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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:05,506 --> 00:00:07,382 [piano playing] 3 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 4 00:00:19,019 --> 00:00:20,729 [vocalizing] 5 00:00:23,482 --> 00:00:24,775 [cell phone ringing] 6 00:00:27,736 --> 00:00:29,863 -Hello? -Lord Boltron. 7 00:00:29,947 --> 00:00:32,115 Adam Scott, my best friend. 8 00:00:32,199 --> 00:00:35,994 Hey, I've got two words for you, bro: Vegas, baby! 9 00:00:36,078 --> 00:00:37,538 Las Vegas. 10 00:00:37,621 --> 00:00:41,375 Strippers, shots, Bubba Gump Shrimp Company. 11 00:00:41,458 --> 00:00:43,210 Sorry, Adam, no can do tonight. 12 00:00:43,293 --> 00:00:46,338 All righty, then... Reno, baby! 13 00:00:46,421 --> 00:00:49,800 Cheaper strippers, cheaper shots, two Bubba Gumps. 14 00:00:49,883 --> 00:00:51,218 Not gonna happen, kemosabe. 15 00:00:51,301 --> 00:00:55,138 Okay, well, Bakersfield, baby? Santa Fe? Cincinnati? 16 00:00:55,222 --> 00:00:57,891 -What's going on, bro? -It's Valentine's Day. 17 00:00:57,975 --> 00:00:59,977 Man, what is it with you and Valentine's Day? 18 00:01:00,060 --> 00:01:02,896 Why do you care so much about this stupid holiday? 19 00:01:02,980 --> 00:01:04,773 "Why," you ask? 20 00:01:04,856 --> 00:01:06,358 [music playing] 21 00:01:09,778 --> 00:01:14,700 ♪ There's something quite miraculous About this time of year ♪ 22 00:01:14,783 --> 00:01:19,621 ♪ Playful lights in window shops A special kind of cheer ♪ 23 00:01:19,705 --> 00:01:23,959 ♪ The neighbors have that certain glow For everyone to see ♪ 24 00:01:24,042 --> 00:01:26,628 ♪ Just ten months till Christmas ♪ 25 00:01:26,712 --> 00:01:31,341 ♪ That's what Valentine's Day Means to me ♪ 26 00:01:31,425 --> 00:01:33,677 You down there! What are you singing about? 27 00:01:33,760 --> 00:01:37,097 -Christmas, of course! -Why? It's February! 28 00:01:37,180 --> 00:01:38,682 -Ha ha ha! -Ah! 29 00:01:38,765 --> 00:01:42,811 ♪ As winter slowly goes away And out comes Mr. Sun ♪ 30 00:01:42,894 --> 00:01:46,315 ♪ It's such a nice reminder To get our shopping done ♪ 31 00:01:46,398 --> 00:01:50,277 ♪ People say it's early But I must disagree ♪ 32 00:01:50,360 --> 00:01:52,237 ♪ Just ten months till Christmas ♪ 33 00:01:52,321 --> 00:01:55,741 ♪ That's what Valentine's Day Means to me ♪ 34 00:01:55,824 --> 00:01:58,452 -Ho ho ho! -Santa! 35 00:01:58,535 --> 00:02:00,120 Come here, you big bowl of jelly. 36 00:02:00,203 --> 00:02:03,248 Good to see you, my boy. Michael, I need your help. 37 00:02:03,332 --> 00:02:06,960 Something got into the elves this year, and they made way too many toys. 38 00:02:07,044 --> 00:02:09,588 -So, you want me to kill the elves. -[man] He's got a gun! 39 00:02:09,671 --> 00:02:15,385 What? No! There's too many toys, so we need more babies to give them to. 40 00:02:15,469 --> 00:02:18,013 Seventy-five thousand, to be exact. 41 00:02:18,096 --> 00:02:20,932 Well, what do you want me to do, put out another sexy single? 42 00:02:21,016 --> 00:02:22,225 I fear that may not be enough. 43 00:02:22,309 --> 00:02:25,604 I need you to make a Valentine's Day special, 44 00:02:25,687 --> 00:02:27,064 a production so sexy 45 00:02:27,147 --> 00:02:29,816 that people around the world will be compelled to make love. 46 00:02:29,900 --> 00:02:33,445 And ten months from now, there'll be 75,000 new babies, 47 00:02:33,528 --> 00:02:35,989 and Christmas will be saved! 48 00:02:36,073 --> 00:02:37,449 Thy will be done, Kris. 49 00:02:37,532 --> 00:02:39,201 [slapping] 50 00:02:39,284 --> 00:02:43,372 ♪ So, I know what I must do To make them copulate ♪ 51 00:02:43,455 --> 00:02:47,417 ♪ Just like 2,000 years ago When Mary found her mate ♪ 52 00:02:47,501 --> 00:02:49,669 ♪ That special February night ♪ 53 00:02:49,753 --> 00:02:54,341 ♪ When they made lil' J.C. ♪ 54 00:02:54,424 --> 00:02:59,596 ♪ It was just ten months Till Christmas ♪ 55 00:02:59,679 --> 00:03:03,016 ♪ That's what Valentine's Day ♪ 56 00:03:03,100 --> 00:03:10,023 ♪ Means to me ♪ 57 00:03:12,401 --> 00:03:17,114 [woman] It's Michael Bolton's Big, Sexy Valentine's Day Special. 58 00:03:17,197 --> 00:03:18,865 With special guests: 59 00:03:18,949 --> 00:03:20,867 Maya Rudolph, 60 00:03:20,951 --> 00:03:22,661 Kenny G, 61 00:03:22,744 --> 00:03:24,579 Misty & Blair, 62 00:03:24,663 --> 00:03:26,373 Casey Wilson, 63 00:03:26,456 --> 00:03:29,167 chocolatier Peter Salanz, 64 00:03:29,251 --> 00:03:31,461 Michael Fulton, 65 00:03:31,545 --> 00:03:33,964 celebrity chef Chef Roy, 66 00:03:34,047 --> 00:03:36,007 Baby Archer, 67 00:03:36,091 --> 00:03:38,927 virtual reality expert Dr. Vince Harbert 68 00:03:39,010 --> 00:03:41,221 and Santa Claus. 69 00:03:41,304 --> 00:03:45,726 And now here's your host, Michael Bolton. 70 00:03:45,809 --> 00:03:50,021 ♪ Cupid, draw back your bow ♪ 71 00:03:50,105 --> 00:03:54,067 ♪ And let your arrow go ♪ 72 00:03:54,151 --> 00:03:59,197 ♪ Straight to my lover's heart for me ♪ 73 00:03:59,281 --> 00:04:01,616 ♪ Me ♪ 74 00:04:02,200 --> 00:04:04,703 Hey, there. I'm Michael Bolton. 75 00:04:04,786 --> 00:04:06,872 I've sold more than 75 million records 76 00:04:06,955 --> 00:04:09,416 and topped the charts with nine number-one singles. 77 00:04:09,499 --> 00:04:10,625 But more importantly, 78 00:04:10,709 --> 00:04:13,503 I'm the undisputed king of Valentine's Day. 79 00:04:14,337 --> 00:04:17,674 ♪ Nobody but me ♪ 80 00:04:17,758 --> 00:04:18,925 [audience cheering and applauding] 81 00:04:19,009 --> 00:04:23,513 Thank you. Now let me show you where tonight's magic is gonna happen. 82 00:04:23,597 --> 00:04:27,642 It's a little area of the set I like to call the "Love Nest." 83 00:04:30,145 --> 00:04:32,981 Ah, yes. This is to my liking. 84 00:04:33,064 --> 00:04:36,109 Designed by clinically insane Swedish architects 85 00:04:36,193 --> 00:04:38,236 to encourage optimal lovemaking. 86 00:04:38,320 --> 00:04:42,032 Slipper satin couch which comfortably seats up to four participants. 87 00:04:42,115 --> 00:04:43,700 ♪ Snuggle ♪ 88 00:04:43,784 --> 00:04:45,076 A well-stoked fire, 89 00:04:45,160 --> 00:04:48,622 the lights of which will illuminate the sweat upon our writhing bodies. 90 00:04:48,705 --> 00:04:51,333 ♪ Oh, sweaty, sweaty me ♪ 91 00:04:51,416 --> 00:04:52,751 A carcass of a dead animal, 92 00:04:52,834 --> 00:04:55,295 as a sober reminder of the fact we're still alive. 93 00:04:55,378 --> 00:04:56,630 ♪ Hell yeah ♪ 94 00:04:56,713 --> 00:05:00,175 Let's take it somewhere a touch more private, if you don't mind. 95 00:05:02,135 --> 00:05:06,515 Ah, the boudoir. I love art, especially the naked stuff. 96 00:05:06,598 --> 00:05:10,143 It makes me think of... sex. 97 00:05:10,227 --> 00:05:13,522 I did that one myself at age nine. It still turns me on. 98 00:05:13,605 --> 00:05:15,023 I hope you'll feel comfortable here. 99 00:05:15,106 --> 00:05:19,027 Remember: Nothing's off limits in the Love Nest. 100 00:05:19,110 --> 00:05:21,780 Except that room. That's the man cave. 101 00:05:21,863 --> 00:05:23,824 That's for me and the boys to bro out. 102 00:05:23,907 --> 00:05:27,077 It's got a mini-fridge and a kick-ass poster of a Lamborghini. 103 00:05:27,160 --> 00:05:31,122 It's really cool. But like I said, off limits! 104 00:05:32,541 --> 00:05:36,795 We'll be keeping track of how many babies are conceived tonight on our board. 105 00:05:36,878 --> 00:05:40,423 We need your help to meet our goal of 75,000 new babies 106 00:05:40,507 --> 00:05:42,008 by the end of the show, 107 00:05:42,092 --> 00:05:44,010 or Christmas will be ruined. 108 00:05:44,094 --> 00:05:46,805 Our operators are standing by to take your calls. 109 00:05:46,888 --> 00:05:48,974 Tell them about your lovemaking experiences 110 00:05:49,057 --> 00:05:50,767 or just ask them for tips. 111 00:05:50,850 --> 00:05:54,062 If you want to have a guaranteed baby, tell the guy you're on the pill. 112 00:05:54,145 --> 00:05:55,939 I'm glad to hear you just made love. 113 00:05:56,022 --> 00:05:57,023 [ding] 114 00:05:57,107 --> 00:05:59,693 You did it! Congratulations! Yes! 115 00:05:59,776 --> 00:06:02,195 [Michael Bolton] Meanwhile, all night, our special guests 116 00:06:02,279 --> 00:06:03,488 will be bringing down the house 117 00:06:03,572 --> 00:06:06,199 with performances guaranteed to get you in the mood. 118 00:06:06,283 --> 00:06:10,954 Oh, you're a polygamist? Oh... We can count on you for three? 119 00:06:11,037 --> 00:06:12,163 Ha ha! 120 00:06:12,247 --> 00:06:13,957 We've got three! 121 00:06:14,666 --> 00:06:18,545 And now, to kick things off, a lovely song from a happy couple-- 122 00:06:18,628 --> 00:06:21,673 legendary duo Misty & Blair. 123 00:06:22,465 --> 00:06:23,883 Thank you, Michael. 124 00:06:23,967 --> 00:06:27,887 You know, Misty and I are so happy to be here to celebrate love 125 00:06:27,971 --> 00:06:30,682 and to celebrate our 20th wedding anniversary. 126 00:06:31,391 --> 00:06:34,811 How do we do it? I think you lovers out there can attest-- 127 00:06:34,894 --> 00:06:38,315 sometimes it takes a little compromise. 128 00:06:38,398 --> 00:06:39,733 [music playing] 129 00:06:39,816 --> 00:06:43,361 -♪ I say it's red ♪ -♪ I'm seeing blue ♪ 130 00:06:43,445 --> 00:06:46,281 ♪ Call it purple That's just what we'll do ♪ 131 00:06:46,364 --> 00:06:50,702 ♪ Guess that's what makes us The happy couple ♪ 132 00:06:52,037 --> 00:06:55,206 -♪ Get in a fight ♪ -♪ We both think we're right ♪ 133 00:06:55,290 --> 00:06:58,376 ♪ Let's say we're both wrong And go out for a bite ♪ 134 00:06:58,460 --> 00:07:02,589 ♪ Guess that's what makes us The happy couple ♪ 135 00:07:05,508 --> 00:07:08,762 -♪ I like to choke ♪ -♪ I like to gag ♪ 136 00:07:08,845 --> 00:07:12,182 ♪ Old missionary just ain't our bag ♪ 137 00:07:12,265 --> 00:07:16,394 ♪ Guess that's what makes us The happy couple ♪ 138 00:07:17,646 --> 00:07:21,024 -♪ I'll shave your pubes ♪ -♪ And I'll shave your pubes ♪ 139 00:07:21,107 --> 00:07:24,277 ♪ Lay down on our pubes And have a rough screw ♪ 140 00:07:24,361 --> 00:07:28,365 ♪ Guess that's what makes us The happy couple ♪ 141 00:07:29,658 --> 00:07:32,827 -♪ I like Michael's hair ♪ -♪ I like his bum ♪ 142 00:07:32,911 --> 00:07:36,331 ♪ Take a big bite Of that nice, juicy plum ♪ 143 00:07:36,414 --> 00:07:40,543 ♪ Guess that's what makes us The happy couple ♪ 144 00:07:40,627 --> 00:07:43,088 -Leave me out of this. -♪ You're a Jewish ♪ 145 00:07:43,171 --> 00:07:45,006 ♪ You're a Korean ♪ 146 00:07:45,090 --> 00:07:48,259 ♪ Open your butt 'Cause I'd like to see in ♪ 147 00:07:48,343 --> 00:07:52,639 ♪ Guess that's what makes us The happy couple ♪ 148 00:07:53,765 --> 00:07:56,685 -♪ I'll smoke a doob ♪ -♪ And I'll grab your boob ♪ 149 00:07:56,768 --> 00:08:00,105 ♪ Then I'll sniff like a dog Through your meadow of pubes ♪ 150 00:08:00,188 --> 00:08:03,858 ♪ Guess that's what makes us The happy couple ♪ 151 00:08:03,942 --> 00:08:05,610 You've sung about pubes twice! 152 00:08:05,694 --> 00:08:08,905 ♪ This is the locket Where I keep his pubes ♪ 153 00:08:08,989 --> 00:08:10,323 ♪ And this pocket where-- ♪ 154 00:08:10,407 --> 00:08:12,617 Hey! Hey! Stop it! You started out so sweet, 155 00:08:12,701 --> 00:08:14,953 and now you're downright perverse. 156 00:08:15,036 --> 00:08:16,746 Excuse me? I beg to differ. 157 00:08:16,830 --> 00:08:18,957 No, we were perverse from the very beginning. 158 00:08:19,040 --> 00:08:21,418 Yeah, that "red or blue" thing was actually a debate 159 00:08:21,501 --> 00:08:23,837 about the color of our privates by the end of the night. 160 00:08:23,920 --> 00:08:26,506 And the "little fight before going out for a bite," 161 00:08:26,589 --> 00:08:28,675 that was about whether to buy a bigger butt plug. 162 00:08:28,758 --> 00:08:30,093 And I still think we need it. 163 00:08:30,176 --> 00:08:32,804 Oh, you would just love that, wouldn't you? 164 00:08:32,887 --> 00:08:36,808 -All right, get out of here! -My asshole is lonely. 165 00:08:41,354 --> 00:08:43,356 [Michael] Now let's check in with our board. 166 00:08:44,024 --> 00:08:47,402 You're having trouble conceiving? Oh, I see. 167 00:08:47,485 --> 00:08:51,614 You're having trouble conceiving the premise of this telethon. 168 00:08:52,949 --> 00:08:56,786 I hope you're having a sexy time snuggled up with your special someone. 169 00:08:56,870 --> 00:08:58,830 Go ahead, give them a little kiss right now. 170 00:08:58,913 --> 00:09:00,081 I'll wait. 171 00:09:00,165 --> 00:09:01,666 That's nice. 172 00:09:01,750 --> 00:09:04,836 Now what you want to do is take your fingers and just put-- 173 00:09:04,919 --> 00:09:07,338 [saxophone playing] 174 00:09:07,422 --> 00:09:08,923 What is that sound? 175 00:09:09,007 --> 00:09:10,925 [saxophone continues] 176 00:09:11,009 --> 00:09:12,469 It couldn't be. 177 00:09:13,303 --> 00:09:14,512 Bolton. 178 00:09:15,472 --> 00:09:16,473 Kenny G. 179 00:09:16,556 --> 00:09:18,391 Surprised to see me? 180 00:09:18,475 --> 00:09:19,642 [plays notes] 181 00:09:19,726 --> 00:09:21,978 Not as surprised as I am to see you still haven't cut your hair. 182 00:09:22,062 --> 00:09:24,939 And I, in turn, am surprised that you have. 183 00:09:25,523 --> 00:09:28,943 For in our locks lies the strength of Samson. 184 00:09:29,027 --> 00:09:32,238 You were once a brave warrior in the tribe of Long Locksmen, 185 00:09:32,322 --> 00:09:34,074 which is a thing! 186 00:09:34,157 --> 00:09:36,367 [plays notes] 187 00:09:36,451 --> 00:09:38,995 That was a long time ago. I have forsaken that life. 188 00:09:39,079 --> 00:09:40,872 I'm a Short-hair now. 189 00:09:40,955 --> 00:09:44,793 You and so many others. Meat Loaf. 190 00:09:44,876 --> 00:09:45,877 [plays single note] 191 00:09:45,960 --> 00:09:47,003 Billy Ray Cyrus. 192 00:09:47,087 --> 00:09:48,088 [plays single note] 193 00:09:48,171 --> 00:09:49,923 All four dudes in Metallica. 194 00:09:50,006 --> 00:09:51,758 [plays four notes] 195 00:09:51,841 --> 00:09:55,095 Yanni hanging on by a fucking thread! 196 00:09:55,178 --> 00:09:56,846 [plays three notes] 197 00:09:56,930 --> 00:09:58,890 I'm doing a toot for each one of the dudes. 198 00:09:58,973 --> 00:10:00,225 Yeah, I got that. 199 00:10:00,308 --> 00:10:01,810 You betrayed your true nature, 200 00:10:01,893 --> 00:10:05,897 and for that, I shall destroy you. 201 00:10:05,980 --> 00:10:07,690 Fine. Let's do this. 202 00:10:07,774 --> 00:10:11,528 Whoa! Chill! I meant with music, man. What is with you and the guns? 203 00:10:11,611 --> 00:10:12,612 What gun? 204 00:10:12,695 --> 00:10:14,572 -[gunshot] -[cat yowls] 205 00:10:14,656 --> 00:10:16,950 I'm sorry. Can we stop? You just killed a cat. 206 00:10:17,033 --> 00:10:18,535 I don't think so. 207 00:10:18,618 --> 00:10:20,453 No, you threw your gun, then we heard a bang, 208 00:10:20,537 --> 00:10:22,705 -and then a cat screamed. -No, you're mistaken. 209 00:10:22,789 --> 00:10:25,041 I can see cat blood all over the wall! 210 00:10:25,125 --> 00:10:26,417 That was there before. 211 00:10:26,501 --> 00:10:29,671 The wall covered in cat blood was there before? 212 00:10:29,754 --> 00:10:31,339 Can I help you with something, Kenny? 213 00:10:31,422 --> 00:10:34,342 Prepare yourself for the Duel of Kings. 214 00:10:34,425 --> 00:10:39,889 May all mortals rejoice as we regale them with the music of the gods. 215 00:10:39,973 --> 00:10:41,182 [inhales deeply] 216 00:10:41,266 --> 00:10:45,478 [playing "Dueling Banjos"] 217 00:10:45,562 --> 00:10:49,315 [vocalizing "Dueling Banjos"] 218 00:10:50,775 --> 00:10:52,861 [continues playing] 219 00:10:54,445 --> 00:10:56,489 Not bad for a horn man. 220 00:10:56,573 --> 00:11:00,702 [continues vocalizing] 221 00:11:00,785 --> 00:11:02,203 [grunts] 222 00:11:02,287 --> 00:11:04,873 [continues playing] 223 00:11:04,956 --> 00:11:09,502 [continues vocalizing] 224 00:11:09,586 --> 00:11:11,212 [inhales deeply] 225 00:11:11,296 --> 00:11:14,716 [both continue playing and vocalizing] 226 00:11:36,070 --> 00:11:37,280 Well, isn't that funny? 227 00:11:37,363 --> 00:11:41,409 What started as a duel ended in a chill jam sesh. 228 00:11:41,492 --> 00:11:42,619 They always do. 229 00:11:42,702 --> 00:11:44,120 I'll take my leave of you. 230 00:11:44,203 --> 00:11:47,749 But remember always the word of the Locksmen Prophecy: 231 00:11:47,832 --> 00:11:52,587 "Only in your darkest hour shall your locks spring forth." 232 00:11:52,670 --> 00:11:54,797 Cool. Well, see you later, Kenny. 233 00:11:54,881 --> 00:11:55,882 Okay! 234 00:12:01,554 --> 00:12:03,014 Assholes. 235 00:12:03,097 --> 00:12:04,390 [cheering and applauding] 236 00:12:12,982 --> 00:12:15,818 If you're looking for the perfect gift for your true love, 237 00:12:15,902 --> 00:12:18,863 look no further than Custom Chocolatiers. 238 00:12:18,947 --> 00:12:22,951 I paid a visit to their workshop in Solvang for a sneak-peek. 239 00:12:23,743 --> 00:12:26,287 [Peter Salanz] Custom Chocolatiers is a special place. 240 00:12:26,371 --> 00:12:27,956 People like things personalized, 241 00:12:28,039 --> 00:12:30,875 tailored to their own specific tastes. We can do that. 242 00:12:30,959 --> 00:12:33,044 We do do that. 243 00:12:33,127 --> 00:12:34,671 Why don't you tell me a little bit about your girlfriend, 244 00:12:34,754 --> 00:12:38,257 and I'll use that information to design the perfect assortment? 245 00:12:38,341 --> 00:12:43,096 Well, let's see. She's a bold woman. She's very strong, very passionate. 246 00:12:43,179 --> 00:12:45,807 She's refined. She sort of enjoys the finer things in life. 247 00:12:45,890 --> 00:12:46,891 Oh. 248 00:12:46,975 --> 00:12:49,811 But she's not afraid to have a little fun. She's worldly. 249 00:12:49,894 --> 00:12:55,108 Worldly? Does your lady like nougat? 250 00:12:55,191 --> 00:12:56,734 Hmm. I'm not sure. 251 00:12:57,944 --> 00:12:58,987 All right. 252 00:12:59,070 --> 00:13:01,489 We've got these candies. You've seen these before. 253 00:13:01,572 --> 00:13:03,866 You can inscribe whatever you want. We custom-make these. 254 00:13:03,950 --> 00:13:07,078 You can do: "Hey, sweetie, I love your style," 255 00:13:07,161 --> 00:13:09,664 "Ooh, mama, you're really turning me on over here," 256 00:13:09,747 --> 00:13:13,084 "Yo, hit me up online, I'll shoot you an email sometime, honey." 257 00:13:13,167 --> 00:13:18,089 Every example I've given is too big to fit on a little candy like this, 258 00:13:18,172 --> 00:13:19,674 so maybe just use what we have already. 259 00:13:19,757 --> 00:13:22,176 [man] I think sometimes she puts on a tough exterior, 260 00:13:22,260 --> 00:13:25,471 but I know that inside she's got a soft center. 261 00:13:25,555 --> 00:13:28,766 -Does she like toffee? -I don't think so. 262 00:13:28,850 --> 00:13:33,062 She's sweet, but she's kind of got a dark sense of humor, dry. 263 00:13:33,146 --> 00:13:34,689 You've got to give me something to work with. 264 00:13:34,772 --> 00:13:37,483 I'm looking at my kit. I've got walnut, coconut cream. 265 00:13:37,567 --> 00:13:39,235 I've got some cherry cordials. 266 00:13:39,319 --> 00:13:40,528 Well, she's very cordial. 267 00:13:42,280 --> 00:13:44,490 You know, why don't we do this? Let's just do 12 plains. 268 00:13:44,574 --> 00:13:46,284 Oh, okay. 269 00:13:46,367 --> 00:13:49,037 When you present this to her, there's different ways you can do it. 270 00:13:49,120 --> 00:13:53,708 Okay? You could do sort of 1920s, like, sort of little boy, like... 271 00:13:54,667 --> 00:13:56,044 [high-pitched gibberish] 272 00:13:56,127 --> 00:13:58,129 You know, just make it seem bigger than you. 273 00:13:58,212 --> 00:13:59,630 [high-pitched] Here you go. 274 00:13:59,714 --> 00:14:01,466 You could a tough-guy version. 275 00:14:01,549 --> 00:14:03,593 Eat that! There's chocolate in there! 276 00:14:04,260 --> 00:14:06,637 There's also magic, which is, like-- 277 00:14:06,721 --> 00:14:08,514 It's floating like this, 278 00:14:08,598 --> 00:14:11,267 and in CGI, you can just take-- this can all come out. 279 00:14:11,350 --> 00:14:14,979 First, get this as a still, and then it floats. 280 00:14:15,063 --> 00:14:18,357 So, you're just kind of, like, "Hey, sweetie. Happy Valentine's Day." 281 00:14:20,777 --> 00:14:22,862 -Okay. -Another service we have here is, 282 00:14:22,945 --> 00:14:25,156 if you got a box of chocolates from someplace else 283 00:14:25,239 --> 00:14:27,325 and it's all jumbled up, you don't know what's inside, 284 00:14:27,408 --> 00:14:29,452 we have an ultrasound machine. 285 00:14:29,535 --> 00:14:31,662 So, bring it in, 286 00:14:31,746 --> 00:14:35,666 and I will be able to identify it for you. 287 00:14:35,750 --> 00:14:37,710 And this one is... 288 00:14:39,420 --> 00:14:40,463 plain. 289 00:14:41,214 --> 00:14:42,840 All right, that's everything. 290 00:14:42,924 --> 00:14:45,551 I'd like to offer you a complimentary chocolate water. 291 00:14:45,635 --> 00:14:47,845 -Oh. -And we're all set here. 292 00:14:47,929 --> 00:14:50,390 So, that is 12 plains. 293 00:14:51,349 --> 00:14:53,810 -Oh, it's all melted. -Oh. 294 00:14:53,893 --> 00:14:56,521 [Peter] Many people don't realize that this customization 295 00:14:56,604 --> 00:14:58,981 makes it a lot harder on the manufacturer. 296 00:14:59,065 --> 00:15:01,025 So, even though it's Custom Chocolatiers, 297 00:15:01,109 --> 00:15:04,529 we strongly suggest that you choose one of our standard options. 298 00:15:04,612 --> 00:15:06,447 It makes it much better for the both of us. 299 00:15:07,156 --> 00:15:10,368 [Michael] And that's the story of Custom Chocolatiers. 300 00:15:12,245 --> 00:15:14,247 Why did I go all the way to Solvang? 301 00:15:14,330 --> 00:15:16,916 They didn't even cut to me once during the entire video. 302 00:15:16,999 --> 00:15:18,584 [cheering and applauding] 303 00:15:21,087 --> 00:15:23,131 Isn't tonight fantastic? 304 00:15:23,214 --> 00:15:26,342 Looks like a lot of you are making babies out there, which is great. 305 00:15:26,426 --> 00:15:27,927 But don't stop now. 306 00:15:28,010 --> 00:15:30,388 -You know, I was just thinking how-- -Hey, Bolton! 307 00:15:31,264 --> 00:15:33,057 This show fucking blows, man! 308 00:15:33,641 --> 00:15:37,937 Hmm. It seems as though a group of punks have infiltrated our studio. 309 00:15:38,020 --> 00:15:41,315 -So, you don't like my show, huh? -Yeah. It sucks ass! 310 00:15:41,399 --> 00:15:43,985 -I guess you think it's kind of hokey. -No duh! 311 00:15:44,068 --> 00:15:46,279 -Perhaps even a little uncool? -Shit yeah! 312 00:15:46,362 --> 00:15:48,906 Well, I think I have something a bit more up your alley. 313 00:15:48,990 --> 00:15:50,074 Hit it! 314 00:15:50,158 --> 00:15:52,368 [rock music playing] 315 00:15:52,452 --> 00:15:55,705 ♪ Just take those old records Off the shelf ♪ 316 00:15:56,414 --> 00:15:59,500 ♪ I'll sit and listen to them By myself ♪ 317 00:16:00,251 --> 00:16:03,713 ♪ Today's music ain't got The same soul ♪ 318 00:16:03,796 --> 00:16:07,258 ♪ I like that old time rock and roll ♪ 319 00:16:08,009 --> 00:16:10,970 ♪ Don't try and take me to a disco ♪ 320 00:16:11,971 --> 00:16:14,807 ♪ You'll never even get me out On the floor ♪ 321 00:16:15,641 --> 00:16:19,228 ♪ In ten minutes I'll be late for the door ♪ 322 00:16:19,979 --> 00:16:23,191 ♪ I like that old time rock and roll ♪ 323 00:16:23,274 --> 00:16:27,361 ♪ Still like that old time Rock and roll ♪ 324 00:16:27,445 --> 00:16:29,363 ♪ That kind of music Just soothes the soul ♪ 325 00:16:29,447 --> 00:16:30,781 He's not even gonna drink it! 326 00:16:30,865 --> 00:16:34,452 ♪ I reminisce about the days of old ♪ 327 00:16:35,495 --> 00:16:38,498 ♪ With that old time rock and roll ♪ 328 00:16:39,248 --> 00:16:40,875 [vocalizing] 329 00:16:40,958 --> 00:16:43,085 [electric guitar solo] 330 00:16:46,380 --> 00:16:47,882 [playing saxophone solo] 331 00:16:51,969 --> 00:16:54,972 -No, you've got to hit that spin, Michael. -I'm trying. 332 00:16:55,056 --> 00:16:57,725 You're not trying hard enough. Do it again from the top. 333 00:16:57,808 --> 00:16:59,101 Five, six, seven, eight... 334 00:16:59,185 --> 00:17:00,853 [classical music playing] 335 00:17:00,937 --> 00:17:03,523 You've got to hit that! Don't fucking mess with me! 336 00:17:03,606 --> 00:17:07,193 You get this spin like your life depends on it! 337 00:17:07,276 --> 00:17:08,486 Five, six, seven, eight... 338 00:17:08,569 --> 00:17:11,405 No. You lean in, then you point. 339 00:17:11,489 --> 00:17:14,742 -Point, then lean in? -No! Lean, then point. 340 00:17:14,825 --> 00:17:16,744 Think of those fucking punks out there 341 00:17:16,827 --> 00:17:19,330 and make them scared of real rock and roll! 342 00:17:19,413 --> 00:17:22,625 Don't touch the piano! What are you, fucking crazy?! 343 00:17:22,708 --> 00:17:25,628 You tease it. You tease it. You don't press the keys. 344 00:17:25,711 --> 00:17:29,632 Make those punks fear you! Give it to me! Give it to me! 345 00:17:29,715 --> 00:17:32,885 And when they come for you-- and believe me, they will come for you-- 346 00:17:32,969 --> 00:17:38,849 this performance will be the only thing to prove that Michael Bolton is cool! 347 00:17:38,933 --> 00:17:41,894 How do you actually know the punks will show up? 348 00:17:41,978 --> 00:17:45,064 Oh, they'll show up. They always show up. 349 00:17:45,147 --> 00:17:49,902 Pick up the milkshake, take two steps, put down the milkshake. Do not drink it. 350 00:17:49,986 --> 00:17:53,155 Stop! You've only got four weeks, people! 351 00:17:53,239 --> 00:17:54,574 [chair clatters] 352 00:17:54,657 --> 00:17:57,910 And then we step across and we see there's a second guitar photo. 353 00:17:57,994 --> 00:18:00,746 -Why? -To fuck with their heads. 354 00:18:00,830 --> 00:18:06,002 After much consideration, I have decided that the dancing musical note 355 00:18:06,085 --> 00:18:07,837 will be played by... 356 00:18:09,088 --> 00:18:10,256 Alan. 357 00:18:11,299 --> 00:18:13,050 Oh! 358 00:18:13,134 --> 00:18:14,427 [cheering and applauding] 359 00:18:14,510 --> 00:18:17,096 It just seems like there's such a small chance of punks barging in. 360 00:18:17,179 --> 00:18:18,931 There's still a chance! 361 00:18:19,015 --> 00:18:21,142 You have one more time, one more go at this. 362 00:18:21,225 --> 00:18:23,144 Five, six, seven, eight... 363 00:18:23,811 --> 00:18:27,440 ♪ Still like that old time Rock and roll ♪ 364 00:18:28,316 --> 00:18:31,068 ♪ That kind of music Just soothes my soul ♪ 365 00:18:32,069 --> 00:18:35,448 ♪ I reminisce about the days of old ♪ 366 00:18:36,032 --> 00:18:39,285 ♪ With that old time rock and roll ♪ 367 00:18:40,870 --> 00:18:43,539 [vocalizing] 368 00:18:43,623 --> 00:18:44,624 [song ends] 369 00:18:44,707 --> 00:18:46,792 So, what do you punks have to say now? 370 00:18:46,876 --> 00:18:50,504 That... was... badass! 371 00:18:50,588 --> 00:18:51,922 That's what I thought. 372 00:18:52,006 --> 00:18:53,799 [song resumes] 373 00:18:55,343 --> 00:18:57,011 [playing saxophone solo] 374 00:19:01,015 --> 00:19:02,725 [song ends, applause] 375 00:19:07,271 --> 00:19:10,733 Oh, Romeo, my man, I like your style. 376 00:19:11,651 --> 00:19:14,487 And now, here to tell us about the future of romance, 377 00:19:14,570 --> 00:19:18,282 virtual reality expert Dr. Vince Harbert. 378 00:19:18,366 --> 00:19:19,450 Thank you, Michael. 379 00:19:19,533 --> 00:19:23,454 Yes, my team and I design virtual erotic simulations, 380 00:19:23,537 --> 00:19:25,289 and I brought one for you to try right now. 381 00:19:25,373 --> 00:19:27,416 -Jack me in, Doc. -All right. 382 00:19:27,500 --> 00:19:28,834 Let's get this on you. 383 00:19:30,836 --> 00:19:31,921 All right. 384 00:19:32,004 --> 00:19:33,047 [beeping and whirring] 385 00:19:33,130 --> 00:19:34,965 [Michael] Wow. This is incredible. 386 00:19:35,049 --> 00:19:37,218 [Vince Harbert] And it only gets better. Watch. 387 00:19:38,844 --> 00:19:42,056 [Michael] Oh, mama. What have we here? 388 00:19:42,848 --> 00:19:45,643 -Hello. -I've been waiting for you. 389 00:19:45,726 --> 00:19:48,062 ♪ Oh, yeah ♪ 390 00:19:48,938 --> 00:19:51,023 -Wait, what? -Don't forget your pill. 391 00:19:51,107 --> 00:19:53,984 -My pill? -She means your Cialis. 392 00:19:54,068 --> 00:19:56,153 I have to take Cialis in virtual reality? 393 00:19:56,237 --> 00:20:00,366 Yes. We found it was beneficial to add some real-world obstacles into the VR. 394 00:20:00,449 --> 00:20:03,786 It makes the simulation more immersive and, well, sexy. 395 00:20:03,869 --> 00:20:06,706 Okay. Hmm. Where are they? 396 00:20:07,456 --> 00:20:08,999 Maybe I'll try these drawers. 397 00:20:10,126 --> 00:20:11,460 Let's find those pills. 398 00:20:12,253 --> 00:20:14,964 Hurry, baby. I want you so badly. 399 00:20:15,047 --> 00:20:17,800 [Michael] I am hurrying. Come on. 400 00:20:19,218 --> 00:20:20,928 Oh, got 'em. 401 00:20:22,763 --> 00:20:25,057 All right, there they are. 402 00:20:26,767 --> 00:20:30,271 -What? Empty? -You need to get a refill at the pharmacy. 403 00:20:30,354 --> 00:20:33,274 -I have to refill the prescription? -Yep. And... 404 00:20:33,357 --> 00:20:34,358 [beeping and whirring] 405 00:20:34,442 --> 00:20:39,071 -[Vince] Here we are. -Okay, it looks pretty normal. Oh, wow. 406 00:20:39,155 --> 00:20:40,948 Why, hello, Mr. Bolton. 407 00:20:41,031 --> 00:20:44,243 -Well, this is an interesting turn. -It certainly is. 408 00:20:44,326 --> 00:20:45,745 I'll get your prescription. 409 00:20:50,791 --> 00:20:51,709 Okay. 410 00:20:53,836 --> 00:20:55,129 Thank you very much. 411 00:20:55,212 --> 00:20:57,089 -What? -$22.50. 412 00:20:57,673 --> 00:20:59,759 All right, now you have to pay. Get out your wallet 413 00:20:59,842 --> 00:21:01,552 and swipe your debit card. 414 00:21:02,762 --> 00:21:05,181 [Michael] Are you kidding me? Declined? 415 00:21:05,264 --> 00:21:06,766 Give me a break. 416 00:21:06,849 --> 00:21:09,643 -Well, maybe try a different card. -I only have the one. 417 00:21:09,727 --> 00:21:11,687 Okay, why don't you just pay cash? 418 00:21:13,689 --> 00:21:15,733 [Vince] Great! You've got your Cialis. 419 00:21:15,816 --> 00:21:17,860 Let's head out into the parking lot. Get in your car. 420 00:21:17,943 --> 00:21:20,321 Start the engine. Back out slowly. 421 00:21:20,404 --> 00:21:23,032 -Oops! You spilled coffee on you! -Oh, God! 422 00:21:23,115 --> 00:21:26,160 Pull out of the parking lot, and we're gonna get on the expressway. 423 00:21:26,243 --> 00:21:28,662 And now you're home. 424 00:21:29,538 --> 00:21:32,208 [Michael] Finally. Let's get this party started. 425 00:21:32,291 --> 00:21:36,170 I missed you. Come here and give it to me, big boy. 426 00:21:37,087 --> 00:21:39,548 Your wish is my command. 427 00:21:40,216 --> 00:21:41,217 [moans] 428 00:21:41,300 --> 00:21:43,803 Hey! Hands off my wife, you son of a bitch! 429 00:21:43,886 --> 00:21:46,263 [Michael] What the-- ow! Ow! 430 00:21:48,224 --> 00:21:49,850 What the hell are you doing? 431 00:21:49,934 --> 00:21:52,770 I'm sorry, Michael, but that's my wife that I put into the simulation, 432 00:21:52,853 --> 00:21:54,480 and I'm not just gonna sit here 433 00:21:54,563 --> 00:21:56,899 and let myself get cucked by the likes of you! 434 00:21:56,982 --> 00:21:58,108 [grunting] 435 00:21:58,859 --> 00:21:59,860 Get him! 436 00:21:59,944 --> 00:22:01,278 Ow! 437 00:22:01,362 --> 00:22:03,280 Oh! Yes! 438 00:22:03,364 --> 00:22:04,490 Ow! 439 00:22:04,573 --> 00:22:08,911 Oh, baby, it is so hot watching you beat up Michael Bolton. 440 00:22:14,166 --> 00:22:15,292 All right. 441 00:22:15,376 --> 00:22:17,127 [moaning] 442 00:22:17,211 --> 00:22:18,212 Yeah. 443 00:22:18,295 --> 00:22:20,297 I'm just gonna leave you to it. 444 00:22:20,381 --> 00:22:22,216 [moaning continues] 445 00:22:26,428 --> 00:22:28,138 Yeah, baby. Yeah, baby! 446 00:22:28,222 --> 00:22:29,348 [groans] 447 00:22:29,431 --> 00:22:31,100 [cheering and applauding] 448 00:22:31,183 --> 00:22:35,396 Have you tried saying things to each other that are not trite and mundane? 449 00:22:35,479 --> 00:22:37,982 You know, perhaps thinking outside the bun. 450 00:22:38,065 --> 00:22:39,817 No, I made that payment last week. 451 00:22:40,526 --> 00:22:42,403 No, I gave-- how'd you find me? 452 00:22:43,320 --> 00:22:44,321 Ladies and gentlemen... 453 00:22:44,405 --> 00:22:47,157 ♪ Maya Rudolph ♪ 454 00:22:47,241 --> 00:22:49,410 Music is the language of love, y'all, 455 00:22:49,493 --> 00:22:51,829 and sometimes the right tune is all you need 456 00:22:51,912 --> 00:22:54,456 to get you dancing and romancing. 457 00:22:55,374 --> 00:22:59,920 ♪ The night is a bore There's no love on the floor ♪ 458 00:23:00,004 --> 00:23:04,425 ♪ Even booze can't do the trick You need to give the song a kick ♪ 459 00:23:04,508 --> 00:23:08,304 ♪ And so ♪ 460 00:23:08,387 --> 00:23:09,430 [key changes] 461 00:23:09,513 --> 00:23:12,683 ♪ You're gonna want to do A key change, baby ♪ 462 00:23:12,766 --> 00:23:17,062 ♪ Shit is getting steamy now 'Cause the key change, baby ♪ 463 00:23:17,146 --> 00:23:22,234 ♪ Motherfuckers getting creamy 'Cause of the key change, baby ♪ 464 00:23:22,318 --> 00:23:24,445 But why stop there? Yeah. 465 00:23:24,528 --> 00:23:25,529 [key changing] 466 00:23:25,613 --> 00:23:28,574 ♪ Let's give it a key change, baby ♪ 467 00:23:28,657 --> 00:23:32,995 ♪ So hot now I'm about to pop With the key change, baby ♪ 468 00:23:33,078 --> 00:23:37,625 ♪ Skeet, skeet, skeet, Scooby-Dooby-Doo With the key change, baby ♪ 469 00:23:37,708 --> 00:23:42,212 ♪ If your house got robbed, you really Should get a key change, baby ♪ 470 00:23:42,296 --> 00:23:46,759 ♪ When Michael Jordan puts on new shoes That's a Nike change, baby ♪ 471 00:23:46,842 --> 00:23:51,221 ♪ Going from green to chamomile That's a tea change, baby ♪ 472 00:23:51,305 --> 00:23:53,932 ♪ I said "tea," not "key" I tricked you, suckers ♪ 473 00:23:54,016 --> 00:23:57,937 ♪ Key change, baby ♪ 474 00:23:58,437 --> 00:23:59,521 ♪ Key change, baby ♪ 475 00:23:59,605 --> 00:24:00,606 [key changing higher] 476 00:24:00,689 --> 00:24:02,816 ♪ Key change, baby ♪ 477 00:24:02,900 --> 00:24:06,236 ♪ Key change, key change, key change ♪ 478 00:24:06,320 --> 00:24:09,823 ♪ Key change, key change, key change ♪ 479 00:24:09,907 --> 00:24:12,409 ♪ Key change, key change ♪ 480 00:24:12,493 --> 00:24:14,662 [holding high note] 481 00:24:16,789 --> 00:24:18,749 ♪ Key change, baby ♪ 482 00:24:18,832 --> 00:24:20,918 ♪ You can also go to a lower key ♪ 483 00:24:21,001 --> 00:24:23,921 ♪ It's a key change, baby ♪ 484 00:24:24,004 --> 00:24:28,759 ♪ And that's the story Of the key change, baby ♪ 485 00:24:28,842 --> 00:24:32,179 [vocalizing in descending keys] 486 00:24:34,473 --> 00:24:36,225 [vocalizing in very low register] 487 00:24:40,020 --> 00:24:41,146 [cheering and applauding] 488 00:24:42,356 --> 00:24:45,150 [Michael] ♪ Don't get caught in the fire ♪ 489 00:24:46,652 --> 00:24:48,862 I, for one, have worked up an appetite. 490 00:24:48,946 --> 00:24:52,032 Please welcome celebrity chef Chef Roy. 491 00:24:52,116 --> 00:24:55,160 -What have you got for us? -Well, Mike, I'll give you a hint, 492 00:24:55,244 --> 00:24:56,704 and it rhymes with "bake." 493 00:24:56,787 --> 00:24:59,373 I'm talking cake. 494 00:24:59,456 --> 00:25:03,544 I have a brand-new line of Chef Roy's Bakery Delights 495 00:25:03,627 --> 00:25:04,962 available at your local grocer, 496 00:25:05,045 --> 00:25:11,093 including this limited-edition Valentine's Day pink champagne cake. 497 00:25:11,176 --> 00:25:14,763 Well, we've got a few lucky volunteers to help us give this thing a taste. 498 00:25:14,847 --> 00:25:18,434 Come on out, guys. Dianne, Ben, Susan, Darryl. 499 00:25:18,517 --> 00:25:19,727 Let's dig in, gang. 500 00:25:19,810 --> 00:25:22,229 -Get in there. -All right. 501 00:25:22,312 --> 00:25:24,648 Wow, Roy, you have really outdone yourself. 502 00:25:24,732 --> 00:25:25,983 Mmm. That's good. 503 00:25:26,066 --> 00:25:32,156 Ah, look at Susan. She's going, "Um, can every day be Valentine's Day?" 504 00:25:32,239 --> 00:25:34,366 [laughing] 505 00:25:34,450 --> 00:25:36,535 -I am like that. I am. -And look at Ben. 506 00:25:36,618 --> 00:25:40,831 Ben's going, "Cake? Uh, yeah, I don't mind if I do." 507 00:25:40,914 --> 00:25:42,291 I've been nailed. 508 00:25:43,167 --> 00:25:47,588 Oh! Look at Dianne. She's all, like, "I guess today's my cheat day." 509 00:25:48,630 --> 00:25:49,757 Good one. 510 00:25:50,507 --> 00:25:55,929 Oh, look at Darryl. He's going, "Cake? I think I just busted a nut in my pants!" 511 00:25:56,013 --> 00:25:57,014 [laughing] 512 00:25:57,097 --> 00:25:58,515 Yeah. 513 00:25:58,599 --> 00:25:59,892 What? 514 00:25:59,975 --> 00:26:02,644 Even Michael's going, "Hey, if there's gonna be cake, 515 00:26:02,728 --> 00:26:04,646 I'm gonna do more holiday specials." 516 00:26:04,730 --> 00:26:05,898 That's true. 517 00:26:06,690 --> 00:26:08,609 Dianne. Look at her. Look at Dianne. 518 00:26:08,692 --> 00:26:11,320 She's going, "Well, I guess I'm off my diet today." 519 00:26:11,403 --> 00:26:13,280 I guess so. 520 00:26:13,363 --> 00:26:17,826 Look at Darryl. He's going, "And I pretty much just shot in my pants. 521 00:26:17,910 --> 00:26:18,952 Not joking." 522 00:26:19,745 --> 00:26:21,205 No, I'm not like that. 523 00:26:21,288 --> 00:26:25,501 Ben! Ben's all, "Me Tarzan. You cake." 524 00:26:25,584 --> 00:26:26,960 [laughing] 525 00:26:27,044 --> 00:26:28,837 Look at Darryl. He's going, "Cake's good and all, 526 00:26:28,921 --> 00:26:31,006 but I'd rather be jacking it!" 527 00:26:31,089 --> 00:26:33,258 Darryl, please, that's not appropriate. 528 00:26:33,342 --> 00:26:36,011 -I didn't say that. -You were thinking it. 529 00:26:36,094 --> 00:26:38,764 Susan's going, "Okay, that just got weird!" 530 00:26:38,847 --> 00:26:42,726 Michael's going, "Hey, I didn't sign on for this!" 531 00:26:42,810 --> 00:26:43,852 I really didn't. 532 00:26:43,936 --> 00:26:46,855 And look at Darryl. He's going, "Cake's good and all, 533 00:26:46,939 --> 00:26:48,899 but I'd rather eat Dianne's butt!" 534 00:26:48,982 --> 00:26:51,276 -Darryl! -What the hell, man? 535 00:26:51,360 --> 00:26:52,736 Everybody, please, please. 536 00:26:52,820 --> 00:26:55,405 I'm sorry we only have cake, Darryl, and you can't just eat my butt. 537 00:26:55,489 --> 00:26:57,574 Darryl, what do you have to say for yourself? 538 00:26:57,658 --> 00:26:59,076 I'll tell you what I have to say... 539 00:27:00,118 --> 00:27:01,954 It's all true, okay? 540 00:27:02,037 --> 00:27:07,376 Yeah, I thought it all! Chef Roy, he got every dirty detail: 541 00:27:07,459 --> 00:27:10,462 Busting in my pants, wishing I was jacking it, 542 00:27:10,546 --> 00:27:12,714 wanting to eat Susan's butt! 543 00:27:12,798 --> 00:27:15,509 Wait, he said you wanted to eat Dianne's butt, not Susan's. 544 00:27:15,592 --> 00:27:18,887 Newsflash: It's both, baby. 545 00:27:18,971 --> 00:27:20,180 [screaming] 546 00:27:20,264 --> 00:27:21,390 Piece of shit! 547 00:27:21,473 --> 00:27:24,852 Ohh! Such a piece of shit! 548 00:27:24,935 --> 00:27:29,439 Well, I want to thank Chef Roy for sharing his delicious pink champagne cake with us. 549 00:27:29,523 --> 00:27:34,069 Happy Valentine's Day from me-- celebrity chef Chef Roy. 550 00:27:34,152 --> 00:27:35,487 [cheering and applauding] 551 00:27:36,488 --> 00:27:39,575 [Michael] ♪ Oh, baby ♪ 552 00:27:39,658 --> 00:27:43,120 Okay, those baby-making numbers are coming along nicely, 553 00:27:43,203 --> 00:27:46,498 but we need 75,000, so keep at it, everybody. 554 00:27:46,582 --> 00:27:48,375 Do you want to disappoint Santa? 555 00:27:49,084 --> 00:27:53,839 Okay, then get out there, find a woman and impregnate her. 556 00:27:54,756 --> 00:27:57,384 Okay, love you, too, Dad. Okay, bye. 557 00:27:59,469 --> 00:28:03,515 ♪ When the night has come ♪ 558 00:28:04,850 --> 00:28:07,144 ♪ And the land is dark ♪ 559 00:28:07,686 --> 00:28:13,567 ♪ And the moon Is the only light we'll see ♪ 560 00:28:14,526 --> 00:28:17,029 "Stand by Me." What a tune. 561 00:28:17,112 --> 00:28:20,324 Always makes me think of the important people in my life, 562 00:28:20,407 --> 00:28:22,367 the ones I can depend on. 563 00:28:22,451 --> 00:28:27,164 And nobody exemplifies that more than my own twin brother Michael Fulton. 564 00:28:27,247 --> 00:28:29,374 -Hey. -Hey, bro. 565 00:28:30,334 --> 00:28:33,378 Oh, man. I'm Michael's identical twin brother, 566 00:28:33,462 --> 00:28:35,464 and we are exactly alike in every way. 567 00:28:35,547 --> 00:28:36,924 Ain't that the truth. 568 00:28:37,007 --> 00:28:41,345 And the thing about twin brothers is we've always got each other's... backs. 569 00:28:41,428 --> 00:28:42,471 In other words... 570 00:28:42,554 --> 00:28:45,891 [singing badly] ♪ No, I won't be afraid ♪ 571 00:28:45,974 --> 00:28:50,229 ♪ Oh, I won't be afraid ♪ 572 00:28:50,312 --> 00:28:52,356 ♪ As long ♪ 573 00:28:52,439 --> 00:28:54,066 ♪ As you stand ♪ 574 00:28:54,149 --> 00:28:57,361 ♪ Stand by me ♪ 575 00:28:57,444 --> 00:28:58,445 ♪ Hey ♪ 576 00:28:58,528 --> 00:29:00,864 -Nice job, bro. -Thanks, Michael. 577 00:29:00,948 --> 00:29:03,158 As you may have noticed, I'm not the best singer. 578 00:29:03,242 --> 00:29:04,910 That happens with twins sometimes. 579 00:29:04,993 --> 00:29:08,205 Certain talents go to one brother, and other talents go to the other brother. 580 00:29:08,288 --> 00:29:11,833 And I guess you could say that Michael got the voice. 581 00:29:11,917 --> 00:29:15,170 He also got the looks. He also got the physique. 582 00:29:15,254 --> 00:29:17,256 And he also got the charisma. 583 00:29:17,339 --> 00:29:19,466 He also got the normal amount of testicles. 584 00:29:19,549 --> 00:29:21,134 Two, three, four... 585 00:29:21,218 --> 00:29:23,011 ♪ So, darling, darling ♪ 586 00:29:23,095 --> 00:29:26,390 ♪ Stand by me ♪ 587 00:29:26,473 --> 00:29:30,394 ♪ Oh, stand by me ♪ 588 00:29:30,477 --> 00:29:33,105 ♪ Oh, stand, now ♪ 589 00:29:34,273 --> 00:29:36,316 ♪ Stand by me ♪ 590 00:29:36,400 --> 00:29:38,944 -Uh, Mike? -Yeah, bro. 591 00:29:39,736 --> 00:29:42,906 Uh... what do I have going for me? 592 00:29:44,324 --> 00:29:47,911 I mean, I've just been racking my brain, and it just keeps coming up blank. 593 00:29:47,995 --> 00:29:49,955 I mean, am I just a fuck-up? 594 00:29:50,038 --> 00:29:53,917 Of course not. You're-- You're a great driver. 595 00:29:54,001 --> 00:29:56,295 Oh, my God, you're right. I am a good driver. 596 00:29:56,378 --> 00:29:59,131 I forgot. I'm not, like, a professional or anything. 597 00:29:59,214 --> 00:30:03,051 I'm no racecar driver, but I'm pretty good when I'm driving my Scion. 598 00:30:03,135 --> 00:30:05,262 Sure you are. You always keep your hands on the wheel. 599 00:30:05,345 --> 00:30:08,890 I know. Ten and two, just like our parents taught us. 600 00:30:08,974 --> 00:30:10,434 Yeah, rest in peace, both. 601 00:30:11,310 --> 00:30:12,519 Two, three, four... 602 00:30:12,602 --> 00:30:15,105 ♪ So, darling, darling ♪ 603 00:30:15,188 --> 00:30:17,691 ♪ Stand by me ♪ 604 00:30:17,774 --> 00:30:22,362 -♪ Oh, stand by me ♪ -♪ Oh, stand right beside me, hey ♪ 605 00:30:22,446 --> 00:30:25,240 -♪ Oh, stand, now ♪ -♪ Oh, stand, oh ♪ 606 00:30:25,324 --> 00:30:28,201 -♪ Stand bisexual me ♪ -♪ Stand by me ♪ 607 00:30:28,285 --> 00:30:30,537 I'd love to stick around and sing several more songs, 608 00:30:30,620 --> 00:30:32,664 but I've got to go see a doctor about my strep throat. 609 00:30:32,748 --> 00:30:35,250 It took me forever to find a guy that I actually like. 610 00:30:35,334 --> 00:30:37,586 The rest were all foreigners and, like-- 611 00:30:37,669 --> 00:30:40,672 -Okay, off you go. -Can I borrow some money for a cab? 612 00:30:40,756 --> 00:30:43,884 I wrecked my Scion. Yeah. Drunk driving. 613 00:30:43,967 --> 00:30:45,177 -There you go. -Thank you. 614 00:30:45,260 --> 00:30:47,054 ♪ Bye, yeah ♪ 615 00:30:47,137 --> 00:30:49,264 My twin brother, everybody. 616 00:30:49,348 --> 00:30:50,432 [cheering and applauding] 617 00:30:50,515 --> 00:30:54,895 -[Michael] ♪ Oh, yeah ♪ -[bird screeches] 618 00:30:54,978 --> 00:30:58,899 Our next guest feels at home in the classiest place to meet a lady: 619 00:30:58,982 --> 00:31:00,484 a dance club. 620 00:31:00,567 --> 00:31:03,362 Ladies and gentlemen, Baby Archer. 621 00:31:04,237 --> 00:31:06,406 Aw, yeah! Thanks, MB. 622 00:31:06,490 --> 00:31:09,451 Dancing is a great way to meet people, am I right? 623 00:31:09,534 --> 00:31:13,580 But so often, I hear: "Baby Archer, I'm too dumb to dance." 624 00:31:13,663 --> 00:31:15,707 You dumb motherfucker, anybody can dance, 625 00:31:15,791 --> 00:31:16,875 even if you're dumb as shit! 626 00:31:16,958 --> 00:31:20,420 [Auto-Tuned] ♪ Hey, you all, I got a new dance ♪ 627 00:31:20,504 --> 00:31:24,049 ♪ It's called the Kupid Shufle Just give it a chance ♪ 628 00:31:24,132 --> 00:31:27,511 ♪ Step, step, front, front Step, step, back, back ♪ 629 00:31:27,594 --> 00:31:32,557 ♪ That's the first part Of the Kupid Shufle, Jack ♪ 630 00:31:32,641 --> 00:31:34,643 You know, a lot of people said there's already a Cupid Shuffle. 631 00:31:34,726 --> 00:31:37,479 But guess what? I wrote this song in international waters. 632 00:31:37,562 --> 00:31:39,898 I hopped on a goddamn boat 633 00:31:39,981 --> 00:31:43,235 and evaded the IRS like I'm L. Ron Hubbard, okay? 634 00:31:44,611 --> 00:31:46,029 And five, six, seven, eight... 635 00:31:46,113 --> 00:31:49,616 ♪ Okay, you all, we're almost there ♪ 636 00:31:49,699 --> 00:31:52,536 ♪ Shufle part two Do it if you dare ♪ 637 00:31:52,619 --> 00:31:56,373 ♪ Left, left, left, left Left, left, left, left ♪ 638 00:31:56,456 --> 00:31:59,751 ♪ Left, left, left, left Left, left, left, left ♪ 639 00:31:59,835 --> 00:32:03,130 ♪ Left, left, left, left Left, left, left, left ♪ 640 00:32:03,213 --> 00:32:06,633 ♪ Left, left, left, left Left, left, left, left ♪ 641 00:32:06,716 --> 00:32:10,011 ♪ Left, left, left, left Left, left, left, left ♪ 642 00:32:10,095 --> 00:32:14,141 ♪ Left, left, left, left Left, left, left, left, left, left... ♪ 643 00:32:14,224 --> 00:32:15,308 Is he all right? 644 00:32:15,392 --> 00:32:17,769 ♪ Left, left, left, left Left, left ♪ 645 00:32:17,853 --> 00:32:20,730 ♪ Left, left, left, left Left, left, left, left ♪ 646 00:32:20,814 --> 00:32:21,982 ♪ And stand ♪ 647 00:32:22,065 --> 00:32:23,525 [music continues] 648 00:32:34,244 --> 00:32:37,956 ♪ And that's the second part Of the Kupid Shufle, man ♪ 649 00:32:38,665 --> 00:32:40,500 Whoever booked this guy is fired. 650 00:32:40,584 --> 00:32:42,335 Bolton, get up here! Try it with me! 651 00:32:46,381 --> 00:32:48,967 Get your beautiful black ass up here. 652 00:32:49,050 --> 00:32:51,178 You handsome silver fox. 653 00:32:51,261 --> 00:32:54,306 Mmm! You're like a heterosexual Anderson Cooper. 654 00:32:54,389 --> 00:32:58,518 God damn. Now let me show you a cool-ass dance you can do. 655 00:32:58,602 --> 00:33:01,855 ♪ Feel your balls slap back and forth Michael Bolton ♪ 656 00:33:01,938 --> 00:33:05,233 ♪ Feel your balls slap back and forth Michael Bolton ♪ 657 00:33:05,317 --> 00:33:08,653 ♪ Feel your balls slap back and forth Michael Bolton ♪ 658 00:33:08,737 --> 00:33:11,990 ♪ I smell your pheromones Coming out your pee-pee hole ♪ 659 00:33:12,073 --> 00:33:16,453 ♪ I know you're excited Let's get the crowd ignited ♪ 660 00:33:16,536 --> 00:33:18,371 [Auto-Tuned vocalizing] 661 00:33:19,873 --> 00:33:24,002 None of that was the Kupid Shufle. Get off my stage! Now! Leave! 662 00:33:26,630 --> 00:33:28,798 Thanks, Michael. I want to thank everyone in Hollywood. 663 00:33:28,882 --> 00:33:31,718 I want to thank show business in general. It's just great. 664 00:33:31,801 --> 00:33:33,970 I love you. Have a good night. Happy Valentine's Day. 665 00:33:34,054 --> 00:33:35,805 [makes fart noise] 666 00:33:37,849 --> 00:33:41,061 Blow in her ear. That's good, yes. 667 00:33:41,144 --> 00:33:43,021 Oh, I like that, too. 668 00:33:43,104 --> 00:33:45,357 No, I'm sorry, ma'am, but for our purposes, 669 00:33:45,440 --> 00:33:47,692 it really doesn't count if you do it in the butt. 670 00:33:48,610 --> 00:33:51,738 I believe in two things: one, ghosts. 671 00:33:51,821 --> 00:33:55,325 And two, that there's somebody out there for everyone. 672 00:33:55,408 --> 00:33:57,702 For me, it's my Carmela. 673 00:33:57,786 --> 00:33:58,912 [bird screeches] 674 00:33:58,995 --> 00:34:00,372 [whispers] Carmela. 675 00:34:00,455 --> 00:34:02,415 I'll never forget how we met, waiting in line 676 00:34:02,499 --> 00:34:05,502 for the Pirates of the Caribbean attraction at Disneyland. 677 00:34:05,585 --> 00:34:07,879 What started as a swashbuckling flume ride 678 00:34:07,963 --> 00:34:11,424 designed to make even the most jaded thrill-seekers say, "Ahoy," 679 00:34:11,508 --> 00:34:14,010 became the starting point of our love. 680 00:34:14,719 --> 00:34:16,638 And it's not just her body I adore. 681 00:34:16,721 --> 00:34:20,058 I would be incredibly attracted to her even if she was just a mind, 682 00:34:20,141 --> 00:34:22,852 a mind that didn't have arms or legs or skin 683 00:34:22,936 --> 00:34:27,524 and just somehow floated around in a jar and communicated with me telepathically. 684 00:34:27,607 --> 00:34:32,445 This is all just a fancy way of saying I'm gonna ask Carmela to marry me. 685 00:34:32,529 --> 00:34:36,283 The love of my life will soon be my beloved wife. 686 00:34:36,366 --> 00:34:38,910 ♪ Marriage ♪ 687 00:34:39,911 --> 00:34:42,038 [cheering and applauding] 688 00:34:45,083 --> 00:34:47,544 [vocalizing] 689 00:34:52,841 --> 00:34:58,680 ♪ This is the tale Of Captain Jack Sparrow ♪ 690 00:34:58,763 --> 00:35:04,728 ♪ Pirate so brave On the seven seas ♪ 691 00:35:04,811 --> 00:35:10,609 ♪ A mystical quest To the Isle of Tortuga ♪ 692 00:35:10,692 --> 00:35:16,698 ♪ Raven locks sway On the ocean's breeze ♪ 693 00:35:18,491 --> 00:35:20,785 [vocalizing] 694 00:35:22,621 --> 00:35:28,335 ♪ From the day he was born He yearned for adventure ♪ 695 00:35:29,044 --> 00:35:34,466 ♪ Old Captain Jack Giving them what for ♪ 696 00:35:34,549 --> 00:35:40,472 ♪ He's the pauper of the surf The jester of Tortuga ♪ 697 00:35:40,555 --> 00:35:46,436 ♪ But is Davy Jones' Locker What lies in store? ♪ 698 00:35:47,062 --> 00:35:52,651 ♪ This is the tale Of the Disney Marauder ♪ 699 00:35:52,734 --> 00:35:58,698 ♪ The true pirate lord The crustacean king ♪ 700 00:35:58,782 --> 00:36:04,704 ♪ Dismissed as a fool And then hailed as a hero ♪ 701 00:36:04,788 --> 00:36:10,794 ♪ Sir Captain Jack Lives on inside you and me ♪ 702 00:36:11,544 --> 00:36:13,963 ♪ Literally ♪ 703 00:36:18,134 --> 00:36:19,636 [cheering and applauding] 704 00:36:27,727 --> 00:36:29,938 [Michael] Okay, let's take a look at our board. 705 00:36:30,021 --> 00:36:32,941 Wow! We just reached the 50,000 mark. 706 00:36:33,024 --> 00:36:35,235 We do need 75,000, though. 707 00:36:35,318 --> 00:36:38,405 We're so close. We need to keep going. If you need tips... 708 00:36:38,488 --> 00:36:41,366 Hello? Wally's Mattress. Yeah, I'm sorry about that. 709 00:36:41,449 --> 00:36:43,910 -[telephone rings] -Hang on. Hello? Wally's Mattress. 710 00:36:43,993 --> 00:36:47,038 You want to return your mattress? Because of the lifetime guarantee? 711 00:36:47,122 --> 00:36:48,456 [telephone ringing] 712 00:36:48,540 --> 00:36:50,542 You ruined it during lovemaking? 713 00:36:50,625 --> 00:36:52,877 Wait, hang on one second. Hello? 714 00:36:52,961 --> 00:36:55,380 Of course you'll get a refund. It's a lifetime guarantee. 715 00:36:55,463 --> 00:36:57,507 Hang on one second. Sorry, sir. Wally's Mattress. 716 00:36:57,590 --> 00:37:00,385 You poked a hole in it? How is that even possible? 717 00:37:00,468 --> 00:37:02,762 Wait, one second. Sorry. Wally's Mattress. 718 00:37:02,846 --> 00:37:04,180 Ma'am, I'm sorry. I just want to know, 719 00:37:04,264 --> 00:37:07,517 how is everyone breaking their mattresses having sex? 720 00:37:07,600 --> 00:37:09,602 It doesn't make any sense. 721 00:37:09,686 --> 00:37:11,771 I urge you all to take your lover to bed 722 00:37:11,855 --> 00:37:14,190 and pound that mattress until there's nothing left. 723 00:37:15,442 --> 00:37:17,402 Oh, my God. He's going to destroy us. 724 00:37:17,485 --> 00:37:19,362 Pound that mattress. 725 00:37:19,446 --> 00:37:20,697 I've got to stop him. 726 00:37:32,250 --> 00:37:34,335 [Michael] Okay, let's get back to our show. 727 00:37:34,419 --> 00:37:36,880 When it comes to singers with two first names, 728 00:37:36,963 --> 00:37:39,507 you just can't beat Ray Charles. 729 00:37:39,591 --> 00:37:41,885 I want to sing one of my favorite songs of his, 730 00:37:41,968 --> 00:37:45,138 and while doing it, you know who I'll be thinking about. 731 00:37:45,221 --> 00:37:47,974 Carmela, this one's for you, baby. 732 00:37:49,017 --> 00:37:53,104 ♪ I got a woman way over town ♪ 733 00:37:53,188 --> 00:37:55,356 ♪ That's good to me ♪ 734 00:37:55,440 --> 00:37:57,650 ♪ Oh, yeah ♪ 735 00:37:57,734 --> 00:38:02,572 ♪ Yeah, I got a woman Way over town ♪ 736 00:38:02,655 --> 00:38:04,616 ♪ She's good to me ♪ 737 00:38:05,408 --> 00:38:06,910 ♪ Oh, yeah ♪ 738 00:38:06,993 --> 00:38:11,414 ♪ She gives me money When I'm in need ♪ 739 00:38:11,498 --> 00:38:16,044 ♪ Oh, she's a kind of friend indeed ♪ 740 00:38:16,127 --> 00:38:20,757 ♪ Yeah, I got a woman Way over town ♪ 741 00:38:20,840 --> 00:38:23,468 ♪ She's good to me ♪ 742 00:38:23,551 --> 00:38:24,677 ♪ Oh, yeah ♪ 743 00:38:24,761 --> 00:38:25,720 [cell phone beeps] 744 00:38:27,472 --> 00:38:30,642 Well, speak of the angel. It's Carmela. 745 00:38:31,643 --> 00:38:34,854 "Michael, I'm sorry to do this over text... 746 00:38:34,938 --> 00:38:38,066 but there's someone new in my life. 747 00:38:38,983 --> 00:38:41,569 It's a man, and he's changed everything. 748 00:38:42,570 --> 00:38:47,075 In fact, he's inside me right this very second. 749 00:38:47,867 --> 00:38:49,869 I hope you understand. 750 00:38:49,953 --> 00:38:51,246 Goodbye." 751 00:38:53,832 --> 00:38:54,916 What? 752 00:38:57,210 --> 00:38:58,503 [echoing thud] 753 00:38:59,462 --> 00:39:00,463 What-- 754 00:39:02,257 --> 00:39:03,800 What is this? 755 00:39:04,634 --> 00:39:06,511 Why would she tell me this? 756 00:39:08,179 --> 00:39:10,723 There's someone inside her right now? 757 00:39:10,807 --> 00:39:13,059 No! 758 00:39:13,142 --> 00:39:15,353 [somber music playing] 759 00:39:15,436 --> 00:39:19,774 ♪ No ♪ 760 00:39:21,568 --> 00:39:23,027 [groaning] 761 00:39:24,195 --> 00:39:25,780 I've got to get my shit together. 762 00:39:26,489 --> 00:39:29,158 Coming to the show right now is my good friend Casey Wilson. 763 00:39:29,242 --> 00:39:31,911 Hello, Michael. Great to see you. 764 00:39:31,995 --> 00:39:33,162 Welcome to the show. 765 00:39:33,246 --> 00:39:36,416 Well, it's Valentine's Day, my favorite day of the year. 766 00:39:36,499 --> 00:39:40,253 What other day of the year do I get to read so many cards from admirers? 767 00:39:40,336 --> 00:39:41,629 You know what I'm saying, Michael? 768 00:39:42,672 --> 00:39:44,048 [somber music playing] 769 00:39:50,305 --> 00:39:51,431 Oh. 770 00:39:52,348 --> 00:39:53,516 Okay. 771 00:39:54,183 --> 00:39:57,687 Anyway, let's take a look at this one from Molly. 772 00:39:57,770 --> 00:39:58,897 She says, "Happy Valentine--" 773 00:39:58,980 --> 00:40:01,316 ♪ I could hardly believe it ♪ 774 00:40:01,399 --> 00:40:05,486 -♪ When I heard the news today ♪ -Michael? 775 00:40:05,570 --> 00:40:10,116 ♪ I had to come and get it straight From you ♪ 776 00:40:10,199 --> 00:40:11,743 Mike, you want to read some cards? 777 00:40:11,826 --> 00:40:13,453 Mike? 778 00:40:13,536 --> 00:40:16,122 ♪ They said you were leaving ♪ 779 00:40:16,205 --> 00:40:18,875 ♪ Someone swept your heart away ♪ 780 00:40:18,958 --> 00:40:20,084 Everything okay, buddy? 781 00:40:20,168 --> 00:40:23,087 -♪ From the look upon your face ♪ -Mikey baby? 782 00:40:23,171 --> 00:40:26,424 -♪ I see it's true ♪ -Michael B.? 783 00:40:27,842 --> 00:40:29,844 ♪ So, tell me all about it ♪ 784 00:40:29,928 --> 00:40:33,014 ♪ Tell me about the plans You're making ♪ 785 00:40:33,097 --> 00:40:34,349 What is out that window? 786 00:40:34,432 --> 00:40:39,395 ♪ Oh, and tell me one thing more Before I go ♪ 787 00:40:39,479 --> 00:40:40,521 Mikey! 788 00:40:42,357 --> 00:40:47,111 ♪ Tell me, how am I supposed To live without you ♪ 789 00:40:47,195 --> 00:40:49,572 He's coming towards me. I think I'm gonna go. 790 00:40:50,865 --> 00:40:56,996 ♪ Now that I've been loving you So long ♪ 791 00:40:58,498 --> 00:41:04,087 ♪ How am I supposed to live Without you? ♪ 792 00:41:05,463 --> 00:41:10,176 ♪ And how am I supposed to carry on ♪ 793 00:41:10,259 --> 00:41:12,971 -[horses neigh] -[bird screeches] 794 00:41:13,054 --> 00:41:17,266 ♪ When all that I've been living for ♪ 795 00:41:17,976 --> 00:41:20,061 ♪ Is gone? ♪ 796 00:41:24,524 --> 00:41:26,275 [sobbing] 797 00:41:29,404 --> 00:41:31,823 I need more pictures of horses! 798 00:41:33,116 --> 00:41:35,034 [sobbing] 799 00:41:36,244 --> 00:41:37,704 What are you doing tomorrow? 800 00:41:38,997 --> 00:41:40,123 Uh... 801 00:41:40,206 --> 00:41:43,960 well, I might go shopping for an avocado tree. 802 00:41:44,043 --> 00:41:46,045 -For a tree? -An avocado tree. 803 00:41:46,129 --> 00:41:48,673 Why not just buy, like, five avocados? 804 00:41:48,756 --> 00:41:53,136 Well, because if you have tree, I'll have 10,000 avocados. 805 00:41:53,219 --> 00:41:55,680 If you had to estimate, how many avocados would you actually eat? 806 00:41:55,763 --> 00:41:58,516 -I didn't go to school for math. -What did you go to school for? 807 00:41:58,599 --> 00:41:59,726 Advertising. 808 00:41:59,809 --> 00:42:01,102 [dramatic music playing] 809 00:42:05,982 --> 00:42:07,942 [laughing, chattering] 810 00:42:13,614 --> 00:42:15,992 Looks like I just found my way in. 811 00:42:16,075 --> 00:42:18,953 -I have a forked tongue, like a snake. -Hey! 812 00:42:20,288 --> 00:42:21,789 [muffled shouts] 813 00:42:21,873 --> 00:42:25,043 -Son of a... -No! No! No! 814 00:42:30,423 --> 00:42:31,841 [chuckling] 815 00:42:31,924 --> 00:42:33,051 Yes. 816 00:42:33,134 --> 00:42:35,053 Oh, I love you, too. 817 00:42:35,136 --> 00:42:36,345 Love is a lie! 818 00:42:38,556 --> 00:42:40,141 -[smack] -[gasping] 819 00:42:40,224 --> 00:42:42,727 Pull yourself together. I know you're hurt. 820 00:42:42,810 --> 00:42:45,229 But those numbers have stopped cold, 821 00:42:45,313 --> 00:42:48,232 and the only way to bring them up is for you to go out there 822 00:42:48,316 --> 00:42:51,152 and sing the most romantic song of all time. 823 00:42:53,488 --> 00:42:55,031 "Nessun dorma." 824 00:42:56,115 --> 00:43:01,079 "Nessun dorma," Puccini's most powerful, beautiful aria about love. 825 00:43:01,162 --> 00:43:04,499 But it's too dangerous. Every time someone performs it on TV or in the movies, 826 00:43:04,582 --> 00:43:06,042 someone's assassinated. 827 00:43:06,125 --> 00:43:08,336 You know, like Mission: Impossible, Rogue Nation, 828 00:43:08,419 --> 00:43:10,379 -The Sum of all Fears. -Those are just movies! 829 00:43:10,463 --> 00:43:13,966 This is real life. So, do it! 830 00:43:15,051 --> 00:43:16,010 You're right! 831 00:43:16,928 --> 00:43:18,471 [cheering and applauding] 832 00:43:22,600 --> 00:43:27,814 ♪ Nessun dorma ♪ 833 00:43:28,523 --> 00:43:34,028 ♪ Nessun dorma ♪ 834 00:43:37,073 --> 00:43:42,745 ♪ Tu pure, o Principessa ♪ 835 00:43:42,829 --> 00:43:48,709 ♪ Nella tua fredda stanza ♪ 836 00:43:48,793 --> 00:43:54,298 ♪ Guardi le stelle ♪ 837 00:43:54,382 --> 00:44:00,680 ♪ Che tremano d'amore ♪ 838 00:44:01,514 --> 00:44:07,562 ♪ E di speranza ♪ 839 00:44:24,579 --> 00:44:30,042 ♪ Dilegua, o notte ♪ 840 00:44:30,126 --> 00:44:36,757 ♪ Tramontate, stelle ♪ 841 00:44:36,841 --> 00:44:38,217 [inhales and exhales deeply] 842 00:44:38,301 --> 00:44:42,430 ♪ Tramontate, stelle ♪ 843 00:44:42,513 --> 00:44:49,270 ♪ All'alba vincerò ♪ 844 00:44:53,065 --> 00:44:57,278 ♪ Vincerò ♪ 845 00:44:58,154 --> 00:45:02,992 ♪ Vincerò ♪ 846 00:45:03,075 --> 00:45:05,411 [music crescendoes] 847 00:45:13,252 --> 00:45:14,754 [aria ends] 848 00:45:17,256 --> 00:45:18,466 Santa! 849 00:45:18,549 --> 00:45:20,343 [men and women screaming] 850 00:45:22,511 --> 00:45:23,638 [gasps] 851 00:45:23,721 --> 00:45:24,805 [grunting] 852 00:45:24,889 --> 00:45:26,724 Curse that damn song. 853 00:45:29,268 --> 00:45:31,062 Don't you dare die on me, Santa. 854 00:45:31,145 --> 00:45:34,565 Hey, Michael, you mustn't worry about me. I'll be fine. 855 00:45:34,649 --> 00:45:37,026 Just caught one in the old bowl of jelly. 856 00:45:37,109 --> 00:45:38,527 [grunting laughter] 857 00:45:38,611 --> 00:45:40,613 Michael, you were... 858 00:45:41,447 --> 00:45:46,285 always my favorite son. 859 00:45:47,245 --> 00:45:48,496 I'm your son?! 860 00:45:53,542 --> 00:45:55,544 What the fuck is going on?! 861 00:45:55,628 --> 00:45:57,546 [heart monitor flatlines] 862 00:45:57,630 --> 00:46:00,299 Michael, we have to do something! We're flatlining! 863 00:46:05,554 --> 00:46:07,598 Oh, Michael, we lost one. 864 00:46:09,308 --> 00:46:14,897 Only in your darkest hour shall your locks spring forth. 865 00:46:14,981 --> 00:46:16,148 [gasps] 866 00:46:16,941 --> 00:46:18,567 [Michael] I know what I must do. 867 00:46:19,235 --> 00:46:20,361 Boltron... 868 00:46:20,444 --> 00:46:22,196 ♪ Grow ♪ 869 00:46:22,279 --> 00:46:23,280 [thunder crashing] 870 00:46:23,364 --> 00:46:26,242 -[blowing horn] -[dramatic music playing] 871 00:46:41,799 --> 00:46:44,552 [roars] 872 00:46:46,762 --> 00:46:48,597 -[gasps] -Holy shit. 873 00:46:48,681 --> 00:46:50,141 Peak '90s Bolton. 874 00:46:50,224 --> 00:46:52,893 [whispers] The prophecy-- it has come to pass. 875 00:46:52,977 --> 00:46:57,732 ♪ When a man loves a woman ♪ 876 00:46:57,815 --> 00:46:59,066 [cheering and applauding] 877 00:46:59,150 --> 00:47:03,446 ♪ He can't keep his mind On nothing else ♪ 878 00:47:03,529 --> 00:47:07,283 ♪ He'd trade the world For the good thing he's found ♪ 879 00:47:07,366 --> 00:47:08,367 [telephones ringing] 880 00:47:08,451 --> 00:47:09,452 Uh-huh? 881 00:47:09,535 --> 00:47:10,578 Oh, my God. 882 00:47:10,661 --> 00:47:14,749 ♪ If she's bad, he can't see it ♪ 883 00:47:14,832 --> 00:47:16,042 Listen to this. 884 00:47:16,792 --> 00:47:21,005 ♪ She can do no wrong ♪ 885 00:47:21,088 --> 00:47:26,343 ♪ Turn his back on his best friend If he puts her down ♪ 886 00:47:27,553 --> 00:47:32,975 ♪ Yes, when a man loves a woman ♪ 887 00:47:33,976 --> 00:47:37,938 ♪ I know exactly how it feels ♪ 888 00:47:39,440 --> 00:47:42,234 ♪ 'Cause, baby ♪ 889 00:47:43,360 --> 00:47:46,280 ♪ Ba... ♪ 890 00:47:46,363 --> 00:47:48,741 [holding note] 891 00:47:48,824 --> 00:47:50,785 He's doing it! 892 00:47:50,868 --> 00:47:53,037 [rumbling, wind whistling] 893 00:47:53,120 --> 00:47:55,206 [man] It's so close. I think we're gonna make it. 894 00:48:03,881 --> 00:48:05,007 [coughs weakly] 895 00:48:07,343 --> 00:48:08,344 [rumbling stops] 896 00:48:09,178 --> 00:48:10,971 Did we make it? 897 00:48:11,055 --> 00:48:13,099 Michael, you did all you could. 898 00:48:13,182 --> 00:48:15,226 We just ran out of fertile women. 899 00:48:16,310 --> 00:48:17,645 [whispers] I'm sorry, Michael. 900 00:48:20,564 --> 00:48:22,108 [woman] I think you're forgetting someone. 901 00:48:23,818 --> 00:48:27,822 Carmela. But what are you doing here? I thought you'd left me. 902 00:48:27,905 --> 00:48:29,156 No! 903 00:48:29,240 --> 00:48:34,411 Why would I leave the father of our new baby boy? 904 00:48:35,454 --> 00:48:37,289 That's what your text meant? 905 00:48:37,373 --> 00:48:40,126 There's a new man in your life and he's inside you? 906 00:48:40,209 --> 00:48:44,296 Yes! I can think of no better way to phrase that. 907 00:48:45,923 --> 00:48:46,924 [Carmela] Mwah! 908 00:48:47,007 --> 00:48:48,968 [alarm ringing] 909 00:48:49,051 --> 00:48:51,470 Holy shit, Michael! We did it! 910 00:48:51,554 --> 00:48:53,681 [all cheering] 911 00:48:53,764 --> 00:48:55,975 Whatever this is, we saved it! 912 00:48:56,559 --> 00:48:58,102 Unbelievable! 913 00:48:58,936 --> 00:49:02,898 I'm sorry. I didn't mean to kill Santa Claus. 914 00:49:02,982 --> 00:49:05,484 I meant to kill you-- Michael Bolton. 915 00:49:06,277 --> 00:49:07,695 [rumbling] 916 00:49:09,989 --> 00:49:10,990 [grunts] 917 00:49:11,073 --> 00:49:13,951 Ho ho... whoa! 918 00:49:14,034 --> 00:49:16,120 Of course. The Santa Clause! 919 00:49:16,203 --> 00:49:18,205 -What? -I don't understand any of this. 920 00:49:18,289 --> 00:49:20,708 Tim Allen. Disney. 1994. 921 00:49:20,791 --> 00:49:23,669 Wally killed Santa. Now he is Santa. 922 00:49:23,752 --> 00:49:26,297 That's right. And, Michael, you've done it. 923 00:49:26,380 --> 00:49:27,923 You've saved Christmas. 924 00:49:28,007 --> 00:49:29,967 I'm so happy this happened. 925 00:49:30,050 --> 00:49:31,302 [all cheering] 926 00:49:31,385 --> 00:49:32,386 Rock on, Bolton. 927 00:49:32,469 --> 00:49:34,138 [laughing] 928 00:49:34,221 --> 00:49:38,392 All hail Lord Boltron, the king of Valentine's Day. 929 00:49:38,476 --> 00:49:40,603 [cheering and applauding] 930 00:49:41,604 --> 00:49:42,688 [laughing] 931 00:49:42,771 --> 00:49:43,981 You're free to go. 932 00:50:00,080 --> 00:50:01,457 [music playing] 933 00:52:44,036 --> 00:52:47,956 Oh, hello. You just caught me looking at my little black book. 934 00:52:48,040 --> 00:52:50,584 A lot of names and memories in this. 935 00:52:51,543 --> 00:52:53,670 Yes. Carrie. 936 00:52:53,754 --> 00:52:56,215 Oh. Rebecca. 937 00:52:56,298 --> 00:53:00,052 Amelie. You're so sweet and innocent. 938 00:53:00,135 --> 00:53:02,012 Princess Mononoke. 939 00:53:02,679 --> 00:53:04,264 Unforgettable. 940 00:53:04,973 --> 00:53:07,184 And, of course, The French Connection. 941 00:53:07,267 --> 00:53:09,186 What a car chase. 942 00:53:09,269 --> 00:53:12,064 Yes, this is my little black book of movies. 943 00:53:12,147 --> 00:53:13,190 [clown horn blows] 944 00:53:13,273 --> 00:53:16,151 Oh, boy! That sound can only mean one thing: 945 00:53:16,235 --> 00:53:18,070 The Dancing Cupids! 946 00:53:18,153 --> 00:53:19,446 [jazz music playing] 947 00:53:28,914 --> 00:53:30,582 So fucking good. 948 00:53:36,505 --> 00:53:38,340 This is my favorite part. Watch this part. 949 00:53:44,179 --> 00:53:46,306 I actually had to talk to the execs about keeping them. 950 00:53:46,390 --> 00:53:47,808 They were thinking of cutting them. 951 00:53:48,475 --> 00:53:50,811 I said, "You cut them, you cut me, 'cause I'm gone." 952 00:53:58,193 --> 00:53:59,653 [song ends] 953 00:53:59,736 --> 00:54:01,113 [shoes squeaking] 71142

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