta. That's what I want.

No clams, okay? Double up on the shrimp.

That's how I always get it. We come here all the time.

I'm not gonna remember a word you guys just said.

It's not rocket science. Just go.

- Get our shit. - Oh, I'm... All right.

I'm starving.

♪ Send me the addy, I'm hunting 'em down ♪

♪ Send me the addy, I'm hunting 'em down ♪

♪ Grrt, grrt... ♪

There a dance party or something?

- It's fight night. - All right, fight night!

Tournament of champions!

Fighting for tips.

Who's going? Who's going first?

- I, Zoots. - Zoots.

- Everyone fights for their tips. - The tips that we earn?

Y-Yeah, but you have to fight for them now.

Who wants some?! Huh?!

- Huh? - Who got it?! - It's you, bro.

- No way. No, no way. - Put the gloves on.

Get in there. Get in there. Hit him.

- Hey, yo. - Hey.

I don't want... Please, I don... I-I don't want to do this.

- Let's just not do this. - You don't want to do this?

- What do you mean? - No, well, 'cause we're friends, right?

Yeah, no, for the next 15 seconds,

this friendship is over, son.

- Understand that? - What?

- Hmm? - What?

Got to understand, fighting is serious.

- I don't like it. - It's sacred.

It's how I tribute my Lord and Savior.

- What? - It's the way I tribute

my Lord and Savior, Jesus.

I don't think Jesus would want you

to kick my ass right now.

He would want me to have these tips.

- That's what he means. - You can have the tips.

I don't even want 'em.

- What is this? - I don't know.

What's this shit?

I've seen Creed a f... a couple times.

- What'd you do? - I seen Creed a couple times.

- Oh. - Are we about to do the Cotton Eye Joe?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- Come on, son. - Okay.

- Yeah. Okay. - Come on, son. Oh, that's right.

You gonna come this way? Come this way, boy.

- Okay. - Come on. Go ahead, take your shot, boy.

- Go ahead, take your shot, boy. - For real?

- Uh-huh, yeah. Come on! - Ooh!

Now we are friends,

- goddamn it! - Oh, geez.

Take that shit. Yeah!

We friends now, nigga, 'cause that's what friends are for.

Out this bitch.

♪ Zoots done did it again, uh ♪

♪ Said Zoots done did it again, ah... ♪

I think we have a winner.

- Come here. - Mm-hmm.

Mm.

Mm. Let me just...

- Just want to get this sweater off. - Okay.

And I want to turn off this light.

Let me turn it off.

- Okay. - Okay.

Just one-one second.

Let me, let me, let me turn off this light.

Got a lot of lamps, huh?

It's like a store or something.

Come here.

Mm.

- ♪ Nice ♪ - ♪ Oh ♪

♪ You what's up, girl, ain't got to ask it ♪

♪ I dead 'em all now, I buy the caskets ♪

♪ They should arrest you or whoever dressed you ♪

♪ Ain't gon' stress you ♪

♪ But I'm-a let you know, girl, you be killin' 'em ♪

♪ You be killin' 'em ♪

♪ Girl, you be killin' 'em ♪

♪ Uh-uh, oh ♪

♪ Often imitated, never duplicated ♪

♪ They say she a dime, I say she underrated ♪

- ♪ Nice ♪ - ♪ I just met her ♪

♪ So the next solution ♪

♪ Dead my old chick, execution ♪

♪ You what's up, girl, ain't got to ask it ♪

♪ I dead 'em all now, I buy the caskets ♪

♪ Girl, you be killin' 'em ♪

♪ You be killin' 'em ♪

♪ Girl, you be killin' 'em ♪

♪ You be killin' 'em ♪

♪ Girl, you be killin' 'em... ♪

- Scott? - Yo.

Come sit down.

I need to talk to you about something.

What's up?

Someone die?

No, no, nobody's dead.

Thank God.

I'm seeing somebody.

What does that mean?

Uh, uh, I'm seeing a man.

Well, I-I've been dating someone for a little while now.

You're dating someone?

That-That's awesome.

Like, w-why are you dating him secretly, you little slut?

W-Why didn't you tell me?

Is he, like, really, really old or...

or is he really, really young?

Is it one of my friends? Is it Igor?

No, no, no. I just, I...

I just didn't want to bother you unless it was really serious.

Bother? You're my mom.

I hope you're getting banged out real good.

Who's the lucky guy?

Uh, it's, um...

It's Ray.

Who's Ray?

Remember the kid you tattooed?

His father.

- That fucking prick? - Yeah, I know.

He's a really nice man, and he's really good to me.

- And he's a fireman. - He's a fireman?!

That's fucked up.

- Why? - W-What do you mean, why?

I mean, uh, you haven't dated anyone in 17 years since Dad,

and the first guy you date is a fireman?

You don't think that's a little fucking weird?

I got nothing against firemen.

Neither do I, but the-the guy doesn't like me,

and he has the same job as Dad, like...

I'm fucked up as it is, Mom. Like, I have Crohn's, okay?

There's something wrong up here. Huh.

I can't find my watch!

What are you trying to do to me here?!

Haven't I been through enough?!

Wait, what did I, what did I do wrong?

W-What did I do wrong? What did I do?

What... I'm sorry. Like, what did I do?

I'm not, I'm not doing it to you.

I just... I-I don't want to be alone the rest of my life.

I don't want you to be alone, either.

That would suck, but, like, come on. This is, like...

This is pretty obvious this is not a good choice, right?

I would like us to have dinner.

I... This is very, very important to me.

I am in a serious relationship...

- You're in a serious rela... - ...with a very nice man.

With that guy?! Come on!

Y-You don't love him, do you?

You're not say... You're not, like, saying that, right?

I-I... Well, we don't use that word yet.

But if he said it to me, I-I would say it back.

Oh, my God! Jesus!

Do you not learn?!

Look what happened last time!

- You want to do that again? - Okay. All right?

How about this?

How about we come by the restaurant

and we have dinner when you're working

and you just come by and you just say hi?

Just say hi a couple times. How about that?

How about that?

How about... Why don't you ask him?

Huh?

Why don't you just build

another shrine to Ray while you're at it?

Right across from Dad's so they can be fucking pals!

Yeah, I like that better.

But I'm actually finding you funny

'cause you're really funny.

Look at this guy.

- Having the time of his life. - Mm-hmm.

Acting like he owns the place.

I know that guy. Eggplant parmesan.

Oh. I'll be.

Your moms is a bit of a baddie.

She look postcoital.

- What's "postcoital"? - It's like post-fucking,

but it's your mom, so I want to be nice.

But, uh, oh, it's definitely happening.

Postcoital.

If you ever come to see me,

if you ever come see me, that's...

- It'll happen that night, I guarantee it. - Yeah, I know.

Oh, here he is.

- Hey. - Hey.

- How you doing? - Good. How are you?

Good to see you again. Yeah.

Uh, I'm-I'm really sorry for branding your kid.

Oh, no, no, no. It's-it's fine. It's fine.

Cost 350, but I didn't make your mom pay for it.

But, uh, hey, no harm, no foul.

You know? 'Cause, uh, if that didn't happen, I, uh...

wouldn't have met this lovely lady.

Oh, well, happy to help.

Things work out.

Yeah.

Thank God I did what I did, then.

Uh, would you guys like to start with still

or, uh, sparkling water?

- Oh, let's go sparkling. - Uh, spar... Yeah.

Yeah? You like sparkling?

- Yeah. - Okay.

Yeah. Oh, can we get some more bread, too?

- Usually go still. - You know?

Last time I came here, it came out hot.

- Yeah. - It was... oh, it was perfect.

It's like my mom made it.

Sure.

Sparkling and hot bread.

All right. Thanks, buddy.

Oh, you just can't spit on that like that, man.

You got to be crafty. You can't just go out at, like...

You got to, you got to maneuver.

Lick on it or put a boogie in it or something.

You think I can fit this whole thing in my ass?

If, uh, you really put your mind to it, bro.

Hey, I saw him spit in the bread.

All right, scorching hot bread.

- Oh, thank you. - Yeah.

Your mom's in the john. Have a seat.

Oh, don't worry, you're not gonna get in trouble.

Just for a minute.

All right.

So... how, uh, how you liking the job here?

Uh, it eats ass.

You know, I remember I... Back in the day,

I used to work at that, uh, you know that pizza parlor

- down there on Main Street? - Mm.

You remember the one? Yeah. I-I used to work down there.

I loved it. You know, making the pizzas.

Girls would come in, you know.

It's like they just had to talk to me.

Yeah.

Well, that's awesome.

I'm glad you got laid a lot at your pizza place.

All right. Listen, Scott.

I-I know this is weird, okay?

You and your mom were alone together for a long time.

You got set in your ways, you know?

You got used to things.

But I don't know, I just feel like

your mother deserves more right now.

And I'm serious, I really think that I can make her happy,

and she makes me happy.

So, I mean, that-that's a good thing, right?

Yeah. Yeah, I think it's a great thing.

I... I want my mom to be happy more than anything, so...

Good. I do, too.

So, uh, what's your sport?

- Uh, I like basketball. - Oh, yeah?

- Mm-hmm. - What position?

Uh, I played small forward.

- Small forward. - Yeah.

All right. I'm kind of a baseball guy myself.

- Oh, yeah? - You like, uh...

I'm an old man. I like that stuff.

I got season tickets to the Yankees.

- No way. Really? That's cool. - Yeah.

I think it's Staten Island's year.

Oh, Staten Island Yankees.

- Minor League. - Oh, absolutely.

I'm not gonna go pay to see those overpaid crybabies.

They try harder at the Minor League level.

Plus, I'm a Red Sox fan. I'm never setting foot

- in that stadium. - Well, I-I should get back

to work, uh, before I get yelled at.

- Okay. Go ahead. - So, yeah.

- Absolutely. All right. - All right, man.

Uh, enjoy the hot bread.

- Hey. - Okay, cool.

Hey.

What are you fellas talking about?

- Hey, Mom. - Oh, I was just asking Scott

if he wanted to go to a Yankee game sometime.

Oh, what did Scott say?

S-Scott... Scott said yeah.

All right, who's fighting tonight?!

I want to fight somebody!

Oh, I'm sorry, Pepe.

Don't take this personally.

Oh!

What happened?

That was just a jab.

Oh, it's okay, Pepe.

- It's all right. - You s... You sure?

Yeah.

I-I mean, I never done that before, so...

I feel bad for you.

♪ Down on the corner ♪

♪ Out in the street ♪

♪ Willy and the Poor Boys... ♪

How you doing? Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.

♪ Rooster hits the washboard ♪

♪ And people just got to smile ♪

♪ Blinky thumps the gut bass and solos for a while ♪

♪ Poor Boy twangs the rhythm out... ♪

May I please remind you

that there is no flash photography.

How are you? How are you? You guys still sober?

- Shitty throw. Shitty throw, though. - That's how you do it!

All right, there we go. There we go.

Let's go, baby, let's go.

Look alive!

Think we're gonna take these pansy Spinners tonight?

Oh, man, we can't take the Spinners,

- you might as well just shut it down. - Mm.

We should just pack it in,

send these guys back to Single-A.

My kid's Little League team could give these guys

a run for their money.

These guys are all on the job, too.

The old ballbuster here...

he's the senior man of the house.

Did you call me a senior?

You're the one who's bald.

Come on, Papa. I'm just fucking around.

Hey, you want a hot dog?

Oh, no, I can't. I, uh, I have Crohn's.

What's that?

It's, like, when the lining of your stomach is all messed up,

so it makes you shit all the time.

Oh, thanks for sharing.

Next time, just say, "I don't want a hot dog."

All right, I'm just trying to spread awareness.

There we go. There we go.

- Nice hit. Nice hit. - Looking good, guys.

Way to hustle.

Number 26...

Hey, uh...

you ever think about putting on the jacket?

- No. - What are you laughing about?

'Cause it's a stupid question, Ray.

- What do you mean, stupid? - It's fucking stupid.

Would you ask the kids of that teacher who blew up in space

if they want to be an astronaut?

Whoa, I don't think that lady had any kids, though.

Yeah, I'm sure she didn't 'cause she died in space.

It's hard to have kids when you're dead in space.

Look, I-I could tell you how I feel about firemen,

but I-I don't think you guys want to hear my opinion.

- No, no, no, please tell us. - No, no. No, no, no.

- No. I want to hear it. - You don't got to do this, man.

- Come on. - All right, no.

- Yeah. Okay, how about this? - Come on, you don't...

Uh, if you're a fireman, just don't have kids

or a family at all, okay?

So that way, you don't fucking crush them

when you don't come home that one time, you know?

And-and you're just so selfish.

You just hang out with your boys all day

like it's a fucking frat house.

Half the time, you're not even putting out fires.

You're just jerking off, watching Scarface, okay?

- All right, take it easy, man. - No, I'm just saying.

And it's wrong to tell a kid that you're gonna be there

for him for his whole entire life.

Yeah, but you miss graduation, your birthdays, okay?

Uh, my d... my prom dances.

That's a very mean thing to do to children.

And, uh, if you have a family,

- y-you're an asshole. - No, listen, no.

Take it easy, take it easy.

- Well, that's one way to look at it. - Yeah.

Tell that to my dad.

Oh, but you can't, 'cause he's dead.

Anybody got a good response to that?

Yeah!

Again!

Whoo!

What a game. What a game.

So, what, I shouldn't have kids?

No, you... you should have kids.

I'm gonna have kids.

You know, maybe you should take a cue

from your shirt, you know? Smile.

Lighten up.

That's actually kind of funny.

Guy's all right. Why can't you be more like him?

He's all right.

Why can't you not embarrass me like this?

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I embarrassed you in front of your friends.

And just-just stick to your guns.

All right? It'll be fine.

Hey. Hey!

Come on in.

Come have breakfast with us.

I made pancakes, and I made the sausage that you like,

an omelet.

Come, come, come, come sit.

Man, these eggs are spectacular.

With the onions and the peppers.

I love it. I love it.

Did, uh, did he sp-spend the night?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

He slept here.

In this house.

I'm an adult. I can do that.

I-I need to talk to you about something.

Okay.

I was thinking that it's time

to think about getting your own apartment.

What?

W-Why would you say that?

Well...

You are so awesome.

And I think I've been there for you too much.

'Cause sometimes in life, the thing that's motivating

is when people don't have that safety net.

Right, right, but I need that safety net

'cause I don't have my shit together.

So, like, uh, w-why are you doing this?

Is this 'cause of him?

No.

It's just you're 24 years old now.

24. I mean, Phelps had a fistful of gold medals by 24.

Why are you talking?

I'm just giving you some perspective, that's all.

You know, Wayne Gretzky had, like, 96 goals when he was 24.

W-What?

Roger Staubach graduated West Point,

won a Heisman Trophy, fought in the Vietnam War,

and then joined the Cowboys by the time he was 24.

I don't know who that is, so, s-so who-who gives a fuck?

I think that maybe you're-you're ready

and you just don't even know it.

So, you're kicking me out?

No, no.

I just want you to get your own apartment by summer.

Right, so you're kicking me out of the house.

That's nine months from now.

I mean, you-you could have a baby in nine months.

It's a long time.

Are you moving in? Are you trying to push me out?

What, like, what did I do? I-I thought we were cool.

Scott, Scott, let's all be adults here. Come on.

Your mother has worked very hard for a very long time.

And I'm gonna retire in a couple years,

so things are gonna change around here, but in a good way.

I mean, w-we think you... that you can do great things.

Yeah, I know I'm gonna do great things.

But, like, I don't need you to tell me that, like...

This is... What's going on?

This is... I-I...

I don't like this.

So, be that as it may,

until you leave... which is gonna be good for you

and it's gonna be motivating...

you're gonna have to pull your weight

a little more around here.

And one thing that we thought would help you contribute...

would be easy, wouldn't be hard to do...

is to help Ray bring his kids back and forth to school

when he can't do it because of work.

Like now.

Like today.

You're joking, right?

You want me to take your kid to school?

The kid that I tattooed?

I got two kids. The other one's seven.

You're gonna make me babysit your kids?

Do... I'm on... I do drugs.

Well, looks like you're walking.

And thank you.

I'm not cool with any of this, okay?

And-and where do you expect me to live?

And w-with what money?

You know I'm a fucking bum, right?

Yo, this is fucked up! Seriously.

Especially after last night, all that bonding boy bullshit.

You're full of shit, man.

You're a fucking liar.

I'm gonna go walk your kids.

No, I'm not fucking letting you take 'em.

Fuck you. Who the fuck are you?

Yeah, I-I agree with you completely.

Why... 'cause that... It was Ray's idea.

I don't think I should be taking them, either.

I agree with you.

Are you a weirdo?

Oh, the weirdest.

Nobody's weirder than me.

See, a weirdo wouldn't say that.

A weirdo would deny it.

So, do I have to take 'em or...?

Yes.

God, no.

I mean, Ray was supposed to do it.

I can't fucking do it.

Their schools start half an hour apart

on the other side of town.

So, your mom is banging my ex?

Yeah, I'm not thrilled about it, either.

Yeah, well, you shouldn't be.

Harold. Kelly.

Come here. Come here.

There's something, something kind of fun.

Come here. Come here.

Oh, hey, man.

So, this is Harold, and this is Kelly.

And, uh, this is...

Scott.

Scott. He's gonna be taking care of you.

- Okay? It... - Nice to meet you, Scott.

Hi, Harold. It's nice to meet you.

For the very first time.

If he does anything weird,

you tell me.

Even if he tells you not to tell me, you tell me.

I'm pretty sure he's not weird, but I could be wrong.

'Kay?

- Love you. - Okay.

- Love you, Mom. - Seriously.

Love you, Mom. Bye.

Pay attention.

Got it.

Hold both their hands!

Thank you.

Look both ways. Look both ways!

Tell her to stop.

God!

So, w-what do you like to do, Harold?

I like superheroes.

Well, so does everybody.

No, I make up my own.

Oh, yeah? What kind?

Ice Flash.

What does he do?

He freezes stuff and shoots ice at people.

Oh, well, that's not gonna work.

Why not?

I could just use a hair dryer and ruin him.

Keep thinking, though.

What do you got? What do you like to do?

- I like to sing. - You do?

Could-could you sing for me?

Sure.

♪ Oh, what a beautiful morning ♪

Yes.

♪ Oh, what a beautiful day ♪

All right.

♪ I've got a wonderful feeling ♪

♪ Everything's going my way. ♪

That shit was dope. High five.

She's a good singer.

I don't agree with the sentiment of the song,

but it was really great.

Anyway, have a great day at school.

Uh... I hope it's not shitty,

and, um, yeah, give your, uh, sister a kiss goodbye.

- We don't do that. - Just do it.

See? Wasn't that nice?

Now, if she dies tomorrow, you'll remember that,

that you kissed her goodbye.

Have a good day at school.

- Later, man. - Pay attention.

- Why would I die? - I don't know.

You never know what's gonna happen.

Think you're immortal?

This. It's this one.

Okay. All right.

Well, have a good day, okay?

- Okay. - I'll see you soon, I guess.

- Can-can I help you? - Oh, hi.

I'm-I'm Ray's friend.

I was just here to bring her here.

- You-you know Ray? - I know Ray a little bit.

He's kind of, like, banging my mom.

So, yeah, I'm just, you know,

just dropping her off.

Did you sign in at the office?

No. I didn't even know you had an office.

Okay, um...

Kelly? You okay?

Yeah.

- You sure? - Yeah.

You know you can tell me.

I'm okay.

Do you know him?

Yeah, kind of.

He's a new friend.

Okay.

Oh, I trained her in the car. She's not gonna break.

I'm just kidding.

It's, uh... I'm not gonna hurt her.

Um, but have a great day. I just...

No, uh, actually, could you, uh, set up the paints?

- No. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Uh, and just wash these brushes. - No.

- Thank you so much. - No. No.

- Thank you! - No.

Did-did you happen to get a chance

- to take a look at the, uh... - Yeah, I looked at your book.

I mean, I drew like that, too, when I was 14.

From what I saw, you don't really have the basics,

so you got to figure that out.

Well, yeah, that's why I'm here.

I mean, I was hoping I can learn from you.

Right, well, um, you'd be my apprentice.

Uh, you'll be a slave to the shop.

- Hey, man. As long as I get to tattoo people, right? - No.

Never. Until I say.

Uh, you'll be sterilizing needles, washing my car,

taking the trash out.

I mean, you're basically our bitch.

So, how much will I be, like, making here?

- Dick. - Dick.

Okay, well...

It's a long line of people who want this job, man.

How do I, like, pay my rent?

That one right there is not my problem.

It's your first day, you're already complaining.

It's kind of weird, huh?

Yeah, let's not do this.

You should take a walk.

- Pussy. - All right.

Well, could I ask you a question?

If I did work here?

Why is he still here?

Let's say some idiot walks in, right?

And he wants to get a tattoo of a Confederate flag

wrapped around the Grim Reaper.

You could tell that guy to go fuck himself, right?

'Cause that's a ridiculous tattoo to ask for.

It's not my place to judge people, man.

I don't do that.

Well, what if another guy walked in and he wanted to get

a tattoo of his dead friend James on his chest, right?

But you know James, and you don't want

to give him the tattoo, 'cause you know James

and he's an asshole and that the world's

better off without him.

- What do you do then? - You have a death wish?

No, I don't have a death wish.

But that lady on the motorcycle does.

She's not even wearing any underwear.

- She's gonna burn her pussy. - Do you want to do this?

You really want to fucking do this?

I don't want to do anything with you.

I just want to know who killed James.

Was it the Confederate flag man?

Was it the motorcycle lady?

I got to be honest, Kelsey, you look exactly like your picture.

You're kind of thicker, more robust.

Oh, thank you.

- Yeah. - It's a compliment.

You look a little bit like Antonio Banderas,

if I squint really hard.

Oh, please squint all night long.

That's great.

Chelsea, you are... I mean, Kelsey, I'm sorry.

- Th-That's all right. It's only... - Yeah, you know.

What's your name again?

- I forgot already. - Um, it's Jake.

Sorry about that.

So, uh, w-what do you do?

Oh, I'm studying to work in the city.

- Oh. - Um, I want to make

Staten Island, like, a great place again.

Staten Island's already cool. What are you talking about?

Yeah, it is.

- Yeah. Yeah, it is. - You're the first person here to say that.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

It's the best place on Earth.

Well, at least on the East Coast, I think.

Excuse me.

Oh, hey.

- Hey. - Hi.

- Hello. - Hey.

- Hey. - Hey.

Uh, would you guys like, uh, still or sparkling water?

Um, you pick.

Uh, I'm more of a sparkling guy,

- so sparkling. - Sparkling it is.

But I do like tequila, so if I could

get just a Patrón, you know, with a rock.

- That cool with you? - That's fine. Yeah, that's fine.

- Yeah? Cool. Yeah, I prefer a tequila. - Cool.

Tequila and rock. You guys want, like, warm bread or...

uh, olive oil?

Warm bread.

Oh.

Bro, did you scare off another customer?

What's wrong with you?

I'm so sorry about that.

He has, like, nepotism, you know?

Is that a disease?

Yeah, it's a bad one.

I brought that guy here to make you jealous.

You could give a fuck.

T-To make me jea...

- You don't seem jealous or upset at all. - I do care.

Of course I care.

I chose the hottest guy on Tinder.

Look at me. Look at me.

Look at my tits.

There is literally the Eiffel Tower...

it's holding them up in here.

You look great. I'm...

Thank you.

Please don't cry here. Please.

You look awful.

What? What do you mean? What are you...

Your skin looks see-through and the circles around your eyes

are so dark you look like an anorexic panda.

I... Well, I-I know.

- I know I do. - I don't know.

You always look sick and pale like you have a disease

but you don't know it yet, but you literally look like

if I touched you, you'd just turn to dust.

I'm sorry. I-I'm not doing very well.

I-I'm not, you know... I...

Well, what do I tell your date?

I don't know. Tell him to fuck off.

I met him ten minutes ago. He's a DJ.

Why do you not think ice is a good superpower?

It's amazing. I mean...

Ice Flash can do anything with his ice.

And it's indestructible

'cause it's superhero ice.

He can make giant shields that reflect anything.

He can make giant ice tanks,

giant ice planes and giant jets,

helicopters that shoot giant missiles.

I mean, think of all the possibilities.

That's actually kind of cool.

- Thanks. - You came up with that?

Yeah.

You're getting, like, really good at this.

Thanks.

What color is his shield?

It's, well, the color of ice.

Well, what's the color of ice? Is it, like, see-through?

Like, light blue ice or is it like...?

It's blue ice 'cause it's...

- it's, like, superhero ice, and it's cool. - Right.

You remember that kid Ronnie?

His uncle owns the pharmacy.

He gave me the key. We're gonna load up on oxys.

So, we're robbers now. That's our future.

Nah. Nah, nah, nah, nah. We're gonna do this one time.

Get the money to seed our dreams.

Get that venture capital.

Open that tattoo restaurant you wanted.

It's not that big a deal. Jay-Z did it.

He sold crack to fund his rap career.

Aren't most of Jay-Z's friends, like, dead or in jail?

Yeah, but we're Jay-Z in this situation.

We're not Jay-Z's friends.

We can't all be Jay-Z.

There can't be four Jay-Zs. That doesn't make any sense.

You guys know I'd do anything for you, right?

Thank you.

- Appreciate you. - Just not this. I'm out.

What are you talking about?

- What? - This is crazy.

Hey, we need you, all right? You're the lookout.

Literally anybody can be the lookout.

- I don't need to be a part of this. - No, no, no, no, no, no.

We need you. You're our best friend.

- We trust you. - Wha...

Well, best friends don't make other best friends

do stupid illegal shit.

You make me do stupid shit for you all the time.

- Like what? - Uh, I don't know.

What about the time when you thought

- you had testicular cancer? - Here we go.

- Knew this was gonna come up. - All right?

And then I drive over and you make me touch your nuts.

I would've done it for you, bro.

You're like, "Hey, yo, there's something wrong with my ass."

- I'd be like, "Yo, bend over." - Come on.

After everything we've done for you?

What do you do for me?

I let you tattoo my whole body.

So what? You love my tattoos.

You use me as a human sketchbook.

I-I-I-I don't, really.

I don't. Not as much as I say I do.

I'm out of here. My bad.

You know what?

You're a real bitch!

- You're a bitch! - Shh.

Yo, don't shush me.

- Oh. - My God, look how excited she is.

- I'm assuming that's her. - I started running too early!

Hey! Oh.

Oh, oh, oh, you're so skinny.

- Have you been eating? - Yeah.

- Hi. - Hey.

How are you?

This is Ray.

- Hey. How you doing? - Oh.

- Nice to finally meet you. - Nice to meet you.

Yeah, I feel like I already know you.

Your mom talks about you all the time.

- Oh, God. - Oh.

No, only good stuff, only good stuff.

Should we go eat? I am so sick of eating off a tray.

- You hungry? - Yeah, I could eat.

- Could always eat. - Uh-huh.

Beautiful school.

"Yeah, I could eat. I could always eat."

Fucking asshole.

Look at those two angels, huh?

- Yeah, I know them. - Yeah.

- Mm-hmm. - You walk them to school, don't you?

- Yeah, I know who they are. - Oh, my God.

- She's so cute. - Look. Look at those curls.

We took them to see Stomp Off-Broadway.

- They went crazy! - Oh, my God.

I love Stomp.

What's Stomp? What is that?

It's the greatest musical of all time.

Yeah, it's, like, that show where

people play the drums on, like, garbage cans

and, like, tap with broomsticks.

- Stuff around the house. - Yeah.

Like, you just see a toaster,

we make an English muffin.

They-they see a whole song. It's incredible.

I know a homeless guy that plays trash can lids

on the subway, for a dollar.

And then he took a shit on the platform.

Oh. Well, you know.

I don't know if he's gonna get a Tony for that, but...

Maybe if they keep practicing and get an adult diaper,

they can, uh, get to Broadway someday.

Yeah.

So, are you guys really serious?

Uh-oh.

Well, actually,

I'm going up to Boston to meet his parents at Thanksgiving.

- Oh. - What? You're going to Boston to...

for Thanksgiving? To wha...

Well, where-where am I gonna go?

- Ah, you'll come. You can come. - Yeah, me, too.

- We can all go. - Yeah, we'd love to have you up there. - Oh.

You think you're gonna get married again?

Oh, boy, look what I got us into.

Claire.

Well, you know what? I'll...

I'll, uh, I'll answer that, you know?

A couple of months ago, I would've said no, but...

Uh, can we go?

Scott.

Don't be rude.

Me? I'm not being rude.

He's talking the entire time.

Wha... He's the one being rude.

Was just making conversation.

Okay, so what did you want to say?

- Cut this shit. - Tell us now. - All I wanted to say

was I think it's time to go, okay?

I had a great time. This is wonderful.

I think we all bonded.

It's time to leave now, all right?

Well, we're going to a party later,

if you want to come with us.

You just can't embarrass me.

Sure, whatever. Let's just get the fuck out of here.

He's in a good mood.

Try doing it your entire life.

- We're gonna have a good night. - Oh, yeah.

No, we're not. I hate college parties.

You've never been to a college party.

Come on, just enjoy it.

- Relax. Go with it, okay? - Yes, relax.

♪ Five, four, three, two, I let one go, bow ♪

♪ Get the fuck, though, I don't bluff, bro ♪

♪ Aiming at your head like a buffalo ♪

♪ What the fuck, though? Where the love go... ♪

What's your major?

It's, uh, uh, evolutionary sociology

with-with a splash of bio.

Oh. I-I didn't know you could do that.

Yeah, you can do whatever the fuck you want. It's college.

♪ I don't huff, though, yellow diamonds up close ♪

♪ Catch a sunstroke ♪

♪ At your front door with a gun stowed ♪

♪ Put the green in the bag like a lawn mower ♪

♪ Hair trigger pulled back like a cornrow ♪

♪ What the fuck, bro? Where the love go? ♪

I like your tattoos.

I'm an actress, so, like, I don't think

I can get that many tattoos, because, like,

what if I get cast as, like, an angelic role?

Like, I'm kind of, like, a young Winona Ryder.

So, like, I could play those parts, and, like, also, like,

back when Shakespeare was writing plays, like...

♪ Five, four, three, two, I let one go ♪

♪ Bow, get the fuck, though, I don't bluff, bro ♪

♪ Aiming at your head like a buffalo ♪

- What do you think? - What is that?

It's a butthole.

- Get it? - Oh, my God.

♪ What the fuck, though? Where the love go? ♪

♪ Oh! ♪

- Uh-huh. - So, we're talking about how the one percent

keeps, like, getting bigger and bigger and bigger,

and the wealth inequality is just out of control,

and we can't continue with capitalism this way.

Yeah, I'm s... I'm sick of the rat race.

Yeah, no, exactly.

Like, what happened to the American dream?

I know. It's like an American nightmare now.

- Oh, my... Yeah, exa... - Right?

♪ What the fuck, though? Where the love go? ♪

♪ Five, four, three, two, I let one go, bow ♪

- Bring it... Oh, shit! - Oh! Oh, shit!

Oh, shit!

That was fucking fun.

I know. It was so fun.

Yeah, like, I feel like,

I feel like I kind of fit in for once, you know?

And not everybody hated me for the first time.

You should come here.

Yeah? You think I can get into a place like this?

I mean, you'd need a good GPA.

Yeah, well, I don't have a good one of those.

I-I didn't even graduate high school.

Don't you have to graduate high school to go to college?

Yeah, but it's not, like, too late to do that.

All right, even so, you know, I-I'm a little too old.

I'd look like a narc, you know?

I would look creepy in the corner.

Everybody'd be like, "What's that guy doing here?"

Everybody here is so old.

All right, well, I'm fucking stupid, Claire, okay?

Is that what you want me to say?

I can't pay attention. I can't sit still, okay?

I'm stupid. I'm a dumb idiot.

I would have to work ten times harder than those people.

And everybody would fucking make fun of me,

and I'm not ready to deal with that again, all right? So, no.

So, that's it?

Huh?

That's how long you're gonna think about

going to college for?

I mean, that was, like, a 40-second walk.

Uh, that's a lot of consideration, don't you think?

Okay.

- It's your journey. - Indeed.

Now, let's get down to brass tacks, all right?

W-What are we gonna do about Ray?

- What do you mean? - Don't act stupid.

I mean, h-how are we gonna, you know,

get Mom to break up with him?

I think he seems fine.

- You think he's fine? - What do you want?

It's Mom's choice to make. We don't need to get involved.

Yeah, I know, but we should still protect her.

She can't just be with

the first guy she's been with since Dad.

She got to, like, peruse some dick.

Mom doesn't need to peruse dick.

- You know she needs to. - I think she seems happy.

You want her to have sex with a ton of people?

No, but, yeah, kind of.

- I mean... - That's gross.

Well, if you knew something was bad before it even started,

wouldn't you stop it if you had the chance?

It's like that whole baby Hitler thing, you know?

If you had the chance to kill baby Hitler before it grew up,

wouldn't you do it?

Wouldn't you strangle it until its eyes popped out?

So, Ray's baby Hitler?

Yeah. In this situation, he is, yeah.

He's baby Hitler.

So, do you want to help me kill baby Hitler?

Okay, you're right, Scott. You're right.

- I'll see you tomorrow. - Claire!

Claire!

Tell you, Claire really seems like

she's enjoying school, you know?

Yeah.

She's just blossoming.

Yeah.

Girl just seems like she could take on the world.

I'll tell you,

whatever you did with her, you did it right.

Dump some of that on Scott, you know?

What do you think about his tattoo restaurant idea?

I think it's terrible.

Getting a tattoo is like, uh... it's a medical procedure.

You don't want to go to the hospital

and order supper, you know?

I just love that he has big dreams, but he's just so lost.

I mean, no matter how much I try

to fill him with good energy, he just...

he's got no self-esteem.

He's really going nowhere.

Don't be so hard on yourself.

Scientists have been doing studies.

They say a lot of this stuff is genetic.

You know, you inherit it from your grandparents.

So blame them.

♪ When ♪

♪ When ♪

Let's go.

♪ When... ♪

Right. If anybody sees us

or you hear sirens or anything bad, you text me, "You up?"

Could I just text you something else?

That sounds like I'm trying to bang you, kind of.

- Just do it. - Fine.

- Fine. - Let's go.

- Let's roll. - Hold on.

All right, let's go.

Good luck, homey.

Love you, Scott.

Oh, shit.

This is real.

♪ When ♪

Yes! All right.

You're dead.

What's going on?!

What the fuck?

- Who are you?! - You're not supposed to be here.

What are you talking about?! It's my store!

Who are you talking to?

- Who is that?! - Go back inside.

- Go back inside! - What? Don't tell me to go back inside!

I'm handling this!

Yes. No. Yes.

No. Yes. Yes. No.

Get the fuck out of my store!

- I just don't want to hurt you, okay? - Get out!

- I just... - You're not doing this again, okay?!

- This is the third time! - Enough of you guys!

- Third time this year! - Shit! Shit!

- Get out! - What the hell?

- Get off me! - Not today!

Not today! Today is Alan Moskowitz's day!

Well, who's the pretty lady?

Hello, Angelina Jolie.

- Yo, it's locked! - Where are the keys?

We left the keys on the counter.

Why'd you lock the door?

Because I didn't want anybody to come in, man.

You're not gonna do this to me again!

Not in my store!

- We've never been here before! - Shit!

I'm standing my ground!

Fuck.

Shit!

"You up? You up? You up?"

- What's happening? - Be quiet. Be quiet.

Be quiet. Be quiet.

"Want to fuck? Want to fuck? Want to fuck? Want to fuck?"

"Do you want to fuck?

Do you want to fuck? Do you want to fuck?"

Okay, right, Igor.

Answer the phone, Igor.

Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on.

No. No. No. No. No.

Scott.

Shut off your ringers!

Goddamn it.

Hey, Oscar, it's, uh, Scott.

I was just, uh, wondering if, uh, you know,

you're almost done with that thing.

We need those keys.

Fuck that!

Holy shit!

Come on, Igor! Come on! Come on!

Um, the robbers are inside!

Hands in the air!

The lady inside's got a gun.

Get down on the ground!

Do not move!

Why would you rob a pharmacy?

I wasn't robbing a pharmacy, okay?

I was the lookout, for your information.

The lookout is also committing a crime.

Are you fucking crazy?

Look, it's all Ray's fault, okay?

He's trying to kick me out.

So I panicked and made a bad decision, okay?

I'm only human!

A bad decision? That's a felony.

Yeah, so?

I didn't even, I didn't even go inside, all right?

Uh, it's not... I'm untouchable.

I didn't do anything, all right?

Uh, i-it's Ray, okay?

He... I-I know he's up to something.

- He's trying to erase Dad. - Can you just let Mom be happy?

She is happy.

Well, she will be, you know, once I get rid of that guy.

He's hiding shit, okay? He's hiding shit.

He's a weasel. I-I'm onto him.

This is why I didn't want to leave,

'cause now all your crazy's focused on Mom.

I'm not doing anything crazy, okay?

Doing nothing would be crazy. I'm doing something, okay?

I'm taking action!

Leave Mom alone. Stop acting like you.

What's that mean?!

You ruined my Halloween party.

You know, you know what? You know what?

Go enjoy your party. I-I got this.

You don't got this. Don't do anything.

I got this.

Don't do anything!

Hey, Scott. What's up?

- Oh, hi. - Hi.

I, uh... I just came by to say hi to the kids.

Are-are they around?

Oh.

Well, they're not here.

They went to their grandma's.

Oh.

Well, what do you got going on over there?

I'm trying to open this bottle of wine,

but I think I mangled the cork.

Oh, well, I could help. You want me to help?

Yes. Yes.

Please.

- Yeah! - Yes.

So, uh, do you have a friend coming over or something?

Oh, no.

No, I just need some mommy time.

Sometimes, mommies need to drink when the kids are away.

Oh, well, could I hang?

I-I could use some mommy time.

Sure, but are you old enough to drink?

Yeah, I'm old enough. I just... I'd rather smoke.

Do you mind if I smoke in here?

Oh, no. No.

Let's crack some windows.

- It's Tuesday. - Really?

'Cause Ray hates when I smoke weed.

Mm. Well, I hate Ray.

Awesome.

- Mm. - You know...

You have the sweetest,

most adorable kids I've ever met in my life.

Like, I can't believe they came out of Ray.

I know.

And you know what?

You know what the thing is about Ray?

I never say a bad word about him in front of the kids,

which is very difficult because he's a cunt.

Yeah, I-I can imagine.

Well, I'm not one of your kids, so have at it.

Let it all out. Tell me everything.

Do you know he is fighting to

actively not have custody of his kids?

- You can do that? - Yeah.

- That's insane. - I know.

Who wouldn't want to hang with your kids?

Who wouldn't want to hang out with those kids?

What monster wouldn't want to hang out with those kids?

Every second!

Your daughter sang the other day.

What did she sing?

Something from, like, Oklahoma! or something,

and-and I hate that shit, and I fucking loved it.

She's such a little angel.

- Mm. - I-I thought she was a robot for, like,

the first couple days I was hanging out with her.

I know. She's so perfect.

What a fucking putz.

Yeah, so he only wants to see them

on Wednesday night for dinner and Sunday.

- You can't just pick and choose. - And, uh...

No, you can't.

What are your kids, the NFL package?

- Wait, you're only... Yeah. - Yeah.

But why would you want your kids, really,

if you don't have an apartment and you sleep at the firehouse?

I mean, you...

Unbelievable.

What kind of a grown man

can't afford his own apartment in Staten Island?

Fucking loser.

He lost all our money gambling.

He is homeless, he's penniless, and he's a deadbeat dad.

What is your mom doing with him?

You know, my mom hasn't gotten laid in 17 years,

so I think her bar is pretty low.

Really? Yeah.

He's good in bed, I hate to say it.

All right.

Well, I didn't really need to know that.

Yeah.

He's got a beautiful cock.

I mean, it's the... it's his only attribute.

That big thick cock kept me in it

for eight years longer than I should have stayed.

It's a fact.

I knew I smelled you.

- The fuck, Scott? - What?

Huh? What, are you spying on me now?

- You Magnum, P.I.? - What?

Telling your mom that I'm homeless?

You think it's funny to tell her that I'm a loser?

What are you talking... No. What?

What do you mean, what am I talking about?

You've been speak... You talking to my ex-wife?

Uh, yeah. She's actually a really nice person.

- Oh, is she? Why don't you marry her? - Yeah.

Why don't you marry her and see what the fuck happens?

Hey, I'm just trying to protect my mom from you, okay?

You're a fucking psychopath.

- Oh, I'm a psychopath? - Yeah.

I've been nothing but nice to you!

I tried giving you direction.

You're too busy smoking your fucking weed.

And all you've been doing is trying to destroy

everything that I have with Margie.

Because you're a fucking loser, dude!

You're a, you're a degenerate gambler

in your-your mid-50s, who bets on the Jets.

Uh, who... Have you not learned anything about betting?

- The Jets are gonna come back! - No, they're not!

They got three number one fucking picks!

They're never gonna come back! They're never gonna come back!

I'm trying to give your mother a good life!

I... No, you're not, okay? You're a piece of shit, dude.

You're a fucking drug addict! I'm a piece of shit?

Yeah, you're a piece of shit! I'm a fucking loser?

You're the biggest loser I ever met in my fucking life!

- Oh, really? You should know. - Yeah! Yeah!

You surround yourself with them.

- Oh, yeah? Why don't you try me? - Oh, really?

Why don't you try me? Yeah, yeah, yeah...

This ain't gonna go how you think it's gonna go.

So why don't you get the fuck out of my... Really?

- Fucking asshole. - Throw a fucking punch at me?

- Oh, yeah. - Huh? You gonna cool off?

- Come here, cocksucker. - You gonna cool off?

I'll fucking cool you off.

Yeah, I'll fucking cool you off!

Hey, you cool off now?

You're in there 'cause of your own actions!

Are you kidding me?!

I'm gonna tell my mom you tried to drown me.

In an aboveground pool?

You're, like, fucking eight feet tall.

You're lucky my dad isn't here. He would kick your ass.

Oh, yeah? Well, guess what, I knew your dad. Okay?

- Yeah? - Yeah, I crossed paths with him a number of times.

And you know what? He was even a bigger asshole than you are!

All right, that's it, that's it.

It's over. It's over.

Huh? Huh?

- You like that? You like that? - Ow.

- Jesus. - Fucking asshole.

Come on, tap out! Tap out!

- Fuck you! No! - Get me out! Let me out!

- No! No! - Let me out!

- Oh, my God! - Get me out!

What's the matter with you?!

He's a psycho.

No.

- We're just talking. - About what?

- About him telling you lies about me. - He's an animal.

He picked me up and he threw me in the pool.

- All right? He has to go. - No, I need you to go. Now.

What? Why-why me? He-he's the one who started it.

Yeah, that's right. Get the hell out of here.

And get a job and a life while you're at it.

Your freeloading days are over.

You, too. Get going.

Wait, what did I do?

You put your hands on my son!

You're not respecting my family!

You're an animal!

Look, okay, just listen.

- Just calm down. - I don't have to calm down!

What are... You're attacking my son!

And you're, and you're making up lies!

You made... You tricked me into thinking you're a good guy.

You're not a good guy.

- Right. Mm-hmm. - You're a fucking small guy.

Margie, Margie, just let me explain this to you.

- Just let me talk to you, okay? - You are not in control of me.

Okay, okay, listen, all right?

Okay, you don't have all the information you need.

All right? Scott is acting out

'cause he's afraid to move on with his life.

It's no different than when the Boston Red Sox

finally won a World Series, okay?

- Oh, my God. - They had, they had to get to a point

- where-where they believed, okay? - Just shut up.

- All-all... - Shut the fuck up.

All I did was just ask him a question, and he flipped out.

So I put him in the water, which is soft.

I diffused the situation.

It was what-what m-my training's all about.

I-I wa... I was totally diffusing the situation.

Do you ever shut up?

Do you ever just shut the fuck up?

You just talk and you talk and you talk,

and you don't know what you're saying.

It makes no sense.

It's like you picked up all these little pieces

of information from all over.

They don't make any sense. They're fragments.

No sense. Nonsense.

I-I'm not talking.

I've had it up to here. I'm done.

Both of you, get your shit out of here.

Margie.

Oh, fuck.

Well...

Well, where do we go now?

What are you asking me for?

You created this whole mess, you fucking schmuck.

Hey, man.

Are you mad at me?

Me? No, of course not.

Are-are you mad at me?

I mean,

- no, but... - Are they...

Are they asking questions about me?

I'm not gonna snitch on you, man.

But at the same time, like, what am I gonna say to them?

You were the lookout that didn't look out.

Um, well, I've been meaning to ask you.

Um... you know, since you're in here, uh, well, I was wondering

if you wouldn't mind me staying at your house for a little bit.

You came up here to ask me that?

- I also came to see you. - You came...

No, you didn't come to see me. You came to ask me that.

And, no, you can't stay at my house.

I'm sor... I have nowhere to go, bro.

- My house is frightening, dude. - My mom kicked, my mom

- kicked me out. - The fuck are you doing with your life?

Drive all the way down here just to ask me

if you can stay at my house.

- No, I-I... - No, you don't love me.

I do love you.

I'm sorry. I-I... You're right.

I shouldn't have asked. I'm sorry.

And you know what? I need you to do me a favor.

Anything, bro. Just ask.

You got to feed my cat, all right?

For the next three to five months.

Is there anything else I could do?

'Cause I'm-I'm kind of allergic to cats.

You better look out for Sprinkles,

because I'm looking out for you, all right?

You got it.

And, listen, man.

I need you to spend time with Sprinkles.

I don't want you just

going in there, feeding him and running out.

You got to go in there, scratch his belly.

You tell him I miss him and I'll see him soon.

Right.

Um, how, uh, how are the boys?

How's Igor and Richie doing in there?

I'll tell you right now. I haven't seen Richie.

Igor?

Bro, look to your right.

That's Carla.

Carla.

Holy shit! Get the...

Bro, she's fucking real.

She's fucking real.

She's fucking real. Holy shit.

Yo. She's hot, man.

He was telling the truth the entire time.

- Good for him, man. - I know.

- That's awesome. - Yeah.

Hey, you.

What the hell are you doing there?

Oh, I'm sorry. I thought this was my house.

Get out of my backyard!

Get the hell out of here!

I'm really glad we did that.

It was really nice.

Me, too.

That was awesome.

Yeah. I missed you.

Oh, yeah? I missed you, too.

Just like, uh, old times.

I miss all my friends, you know.

Mr. Shark, Mr. Weird Skeleton.

Well, they missed you, too.

They missed you, too.

Hey, I, uh... I'm in a bit of a situation.

You think I could stay here for a few days?

What are you talking about?

Well, it's silly.

Me and Ray got into this big fight,

and then my mom caught us, and she just started yelling at us.

And she threw us out, so... She kind of lost her mind.

Is that why you're here right now?

No.

Did you just fuck me for shelter?

No, I didn't fuck you for shelter.

Uh, I-I-I didn't do anything.

What? I didn't... I just... I just need a place to stay.

Oh, God.

Dude, dude, how many times we got to do this?

What do you mean? I-I just want to...

I just need... It's just for a couple weeks.

It's not that big of a deal.

A few weeks? You just said a few days.

- Uh, or a couple months. It's... - Months?

I'm figuring my stuff out.

I don't know the future.

Oh, my God, you...

There you go.

- What the... Hey. - I'm not going to let myself

be upset by you, but I'm gonna tell you something.

You make me feel so crazy.

I'm not gonna let myself be crazy now,

but you make me feel crazy!

You are so crazy that you make

everyone around you feel fucking crazy.

The people meet you, and they're normal people,

and then they hang out with you, and then they're fucking

Jack Nicholson in The Shining or something.

Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I got to stay Zen. I got to meditate.

I'm meditating right now, and you got to go.

- What? What? - Yeah, here's your shit.

Okay.

Staying calm.

You got to leave. It's time to go.

Well...

Get out.

Well, I don't have anywhere to go.

It's not my problem anymore.

Thank you for the sex.

It was wonderful until you started talking.

You got to go.

Could I sleep in your brother's room?

No.

But he has bunk beds.

He's 14 years old.

Hey, yo, Dougie, can I crash in your room?

That's not happening, bro.

Jesus Christ.

Fuck.

Hey, do you know where Ray Bishop is?

He's in the back. Come with me.

How about next time you put your mask on

before we get off the rig?

I mean, I'm standing at that front door for a minute

- waiting for you. What the hell? - I told him to.

Always with the backhanded compliment.

Why can't you just, you know,

at least say the nice thing and then...

- Listen, you should be happy with any compliment. - Okay.

- It's constructive criticism. - It's...

- It just... It's always bad. - Go ahead.

I would respond better to encouragement.

I'm just...

I encourage you to shut the fuck up.

He's soft. He can't take it.

- You're right. - He's an emotional eater.

Well, that's the problem with this generation, man.

They can't take criticism.

- They get, they get all-all upset. - I know.

Hey, I'm not a whole generation, all right?

I'm just, I'm just a man. A man with feelings.

- Oh, my God. - Aw! - Aw!

Now you're making me look bad.

- You're a man? - Now you're making me look bad. Stop.

Ray.

Hey, Ray.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

What are you doing here?

Look, uh, I-I don't have anywhere else to go, all right?

I'm out of options, so...

Why would I care?

I'm sorry. Like, uh-uh...

Go sleep under a tree. I don't care.

Do you have any idea what you took from me? Do you?

Huh? You do a 60-minute interview with my ex-wife

to find out what kind of guy I am?

What do you think she was gonna say?

- I don't know. I... - By the way,

I'm not a gambler, okay? I day-trade.

I don't know the difference.

You should've found out before you shot your mouth off.

I know you smoke a lot of weed, but you're not dumb.

You knew what the fuck you were doing.

You went to the person that hates me the most

to get the worst review you could possibly get.

Why didn't you come down here and ask these guys

what they thought of me?

Did you ever think of doing that?

I'm sorry. You're right. You're right.

- Uh, I shouldn't have done... - You're not sorry

or you wouldn't have done it. So now what?

Now you don't have a place to stay?

So now you come down here with your little puppy dog look

on your face, and I'm supposed to feel bad?

Look, all I know is,

if you're not nice to me, then my mom will hate you forever

and she'll never forgive you.

Really? You're gonna play that card?

It's a, it's a pretty good card.

It's all I got.

Ray.

Hey, Ray.

Raymond.

Ray!

What?

Hey, I can't sleep.

I-I never go to sleep this early.

Oh. Well, you know what you should do?

You should shut the fuck up.

Go to sleep.

Thanks.

Can't go to sleep.

Why don't you dip your weed in NyQuil,

you fucking drug addict?

Hey, w-what do I do?

Do what you always do. Sit there and do nothing.

Hey. Where do you go to the bathroom around here?

Well, number one, down there.

Number two, Dunkin' Donuts across the street.

Have a wonderful day, man.

Oh, thanks.

How'd you sleep, big man?

I hear you're Stan's kid.

He was a brave man. It's an honor to meet you.

Thanks, man.

It's a, it's an honor to meet you, too.

I-I didn't do anything, though.

You don't think you did?

No.

I appreciate your sacrifice.

No, I got this one to impress a girl.

Oh? And how did that work out?

Not good.

- We've been married 18 years. - Ooh, poor woman.

- 18 years, huh? - Congratulations.

- Thank you. - Wow.

The rest I got, you know, Maori, tribal.

It's beautiful work, man.

Thank you, man. I appreciate that.

- What was that one? - Maori.

This stands for strength and courage.

- Really? - Yeah.

What the hell are you still doing here?

Well, you know, believe it or not,

I-I couldn't find a place to live in just a night, so...

- I believe it. - I'm kind of fucked, Ray.

Yes, you are.

I'd say finish up your free breakfast,

and, uh, hit the bricks.

All right. It's all right.

The kid can stay.

But you got to work, all right? You ready to do some work?

Yeah. Did... did you just, did you just make me a fireman?

No.

Go clean the toilets or get the fuck out.

Did I make you a... What...

Hey, do me a favor.

The bathroom downstairs... I-I used it.

You can start there.

Great.

Get gloves. Pretty muddy.

You know, when I see a big stain like that,

I go up and down, and then I go left and right.

- Good times. - There you go.

You got to get the splatter.

You see that? That's a nice straight line.

Yeah, you guys, uh, got to do a lot of shit work, huh?

We don't refer to it as shit work.

This is our house. We want it to look nice.

You know, company pride.

You got to wash it hot.

Hot. Not warm, not cold. Extra hot.

- Okay. - Because of the bedbugs.

What-What's bedbugs?

They're, uh, a-a tiny insect

that get into your home and they run you out.

- You know how they procreate? - No.

The male bedbug takes his penis

and jams it into the female's stomach.

Does the female have a vagina? Yeah, she does.

It doesn't matter.

He jams it into her stomach.

Well, how do you know all this, man?

How do I know? I researched it.

- Just flip it over. Flip. - Oh, just a flip.

- There you go, yeah. - Okay.

You got it. Just flip it right down.

- Very nice. - Mm.

Well done.

When you have bedbugs, everybody leaves.

My parents stopped calling.

My brothers and sisters stopped coming over.

My girl left. Everybody's gone.

And you know who's there for you at the end?

Ironically?

The bedbugs.

I never thought I'd say it,

but if I make chief, I'm making you my aide.

- Yeah? - What's up, kid?

Well, how do you think you did on the test?

Tough test.

I mean, you know, I hope I did good.

Fuck!

He's doing a good job.

He knows how to wash a truck.

Getting ready for his career working at a car wash.

You ever gonna give this kid a break or what?

I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

Then do nothing.

Were you on the job when Stan was killed?

Yeah. You know I was.

What's the first thing you thought of when you heard?

I-I wondered if he had kids.

Why do we have to clean this thing anyway?

It's just gonna get fire on it.

You think the people that are burning alive

give a fuck if the truck is shiny?

Just saying.

I don't even know why you got to clean the truck.

What, you're trying to show up all sexy to a fire?

I like him.

No! No! Stop!

All right!

Let me fix that backpack. It's slipping.

It's weird having you walk me to school.

Why is that?

'Cause Scott always walks me.

I walk you sometimes.

I guess so.

Is he, uh, is he weird around you guys?

No.

He's nice.

He asks me how I'm doing.

What do you tell him?

I say I'm doing fine.

Look, you don't have to lie to make me feel better, all right?

I know me and your mom could do a better job

getting along through all of this, and, uh...

Hey, I'm sorry if I haven't handled it so well.

What's that?

Oh, that's Ice Flash.

Scott drew it for me, but it didn't come out so good.

Yeah, I think his drawings are a little shaky.

That's the one that I drew.

This is how he drew it.

It's good, right?

Yeah, it's better than good.

Did a great job.

Yeah.

He said he was gonna teach me.

He said he'd teach you how to do that?

Yeah.

And he stays to his word.

It's so nice in here now.

I love it. I love the colors.

I love everything.

- Mm! - Hey.

- Oh, hey, Scott. - What's...

What's going on in here?

Where... Why is everything so different?

Isn't it nice? Do you like it?

Is that a pink chair?

- Yeah, we've been redecorating. - W-What's up with the drapes?

Yeah.

Plants, too.

Yeah. Why's...

Your mother has great taste.

Yeah.

Where have you been staying?

Oh, I've been, uh, at the firehouse with Ray.

Oh, okay. Well, I'm just glad that you're not on the street.

I told you he wasn't homeless.

When you're right, you're ri... I love this green.

- Yeah, well... - We... I actually have been

learning, uh, a lot and, like, bonding with the guys.

- Oh. - So, uh, yeah.

Yeah, they got me cleaning.

Uh, they got me, like, washing stuff and, like,

- working around the firehouse and... - Mm-hmm. Oh.

I really understand where you were coming from before.

You know, when you threw me out.

Like, I think I really got my shit together now,

and I'm ready to, like, come back and...

Okay.

So, like, you think you know what hard work is?

Well, I wouldn't say that, but, you-you know,

I-I-I definitely have an idea.

You mopped a floor

and-and you cooked.

You cleaned a bathroom once.

Oh. Oh, Scott.

And how's your shoulder feel after all that very hard work?

Oh, you're making fun of me.

Why are you making fun...

I-I worked really hard. I did.

Ask Ray.

He's trying to get back.

Eat a dick, Joy.

Had one for breakfast.

I'm full.

Hey!

And-and wh... and where's Dad's shrine?

- Where-where-where... - Oh, you're ruining the vibe.

Where's his shrine? Where's Dad's shrine?

All of his stuff is gone. All my shit's gone.

- What's going on? - Honey.

Uh, all right, let... I'm-I'm really sorry.

I'm sorry I raised my voice. I'm sorry.

- I'm sorry I laughed. - Could we talk in private?

- Let's go outside, yeah. - Yeah.

So we're gonna speak for a minute.

- I'm sorry. - So sorry. - It's okay, Joy.

- Let's just have a real... - Let's just... Yeah.

- Let's just talk outside. - Let's just get into it.

You know? Right. Okay.

So...

Oh, no, you did not!

Code alarm.

Engine and truck are first due.

Box 118.

Heavy smoke coming from the roof.

Hey, yo, Scott, you want to ride this one in?

Is-is that okay?

Yeah, jump in.

Jump in.

Listen up.

We're getting multiple calls on this box.

We're going to a fire. Suit up!

Ladder 5-7 to Staten Island.

Yes, go ahead, Ladder 5-7.

Transmitting second alarm.

Box 1-1-8.

Fire in the first and second floor

of a five-story multiple dwelling.

1-4-9 to 1-4-9,

Chauffer to start work.

1-4-9 Chauffeur to Control.

Turn on the hydrant.

All right. Suit up.

10-4.

Ladder 5-7 to Chauffeur.

George, take the aerial and vent that third-floor window,

and then get the aerial to the roof.

1-4-9 to 1-4-9.

Chauffeur, start water.

Are you guys ready? I'm opening the door.

49, here comes your water.

Hit it, hit it. Go. Hit it, hit it!

I'm good.

- You all right? - Yeah.

They're gonna be fine. They got this.

Yeah, yeah, I-I know.

I know it looks bad, but they know what they're doing.

All right?

Ladder 5-7, Chauffeur 5-7.

I just vented the third-floor window.

I'm bringing the aerial to the roof.

5-7 O.V. to 5-7.

I got a 10-45 on the second floor.

Gonna bring him down the inside stairs.

10-4, Ray.

5-7 roof to 5-7...

1-4-9 Chauffeur to 1-4-9.

- How's the water pressure? - Pressure's fine.

5-7-9 to 5-7,

all the apartments on the first floor are clear.

10-4, Cap.

You know, everyone gets nervous

during their first fire.

You know, when I was a probie, I was so scared,

I would follow my captain everywhere,

just hold on to his jacket.

You know, follow him around, hold on for dear life.

- Yeah. - No, but, uh,

you know, everybody gets a little scared.

I mean, you know, I mean, it's... keeps you honest.

You know? No, if you don't get scared,

- there's something wrong with you. - Mm-hmm.

And, by the way, your dad never got scared.

Yeah? How-how do you know?

I mean, back in the day, I-I was at the same house

with him for about six months, so...

Wait, you worked with my dad for six months

- and you're just telling me? - Yeah. I mean, I...

Yeah, I didn't want to make you feel weird.

We didn't want to insult you

'cause you seem a little delicate.

- No. Please. - Well, yeah.

What, w-what was he like?

He was kind of like you.

You know, like, if you didn't know him,

you'd think he was a crack baby, but he was...

No, but he was a good guy. He was a, he was a great guy.

- He was a great guy. - Well, I-I, I mean, I heard

- he was fucking hilarious. - Oh, yeah.

And-and he got away with so much shit,

like, because he was so freaking likable.

What kind of stuff? Like, w-what'd he get away with?

One time, we were driving down the West Side Highway

- after being out all night... - Mm.

You know this.

This is a good one.

And, uh, he's, like,

he's up on the... through the sunroof.

He's, like, sitting on top of the car.

We're like... We couldn't get him in.

So we start speeding up, stopping short, you know.

By the time we hit the bridge, he fell onto the windshield.

- So he's... - What?

he's, like...

What?

Hanging on, cursing at us, putting his face

up against the windshield.

He's like, "You motherfuckers!"

It was like some real Tom Cruise shit.

So...

We get into Brooklyn.

And sure-sure enough, there's cops.

Like, uh, like they were waiting for us.

Oh, shit.

So now I'm like, "Oh, fuck. We're screwed."

Stan gets off the car. He goes over to the cop.

I'm thinking, "Oh, shit, he's gonna fucking clock this cop.

He's gonna, you know..."

And he goes right up to him, grabs his face,

and he kisses him on the lips.

They went to high school together.

They went to fucking high school together.

I'm like, "Only Stan could get away with that."

I swear to God.

Well, you know, the rumor is

that he got the coke from the cops.

Not that cop. There was another cop he knew in Manhattan.

What? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! No.

- Coke? What? No. - Guys, guys, guys.

- Guys, it's his dad. - So?

- I didn't know it was a secret. - It's his dad.

You can't just tease me with that.

- Please, guys, but... - It was...

You don't understand. My mom, my mom tells me

all these stories about how much

he's like a saint and all that shit.

Like, I-I would love to hear a coke story.

- Please. - The PG-13 version.

No, you don't... No, the real version.

You don't understand the amount of pressure I'm under,

- thinking this guy's perfect. - All right, fuck it, fuck it.

All right, we were coked out of our minds.

- Nice. - All right? We all were.

We all... Well, I mean, uh, we were.

- But that was a different time. I mean, we all did it. - Right.

This guy was the cokehead.

- You were the cokehead. - All right.

I stopped four years ago. You know that.

What are you talk... How do you think

he stayed this skinny all these years?

No, I have a high metabolism.

They should have his face on a nickel in Bolivia.

But playtime was playtime, all right?

Like, you know, when he was at work,

he was, he was all, you know, business.

All right? And he was the guy you wanted by your side

if-if you were going into a fire.

Yeah, I mean, if they were gonna,

like, build a fireman from scratch,

he would've been, you know...

- Prototype. - Yeah. Yeah.

Exactly. You know, top to bottom...

He's a fireman.

You know?

- You know, as brave as they come. - Yeah.

You know, I was thinking about what you said at the game

about, you know, like, firemen shouldn't have kids.

Let me tell you something.

You know, your dad, he didn't just die

saving those two people that night.

I mean, he did that a lot.

You know, like, sometimes,

he wouldn't even wait for the line.

He'd just, he'd just go in, like, a fully involved room,

and you're, like... I'm like, "What are you doing?"

And because if-if he heard there was somebody in there,

he'd just go in.

That's the way, you know...

He... That's who he was.

That's how he was built, you know?

He couldn't, he couldn't not be that way.

You understand?

Thank you. No, thank you, thank you for sharing.

That's awesome.

He would slap the shit out of me

if he heard me say this about him, but he was a hero.

And heroes are necessary.

And they should be allowed to have families, all right?

But I know it means, you know,

that people suffer.

And I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Well, but I'm sorry for being a dick.

- There's-there's two sides to every story. - No.

Thank you for sharing with me. Thanks for taking me here.

- All right, we don't have to get all Oprah. - Yeah.

- It's all right. - Hey, to Stan.

- Yeah, Stan. - Yeah, Stan.

- Stan. - Stan. - Stan.

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Come on, try a little ♪

♪ Nothing is forever ♪

♪ There's got to be something better than ♪

♪ In the middle ♪

♪ But me and Cinderella ♪

♪ We put it all together ♪

♪ We can drive it home ♪

♪ With one headlight ♪

♪ She said it's cold, it feels like... ♪

My head hurts. I...

This-this is why I don't drink. I just, I just smoke weed.

Hey, so what are you gonna do?

With-with what?

With your life.

You must be passionate about something.

Um, yeah, the... the tattoo thing.

I... I love that.

Were you, like, into that?

No, you know, it-it takes a lot of practice, you know, and...

None of my friends will let me tattoo them anymore and...

Hey, why don't you give me a tattoo?

What?

What-what?

Come on, I don't have any tattoos.

I'm a, I'm a blank slate, man.

Put it on my back. Yeah, use it for practice.

Well... well, you're just saying this

'cause you're drunk, right? You're not...

- You're not actually... - Isn't everybody drunk

when they get their first tattoo?

Touché, Ray.

Yeah.

It's my back. I don't give a fuck.

I'm never gonna see it.

Plus, I got to tell you something, you know.

I saw that drawing you did for Harold.

I was kind of blown away by it, man. You...

You're getting really good at it.

I'm practicing a lot.

Yeah.

Like anything, you keep doing it, you get better at it.

And I, you know...

You know, I do want to see you do well, all right?

I-I believe in you.

Thanks, man.

You... you must really love me.

I love you, too.

Uh, I-I appreciate that, but I'm not ready...

Y-You-you gonna say it back?

I'm not ready to say something like that.

You got to say it back.

What-what if I die tomorrow?

Then I'll be that guy saying,

"You know, even though I never said it..."

Uh, look...

I would love to tattoo your back.

Okay, cool.

All right, but here's the deal. No unicorns.

- No rainbows, all right? - Uh.

None of that shit little girls like to color in.

Okay.

No body parts. No nudity.

- Okay. - No Chinese letters.

- All right. All right, fine. - I want, I...

I want to be able to fucking read

whatever you put back there.

I don't need some o-order for orange chicken or some shit.

All right.

Here we go. You ready?

Yep, let's do it. Let's get it over with.

Yeah, I-I really appreciate this.

This is... It's actually very nice.

Good.

All right.

Fuck.

Dude, why do you get these?

Um, I don't know. I, uh...

Whenever I'm going through something, I just,

you know, I get one.

It relaxes me and calms me down.

Helps me, like, think things through, you know.

- This relaxes you? - Yeah.

You ever think of taking, like, a yoga class?

Meditating?

Why don't you just give blood?

There's still needles involved.

Yeah, that's a nice tattoo.

It's aces.

- You looking at my cards, you piece of shit? - What?

No, no, no, no. I'm talking about the tattoo.

What are you doing?

- What? - First good hand you dealt me

all night, you're cheating?

- He was talking about the tattoo. - Exactly.

You are the worst liar ever.

What's six times four?

24.

24. Yeah, 24.

What's seven times five?

- 35. - Good job.

Look how smart you are.

I'm trying to guess what you're drawing

by the, by the way your hand's going.

Remember, nothing weird or I'll kill you.

- Nothing weird. - Okay.

It doesn't look weird, does it?

No, not at all.

Oh, good, 'cause you know I'll murder him.

It looks wonderful.

Oh! Is it supposed to hurt?

Is it supposed to hurt that much?

It's-it's a needle going into your back. Yeah.

I know, but I thought I had more back fat than that.

Can I get a tattoo?

- No. No. - Sure.

- All right. - No.

Never.

Don't mess with perfection.

Everybody goes.

Both companies, first due.

Phone alarm. Box 3-4-3.

18 Carpenter Avenue between Rockland and Franklin.

Smoke coming from the second- floor window of a private home.

Turnout.

Yoo-hoo.

- Excuse me. - Yeah?

Hey, man. How you doing?

What's up, man?

I need some assistance over here, please.

- Sure, I... - Hey, give me a sh...

- Oh, my God! - Ah, don't worry about it.

Listen, everything's all good.

It's, uh, really nothing.

I just need a little assistance.

This is something that needs to be taken care of now.

What happened? Are you okay? Did you get shot?

- Were you stabbed? - It's not really a big deal.

My vape exploded in my pocket. Just...

I didn't stretch right before yoga.

I was playing tennis. I slipped.

- Well, which one is it? - What do you want me to say?

It was nothing.

I just need some medical attention, but just by you.

Dude, I got to call 911. I don't know what to do.

No, no, no, listen, listen. No police, please.

Not today.

- What does that even mean? - No.

We don't need to get the government involved

into this situation.

We can handle this together.

Dude, I'm so high. I can't help you right now.

I'm high, too.

Well, then you know how I feel.

What do you want me to do?

Take a look at this.

I need some sort of foam.

- Holy shit! - You got some stitching?

- Dude! - Do-do you have, like, a little needle?

- Do you have something with a needlepoint? - No.

What happened?

It was a misunderstanding. It was an argument.

But we're all friends again. We worked it out.

You know how buddies get.

Dude, I... We-we, we got to take you to the hospital

- or you're gonna die. - I'm not gonna die.

- Yes, you are. - I'm gonna die?

Yeah, I'm positive.

I'm positive that you're gonna die

if we don't go to the hospital.

Are there metal detectors in here?

I-I'm not sure. Why?

Don't even worry about it.

I'll tell you later.

Oh, shit.

- Oh, fuck. - You'll be all right.

- Oh, my God. - You'll be all right.

Guys, I need help!

This guy's bleeding! He's losing a lot of blood!

- I need a gurney, please! - Oh, thank you.

- All right, just hold... Put... - Thank you.

Put pressure on it, all right?

Hi. This guy's been, uh, either shot or stabbed.

I don't know. He's been kind of vague about it.

Sir, have you been shot? Stabbed?

No.

- I fell in a thorn bush. - Okay.

Have him fill out this paperwork,

and the doctor will call you when he's ready.

Do me a favor, man. Can we just switch identities?

What? No.

Just let me use your driver's license.

- We look nothing alike, dude. - No one's gonna know.

Just trust me.

I'm bleeding. It feels like I have to shit.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

I'm Margie's son. Do you know...

I'm Margie's son.

I don't know who that is.

I'm just filling in.

Okay.

- I know. - My pain keeps coming.

Tell that fucking cocksucker, my father, that I hate him

and I love him at the same time and I forgive him.

I-I-I do not need to do that, because you're gonna live.

Tell my sister I know she's my mother.

Huh.

Got here as soon as I could.

Hey, man, we got to help this guy.

He's bleeding out.

This a cop?

He looks like a cop.

Excuse me, ma'am.

Ray Bishop, Ladder 57.

We got to get this guy some help.

We got to move it along here.

- Follow me. - Okay, come on, buddy.

Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on.

Here we go, here we go, here we go.

All right.

Abdominal wound!

There we go.

Where? Where?

Put him in Two.

In Two.

Let's get vitals.

- All right, buddy. - All right, get him right here.

We got to get your shirt off.

Let me know if you need trauma.

- Oh, shit. - Okay. Here we go.

- Nice and easy, nice and easy. - I'll meet you at Six. Six.

You okay? It's gonna be okay.

He's one of your friends?

No, no, no. I-I was just helping him.

Yeah, Scott brought him in.

You know, guy just kind of wandered into the firehouse

while we were out on a call.

You guys are covered in blood. Take these off.

Throw 'em here.

Put 'em over here.

Just leave 'em there. Down there.

What's that?

- What's that? - Oh.

I let your son practice on me.

How's it look? He won't let me see it till it's done.

Let me see it.

He, um, he-he let me do whatever I wanted, so...

Jesus Christ.

He didn't put anything stupid on there, did he?

Took forever.

Nah.

Yeah, I, um... I can never get the eyes right

'cause I-I just make them too dark, but I-I...

It's beautiful.

I'm proud of you.

- You could really do this. - Thanks.

There's not any, like, Chinese characters

or anything back there, is there?

No, no.

No, no, no.

You told me not to.

I would never disobey you.

Thank you for letting him do this, Ray.

Oh, I didn't do anything. I just sat there.

He did all the work.

You liked going over the spine, didn't ya?

Took it like a champ.

I sat there wincing.

Oh, my God.

Can we at least close the curtain?

- Oh. My guys. - Guys, people die in here, all right?

- My guys. My guys. - Uh... - Aw, come on.

Mom, I don't want to hug him. He's not wearing a shirt.

- Come on, you can handle it. - Ah, dude, you're so smooth.

You're-you're like a sea otter.

Please, we have to stop.

We have to stop. Please. Please.

Please stop? Please stop.

But first, you will get to Lord and Lady Stark and you will...

I hung out with, like, Ray and the guys

from the firehouse the other night at the bar,

and, um, they were just telling all these stories about Dad.

And there were stories I never heard of before,

like, you know, about him, like, doing coke

and being hilarious.

- Yeah. - You know?

Yeah. Yeah.

Well, he was hilarious.

Yeah.

Uh...

He was also out of control and crazy.

- Do you understand? - You can't.

Why-why didn't you just tell me?

I don't know.

I just... I wanted you to have some good memories

to offset what happened.

I didn't know what to-to say.

Was I gonna say, "Your dad really loved watching cartoons

with you 'cause he was tripping all the time"?

Yeah.

Sounds like a good dad to me.

No, you know what?

Uh, I get it.

Knowing that he had his issues and... problems

just like everybody else, it makes me feel better.

It really... it really humanizes him.

Well, he was a great guy.

He was a very complicated guy.

He had a really big heart.

Mm.

Like, like Ray?

Uh...

Yeah, I guess, like Ray, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Um, I guess you could say that you have a type.

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

I have a type.

I know we don't really talk about it much, but...

...I, uh...

I-I miss Dad.

A lot.

Yeah.

Me, too.

And, uh...

I'm sorry that I've been

so difficult to deal with.

I'll...

I'll try and...

get it together.

It's just hard.

I think it'll always be hard.

I, uh...

I really like Ray, but I...

He's-he's got to lose that mustache.

I mean, come on.

When we go out in public,

people think that I'm kidnapped, you know?

The looks that we get at the supermarket.

They're like... People-people look at me like,

"Are you okay?" And I'm like, "Yeah, no, yeah.

It's my mom's boyfriend."

- All right, buddy, good luck. - Thanks for the lift.

All right, man.

Confidence, right?

- Yeah. - All right, go get 'em.

Hey.

Kelsey. Hi.

Hey. How are you?

- What are you doing here? - Oh, I just, uh...

I-I just wanted to talk to you.

Well, I have my civil service test today.

Oh, yeah, I-I remembered.

That's why I wanted to, you know...

- I have to go. - Can I come?

What? Why?

You know, for, like, moral support.

I just want to be there for you.

- Well, I can't stop you. - Oh, all right, great.

Y-Your hair looks nice.

Thanks.

Listen, I know you probably want to talk about

relationship stuff and serious bullshit, but I can't.

I have to study and focus right now so I don't screw this up.

Okay.

I, um...

I can help you, if you like.

You don't want to help me.

Mm, yeah, I do. I would love to.

Okay, w-will you just test me on this part?

Yeah. That one?

- All right. - Okay.

Here we go.

"Amy must complete three tasks at work.

"She estimates that the first two tasks

"will take her 45 minutes to complete

"and that the third task will take her

"two hours and ten minutes to complete.

"If Amy's estimate is correct,

how long will it take her to complete all three tasks?"

Three hours and 40 minutes.

Did-did you just guess that or did know the answer?

No, that's correct.

That's incredible.

- Wow. - It's not that amazing.

- It is, no. - Relax.

I-I... Is it all math questions?

I thought it was, like, city shit.

No, no.

You have to prove that you're not stupid,

and then you can work for the city.

Oh. Oh.

So I can never work for the city.

Hey, uh, I...

I, uh...

I, um...

I love you.

A lot.

I-I always have, and I, um...

That's why I always act so weird.

'Cause I don't know how to express myself.

Failure to do so

could result in serious injury.

- Should I ask the next? - Yeah.

All right, so, "Of the 250 people

"working at a medical facility, 16% are clerks.

How many are..."

Thank you for riding the Staten Island Ferry.

I've lost my place.

"Of the 250 people working at a medical facility,

- 16% are clerks." - Mm-hmm.

"How many are not clerks?"

You're showing me the page.

Hey, will you wait for me while I do it

and then we can go back to Staten Island together?

Yeah. Of course. How long are you gonna be?

Three and a half hours.

All right.

- Really? - Yeah, I'll go figure something out.

Okay.

All right. Cool.

Good luck.

Maybe do something cultural.

Like, broaden your horizons.

All right.

Good luck. Have fun.

Oh, my God, I'm freaking out!

I'm scared.

♪ Mm ♪

♪ Ay-oh ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Ratatat ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Na-na-na-na, na-na-na-na ♪

♪ Tell me what you know about dreaming, dreaming ♪

♪ You don't really know about nothing, nothing ♪

♪ You don't really care about the trials of tomorrow ♪

♪ Rather lay awake in the bed full of sorrow ♪

♪ I'm on the pursuit of happiness and I know ♪

♪ Everything that shine ain't always gonna be gold, hey ♪

♪ I'll be fine once I get it ♪

♪ I'll be good ♪

♪ I'm on the pursuit of happiness and I know ♪

♪ Everything that shine ain't always gonna be gold, hey ♪

♪ I'll be fine once I get it ♪

♪ I'll be good ♪

♪ Tell me what you know about dreaming, dreaming ♪

♪ You don't really know about nothing, nothing ♪

♪ Tell me what you know about ♪

♪ Them night terrors every night ♪

♪ 5:00 a.m., cold sweats, waking up to the sky ♪

♪ I'm on the pursuit of happiness and I know ♪

♪ Everything that shine ain't always gonna be gold, hey ♪

♪ I'll be fine once I get it ♪

♪ I'll be good ♪

♪ Pursuit of happiness ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ I'll get it ♪

♪ I'll be good. ♪

♪ Ooh... ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Oh, never, never, never ♪

♪ Did I ever stop to think ♪

♪ That I'd find myself here with you ♪

♪ In your own world of dreams ♪

♪ Oh, but here I am ♪

♪ Again with you ♪

♪ You are my joy ♪

♪ And my joy is you ♪

♪ Never, never ♪

♪ Never did I ever stop loving you ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Sometimes I stop and ask ♪

♪ And wonder where you were ♪

♪ Then I rip you from my mind ♪

♪ 'Cause I thought you didn't care ♪

♪ Oh, but here I am ♪

♪ Again with you ♪

♪ This time I know ♪

♪ What my heart can do ♪

♪ Never, never ♪

♪ Never did I ever stop loving you ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ I don't know why ♪

♪ I had to play the game of losing you ♪

♪ To make me see ♪

♪ That I still love you ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ But here I am ♪

♪ Again with you ♪

♪ You are my joy ♪

♪ And my joy is you ♪

♪ Never, never ♪

♪ Never did I ever stop loving you ♪

♪ Oh, no, oh, no ♪

♪ Never, never, ooh, never, baby ♪

♪ Did I ever stop loving you ♪

♪ I just can't stop ♪

♪ No, no, no ♪

♪ Never, never, never ♪

♪ Did I ever stop loving you ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Never, baby ♪

♪ Did I stop loving you ♪

♪ Oh, no, oh ♪

♪ Never, never, never ♪

♪ Did I ever stop loving you, baby ♪

♪ Yeah, oh ♪

♪ Never, never. ♪