Original subtitles

Dear Simon, things have been pretty tense at home

since we learned the real reason we left Texas.

No way. What are you freaking out about this time?

Those aren't shorts. They're denim underpants.

People who have affairs shouldn't be throwing stones.

You look like Madonna in the "Like a Prayer" video.

Wow. That would really hurt my feelings if I actually understood your references.

Luckily, my family has me.

For as long as I can remember, I've been my family's fixer.

There's no problem I can't smooth over

with a well‐timed joke, a charming anecdote,

or, when all else fails... carbs.

Who wants pancakes?

Oh. I could go for pancakes.

Banana for me.

Oh, so Victor's allowed to use the stove?

- Shh. Eat your pancakes. - These smell so good, mijo. Thank you.

You're welcome.

Have you decided what you want to do for your birthday this Saturday?

I thought we could throw you a party,

invite your friends over...

That's okay. It's such short notice. I'm sure everyone has plans, you know?

Oh. Okay.

I just thought we could all use a celebration around here.

Yeah, all right. See you soon, Mami. Bye.

See you soon? Why are you gonna see her soon?

Oh, my parents wanna visit for Victor's birthday this weekend.

Yes! Finally! Abuelita in the house!

Seriously, Armando?

Pilar is being horrible to me, and now on top of that,

- I'm gonna have your mom here hating me? - Yes!

I can't even‐‐ What's the problem?

- You know what the problem is! - Let's throw the party.

- Really? - Yeah, yeah. It'll be fun. I mean,

you guys can meet my friends,

and Abuela Nati and Tito can celebrate with us.

Our first party in our new home. Hmm?

I'm so excited.

Okay! Party time!

Maybe something fun and distracting was exactly

what we needed to get our family groove back.

That is what we're gonna do. I'm just excited about having a party

and meeting your friends. Are they nice? I bet you they are.

Okay, piñatas.

Yeah, of course. Of course we'll be there, right?

Uh, depends. Who else will be there?

An Insta‐models? Influencers? Kardashians?

No. Just you guys, my family, and my grandparents.

Oh. Oh, you're serious.

Victor's family is a delight.

I like to think of myself as the third Salazar kid.

Adrian's the third Salazar kid.

Adrian.

Um, this means I'm gonna meet your parents?

Yeah. Is that cool?

Yeah. That's awesome.

Okay, can you guys stop gently smiling at each other?

We have some serious business to discuss.

Victor's party is going to blow without some more bodies.

Uh, hey, Benji. Hey.

Victor is having a birthday on Saturday,

and his ratio of hot people to old people is totally tragic.

Wanna come?

I mean, only if you want to. There's, there's no pressure.

Sure, I'm in. I'll bring Derek.

- I mean, if that's cool. - Yeah. I love Derek.

Great. We'll be there.

Hey, guys, my break's over.

Okay. Bye.

Dear Simon... Hey.

There's going to be an actual out‐and‐proud gay couple at my house.

Here's hoping my grandfather's gotten more

open‐minded, since we left Texas.

Why are you playing with a fairy wand?

It's my Elsa wand, from Frozen.

It turns things into ice. Be ice, couch!

- You're ice. You're ice... - Do you let him play with girls' toys?

What? Oh, no. Uh, that's actually a, a hand‐me‐down from Pilar.

He usually uses it to, um, to sword fight.

Yeah, he's a very macho boy.

Hi!

- Tickle my back and tell me I'm guapo. - Okay.

Every day I wish your mother hadn't moved you across the country

for no reason at all.

Actually, there is a really good reason why we moved from Texas.

Which is that Papi got a great new job,

and hooked us up with this sick apartment.

Yes, it does look a little sick.

Hola, Natalia. Hola.

- Tito, ¿cómo estás? - Hola, mija.

Oyeme, Victor.

What would you like me to make you for your birthday?

Buñuelos, or Pasteles de Gloria?

Actually, I'm gonna be making a tres leches cake, just like yours.

Oh. We'll see about that.

I thought you were joking on the phone.

Is she really baking?

Abuela, did Papi tell you?

My new friends are coming to the party.

Oh! Oh, yeah. That's right.

We're all gonna get to meet the mystery girl that Victor's been dating.

Oh, so Victor finally has a novia, huh?

Si.

At least one of your boys is gonna give me some great‐grandchildren.

Ice power! Ice! Ice! Ice!

Be ice, couch!

It's too much eyeliner.

Okay, I need makeup that says,

"Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Salazar.

I'm Mia, a perfectly respectable girl for your son to date."

This totally says that,

while also hinting that you have a wild side.

If they really love their son, they'll want that for him.

Why are you so stressed about this?

I guess...

Victor's family is like, his whole world,

and he's becoming a big part of my world,

so I just need them to like me.

My God, you're like, next level into him, aren't you?

No, I'm‐Maybe. I don't know. Stop.

I wish I had a super sweet, super cute boy

who wanted to parade me around.

Oh, are you still bummed it didn't work out with Andrew?

Oh, no. No, I'm over that.

Andrew's just as blah as all the other guys at Creekwood.

I want someone exciting. And spontaneous.

The kind of guy who isn't afraid to do something crazy and unexpected,

- like rob a bank. - So, a criminal.

It's not a crime if you don't get caught.

Mm, that's not at all how it works.

Do you really think Victor's parents will like me?

They will love you. You're a parents' wet dream.

And mostly because I don't say things like that.

Oh!

I'll get it, I'll get it, I'll get it.

Sports...

- Happy birthday! - Hey, guys.

Thanks for coming. You look really nice.

Right?

And the craziest part is she didn't even think about the way she looked.

- Yeah. - No, it didn't cross her mind.

Shut up.

The other guys‐Oh, hey.

This is Lake and Mia.

Oh. Nice to meet you both.

Which one are you dating?

Sorry. Mia.

- Oh. Ay, otra vez, otra vez. - No!

Come on. Wait, they were totally off‐sides.

- Yes, thank you! - Me encanta esta niña.

Yeah, I don't know how you tricked her into going out with you,

but, uh, do not screw it up.

I'll try not to, Papi.

Oh, uh, should I meet your mom?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That'd be great.

- Great mustache, by the way. - Thank you.

Well, Simon, looks like the fixer's done it again.

I hadn't seen my dad smile in days.

Until he met Mia.

You have got to be kidding me.

You are not wearing that to this party.

What? This is my house. I can wear what I want in my house.

No, you can't.

Because I can't have your abuela giving me another lecture

on how I let you listen to devil music.

Now please, go to your room and change,

before she finishes putting on her makeup and sees you.

Fine. I'll go to my room, but I'm not coming to this stupid party

just so we can all pretend we're still a happy family.

Pilar!

Uh, Mom, this is... this is Mia.

- Hi. - Hello. I'm sorry you had to see that.

No, it's fine.

My mom and I had a pretty terrible relationship sometimes, too.

We don't have a terrible relationship. We just had a fight.

No, of course. I, um, I

I meant, um, I don't know.

I don't know what I meant.

Wow. You really do not look like you could have a 16‐year‐old son,

Mrs. Salazar.

You speak Spanish.

A little. Uh, my dad used to teach summer sessions in Barcelona.

Mia has traveled all over.

Mia, may I have a moment alone with my son, please?

- She's nice, right? - Yeah. Yeah, she seems great,

but we have a major emergency on our hands.

I need to get another tres leches cake.

What? Why?

I forgot to get the third leche,

so I doubled up on the second leche, thinking you wouldn't be able to tell,

but you can tell, Victor. You can totally tell!

And if I don't fix this,

I am gonna be hearing about how I tanked tres leches cake

from your abuela until she is dead.

Which might be today, because I'm gonna murder her

for giving me so much crap about the cake.

It's fine. It's fine.

Listen, scrap that cake. I'll get a new one,

and abuela will never have to know. Okay? Come here.

Okay. Ay, mi vida.

You're always saving the day.

Okay. Ay.

Lake, would you be able to do me a huge favor

and run to the Mexican bakery and pick up a tres leches cake?

Oh‐‐ I'll come with you.

Uh, Victor's grandfather said I'm no longer allowed to follow him around

with Google translate, so...

Fine, we'll go. Just don't be weird.

Oh. I wouldn't dream of it, m'lady.

And you failed.

'Course I have to leave when the one sexy person shows up.

No offense, Victor!

Hey, Benji.

You made it. Hey.

A little something for the birthday boy.

You didn't have to get me a gift.

I had to park in front of a hydrant.

So nobody set anything on fire.

Hey, man. Thanks for coming.

Yeah. Anything this guy wants.

Victor.

Who are your friends?

Uh, oh, Tito, this is Benji, my coworker,

and Derek, his, uh, band mate.

- Ah, ¿como los Bee Gees? - Si.

Seriously? "His band mate?"

Well, you guys are in a band together.

Yeah, well, I prefer the term "boyfriend."

No, no, of course. It's just‐‐.

My family's going through a hard time right now.

I just really need today to go well,

and if my grandfather makes a scene,

it'll lead to a fight between my parents, and I just.

I'm just not sure how much more fighting we can take.

Whatever. Just... forget about it.

Hola. We need your biggest tres leches cake.

Si. Es una cake emergencia.

Look, as much as it pains me not to help out two flustered kids

with their cake... "emergencia,"

this is the last one I got, and I just sold it to that guy.

Okay. Let me handle this.

Hello, sir.

Uh, you seemed to have gotten the last tres leches cake,

and I was hoping to buy it from you.

Look, I'd love to help, but it's an apology cake for my wife.

I called her sister "shrill" and then tried to defend my point.

Way to go, Jeff.

Sir.

Hi. Sir, uh, today is my best friend Victor's birthday.

This cake is his favorite dessert in the whole wide world.

So, is there any chance you'd be willing to take a different cake?

No.

Well, I'm, uh, I'm sorry you feel that way.

Lake, run. I said run! Go, go, go!

- Felix, what are you doing? - Hurry, hurry!

- And my dad is president of a university. - Oh, wow!

Que fancy.

You really struck the jackpot, niño.

Isabel, did you know that Mia used to summer in Barcelona?

So I've heard.

Excuse me.

No, no. Not today.

Not today, Pilar!

Why do you let her play that devil music in your house?

I just screamed, "Not today, Pilar."

It is her brother's birthday,

and you can't even get her to come out of her room?

Well, I could go talk to her, if you want.

Sure. Have at it.

- Do you get paid? - Just in tips and free bar nuts.

I bet you guys are cleaning up with the ladies.

Uh, no. Not really.

Actually, we are‐‐ Too busy.

Between music and school,

who has the time to date?

I'm gonna get my drink.

Hey. Hmm?

Have you ever heard of Frank Sinatra? Now that's music.

Y‐you didn't have to do that.

I'm wearing heels! Come on!

I cannot believe you did that. It was like, straight out of a movie!

I know. We were like Bonnie and Clyde.

But seriously, though, I think my heart is going to explode. Here. Feel.

Um, okay, well, it looks like the coast is clear,

so we should probably get back to the party,

and pray there are more guests.

I'm on the prowl for a spontaneous hottie, so...

She sent you in here?

- Coward. - Uh, actually, I volunteered.

Do you mind if I turn this...

So, um, Victor

told me what happened with your mom and dad.

Yeah. I'm sorry, Pilar.

I know it's not the same, but

when my parents started going through their shit,

uh, let's just say there wasn't enough angry music in the world

- that would have made me feel better. - Yeah.

This thing my mom did back in Texas

it ruined everything.

I mean, my family's always been lame.

But before this, we were kind of happy.

It's pretty terrible, isn't it?

When you realize your parents

don't actually have it all together.

That they're actually just pretending

they know what they're doing for our sake.

Well, the good ones bother pretending.

My mom didn't.

Hmm.

- Can we just go, please? - Come on. It's his birthday.

I don't care. Benji, I'm not pretending to be straight

for some homophobic old man.

Can you not right now?

God.

Dear Victor,

sounds like your family is very lucky to have you.

I wish I had a pancake‐making fixer in my life.

One thing, though.

Your messages have all been about things going smoothly for your family,

and not for you. But you're dealing with a lot, Victor.

Your conservative grandfather.

Mia meeting your parents. Benji in your house with his boyfriend.

I guess what I'm saying is,

sometimes it's easier to focus on fixing other people

than on your own stuff.

Look, it just made me feel uncomfortable.

I know. I'm sorry. Okay?

Okay.

- I don't want to fight anymore, okay? - Same.

Hey. Where are we on the cake?

Uh, Felix texted. It's on the way.

Um, I just talked to Pilar.

I think maybe she might join the party soon.

That's awesome. Thank you.

Yes, thanks.

No problem. I just talked to her.

One angsty teen girl to another.

Is your mom always so, um... so prickly?

I'm sorry. She's having a bad day.

Hey, Victor, a word?

Uh, yeah.

Hey. Is everything okay?

Tito just saw your two friends, the, uh, guys in the band, kissing.

Uh...

That's because

they're... together.

You need to tell them not to do that here.

What if your little brother sees them?

Victor, just... please. It's a family party.

Please, son.

No!

I'm sorry, Papi. I really wanted today to go smoothly, but

those are my friends.

I'm not gonna tell them not to be who they are if that bothers you.

That's your problem. Not theirs, and not mine.

This is how you teach your son to speak to his abuelo?

Yeah. It is.

I raised him to be true to himself,

and to stand up for the people that he cares about.

And since we're being true to ourselves,

my tres leches cake was garbage, so I threw it out.

Not that it would have impressed you, anyway.

I do my best, Natalia, every day.

That's all I can do, and I am sorry if it is not enough.

No, no. It's more than enough.

Isabel is amazing,

and she's raising our kids to be good, decent people.

You need to give her a break.

Lo siento, pero...

It's hard for us, that's all.

Everything is changing.

This is not the world we grew up in.

Our grandkids can barely speak Spanish.

Boys kissing boys instead of girls?

It seems like everything that matters to us

is disappearing.

Including you, mijo.

We just don't understand why you had to move so far away.

I can tell you why.

Pilar, please.

It was better for our family.

You, of all people, should understand that.

That's why you left Colombia.

Ice!

Ice!

- Oh, come on, Dad. Do us! - Do us, do us!

- Ice! Ice! - I'm melting!

I'm melting. Come on!

I got your power!

Ice! Ice! Ice! Ice! Ice! Ice!

I'm freezing everybody!

- He got me! - Aah! I got you!

I thought you could, uh, use some help.

Thank you. Yeah.

I don't know what I'm doing.

Um, it's, it's been a while since I've been around,

you know, a mom.

Being around you, uh,

it's hard for me.

Because it reminds me of what I've lost.

But you're Victor's favorite person, so I've been trying to push past that,

and make a good impression for him.

So, um, yeah. That's all.

Do you know...

It's funny, isn't it?

I swore to myself a thousand times

that I would never, ever be like my mother‐in‐law.

And then my son brings home his first girlfriend, and

I'm cold as ice.

I know...

Mothers and their sons.

We love them so much, no one else stands a chance.

Thank you.

For talking to Pilar.

It was my pleasure, Mrs. Salazar.

You know what? You can just call me Isabel.

Um, yeah. Isa‐Okay. Isabel.

Great.

We're gonna head out.

Derek turns into a pumpkin if he's not watching reality TV by 10:00.

I, I'm sorry, Benji.

Coming out was really hard for me, Victor.

And it's still hard for me to be who I am.

I know. And for the record,

I think who you are is, is pretty great.

I hope you like my present.

Hey, everybody. Cake time!

Come on, Victor. Make a wish.

Happy birthday, man.

Hey. Hey.

What?

Thank you for today.

For trying so hard with my little sister, and my mom.

Of course.

That's what girlfriends do.

I mean, not that, not that I'm your...

Oh, my God. Okay, I am just gonna go stuff my mouth with cake,

- so that I can't talk. - Mia, stop.

Of course you're my girlfriend.

Thank God. That was almost really embarrassing.

Um, cake? Cake, yeah.

Yeah, cake.

Dear Simon, against the odds,

I think my party actually brought my family closer together.

But you might be right.

Focusing on their problems is way easier than focusing on my own.

My brother asked me to make wish tonight, and.

I didn't even know how to put what I want into words.

But I guess if I had to try,

I wish that 16 will be the year

I finally figure out what I want.

Hey, flaco. Hey.

- Can we talk? - Uh, yeah. Yeah, sure.

Um, the way you spoke to Tito at the party‐.

I, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to raise my voice.

Oh, no. No, no.

I should be saying sorry. Um

I'm proud of you for standing up to him.

Uh, I was never great at that.

You know, when I was a kid, he was hard on me.

It was always, "Do better in school. Run faster in soccer."

I was always so desperate for his approval.

I still am.

Anyway, um,

what you said about those boys,

you were brave,

and, uh, I agree.

It's their lives. They can do what they want.

Really? Yeah.

I mean, I guess I just never knew how you felt about... that.

What business is it of mine what some boys in your school are up to?

Right? Yeah.

I just hope that Tito's wrong,

and your little brother doesn't turn out that way.

Anyway, I love you. Happy birthday, mijo.

Love you, too.