Original subtitles

Hello.

Oh!

Hello.

Hi, I'm here to take the test.

- You want to take the Mensa test? - Yes.

You?

Me, yes. Anyone can, can't they?

£40, please.

To be accepted into Mensa,

you have to qualify in the top two percentile of IQ in the country.

Starts in five minutes.

Fill in this form and head through there.

After the Major's performance that second night,

you told police you heard the Ingrams arguing.

Yes. I remember it very clearly.

After all, it was so, like, odd.

I mean, you'd be happy, wouldn't you,

if you'd just become millionaires?

No, I'm sorry, but it's just so obvious, the signals!

- We'll talk later! - Well, that's what I heard.

I reckon, I know you haven't asked,

but I reckon the plan was for him to stop a few questions earlier.

So there wouldn't be so much, um, attention.

But he couldn't help himself.

And she might have been annoyed at him.

Because... well, look where we are.

The memory's a funny thing, isn't it?

An incredible feat of engineering.

It sits inside the medial temporal lobe.

And its most impressive function is its filing system.

It's better than anything a super computer could do.

Another of my favourite facts,

given that that's what this trial is all about,

right answers, wrong answers.

Knowledge.

Truth is that when we're remembering something...

...we're not actually recalling the original event.

What we're doing is remembering the last time we remembered it.

So we are constantly wiping our pasts

and editing together a new one.

One that can make sense to us now, in the present.

All memories are therefore, by definition...

...a lie. They change. We change them.

Which isn't a crime, a conspiracy. Just...

...human nature.

We can project guilt, say,

back onto an event that was in fact perfectly innocent.

I'm sorry, but it's really bad. The signal's, um...

We'll talk later!

I am asking you all to try and resist

a more entertaining falsehood

in favour of a less extraordinary truth.

That Major Ingram simply knew the answers to those questions.

And that's why he got them right.

OK, let's go.

Diana?

We should tell you, we have taken in two other parties for questioning.

Your brother, Mrs Ingram,

and another contestant in the studio.

Another conte...? Why? Who?

Here's a transcript of your appearance, provided by Celador.

It shows, quite clearly, moments where a cough can be heard,

and then you, Charles, choosing a different answer.

Why did you change your mind so often?

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm ju...

I'm just sort of hovering above all this looking down,

seeing how absurd it all is. It's a game show.

This isn't a laughing matter, Major Ingram, it's a million pounds.

- Your change of answer? - Have you ever seen the show?

That's what makes the show, that's what the audience want to watch,

that's what the producers want. It's the... the, um...

- the... the... the... - Tension.

- ...drama. The tension. Exactly. - Mrs Ingram.

The book you're writing with Adrian details ways of,

at the very least, bending the rules or in some cases circumventing...

Improving your chances, that's all.

I have to say, and please don't take offence,

it wasn't the most gripping read of my life.

Well, it's not for people who...

Do you know, I do take some offence, actually.

Presumably you've benefitted from this manual, Charles?

I haven't, I haven't read...

I haven't actually got through it yet.

Do you know who Tecwen Whittock is?

No.

You have no idea your wife telephoned this man

on several occasions, including the night before

and the morning of your second appearance on the show,

- at which he was also present? - He's just a man, a fan of the show.

Who just happened to be a Fastest Finger First contestant

on the same show?

A show where coughing was heard

on occasions that correlate with moments that you, Charles,

changed your mind?

How long has this relationship with...

It's not a relationship! It was...

...contact with someone who under...

Who was just a fan of the show.

And I know you might think that's stupid or boring or silly,

but I don't care. It's not bloody illegal, is it?

We just...

We just liked something a lot for a bit. That's all.

Oh, my God.

Can you park as close as you can, please?

Diana.

- Were you cheating? - Did you cheat?

Diana? Di...

Can you step away from the house, please?

I'm not... I'm not sure where the law is on this, but I don't...

Cheat! Cheat!

Get away from the house, please.

How they even got here, I mean, who told them?

It's a nightmare. This is a nightmare, isn't it?

I mean, they... They actually think we did it, don't they?

They're looking at all the pieces and putting them together like a...

You know, like that man that you... you called, right?

On your phone. Oh, my God, on the night of the show!

I mean, they have that on record.

I don't "know him" know him, Charles.

What they were suggesting, implying.

I've never spent any actual time with him. Adrian did.

Oh, Adrian! Of course! It's Adrian, always!

You follow the smoke and you follow the sound of screams

and there he is, and there you are, in your little... little...

- What? What? - ..family thing.

And I didn't even want to go on the bloody show!

I just got... sucked into it.

Why didn't you tell me you were... having conversations with him?

I thought you were chatting with him. I thought it was just...

It was just a phone call. They don't know what we were talking about.

It could have been anything.

All right, let's try this, OK? I'm the prosecuting lawyer, right?

And I'm asking you, "Mrs Ingram, this man,

"who your husband had barely any idea

"of the extent of the contact you had with him,

"what did you speak about that night?"

I'd just say that we were both in groups of fans,

and he was on the show the next day, so why wouldn't I call him?

Because it's about perception, Diana.

- It's about how it looks. - And how does it look?

What are you saying, and why are you saying it like that?

Because I'm angry! I'm angry!

And not saying it, it's the bloody policeman who's saying it.

Saying it right...

Saying it right in front of me.

And in front of the other...

...in front of the other policeman. My...

That my wife...

I mean, have you... Do you have any idea how that feels?

What they were implying and suggesting?

Are you asking me if I...?

Yeah, why not? I mean, you love questions.

Well, there are some things...

There are some questions you should just know the answer to.

- Major Ingram, Mrs Ingram. - Oh... How did you guess?

Oh, I don't need to guess, your faces are in all the papers.

Come in. Come in.

Now, do you want a tea, coffee? Vodka?

I was kidding.

Unless of course you do, in which case, I wouldn't judge.

Um, you were recommended to us by Philip Jones in Reading.

But we... we never thought a high-profile barrister

would touch our case with a barge pole, because... Well, given that...

Oh, given that your trial's already begun in the papers.

- Yeah. - And the press.

Yes, well, if I represent you,

we're gonna have to fight this sort of thing every step of the way.

- It's new state of play. - What's the new state of play?

Justice as entertainment.

How the police communicate with the press.

How the press communicate with the police.

I don't suppose you think it was a coincidence

that reporters were there only minutes after you were charged?

Following your, er, did I get this right?

The "dawn raid" on your property?

It's a form of arrest

that's normally associated with murderers and paedophiles.

The narrative of your guilt is already being written

by forces far beyond your control.

Now, I would be happy to represent you if you want,

because, and forgive the presumption,

I have already started looking into your case in some detail and...

...Major Ingram, Mrs Ingram...

I think something here really stinks.

Secrets To Help You Win At Millionaire, by Diana Ingram.

The things we missed. We pull on this one tiny thread

and what unravels is a whole bloody world of...

- God, we were stupid. - Not stupid, trusting. That's all.

Liddiment says he never wants to see another "effing middle-class wanker"

on the show ever again.

What are they doing?

Parents verses kids at physical and mental agility games.

That's the worst idea I've ever heard.

It's new ideas.

Well, Millionaire won't last forever.

Well, we're on the front page of every newspaper in the world.

It might.

An Army Major, his wife, and a college lecturer

have gone on trial...

The production staff became suspicious after they noticed

his answers appeared to follow coughs from another contestant.

Oh, hello. I believe we're charged with co-conspiracy.

It's nice to meet you both... at last.

- Snacks? Really? - Yeah, why not?

God, I love a good ITV courtroom drama.

Where's Paul?

So, 19 coughs that coincide with the Major changing his mind

or deciding to answer.

All picked up by your mics, and coming from... where?

Er, they were coming from the Fastest Finger seats.

Where Mr Whittock was sat.

The man whom Diana Ingram spoke to the previous evening.

Paying particular attention now to cough number 14, then.

"Who had a hit UK album with Born To Do It, released in 2000?

"Coldplay. Toploader. A1. Craig David".

In case you don't know, I certainly didn't, the answer's Craig David.

Ingram:

"I think it's A1..."

But it could be Toploader.

Which is also something to do with a barrel on a rifle.

"I've never heard of Craig David."

And take us through what we can see here.

Yeah, she appears to be looking over to the Fastest Finger First seat

where Mr Whittock is.

Diana Ingram, here. Looking over at Tecwen Whittock, here.

Any coughing at this point?

No, that's, that's part of the problem, see, Mr Whittock,

or whoever has been coughing, isn't coughing at this point.

Perhaps, given pop culture tends not to be a strongest of category for,

um, these kinds of people, er, maybe he doesn't know the answer.

Meanwhile, Ingram is all set to plump for the wrong answer.

I think I'm gonna go with A1.

And pause.

Mrs Ingram looks up in that direction

several times at this point.

What's up there?

So we have these monitors facing the audience,

so they can watch what the cameras are recording.

Which means presumably those monitors occasionally display

Mrs Ingram being filmed? She can see when she herself is on camera?

Yes. Although that's only when the mixer cuts to her for the monitors.

She's always being filmed. Hence why we have this footage of her.

Ah, so,

would someone not au fait with the inner workings of television editing

perhaps assume that when they are not on the monitors above them,

they are not being filmed?

After all, here we have Diana Ingram,

her husband hovering over the wrong answer,

looking at Tecwen Whittock,

who isn't coughing on the correct answer,

checking the monitors to see if she is being filmed,

before this happens.

Now, is this the first and only time that Diana Ingram coughed?

Yes.

At a moment when the phantom cougher is no longer "helping".

Regardless, moments later, the Major reverses his position.

You know, when I'm at home, um, and I'm practising,

you know, I guess... I guess wrong 80% of the time.

So...

I think I'm gonna go with Craig David.

And if that wasn't exactly subtle - watch this. The piece de resistance!

For £500,000...

"Baron Haussmann is best known for his planning of which city?

- I think it's Berlin. - No.

Your interpretation of that, Mr Duff?

There is no interpretation.

Someone says "no" on the wrong answer.

Thank you. Mrs Woodley will now ask you some questions for the defence.

- Hello, Kevin. - Hi.

That tape we were watching.

It was given the name Tape G?

So presumably there were other tapes, earlier tapes.

A, B, C, D, E, F...?

Er, yeah, sure, as we kept finding new evidence with the police.

So help us understand what we were watching.

That was edited together by yourself?

The plaintiffs. Celador.

Not the police, not an independent body?

Well, we've had to find a way to show the police,

and then you, what, you know... what happened.

Thank you, Mr Duff.

Mr Whitehurst.

You were a Fastest Finger First contestant on the Major's show.

And yet you were the only one who didn't stand to applaud when he won.

Why?

I'd spotted what was going on. I knew all of the answers, you see.

And on the millionaire question, and as soon as Ingram said "googol",

I knew it was "googol",

I had Whittock in my eye and I said, "Don't you dare," and he did.

He coughed.

Plain as day. No question.

Mr Whitehurst.

You didn't formally raise your suspicions

until after you'd read the story in the press.

And then when you wrote to the producers,

but received no reply, you went to the press yourself.

I thought it... important.

If I was the only one who'd spotted Mr Whittock coughing.

You said it was as plain as day, no question.

But in your original statement you said,

"It is possible that what I saw

"was just an amazing set of coincidences,"

and that, "The possibility remains

"that I witnessed no criminal behaviour"

What changed since then to make you so absolutely certain here today?

Watch the tape! I'm sat not clapping.

Why, if I didn't know?

Because Fastest Finger First contestants share a grievance,

don't they, quite often, in the bar after the show?

About the behaviour of a certain kind of contestant in the chair?

- What do you mean, sorry? - Talkers.

People who take forever to answer a question.

Thereby denying you the chance of getting into the seat yourself?

Might that not have created

a certain kind of arms-folded annoyance?

I object to that, Your Honour.

Okeydokey. Withdrawn. No further questions.

In the days leading up to the show,

Mrs Ingram engaged in a peculiar pattern of phone calls

to four particular numbers, in rotation.

It turns out these were phone pagers.

We consider this to be the way they may have tried to cheat

on that first night.

The pagers could have been strapped to parts of the Major's body.

Buzz the left leg for A, the right leg for B, and so on.

But Mrs Ingram couldn't be calling pagers on the night,

she was on camera in the audience.

No. But there was someone else in the studio that night.

So that...

Excuse me.

So what you are saying is that plan failed

because Mr Pollock was unable to call on his phone.

Explaining, perhaps, why the Major didn't do well on night one.

And yet, on night two, he came back a genius.

The night Mr Whittock was there with his tickly cough.

What's the normal procedure when investigating a more,

I suppose, self-evident crime?

Say, where there is a body at the scene, and a murder weapon present.

Well, you establish the cause of death,

bag up the weapon as evidence to test for fingerprints.

So at what point here did you "bag up" the evidence.

In this case, a tape recording. Did you seize it straight away?

Well, no. The, er, the show kept the tape, because...

well, to use your metaphor,

they needed to add the fingerprints to it.

Not add them, I mean find them.

The coughs.

So you allowed the murder weapon

to stay with those making the accusation of murder?

I object. What is being suggested here?

Some kind of conspiracy?

Not conspiracy, merely that the sequence

in which the evidence was gathered in this unusual case was not normal.

Normally when a crime is committed,

the evidence is gathered from the scene,

and the police investigate to find the culprits.

But in this instance, you began with the alleged culprits,

who everyone told you were oddballs...

...based on a feeling.

And then worked backwards...

I must call for quiet.

Everyone who has a cough, please go outside.

DS Ferguson? Is that...?

Members of the jury, please!

If I may be allowed to finish...

Order! Order!

Or I shall...

...I shall have to suspend the session.

I'm sorry. It's just the pantomime of it all.

I'm embarrassed sometimes, really am.

No. Ignore it. We do.

It's not going that well, is it?

It's all right. A game of two halves.

Wait till we get a chance to fight back.

People are laughing at us. I really don't know what's worse,

people thinking we're criminals or idiots.

There are worse things to be accused of.

Let me ask you this, then. Why haven't you even mentioned that?

Hm? Your sodding badge, you think I hadn't noticed?

You've got the press screaming questions at you day in, day out,

which our opponents are happily answering to guide the narra...

I don't want to boast about it, do I?

I don't... It's there, for all to see. I do it for my...

for myself, as much as anything else.

Yes, all right, hilarious, coughing!

You get the Nobel Prize for... comedy.

I don't actually think there is a...

Nobel Prize for comedy, yes, thank you.

Right.

Come on.

Mummy and Daddy finished early today,

so we decided we'd pick you up instead of Grandad.

That's nice, isn't it?

We thought maybe we'd have pizzas tonight, yum.

Who are they? Are they friends of yours?

Not any more.

It's going to be all right. I promise.

Some silly people just think

Mummy and Daddy did that silly thing, that's all.

Well, did you?

We might need to consider taking them out of school for a bit maybe.

I don't know, it's..

Then again, if the worst happens...

...we might need to make plans for, er...

...for prison. Then we need to think...

- Adrian. - Oh, leave it. Please. Leave...

- Hello? - Hey. Hi. You OK?

I just wanted to say hello, really.

- I'm fine. Can I call you... - It's just a quick thing, really.

Er, cos the publisher's been on at me, you know. Again...

And, er, look, if you do get off, and you never know, then...

I'm in court every day, Adrian, I can't think about the book.

OK, OK, OK, I know. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I know.

- Let's just talk tomorrow. - No, just stop, just stop.

I just need some space, please. Enough.

Um, can I... Can I bring you a cup of tea?

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry, Charles.

No. No, no, no. No, don't do that.

Don't do that.

Thanks, but no. It's all right.

It's both of us in this together.

That stupid show!

Are we going to go to jail?

No.

I don't know.

But I know that I love you.

No... No asking the audience, or phoning a friend, I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

Mr Tarrant! Mr Tarrant!

I swear by almighty God that the evidence I shall give

shall be the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

Mr Tarrant, a pleasure to have you here today.

Well, it's a pleas...

Well, it's not a pleasure, but thank you.

How would you rate the Major's performance on that first night?

Has anyone done worse? Has anyone, say, got the first question wrong?

Uh, no. not here. Think someone did once in America.

And when you saw the tapes yourself,

you began to think that something was amiss.

- If pushed, sure. - Is that your final answer?

Mr, Tarrant, what information or guidance do you get

when you're in the chair?

Do you wear an earpiece, are you hooked up to the show relay?

Er, no, no. No earpiece, I find them really annoying.

Er, so I'm out there completely alone. Er, just me...

and the contestant.

I don't know the questions in advance, no-one does.

They're selected by a computer, which is secured in a sealed room,

where only two senior producers are allowed access at any one time.

For each contestant, it generates a random stack of 15 questions,

that could then be locked.

They're not written on cards that can be lost, or stolen.

And, er, I don't know the answers till the contestant says

"final answer" and my screen locks.

So I can't give away any hints or accidental signs.

Right, so, just for the record, on the night,

did you hear any suspicious coughing behind Mr Ingram?

No, I didn't.

Did you notice anything suspicious at all?

No.

Thank you, Mr Tarrant.

"Tarrant was unaware of strategic coughing in quiz."

Well, that's not very helpful, is it?

Well, it's Chris, he'll say what he likes.

Well, what would you know anyway? You've not even been at the trial.

I don't know why, your mind is always there.

Well, to be honest, the whole thing is one long,

pretty bloody stressful pain in the arse, I just want it done.

What do you think about a documentary? Once the trial's over?

Oh, Jesus.

Looks like I don't have a choice.

OK, and so, um, we thought a new school for a bit,

might take the pressure off.

Urgh! What's that?

OK, girls, upstairs, now.

Buffy! Oh, my God!

She'll be OK.

- What happened? - I think somebody accidentally...

...caught him at the front of the house with a pellet gun

or an air rifle. Accidently.

Is that that coughing Millionaire dude?

Oh, yeah, very good. Very funny. All right, all right.

Oi!

- How dare you! How dare you! - Hey, hold on.

Do you make a habit of spitting at people?

- You can back off as well. - Oi!

- He just spat in my face! - Leave him.

Seen it before.

They go after military men, it's good sport.

Even when we're engaged in the most, heavens,

difficult operations in a generation.

This chap. Information minister of Iraq.

Becoming an actual TV star,

making the most outrageous assertions about there being

no allied tanks outside Baghdad at all.

Say something loud enough, long enough,

maybe it becomes de facto true.

Yeah. Weapons of mass destruction hidden in the desert.

Yes, all right, Charles, come along.

The thinking is... maybe take some time off.

Try to keep your head down, you know. Yes?

Yes, yeah.

Yes, of course, yeah. Very, um... Very sensible.

- Sorry, sir. Sorry. - No, no, no. It's all right.

You're... You're all right.

Never fear. It's our turn now.

Come on. It's time to turn this thing around.

Thank you.

Professor Alyn Morice, specialist in Respiratory Medicine.

An expert on coughing, then.

- You've examined Mr Whittock? - Yes.

He suffers from three conditions that cause chronic coughing.

He tested positive for perennial rhinitis, hay fever,

and cough variant asthma.

So, for the avoidance of doubt... Mr Whittock has a cough.

Yes, and one that would be hard to hide in a hot and dry studio.

So hang on, Mr Whittock is basically unable to control his cough?

I mean, that's sort of extraordinary, isn't it?

That Ingram should choose, as a candidate

to implement an intricate plan of coughing discreetly

but precisely at specific times and places,

a man with an uncontrollable cough?

- Yes, I suppose it's not ideal. - Thank you, Professor Morice.

No questions, Your Honour.

Mr Whittock. Who Wants To Be A Millionaire

wasn't the first show you appeared on, was it?

Um. No, I've, I've been on... er, let me see,

Fifteen To One, Sale Of The Century.

And is it fair to say you've never done astronomically well?

- I do OK. - What's the most you've ever won?

Oh, I did win a doggy bed made of silk on Brain Of Britain.

And on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?

1,000.

Were you part of what might be loosely termed this quiz community?

I enjoyed having a connection to people of a shared interest, yes.

Now, you didn't have the easiest of upbringings, did you?

You were born in a psychiatric hospital,

where your mother was a patient.

Raised in foster homes.

And yet despite all that, you became a teacher.

And you have a family of your own now, too.

Yes. Yes.

Would you risk all that?

Are you the third mastermind

in a conspiracy to steal a million pounds, Mr Whittock?

I would never do anything like that.

I would never cheat.

It's you.

- You tricked me. - No, it's not what you think.

- I just wanted to meet, all right? - It's not illegal, what we do.

- I know. - Those were your weaknesses,

your vulnerabilities that you left in your own system.

I'm not trying to trap you.

Please, come, come and have a drink. I tip my hat to you, you beat us.

I just... I want to know how far you got.

Well, if it's any consolation, we've started to move on to other shows,

other prizes now. And I'm... I'm thinking of retiring.

You know, putting a time limit on answering the call backs?

That was... Well done, that really knocked us for six.

- Thank you. - Fair play.

We realised you were pulling your new "closest-to" questions

from the National Statistics database. So we did, too.

Populations, travel, economic forecasts,

births, deaths and marriages.

And if I only had seven seconds now to find the answer for my client,

then, well, I just had to train.

Two months of my life, I didn't leave the house.

And from now on, if a client would get a call back at home,

they'd just hold up their mobile so I could hear.

And we did it, I got there.

Seven seconds, and I could find the right fact in the right place

and relay it back to them over the phone.

How... How many people did you get into my chair?

I'd say... hundreds.

Hu...

Hundreds?

If you really wanna know how well we penetrated your fortress,

I worked out how much prize money you've given away

throughout the run of the show.

And how much of that was won by our organisation.

It's at least 10%.

One pound, in every ten...

- was you? - Sorry.

Why are you retiring?

Well, in truth, it's an expensive outfit to run

and it only returns value if you've got the clients,

and those clients are drying up.

People who devote themselves to the acquirement of knowledge.

In order to cheat for money.

You might think me a chancer, Mr Smith,

but I see which way the wind blows.

Google?

For the quizzing fraternity,

we're the artisan weavers and Google's the power loom.

Yeah. The bottom's falling out of the truth market, Mr Smith.

So, I'm cashing in my shares and getting out.

You might want to consider doing the same.

Oh, maybe I will.

Once these particular clients of yours are in jail.

Oh, those two? They weren't clients.

- But... - There were hundreds of us, Paul,

everywhere, without you realising it.

But Charles and Diana Ingram were never one of ours.

They were never ours.

Mrs Ingram.

What is it about quizzes that so captivated you?

- Captivates you still? - I don't know.

I suppose I like the idea, in a world of uncertainties,

that... that something can be known.

Calling the four pagers over and over.

Your explanation for that?

Adrian. My brother.

It was just our way of keeping in touch after he left.

And I never knew which one had battery,

so I'd always call all four.

I wanted let him know that Charles had got on to the show.

And presumably that's why he turned up at the studio later that night?

He was as big a fan as you. Bigger?

The calls you tried to make outside, on that first night?

Were to our father.

He's a bigger quiz fan than any of us.

And he regretted so badly that he was too weak to come.

Now, the quizzing community have their own theory about the show,

- haven't they? - Oh, yes, well we think, thought,

the producers were trying to keep people like us off the show.

Not entertaining enough.

So we called it being "chair-wise".

Er, performing for the camera

so you might get easier questions and they'd keep you there longer.

I object to that, Your Honour.

As Chris Tarrant himself explained,

the questions are locked from the very beginning by computer.

The point is, Your Honour,

it doesn't matter if the theory is nonsense or not.

My client thought it was true.

Now, the prosecution has made a lot of your "suspicious behaviour".

Were you looking at the monitors to check if you were being watched?

No.

They deliberately seat you so you're facing the back of your partner.

And so the monitor is the only way to see them.

You wanted to look at the face of the man you love.

You helped him prepare, didn't you?

- Right, you need to trust me, OK? - Yes, ma'am, dib-dib, dob-dob.

You need to learn to be more entertaining.

Questions are becoming more populist. Popular culture.

Adrian says it's a form of censorship,

to get people like you off quicker.

Which means we'll need to bone up on that, too, your weakest area.

- Sports, soaps, pop. - Oh, hells bells.

Oh, it's just training manoeuvres. Getting fit.

I believe in you.

It's Steps. No, Sugababes.

No, no, no it's Steps. Steps.

- Sugababes. - Sugababes.

♪ I'll be there... ♪

- OK, so who's that? - Mr Blobby.

- No, Charles. - I don't know. I don't know.

How am I supposed to know that?

In Emmerdale, how did the following characters die?

- Alex Oakwell. - Fell off a roof.

- Butch Dingle. - Hit by a bus.

- Rachel Hughes. - She, er, was pushed off a cliff.

- Elizabeth Pollard. - A plane landed on top of her.

- Yes! - Yes!

I know who you are, the next time I see you...

Oh, it's gone.

...I'm gonna tan your backside. - Don't tell me. Don't tell me.

- Um... - You hear me?

In the song Seven Days, what did Craig David do on Tuesday?

- He took her for a drink. - And on Wednesday?

I believe they were making love by then,

and they continued to do so

throughout Thursday and Friday as well.

- And then on Sunday? - They just chilled.

Right!

There may be trouble ahead,

but while there's moonlight and music and love and romance...

♪ Let's face the music and dance! ♪

- ♪ Who wants to be a millionaire? - I don't!

- ♪ Have flashy flunkies everywhere? - I don't!

♪ Who wants the bother Of a country estate?

♪ A country estate Is something I'd hate

- ♪ Who wants to wallow in champagne? - I don't!

- ♪ Who wants a supersonic plane? - I don't!

♪ Who wants A marble swimming pool too?

I don't!

♪ And I don't Cos all I want is you. ♪

If that's true, all this training, why didn't it work?

You forgot who Craig David was!

I guess... it just wouldn't go in.

Everyone always said, "Why did you...

"Why did you struggle on the easy questions

"and sail through the hard ones?" And, um...

Well, the easy ones were hard to me, and, um, the hard ones...

they just got easier.

But on Craig David.

Why?

Why did you change your answer from A1?

Well, you can hear it. Listen. You can hear the gasp.

I think I'm gonna go with A1.

One of Diana's best tips. Always listen to the audience.

If you're found guilty, you'll be decommissioned from the army...

face certain bankruptcy, possible prison sentence.

People have attacked your house, slashed your tyres, shot your dog.

And "cough, cough, cough", everywhere you go.

Why did you put yourself through all that? For a game.

I didn't.

Because I didn't cheat.

So what did you do?

I just... tried to be... entertaining.

And to get the questions right.

And to do my wife proud.

Take the book in your left hand and read aloud from the card, please.

I swear by almighty God...

Mr Smith.

Thank you for joining us today.

Is it fair to say you took a while to be convinced yourself,

about this coughing theory?

Yes. I wanted to give the Major the benefit of the doubt.

Um, but as soon as you begin watching, and listening...

Once you are told there are coughs, it's hard to unhear them.

So these are 19 coughs that you isolated,

that occurred on the correct answers.

Do you know how many there were in total that night?

192.

There were 192 coughs picked up on that recording

from all over the place.

Only they didn't fit the narrative, so they were left out.

You left them out of the famous Tape G.

Just edited, and re-edited, like a memory,

it's constantly changing.

We have to present to you what happened somehow,

on... in... in some form.

Yes, but this is your version of what happened.

The jury are looking where you want them to look.

The moment, for instance, when Mrs Ingram's coughing.

Now, that's not an accident that that's picked up on the master tape.

That is a choice.

It is a creative choice made by those who are editing it.

The volume of the 19 is raised, as you've acknowledged,

but if wanted the jury to hear them at their original volume,

well, I couldn't, could I?

Because your version is now the only version of events.

They had to be isolated

in the way that the Major would have heard them,

if he was listening out for them to replicate the experience.

Why don't you suspect Judith Keppel, the first millionaire, of cheating?

- Why would I? - Good question.

I will now play the Judith Keppel tape.

If you wouldn't mind turning to the television.

For £2,000 between Keppel choosing the right answers,

and committing to the final answer:

On his legs.

Why would he put his chaps on his legs?

To stop his legs getting rubbed.

A cough. Similarly, on the £4,000 question:

I think it's Aquarius.

What are you? What's your star sign?

A cough. Again, a cough on the £8,0000 question.

And the £64,000 question.

And on the 500,000. And on the million.

Now, I don't think she cheated. You don't.

Why do you think the Major cheated?

I know this game...

...and I know how normal people play it.

And the Major did not play it normally, I could tell immediately.

Oh, really? What time did you arrive at the studio that night?

It was, um...

Well, OK, it was at the very end. I didn't actually see him play live.

Oh, so you arrived late at the studio,

you were told that something was wrong.

And you have pursued this doggedly ever since.

That's unfair.

Suspicions were raised.

I called the police and handed it over to them.

They investigated, and they decided to charge them.

And the jury will find them innocent or guilty, that's up to them.

- It's not personal. - Well, of course...

Of course it's personal.

This was my show.

It was my life.

And believe it or not, it mattered to me.

The people who enjoyed it.

And the people trying to ruin it.

I see.

Could you explain, then, the one gaping hole in this whole theory.

Could you explain the 18 minutes between the Craig David question

and the Baron Haussmann question,

when there are no significant coughs?

Well, because Mr Whittock didn't need to cough

- on those other questions. - Why not?

Well, because the Major knew the answer to those questions.

Oh, I see.

Oh, well, then, my final, final question,

and this is just a tiny little thing.

How did Tecwen Whittock know that Charles Ingram,

a man he'd never met, never communicated with...

So how did he know that Charles knew those answers,

and that he didn't need to cough?

I don't know.

But I know that he cheated.

I'm sorry for everything they've gone through, nobody wanted that.

But whether it's coughing, or blinking, or pagers, I know it.

I know it.

He came on my show, and he cheated.

Have you ever heard of this little thing called "confirmation bias"?

When an assumption sinks into the brain,

it rearranges and reorganises all facts to support the assumption.

Like on the show relay.

People, suspicious of a man from a strange family, talking together.

Something's weird.

On a loop.

He's a real dodgy one.

Yeah, I think this guy's cheating as well.

Now might that not have created a shared fiction,

which then everyone in the studio

subconsciously began to distort reality to match?

Isn't it strange that the only person not hooked up onto the loop,

Chris Tarrant,

is the only person not to have suspected a thing?

We're all guilty of it. We do it every day of our lives.

We adjust the world, and all the information,

in order to navigate our way through.

Take Mr Whittock's alleged cough.

"No," for example, which, incidentally,

could have come from any one of those contestants,

any one of those microphones.

It's just someone on hearing the Major hovering over a wrong answer,

muttering quite naturally to themselves, "No".

Raised to such a volume on the master tape,

it made you all guffaw at how obvious it was,

yet on the night, the two people who sat either side of Mr Whittock,

they didn't hear him say it.

The man who sat opposite the Major, Chris Tarrant,

he didn't hear him say it.

The 250 people in the studio audience,

none of them - none of them - when asked, heard him say it.

Yet miraculously the Major did?

A man who couldn't possibly know the answer to those questions, right?

Not a man with a degree in engineering

who knows what mega and a nano is.

A man who was accepted into Mensa

among the cleverest people in the country,

only he's too modest to mention it to anyone

so pinned a badge on his lapel, and hoped some of you might notice.

We are told he's a man who got carried away by a game.

Not a level-headed UN Peacekeeper

who rescued men from the battlefields of Bosnia.

No, you're being asked to believe that he and his wife cooked up

a conspiracy on a phone call which lasted eight minutes

with a stranger they'd never met to cough their way to a million

with an accomplice with a diagnosed cough.

The fact is,

it will be entirely impossible to categorically prove

that Charles Ingram did not know the answers to those questions.

Because we cannot get inside here.

His head.

We just can't know.

And therefore you cannot find him guilty beyond reasonable doubt.

On the charge of

procuring the execution of a valuable security by deception,

do you find the defendant, Tecwen Whittock,

guilty or not guilty?

Guilty.

On the same charge, do you find the defendant, Diana Ingram,

guilty or not guilty?

Guilty.

On the same charge, do you find the defendant, Charles Ingram,

guilty or not guilty?

Guilty.

This has been a most unusual and exceptional case.

Frankly, one is hard-pressed to find anything

about the circumstances of this case that is not exceptional.

A crime of this nature normally carries with it

a sentence of a significant number of years in prison.

I sentence you to 18 months in prison, suspended for two years.

So that's it? We're free to go?

If we're guilty, why aren't we going to jail?

Well, maybe these days, justice just has to be "seen" to be done.

More than it actually has to be.

Don't question it.

Go and live your lives.

I'll have to resign my commission.

It's all right. It doesn't matter.

It does matter. It matters to me. It's who I am.

What did Chris Tarrant say at the end of the show?

"What a man. Quite an amazing man".

Are you ready?

I have got nothing to say, guys. Really.

There's nothing more to say.

And my newspaper is prepared to pay £675,000

for you to confess to us exclusively.

I think, er, just the photo. Thanks.

Big smile.

A Martin Bashir documentary on the "Coughing Major"

received a record breaking audience for ITV.

The highest-rated factual programme, since the funeral of Princess Diana.

- ..Tony Blair is blaming the IRA. - Come on. Time for bed.

Yep, up in a sec.

So, come on, then. What's the answer?

After all that.

Tell us. It's killing me.