Original subtitles

They all work. All four of them.

OK, good. Good to test them.

How is he? Charles? Is he ready? Erm...

CHRIS TARRANT: 'Emmerdale. Hollyoaks.

'EastEnders. Coronation Street.'

Emmerdale?

'D, Coronation Street.'

'Coronation Street is the right answer, well done.'

Oh, bum. Yeah, no, he's, erm...

He's going to need all the help he can get.

This way, please.

So this is just a little practice,

before we send you off to the canteen

for a bite to eat, OK?

Oh, and to warn, we're starting with

a rollover contestant from yesterday.

So you won't be called upon

until probably quite a way into the show,

just to, like, manage your expectations and everything.

Right!

Just a rehearsal!

Fingers on buttons.

Put these Disney films in order of their release.

A, Little Mermaid.

B, Snow White.

C, Aladdin.

D, Dumbo.

OK, pretty straightforward, B, D, A, C.

Let's look who was fastest.

Janet! On 6.52 seconds, well done.

And, Charles? Yeah.

I'm afraid you were last. Oh, well. It's just nice to be here.

Yeah. Only rehearsal. Yeah, OK.

OK. Over to you, Rebecca. Fantastic.

OK, folks, if you'd like to follow me, please.

He's the husband of the sister of the brother

who were all here, so...

Oh, Jesus Christ.

But seriously, honestly, I wouldn't worry,

he's like Tim-Nice-But-Dim army type,

I doubt he'll even get in the chair.

Terrible in rehearsal and, so, yeah.

Oh, and his wife did request an extra ticket, though.

Audience is full, but I could put them in the overspill?

Fine, wherever.

Don't be so on edge.

I'm gonna be the one in the chair, hopefully.

I wish you were more on edge,

so I'd know you knew how nerve-wracking it is out there.

Well, at least we're getting to spend more time together.

KNOCK ON DOOR

All right. Of course, yeah.

Right, place these words of an Agatha Christie novel

in the right order.

Nile, On, Death, The!

And it was, of course, Death On The Nile.

And who gets to sit in the chair next?

It's... Charles Ingram!

Well done, Charles.

Are you ready to play for a million pounds?

Is the Pope a Catholic? And... hold there!

What did I...? Oh, don't worry, no, no, no.

It's a lot less continuous and magic than it is on tele.

Erm, lots of stops and starts. We're gonna mic your guest up now

and put them in their seat in the audience.

Who have you brought? Uh, my wife.

You've met actually, she played before. Oh, really?

Yes. Oh, yes!

Hello... again.

OK, folks, here we go. And...

OK, let's play Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?

MUSIC AND APPLAUSE

Erm, so, we've seen quite a lot of the Major's family

on this show, Charles...

First off was his wife, Diana, who won 32 grand.

Erm, then brother-in-law Adrian, who won 32 grand, as well.

So it's a matter of family honour, Charles.

No pressure, then! No. No. No, no pressure.

What, are you trying to win a million between you?

LAUGHTER First question of 15.

"What name is given to a person

"who is against increasing the powers of the European Union?"

Eurosceptic. Eurostar.

Eurotrash. Eurovision.

It's, erm... It's Eurosceptic, Chris, yeah.

That's correct.

So for £2,000.

Coronation Street... CHRIS GUFFAWS

I bet you know this one. Oh, no, I've never watched it.

Charles, it's been on for 40 years!

I know, I know, I just...

In Coronation Street, who is Audrey's daughter?

Janice, Gail, Linda, Sally.

Erm, no, it's nothing...

It's nothing, erm...

I'm not getting anything.

Erm, no, it's...

Oh, sorry, sir,

you can't be out here on the phone, I'm afraid.

Yeah, no, sorry, I'm...

I know, I know, sorry, I just need to, erm...

Sir, if you don't mind? Yeah, of course.

Sorry. I was just trying to get in touch...

'OK, no, I... Yeah.

'I'll have to ask the audience, Chris.'

Cut to Chris. 'OK, audience.'

She's right. He's an idiot.

'Fingers on keypads.'

Which still begs the question how he got in the goddamn chair,

but hey-ho, and all the fun of the fair.

OK! And 89% say Gail.

Well. Gosh, yeah, OK... Well, I'll go for B, go for Gail.

Oh, "Where is the River Foyle"?

Erm... Erm...

I think I'm gonna have to, erm...

Oh, dear. Yeah, I'm gonna have to... phone a friend..

It's all right, that's what the lifelines are there for.

OK, who are we gonna call, Major?

Erm, Gerald. OK, let's call Gerald, please.

Where's Gerald? Erm, South Wales.

PHONE DIALS

PHONE'S DIAL DISTORTS

Mr Pollock, I mean it now, we'll have to confiscate your phone.

Yeah, all right. OK. OK. Yep, sorry.

This way, sir. Keep an eye on him.

Is the right answer. And that takes you to £4,000!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

KLAXON BLARES Oh, no!

Oh, no! Charles, we're gonna have to drag you back tomorrow,

along with ten new Fastest Finger First contestants.

APPLAUSE

Jacob Nixon from Frome!

Charlotte Edmonds from Edinburgh.

Helen McGrath form Broadstairs.

Sorry, darling.

Bloody Coronation Street.

It's OK, we just need to strategise for tomorrow.

We need to regroup.

Well, I can't be back tomorrow,

I mean, I shouldn't really be here today, so...

KNOCK ON DOOR Knock-knock, sorry to interrupt.

Just giving you your hotel details.

Oh, no, I'm really sorry, but I actually think

we have to get back home tonight.

Back home? Yeah, I've got... I've got work in the morning.

But you're our rollover contestant. You're back in the chair tomorrow.

I know, I know, but we didn't necessarily think

that we would rollover, did we? No. No.

Well, can't you call in sick? It's the British Army.

No, you can't call in sick. I know, but, like...

SHE SCOFFS ..there's no war on, is there?

I mean, I'm joking, but I'm not really.

We have to have you back here.

We will be back. I promise, I promise.

But work takes precedence, I'm so sorry.

Charles, car, five minutes. Yeah.

PHONE RINGS

Hello, Tecwen speaking.

Ah, yes, Tecwen. Hi. It's, erm, Diana Ingram here.

Erm, Adrian's sister. Oh. Hello, yes. Diana. Yes.

Oh, my God, fortuitous timing. You'll never guess what.

Oh, I-I think I can, actually,

you're going to be on the show tomorrow, I've just heard,

erm, weirdly, I'm here... at the studio.

Charles, my husband, he's here,

he's going to be in the chair tomorrow,

for when you're in the Fastest Finger seats.

Oh, my. What a coincidence. I know. I know.

So, erm, I just thought I'd call for a quick chat.

MUSIC AND APPLAUSE

All right?

MUSIC DIES

CLOCK TICKS

HE SIGHS

We're welcoming back Charles,

Major Charles Ingram, into the chair.

"Morning, Major!" "Morning, Fawlty!"

So do you have a strategy, then, Major?

Well, erm... Well, yeah, I do. I do have a strategy, actually.

I, erm... I was a bit defensive on the last show,

erm, you know, talking myself out of answers

that I... frankly, I should have known and do know

and, erm... So, yeah... So I'm... I'm...

Yeah, I'm, sort of, going on the counterattack.

We're going on a counterattack.

Yeah, and basically I'm...

I'm just gonna try and show a bit more self-commitment.

Well, erm, let's put this strategy to the test.

Right, Major Charles Ingram, are you ready to play?

THEME MUSIC PLAYS

This, for £8,000.

Who was the second husband of Jacqueline Kennedy?

Adnan Khashoggi.

Ronald Reagan.

Aristotle Onassis.

Rupert Murdoch.

All right, we're not expecting this guy to be in long,

he's two lifelines down,

so make sure we're prepped for the next.

Roger, roger.

I would have thought...

I would have thought it would be Aristotle Onassis.

Erm...

Yeah, one... One of my sub-strategies is...

Oh, my, we've got sub-strategies now?!

Yeah, yeah, and sub-sub-strategies.

But one of my sub-strategies is to take my time

and, erm, list all the... all the options.

So...

Adnan Kashoggi.

Ronald Reagan.

And Rupert Murdoch.

Aristotle Onassis.

COUGHING

Yeah, yeah, I think...

I'm pretty sure it's, erm, Aristotle Onassis.

Final answer?

Final answer, yeah.

You didn't have to play.

Well, this new self-committed Charles

is a wild and crazy man. That's the correct answer!

OK, so you've got £16,000.

Now for the all-important 32,000.

Who had a hit UK album with Born To Do It,

released in 2000?

Coldplay.

Toploader.

A1.

Craig David.

Coldplay.

Toploader.

A1.

Craig David.

HE SIGHS OK, well, erm...

All right? Yeah.

That major from last night is nearly up to 32 grand, amazingly.

'I think it's A1.'

He's like a new man today.

'But it could be Toploader.'

Which is also something to do with a barrel on a rifle.

So... Erm, I've never heard of Craig David.

Erm...

Erm, I... I'm afraid I'm gonna have to...

I think I'm gonna have to use my final lifeline, 50:50.

Computer, take away two wrong answers,

leave Charles with the right answer and one remaining wrong answer.

Oh, that's not any easier... Erm... Urgh.

Do you know what?

I think I'm gonna go for it, I think I'm gonna go for A1.

CROWD GASP Final answer?

No.

LAUGHTER

No. Erm...

Craig David... HE SIGHS

Craig... David.

SHE COUGHS

You know, when... When I'm at home, erm, and I'm practising,

you know, I guess... I guess...

Well, I guess wrong 80% of the time,

so I think I'm gonna go with Craig David.

LAUGHTER

Charles, you'd never heard of him a moment ago?!

No, Craig David. I'm gonna...

Final answer? Yeah, final answer.

Well, erm, what a show this is turning into.

Major Charles Ingram was on £16,000.

He didn't have to play this question.

He said in his own words that he'd never heard of Craig David.

He went with A1.

And then, because...

Well, I'd rather lost the plot of his thinking then,

but he changed his mind,

knowing that he would lose £15,000 if he gave the wrong answer.

He went with Craig David, who he'd never heard of.

Yep.

And that's the right answer!

THEME MUSIC PLAYS Unbelievable.

I don't know how you do that! I really don't!

Incredible.

HE PANTS

PHONE RINGS

Yes? Paul. It's David.

It's happening, I think the thing is happening.

The rollover contestant from last night,

I think he's cheating.

He...? What, in getting on the show?

No, cheating on the show,

cheating at the actual... the actual game.

Is the correct answer. APPLAUSE

How do you...? You can't cheat the show,

either you know the answer, or you don't.

Look something isn't right. He's...

Normal people don't play like this.

All right, I'm... I'm coming down.

Yeah, I mean, it's a down payment on a house, isn't it? So...

So, yeah. Yeah. Holbein.

Holbein.

Final answer?

Final answer.

OK. Erm, first of all, you thought it was Rembrandt.

Said you'd seen the painting.

You then thought it was Holbein.

You've just won £125,000!

Incredible.

Incredible. You're just getting better!

OK, something's weird.

How is he doing this? Yeah, I have no idea.

I mean, you were struggling more at £200 than you are now.

I-I dunno! Unbelievable.

HE MOUTHS

Well, Charles, here it is.

A cheque, for a quarter of a... It sounds strange doesn't it,

..a quarter of a million pounds. Gosh, you're shaking.

I know, I know, I don't...

I know that, frankly, you didn't think you'd be able to

equal your wife. And, frankly, Charles, nor did I.

LAUGHTER Well, this is real money.

£250,000.

But we don't want to give you that!

This question...

for half a million pounds.

THEME MUSIC PLAYS

Baron Haussmann is best known for the planning of which city?

Rome.

Paris.

Berlin.

Athens.

Think it's Berlin. LAUGHTER

God!

Yeah, Berlin.

I mean, Haussmann...

You know, seems... Seems like a German name,

rather than a Italian name,

or a Parisian name, or an Athens name.

Erm...

Rome.

Paris. COUGHING

Yeah. Do you know, I'm gonna, I'm gonna rethink it.

Because I don't... I don't think it's Athens

and I'm pretty sure it's not Rome.

And I would have thought...

I would have thought it was, erm...

Berlin, but there's a chance it could be Paris.

COUGHING

Oh, God, no.

You stand to lose £218,000.

Yeah, I think... I-I think it's Paris.

I'm gonna play.

Right, hang on. Now, wait, where are we?!

HE COUGHS No, Paris.

Paris, final answer.

Final answer? Final answer.

You thought it was Berlin.

"Berlin, Berlin, Berlin".

You changed your mind to Paris...

That's brought you £500,000! Yes! Yes!

That's unbelievable! Unbelievable!

Incredible. Oh, shit, the glitter.

Never thought we'd get to the million-pound question,

but we're at the million-pound question,

I never prepared the bloody glitter. Where's the glitter man?

♪ It's raining men, hallelujah It's raining men, amen

♪ It's raining men, hallelujah... ♪ PHONE RINGS

♪ Ame-e-e-e-en. ♪

Well, erm...

It's not often I get to say this. But...

for £1 million:

The number one,

followed by 100 zeros

is known by what name?

Googol.

Megatron.

Gigabit.

Nanomole.

Well, let's see. HE EXHALES

Erm, Giga...

Nano...

Oh, God, don't start.

HE STRAINS

Right, OK.

God, I don't... I don't, erm...

Well? Watch, just watch...

I'm not sure.

However... LAUGHTER

Charles, you haven't been sure since question two!

God, I... I think... I think it's a Megatron.

I have to say, I've...

And I've never heard,

I haven't... No, I've never heard of a googol.

HE PANTS

Do you know the answer? Yes, it's googol.

That's what I thought.

Googol. COUGHING

Googol. COUGHING

Yeah, I mean, you know, by process of elimination,

I actually think it is a googol. But I don't know what a googol is.

LAUGHTER

It's not a gigabit, a nanomole, or a Megatron

and there's only four of them, so it must be googol, mustn't it?

I mean...

HE LAUGHS

I mean, I don't mind taking the odd risk now and again.

CROWD GROAN

My strategy has... has worked so far.

Chris, I'm gonna play. CROWD GASP

You know, you don't have to play this, Charles.

No-one would blame you if you walked away right now,

with half a million pounds.

Googol.

Final answer?

Final answer.

Catch me when I fall on the floor.

Don't go to a break.

Please, don't go to... Please, don't go for a break.

We're taking a break. Oh, God!

CROWD GROAN

Don't go anywhere, I know you won't,

on what is an epic night in British television.

THEME MUSIC PLAYS

Oh, my God.

We should stop it now. Just stop it.

We can't stop it, we have no proof. We just, I don't know, just...

HE SIGHS We have to carry on.

You all right? Erm, yeah, I just, erm...

I mean, no, not really. HE CHUCKLES

No!

So you can see, can you, if I've got the answer right on your screen?

I can.

I'm sure it'll just be a few seconds.

Thank you.

HE MOUTHS

OK, studio, and...

THEME MUSIC PLAYS

Welcome back.

Wow. Erm, we are here with Charles Ingram.

Who, after first thinking it was Megatron,

erm, then played googol as his final answer.

Even though he'd never heard of it.

Charles?

You've just won £1 million!

One million!

You are the most amazing player we have ever, ever had!

Diana? Come on down, my darling, come on.

One million!

£1 million!

I can't believe it. CHEERING

SHE SOBS

The best player we have ever had!

What a man!

Quite an amazing man.

I have no idea how you did it.

I don't know. Unbelievable! Unbelievable!

Unbelievable, Diana, my darling, come here.

Ladies and gentlemen, Charles Ingram.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

♪ Right from Her doorway we roam... ♪

THEY LAUGH

♪ Eats and then It's a pleasure again

♪ Walkin' my baby... ♪

"Charles Ingram. One million."

♪ I don't mean maybe

♪ Walkin' my baby

♪ Back home. ♪

THEY LAUGH

What? What am I listening for?

Just wait. It, erm...

I don't know, I don't know, just... play VT.

'Googol.' COUGHING

That, there. Right there.

A cough. So what?

There's always coughing.

I think... I don't definitely know,

but I think there's, like, a pattern.

Of what, coughing? From who?

Look, there's gotta be something, Paul.

Watch last night's tape, he's useless.

And then, what, he comes back an utter genius?

Replay VT.

'Googol.' COUGHING

Turn it up.

'Googol.' COUGHING

Then he changes his answer.

'By process of elimination, I actually think it is a googol.

'But I just don't know what a googol is.'

PHONE RINGS Hi, Paul?

'Um, hi, Ruth.'

Erm, we've had another millionaire.

Oh. OK, great!

Except...

I think that... Erm, WE think something's not right.

We think the guy may have cheated.

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

What the shitting hell?

BABY GARBLES

Cheeky bastards, who are they?

Are they one of that group

you talked about getting on the show? Morning.

We don't know, we just know he's a wrong'un.

Are you OK?

No, I'm not OK, of course, I'm not OK.

Sorry, sorry, it's murder on the old...

This is Lionel, from legal. Coffee? How do you take it?

Oh, just, erm, massive.

Look, before anything else,

the most urgent thing is whether to air tomorrow's episode,

because if we don't, then ten million people

are gonna need something else to watch.

I have a tape on its way, you can see for yourself.

Well, what about the police? The police?

Yeah. Is...? Is this a police...?

Well, it's not... not. It's theft. It's £1 million.

If this was a bank vault or a diamond store in Hatton Gardens

there'd be helicopters by now, roadblocks.

Come in... Ah, right, see for yourself.

All I'm saying is, is it a crime to cheat on a game show?

Well, it's... It's... Well... Stop saying "well", Lionel.

I'm from legal. It's my job to say "well".

SHE SNEEZES

See for yourselves. 'Do you know what?

'I think I am going to go for it. I'm gonna go for A1.'

'Final answer? No.'

LAUGHTER

'No. Erm... A1.

'Craig... David.'

COUGHING

Oh, Jesus, Je-sus.

It's so obvious.

And don't forget that his wife has already been on the show.

She knows the ins and outs.

'I normally guess wrong 80% of the time...'

Watch now. He changes his answer.

'I think I'm going to go with Craig David.'

OK, I say we don't air. Agreed.

We can edit forward to the next contestant in the chair.

Would you fast forward, please?

Can we do that, is it that simple?

Oh, arse, the glitter on the floor.

Well, if no-one has won,

where did the glitter just come from? No-one will notice.

Or care.

This is Tecwen Whittock, from Whitchurch, Cardiff.

Can you stretch out his turn, make him longer?

It'll be a struggle.

He was erm, nothing special, you know.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Did you order something? No.

Oh. Hello, hello, David Briggs.

Ah, yes, hello, hello. Hello, this is Ruth Settle.

Hi. Hi, hello. Morning, morning. Oh, hello.

Oh, hi. Sleep OK?

If at all, you must be...

Erm... Oh, what's this about? Oh, it's only to, erm...

It's just to work out the next few days.

The angle, the coverage.

So your press conference,

we thought, because of question 12 for 125,000,

The Ambassadors is a painting by which artist?

The... What, the Holbein? The Holbein. Well done, correct!

We are thinking of hosting it there, in front of the painting. Ah, right.

But you...

You did keep changing your mind a lot, didn't you?

Well, actually, that was to explain my thinking to the audience,

so I wasn't just, you know, sat there like a muppet.

It's, erm, probably just that, don't you think?

What's "probably" what?

Actually, erm, Diana mentions all these tips in her book

that she's writing with her brother about the show.

What? It'll help publicise it, won't it? Being a winner.

You're writing a book? Oh, just a little stocking filler.

With hints and things about how to get onto the show,

how to play, just a few things that we've picked up

from this community of fans, that's all.

Gosh, that... That sound really helpful.

I wouldn't mention that to the press yet. No.

We'll... We'll have an embargo until the show airs.

We have to handle everything... delicately.

Guilty as sin. THEY GRUMBLE

Bollocks. Look, they are quiz obsessive, they're...

They are fans of the show, so they're a bit much,

but apart from that.

Watch the tape. Play her the tape.

Oh, and she's, erm, writing a book, the wife,

like, erm, an expose of the show. She what?!

Oh, my God... It's just a tiny, little stocking filler.

Look, I just come off the phone from some of our guys at the studio

who are investigating all possible, you know, and...

And they have gone into the car park with some sort of radio receiver

and they're saying it's possible

to listen in to the show relay from outside?

David, do we not scramble that signal?

Why would we scramble the signal?

How do you scramble a signal? What's this now? The relay?

I'm just saying that hypothetically, someone,

maybe someone from this... this... this group

could listen in to the show from outside.

And how would that help them? To hear the questions!

Look up the answers and communicate back in.

To who? The person in the chair?! Maybe! I don't know!

Or someone in the audience, with a mobile phone.

We don't allow mobile phones in the studio.

Yeah, but do we check? Course we check.

Do we check?

No. Course we don't check, how would we check?

You don't search the audience?

Let's get it all out now, shall we? After the horse has bolted.

This is all just happening this morning.

Right, it's a game show! It's not Fort Knox!

Whoa, wait, are we saying that it's not someone coughing, then?

It could be the coughing. It's definitely the coughing.

Either way, I'm calling the police.

Who would you even call? Like, which, like, branch?

I'll text my person to look up for IP.

Hold on, have they have even cashed the cheque yet?

Wait, have...? Have we cancelled the cheque?

I don't know. I mean...

I mean, no, we haven't cancelled the cheque,

I've been at the... Lionel. Should we cancel the cheque?

I'm just thinking, we might need to wait for them to cash the cheque

for it to be stealing. No, no, no, if we do that,

that would be entrapment, surely, by us?

Yeah, but if they cash the cheque,

do we have to sue them to get it back?

Am I cancelling the cheque, or aren't I?! Well...

No, I just don't see it. Don't you hear it?! The coughing.

Is that how loud it actually was? Yes.

Well... No, we've isolated them a bit, for you to hear...

Listen, you can hear the coughs at the right answers.

Yeah, and I can hear the coughs on the wrong answers!

Here. These are the people at Scotland Yard to call,

it's something called the Celebrity Crimes Squad or something,

I don't know. Really? Sounds like a shit detective show.

Yeah, sounds like something we'd make. Wow.

Wait, I'm confused, what are we saying to them?

That this is... There's more people?

That this is part of a bigger... conspiracy?

All I'm saying is we don't know

how many people were outside helping,

inside, helping him.

Yeah, but you can't pack the place out with people that you know.

You only get the one ticket.

Actually...

Actually, on the first night,

the Ingram's did have someone else there.

Diana's brother.

The brother... was there...?

Yeah. God dammit!

I'm calling the police.

'What a man!'

'A major disaster is occurring in New York City this afternoon.'

Wait a sec...

what is that?

'World Trade Centre is on fire.

'Early indications are that a Boeing 747 out of Boston

'collided with the tower at 1:46 PM this afternoon, 8:46 AM CET.'

Is that live? It must be..

'Eye witness reports are coming in that the plane banked sharply

'and made a direct hit at around the 80th floor of the building.

'More as we have it. Thank you, Nicholas.

'As you can imagine, there is chaos in the streets of downtown New York.

'All major buildings are being evacuated in the area

'surrounding the World Trade Centre.

'There's been a second collision, possibly another plane goes...'

Are you OK? Just awful.

Yeah. Puts it all in perspective, doesn't it?

I haven't even told the chaps about our win yet, all seems a bit...

Actually there was a message for you from Celador

when I got back from school. I don't know if you... Right.

OK, well, life goes on, eh?

Yeah.

I love you. I love you.

Give me that number.

Detective Sergeant Sam Ferguson from the Special Inquiry Unit,

this is my colleague, Detective Constable Amir Cave.

You rang.

Well, I don't think any of us expected you to come today,

given the, erm... Yeah.

Terrible thing. But...

crimes still need solving.

So, we've been brought up to speed by Mr...

PHONE RINGS Oh, excuse me. This'll be him.

Hello, Paul Smith? Paul, hello.

It's Charles Ingram here, I was just on your show.

Charles, thank you for calling back.

Erm, so I have to tell you...

that we have suspicions from viewing the recording of Monday's programme

and subsequently studying the tapes carefully,

that there were irregularities during the taping of the show

in which you participated. Oh, Good Lord, no.

Because of that I have to tell you that these suspicions...

THEY MUTTER ..have been referred to the police.

Right. And thus we will not, for the moment,

be airing the programme, or indeed authorising payment of the cheque.

Right.

Yeah. Well, I mean, you know...

...I completely refute that, obviously.

All right.

Good Lord.

Well, goodbye. Goodbye.

Police? You're an army major. I'm a teaching assistant.

People like us don't deal with the police, this is Wiltshire.

It's what he said.

I sort of... told our book publisher about your win

and they've set up this photo and interview thing

for this Sunday. I know the Millionaire people said not to,

but the publishers said it was too good not to.

For the book... Well, there won't be a book, will there, if...?

I bet it wasn't the publishers who said that, I bet it was Adrian.

I bet you've been speaking to him. Have you spoken to Adrian again?

How? If he's on the run? On the run!

As if that's a normal sentence for a normal person to say!

I'm a commissioned officer in the British Army. There are standards.

DOG WHINES Come along, Buffy.

Wait a minute, wait a minute. How do we know that it was Celador?

That it was Paul Smith you spoke to?

It was, I returned his call, on the number they left you...

Yes, I know, but how do we know it's not a hoax.

Someone in the community, taking the mickey.

What...? Maybe that's what they do to everyone, everyone who wins.

It's not a mickey-take, Diana.

Well, it's a bit over the top, isn't it?

Call it back again, that number. No. I'm not gonna call it.

I want to hear it. No, I'm not gonna call it back.

Then I'll do it. Diana!

Hello. Erm, this is... Diana Ingram.

Hello. Hi, erm, yes, we received a phone call

from this number earlier and, well, it occurred to us

that we didn't know whether it was real, or not.

No, erm, no.

No, I'm afraid it was real.

This... This is Paul Smith.

Yes, but how do we know?

It could be a wind-up. Or the press.

Erm...

Well...

Erm... O-OK.

Erm, why don't you call back again

and I won't answer this time,

it'll take you through to my extension answering machine message.

And you'll hear that this is me, and... and this is Celador.

And that... that this is no wind-up, Mrs Ingram.

OK.

PHONE DIALS

'Hello, you've reached Paul Smith at Celador.

'Leave a message and I'll get back to you when I can, thanks.'

MESSAGE TONE BEEPS

HE CLEARS THROAT

We're doing that press interview.

You won that money. It's yours. So let's tell people.

We'll need to make a statement. They're cheats!

I just can't get my head round it.

That terribly nice major, a criminal mastermind? Bollocks.

You really didn't notice anything?

Well I-I suppose you've a lot going on.

Yeah, but I'd hope that I'd have done this enough

to notice if someone is trying to steal a million quid

two feet in front of me, Paul.

You all right?

You look ragged.

I feel upset, actually.

This... Well, this is our thing, it's our baby.

No-one will dare try anything like this again

after all this, don't you worry.

Who the hell was coughing?

So what I'm gonna show you is what we've edited together

of the show so far from the different angles.

Play VT.

'Googol.' COUGHING

That cough there, then.

Can you ascertain where it came from?

Not the individual, no,

we don't mic up every audience member.

But we've got different mic tracks

covering different areas of the studio.

Now that particular cough.

That came from the Fastest Finger mic, stage right.

Play tape C.

One of these five, sat here.

I'm Detective Sergeant Ferguson.

Here's a warrant to enter your property.

I should tell you, we're placing you both under arrest

on suspicion of procuring the execution

of a valuable security by deception.

You do not have to say anything...

'What you've been told so far in the case for the prosecution...'

seems to make total sense, doesn't it?

A man, who didn't particularly like quizzes, arrived on the show,

behaved strangely and won a million.

So something must be wrong. He must have cheated. Right?

Your Fastest Finger First machine? You're not serious.

Uh, it's in the garage.

We'll also be wanting a draft copy of your book, Mrs Ingram.

My book? I-I-I... It... It's not finished.

I haven't even spell-checked it yet.

And what about our children?

A specially-trained officer can stay with them,

while you both are... No. No.

You are under arrest, Mrs Ingram.

But what if I were to tell you that it's all utter nonsense?

That the three defendants

who allegedly concocted this elaborate conspiracy

had never even met?

Something that the prosecution does not dispute.

That the so-called significant coughs

are only 19 out of a 192 recorded throughout the night?

Sometimes on the right answers, sometimes on the wrong answers.

And that there is no way of knowing that any of them

even came from Mr Whittock?

Could it simply be

that everyone on the show was waiting for an attack?

For something strange to happen?

And in walks Charles Ingram.

A, yes, eccentric, but actually quite intelligent army major...

and his fate was set.

I put it to you, that this is, in fact,

a series of horrible coincidences.

And that Major Charles Ingram is completely innocent.

Your honour, here is the case for the defence.

HE COUGHS