Original subtitles

♪ BA, DA, BA, BA, DA, BA, ♪

BA, DA, BA, BA, DA, BA, ♪

♪ JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE

THIS IS RIDICULOUS.

>> Jimmy: HELLO, AND WELCOME. MY NAME IS JIMMY KIMMEL.

I HOST A TALK SHOW IN MY KITCHEN. WHICH WAS PREVIOUSLY SOMETHING

YOU MIGHT HEAR FROM SOMEONE WITH PARANOIA AND DELUSIONS.

SO, MAYBE I'M NOT HOSTING A SHOW. MAYBE I'M CRAZY!

SPEAKING OF CRAZY, WE HAVE A BIGLY MILESTONE ON THE

WAY. THIS WEEKEND, DONALD TRUMP CELEBRATES HIS BIRTHDAY,

NUMBER 74! SO BREAK OUT THE KETCHUP AND

CAKE. DONALD TRUMP WAS BORN ON

JUNE 14th, 1946, WHEN A PILE OF SOGGY CHEESE FRIES WAS STRUCK BY

A BOLT OF ORANGE LIGHTNING. TRUMP SUPPORTERS IN FLORIDA,

MICHIGAN AND ARKANSAS ARE HOLDING EVENTS TO CELEBRATE.

AND WHAT BETTER WAY TO HONOR THE PRESIDENT THAN BY GATHERING, TO

CONTRACT THE VERY VIRUS WHOSE EXISTENCE HE DENIES?

BY THE WAY, HERE'S ONE OF DONALD TRUMP'S OLD BIRTHDAY

INVITATIONS FROM A PARTY HE HAD IN 1994.

THE THEME WAS "TRUMP: LORD OF THE FINANCIAL JUNGLE."

THAT'S HIM AND MARLA MAPLES IN JUNGLE GARB.

THIS CARD IS AMAZING FOR SO MANY REASONS.

THIS WAS 26 YEARS AGO AND NOTHING DEPICTED IN IT NOW

EXISTS. THAT BODY IS FAKE, THE CASINO

WENT BANKRUPT, THE MARRIAGE ENDED, THAT HAIR IS GONE.

EVEN THE ELEPHANT IN THE BACKGROUND WAS SHOT AND KILLED

BY DONALD JR. THE PRESIDENT HAD A BUSY DAY OF

TRAVEL TODAY, BUT HE DID FIND TIME TO TWEET. A LOT.

LAST NIGHT, HE WROTE ABOUT OCCUPY PROTESTS IN WASHINGTON

STATE.

HE MUST ARE HAVE BEEN WATCHING TV AND TWEETED

"RADICAL LEFT GOVERNOR @JAYINSLEE AND THE MAYOR OF

SEATTLE ARE BEING TAUNTED AND PLAYED AT A LEVEL THAT OUR GREAT

COUNTRY HAS NEVER SEEN BEFORE. TAKE BACK YOUR CITY NOW.

IF YOU DON'T DO IT, I WILL. THIS IS NOT A GAME.

THESE UGLY ANARCHISTS MUST BE STOOPED IMMEDIATELY. MOVE FAST!"

THEY MUST BE STOOPED! THE MAYOR OF SEATTLE TWEETED IN

RESPONSE "GO BACK TO YOUR BUNKER."

OH, THAT BUNKER THING MUST BE DRIVING HIM NUTS.

WHY HE GETS INVOLVED IN THIS SORT OF THING, I HAVE NO IDEA.

BUT HE IS CLEARLY SURROUNDED BY

PEOPLE WHO ARE "STOOPED." THE AWARD FOR MOST STOOPED THIS

WEEK GOES TO TRUMP'S CHIEF ECONOMIC ADVISOR,

LARRY KUDLOW, WHO ASTONISHED EVEN THE MOST HARDENED AMONG US

BY SAYING THIS.

>> YOU SAID YOU DON'T BELIEVE IN SYSTEMIC RACISM?

>> I DO NOT.

>> AT ALL IN THE U. S.?

>> I DO NOT.

>> SYSTEM IC RACISM AGAINST AFRICAN‐AMERICANS IN THE UNITED

STATES?

>> I'LL SAY IT AGAIN, I DO NOT.

>> Jimmy: "SIR, ONE MORE QUESTION.

CAN YOU NAME A BLACK PERSON? JUST ONE. GO AHEAD."

I MEAN, THAT'S SO STUPID I DON'T THINK EVEN DONALD TRUMP WOULD

SAY IT! THIS, BY THE WAY, IS THE SAME

GUY WHO SAID CORONAVIRUS WAS CONTAINED THREE MONTHS AGO AND

HE'S STILL THERE. STILL REPORTING FOR DUTY.

ONLY THE BEST PEOPLE. ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE COIN,

THE SIDE LINCOLN IS ON, NASCAR YESTERDAY ANNOUNCED THAT THEY

WILL NO LONGER ALLOW CONFEDERATE FLAGS AT THEIR RACE EVENTS.

THEY PUT OUT A STATEMENT SAYING THE FLAG RUNS CONTRARY TO

PROVIDING A WELCOMING AND INCLUSIVE ENVIRONMENT FOR FANS,

AND A LOT OF FANS DIDN'T LIKE THAT. LOTS OF TWEETS.

"YOU PICKED THE LOSING SIDE OF THIS BATTLE.

GOOD LUCK WITH THAT." I DON'T KNOW.

PRETTY SURE THE CONFEDERACY WAS THE LOSING SIDE OF THE BATTLE.

"PRETTY SOON WE WILL HAVE RADIOS IN THE CAR PLAYING RAP MUSIC."

OH, HEAVENS NO. NOT "RAP MUSIC!" "BUT I BET PEOPLE CAN FLY THEIR

RAINBOW FLAGS ALL DAY." RIGHT. FROM NOW ON, NASCAR IS GONNA BE

ONE BIG GAY PARADE. "BYE BYE NASCAR.

I HAVE BEEN A FAN FOR 50 PLUS YEARS.

STAY OUT OF POLITICS AND SOCIAL ISSUES. JUST RACE!"

ACTUALLY, RACE IS EXACTLY WHAT THIS IS ABOUT.

AND, "WELP JUST ANOTHER SPORT I WON'T WATCH.

GONNA HAVE A LOT OF TIME TRAVELING THIS BEAUTIFUL

COUNTRY, FISHING AND SPENDING TIME WITH MY GRANDCHILDREN."

I HAVE BAD NEWS FOR YOUR PAL. IN TEN YEARS, YOUR GRANDCHILDREN

WILL BE DESCRIBING YOU AS "MY RACIST GRANDPA."

SO NASCAR NOW HAS DONE MORE TO FIGHT RACISM THAN THE WHITE

HOUSE. BUT THE PRESIDENT IS GETTING

BACK OUT THERE. TONIGHT HE PRESSED THE FLESH AT

A FUNDRAISER IN DALLAS. NO MASKS, OF COURSE. THAT'S NUTS.

HAVING PARTIES, SHAKING HANDS. DALLAS ISN'T EVEN A SAFE PLACE

FOR PRESIDENTS WHEN THERE ISN'T A VIRUS.

AND HE IS WEEK‐ENDING AT HIS GOLF CLUB IN NEW JERSEY.

SEE THAT? HE'S FIGHTING THE PANDEMIC AND

RACISM AT THE SAME TIME, BY NOT WEARING A MASK TO HIS VERY WHITE

GOLF CLUB. THE PRESIDENT IS PLANNING TO HIT

THE ROAD WITH A SERIES OF CAMPAIGN RALLIES, STARTING IN

TULSA NEXT WEEK. BIG CROWDS ARE EXPECTED.

AND EVEN WELCOMED. BUT ANYONE WHO GETS A TICKET HAS

TO AGREE IN WRITING NOT TO SUE TRUMP IF THEY GET SICK. FOR REAL.

YOU HAVE TO CLICK THIS LIABILITY RELEASE TO REGISTER.

IT'S LIKE BEING PREGNANT ON A ROLLERCOASTER.

BUT GO AHEAD AND TAKE A BIG SWIG OF BLEACH BEFORE YOU COME

ANYWAY. I GUESS THE PLAN IS TO JUST

IGNORE THE VIRUS NOW AND HOPE IT GOES AWAY. BECAUSE YESTERDAY,

REPUBLICANS ANNOUNCED THEY ARE LIKELY TO MOVE THEIR CONVENTION

TO JACKSONVILLE, BECAUSE NORTH CAROLINA, WHERE IT WAS SUPPOSED

TO TAKE PLACE, ISN'T CRAY‐CRAY ENOUGH FOR THEIR CURRENT LEVEL

OF CRAY. THEY ARE NOT INTERESTED IN

SAFETY. WHAT THEY'RE PROMISING IS THAT

THIS WILL BE A BLOWOUT BASH!

>> WANT TO KEEP AMERICA GREAT? JOIN US IN JACKSONVILLE, FOR THE

2020 REPUBLICAN NATIONAL CONVENTION, WITH ALL YOUR

FAVORITE STARS AND, NO SOCIAL DISTANCING!

MONDAY, AUGUST 24th, WE'RE PACKING IN MORE MOUTH‐BREATHING

DEPLORABLES THAN EVER BEFORE, AND WE'RE TURNING OFF THE

VENTILATION!

HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT, LIB‐TARDS?

HUNGRY? NO NAPKINS, NO SNEEZE GUARDS, NO

UTENSILS ALLOWED. GRAB UP SHRIMP AND SAY FORK YOU!

THE EXCITEMENT IS CONTAGIOUS.

>> MUST BE 14. NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO PROBLEM.

NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR WHAT HAPPENS TWO WEEKS LATER.

>> Jimmy: FLORIDA, STILL THE NUMBER ONE PLACE TO DIE.

BUT FLORIDA ISN'T ALONE. WE ARE OPENING THINGS UP, FOR

BETTER OR WORSE, HERE IN

CALIFORNIA TOO.

IN NEW YORK, THEY PUT OUT A SAFER SEX FACT SHEET.

THIS IS REAL. THIS IS FROM THE CITY OF NEW

YORK. THEY RECOMMEND THAT DURING INTERCOURSE YOU SHOULD WEAR A

FACE COVERING OR MASK. OKAY. FUN. THEY SUGGEST THAT YOU MASTER

BAIT TOGETHER. YOU KNOW, YOU'VE TRIED THAT.

IT'S NOT THE SAME SINCE THEY CLOSED THE MOVIE THEATERS.

THEY TELL YOU TO BE CREATIVE WITH SEXUAL POSITIONS AND

PHYSICAL BARRIERS, LIKE WALLS THAT ALLOW SEXUAL CONTACT WHILE

PREVENTING CLOSE FACE‐TO‐FACE CONTACT.

IN OTHER WORDS, GLORY HOLES. NEW YORK CITY IS RECOMMENDING

GLORY HOLES. THEY TELL YOU TO SKIP SEX IF YOU

OR YOUR PARTNER AREN'T FEELING WELL.

MOST WIVES HAVE THAT ONE COVERED AND THAT MEDICAL CONDITIONS THAT

COULD PUT YOU AT RISK DURING SEX INCLUDE LUNG DISEASE, HEART

DISEASE, DIABETES, OBESITY. SO GOOD NEWS FOR MELANIA WITH

THAT ONE I GUESS. THEY EVEN PROVIDED TIPS FOR

GROUP SEX. LARGE GATHERINGS OF ANY TYPE ARE

NOT SAFE DURING COVID‐19. BUT IF YOU DECIDE TO FIND A

CROWD, BELOW ARE TIPS TO REDUCE YOUR RISK OF SPREADING OR

GETTING COVID‐19. LIMIT YUTHE SIZE OF YOUR GUEST

LIST. PICK LARGER, MORE OPEN, AND WELL

VENTILATED SPACE. BRING AN ALCOHOL‐BASED HAND

SANITIZER. CAN YOU IMAGINE ROLLING INTO AN

ORGY WITH A PUMP BOTTLE OF PURELL?

EVERYONE WILL BE REQUIRED TO WEAR THESE ANDREW CUOMO

UNDERPANTS, WHICH ARE AVAILABLE NOW ON ETSY.

WE HAVE OUR OWN EXPERT ON THE SHOW ON SEX AND EVERYTHING ELSE.

FROM HER HOME IN LOS ANGELES IT'S TIME FOR A QUARANTINE

EDITION OF DEAR AUNT CHIPPY.

>> OKAY. HERE WE ARE. NOW THAT MY UPSTAIRS NEIGHBORS

ARE HOME ALL DAY, ALL THEY DO IS HAVE SEX.

WHAT'S SOMETHING SUM IMPLE I CO YELL AT THEM TO MAKE THEM STOP?

FIRE! JUST YELL FIRE! I'M SURE THEY WILL STOP HAVING

SEX IF THEY HEAR "FIRE." WHAT A MORON. AH.

>> Jimmy: WELL, THANKS, AUNT CHIPPY.

WE HAVE MUSIC FROM THE CLARK SISTERS, AND WE'LL BE BACK WITH

KEKE PALMER.

>> Jimmy: WELCOME BACK TO "JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE" FROM MY HOUSE.

LATER ON THE SHOW WE HAVE SOMETHING VERY SPECIAL.

THEY HAVE THREE GRAMMYS, AND A MOVIE ON LIFETIME CALLED "THE

CLARK SISTERS: FIRST LADIES OF GOSPEL."

THE LEGENDARY CLARK SISTERS WILL TALK US TO CHURCH ON A THURSDAY

NIGHT. NEXT WEEK, JOIN US WITH MARK RUFFALO, SARAH PAULSON,

BILL BURR, THE ROASTMASTER GENERAL JEFF ROSS AND

AMY SCHUMER TOO. OUR GUEST TONIGHT IS AN ACTRESS,

ACTIVIST, RECORDING ARTIST AND TALK SHOW HOST.

SHE IS ALSO THE STAR OF AN INSPIRING VIRAL VIDEO, PLEASE

WELCOME KEKE PALMER. HI, KEKE.

>> HOW ARE YOU? IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU, MAN, IN

THIS NEW SURROUNDING. JOIN IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU, TOO.

I LIKE THAT PAINTING YOU HAVE ON THE WALL.

>> I LIKE THOSE LOGS IN THE BACK.

JOIN THANKS, EVERYBODY LOVES MY LOGS.

I THINK OF YOU AS A VERY UPBEAT PERSON, AND I THINK EVERY KEKE

HAS TO BE AN UPBEAT PERSON. IT JUST GOES WITH THE NAME.

ARE YOU FEELING UPBEAT?

>> UM, I THINK, I DO FEEL UPBEAT.

I'M A POSITIVE PERSON BY NATURE, BUT I DO THINK MY EMPATHIC SIDE

IS BEING WEIGHED DOWN BY WHAT'S GOING ON RIGHT NOW.

>> Jimmy: THIS VIDEO I REFERENCED HAS 25 MILLION VIEWS.

BEFORE WE SHOW IT, I WANT TO ASK, HAVE YOU BEEN TO A PROTEST

OF ANY KIND BEFORE?

>> UM, YES. I MEAN, I WENT TO THE PROTESTS

IN FERGUSON FOR MIKE BROWN. YOU'VE BEEN TO MANY DIFFERENT

PROTESTS, BUT NOT ONE LOOK THIS IN A TOMB LUKE, I MEAN, LIKE

THIS. I THINK ESPECIALLY WITH ALL THE

STUFF THAT WAS HAPPENING WITH QUARANTINE, SO KIND OF JUST

BEING AROUND THAT MANY PEOPLE AT ONCE WAS, IT WAS A LOT.

IT WAS DIFFERENT. IT WAS A DIFFERENT ENERGY, I

THINK, BECAUSE NONE OF US HAD BEEN ANYWHERE IN A WHILE.

>> Jimmy: WERE YOU THINKING ABOUT WHAT YOU MIGHT SAY IF YOU

WERE CONFRONTED WITH, IN THIS CASE, NATIONAL GUARD?

HAD YOU THOUGHT ABOUT THAT BEFORE YOU SAID WHAT YOU SAID?

>> NO. I DIDN'T PLAN ON REALLY SEEING

NUB ANYBODY OUT THERE LIKE THAT OUT

THERE. WE WERE JUST MARCHING, WALKING,

I HADN'T BEEN AROUND MUCH PEOPLE IN A WHILE, SO I REALLY, REALLY

WANTED TO BE OUT THERE AND PROTEST FOR THIS CAUSE.

AND THEN I SAW, THOUGH, THE NATIONAL GUARDSMEN, AND THEY

WERE LIKE BLOCKING US FROM GOING FURTHER WITH THE PEACEFUL

PROTEST. AND I THINK IN THAT MOMENT I WAS

JUST KIND OF, I WAS WEIRDED OUT A BIT AND KIND OF CONFUSED I

THINK FROM A GENUINE, NAÏVE PLACE OF BEING CONFUSED AS TO

WHY THERE'S THIS SEPARATION BETWEEN US, LIKE THEY'RE HUMAN

LIKE I'M HUMAN. I KNOW THEY HAVE A JOB TO DO,

BUT I DON'T KNOW, I FELT LIKE, WHY CAN'T THEY BE WITH US,

MARCHING WITH US. ESPECIALLY NOW, I FOEEL LIKE EVN

WITH WHAT HAPPENED WITH GENERAL MILLEY, THERE'S A DIVISION FROM

EVERY ANGLE, WHETHER YOU'RE IN THE MILITARY, BLACK, WHITE,

WHATEVER. WE ALL NEED TO COME TOGETHER,

AND I THINK I JUST WAS REALLY OVERWHELMED, AND I DIDN'T KNOW

REALLY WHAT I WAS SAYING. I WAS JUST REALLY SPEAKING FROM

MY HEART AND HOW I WAS FEELING, AND, YOU KNOW, THAT WAS THAT.

>> Jimmy: LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT WHAT HAPPENED THERE.

>> YOU HAVE PEOPLE IN HERE THAT NEED YOUR HELP.

THIS IS WHEN YOU, Y'ALL STAND TOGETHER WITH THE COMMUNITY,

WITH SOCIETY, TO STOP, TO STOP THE GOVERNMENTAL OPPRESSION,

PERIOD. WE NEED YOU.

>> I AGREE BUT.

>> SO MARCH WITH US. Y'ALL GET YOUR PEOPLE, MARCH

BESIDE US, MARCH BESIDE US. SHOW US THAT YOU ARE HERE FOR US.

MAKE HISTORY WITH US.

>> WE ARE PROTECTING SOME OF THESE BUSINESSES.

>> OKAY, OKAY. WILL YOU DO ME A FAVOR?

CAN YOU DO ME AFAVOR? CAN CAN YOU TAKE A KNEE?

CAN YOU MAKE A KNEE? THAT AIN'T ENOUGH FOR ME.

>> THANK YOU!

>> THANK YOU.

>> Jimmy: NOW YOU SAID YOU DIDN'T FEEL LIKE THE KNEE WAS

ENOUGH FROM THOSE GUYS.

>> YEAH.

>> Jimmy: YEAH.

>> YEAH, BECAUSE I FELT LIKE WE HAD AN OPPORTUNITY IN THAT

MOMENT TO, YOU KNOW, WE HAVE THE CURRENT ADMINISTRATION MAKING A

POINT TO MAKE A STATEMENT ABOUT DIVISION.

I FELT LIKE LET'S JUST COME TOGETHER. LET'S BE BEYOND THAT.

LET'S BE BEYOND WHAT'S HAPPENING. IT WAS A RUSK.

I UNDERSTAND HE HAS A JOB TO DO. BUT I THINK IN MY MIND I WAS

JUST THINKING, WHAT IF YOUR JOB IS TELLING YOU TO DO SOMETHING

YOU DON'T BELIEVE IN, I KNOW YOU WANT TO BE OUT HERE WITH ME.

I KNOW WE WANT TO WALK SIDE BY SIDE, SO LET'S JUST DO IT.

>> Jimmy: I THAT INK THAT'S A DILEMMA A LOT IN THE MILITARY

HAVE. I HEARD YOU GOT A CALL FROM JOE

BIDEN.

>> HE WANTED TO TALK TO ME AFTER THAT I SUPPOSE.

WE HAD A CONVERSATION. I DIDN'T GET TO ASK HIM

EVERYTHING I WANTED TO ASK HIM, BUT IT WAS GOOD TO TALK, YOU

KNOW, AND HEAR WHAT HE'S TALKING ABOUT AND WHAT HE'S SAYING.

YOU KNOW, RIGHT NOW.

>> Jimmy: MM‐HM. AND DID YOU FEEL THAT HE IS ON

THE RIGHT TRACK?

>> SUCH A LOADED QUESTION, RIGHT?

BECAUSE I MEAN, I GUESS HE WAS, SO I GUESS HE WAS COOL, BUT I

CAN'T SAY I WAS, AFTER THE CONVO I FELT THRILLED OR EXCITED PER

SE, BUT IT WAS GOOD TO TALK AND JUST TO HEAR FIRST HAND.

>> Jimmy: DID YOU TELL JOE WHEN YOU HAD HIM ON THE PHONE THAT

YOU HAVE A NEW SINGLE OUT CALLED "THICK"?

>> NO, I DID NOT SHARE WITH JOE MY NEW SINGLE "THICK".

I DIDN'T SHARE THAT WITH JOE. I PROBABLY WOULD HAVE PUT HIM

OUT WITH THAT. HE NOT READY FOR THE THICKNESS.

>> Jimmy: I LIKE THE IDEA BEHIND "THICK."

TELL EVERYBODY WHAT THE SONG'S ABOUT.

>> SOIVE I'VE BEEN HAVING SO M FUN WITH MY MUSIC LATELY, A

MOMENT OF SPRESPOND NAYITY. WO WE'VE BEEN IN QUARANTINE, IVE

ABEEN GETTING REALLY THICK. YOU'RE IN THE HOUSE.

YOU'RE EATING.

>> Jimmy: I KNOW. THE REFRIGERATOR'S IN THE HOUSE

IS THE PROBLEM. IF I COULD MOVE THE REFRIGERATOR

TO WORK I WOULD BE OKAY. HEY, EVERY NIGHT I WILL BE

MAKING A DONATION, AND TONIGHT YOU'VE CHOSEN THE CHARITY BLACK

VISIONS COLLECTIVE. TELL US A LUITTLE ABOUT THAT.

>> I LIKE THE BLACK VISIONS COLLECTIVE BECAUSE THEY'RE

TALKING ABOUT THE FUTURE OF BLACK PEOPLE, AND ALSO WHAT I

LOVE ABOUT THEM SPUECIFICALLY I THEY INCLUDE THE LGBTQ COMMUNITY.

SOMETIMES THEY CAN BE OVERSHADOWED.

THAT'S WHAT I THINK MOSTLY I WAS EXCITED ABOUT, IT'S ALL BLACK

LIVES MATTERS.

>> Jimmy: THE WEBSITE IS BLACKVISIONSMM.ORG.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH, KEKE. GREAT TO SEE YOU.

>> THANK YOU, IT'S GOOD SEEING YOU, TOO, MAN.

I HOPE WE GET TO SEE EACH OTHER SOON IN PERSON.

>> Dicky: THE JUIMMY "JIMMY KIM

LIVE" CONSRT SERIES IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY MERCEDES BENZ.

>> Jimmy: WELCOME BACK TO "JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE" FROM MY HOUSE.

THIS ‐‐ YOU ARE GOING TO LIKE THIS.

>> JIMMY KIMMEL, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR HAVING US.

WE WANT YOU TO DECLARE VICTORY IN YOUR LIFE.

♪

♪ WE DECLARE VICTORY

VICTORY OVER YOUR LIFE EVERY NOW AND THEN

IT'S HARD TO SEE ♪

♪ BUT YOU GOT TO DECREE

AND SEE VICTORY

WE DECLARE VICTORY

VICTORY OVER YOUR LIFE ♪

♪ DON'T BE DISMAYED

GOD KNOWS YOUR NEED

BUT YOU GOT TO DECREE

AND SEE VICTORY ♪

♪ IT MAY APPEAR LIKE YOU'VE

BEEN KNOCKED DOWN BUT WITH GOD YOU WON'T BE BOUND ♪

♪ JUST OPEN UP

YOUR MOUTH SPEAK A WORD OVER YOUR LIFE ♪

♪ DON'T FEAR WE WALK BY

FAITH AND NOT BY SIGHT WE DECLARE VICTORY

VICTORY OVER YOUR LIFE ♪ VICTORY OVER YOUR LIFE ♪

♪ EVERY NOW AND THEN

IT'S HARD TO SEE

BUT YOU GOT TO DECREE

AND SEE VICTORY ♪

♪ STOP SPEAKING NEGATIVITY

IN YOUR ATMOSPHERE JUST WALK IN YOUR

AUTHORITY FOR THE ♪

♪ LORD IS NEAR

I SERVE NOTICE TO THE ENEMY YOU CAN'T HAVE MY FAMILY ♪

♪ YOU CAN'T HAVE MY MIND

YOU CAN'T HAVE MY LIFE CAUSE JESUS SAID I COME

THAT YOU MIGHT HAVE ♪

♪ LIFE ABUNDANTLY

PROSPER AND BE IN GOOD HEALTH

♪

>> Jimmy: WELCOME BACK TO "JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE" FROM MY HOUSE.

EVEN THOUGH IT FEELS LIKE WE HAVE ALL BEEN SITTING AROUND

DOING NOTHING FOR MONTHS, QUARANTINE HAS ACTUALLY BEEN

BUSY FOR MOST OF US. BUT AS GUILLERMO RECENTLY

LEARNED, IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE HARD.

>> Guillermo: I KNOW IT SEEMS LIKE I DON'T WORK TOO MUCH, BUT

I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE. I HAVE TO EXERCISE. HELP ME!

HELP ME! I HAVE TO GIVE MY SON A HAIRCUT.

I HAVE TO MAKE DINNER.

AND THEN I HAVE TO DO THE DISHES.

HEY, DIXIE, TAKE SOMETHING OFF MY PLATE.

>> Jimmy: WHAT CAN DIXIE TAKE OFF YOUR PLATE?

HEAD TO DIXIE OFF MY PLATE.COM, AND TELL DIXEY WHAT THEY CAN

TAKE OFF YOUR PLATE, WHETHER IT'S HELP WITH THE DISHES, A NEW

LAWNMOWER OR AN EPIC WAY TO OCCUPY THE KIDS.

YOU COULD BE ONE OF 500 WINNERS SELECTED EACH WEEK.

>> Guillermo: THANK YOU, DIXIE.

>> Dicky: SHARE YOUR NEED WITH DIXIE AT DIXIEOFFMYPLATE.COM.

>> Jimmy: THAT IS THE TIME WE HAVE.

I'D LIKE TO THANK KEKE PALMER, THE CLARK SISTERS, AND APOLOGIZE

TO MATT DAMON. "NIGHTLINE" IS NEXT.

NOW IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I'M GONNA GO STAND IN FRONT OF THE

REFRIGERATOR. GOODNIGHT.