Original subtitles

* Love is blind

* As far as the eye can see

* Deep and meaningless

* Words to me

* Easy lover

* I need a friend

* Road to nowhere Twists and turns

* But will this never end?

* Well, my dear You know that he pleases me

* Pleases me

* But short time solutions Made no resolution

* That ain't no release for me

* Too much of something

* Is bad enough

* But something's coming over me

* To make me wonder

* Too much of nothing

* Is just as tough

* I need to know the way to feel

* To keep me satisfied

* Unwrap yourself

* From around my finger

* Hold me too tight

* Or left to linger

* Something fine

* Built to last

* Slipped up there

* I guess we're running out of time too fast

* Yes, my dear, you know

* He soothes me

* Moves me

* There's no complication There's no explanation

* It's just a groove in me

* Too much of something is bad enough

* Bad enough

* But something's coming over me

* To make me wonder

* Too much of nothing

* Is just as tough

* Just as tough

* I need to know the way to feel

* To keep me satisfied

* What part of no Don't you understand?

* Understand Understand

* I want a man Not a boy

* Who thinks

* He can

* Boy who thinks he can

* Too much of something

* Is bad enough

Well done, girls! Excellent performance.

What're you talking about?

You weren't even watching, Clifford.

-Yes, I was. -Don't lie. No, you weren't!

I sensed the vibes.

I have an excellent vibe sensor right here.

-Yeah, right. -He doesn't love us anymore!

Oh, yes, I do.

I love you like a wildebeest loves five lionesses

-chewing at his legs.

Hello, I'm Piers Cuthbertson Smyth.

And today, I'm spending the first of five days

with the Spice Girls.

ALL: Elton!

Hello!

Good to see you.

-Great glasses, Elton. -Thank you very much.

Come on, girls, we've got to go. Sorry, Elton.

ALL: Bye!

-Bye! -Phew!

Any second now, the Spice Girls

will be stampeding down this corridor

in a frenzy of chaos and energy,

which of course has become their hallmark.

CLIFFORD: What, chickens? How many?

I thought you said they'd be coming down this way?

I never said that.

You want me to cut?

I think that would be wise.

Okay, don't worry, there won't be any fans out here.

-They're all round the front. -Okay.

* Come on And do it *

* Come on And do it *

-Girls, girls, it's Andy. -Not up the skirts, thank you.

What was that you said, Clifford?

* Do what your mama said

* I will not be told

* Keep your mouth shut Keep your legs shut

* Go back in your place

* Blameless, shameless...

-Bye! -Let's go. Come on.

-CLIFFORD: Go, go, go. -Hands off my fluffy toys.

-Nobody come in my bit. -Don't touch my wardrobe.

All right, can we get changed, everyone?

We're gonna be there in 15 minutes.

CLIFFORD: Dennis, Albert Hall.

We're heavy and rolling.

* Come on and do it

* Don't care how you look It's just how you feel

* Come on and do it

Okay, horoscopes.

I don't believe star signs.

You see, you wouldn't, because you're an Aquarian.

Aquarians don't believe in anything.

No, I don't believe that either.

Oh, no! I can't find my boots.

I think I've lost them.

It's always the same. I never know what to wear.

Oh, it must be really hard for you, Victoria.

You know, trying to decide whether to wear the little Gucci dress,

the little Gucci dress,

or the little Gucci dress.

Exactly.

I know.

Why don't you wear the little Gucci dress?

That's a good idea. Thanks, Emma.

* Who cares what they do?

* Because it's yours

* For the taking

-Ah! There they are!

My boots, Geri. You're wearing my boots.

Oh, yeah. I don't know how that happened.

Typical, typical Leo, that is. Isn't it?

Borrowing stuff without even asking me.

Now, that's Capricorn.

Oi, don't you be starting on Capricorns.

-That's it. You've had it. -All right. Have them back!

-No, I don't want them! -ALL: Yeah!

Get off!

-Excuse me!

What do you think of this one?

MEL B: It's great. ALL: Yeah!

CLIFFORD: Now hear this.

There's a press conference coming up.

That means smiling at the cameras,

and answering a lot of dumb questions. That is all.

It's really is tremendously exciting.

We're breaking the news right now, right here.

Next Saturday, 8 o'clock, for the first time ever,

the Spice Girls are gonna perform live

-for the very first time at Albert Hall. -GIRLS: Yay!

-Very excited.

We're working with a new band.

And it's gonna to be absolutely fantastic.

It's gonna be broadcast live throughout the whole world.

The whole world. How many countries are we talking about?

-Millions! -Or maybe even more.

Do you have a message for the multitude of fans you have out there?

Yes.

Goes out to the people in France.

They're huge in Portugal.

I'd like to say something to all the people in Leeds.

Northerners!

I don't have the faintest idea what that means,

but it's gonna be great.

I'm excited. My mum's excited.

They are adorable.

You haven't even shaved for us today, have you, Jonathan?

-I think, I got what you want. -Would you just shut up and watch this?

These are the Spice Girls.

Yeah, I've seen them.

-I like the blond one. -No, no, no.

-Sporty. -Yeah, Sporty one's good.

This is what our movie should be about.

They're young, they're cute, they're hip, they're wacky.

Yeah, but can they act?

What, act?

Did anyone care if Marilyn Monroe could act?

All they cared was she in focus.

I just got an idea, and you're gonna love it.

I can see it very clearly. It's the Spice Girls.

There's five of them.

-And they're singers. -I love it.

We pitch this afternoon.

-CHIEF: How are the girls, Clifford?

Ready for show time on Saturday?

Just going to rehearsals. They're hot, Chief.

They've got fire in their eyes,

hunger in their bellies and great big shoes on their feet.

CLIFFORD: I'm telling you, Chief, they're raring to go.

Mmm. Well, remember that now is the dangerous time.

They've had a lot of success very quickly.

So get ready for the backlash.

CHIEF: When the speeding melon hits the wall,

it is Christmas for the crows.

CLIFFORD: Of course, it is.

Do you want me to go after the paparazzi,

CLIFFORD: Chief? I could start

kicking arses, if you like.

CLIFFORD: Stir things up a bit.

There's no need for any stirring.

Put a couple of cats among a few pigeons.

Leave the pigeons alone.

Watch the feathers fly.

Keep it down. -Get some blood on the walls!

No!

Sorry, Chief. Just an idea.

There will be time for that soon enough.

Remember,

the drummer who is without sticks, has no backbeat.

Absolutely.

Right, puss?

What did he say?

I haven't a clue.

But I know that he's right.

Drummer? Drummer.

One, two.

One, two, three, four.

* I'm giving you everything

* All that joy can bring

* This I swear

* I give you everything

* And all that I want from you

* Is a promise You will be there

* Say you will be there

* I'm giving you everything

* I give you everything

* All that joy All that joy

* This I swear

Now, remember, the camera is the window to the soul.

-Window to the soul. -That's it.

Through the eyes, obviously.

What I want to do... I want to take my audience on a journey

into the mind's eye of the Spice Girls.

And focus on their deepest subconscious.

-Deepest subconscious. -That's it, Enzo.

Got it? Great.

Track, track, track, track.

-I think we'll need a longer lens. -Mmm-hmm.

PIERS: BAFTA, BAFTA, BAFTA.

* You'll be there

-Sorry.

-Sorry, my fault.

Sort your fingers out, Dave.

What you left your boxing gloves on?

Okay. Let's do it, once again, please.

That was absolutely perfect,

without being actually any good.

Once again, then. Once again, then.

-Hi, y'all. -Hi, Nic.

Now, please, let's keep the momentum going.

Obviously, after a short break.

-ALL: Aw! We missed you.

Look at that emotion. That real, raw emotion!

Come on, boys! Capture that magic.

Quickly!

-Oh, oh.

All right.

Except my back's done in,

my front's done in. my insides are wrecked,

and I haven't seen my feet for weeks,

but I hear they're really fat, too.

-They are. Not.

How's baby?

Well, how would you feel being carried around all day

in a nice, squishy water bed?

-Very lucky, I think.

It kicked!

-NICOLA: Last week.

You wanna start charging it storage?

So, how's Trevor?

-He's gone. Trevor's left me. -I don't believe it.

-Sound running. -Excuse me.

Would you mind not filming, please?

Cut.

I mean, I always knew Trevor was irresponsible, right.

But he's now gone and proved it.

What a complete...

What I want to do with this documentary

is show the real Spice Girls.

You know, I want to break through the show business side.

I want to crash right through it,

and reveal the truth.

Well, that's fine.

Just as long as you crash through the showbiz facade

on schedule.

Don't get in anybody's way.

Yes, well, a smile costs nothing.

Don't worry, Nic. It'll be all right.

-Oh, no.

-I think I am getting broody. -ALL: Oh, no.

Just wait till you lot start having kids.

That will be really weird.

How my Gloria gets her clothes so dirty,

I'll never know.

Bless her.

Oh.

My poor back.

I don't know how you can have any more of them kids.

You've got six already, ain't you?

-Mmm.

Yeah, but they're so cute when they're little.

Then they grow up to be real little bleeders.

Thank God for boarding school.

I only see mine once a month.

-Our Terry goes to me... -Cheers.

He goes, "Ma, I wanna be a singer."

I said, "Listen, lad, go to college,

"get yourself a proper job."

Does he listen? No.

They never do, though, do they? I mean, you know...

Darling.

ALL: Kids today don't know how lucky they are.

Brucey! Demi!

Will you turn that bloody racket down?

Hate to interrupt.

There's a small matter of an extremely live gig on Saturday.

-All right. We're coming. -I don't want to.

-Oh!

-Take care. -See you later.

All right, we're coming.

-I need to wee. -Yeah, go ahead.

* I'm giving you everything

* All that joy can bring

* This I swear

* Last time that we had this conversation

* I decided we should be friends

* Yeah

* But now we're going round in circles *

Baby Spice! Baby Spice! Get the shoes.

-The blond one.

* Oh

* Now you tell me that you've fallen in love

* Well I never ever thought that would be

* Hey

* This time

* You gotta take it easy

* Throwing far too much emotions at me

* But any fool can see

* They're falling

-Posh one.

The one that looks posh.

* I'm giving you everything

* All that joy can bring

* Yes, I swear

* I give you everything

* And all that I want from you

* Is a promise

* You will be there

* Say you will be there

* If you

* Put two and two together

* You will see What our friendship is for *

Across to Geri. Hips. Very good. Very nice. This is a good bit.

* If you can't work this equation

* Then I guess I'll have to show you the door

* There is no need to say

* You love me

* It'd be better left unsaid

* I give you everything On this I swear

* Just promise You'll always be there

* I'm giving you everything

* I'm giving you everything

* All that joy can bring All that joy can bring

* This I swear

* This I swear

* All that I want from you All that I want from you

* Is a promise you Is a promise you

* Will be there

* Always be there

* I'm giving you everything

Look at that, Brad! Look at that!

"Spice Girls set to conquer the globe."

Why is it that I can't pick up a paper

without seeing them all over the front page?

You told us to write that story, Kevin.

I know!

I know!

And as long as I keep selling newspapers,

we're gonna have to keep writing about them.

Well, I'm sick of them! We need a new angle, Brad.

I mean, who cares if the Spice Girls

get to number one yet again?

Who cares if they climb to the top of Mount Everest on an ostrich?

Or if they find a cure for deja vu.

Not me.

Or if they find a cure for deja vu.

Not me.

I got a better idea.

You try this tor size.

"Spice Girls'

"live show canceled."

Well, that's not bad.

"Spice Girls fall out."

"Spice Girls split up."

-Ah! -Think how many copies

of the paper we'll sell with a headline like that.

-I like it. -I can make it happen, Brad.

Me, Kevin McMaxford.

I put them up there!

-I can bring them down! -Yes, sir.

Who is gonna help me take on Girl Power?

And bring it crashing and whimpering to the ground?

I'll find someone, Kevin.

I just wish you wouldn't get so upset.

CLIFFORD: Now hear this.

It is dangerous to store moisturizing cream

in the refrigerator,

as it can be mistaken for mayonnaise.

That is all.

Check.

What do you mean, check?

I mean check.

My bishop's got your king.

Where?

There! You either got to move it in front,

or move it out of the way.

All right, I'll move that fairground horse to there.

Sort that out.

-You can't do that.

Says Mr. Chess.

It's been in the rules for thousands of years.

Well, I'm gonna break the rules,

and set this fairground horse free

amongst all these little square fields like that.

I'm gonna slap you in a minute.

It's obvious to us that the Spice Girls are movie stars.

We've worked on this idea for months.

Graydon?

Can we turn off our cell phones, please?

Respect for the writer.

Okay, this is the ultimate tale.

Five girls, five lives, one story.

As old as time itself,

but as fresh as newly cut grass.

And that's fresh.

The girls play five sisters,

whose parents disappeared

during the January Harrods sale,

and were never seen again.

Zip, ripped from today's headlines.

GRAYDON: Now they live at home, struggling to support

an elderly grandmother,

who suffers from some mysterious wasting disease.

I've got tears.

Their only hope at breaking the cycle of poverty

lies with the middle sister, Melanie C,

who's convinced she could be an Olympic Ski Jump champion.

If only she could overcome her fear of heights,

and snow,

and if she could just get her hands on a pair of skis.

That's amazing.

That's fantastic.

What do you think?

I think it stinks.

Of course, it stinks!

But it's a start.

We're cooking here.

This is a stew, a gumbo.

A jambalaya, if you will.

We're just jamming.

Okay, here's another idea.

Crocodiles.

MAN ON RADIO: Well, that was the Spice Girls.

If you want tickets to their first ever live gig,

tough luck. You're too late.

But they're with me now on Surgery.

So here they are. Welcome, girls!

-There's Sporty, Scary... -ALL: Turn it off.

-All right, I will. -So Emma, what's it like to be Baby Spice?

You know, I'll always gonna be seen as Baby Spice,

you know, the sweet, innocent one,

even when I'm 30?

You love it really, Emma.

You play up to it all the time.

No, I don't.

Yes, you do. You're doing it now.

I'm not.

-You see,

the thing about you, Emma,

is you've got this dead cute little smile,

so you can get away with anything.

Hello, ladies and gentlemen.

Four horrible murders

perpetrated by the same ruthless psychopath.

Each victim riddled with a hundred machine gun bullets by this maniac.

But who is it? Professor Schutzmann?

Father Conan Murphy?

Lady Matilda Davenport?

Or...

Miss Emma Bunton?

The murderer is

-Father Conan Murphy! -Argh!

I am really fed up with people thinking

that all I do is talk about clothes all the time.

Yeah, people are really shallow.

They only judge you on what you look like.

Exactly.

Oh, I mean, I think it's the same with fish.

I mean, look at this.

You've got the spotty one that's wacky.

You've got the fluffy one that's cute.

And then you've got this ugly loser one,

that reminds me of my ex-boyfriend, Steven.

Ew!

Did you know

-that the largest fish in the world is the manta ray? -Ahhh!

And then there's the little ginger one

that is full of useless information

about manta rays.

I don't get it. Why do people stereotype us all the time?

Ahhh!

The trouble is we're all getting really predictable.

MEL B: Maybe I should stop being loud and lairy.

VICTORIA: Yeah, right.

Haha. Fat chance!

Hold it there.

Now, give it to me.

Why don't we give each other new characters?

Like what?

I tell you what. What about Bricklayer Spice?

Sexy. Come on, energy!

Or, uh, Trainspotting Spice.

Smashing!

What about Sporty but I'm actually interested in other things Spice?

Go for it, girls! Go for it! Come on!

-Or Cheesed off with cheesy photo session Spice. -ALL: Yeah.

-All right. -GIRLS: Yeah!

MEL B: And again.

Let's go do our own thing. Come on.

* Take it from me

* You know I mean what I'm saying

* You better watch out You better wise up

* To mind games he's playing

* He may have the looks

* He may have the charms Yeah

* But where does he go What does he do

* When he's not in your arms

* Keep your head up high

* Don't you know you are the super fly *

Ow! Oh!

* And that ain't no lie

* Because it's Saturday night You got a feeling it's right

* Don't you know We'll get so high *

Bye! Ow!

* Get down Get deeper and down

* Saturday night Get down

* Deeper and down Get down

* Get deeper and down Saturday night *

Hello, Mr. Bond.

Or can I call you James?

* Saturday night Get down

* Deeper and down Get down

* Get deeper and down

Want that shaken or stirred?

That's it. I'm off. I'm going.

Ha, ha, ha!

I'm so sporty!

Yeah. Ha, ha...

* Superstar That's what you are *

My mommy's my best friend. Shh.

I'm just too posh.

When are Liverpool gonna win the cup, like, eh?

Are we finished yet?

Ah, blah, blah. Girl Power.

Feminism. You know what I mean?

Oh, no.

* Saturday night

* Get down Deeper and down

* Get down Get deeper and down *

I feel as though I'm being strangled.

-Really uncomfortable.

Well, I just nearly fell off these shoes

and sprained my ankle.

These things are really tight. They're going right up my bum.

These are really comfy, actually.

Don't even think about it.

I'm off. I'm getting these off.

-I need some platforms.

Yes! I got just the man for the job.

He did the Fergie toe-sucking pictures.

He got the Teletubbies taking a poo.

If you want a picture of Bill Clinton

tucking his T-shirt into his underpants,

you'll get that too.

He sounds great, but where the hell is this guy?

I'm here.

How do we know you're any good, pal?

7:45 a.m., you sniffing your socks before putting them on.

8:55 a.m., you in the lift, picking your nose.

Another bogey breakfast.

He's good.

You again behind the bike shed with Eileen Winters,

when you were 12.

He's very good.

He's gone!

* Stop right now

* Thank you very much

* I need somebody with the human touch *

Now hear this. Now hear this.

After using the showers,

could people please pick up the clumps of hair

in the plug holes?

It's unhygienic, and can lead to flooding.

Can't Clifford just tell us normally?

CLIFFORD: Next up, publicity party.

Beautiful people, reporters, interviews.

Lots of finger food. Have fun.

That is all.

-They're here. Don't look. -I'm not looking.

I hate these parties. Everyone dresses so over the top.

Have you noticed they all ask you how you are,

and don't even care.

Yeah, I should be at the footie now,

and if I'm not there and they lose...

Do you know him?

Sorry.

Piers Cuthbertson Smyth.

I'm with the Spice Girls.

Your name is not down, you're not coming in.

Oh, you said they'd recognize you.

Yes, well, I go to all the shows,

but, you know, Gucci, Pucci, Prada and Fendi.

I was very disappointed with their Spring collections.

As for McQueen and Galliano, I could go either way on them easy.

What do you think about manta rays?

Oh, yes, marvelous designer, Manta Ray.

I love Manta Ray.

These are his shoes, these are his glasses.

Listen, Bob, we've gotta sort your hair out.

In fact, I'm gonna do your hair for you.

What's wrong with the hair? Everybody's always going on about the hair.

Yeah, well, I mean, It's not as if we wanna be

threatening to a man's masculinity or anything.

-Of course not. -You know, or be dominating.

-Yeah, of course not. -I know.

The funny thing is when we do meet men,

sometimes they get all nervous and don't know what to say.

Oh, well, um... Things.

I'm just gonna go to the toilet.

Hello, Trish.

I've been talking to a Spice Girl.

I know.

Right. Now, Bob, I think you look great.

What the hell have you done?

Nicola, Nicola! Remember me? Piers, yes.

Oh, yeah. Hi.

We're with her. We have to get in.

Oh.

-Ticket! We have a ticket.

And tonight is the night.

When three become one.

Thank you.

Look, I've got something really important to ask you.

-But if you don't wanna do it, it's all right, okay?

Go on, go on, what is it?

I was thinking one of you could be godmother

-to the baby. -ALL: Wow!

But then I thought, well, I love you all and you're all my best mates.

-And I want you all to be godmothers. -ALL: Yeah!

One condition. It's got to be a Liverpool supporter.

Hang on a minute.

Do godmothers get stretch marks?

-No. -Hi, uh, listen. I'm sorry to interrupt,

-but it is interview and photo time now. -ALL: Oh!

-Uh, yes, you do.

It's your job. Come on!

-Come on. -See you. I'm so sorry.

Sorry, Nicola, I'll see you.

Girls, it's publicity for Saturday's show.

-Hi, I'm Barnaby. -Oh, hi.

So, are you a part of the Spice phenomenon?

No, I'm just nobody. -Oh.

Excuse me a minute.

Mmm. So, we're on a wide-angled lens.

Wide-angled lens.

Running.

And, now, tonight I'm going to be asking the big questions.

How are relationships molded

in this strange, kaleidoscopic world

the Spice Girls inhabit?

Let's find out, shall we?

So, do you have any time

for boys?

Boys? Doesn't ring a bell.

You see, I think with boys,

you should be able to just wheel them in,

and then they're there, and that's it.

-Yeah, and order them like a pizza.

Yeah, right. I'll have a deep-pan, six foot,

green eyes, pair of loafers.

And no socks.

Yeah. No cheese.

But you do like boys, don't you, Geri?

Come on. Is the Pope a Catholic?

PIERS: Apparently he is, yes.

Here at home, church leaders have reacted

with shock today to report

that the Spice Girls have cast doubt

on the religious conviction of the Pope.

That's more like it!

A Vatican spokesman said the pontiff was hurt and confused

by the suggestion that he might not be Catholic.

We asked the Bishop of Candleford what he thought of the report.

It's a terrible suggestion, almost blasphemous.

Of course, the Pope's a Catholic.

Otherwise, he wouldn't have been invited to become pope, would he?

I'd like to know what evidence the Spice Girls have

to support these allegations. I really would.

Here we go. The backlash has started.

When the rabbit of chaos is pursued by the ferret of disorder

through the fields of anarchy,

it is time to hang your pants on the hook of darkness.

Yeah.

Whether they're clean or not.

MEL C: Why Milan, Clifford? CLIFFORD: Just a TV special.

Italians, screaming kids, the usual thing.

MEL B: Are we there yet?

* Come on, come on

* Come on, come on

* Come on, come on

* Come on, come on

* Come on

* Do you wanna be in my gang My gang, my gang

* Do you wanna be in my gang Oh yeah

* Do you wanna be in my gang My gang, my gang

* Do you wanna be in my gang

* I'm the leader

What the hell is this?

* I'm the leader of the gang Yeah *

No way!

Clifford, what is going on here

Stop. Please stop.

What are you stop?

No, we didn't agree to have this lot dancing with us.

I mean, I know you said it was going to be tacky,

but this is tacky.

Hey, Bobby Charlton.

Why have they stopped?

They're stopping because these clowns suddenly appeared.

I don't doubt you, my friend,

but they should be on another show or a zoo.

I mean, come on, look at his muscles.

It looks as though he's got ferrets burrowing

under there or something.

I know. I'm sorting it out. Over here.

You think that's real down there?

Looks like a pair of rolled up socks to me.

You carry on like this, I take the girls back.

You're taking the girls back?

What about the contract?

Contract? Ha!

In my bed I've got two teddies,

I've got a rabbit, I've got two dollies.

One's Susan. She's got a bad eye.

The boys stay here.

The girls, they go, I sue you.

A.C. Milan? Nah. You're a bit weak in your midfield.

And then I've got a green giraffe which I won at a fair.

It was the only one left, and I felt really sorry for him.

Okay. So you want to play hardball? What do you want, fisticuffs?

Then there's Buzz, Woody, the alien,

and then I've got a fluffy pink hot-water bottle.

So, there's just not enough room for you, mate.

Ew!

-Eh, your mother.

Si. Your mother.

Hey. Your mother!

-Si!

Your big fat mother, and your brother-in-law!

-And your mad cousin! -Eh.

-And your next door neighbor's goat! -Eh!

-Now I kill you. -Go for it. Go for it.

-Go for it. -Boys, boys, boys.

Calm down.

Have you not heard of the word "compromisation?"

What?

Crazy, crazy.

* Come on, come on

* Come on, come on

* Come on, come on

* Come on

* Come on, come on

* Come on, come on

* Come on, come on Come on

* I said Come on, come on

* Come on, come on

* Come on, come on

* Come on

* Do you wanna be in my gang My gang, my gang

* Do you wanna be in my gang Oh yeah

* Do you wanna be in my gang My gang, my gang

* Do you wanna be in my gang

* I'm the leader

* I'm the leader

* I'm the leader of the gang I am

* I'm the leader

* I'm the leader

* There's no one like the girl I am

* I can take you

* High as a kite every single night

* I can make you

* Jump out of bed

-Now, that looks better. -We agreed on a compromise.

* Who'd ever believe it

* Who'd ever believe it

-That's the compromise.

* Do you wanna be in my gang My gang, my gang *

Hey, Bobby Charlton!

Who'd ever believe this, yeah? Huh

* My gang, my gang Oh, yeah

* Do you wanna be in my gang My gang, my gang

* Do you wanna be in my gang

-Oh yeah!

MEL B: Was that really worth it?

MEL C: I'm so glad we got the morning off.

EMMA: First one in a month, Clifford.

MEL B: Are we there yet?

EMMA: Yes. So am I. MEL B: I'm dying for the loo.

GERI: Clifford, can we stop the bus?

CLIFFORD: Dennis, pull over. We've got a crisis.

The girls need to go to the bathroom again!

-I'm bursting to go wee. -Move! Move!

-Geri, I've borrowed your shoes.

Mind the spider!

You see?

Doesn't matter how successful you are,

sometimes you have to pee in the woods.

I don't understand how all the toilets

can break down at the same time.

It's not my fault they keep breaking down.

Listen, it's hard enough to get a plumber to come to your house

and that stays in one place.

But you try calling one out to a bus that's moving around the countryside.

-It's impossible. -Isn't there something that you can do about them?

Like what?

Fix them!

Listen. I love these girls,

and I'll do anything for them.

But I won't do that.

I don't want to go any further. I'm scared!

VICTORIA: Why does the countryside have to be so bloody muddy?

MEL B: You know what? Something just brushed past me and I'm not joking.

-It was only a disgusting beast that wants to eat you. -Oh!

-Oh, pack it in, Mel. -It wasn't me.

I think we're lost, you know.

Spiders are everywhere. Whose idea was this?

What's that?

Oh, my God! Run for it!

I can't move!

Oi, get off!

And now, you've done it now.

-Geri, go and say something to them. -Say something.

Go on. Say something good, Geri.

What do you want with us?

-Yeah. -Yes.

-I'm really sorry, but they've all sold out. -Yes.

-Oh, my God. Stop.

What's his name?

-Four.

-There you go.

Oh, my Gosh! You're fat.

Ew, he wants you to snog him.

He wants you, G.

GIRLS: Ew!

GIRLS: Ew!

Ugh!

They want a picture, now.

Smiles.

CLIFFORD: What do you mean, aliens?

MEL C: You know, aliens from outer space.

-They had these little squidgy faces. -GIRLS: Yeah.

VICTORIA: And really cheap green coats.

CLIFFORD: You're obviously under massive stress.

I think you need some time off.

I'm going to stand up to the chief. Be assertive.

I'm gonna ask him... No.

Tell him the girls are going to have the morning off.

-CHIEF: The answer is no, Clifford.

-The girls cannot have the morning off. -Of course not.

The fact that they've been working really hard

and they're at the point of exhaustion is...

-Irrelevant. -Irrelevant.

Irrelevant. Without sacrifice, there is no success.

Without pain, there is no pleasure.

And without something, there is no nothing.

Very assertive, Clifford.

You better go and tell them.

-CLIFFORD: I know. -Go on, then.

I'm going on, then.

-GIRLS: See you, Clifford! -Come on! Hold on!

-We're going home to sleep.

We'll see you tomorrow afternoon.

-No, no. I'm sorry. There's been a change of plan. -Whoa!

The schedule's too tight. No morning off.

Oh, nice one, Clifford.

-You nearly had us there. -Yeah.

-You're not good at telling fibs. -No.

I'm sorry. There's too much to get through.

-Oh, no.

No, you see, the thing is

we've got to see Nicola in the morning,

because the baby's overdue.

Babies are allowed to be overdue. You're not.

Please, I'll buy you a milk chocolate Magnum each.

-Okay. -Get back.

Look, Clifford, you can only push us so far.

Yeah, right.

You just better watch it, mate.

From now on, there's no more Mr. Nice Spice.

GIRLS: Hmm.

-I don't know, mate.

ALL: Ah!

-Fooled you. -Got you!

See you in the morning.

-And don't forget my Magnum.

CLIFFORD: Now hear this. Now hear this.

You are about to enter Dance Camp.

You will be under the instruction of the toughest

dance teacher of all time, Mr. Step.

Right, you horrible lot!

Left, right, left! Yeah.

Don't give me that Julie Andrews

high on a hill type claptrap.

Chop, chop. I'm your mother now, and I don't mean superior.

Take that sweet out of your mouth!

Right, now. Shutunu!

Shimmy, shimmy, shimmy, shimmy.

Are you the dance teacher, Mr. Step?

That is correct.

I'm going to show you my port de bras.

That won't apply to you.

-Pay attention. Mental.

One, two, one.

* Mama!

* Oh, mama

* Oh, mama

* Ma!

* Oh, ma Oh, ma.

* Mama Oh, ma

* Mother

-You know what, we can't dance like that. -Yes, I know.

I've seen your videos.

Oh, that's enough. We should do our own thing?

I don't even understand them, they seem so strange.

That's it. We're gonna get fit, fit, fit.

One, two. One, two, three, four.

One, two, three, four. One, two.

One, two, three, four. One, two.

One, two, three, four.

One, two.

* Never give up on the good times

* Gotta believe in the love you find

* Never give up on the good times *

Sharp turn, right.

March!

Love it. Make your mothers proud of you.

What sort of men are you, anyway?

Left, right, left, right, left.

Right, left, right, left, right, left.

Right then, Spice Girls, regimental chant.

We're the Spice Girls, yes, indeed.

Just Girl Power is all we need.

-Pick it up! -We know how we got this far.

Strength and courage and a Wonderbra.

Could this work with only one?

Just with me I'd have no fun.

Would this work with only two?

We need more for what we do.

Would this work with only three?

Three's a crowd, bad company.

Would this work with only four?

No way, girl, we need one more.

Listen up, take my advice.

We need five for the power of Spice.

Give it up, give it up. Take a stand, scream and shout.

One, two, three, four, five, Spice Girls!

One, two, three, four, five, Spice Girls!

STEP: Get in there. Posh Spice, where are you going?

-Spider in there! -STEP: Get out of those tubes! Come on!

Get up that ramp! Get hold of that rope!

-That is correct!

Whoa!

That is not correct! That is not correct!

I'll give you "not correct".

What? No, I...

STEP: Lights off!

MEL B: It's not even dark yet! STEP: And you, Melanie!

Oh!

It's pathetic, you know,

that we can't even sleep in our own rooms.

Yeah, I don't know what we're making such a fuss for.

It's only an old house.

A big old house.

A big, very old, haunted, big old house.

Well, I had this horrible dream last night.

I dreamt we were all doing the live show.

And I went on stage,

and I was just about to open my gob, and nothing came out.

Something even more weird happened.

I have the same dream.

No way.

I had exactly the same dream, but mine was much, much worse.

You see, I had a head but there was no makeup on it.

Oh, no.

I just don't understand. So what does it all mean?

Probably our subconscious minds

so we don't have to deal with our inner anxieties

when we're awake.

Like we're all gonna be scared of this live show.

And that we might not be able to sing.

And it's gonna be a complete disaster.

Oh, no. Let's just stay here together.

Yeah, squash up. I'm going to sleep now.

MEL B: I am. See you.

I hate you, McMaxford.

I really, really hate you.

I hate you!

Look at that! Look at that!

More stories! More evil harpoons from the press!

Oh, really, I wouldn't let it bother you, Clifford.

Just chill out. What's wrong with you?

Yeah, the press can just flick off.

-Makes me just wanna strangle something!

Look, if we took any notice of all that press,

we'd go mad like you.

-I just can't take it anymore! -Grrr!

It's all lies! I'll tell you, I'm simply not like that!

-Bring me a straitjacket! -Haha!

-Yes, you can laugh! You can laugh! I'll fight!

-Clifford!

He is so uptight,

he's gonna have a heart attack any day.

-Maybe he's not getting enough bacon. -Could be.

Do you know what would be perfect?

If he fancied Deborah.

ALL: Yeah!

I reckon he's got a chance with her because, apparently,

she hasn't had a boyfriend in months.

Nah, he doesn't fancy her.

The body language is all wrong.

He doesn't even look at her when he's talking to her.

Yeah, but that doesn't matter. You know what men are like.

They don't like showing their emotions, do they?

Now, that is true.

But, apparently, there's these animals in the jungle, or the rain forest,

or it's somewhere like that.

Anyway, when the male's courting the female,

he goes up to her and pees on her.

-GIRLS: Oh, no!

But it's his way of showing that he fancies her.

And the thing is, they get it on afterwards and mate.

-Swell!

Well, call me old-fashioned,

but I much prefer a bunch of flowers.

Okay, baby,

here's where we get high concept.

Eight miles high.

A Royal Air Force stealth bomber is

hijacked by a group of extraterrestrial terrorists.

Inside the pilot's pocket is a computer disk

with a virus encoded on it that is so deadly,

it could destroy the world.

The British Prime Minister has absolutely no choice.

He has to call in the Spice Force Five.

* Spice Force Five

Can you see the merchandising?

Action figures?

Crack operatives in their own field.

There's the martial arts expert.

Hiya!

Counter espionage agent.

Goal!

Explosives expert.

Oh, no!

The master of disguise.

* Wonder woman

* Wonder woman

* You're a

* Wonder woman

Girl Power! Equalization between the sexes, hmm?

And... Oh! Victoria!

Then what

-Absolutely. -Oh, hell, yeah.

Why not?

What kind of reality are you interested in?

I'm open.

-GIRLS: Victoria!

Competition winners.

The chance to make those fantasy figures

become a reality.

Dreams come true. The stuff of fairy tales.

So, how's it feel to have won

the trip round London with the Spice Girls?

- It's great. - I expect your friends are really, really jealous?

-Yeah. -I'm sure they are.

-Planes, dogs, traffic.

Well, we won't be using this bit anyway.

Don't worry about it. Come on.

I hate that. Couldn't get a word in edgewise.

I know. They treat us like bloody kids.

DEBORAH: Okay, kids, welcome to the Spice Bus.

-Cool. -Girls.

-Competition winners.

Balloons, cakes, sandwiches, fun, fun.

Smile.

MEL C: Why do they have loads of fish paste sarnies at parties?

-No one likes them. -I know.

EVIE: It must be great being a Spice Girl. GIRLS: Yeah.

-Yeah, it's really good. -It'd be even better

if it wasn't for our fascist slave driver

-bossing us about all the time. -GIRLS: Yeah!

GERI: Let's just escape from this place!

Yeah!

EMMA: Don't worry, she does this all the time.

MEL C: She is mad.

-Yes!

When I say go, we go.

-Go!

Grab some crisps.

-Just go with the flow.

Take it easy, girls.

Do you mind telling me where they're going?

They're being spontaneous.

I told them before,

if they want to be spontaneous,

-they'd have to clear it with me first. -DEBORAH: Come on.

-Let's go. -Hi, can we have a ride on your boat, please?

Enzo, quick! There's an aquatic adventure happening here!

What we need now is a really serious speedboat.

-Dennis, follow them. -I'm on the trail, Clifford.

* My boy Lollipop

* You make my heart go giddy-up

* You are as sweet as candy

* You're my sugar dandy

* Oh, oh My boy Lollipop *

The Spice Girls at sea.

What an extraordinary combination

of Girl Power and horsepower.

Can't this thing go any faster?

My heart told me so

* I love you I love you

* I love you so

* But I don't want you to know

Faster! Come on!

* I need you, I need you I need you so

* And I'll never let you go

Deborah, can you please explain

what the hell is going on here?

Well, they're having fun. Rock 'n' roll.

No, it's not.

Rock 'n' roll's staying up all night, getting completely off your face,

and throwing television sets out of hotel windows.

I don't remember any mention of boats.

* You're my boy Lollipop

Enzo, they're dancing. Can we have them dancing, please?

I can hear singing, Enzo.

Can you get what they're singing?

Come on, Clifford. Don't you remember being a kid?

What?

You know, falling over in the playground,

scraping your knees.

Deborah, what planet are you from?

ENZO: Hold on! Water on the lens, Piers!

* I need you, I need you I need you so

* And I'll never let you go

Here they come.

* My boy Lollipop

Stop!

Stop!

-Stop!

Oh, my!

There is a child in the water.

Get that! I want a close-up of that...

-Piers, all I'm getting is you shouting. -Shush then.

Turn it around! Quick!

Don't worry! I'll save her!

At last, a real drama. Sorry.

-Get off! I'm trying to film. -Whoa!

I got a loud splash there, Piers!

CLIFFORD: Just great!

Parents lend us their kids, and we drown them.

JACK: Wow! That was so brilliant! EVIE: Wicked!

That was not supposed to happen!

-EVIE: Yeah, we're fine.

-You mean, I got wet for nothing? -Help!

God! -This dress is dry-clean only, Melanie!

Do they have sharks in the Thames?

Oh, shut up!

Oh, they're coming.

Whose idea was this?

BOTH: Yours.

-No!

Vicky, do you wanna wear this?

I'm not that desperate, thank you.

Easy, easy, Melanie. Are you all right?

Do you realize what'll happen

if any of this ever gets out?

And more drama concerning the Spice Girls.

Today, two young competition winners

had a dramatic escape when they fell from a speeding boat

on the river Thames.

This report from James Platt.

Take it easy, Clifford.

Would you like a Rescue Remedy?

I think it's time for a chat.

Look at this.

Front page news again.

Suppose the whole lot of you had been drowned?

We weren't though, were we?

Speak for yourself.

What did you think you were doing, going off like that?

-We were just having fun.

You know, fun, like, "Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha."

Look, Clifford, we're old enough to take responsibility

for our own lives.

-You don't have a life.

You have a schedule.

You are part of a well-oiled, global machine.

There are people working their butts off tor you!

People like Deborah, here.

Can you leave my butt out of this?

Oh, just don't be so uptight, Clifford.

Uptight? Uptight!

You've got a live gig here tomorrow!

It's my job to see that you turn up!

My bum is on the line here!

Could you please leave butts and bums out of this for one minute?

Clifford,

some things are more important than gigs, you know.

-Like self-respect,

and our freedom for a start!

Yeah, and friendship.

So, what are you saying?

You don't want to turn up here tomorrow night?

Maybe we don't!

What did you say that tor?

I don't know. I just said it.

Listen, you!

It's up to us whether we turn up

to this gig or not tomorrow.

-Okay.

Stay at home.

That's fine.

-Fine! -Fine!

What about the fans? We can't let them down!

-He didn't mean that.

Can we please stop arguing?

When you know exactly

what is supposed to be happening,

could somebody please let me know?

Oh, great, Clifford!

Now, look what you've gone and done!

Well, that's just too bad.

Yeah, well, it is too bad because you know what?

-I'm going home now. See you! -Bye!

Can we just stop all this? It's doing my head in!

Emma!

I hope you know what you're doing.

Because if you're looking for a fight,

you're gonna lose!

So, what do you think? No, I don't want to hear what you think.

What do you think?

I think you definitely, definitely lost.

I think...

I think, I may have just started

the breakup of the Spice Girls.

It's fine, Chief. Everything's fine.

-Oh, no, it isn't. -No, it isn't.

-Imagine how bad

it could possibly be.

-Well, it's worse than that.

-Oh, dear. -Don't get upset, Chief.

-Oh, dearie me. -You're getting all emotional, Chief.

Look, the show will go on.

Even if I have to round up four friends,

and personally dress up as Victoria.

Let us hope it does not come to that.

-I won't let you down, Chief. -You'd better not.

Remember.

The headless chicken

can only know where he has been.

-He cannot see where he is going.

Do not be that chicken, Clifford.

Chicken? Right.

Things are moving.

The girls have had a row with Clifford.

They might not turn up for the show.

Something strange is happening.

What is it?

Something's happening to my face.

I... I think you're smiling.

WOMAN ON TELEVISION: That you'd be like this.

I'm sorry.

Sorry that you ever left here.

Sam,

for old time's sake.

MAN: Yeah, sure, for old time's sake.

-Thanks, Brian.

So there we go, girls. That's six coffees.

-Thanks, Brian. -One pound fifty.

Can you put it on the slate, please, Brian?

What slate?

You know, the we'll pay you back when we're rich and famous slate.

Call me old-fashioned and sentimental, but no.

Who do you think I'm, the Salvation Army?

Oh, well, it was worth a try.

BRIAN: So, how's the musical career going?

You got any deals?

EMMA: Not quite. GERI: But we've got this new song.

BRIAN: What is it, a flip

-Hip-hop.

Funk? Where have you been for the last ten years?

BRIAN: Well, I don't know the music scene now.

I can't make head or tail of it.

MEL B: Anything goes these days. You just do what you want.

BRIAN: You know me, I'm a jazz man, and I'm telling you,

jazz is due for a comeback.

Brian, they've got this great song.

Do it for him, girls.

Nah, he's not interested.

Of course, he is. You are interested, aren't you, Brian?

Yes, you are. Come on. Sit down and shut up and listen.

'Cause we're gonna do it anyway.

Yeah, come on, let's do it. Ready?

One, two, three. Hit it!

* Yo, I'll tell you what I want

* What I really, really want

* So tell me what you want What you really, really want

* I'll tell you what I want What I really, really want

* So tell me what you want What you really, really want

* I wanna, I wanna, I wanna I wanna, I wanna

* Really, really, really wanna Zig-a-zig-ah

* If you want my future

* Forget my past

* If you wanna get with me

* Better make it fast

* Now don't go wasting

* My precious time

* Get your act together

* We could be just fine

* I'll tell you what I want What I really, really want

* So tell me what you want What you really, really want

* I wanna, I wanna, I wanna I wanna, I wanna

* Really, really, really wanna Zig-a-zig-ah

* If you wanna be my lover You gotta get with my friends

* Gotta get with my friends Make it last forever

* Friendship never ends

* If you wanna be my lover

* You have got to give

* Taking is too easy

* But that's the way it is

* If you wanna be my lover

* You gotta, you gotta You gotta, you gotta

* You gotta slam, slam Slam, slam

* Slam your body down and wind it all around

* Slam your body down And wind it all around

* Ha, ha, ha, ha

* Slam your body down And wind it all around

* Slam you body down And zig-a-zig-ah

* If you wanna be my lover

Well, not bad. Just needs a wee bit more jazz in there.

Oh!

I think it'll make the Top 20.

EMMA: It's great GERI: I love it!

* Viva forever

* I'll be waiting

* Everlasting

* Like the sun

* Live forever

* For the moment

It's so sad, isn't it?

That's what I was thinking.

We used to live in there. Now look at it.

Same as you.

These all seem like ages ago, don't it?

It just shows you,

you can't go back. Nothing's the same.

I wonder whatever did happen to Brian.

I know. We definitely owe him for a couple of coffees.

Yeah.

Come on, let's go and get some chips.

Yeah, and I'm not paying for coffees, I never had any.

Bacon butties for me.

MEL C: You don't care what you eat, do you? MEL B: No, I don't.

GERI: I wonder if we've changed a lot

since we've been famous.

-I don't think I have. -Nor have I.

I just think we worry about different things.

I mean, in the old days, it was,

"Where's our next meal coming from?"

And now it's, "Where's our next single going to?"

And like, "Is it all gonna be over soon?"

Melvin B, Emma.

Melvin C, Victoria, Geri.

You have been found guilty of releasing a single

that is by no means as kicking as your previous records.

Nor does it have such a wicked,

dirty, phat bass line.

You are sentenced to having your next record

enter the charts at number 179

before dropping straight out the following week.

Furthermore, you are sentenced to 20 years

of having to appear on cheesy chat shows in Taiwan,

talking about how you used to be famous.

And may God have mercy on your lip gloss.

Call Hootie and the Blowfish.

You know what's happened, don't you?

We just haven't got time for our friends anymore.

Like Nicola.

We're supposed to be godmothers to her baby.

We haven't even spent any time with her at all.

Why don't we take her out tonight?

Yeah, and go really mental!

Yeah!

Hang on. Hang on. We've got a show tomorrow.

What are we gonna do about that?

If Clifford finds out, we've been out all night,

he'll go berserk.

What are we waiting for?

ALL: Yeah! Come on!

MEL B: Come on, Vicky!

VICTORIA: I can't run in these heels!

Ah, thought I'd find you here.

Sorry, there's only room for one depressed personality in here.

Come on, Clifford. At least you're still alive.

That's the bit that depresses me.

Well, if it makes you feel any better,

I've got a degree in politics, philosophy and economics.

And I spend my entire life,

worrying about whether Mel C is wearing

the right Nike Air Max.

-By the way, did you sort them out? -Yes.

Mind you, I'd rather be us than the girls.

Fame is...

Fame is such a fickle thing.

So, what can I get you?

Gin and tonic, please.

Just a minute.

-Yes.

You know what happens now, don't you?

What's that?

We both sit here getting more and more self-pitying,

telling each other tragic tales of lost lovers,

and end up deadening the pain

by having a night of full-on bursting passion,

and end up completely ruining our professional relationship.

Well, I'm up for it, if you are.

BARTENDER: Time, ladies and gentlemen.

-Fine!

It's the last time I'll be going out for a while,

so I'm gonna enjoy it.

-I love this song! Yeah. -That's 'cause we wrote it!

Come on! Come on, let's go for a dance.

No, no, no. I'll watch you.

-Carry on. -Take care, Nicola.

See you later. Come on!

Whoo!

Could somebody please tell me

exactly what is the dress code here?

* The race is on To get out of the bottom

* The top is high So your roots are forgotten

* Giving is good As long as you're getting

* What's driving you It's ambition and betting

* I said ooh

* Who do you think you are

* Who do you think you are

* I said who

* Some kind of superstar

* You have just got to

* Swing it, shake it, Move it, make it

* Who do you think you are

* Trust it, use it, Prove it, groove it

* Show me how good you are

* Swing it, shake it, Move it, make it

* Who do you think you are

* Trust it, use it, Prove it, groove it

* Show me how good you are

* You're swelling out in the wrong direction

* You've got the bug Superstar, you've been bitten

* Your trumpet's blowing for far too long

* Playing the snake Of the ladder

* But you're wrong

* Ooh

Whoa!

Nicola!

* Who do you think you are

-Excuse me. -Excuse me. Sorry.

Oh, I think the contractions have started.

Maybe it's just something that you ate.

I don't remember swallowing a baby.

-It's tor an emergency. -The baby's coming.

-And, now, don't panic. -Don't panic!

-I'm not panicking.

Okay, think clearly, what do you do in an emergency?

-Call my mom! -Oh, yeah.

We need an ambulance.

I don't think there's gonna be enough time.

Okay, we don't need an ambulance!

Dennis! Dennis!

We've gotta get to the hospital!

Whoa! Hold your horses, Mel. What happened?

We're having a baby.

What! All of you?

-Just get there! -Come on! Come on!

Round them up, move them in and let's go.

We're gonna hit the trail!

-Ow! That was a contraction! -Cuddle.

Okay. Deep breathing, that's the thing.

Not you, Victoria! Her!

Right. Does anybody know how to deliver a baby?

Don't look at me.

-Don't worry, I know all about home delivery. -Yeah, right.

Well, I read it in a book.

Okay, the first thing to do is, um...

-Put your legs together. -Well, that's a bit late.

Should've done that nine months ago.

Don't make me laugh, please.

Do not make her laugh,

because it'll just shoot out like a cannonball.

No, seriously now,

what if the baby comes out right now?

It's not gonna go very far, is it?

I mean, look, she's still got her tights on.

Stay up there! We're not ready for you yet!

-MEL B: That's it! Push! -I am pushing!

Are you sure she should be pushing?

What else is she gonna do?

It I push anymore, I'll turn myself inside out!

-She's pushing!

-Not very.

She only had one gin and orange.

Just calm down, girls.

You're in for a long wait.

This is going to take a long time.

Oh, that's nice.

It's all right. We're here.

* Mama, I love you

* Ma...

That's catchy. Hmm.

Excuse me. Are you the Spice Girls?

Some of them.

-My son's banged his head. He's unconscious. -GIRLS: Oh!

I was wondering if you could talk to him,

try and wake him up.

Yeah. We can do that.

Sorry about this.

Malcolm, it's the Spice Girls that have come to talk to you.

Isn't that wonderful?

Hello, Malcolm, it's Geri.

I'm Melanie C.

And I'm Victoria, Malcolm!

Shh. Stop it.

MEL C: Well, what should we do now?

I don't know.

Maybe we should just talk to him.

Well, what are we gonna say?

Maybe you should take your top off, Geri.

GERI: Shut up!

It was just a joke.

Anyway, there's not much point. He's got his eyes shut.

Not now, he hasn't.

DEBORAH: Hi.

How are you feeling?

Bad. Where are the girls?

I don't know.

I have no idea.

How about trying to find out?

Come on! Chop-chop! Hurry it up!

It's amazing how much pain mothers have to go through.

I mean, no wonder my mom thinks I'm so ungrateful.

-I hear it's like passing a football. -Oh.

That's nothing. My mom said when she had me,

it was like passing a block of flats with balconies.

Hello? Hi, Deborah.

We're in hospital.

No, no. We're fine. It's Nicola.

She's having a baby.

-No, we can't leave her. -Oh!

Oh. Oh, no. I've got to go. Bye.

I can't believe it.

I cannot believe it.

They're waiting for a friend's baby?

It's called loyalty.

No, it's called insanity.

The whole world is waiting for their show,

and the girls aren't here.

They're doing it to spite me.

They're trying to make me crack.

But I won't.

I won't.

I spy with my bionic eyes,

something beginning with H.'

A hospital.

-Shut up, Geri.

I'm off duty now, Helen. Everything all right?

-Yeah, fine, thanks.

I'm going to see the Spice Girls show.

That'll be nice, Gladys.

Oh, I better get a move on.

See you all later.

-Hopefully.

Listen, this is silly.

Don't wait for me. You gotta go.

Nicola, we said we would stay, so we're gonna stay.

-I think this is it. -Yeah, it is.

-All right.

-Push down, Nicola. Very good.

Hi, Clifford.

I don't know what time we're gonna be there.

The world can wait. This is more important.

It's about friendship and commitment,

but you wouldn't know about that.

Yeah, I'll speak to you later. Bye.

It can't take this long to have a baby!

This is the '90s.

He's about to crack up at any moment.

The sense of tension, of impending doom, it's...

-Are you getting that sweat on his upper lip? -Sound running.

That's beautiful.

-Clifford, five minutes.

Have you got five minutes?

All right, seeing as there's nothing else going on around here. Fine!

-Graydon, fetch. -Come on.

Okay, here's the story. Right.

It's the girls' first live performance. They are...

It's only minutes until curtain up.

All hopes of the Spice Girls' live triumph

are surely dashed.

Oh, my God! It's coming out!

I think I'm gonna faint.

-No, you're not. -Slap me!

-Oh! -My God!

Is it a boy or a girl?

-It's a beetroot! -It's a girl!

GIRLS: Aw!

I'm telling you, with hands like that,

she'll might be a great goalie one day.

-You know, that is Girl Power.

-Oi -Oi, just...

I do believe he's got a camera.

-You're that reporter, aren't you? -Emergency!

-I don't believe you! -Get him, Melanie!

I'm late for the theater! The curtain's already gone up!

Ah!

-GRAYDON: He crashes to the ground.

And now the girls come face to face

with their tabloid tormentor.

The evil reporter has been unmasked,

and in that moment,

Damien's whole worthless life flashes before his eyes,

because the girls have made him realize

that he's been living a meaningless lie.

Do you know what, girls?

You've made me realize

I've been living a meaningless lie.

It's his character's one defining moment.

There isn't a dry seat in the house.

-I'm wet already. -I don't buy it.

One minute Damien is this big, threatening monster,

the next he's some weeping wimp.

That's the power of Girl Power, man.

-No.

Damien goes after the really big evil boss, McMaxford.

-Girls, they've gotta

get to Albert Hall, right?

I mean, they've been at the hospital for 12 hours.

-Hello! -He's not here!

I don't believe it.

Just when you need him, as well.

Now, it's a race against time.

-Oh, so there's gonna be a chase? -Those are the rules.

Out of the way, girls.

-Fasten your seat belts.

Hey! That's my bus!

VICTORIA: What are you doing?

Get out of the way!

Get out of the way!

Come on! What are you doing?

What's the matter? Are you blind?

-Put your foot down!

Sunday drivers! It's only Saturday.

GRAYDON: Now the Spice bus is racing across London,

through Trafalgar Square.

Pigeons are flying up.

Guys are diving into fountains!

And as it zooms down, past Buckingham Palace,

Prince William is there. He is looking out through a curtain.

And he turns to the Queen. The Queen, man!

And says, "Oi, Granny, look!

"It's the Spice Girls!

"They're on telly in a minute!"

And the Queen says, "Oh, you're right.

"Isn't that the posh one driving?"

-Look, there's the Queen! -Hi, William!

-Hi, Charlie. -Hello, Harry.

-And then suddenly they're on top of the bus.

The rules!

-Yeah, the rules. And...

There they are, standing together

in gale force winds,

holding on for dear life.

Emma slips, but Geri grabs her.

But then Geri slips.

Mel B grabs her, but then she slips, so Mel C grabs her!

Is that four? That's four. Oh, no!

There's one driving. Right. So, anyway.

They're standing on top of the bus,

whiplashing back and forth about to be turned into

Spice Jam!

-Oh, my God!

Two old nuns in miniMetro pull up

-right in front of them!

The braking tumbles the girls back inside the bus.

That was close.

-Oh, great! -Victoria!

Sorry!

Now they're coming to the Tower Bridge.

ANNOUNCER: Attention, please. Your Attention, please.

The bridge will shortly be lifted.

The road is rising in front of them

to let a boat through!

The bridge is going up!

They can't believe it!

Oh, my God! I don't believe it!

Are they crazy enough to try and jump the gap?

Hold on to your knickers, girls!

Hey, baby!

These are the Spice Girls!

-Of course, they're gonna go for it! -Yeah!

Up it goes.

A five ton London bus

sailing through the air at 70 miles an hour.

-It's incredible! -It's expensive.

Not necessarily.

But then, just when you think they're safe,

they discover the bomb.

What bomb?

That bomb.

-Those are the rules.

My, god, I've had enough of the rules!

Are you trying to kill them?

Stop it! No more. They've suffered enough!

-Please! -All right. All right!

All right, they...

They run up to the Albert Hall up the steps.

And then they hurtle down the corridor,

and burst through that door right there.

CROWD: Spice Girls!

-You lied to me!

Now, now. Hey, now.

Hey, that's enough of that!

-Come on now!

I'll rewrite it.

CROWD: Spice Girls! Spice Girls!

-Let's go! -Quick! Quick! We're late!

-Oh, no! -Coppers.

Just stay calm. It'll be all right.

Is there a problem,

BOTH: Officer?

Dangerous driving, criminal damage.

Flying a bus without a license.

And frightening the pigeons.

CROWD: Spice Girls! Spice Girls!

-Go on, Emma, go.

I'm really sorry, officer,

but the thing was we were late for a show,

so we were in a hurry.

We didn't hurt anybody, and we're just really sorry.

We promise never, ever to do it again.

CROWD: Spice Girls! Spice Girls!

-No. No.

What's the matter with him?

It's the very essence of documentary.

Silence. Silence.

This is marvelous.

Okay.

So this is the plan.

The band starts up.

The fans go wild.

The lights come on,

and I walk center stage,

and hang myself.

By the way, this is my good side.

My final words are,

The Spice Girls...

-I hate them! -GIRLS: Hey!

What are you doing sitting around?

We've got a show to do.

-Let's do it!

Where are the clothes?

And where are the bacon butties

-I love those girls. -Great.

I love those girls!

Ah, well, that's ruined a perfectly good ending

to this documentary.

CROWD: Spice Girls! Spice Girls!

Everything's under control, Chief.

Then let us enjoy this triumph while we can.

Before the hounds of catastrophe break free

of their shackles.

And slobber chaos all over our faces

-once again.

-Ciao, Chief.

Does it matter? Look.

You know that thing you do

when you've been really horrible to someone

and you want to make it all right again?

-Yeah. -And you have to, you know, say stuff.

-That's the one.

Well, I want to do that.

You want to apologize?

Right. So, what do you think?

Do we still have a professional relationship?

Of course, we do. Why ever not?

Just a minute.

I love you.

Yeah?

-Let's go crazy now, the marvelous Spice Girls!

Gonna make this movie? Have we got a deal?

We've got a deal. Yes!

* La la la la la

* La la la la la

* La la la la la

* La la la la la

* La la la la la

* La la la la la

* La la la la la

* La la la la la

* When you're feeling

* Sad and low

* We will take you

* Where you gotta go

* Smiling, dancing

* Everything is free

* All you need is positivity

* Colors of the world Spice up your life

* Every boy and every girl Spice up your life

* People everywhere Spice up your life

* Ahhh

* Slam it to the left If you're having a good time

* Shake it to the right If you know that you feel fine

* Chicas to the front Ha ha, go round

* Slam it to the left If you're having a good time

* Shake it to the right If you know that you feel fine

* Chicas to the front Ha ha go round

* Hi ci ya Hold tight

* La la la la la

* La la la la la

* La la la la la

* La la la la la

* La la la la la

* La la la la la

* Yellow man in Timbuktu

* Color for both me and you

* Kung Fu fighting Dancing Queen

* Travel spaceman

* And all that's in between

* Colors of the world Spice up your life

* Every boy and every girl Spice up your life

* People of the world Spice up your life

* Ahhh

* Slam it to the left If you're having a good time

* Shake it to the right If you know that you feel fine

* Chicas to the front Ha ha, go round

* Slam it to the left If you're having a good time

* Shake it to the right If you know that you feel fine

* Chicas to the front Ha, ha

* Hi ci ya Hold tight

* Flamenco Lambada

* But Hip hop is harder We moon walk the foxtrot

* Then polka The salsa

* Shake it, Shake it Shake it, Haka

* Shake it, Shake it Shake it, Haka

* Colors of the world Spice up your life

* Every boy and every girl Spice up your life

* People of the world Spice up your life

* Ahhh

* Slam it to the left If you're having a good time

* Shake it to the right If you know that you feel fine

* Chicas to the front Ha, ha, go round

* Slam it to the left If you're having a good time

* Shake it to the right If you know that you feel fine

* Chicas to the front Ha ha

* Hi ci ya Hold tight

* Slam it to the left If you're having a good time

* Shake it to the right If you know that you feel fine

* Chicas to the front Ha ha, go round

* Slam it to the left If you're having a good time

* Shake it to the right If you know that you feel fine

* Chicas to the front Ha ha

* Hi ci ya Hold tight *

Well, I'm worried about my character,

like, you know, it's unreal. Do you know what I mean like?

I mean, I know, I'm supposed to be the baddie,

But why do I hate the Spice Girls?

There's no reason. Do you know what I mean?

He's a caricature sort of.

Sort of this evil, grotesque symbol

about how power corrupts and perverts, you know?

Yeah, but why can't I have a softer side.

The kids are gonna start hating me,

start attacking me in the street, like.

Look, as an artist, a good kicking

could be the highest compliment you'll ever get.

Oh, they want me to play their road manager.

Well, I'm on a mobile phone getting angry all the time.

I don't want to end my career.

Fat, or stupid or lazy.

That's all I get offered, Alan.

The sort of character people are ignoring.

Okay. They want me to lose my Scottish accent.

That's fine, doing a silly accent. But the chest wig.

-This comedy chest wig.

-Hi, Mel. -Hello.

-Hi, Mel.

I've gotta wear this chest wig.

-I'm Mel C.

Well, just call me Sporty. It's all right.

BOTH: All right, sweetheart.

That's that saying from the film you did.

-That was really good. What was it called? -Um...

-That was brilliant. -Oh, I've forgotten,

but you were really good in it.

I think we'd all like to say

-a big thank you for being in this. -Yeah.

We needed a serious actress like you in this movie

to give it some depth.

But we didn't want it, you know, to be...

Superficial.

ALL: Yeah.

Could I ask about my chest wig? 'Cause they want me to wear this...

Graydon!

Can I speak to you about our characters, please?

Yeah, because I was thinking, in one scene,

I'd like to be really, really angry,

-and maybe slap someone like...

-Like Victoria.

-Emma.

Oh, yeah. And you know what?

I don't wanna be on an exercise bike all the time.

-Yeah.

I've got this thing, I've got this catch phrase

that I'd really like to say.

I'd go up to somebody and I'd go,

"I'm not from London, you know!"

'Cause you really are from London, right?

I get the joke. I got it, okay?

Does he not know that I'm from Leeds?

Oi, you lot, someone's watching us.

Oh, yeah.

Look at all those people in there.

ALL: Hi! Hello!

Look at them two snogging at the back there.

I bet you didn't see any of our film, did you?

And look where your hand is.

Go on! Go on!

Look at the mess they've made with the popcorn.

That's what I do.

You know what I always wonder?

Why people sit there at the end of the film,

and watch the credits go up?

It's probably the sad anticlimax.

It's all over. Back to reality.

-That's it. -I know where

they're gonna go.

They're gonna go down the pub,

and then they're gonna go to the chippy.

-Yeah. -Hey, you.

No, not you. Behind you. Yeah, I like your dress.

-C&A, mate.

Do you know what? Some people

are watching this on video.

Is there nothing on telly, then?

Yeah, but you know what they're wondering now,

don't you?

-What happened to the bomb on the bus?

* Elvis was

* A cool shaker

* Marley, Ziggy

* Melody makers

* She's a Bond babe Kick some ass

* Dr. No This girl's got class

* Charlie's Angels Girls on top

* Handbags, heels Their pistols rock

* Baby Love So glam queen

* Sing the blues A love supreme

* Sixties Twiggy Set the pace

* Way back then She had the face

* That's all in the past

* Legends built to last

* But she's got something new

* She's a power girl

* In a '90s world

* And she knows just what

* To do

* 'Cause the lady is vamp She's a vixen, not a tramp

* She's a da da da da da da

* Come on, fellas Place your bets

* 'Cause you ain't seen Nothin' yet

* She's the talk of the town She's the best, yes

* Jackie O

* We loved her so

* So did Mr. President

* As far as we know

* Norma Jean had a seven-year itch

* Some like it hot To a fever pitch

* Sandy, Danny Summer love

* Pink Ladies, T-Birds, The moon above

* That's all in the past

* Legends built to last

* But she's got something new

* She's a power girl

* In a '90s world

* She's a down town Swinging

* Dude

* 'Cause the lady is a vamp She's a vixen not a tramp

* She's a da da da da da da

* Come on, fellas Place your bets

* 'Cause you ain't seen Nothing yet

* She's the talk of the town She's the best, yes

* Scary, Baby, Ginger

* Ginger, Posh

* Sporty, yes

* Now that's your lot

* We're the Spice Girls

* Ready to go

* Ladies and gents Can you please take your seats

* And we hope That you enjoyed

* The show

* Thank you very much