Original subtitles

MATILDA: Well thanks for being with us,

we hope to see you again next week,

on The Third Thing.

[Audience Applauding]

DIRECTOR: That was beautiful, Matilda.

Okay, folks, that's a wrap.

MATILDA: Woo!

Well, bravo, yeah.

That was pathetic.

I mean, even by our dismal standards.

Where was the focus?

What was the heart of that piece?

I mean was there even one single person

we even cared about, hello?

Now have a break.

Have some drugs, have whatever you need,

but have no doubt, when you come back,

I want some ideas, okay.

[Heels Clicking]

[Tanks Clinking]

MARCUS: Ow!

Do you know what?

This is really starting to piss me off.

PERCY: Yeah, it's a lot of boxes.

MARCUS: No, not this.

I mean, why is it always us?

Why do we get all the naff jobs?

PERCY: 'Cause we're cute and funny?

MARCUS: What is this stuff, anyway?

Every time we come to Clarke Station,

we're picking up stuff,

and we don't even know what it is.

[Balls Clattering]

[Scoffs]

MARCUS: Is it too much to ask that our lives here

have just a little bit of meaning?

PERCY: Wow, these are pretty cool.

[Sighs]

JULIAN: The resurrection of Earth.

Got the terraforming,

the restoration of Earth's environment,

blah blah blah.

And, the efforts to reform the Lunar Terran Federation,

with the upcoming elections.

MATILDA: Wow, that's a great idea, Julian.

Can we get it together in a week?

[Matilda Sighs]

Come on guys, idea time!

What's next week's story?

DIRECTOR [O.C]: I want to get out of here.

MARCUS: You know,

I joined this ship as a bounty hunter.

No one told me I was just gonna be a

jumped up grease monkey.

Why do those three get all the good gigs,

why don't we get any missions?

PERCY: I don't know, Marcus.

MARCUS: Well, I think the next job should be ours.

PERCY: It should.

MARCUS: You know, I don't think they realize

quite how valuable we can be to this outfit.

PERCY: Absolutely.

MARCUS: You know, if it wasn't for me,

Travis wouldn't even be here.

You know when we left the raiders,

I practically saved his life.

PERCY: Yes, I know, you've told me that before.

MARCUS: Well, he owes me!

I think you should ask him.

PERCY: Me?

I hate asking people for things.

MARCUS: But it's your ship.

PERCY: Yes, well you saved him.

MARCUS: Okay.

I'll ask him.

In fact, I'll tell him.

[Subtle Music]

PERCY: Uh-oh.

JULIAN: Police?

MATILDA: Uh, no.

JULIAN: Doctors? MATILDA: Please.

JULIAN: Teachers?

MATILDA: Dull, dull, dull.

I need people an audience will care about.

You know, ordinary men and women,

doing extraordinary things,

and in doing those things,

becoming extraordinary themselves.

I need human stories.

You know, someone who will really

put themselves on the line for us.

NASDEEN: How about...

How about bounty hunters?

MATILDA: Yeah.

[Opening Theme Music]

[Spaceship Humming]

TRAVIS: Hyper andrium cargo and personnel escort.

Jewel dealer.

Back to Mars Fed.

We'll pass by Pluto and take the week off.

CALLISTA: Well here's a bell runner.

TRAVIS: Ah, the thrill of it.

Only 5,000 credits.

[Footsteps Approaching]

TRAVIS: All right, Marcus?

MARCUS: Yeah, great.

We've brought all the provisions on board,

purged atmosphere in the shuttle bay,

refitted the auto latch,

done a PDA scan on the filtertron units,

we'd like to handle the next bounty case,

and we've just completed an external sensor check.

TRAVIS: Terrific. MARCUS: Yeah.

TRAVIS: And no way, Marcus.

MARCUS: Oh, come on, Travis!

It's ages since we've been out on a mission!

TRAVIS: And who's we?

MARCUS: Me and Percy.

And actually it's not for me, it's her.

I'm really worried about her.

I think she's getting cabin fever.

You know, she needs to get off this ship again

before she forgets that it won't kill her.

TRAVIS: So let me get this straight,

you're bored, and Percy needs some fresh air,

so I should send you on a mission?

Do the words "Life threatening", "Death",

even come into your vocabulary?

You know, mean anything to you?

MARCUS: Yeah, well actually they do,

and that is exactly my point.

These are the kind of things me and you used to get into

all the time, and now,

now I spend all my days walking around this ship

armed with nothing more than a monkey wrench.

CALLISTA: He has got a point, Montana.

I don't want him watching my ass if he's rusty.

TRAVIS: Fine.

[Door Opens]

[Subtle Music]

RUDOLPHO: Comrades!

Let me introduce to you,

the universally famous holovisionary

Mr. Julian Sanders.

JULIAN: Mr. Montana, this is truly an honor, sir.

Truly it is.

RUDOLPHO: Julian's gonna be making a documentary.

About us.

[Ominous Music]

CALLISTA: [O.C]: I still think this is a bad idea.

Holocasting our faces throughout the solar system

is not exactly smart.

Especially for you.

TRAVIS: Damn right.

RUDOLPHO: Julian is a dedicated maker

of small but important works

of integrity and relevance and intelligence!

TRAVIS: Yes, so your point is,

no one will see it, and that's worth risking my neck?

RUDOLPHO: Exactly.

Fame is fleeting.

CALLISTA: So what is the point then?

RUDOLPHO: Six months money!

CALLISTA: Fine,

make sure they keep my face out of it.

TRAVIS: That goes double for me.

RUDOLPHO: You won't even know they're here.

JULIAN: Mr. Montana.

I just want you to know that Nasdeen and I certainly

appreciate our accommodations

and the four star treatment we'll receive.

PERCY: Four star?

Where the hell are they staying?

JULIAN: Well I realize the very nature of our project

is a little disruptive,

so the sooner we get started,

the sooner we finish and be out of your hair.

You know what I want to do?

I want to make the bounty hunting documentary.

About you.

The premiere bounty hunters of all time.

TRAVIS: All time?

You know, there's probably a plaque somewhere.

PERCY: What's going on, hello?

What are you doing, what are you talking about?

JULIAN: I'm just talking about capturing your life,

you know, preparing for a mission,

capturing a dangerous felon, collecting the bounty,

you know, that kind of stuff.

PERCY: Oh.

CALLISTA: Well, I hate to burst your bubble,

but only about 30 percent of our missions

deal with what you would call "Dangerous felons."

TRAVIS: Yeah, most of our bounties are wanted for, what,

docking violations, unpaid child support--

CALLISTA: Biting the heads off documentary makers.

TRAVIS: That sort of thing.

JULIAN: Yeah, yeah.

[Tablet Chimes]

JULIAN: Yeah, well, you know what,

maybe we'll get lucky,

one of those 30 percent will pop up.

[Sarcastic Scoff]

JULIAN: Okay fellas, it's transmitting.

Miss Larkadia!

if I could ask you just a few questions,

just a moment of your time!

CALLISTA: No comment!

What part of "No comment" did you not understand?

TRAVIS [O.C]: Marcus, well.

Tremendous potential, very experienced.

Is that thing on?

JULIAN: No, no, no.

TRAVIS: Good.

Actually, they're all very talented,

and very professional.

JULIAN: How would you describe your

style of leadership aboard the Tulip?

TRAVIS: Flexible.

MARCUS: This is where we keep and maintain the weapons

for when we're dealing with armed and dangerous criminals.

NASDEEN: And what kind of dangerous criminals are these?

MARCUS: Well typically they'd be raiders,

ex-raiders, special forces, renegades,

murderers, serial rapists,

any category of prisoners really.

NASDEEN: And so once you've captured these

dangerous criminals,

what happens next?

MARCUS: Oh, we would, ahem.

I would bring them back here and interrogate them.

NASDEEN: And you conduct these interrogations alone?

MARCUS: Well,

by the time I've captured them,

transported them back, they're usually manageable.

JULIAN: And they're locked up, right?

MARCUS: Uh, yeah, yeah, right.

If you'd like to follow me.

PERCY: Basically just run the ship.

JULIAN: And you run it all from here?

PERCY: Yeah, pretty much.

JULIAN: What do these buttons do?

PERCY: Weapons.

JULIAN: Okay, and these?

PERCY: Navigation.

JULIAN: Ah, what about these buttons?

PERCY: Those buttons?

Those buttons right there?

JULIAN: Right there.

PERCY: Nothing.

JULIAN: These buttons do nothing at all.

So you never--

PERCY: Never. JULIAN: Never.

PERCY: Ever. JULIAN: Never.

PERCY: Never ever. JULIAN: Never ever.

JULIAN: Right.

[Spaceship Whooshing]

RUDOLPHO: From our main crime dispatch.

CALLISTA: Lightweight stuff, mostly stolen goods,

communication devices, medicine, environmental suits.

RUDOLPHO: Stanley says this guy

Tremayne escaped three days ago

from the Marius facility, medium security.

TRAVIS: Medium security, it's a damn holiday camp.

Look, he's been picked up three times

by Lu Tovey's crew.

JULIAN: Ah, what does that mean?

TRAVIS: It means you could probably pick him up yourself.

RUDOLPHO: Still a bit more exciting for Julian's purposes.

TRAVIS: If by that you mean he's a notch up on shoplifters,

I'll give you that, but not by much.

[Beeping In Background]

MATILDA [O.C]: That's the best we're going to get?

JULIAN: I'm afraid so.

MATILDA: So you're telling me that we're going to

camera in two days,

and we still don't have a story?

How stupid is that?

Julian, you are supposed to be

one of the most exciting holovisionaries in the universe!

JULIAN: I'll come up with something.

MATILDA: Julian?

Make it so.

[Mysterious Electronic Music]

JULIAN: Any change?

TRAVIS: I'm afraid not.

I mean, if you start tomorrow,

this is the best you're gonna get.

I mean, we'll do our best to keep it exciting, of course.

JULIAN: No, just keep it real.

MARCUS: Hold on, hold on, what's this "We" business?

This is our gig, mine and Percy's!

PERCY: Pardon?

MARCUS: The next job, remember, I asked him, he said yeah!

PERCY: He did, you did?

TRAVIS: My goodness, you're right Marcus,

the next job!

JULIAN: Uh, so what are you saying?

RUDOLPHO: What he's saying is,

your next movie is starring Marcus and Percy.

PERCY: Yay.

MARCUS: What could be better than that?

[Spaceship Humming]

RUDOLPHO: 10,000 credits?

A delivery of twins to Ring Shepard?

TRAVIS: Easy money, thought you'd appreciate that.

CALLISTA: A delivery of twins?

TRAVIS: Yeah, babysitting.

Speaking of which, you two, keep an eye on those two.

MARCUS: Oh, come on, Travis, we don't need that!

RUDOLPHO: It's a milk run, Travis, they'll be fine!

I'll stay here and look after the ship.

Just bring back the dosh.

JULIAN: Mr. Montana.

Thank you so much for your hospitality,

I'm only sorry you won't be joining us.

TRAVIS: Well, maybe next time.

Enjoy your 15 minutes.

MARCUS: Travis?

Listen, I just wanted to say thank you,

I appreciate it.

TRAVIS: Well, good luck.

Have fun.

JULIAN: Marcus, ready for your implants?

Percy?

[Spaceships Whooshing]

JULIAN: This won't take but a minute or two.

Hope you aren't afraid of a little blood.

PERCY: Nope, not afraid of blood.

I know all about corticals,

MARCUS: I was fitted once for a fraud case.

[Implant Beeping]

[Beep]

JULIAN: Parameters?

NASDEEN: Multifocal.

Neuron contact is good.

Full range access,

automatic dial functioning and responding,

congratulations, Marcus, you are now a camera.

[Laughing] MARCUS: That's cool.

[Rapid Beeping]

NASDEEN: This isn't gonna work.

PERCY: Sorry.

JULIAN: Do we need two cameras?

NASDEEN: Is there any reason--

PERCY: Don't ask.

JULIAN: One it is.

CALLISTA [O.C]: A petty criminal like Tremayne

is gonna go right back to Clarke Station

and start all over again, why?

PERCY: We can't beat Clarke Station for moving fine things.

CALLISTA: Yeah, Gateway Lounge it is then.

Marcus, you take the bar.

MARCUS: Right.

CALLISTA: We'll find a table.

Caravaggio, power up the shuttle

and set all doors to automatic.

CARAVAGGIO: Certainly, Madame.

And Car, reconfirm transport arrival from Marius orbital.

CARAVAGGIO: One hour 43 minutes and--

CALLISTA: That'll do.

Shuttle bay airlock.

[Spaceship Humming]

JULIAN: The bounty hunters are all in place.

It's as if they've all seen this before.

CALLISTA: So what do you think of the big time?

PERCY: It's okay.

Better than breathing Rudolpho's stale air.

CALLISTA: Okay.

Something's wrong, he's leaving the bar.

PERCY: Yeah.

MAN: What do you say we get out of this dump

and take you somewhere fun?

WOMAN: Yeah, maybe.

CALLISTA: You need to find out what's going on.

PERCY: Right.

Oh.

Yeah, he looks pretty cute.

I don't know if he's cute up close though.

CALLISTA: Hard to tell.

Only one way to find out.

PERCY: After you.

CALLISTA: No, after you.

PERCY: Hi!

MARCUS: Hey.

PERCY: Aren't you supposed to ask me if I want to sit down?

MARCUS: So, take a seat.

PERCY: No.

Who's the guy at the bar?

MARCUS: I don't know his name,

but I've definitely seen him before, he's a raider.

PERCY: Anything to do with our man?

MARCUS: I hope not.

Thank you.

Up close he's really ugly.

CALLISTA: And?

PERCY: The guy at the bar is a raider.

[Ominus Drums and Chimes]

JULIAN: What's the news on the transporter?

NASDEEN: They docked 15 minutes ago.

JULIAN: So any minute now.

MAN AT BAR: Hey Tremayne, over here.

CALLISTA: Oh great, this is not good.

[Men Chatting Inaudibly]

[Glass Clinking]

CALLISTA: Marcus!

[Lasers Blasting]

[Woman Over P.A System]

[Grunts]

CALLISTA: Damn it, are you okay?

MARCUS: I'm fine, I'm fine!

[Tense Music]

[Lasers Blasting]

[Audience Cheers And Applauds]

MATILDA: Wow!

Man, that was really something, wasn't it?

Now before we go back to the bar,

let's do some highlights.

RUDOLPHO: I don't believe it.

CARAVAGGIO: Goodness me!

RUDOLPHO: Bloody hell.

MATILDA: Now before we go back to Julian

and his comments on all the action,

let's set the table.

What's the first thing?

[Audience Cheers And Applauds]

MATILDA: That's right, the protagonist.

And the second thing?

[Audience Cheers And Applauds]

MATILDA: The antagonist.

Yes, a petty thief who turns out to be

a big time raider assassin.

Alright,

now what do you imagine to be the third thing?

[Audience Chattering Nervously]

MATILDA: Oh, stay tuned, we are just getting started.

Here, on The Third Thing.

[Spaceship Humming]

PERCY: Sorry, man, my gun got stuck in my, uh--

whoa!

MATILDA: Well my goodness,

what a difference a day makes!

It seemed, as Julian astutely pointed out

in his last report,

that Marcus was on his way to bagging an easy bounty.

But something went awfully wrong for Marcus and his team.

What happened down there?

How could Tremayne have possibly foiled the good guys?

JULIAN: You okay?

MARCUS: I want you to remove the implant.

JULIAN: I understand,

I understand 100 percent, but--

NASDEEN: I've never seen anyone die before.

JULIAN: But you have to understand

that there's a 48 hour optical scramble

following any corticoid removal.

PERCY: Marcus, being blind for 48 hours

right now would not be convenient.

MARCUS: Just cut the feed!

JULIAN: Mr. Fagen, listen,

I feel that I'm more than a little responsible

for this whole mess.

If I hadn't been so bloody eager to start--

MARCUS: Just save it.

[Audience Booing Off Camera]

MATILDA: Come on now, that's not fair.

I do hope that Marcus isn't blaming Julian

for his failure to deal effectively with the capture.

Hey, let's put the question to you, vote now.

What do you think?

Is anyone other than our bounty hunters to blame?

Tell me now.

CALLISTA: I missed him,

they took a shuttle to IO City, Sector Seven.

MARCUS: Sector Seven?

CALLISTA: It's the east end, let's go.

PERCY: We're going after them?

MARCUS: We have to.

[Ominous Music]

PERCY: Hey, where did Rudolpho get his

information on Tremayne from?

CALLISTA: From his friend at dispatch, why?

MARCUS: Tremayne's a bloody ex-raider!

Is that what he calls an easy catch?

CALLISTA: Marcus, this isn't gonna solve anything.

MARCUS: He doesn't come on a mission that he's set up.

A mission that's essentially an ex-raider ambush.

CALLISTA: Why would Rudolpho send us down there knowing that?

PERCY: To finally get my ship.

CALLISTA: Look, there's 20 minutes till the next shuttle.

Use this time to think this through.

INTERCOM: Flight 1020 from Titan has arrived at Dock A.

JULIAN: I thought, um...

Well, with everything that's been going on,

I thought maybe you could use this.

CALLISTA: This HV thing is over,

why aren't you staying behind on Clarke?

JULIAN: There's no way back to Mars.

[Sighs]

JULIAN: Listen, we'll go down with you to IO City,

and someone will pick us up from there.

CALLISTA: Are you okay?

JULIAN: It's just...

You see death all the time.

I deal with making representations of reality,

you know?

And sometimes I think I don't know anything about it.

What I saw today,

changed me.

CALLISTA: Well, I've got news for you.

It doesn't get easier.

JULIAN: Yeah, well I don't think I can keep doing what I'm doing.

Who cares about HV?

It's like I killed her down there.

Like it was me pulling the trigger, you know?

And all for what, all for me.

All for the show.

CALLISTA: I think you need this more than I do.

INTERCOM: Shuttle 856 to Europa departing in 10 minutes.

MATILDA: Now, while we tend to think of teams

like that of Marcus Fagen's as unified

and almost of one single mind,

it appears clear from Julian's reportage

that tensions are very much rising to the top.

And while there is much conflict

and mistrust aboard the Tulip,

one nurturing archetype rises above the din.

Callie the fixer.

Now, clearly the child of alcoholics,

she takes the opportunity at every possible turn

to resolve the problems of her dysfunctional "family."

And in the process, ignores her own deeper needs.

Her own need for love.

Well, just witness her role in the Rudolpho argument.

Or in Julian's weakest moment.

Fixers like Callie tend to be extremely serious.

Self reliant.

Unable to trust others.

Unable to relax.

And clearly, need to be in control.

INTERCOM: Mars flight 87.

Arriving on pad three in 30 minutes.

PERCY: What now?

CALLISTA: I'm gonna check departures

and make sure they haven't skipped town.

Marcus?

MARCUS: Yeah.

CALLISTA: Keep your eyes peeled.

INTERCOM: ... Departing in 10 minutes.

JULIAN: Marcus, I just want to thank you for all your help.

Really, thank you.

I just want to apologize for getting you into this mess.

PERCY: No worries.

NASDEEN: Be careful, he's not far away.

INTERCOM: All Terra nationals are requested

to register with IO--

MARCUS: Should we go?

INTERCOM: Failure to comply can result

in immediate deportation.

MATILDA: So far, we've only seen the perspectives

of the first things, Marcus and Percy.

But there's another point of view,

the point of view of the second thing.

We've come to that point now.

Let's see what Tremayne is seeing.

[Ominous Music]

[Lasers Blasting]

MARCUS: Are you good?

PERCY: Been better.

[Lasers Blasting]

JULIAN: Let's go!

What are you waiting for?

NASDEEN: This is too much, I can't do this.

JULIAN: This is not optional.

NASDEEN: I can't do this.

JULIAN: I'll tell you what you can't do.

You can't take care of your kid without working.

And trust me, you leave me here,

and you'll never work again, anywhere.

Do you understand that?

NASDEEN: I can't.

JULIAN: Go!

[Ominous Music]

[Lasers Blasting]

[Nasdeen Screaming]

JULIAN: Nasdeen, Nasdeen!

Tell me what to do?

What am I supposed to do?

Oh, damn it, Nasdeen!

Nasdeen, tell me what to do!

Tell me what to do!

[Lasers Blasting]

[Sobbing]

MATILDA: Get Nasdeen's parents online right now!

MARCUS: Go!

[Lasers Blasting]

PERCY: Stomach.

MARCUS: We need to get her out of here, get her some help.

PERCY: Yeah, yeah, go.

[Nasdeen Moaning In Pain]

MAN: Go around.

Come up behind them.

[Lasers Blasting]

JULIAN: Don't shoot, don't shoot!

MARCUS: I was wondering why Tremayne took a shot at you

back at the bar.

He looked for you specifically!

You set us both up!

[Lasers Blasting]

[Whistling]

[Lasers Blasting]

MARCUS: Am I glad to see you!

RUDOLPHO: All right, sunshine.

[Tense Music]

[Lasers Blasting]

CARAVAGGIO: Marcus.

I have a rather important message to relay.

MARCUS: I'm kind of busy right now, Car!

CARAVAGGIO: Marcus?

Marcus?

MARCUS: Please, what the hell is it?

CARAVAGGIO: I've been trying to send you

a rather interesting video feed, you should see it.

MARCUS: What kind of feed?

CARAVAGGIO: It's being broadcast

from a holovision station on Mars.

If you wish I can relay it through your implant.

MARCUS: Okay, okay, patch it through.

CARAVAGGIO: Marcus, I'm afraid you're live on holovision.

[Audience Cooing]

MATILDA: Well, audience.

We've come to that time in the program

where you get to play along, to vote,

to have your say.

[Audience Cheers And Applauds]

MATILDA: Now that Percy is out of the way

performing her nursing duties,

and Marcus is on his own,

we all know that the key to life is balance.

Everything in equal proportions, they tell us.

Keeping that in mind,

do you think we should balance things out for our subjects?

Do you think Tremayne should be afforded the same privileges

as our bounty hunter, now that they're one on one?

Should we give him a clearer view of the situation?

Yes or no, vote now.

[Audience Cheers And Applauds]

MATILDA: Mr. Tremayne,

we have something you might like to see.

We would like to help you find Marcus.

If you look directly in front, you'll find the solution.

[Ominous Music]

[Lasers Blasting]

[Mournful Music]

PERCY: Nasdeen?

[Mournful Music Cont.]

PERCY: Great.

[Ominous Music]

[Thud]

[Mysterious Music]

[Electrical Screeching From Implant]

[Marcus Grunts]

[Static]

[Breathing Heavily]

MARCUS: Aah!

[Ominous Music]

MATILDA: Julian?

Julian, we've lost Marcus's feed.

What's going on?

JULIAN: I lost them.

MATILDA [O.C]: Julian, can I report a fatality?

JULIAN: I'm looking for them now.

Stall until I get back to you.

[Ominous Music]

[Laser Blast]

PERCY: Hey.

What are you doing here?

RUDOLPHO: Long story.

Right, where's the boy?

PERCY: Rudolpho, what's going on?

JULIAN: Night vision.

[Tense Music]

MATILDA: Julian, what the hell's going on in there?

Juli--?

[Bodies Slamming And Thumping]

[Grunting]

PERCY: Hey, Marcus.

We need him alive.

You're bleeding.

JULIAN: Well, everything is all right then.

[Thud]

MATILDA: Alright, you know the first thing.

AUDIENCE: Marcus and Percy!

MATILDA: You saw the second thing.

AUDIENCE: Tremayne!

MATILDA: And now for the final ingredient.

The all important twist that defines drama

in its highest form.

The third thing.

Callista Larkadia! [Audience Cheers]

JULIAN: I think you need to see the third thing.

RUDOLPHO: Yeah, I think we should.

PERCY: It's a show, of sorts.

MATILDA [O.C]: The third thing, Callista Larkadia!

[Hollowed Applause]

TREMAYNE: Watch the trigger.

MARCUS: Where the hell is she?

JULIAN: Look, could you not hit me again?

I don't know where she is, I swear, I swear.

We just supplied cameras to the guys who grabbed her,

that's all.

Wait, wait, think about it,

why would I put myself in a position to get caught and--

INTERCOM: Security breach in squadron 276.

Sector Echo 11.

A security unit has been dispatched.

MARCUS: Okay.

You have about 20 seconds to decide

how you want to live the rest of your pathetic little life.

Once the cops get here, we can't help you.

If you take us to Callie, you can walk free.

15 seconds left.

RUDOLPHO: He means it.

[Dramatic Music]

TREMAYNE: That's it!

That's the place, now let me go.

MARCUS: Not until we have Callie.

TREMAYNE: Why should I trust you?

MARCUS: You know, you probably shouldn't.

[Tremayne Laughing]

MARCUS: What's so funny?

TREMAYNE: It's the end of the game, people.

MARCUS: What the hell are you talking about?

TREMAYNE: I have three men positioned in that tower.

At this very second,

their high powered weapons are pointed

directly at your pretty little heads.

PERCY: No!

TREMAYNE: Let it rain!

JULIAN: Actually, I've just been informed

that the studio audience voted that plot twist out.

PERCY: This is insane.

MARCUS: Okay, okay, stop!

This is what's gonna happen.

You're gonna go inside that house with Rudolpho.

Only Rudolpho's not gonna be Rudolpho.

He's gonna be your boss.

Understand?

[Rudolpho Chuckling]

CALLISTA: What are you looking at?

Get that thing out of my face!

MAN 1: Okay, it's my turn.

MAN 2: Why?

MAN 1: You've had that thing for the last half hour, that's why.

MAN 2: Well who got the training on it anyway?

MAN 1: You mean how to hold it?

CALLISTA: Hey guys, I have to go to the bathroom.

MAN 2: Oh no, no way.

We're not going through that again.

RUDOLPHO: Why are these gentlemen not wired up?

JULIAN: Ah, I'm sorry, I didn't know you--

MAN 1: You're the guy on the show!

JULIAN: Yeah, that's right, I'm the producer, and he's--

RUDOLPHO: I'm the director.

I am the man who makes dreams come true.

And may I say,

what a marvelous job you've been doing, marvelous!

And you, you!

Where did you get the idea of tilting from the ceiling

and swooshing down upon the lady?

MAN 2: Well, I don't know, I just thought--

RUDOLPHO: It's called a jellyroll, did you know that?

MAN 2: Jellyroll?

RUDOLPHO: Yes, certainly it is.

Yes, you, you!

I want you to make sure that this fine, fine lad

works on every documentary we do from now on.

Is that clear?

MAN 1: I helped with the jellyroll.

RUDOLPHO: Did you, did you really?

Lovely.

Now gentlemen, if you could do something for me.

I was wondering if you could just,

just stand there,

that's beautiful, yes, just stand there,

yes, lovely, lovely profiles, yes yes.

[Heads Thumping]

[Men Shouting In Pain]

RUDOLPHO: And on second thought.

Stun round.

[Laser Blasts]

RUDOLPHO: You are fired.

Aha, that is showbiz!

[Ominous Music] [Spaceship Wooshes]

[Panicking]

JULIAN: Look, everything turned out all right,

didn't it?

Wait, wait!

You guys get your money.

Everyone's happy, alright?

MARCUS: Take off your clothes.

JULIAN: My clothes?

Okay, hold on, okay!

MARCUS: Now!

Come on, we don't have all day!

JULIAN: What are you guys gonna do to me?

MARCUS: Get in the airlock.

JULIAN: Wait, wait--

MARCUS: I'll shoot you dead, I swear!

Get in the airlock.

JULIAN: Okay, okay.

[Ominous Music]

MARCUS: I hope you enjoy.

It's fun to watch, right?

[Shouting] JULIAN: I'm sorry!

I'm sorry.

For god's sake!

It was Matilda!

The production team!

They blackmailed me!

I didn't have a choice!

[Suffocating]

MARCUS: I've always been a firm believer

in getting your money's worth.

And I'm sure you'll agree, all in all.

He's pretty realistic.

[Airlock Filling With Air]

[Julian Sobbing]

DIRECTOR: Alright, people.

We're ready to roll in 60 seconds.

[Laser Blasts]

MATILDA: Hey, hey!

What the hell do you think you're doing?

CALLISTA: We're shutting you down.

MATILDA: You can't do that.

PERCY: Excuse me.

[Lasers Blasting]

DIRECTOR: I lost the signal, what's going on down there?

MARCUS: Hey, Rudolpho.

I just wanted to say that--

RUDOLPHO: Oh, that's okay, son.

You don't need to say anything.

CARAVAGGIO: Attention, all hands.

The credits have been deposited into the accounts,

minus the ship payments.

The producers of The Third Thing

are willing to drop criminal charges against you

if you promise not to press.

PERCY: Could have been worse.

CALLISTA: Yeah, it could have been a series.

CARAVAGGIO: Actually, it used to be one of my favorites.

Rudolpho and I have wiled away many an evening

in Matilda's company.

CALLISTA: You knew?

MARCUS: I don't believe it.

RUDOLPHO: Thanks, Car.

Obviously, I knew.

I just didn't expect it to turn out like that,

did I?

TRAVIS: Turn out like what?

CALLISTA: Nothing.

Done, handled.

Bye.

TRAVIS: Percy, Marcus?

PERCY: It's fine, Travis.

MARCUS: Yeah, yeah, it was good.

TRAVIS: Good, so what, did you get a tape for me?

PERCY: Did you?

[Scoffs] MARCUS: You didn't miss much.

[Explosion]

ANNOUNCER: On the next Starhunter.

DARNELL: That means you have 20 hours to come up

with the ransom.

MAN: I can't get that much money in 20 hours!

DARNELL: Then your parents die.

[Lasers Blasting]

TRAVIS: Just a scratch.

SERENA: Dad?

RUDOLPHO: Serena!

DARNELL: She set me up!

SERENA: I swear I didn't!

[Laser Blasts] [Rudolpho Yelps]

SERENA: You don't knock?

RUDOLPHO: Not when I know the answer's gonna be,

bug off and die.

[Closing Theme Music]